( Theme music playing )
I can't believe I'm getting this number.
It didn't even take me that long.
- We're easy in New York. - Jeez, this is unbelievable.
- We'll go out to dinner. - Cool, I like to eat.
And you know what? You don't have to worry about choking
because I'm great at the heimlich.
Oh, well, god, you know, if I wasn't gonna give you my number before,
that just did it. That's an impressive skill.
- Did that clinch it? - Yeah.
Are you leaving right now? 'Cause I don't think we should run into each other again.
- Yeah, that would be so awkward. - That would be awkward.
I'm not leaving just yet. It would be great if you can get out of here.
We have to save something for dinner.
- There you go. - Because if we have too good a time here...
- So just get out. - I kind of like that, actually.
- ( Laughs ) bye. - I'm gonna call you.
Hey hey, look who it is.
- Hey! Rosie! - Larry David.
- Good to see you. - Good to see you.
- You look fantastic. - You know what? So do you.
- You like the art? - To tell you the truth...
- What? - forget about the art.
What?
I met the most fantastic woman tonight.
I... I'm... I can't even believe it.
- Are you kidding me? - Swear to god.
- So did I. - You're kidding.
I felt it right away. You know how you can feel it?
Yes. I mean, who knows what's gonna happen? But it's a great start.
Oh no, I think something's gonna happen. You know how lesbians are.
You know what a lesbian brings on a second date? A u-haul.
( Laughs ) - that's right, a u-haul. They move in together.
- They move right in. - I looked at her and I thought hyphen name.
Kids are gonna get to know her. It's all gonna work.
- That's lovely. - I'm happy for you I really am.
I'm completely smitten. She smiled.
- At you? - At me. Smiling at an old bald man.
- Mine is so vivacious. - Mine's vivacious too.
And built.
A body I would like to get my hands on.
- Ooh! - exactly.
- I know what you mean. You know what? - What?
- She's Jewish. - No kidding.
- Yeah. - can I tell you something?
- What? - mine too.
- Really? - yes.
- Unbelievable. - cheers.
- L'Chaim. - l'Chaim.
- It's too good to be true. - Yours is Jewish?
Yeah, I knew from her name. O'Donnell, Irish, duh.
Yeah, right. Yeah, cohn, Jewish.
- Yeah. - yeah.
- What did you say? Cohn? - Mmm.
Jane cohn?
Holy shit.
Are you kidding me? Is this a joke?
- How's it a joke? Here's the number. - How'd you get that?
- She gave it to me. - She gave it to you?
What am I, a magician? I know that you have a card on you?
Why would she give us both her card? It doesn't make any sense.
Obviously she's bi-sexual.
- Fucking hate that. - What is that?
What is that anyway? I mean, pick a side already, right?
- Absolutely. - can't you make up your mind?
What is this? They have to have sex with everyone?
- They have to do everything? - Half the population isn't enough for them?
- They want everybody? They're so selfish? - I can't believe it.
She did not seem the type to me.
- So what are we gonna do? - I don't know.
I guess you'll just have to back away because most of these women
who say they're bi are really gay and they just can't say it.
- Back away? Me back away? - Yeah, I think you should.
Why would I back away? This woman is crazy about me.
- I don't believe you. - You don't believe me?
- Really? - because I felt it. My body felt it, okay?
I came alive in areas that have been dry like the Sahara desert.
- You follow me, Larry? - Look, in baseball the tie goes to the runner.
In situations like this, tie goes to the hetero.
It was no tie, babe. She hit my base first
cleanly before she even saw you.
You're intent on going through this?
Of course I am. I don't want you to get hurt, Larry.
You've been through a lot, right? A lot of other women here.
Probably women who are more your speed. More your level.
Spare yourself the expense and embarrassment.
- Get out of this now. - Okay, save myself?
Yes, 'cause you're gonna be annihilated.
I'm gonna be annihilated by you in the love department?
- We'll just see what happens. - Game on, Larry David.
- You've got it, sister. - All right.
- Good luck to you. - You're in over your head, Rosie.
- You think so? - I know so.
She's a dyke. Deal with it.
Ho ho! Look who's in the motherfucking house!
Ha ha! Leon in the motherfucking house!
You drove the car? Look what you did to the car.
