, ( theme music playing )
Hello? No, I can't find it.
Yeah, you know, my assistant's not here.
I can't... I don't know where it is.
I'm sorry. Thank you.
- Hey. - Let's go.
( Sighs ) lunch.
- Lunch! - I forgot all about it.
Where's antoinette? Doesn't she remind you of these things?
Yeah, except she hasn't been here in three weeks.
- Well, where is she? - She told me that her father was dying
and she wanted to go home and spend some time with him
and he hasn't died.
He's kind of, you know, lingering.
- What if he hangs on for, like, six months? - That's the problem!
- You're stuck. - I know, what can I do? I can't fire her.
- Right? - You know, if he knew
that his daughter's job was in jeopardy,
based on hanging on, he'd die.
Maybe if she just said, "dad, I've got to get back to work."
- Yeah. - ( knocks )
Hey, I'm dino from big dog productions.
I'm moving in next door. You can call me dog.
- Everybody calls me dog. - Larry: Dog!
- Yeah, that's it. - I like it.
Um, anyway, I'm doing the shark show.
You've heard of the shark show, right, "great white wonderland"?
- I've seen some ads on busses, yeah. - That's the show.
Anyway, we're going to be seeing each other around campus,
so I just thought I'd drift on in and say hey.
- Oh, nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you too.
Oh, we're probably gonna be sharing the kitchen?
Do you mind if I take a cabinet?
- Yeah, sure. - I really really appreciate it.
- No problem. - So we're cool with that?
- Yeah. - See you, man.
- Thanks, dog. - I can't believe you just gave away a cabinet.
You never give up a cabinet. Never give up a cabinet.
- I guess I was stupid. - You don't give away a cabinet.
- Eh, I think it'll be fine. - No, it's not gonna be fine.
- Aw, don't worry about it. - Let's go, come on.
Okay, thank you very much.
- See you tonight. - Yeah, okay.
- Did I just see you kiss the hostess? - No.
- Huh-uh. - And she kissed you back.
- Really? - What the heck's...
- What do you think? - Beautiful girl.
But you're shitting where you eat.
- That's right. I'm shitting where I eat. - Yeah.
We love this restaurant. You're never gonna be able to come back here.
Inevitably I will break up with her.
- There's no question about it. - Uh-huh?
But when that happens...
- Mm-hmm? - I will come back here.
- And I will shit where I eat. - Or eat where you shat.
- Or eat where I shat. - I've never seen it done.
- I'm hell-bent on doing it. - ( Phone chimes )
- You're hell-bent? - Yes.
All right.
Ah, she texted me.
She texted you, how adorable.
Yeah, a smiley face at the end.
Oh, a smiley face. See, I hate that.
( Groans ) I told her about the smiley faces.
I can't stand it. And everybody uses them!
- I don't understand. - What, are they gonna be in newspapers soon?
("New York times" headline: "Unemployment drops:)"
- That's where we're headed. - Man: Hey.
- Hey, stu. - Hi, how are you, stu?
- What's up? Good to see you. - Hi.
- How are you? Good to see you. - Hey.
Oh, man, you know, your cheek just touched mine on that hug.
- Yeah, I hugged you. - I know, but still,
check-to-cheek contact from men... that's unacceptable.
- I'll remember that for next time. - That's a no no.
Hey, why don't we have dinner on Saturday night?
- Are you guys free? - Well, to be honest,
things aren't so great with susie and I right now.
I think it'd be best if we'd bow out of Saturday night.
- It's not gonna work. - Of course, I understand. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, it's okay. It'll work out. - All right, well then,
Saturday night?
Sure! Yeah.
- I'll call you to confirm. Awesome. - Okay.
- Bye, guys. - Okay, st...
That is right. - "Things aren't so great right now..."
With susie and I, they're not so great.
- "...with susie and I." - They're not great.
Congratulations. That was gorgeous.
- Perfection, right? - Meanwhile I'm having dinner with the two of them.
By the way, things many times are not great with susie and I.
It's never stopped us from going to dinner.
( Music playing )
Oh, by the way,
very cute text that you sent me. It was very sweet.
Be careful about the smiley faces.
- What's wrong with the smiley face? - I feel like
- I'm getting a text from a 10-year-old. - Okay, I can do that.
