1 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:10,000 Subtitles synced to fit: Jay.....2001.720p.BluRay.x264-SEPTiC by B[r]3 [ DeadlyBrEaThE@gmail.com ] 2 00:00:40,744 --> 00:00:43,413 Bobby-boy, stay while mommy picks up free cheese. 3 00:00:45,414 --> 00:00:47,709 This will keep the sun out of your eyes 4 00:00:47,876 --> 00:00:49,585 Be good. 5 00:00:55,925 --> 00:00:58,052 Don't you fucking move, you little shit machine. 6 00:00:58,219 --> 00:00:59,802 Mama's gonna try to score. 7 00:01:04,849 --> 00:01:07,810 Excuse me, who's watching these babies? 8 00:01:08,019 --> 00:01:10,273 The fat one's watching the little one? 9 00:01:10,315 --> 00:01:12,567 Nice parenting. 10 00:01:12,775 --> 00:01:15,070 Leave them out here like that and see what happens. 11 00:01:15,111 --> 00:01:17,364 Fuck you, you fucking square! 12 00:01:17,531 --> 00:01:19,281 Yeah, keep on trucking. 13 00:01:19,490 --> 00:01:21,910 Did you hear the fucking guy tell me how to fucking raise you? 14 00:01:22,077 --> 00:01:23,370 What a fucker man. 15 00:01:23,537 --> 00:01:24,829 Who does he think he fucking is? 16 00:01:24,954 --> 00:01:25,871 What's the worst that could fucking happen to you 17 00:01:25,996 --> 00:01:28,082 standing in front of a store? 18 00:01:28,249 --> 00:01:29,333 Fuck! 19 00:01:32,126 --> 00:01:33,795 Fuck. 20 00:01:34,587 --> 00:01:37,214 Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 21 00:01:37,339 --> 00:01:40,467 Fuck, fuck, mother-motherfuck- mother-motherfuck-fuck. 22 00:01:40,592 --> 00:01:42,553 Motherfuck, motherfuck- no inch, no inch, no inch. 23 00:01:42,719 --> 00:01:44,513 One, two, one-two-three-four. 24 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:46,265 No inch, no inch, no inch, no inch, 25 00:01:46,473 --> 00:01:49,852 Smoking weed, smoking weed, doing coke, drinking beers. 26 00:01:49,977 --> 00:01:53,688 Drinking beers, beers, beers. Rolling fatties, smoking blunts. 27 00:01:53,896 --> 00:01:55,648 Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts. 28 00:01:58,527 --> 00:02:00,153 Let me have a nickel bag. 29 00:02:00,278 --> 00:02:04,074 Fifteen bucks, little man. Put that shit in my hand. 30 00:02:04,158 --> 00:02:07,953 If that money doesn't show, then you owe me, owe me, owe. 31 00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:11,748 My Jungle Love. Oh-wee-oh-wee-oh! 32 00:02:11,915 --> 00:02:14,418 I think I want to know you, know you. 33 00:02:14,459 --> 00:02:16,961 What the hell are you singing? 34 00:02:17,128 --> 00:02:18,755 You don't know "Jungle Love"? 35 00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:20,257 That shit is the mad notes. 36 00:02:20,299 --> 00:02:21,550 Written by God herself... 37 00:02:21,758 --> 00:02:24,760 and handed down to the greatest band in the world. 38 00:02:24,927 --> 00:02:26,805 The motherfucking Time. 39 00:02:26,972 --> 00:02:28,556 You mean the guys in that Prince movie? 40 00:02:28,723 --> 00:02:29,599 Yeah, "Purple Rain." 41 00:02:29,765 --> 00:02:32,686 That shit was so gay. Fucking 80's style. 42 00:02:35,771 --> 00:02:38,232 Don't never say an unkind word about "The Time". 43 00:02:38,316 --> 00:02:40,776 Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives... 44 00:02:40,943 --> 00:02:42,111 around Morris Day and Jerome. 45 00:02:42,278 --> 00:02:45,239 I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy... 46 00:02:45,281 --> 00:02:48,241 and tubby here is my black man-servant. 47 00:02:48,366 --> 00:02:49,117 What? 48 00:02:49,284 --> 00:02:51,453 What did tell you two about dealing in front of the store? 49 00:02:51,661 --> 00:02:55,123 Drop the kid and pedal your wares someplace else, burn-boy. 50 00:02:56,500 --> 00:02:59,418 And for the record, "The Time" sucked ass. 51 00:03:01,379 --> 00:03:05,466 Want to hear something fucked up about him and that Quick-Stop boy? 52 00:03:07,887 --> 00:03:09,429 Are you supposed to be here today? 53 00:03:09,471 --> 00:03:11,014 Don't get me started. 54 00:03:11,181 --> 00:03:13,183 Can't we do something about those two stoners... 55 00:03:13,308 --> 00:03:15,019 hanging around outside the store all the time? 56 00:03:15,227 --> 00:03:16,394 Why? What did they do now? 57 00:03:16,561 --> 00:03:18,355 I'm trying to watch "Clash Of The Titans" 58 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:19,105 and all I can hear is... 59 00:03:19,272 --> 00:03:21,732 those two screaming about Morris Day at the top of their lungs. 60 00:03:21,899 --> 00:03:24,236 I thought the fat one didn't talk that much. 61 00:03:24,277 --> 00:03:26,570 What, am I producing an A & E biography about them? 62 00:03:26,820 --> 00:03:30,449 Two packs of wraps. How is the service? 63 00:03:30,616 --> 00:03:32,284 What service? 64 00:03:32,368 --> 00:03:34,035 The one at the Unitarian Church last week... 65 00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:36,120 where you two got married to each other 66 00:03:36,247 --> 00:03:37,706 What the hell are you talking about? 67 00:03:37,873 --> 00:03:39,666 Jay said you guys had a "Star Wars" theme wedding... 68 00:03:39,833 --> 00:03:42,085 and you tied the knot dressed like Storm Troopers. 69 00:03:42,168 --> 00:03:44,420 And he says you're the bitch and you're butch. 70 00:03:44,546 --> 00:03:45,839 I'm the bitch? 71 00:03:45,964 --> 00:03:47,549 If we were gay, that's the way I'd see it. 72 00:03:47,674 --> 00:03:48,591 Will you shut up? 73 00:03:48,716 --> 00:03:51,094 Holy shit, dude-the honeymoon's over. 74 00:03:51,261 --> 00:03:52,762 That does it. 75 00:03:52,887 --> 00:03:55,223 I am gonna do something about these two stoner fucks... 76 00:03:55,390 --> 00:03:57,182 I should've done a long time ago. 77 00:03:59,394 --> 00:04:01,145 What the fuck, Serpico? What'd we do? 78 00:04:01,311 --> 00:04:04,775 We got a report of two guys hanging around a store selling pot. 79 00:04:04,984 --> 00:04:06,569 We don't smoke pot. 80 00:04:06,735 --> 00:04:09,487 No pot? What do you use this for? 81 00:04:09,612 --> 00:04:12,658 I have a wiping problem, I stick those little pieces of paper... 82 00:04:12,700 --> 00:04:15,660 over my brown eye and bam! - No shit stains on my undies. 83 00:04:15,827 --> 00:04:17,453 You don't believe me? I'll show you. 84 00:04:17,912 --> 00:04:18,663 Check this out. 85 00:04:18,873 --> 00:04:21,040 Just spread my cheeks and you can see the stink nuggets. 86 00:04:21,124 --> 00:04:23,293 Pull up your fucking pants, sir. 87 00:04:23,459 --> 00:04:25,419 Now! 88 00:04:26,171 --> 00:04:28,923 Let's go. We're going down to the station. 89 00:04:28,965 --> 00:04:31,717 What, is it a crime to fart? Motherfucker 90 00:04:32,759 --> 00:04:34,262 No fucking way! 91 00:04:34,470 --> 00:04:37,222 Dante and Randal slapped you with a restraining order? 92 00:04:37,388 --> 00:04:39,098 Ain't that about a bitch? 93 00:04:39,140 --> 00:04:40,851 Are you gonna abide by the court's ruling... 94 00:04:40,976 --> 00:04:43,101 or are you gonna go bandit, Reynold's style? 95 00:04:43,268 --> 00:04:45,562 Judge said if we go within a hundred feet of the store... 96 00:04:45,729 --> 00:04:47,273 we get thrown into County. 97 00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:49,107 You know what they make you do in County? 