( Theme music playing )
( Whistling )
Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry.
Who are you listening to?
What?
Who are you listening to?
Um, chee-yun.
- Oh, I'm a huge fan of chee-yun's. - Are you serious?
- I love her. - Isn't she fantastic?
I saw her at Disney hall. I was in seats right down front.
- Okay, I was at that concert. - You were?
- Yeah. - well, then you know.
- You were right down front? - She's fantastic.
You're gonna be really jealous when I tell you this.
What?
I'm seeing her in a private recital at a friend's house.
- Ooh! - I love the sound of envy.
- ( Laughing ) - it's music to my ears.
- You have a cruel streak. - Music to my ears.
You know what? If I knew you better I'd invite you.
Yeah, how do we arrange that?
Well, you know what? Maybe we should have a little predate.
A predate date.
- A date before the recital. - Right.
You're halfway decent looking. I think we could arrange it.
- Wow, thanks. - Yeah.
It's those compliments that just keep me going.
Yeah. yeah, let's arrange it.
You're not some creepo creep, are you?
I am. I'm a total creep.
( Laughs ) okay, creepy.
- I'm Denise. - I'm... I'm Larry.
Larry.
Just so you know, I had to fire Bobby last week.
Well, you know, there's a technique to firing.
- A technique? - Yeah, bad news has to be delivered in a casual way.
Like it's not... Like it's not bad news.
If you deliver bad news like it's bad news, it's gonna be bad news.
If you deliver bad news like it's not a big deal, then it's not a big deal.
It's like you're in the hospital, the doctor comes in
and says, "oh good, nice shades. You have terminal cancer."
That's exactly my point. This is how a doctor should do it.
- ( Phone ringing ) - oh, I have to take this.
It's a little bit mean and insensitive, Larry. You should think about that.
I'm thinking about them, to let them down easy.
I couldn't do that.
Um, I'm gonna go get some new silverware.
And by the way, susie, i so want to divorce you.
( Both laughing )
Hey, did you call the wheelchair girl?
- Yeah, I had to. - Yeah, you had no choice.
- Once she wheeled out from the table... - Uh-huh.
I... come on, what could I do? I'm taking her out tonight.
- You're going out tonight? - Yeah. I was stuck.
I didn't want her to think i was a bad guy.
It's an adventure. It's an adventure.
- Exactly. it's a new experience. - It's great, new experience.
What's going on with the Seinfeld show?
- You writing it? - Yeah, started writing.
This is gonna be so fantastic.
I know, I'm really looking forward to it.
- Hey, sorry about that. - Hey hey.
- No problem. - My kid never stops calling me anymore.
- Here you are. - Thank you very much. I had a great time.
- I got that. - No, it's okay.
- It was a wonderful lunch. - Seriously, I got that.
- No, I put my hand on it. - Seriously, I invited you.
Come on, it's the inviter who picks up.
I had first dibs. I touched it first, Larry.
I asked, though. I think that gets priority.
What gets priority on a check, asker or toucher?
What is he, judge Judy?
I put my hand on it.
Yeah, but I asked you to lunch, so...
You can't just grab the check
if someone has the check, Larry.
- That is absurdly rude. - Rosie, I asked you to lunch.
- This is my pleasure. - No, it's not. It's my pleasure.
No. give me the check, Rosie.
- Don't you be absurd. - Hey, come on.
Hey hey hey.
Hey hey, get off. Come on. Come on.
- Is that Larry? Larry. - It is you.
- Oh, hey. - We were just talking about you.
- Really? - are you still gonna make it
to the chee-yun recital at our house?
Are you kidding? Of course I'm coming.
I'm a huge fan of hers. My god.
- Have you guys met? - You've never met Kelsey before.
- Hello, Kelsey. - Yes, this is Kelsey.
We just got her six months ago. Larry, Kelsey; Kelsey, Larry.
Hello, Kelsey. Kelsey. Kelsey grammer.
- Frasier. - just Kelsey. We don't call her frasier.
- That's kind of weird. - Oh, no?
- Let me ask you this question. - Yeah?
Have you noticed if she has any proclivity for chopsticks?
- Why? - why would she have a proclivity for chopsticks?
