1 00:00:06,667 --> 00:00:08,667 ( Theme music playing ) 2 00:00:13,533 --> 00:00:16,100 Leon: Somebody need to talk to the man, you know what I mean? 3 00:00:16,133 --> 00:00:19,400 I'm so happy you called me. He's just moping around? 4 00:00:19,433 --> 00:00:21,109 I mean, we all are really worried about him, man. 5 00:00:21,133 --> 00:00:23,433 This Cheryl thing's got him crazy. 6 00:00:23,467 --> 00:00:25,533 This Cheryl thing's got him twisted, man, for real. 7 00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:28,433 He's up there moping, man. Mopy dick, that's what he is. 8 00:00:28,467 --> 00:00:30,467 - Moby dick. - No, mopy dick. 9 00:00:30,500 --> 00:00:33,200 - No, it's called Moby dick. - Who's fucking Moby dick? 10 00:00:33,233 --> 00:00:35,333 "Moby dick" is the book by melville. 11 00:00:35,367 --> 00:00:37,143 - Who's fucking Moby dick? - Where did you hear Moby dick from? 12 00:00:37,167 --> 00:00:38,509 Mopy dick, man. His dick is moping. 13 00:00:38,533 --> 00:00:40,800 - Oh, literally mopy dick? - Yeah, mopy dick. 14 00:00:40,833 --> 00:00:43,767 Okay, let's go up and get his mopy-ass dick out of bed. 15 00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:45,767 - Let's go. - I like the way you operate, man. 16 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:48,833 You know what I mean? You're straightforward. I like that shit. 17 00:00:48,867 --> 00:00:50,267 ( Knocks on door ) 18 00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:51,967 - What? - ( door opens ) 19 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:54,233 - Jeff: Gotta come in? - Leon: Coming in, man. 20 00:00:56,300 --> 00:00:58,400 - Hey, what's going on? - I don't know. 21 00:00:58,433 --> 00:01:01,100 I fucked up my life. 22 00:01:01,133 --> 00:01:03,867 - How did you fuck up your life? What did you do? - With Cheryl. 23 00:01:03,900 --> 00:01:05,867 - Oh, Cheryl. - Oh, man, this Cheryl shit again. 24 00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:07,133 Come on, man. 25 00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:10,300 The stupid call from the plane... I didn't... 26 00:01:10,333 --> 00:01:11,900 You were busy with the TiVo guy. 27 00:01:11,933 --> 00:01:15,100 Busy with the TiVo guy. Yeah, I was busy with the TiVo guy. 28 00:01:15,133 --> 00:01:17,176 Leon: Your brain is all fucking discombobulated, man. 29 00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:18,667 You need to focus on some ass. 30 00:01:18,700 --> 00:01:20,700 I'm just never gonna meet anybody like her again, 31 00:01:20,733 --> 00:01:22,367 ever ever. 32 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:25,167 I'm not disputing that, but you've got to meet somebody else. 33 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,900 - You've got to move on. - There's nobody that compares to her. 34 00:01:27,933 --> 00:01:29,800 I can't even imagine being with anybody else. 35 00:01:29,833 --> 00:01:32,133 Listen, man, you've got to get out there and do stuff. 36 00:01:32,167 --> 00:01:34,400 Get down there and get breakfast. What are you doing? 37 00:01:34,433 --> 00:01:36,900 Is she going to Sammie's bat mitzvah? 38 00:01:36,933 --> 00:01:38,409 Yeah, she's coming to the bat mitzvah. 39 00:01:38,433 --> 00:01:40,433 She's bringing that guy too. 40 00:01:42,267 --> 00:01:45,367 What do you want me to do? We didn't pick sides. 41 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:47,767 I can't believe I've got to see her with this guy 42 00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:49,909 - at Sammie's bat mitzvah. - Well, who are you gonna bring? 43 00:01:49,933 --> 00:01:51,743 Nobody. Both: You've got to bring somebody. 44 00:01:51,767 --> 00:01:54,167 Bring somebody? Who am I gonna bring? 45 00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:56,633 You're not gonna find her here, lying like this. Come on. 46 00:01:56,667 --> 00:01:58,367 Yeah, you gotta find somebody, man. 47 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:00,733 - I'm not a good dater. I can't date. - Why can't you date? 48 00:02:00,767 --> 00:02:03,300 You're not comfortable in your Larry shell right now. 49 00:02:03,333 --> 00:02:05,567 You've got to become another motherfucker right now. 50 00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:07,733 Larry, grow a mustache, man. Grow a goatee, 51 00:02:07,767 --> 00:02:10,400 a mustache, grow sideburns. Become another motherfucker, man. 52 00:02:10,433 --> 00:02:12,800 - You feel me? - It's not bad advice. 53 00:02:12,833 --> 00:02:15,900 It's not bad advice. But anything to get your ass out of bed. 54 00:02:15,933 --> 00:02:17,900 Get your ass out of... wh...? 55 00:02:17,933 --> 00:02:19,433 - What was that? - What are you doing? 56 00:02:19,467 --> 00:02:21,333 You've got bedbugs? What's going on? 57 00:02:21,367 --> 00:02:23,500 Oh, nothing. Just a little uncomfortable. 58 00:02:23,533 --> 00:02:26,800 - Listen, I did my part. Get your ass up. - Okay, thanks. 59 00:02:26,833 --> 00:02:28,743 - I've got to go to work, all right? - Thanks, yeah. 60 00:02:28,767 --> 00:02:30,933 - I'll see you later. - Good work, man. 61 00:02:30,967 --> 00:02:34,133 Hey, I'll get him up. Hey, man, let's roll, l.D. 62 00:02:34,167 --> 00:02:37,567 Come on downstairs, man. The family wants to talk to you a little bit. 63 00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:40,367 - All right, I'm turning over a new leaf. - Yeah, come on downstairs. 64 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:42,509 - That's it. No more of this shit. - We want to talk to you. 65 00:02:42,533 --> 00:02:44,809 - Okay, no more. - Yeah, get out. Let's get your shit together. 66 00:02:44,833 --> 00:02:46,809 - I'm getting it together. - Yeah, think about that beard shit. 67 00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:48,276 - Okay, all right. - Think about that mustache. 68 00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:50,533 ( Chattering, laughing ) 69 00:02:50,567 --> 00:02:52,533 Look who I found. 70 00:02:52,567 --> 00:02:54,400 - Hey. - Hey, l.D.! 71 00:02:54,433 --> 00:02:56,133 - How are you doing? - Auntie rae: Yeah. 72 00:02:56,167 --> 00:02:58,567 - Eh, I think okay. I think I'll be all right. - Good. 73 00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,067 - I'm fine. - Good. 74 00:03:00,100 --> 00:03:01,733 You know what? My mind is made up. 75 00:03:01,767 --> 00:03:04,500 - I am forgetting about her as of now. - Okay. 76 00:03:04,533 --> 00:03:06,867 - That's what I'm talking about. - As of now. 77 00:03:06,900 --> 00:03:09,533 - L.d., you're gonna be fine, trust me. - Leon: It's a new day. 78 00:03:09,567 --> 00:03:11,533 He'll be the last man standing. 79 00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:14,100 So what's going on? What do you want to talk to me about? 80 00:03:14,133 --> 00:03:15,467 Loretta, you want to...? 81 00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:17,800 Um, our house is ready 82 00:03:17,833 --> 00:03:20,700 and we're gonna go home. 83 00:03:22,333 --> 00:03:24,533 Yeah yeah. The lady called today. 