98 00:04:49,232 --> 00:04:51,318 Toss the salad. 99 00:04:51,359 --> 00:04:53,403 If you guys really wanted to hang out in front of a convenience store... 100 00:04:53,570 --> 00:04:56,323 you could buy your own with all that money you guys made. 101 00:04:56,490 --> 00:04:58,575 Hell, yeah, bitch. 102 00:04:58,700 --> 00:04:59,992 Wait a second-what money? 103 00:05:00,159 --> 00:05:02,915 The money from the Bluntman And Chronic movie. 104 00:05:06,584 --> 00:05:08,921 Oh my God, don't tell me you have no idea... 105 00:05:09,046 --> 00:05:11,048 that there's a movie being made of the comic... 106 00:05:11,173 --> 00:05:13,257 you two were the basis for? 107 00:05:13,424 --> 00:05:15,676 What? Since when? 108 00:05:15,843 --> 00:05:19,638 Here's the pulse. And this is your finger... 109 00:05:19,805 --> 00:05:22,892 far from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass. 110 00:05:24,100 --> 00:05:26,853 Would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? 111 00:05:28,063 --> 00:05:32,692 If you read Wizard, you'd know that it's the top story this month. 112 00:05:32,901 --> 00:05:34,319 Check it out. 113 00:05:36,695 --> 00:05:38,114 When the fuck did this happen? 114 00:05:38,281 --> 00:05:40,158 After-X-Men hit at the box office... 115 00:05:40,283 --> 00:05:42,535 all the studios started buying every comic property... 116 00:05:42,618 --> 00:05:44,830 they could get their dirty little hands on. 117 00:05:45,038 --> 00:05:47,498 Miramax optioned Bluntman And Chronic. 118 00:05:47,623 --> 00:05:48,123 Miramax? 119 00:05:48,290 --> 00:05:50,583 I thought they only made classy pictures... 120 00:05:50,625 --> 00:05:52,794 like The Piano, or The Crying Game. 121 00:05:52,961 --> 00:05:55,922 Once they made She's All That, everything went to hell. 122 00:05:56,047 --> 00:05:59,135 You're saying you haven't gotten a monetary cut of the movie? 123 00:05:59,301 --> 00:06:01,138 Didn't Holden McNeil and Banky Edwards... 124 00:06:01,179 --> 00:06:02,931 used to pay you likeness rights for the comic book? 125 00:06:03,140 --> 00:06:05,559 We haven't seen a fucking dime for no movie. 126 00:06:05,725 --> 00:06:08,728 I'm no lawyer, but I think Holden and Banky... 127 00:06:08,895 --> 00:06:11,689 owe you some of that proverbial "fat cash". 128 00:06:11,772 --> 00:06:13,900 If I was you guys, I'd find Holden McNeil... 129 00:06:14,109 --> 00:06:15,734 and ask for my movie check. 130 00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:18,319 Shit, yeah, we gots to get paid! 131 00:06:18,528 --> 00:06:20,990 And on that note, we cue the music. 132 00:06:37,838 --> 00:06:41,884 Look at these morose motherfuckers right here. 133 00:06:42,050 --> 00:06:46,971 Smells like somebody shit in their cereal. Bunngg! 134 00:06:47,805 --> 00:06:49,475 Come on in. 135 00:06:50,433 --> 00:06:52,977 What brings you two dirt merchants to my neck of the woods? 136 00:06:53,186 --> 00:06:55,522 I'll tell you what our necks are doing in your woods. 137 00:06:55,606 --> 00:06:57,483 Where's our motherfucking movie check? 138 00:06:57,524 --> 00:06:59,402 You heard about that, huh? 139 00:06:59,527 --> 00:07:00,236 I got nothing to do with it. 140 00:07:00,445 --> 00:07:00,987 That's Banky's deal. 141 00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:01,779 He owns the property now. 142 00:07:01,946 --> 00:07:04,698 I sold my half of the Bluntman and Chronic rights to him years ago. 143 00:07:04,823 --> 00:07:06,825 Why the fuck would you do a thing like that? 144 00:07:06,992 --> 00:07:10,537 Why in Gods' name would I want to keep writing about characters... 145 00:07:10,621 --> 00:07:14,123 whose central preoccupation is weed and dick and fart jokes. 146 00:07:14,290 --> 00:07:16,502 You gotta grow, man. 147 00:07:16,710 --> 00:07:19,087 Don't you want anything more for yourself? 148 00:07:19,171 --> 00:07:21,464 I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. 149 00:07:22,965 --> 00:07:26,302 I look into his sorry, doe eyes and I see a man crying out. 150 00:07:26,552 --> 00:07:27,970 He's crying out "When, Lord?" 151 00:07:28,137 --> 00:07:30,473 When the fuck can your servant... 152 00:07:30,682 --> 00:07:33,226 ditch this foul mouthed little chucklehead... 153 00:07:33,392 --> 00:07:35,895 to whom I am a constant victim of his folly. 154 00:07:36,020 --> 00:07:38,356 So much so that it prevents me from ever getting a girl. 155 00:07:38,523 --> 00:07:40,023 Fuck! When, Lord, when? 156 00:07:40,190 --> 00:07:42,108 When's gonna be my time? 157 00:07:45,570 --> 00:07:46,571 He knows. 158 00:07:46,738 --> 00:07:48,156 I'm the chucklehead? 159 00:07:48,365 --> 00:07:49,573 You're the fucking dumb ass... 160 00:07:49,698 --> 00:07:50,699 who gave your comic away. 161 00:07:50,866 --> 00:07:53,161 Now you don't get no fucking movie check neither. 162 00:07:53,328 --> 00:07:54,745 When you're right, you're right. 163 00:07:54,870 --> 00:07:56,872 I wish I'd held on to a little piece of that thing because... 164 00:07:57,039 --> 00:08:00,253 if the buzz is any sign, that movie's gonna make some huge bank. 165 00:08:00,418 --> 00:08:01,837 What buzz? 166 00:08:02,045 --> 00:08:03,129 The internet buzz. 167 00:08:03,255 --> 00:08:05,423 What the fuck is the internet? 168 00:08:05,590 --> 00:08:07,968 The internet is a communications tool used the world over... 169 00:08:08,176 --> 00:08:09,970 where people can come together to bitch about movies... 170 00:08:10,137 --> 00:08:11,054 and share pornography. 171 00:08:11,221 --> 00:08:14,432 Like this-Movie Poop Shoot-dot-com. 172 00:08:14,599 --> 00:08:16,225 Poop shoot, yeah. 173 00:08:16,809 --> 00:08:19,185 This is a site populated by militant movie buffs. 174 00:08:19,352 --> 00:08:22,815 Sad, pathetic little bastards living in their parents' basement... 175 00:08:22,940 --> 00:08:26,276 downloading scripts and what they think is inside information... 176 00:08:26,484 --> 00:08:29,071 about movies and actors that they claim to despise yet... 177 00:08:29,238 --> 00:08:30,321 can't stop discussing. 178 00:08:30,572 --> 00:08:32,365 Okay, this is about Bluntman & Chronic. 179 00:08:32,490 --> 00:08:35,952 "Inside sources tell me Miramax is starting production this Friday..." 180 00:08:36,119 --> 00:08:39,330 "on their adaptation of underground comic fav Bluntman & Chronic." 181 00:08:39,539 --> 00:08:40,290 Friday? Shit. 182 00:08:40,498 --> 00:08:42,167 Does it say who's playing us in the movie? 183 00:08:42,333 --> 00:08:43,251 No, but it's Miramax, 184 00:08:43,418 --> 00:08:45,712 so I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. 185 00:08:45,879 --> 00:08:47,212 They put them in a bunch of movies. 186 00:08:47,379 --> 00:08:47,921 Who? 187 00:08:48,046 --> 00:08:50,049 Those kids from "Good Will Hunting". 188 00:08:50,175 --> 00:08:52,302 You mean that fucking movie with Mork from Ork in it? 189 00:08:52,343 --> 00:08:54,386 I wasn't a big fan either. 190 00:08:54,553 --> 00:08:56,974 But Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms". 191 00:08:57,224 --> 00:08:59,851 Word, bitch. "Phantoms" was a motherfucker! 192 00:09:02,813 --> 00:09:04,023 Here we go. 193 00:09:04,106 --> 00:09:05,273 This is the shoot back section. 