Hey.
Good morning.
No.
Larry, no.
No, what?
What are you talking about?
Didn't you just wear that jacket yesterday?
Yeah, I'm wearing the exact same outfit.
I didn't feel like going through that
whole decision process of picking out an outfit.
Well, it's awful.
You know what, I think it's time to get rid of it.
What are you talking about?
What's the matter with it?
Everything.
Look at it, it's...
Maroon.
Maroon, yeah.
You think that's a good look?
Uh, I think it's a good color for me, yeah.
Um, hmm, well, it's not.
So, why don't you just take it off
because I'm getting some clothes together
for that homeless guy that hangs out by the gas station.
Hey, I've had this jacket since I started doing "Seinfeld".
Yeah, I believe you.
This is my show night jacket.
I wore this on show night.
Okay, well, great.
But, you know, it's really time to update...
Your wardrobe a little, don't you think?
Get the hell out of here!
Listen, listen...
This will be quick and painless, there you go.
( Buzzer )
Hey. Hey.
Richard Lewis is in your office.
Oh, okay.
So, I'm not going to be around this weekend
in case you want to get in touch with me for some reason...
Where you going?
I'm going to monterey.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah, Cheryl's sister is getting married.
Becky is getting married, really?
Yeah, to a Jew.
Marrying a Jew.
Really, well...
So, am I, they make the best husbands.
And he's converting.
He's getting baptized and the whole thing, whatever.
Really?
Wow.
But, you know what,
I'll leave you the number where I'm going to be staying
just in case anything comes up.
Okay.
I came up here for the paper, thank you, but I...
Oh god, I hate doing this, 'cause, you know,
you always take it the wrong way.
You take everything the wrong way ever since I've known you.
Seven years ago I was in Paris and I remember it exactly...
Forget Paris!
Alright, you stole my outgoing message on my answering machine.
What, are you crazy?
What, are you nuts?
I know you're ethical, I'm ethical.
When people steal jokes, we fucking hate that.
But I hate when people fucking steal my outgoing messages.
You don't even know what you're talking about.
You have my same answering machine outgoing message,
and it bugs me.
That's my message!
I wrote it in Paris!
You wrote it in Paris, I had that message seven years ago.
Bullshit!
I wrote it seven and a half years ago!
Who's word are you going to trust, okay?
An ex-alcoholics or a person who was lucid 24 hours a day
his whole life?
Do me a favor?
What?
Please change it.
What?
'Cause it's really bothering me.
I want you to change that because people call me
and they call you and they go,
"well, Larry David has the same thing."
It's not fucking Larry David's, it's mine.
I mean, I don't have a wife, I don't have, you know...
My parents are dead, you have a family.
Come on, change, can you, come on.
Oh, he doesn't have a wife and his parents are dead.
That's right.
I need, I hold onto these things.
Doesn't have a wife and his parents are dead.
Oh.
Do me a favor and change it for me.
Yeah, I'll change it because you don't have a wife
and your parents, you lost your parents.
I'm laughing, you know why, 'cause you're funny.
And they would've been 95, but they're dead.
I'm laughing...
It's a shame.
Are you done?
I didn't steal your message, asshole.
I didn't take it.
You took it from me, but you know what,
I'll be the man.
Whatever.
I'll be the man.
Ridiculous.
Hi, uh, we're not in, please leave a message at the tone,
thank you.
Fantastic.
What's wrong with that?
What's wrong, because it's not fair.
At least it's an admission of guilt.
It's not an admission of guilt.
How's that an admission of guilt?
I was the man, it's not an admission of guilt.
I'm a big man, I'm a big expansive man.
You're a small petty, you're a small petty man.
Don't change that.
I remember when you made that message.
I thought it was very funny.
Oh, so then to show that, you know, I was the man,
I changed the message right in front of him in the office.
From the office?
Yeah.
I didn't know you could change your outgoing message.
Yeah, it was easy.
I thought you had to be here.
No, so, what do I got to take?
Do I need a traveling outfit?
Uh, yes, you need a traveling outfit,
you need something for the baptism,
so, we're probably...
What is a baptism anyway?