- All right. - You think you can do that?
- Yes, I can. Okay. - Okay?
- Let me ask you something. - Mm-hmm.
Do you see anything on my forehead? Is there a little Mark there?
- Y-yeah. - Huh.
- I'll go see Dr. rivkin. - Why are we talking instead of kissing?
Why can't you kiss and talk?
I don't... I don't know, I just feel like eating while you're talking...
- It's not mutually exclusive. - It seems a little weird to me.
- I don't know. - You know, I talk during intercourse too.
- You do? - Yes.
- I'm looking forward to that. - Okay.
( Door opens ) - that is so funny. Hey, guys.
I just saw this hilarious YouTube video.
This woman, she gets robbed, right?
And, um... well, that's not the funny part.
I'm sorry, Larry, this is my neice Mimi.
- She's just staying with me for a couple of weeks. - Hello.
The funny thing is my mom's the one who sent it to me.
- No, she didn't. - I didn't even know she knew how to use YouTube.
Hey, you know, we're making out here.
Sorry.
I didn't... I didn't know. 'Cause I heard you guys talking.
You can talk and make out.
Well, not if it's good.
- That's really not your concern. - I've never heard of that.
Okay, now you've heard of it. Tsk.
- Larry: Good night. - Enjoy your...
- Here, take the bowl with you. - Oh, thank you.
- Heidi: Good night, sweetheart. - Thanks, good night.
Have fun talking. Ha ha.
Maybe this is
a good break in the action.
- Oh, okay. - Yeah okay.
No problem.
Oh goodness. But that was fun.
- Yeah. - Thank you for dinner.
- Oh, you're quite welcome. - Oh, do you have any cash?
Just I can pay you back when I see you at the restaurant.
- Sure, yeah. - I totally forgot I have to get up
and go to the farmer's market and I just need a little bit of...
- how about 60 bucks? There you go. - 60 bucks,
- thank you very much. - Bye.
Bye.
- ( Sighs ) - hey, Larry.
- How's it going? - You know what?
- It's not going so great. - Why's that?
Why's that? Look at this!
What'd you do? You stuffed me into one cabinet!
Looks like it all fit in there.
I gave you a cabinet. You took two?
That's not fair. We have the same number of people.
Well, right now I have two people, yeah,
but I told you I'm doing the shark show. They're gonna be back.
- When? When are they coming back? - I don't know, Larry.
When they're done shooting the sharks, they will come back.
You want to be fair about this thing? I'll take this cabinet,
you take that cabinet and we'll split this one.
No.
This stays exactly the way it is.
Okay? Peace, brother.
Peace.
( Phone rings )
- Hello! - Larry: Mr. O'Malley.
- This is Larry David. - Hello, boss Larry there.
Hi, how are you doing?
How are you feeling?
Uh, about the same, I think, yeah.
Have the doctors...
Told you anything?
Oh, you know doctors. They don't tell you anything.
What kind of mood are they in when they... when they talk to you?
Do they kind of huddle together and whisper?
No.
Do they seem morose?
Lugubrious?
No, they take tests and I...
I don't know if I pass or fail.
Hmm.
- Is antoinette there? - Hold on a second.
Hey, thanks for calling. That's so sweet of you.
So big dog productions rented the office next door and they're sharing the kitchen with us.
And I had to give up a cabinet.
Larry, no! You never give up a cabinet.
Never ever give up a cabinet.
- He actually took two. - ( Sighs )
This is why you need to be here. Can't you come in for a day?
You know, straighten up a little bit. Maybe you can get one back.
( Groans ) all right, fine.
- Oh, terrific. - Why are you not with Richard right now?
- You were supposed to have lunch with Lewis. - Ah!
I'm 15 minutes late already! See, this is why I need you to come in.
I'll be there tomorrow. Bye-bye.
Ahh!
- I'm so sorry, honest to god. - Oh!
Oh, you decide to show up after all.
So sorry. No, I was at the dermatologist.
And he kept me waiting for 45 minutes.
- 45 minute... rivkin did? - 45... yes!
He made you wait for 45... Are you lying to me?
- No! - Your voice just went up.
- What? So what? - That means you're lying.