194 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:08,735 This is where the people get to chime in with their two cents. 195 00:09:08,860 --> 00:09:12,447 Here's a guy with the chick-magnet name "Wampa One"... 196 00:09:12,614 --> 00:09:15,283 opining on what he thinks about Bluntman & Chronic. 197 00:09:15,450 --> 00:09:16,116 He says... 198 00:09:16,241 --> 00:09:18,369 "Bluntman & Chronic and their stupid alter egos Jay & Silent Bob... 199 00:09:18,453 --> 00:09:20,538 "only work in small doses, if at all." 200 00:09:20,705 --> 00:09:22,623 "They don't deserve their own movie." 201 00:09:22,789 --> 00:09:23,415 He's got a point. 202 00:09:23,582 --> 00:09:25,043 Fuck him. What's the next one say? 203 00:09:25,210 --> 00:09:27,128 This is entitled "Fuck Them Up Their Stupid Asses". 204 00:09:27,295 --> 00:09:30,004 "Bluntman & Chronic is the worst comic I ever read." 205 00:09:30,212 --> 00:09:32,298 "Jay & Silent Bob are stupid characters." 206 00:09:32,507 --> 00:09:34,925 "A couple of stoners who spout dumb ass catch phrases..." 207 00:09:34,966 --> 00:09:37,344 "like a third rate Cheech & Chong, or Bill & Ted." 208 00:09:37,511 --> 00:09:42,641 "Fuck Jay & Silent Bob! Fuck them up their stupid asses!" 209 00:09:42,808 --> 00:09:44,601 Who the fuck said that shit? 210 00:09:44,768 --> 00:09:47,729 He calls himself Magnolia Fan. Check this one out. 211 00:09:47,771 --> 00:09:50,691 "Jay & Silent Bob are one-note jokes that only stoners laugh at." 212 00:09:50,817 --> 00:09:53,821 "They are fucking clown shoes." 213 00:09:53,987 --> 00:09:57,740 "If they were real I'd beat the shit out of them for being so stupid." 214 00:09:57,865 --> 00:10:00,410 "I will be boycotting this movie. Who is with me?" 215 00:10:00,577 --> 00:10:02,870 Then there's fifty more posts of people... 216 00:10:03,037 --> 00:10:04,746 who are joining this guy's boycott. 217 00:10:04,996 --> 00:10:07,542 I'm gonna kill all these fucks. 218 00:10:07,625 --> 00:10:10,210 Let it go. They're not talking about you guys. 219 00:10:10,335 --> 00:10:12,087 They're talking about Bluntman & Chronic. 220 00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:15,590 But they said Jay & Silent Bob. 221 00:10:15,757 --> 00:10:16,758 They used our real names. 222 00:10:16,925 --> 00:10:18,927 It doesn't matter if there's a comic version... 223 00:10:19,094 --> 00:10:21,972 because no one knows we're real in real life. 224 00:10:22,139 --> 00:10:25,975 And all the people reading that shit think the real Jay & Silent Bob... 225 00:10:26,142 --> 00:10:28,395 are a couple of jerk-offs because of what these dick-heads... 226 00:10:28,562 --> 00:10:30,730 are writing about the comic Jay & Silent Bob. 227 00:10:30,897 --> 00:10:34,441 Maybe one night me and lunch-box are making some chick and she says... 228 00:10:34,608 --> 00:10:37,820 "Oooh, I want to suck your dicks off. 229 00:10:38,028 --> 00:10:39,488 What're your names?" 230 00:10:39,655 --> 00:10:42,616 And I say "Jay & Silent Bob. Recognize." 231 00:10:42,741 --> 00:10:44,784 And she says "I read on the internet that..." 232 00:10:44,951 --> 00:10:48,205 "you guys were a couple of little fucking jerk-offs." 233 00:10:48,372 --> 00:10:51,000 And then she goes and sucks two other guys dicks off instead. 234 00:10:51,125 --> 00:10:52,919 Fuck that! 235 00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:54,796 We got to put a stop to these fucking hateful... 236 00:10:55,004 --> 00:10:57,757 sons of bitches before they ruin our good names. 237 00:10:57,924 --> 00:10:59,718 First of all, I don't know how good your names are... 238 00:10:59,885 --> 00:11:02,428 and second, there's not much you can do about stopping this bile. 239 00:11:02,553 --> 00:11:04,055 The internet has given everyone in America a voice... 240 00:11:04,222 --> 00:11:06,639 and everyone in America has chosen to use that voice... 241 00:11:06,764 --> 00:11:07,640 to bitch about movies. 242 00:11:07,765 --> 00:11:09,058 As long as there's Bluntman & Chronic movie... 243 00:11:09,225 --> 00:11:12,437 the net nerds are gonna have something negative to say. 244 00:11:12,645 --> 00:11:13,646 Wait a second. 245 00:11:13,897 --> 00:11:16,357 If there wasn't a Bluntman & Chronic movie... 246 00:11:16,399 --> 00:11:18,859 then those fuckers wouldn't be saying shit about Jay & Silent Bob. 247 00:11:19,109 --> 00:11:21,612 They're not saying anything about you now. 248 00:11:21,653 --> 00:11:24,197 They're talking about fictional characters. 249 00:11:24,363 --> 00:11:26,867 Fictional characters. 250 00:11:27,034 --> 00:11:30,077 Am I getting through to you at all? 251 00:11:30,119 --> 00:11:33,123 So all we gotta do is stop the fucking movie from getting made. 252 00:11:33,332 --> 00:11:36,542 And forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars... 253 00:11:36,709 --> 00:11:38,795 that you two would be entitled to in the process. 254 00:11:38,961 --> 00:11:40,255 Are you fucking retarded? 255 00:11:40,422 --> 00:11:43,132 I don't think I'm alone in the world... 256 00:11:43,341 --> 00:11:46,137 Greedo shooting first. 257 00:11:46,304 --> 00:11:49,723 A Jay & Silent Bob movie? 258 00:11:49,890 --> 00:11:52,685 Who'd pay to see that? 259 00:11:56,855 --> 00:11:59,023 But, since it appears inevitable, I recommend that you... 260 00:11:59,190 --> 00:12:02,653 go hunt Banky down and get your mother fucking movie check... 261 00:12:02,861 --> 00:12:05,488 as you succinctly put it, because that's what's important, right? 262 00:12:05,655 --> 00:12:08,325 No, Holden McNeil. 263 00:12:08,492 --> 00:12:10,952 The important thing here is a bunch of mother fuckers... 264 00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:13,871 we don't even know calling us assholes on the internet... 265 00:12:13,955 --> 00:12:16,666 to teenagers and guys who can't even get laid. 266 00:12:16,833 --> 00:12:19,627 Putting a stop to that is the most important thing we could ever do. 267 00:12:19,669 --> 00:12:22,296 When is this movie getting made? 268 00:12:22,463 --> 00:12:23,756 They start this Friday. 269 00:12:23,923 --> 00:12:28,052 So, if today is Tuesday, that gives us... 270 00:12:29,887 --> 00:12:31,471 eight days. 271 00:12:31,638 --> 00:12:33,473 Three by my count, but close. 272 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:35,307 My bad. 273 00:12:35,474 --> 00:12:38,728 Three days to stop that fucking stupid movie from getting made. 274 00:12:38,895 --> 00:12:41,730 C'mon, Silent Bob- we're going to Hollywood. 275 00:13:03,794 --> 00:13:04,463 Tickets? 276 00:13:04,629 --> 00:13:06,839 Since when did they start charging for the bus? 277 00:13:07,006 --> 00:13:10,216 Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free? 278 00:13:14,263 --> 00:13:15,221 This sucks balls, man. 279 00:13:15,388 --> 00:13:17,348 How come we ain't getting no rides? 280 00:13:18,099 --> 00:13:20,560 Because you're doing it all wrong. 281 00:13:21,811 --> 00:13:25,523 You gotta give the driver a little incentive. 282 00:13:25,733 --> 00:13:26,983 Like how? 283 00:13:27,150 --> 00:13:28,318 Like this. 284 00:13:30,737 --> 00:13:32,154 But what happens when they pick you up and you don't... 285 00:13:32,196 --> 00:13:33,573 make with the head? 286 00:13:33,740 --> 00:13:35,200 Don't they kick your ass to the curb? 287 00:13:35,366 --> 00:13:38,035 Sure, if you don't make with the head. 288 00:13:41,999 --> 00:13:45,584 Yeah. If it'll get me a couple hundred miles across the country... 