84 00:03:24,567 --> 00:03:26,467 - We're out for real. - Auntie rae: We are. 85 00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:28,500 - We're not kidding you. We're out. - No, for real. 86 00:03:28,533 --> 00:03:30,243 - He's speechless. I can't believe it. - Well... 87 00:03:30,267 --> 00:03:32,533 - I am speechless. - ( All laughing ) 88 00:03:32,567 --> 00:03:34,433 - You too? - I'm out of here too. 89 00:03:34,467 --> 00:03:37,066 I've got a little boo down there I'ma holla at. 90 00:03:37,067 --> 00:03:39,933 I know it looked like we weren't gonna ever get out of here, though, 91 00:03:39,967 --> 00:03:42,167 - but... - well... 92 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:44,133 - You gotta go... you gotta go. - Yeah. 93 00:03:44,167 --> 00:03:45,609 - We're gonna miss you, though. - We are. 94 00:03:45,633 --> 00:03:47,333 You can always come visit now. 95 00:03:47,367 --> 00:03:49,800 - Eh, let's not go crazy. - ( Chattering, laughing ) 96 00:03:49,833 --> 00:03:51,933 - My gerbil's gone. - Loretta: What? 97 00:03:51,967 --> 00:03:55,066 - My gerbil's gone. - Auntie rae: What do you mean your gerbil's gone? 98 00:03:55,067 --> 00:03:57,200 Well, come on. Let's go find it. 99 00:03:57,233 --> 00:03:59,167 - Chill out. We're cool. - Chill out? 100 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:02,400 There's a gerbil running amok in my house. Come on, help me find it. 101 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:07,267 Antoinette: Okay, thank you. ( Hangs up ) 102 00:04:07,300 --> 00:04:09,066 - Hey, Larry. - Yeah. 103 00:04:09,067 --> 00:04:11,700 - The building manager just called. - Yeah? 104 00:04:11,733 --> 00:04:14,500 In the next few days somebody's gonna come 105 00:04:14,533 --> 00:04:16,500 and look at that office across from you. 106 00:04:16,533 --> 00:04:18,800 - Are you kidding? - No. 107 00:04:18,833 --> 00:04:21,900 Oh, I dreaded this day. I don't want anybody 108 00:04:21,933 --> 00:04:23,500 moving in across the hall. 109 00:04:23,533 --> 00:04:25,733 You know, we have privacy here. 110 00:04:25,767 --> 00:04:27,600 I know. Larry, there's nothing I can do. 111 00:04:27,633 --> 00:04:29,733 We're not gonna have control of the thermostat. 112 00:04:29,767 --> 00:04:31,743 - That's right, it's in there. - Yeah, it's in there. 113 00:04:31,767 --> 00:04:33,200 Why don't we take that office then? 114 00:04:33,233 --> 00:04:35,667 I'm not gonna pay for an office I'm not using. 115 00:04:35,700 --> 00:04:38,167 Well, somebody's gonna take it if you don't take it. 116 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,600 How do you stop somebody from renting it? 117 00:04:40,633 --> 00:04:42,700 That's what I want to know. 118 00:04:42,733 --> 00:04:45,567 How are you? 119 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:48,100 - You know, I feel a little better today. - Do you? 120 00:04:48,133 --> 00:04:49,909 - I've been pretty depressed. - You seem better. You look good. 121 00:04:49,933 --> 00:04:52,167 Yeah, I feel better. I'm feeling like I'm ready, 122 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:54,467 but I hate being single. I just hate it. 123 00:04:54,500 --> 00:04:56,800 - I know, Larry. I'm sorry. - I want to meet somebody. 124 00:04:56,833 --> 00:05:00,200 I swear to god, I can get married again in a month if I could. 125 00:05:00,233 --> 00:05:03,733 Oh, Larry. Larry David, you are a romantic. 126 00:05:03,767 --> 00:05:05,667 Am I? Do you think I am? 127 00:05:05,700 --> 00:05:07,900 Oh, I forgot. Matt tessler called and said, 128 00:05:07,933 --> 00:05:09,876 "hey, I'm in the building. I thought I'd drop by." 129 00:05:09,900 --> 00:05:12,267 - He's in the building? - Yeah. 130 00:05:12,300 --> 00:05:14,233 He said he knows you, "Seinfeld" days. 131 00:05:14,267 --> 00:05:16,533 Yeah, he directed four "seinfelds." 132 00:05:16,567 --> 00:05:18,443 He was terrible, though. He was a terrible director. 133 00:05:18,467 --> 00:05:20,267 - Oh, I remember Matt. - What does he want? 134 00:05:20,300 --> 00:05:23,567 Lewis is doing a pilot now, and I'll bet he wants me to recommend him. 135 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:26,600 - You know, he's got the son... - Oh my gosh, that's right. 136 00:05:26,633 --> 00:05:28,500 Who's got the muscular issues. 137 00:05:28,533 --> 00:05:29,800 M.s. or m.D. Or...? 138 00:05:29,833 --> 00:05:32,100 I don't know. There's something. 139 00:05:32,133 --> 00:05:33,733 I could say that you had to leave, 140 00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:35,733 - you had an important meeting. - Eh... 141 00:05:35,767 --> 00:05:39,233 - Larry David. Larry David, how ya doing? - Hey, Matt tessler! 142 00:05:39,267 --> 00:05:41,900 - We were just talking about you. - Good to see you. 143 00:05:41,933 --> 00:05:44,767 Hey, Matt, what's going on? Nice to see you. How are you? 144 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:46,800 - You're well? You look good. - Yeah. 145 00:05:46,833 --> 00:05:49,133 - You look pretty good yourself. - Oh, thanks, thanks. 146 00:05:49,167 --> 00:05:51,400 - Yeah, I'm doing okay, doing okay. - Look at this. 147 00:05:51,433 --> 00:05:53,200 - Working my ass off, yeah. - Nice. 148 00:05:53,233 --> 00:05:55,200 I'm just, you know... I'm kind of stuck 149 00:05:55,233 --> 00:05:57,767 - in a dramedy ghetto. - Really? 150 00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:00,533 Well, I did the cancer scare episode of "home improvement," 151 00:06:00,567 --> 00:06:04,333 - so I got typed as this guy who does ticker. - Oh, jeez. 152 00:06:04,367 --> 00:06:06,333 Now they want me to do all the teardrop stuff. 153 00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:08,733 I want to get back to the funny, to the shtoomy. 154 00:06:08,767 --> 00:06:11,667 - The shtoomy, yeah. - Are you and Richard Lewis still tight? 155 00:06:11,700 --> 00:06:15,333 - Is there any way you can just give him a...? - I'm really not... 156 00:06:15,367 --> 00:06:17,533 - You're not tight anymore? - Not really tight. 157 00:06:17,567 --> 00:06:19,800 'Cause they're floating my name to direct his pilot 158 00:06:19,833 --> 00:06:21,400 and I just would love to be in on that. 159 00:06:21,433 --> 00:06:23,667 Well, if I run into him, I'll, you know... 160 00:06:23,700 --> 00:06:26,400 Yeah, if I had a recommendation from you, though, 161 00:06:26,433 --> 00:06:28,400 that would mean that I'd have a shot at this. 162 00:06:28,433 --> 00:06:31,467 The sitcom... you know, I'd come in at 9:00-10:00, 163 00:06:31,500 --> 00:06:34,066 - I'd get a chance to see my son in the morning... - It's a great... 164 00:06:34,067 --> 00:06:36,667 I'd get a chance to see him at night. So anything you could do 165 00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:40,067 to recommend me to Richard would be just great. 166 00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:43,267 Yeah, I'll... I'll recommend you. 167 00:06:43,300 --> 00:06:45,200 - Bless your heart. Bless your heart. - Yeah. 168 00:06:45,233 --> 00:06:48,433 Hey, Larry, do you still have that tickle in your anus? 169 00:06:48,467 --> 00:06:50,633 I cannot get you an appointment for two weeks. 170 00:06:50,667 --> 00:06:53,067 What? 171 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:56,800 Are you experiencing discomfort? 172 00:06:56,833 --> 00:07:00,467 Tickle in my... what is she talking about? What are you talking about? 173 00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:02,576 - Where did you get that from? - That's nothing to joke around about. 174 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:04,876 - Who were you trying to get an appointment with? - Rosenberg. 175 00:07:04,900 --> 00:07:06,376 Rosenberg is a good man. I've got a better one. 176 00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:07,767 ( Clicks finger ) pencil. 177 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,267 Call this man... Dr. Jay Whitney. 178 00:07:10,300 --> 00:07:13,667 My wife's cousin Kai... She runs the office. 179 00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:16,167 - Oh, she does? - She can open all the doors, 180 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,133 and not just the back one, you know what I mean? 181 00:07:18,167 --> 00:07:19,867 Seriously, she can get you in today. 182 00:07:19,900 --> 00:07:21,509 Yeah. You don't have to think about it. 183 00:07:21,533 --> 00:07:23,933 It's nice of you, but there's really nothing wrong. 