You don't know what a baptism is?
I have no idea what it is, something to do with water?
Yeah, yeah.
I can't believe you don't know what a baptism is.
Well, I don't know what it is.
Well, you'll find out tomorrow, first hand.
You're going to witness the whole thing.
What does the average gentile wear to a baptism?
( Laughing )
Something, uh...
Blue blazer and a red tie and a white shirt?
Yeah, do you have that?
My St. Anthony's...
Khakis and a blue blazer would be wonderful.
And then a wedding, something for the wedding?
Then something for the wedding.
Yes. Then the next day.
Boy, this is rough.
This guy's converting.
Why is he doing that?
You guys come to our side, we don't go to your side.
Yeah.
Jews don't convert, I'm really surprised.
Well, you know what, if he didn't convert,
she wouldn't marry him.
I know that about Becky,
she's very passionate about her religion.
Why do christians take everything so personally
with Christ, you know?
It's like, it's not only do you have to worship him,
you want everybody to.
It's like, I like lobster.
Do I go around pushing lobster on people?
Do I say, you must like lobsters, eat lobster,
it's good, it's good.
It's not only where you live.
You go to Africa, you travel all over the world,
get, eat lobster, have some more lobster, it's good.
I don't really think it's...
We want you to have lobster!
Lobster and religion,
I really don't see the similarities.
Hey, what time is the car picking us up in the morning?
Uh, I'm going to drive.
No, let's just take a...
No, I don't want to take that car service,
they never show up and they're not dependable.
But then we have to find a parking space
when we get there at the airport.
We'll leave early, that's okay.
Look at all this.
That's too much stuff.
( Cheryl ) come on, honey, let's get going!
I can't find the tickets.
When was the last time you had them?
My office.
I left them in the office.
Oh.
Shit.
That's okay, we got time.
That's okay.
It's alright, we have time, we got up early enough.
They're not there and I know where they are.
Yesterday when I pressed the security code
to get into my office, there was this creepy guy
and he was, he was watching me
and he saw me press every number
and I'll bet you he got into that office.
I knew it, he was standing out there
and I knew something like that was going to happen.
So, somebody came into your office
and stole airline tickets to monterey?
That guy, there was something,
I knew I should've said something...
Why would somebody steal tickets to monterey?
Why not? Monterey's a beautiful place.
Was anything else stolen?
Was anything else gone?
I don't know, I wasn't paying attention.
You know, all our information is on there,
our address, our phone number.
He's not gonna break into our house,
he's going to monterey.
Okay, this is ridiculous.
I'm gonna call the airline and tell them what happened.
He can't just get on the plane with our tickets, can he?
Why can't he?
He just hands them the ticket, he walks on the plane.
Call the airline.
I don't think it works like that.
Alright, just tell them what's going on.
Okay.
Hi, yes, airwest?
Thank you.
They're connecting me.
Hi, my name is Cheryl David and I'm...
I'm on hold.
Well, what?
I'm still on hold, Larry, how are we doing on time?
I don't know.
We'll make it, I think.
Oh, hi, yes,
we're on our way to the airport right now,
our tickets have been stolen...
( Together ) somebody's gonna get on the plane with our tickets...
No, no, no, no...
They just put me on hold.
They're gonna get a supervisor.
Look at this, look at this.
Should I go to Lincoln?
I need Lincoln approval, I just can't do it on my own, tell me.
Then go Lincoln!
( Cheryl ) oh, there's the lot.
Hi.
Okay, let me just...
No, no, because I've already spoken to you.
That's what I'm saying, I can't, you, you,
you cannot help me, I, no, I need a...
Oh, just forget it.
You know what, just forget it,
we're already here at the airport.
There's no spaces.
Well, hmm.
This is unbelievable.
Yeah, parking is hard to find at the airport.
That's something new, Larry.
Well, maybe in retrospect we should've taken the car service.
Oh, my god.
Larry, we've been down this aisle.
What's this guy doing?
What's this guy?
Yeah.
Excuse me, you leaving?
Yeah, he's leaving.
Yeah.
Beautiful.
So, I guess we'll just run to the gate
and maybe he's already in our seat.
