1 00:00:55,381 --> 00:00:58,050 Bobby-boy, stay while mommy picks up free cheese. 2 00:01:00,051 --> 00:01:02,345 This will keep the sun out of your eyes 3 00:01:02,512 --> 00:01:04,221 Be good. 4 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,687 Don't you fucking move, you little shit machine. 5 00:01:12,854 --> 00:01:14,437 Mama's gonna try to score. 6 00:01:19,483 --> 00:01:22,443 Excuse me, who's watching these babies? 7 00:01:22,652 --> 00:01:24,906 The fat one's watching the little one? 8 00:01:24,948 --> 00:01:27,200 Nice parenting. 9 00:01:27,408 --> 00:01:29,702 Leave them out here like that and see what happens. 10 00:01:29,743 --> 00:01:31,996 Fuck you, you fucking square! 11 00:01:32,163 --> 00:01:33,913 Yeah, keep on trucking. 12 00:01:34,122 --> 00:01:36,541 Did you hear the fucking guy tell me how to fucking raise you? 13 00:01:36,708 --> 00:01:38,001 What a fucker man. 14 00:01:38,168 --> 00:01:39,460 Who does he think he fucking is? 15 00:01:39,585 --> 00:01:40,502 What's the worst that could fucking happen to you 16 00:01:40,627 --> 00:01:42,713 standing in front of a store? 17 00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:43,963 Fuck! 18 00:01:46,756 --> 00:01:48,425 Fuck. 19 00:01:49,217 --> 00:01:51,843 Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 20 00:01:51,968 --> 00:01:55,096 Fuck, fuck, mother-motherfuck- mother-motherfuck-fuck. 21 00:01:55,221 --> 00:01:57,181 Motherfuck, motherfuck- no inch, no inch, no inch. 22 00:01:57,347 --> 00:01:59,141 One, two, one-two-three-four. 23 00:01:59,308 --> 00:02:00,893 No inch, no inch, no inch, no inch, 24 00:02:01,101 --> 00:02:04,479 Smoking weed, smoking weed, doing coke, drinking beers. 25 00:02:04,604 --> 00:02:08,315 Drinking beers, beers, beers. Rolling fatties, smoking blunts. 26 00:02:08,523 --> 00:02:10,275 Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts. 27 00:02:13,153 --> 00:02:14,779 Let me have a nickel bag. 28 00:02:14,904 --> 00:02:18,699 Fifteen bucks, little man. Put that shit in my hand. 29 00:02:18,783 --> 00:02:22,578 If that money doesn't show, then you owe me, owe me, owe. 30 00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:26,372 My Jungle Love. Oh-wee-oh-wee-oh! 31 00:02:26,539 --> 00:02:29,042 I think I want to know you, know you. 32 00:02:29,083 --> 00:02:31,585 What the hell are you singing? 33 00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:33,378 You don't know "Jungle Love"? 34 00:02:33,629 --> 00:02:34,880 That shit is the mad notes. 35 00:02:34,922 --> 00:02:36,173 Written by God herself... 36 00:02:36,381 --> 00:02:39,383 and handed down to the greatest band in the world. 37 00:02:39,550 --> 00:02:41,427 The motherfucking Time. 38 00:02:41,594 --> 00:02:43,178 You mean the guys in that Prince movie? 39 00:02:43,345 --> 00:02:44,221 Yeah, "Purple Rain." 40 00:02:44,387 --> 00:02:47,307 That shit was so gay. Fucking 80's style. 41 00:02:50,392 --> 00:02:52,853 Don't never say an unkind word about "The Time". 42 00:02:52,937 --> 00:02:55,396 Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives... 43 00:02:55,563 --> 00:02:56,731 around Morris Day and Jerome. 44 00:02:56,898 --> 00:02:59,859 I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy... 45 00:02:59,901 --> 00:03:02,860 and tubby here is my black man-servant. 46 00:03:02,985 --> 00:03:03,736 What? 47 00:03:03,903 --> 00:03:06,072 What did tell you two about dealing in front of the store? 48 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:09,741 Drop the kid and pedal your wares someplace else, burn-boy. 49 00:03:11,118 --> 00:03:14,036 And for the record, "The Time" sucked ass. 50 00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:20,083 Want to hear something fucked up about him and that Quick-Stop boy? 51 00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:24,045 Are you supposed to be here today? 52 00:03:24,087 --> 00:03:25,630 Don't get me started. 53 00:03:25,797 --> 00:03:27,799 Can't we do something about those two stoners... 54 00:03:27,924 --> 00:03:29,634 hanging around outside the store all the time? 55 00:03:29,842 --> 00:03:31,009 Why? What did they do now? 56 00:03:31,176 --> 00:03:32,970 I'm trying to watch "Clash Of The Titans" 57 00:03:33,095 --> 00:03:33,720 and all I can hear is... 58 00:03:33,887 --> 00:03:36,347 those two screaming about Morris Day at the top of their lungs. 59 00:03:36,514 --> 00:03:38,850 I thought the fat one didn't talk that much. 60 00:03:38,891 --> 00:03:41,184 What, am I producing an A & E biography about them? 61 00:03:41,434 --> 00:03:45,062 Two packs of wraps. How is the service? 62 00:03:45,229 --> 00:03:46,897 What service? 63 00:03:46,981 --> 00:03:48,648 The one at the Unitarian Church last week... 64 00:03:48,773 --> 00:03:50,733 where you two got married to each other 65 00:03:50,859 --> 00:03:52,318 What the hell are you talking about? 66 00:03:52,485 --> 00:03:54,278 Jay said you guys had a "Star Wars" theme wedding... 67 00:03:54,445 --> 00:03:56,697 and you tied the knot dressed like Storm Troopers. 68 00:03:56,780 --> 00:03:59,031 And he says you're the bitch and you're butch. 69 00:03:59,157 --> 00:04:00,450 I'm the bitch? 70 00:04:00,575 --> 00:04:02,160 If we were gay, that's the way I'd see it. 71 00:04:02,285 --> 00:04:03,202 Will you shut up? 72 00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:05,704 Holy shit, dude-the honeymoon's over. 73 00:04:05,871 --> 00:04:07,372 That does it. 74 00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:09,833 I am gonna do something about these two stoner fucks... 75 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,792 I should've done a long time ago. 76 00:04:14,003 --> 00:04:15,754 What the fuck, Serpico? What'd we do? 77 00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:19,383 We got a report of two guys hanging around a store selling pot. 78 00:04:19,592 --> 00:04:21,177 We don't smoke pot. 79 00:04:21,343 --> 00:04:24,095 No pot? What do you use this for? 80 00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:27,265 I have a wiping problem, I stick those little pieces of paper... 81 00:04:27,307 --> 00:04:30,267 over my brown eye and bam! - No shit stains on my undies. 82 00:04:30,434 --> 00:04:32,060 You don't believe me? I'll show you. 83 00:04:32,519 --> 00:04:33,270 Check this out. 84 00:04:33,479 --> 00:04:35,646 Just spread my cheeks and you can see the stink nuggets. 85 00:04:35,730 --> 00:04:37,899 Pull up your fucking pants, sir. 86 00:04:38,065 --> 00:04:40,025 Now! 87 00:04:40,776 --> 00:04:43,528 Let's go. We're going down to the station. 88 00:04:43,570 --> 00:04:46,322 What, is it a crime to fart? Motherfucker 89 00:04:47,364 --> 00:04:48,866 No fucking way! 90 00:04:49,074 --> 00:04:51,826 Dante and Randal slapped you with a restraining order? 91 00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,702 Ain't that about a bitch? 92 00:04:53,744 --> 00:04:55,454 Are you gonna abide by the court's ruling... 93 00:04:55,579 --> 00:04:57,704 or are you gonna go bandit, Reynold's style? 94 00:04:57,871 --> 00:05:00,165 Judge said if we go within a hundred feet of the store... 95 00:05:00,332 --> 00:05:01,875 we get thrown into County. 96 00:05:02,042 --> 00:05:03,709 You know what they make you do in County? 97 00:05:03,834 --> 00:05:05,920 Toss the salad. 98 00:05:05,961 --> 00:05:08,005 If you guys really wanted to hang out in front of a convenience store... 99 00:05:08,172 --> 00:05:10,924 you could buy your own with all that money you guys made. 100 00:05:11,091 --> 00:05:13,176 Hell, yeah, bitch. 101 00:05:13,301 --> 00:05:14,593 Wait a second-what money? 102 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:17,515 The money from the Bluntman And Chronic movie. 103 00:05:21,184 --> 00:05:23,520 Oh my God, don't tell me you have no idea... 104 00:05:23,645 --> 00:05:25,647 that there's a movie being made of the comic... 105 00:05:25,772 --> 00:05:27,856 you two were the basis for? 106 00:05:28,023 --> 00:05:30,274 What? Since when? 107 00:05:30,441 --> 00:05:34,236 Here's the pulse. And this is your finger... 108 00:05:34,403 --> 00:05:37,489 far from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass. 109 00:05:38,697 --> 00:05:41,450 Would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? 110 00:05:42,660 --> 00:05:47,288 If you read Wizard, you'd know that it's the top story this month. 111 00:05:47,497 --> 00:05:48,915 Check it out. 112 00:05:51,291 --> 00:05:52,709 When the fuck did this happen? 113 00:05:52,876 --> 00:05:54,753 After-X-Men hit at the box office... 114 00:05:54,878 --> 00:05:57,130 all the studios started buying every comic property... 115 00:05:57,213 --> 00:05:59,424 they could get their dirty little hands on. 116 00:05:59,632 --> 00:06:02,092 Miramax optioned Bluntman And Chronic. 117 00:06:02,217 --> 00:06:02,717 Miramax? 118 00:06:02,884 --> 00:06:05,177 I thought they only made classy pictures... 119 00:06:05,219 --> 00:06:07,387 like The Piano, or The Crying Game. 120 00:06:07,554 --> 00:06:10,515 Once they made She's All That, everything went to hell. 121 00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:13,727 You're saying you haven't gotten a monetary cut of the movie? 122 00:06:13,893 --> 00:06:15,730 Didn't Holden McNeil and Banky Edwards... 123 00:06:15,771 --> 00:06:17,523 used to pay you likeness rights for the comic book? 124 00:06:17,732 --> 00:06:20,150 We haven't seen a fucking dime for no movie. 125 00:06:20,316 --> 00:06:23,319 I'm no lawyer, but I think Holden and Banky... 126 00:06:23,486 --> 00:06:26,280 owe you some of that proverbial "fat cash". 127 00:06:26,363 --> 00:06:28,490 If I was you guys, I'd find Holden McNeil... 128 00:06:28,699 --> 00:06:30,324 and ask for my movie check. 129 00:06:30,533 --> 00:06:32,909 Shit, yeah, we gots to get paid! 130 00:06:33,118 --> 00:06:35,579 And on that note, we cue the music. 131 00:06:52,425 --> 00:06:56,470 Look at these morose motherfuckers right here. 132 00:06:56,636 --> 00:07:01,557 Smells like somebody shit in their cereal. Bunngg! 133 00:07:02,391 --> 00:07:04,060 Come on in. 134 00:07:05,018 --> 00:07:07,562 What brings you two dirt merchants to my neck of the woods? 135 00:07:07,771 --> 00:07:10,106 I'll tell you what our necks are doing in your woods. 136 00:07:10,190 --> 00:07:12,067 Where's our motherfucking movie check? 137 00:07:12,108 --> 00:07:13,986 You heard about that, huh? 138 00:07:14,111 --> 00:07:14,820 I got nothing to do with it. 139 00:07:15,029 --> 00:07:15,571 That's Banky's deal. 140 00:07:15,738 --> 00:07:16,363 He owns the property now. 141 00:07:16,530 --> 00:07:19,281 I sold my half of the Bluntman and Chronic rights to him years ago. 142 00:07:19,406 --> 00:07:21,408 Why the fuck would you do a thing like that? 143 00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:25,119 Why in Gods' name would I want to keep writing about characters... 144 00:07:25,203 --> 00:07:28,705 whose central preoccupation is weed and dick and fart jokes. 145 00:07:28,872 --> 00:07:31,083 You gotta grow, man. 146 00:07:31,291 --> 00:07:33,668 Don't you want anything more for yourself? 147 00:07:33,752 --> 00:07:36,045 I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. 148 00:07:37,546 --> 00:07:40,882 I look into his sorry, doe eyes and I see a man crying out. 149 00:07:41,132 --> 00:07:42,550 He's crying out "When, Lord?" 150 00:07:42,717 --> 00:07:45,053 When the fuck can your servant... 151 00:07:45,261 --> 00:07:47,805 ditch this foul mouthed little chucklehead... 152 00:07:47,971 --> 00:07:50,474 to whom I am a constant victim of his folly. 153 00:07:50,599 --> 00:07:52,934 So much so that it prevents me from ever getting a girl. 154 00:07:53,101 --> 00:07:54,601 Fuck! When, Lord, when? 155 00:07:54,768 --> 00:07:56,686 When's gonna be my time? 156 00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:01,148 He knows. 157 00:08:01,315 --> 00:08:02,733 I'm the chucklehead? 158 00:08:02,942 --> 00:08:04,150 You're the fucking dumb ass... 159 00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:05,276 who gave your comic away. 160 00:08:05,443 --> 00:08:07,737 Now you don't get no fucking movie check neither. 161 00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:09,321 When you're right, you're right. 162 00:08:09,446 --> 00:08:11,448 I wish I'd held on to a little piece of that thing because... 163 00:08:11,615 --> 00:08:14,828 if the buzz is any sign, that movie's gonna make some huge bank. 164 00:08:14,993 --> 00:08:16,412 What buzz? 165 00:08:16,620 --> 00:08:17,704 The internet buzz. 166 00:08:17,830 --> 00:08:19,998 What the fuck is the internet? 167 00:08:20,165 --> 00:08:22,542 The internet is a communications tool used the world over... 168 00:08:22,750 --> 00:08:24,544 where people can come together to bitch about movies... 169 00:08:24,711 --> 00:08:25,628 and share pornography. 170 00:08:25,795 --> 00:08:29,005 Like this-Movie Poop Shoot-dot-com. 171 00:08:29,172 --> 00:08:30,798 Poop shoot, yeah. 172 00:08:31,382 --> 00:08:33,758 This is a site populated by militant movie buffs. 173 00:08:33,925 --> 00:08:37,387 Sad, pathetic little bastards living in their parents' basement... 174 00:08:37,512 --> 00:08:40,848 downloading scripts and what they think is inside information... 175 00:08:41,056 --> 00:08:43,642 about movies and actors that they claim to despise yet... 176 00:08:43,809 --> 00:08:44,892 can't stop discussing. 177 00:08:45,143 --> 00:08:46,936 Okay, this is about Bluntman & Chronic. 178 00:08:47,061 --> 00:08:50,522 "Inside sources tell me Miramax is starting production this Friday..." 179 00:08:50,689 --> 00:08:53,900 "on their adaptation of underground comic fav Bluntman & Chronic." 180 00:08:54,109 --> 00:08:54,860 Friday? Shit. 181 00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:56,736 Does it say who's playing us in the movie? 182 00:08:56,902 --> 00:08:57,820 No, but it's Miramax, 183 00:08:57,987 --> 00:09:00,281 so I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. 184 00:09:00,448 --> 00:09:01,781 They put them in a bunch of movies. 185 00:09:01,948 --> 00:09:02,490 Who? 186 00:09:02,615 --> 00:09:04,617 Those kids from "Good Will Hunting". 