184 00:07:23,967 --> 00:07:25,900 Why did you say I have a tickle in my anus? 185 00:07:25,933 --> 00:07:29,066 Are you fucking crazy, huh? A tickle in my anus? 186 00:07:29,067 --> 00:07:30,909 - She's just looking out for you. - Why did you say that? 187 00:07:30,933 --> 00:07:32,276 I don't have a tickle. Who said that? 188 00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:34,066 Look, I gotta go. I gotta go. 189 00:07:34,067 --> 00:07:36,027 Look, I think I've given you the wrong impression. 190 00:07:36,067 --> 00:07:38,900 - Larry's anus is fine. - Shut the fuck up, okay? 191 00:07:38,933 --> 00:07:40,800 Shut the fuck up! Sorry. 192 00:07:40,833 --> 00:07:43,233 All I'm saying is, don't take any chances here, okay? 193 00:07:43,267 --> 00:07:45,200 - This is serious, all right? - Yeah, no. 194 00:07:45,233 --> 00:07:47,043 - Good, 'cause I care about you... - yeah, thanks. 195 00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:48,867 - Not just 'cause... - Good to see you. 196 00:07:48,900 --> 00:07:50,576 - And you. - I'm gonna call Richie right now. 197 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,300 - Thanks, ant... - Antoinette. 198 00:07:52,333 --> 00:07:53,933 - Yeah. - I'll take care of that. 199 00:07:53,967 --> 00:07:56,733 - Okay, thank you, Larry. Thanks so much. - Okay. 200 00:08:00,833 --> 00:08:02,800 Hi, it's Richard. Leave a message. 201 00:08:02,833 --> 00:08:04,867 - ( Machine beeps ) - hey, Richard, it's Larry. 202 00:08:04,900 --> 00:08:06,867 Matt tessler just asked me 203 00:08:06,900 --> 00:08:08,767 to recommend him for your pilot... 204 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:11,167 ( Slowly ) So this is me calling 205 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,433 to recommend... 206 00:08:13,467 --> 00:08:15,500 "recommend" him. 207 00:08:15,533 --> 00:08:18,333 So in case he ever asks you 208 00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:21,633 if I recommended him, you can tell him 209 00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:23,967 that in fact I did 210 00:08:24,067 --> 00:08:27,066 recommend him. 211 00:08:27,067 --> 00:08:28,933 All right, I'll talk to you later. 212 00:08:32,267 --> 00:08:34,233 - Hi. - Hi. 213 00:08:34,267 --> 00:08:36,533 Just sign in, please, and have a seat. 214 00:08:36,567 --> 00:08:38,200 Shouldn't be too long. 215 00:08:38,233 --> 00:08:40,667 I have a little problem with this... 216 00:08:40,700 --> 00:08:44,333 ( chuckles ) these sign-in sheets, you know. 217 00:08:44,367 --> 00:08:46,867 My name's right out in the open here. 218 00:08:46,900 --> 00:08:50,067 It's a bit of a privacy issue. 219 00:08:50,100 --> 00:08:52,767 There's no shame in having to come 220 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,600 to the gastroenterologist's office. 221 00:08:54,633 --> 00:08:56,500 It's a little embarrassing maybe, you know. 222 00:08:56,533 --> 00:08:58,733 We could just put a sign up on the wall saying, 223 00:08:58,767 --> 00:09:01,867 "Larry David was here." Why don't we do that? 224 00:09:01,900 --> 00:09:03,533 You know, I have to tell you 225 00:09:03,567 --> 00:09:04,967 I've worked here for four years 226 00:09:05,067 --> 00:09:06,700 and I've never had anyone come in 227 00:09:06,733 --> 00:09:09,267 and, like, cruise the list of patient names 228 00:09:09,300 --> 00:09:10,900 for any reason. 229 00:09:10,933 --> 00:09:14,233 What if you are in charge of this, okay, 230 00:09:14,267 --> 00:09:15,967 so this is down here? You keep that. 231 00:09:16,067 --> 00:09:17,633 I don't like that. First of all, 232 00:09:17,667 --> 00:09:19,400 I only get paid $9 an hour, 233 00:09:19,433 --> 00:09:21,633 so it's a little more responsibility than I'm used to, 234 00:09:21,667 --> 00:09:23,100 to keep track of patients. 235 00:09:23,133 --> 00:09:25,300 Second of all, I can't even make decisions. 236 00:09:25,333 --> 00:09:26,909 You have to take it up with the home office. 237 00:09:26,933 --> 00:09:29,133 I would like to take it up with the home office. 238 00:09:29,167 --> 00:09:32,109 - See, you didn't think I was gonna take you up on that. - No, I did think you were. 239 00:09:32,133 --> 00:09:35,100 You strike me as a high... - well, things like this interest me. 240 00:09:35,133 --> 00:09:38,533 I'm not an inventor, but I'm an improver. 241 00:09:38,567 --> 00:09:40,467 I improve things that are broken. 242 00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:42,133 This is broken. This system is broken. 243 00:09:42,167 --> 00:09:43,800 I'd like to improve it. 244 00:09:43,833 --> 00:09:46,500 Great. I'm assuming you're a new patient, 245 00:09:46,533 --> 00:09:48,233 'cause I think I would have remembered you. 246 00:09:48,267 --> 00:09:50,500 - So please fill that out. - Okay. 247 00:09:54,267 --> 00:09:57,066 ( Chuckles ) what would you do if I sat there, huh? 248 00:09:57,067 --> 00:10:00,067 You'd be a little freaked out if I sat there, wouldn't you, honestly? 249 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:03,067 - A little bit. A little bit. - I think a lot. 250 00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:05,100 Yeah, that's a little creepy. ( Chuckles ) 251 00:10:05,133 --> 00:10:06,333 What are you reading? 252 00:10:06,367 --> 00:10:08,667 It is called "showbiz insider." 253 00:10:08,700 --> 00:10:11,367 - Really? - I like to feel like an insider when... 254 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:14,567 - Pretty heady stuff. Wow. - Yes, very heady stuff. 255 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:16,733 Many are called. Few are chosen. 256 00:10:16,767 --> 00:10:19,167 You must be very very bright. 257 00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,333 Yes. 258 00:10:21,367 --> 00:10:23,533 Where are you from, New York? 259 00:10:23,567 --> 00:10:25,533 - I'm picking up an accent. - Yeah. 260 00:10:25,567 --> 00:10:27,767 Yeah. You from New York? 261 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:29,200 Yeah. 262 00:10:30,900 --> 00:10:33,000 But I'm not a Jew, if that's what you're thinking. 263 00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:36,567 ( Laughs ) - 'cause I saw your wheels spinning. 264 00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:40,367 That's uncanny. It's like there's a window into my soul 265 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:41,933 and you can just really read me. 266 00:10:41,967 --> 00:10:43,733 I read you loud and clear, sister. 267 00:10:43,767 --> 00:10:46,233 - Yes. - Yeah. 268 00:10:46,267 --> 00:10:47,909 Are you okay, by the way? Do you have any... 269 00:10:47,933 --> 00:10:50,733 You have some terrible medical problem that brought you here? 270 00:10:50,767 --> 00:10:53,167 I'm fine. A checkup. 271 00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:56,100 - A checkup? - Mmm. 272 00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:58,533 Hmm, really? 273 00:10:58,567 --> 00:11:00,300 You? 274 00:11:00,333 --> 00:11:01,933 - A checkup. - Really? 275 00:11:01,967 --> 00:11:04,200 - Yeah. - Huh. 276 00:11:04,233 --> 00:11:06,633 - How about that? - Let me ask you a question: 277 00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:08,567 Did you ever go out with a bald guy? 278 00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:10,800 ( Laughs ) yeah. 279 00:11:10,833 --> 00:11:12,300 How did you find it? 280 00:11:12,333 --> 00:11:13,967 It was magical. 281 00:11:14,067 --> 00:11:16,067 - Yeah? See? - Yes. 282 00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:19,233 How am I doing on the flirt so far? 283 00:11:19,267 --> 00:11:21,233 - How would you assess it? - Um... 284 00:11:21,267 --> 00:11:23,767 - Pretty good? - I'm... well, 7.5. 