I wonder if he brought a date.
What's taking this guy so long?
What the hell is he doing?
Nothing.
( Honking )
Yeah, it's alright, take your time.
Take your time, nobody is waiting for you.
Make a call, have a cup of coffee.
I mean, have a nice bagel.
Take a little nap.
That's fine.
What are you doing in there?
Trade places, you can do it over here.
I'm trying to get catch a plane, sir.
Well, get here earlier, it's not my fault.
Thanks for the tip.
Hey, she's leaving.
Oh, good, okay.
Yeah.
What?! Hey, hey!
Did he not...
Hey, mister!
If the lot's full, why do they even let you go in?
They shouldn't even give you a ticket.
Gotta drive around like an idiot for 15 minutes?
Oh, god, look at that line.
Well, what do you want to do?
We don't have time to stand in line.
We just can't cut right in front.
This is an exception,
we're gonna have to just go to the front and tell her.
Go to the front?
We'll just explain the situation.
We don't have time, Larry, come on.
Hi.
( Female ) excuse me, we're in line.
Somebody took our tickets...
We lost our tickets.
I'd be happy to help you if you just step to the back of the line.
We really don't have time.
I was actually on the phone...
I understand that, ma'am, but you need to get
to the back of the line, please.
Everybody here has been waiting, okay?
I will take care of you when it's return, okay?
Thank you.
Is the plane filled up?
Sir, please get to the back of the line right now, thank you.
I'm so sorry about that.
Alright, where were we?
You're all set.
The other two are just snacks because it's a short trip...
I got the guy.
That's the guy.
What?
I got the guy.
Okay, you can give me the ticket, okay?
I want the ticket.
I don't know what you're talking about.
What I'm talking about, I'm talking about the ticket
that you took from my office, okay?
Yeah, you memorized the building code.
I want the ticket I gotta get on the plane, I got a wedding.
I think you got me confused with somebody else.
No, I don't think I do.
I don't have your ticket, okay?
I have my own ticket.
Of course you do, yeah.
It's a bereavement thing, my mother's death.
Yeah, right, okay, yeah.
I'd like to take a look at it, okay?
Yeah, it's your ticket right?
You want to see my ticket?
Yeah, I do, yeah.
Okay, you want to see? Let's take a look, alright?
Yeah, yeah.
What's the name right here?
Is it your name, no, it's mine.
Chris darga.
See, if this were yours,
it would say "fucking douchebag".
Asshole.
Sorry about your mother.
( P.A. system ) ladies and gentleman,
airwest, flight 1459 to monterey, California,
is now boarding rows 16 through 30.
Once again, for all airwest passengers,
flight 1459 to monterey,
we are boarding rows 16 through 30.
I know what you did.
You talking to me?
Yeah.
I know.
What?
The ticket...
What ticket? What are you talking about?
The ticket, the ticket, right here, to monterey,
I know, come on.
I think you got the wrong guy.
Why don't you give me the ticket back,
I won't even say anything...
I don't have your ticket, what are you talking about?
Come on, the ticket.
Go fuck yourself.
Okay, okay.
( P.A. system ) ladies and gentlemen,
airwest flight 1459 to monterey
is now boarding rows one through 15...
What are you doing?
I was looking for the guy.
Did you look at these people, did you see anything?
I don't know who you're looking for, Larry.
( P.A. system ) final boarding call for flight 1459,
non-stop to monterey,
will all remaining passengers please board.
Okay, you know,
your flight does not even leave for another hour,
so, you have plenty of time
and we're not even boarding that yet,
so, just take it easy and we'll call you when we're ready, okay?
Thanks.
Hi.
We lost our tickets,
we need to get on this flight right now.
Somebody stole our tickets, they're on the plane.
I don't have a single ticket,
I'm completely sold out, I'm sorry.
( Cheryl ) we already have tickets.
The point is, the point is
somebody is in our seats, see?
I don't think that's...
No, that's very possible...
( doors closing )
Actually the doors closed that means...
I actually am not legally allowed to go back on the plane.
What I can do is I can get you on another flight...