187 00:09:04,743 --> 00:09:06,870 You mean that fucking movie with Mork from Ork in it? 188 00:09:06,911 --> 00:09:08,954 I wasn't a big fan either. 189 00:09:09,121 --> 00:09:11,541 But Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms". 190 00:09:11,791 --> 00:09:14,418 Word, bitch. "Phantoms" was a motherfucker! 191 00:09:17,379 --> 00:09:18,589 Here we go. 192 00:09:18,672 --> 00:09:19,839 This is the shoot back section. 193 00:09:20,006 --> 00:09:23,301 This is where the people get to chime in with their two cents. 194 00:09:23,426 --> 00:09:27,012 Here's a guy with the chick-magnet name "Wampa One"... 195 00:09:27,179 --> 00:09:29,848 opining on what he thinks about Bluntman & Chronic. 196 00:09:30,015 --> 00:09:30,681 He says... 197 00:09:30,806 --> 00:09:32,933 "Bluntman & Chronic and their stupid alter egos Jay & Silent Bob... 198 00:09:33,017 --> 00:09:35,102 "only work in small doses, if at all." 199 00:09:35,269 --> 00:09:37,187 "They don't deserve their own movie." 200 00:09:37,353 --> 00:09:37,979 He's got a point. 201 00:09:38,146 --> 00:09:39,606 Fuck him. What's the next one say? 202 00:09:39,773 --> 00:09:41,691 This is entitled "Fuck Them Up Their Stupid Asses". 203 00:09:41,858 --> 00:09:44,567 "Bluntman & Chronic is the worst comic I ever read." 204 00:09:44,775 --> 00:09:46,860 "Jay & Silent Bob are stupid characters." 205 00:09:47,069 --> 00:09:49,487 "A couple of stoners who spout dumb ass catch phrases..." 206 00:09:49,528 --> 00:09:51,906 "like a third rate Cheech & Chong, or Bill & Ted." 207 00:09:52,073 --> 00:09:57,202 "Fuck Jay & Silent Bob! Fuck them up their stupid asses!" 208 00:09:57,369 --> 00:09:59,162 Who the fuck said that shit? 209 00:09:59,329 --> 00:10:02,289 He calls himself Magnolia Fan. Check this one out. 210 00:10:02,331 --> 00:10:05,251 "Jay & Silent Bob are one-note jokes that only stoners laugh at." 211 00:10:05,377 --> 00:10:08,380 "They are fucking clown shoes." 212 00:10:08,546 --> 00:10:12,299 "If they were real I'd beat the shit out of them for being so stupid." 213 00:10:12,424 --> 00:10:14,968 "I will be boycotting this movie. Who is with me?" 214 00:10:15,135 --> 00:10:17,428 Then there's fifty more posts of people... 215 00:10:17,595 --> 00:10:19,304 who are joining this guy's boycott. 216 00:10:19,554 --> 00:10:22,099 I'm gonna kill all these fucks. 217 00:10:22,182 --> 00:10:24,767 Let it go. They're not talking about you guys. 218 00:10:24,892 --> 00:10:26,644 They're talking about Bluntman & Chronic. 219 00:10:28,937 --> 00:10:30,146 But they said Jay & Silent Bob. 220 00:10:30,313 --> 00:10:31,314 They used our real names. 221 00:10:31,481 --> 00:10:33,483 It doesn't matter if there's a comic version... 222 00:10:33,650 --> 00:10:36,527 because no one knows we're real in real life. 223 00:10:36,694 --> 00:10:40,530 And all the people reading that shit think the real Jay & Silent Bob... 224 00:10:40,697 --> 00:10:42,949 are a couple of jerk-offs because of what these dick-heads... 225 00:10:43,116 --> 00:10:45,284 are writing about the comic Jay & Silent Bob. 226 00:10:45,451 --> 00:10:48,995 Maybe one night me and lunch-box are making some chick and she says... 227 00:10:49,162 --> 00:10:52,373 "Oooh, I want to suck your dicks off. 228 00:10:52,581 --> 00:10:54,041 What're your names?" 229 00:10:54,208 --> 00:10:57,168 And I say "Jay & Silent Bob. Recognize." 230 00:10:57,293 --> 00:10:59,336 And she says "I read on the internet that..." 231 00:10:59,503 --> 00:11:02,757 "you guys were a couple of little fucking jerk-offs." 232 00:11:02,924 --> 00:11:05,551 And then she goes and sucks two other guys dicks off instead. 233 00:11:05,676 --> 00:11:07,470 Fuck that! 234 00:11:07,637 --> 00:11:09,347 We got to put a stop to these fucking hateful... 235 00:11:09,555 --> 00:11:12,307 sons of bitches before they ruin our good names. 236 00:11:12,474 --> 00:11:14,268 First of all, I don't know how good your names are... 237 00:11:14,435 --> 00:11:16,978 and second, there's not much you can do about stopping this bile. 238 00:11:17,103 --> 00:11:18,604 The internet has given everyone in America a voice... 239 00:11:18,771 --> 00:11:21,188 and everyone in America has chosen to use that voice... 240 00:11:21,313 --> 00:11:22,189 to bitch about movies. 241 00:11:22,314 --> 00:11:23,607 As long as there's Bluntman & Chronic movie... 242 00:11:23,774 --> 00:11:26,985 the net nerds are gonna have something negative to say. 243 00:11:27,193 --> 00:11:28,194 Wait a second. 244 00:11:28,445 --> 00:11:30,905 If there wasn't a Bluntman & Chronic movie... 245 00:11:30,947 --> 00:11:33,406 then those fuckers wouldn't be saying shit about Jay & Silent Bob. 246 00:11:33,656 --> 00:11:36,159 They're not saying anything about you now. 247 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,744 They're talking about fictional characters. 248 00:11:38,910 --> 00:11:41,413 Fictional characters. 249 00:11:41,580 --> 00:11:44,623 Am I getting through to you at all? 250 00:11:44,665 --> 00:11:47,668 So all we gotta do is stop the fucking movie from getting made. 251 00:11:47,877 --> 00:11:51,087 And forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars... 252 00:11:51,254 --> 00:11:53,340 that you two would be entitled to in the process. 253 00:11:53,506 --> 00:11:54,799 Are you fucking retarded? 254 00:11:54,966 --> 00:11:57,676 I don't think I'm alone in the world... 255 00:11:57,885 --> 00:12:00,680 Greedo shooting first. 256 00:12:00,847 --> 00:12:04,266 A Jay & Silent Bob movie? 257 00:12:04,433 --> 00:12:07,228 Who'd pay to see that? 258 00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:13,565 But, since it appears inevitable, I recommend that you... 259 00:12:13,732 --> 00:12:17,194 go hunt Banky down and get your mother fucking movie check... 260 00:12:17,402 --> 00:12:20,029 as you succinctly put it, because that's what's important, right? 261 00:12:20,196 --> 00:12:22,865 No, Holden McNeil. 262 00:12:23,032 --> 00:12:25,492 The important thing here is a bunch of mother fuckers... 263 00:12:25,700 --> 00:12:28,411 we don't even know calling us assholes on the internet... 264 00:12:28,495 --> 00:12:31,205 to teenagers and guys who can't even get laid. 265 00:12:31,372 --> 00:12:34,166 Putting a stop to that is the most important thing we could ever do. 266 00:12:34,208 --> 00:12:36,834 When is this movie getting made? 267 00:12:37,001 --> 00:12:38,294 They start this Friday. 268 00:12:38,461 --> 00:12:42,590 So, if today is Tuesday, that gives us... 269 00:12:44,424 --> 00:12:46,008 eight days. 270 00:12:46,175 --> 00:12:48,010 Three by my count, but close. 271 00:12:48,177 --> 00:12:49,844 My bad. 272 00:12:50,011 --> 00:12:53,264 Three days to stop that fucking stupid movie from getting made. 273 00:12:53,431 --> 00:12:56,266 C'mon, Silent Bob- we're going to Hollywood. 274 00:13:18,327 --> 00:13:18,995 Tickets? 275 00:13:19,161 --> 00:13:21,371 Since when did they start charging for the bus? 276 00:13:21,538 --> 00:13:24,748 Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free? 277 00:13:28,794 --> 00:13:29,752 This sucks balls, man. 278 00:13:29,919 --> 00:13:31,879 How come we ain't getting no rides? 279 00:13:32,630 --> 00:13:35,090 Because you're doing it all wrong. 280 00:13:36,341 --> 00:13:40,053 You gotta give the driver a little incentive. 281 00:13:40,262 --> 00:13:41,512 Like how? 282 00:13:41,679 --> 00:13:42,847 Like this. 283 00:13:45,266 --> 00:13:46,683 But what happens when they pick you up and you don't... 284 00:13:46,725 --> 00:13:48,101 make with the head? 285 00:13:48,268 --> 00:13:49,728 Don't they kick your ass to the curb? 286 00:13:49,894 --> 00:13:52,563 Sure, if you don't make with the head. 287 00:13:56,526 --> 00:14:00,111 Yeah. If it'll get me a couple hundred miles across the country... 288 00:14:00,278 --> 00:14:02,614 I'll take a shot in the mouth. 289 00:14:02,781 --> 00:14:04,282 But we ain't gay. 290 00:14:04,449 --> 00:14:06,826 Don't be so suburban. 291 00:14:06,951 --> 00:14:08,286 It's the new millennium. 292 00:14:08,453 --> 00:14:11,580 Gay, straight- it's all the same now. 293 00:14:11,747 --> 00:14:13,874 There are no more lines. 294 00:14:14,499 --> 00:14:17,376 There's a line, and on the side of it we ain't gay. 295 00:14:17,501 --> 00:14:20,212 All the hitchers do this. 296 00:14:20,463 --> 00:14:22,422 Why do you think people pick us up? 297 00:14:22,589 --> 00:14:24,632 If you get a ride, it's expected. 298 00:14:24,758 --> 00:14:27,052 I don't care who the driver is. 299 00:14:27,218 --> 00:14:30,262 It's the first rule in the book. 300 00:14:30,429 --> 00:14:31,930 What book? 301 00:14:32,056 --> 00:14:34,930 The unwritten book of the road. 302 00:14:50,943 --> 00:14:53,238 Follow the rules of the book... 303 00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:55,532 and you'll get where you're going in no time. 304 00:14:55,699 --> 00:14:57,408 Excuse me. 305 00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:27,100 You both don't have to sit back there. 306 00:15:27,225 --> 00:15:29,852 Why doesn't one of you come sit next to me? 307 00:15:36,900 --> 00:15:38,192 Where are you boys from? 308 00:15:38,359 --> 00:15:39,694 New Jersey. 309 00:15:39,735 --> 00:15:41,028 But we're on our way to Hollywood. 310 00:15:41,195 --> 00:15:44,072 Hollywood, huh? That's far away. 311 00:15:44,239 --> 00:15:46,366 Thank God you picked us up. 312 00:15:46,533 --> 00:15:50,034 Do unto others- that's what the book says. 313 00:15:50,284 --> 00:15:52,579 Wait a second- you follow the book too? 314 00:15:52,788 --> 00:15:54,789 I live my life by it. 315 00:15:54,831 --> 00:15:56,791 - You? - Of course. 316 00:15:56,958 --> 00:16:00,045 So you live by the book, too? 317 00:16:00,254 --> 00:16:03,715 You picked us up, didn't you? I have to. 318 00:16:04,299 --> 00:16:05,508 That's good to hear... 319 00:16:05,717 --> 00:16:09,011 but it's a lot easier to say you live by the book... 320 00:16:09,177 --> 00:16:11,512 than to actually do it. 321 00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:15,682 Can you do it? All right. 322 00:16:34,989 --> 00:16:36,239 I can't believe this shit. 323 00:16:36,406 --> 00:16:37,657 Five hours and not a single ride. 324 00:16:37,824 --> 00:16:41,244 Every day people hitch to Hollywood... 325 00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:44,371 but when you and me try it's like we're trapped in a fucking cartoon. 326 00:17:01,428 --> 00:17:03,138 Zoinks. 327 00:17:03,305 --> 00:17:05,222 Now we can finally solve the mystery of the hitchhiking ghouls. 328 00:17:05,431 --> 00:17:07,683 Pull off their masks and let's see who they really are. 329 00:17:08,309 --> 00:17:09,310 I don't think they are masks. 330 00:17:09,435 --> 00:17:12,187 And I don't think they're hitchhiking girls, either. 331 00:17:12,395 --> 00:17:14,606 Ghouls, you fucking moron, not girls. 332 00:17:14,773 --> 00:17:17,274 I wish they were hitchhiking girl. 333 00:17:17,358 --> 00:17:19,818 Sexy, hitchhiking girls. 334 00:17:19,985 --> 00:17:20,778 Let's kick them out. 335 00:17:20,903 --> 00:17:22,278 We have a mystery to solve. 336 00:17:22,445 --> 00:17:24,697 The only mystery here is why we take our cues... 337 00:17:24,906 --> 00:17:27,116 from a dick in a neckerchief. 338 00:17:27,283 --> 00:17:28,033 Keep it up, beatnik. 339 00:17:28,158 --> 00:17:29,409 I'll feed you to the fucking dog. 340 00:17:29,576 --> 00:17:32,287 I can't take all this fighting. 341 00:17:35,331 --> 00:17:37,624 You guys need to turn those frowns upside down. 342 00:17:37,832 --> 00:17:39,875 And I got just the thing for that. 343 00:17:40,626 --> 00:17:42,378 We call it... 344 00:17:42,586 --> 00:17:44,505 doobie snacks. 345 00:18:06,899 --> 00:18:09,109 Hi, Jay and Silent Bob. 346 00:18:14,238 --> 00:18:15,613 I think they passed out. 347 00:18:15,822 --> 00:18:18,241 Great. What do we do with them now? 348 00:18:18,408 --> 00:18:20,742 Let's cut out their kidneys and sell them on the black market... 349 00:18:20,909 --> 00:18:23,870 and leave them in a seedy motel bathtub full of ice. 350 00:18:32,836 --> 00:18:33,586 You see something? 351 00:18:33,795 --> 00:18:35,213 Anything? 352 00:18:35,380 --> 00:18:37,632 I had a horrible dream. 353 00:18:39,425 --> 00:18:40,301 Man, I'm hungry. 354 00:18:40,509 --> 00:18:42,344 Where can we get some breakfast? 355 00:18:54,314 --> 00:18:55,480 Yeah. 356 00:19:02,403 --> 00:19:04,030 Check that shit out. 357 00:19:04,155 --> 00:19:05,114 The internet. 358 00:19:05,239 --> 00:19:06,741 Let's see if those fucks wrote something new about us... 359 00:19:06,906 --> 00:19:08,241 or that stupid-ass flick. 360 00:19:11,661 --> 00:19:15,122 "Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob are gonna lick balls..." 361 00:19:15,289 --> 00:19:17,625 "because they both, in fact, lick balls." 362 00:19:17,833 --> 00:19:19,125 Mother fucker. 363 00:19:19,292 --> 00:19:20,960 It's time we wrote something back. 364 00:19:21,127 --> 00:19:22,086 Type this shit down. 365 00:19:23,462 --> 00:19:25,670 All you mother fuckers are gonna pay. 366 00:19:25,879 --> 00:19:29,132 You are the ones who are the ball lickers. 367 00:19:29,299 --> 00:19:31,842 We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry... 368 00:19:32,051 --> 00:19:33,427 like little whiny bitches. 369 00:19:33,510 --> 00:19:34,887 One we get to Hollywood... 370 00:19:35,054 --> 00:19:37,305 and find those Miramax fucks who are making the movie... 371 00:19:37,430 --> 00:19:40,892 we're gonna make them eat our shit- then shit out our shit... 372 00:19:41,059 --> 00:19:44,187 and eat their shit that's made up of our shit that we make them eat. 373 00:19:44,228 --> 00:19:47,315 And then all you mother fucks are next. 374 00:19:47,898 --> 00:19:50,317 Love, Jay & Silent Bob. 375 00:19:50,902 --> 00:19:52,278 That'll show those fucks. 376 00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:53,654 Now we can eat our Egga-Mooby Muffin 377 00:19:53,820 --> 00:19:56,531 then get back on the road, go to Hollywood and stop those fucks... 378 00:19:56,698 --> 00:19:57,991 from making that movie. 379 00:19:58,200 --> 00:19:59,825 No more hairy bush nuns, no more dogs. 380 00:19:59,992 --> 00:20:01,660 We keep our eye on the prize. 381 00:20:01,743 --> 00:20:03,411 And let nothing... 