285 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,600 - 7.5? really? - 7.5, yeah. 286 00:11:25,633 --> 00:11:28,100 - You're tough. - Larry David? 287 00:11:28,133 --> 00:11:29,500 - You're up. - All right. 288 00:11:29,533 --> 00:11:31,733 Well, they have called for me. 289 00:11:31,767 --> 00:11:33,200 Larry? 290 00:11:33,233 --> 00:11:36,400 I guess I'll go in for my checkup. 291 00:11:37,500 --> 00:11:40,066 - A checkup. - Nice talking to you. 292 00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:41,633 Good luck. 293 00:11:43,267 --> 00:11:44,833 So long. 294 00:11:47,067 --> 00:11:49,066 Hello, Mr. David. How are you? 295 00:11:49,067 --> 00:11:51,267 - Good. - Good. All right. 296 00:11:51,300 --> 00:11:53,867 Oh, you know my cousin, Matt tessler. 297 00:11:53,900 --> 00:11:55,400 Oh, Matt's your cousin? Oh, yeah. 298 00:11:55,433 --> 00:11:57,333 Oh, right. Oh, thank you for this... 299 00:11:57,367 --> 00:11:58,900 Yeah, sure sure sure. 300 00:11:58,933 --> 00:12:01,067 So let me ask you, Mr. David, 301 00:12:01,100 --> 00:12:02,900 why are you here to see the doctor? 302 00:12:02,933 --> 00:12:05,533 Um... 303 00:12:05,567 --> 00:12:07,933 I'd just as soon tell the doctor. 304 00:12:07,967 --> 00:12:10,467 It's okay. I've got to take all of the information first 305 00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:13,143 and I give it to the doctor. So why don't you tell me the reason you're here? 306 00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:15,100 I know, but if the doctor's gonna come in here, 307 00:12:15,133 --> 00:12:17,200 why not just tell the doctor? I don't see why 308 00:12:17,233 --> 00:12:19,600 I need to tell you and... then you have to tell the doctor. 309 00:12:19,633 --> 00:12:22,100 Well... - why not just tell him directly? 310 00:12:22,133 --> 00:12:24,176 I'm going to New York. Why am I stopping off in Florida? 311 00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:26,933 Mm-hmm. Our policy is that I take the information down first 312 00:12:26,967 --> 00:12:29,367 and I give it to him. He'll come in and go over this. 313 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,167 So he'll have it all written down. 314 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:32,909 He won't have to go through all of the questions again. 315 00:12:32,933 --> 00:12:35,133 - This whole thing is askew, your system. - Mm-hmm. 316 00:12:35,167 --> 00:12:37,543 The doctor should be in here right now. We could be saving time. 317 00:12:37,567 --> 00:12:39,276 He's got other patients that he's dealing with, 318 00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:42,200 so what I'm here... I pretty much cut the time in half with him. 319 00:12:42,233 --> 00:12:44,567 Cut the time in half? So you intercept him in the hall? 320 00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:46,400 He's gonna get the information and then what, 321 00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,500 run to the Internet to look it up? No. 322 00:12:48,533 --> 00:12:51,409 - He's gonna hear it from you. - The doctors and the nurses work hand in hand. 323 00:12:51,433 --> 00:12:53,676 I just need the information. If you could just give it to me... 324 00:12:53,700 --> 00:12:55,933 I'm not that comfortable telling you, frankly. 325 00:12:55,967 --> 00:12:57,733 I need to take it down before I can leave. 326 00:12:57,767 --> 00:13:01,433 Okay, I have a gerbil up my ass. 327 00:13:01,467 --> 00:13:04,467 That's my problem. 328 00:13:06,967 --> 00:13:09,700 How long has it been there? 329 00:13:09,733 --> 00:13:12,833 Two days. 330 00:13:14,633 --> 00:13:16,700 Okay, thank you. The doctor will be right with you. 331 00:13:16,733 --> 00:13:18,767 Fine. Happy? 332 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:23,600 - Man: Mr. David. - Hello, doctor. 333 00:13:23,633 --> 00:13:25,600 - Larry, nice to see you. - Okay. 334 00:13:25,633 --> 00:13:27,600 I was wondering if you could tell me 335 00:13:27,633 --> 00:13:30,167 what seems to be the problem. 336 00:13:44,267 --> 00:13:46,467 Hey, what happened... 337 00:13:46,500 --> 00:13:48,400 What happened to the sign-in sheet? 338 00:13:48,433 --> 00:13:50,733 Oh, I called our corporate headquarters 339 00:13:50,767 --> 00:13:52,567 off your suggestion and they loved it. 340 00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:55,133 - So there's a new policy. - What? 341 00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:57,100 It's private, just like you wanted. 342 00:13:57,133 --> 00:13:59,200 No no no, I don't want that. 343 00:13:59,233 --> 00:14:02,700 You're listening to me? I don't know what I'm talking about. 344 00:14:02,733 --> 00:14:04,733 Put the sign-in sheet back on. 345 00:14:04,767 --> 00:14:06,933 - I can't. No. - What? 346 00:14:06,967 --> 00:14:08,500 You can't see this now. 347 00:14:11,367 --> 00:14:13,533 First of all, I've got to tell you something, 348 00:14:13,567 --> 00:14:15,533 - okay? - Yes. 349 00:14:15,567 --> 00:14:17,533 I want to apologize 350 00:14:17,567 --> 00:14:19,767 for the way I behaved earlier. 351 00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:21,767 Mr. David, 352 00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:24,167 you don't have to play games with me. 353 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:25,733 - I don't? - No. 354 00:14:25,767 --> 00:14:28,500 Are you looking for Christopher? 355 00:14:28,533 --> 00:14:30,200 No. 356 00:14:30,233 --> 00:14:32,767 - Andrew? - Keep going. 357 00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:33,933 Paula? 358 00:14:33,967 --> 00:14:35,633 Aha. 359 00:14:35,667 --> 00:14:38,267 - You cannot tell. I could get fired. - No no no, never. 360 00:14:38,300 --> 00:14:40,767 - No no no no. - I have no formal education. 361 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:42,867 - No no no no no. - Okay. 362 00:14:42,900 --> 00:14:45,367 Be careful. 363 00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:47,467 - Thank you. - She looks like a live wire. 364 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:51,767 - Jeff: You called her? - Larry: Yeah. 365 00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:54,233 So where are you going to take her on a date? 366 00:14:54,267 --> 00:14:55,776 I'm gonna take her to the movies maybe. 367 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:57,767 That's great. 368 00:14:57,800 --> 00:14:59,733 The question is, why was she at that... 369 00:14:59,767 --> 00:15:01,833 What kind of doctor was that again? 370 00:15:01,867 --> 00:15:04,043 - Mm, gastroenterologist. - So what was she doing there? 371 00:15:04,067 --> 00:15:05,433 - That's the question. - Oh my god. 372 00:15:05,467 --> 00:15:07,067 Why was she there? I don't know. 373 00:15:07,100 --> 00:15:09,067 I hope she doesn't have the same thing I do. 374 00:15:09,100 --> 00:15:11,100 Well, that's a good thing. It'll go away. 375 00:15:11,133 --> 00:15:12,667 Yeah. 376 00:15:12,700 --> 00:15:14,200 Let me ask you a question: 377 00:15:14,233 --> 00:15:16,767 How much will you give me to start gargling now? 378 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:18,933 - 50 bucks. - You'll give me 50 bucks? 379 00:15:18,967 --> 00:15:20,600 - 50 bucks. - Take it out of your pocket. 380 00:15:20,633 --> 00:15:22,700 Mm-hmm. Mmm. 381 00:15:22,733 --> 00:15:25,067 Just do it. What, you don't trust me? 382 00:15:25,100 --> 00:15:27,300 ( Gargles ) 383 00:15:27,333 --> 00:15:30,200 ( Laughs ) there you go. 384 00:15:31,767 --> 00:15:33,807 - I just got 50 bucks. - No, now that doesn't count. 385 00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:35,843 - No, you can't do that. - No, what are you talking about? 