Let me tell you something. This motherfucking car has got some heart, man.
I was surprised. I thought it was a bitch-ass car.
This shit got some fucking heart to it.
- Why didn't you fly? - I don't fly, baby.
You got to have a photo I.D. For that, you know what I'm saying? Fuck that.
I don't know how you can give a car back to somebody in this condition.
This motherfucker has some room to it too.
I got eight motherfuckers up in this car.
- Yeah. what? - I thought it held only four people.
What did you do? You picked up hitchhikers?
See the baby seat back there? Hell yeah.
Come on, man. Let me see your place, man.
What are you doing here anyway?
I had to get out of that fucking house, man.
- Roommate was driving me crazy and shit. - The who?
- The roommate all in my shit. - Roommate?
- Let me see the place, man. - What roommate?
- The fucking roommate at the house in California. - Larry: What?
So she gave... she gave her phone number
- to me and Rosie O'Donnell. - Oooh!
Whoa, look at this, man! Are you kidding me, Larry?
- Renny harlin's place. - Oh shit.
New York City, baby. I'm here!
You got to tell people you're here sometimes, right?
Anyway, so what do you think about it?
I'm in competition with Rosie O'Donnell.
- Wow, man. - I'll tell you what.
I'm feeling a little insecure about it.
Lesbians have kind of an advantage in a way.
They some tricky motherfuckers.
Frankly, I don't know what I'm doing down there.
Ladies know that shit. You're right.
That's what I'm saying. I can't compete with a lesbian like that.
They know every nook and cranny. You know, every nook and cranny.
What would happen if we were bi-sexuals? I couldn't be comfortable now.
I wouldn't be comfortable right now. I'd be all fucked up.
I would have zero interest in a person like you.
You're goddamn right. Me too, Larry. You know what I mean?
- Oh, you wouldn't be interested in me? - Fuck no, Larry.
First of all, I would fucking throw the fuck up.
I would regurgitate my own shit. I would regurgitate and shit.
You think I'd go out with a guy wearing a green wife-beater?
- Look at you. - First of all, look at this shit right here.
- This shit on your head. - Are you kidding me?
- What the hell is that? - Oh, I gets mine, Larry.
I fucking gets mine. You know I gets mine.
- ( Laughing ) - okay.
Where's my room at? Where the fuck's my room at, Larry?
Ha ha! I'm in the house!
I'm here to pick up some food to go. David.
- Okay, one second. - Okay.
Larry?
- Larry, hi. - Duckstein.
- We're both in New York. - Yeah, we're both in New York.
Look at this, two angelinos here in New York.
- That's something, isn't it? - What are you here for?
You know, I just came.
Hey, here's a thought. Let's go to lunch.
- Tomorrow? - mmm.
- Mmm, I don't think so. - Okay, Thursday.
No, i-i... I don't think so.
- Why not? - Well, we really don't see each other in L.A.
So why... if we're in one city all the time
and we never have lunch in that city,
why would we have lunch in the new city?
I see what this is. I see what this is.
You're still holding a grudge
because we didn't invite you to joanie's bat mitzvah.
- You'll never forgive me for that. - No no.
I'm telling you, we sent it out. You were on the list.
- I did get the invitation. - Yeah?
Yes, and I paid so little attention to it
that I didn't even bother to r.S.V.P.
Because I shouldn't have been invited in the first place.
I was offended that I was invited.
- Let me get this straight... - There's nothing to get straight.
I'm gonna eat alone tomorrow.
Why do you want to eat with me?
Because we never get a chance to eat in L.A.
Because we're not friends.
We're not friends because we never spend time together.
We don't spend time together because i don't want to spend time together.
Is it possible that you have a little room for growth?
No. duckstein,
I think we've taken us about as far as we can.
There will be no lunch, no breakfast or dinner.
There won't be a snack. There won't be coffee.
There won't be a drink.
And hopefully there won't even be another bump into.
I feel badly for you
because life is like this...
Yes. - ...And what you've done is made it like this.
I want to make that smaller.
- Really? - yes. Shrink it.
Shrink it. Put the hands together.
That's what I want. See ya, duckstein.
Bye, Larry.
- Jane: hello. - Larry: I'm here.
Awesome. thank you for coming over.