289 00:13:45,751 --> 00:13:48,088 I'll take a shot in the mouth. 290 00:13:48,255 --> 00:13:49,756 But we ain't gay. 291 00:13:49,923 --> 00:13:52,300 Don't be so suburban. 292 00:13:52,425 --> 00:13:53,760 It's the new millennium. 293 00:13:53,927 --> 00:13:57,055 Gay, straight- it's all the same now. 294 00:13:57,222 --> 00:13:59,349 There are no more lines. 295 00:13:59,974 --> 00:14:02,852 There's a line, and on the side of it we ain't gay. 296 00:14:02,977 --> 00:14:05,688 All the hitchers do this. 297 00:14:05,939 --> 00:14:07,898 Why do you think people pick us up? 298 00:14:08,065 --> 00:14:10,109 If you get a ride, it's expected. 299 00:14:10,235 --> 00:14:12,529 I don't care who the driver is. 300 00:14:12,695 --> 00:14:15,740 It's the first rule in the book. 301 00:14:15,907 --> 00:14:17,408 What book? 302 00:14:17,534 --> 00:14:20,408 The unwritten book of the road. 303 00:14:36,423 --> 00:14:38,719 Follow the rules of the book... 304 00:14:38,761 --> 00:14:41,013 and you'll get where you're going in no time. 305 00:14:41,180 --> 00:14:42,889 Excuse me. 306 00:15:11,125 --> 00:15:12,586 You both don't have to sit back there. 307 00:15:12,711 --> 00:15:15,338 Why doesn't one of you come sit next to me? 308 00:15:22,387 --> 00:15:23,679 Where are you boys from? 309 00:15:23,846 --> 00:15:25,181 New Jersey. 310 00:15:25,222 --> 00:15:26,516 But we're on our way to Hollywood. 311 00:15:26,683 --> 00:15:29,560 Hollywood, huh? That's far away. 312 00:15:29,727 --> 00:15:31,854 Thank God you picked us up. 313 00:15:32,021 --> 00:15:35,523 Do unto others- that's what the book says. 314 00:15:35,773 --> 00:15:38,068 Wait a second- you follow the book too? 315 00:15:38,277 --> 00:15:40,278 I live my life by it. 316 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,281 - You? - Of course. 317 00:15:42,448 --> 00:15:45,535 So you live by the book, too? 318 00:15:45,744 --> 00:15:49,206 You picked us up, didn't you? I have to. 319 00:15:49,790 --> 00:15:50,999 That's good to hear... 320 00:15:51,208 --> 00:15:54,502 but it's a lot easier to say you live by the book... 321 00:15:54,668 --> 00:15:57,004 than to actually do it. 322 00:15:57,171 --> 00:16:01,174 Can you do it? All right. 323 00:16:20,484 --> 00:16:21,734 I can't believe this shit. 324 00:16:21,901 --> 00:16:23,153 Five hours and not a single ride. 325 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:26,740 Every day people hitch to Hollywood... 326 00:16:26,864 --> 00:16:29,867 but when you and me try it's like we're trapped in a fucking cartoon. 327 00:16:46,927 --> 00:16:48,637 Zoinks. 328 00:16:48,804 --> 00:16:50,721 Now we can finally solve the mystery of the hitchhiking ghouls. 329 00:16:50,930 --> 00:16:53,183 Pull off their masks and let's see who they really are. 330 00:16:53,809 --> 00:16:54,810 I don't think they are masks. 331 00:16:54,935 --> 00:16:57,687 And I don't think they're hitchhiking girls, either. 332 00:16:57,895 --> 00:17:00,107 Ghouls, you fucking moron, not girls. 333 00:17:00,274 --> 00:17:02,775 I wish they were hitchhiking girl. 334 00:17:02,859 --> 00:17:05,319 Sexy, hitchhiking girls. 335 00:17:05,486 --> 00:17:06,280 Let's kick them out. 336 00:17:06,405 --> 00:17:07,780 We have a mystery to solve. 337 00:17:07,947 --> 00:17:10,199 The only mystery here is why we take our cues... 338 00:17:10,408 --> 00:17:12,618 from a dick in a neckerchief. 339 00:17:12,786 --> 00:17:13,536 Keep it up, beatnik. 340 00:17:13,661 --> 00:17:14,912 I'll feed you to the fucking dog. 341 00:17:15,079 --> 00:17:17,790 I can't take all this fighting. 342 00:17:20,835 --> 00:17:23,128 You guys need to turn those frowns upside down. 343 00:17:23,336 --> 00:17:25,379 And I got just the thing for that. 344 00:17:26,130 --> 00:17:27,883 We call it... 345 00:17:28,091 --> 00:17:30,010 doobie snacks. 346 00:17:52,407 --> 00:17:54,617 Hi, Jay and Silent Bob. 347 00:17:59,747 --> 00:18:01,122 I think they passed out. 348 00:18:01,331 --> 00:18:03,751 Great. What do we do with them now? 349 00:18:03,918 --> 00:18:06,252 Let's cut out their kidneys and sell them on the black market... 350 00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:09,380 and leave them in a seedy motel bathtub full of ice. 351 00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:19,098 You see something? 352 00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:20,725 Anything? 353 00:18:20,892 --> 00:18:23,144 I had a horrible dream. 354 00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:25,814 Man, I'm hungry. 355 00:18:26,022 --> 00:18:27,857 Where can we get some breakfast? 356 00:18:39,829 --> 00:18:40,995 Yeah. 357 00:18:47,919 --> 00:18:49,546 Check that shit out. 358 00:18:49,671 --> 00:18:50,630 The internet. 359 00:18:50,755 --> 00:18:52,258 Let's see if those fucks wrote something new about us... 360 00:18:52,423 --> 00:18:53,758 or that stupid-ass flick. 361 00:18:57,178 --> 00:19:00,640 "Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob are gonna lick balls..." 362 00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:03,143 "because they both, in fact, lick balls." 363 00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:04,643 Mother fucker. 364 00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:06,479 It's time we wrote something back. 365 00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:07,605 Type this shit down. 366 00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:11,189 All you mother fuckers are gonna pay. 367 00:19:11,398 --> 00:19:14,652 You are the ones who are the ball lickers. 368 00:19:14,819 --> 00:19:17,362 We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry... 369 00:19:17,571 --> 00:19:18,947 like little whiny bitches. 370 00:19:19,030 --> 00:19:20,407 One we get to Hollywood... 371 00:19:20,574 --> 00:19:22,826 and find those Miramax fucks who are making the movie... 372 00:19:22,951 --> 00:19:26,413 we're gonna make them eat our shit- then shit out our shit... 373 00:19:26,580 --> 00:19:29,709 and eat their shit that's made up of our shit that we make them eat. 374 00:19:29,750 --> 00:19:32,837 And then all you mother fucks are next. 375 00:19:33,420 --> 00:19:35,840 Love, Jay & Silent Bob. 376 00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:37,801 That'll show those fucks. 377 00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:39,177 Now we can eat our Egga-Mooby Muffin 378 00:19:39,343 --> 00:19:42,055 then get back on the road, go to Hollywood and stop those fucks... 379 00:19:42,222 --> 00:19:43,515 from making that movie. 380 00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:45,349 No more hairy bush nuns, no more dogs. 381 00:19:45,516 --> 00:19:47,184 We keep our eye on the prize. 382 00:19:47,267 --> 00:19:48,935 And let nothing... 383 00:19:49,061 --> 00:19:51,271 and I mean nothing distract us. 384 00:20:01,448 --> 00:20:03,825 Holy shit! 385 00:21:04,550 --> 00:21:05,509 Oh, my God. 386 00:21:05,676 --> 00:21:07,511 Do you get free refills with that? 387 00:21:07,678 --> 00:21:09,763 This? No, I use this for protection. 