386 00:15:35,867 --> 00:15:38,300 I would have paid that happily. It was so enjoyable. 387 00:15:38,333 --> 00:15:42,067 It was so enjoyable and you ruined it with "I just got 50 bucks." 388 00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:44,700 Let me ask you a question: Tessler's still one of your clients? 389 00:15:44,733 --> 00:15:47,067 Yeah. He's coming to the bat mitzvah. 390 00:15:47,100 --> 00:15:48,876 You know who else is coming to the bat mitzvah? 391 00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:50,500 My newest client John legend. 392 00:15:50,533 --> 00:15:53,300 He's a huge R&B singer. 393 00:15:53,333 --> 00:15:54,833 I have no idea who this guy is. 394 00:15:54,867 --> 00:15:56,833 - Do you know who anyone is? - No. 395 00:15:56,867 --> 00:16:00,367 When was the last time you bought an album? - 1972? 396 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:02,933 - '72? So you know no one. - No, I know nothing. 397 00:16:02,967 --> 00:16:05,333 Anyhow, he's my client now. He's coming 398 00:16:05,367 --> 00:16:07,733 to the bat mitzvah. He's gonna sing. 399 00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:10,067 Well, maybe I'll bring this woman. 400 00:16:10,100 --> 00:16:12,733 You know, if we get along tonight, I'm gonna ask her. 401 00:16:12,767 --> 00:16:15,143 'Cause you gotta bring somebody. Cheryl's coming with that guy. 402 00:16:15,167 --> 00:16:17,043 - You gotta be there with somebody. - Absolutely. 403 00:16:17,067 --> 00:16:18,967 Why don't we double-date tonight? 404 00:16:19,067 --> 00:16:21,176 You know what? Susie and I were talking about going to the movies. 405 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:22,433 You're kidding. Let's do it. 406 00:16:22,467 --> 00:16:23,833 Perfect. I can check her out. 407 00:16:28,867 --> 00:16:30,867 Larry: I haven't dated in a while. Who pays? 408 00:16:30,900 --> 00:16:33,667 - You pay. - Don't be ridiculous. You pay. 409 00:16:33,700 --> 00:16:35,467 - I do? - Women: Yes, you pay. 410 00:16:35,500 --> 00:16:37,767 - Larry's not used to dating. - Clearly, yes. 411 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:40,233 - No, I haven't dated in a long time. - No, a long time. 412 00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:43,833 What do I do? Am I allowed to hold hands during the mo...? 413 00:16:43,867 --> 00:16:46,176 - Susie: I don't know if there's rules... - is there a rule? 414 00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:49,867 Excuse me. 415 00:16:49,900 --> 00:16:51,867 Thank you. 416 00:16:51,900 --> 00:16:54,067 Hi. 417 00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:58,300 One movie. 418 00:16:58,333 --> 00:17:00,433 Thank you. 419 00:17:04,667 --> 00:17:07,233 - Larry: Don't you want to sit on the aisle? - Women: No. 420 00:17:07,267 --> 00:17:09,567 - I was being nice. - Women: Center's better. 421 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:11,933 Center? Why? You think there's a big difference 422 00:17:11,967 --> 00:17:13,609 - over there from here? - Yes, this is good. 423 00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:15,733 Jeff: As long as a giant man doesn't sit 424 00:17:15,767 --> 00:17:17,967 - in front of me. - Susie: Or a giant woman. 425 00:17:19,067 --> 00:17:20,833 - Larry: Oh my god. - Paula: What? 426 00:17:20,867 --> 00:17:22,833 This guy. That's the guy 427 00:17:22,867 --> 00:17:25,167 who walked past the line to get his ticket before. 428 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:27,066 - Paula: Oh, yeah. - Pete! 429 00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:28,533 - Look at him. - I think it is. 430 00:17:28,567 --> 00:17:30,667 Oh my god. He was faking. 431 00:17:30,700 --> 00:17:32,167 - Are you kidding me? - No. 432 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:34,133 That's really good. 433 00:17:34,167 --> 00:17:36,066 - Oh my god. - Holy shit. 434 00:17:36,067 --> 00:17:37,933 I gotta take my hat off to him. 435 00:17:37,967 --> 00:17:40,433 I gotta tell ya, that's pretty good. 436 00:17:40,467 --> 00:17:42,667 ( Dramatic music playing ) 437 00:18:01,733 --> 00:18:02,900 Are you okay? 438 00:18:02,933 --> 00:18:04,800 Yeah, I'm fine. 439 00:18:04,833 --> 00:18:06,733 ( Whispering ) why? Why are you asking me that? 440 00:18:06,767 --> 00:18:08,800 ( Whispering ) no reason. 441 00:18:14,533 --> 00:18:16,500 Everything okay with you? 442 00:18:16,533 --> 00:18:18,500 Yeah, I'm fine. 443 00:18:18,533 --> 00:18:19,700 Are you sure? 444 00:18:19,733 --> 00:18:21,933 Yeah. Why shouldn't it be? 445 00:18:21,967 --> 00:18:23,933 It's just you're squirming a lot. 446 00:18:23,967 --> 00:18:25,333 You're squirming more than I am. 447 00:18:25,367 --> 00:18:26,700 Well, my seat is uncomfortable. 448 00:18:26,733 --> 00:18:28,400 Yeah, my seat's uncomfortable too. 449 00:18:28,433 --> 00:18:30,833 I know. We're in agreement. 450 00:18:30,867 --> 00:18:32,767 Why did you say you went 451 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:34,567 to that gastroenterologist's again? 452 00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:36,400 - I was there for a checkup. - A checkup? 453 00:18:36,433 --> 00:18:38,576 - Yes. Why do you keep asking me that? - I've never heard 454 00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:41,066 of anybody going to a gastroenterologist for a checkup. 455 00:18:41,067 --> 00:18:43,066 - Oh, really? - Yeah. 456 00:18:43,067 --> 00:18:45,066 That's what you were doing there. 457 00:18:45,067 --> 00:18:47,367 - Is that what I said? - Yes, that's what you said. 458 00:18:50,667 --> 00:18:53,567 Honestly, I'm just really kind of bored with this movie. 459 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:56,700 It's not so bad. 460 00:18:56,733 --> 00:18:59,467 I really want to go. Can we go? 461 00:18:59,500 --> 00:19:01,267 Please. 462 00:19:01,300 --> 00:19:03,267 Are you gonna drag me out of this movie 463 00:19:03,300 --> 00:19:05,066 with five minutes to go? That's insane. 464 00:19:05,067 --> 00:19:08,467 It's not five minutes. This is the world's worst film 465 00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:10,600 I've ever seen and I really want to go. 466 00:19:10,633 --> 00:19:12,433 Come on, five more minutes. 467 00:19:12,467 --> 00:19:15,600 What do you gain by staying? You don't care about this story. 468 00:19:15,633 --> 00:19:17,133 I finish things I start. 469 00:19:17,167 --> 00:19:18,700 Books... they could be 500 pages, 470 00:19:18,733 --> 00:19:20,776 once I start them, even if I hate it, I'll finish it. 471 00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:22,767 I have friends who I can't stand, 472 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:25,733 you know, for, like, 25 years. 473 00:19:25,767 --> 00:19:27,733 I'm still friends with them. 474 00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,533 Why? 475 00:19:29,567 --> 00:19:32,100 Because I stay to the end, till they're dead. 476 00:19:32,133 --> 00:19:34,400 I go down with the ship. That's what I do. 477 00:19:34,433 --> 00:19:36,376 I'm not even the captain, I'm going down with the ship. 478 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,233 That's how I want you to think about me: 479 00:19:38,267 --> 00:19:40,267 I'm the guy who keeps the captain company. 480 00:19:43,300 --> 00:19:45,600 I can't watch this. 481 00:19:47,500 --> 00:19:50,567 Excuse me. I'm sorry. 482 00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:52,633 - Where is she going? - I don't... 483 00:19:54,333 --> 00:19:57,066 - She was bored. - It's almost over. 484 00:19:57,067 --> 00:19:58,533 I know. I told her. 485 00:19:58,567 --> 00:20:00,200 It's five minutes to go. It's crazy. 