- Get out, no! - People who do that, that means they're lying.
- I was just being emphatic. - The whole Watergate trial,
( high-pitched ) they went "no, I wasn't there!"
- Okay, but I was being emphatic. - Rivkin?
- Boy, that really burns me, man. - What?
I'm really... that pisses me off. 'Cause he's a cool guy
and now he's turning into one of those guys in Beverly Hills.
You know, they keep you waiting there in the room there with 1300 other people.
- I usually go right in. - Somebody was... had got a bad burn
- and it took a long time. - Well, this is bullshit.
- It's not his fault! He had a burn victim. - He's my doctor, why can't...
- Hi, how are you? - Hey!
- Both: Hi. - What just happened here?
- Am I dreaming? - Oh, Richard, Heidi.
- Hi. - She's the hostess here.
- How are you? - Hi, Heidi. Nice to meet you.
Hi, nice to meet you. Wow, you never told me about Heidi.
- Did you go to the farmer's market? - No, I didn't.
I overslept, so I went to whole foods instead and I used my credit card.
- So you still got the $60. - Yeah.
Anyway, I didn't want to interrupt. I just wanted to say hi
and tell you to have a nice lunch. It was so nice to meet you.
Pleasure. Thank you. Have a good meal.
Bye.
- Are you out of your fucking mind? - I know.
- You don't shit where you eat. - This is your favorite restaurant.
You work 20 seconds from here. You're not gonna stick with her.
- No, of course not. - You'll never be able to come here again.
- Oh, won't I? - I shat where I ate
all over Hollywood and Beverly Hills.
- I'm down to four restaurants. - Mm-hmm.
Mr. chow's... out. The palm... out.
- You can't go there? - Med cafe... out.
So, you know, what are you doing?
I say that I will eat here again.
- Oh really? - Yes.
I will be the Edmund Hillary...
- ( Snickers ) the ed... - Of shitting where you eat.
- You think so? - Yes yes.
- The first guy? - The first guy.
- Until that happens, you're an idiot. - Hey, let me ask you something.
Sure. So yesterday she took $60 from me.
- I heard, yeah. - To go shopping.
- But she didn't use it? - So?
It's... shouldn't she be giving it back?
What's $60 by comparison to intercourse with a woman like that?
Still, it's a question of character.
- You know. - I'm sorry, Mr. Lincoln.
- You're a fucking schmuck. - Well, we don't see it the same way.
- Happy? - Oh!
- How about that? - Fabulous.
This is what a desk should look like.
Yeah, how did it get that way, by the way?
You know, it just builds up.
- This is great. - Thank you.
- All right. - Ooh, and I got you treats.
- There it is. - You see? It's one day.
You came in for one day, tomorrow you'll go back to the hospital.
And I am gonna get that cabinet back for us.
You get that cabinet back, there'll be a little something in it for you.
Okay, I'm gonna just unpack that stuff.
- Good to have you back. - Absolutely.
- This is nice. - Thank you.
- Knock knock knock. - Hey, Larry, hello!
- Oh hey, how's it going? - Larry!
- Give it up, okay? - Woman: Aw, come on.
- ( Moans ) - ( woman laughs )
- Hi. - Hi, honey. How are you?
- Good. - Miriam was visiting. We just wanted to come by
and say how excited we are for dinner.
- Yes yes! - It's very exciting.
You know I'm taking out the hostess from the restaurant?
- That's so cute. That's adorable. - Yeah.
- She's smart too. - I'm sure she's very intelligent.
- I don't doubt it. - Yeah, you wouldn't be with someone who's not.
- No, I would be. - Anyways.
But I am dying to know why in the hell aren't Jeff and susie coming?
- What did they say? - They said that things aren't
- great right now. - Great, yeah.
- What does that mean? - Yeah.
I don't know. He didn't tell me.
- Is he having an affair? - ( High-pitched ) no!
- Oooh, you heard it right? - Yeah.
That high... - heard what? What are you talking about?
- He went way up, right? You heard it? - Yeah.
- That's what people do when they're lying. - Oh, stop it!
- Come on. - Is he having an affair?
( Deeply ) no no!
Larry... - no, he's not having an affair.