382 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,746 and I mean nothing distract us. 383 00:20:15,922 --> 00:20:18,298 Holy shit! 384 00:21:19,015 --> 00:21:19,974 Oh, my God. 385 00:21:20,141 --> 00:21:21,975 Do you get free refills with that? 386 00:21:22,142 --> 00:21:24,227 This? No, I use this for protection. 387 00:21:24,394 --> 00:21:27,813 So that no guys try to grab my shit or anything. 388 00:21:28,689 --> 00:21:30,190 Hi, I'm Justice. 389 00:21:30,900 --> 00:21:32,567 And I am so fucking yours. 390 00:21:34,319 --> 00:21:35,320 I mean- hi, I'm Jay. 391 00:21:35,904 --> 00:21:38,197 And this is my hetero life-mate, Silent Bob. 392 00:21:38,364 --> 00:21:39,407 It's nice to meet you. 393 00:21:39,574 --> 00:21:41,784 Justice, huh? That's a nice name. 394 00:21:41,951 --> 00:21:45,120 Jay and Justice sitting in a tree... 395 00:21:45,287 --> 00:21:48,041 f-u-c-k-i-n-g. 396 00:21:48,207 --> 00:21:50,250 So you come around here often? 397 00:21:50,417 --> 00:21:52,460 I'm not from around here. 398 00:21:52,501 --> 00:21:54,503 My friends and I are on a road trip. 399 00:21:54,670 --> 00:21:55,670 Friends, huh? 400 00:21:55,837 --> 00:21:56,713 Where are they at? 401 00:21:56,880 --> 00:22:00,592 Out there by that van. 402 00:22:23,194 --> 00:22:23,986 Hi. 403 00:22:24,195 --> 00:22:26,863 Dude, I think I just filled the cup. 404 00:22:29,448 --> 00:22:34,244 Ladies, ladies, ladies - Jay and Silent Bob are in the house. 405 00:22:34,911 --> 00:22:36,954 Who the fuck are these guys? 406 00:22:37,162 --> 00:22:39,873 This is Jay and Silent Bob. 407 00:22:39,915 --> 00:22:42,541 Guys, this is Sissy, Missy and Chrissy. 408 00:22:42,708 --> 00:22:44,919 Where the fuck did they come from? 409 00:22:45,086 --> 00:22:45,754 I met them inside. 410 00:22:45,963 --> 00:22:46,755 They're gonna hitch a ride. 411 00:22:47,172 --> 00:22:49,423 I don't know if that's such a good idea 412 00:22:49,590 --> 00:22:51,342 Sure it is, Jugs. 413 00:22:51,384 --> 00:22:53,094 Oh, my God! 414 00:22:53,302 --> 00:22:54,803 He just called Sissy "Jugs". 415 00:22:54,970 --> 00:22:56,680 - I'm on it. - Chrissy, no! 416 00:22:56,846 --> 00:22:57,973 We're in the middle of suburbia. 417 00:22:58,181 --> 00:22:59,349 Let's try and act like it. 418 00:22:59,516 --> 00:23:00,266 What's with the knife? 419 00:23:00,391 --> 00:23:01,433 We having cake or something? 420 00:23:01,642 --> 00:23:02,935 Shit. 421 00:23:03,102 --> 00:23:04,269 He's retarded to boot. 422 00:23:04,435 --> 00:23:06,478 She called you retarded. 423 00:23:06,687 --> 00:23:08,021 What is wrong with you, Justice? 424 00:23:08,230 --> 00:23:09,773 You do remember where we're going, don't you? 425 00:23:10,023 --> 00:23:11,399 And we have a job to do. 426 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:12,817 They're just gonna tag along for a few miles. 427 00:23:12,984 --> 00:23:14,318 They won't get in the way, I swear. 428 00:23:14,527 --> 00:23:17,029 I swear I don't know what's going on in your fucking brain lately. 429 00:23:17,279 --> 00:23:18,655 Please? 430 00:23:18,822 --> 00:23:20,448 Fine, they can ride with us. 431 00:23:20,574 --> 00:23:22,909 But they are so out of here before we get to Boulder. 432 00:23:23,075 --> 00:23:23,951 Honest injun. 433 00:23:24,118 --> 00:23:26,161 - Honest injun. - Shut up. 434 00:23:26,203 --> 00:23:28,163 I can't believe what a pushover you are 435 00:23:28,330 --> 00:23:30,957 And I can't believe fine-ass bitches like yourself eat that shit. 436 00:23:31,124 --> 00:23:33,210 Don't you know fast food makes girls fart? 437 00:23:33,377 --> 00:23:35,837 What's all this talk about farting? 438 00:23:36,045 --> 00:23:39,173 Hi, Brent. 439 00:23:39,340 --> 00:23:42,341 This is Brent. He's with us, too. 440 00:23:42,383 --> 00:23:45,220 Brent, tell these sillies that girls don't fart. 441 00:23:45,429 --> 00:23:47,722 Of course they don't. 442 00:23:47,930 --> 00:23:50,224 Only skeevy stoners fart. 443 00:23:50,516 --> 00:23:51,767 What up, homies? 444 00:23:51,893 --> 00:23:55,186 Wow, three guys, four girls. 445 00:23:55,353 --> 00:23:57,272 What's the count, boys? 446 00:23:57,439 --> 00:23:58,606 Let's rock. 447 00:23:59,481 --> 00:24:01,984 Dear Mr. Science guy... 448 00:24:02,192 --> 00:24:05,111 don't spray that aerosol in my eye. 449 00:24:07,780 --> 00:24:11,949 I don't really want to die. 450 00:24:12,116 --> 00:24:14,285 I'm a noble rabbit. 451 00:24:15,493 --> 00:24:17,453 What are you guys, a cover band or something? 452 00:24:17,703 --> 00:24:20,122 We're the Kansas state chapter of SAAC- 453 00:24:20,289 --> 00:24:22,207 Students Against Animal Cruelty. 454 00:24:22,373 --> 00:24:25,835 We're on our way to Colorado to give Provasik a piece of our minds. 455 00:24:27,961 --> 00:24:31,007 What the fuck are you bitches babbling about? 456 00:24:31,174 --> 00:24:33,675 Hey! Watch the language, little boy. 457 00:24:33,759 --> 00:24:36,220 There are females present. 458 00:24:36,386 --> 00:24:40,306 Provasik Pharmaceuticals is a medical lab where they perform... 459 00:24:40,473 --> 00:24:42,142 gross experiments on animals. 460 00:24:42,309 --> 00:24:46,145 What kind of animals are we talking about? Bears, Rhinos? 461 00:24:46,354 --> 00:24:47,730 No! 462 00:24:47,980 --> 00:24:51,775 More like dogs, cats, rabbits, muskrats, beavers. 463 00:24:51,942 --> 00:24:53,651 Heck, even monkeys. 464 00:24:53,817 --> 00:24:56,110 If we don't speak up for them, who will? 465 00:24:56,152 --> 00:24:58,446 Right, Jussy? 466 00:24:58,571 --> 00:25:00,156 Right, Brent. 467 00:25:05,327 --> 00:25:08,037 Brent, can I talk to you over here for a second? 468 00:25:16,086 --> 00:25:19,755 Be honest, you're down with this for the fine-ass pussy, right? 469 00:25:19,964 --> 00:25:23,551 I'm down with this because I love animals, stupid. 470 00:25:24,510 --> 00:25:25,593 Even sheep? 471 00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:26,678 Of course. 472 00:25:26,803 --> 00:25:29,013 Sheep are beautiful creatures. 473 00:25:29,180 --> 00:25:30,890 They are beautiful, aren't they? 474 00:25:30,932 --> 00:25:32,599 Oh God, yes. 475 00:25:33,308 --> 00:25:35,018 So that means you'd fuck a sheep, right? 476 00:25:35,143 --> 00:25:37,103 What is your damage, little boy? 477 00:25:37,270 --> 00:25:39,480 You have a sick and twisted world perspective. 478 00:25:39,647 --> 00:25:43,025 You're misunderstanding me, Prince Valiant. 479 00:25:43,234 --> 00:25:45,361 I mean if you were another sheep. 480 00:25:45,486 --> 00:25:48,280 Would you fuck a sheep if you were another sheep? 481 00:25:50,531 --> 00:25:53,117 Since you put it that way... 482 00:25:53,325 --> 00:25:54,243 you bet your ass I would. 483 00:25:55,034 --> 00:25:57,161 I thought so. 484 00:25:58,079 --> 00:25:59,330 This mother fucker ain't one of us. 485 00:25:59,497 --> 00:26:01,415 He said he'd fuck a sheep. 486 00:26:04,376 --> 00:26:07,335 Now who's stupid, you dirty sheep fucker? 487 00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:21,472 - What the fuck are we gonna do? - Shut up, I'm thinking. 488 00:26:22,307 --> 00:26:24,016 Is Hollywood near where we're going? 489 00:26:24,183 --> 00:26:25,935 Is that where you guys are from? 490 00:26:26,102 --> 00:26:26,811 Yeah, right. 491 00:26:27,061 --> 00:26:28,938 Jersey represent. 492 00:26:29,063 --> 00:26:30,898 Oh, a Jersey boy. 493 00:26:31,148 --> 00:26:33,150 What brings you all the way out here? 494 00:26:33,358 --> 00:26:34,735 We couldn't hang around the Quick-Stop no more... 495 00:26:34,776 --> 00:26:36,152 because of the restraining order. 496 00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:37,445 Which sucks ass... 497 00:26:37,570 --> 00:26:40,157 because it's been mine and Silent Bob's home since we were kinds. 498 00:26:40,324 --> 00:26:42,741 Silent Bob even busted his cherry there 499 00:26:42,782 --> 00:26:45,076 You did? 500 00:26:45,285 --> 00:26:48,704 I bet she was a lucky girl. 501 00:26:50,497 --> 00:26:52,458 Fuck that fat fuck! 502 00:26:52,624 --> 00:26:54,834 I'm trying to tell a story. 503 00:26:55,001 --> 00:26:56,336 Sorry. 504 00:26:56,503 --> 00:26:58,420 We were talking to Brodie... 505 00:26:58,587 --> 00:27:00,422 and he told us about the Bluntman & Chronic movie... 506 00:27:00,589 --> 00:27:02,716 so we went to see Holden McNeil and he showed us the internet... 507 00:27:02,925 --> 00:27:05,092 and that's where we found all those little fucking jerk-offs... 508 00:27:05,301 --> 00:27:06,135 talking shit about us. 509 00:27:06,302 --> 00:27:07,386 So we decided to go to Hollywood... 510 00:27:07,553 --> 00:27:09,180 and stop the movie from getting made. 511 00:27:09,347 --> 00:27:10,847 And now we're here. 512 00:27:10,972 --> 00:27:12,641 I have no idea what you just said. 513 00:27:12,724 --> 00:27:14,351 I get that a lot. 514 00:27:14,518 --> 00:27:15,893 So, you like animals, huh? 515 00:27:16,101 --> 00:27:17,144 Sure. 516 00:27:17,269 --> 00:27:18,770 That's cool. Even snakes? 517 00:27:18,937 --> 00:27:21,481 You can't exclude an animal just because they're not cuddly. 518 00:27:21,647 --> 00:27:23,023 Of course I like snakes. 519 00:27:23,190 --> 00:27:25,150 How about trouser snakes? 520 00:27:25,567 --> 00:27:27,194 What's a trouser snake? 521 00:27:31,948 --> 00:27:33,823 What the fuck are you waiting for. 522 00:27:33,990 --> 00:27:35,909 She went for the set-up... 523 00:27:35,951 --> 00:27:37,745 reach in your pants and pull your cock out, bitch. 524 00:27:37,995 --> 00:27:40,205 Girls like that kind of shit. 525 00:27:42,791 --> 00:27:44,876 Right here is where the angel is supposed to show up... 526 00:27:45,042 --> 00:27:46,377 and tell you not to pull your dick out, 527 00:27:46,502 --> 00:27:49,213 but we bitch-slapped that mother fucker and sent him packing... 528 00:27:49,421 --> 00:27:51,130 so it's smooth sailing. 529 00:27:51,297 --> 00:27:53,132 Let him rip, boy. 530 00:27:58,302 --> 00:28:02,597 "Jesus loves the little children". 531 00:28:02,764 --> 00:28:04,099 Sorry I'm late. 532 00:28:04,224 --> 00:28:06,434 What's the deal? 533 00:28:07,227 --> 00:28:09,562 Oh, shit-don't tell me you're thinking of whipping your dick out... 534 00:28:09,770 --> 00:28:12,189 at this fine piece of woman, are you? 535 00:28:13,148 --> 00:28:17,026 Look over at Silent Bob and see if he thinks it's a good idea... 536 00:28:17,193 --> 00:28:19,279 to whip your dick out. 537 00:28:21,197 --> 00:28:24,117 That's it. Put the dick down. 538 00:28:24,284 --> 00:28:25,535 You got to go from heart. 539 00:28:25,701 --> 00:28:29,663 No little perv bullshit is gonna work for this one. 540 00:28:29,830 --> 00:28:32,998 Be smooth. Be Don Juan De La Nooch. 541 00:28:33,623 --> 00:28:36,586 I gotta go beat the shit out of two sucker punching little bitches. 542 00:28:36,752 --> 00:28:39,921 Remember- don't pull your dick out until she asks. 543 00:28:40,463 --> 00:28:42,507 Or until she's sleeping. 544 00:28:47,761 --> 00:28:48,679 Don't ask. 545 00:28:48,888 --> 00:28:50,305 So what can a smooth pimp-daddy like me... 546 00:28:50,388 --> 00:28:51,806 do to help the animals? 547 00:28:52,015 --> 00:28:55,767 You really don't want to help us. 548 00:28:55,934 --> 00:28:56,685 What are you talking about? 549 00:28:56,852 --> 00:29:00,146 Sure I do. I'd do anything for you. 550 00:29:01,104 --> 00:29:03,523 I mean youse guys- I 'd do anything for youse guys. 551 00:29:03,690 --> 00:29:05,233 Because of the lift and shit. 552 00:29:05,442 --> 00:29:10,153 Okay. Let me talk to the other girls and get back to you. 553 00:29:10,320 --> 00:29:11,529 You do that. 554 00:29:11,738 --> 00:29:13,280 I'll be right here waiting. 555 00:29:29,128 --> 00:29:31,171 Fuck you, fatty. 556 00:29:51,355 --> 00:29:52,898 You guys want anything from inside? 557 00:29:53,064 --> 00:29:54,148 No, we're cool. 558 00:30:20,254 --> 00:30:21,880 It just isn't the same, is it? 559 00:30:22,755 --> 00:30:25,716 This place licks balls compared to the Quick-Stop. 560 00:30:25,883 --> 00:30:28,426 Speaking of licking balls- how about that Justice chick? 561 00:30:28,593 --> 00:30:29,970 She is too fine. 562 00:30:30,095 --> 00:30:32,515 And she smells so fucking pretty. 563 00:30:33,182 --> 00:30:36,308 She has a nice voice, too. And that body! 564 00:30:36,433 --> 00:30:37,935 Fucking smoking. 565 00:30:38,102 --> 00:30:40,937 She didn't tell me to fuck off once when I was talking to her... 566 00:30:41,104 --> 00:30:43,022 or pull out the pepper spray. 567 00:30:43,189 --> 00:30:47,025 You know, lunch box-she could be the one. 568 00:30:48,777 --> 00:30:50,112 - Smooth move, Justice. 569 00:30:50,279 --> 00:30:51,779 - Nice going, four eyes. 570 00:30:52,697 --> 00:30:55,116 Why did you let that stoner throw Brent out of the van? 571 00:30:55,324 --> 00:30:57,575 If I had to listen to one more of those stupid songs... 572 00:30:57,783 --> 00:30:59,410 I was gonna throw him out myself. 573 00:30:59,493 --> 00:31:01,078 We needed Brent. 574 00:31:01,287 --> 00:31:02,663 He was our patsy, remember? 575 00:31:02,871 --> 00:31:04,205 We'll just find someone else. 576 00:31:04,414 --> 00:31:06,583 Besides, I didn't see you try to stop Jay from throwing him out. 577 00:31:06,749 --> 00:31:08,625 I didn't want to blow our cover. 578 00:31:08,667 --> 00:31:10,461 Cover? You all hated his songs, too. 579 00:31:10,669 --> 00:31:11,753 Not as much as I hate you. 580 00:31:11,920 --> 00:31:13,839 We have a very simple gang. 581 00:31:13,964 --> 00:31:16,091 I'm the brains, Chrissy's the brawn and Missy's the tech girl. 582 00:31:16,258 --> 00:31:19,219 But lately I'm can't figure out what you're doing here. 583 00:31:19,386 --> 00:31:21,137 Your name doesn't even fit the rhyme scheme. 584 00:31:21,262 --> 00:31:22,472 Since you let our patsy slip away... 585 00:31:22,638 --> 00:31:25,266 you have to convince the little kid and the fat guy to take his place. 586 00:31:25,433 --> 00:31:27,392 They've gotta break into Provasik now. 587 00:31:29,437 --> 00:31:31,272 You'll do it or you're out of the gang. 588 00:31:31,481 --> 00:31:33,481 Just use the little one's crush on you to convince him... 589 00:31:33,647 --> 00:31:36,108 since he's so fucking in love with you. 590 00:31:36,275 --> 00:31:37,817 Jay? No, he's not. 591 00:31:37,984 --> 00:31:39,027 Am I blind? 