486 00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:01,900 You'd better go out after her. 487 00:20:01,933 --> 00:20:04,033 - She's not gonna wait for you. - You don't expect 488 00:20:04,067 --> 00:20:06,343 somebody else to leave if you're walking out of the movie. 489 00:20:06,367 --> 00:20:09,467 - You don't understand women. - You don't understand etiquette. 490 00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:11,533 Susie: Fine. 491 00:20:26,533 --> 00:20:29,133 - Where is she? - She's not here. 492 00:20:29,167 --> 00:20:31,267 - Are you surprised? - Can you believe it? 493 00:20:31,300 --> 00:20:33,533 - Yeah, that's rude. - I told you she was gonna leave. 494 00:20:33,567 --> 00:20:35,576 - That was completely rude, unbelievable. - By the way, 495 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:37,609 I timed it. There were six minutes left in that movie. 496 00:20:37,633 --> 00:20:40,267 Irrelevant, Larry. She was not gonna wait for you. 497 00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:42,700 I invested an hour and a half. I'm supposed to leave 498 00:20:42,733 --> 00:20:44,976 - with six minutes to go? - The last six minutes. That's craziness. 499 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,333 So, fine. You were right and now you're alone. 500 00:20:47,367 --> 00:20:50,933 Yeah, well, she has a tickle in her anus anyway. 501 00:20:50,967 --> 00:20:53,943 - She has a tickle in her anus? - I think so. She was squirming in her seat. 502 00:20:53,967 --> 00:20:55,300 I don't wanna hear it. Let's go. 503 00:20:55,333 --> 00:20:57,133 You know what? That movie stunk, by the way. 504 00:20:57,167 --> 00:21:00,633 No, it was great. You're crazy. 505 00:21:00,667 --> 00:21:02,209 So you're not gonna go to the bat mitzvah? 506 00:21:02,233 --> 00:21:04,100 Eh, I don't want to go by myself. 507 00:21:04,133 --> 00:21:06,100 And Cheryl's gonna be there with this guy. 508 00:21:06,133 --> 00:21:07,933 So we'll get you a date... 509 00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:11,066 My next-door neighbor. She's a belly dancer. 510 00:21:11,067 --> 00:21:12,767 She also was in cirque du soleil. 511 00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:14,609 Yeah, that's the one with the nose rings, right? 512 00:21:14,633 --> 00:21:17,200 - She can take 'em out. - Then there's a hole in the nose. 513 00:21:17,233 --> 00:21:18,967 We'll just cover it with makeup. 514 00:21:19,067 --> 00:21:22,066 Blech! 515 00:21:22,067 --> 00:21:23,709 Do you want any coffee? I'm gonna go get coffee. 516 00:21:23,733 --> 00:21:25,767 No, I don't want anything. 517 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:29,100 Woman: This way. This is the one I was telling you that I think is just perfect. 518 00:21:29,133 --> 00:21:31,343 - Man: This is great. - Yeah, available the first of the month. 519 00:21:31,367 --> 00:21:33,207 All we need is your signature on the paperwork. 520 00:21:33,233 --> 00:21:35,733 - That's great. Two months upfront? - Upfront. 521 00:21:35,767 --> 00:21:38,133 - Two parking spaces. It's all yours. - How do you heat it? 522 00:21:38,167 --> 00:21:40,433 Oh, you've got your own thermostat right there, see? 523 00:21:40,467 --> 00:21:43,400 I've got to take this. Will you excuse me for one second? 524 00:21:43,433 --> 00:21:46,367 - I'll be right back. - Sure. Yeah, okay, good. 525 00:21:47,333 --> 00:21:48,767 Hi, I'm just... 526 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:50,933 Hello! 527 00:21:50,967 --> 00:21:53,667 - How are you? - I'm... I'm good. 528 00:21:53,700 --> 00:21:56,333 - Are you renting the office... - ( Stammering ) 529 00:21:56,367 --> 00:21:58,500 - next door? - You know, I'm thinking about it. 530 00:21:58,533 --> 00:22:02,567 That's very good. We'll be friends. 531 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:05,967 Well, you know, I'm looking at several places. 532 00:22:06,067 --> 00:22:08,209 - I should probably catch up... - We'll go to lunch together. 533 00:22:08,233 --> 00:22:10,167 - Yeah. - Every day, every day. 534 00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:12,700 - Every day. - Every day, lunch. 535 00:22:12,733 --> 00:22:14,933 Uh, listen, you're probably busy. 536 00:22:14,967 --> 00:22:16,600 No, I'm not. I have nothing to do here. 537 00:22:16,633 --> 00:22:18,833 I've got to find the office manager. Thank you. 538 00:22:18,867 --> 00:22:20,767 Goodbye. Bye. 539 00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:22,933 I hope you rent the office. 540 00:22:22,967 --> 00:22:25,400 Larry, wh...? 541 00:22:25,433 --> 00:22:27,533 - Oh, hey. - Am I interrupting something? 542 00:22:27,567 --> 00:22:29,066 No. 543 00:22:29,067 --> 00:22:31,066 I just came by to say thanks 544 00:22:31,067 --> 00:22:32,967 for the recommendation. I got the gig. 545 00:22:33,067 --> 00:22:34,667 - You got the job? - Yeah. 546 00:22:34,700 --> 00:22:37,133 What's this about? Is this supposed to be funny? 547 00:22:37,167 --> 00:22:38,500 No no no. 548 00:22:38,533 --> 00:22:40,933 Someone was gonna rent the office next door... 549 00:22:40,967 --> 00:22:43,533 This is how you welcome him? You use some humor? 550 00:22:43,567 --> 00:22:46,333 No no no, it was a test to see if he's a tolerant person. 551 00:22:46,367 --> 00:22:48,400 And anyone who's not is no neighbor of mine. 552 00:22:48,433 --> 00:22:50,309 I know somebody who wouldn't find this funny at all. 553 00:22:50,333 --> 00:22:53,200 He's a 10-year-old boy named Max and he lives in my house... 554 00:22:53,233 --> 00:22:55,400 - who's not gonna think that's so funny. - Oh, jeez. 555 00:22:55,433 --> 00:22:57,400 This is what you do? You sit on your ass 556 00:22:57,433 --> 00:22:59,433 - making fun of retarded people? - Oh, come on. 557 00:22:59,467 --> 00:23:01,343 - Un-fucking-believable. - I was just, you know... 558 00:23:01,367 --> 00:23:02,833 I'm really disappointed in you. 559 00:23:02,867 --> 00:23:05,066 I would rent an office to your son. 560 00:23:05,067 --> 00:23:07,467 My son has an office on the right hand of Jesus. 561 00:23:07,500 --> 00:23:10,067 Hey, you know what's really funny? 562 00:23:10,100 --> 00:23:13,267 A successful writer-producer who puts gerbils up his ass for fun. 563 00:23:13,300 --> 00:23:16,367 - What? What? - I talked to Kai. I talked to my cousin. 564 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:18,609 - That's why you had to see the doctor. - Oh, that's bullshit. 565 00:23:18,633 --> 00:23:20,643 - 'Cause you have gerbils in your ass. - I made that up, you moron. 566 00:23:20,667 --> 00:23:22,743 - Why would you make something like that up? - Because I didn't feel 567 00:23:22,767 --> 00:23:25,066 - like telling her what was wrong with me. - That doesn't make any sense. 568 00:23:25,067 --> 00:23:28,300 And you know what? I think a lot of people would get a kick out of this. 569 00:23:28,333 --> 00:23:30,333 I really do. Fuck you, Larry. 570 00:23:30,367 --> 00:23:32,133 Let's just try it out on the street. 571 00:23:32,167 --> 00:23:34,600 - Hey, no, I made that up. - Hey, wanna hear something funny? 572 00:23:34,633 --> 00:23:36,267 Hey, you wanna hear something funny? 573 00:23:42,167 --> 00:23:44,933 So sorry. Do we still have time to do it? 574 00:23:44,967 --> 00:23:46,800 - I'm sorry. - No. I'm late now. 575 00:23:46,833 --> 00:23:48,709 - It's too late for lunch? - It's too late for lunch 576 00:23:48,733 --> 00:23:50,267 and it's too late for my career 577 00:23:50,300 --> 00:23:51,967 and you fucked me with tessler. 578 00:23:52,067 --> 00:23:54,400 - He's not working out? - He sucks! 579 00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:56,600 - He doesn't know comedy. - I know that, I know. 580 00:23:56,633 --> 00:23:58,733 He should be selling fabrics. 