- Well, she's Chinese. - Do you think she is also a kung fu master?
No, all I'm wondering is this:
If you took an American kid who's never used chopsticks before
and a Chinese kid who's never used chopsticks before,
would the Chinese kid do better?
- So the American kid is the control group in... - She uses a fork.
- Do me a favor. - What?
First time she uses chopsticks, give me a call.
- Just let me know. - Okay, you know what? We have to...
Give me a call and say, "you wouldn't believe it. This kid's amazing."
- Got to go. - Okay, we'll do that.
Let me ask you this question:
Do you have any concerns
that one of the biological parents could be a psychotic?
- Okay, I think it's... - I'm just saying.
You don't want to have a schizophrenic on your hands.
All of a sudden you wake up in the middle of the night... ( Grunts )
- I hope not. - Well, she's healthy, I think.
- We'd better go. - Yeah, we should head out.
- We'll talk to you, Larry. - Bye, Kelsey.
- See you guys. See you at the concert. - Yeah.
- Hey, we're walking in the same direction. - Oh gosh, really?
If we're gonna have a second date, you're gonna have to get an electric chair.
- Well... - I'm not doing this again.
This looks nice.
Where's the ramp?
Where is the ramp?
Are you kidding me? There's no ramp?
Well, I can't... I can't really eat here.
- Let's go somewhere else. - You know what?
By the time we get to the car and get to another restaurant it's gonna be an hour.
- I'm starving. - I can't walk. I can't...
Well, what if I carried you?
- Come on. - I feel awful.
It'll be one two three. We'll be up there before you know it.
( Sighs ) okay.
( Groaning )
Lift with your legs.
- I am lifting with my legs. - Don't carry it all on your back.
( Groaning )
- Larry, hurry up. - Hurry up?
- Hurry up. - Shut up!
- Two more steps, go. - ( Groaning )
- Okay. - where am I gonna put you down?
( Groans )
Jesus, that really got my back.
Yeah.
I feel it radiating down my leg.
How am I gonna play golf tomorrow?
So you'll take a day off maybe.
I'll take a cart.
Yeah, don't you take a cart anyway?
- No, I usually walk. - Oh, really?
No, that's not true.
That's not true at all. I never walk.
Walking is completely overrated. Wouldn't be caught dead walking.
Always take a cart. I'm not a Walker.
I would think that it would be nice to walk on a golf course.
No, not nearly as good as taking a cart.
In fact, I don't do much walking at all.
Generally I'm just walking from one place to sit to the other place to sit.
Yeah, but I'm not... you can't classify me as a Walker.
- I got it. - Can I say something?
- What? - I'm picking up a vibe here.
Can I be perfectly honest?
When I walked into your house you gave me this look like,
I don't know, like you were disappointed or something.
- Okay. - ah.
The thing is that when...
When we first met
you were wearing a hat.
And then you came to the door and I was like, "who's this?"
Oh oh!"
Because you are bald.
You're bald and I didn't know that you were bald.
Like I said, it's no big deal.
- It's really not a problem. - I get it.
I get it.
I had a hat on and then baldy showed up.
I just didn't know.
You feel i misrepresented myself.
- You thought I was a hair man. - It was just different.
- Is it a problem for you? - No, is it a problem for you?
I mean, you're the one who has to live with it.
- No, it's not a problem for me. - Okay.
- It's not a problem. - You know there's options.
- Have you ever considered plugs? - Plugs? Plugs?
- Yeah. - you mention plugs to me?
You mention... you sit at this table and mention plugs?
- Are you serious? - Just didn't know.
Yeah, I didn't know when you wheeled away from the table that...
Mm-hmm, that I'm a wheelie.
- That you're a wheelie. - Right.
By the way, what's the proper term? Can I say handicapped?
What is it? Are you disabled? Handicapped?
- What's the word? - Yeah, those are...
Challenged? are you challenged?
Right now I am, yeah.
Okay.
- Okay. all right. - Hmm.
Well, there's your date. That's your date.
- Thanks. - that was a date.
- It sure was. - Huh?
Would you like to come in?
Um, you know,
I should probably... I should probably get going.
Right. because I'm handicapped?