592 00:31:39,194 --> 00:31:40,653 He wasn't kissing your hand in the van... 593 00:31:40,862 --> 00:31:42,697 like he was Lord Byron? 594 00:31:42,906 --> 00:31:45,199 Maybe he has manners? 595 00:31:46,909 --> 00:31:50,077 You ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat? 596 00:31:52,914 --> 00:31:54,415 We've got about two hours before we get to Boulder. 597 00:31:54,540 --> 00:31:56,291 That'll give you plenty of time to work on him. 598 00:31:56,333 --> 00:31:58,001 - I'm not gonna do it. - Why the fuck not? 599 00:31:58,168 --> 00:32:00,170 Because he's just so innocent. 600 00:32:00,337 --> 00:32:01,295 Look at him. 601 00:32:04,006 --> 00:32:04,340 Who's it gonna be? 602 00:32:04,548 --> 00:32:05,966 Him or us? 603 00:32:09,176 --> 00:32:11,845 Steal a monkey? No problem. 604 00:32:12,054 --> 00:32:13,888 It's not stealing a monkey. 605 00:32:14,055 --> 00:32:16,474 It's liberating it. It's- 606 00:32:16,641 --> 00:32:17,975 Wait a second. 607 00:32:18,142 --> 00:32:19,434 Did you say "no problem"? 608 00:32:19,559 --> 00:32:21,603 Yeah, we steal monkeys all the time. 609 00:32:21,770 --> 00:32:23,730 Right, lunch-box? 610 00:32:25,022 --> 00:32:26,899 It's not like it's a bad thing. 611 00:32:27,066 --> 00:32:29,111 It's for a good cause. 612 00:32:29,277 --> 00:32:31,487 It's for the best cause, mon cheri. 613 00:32:31,570 --> 00:32:33,739 The cause of love. 614 00:32:34,907 --> 00:32:36,324 Snoogens. 615 00:32:36,533 --> 00:32:37,742 What the heck is that? 616 00:32:37,951 --> 00:32:40,578 - What? - Snoogens, I believe. 617 00:32:40,745 --> 00:32:42,079 What the fuck do you think it means? 618 00:32:42,287 --> 00:32:44,206 It means I'm kidding. 619 00:32:44,414 --> 00:32:46,582 That's too bad. 620 00:32:53,629 --> 00:32:58,384 I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealing a monkey. 621 00:33:01,302 --> 00:33:02,512 If I'd known that earlier... 622 00:33:02,679 --> 00:33:05,556 I'd have been stealing monkeys since I was seven. 623 00:33:05,597 --> 00:33:08,434 Don't, mother fucker- don't you ruin this for me. 624 00:33:08,600 --> 00:33:10,687 Me and Justice are gonna get married some day... 625 00:33:10,728 --> 00:33:12,771 so don't be giving me no look like we ain't gonna steal the monkey. 626 00:33:12,980 --> 00:33:14,648 I'm Morris Day, you're Jerome, bitch! 627 00:33:14,690 --> 00:33:16,233 Don't forget that. 628 00:33:16,400 --> 00:33:19,610 That girl- that girl is in love with me 629 00:33:19,819 --> 00:33:21,362 They're gonna do it. 630 00:33:21,529 --> 00:33:22,570 Good. 631 00:33:22,736 --> 00:33:24,738 They do their part and we'll do ours. 632 00:33:41,003 --> 00:33:43,297 Remember- we meet back here when you're done. 633 00:33:43,881 --> 00:33:44,840 Are you sure you're okay with this? 634 00:33:45,007 --> 00:33:47,800 Sure as I am that you're the hottest bitch I've ever seen. 635 00:33:48,009 --> 00:33:49,301 Easy... 636 00:33:49,468 --> 00:33:51,219 What's twisting this bitch's tit? 637 00:33:51,344 --> 00:33:54,680 Maybe it's because women don't like to be called bitches, Jay. 638 00:33:54,847 --> 00:33:56,640 They don't? 639 00:33:56,807 --> 00:33:58,432 How about "fine piece of ass"? 640 00:33:58,557 --> 00:33:59,725 How about not. 641 00:33:59,892 --> 00:34:01,351 What the fuck am I supposed to call you? 642 00:34:01,560 --> 00:34:03,311 Something sweet, you big goof. 643 00:34:03,478 --> 00:34:06,189 Something nice. 644 00:34:06,355 --> 00:34:08,400 Boo-boo kitty fuck? 645 00:34:08,567 --> 00:34:12,361 Okay, that's a start. 646 00:34:12,528 --> 00:34:13,446 Jay, before you go... 647 00:34:13,654 --> 00:34:16,156 could you say something into the camera about the clitoris? 648 00:34:16,281 --> 00:34:18,617 - You are such a bitch! - Shut up, Justice. 649 00:34:18,825 --> 00:34:21,452 She's a little embarrassed. 650 00:34:21,494 --> 00:34:23,997 We're making a documentary for a human sexuality class... 651 00:34:24,164 --> 00:34:27,082 and we need a male perspective on the clitoris. 652 00:34:27,249 --> 00:34:28,793 The female clitoris? 653 00:34:28,959 --> 00:34:30,211 Yeah. 654 00:34:30,377 --> 00:34:31,796 Jay, you don't have to do this. 655 00:34:31,837 --> 00:34:33,129 It's cool. 656 00:34:33,671 --> 00:34:35,422 There's a few things I could say about the clit... 657 00:34:35,589 --> 00:34:38,092 that I'd like you to hear. 658 00:34:39,425 --> 00:34:41,803 I am the master of the clit. 659 00:34:41,969 --> 00:34:43,846 Remember this fucking face. 660 00:34:43,888 --> 00:34:45,722 Wherever you see clit, you'll see this fucking face. 661 00:34:45,889 --> 00:34:47,432 I make that shit work. 662 00:34:47,599 --> 00:34:49,184 No one rules the clit like me. 663 00:34:49,392 --> 00:34:50,351 Not this little fuck. 664 00:34:50,559 --> 00:34:52,686 None of you little fucks out there. 665 00:34:52,853 --> 00:34:55,064 I am the clit commander. 666 00:34:55,231 --> 00:34:57,398 When it comes down to business this is what I do. 667 00:34:57,565 --> 00:35:00,860 I pinch it like this- Oh, you little fuck. 668 00:35:01,610 --> 00:35:04,071 And then I rub my nose- 669 00:35:04,238 --> 00:35:06,908 Awesome. Knock 'em dead, tiger. 670 00:35:07,075 --> 00:35:07,950 I will. 671 00:35:08,117 --> 00:35:09,076 Girls. 672 00:35:11,202 --> 00:35:14,287 Do you think I could get a little kiss for good luck? 673 00:35:19,500 --> 00:35:23,171 Do you think I could get a little blow job for good luck? 674 00:35:23,964 --> 00:35:26,131 No. Go. 675 00:35:31,635 --> 00:35:33,345 Get off my Kool-Aid, mother fucker. 676 00:35:47,440 --> 00:35:49,190 Jussy, come on. 677 00:36:25,180 --> 00:36:27,515 - Are they in? - You could say that. 678 00:36:28,349 --> 00:36:29,725 Time to shine. Let's go. 679 00:37:27,064 --> 00:37:28,315 You are so gay. 680 00:37:35,571 --> 00:37:37,948 Once we get upstairs I want complete silence. 681 00:37:38,448 --> 00:37:40,366 Missy whipped this up- it counts our decibel level. 682 00:37:40,574 --> 00:37:42,326 If it goes into the red- alarm, we're dead. 683 00:37:42,952 --> 00:37:44,702 So that means not even the slightest noise, you got that? 684 00:37:44,828 --> 00:37:45,995 Got it. 685 00:37:56,004 --> 00:37:57,046 Justice, move your ass. 686 00:38:21,609 --> 00:38:23,027 Check this shit out, lunch-box. 687 00:38:23,236 --> 00:38:24,279 Animal tranquilizers. 688 00:38:24,404 --> 00:38:27,239 This shit fucks you up- like percosets. 689 00:38:31,075 --> 00:38:34,454 Keep this, so later me and Justice can shoot each other with it... 690 00:38:34,662 --> 00:38:36,997 and fuck like stoned test-bunnies. 691 00:38:59,974 --> 00:39:01,475 Suzanne. 692 00:39:03,060 --> 00:39:05,187 Boo-yah. 693 00:41:06,162 --> 00:41:08,705 Holy fuck! The little stoner was right! 694 00:41:21,257 --> 00:41:22,842 Boom-box. 695 00:41:23,676 --> 00:41:24,510 I can't believe it. 696 00:41:24,719 --> 00:41:25,219 Months of planning... 697 00:41:25,386 --> 00:41:26,845 and it's all blown by a fart. 698 00:41:27,012 --> 00:41:27,971 We can't just leave them here. 699 00:41:28,138 --> 00:41:29,890 That alarm will bring the cops any minute. 700 00:41:30,057 --> 00:41:31,640 That's always been the plan. 701 00:41:31,682 --> 00:41:33,225 They take the heat off us long enough 'til we can get out of town. 702 00:41:39,230 --> 00:41:42,025 Ka-boom! You little stoner fucks. 703 00:41:42,150 --> 00:41:43,984 Let's go! 704 00:41:57,953 --> 00:41:59,246 What are you looking at? 705 00:41:59,288 --> 00:42:00,539 There ain't no snacks here. 706 00:42:01,081 --> 00:42:01,748 We got what we came for. 707 00:42:01,956 --> 00:42:03,500 Let's get outta here. 708 00:42:07,252 --> 00:42:08,087 I know it's sad. 709 00:42:08,253 --> 00:42:10,340 But what are we supposed to do about it? 710 00:42:21,057 --> 00:42:22,684 Justice, open the door! 711 00:42:24,851 --> 00:42:26,019 Oh, shit! 712 00:42:34,526 --> 00:42:36,193 Drop the bag-now!!! 713 00:43:07,971 --> 00:43:10,056 Justice! 714 00:43:38,203 --> 00:43:40,121 You mind if I lean that there? 715 00:43:43,707 --> 00:43:45,084 My, oh my, oh my. 716 00:43:46,918 --> 00:43:49,129 Who let the cats out? 717 00:43:49,212 --> 00:43:51,380 Wait-is that-?? 718 00:43:51,589 --> 00:43:53,341 Excuse me, who the hell are you? 719 00:43:54,216 --> 00:43:55,384 Federal Wildlife Marshall. 720 00:43:55,551 --> 00:43:57,677 This investigation is now under my jurisdiction. 721 00:43:57,886 --> 00:43:58,553 Really? Why is that? 722 00:43:58,720 --> 00:44:01,598 Because someone let a whole mess of animals out of their cages, sir. 723 00:44:01,765 --> 00:44:03,432 We believe that was just a diversionary tactic used... 724 00:44:03,599 --> 00:44:06,478 to call attention away from the real heist at the Diamond Exchange. 725 00:44:06,603 --> 00:44:09,021 Yeah, right. That's a believable scenario. 726 00:44:09,063 --> 00:44:11,482 Sounds more like something out of a bad movie. 727 00:44:14,567 --> 00:44:17,903 The Provasik people say they've rounded up all their animals... 728 00:44:18,070 --> 00:44:21,072 except for one-an orangutan. 729 00:44:21,989 --> 00:44:24,075 The most dangerous animal known to man. 730 00:44:25,117 --> 00:44:26,660 Sir, this was just delivered to the station. 731 00:44:26,743 --> 00:44:28,244 What is it? 732 00:44:29,120 --> 00:44:31,331 It's a tape from the terrorists who claim responsibility for the break-in. 733 00:44:31,456 --> 00:44:33,374 Do you have a VCR? 734 00:44:33,415 --> 00:44:35,167 I am the clit commander. 735 00:44:35,376 --> 00:44:36,835 Oh, my God! 736 00:44:38,503 --> 00:44:40,004 Blafsky, it's Willenholly. 737 00:44:40,171 --> 00:44:43,092 I need you to get me on the national news, pronto. 738 00:44:43,258 --> 00:44:44,967 Why? 739 00:44:45,134 --> 00:44:46,844 Because we may be dealing with... 740 00:44:47,011 --> 00:44:49,138 the two most dangerous men on the planet. 741 00:44:57,852 --> 00:44:59,396 This is Jussy's monkey. 742 00:45:02,814 --> 00:45:04,942 Justice died for you, you little monkey fuck! 743 00:45:07,819 --> 00:45:09,153 Do something, tons of fun. 744 00:45:12,906 --> 00:45:15,200 Is that thing waving at us? 745 00:45:17,995 --> 00:45:19,495 It understood us. 746 00:45:20,371 --> 00:45:21,539 Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey? 747 00:45:28,336 --> 00:45:29,753 You're my bitch! 748 00:45:29,878 --> 00:45:30,878 You get my back. 749 00:45:31,045 --> 00:45:33,339 Don't go taking this fucking chimp's side. 750 00:45:47,893 --> 00:45:50,313 What if there are more super monkeys up at that lab? 751 00:45:50,521 --> 00:45:52,732 Maybe they're making an army of them up there? 752 00:45:53,149 --> 00:45:54,691 Holy shit! 753 00:45:54,858 --> 00:45:57,152 Maybe it's a conspiracy, like in the "X-Files"... 754 00:45:57,819 --> 00:45:59,112 Roswell style? 755 00:46:02,072 --> 00:46:04,826 This little monkey can be the fucking damn dirty apes 756 00:46:05,035 --> 00:46:08,244 responsible for fall of the human race 757 00:46:09,620 --> 00:46:12,664 and this world got mad we won't spank the monkey 758 00:46:12,831 --> 00:46:15,125 The monkey will spank us. 759 00:46:16,084 --> 00:46:19,962 I'm not even supposed to be here today. 760 00:46:20,129 --> 00:46:22,465 Eaten alive. 761 00:46:22,547 --> 00:46:24,883 Then these monkey fucks will start wearing our clothes... 762 00:46:25,008 --> 00:46:27,761 and rebuilding the world in their image 763 00:46:29,219 --> 00:46:30,512 And only those... 764 00:46:30,721 --> 00:46:36,059 as super smart will be left a live... 765 00:46:36,392 --> 00:46:37,518 You maniacs! 766 00:46:37,685 --> 00:46:39,020 Damn youse! 767 00:46:39,187 --> 00:46:43,606 God damn youse all to hell! 768 00:46:45,483 --> 00:46:47,567 Not on my watch, mother fucker. 769 00:46:47,776 --> 00:46:50,070 Die, you super-monkey fuck! 770 00:46:58,952 --> 00:47:01,580 Alright, you can live. For now. 771 00:47:04,040 --> 00:47:06,167 You see that shit. Bitches love me. 772 00:47:06,876 --> 00:47:07,752 Let's get something to eat. 773 00:47:10,545 --> 00:47:11,964 We ain't hiding in the woods no more. 774 00:47:12,005 --> 00:47:13,382 We gotta get to Hollywood. 775 00:47:14,007 --> 00:47:15,800 Besides, we're in the clear. 776 00:47:15,841 --> 00:47:17,593 It's not like anyone knows we stole the monkey. 777 00:47:20,886 --> 00:47:23,389 I'm Reg Hartner with an exclusive News Now bulletin. 778 00:47:23,555 --> 00:47:27,934 A Provasik animal testing facility in Boulder was the focus of an attack 779 00:47:28,101 --> 00:47:30,853 by a terroristic primate rescue syndicate calling themselves... 780 00:47:31,020 --> 00:47:34,773 The Coalition for Liberation of Itinerant Tree Dwellers... 781 00:47:34,982 --> 00:47:37,277 or simply C.L.I.T. 782 00:47:37,485 --> 00:47:39,653 In a videotape sent to authorities this morning... 783 00:47:39,903 --> 00:47:42,072 credit for the liberation of an orangutan from the lab last night... 784 00:47:42,197 --> 00:47:46,325 is taken by these men, identified in literature that accompanied the tape 785 00:47:46,492 --> 00:47:49,745 as Jay and Silent Bob. 786 00:47:49,911 --> 00:47:51,955 In this chilling clip, they make it very clear that they... 787 00:47:52,122 --> 00:47:55,124 are in control... of the C.L.I.T. 788 00:47:55,707 --> 00:47:57,166 We are the C.L.I.T. None of you are safe. 789 00:47:57,333 --> 00:47:59,628 Now tremble before my remorseless leader. 790 00:47:59,837 --> 00:48:02,171 I am the clit commander. 791 00:48:02,338 --> 00:48:03,339 Terrifying. 792 00:48:04,132 --> 00:48:05,008 Here to help us explain this footage... 793 00:48:05,133 --> 00:48:07,592 is Federal Wildlife Marshall Willenholly. 794 00:48:07,801 --> 00:48:09,261 Marshall, thanks for joining us. 795 00:48:09,428 --> 00:48:12,389 At this point, what can you tell us about the C.L.I.T? 796 00:48:12,431 --> 00:48:15,390 From the intelligence we've been gathering, we've discovered... 797 00:48:15,515 --> 00:48:19,310 that the C.L.I.T. Is actually a tiny offshoot of the L.A.B.I.A. 798 00:48:19,518 --> 00:48:21,145 The Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning Apes movement. 799 00:48:21,186 --> 00:48:22,813 Exactly. 800 00:48:22,938 --> 00:48:24,565 The two men that you saw in the video 801 00:48:24,772 --> 00:48:28,610 go by the obvious code names of Jay and Silent Bob. 802 00:48:28,651 --> 00:48:32,445 If anyone out there should come across them or any other Clitties... 