I know we wanted to go out but my cat will not stop throwing up.
- It makes me nervous. - Maybe the cat knew I was coming.
Oh. maybe that's why I was throwing up a minute ago.
- See, I have that effect. - I get it, yes.
- She's got, like, empathetic nausea... - Exactly.
- At the potential of your arrival. - Exactly, yes. Yes.
Yeah, ever since I met you i can't stop puking.
I don't know what it is.
You're not the first person who's told me that.
- Really? - yeah.
You just have that effect on people?
I do. Particularly women.
- That's hot. - It's a wonderful quality.
( Laughs )
- So what are we eating? - Japanese.
So... ooh, god.
Um, that's not gonna work.
- Are you serious? - Oh, jeez.
Oh, look at this. They didn't secure the soup.
Why didn't they put it in one of those bags?
- Oh, Jesus. - Oh my god.
The whole thing is ruined. You know, you're in the take-out business,
you got two things to do:
Get the order right, secure the food.
Usually they're good. I don't know.
You know what? I'm going back there
and I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
- Oh, get to the bottom of it? - I'm definitely gonna tell them what happened.
It's fine, 'cause actually i had Sushi last night, so...
- You had Sushi last night? - Yeah.
- I didn't even ask you what I was getting. - Oh, it's fine.
No, I love Sushi.
I'm just saying it's not a huge deal that I don't have it again.
- So where'd you go last night? - I had Sushi at yankee stadium,
which you would not think is good Sushi, but it was actually really good Sushi.
- Really? - yeah.
- Sushi at yankee stadium? - I know.
I went with, um, this friend of mine.
She's very connected
and we had a box to ourselves.
And they brought in catering and we had Sushi.
- It was unbelievable. - So who is this person?
Just this... you know, it's funny. You might know her.
Um, I mean it's Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm sure you've probably crossed paths with her.
- No. - do you want some wine?
- Yeah. - okay.
- Red or white? - I don't care.
So, um...
What did...
What did Rosie think of your apartment?
( Chuckles )
She didn't see my apartment.
- Really? - yeah.
- She wasn't here? - No.
Oh. poor thing.
Oh!
You know, I've got to tell you it was traumatic
to open that bag and see what was going on.
It was very distressing.
- You know, I was on a date... - Yes.
- With a bi-sexual. - No.
And I'm competing for her affection against a lesbian.
- You think that's easy? - Sure sure. I have a...
Did I mention that I had a soup and sandwich for dinner?
You didn't mention. You talk a lot
but no sandwich mentioned.
You've got to secure these bags.
Secure the bags
with tape, staples, however you've got to do it.
Right, I understand.
So I get you another order
then you can take home and everything be okay?
You know what? I really appreciate that,
but that's really not quite what I had in mind.
- Oh. - basically, man to man,
I think an apology would be nice.
Okay, so I say sorry,
you believe, you feel something,
then you move on? You go away? Everything okay, yeah?
Yeah, if I like the sorry, everything will be hunky-dory.
Okay.
I am sorry.
Oh, the bow. Oh my gosh.
Oh.
I can't quibble with the bow.
I love that bow. Come on, how many times do you get a bow in your life?
- Right, yes. - Fantastic.
- Bow is very important. - Fantastic.
We could learn a lot of things from Japan.
You think about on the way home. I think, yeah.
But next time, if I come back again
to get some take-out,
are you gonna beef up the security in the bag?
Absolutely, sir. The tape, staples...
Everything gonna be secured for you, okay?
When you're hungry you've got that take-out order...
Listen, listen. You said a deal, right?
You said I say sorry, you believe, you move, you go away, okay?
You long explanation how special bow is. Okay, we got it.
Next time we see you come in we make sure bag secure.
- Very special for you, okay? - Okay. Are we good?
- Can I... do I bow back? - Yeah yeah. Do.
- Then you got that to follow. - ( Mumbles )
- You follow? - Yes.
- Hi. - hey.
Larry David. Look at this.
Hey, Rosie. Look who's here.
So, Larry, how was your night?
- Couldn't have gone better. - No kidding?
- Yes. - same feeling I had. You know that?
And you saw her when? Monday?
- Yes, Monday. - Monday? Who goes out on Monday?
