Hb ( theme music playing )
Morning!
( Birds twittering )
- Need some help? - Be great. That'd be great.
Okay.
Hey, I'll do it. Don't worry about it. Relax.
- I got it. - Mac: Nice, thank you.
- What is this, grape juice? - Yes, grape juice.
- You guys drink grape juice? - Sure we do, it's a great antioxidant.
- Come on over and have some. - You never see people drinking grape juice.
- It's delicious, you'd love it. - I think it's a very underrated juice.
- It is! - I wonder why more people don't buy it.
Ethel: Larry. Larry.
Did you know that a sex offender moved into the neighborhood?
- Yeah, I saw his picture on a flyer. - I know, it's terrible!
Yeah, he's a bald guy, too.
- A bald guy. - Yeah, a bald guy.
- It's very bad for the bald community. - Oh, Larry.
What's very bad for the community is that he's a sex offender.
I know, as long as he's gonna be a sex offender I wish he had a full head of hair.
- Oh, Larry! - Let me ask you a question.
Have you... have you guys been getting your newspaper?
Yeah, yeah.
- You have? - Yes.
Hmm. I haven't gotten my paper in six days.
I did see somebody
walk up your walkway there,
- pick up your newspaper... - What?!
But I figured maybe it was somebody that you knew
because he had on a suit.
A guy in a suit is taking my paper?
That's why she thought it might your friend of yours.
Jesus! That's crazy!
- Ethel: Well, you know. - Guy in a suit is taking my newspaper?
A suit's a good cover if a guy's gonna steal a paper.
If you saw him again, would know him?
Yeah yeah, I'm pretty sure I'd know him.
A guy in a suit? Huh?
- Makes no sense. - Stealing papers?
- Makes no sense. - I know.
I don't get it.
I don't get it at all.
What's a motivation there?
Guy in a suit's gotta be able to afford a paper.
Yeah. Hey, you coming to passover seder?
- Cheryl's doing a seder, huh? - Yeah, for my father.
Does she know what she's doing?
- I don't know, she'll find out. - A little problem.
Susie's sister's in town,
which means my brother-in-law's in town which means that
their kid's in town and
my brother-in-law is a little...
- He's a conservative? - He's a conservative.
- Your brother-in-law's a conservative? - Big time.
Big time conservative. Do you want to bring him to the seder?
- Yeah. - Fine, I don't care.
- I'll talk to you later. - All right, very good.
- Thanks for lunch! - Sure.
Man: These machines are really finicky.
Yeah, let me give you a hand with that.
No nno no.
- No, let me help you out. - No, I don't even care... you know what?
No, let me get this. I know how to do it. I've got the touch.
- I don't even need to read it. - Watch watch watch watch.
( Coin jangling )
I just know how to do it. I know this machine.
Go ahead.
You want one?
Yeah, but I'll close it again and pay for it, because, you know.
- It's just... - Oh. Okay.
( Coin jangling )
- Okay, well... - Yeah.
- Thanks a lot. - Hey, I'm sorry, you're...
You're Larry David, right?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry to bother you like this.
I never, ever do this.
But, you know, I'm sort of new to the neighborhood.
And I'm a huge "Seinfeld" fan.
- No kidding? - Yeah, the biggest.
- Seriously? Get out of here. - Yeah yeah yeah, seriously.
No, I'm, probably the biggest "Seinfeld" fan ever.
- What a great show. I miss it. I miss it! - Ah, go on.
"Puffy shirt" is my favorite episode.
You know what? I love that show.
Really? That's one of my favorite episodes.
Yeah, it's great. It's great.
How did you guys come up with the low talker?
Well, I mean it was pretty easy to come up with.
I was out to dinner with one.
And then you write it and you put it on the TV.
- Yeah, yeah. - I'm not an artist, you know?
So it's interesting to see how an artist like yourself works.
Well, that's very nice of you. Thank you.
- It's incredible. It's really an honor. - Thank you so much.
I'm Rick leftowitz. Great to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. - Yeah.
- Welcome to the neighborhood. - Thank you.
Oh, boy, look at the Jew girl.
- I am so Jewish right now. - Holy cow!
Where did you learn how to do this?
Well, susie's been coaching me through it all.