We're not gonna say a word, so don't even worry about it.
It doesn't matter and you haven't said a word.
- I haven't said a word. - We know nothing.
It's true, you do know nothing. There's nothing to know.
- ( Miriam laughs ) bye. - We'll see you.
- Bye, sweetie. - Can't wait.
Antoinette: Bye, nice to see you. Larry David's office.
No, hi, mom.
Uh... okay, yeah, I'll be there.
My dad just died.
My mom... the last thing he said was
"where's antoinette?"
Guess where I was.
Huh.
That is what we call in my business a benign keratosis.
You'll be fine.
I was sick from this, honest to god.
I'm glad you came in. All you have to do
is cover this with a little 100 sunblock and you'll be fine.
- All right, 100... pretty high. - Yeah well, it does the job.
Look, I want to talk to you about something else.
I was so sorry to hear about antoinette's father Jim.
Ah, well.
You know that he and I used to play in a band together for a while.
Right! - As a matter of fact, antoinette called me recently
and asked me to play at his funeral.
I'm playing.
"Danny boy" on the flute.
- Is that so? - As they lower the casket.
- Oh, that's beautiful. - Yeah.
All right, I'm on my way.
Oh, listen, one other thing. Richard Lewis, he's a friend of yours, is he not?
- Yeah. - Yeah yeah.
He recently canceled an appointment with me
at the last minute and hasn't rescheduled yet.
Have you any idea why such a thing would take place?
Nope.
And several people who he has refered to me
have canceled at the last minute and have not rescheduled.
- Do you have any idea why... - No!
Well, it's a mystery to me.
I wouldn't worry about it. He's a little nutty.
- You know. - This I know.
Listen, as long as you're here,
it's been about two years since you've been here.
- Okay. - I need to look you over
- from head to toe. - The full body scan in my underwear?
It's important I take a look at you.
- I'm very uncomfortable with that, frankly. - I know you are.
You-you look at my penis. I-i... I don't... I don't like it.
It will be the briefest look at your penis, believe me.
I have to masturbate before I come so I exhaust the area.
- It's a whole to-do. - It's routine.
It's routine and it is strictly necessary, all right?
- So if you don't mind, I'll make an appointment... - thanks, doc, I don't think so.
I hope you're planning on putting that stuff away somewhere.
Yeah, I am putting it away. Right here.
I have no space in here, so where do you suggest I put it?
We've got some ground rules we've gotta make here, right?
This space has to remain clean!
There can be no bullshit on this counter, do you understand?
By the way, you're the one who took my stuff
out of these two cabinets and put it into this one.
You're telling me it's unfair the amount of cabinet space
- that I've taken? - Yes yes.
There are two things about dog that everybody knows, okay?
I am clean and I am fair.
- Oh really? - Okay?
These cabinets are mine... look!
"For big dog only. For big dog only."
Big shit! You put the labels on, so what?
- You can rip the labels off. - Don't touch the fucking labels!
Look, big dog does not give up cabinets.
- Well, guess what, big dog. - What?
This food is staying here because I have no place to put it!
This isn't even food. What the fuck is this?
- It's rabbit food. - Oh, is that right?
You got pudding in here, okay? You got fucking pudding. Gimme a break.
Chocolate pretzels? Get the hell out of here!
What do you got in here? Oh, cheese dips... come on.
This weighs almost five lbs. You eat this? You put this in your body?
Yeah, it's good bread. It has no yeast in it.
- It's not bread. - That's bread, that's bread.
By the way, I saw the show? It stinks.
The sharks are swimming around. Nobody's even... the sharks aren't eating anybody.
- Nothing's going on, just sharks swimming around. - Are you getting negative
- about my show? - Yeah, your show stinks.
And you know what? I'm not calling you dog anymore.
The dog days are over. From now on, you're dino!
- Jesus Christ, calm down. - Fuck you, dog!
You said "fuck you, dog" to me?
Take your fucking rabbit food
and your goddamn five-lb bread and stick it up your fucking ass!
- Finally the guy dies. - Oh my god.
She found out on the phone in my office, yeah.
Oh my god, that's awful.
I know... I know what she must be going through
because my dad died about two years ago.
Huh.
What... what was that?
That's all you have to say when I tell you my father died?