Someone who's really desperate to have a date,
I suppose, calls somebody for a Monday night.
I won't tell her that you said that.
But listen, the thing... Did you throw your arm out?
Well, you know what?
All night long I was like in this position.
And then up from this side. You know what I mean?
- A lot of that. - A lot of guys think that's a good move.
It's funny. Usually women laugh at it.
- I don't think she was laughing. - Really?
She was too busy moaning to laugh.
- Yeah, a lot of that. - I had the same thing in my neck.
What did you say?
Couldn't move my neck from Tuesday morning.
It's all right. Listen, the thing is,
she just texted me. We're going to the Tonys
together, okay?
- The Tonys? - As my date
to the Tony awards.
Jane.
Me Tarzan, not you.
- ( Laughs ) - the Tonys.
You could ask any stranger on the street,
they'll go to the Tonys. That's no great accomplishment.
She knows all the words to "cats," okay?
Even the British version.
She enjoyed "chess" the musical.
Saw it three times. She saw "Carrie."
It was only open two nights. She likes Broadway, Larry.
She likes Broadway! ( Laughs )
She's going to the Tonys? What the hell am I gonna do?
You can't compete against the Tonys.
I'm dead.
( Crowd cheering )
Good play, Larry.
All right, Larry. Two away. Two away.
Ha ha.
Come on, little Larry.
Here we go. How's your arm?
- Good enough for you. - Come on, throw it to mommy.
Let's go, Larry.
- ( Crowd cheering ) - oh, fuck!
- Go go go! - Ha ha, Larry!
I don't even have to run, Larry.
- I can walk. - Go go go!
- Oh, did you get lucky. - She's going for third, Larry!
Where's he throwing the ball?
She's going home, Larry!
Oooh!
Whoo!
I don't feel like going on this date.
I swear to god, I'd like to cancel right now.
Let me tell you something, man. I would not be a fucking friend
sitting around this plush motherfucker
and allow you to go out there and allow a lesbian
to beat you at a fucking game, okay?
Come on, it's over. She's taking her to the Tonys.
And let's face it, she's got the lesbian advantage.
We are fucking men, Larry.
What do we have, man? What the fuck do we have
that she doesn't have?
( Stammering ) you know, I've got the penis.
You're damn right. Rosie O'Donnell does not have...
- Has no penis. Has no penis. - Doesn't have a penis.
Women do not have penises. Men have penises.
You are absolutely right. Don't be a fucking victim.
Okay? you at bat.
What's below your fucking bat?
What dangles below your bat?
- Huh? - balls.
- We got bats and balls, right? - Right.
- Okay, what do ladies have? - Gloves.
What do gloves do? Catch the goddamn balls.
That's what ladies on this planet do is catch balls.
Bats and balls run the fucking world.
The woman is on this earth to catch balls.
Interesting theory.
- See what I'm saying? - Too bad I don't have a daughter.
I would like to impart that knowledge to her.
Gloves don't catch gloves. We have the advantage.
Okay? you've got to realize that though.
Yeah yeah, I know. I know.
But we're talking about the Tonys here, okay?
This penis that I have cannot compete with the Tonys.
- Tonys are a grand slam. - Fuck the Tonys.
Fucking Tony. Who the fuck is Tony?
Want a grand slam?
Hmm.
Juice?
You want me to juice?
I want you to win.
That was amazing.
The penis is an extraordinary instrument, Jane.
( Laughs ) - sometimes it surprises even me.
And it's not just a one-time thing.
That's what you get on a consistent basis with me.
- Really? - absolutely.
- I can't even move. - Well, speaking of that.
Shall we do this again on Friday?
I don't want to wait that long.
- How about Thursday? - Thursday?
- I thought you had plans on Thursday. - I'll cancel them.
- You'll cancel them? - Mm-hmm.
Wow. too bad for that person.
( Laughs )
All right, Janie.
It's been swell. Hope you had fun.
Ah.
( Jane laughs )
( Speaking Japanese )
Oh!
( Speaking Japanese )
Excuse me. Do you speak english?
Yes, I am fluent. Yes.
Oh, I noticed that when you apologized to this man
you gave him a rather deep bow.
Almost 90â°.
Yes, I spilled ice cream.
So I very sorry. So I apologize to him, yes.