803 00:48:32,612 --> 00:48:34,990 please exercise extreme caution. 804 00:48:35,198 --> 00:48:37,408 I told you that restraining order was a good idea. 805 00:48:37,450 --> 00:48:39,619 What response do you hope to elicit... 806 00:48:39,785 --> 00:48:42,245 by putting this kind of pressure on the C.L.I. T? 807 00:48:42,495 --> 00:48:43,663 It's a difficult situation. 808 00:48:43,872 --> 00:48:45,123 You don't want to rub the C.L.I.T. The wrong way. 809 00:48:45,290 --> 00:48:49,043 Nights like this, I miss dating a lesbian. 810 00:48:49,960 --> 00:48:51,128 Is that your cell phone, sir? 811 00:48:51,295 --> 00:48:54,964 Blavsky, give me a frigging break. 812 00:48:55,131 --> 00:48:55,882 I'm on my way. 813 00:48:56,090 --> 00:48:57,301 We've got them. They're in Utah. 814 00:48:57,468 --> 00:49:02,096 Citizens of Utah, stimulation of the C.L.I.T. Is not recommended. 815 00:49:02,847 --> 00:49:03,932 Your plan worked. 816 00:49:04,098 --> 00:49:07,309 The news is all about Jay and Bob's Provasik break-in. 817 00:49:07,517 --> 00:49:09,101 With almost no mention of the diamond heist. 818 00:49:09,143 --> 00:49:10,728 I told you those two were the perfect patsies. 819 00:49:10,853 --> 00:49:11,937 Don't you have any regret? 820 00:49:12,145 --> 00:49:13,647 Jay and Bob don't deserve this. 821 00:49:13,855 --> 00:49:15,899 They were really sweet. 822 00:49:15,941 --> 00:49:17,900 The only thing I regret is not gutting that trout-mouthed prick... 823 00:49:18,067 --> 00:49:20,819 like a fish and playing twister with his vitals. 824 00:49:21,946 --> 00:49:22,947 I don't get you, Justice. 825 00:49:23,196 --> 00:49:25,365 You used to be all about this girl stuff. 826 00:49:25,406 --> 00:49:27,450 Stealing, boning, blowing shit up. 827 00:49:27,617 --> 00:49:29,493 Now you're this little priss with a conscience. 828 00:49:29,618 --> 00:49:31,036 It's really a drag. 829 00:49:31,078 --> 00:49:32,497 We all have to grow up sometime. 830 00:49:32,664 --> 00:49:35,374 If moping around over some boy you've got a crush on is growing up... 831 00:49:35,540 --> 00:49:38,210 then pass me my Wonder-Woman Underoos. 832 00:49:38,961 --> 00:49:40,461 Marvelous Pizza coming through. 833 00:49:40,628 --> 00:49:42,588 You the guys who ordered the pizza? 834 00:49:42,755 --> 00:49:44,256 This dopey bitch ordered a large plain, 835 00:49:44,422 --> 00:49:48,175 but I could go for some ht, thick Sicilian. 836 00:49:49,343 --> 00:49:50,719 No charge, lady. 837 00:49:50,885 --> 00:49:51,928 Hurry. 838 00:49:58,684 --> 00:49:59,977 I'm sorry, Jay. 839 00:50:03,938 --> 00:50:06,023 Justice died trying to save this monkey 840 00:50:06,190 --> 00:50:07,650 so maybe we should keep it around. 841 00:50:07,817 --> 00:50:08,776 They way... 842 00:50:08,985 --> 00:50:11,111 we could honor her memory. 843 00:50:13,780 --> 00:50:15,823 Now ain't you glad we came here to eat? 844 00:50:15,990 --> 00:50:19,034 And you were all scared we'd get busted by the cops or something. 845 00:50:19,576 --> 00:50:20,785 You know what I say? 846 00:50:20,994 --> 00:50:21,952 Fuck the Police. 847 00:50:22,160 --> 00:50:24,788 Fuck-Fuck-Fuck the Police! 848 00:50:24,997 --> 00:50:27,039 Yo, fuck-fuck the Police! 849 00:50:27,081 --> 00:50:28,583 Yo, fuck-fuck the Police! 850 00:50:28,666 --> 00:50:30,127 Yo, fuck me! 851 00:50:30,294 --> 00:50:32,671 This is the Utah State Police. 852 00:50:33,337 --> 00:50:35,464 Boys, we know you're in there. 853 00:50:35,631 --> 00:50:38,009 Come on out with your hands in the air 854 00:50:38,217 --> 00:50:41,094 and surrender the orangutan. 855 00:50:41,303 --> 00:50:43,263 Think they're talking about us? 856 00:50:49,727 --> 00:50:51,894 Sorry. Don't shoot. Hold your fire. 857 00:50:52,604 --> 00:50:53,647 Who the hell are you? 858 00:50:53,897 --> 00:50:55,482 Federal Wildlife Marshall. 859 00:50:55,691 --> 00:50:56,733 Is the monkey in there? 860 00:50:56,982 --> 00:50:57,441 The ape. 861 00:50:57,649 --> 00:50:58,150 What? 862 00:50:58,317 --> 00:50:59,901 Orangutan is a member of the great ape family. 863 00:51:00,110 --> 00:51:00,819 It's not a monkey. 864 00:51:00,986 --> 00:51:02,904 Who's the Federal Wildlife Marshall here? 865 00:51:03,070 --> 00:51:04,238 Me or you? 866 00:51:04,405 --> 00:51:05,448 That's what thought. 867 00:51:05,489 --> 00:51:06,490 Can I use your- 868 00:51:09,618 --> 00:51:13,704 Jay and Silent Bob- Your C.L.I.T. Doesn't stand a chance. 869 00:51:13,746 --> 00:51:17,791 Anyone not harboring a fugitive monkey in there should hit the deck. 870 00:51:17,958 --> 00:51:19,126 We are going to open fire. 871 00:51:21,711 --> 00:51:22,754 What are you waiting for? 872 00:51:22,921 --> 00:51:24,505 Get out there and give them the monkey. 873 00:51:26,965 --> 00:51:28,717 Maybe it ain't so bad at that lab? 874 00:51:28,759 --> 00:51:30,469 Maybe they experiment on them... 875 00:51:30,636 --> 00:51:32,595 by making them fuck a bunch of different good-looking monkeys? 876 00:51:32,803 --> 00:51:33,970 We don't know. 877 00:51:34,721 --> 00:51:35,931 You stay out of this, you weepy little chimp. 878 00:51:36,097 --> 00:51:39,558 Fuck, you're the guy who makes the blueprints. 879 00:51:39,767 --> 00:51:42,144 I don't have the fucking smarts of a little... 880 00:51:45,939 --> 00:51:47,523 kid. 881 00:51:47,690 --> 00:51:48,941 Do not shoot! 882 00:51:52,070 --> 00:51:55,364 We're just trying to take our son out of this hostile environment. 883 00:51:55,489 --> 00:51:56,865 Their son? 884 00:51:57,032 --> 00:51:58,533 Maybe they're one of those gay couples? 885 00:51:58,659 --> 00:52:00,576 Yeah, we're gay. 886 00:52:00,743 --> 00:52:02,411 And this is our adopted love child. 887 00:52:02,662 --> 00:52:04,038 We're not from around here. 888 00:52:04,622 --> 00:52:06,623 Don't makes us go back to our liberal city home... 889 00:52:06,873 --> 00:52:10,376 with tales of prejudice and bigotry from the heart of Utah. 890 00:52:10,542 --> 00:52:13,086 This is the last thing I need. 891 00:52:13,127 --> 00:52:15,546 Uppity homosexuals shooting their mouths off to the... 892 00:52:15,713 --> 00:52:19,549 liberal media that the Federal Wildlife Office persecutes gays. 893 00:52:19,716 --> 00:52:21,802 Are you fucking crazy? They may be gay... 894 00:52:21,885 --> 00:52:23,928 but that's not their son- that's the ape! 895 00:52:24,095 --> 00:52:26,515 I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one. 896 00:52:26,723 --> 00:52:28,850 And the only thing I do recognize right now... 897 00:52:29,017 --> 00:52:32,270 is a political fiasco that I'm about to avoid... 898 00:52:32,436 --> 00:52:34,855 by letting this butt-fucking Brady bunch go. 899 00:52:39,818 --> 00:52:41,986 You are free to leave, sirs. 900 00:52:43,445 --> 00:52:44,863 Yes, you, sirs. 901 00:52:44,905 --> 00:52:46,281 So we can just go? 902 00:52:46,489 --> 00:52:47,114 Yes, sir. 903 00:52:47,281 --> 00:52:49,826 Please accept my apology for detaining you and your... 904 00:52:49,993 --> 00:52:53,537 unorthodox but constitutionally protected family unit. 905 00:52:54,329 --> 00:52:56,039 Un-fucking-believable. 906 00:52:56,206 --> 00:53:00,084 I might add, that is one fine looking young boy you're raising. 907 00:53:00,209 --> 00:53:01,877 That's because he's from my sperm. 908 00:53:02,587 --> 00:53:04,420 K knocked up this hot, woman friend of ours... 909 00:53:04,587 --> 00:53:07,047 who fuck on the side so as not to be all-the-way gay. 910 00:53:07,298 --> 00:53:10,425 But my tubby husband- He's one hundred percent queer. 911 00:53:10,592 --> 00:53:11,968 He loves the cock. 912 00:53:12,969 --> 00:53:14,929 He certainly looks insatiable. 913 00:53:15,888 --> 00:53:17,222 Bye-bye. 914 00:53:23,728 --> 00:53:26,188 It's not my way, but I'll be damned if that isn't one happy family. 915 00:53:28,607 --> 00:53:31,067 Alright, gang-let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner... 916 00:53:31,276 --> 00:53:33,777 and when the guys come out with the monkey- 917 00:53:33,944 --> 00:53:35,321 Fuck beans! 918 00:53:35,404 --> 00:53:36,697 That was them, wasn't it? 919 00:53:36,864 --> 00:53:38,824 I said you love the cock. 920 00:53:39,407 --> 00:53:42,035 I have to be the craftiest mother fucker alive. 921 00:53:45,495 --> 00:53:46,747 Flee, fat-ass, flee! 922 00:53:55,881 --> 00:53:57,715 Head for the sewer! 923 00:54:13,228 --> 00:54:14,353 You fat fuck! 924 00:54:15,270 --> 00:54:17,606 Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass. 925 00:54:19,358 --> 00:54:21,693 Suck it in. Think thin! 926 00:54:22,569 --> 00:54:23,946 One rectal breach coming up. 927 00:54:24,613 --> 00:54:26,280 Suck it in! 928 00:54:26,322 --> 00:54:27,949 Incoming! 929 00:54:37,580 --> 00:54:38,873 Just like Winnie the Pooh. 930 00:54:43,334 --> 00:54:47,089 That was an incredibly daring escape. 931 00:54:48,048 --> 00:54:49,423 Here's the deal. 932 00:54:49,590 --> 00:54:50,925 You and your men stay up here. 933 00:54:51,133 --> 00:54:53,803 When I corner him, I'll call for backup. 934 00:54:55,011 --> 00:54:57,055 I'm counting on you, Sheriff. 935 00:54:58,807 --> 00:54:59,975 You've taught me so much. 936 00:55:11,692 --> 00:55:13,818 Fuck this asshole. 937 00:55:13,985 --> 00:55:16,696 Let's go back to the station and cornhole us a drunk. 938 00:55:22,285 --> 00:55:25,120 Don't fuck your word... I swear to God. 939 00:55:27,080 --> 00:55:29,207 Put the monkey down and your hands up! 940 00:55:31,959 --> 00:55:33,586 Let's go, misters. 941 00:55:33,627 --> 00:55:35,212 You want to get shot? 942 00:55:35,421 --> 00:55:37,088 I didn't think so. 943 00:55:37,255 --> 00:55:40,091 She doesn't want to go back to the lab. 944 00:55:40,258 --> 00:55:42,801 And for the record... I ain't gay. 945 00:55:42,968 --> 00:55:45,305 And for the record, while we're on the subject... 946 00:55:45,471 --> 00:55:47,972 I knew that wasn't a real little boy. 947 00:55:48,764 --> 00:55:51,559 For one more record- he loves the cock. 948 00:55:52,393 --> 00:55:54,352 On your knees, Texas Pete. 949 00:55:54,561 --> 00:55:55,312 Let's go. 950 00:55:55,812 --> 00:55:58,064 You see- he's lining us up like fucking circus seals. 951 00:55:58,981 --> 00:55:59,815 I'm going first. 952 00:55:59,982 --> 00:56:02,109 I don't want a mouth full of monkey spit... 953 00:56:02,276 --> 00:56:03,611 if I gotta blow this G-man. 954 00:56:03,736 --> 00:56:04,861 What are you talking about? 955 00:56:05,028 --> 00:56:07,238 No one's gonna get blown here- 956 00:56:09,532 --> 00:56:12,075 Shit! 957 00:56:13,911 --> 00:56:16,746 These guys are good. Very good. 958 00:56:24,211 --> 00:56:26,045 Hey, law-dog. 959 00:56:28,671 --> 00:56:30,924 See you in Hell, cock-smoker. 960 00:56:32,008 --> 00:56:34,801 Oh, Fuck me. 961 00:56:59,490 --> 00:57:02,033 Get the fuck off her- that's my ex-girlfriend's monkey. 962 00:57:05,244 --> 00:57:08,247 Hey, that monkey don't belong to you. 963 00:57:15,795 --> 00:57:17,588 Who the fuck just steals a monkey? 964 00:57:20,258 --> 00:57:21,299 Oh, yeah. 965 00:57:21,466 --> 00:57:22,425 This blows. 966 00:57:22,592 --> 00:57:25,387 We have one more day to stop these fucks from shooting this movie. 967 00:57:25,554 --> 00:57:29,014 They took the one thing I had left from the one woman I loved enough... 968 00:57:29,139 --> 00:57:31,392 not to stick my hand down her pants. 969 00:57:33,768 --> 00:57:34,769 Go after the monkey? 970 00:57:34,936 --> 00:57:36,437 How do we know where that car is going? 971 00:57:39,856 --> 00:57:42,025 Don't just point. 972 00:57:44,402 --> 00:57:45,319 What, you gotta take a shit? 973 00:57:46,904 --> 00:57:48,030 No, you gotta take a salad. 974 00:57:49,614 --> 00:57:50,949 What the fuck are you trying to say? 975 00:57:51,324 --> 00:57:52,241 Say it! 976 00:57:52,283 --> 00:57:53,158 Don't make me ask twenty questions. 977 00:57:53,325 --> 00:57:56,327 You could always tell that stupid Amy story all the time... 978 00:57:56,369 --> 00:57:59,330 but you can't spit out "Jay, I disagree," or... 979 00:57:59,455 --> 00:58:01,582 "those are some good cheese fries". 980 00:58:03,709 --> 00:58:05,419 Just fucking say it! 981 00:58:07,128 --> 00:58:09,797 The sign on the back of the car... 982 00:58:10,006 --> 00:58:12,634 said "Critters of Hollywood"... 983 00:58:13,134 --> 00:58:14,718 you dumb fuck! 984 00:58:20,472 --> 00:58:21,765 Say it, don't spray it. 985 00:58:24,642 --> 00:58:28,396 And might I add, that is one fine-looking boy you are raising. 986 00:58:35,235 --> 00:58:37,778 If it isn't the wildlife expert. 987 00:58:38,446 --> 00:58:40,240 Your office faxed this over. 988 00:58:40,908 --> 00:58:43,201 The guy said it was a post from an internet chat board... 989 00:58:43,242 --> 00:58:45,536 signed by a Jay & Silent Bob. 990 00:58:48,538 --> 00:58:50,915 "All you mother fuckers are gonna pay." 991 00:58:51,123 --> 00:58:53,750 "You are the ones who are ball lickers" 992 00:58:53,917 --> 00:58:55,668 "We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry..." 993 00:58:55,835 --> 00:59:00,255 "like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood, we're-" 994 00:59:00,881 --> 00:59:02,257 They're going to Hollywood. 995 00:59:26,319 --> 00:59:27,237 It's not like cheating. 996 00:59:27,403 --> 00:59:28,945 Justice blew up. 997 00:59:29,946 --> 00:59:31,030 Here's the plan. 998 00:59:31,155 --> 00:59:33,366 First we find out where they're shooting this movie. 999 00:59:33,533 --> 00:59:37,035 And after we bust that shit up, we can start looking for the monkey. 1000 00:59:37,245 --> 00:59:38,412 But before we do any of that, 1001 00:59:38,579 --> 00:59:40,497 we gotta find a mother fucker in the know. 1002 00:59:40,664 --> 00:59:41,957 Someone like the Mayor of Hollywood. 1003 00:59:42,123 --> 00:59:43,500 Crack. Want some crack. 1004 00:59:44,626 --> 00:59:45,710 Get you high. 1005 00:59:45,876 --> 00:59:47,628 No, but do you want some weed? 1006 00:59:48,546 --> 00:59:50,047 Are you on the job? 1007 00:59:50,214 --> 00:59:52,924 Yeah. Jersey local 404. 1008 00:59:54,717 --> 00:59:57,303 Pumpkin Escobar, Los Angeles local 305. 1009 00:59:57,345 --> 00:59:59,888 - What up? 1010 01:00:00,931 --> 01:00:02,474 - Man, it's a small world. 1011 01:00:02,640 --> 01:00:03,807 Let me ask you a question. 