581 00:23:58,767 --> 00:24:00,667 Why'd you hire him? 582 00:24:00,700 --> 00:24:02,633 How d...? You... 583 00:24:02,667 --> 00:24:04,700 My friend of 47 years... You recommended him. 584 00:24:04,733 --> 00:24:07,133 Oh, I recommended him? When I called you 585 00:24:07,167 --> 00:24:09,233 I told you that he asked me to recommend him... 586 00:24:09,267 --> 00:24:12,300 What...? -...So I'm "recommending" him. I put quotes around it. 587 00:24:12,333 --> 00:24:14,367 Why'd you "recommend" him, Mr. quotehead? 588 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:17,367 I thought that you would pick up that it was a non-recommend recommend. 589 00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:20,067 You know, life is very brief, okay? 590 00:24:20,100 --> 00:24:22,067 And you know I need a good series. 591 00:24:22,100 --> 00:24:25,300 - Is life too short? You think it's too short? - Yeah. 592 00:24:25,333 --> 00:24:28,367 - It's too short, isn't it? - Yeah, but now my life is fucking way short. 593 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:30,233 - I'm sorry. - You ruined my fucking pilot 594 00:24:30,267 --> 00:24:31,600 because of your recommendation. 595 00:24:31,633 --> 00:24:34,100 I can see if it came from a skinhead... 596 00:24:34,133 --> 00:24:36,100 Yeah. - ...Or one of Ben laden's people. 597 00:24:36,133 --> 00:24:38,066 You call him Ben laden or bin laden? 598 00:24:38,067 --> 00:24:39,733 I don't know. 599 00:24:39,767 --> 00:24:41,867 You called him Ben. That's almost like a Jewish name. 600 00:24:41,900 --> 00:24:43,733 That's true. Ben laden does sound 601 00:24:43,767 --> 00:24:45,643 - like a shirt-maker in Manhattan. - Yes, I know. 602 00:24:45,667 --> 00:24:47,667 "Let's go to Ben laden's. They got great collars." 603 00:24:47,700 --> 00:24:49,700 Exactly, yeah. Anyway, I'm... 604 00:24:49,733 --> 00:24:51,667 - No... - I'm sorry. 605 00:24:51,700 --> 00:24:53,900 Yeah, fine, fi... 606 00:24:55,067 --> 00:24:56,867 It's true, isn't it? 607 00:24:56,900 --> 00:24:59,900 - Holy shit. - What are you talking about? 608 00:25:00,067 --> 00:25:01,767 Did you stick a gerbil up your ass? 609 00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:04,176 - 'Cause the whole fucking town... - are you out of your mind? 610 00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:06,167 It's all over the set. It's everywhere. 611 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:08,167 - And I said... - Jesus, 612 00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:10,833 this tessler is spreading this rumor about me 613 00:25:10,867 --> 00:25:12,500 to get back at me. 614 00:25:12,533 --> 00:25:14,167 It's all over the fucking city now. 615 00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:16,066 It's gonna be on the Internet too. 616 00:25:16,067 --> 00:25:18,067 It's everywhere. It's everywhere. 617 00:25:19,500 --> 00:25:21,543 Jesus Christ, did you see the way that guy looked at me? 618 00:25:21,567 --> 00:25:23,567 I'm sure he probably read "gerbil" magazine 619 00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:25,767 and you're fucking on the cover. 620 00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:27,933 Holy shit. 621 00:25:27,967 --> 00:25:31,867 You know, I do have a tickle in my anus. 622 00:25:31,900 --> 00:25:33,867 Oh, really? 623 00:25:33,900 --> 00:25:36,200 - Yeah. - I gotta split. 624 00:25:40,067 --> 00:25:42,100 Hi, Carol. 625 00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:45,167 Carol, 626 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:47,100 it's not true. 627 00:25:47,133 --> 00:25:50,600 - ( Family chattering ) - Leon: Some crazy shit. 628 00:25:50,633 --> 00:25:52,600 - It's missing. And you hear this shit. - Leon! 629 00:25:52,633 --> 00:25:55,066 Leon, I don't really think he would do something like that. 630 00:25:55,067 --> 00:25:56,709 - I don't think... - You don't know, Loretta. 631 00:25:56,733 --> 00:25:59,066 Think about it. Look, the gerbil's missing, right? 632 00:25:59,067 --> 00:26:01,200 And then you hear this shit's going on. Come on now. 633 00:26:01,233 --> 00:26:03,376 ( Women exclaiming ) - add this shit up. Add this shit up. 634 00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:05,909 Here he comes now. What's going on, Larry? What's going on, Larry? 635 00:26:05,933 --> 00:26:08,333 The gerbil got on the elevator, hit "up" 636 00:26:08,367 --> 00:26:11,300 - and went up your asshole? Is that what happened? - Loretta: Leon! 637 00:26:11,333 --> 00:26:14,667 I can't believe that this thing has already gotten to this house, 638 00:26:14,700 --> 00:26:17,043 - that you would accuse me of that. - Larry, where's the gerbil? 639 00:26:17,067 --> 00:26:19,376 - I got your back, l.D. I don't think you did it. - Thank you. 640 00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:21,066 I didn't even want that thing in the house, 641 00:26:21,067 --> 00:26:23,300 - much less put it upy ass, okay? - Let him out, Larry. 642 00:26:23,333 --> 00:26:26,400 So, wait a minute. Are you saying you didn't do that? 643 00:26:26,433 --> 00:26:28,767 Absolutely. Of course not. Come on, that's insane. 644 00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:30,833 - ( Sighs ) - that's what I thought. 645 00:26:30,867 --> 00:26:32,676 I'm still sick about the fact that that thing is 646 00:26:32,700 --> 00:26:34,400 running around the house somewhere. 647 00:26:34,433 --> 00:26:36,833 - Leon: Yeah, all right. Whatever, man. - We're done packing. 648 00:26:36,867 --> 00:26:38,667 - Loretta: All right. - All right, sweetness. 649 00:26:38,700 --> 00:26:41,700 - Hey, y'all got everything together? - Yeah, we're done. 650 00:26:41,733 --> 00:26:44,500 - All right, that's good. - Leon: You ready to roll? 651 00:26:44,533 --> 00:26:47,633 Wow, this is really happening, isn't it? 652 00:26:47,667 --> 00:26:49,733 - Oh yeah, we're about ready to bounce. - Yeah. 653 00:26:49,767 --> 00:26:51,533 - When are you going? - Tomorrow. 654 00:26:51,567 --> 00:26:53,700 - Tomorrow? - Mm-hmm. 655 00:26:53,733 --> 00:26:56,700 ( Auntie rae chuckling ) can you believe it? 656 00:26:56,733 --> 00:26:59,333 - Leon: We're out of here, man. - Oh my god. 657 00:26:59,367 --> 00:27:03,066 - Wow. - Leon: It crept up on you, right? 658 00:27:03,067 --> 00:27:05,067 You're gonna miss us, Larry. 659 00:27:05,100 --> 00:27:06,743 Auntie rae: We're gonna miss you too, Larry. 660 00:27:06,767 --> 00:27:08,667 All right, don't get my waterworks going here. 661 00:27:08,700 --> 00:27:10,867 - You know how emotional I am. - All right, okay. 662 00:27:10,900 --> 00:27:13,066 Leon: We're gonna miss you, Larry. That's deep. 663 00:27:13,067 --> 00:27:16,567 Yeah. All right, I've got to get ready for a bat mitzvah. 664 00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:19,067 - What's that? - It's a Jewish ceremony, you know. 665 00:27:19,100 --> 00:27:20,600 - Oh. - It's a big party. 666 00:27:20,633 --> 00:27:22,733 You don't wanna go with me, do you? 667 00:27:22,767 --> 00:27:25,867 - You want me to go? - Yeah, come on. 668 00:27:25,900 --> 00:27:28,200 Sure, I'll go with you, l.D. 669 00:27:28,233 --> 00:27:29,933 - Beautiful. - Yeah. 670 00:27:29,967 --> 00:27:31,900 - A bat mitzvah. - Yeah. 671 00:27:31,933 --> 00:27:35,300 ( All chattering ) - my little girl is so perfect. 672 00:27:49,067 --> 00:27:51,667 - Thank you. How are you doing? - Naches to you. 673 00:27:51,700 --> 00:27:54,066 You saw the early rehearsals. When you left 674 00:27:54,067 --> 00:27:56,467 they had a run-through. The network stormed out. 675 00:27:56,500 --> 00:27:59,867 How in the fuck could my best friend recommend such an asshole? 676 00:27:59,900 --> 00:28:02,800 - Why didn't you say you didn't like him? - Any normal person 677 00:28:02,833 --> 00:28:04,643 would have picked up on what I was trying to say. 678 00:28:04,667 --> 00:28:06,667 Now I'm abnormal. Oh, now I'm not normal. 