Somebody's sitting in our seats on the plane.
We have tickets for that flight.
Can I see the tickets, please?
They were stolen. We don't have them...
Okay, I can't go on the plane, my hands are tied.
But what I can do for you folks
is I can get you on the next flight
which will actually get you in at 4:00.
That would not be good, actually.
We would miss the baptism, we would miss...
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, we're trying to go to a wedding
and we need to be there in a few hours...
Okay, I have an idea, I think I can actually...
Okay, maybe I think this will work.
I don't have another flight to monterey,
but I can send you in through San Francisco,
10:30, would get you into San Francisco,
um, it's only an hour flight,
you could rent a car and just drive to monterey,
it's about 100 miles.
That'd get you by about 2:00
and that should work for you.
And then at least we wouldn't miss the baptism.
That's fine, we'll do that.
I'll set that up for you, I just need a credit card
and I'll get this all rolling for you.
Larry, give her your credit card.
Hey, you got the cell phone?
I want to call Richard Lewis,
I want you to corroborate this message.
That is so ridiculous.
Why, why is it ridiculous?
Ha ha, that is such a funny message,
how did you ever come up with something like that?
You are so clever.
Hey, I'm sitting here with my wife
and I believe that she can shed some light on this controversy.
So, just hold on.
No, I don't want to do that.
Come on, Cheryl. I don't want to do that.
I don't want to do it, Larry.
I don't feel like doing that right now.
Um, she'll talk to you in person.
She wants to discuss this in person.
Okay.
( P.A. system ) flight 627 to San Francisco...
Thank you.
Thank you. Yeah.
( Female ) all set.
Um, how long does it take to get to monterey?
About two hours.
We can still make it.
Alright, I'm gonna drive, I'm gonna drive, thank you.
( Larry ) Jesus Christ, slow down.
* ba, ba, ba, ya, ya... *
* ah, la, ba, ba, ba... *
I'm gonna check the machine.
Have you ever had a fresh grape?
Huh?
I've had fresh apples, I've never had a fresh grape.
I've never had a fresh cherry, never had a fresh pear,
never seen a pear,
never saw a pear outside of a fruit stand.
What's going on, the machine's not even coming on.
There's no message.
The message that you changed from your office?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's not working?
No.
Did you check it after you you changed it?
No, I didn't check it, I thought I did it right.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, so what?
So we miss a couple of calls, big deal.
This is nice country, don't you think?
Nice country up here.
Maybe we should move up here, think we should?
I think you should look at the map and find out where we are exactly.
Settle down, are we settled down, do you think?
I mean, what do you have to be to be settled down?
We have a house and chairs.
You know, grape works as a soda,
sort of as a gum,
but I wonder why it doesn't work as a pie.
Grape pie, there's no grape pie.
I don't know,
did we think we really needed Alaska and Hawaii?
They gotta ruin everything.
They ruined the continental United States,
ruined it.
We have a beautiful pacific coast, Atlantic coast,
that's the continental United States.
You don't need more states.
We're not the British empire.
They tryin' to turn us into the British empire?
And what is Puerto Rico anyway?
( Cheryl ) okay, please, I am trying to drive.
Okay, that's 3/10ths of a mile, right there.
Yeah?
So... i don't know.
It's gotta be around here, right?
Is that a...?
I will be so mad...
If we miss this.
This is a row of pines.
We already passed pines.
And that looks like a car, is that a car?
Hey, is that a car up there?
Stupid directions.
Let's just stop and get out and take a look,
it's gotta be here.
I don't know.
Stop, stop!
( Cheryl ) no, Larry!
No!
( Female ) what's going on? No!
Jesus, get him, he can't swim!
Get him! Hold your breath!
Oh, god!
Hold on!
How you doing?
Anybody need a change of dry clothes?
Hot bath?
You happy about this, Larry?
Is this what you had in mind?
You like this, you dick?
Honey, it's fine.
It's not fine, what the hell is the matter with you?
I thought that he was drowning him, okay? I'm sorry!
Bullshit, you didn't think he was drowning,
you just didn't want him to convert.
So you came screaming down the hill to stop it.