1012 01:00:03,974 --> 01:00:06,143 You dudes getting medical out there in Jersey? 1013 01:00:06,351 --> 01:00:08,896 No. We might have to strike in September. 1014 01:00:09,063 --> 01:00:11,982 Norma Rae like a mother fucker. 1015 01:00:12,149 --> 01:00:13,024 Maybe you can help us out? 1016 01:00:13,191 --> 01:00:15,025 You know where they're shooting a movie around here? 1017 01:00:15,192 --> 01:00:17,069 You ask me a question like that in Holly-weird? 1018 01:00:17,236 --> 01:00:20,072 You got to come a little more specific than that. 1019 01:00:20,239 --> 01:00:21,114 It's a Miramax flick. 1020 01:00:21,281 --> 01:00:22,282 We gotta bust it up... 1021 01:00:22,490 --> 01:00:24,242 so people stop calling us names on the internet... 1022 01:00:24,450 --> 01:00:25,827 even though they're not really talking about us... 1023 01:00:26,035 --> 01:00:28,787 but characters based on us, and at the same time... 1024 01:00:28,954 --> 01:00:32,207 find my ex-girlfriend's, who was killed in a car explosion, monkey. 1025 01:00:33,291 --> 01:00:36,753 Man, I don't know what the fuck you just said, little kid... 1026 01:00:36,920 --> 01:00:39,004 but you're special. 1027 01:00:39,171 --> 01:00:40,380 You reached out... 1028 01:00:40,547 --> 01:00:43,008 and you touched a brother's gear. 1029 01:00:43,717 --> 01:00:44,925 I'm gonna give you some directions. 1030 01:00:45,092 --> 01:00:46,010 Give me the map, Scott. 1031 01:00:46,635 --> 01:00:47,761 Give me the map, Scott! 1032 01:00:48,345 --> 01:00:49,472 You know where Miramax is? 1033 01:00:50,180 --> 01:00:54,309 Miramax accounts for 78% of my business out here. 1034 01:00:57,728 --> 01:00:59,855 Is Hollywood ready for Jay and Silent Bob? 1035 01:00:59,980 --> 01:01:02,773 A source at a Federal Wildlife Marshall's office tells us... 1036 01:01:02,899 --> 01:01:05,902 that a posting was pulled off an internet movie chat board... 1037 01:01:06,027 --> 01:01:09,571 allegedly written by the two domestic terrorists themselves. 1038 01:01:09,738 --> 01:01:12,157 It's sending a shock-wave through Hollywood. 1039 01:01:12,199 --> 01:01:14,492 Jules Asner is on the scene at Miramax Studios. Jules- 1040 01:01:14,658 --> 01:01:18,369 Steve, the tenor of Tinsletown is one of terror today... 1041 01:01:18,495 --> 01:01:21,163 after the Federal Wildlife Marshall's Office has learned that... 1042 01:01:21,330 --> 01:01:24,874 hot new terrorists Jay and Silent Bob have targeted Miramax studios... 1043 01:01:25,041 --> 01:01:28,878 for their next campaign of blood, violence and monkey theft. 1044 01:01:29,086 --> 01:01:32,088 In a posting pulled off of Movie Poop-Shoot. Com... 1045 01:01:32,964 --> 01:01:34,801 the gruesome two-some threatened, and I quote... 1046 01:01:35,009 --> 01:01:39,054 "Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax expletive deleted..." 1047 01:01:39,262 --> 01:01:41,264 "who are making the Bluntman & Chronic movie..." 1048 01:01:41,389 --> 01:01:44,016 "we're gonna make them eat our expletive deleted..." 1049 01:01:46,811 --> 01:01:49,896 "then eat their expletive deleted which is made up of..." 1050 01:01:50,063 --> 01:01:53,649 "our expletive deleted that we made them eat." Unquote. 1051 01:01:53,857 --> 01:01:55,858 So far we've been unable to get a statement... 1052 01:01:55,983 --> 01:01:57,527 from anyone here at the Studio. 1053 01:01:57,693 --> 01:02:00,487 But no sign of Jay and Silent Bob? 1054 01:02:00,695 --> 01:02:01,738 None whatsoever. 1055 01:02:01,947 --> 01:02:04,200 But to be fair, no one is a hundred percent sure... 1056 01:02:04,242 --> 01:02:06,409 what Jay and Silent Bob exactly look like... 1057 01:02:06,535 --> 01:02:08,829 so for all we know they could already be on the lot. 1058 01:02:30,887 --> 01:02:33,766 OK, he's got a pass. Let him in. 1059 01:02:35,308 --> 01:02:38,270 We gotta play this just right. 1060 01:02:48,986 --> 01:02:50,904 You don't have a pass! 1061 01:03:11,963 --> 01:03:13,798 I hate how fake Hollywood is. 1062 01:03:14,466 --> 01:03:16,758 Where do you think you're going? 1063 01:03:20,512 --> 01:03:23,764 Echo base, I've got a 1007- Two unauthorized on the lot. 1064 01:03:23,931 --> 01:03:25,183 Requesting back-up. 1065 01:03:25,349 --> 01:03:26,851 I thought that was a 1082. 1066 01:03:27,018 --> 01:03:29,102 No, sir, a 1082 is disappearing a dead hooker... 1067 01:03:29,269 --> 01:03:30,855 from Ben Affleck's trailer. 1068 01:03:30,980 --> 01:03:31,981 Oh, that Affleck. 1069 01:03:32,148 --> 01:03:33,356 Back-up on the way. 1070 01:03:33,440 --> 01:03:34,608 I'll make you a deal. 1071 01:03:34,775 --> 01:03:37,277 This guy will suck your dick off if you let us go. 1072 01:03:37,444 --> 01:03:38,778 Contrary to what you believe... 1073 01:03:38,944 --> 01:03:41,821 not everyone in the industry is a homosexual. 1074 01:03:42,030 --> 01:03:44,449 How about this deal? 1075 01:03:44,490 --> 01:03:46,867 He'll suck my dick while you watch and jerk-off? 1076 01:03:48,952 --> 01:03:49,745 Alright. 1077 01:03:51,788 --> 01:03:53,956 Make it fast-and sexy. 1078 01:03:54,832 --> 01:03:55,875 It's either this or jail. 1079 01:03:56,541 --> 01:03:58,127 And you know what they do to you in jail. 1080 01:03:58,920 --> 01:03:59,921 I was a guard. 1081 01:04:04,216 --> 01:04:07,885 And after it's all over you say, "Ooh, what a lovely tea party." 1082 01:04:19,102 --> 01:04:20,644 What the fuck you waiting for, bitch? 1083 01:04:20,852 --> 01:04:22,229 Start sucking. 1084 01:04:33,781 --> 01:04:34,573 Worth a shot. 1085 01:04:35,783 --> 01:04:37,742 Like a shot in the fucking mouth, you gay bitch. 1086 01:04:38,868 --> 01:04:41,204 Dude, you were gonna really suck my dick. 1087 01:04:46,834 --> 01:04:48,210 Remember what I said. 1088 01:04:48,418 --> 01:04:53,297 Do not look at Ben or Matt directly in the eyes or you will be fired. 1089 01:04:53,464 --> 01:04:55,339 Does everybody understand that? 1090 01:04:55,507 --> 01:04:56,800 Thank you. 1091 01:05:00,137 --> 01:05:02,054 You frosted your hair. 1092 01:05:03,639 --> 01:05:05,850 Yeah, I frosted my hair, but it looks good. 1093 01:05:06,766 --> 01:05:09,352 This has got to be the Bluntman flick. 1094 01:05:09,394 --> 01:05:11,604 There are those two fucks from the Mork movie. 1095 01:05:11,646 --> 01:05:13,772 Lips-Teeth time or Lion Face? 1096 01:05:13,981 --> 01:05:18,776 Lion face! Lemon face! 1097 01:05:18,943 --> 01:05:19,986 Break it down. 1098 01:05:20,194 --> 01:05:21,904 Where we taking it from, Gus? 1099 01:05:24,948 --> 01:05:25,907 I'm busy. 1100 01:05:26,116 --> 01:05:27,493 You're a true artist, Gus. 1101 01:05:27,618 --> 01:05:28,703 Let's just take it from "it's a good course". 1102 01:05:28,744 --> 01:05:29,786 You're the director now? 1103 01:05:29,953 --> 01:05:30,828 Shove it, "Bounce"-boy. 1104 01:05:30,995 --> 01:05:31,787 Let's remember who talked who... 1105 01:05:31,954 --> 01:05:33,748 into doing this shit in the first place 1106 01:05:33,873 --> 01:05:35,415 Talking me into "Dogma" is one thing, but-. 1107 01:05:35,582 --> 01:05:39,335 I'm sorry I dragged you away from whatever gay serial killers... 1108 01:05:39,502 --> 01:05:41,503 who ride horses and like to play golf 1109 01:05:41,712 --> 01:05:43,380 touchy-feely picture you're gonna do this week. 1110 01:05:43,505 --> 01:05:45,549 I take it you haven't seen "Forces Of Nature". 1111 01:05:45,716 --> 01:05:46,383 You're like a child. 1112 01:05:46,550 --> 01:05:47,425 What do I keep telling you? 1113 01:05:47,592 --> 01:05:50,136 You gotta do the safe picture- then you do the art picture. 1114 01:05:50,303 --> 01:05:51,929 And then sometimes you have to do the payback picture... 1115 01:05:52,096 --> 01:05:54,097 because your friend says you owe him. 1116 01:05:56,224 --> 01:05:57,893 Then sometimes you have to go back to the well. 1117 01:05:57,934 --> 01:05:59,560 And then sometimes you do "Reindeer Games." 1118 01:05:59,810 --> 01:06:00,728 That's just mean. 1119 01:06:00,978 --> 01:06:04,856 All we gotta do is figure out how to get closer to them. 1120 01:06:06,690 --> 01:06:08,776 Get over here. 1121 01:06:08,859 --> 01:06:10,902 You stand here, your buddy's right here. 1122 01:06:11,068 --> 01:06:12,570 Just stand here and react. 1123 01:06:12,737 --> 01:06:15,198 Don't say anything. Especially you. 1124 01:06:16,740 --> 01:06:18,700 That's pretty funny. 1125 01:06:18,825 --> 01:06:21,036 Lock it up, people, we're going for picture. 1126 01:06:21,827 --> 01:06:23,037 Make it happen, guys. 1127 01:06:23,204 --> 01:06:24,413 - Get you fucking hands off me. 1128 01:06:24,581 --> 01:06:25,749 - Fuck off! 1129 01:06:26,833 --> 01:06:28,793 On the count of three, we rush these fucks and... 1130 01:06:28,834 --> 01:06:30,377 beat the shit out of them, because if they're all fucked up... 1131 01:06:30,419 --> 01:06:31,921 they can't make that movie. 1132 01:06:33,296 --> 01:06:37,550 Ready? One... two... three! 1133 01:06:37,717 --> 01:06:41,220 "Good Will Hunting Il: Hunting Season." Scene 16 Take 5. 1134 01:06:45,013 --> 01:06:46,932 Think about the paycheck. OK. 1135 01:06:53,897 --> 01:06:55,107 Action, Gus? 1136 01:06:55,232 --> 01:06:56,732 Jesus, Ben, I said I'm busy. 1137 01:07:00,820 --> 01:07:03,279 I do remember the class. 1138 01:07:03,363 --> 01:07:05,740 But elementary. 1139 01:07:05,907 --> 01:07:07,534 I remember that class. 1140 01:07:07,700 --> 01:07:10,327 It was just between recess and lunch. 1141 01:07:10,494 --> 01:07:12,830 Are we gonna have a problem- again? 1142 01:07:12,955 --> 01:07:16,666 I was still just hoping you might be able to give me a little insight... 1143 01:07:16,833 --> 01:07:19,001 into the Southern Colonies. 1144 01:07:19,835 --> 01:07:21,377 Wood says... 1145 01:07:21,544 --> 01:07:23,046 What did I say? 1146 01:07:23,255 --> 01:07:25,424 You'd be back in here regurgitating Gordon Wood. 1147 01:07:25,590 --> 01:07:27,508 But you forget about Vickers. 1148 01:07:27,550 --> 01:07:29,343 No, I just read Vickers. 1149 01:07:29,551 --> 01:07:30,927 So I'm up on "Inherited Wealth". 1150 01:07:31,094 --> 01:07:35,264 But you're no longer the angry, brilliant, young mind you once were... 1151 01:07:35,472 --> 01:07:39,308 just itching to vent your frustrations. 1152 01:07:39,475 --> 01:07:41,769 You stopped hitting the books with a vengeance... 1153 01:07:41,978 --> 01:07:47,149 and now I've read shit you haven't even heard about yet. 1154 01:07:47,315 --> 01:07:48,567 Face facts, my friend. 1155 01:07:48,735 --> 01:07:50,902 You're just no longer that good... 1156 01:07:51,069 --> 01:07:52,154 Will Hunting. 1157 01:07:56,906 --> 01:08:01,118 Now how do you like them apples? 1158 01:08:03,454 --> 01:08:05,748 I don't like the sound of them apples, Will. 1159 01:08:05,956 --> 01:08:07,415 What're we gonna do? 1160 01:08:07,582 --> 01:08:08,207 - Chuckie- 1161 01:08:08,416 --> 01:08:09,584 - Yeah? 1162 01:08:09,792 --> 01:08:11,669 Chuckie- it's hunting season. 1163 01:08:16,715 --> 01:08:18,090 Apple sauce, bitch. 1164 01:08:21,011 --> 01:08:24,138 Sorry to interrupt, but we've got a 1007 on our hands. 1165 01:08:24,305 --> 01:08:25,848 Oh, Jesus. Again, Ben? 1166 01:08:25,973 --> 01:08:27,183 Bullshit! 1167 01:08:27,349 --> 01:08:29,351 Cause I wasn't with a hooker today. 1168 01:08:30,518 --> 01:08:31,352 There they are! 1169 01:08:32,144 --> 01:08:34,313 Affleck, you were the bomb in "Phantoms". 1170 01:09:16,805 --> 01:09:18,890 Alright, you bastard, let's see who you really are. 1171 01:09:23,686 --> 01:09:25,772 Fucking Miramax! Cut! 1172 01:09:28,732 --> 01:09:30,025 Shannen, usually I say "Cut". 1173 01:09:30,192 --> 01:09:31,610 A monkey, Wes? 1174 01:09:31,777 --> 01:09:33,903 You guys aren't even trying anymore. 1175 01:09:35,738 --> 01:09:37,740 The market research says people love monkeys. 1176 01:09:41,118 --> 01:09:42,536 We love this monkey. 1177 01:09:44,705 --> 01:09:46,080 See. 1178 01:09:46,205 --> 01:09:47,707 Here they are. 1179 01:10:06,389 --> 01:10:08,057 Punch it! 1180 01:10:11,768 --> 01:10:12,894 Fuck! 1181 01:10:20,026 --> 01:10:21,901 Those are some magical guys. 1182 01:10:36,622 --> 01:10:39,624 Dude, I fucking knew it. 1183 01:10:40,292 --> 01:10:42,627 You love that shit, don't you? 1184 01:10:45,838 --> 01:10:47,715 Holy shit, that I looked like it hurt. 1185 01:10:47,882 --> 01:10:49,799 Are you guys alright? 1186 01:10:50,717 --> 01:10:52,302 Let's get you guys on your feet. 1187 01:11:03,685 --> 01:11:06,563 Wait a second- aren't you the guy that fucked the pie? 1188 01:11:07,438 --> 01:11:09,440 You see, man - you see! 1189 01:11:09,565 --> 01:11:12,693 It's never, "Hey, you were in Loser, weren't you?" 1190 01:11:12,817 --> 01:11:15,654 Or "Dude, you rocked in Boys And Girls" 1191 01:11:15,696 --> 01:11:18,366 It always comes back to that fucking pie. I'm haunted by it. 1192 01:11:18,531 --> 01:11:20,283 - You put your dick in a pie. - Enough! 1193 01:11:21,409 --> 01:11:22,452 I'm Jason Biggs. 1194 01:11:22,619 --> 01:11:25,913 Did you really get to 3rd base with that Russian chick like in the movie? 1195 01:11:26,121 --> 01:11:28,582 You mean Shannon? 1196 01:11:28,791 --> 01:11:29,583 No. 1197 01:11:29,792 --> 01:11:31,125 She is fucking fine. 1198 01:11:31,334 --> 01:11:33,419 If I was you, I would've been like- 1199 01:11:38,714 --> 01:11:40,842 You like that? 1200 01:11:41,009 --> 01:11:43,344 What, you never did one of these? 1201 01:11:48,932 --> 01:11:50,892 I've done plenty of that, my friend. 1202 01:11:51,101 --> 01:11:53,353 Holy shit, you're the Dawson. 1203 01:11:53,519 --> 01:11:55,187 James- James Van Der Beek. 1204 01:11:55,396 --> 01:11:57,523 What's up with Pacey stealing Joey away from you? 1205 01:11:57,648 --> 01:11:59,774 If I was you, I would have drowned his ass in the creek. 1206 01:11:59,941 --> 01:12:04,112 Yeah, for Joey. She is too fine. 1207 01:12:04,320 --> 01:12:06,321 Ever get to 3rd base with her? 1208 01:12:06,530 --> 01:12:09,658 There was this one time- Wait a minute, who are you guys? 1209 01:12:10,741 --> 01:12:13,159 They're our stunt doubles, dumb ass. 1210 01:12:13,660 --> 01:12:14,704 - Right? 1211 01:12:14,870 --> 01:12:16,664 - Of course. 1212 01:12:17,497 --> 01:12:18,997 Stunt doubles for what? 1213 01:12:19,164 --> 01:12:21,250 For the move that we're shooting in about fifteen minutes. 