388 00:21:09,930 --> 00:21:13,349 So that no guys try to grab my shit or anything. 389 00:21:14,226 --> 00:21:15,727 Hi, I'm Justice. 390 00:21:16,437 --> 00:21:18,104 And I am so fucking yours. 391 00:21:19,856 --> 00:21:20,857 I mean- hi, I'm Jay. 392 00:21:21,442 --> 00:21:23,735 And this is my hetero life-mate, Silent Bob. 393 00:21:23,902 --> 00:21:24,945 It's nice to meet you. 394 00:21:25,112 --> 00:21:27,322 Justice, huh? That's a nice name. 395 00:21:27,489 --> 00:21:30,659 Jay and Justice sitting in a tree... 396 00:21:30,826 --> 00:21:33,580 f-u-c-k-i-n-g. 397 00:21:33,746 --> 00:21:35,790 So you come around here often? 398 00:21:35,957 --> 00:21:38,000 I'm not from around here. 399 00:21:38,041 --> 00:21:40,043 My friends and I are on a road trip. 400 00:21:40,210 --> 00:21:41,210 Friends, huh? 401 00:21:41,377 --> 00:21:42,253 Where are they at? 402 00:21:42,420 --> 00:21:46,133 Out there by that van. 403 00:22:08,738 --> 00:22:09,530 Hi. 404 00:22:09,739 --> 00:22:12,408 Dude, I think I just filled the cup. 405 00:22:14,993 --> 00:22:19,790 Ladies, ladies, ladies - Jay and Silent Bob are in the house. 406 00:22:20,457 --> 00:22:22,500 Who the fuck are these guys? 407 00:22:22,708 --> 00:22:25,420 This is Jay and Silent Bob. 408 00:22:25,462 --> 00:22:28,088 Guys, this is Sissy, Missy and Chrissy. 409 00:22:28,255 --> 00:22:30,466 Where the fuck did they come from? 410 00:22:30,633 --> 00:22:31,301 I met them inside. 411 00:22:31,510 --> 00:22:32,302 They're gonna hitch a ride. 412 00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:34,971 I don't know if that's such a good idea 413 00:22:35,138 --> 00:22:36,890 Sure it is, Jugs. 414 00:22:36,932 --> 00:22:38,642 Oh, my God! 415 00:22:38,850 --> 00:22:40,352 He just called Sissy "Jugs". 416 00:22:40,519 --> 00:22:42,229 - I'm on it. - Chrissy, no! 417 00:22:42,395 --> 00:22:43,522 We're in the middle of suburbia. 418 00:22:43,730 --> 00:22:44,898 Let's try and act like it. 419 00:22:45,065 --> 00:22:45,815 What's with the knife? 420 00:22:45,940 --> 00:22:46,983 We having cake or something? 421 00:22:47,192 --> 00:22:48,485 Shit. 422 00:22:48,652 --> 00:22:49,819 He's retarded to boot. 423 00:22:49,985 --> 00:22:52,028 She called you retarded. 424 00:22:52,237 --> 00:22:53,571 What is wrong with you, Justice? 425 00:22:53,781 --> 00:22:55,324 You do remember where we're going, don't you? 426 00:22:55,574 --> 00:22:56,950 And we have a job to do. 427 00:22:56,991 --> 00:22:58,368 They're just gonna tag along for a few miles. 428 00:22:58,535 --> 00:22:59,869 They won't get in the way, I swear. 429 00:23:00,078 --> 00:23:02,581 I swear I don't know what's going on in your fucking brain lately. 430 00:23:02,831 --> 00:23:04,207 Please? 431 00:23:04,374 --> 00:23:06,000 Fine, they can ride with us. 432 00:23:06,126 --> 00:23:08,462 But they are so out of here before we get to Boulder. 433 00:23:08,628 --> 00:23:09,504 Honest injun. 434 00:23:09,671 --> 00:23:11,714 - Honest injun. - Shut up. 435 00:23:11,756 --> 00:23:13,716 I can't believe what a pushover you are 436 00:23:13,883 --> 00:23:16,511 And I can't believe fine-ass bitches like yourself eat that shit. 437 00:23:16,678 --> 00:23:18,764 Don't you know fast food makes girls fart? 438 00:23:18,931 --> 00:23:21,391 What's all this talk about farting? 439 00:23:21,599 --> 00:23:24,728 Hi, Brent. 440 00:23:24,895 --> 00:23:27,896 This is Brent. He's with us, too. 441 00:23:27,938 --> 00:23:30,776 Brent, tell these sillies that girls don't fart. 442 00:23:30,985 --> 00:23:33,278 Of course they don't. 443 00:23:33,486 --> 00:23:35,780 Only skeevy stoners fart. 444 00:23:36,072 --> 00:23:37,324 What up, homies? 445 00:23:37,450 --> 00:23:40,743 Wow, three guys, four girls. 446 00:23:40,910 --> 00:23:42,829 What's the count, boys? 447 00:23:42,996 --> 00:23:44,164 Let's rock. 448 00:23:45,039 --> 00:23:47,542 Dear Mr. Science guy... 449 00:23:47,750 --> 00:23:50,670 don't spray that aerosol in my eye. 450 00:23:53,339 --> 00:23:57,508 I don't really want to die. 451 00:23:57,676 --> 00:23:59,845 I'm a noble rabbit. 452 00:24:01,053 --> 00:24:03,013 What are you guys, a cover band or something? 453 00:24:03,263 --> 00:24:05,683 We're the Kansas state chapter of SAAC- 454 00:24:05,850 --> 00:24:07,768 Students Against Animal Cruelty. 455 00:24:07,934 --> 00:24:11,396 We're on our way to Colorado to give Provasik a piece of our minds. 456 00:24:13,523 --> 00:24:16,569 What the fuck are you bitches babbling about? 457 00:24:16,736 --> 00:24:19,238 Hey! Watch the language, little boy. 458 00:24:19,322 --> 00:24:21,783 There are females present. 459 00:24:21,949 --> 00:24:25,869 Provasik Pharmaceuticals is a medical lab where they perform... 460 00:24:26,037 --> 00:24:27,706 gross experiments on animals. 461 00:24:27,873 --> 00:24:31,709 What kind of animals are we talking about? Bears, Rhinos? 462 00:24:31,918 --> 00:24:33,295 No! 463 00:24:33,545 --> 00:24:37,340 More like dogs, cats, rabbits, muskrats, beavers. 464 00:24:37,507 --> 00:24:39,216 Heck, even monkeys. 465 00:24:39,382 --> 00:24:41,676 If we don't speak up for them, who will? 466 00:24:41,718 --> 00:24:44,012 Right, Jussy? 467 00:24:44,137 --> 00:24:45,722 Right, Brent. 468 00:24:50,894 --> 00:24:53,604 Brent, can I talk to you over here for a second? 469 00:25:01,655 --> 00:25:05,324 Be honest, you're down with this for the fine-ass pussy, right? 470 00:25:05,533 --> 00:25:09,121 I'm down with this because I love animals, stupid. 471 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:11,163 Even sheep? 472 00:25:11,330 --> 00:25:12,248 Of course. 473 00:25:12,373 --> 00:25:14,583 Sheep are beautiful creatures. 474 00:25:14,750 --> 00:25:16,461 They are beautiful, aren't they? 475 00:25:16,503 --> 00:25:18,170 Oh God, yes. 476 00:25:18,879 --> 00:25:20,589 So that means you'd fuck a sheep, right? 477 00:25:20,714 --> 00:25:22,674 What is your damage, little boy? 478 00:25:22,842 --> 00:25:25,052 You have a sick and twisted world perspective. 479 00:25:25,219 --> 00:25:28,597 You're misunderstanding me, Prince Valiant. 480 00:25:28,806 --> 00:25:30,934 I mean if you were another sheep. 481 00:25:31,059 --> 00:25:33,853 Would you fuck a sheep if you were another sheep? 482 00:25:36,104 --> 00:25:38,691 Since you put it that way... 483 00:25:38,899 --> 00:25:39,817 you bet your ass I would. 484 00:25:40,608 --> 00:25:42,735 I thought so. 485 00:25:43,653 --> 00:25:44,905 This mother fucker ain't one of us. 486 00:25:45,072 --> 00:25:46,990 He said he'd fuck a sheep. 487 00:25:49,951 --> 00:25:52,911 Now who's stupid, you dirty sheep fucker? 488 00:26:04,297 --> 00:26:07,050 - What the fuck are we gonna do? - Shut up, I'm thinking. 489 00:26:07,885 --> 00:26:09,594 Is Hollywood near where we're going? 490 00:26:09,761 --> 00:26:11,513 Is that where you guys are from? 491 00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:12,389 Yeah, right. 492 00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:14,517 Jersey represent. 493 00:26:14,642 --> 00:26:16,477 Oh, a Jersey boy. 494 00:26:16,727 --> 00:26:18,729 What brings you all the way out here? 495 00:26:18,937 --> 00:26:20,315 We couldn't hang around the Quick-Stop no more... 496 00:26:20,356 --> 00:26:21,732 because of the restraining order. 