What? no, of course not. What are you saying that for?
Oh, okay. All right, then why?
Okay, I'll... I'll come in.
Great - okay.
Okay.
Let's see.
Mmm.
Okay. okay, keep going.
Oh!
( Grunts )
Oh no. Oh!
How do...
How do other people do this?
We just... we go to the bedroom.
( Clicks tongue )
( Drum roll )
( Screams )
( Panting )
- Anything? - no.
Hmm.
Interesting.
Hey, Larry. This is John Fowler.
I don't know what happened on the street yesterday, but...
Jamie: is that him? He's a fucking asshole!
John: I think it would be best for everyone
if you didn't come to the chee-yun concert.
Jamie: I don't want him anywhere near Kelsey!
John: sorry. Bye.
What's up, man?
You got in kind of late last night, right?
How was the date with that wheelchair chick?
- I don't kiss and tell. - Come on, man, what happened?
Well, I'll just give you the bare bones of it, okay?
Oh shit, you gave it to her, right?
Yeah, and there was like no reaction at all.
- Hmm. - and I don't know
if it's because I was bad and didn't know what I was doing,
or if it's just her condition.
- Did you bring it? - I brought it.
- You did your thing? - Yeah.
- And no response at all? - Nothing.
If you fucking brung it, if you really fucking brung it, man,
it doesn't matter what the fuck is wrong with her...
Coma, fucking handicapped, any of that shit.
I don't think you fucking brung it.
I'm telling you I brung it. I know when I bring it
and I know when I don't bring it, and I brought it.
- You did your fucking thing? - Yes.
- You did the dizzle on her, right? - I did what?
- The dizzle. - The dizzle?
You did your dizzle on her, right?
Yeah, I did my dizzle.
That means you did your fucking thing. No fucking response?
- Yes. - bring the fucking ruckus to that ass, Larry.
Oh, I supposed you think you could have gotten a response?
- You're goddamn right, Larry. - Bullshit.
I would've had her ass tap-dancing, Larry. I don't fuck around.
Give me her goddamn number. I'll go over there and twist that ass up, Larry.
- I'm not giving you her number. - I'll bend that bitch like Beckham.
I'll have her ass like a goddamn pretzel.
You should've broke that ass in two pieces.
You know what I'm saying? You should've came back with the bottom half of the ass.
- You know what I mean? What are you gonna do? - I don't know.
I don't really like her that much but she cornered me for dinner.
Oh no, fuck that. You got to break up with her ass.
I'll have to do it when I see her.
You can't break up with a handicapped person by phone, right?
No, huh-uh. No, you got to do it face to face.
It's not gonna be easy.
Look at this. No spaces.
I can't find a parking space.
Just park in the handicapped spot in front of the restaurant.
Handicapped spot? How am I gonna do that?
This is how. Like this.
Oh my god. This is unbelievable.
What a parking space.
How about this ramp? Are you loving this ramp?
- ( Laughs ) - a ramp.
Oh Christ. We don't have a reservation.
Oh, don't worry about it.
Hi. I'm sorry, it's gonna be about 45 minutes.
Oh, table for two?
- Mm-hmm. - great. Right this way, please.
- Really? - absolutely.
This way.
And we're gonna start you off with a couple of glasses of champagne.
- Isn't that sweet? - Compliments of the house.
- Seriously? - yes, absolutely.
- You do this for everyone? - No, we don't.
Thanks so much.
- That's nice. - Wow.
So what did you want to talk to me about?
You know, that pain in my leg went away.
Oh, good. Great.
- Well, I'm glad. - Yeah.
- Cheers. - cheers.
I hope you two saved room.
We have some pie, compliments of Mr. Ted Danson,
- sitting just over there. - What?
- Yup. - how nice.
Hey.
But I don't have any room. I am stuffed.
I'm kinda full myself. I don't think I'm really in the mood for that.
No problem, sure. I'll just get this out of the way for you
- and then bring your check. - Terrific. Yeah, great idea.
- Thank you. - Thanks.
- Hey, how are you? - Oh, hey.
Yeah, you're gonna... This pie is the best pie
I've ever had in my entire life. You will love the pie.