What should I have said?
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"Sad news"?
With all due respect,
don't you think the sorry window has closed on that?
The sorry window? I didn't know there was a sorry window.
Two years, you're still getting sorries? I don't think so.
- That's a long time for sorries. - I don't think so.
That's like saying "happy new year" in October.
( Scoffs ) it's different.
Oh shit. I forgot to put sunblock on.
- Do you want me to put it on for you? - Yeah, thanks.
You're welcome.
Oh, um, by the way,
- you know that pen you loaned me? - Yeah.
I'm just gonna return it.
But I don't... I don't need it.
- You can keep it. - Turns out I didn't need it either.
But when I borrow something, I return.
Borrow, return.
Oh, for god's sake.
Is this about...
Is this about the 60... The 60 bucks that you lent me?
No, of course not!
Although, I mean, now that you mention it.
I did give you $60.
I guess it's kind of, what? In your wallet now.
This is ridiculous.
I can't believe you would actually need
to get $60 back from me.
That I probably would have given you at some point anyway.
I don't think you would have.
Okay, you know what, Larry?
I've really tried, but the truth is
- I think this has run its course. - Huh.
- It's a breakup. - Yeah, it's a breakup.
Is this 'cause I didn't say I'm sorry?
- Is that what this is about? - Nothing to do with the I'm sorry.
Did you get the whole head?
Yes, I did.
- ( Huffs ) - ( door closes )
Oh!
Sorry.
I'm very sorry.
Terribly sorry. So sorry.
Excuse me.
You've got something on your head.
I believe they refer to that as a smiley face.
They're frequently used by idiots
at the end of emails and text messages,
(such as "I miss you.:)"
- I don't know if it's appropriate for a funeral. - It's not.
You're probably right about that. Not much I can do about it.
I have a hat in my car. It's a dodger hat.
Yeah, I hate the Dodgers. That's okay.
Mom, it's Larry. Hi, Larry.
So sorry.
Larry, you've got something on your forehead.
I believe that's called a smiley face.
- What's it doing there? - Well, a disgruntled woman
drew it with sunblock and then I fell asleep in the sun.
She owed me $60 and wouldn't pay me,
so I... I brought it up.
- It's not hers! - Right.
- It's not hers. It's my money. - Right. Absolutely.
- Mom, I'm gonna go get a glass of water, okay? - Am I crazy?
- I'll be right back. - Rosemary, am I crazy?
- Well, um... - Huh?
- Thanks for being here. - Yeah.
They loved each other very much. It's very hard on her.
And she was not at her father's bedside when he passed away.
You know, the bedside's a little overrated, frankly.
Not that much goes on there.
You think they're gonna say "rosebud" or something.
They're not saying rosebud, whatever that is.
Obviously she's grieving deeply for her father.
How long do you think the...
Grieving process
might take for her?
It's going to take probably several weeks
for my daughter to get back to work.
Mmmm, I don't know, maybe...
Maybe I could fill in for her.
- Really? - I was an executive secretary for 30 years.
Wow, this is a very exciting and interesting idea.
I really need something to do right now
to take my mind off of my grief.
And I would be holding the job for my daughter.
- You're shitting me? - Not shitting.
- No shit? - No shit.
- Let's do it. - All right.
Uh, Monday morning.
- Deal. ( Giggles ) - deal.
Don't wear that hat.
Man: I first met Jimmy in 1968.
I was fresh out of business school,
clutching my little c.P.A. Degree in my hot hand.
He saw a little piece of music
sticking out of the corner of my briefcase.
And he said, "you play?" He hired me that day
right on the spot.
He thought I had a lot of passion... passion for music
- and passion for accounting... - Richard?
I once said to his wife Rosemary...
How's that rash?
Do you care... honestly?
More than you do apparently.
You canceled our appointment last week.
I canceled my appointment because you made Larry David
wait 45 minutes before you saw him.
No way I'm waiting 45 minutes for any doctor, let alone you or any...
Wait wait wait. I beg your pardon.
I made Larry David wait 45 minutes for an appointment?
- That's what he told me right to my face. - Nonsense. That's a lie.
I never let any of my patients wait 45 minutes.
That is a boldfaced lie.