- She has? - Yeah.
- Do you even know what this thing is called? - This is a, uh...
Haroset.
- Very good. - It's a lot like ambrosia, except...
I wish my mother were alive to hear you say that word out loud.
Yeah, I wish my mother could hear me say... my mother would flip
- if she knew I was doing this. - Looks good.
Thank you. I mean, I'm trying.
It seems like a lot of trouble you people go through for this.
You know what I mean? - "You people?" I don't know if I like that so much.
- You Jews, is that better? - That's better, yeah.
Okay, I feel like I've been cutting apples for, like, two hours.
Okay, hey, you know what?
Marla and Mark got back together.
- Really? - Yeah.
Good for them. Good for them!
I thought you'd be happy to hear that.
That's nice. That's nice. When did this happen?
About a week ago, and he moved back in with her.
- Really? - Yeah.
Wow. - And they're coming tomorrow.
- Oh, you know who else is coming? - Who?
Jeff asked me if he could bring his in-laws.
I know. I talked to susie.
Jeez, you know what I just realized?
I never followed through on my Christmas present to Mark.
Remember I got him a subscription to the "times"?
- "The New York times." - Yeah.
And then he and Marla broke up.
I don't know. I kinda forgot about it.
So you just didn't give him his gift?
Yeah.
- Because heroke up with his girlfriend? - Yeah.
I don't see the point to it.
No, you just thought you wouldn't have to worry about it
- and you wouldn't see him again, so who cares? - Oh my god.
What?
I'll bet you Mark...
I'll bet you Mark is the guy who's taking the paper.
No, think about it, seriously. Think about it.
I can't believe it. Mark is stealing the paper.
Holy shit! Don't you see?
How long have we not been getting it, six days?
He moved back in with her a week ago. You just said that, right?
Who else would be doing it? It's him.
- Mark is not stealing our newspaper. - No?
- That is the most ridiculous... - I don't think so.
Oh, I think so. Larry, he's a doctor.
I think he could afford the paper if he wants to get a paper.
Yeah, but not if he's upset with somebody
who promised him a gift for Christmas and never followed through on it.
- That is so ridiculous. - It's not ridiculous. It makes perfect sense.
You know, because I spoke to...
Hey, you know what we should do?
What?
We should invite Mac and Ethel.
We should invite them for seder, don't you think?
You want to invite Ethel and Mac?
I had no idea you liked Mac and Ethel so much.
You don't understand because you're not Jewish, okay?
But it's a Jewish thing. It's sort of like a tradition, you know?
Invite the cranky neighbors who...
Well, if Jews don't have any place to go for seder,
you're supposed to invite them.
Come on. Come on. Invite 'em.
Hey, Larry.
- Hey. Rick, yeah. - Hey, Rick.
Hey, let me give you a hand here.
- Okay. Oh, thank you. - Yeah. How are ya?
Pretty good. Pretty good.
I should have taken one of those carts, you know, but...
- Yeah, I know. - Look, it's downhill. I'm worried it'll hit a car
and I'll get in a lawsuit or something. Who the hell knows?
Hey, what do you got there?
Oh, my four iron.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
You play golf?
Yeah, and I eat and I breathe.
- ( Laughs ) - in that order.
- Yeah, me, too. Absolutely, yeah. - Really?
Wow, wow.
Anyway, I replaced the four iron with a nine wood.
I can't hit it anymore.
Well, you know what? I would love to help you.
Oh, come on. Nobody could help me. People have tried before.
It can't be done. Can't be done, Rick.
I've been golfing for a long time. I'm fairly good.
Yeah, in my backyard,
I have this setup that you won't believe. I've got a net, a tee.
- Get the hell out of here! Really, a camera? - And I've got a camera
and you shoot yourself swinging and then analyze your swing frame-by-frame.
- What are you doing now? All right, let's go. - Nothing.
Right now? Okay, where's your car?
I don't have one.
- Okay, I'll take you. - Okay.
You want some cheetos for the trip, huh?
Yeah, why not? Great.
All right, it's gonna be fun. I love golf.
Ha ha ha. Huh? Oh my god. Did you see the whole thing?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come here. Come here. Look at this. Watch it in slow motion, okay?
Look at that.