Thank you. This is Denise, by the way, Ted.
- Hey. - hi.
- Oh! hi, how are you? - Hi.
- Nice to see you. - Nice to meet you.
Yeah, nice to meet you too. Very nice.
Little surprising, but nice.
You're gonna love this. It is the best piece of pie you've ever had.
Honestly, I'm really... I'm not eating dessert anymore.
Just have one bite. Have a bite, come on.
I'm not in the mood, Ted. I don't want it.
Thank you. It's a nice gesture.
You're making me look like an asshole.
I had the option of ordering dessert
and I didn't want the dessert at the time.
- So I don't want the dessert. - Just have one little bite.
- For my sake. Please, be a friend. - I don't care.
- Be a fucking friend, will you please? - I am a friend.
I don't have to take a bite just because you want me to.
- Have a bite of the pie. - I'm just gonna get this out of the way for you.
- Thank you. - No no, put the pie down.
- Put the pie down. - No, don't. Here take it.
- Take it. I don't want it. - Don't pick up that pie.
- Put the pie down. - I'm not taking a bite. I don't want a bite.
Take this fucking piece of pie and get it out of my face.
- Put the fucking pie down! - Don't put that pie down!
- Do not put that pie down! - God damn it!
You know something? I heard Rosie O'Donnell beat the crap out of you.
- Oh, really? That's bullshit. - That's what I heard.
- Rosie beat the crap out of you. - Bullshit bullshit.
- You big sissy. You big fucking sissy. - She's saying that?
Is that what she's saying? Get this thing away from me. Thank you very much.
Rosie O'Donnell. That's bullshit, by the way.
She got me down, yeah. Okay, I admit that.
She got me down and i could have reversed it,
but it was stopped. People interfered. That's all.
How dare you go around spreading that rumor?
Why are you fighting women?
She started it.
Oh, what a lovely night for a stroll and a roll.
That's right.
This is so nice. Thank you.
Yeah.
- Larry, hi. - Hey, Larry.
- Oh, hello. - Hello.
- Hi, I'm Jamie Fowler. - Hi, Jamie. I'm Denise.
- We're dating. - Nice to meet you.
- No kidding. - Yeah, we just came from dinner.
- Well, that's terrific. - Good for you.
How nice. You guys are... look at that.
- Together? - yeah, we've had a couple dates.
- Nice. - wow, that's pretty...
- Larry, I never would have... - Impressive.
These are the people who disinvited us to the concert.
- Chee-yun? - I told her about it.
- She was really looking forward to it. - Yeah, I was.
- We kind of overreacted with that. - Absolutely.
- We would love to have both of you. - We misjudged you.
- Both of you please come. - Let bygones... just let it go.
Oh, all right. What the hell.
- There we go. There we go. - Yay yay.
Good for us. Look at us.
We will absolutely give you the best seat in the house. No question.
Or do you already have it?
- That's not funny. - I'm so sorry.
- That's not funny. - She was just overcompensating.
- We'll see you there. - Please.
- I'm excited. I'm looking forward to it. - Okay, great.
- So nice meeting you. - That wasn't funny.
I'm so sorry, Larry. We'll call. Okay.
I hate it at the beach.
Who likes the feeling of sand in their feet?
Even more than I hate the feeling of sand in my feet,
I hate the feeling of sand in my sneakers.
And it lasts for years afterwards.
If you wear your sneakers once on the beach, you never get it out.
- Hey. - Jeff: Hi.
- Is this a gorgeous day? - Yeah.
- Jeff, let's take a walk. - I'm comfortable.
- Come on, it's gorgeous. Perfect walking weather. - It is beautiful.
- It's good for you. - I don't want to. I'm not in the mood.
- Please. - no, I'm fine.
Get up off your fat ass and let's take a walk! It'll be romantic!
- That's nice. - Do me a favor and watch Sammi.
- She's gonna go in the water. - Sure.
- Okay, thanks. - Yeah, okay.
See? don't you feel better now?
( Jeff grumbles )
( Beeping )
Sammi: help! Help!
Help! help!
Sammi!
- Help! help! - Oh, okay.
One second.
- Be right there. - Help!
- ( Screaming ) - I'm coming. I'm coming.