I'm saying he lied.
What an asshole he is.
I'm sorry. I still have the rash.
That jerk.
* camptown ladies sing this song, doo-dah doo-dah *
* a camptown racetrack five miles long, doo-Dee doo-Dee day *
- * going to run all night... - ( Honks )
* going to...
Pull over, Mr. David, please. I'd like to speak with you.
Thank you.
What this I hear? I made you wait 3/4s of an hour?
Yeah, sorry. Sorry about that.
What the hell's that sunburn on your head?
- That's... - Look, I don't care about this.
You have slandered me, my friend.
Sorry. I was... I was late for this lunch with Richard Lewis
and I've been late a few times with him and I need an excuse
and I'm... I'm sorry.
- You'll talk to Mr. Lewis? - I'm gonna tell him.
You'll submit to a full...
Body survey?
If you don't sneak a peek at the penis, I'll... I'll...
- I don't want to see that. - Okay.
Where the hell's the procession?
I'm supposed to play "Danny boy" on my flute at the graveside!
Where the hell's the cemetery? Do you know where it is?
I don't know.
Where did they go?
I'm sorry. I don't know where Dr. Rivkin is.
I don't know what to tell you.
I hear he keeps his patients waiting all the time.
Yeah well, I'm canceling my appointment.
Excuse me, Larry. Here's your tea.
- Oh wow, look at that. - There you are.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
By the way, I gotta tell you, you're doing a fantastic job.
- Thank you, Larry. - I'm very very pleased.
I like this new system you installed here.
You put my change in here. The vaccum-sealed nuts...
I mean, come on.
And I am going to get that cabinet back.
I bet you will.
Oh, you must be Mr. Greene.
- That I am. - Rosemary.
- Hi Rosemary. - I'll be right back.
- You fired antoinette? - No, that's her mother.
- It's her mom? - Yeah.
She's amazing! I'd love to fire antoinette and hire her permanently.
I can't do that. Nobody could pull that off.
- Impossible. - Ready to go to lunch?
- I'm just gonna run to the bathroom. - Mm-hmm.
- Excuse me. - It's okay.
I'll just put these on his desk.
How are you doing? You holding up okay?
( Tearfully ) I must tell you, at times it's very difficult
because I do miss him very very much.
( Huffs )
Hey, dog!
That's my kitchen too! I've got a cabinet in there!
Hey, Larry.
How are you, man? Hey, what's up, man?
- ( Whimpers ) - oh, good to see you.
Hey, we're so excited to have dinner with you guys.
We're excited to hang out with Heidi... Heidi, right?
Oh, um...
Pfft, you know what, stu?
- I'm so sorry. - No, Larry, don't.
The thing is things aren't great right now
between me and Heidi.
Mm-hmm. You're actually gonna use
the same bullshit excuse that Jeff did?
- That things aren't great right now? - I am telling you the truth.
I can't believe it. So you're telling me the truth?
Yes! - And Jeff's telling me the truth?
( High-pitched ) yeah, yes!
Uh-oh.
- Jeff was lying? - Yeah.
Oh shit. Oh, we made a huge mistake.
Miriam told susie that...
That Jeff's having an affair.
What, is she insane? Why would she do that?
Because your voice... when we came to your office your voice went up.
- So susie thinks they're having an affair? - Yes.
( Music playing )
- So you think that my wife has a big mouth? - ( Deeply ) yes!
Is that why Jeff doesn't want to go to dinner with us? - ( Deeply ) yes!
- Susie! - Philandering
cocksucking fucking fatso!
Susie! - Does he think he can get away with this shit with me?
- No, susie! No! - Rosemary: Leave him alone!
Susie: Who is this fucking whore you're with? - ( Slaps )
Jeff: Hey, that's antoinette's mother.
You're fucking antoinette's mother? That's sick!
- ( Slaps ) - Rosemary: Stop please.
( Whistles )
- ( Forced laugh ) - hello.
Um, I asked you not to come here.
Yes, I know, but I shat where I ate.
And now I shall eat where I shat.
My relationship with you is over,
but my relationship with this restaurant
lives on.
Is everything okay with your meal?
- Did you put something in the food? - ( High-pitched ) no!
( Theme music playing )