See, you're bringing your hips through.
It doesn't even look... Who is that?
- Is that me? It doesn't look like me. - It's you.
Look, look, I wanna freeze it right here. Wait, right there.
- Look at your hips right here. - Yeah, no, I see. Perfect.
I can't believe it.
A plus. My best student of the day.
Good work. Okay.
- All right. Great. - Unreal.
Listen, anytime, anytime.
I'm completely spent.
- It's my pleasure. - Fantastic.
That was great. That was just great.
- Yeah, yeah. - Could not have been better.
What are you doing for passover?
Just having some people over.
- Oh, really? - Yeah, what are you doing?
Nothing, nothing. Totally free.
You want to come to my house?
No, really? Oh!
- All right. - Okay, okay.
- Great, great. - You don't have to.
No, that sounds great. I got nothing else to do.
- You sure? - Yeah, of course, thank you.
Yeah, I'll bring latkes.
- Okay. - Great, great.
I'll see you then. I'm gonna hit a few.
Uh...
Cheryl: What took you so long? Where were you?
Well, I met sort of a new friend.
He's kind of new in town.
And we got to talking.
Golf nut, okay? Took me to his backyard.
He's got a net. What a setup this guy... my life is changed.
Today, changed, irrevocably.
And you just started talking to a stranger?
Yeah, kind of, well, you know, he knew me from "Seinfeld."
You know, he's...
- Fan? - Yeah, kind of.
And gonna be alone on passover,
and I kind of invited him to the seder.
I hope you don't mind.
- You did? - Yeah, I'm sorry.
- No, that's okay. - Really?
- Well, if he's alone. - Aren't you a doll?
Well, that's cute. I'm glad you made a new friend.
- Yeah, okay, yeah. - That's nice.
I don't hear that very often from you.
Oh, and I forgot to mention
it's that sex offender.
What?
You know, we saw that picture on the flyer
of that sex offender guy. That's him.
- He's cool. - You invited a sex offender over for seder?
Are you out of your mind?
- It was an awkward moment. - What is wrong with you, Larry?
You don't do something like that without asking me!
You do not invite a sex offender over for dinner
without talking to me first!
We're not having a sex offender over for dinner, no!
- Call him and say no. - Cheryl, what would Jesus do?
- Oh. - Huh?
- Cheryl, Cheryl. - No, no!
Cheryl, he's a Jew. He's a Jew!
This is a fact. This is like numbers, okay?
Have you heard of the theory, the 77?
No. - Okay, every 77 years there's a great president.
Washington and then you go 77 years, Lincoln.
77 years there's... What's that guy's name?
- Theodore Roosevelt? - F.D.R.
And then another 77 years, you got w.
- Really? - I think we're in historic times.
- Washington, Lincoln, f.D.R. - And w.
- And George w. Bush. - That's right.
And we're turning the whole damn world around.
- Jake, did you remember to call your mother? - What?
Did you remember to call your mother?
Jake: I told my mother I would call her after the seder.
- You said "before." - After the seder.
- Hey. - Hey, Larry.
- How's it going, Mark? How's the doctor? - Doing well, doing well.
- Doing well, busy. Real busy. - Oh, yeah.
You know, things are booming right now, you know?
Nice to see you and Marla back together.
She's great. She's great.
Yeah, what happened?
You couldn't cut it in your single life there?
Couldn't get any dates, so you went back?
At's funny. Part of the perk of being a doctor.
It's not hard to get dates.
Get to see a lot of women naked?
- Cosmetic surgeon. Seen my fair share. - Really?
You ever get aroused?
I don't think that's really an appropriate question.
- Really, why not? - Well, you know, it's just...
It's sort of a personal thing.
I don't want to discuss something like that.
The answer of course is no. I'm a professional.
People come to me for help. I help them.
I understand. Tell me if you think this is an appropriate question.
And I mean no disrespect.
Have you been stealing my newspaper?
Larry...
Yes, that is an inappropriate question.
Okay, so that's two inappropriate questions.
I have not been stealing your newspaper, Larry. That's appalling.
- Really? - Yeah, really, Larry.
I'm quite sure I haven't been taking it.
Are you positive, Mark?
Okay.
Now if you'll excuse me.