Now the other night a Japanese fellow apologized to me.
- Yes? - but he only went down a few degrees.
- Kind of like that. - Like that?
- Yeah. - oh oh.
That is not apology to you.
No, he was not sorry at all.
- He wasn't sorry? - No no.
He a little dismissive of you.
- Dismissive? - yes. Yes.
- I got a dismissive bow? - Yes.
A little bit... shit bow.
- Shit bow? - Shit bow.
- Shit bow.
- A shit bow I got. - Yes.
- I got a shit bow. - No bow would be better than that bow.
- No bow better? - Yes.
Little insulting to you.
Do you hear... Not a bow like that.
- Not sorry at all. Little bitty bow. - No.
I'm sorry to tell you, but that was not apology.
Thank you very much. This has been very helpful to me.
- You're very welcome. - Can you bow for a thank you?
- You can bow for thank you. - You can bow for thank you?
- Sure, yes. - That's a thank you bow.
Thank you, yes. Very good.
- Good day to you. - Thank you very much. Good luck.
How you doing, lar?
- Doing good. - Yeah?
I guess you heard.
- Heard what? - Jane cancelled our date to the Tonys.
- Really? - really.
( Huffs ) I didn't know.
It's funny 'cause, you know, something doesn't figure out of the whole thing.
I've known like four decades of women that you've dated.
None of them ever ever talks about your performance.
You're a singles hitter your whole life,
now all of a sudden you're Mr. power hitter?
You're Mr. grand slam? Mr. get anybody, even Jane, huh?
You doing something, lar? What do you do?
- Can you explain this to me? - Well, I'm...
I'm on a new regiment. I'm working out.
I've changed my diet. Makes a big difference.
- You're working out? - Yeah.
- That's it? - That's it.
What, are you juicing, Larry?
- ( Scoffs ) - are you juicing now?
I have never taken performance enhancing drugs ever.
Period.
No no no no no no no.
Got it. But it doesn't make sense, Larry.
I've known you too long, all right?
Something just does not add up.
Outfield in. Play to first.
All right, let's go, Larry.
Easy out.
( Crowd cheering )
- Yeah! - well, get it in!
How are you doing?
( Sighs )
( Groans )
( Grunts )
- Jeff: did you hear about duckstein? - Larry: No.
Some lady walking her dog found him on the ground choking.
- What? is he okay? - Yeah.
He's in the hospital, but they say he's gonna be fine.
You know how to do the heimlich. You could have, you know.
Yeah, I know how to do the heimlich.
You do. If you only went to lunch with him.
Yeah, you're right. I could have helped him.
I feel terrible.
So how's things with Jane?
Oh, it's fantastic. She loves baseball.
- I love that. - She's taking me to cooperstown on Sunday.
She blew off the Tonys with Rosie.
- This woman blew off the Tonys... - Blew off the Tonys.
- To take you to cooperstown? - To take me to cooperstown.
It's not like being with a guy. It's like being with a great guy
who happens to have a vagina and knows the statistics of what Roy white hit in 1971.
- Exactly. - unbelievable.
And I beat Rosie.
Hi. here to pick up an order for Larry David.
Oh, it's right over there. Should be ready in a second.
Hello.
I got the stapler, tape.
Your soup is... look at this.
- Wow. - you could run marathon and no spill it.
- Can I turn it upside down? - Yeah, sure.
- That's the test. - Yeah, sure. Turn down.
Wow.
- Good. - that's how you run a restaurant.
You secure the take-out order.
You know, there is one more little issue
I just wanted to mention. I was in the park
and there was a Japanese fellow
and I saw him bowing,
but he bowed to 90â°.
Your bow was only like 15â°.
I asked him about it and he said
that what you did is actually dismissive.
So I just thought I would let you know about it.
Sure yeah, thank you.
Listen, a bow is a bow, right?
No, he said a bow is not a bow.
- Yeah, a bow is a bow. - No, this is not a bow.
You were short of the authentic bow.
I had authentic bow. Bow is a bow.
He is not authentic. He doesn't know.
Is it possible you don't know the bow rules?
Bow rules? I understand the bow rules.
- You know your bow rules? - I was raised by bow rules.
- Did they mention a degree? - No, they didn't mention degree
because a bow is a bow.