497 00:26:21,940 --> 00:26:23,025 Which sucks ass... 498 00:26:23,150 --> 00:26:25,737 because it's been mine and Silent Bob's home since we were kinds. 499 00:26:25,904 --> 00:26:28,322 Silent Bob even busted his cherry there 500 00:26:28,363 --> 00:26:30,657 You did? 501 00:26:30,866 --> 00:26:34,286 I bet she was a lucky girl. 502 00:26:36,079 --> 00:26:38,040 Fuck that fat fuck! 503 00:26:38,206 --> 00:26:40,416 I'm trying to tell a story. 504 00:26:40,583 --> 00:26:41,919 Sorry. 505 00:26:42,086 --> 00:26:44,003 We were talking to Brodie... 506 00:26:44,170 --> 00:26:46,005 and he told us about the Bluntman & Chronic movie... 507 00:26:46,172 --> 00:26:48,300 so we went to see Holden McNeil and he showed us the internet... 508 00:26:48,509 --> 00:26:50,676 and that's where we found all those little fucking jerk-offs... 509 00:26:50,885 --> 00:26:51,719 talking shit about us. 510 00:26:51,886 --> 00:26:52,970 So we decided to go to Hollywood... 511 00:26:53,137 --> 00:26:54,764 and stop the movie from getting made. 512 00:26:54,931 --> 00:26:56,432 And now we're here. 513 00:26:56,557 --> 00:26:58,226 I have no idea what you just said. 514 00:26:58,309 --> 00:26:59,936 I get that a lot. 515 00:27:00,103 --> 00:27:01,478 So, you like animals, huh? 516 00:27:01,686 --> 00:27:02,730 Sure. 517 00:27:02,855 --> 00:27:04,356 That's cool. Even snakes? 518 00:27:04,523 --> 00:27:07,067 You can't exclude an animal just because they're not cuddly. 519 00:27:07,233 --> 00:27:08,609 Of course I like snakes. 520 00:27:08,776 --> 00:27:10,737 How about trouser snakes? 521 00:27:11,154 --> 00:27:12,781 What's a trouser snake? 522 00:27:17,536 --> 00:27:19,411 What the fuck are you waiting for. 523 00:27:19,578 --> 00:27:21,497 She went for the set-up... 524 00:27:21,539 --> 00:27:23,333 reach in your pants and pull your cock out, bitch. 525 00:27:23,584 --> 00:27:25,794 Girls like that kind of shit. 526 00:27:28,380 --> 00:27:30,465 Right here is where the angel is supposed to show up... 527 00:27:30,632 --> 00:27:31,967 and tell you not to pull your dick out, 528 00:27:32,092 --> 00:27:34,803 but we bitch-slapped that mother fucker and sent him packing... 529 00:27:35,011 --> 00:27:36,720 so it's smooth sailing. 530 00:27:36,887 --> 00:27:38,723 Let him rip, boy. 531 00:27:43,893 --> 00:27:48,189 "Jesus loves the little children". 532 00:27:48,356 --> 00:27:49,691 Sorry I'm late. 533 00:27:49,816 --> 00:27:52,027 What's the deal? 534 00:27:52,820 --> 00:27:55,155 Oh, shit-don't tell me you're thinking of whipping your dick out... 535 00:27:55,363 --> 00:27:57,782 at this fine piece of woman, are you? 536 00:27:58,741 --> 00:28:02,620 Look over at Silent Bob and see if he thinks it's a good idea... 537 00:28:02,787 --> 00:28:04,873 to whip your dick out. 538 00:28:06,792 --> 00:28:09,712 That's it. Put the dick down. 539 00:28:09,879 --> 00:28:11,130 You got to go from heart. 540 00:28:11,296 --> 00:28:15,259 No little perv bullshit is gonna work for this one. 541 00:28:15,426 --> 00:28:18,594 Be smooth. Be Don Juan De La Nooch. 542 00:28:19,219 --> 00:28:22,183 I gotta go beat the shit out of two sucker punching little bitches. 543 00:28:22,349 --> 00:28:25,518 Remember- don't pull your dick out until she asks. 544 00:28:26,060 --> 00:28:28,105 Or until she's sleeping. 545 00:28:33,359 --> 00:28:34,277 Don't ask. 546 00:28:34,486 --> 00:28:35,904 So what can a smooth pimp-daddy like me... 547 00:28:35,987 --> 00:28:37,405 do to help the animals? 548 00:28:37,614 --> 00:28:41,366 You really don't want to help us. 549 00:28:41,533 --> 00:28:42,285 What are you talking about? 550 00:28:42,452 --> 00:28:45,746 Sure I do. I'd do anything for you. 551 00:28:46,704 --> 00:28:49,124 I mean youse guys- I 'd do anything for youse guys. 552 00:28:49,291 --> 00:28:50,834 Because of the lift and shit. 553 00:28:51,043 --> 00:28:55,754 Okay. Let me talk to the other girls and get back to you. 554 00:28:55,922 --> 00:28:57,131 You do that. 555 00:28:57,340 --> 00:28:58,882 I'll be right here waiting. 556 00:29:14,732 --> 00:29:16,775 Fuck you, fatty. 557 00:29:36,962 --> 00:29:38,506 You guys want anything from inside? 558 00:29:38,672 --> 00:29:39,756 No, we're cool. 559 00:30:05,865 --> 00:30:07,492 It just isn't the same, is it? 560 00:30:08,367 --> 00:30:11,328 This place licks balls compared to the Quick-Stop. 561 00:30:11,495 --> 00:30:14,039 Speaking of licking balls- how about that Justice chick? 562 00:30:14,206 --> 00:30:15,583 She is too fine. 563 00:30:15,708 --> 00:30:18,128 And she smells so fucking pretty. 564 00:30:18,795 --> 00:30:21,922 She has a nice voice, too. And that body! 565 00:30:22,047 --> 00:30:23,549 Fucking smoking. 566 00:30:23,716 --> 00:30:26,551 She didn't tell me to fuck off once when I was talking to her... 567 00:30:26,718 --> 00:30:28,637 or pull out the pepper spray. 568 00:30:28,804 --> 00:30:32,640 You know, lunch box-she could be the one. 569 00:30:34,392 --> 00:30:35,728 - Smooth move, Justice. 570 00:30:35,895 --> 00:30:37,395 - Nice going, four eyes. 571 00:30:38,313 --> 00:30:40,732 Why did you let that stoner throw Brent out of the van? 572 00:30:40,940 --> 00:30:43,192 If I had to listen to one more of those stupid songs... 573 00:30:43,400 --> 00:30:45,027 I was gonna throw him out myself. 574 00:30:45,110 --> 00:30:46,695 We needed Brent. 575 00:30:46,904 --> 00:30:48,280 He was our patsy, remember? 576 00:30:48,488 --> 00:30:49,823 We'll just find someone else. 577 00:30:50,032 --> 00:30:52,201 Besides, I didn't see you try to stop Jay from throwing him out. 578 00:30:52,367 --> 00:30:54,243 I didn't want to blow our cover. 579 00:30:54,285 --> 00:30:56,079 Cover? You all hated his songs, too. 580 00:30:56,287 --> 00:30:57,372 Not as much as I hate you. 581 00:30:57,539 --> 00:30:59,458 We have a very simple gang. 582 00:30:59,583 --> 00:31:01,710 I'm the brains, Chrissy's the brawn and Missy's the tech girl. 583 00:31:01,877 --> 00:31:04,839 But lately I'm can't figure out what you're doing here. 584 00:31:05,006 --> 00:31:06,757 Your name doesn't even fit the rhyme scheme. 585 00:31:06,882 --> 00:31:08,092 Since you let our patsy slip away... 586 00:31:08,258 --> 00:31:10,887 you have to convince the little kid and the fat guy to take his place. 587 00:31:11,054 --> 00:31:13,013 They've gotta break into Provasik now. 588 00:31:15,058 --> 00:31:16,893 You'll do it or you're out of the gang. 589 00:31:17,102 --> 00:31:19,103 Just use the little one's crush on you to convince him... 590 00:31:19,269 --> 00:31:21,730 since he's so fucking in love with you. 591 00:31:21,897 --> 00:31:23,439 Jay? No, he's not. 592 00:31:23,606 --> 00:31:24,649 Am I blind? 593 00:31:24,816 --> 00:31:26,276 He wasn't kissing your hand in the van... 594 00:31:26,485 --> 00:31:28,320 like he was Lord Byron? 595 00:31:28,529 --> 00:31:30,822 Maybe he has manners? 596 00:31:32,533 --> 00:31:35,701 You ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat? 597 00:31:38,538 --> 00:31:40,040 We've got about two hours before we get to Boulder. 