Larry!
Help, Larry!
Larry, help!
- Oh my god. - Susie: Oh my god, Sammi!
- Good. - oh my god, Sammi!
Sammi, are you okay? Are you all right?
- We've got to get her a towel. - Is everything okay?
- She all right? - What the hell happened?
- You were supposed to be watching her! - No no.
I was going into the water but then i realized I had the BlackBerry.
- BlackBerry? give me that. - What? No!
( Screams )
( Groans )
Threw it right in the water. All my numbers, everything.
- Gone? - yeah, all gone.
- Susie's a nut. - I don't have a record of any of those.
- I got nothing in here now. - Oh, Denise called.
- What did she say? - Give her a call.
- She leave a number? - No.
Damn it. I don't have her number or her address.
- Call information. - I don't know her last name.
She was in my BlackBerry under Denise handicap.
That's how I remember these names.
Don't you do that in your BlackBerry?
You put names down with jobs,
some association so you remember who they are.
I've got Shawn yoga. You know, the yoga instructor.
- Teresa masseuse. - I do the same thing.
Like right here i got... look look.
Nancy big tits. I know Nancy's got big ass tits.
Jonel sweet ass. That's the only way I know who the fuck it is.
That's smart, you know?
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I can't just vanish into thin air. That would be terrible.
I mean, imagine doing that with a Walker, okay?
With a handicapped woman, just not call her like that,
you can't do that. I'll be a pariah.
If you saw the house, would you recognize it?
I think so. It was at night.
Let's just take a drive. Maybe we can find it.
- Let's go over there and look around. - Come on.
I think this is it. I think this is the neighborhood.
- It looks very familiar. - All these houses are the same, man.
Every time you go to a white neighborhood everything looks fucking nice and clean and shit.
When shit is too clean you can't fucking tell where the fuck you at.
You know what I mean? Is that her right there?
No, that's not her. But you know what? They might know each other.
- Yeah, it could be a whole... - I'm gonna pull over.
- Two women in a wheelchair? - They got to know each other.
Handicapped people know other handicapped people, right?
You would think. If you were living in an all-white neighborhood
and there was a brother, you would know the brother, right?
- I would know the brother. I would go holla at him. - Exactly.
- You don't mind me using the word brother, do you? - No, brother's cool.
- That's perfect. - How'd it sound coming out of my mouth?
- Sounds great coming out of your mouth. - Coming out of my mouth?
- Sounds cool, yeah. - You didn't mind me saying it?
- No, fuck that. - Okay.
- Brother sounds cool. - Okay.
( Laughing ) brother.
That's what it's come down to.
Excuse me.
I'm looking for a woman named Denise.
I think she lives in this neighborhood. I'm pretty sure.
And she's in a wheelchair much like yourself.
Ah, yeah.
Denise and me and Stephan Hawking, we hang out all the time,
'cause we all live in the wheelchair neighborhood.
No, I'm sorry. I don't know your friend.
You don't know her? You've never seen anybody rolling around here?
An attractive woman? No?
No. I'm so sorry that I don't know your friend Denise.
- But I've got to get going. - Where you going?
I've got work to do.
You need some... you need a push?
- No. - I'm a good pusher.
- Yeah, you're pushy all right. - Yeah, I'm pushy.
- What's your name? - Larry.
Okay, Larry, if you'll excuse me.
I really was enjoying my day until I met you.
What is this? Who are you listening to?
You wouldn't know her.
- Her name's chee-yun. - Hmm.
( Doorbell rings )
Thank you.
I'm gonna go over my playlist.
Let us know if you need anything.
- Hi. - hello.
- I'm Wendy. - Hi. Um...
Jamie. this is Jamie. I'm John. Welcome.
- How are you? - Hi, Jamie. Hi, John.
- Thank you for having us. - Welcome to our home, Larry.
- Thank you so much. - Thanks for bringing a friend.
- I brought my friend Wendy. - Huh.
- Great. - that's great. Welcome.
Thank you so much for giving us the opportunity to hear chee-yun.
Oh hey, any friend of Larry's...
- Thank you. - Any friend of Larry's.
You know what? Um, I'll be right back.