1214 01:12:21,458 --> 01:12:23,167 Bluntman & Chronic Strike Back. 1215 01:12:23,334 --> 01:12:25,670 You're doubling me, obviously, 1216 01:12:25,837 --> 01:12:28,714 I'm playing Bluntman, A.K.A. Silent Bill 1217 01:12:28,839 --> 01:12:30,257 - Bob. - Right. 1218 01:12:30,424 --> 01:12:32,676 And he's playing Chronic. 1219 01:12:32,884 --> 01:12:34,427 A.K.A. Ray. 1220 01:12:34,593 --> 01:12:35,678 Jay. Fuck! 1221 01:12:35,928 --> 01:12:37,514 Biggs, did you even read the script? 1222 01:12:37,723 --> 01:12:38,390 There's a script? 1223 01:12:38,598 --> 01:12:39,933 Hey, pie-fucker, 1224 01:12:40,141 --> 01:12:43,060 you would only last a day on "The Creek". 1225 01:12:43,269 --> 01:12:45,146 Wait second, we'll be right back. 1226 01:12:45,354 --> 01:12:46,687 Fuck you and your "Dawson's Crack". 1227 01:12:46,854 --> 01:12:48,564 Go to hell, Pacey. 1228 01:12:51,150 --> 01:12:52,316 These are the fucks that are playing us 1229 01:12:52,483 --> 01:12:55,611 You take 'em out, bam!, no movie. 1230 01:12:56,863 --> 01:12:59,114 Useless little ape. 1231 01:12:59,281 --> 01:13:02,367 What's with the weird, gay huddle going on over there? 1232 01:13:02,534 --> 01:13:03,743 Let me put my arm over yours. 1233 01:13:03,909 --> 01:13:04,952 What's gay about it? 1234 01:13:05,161 --> 01:13:06,245 It's two guys talking in a corner. 1235 01:13:06,370 --> 01:13:09,539 Why are you such a homophobe? 1236 01:13:09,748 --> 01:13:12,209 You're always like "That's gay," or "Look at that gay huddle..." 1237 01:13:12,460 --> 01:13:13,586 "look at that gay dog." 1238 01:13:13,753 --> 01:13:14,628 Dude, that is so gay- 1239 01:13:14,754 --> 01:13:16,046 Yeah, see. 1240 01:13:16,296 --> 01:13:18,923 - I love gay people. 1241 01:13:19,090 --> 01:13:19,758 - I'm sure you do. 1242 01:13:19,883 --> 01:13:21,967 Look at the monkey. 1243 01:13:22,134 --> 01:13:23,968 Now you're gonna tell me the monkey's gay. 1244 01:13:24,093 --> 01:13:26,429 How do you know he doesn't smoke monkey pole? 1245 01:13:26,471 --> 01:13:28,764 He's so cute. 1246 01:13:30,974 --> 01:13:33,809 You go in there and start swinging, don't stop until these young... 1247 01:13:33,976 --> 01:13:35,395 Hollywood fucks are out of commission. 1248 01:13:35,437 --> 01:13:36,730 Ready? Break! 1249 01:13:44,069 --> 01:13:45,945 That's one funky monkey. 1250 01:13:48,573 --> 01:13:50,908 Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek, this is Security. 1251 01:13:50,991 --> 01:13:53,243 There are two intruders on the lot. 1252 01:13:53,410 --> 01:13:55,495 They crashed through a window we believe might be yours. 1253 01:13:56,828 --> 01:13:58,789 Yeah, they're in here. 1254 01:13:59,413 --> 01:14:00,831 Do they have you held hostage? 1255 01:14:00,873 --> 01:14:02,290 Should we call your publicist? 1256 01:14:02,499 --> 01:14:03,083 No. 1257 01:14:03,249 --> 01:14:05,877 We kicked those guys assess bad. 1258 01:14:06,044 --> 01:14:08,087 Real bad. 1259 01:14:08,253 --> 01:14:09,880 Great job, sirs. 1260 01:14:10,005 --> 01:14:11,883 If you'll let us in, we'll take over from here. 1261 01:14:12,008 --> 01:14:15,344 No, me and Jason Biggs are naked in here. 1262 01:14:15,552 --> 01:14:17,221 Butt-naked. Together. 1263 01:14:17,721 --> 01:14:23,601 Okay. Well, we'll wait out here until you clean up. 1264 01:14:34,111 --> 01:14:36,653 How are we gonna get out without them seeing us? 1265 01:14:42,658 --> 01:14:43,534 You've got the wrong guys. 1266 01:14:43,701 --> 01:14:45,577 Doesn't anybody watch the WB? 1267 01:14:45,744 --> 01:14:47,371 I'm a teen idol, dammit! 1268 01:14:47,496 --> 01:14:48,621 Don't you recognize me? 1269 01:14:48,830 --> 01:14:50,289 Look at me. 1270 01:14:50,331 --> 01:14:51,749 I'm the pie-fucker! 1271 01:14:53,668 --> 01:14:56,670 In prison, he'll be the pie. 1272 01:14:59,339 --> 01:15:00,631 This was a good idea, lunch-box. 1273 01:15:00,840 --> 01:15:02,216 In these outfits... 1274 01:15:02,258 --> 01:15:03,592 we're totally incognito. 1275 01:15:03,759 --> 01:15:05,302 Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek- 1276 01:15:06,636 --> 01:15:08,263 Great, you've changed costumes already. 1277 01:15:08,388 --> 01:15:09,390 Let's get you to the set. 1278 01:15:09,557 --> 01:15:10,933 The director doesn't like to be kept waiting. 1279 01:15:14,476 --> 01:15:15,728 Look at all these crackers. 1280 01:15:15,894 --> 01:15:18,730 70 million dollars and I can't even get a black grip. 1281 01:15:18,855 --> 01:15:20,773 It's a shame. It's a damn shame! 1282 01:15:20,982 --> 01:15:22,525 Here's your coffee, sir. 1283 01:15:23,108 --> 01:15:24,860 - You spit in this? - I didn't spit in it. 1284 01:15:25,027 --> 01:15:26,320 Any boogers in it? 1285 01:15:26,528 --> 01:15:27,738 There's no boogers in it, sir. 1286 01:15:27,821 --> 01:15:29,030 You went to film school, didn't you? 1287 01:15:29,155 --> 01:15:32,408 Must piss you off to see a black man run a big production like this. 1288 01:15:33,326 --> 01:15:35,118 Go to the school. 1289 01:15:35,327 --> 01:15:38,621 Does your daddy know that you give a nigger his coffee? 1290 01:15:38,788 --> 01:15:40,332 It would kill him, wouldn't it? 1291 01:15:41,165 --> 01:15:42,833 - There's no boogers in it, sir. - Ten taste it! 1292 01:15:43,667 --> 01:15:46,003 Taste the booger flavor. 1293 01:15:46,170 --> 01:15:47,420 I know it's in there. 1294 01:15:48,628 --> 01:15:49,338 It's all good, sir. 1295 01:15:49,504 --> 01:15:50,589 No it ain't all good. 1296 01:15:50,672 --> 01:15:51,715 Clean that shit up. 1297 01:15:51,923 --> 01:15:53,174 Get me a white boy. 1298 01:15:53,341 --> 01:15:56,969 Get me a blond haired, white boy so I can enjoy that shit. 1299 01:15:57,219 --> 01:15:57,637 - You're the man, sir. 1300 01:15:57,845 --> 01:15:59,846 - No, you're the man and that's the problem. 1301 01:16:00,764 --> 01:16:03,183 Chaka-I'm Banky Edwards, the creator of Bluntman & Chronic. 1302 01:16:03,266 --> 01:16:05,643 We met a few weeks back. 1303 01:16:05,851 --> 01:16:07,187 I'm the executive Producer. 1304 01:16:07,354 --> 01:16:09,647 Oh, you're the Executive Producer. 1305 01:16:09,813 --> 01:16:12,691 Why don't you executive produce me a latte- de-crackernated. 1306 01:16:12,900 --> 01:16:13,984 Okay, Fuck it? 1307 01:16:14,109 --> 01:16:14,652 - It's Banky. 1308 01:16:14,860 --> 01:16:16,277 No, its' Fuck it! 1309 01:16:16,444 --> 01:16:18,655 I just want you to know that I respect your work as an artist. 1310 01:16:18,821 --> 01:16:20,323 I 'm something of an artist myself. 1311 01:16:20,490 --> 01:16:22,074 I was the inker on the comic book. 1312 01:16:22,282 --> 01:16:23,867 You're a tracer, okay? 1313 01:16:24,034 --> 01:16:25,534 Nobody got the heart to tell you. 1314 01:16:25,701 --> 01:16:26,035 You trace. 1315 01:16:26,202 --> 01:16:26,786 You go around the lines. 1316 01:16:26,952 --> 01:16:28,537 You are a tracer! 1317 01:16:28,579 --> 01:16:30,039 You think Fat Alber had a tracer? 1318 01:16:30,247 --> 01:16:30,706 No. 1319 01:16:30,915 --> 01:16:32,500 Bill Cosby did the whole thing with a roller. 1320 01:16:32,708 --> 01:16:33,833 And it was excellent. 1321 01:16:36,252 --> 01:16:38,672 Crack, crack, cracker? 1322 01:16:38,879 --> 01:16:40,381 Biggs and Van Der Beek are on the set, Chaka. 1323 01:16:40,422 --> 01:16:41,882 I don't see them! 1324 01:16:42,091 --> 01:16:44,176 Where are the stars of this piece of shit? 1325 01:17:00,731 --> 01:17:03,482 Damn, this must've set them back a couple hundred bucks. 1326 01:17:07,361 --> 01:17:07,778 Look at this. 1327 01:17:08,027 --> 01:17:10,863 A gay hood ornament and the color purple. 1328 01:17:11,030 --> 01:17:11,906 Who the fuck are you? 1329 01:17:12,073 --> 01:17:12,699 Who the fuck am I? 1330 01:17:12,865 --> 01:17:14,449 I'm the director, Chaka Luther King. 1331 01:17:14,574 --> 01:17:15,575 That's who the fuck I am. 1332 01:17:15,617 --> 01:17:16,576 Wait a second. 1333 01:17:16,743 --> 01:17:18,287 I though Banky and Holden created this shit. 1334 01:17:18,328 --> 01:17:19,829 And I 'm stealing it. 1335 01:17:19,996 --> 01:17:21,747 I'm taking it back for the black man... 1336 01:17:21,872 --> 01:17:25,250 to make up for all the shit you mother fuckers have taken from us. 1337 01:17:25,417 --> 01:17:27,753 Do you know that I came up for the idea for "Sesame Street"? 1338 01:17:27,962 --> 01:17:29,588 I came up with it before PBS. 1339 01:17:29,755 --> 01:17:30,881 The white man stole it. 1340 01:17:31,089 --> 01:17:34,175 I was gonna call it NWP- Niggers With Puppets. 1341 01:17:34,217 --> 01:17:37,219 Catchy, ain't it? 1342 01:17:37,386 --> 01:17:38,636 Enough of this small talk. 1343 01:17:38,803 --> 01:17:39,679 Let's shoot. 1344 01:17:40,513 --> 01:17:41,597 Aren't you gonna direct us? 1345 01:17:41,764 --> 01:17:43,807 I will start directing you to the unemployment line... 1346 01:17:43,849 --> 01:17:45,809 if you don't stop back-talking me, cracker. 1347 01:17:46,518 --> 01:17:47,477 We don't know what we're doing. 1348 01:17:47,686 --> 01:17:48,478 We didn't read the script. 1349 01:17:48,686 --> 01:17:49,312 It ain't hard. 1350 01:17:49,478 --> 01:17:51,272 I film the mother fucker. 1351 01:17:51,439 --> 01:17:52,565 Then I yell "Cut!" 1352 01:17:52,732 --> 01:17:55,108 And run the fuck out of here and go to my trailer... 1353 01:17:55,275 --> 01:17:59,154 cause I got more white girls there than the first lifeboat on the Titanic. 1354 01:17:59,279 --> 01:18:00,904 And they all want a party in my movie, 1355 01:18:01,071 --> 01:18:02,823 and I got just the part for me. 1356 01:18:02,990 --> 01:18:03,950 So are you ready to do this? 1357 01:18:04,117 --> 01:18:05,744 Let's roll with the new. 1358 01:18:07,453 --> 01:18:09,622 Quiet on the set, everyone. 1359 01:18:10,664 --> 01:18:12,582 I got your new coffee sir, booger-free. 1360 01:18:15,334 --> 01:18:17,085 You guys look pretty bad-ass. 1361 01:18:17,960 --> 01:18:20,588 "Bluntman & Chronic Strike Back", scene 37, take 1. 1362 01:18:26,719 --> 01:18:27,553 What're you waiting for? 1363 01:18:27,720 --> 01:18:28,971 Action! 1364 01:18:33,642 --> 01:18:37,186 Um... snoochy-boochies. 1365 01:18:40,939 --> 01:18:42,815 What the fuck? 1366 01:18:51,780 --> 01:18:55,199 You thought I'd never find your precious Bluntcave... 1367 01:18:55,407 --> 01:18:57,534 did you, Hemp Knight? 1368 01:18:57,660 --> 01:19:02,039 But now, you and your sidekick... 1369 01:19:02,081 --> 01:19:06,417 are finally in the grasp of Cock-Knocker! 1370 01:19:10,212 --> 01:19:12,631 Why do they call you Cock-Knocker? 1371 01:19:12,798 --> 01:19:14,633 Actually, there's a funny story behind that. 1372 01:19:15,676 --> 01:19:16,133 You're gonna love it. 1373 01:19:16,384 --> 01:19:17,510 True story. 1374 01:19:20,263 --> 01:19:23,599 Avenge me... Hemp-Knight. 1375 01:19:29,728 --> 01:19:32,231 I think George Lucas is gonna sue somebody. 1376 01:19:33,648 --> 01:19:38,319 Any last words before I bust your balls, Bluntman? 1377 01:20:24,774 --> 01:20:25,941 Duck, pie-fucker. 1378 01:20:28,360 --> 01:20:29,737 Damn, these white boys can't fight. 1379 01:20:31,863 --> 01:20:33,781 Don't fuck with a Jedi master, son. 1380 01:20:39,369 --> 01:20:40,745 Yo! Bitch-fists! 1381 01:20:44,456 --> 01:20:47,834 Call me Darth-balls. 1382 01:20:48,877 --> 01:20:50,169 Good Lord. 1383 01:20:54,715 --> 01:20:55,965 That wasn't in the script. 1384 01:21:24,782 --> 01:21:25,783 So this is Hollywood? 1385 01:21:26,992 --> 01:21:30,954 Then lights, camera, action, Jay and Silent Bob. 1386 01:21:34,290 --> 01:21:36,375 Freeze, you terrorist sons of bitches! 1387 01:21:37,709 --> 01:21:41,255 ...My God... 1388 01:21:46,634 --> 01:21:47,926 Sorry, everyone. 1389 01:21:48,093 --> 01:21:49,427 That was supposed to be a warning shot. 1390 01:21:49,636 --> 01:21:51,680 I'm obviously on the wrong set. 1391 01:21:52,638 --> 01:21:54,222 Is he gonna be okay? 1392 01:21:56,099 --> 01:21:56,849 Not good. 1393 01:22:03,272 --> 01:22:05,773 You are not upstaging me, Van Der Beek. 1394 01:22:14,322 --> 01:22:16,533 This movie's gonna make "House Party" look like "House Party 2". 1395 01:22:16,616 --> 01:22:18,785 - Or "House Party 3". 1396 01:22:18,910 --> 01:22:19,953 - Shut the fuck up. - Yes, sir. 1397 01:22:21,413 --> 01:22:24,290 Chaka, call off Dawson, will you? 1398 01:22:29,042 --> 01:22:30,961 Can I get a "cut!" here? 1399 01:22:36,632 --> 01:22:37,758 Not again. 1400 01:22:39,759 --> 01:22:41,886 Now who's balls have been busted, bitch 1401 01:22:42,762 --> 01:22:43,805 That's it! I'm out of here. 1402 01:22:43,930 --> 01:22:45,348 Chaka, I'll be in my trailer. 1403 01:22:47,224 --> 01:22:48,142 What the fuck? 1404 01:22:48,309 --> 01:22:50,436 The C.L.I.T. Stops here, Jay and Silent Bob. 1405 01:22:50,477 --> 01:22:52,562 Another white boy in this movie? Damn! 1406 01:22:53,730 --> 01:22:55,274 Federal Wildlife Marshall. 1407 01:22:55,316 --> 01:22:56,942 Everyone stay cool. 1408 01:22:57,026 --> 01:22:58,860 Go back to making your adult movie. 1409 01:22:58,902 --> 01:23:00,695 These men are the leaders of a terrorist organization... 1410 01:23:00,862 --> 01:23:02,905 wanted for the abduction of a little monkey. 1411 01:23:03,071 --> 01:23:04,698 They didn't really steal that monkey. 1412 01:23:04,823 --> 01:23:07,950 It was just a diversion so that we could steal these. 1413 01:23:08,117 --> 01:23:09,409 And they're not the leaders of the C.L.I.T. 1414 01:23:09,618 --> 01:23:10,994 The C.L.I.T. Is not real. 1415 01:23:11,161 --> 01:23:13,205 Oh no, the C.L.I.T. Is real. 1416 01:23:13,414 --> 01:23:14,457 It's real. 1417 01:23:14,664 --> 01:23:17,167 It's the female orgasm- that's the myth 1418 01:23:17,334 --> 01:23:18,668 You know what I 'm talking about? 1419 01:23:19,336 --> 01:23:20,377 Are you guys alright? 1420 01:23:20,502 --> 01:23:22,755 I thought you blew up, Boo-Boo Kitty-fuck. 1421 01:23:22,922 --> 01:23:25,591 You remembered. 1422 01:23:25,716 --> 01:23:28,092 It was a frame-up, Jay. 1423 01:23:28,259 --> 01:23:32,553 Missy, Sissy, Chrissy and I are international jewel thieves. 1424 01:23:32,762 --> 01:23:33,971 We were setting you up to be a patsy... 1425 01:23:34,138 --> 01:23:37,391 but I couldn't go through with it because I... 1426 01:23:37,558 --> 01:23:38,558 because I love you. 1427 01:23:39,351 --> 01:23:41,228 Yeah? That means you're gonna fuck me, right? 