598 00:31:40,165 --> 00:31:41,916 That'll give you plenty of time to work on him. 599 00:31:41,958 --> 00:31:43,626 - I'm not gonna do it. - Why the fuck not? 600 00:31:43,793 --> 00:31:45,795 Because he's just so innocent. 601 00:31:45,962 --> 00:31:46,921 Look at him. 602 00:31:49,632 --> 00:31:49,966 Who's it gonna be? 603 00:31:50,174 --> 00:31:51,592 Him or us? 604 00:31:54,803 --> 00:31:57,472 Steal a monkey? No problem. 605 00:31:57,681 --> 00:31:59,515 It's not stealing a monkey. 606 00:31:59,682 --> 00:32:02,102 It's liberating it. It's- 607 00:32:02,269 --> 00:32:03,603 Wait a second. 608 00:32:03,770 --> 00:32:05,062 Did you say "no problem"? 609 00:32:05,187 --> 00:32:07,231 Yeah, we steal monkeys all the time. 610 00:32:07,398 --> 00:32:09,359 Right, lunch-box? 611 00:32:10,651 --> 00:32:12,528 It's not like it's a bad thing. 612 00:32:12,695 --> 00:32:14,741 It's for a good cause. 613 00:32:14,907 --> 00:32:17,117 It's for the best cause, mon cheri. 614 00:32:17,200 --> 00:32:19,369 The cause of love. 615 00:32:20,537 --> 00:32:21,955 Snoogens. 616 00:32:22,164 --> 00:32:23,373 What the heck is that? 617 00:32:23,582 --> 00:32:26,209 - What? - Snoogens, I believe. 618 00:32:26,376 --> 00:32:27,710 What the fuck do you think it means? 619 00:32:27,918 --> 00:32:29,838 It means I'm kidding. 620 00:32:30,046 --> 00:32:32,214 That's too bad. 621 00:32:39,262 --> 00:32:44,018 I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy for stealing a monkey. 622 00:32:46,936 --> 00:32:48,146 If I'd known that earlier... 623 00:32:48,313 --> 00:32:51,191 I'd have been stealing monkeys since I was seven. 624 00:32:51,232 --> 00:32:54,069 Don't, mother fucker- don't you ruin this for me. 625 00:32:54,235 --> 00:32:56,322 Me and Justice are gonna get married some day... 626 00:32:56,363 --> 00:32:58,407 so don't be giving me no look like we ain't gonna steal the monkey. 627 00:32:58,616 --> 00:33:00,284 I'm Morris Day, you're Jerome, bitch! 628 00:33:00,326 --> 00:33:01,869 Don't forget that. 629 00:33:02,036 --> 00:33:05,247 That girl- that girl is in love with me 630 00:33:05,456 --> 00:33:06,999 They're gonna do it. 631 00:33:07,166 --> 00:33:08,207 Good. 632 00:33:08,373 --> 00:33:10,375 They do their part and we'll do ours. 633 00:33:26,643 --> 00:33:28,937 Remember- we meet back here when you're done. 634 00:33:29,521 --> 00:33:30,480 Are you sure you're okay with this? 635 00:33:30,647 --> 00:33:33,441 Sure as I am that you're the hottest bitch I've ever seen. 636 00:33:33,650 --> 00:33:34,942 Easy... 637 00:33:35,109 --> 00:33:36,860 What's twisting this bitch's tit? 638 00:33:36,985 --> 00:33:40,322 Maybe it's because women don't like to be called bitches, Jay. 639 00:33:40,489 --> 00:33:42,282 They don't? 640 00:33:42,449 --> 00:33:44,074 How about "fine piece of ass"? 641 00:33:44,199 --> 00:33:45,367 How about not. 642 00:33:45,534 --> 00:33:46,994 What the fuck am I supposed to call you? 643 00:33:47,203 --> 00:33:48,954 Something sweet, you big goof. 644 00:33:49,121 --> 00:33:51,832 Something nice. 645 00:33:51,998 --> 00:33:54,043 Boo-boo kitty fuck? 646 00:33:54,211 --> 00:33:58,005 Okay, that's a start. 647 00:33:58,172 --> 00:33:59,090 Jay, before you go... 648 00:33:59,298 --> 00:34:01,801 could you say something into the camera about the clitoris? 649 00:34:01,926 --> 00:34:04,262 - You are such a bitch! - Shut up, Justice. 650 00:34:04,470 --> 00:34:07,097 She's a little embarrassed. 651 00:34:07,139 --> 00:34:09,643 We're making a documentary for a human sexuality class... 652 00:34:09,810 --> 00:34:12,728 and we need a male perspective on the clitoris. 653 00:34:12,895 --> 00:34:14,439 The female clitoris? 654 00:34:14,605 --> 00:34:15,858 Yeah. 655 00:34:16,024 --> 00:34:17,443 Jay, you don't have to do this. 656 00:34:17,484 --> 00:34:18,776 It's cool. 657 00:34:19,318 --> 00:34:21,069 There's a few things I could say about the clit... 658 00:34:21,236 --> 00:34:23,740 that I'd like you to hear. 659 00:34:25,073 --> 00:34:27,451 I am the master of the clit. 660 00:34:27,617 --> 00:34:29,494 Remember this fucking face. 661 00:34:29,536 --> 00:34:31,371 Wherever you see clit, you'll see this fucking face. 662 00:34:31,538 --> 00:34:33,081 I make that shit work. 663 00:34:33,248 --> 00:34:34,833 No one rules the clit like me. 664 00:34:35,041 --> 00:34:36,000 Not this little fuck. 665 00:34:36,208 --> 00:34:38,336 None of you little fucks out there. 666 00:34:38,503 --> 00:34:40,714 I am the clit commander. 667 00:34:40,881 --> 00:34:43,048 When it comes down to business this is what I do. 668 00:34:43,215 --> 00:34:46,511 I pinch it like this- Oh, you little fuck. 669 00:34:47,261 --> 00:34:49,722 And then I rub my nose- 670 00:34:49,889 --> 00:34:52,560 Awesome. Knock 'em dead, tiger. 671 00:34:52,727 --> 00:34:53,602 I will. 672 00:34:53,769 --> 00:34:54,728 Girls. 673 00:34:56,854 --> 00:34:59,940 Do you think I could get a little kiss for good luck? 674 00:35:05,154 --> 00:35:08,825 Do you think I could get a little blow job for good luck? 675 00:35:09,618 --> 00:35:11,785 No. Go. 676 00:35:17,290 --> 00:35:19,000 Get off my Kool-Aid, mother fucker. 677 00:35:33,097 --> 00:35:34,848 Jussy, come on. 678 00:36:10,843 --> 00:36:13,178 - Are they in? - You could say that. 679 00:36:14,012 --> 00:36:15,388 Time to shine. Let's go. 680 00:37:12,735 --> 00:37:13,987 You are so gay. 681 00:37:21,244 --> 00:37:23,621 Once we get upstairs I want complete silence. 682 00:37:24,121 --> 00:37:26,039 Missy whipped this up- it counts our decibel level. 683 00:37:26,247 --> 00:37:28,000 If it goes into the red- alarm, we're dead. 684 00:37:28,626 --> 00:37:30,376 So that means not even the slightest noise, you got that? 685 00:37:30,502 --> 00:37:31,669 Got it. 686 00:37:41,680 --> 00:37:42,722 Justice, move your ass. 687 00:38:07,288 --> 00:38:08,706 Check this shit out, lunch-box. 688 00:38:08,915 --> 00:38:09,959 Animal tranquilizers. 689 00:38:10,084 --> 00:38:12,919 This shit fucks you up- like percosets. 690 00:38:16,755 --> 00:38:20,135 Keep this, so later me and Justice can shoot each other with it... 691 00:38:20,343 --> 00:38:22,678 and fuck like stoned test-bunnies. 692 00:38:45,659 --> 00:38:47,160 Suzanne. 693 00:38:48,745 --> 00:38:50,872 Boo-yah. 694 00:40:51,864 --> 00:40:54,408 Holy fuck! The little stoner was right! 695 00:41:06,961 --> 00:41:08,547 Boom-box. 696 00:41:09,381 --> 00:41:10,215 I can't believe it. 697 00:41:10,424 --> 00:41:10,924 Months of planning... 698 00:41:11,091 --> 00:41:12,550 and it's all blown by a fart. 699 00:41:12,717 --> 00:41:13,676 We can't just leave them here. 700 00:41:13,843 --> 00:41:15,596 That alarm will bring the cops any minute. 701 00:41:15,763 --> 00:41:17,346 That's always been the plan. 702 00:41:17,388 --> 00:41:18,931 They take the heat off us long enough 'til we can get out of town. 703 00:41:24,937 --> 00:41:27,732 Ka-boom! You little stoner fucks. 704 00:41:27,857 --> 00:41:29,692 Let's go! 705 00:41:43,663 --> 00:41:44,956 What are you looking at? 706 00:41:44,998 --> 00:41:46,249 There ain't no snacks here. 707 00:41:46,791 --> 00:41:47,458 We got what we came for. 708 00:41:47,666 --> 00:41:49,210 Let's get outta here. 709 00:41:52,963 --> 00:41:53,798 I know it's sad. 710 00:41:53,964 --> 00:41:56,051 But what are we supposed to do about it? 711 00:42:06,770 --> 00:42:08,397 Justice, open the door! 712 00:42:10,564 --> 00:42:11,733 Oh, shit! 713 00:42:20,241 --> 00:42:21,908 Drop the bag-now!!! 714 00:42:53,690 --> 00:42:55,776 Justice! 