What do I care? I don't care if he converts.
That is ridiculous.
You didn't want to lose a Jew and you know it.
I don't care if I lose Jews.
Take them all, I don't need them.
I don't want them.
That was the whole point of the baptism,
but you came and blew it.
What is that supposed to mean?
I want you, I don't want you to be Jewish.
It was an accident, you didn't mean to interrupt.
I never saw a baptism before, I don't know what it is.
How can you not know what a baptism is?
Because I'd never been to one.
Okay, well, I've never been to, you know, a bris,
but I know what it is.
Larry, Larry,
Larry...
Come here.
You don't know me, Dave levin,
I'm the schmuck's brother-in-law.
Listen, what you did is a very gutsy thing, okay?
I'm here to say,
you don't have to take a bow for it, I'm just telling you.
As one Jew to another,
it's a gutsy thing to come in and step in on something like that.
I didn't even...
For my family, thank you.
You did good, excuse me, you did good.
But I didn't even, I thought he was...
You're with us now, okay?
You're with us now, alright?
Well, the question is, what do we do now?
When do we go back in?
Right.
What do you mean, go back in?
We gotta finish it.
Finish it? I did it.
I did what I said I was gonna do.
I got under the water, you held me under.
No, honey, you just kind of started it,
but it didn't really work.
( Male ) not complete.
That's not my fault, I did what I was supposed to do.
But you gotta go back in.
I dunked you one time,
you need to be dunked three times.
You need two more dunks.
You're joking, no, no, no more dunking,
I don't want anymore dunking.
Get back in there, a couple of dunks, you're done.
I don't want to go back in there,
it was hard enough the first time,
I don't want to go back in there now.
I like the way you told them you've never seen a baptism before.
That was brilliant, that was brilliant.
( Female ) you're a genius, a genius.
Well, you know, I thought
something had to be done, really.
You did it.
You done did it, boy.
So, I said that thing about the baptism, and...
Yeah, rabbi akeba says it takes one man.
We don't have to do it in a river.
Do you have a tub in this house?
Well, yes, of course, we have a tub.
We can fill the tub up.
I'll tell you what,
get me a cup of water, I'll sprinkle you.
Just a cup of water.
I don't think it's about the river.
I don't think I should be doing this.
What?
You know what?
I don't know what it's like to have a baptism,
I don't know what you're supposed to feel,
but, I felt something.
When I went in that water, when I was held under there,
I felt some sort of revelation,
like it was some sort of message from god that...
That I shouldn't do this.
After I came out of the water,
I didn't feel like a Christian, I felt like even more of a Jew.
What are you talking about?
I'm just saying,
something happened to me there that told me
someone or something was saying,
don't do this, be happy with who you are,
you're Jewish and that's okay.
Well, I need for you to be a Christian before I marry you.
Whoever steps up and does something like that?
I feel good.
You should, you should.
You're amazing.
You're a hero.
Thank you.
I'd like you talk at my daughter's bat mitzvah.
Something changed my mind for me,
something makes me feel different now.
And I think it was the baptism.
Fine, then we're not getting married.
I'm not getting baptized.
Well, I'm not getting married.
( Cheryl ) okay, Sheldon, Vicky...
Hey, Larry, did you hear that?
We're not getting married!
You happy now, you sonofabitch?!
Don't call him a sonofabitch, he's not a sonofabitch.
This man happened to do a wonderful thing today.
What?
What are you saying,
that being a Christian isn't a wonderful thing?
What are you insinuating?
No, he's not saying that.
It's wonderful for you, we resent the recruitment.
We don't need you!
Your people...!
( Arguing )
Everything's a problem with you people!
( Yelling all at once )
Ah, it's good to be home.
Hey, there's my jacket,
there's the guy you gave my jacket to!
Hey!
Can you help me out?
Remember me? I gave you the jacket.
Oh, hi.
That's my jacket, it looks really good on you.
I'm glad you could use it, there you go.
Thank you.
Thanks again for...
Okay, bye.
Oh... oh, dear, yes?
I found these airplane tickets.
I tried to call you.
The phone number was on there.
You guys don't have a phone machine?
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