1428 01:23:41,353 --> 01:23:41,977 Of course. 1429 01:23:42,728 --> 01:23:44,771 If she does it'll be considered necrophilia. 1430 01:23:44,854 --> 01:23:46,856 Because she's gonna be one dead bitch. 1431 01:23:48,733 --> 01:23:50,776 Jussy, did we get you at a bad time? 1432 01:23:50,984 --> 01:23:53,404 You should've just let these guys go down. 1433 01:23:53,613 --> 01:23:55,114 I wanted to go down, but this angel popped on my shoulder... 1434 01:23:55,156 --> 01:23:56,698 and said "Listen" and I was like "What's up?" 1435 01:23:56,865 --> 01:23:58,951 Shut the fuck up before I shoot you where you stand... 1436 01:23:59,117 --> 01:24:00,661 in you pansy red booties. 1437 01:24:01,494 --> 01:24:03,204 Holy shit, I am wearing pansy red booties. 1438 01:24:03,371 --> 01:24:05,206 Why the fuck didn't you tell me? 1439 01:24:05,706 --> 01:24:06,998 Let's have those diamonds, Justice. 1440 01:24:07,207 --> 01:24:08,542 I can't do that, Sissy. 1441 01:24:08,708 --> 01:24:11,128 Then lover-boy gets one in the fucking brain. 1442 01:24:12,129 --> 01:24:14,422 Yo! Lovely ladies! 1443 01:24:14,506 --> 01:24:16,341 Would any of you like a private audition to be in my movie. 1444 01:24:16,383 --> 01:24:18,217 Bring that ass over. C'mon! 1445 01:24:38,567 --> 01:24:39,609 Cray crackers with guns. 1446 01:24:39,776 --> 01:24:41,278 Time to get my black ass outta here. 1447 01:24:47,199 --> 01:24:48,533 You really let me down, Justice. 1448 01:24:48,741 --> 01:24:51,328 Throwing it all away for a little stoner with bad pronunciation. 1449 01:24:51,537 --> 01:24:52,705 What's it gonna be, Sissy? 1450 01:24:52,872 --> 01:24:55,247 Which fighting style do you want me to kick your ass in? 1451 01:24:55,372 --> 01:24:56,748 Are you kidding me? 1452 01:24:56,957 --> 01:24:58,292 I taught you all your moves myself. 1453 01:24:58,417 --> 01:25:00,668 There's no style you can bust that I can't defend against. 1454 01:25:00,835 --> 01:25:02,628 You're no match for my Shaolin Monk. 1455 01:25:02,795 --> 01:25:04,547 But I'll bury you with my Crouching Tiger. 1456 01:25:04,672 --> 01:25:05,964 A little Venus Fly-trap? 1457 01:25:06,131 --> 01:25:08,800 I'll counter with Dragon Queen. 1458 01:25:08,842 --> 01:25:11,468 How about a little "Bitch, my man ain't your baby's daddy"? 1459 01:25:11,635 --> 01:25:12,636 Bring it on. 1460 01:25:18,391 --> 01:25:20,101 I hope one of them rips off the other one's shirt... 1461 01:25:20,268 --> 01:25:23,395 and we see some titties flopping around in the air. 1462 01:25:24,980 --> 01:25:28,358 Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek- I just wanted to say hi. I'm- 1463 01:25:28,566 --> 01:25:29,859 Banky-fucking Edwards! 1464 01:25:30,026 --> 01:25:32,110 Just the mother fucker we came to see. 1465 01:25:32,277 --> 01:25:34,862 What the fuck are you guys doing here? 1466 01:25:40,658 --> 01:25:42,160 Why the hell are you shooting at me? 1467 01:25:42,327 --> 01:25:43,203 Two reasons. 1468 01:25:43,328 --> 01:25:46,622 One- we're walking-taking bad girl clichés. 1469 01:25:46,788 --> 01:25:48,624 And two- because you're a man! 1470 01:25:50,251 --> 01:25:51,960 Only on the outside. 1471 01:25:52,669 --> 01:25:54,546 Stop the movie? Are you crazy? 1472 01:25:54,713 --> 01:25:56,506 All these assholes on the internet are calling us names... 1473 01:25:56,757 --> 01:25:58,591 because of this fucking stupid movie. 1474 01:25:58,799 --> 01:26:01,260 That's what the internet is for- slandering others anonymously. 1475 01:26:01,427 --> 01:26:04,679 Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that. 1476 01:26:09,350 --> 01:26:10,392 This isn't fair. 1477 01:26:10,559 --> 01:26:12,436 We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. 1478 01:26:12,603 --> 01:26:15,146 We stole a monkey, we got shot at... 1479 01:26:15,355 --> 01:26:17,732 and I got punched in the motherfucking nuts... 1480 01:26:17,899 --> 01:26:20,026 by a guy named Cock-knocker. 1481 01:26:20,193 --> 01:26:22,361 I feel for you boys, I really do. 1482 01:26:22,528 --> 01:26:24,571 But Miramax - you know, Miramax films... 1483 01:26:24,780 --> 01:26:27,323 paid me a shitload of money for Bluntman & Chronic. 1484 01:26:27,490 --> 01:26:30,618 So it occurs to me that people bad-mouthing you on a website... 1485 01:26:30,701 --> 01:26:33,787 is none of my fucking concern! 1486 01:26:33,995 --> 01:26:35,956 Oh, but I think it is. 1487 01:26:39,124 --> 01:26:42,378 We had a deal with you on the comics- for likeness rights? 1488 01:26:42,586 --> 01:26:44,544 And as we're not only the artistic basis 1489 01:26:44,710 --> 01:26:46,254 but also the character basis... 1490 01:26:46,420 --> 01:26:48,799 for your intellectual property, Bluntman & Chronic... 1491 01:26:48,924 --> 01:26:51,842 when said property was optioned by Miramax films... 1492 01:26:51,926 --> 01:26:54,720 you were legally obliged to secure our permission... 1493 01:26:54,887 --> 01:26:57,264 to transfer the concept to another medium. 1494 01:26:57,430 --> 01:26:59,724 As you failed to do that, Banky... 1495 01:26:59,766 --> 01:27:01,976 you are in breach of the original contract. 1496 01:27:02,184 --> 01:27:03,519 Ergo, you find yourself... 1497 01:27:03,728 --> 01:27:07,523 in a very actionable position. 1498 01:27:11,694 --> 01:27:12,987 You guys are gonna ruin my movie career 1499 01:27:13,194 --> 01:27:15,363 We want something for our mental anguish. 1500 01:27:15,405 --> 01:27:17,490 Tell you what- we'll settle this monetarily. 1501 01:27:17,657 --> 01:27:19,241 I'll give you half of what I make. 1502 01:27:19,408 --> 01:27:20,283 Half? 1503 01:27:20,449 --> 01:27:21,075 Half's not good enough? 1504 01:27:21,200 --> 01:27:23,035 Fine. I'll give you two thirds. 1505 01:27:23,244 --> 01:27:24,579 Fuck you, you already said half. 1506 01:27:24,745 --> 01:27:26,663 You can't take it back. 1507 01:27:26,830 --> 01:27:27,873 Done. 1508 01:27:33,878 --> 01:27:36,088 Your shit is so tired, Justice. 1509 01:27:36,504 --> 01:27:40,550 Call me Boo-Boo-Kitty-fuck... Bitch! 1510 01:27:50,267 --> 01:27:52,853 Hello? Truce? 1511 01:27:56,688 --> 01:27:58,481 I think I killed both of them. 1512 01:27:59,191 --> 01:28:00,482 I am an excellent marksman. 1513 01:28:00,566 --> 01:28:01,526 I've always- 1514 01:28:05,946 --> 01:28:07,072 C'mon, you guys, it's over. 1515 01:28:11,910 --> 01:28:13,328 Are you alright, Boo-Boo-Kitty-fuck? 1516 01:28:13,453 --> 01:28:15,663 I was just about to jump in and get your back. 1517 01:28:17,915 --> 01:28:18,540 The cops! 1518 01:28:18,665 --> 01:28:20,334 We gotta get out of here. 1519 01:28:20,375 --> 01:28:22,001 I'm tired of running. 1520 01:28:23,376 --> 01:28:26,046 Marshall... are you awake? 1521 01:28:26,838 --> 01:28:28,507 Wake up. 1522 01:28:28,673 --> 01:28:32,675 My God! I'm paralyzed. 1523 01:28:32,842 --> 01:28:35,511 That monkey shot me in the ass and paralyzed me. 1524 01:28:36,428 --> 01:28:38,889 Oh, sweet irony! 1525 01:28:39,056 --> 01:28:39,681 You're not paralyzed. 1526 01:28:39,848 --> 01:28:42,934 It was just a tranquilizer. 1527 01:28:43,142 --> 01:28:44,811 Jesus. 1528 01:28:45,646 --> 01:28:47,772 Tranqued by a little monkey. 1529 01:28:47,939 --> 01:28:50,733 My friends in the Bureau will never let me hear the end of this. 1530 01:28:51,567 --> 01:28:53,360 You have friends in the FBI? 1531 01:28:53,527 --> 01:28:55,695 They all made it in but I failed the exam. 1532 01:28:55,904 --> 01:28:58,614 Why else do you think I became a Federal Wildlife Marshall? 1533 01:28:59,741 --> 01:29:01,201 I'll tell you why, because I'm a joke! 1534 01:29:02,244 --> 01:29:03,745 Maybe not. 1535 01:29:04,662 --> 01:29:06,413 I can make you a deal that'll get you into the FBI... 1536 01:29:06,539 --> 01:29:08,040 regardless of test scores. 1537 01:29:08,707 --> 01:29:10,499 What kind of deal? 1538 01:29:10,666 --> 01:29:12,709 You get the charges dropped against Jay and Silent Bob... 1539 01:29:12,835 --> 01:29:14,253 and say you never found the ape. 1540 01:29:14,419 --> 01:29:16,546 In exchange I will give you the diamonds we stole... 1541 01:29:16,796 --> 01:29:18,756 and turn in Missy, Chrissy, Sissy and myself. 1542 01:29:19,006 --> 01:29:20,508 But I want a reduced sentence. 1543 01:29:20,675 --> 01:29:22,509 You'd be willing to do that? 1544 01:29:26,513 --> 01:29:29,473 For him, I'd be willing to do anything. 1545 01:29:35,812 --> 01:29:39,189 I'm a international jewel thief who's facing a jail sentence. 1546 01:29:39,523 --> 01:29:41,525 That's alright. I'm a junkie with a monkey. 1547 01:29:41,693 --> 01:29:43,695 If I go to prison will you wait for me? 1548 01:29:43,903 --> 01:29:45,154 I don't know. 1549 01:29:45,319 --> 01:29:47,405 Will you fuck me when you get out? 1550 01:29:54,411 --> 01:29:55,036 Don't change the subject. 1551 01:29:55,203 --> 01:29:56,829 Will we fuck when you get out? 1552 01:29:56,996 --> 01:29:58,581 Snoogens. 1553 01:30:05,670 --> 01:30:09,381 There's a lot of love in the room. 1554 01:30:09,840 --> 01:30:13,468 Regardless of what you may here heard, I do not kiss guys. 1555 01:30:14,093 --> 01:30:15,178 Okay. 1556 01:30:16,179 --> 01:30:18,472 Play it cool, hotshot. 1557 01:30:22,600 --> 01:30:25,186 Sorry, Justice. We have to go. 1558 01:30:26,686 --> 01:30:27,937 And stop stealing monkeys. 1559 01:30:28,146 --> 01:30:28,897 - Fuck you! 1560 01:30:29,063 --> 01:30:30,648 - Fair enough. 1561 01:30:35,861 --> 01:30:37,320 Wait for me. 1562 01:30:37,487 --> 01:30:38,905 What? Here? 1563 01:30:52,709 --> 01:30:55,045 Well, boys- you're rich, in love- 1564 01:30:56,171 --> 01:30:57,214 You're in love- 1565 01:30:57,422 --> 01:30:59,131 And to top it off you've got your own monkey. 1566 01:30:59,340 --> 01:31:01,299 What more could two guys from Jersey possibly want? 1567 01:31:02,091 --> 01:31:04,302 To have these fucks stop talking shit about us on the internet. 1568 01:31:04,344 --> 01:31:06,428 What've I been telling you? 1569 01:31:06,595 --> 01:31:08,222 There's not much you can do to stop that. 1570 01:31:08,430 --> 01:31:11,517 Short of showing up at their house and beating the shit out of them. 1571 01:31:19,523 --> 01:31:23,484 All the money we're making could buy a lot of plane tickets. 1572 01:31:29,656 --> 01:31:30,240 Yeah? 1573 01:31:30,406 --> 01:31:33,492 Do you post as Magnolia Fan on Movie Poop Shoot. Com? 1574 01:31:33,534 --> 01:31:36,493 Yeah! 1575 01:31:36,618 --> 01:31:40,456 Did you write "Fuck Jay and Silent Bob." 1576 01:31:40,665 --> 01:31:43,166 "Fuck them in their stupid asses"? 1577 01:31:43,333 --> 01:31:45,085 Yeah, a while ago. So? 1578 01:31:54,718 --> 01:31:59,097 On Movie Poop Shoot.com did you say Jay and Silent Bob are... 1579 01:31:59,264 --> 01:32:01,891 quote, "fucking clown shoes and if they were real... 1580 01:32:02,100 --> 01:32:04,185 "I'd kick the shit out of them for being so stupid"? 1581 01:32:04,393 --> 01:32:05,727 - Yeah. - Really? 1582 01:32:27,536 --> 01:32:30,122 That's right. That's it. 1583 01:32:34,041 --> 01:32:40,423 Right. That's right. 1584 01:33:03,692 --> 01:33:05,360 That's beautiful, man. 1585 01:33:05,527 --> 01:33:07,780 That was worse than Clash Of The Titans 1586 01:33:07,946 --> 01:33:10,030 I can't believe Judy Dench played me. 1587 01:33:10,280 --> 01:33:13,325 Remind me to renew that Restraining Order. 1588 01:33:13,575 --> 01:33:14,034 Why? 1589 01:33:14,241 --> 01:33:16,327 I am gonna blast that flick on the internet tonight. 1590 01:33:16,577 --> 01:33:19,246 Why can't Hollywood ever makes a decent comic book movie? 1591 01:33:19,413 --> 01:33:20,830 Tell me, Steve-Dave. 1592 01:33:20,872 --> 01:33:22,248 Would you stop saying that? 1593 01:33:22,415 --> 01:33:25,292 That was just another paean to male adolescence... 1594 01:33:25,459 --> 01:33:27,126 and its refusal to grow up. 1595 01:33:27,293 --> 01:33:29,796 Yeah, sis, but it was better than Mall Rats. 1596 01:33:29,962 --> 01:33:32,881 At least Holden had the good sense to keep his name off of it. 1597 01:33:33,048 --> 01:33:36,427 Why wouldn't Miramax option his other comic instead? 1598 01:33:36,552 --> 01:33:40,180 The one with you and him and your relationship. 1599 01:33:40,347 --> 01:33:42,390 Chasing Amy? 1600 01:33:42,682 --> 01:33:44,391 That would never work as a movie. 1601 01:33:44,558 --> 01:33:46,852 I'm so fucking embarrassed. 1602 01:33:46,977 --> 01:33:48,230 Honey, you should be. 1603 01:33:48,438 --> 01:33:49,396 They took your characters... 1604 01:33:49,563 --> 01:33:52,149 and turned them into one 90-minute long gay joke. 1605 01:33:52,316 --> 01:33:53,943 It was like watching Batman and Robin again. 1606 01:33:54,151 --> 01:33:57,362 Thank, that means a lot coming from the guy who pretends be "Shaft"... 1607 01:33:57,445 --> 01:33:59,988 as opposed to the guy who takes shaft. 1608 01:34:00,030 --> 01:34:02,281 I don't hear you complaining nightly. 1609 01:34:02,323 --> 01:34:04,575 I don't get out to the movies much, but I have to say... 1610 01:34:04,700 --> 01:34:07,327 Bluntman & Chronic was blut-tastic. 1611 01:34:07,369 --> 01:34:09,913 Are these leg cuffs really necessary? 1612 01:34:10,080 --> 01:34:12,540 Don't make me shoot you, Justice. 1613 01:34:14,291 --> 01:34:17,002 The party's across the street featuring the greatest band in the world... 1614 01:34:17,044 --> 01:34:19,629 Morris Day and the Time. 1615 01:34:39,104 --> 01:34:40,856 I... 1616 01:34:41,064 --> 01:34:42,982 I... I been watching you. 1617 01:34:43,190 --> 01:34:45,609 I think I want to know you. 1618 01:34:46,694 --> 01:34:49,487 I said... I’m a little dangerous. 1619 01:34:50,697 --> 01:34:54,116 Girl I'd love to show you... 1620 01:34:54,283 --> 01:34:57,369 my jungle love. 1621 01:36:07,135 --> 01:36:10,513 I'd be like, "What, you don't know fucking Jay and Silent Bob... 1622 01:36:10,721 --> 01:36:13,390 the fucking mack-daddies of fucking Jersey"? 1623 01:36:13,557 --> 01:36:15,683 And she'd be like "Oh, I read on the internet that you guys..." 1624 01:36:15,892 --> 01:36:18,144 "are a couple of little fuck-holes!" 1625 01:36:58,636 --> 01:37:00,596 I got a bear skinned rug. Y'all sing it. 1626 01:37:02,346 --> 01:37:04,515 I got a fireplace. I can't hear you. 1627 01:37:06,142 --> 01:37:08,226 We're all the way live in L.A. 1628 01:37:09,853 --> 01:37:12,439 Oh, the things I could do to you.