All right. Um, yeah.
How did... how did you two...
Hey, O'Donnell.
Hey, Larry. How are you?
- What's this? - What?
You're going around telling everybody you kicked my ass?
- What about it? - You didn't kick my ass.
I keep hearing from people you kicked my ass.
- I most certainly did, Larry. - No you didn't.
In a very crowded restaurant with witnesses.
I don't know where you're getting that interpretation from.
All I had to do was make one more move and you were dead.
That's what they all say... One more move.
It was over, Larry. I had you. Boom boom, you were down.
- Bullshit. - what can I tell you, Larry? Sometimes you're an asshole.
- Oh, I'm an asshole? - Yes.
- Really? - yes.
Well, assholes don't go out with the disabled, okay?
Check that out. Yeah, she's my date.
- That girl is your date? - That girl is my date.
- In the chair? - In the chair.
And let me tell you something: She's not my first.
- Really? - yeah, I date the disabled.
All right, so you got me on that one.
It doesn't mean you're not an asshole when it comes to checks at restaurants.
Let me tell you something: That was my check, okay? I invited you.
You were my guest. It was my pleasure.
That is bullshit. It was my pleasure.
- My pleasure, Rosie. - It was my pleasure.
Listen, who got the bill? I got the bill at the end.
Bottom line. And you want to know something?
Know what I'm doing next week? Know what I'm doing next week?
I'm renting a yacht and I'm calling all our friends
and we're taking a yacht to Catalina. And you're coming.
And I'm footing the whole freaking bill.
You know what I'm doing? I'm calling your family,
I'm flying them out here first class on a jet,
putting them up in a hotel, taking them out to dinner and you.
- Yeah yeah. - Oh really? How about this?
( Bell rings ) - we are going to get started in just a few minutes.
- Please start to make your way into the performance area. - Right this way.
When this is over, you meet me in the parking lot.
- We'll pick this up. - Parking lot.
- Yeah, we'll pick it up. - What's the matter?
- O'Donnell twisted my arm. - She twisted your arm?
Yeah, telling everybody that she kicked my ass.
She didn't kick my ass. You think she kicked my ass?
- You were there. - I'd stop messing with her.
- Really? - yeah.
Why didn't you come with Denise?
Well, susie threw my BlackBerry into the ocean
so I didn't have Denise's number.
Then I went looking for her and I met Wendy.
Wendy? who's Wendy?
Are you kidding me? Denise is here?
What?
Fuck.
What's going on with you? All these wheelchair girls.
I met her when i was looking for her.
- What are you gonna do? - I don't know.
- What should I do? - I don't know.
Um, enjoy. See you later.
Wow.
- Larry, we should go in. - You sure you want to do this?
( Laughs ) that's really funny.
Of course I want to do this. She's my favorite.
Okay. all right.
Uh...
- Just one second. - What are you doing?
One second. I'll be with you in one second.
What? Larry, what the hell is this?
- It's a joke. I'll be right back. - Larry.
- Hey. - what the hell happened?
Where were you? I waited and waited.
Finally I called information
and got the Fowler's number. What happened?
Somebody threw my BlackBerry in the ocean so I didn't have your number.
- I couldn't get in touch with you. - Really?
- Yeah. - ( phone ringing )
What's that ringing?
Oh, I got a new BlackBerry.
- Oh, a new one. - Yeah.
- Don't you think you should turn it off? - I better turn this off.
- Oh! - god.
Wendy wheelchair?
Hello?
What?
- You're in the closet? - ( Pounding )
Hang on.
Uh...
Who the hell is she?
Wendy wheelchair.
Who is she?
Denise handicap.
- You son of a bitch. - Prick.
- How dare you!? - Oh!
( Playing classical music )
( Shouting, clamoring )
It's not my fault.
- ( Glass breaks ) - Denise: Bastard.
- Get over here. - Larry, get back here.
- You coward. - Can you believe this?
- Running up the stairs. - It was an honest mistake.
We may be disabled, but you're disgusting.
Ladies ladies, it's all right.
I'll take it from here.
Get back here, Larry.
You get back here!
- ( Bodies crash ) - ( Larry groans )
( Theme music playing )