679 00:28:06,700 --> 00:28:08,667 Yeah, you are abnormal. 680 00:28:08,700 --> 00:28:10,967 You're the most abnormal, jerky nutcase 681 00:28:11,067 --> 00:28:12,833 I've ever met in my entire... 682 00:28:12,867 --> 00:28:15,433 - oh, you think you're more normal than me? - Fuckin'-a I am. 683 00:28:15,467 --> 00:28:17,476 I'll have a mental patient face-off with you any day. 684 00:28:17,500 --> 00:28:21,066 - Oh, really? - Hey, larr, did you stick a gerbil up your ass? 685 00:28:21,067 --> 00:28:23,209 - Who told you that? - I'm not gonna tell you who told me. 686 00:28:23,233 --> 00:28:25,576 - It's not important. - Of course I didn't stick a gerbil up my ass! 687 00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:27,900 - Don't get so upset. - I'm upset! 688 00:28:27,933 --> 00:28:29,667 - He's telling everyone. - Yeah, he sure is. 689 00:28:29,700 --> 00:28:31,833 - Woman: Oh my god. - ( Laughing ) 690 00:28:34,967 --> 00:28:37,933 ( Glass dinging ) 691 00:28:37,967 --> 00:28:40,567 On behalf of my wonderful wife susie 692 00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:43,067 and myself I want to welcome you. 693 00:28:43,100 --> 00:28:45,167 Thank you all so much for coming. 694 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:47,700 It means a lot to us, 695 00:28:47,733 --> 00:28:50,067 a lot to Sammie, 696 00:28:50,100 --> 00:28:54,066 I can tell you that. We're very proud of her. 697 00:28:54,067 --> 00:28:56,066 I don't want to embarrass her, 698 00:28:56,067 --> 00:28:58,066 so I'm gonna keep this short and just say 699 00:28:58,067 --> 00:29:00,100 thank you from the bottom of our hearts. 700 00:29:00,133 --> 00:29:02,600 What we're gonna do right now is open it up 701 00:29:02,633 --> 00:29:04,933 to anybody who'd like to say something, 702 00:29:04,967 --> 00:29:07,867 make a toast, whatever. Come on up. 703 00:29:07,900 --> 00:29:10,300 - Yeah, I'm gonna... - Both: Larry. 704 00:29:10,333 --> 00:29:13,567 - I'd like to say something. - All right. 705 00:29:15,600 --> 00:29:17,333 Hey. Um... 706 00:29:17,367 --> 00:29:21,200 Well, first of all, I'm so thrilled 707 00:29:21,233 --> 00:29:23,667 to be here at Sammie's bat mitzvah tonight. 708 00:29:23,700 --> 00:29:26,066 - Thank you, Larry. - This is a fantastic occasion. 709 00:29:26,067 --> 00:29:28,233 You know, I've known Sammie 710 00:29:28,267 --> 00:29:30,733 since she was born, actually. 711 00:29:30,767 --> 00:29:32,633 - I was in the hospital, remember? - Yeah. 712 00:29:32,667 --> 00:29:34,600 I was in the hospital that day 713 00:29:34,633 --> 00:29:37,367 and I saw her when she was, like, five minutes old. 714 00:29:37,400 --> 00:29:39,533 It was not a pretty sight for me. 715 00:29:39,567 --> 00:29:42,066 It was the first time I ever saw one of those things, you know. 716 00:29:42,067 --> 00:29:44,600 Um, anyway, what I really want to talk about tonight 717 00:29:44,633 --> 00:29:48,400 is that there's a guest here 718 00:29:48,433 --> 00:29:51,066 spreading a vicious, nasty, scurrilous rumor 719 00:29:51,067 --> 00:29:53,066 - about me and a gerbil. - ( Murmuring ) 720 00:29:53,067 --> 00:29:54,833 Okay? I'm sure you've heard it. 721 00:29:54,867 --> 00:29:57,867 And there's not a word of truth to it, okay? 722 00:29:57,900 --> 00:30:00,733 He has a personal vendetta, so don't believe one word of that. 723 00:30:00,767 --> 00:30:04,033 It's not true. However, 724 00:30:04,067 --> 00:30:06,033 in the interest of full disclosure 725 00:30:06,067 --> 00:30:08,033 I will tell you that, um, 726 00:30:08,067 --> 00:30:09,900 I do have a tickle in my anus. 727 00:30:09,933 --> 00:30:13,633 ( Crowd groaning ) - and they're slightly related to each other. 728 00:30:13,667 --> 00:30:15,633 Marty: What did he say? 729 00:30:15,667 --> 00:30:18,067 Larry: The point is, it's not true. I just thought it was 730 00:30:18,100 --> 00:30:20,143 - important to say that. - Susie: That's fine, Larry. 731 00:30:20,167 --> 00:30:22,709 - Because it's not right that he would spread... - Thank you very much. 732 00:30:22,733 --> 00:30:25,367 - That vicious rumor. - Larry, thank you very much. Enough. 733 00:30:25,400 --> 00:30:27,633 Larry: What are you looking at, tessler? 734 00:30:27,667 --> 00:30:29,933 I'll put a fist up your ass. 735 00:30:29,967 --> 00:30:32,500 How about that, huh? 736 00:30:32,533 --> 00:30:34,500 Well, um, 737 00:30:34,533 --> 00:30:36,800 if anyone else has a toast, 738 00:30:36,833 --> 00:30:38,867 something to say... 739 00:30:57,367 --> 00:30:59,433 I'll be right back. 740 00:31:03,600 --> 00:31:05,200 - Cheryl: Hi. - Hello. 741 00:31:05,233 --> 00:31:07,066 - How are you doing? - Nice to see you. 742 00:31:07,067 --> 00:31:08,900 - Remember Glenn? - Sure. 743 00:31:08,933 --> 00:31:11,167 - Sammie looks cute. - Yeah. 744 00:31:11,200 --> 00:31:14,400 - Very cute. She's all grown up. - Yeah, I know. 745 00:31:14,433 --> 00:31:16,433 - Oh, your underwear... - Yes. 746 00:31:16,467 --> 00:31:19,167 - Got 'em on. - My underwear? You're in the no-fly zone? 747 00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:21,309 - I'm going right over the fence. - You're over the fence? 748 00:31:21,333 --> 00:31:22,943 - Over the fence. - Did you miss the gate? 749 00:31:22,967 --> 00:31:24,867 - Not at all. - Don't even think about the gate? 750 00:31:24,900 --> 00:31:27,433 - Don't even think about it. - That's wonderful. Thank you. 751 00:31:27,467 --> 00:31:31,066 - You look good. - Oh, thank you, thank you. 752 00:31:31,067 --> 00:31:33,500 ( Slow music playing ) 753 00:31:33,533 --> 00:31:36,600 John legend: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 754 00:31:36,633 --> 00:31:39,567 This one goes out to Sammie. 755 00:31:39,600 --> 00:31:41,100 Would you like to dance? 756 00:31:41,133 --> 00:31:43,333 Um, yes. I mean, if you don't mind. 757 00:31:43,367 --> 00:31:45,400 - No, please. - Would you excuse us? 758 00:31:47,333 --> 00:31:49,367 ( Singing ) 759 00:32:30,333 --> 00:32:32,200 Would you care to dance? 760 00:32:32,233 --> 00:32:34,267 Thank you. 761 00:33:20,600 --> 00:33:23,833 - Wake up, wake up! - ( All chattering ) 762 00:33:26,867 --> 00:33:28,667 - Get the ball, Daryl! - ( Whistle blows ) 763 00:33:28,700 --> 00:33:30,433 Referee: Slide tackle, number 2, black. 764 00:33:30,467 --> 00:33:32,043 - What, you're gonna cite that? - Of course. 765 00:33:32,067 --> 00:33:33,476 What, are you crazy? Are you out of your mind? 766 00:33:33,500 --> 00:33:34,733 ( Whistles ) get out of here. 767 00:33:34,767 --> 00:33:36,633 Come on. 768 00:33:38,267 --> 00:33:40,467 - Stop playing. Stop playing. - ( All yelling ) 769 00:33:40,500 --> 00:33:42,700 - Would y'all calm down? - Hey, give me that. 770 00:33:42,733 --> 00:33:44,509 - Keysha: No. - Don't make me come back there. 771 00:33:44,533 --> 00:33:46,200 It's mine. It's mine. 772 00:33:46,233 --> 00:33:48,433 ( Family yelling ) 773 00:33:54,633 --> 00:33:57,733 Oh, fuck you, Larry. Bullshit, motherfucker. 774 00:33:57,767 --> 00:33:59,867 - I didn't know. - You are such a bald asshole! 775 00:33:59,900 --> 00:34:02,900 - I can't begin to tell you. - Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? 776 00:34:02,933 --> 00:34:04,409 Don't nobody talk to my man like that. 777 00:34:04,433 --> 00:34:06,433 You'd better get your ass out of my house, 778 00:34:06,467 --> 00:34:09,066 - you fucking bitch. - Goodbye. 779 00:34:09,067 --> 00:34:10,533 Get your smile on. Get your smile on. 780 00:34:10,567 --> 00:34:12,066 Get your smile on, come on. 781 00:34:12,067 --> 00:34:14,066 Am I smiling? Here we go. 782 00:34:14,067 --> 00:34:15,567 ( Laughs ) 783 00:34:20,100 --> 00:34:22,333 ( Theme music playing )