Do you know what the Japanese guy in the park actually said about your bow?
No, what did he say?
- He said... - Yeah. Uh-huh.
It's a shit bow.
He said shit bow?
Yes, those were his words. Shit bow.
My bow is a shit bow?
I'm not saying that. Let's find out.
I'll go on the Internet, we'll do a little research,
then I'll come back and we'll see if
your bow is right.
- Okay, sure. I do that for you. - All right?
- We'll do contest. - All right, we'll look it up.
Also, future reference, just to note
there's other good restaurants around too.
You should try sometime. There's good places here.
- I really enjoy this food. - Yeah, you do.
- Yes. - for you, here we go.
That looked good.
- Okay. - that looked good.
- Okay okay. - I'm still gonna research.
Yeah, sure. Yeah, research.
- Okay? - yeah, Wikipedia.
( Laughing ) you're goddamn right. I'm living large.
I just had a croissant filled with motherfucking champagne.
Hey, I've got to talk to you.
Hold the fuck on, bitch. Hold the fuck up. God damn.
- What's up, Larry? - Got a date with Jane.
- Oooh. - I need a...
Supplement.
- A what? - You know, a supplement.
A supplement? What the fuck is that?
You know, one of the pills. I need a pill.
Oh, I'm out of pills, man. I don't have no pills.
- That's it. - Since when?
I'm out. You're popping these motherfuckers like candy.
- Why didn't you tell me? - I got to tell you when I'm out of pills?
- You know I'm depending on it. - You got to go solo, man.
- What? solo? - Go fucking solo.
She'll notice the drop off. How am I gonna do that?
Yeah, that's fucked up. You can't go into a fuck fight
with no goddamn weapon. That ain't cool.
Fucking walking in with a goddamn jump rope hanging from your fucking pants.
Get off the phone. Who are you talking to?
- I'll call you back. - Come on, I've got to pick her up in two hours.
Can you think of anything? I need some help.
Oh, I've got an idea.
Here's what I want you to do, okay?
Go around to Washington square park, all right?
Got any... got any of that stuff?
The money.
Come on. ( Snapping )
- That's it? Two? - Yeah.
- I thought there were three. - That's it. Now beat it.
- Get out of here. - Nice to meet you.
Yeah.
( Organ playing )
- Jane: all right, I've got one. - Larry: Okay.
Who holds the record for most postseason home runs?
Most post season homeruns? Come on, Jane.
What are you doing? Give me a test.
- Come on. - Bernie Williams.
( Imitates buzzer ) wrong. Manny.
- Manny? - Manny Manny man... whoa!
- Jeez, I'm so sorry. - ( Laughing )
- I took your shoe right off. - No, it's fine.
- Are you really sorry? Really? - Yes. Yes.
- Okay, then give me a bow. - I don't know if I'm bow sorry.
No, I need bow sorry or I'm not forgiving you.
- Really? - yeah.
- You want the bow? - I do.
- Jane. - Larry.
- You've got it. - Yay.
( Jane laughs )
Whoa, you dropped something.
What is this?
Are you juicing?
No no.
Look, it's not for performance.
- It's just for recovery. - Bullshit, Larry.
No, seriously. Are you kidding?
I can put up those numbers anytime.
You think anybody else could do what I do
just by taking one of those pills? I have skills.
( Scoffs )
Hey, what are you doing? Where's my ticket?
- What about the hall of fame? - You're not getting in.
Everybody's doing it! I was just leveling the playing field!
I'm sorry!
So sorry!
Larry: anyway, I heard about what happened.
I really felt terrible and thought I should...
Forget it. You know why? Because the important thing is
whatever brought you here is now the beginning of a friendship.
- I approached you, I asked you, you let it sink in... - Mr. duckstein.
Lunch. - ...And here we are. Oh, lunch time.
Lunch time. You know something? 1:00.
What do we have today? Salisbury steak.
- Would you like to stay for lunch? - No no.
This could be our first meal together. Get my friend some lunch.
My new friend some lunch. You know something?
This is so ironic. We're having lunch after all.
Talk about destiny. I feel it, I know you feel it.
This is gonna be the first
of god knows how many lunches. Because this is the beginning.
( Theme music playing )