So what did you think of my brother-in-law?
- Whoa. - Uh-huh.
- Man. Wow. - Big time. Wow.
What?
- Your sister's husband. - Man, oh, man.
- He's nauseating. - He's quite a piece of work that guy.
- Who else is coming? - ( Doorbell rings )
Oh, there's somebody right now.
- Hey, there he is. - Somebody order latkes?
Look at this. Boy, oh, boy.
- Yeah, how are ya? - Great, how you doing?
- Very good. - Good to see you.
- Yeah, this is nice. - Oh, yeah?
Let me introduce you to some of my friends here.
- The guests. - Great.
Hi.
- This is Marla. - Hi, Marla, nice to meet you. Rick.
And this is my wife Cheryl.
It's lovely to meet you. You have a wonderful home.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
- I made latkes. Yeah. - Latkes.
- From my mother's recipe. - They smell good.
Hey, this guy completely changed my life.
I'm telling you. I can't believe the way
I hit the ball now on account of him.
Yeah, just wait till I'm done with him. Different man altogether.
I can't wait.
- Nice to meet you. - Thank you.
Come on over here. This here is Jeff.
- You are? - This is Rick leftowitz.
- Nice meeting you, Rick. - Nice meeting you.
- This is susie. His wife susie. - Hi.
- And that's Sammy. - Somebody drop a cute bomb in here?
Oh, hey, and this is my dad.
Rick: It is an honor to meet you, sir.
Nat: Nice to meet you.
- This is Carol. - Hi, Carol.
- Very nice to meet you. - Rick. Nice to meet you.
- This is Emily and Jacob. - Can I talk to you a second?
Sure, yeah. Excuse me for one second.
What the hell are you trying to pull, Larry?
What? You know who that guy is?
- He had nowhere to go. - I don't give a shit where he goes.
I think it's gonna be a big addition to this passover.
- In what way? - He's got a good personality.
He's smart. He's funny.
He should not be in our presence on a holy day.
Any day. What the hell are you doing?
( Doorbell rings )
- Larry. - Hello, hello.
- How are you? - Pretty good.
- Good to see you. I'm glad you came. - So are we.
Thank you.
Everybody parked in front of my house. Everybody here,
- except the kids. - Yeah, so what?
- So what? - Are you going out tonight?
I think you're here, aren't you? So what's the problem?
Everybody's got the car parked in front of my...
- same thing, every time you have a party... - I'm sorry.
- I'll inform them next time. - Please.
Ethel, hi, how are you?
It was so nice of you to invite us.
My pleasure. Ethel, what I want you to do is
I want you to take a look around this room here, okay,
and just see if there's anybody who you recognize.
- Okay? - Sure.
- All right, would you do that for me? - Sure.
Take a look around.
- ( Ethel gasps ) - ( thud )
Okay, gently. Gently, guys.
Let's put her here on the bed.
Okay, let me just check her.
I think I hurt my back lifting her up.
Her pulse is okay. She's breathing fine.
- Does this happen often? - Well, yeah, every once in awhile
- something startles her. - How long is she going to be out like this?
A couple of hours.
A couple of hours?! What, are you kidding?
Just a... you know, she'll sleep it off,
then she'll be fine.
( All groan )
( Snapping )
( Singing in Hebrew )
Everybody have a nice big swig of wine.
( Cheering )
Hey, guess what.
Okay, get ready, kids.
You know what's in here? Matzah.
And I'm gonna hide this, and you've got to go find it.
And whoever finds the matzah is gonna get a dollar.
- ( All "ooh" ) - okay, a dollar!
All right, now go into the kitchen. Go in the kitchen.
Close your eyes. Don't look.
Cover your ears. Okay, I'm gonna hide it now.
Don't look!
Okay, kids, you can come look for the matzah now.
( Groans )
- Mac: So, Larry. - Yeah?
Any luck in finding the guy that...
- Has been stealing your newspaper? - No.
No luck at all.
For those of you who don't know, I'm sure you don't,
somebody's been stealing my newspaper
for an entire week... Yes, every day.
Mac: I tell you something, my wife, she got a good look at him.
Mean, a really good look.
If she ever sees him again, she'll recognize him.
- Really? - She'll know that face.
She never forgets a face.
Is something wrong, doctor?
Excuse me, uh, no. Just some gefilte fish.
Well, hopefully, she'll wake up soon
and come down and join us for the rest of the seder.
- Wouldn't that be nice, everybody? - All: Yes, yes.
That would be wonderful, wonderful!
( Coughs )
Hey, there's no matzah here. Let's go, beat it.
Come on, pfft, beat it.
( Jewish dance music playing )
- ( Silverware clanks ) - Larry: Well, I've...
Just seen Ethel.
She's coming around. She should be down soon.
Nat: That's nice. That's nice.
Larry: Huh? Isn't that good news?
What is all the... All that sound, that noise,
the racket we all heard upstairs?
Oh, my foot fell asleep so I was kind of jumping up and down
- to get the blood circulating again. - ( Laughing )
I hate when that happens, right?
Something wrong, doctor?
For Pete's sake, I've...
I've been paged by the hospital. It must be an emergency.
Oh my gosh! Oh, it's a doctor emergency.
- I'm so sorry. - I didn't hear anything, doctor.
- I keep my pager on vibrate... - Oh, do you?
- For medical emergencies, yes. - Uh-huh.
- Thank you so much for having me. - It was great to meet you.
Aren't you a cosmetic surgeon?
Yes, we have emergencies in that field as well.
You know, it's too bad. Ethel's coming down soon.
She'll be upset that she didn't get to meet you.
I'll meet her another time, I'm sure.
Thank you. Marla, I'm sorry. I'll see you at home.
- I'll see you at home. - Thank you, everyone.
- Love you. - Found it!
- What? - ( cheering )
- Stevie! - He found the matzah!
Larry: In a hurry, doctor?
- As I explained, I've been paged by my hospital. - Yes, I know.
Emergency boob job, no doubt.
( Clears throat ) I've been paged for a medical emergency
- because I am a doctor. - Yes yes yes.
You're a doctor. Yes yes, of course, you're a doctor.
- It's a medical situation. - You're lucky that old lady fainted.
I don't... I don't know what you're talking about.
You took that paper. I know you did.
I'm a doctor, you idiot!
Good yontif.
- Larry? - Hey, buddy, what's up?
Can I talk to you for a second?
- Sure, what's up? - Um...
This is really hard. I, uh...
I'm... in the throes of a moral quandary right now,
- and I don't know what to do. - Okay, um...
I'm not really the right... I'm not a good person to...
- Oh, I think you are. You're the perfect person. - To confide in, no no no.
What you need to see is a doctor or a psychiatrist,
- a counselor of some kind. - A doctor, no no no.
I'm... I'm... I'm clear on what I'm torn about:
My allegiance to you as a friend,
and not wanting to ruin the party.
Uh, but I saw something very shocking,
and I feel like I have to tell you.
What... what's going on?
Well, I saw Mr. dunkle
whisper in his son's ear.
And then the boy went right over and found the matzah.
Oh my god.
Yeah, because he saw me hiding it.
We made eye contact. He saw it.
Well, there you go. Sorry.
Yeah, okay.
- I'll take it from here. - Okay.
When am I gonna get my dollar?
Oh yeah, your dollar.
That's right. Let me ask you a question, Stevie.
I notice that you went to the bookcase once.
What made you go back there a second time?
Hey, look look, he found the matzah, pay up.
I'm just trying to find out why he went back to the bookcase.
There's no need for the third degree. Just pay him the dollar.
- How come you went back, Stevie? - Stop it!
He found the matzah, pay up. That's that!
- He found the matzah? - Yeah!
'Cause you told him where it was hidden.
- That is a lie! - Didn't you?
- That is a lie! You don't know anything.
- How would you know that? - How do I know?
How would you know?
My friend told me, that's how I know!
He saw you whisper in your son's ear then watched as he ran to the bookcase
- and got the matzah. - Oh, your friend the convicted sex offender!
( All clamoring )
Oh my god! Oh my god, there's something wrong with Sammy.
Sammy, Sammy, get up.
Come on, come on. What's the matter, honey?
She can't breathe. She can't breathe.
- Does anyone know mouth-to-mouth? - Oh my god!
I do.
( Theme music playing )