715 00:43:23,927 --> 00:43:25,845 You mind if I lean that there? 716 00:43:29,432 --> 00:43:30,809 My, oh my, oh my. 717 00:43:32,643 --> 00:43:34,854 Who let the cats out? 718 00:43:34,937 --> 00:43:37,106 Wait-is that-?? 719 00:43:37,315 --> 00:43:39,067 Excuse me, who the hell are you? 720 00:43:39,942 --> 00:43:41,110 Federal Wildlife Marshall. 721 00:43:41,277 --> 00:43:43,403 This investigation is now under my jurisdiction. 722 00:43:43,613 --> 00:43:44,280 Really? Why is that? 723 00:43:44,447 --> 00:43:47,325 Because someone let a whole mess of animals out of their cages, sir. 724 00:43:47,492 --> 00:43:49,159 We believe that was just a diversionary tactic used... 725 00:43:49,326 --> 00:43:52,206 to call attention away from the real heist at the Diamond Exchange. 726 00:43:52,331 --> 00:43:54,749 Yeah, right. That's a believable scenario. 727 00:43:54,791 --> 00:43:57,210 Sounds more like something out of a bad movie. 728 00:44:00,296 --> 00:44:03,632 The Provasik people say they've rounded up all their animals... 729 00:44:03,799 --> 00:44:06,802 except for one-an orangutan. 730 00:44:07,719 --> 00:44:09,805 The most dangerous animal known to man. 731 00:44:10,847 --> 00:44:12,391 Sir, this was just delivered to the station. 732 00:44:12,474 --> 00:44:13,975 What is it? 733 00:44:14,851 --> 00:44:17,062 It's a tape from the terrorists who claim responsibility for the break-in. 734 00:44:17,187 --> 00:44:19,106 Do you have a VCR? 735 00:44:19,147 --> 00:44:20,899 I am the clit commander. 736 00:44:21,108 --> 00:44:22,567 Oh, my God! 737 00:44:24,235 --> 00:44:25,736 Blafsky, it's Willenholly. 738 00:44:25,903 --> 00:44:28,825 I need you to get me on the national news, pronto. 739 00:44:28,991 --> 00:44:30,700 Why? 740 00:44:30,867 --> 00:44:32,577 Because we may be dealing with... 741 00:44:32,744 --> 00:44:34,872 the two most dangerous men on the planet. 742 00:44:43,587 --> 00:44:45,131 This is Jussy's monkey. 743 00:44:48,550 --> 00:44:50,678 Justice died for you, you little monkey fuck! 744 00:44:53,555 --> 00:44:54,890 Do something, tons of fun. 745 00:44:58,643 --> 00:45:00,937 Is that thing waving at us? 746 00:45:03,733 --> 00:45:05,233 It understood us. 747 00:45:06,109 --> 00:45:07,277 Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey? 748 00:45:14,075 --> 00:45:15,492 You're my bitch! 749 00:45:15,617 --> 00:45:16,618 You get my back. 750 00:45:16,785 --> 00:45:19,079 Don't go taking this fucking chimp's side. 751 00:45:33,635 --> 00:45:36,055 What if there are more super monkeys up at that lab? 752 00:45:36,263 --> 00:45:38,475 Maybe they're making an army of them up there? 753 00:45:38,892 --> 00:45:40,434 Holy shit! 754 00:45:40,601 --> 00:45:42,895 Maybe it's a conspiracy, like in the "X-Files"... 755 00:45:43,562 --> 00:45:44,856 Roswell style? 756 00:45:47,816 --> 00:45:50,570 This little monkey can be the fucking damn dirty apes 757 00:45:50,779 --> 00:45:53,989 responsible for fall of the human race 758 00:45:55,365 --> 00:45:58,410 and this world got mad we won't spank the monkey 759 00:45:58,577 --> 00:46:00,871 The monkey will spank us. 760 00:46:01,830 --> 00:46:05,709 I'm not even supposed to be here today. 761 00:46:05,876 --> 00:46:08,212 Eaten alive. 762 00:46:08,294 --> 00:46:10,630 Then these monkey fucks will start wearing our clothes... 763 00:46:10,755 --> 00:46:13,509 and rebuilding the world in their image 764 00:46:14,967 --> 00:46:16,260 And only those... 765 00:46:16,469 --> 00:46:21,808 as super smart will be left a live... 766 00:46:22,141 --> 00:46:23,267 You maniacs! 767 00:46:23,434 --> 00:46:24,769 Damn youse! 768 00:46:24,936 --> 00:46:29,356 God damn youse all to hell! 769 00:46:31,233 --> 00:46:33,317 Not on my watch, mother fucker. 770 00:46:33,526 --> 00:46:35,821 Die, you super-monkey fuck! 771 00:46:44,704 --> 00:46:47,332 Alright, you can live. For now. 772 00:46:49,793 --> 00:46:51,920 You see that shit. Bitches love me. 773 00:46:52,629 --> 00:46:53,505 Let's get something to eat. 774 00:46:56,299 --> 00:46:57,718 We ain't hiding in the woods no more. 775 00:46:57,759 --> 00:46:59,136 We gotta get to Hollywood. 776 00:46:59,761 --> 00:47:01,554 Besides, we're in the clear. 777 00:47:01,595 --> 00:47:03,348 It's not like anyone knows we stole the monkey. 778 00:47:06,641 --> 00:47:09,144 I'm Reg Hartner with an exclusive News Now bulletin. 779 00:47:09,310 --> 00:47:13,690 A Provasik animal testing facility in Boulder was the focus of an attack 780 00:47:13,857 --> 00:47:16,610 by a terroristic primate rescue syndicate calling themselves... 781 00:47:16,777 --> 00:47:20,530 The Coalition for Liberation of Itinerant Tree Dwellers... 782 00:47:20,739 --> 00:47:23,034 or simply C.L.I.T. 783 00:47:23,242 --> 00:47:25,411 In a videotape sent to authorities this morning... 784 00:47:25,661 --> 00:47:27,830 credit for the liberation of an orangutan from the lab last night... 785 00:47:27,955 --> 00:47:32,084 is taken by these men, identified in literature that accompanied the tape 786 00:47:32,251 --> 00:47:35,504 as Jay and Silent Bob. 787 00:47:35,670 --> 00:47:37,714 In this chilling clip, they make it very clear that they... 788 00:47:37,882 --> 00:47:40,884 are in control... of the C.L.I.T. 789 00:47:41,467 --> 00:47:42,926 We are the C.L.I.T. None of you are safe. 790 00:47:43,093 --> 00:47:45,389 Now tremble before my remorseless leader. 791 00:47:45,598 --> 00:47:47,932 I am the clit commander. 792 00:47:48,099 --> 00:47:49,100 Terrifying. 793 00:47:49,893 --> 00:47:50,769 Here to help us explain this footage... 794 00:47:50,894 --> 00:47:53,354 is Federal Wildlife Marshall Willenholly. 795 00:47:53,563 --> 00:47:55,023 Marshall, thanks for joining us. 796 00:47:55,190 --> 00:47:58,151 At this point, what can you tell us about the C.L.I.T? 797 00:47:58,193 --> 00:48:01,153 From the intelligence we've been gathering, we've discovered... 798 00:48:01,278 --> 00:48:05,073 that the C.L.I.T. Is actually a tiny offshoot of the L.A.B.I.A. 799 00:48:05,281 --> 00:48:06,909 The Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning Apes movement. 800 00:48:06,950 --> 00:48:08,577 Exactly. 801 00:48:08,702 --> 00:48:10,329 The two men that you saw in the video 802 00:48:10,536 --> 00:48:14,375 go by the obvious code names of Jay and Silent Bob. 803 00:48:14,416 --> 00:48:18,210 If anyone out there should come across them or any other Clitties... 804 00:48:18,377 --> 00:48:20,756 please exercise extreme caution. 805 00:48:20,964 --> 00:48:23,174 I told you that restraining order was a good idea. 806 00:48:23,216 --> 00:48:25,385 What response do you hope to elicit... 807 00:48:25,551 --> 00:48:28,012 by putting this kind of pressure on the C.L.I. T? 808 00:48:28,262 --> 00:48:29,430 It's a difficult situation. 809 00:48:29,639 --> 00:48:30,890 You don't want to rub the C.L.I.T. The wrong way. 810 00:48:31,057 --> 00:48:34,811 Nights like this, I miss dating a lesbian. 811 00:48:35,728 --> 00:48:36,896 Is that your cell phone, sir? 812 00:48:37,063 --> 00:48:40,732 Blavsky, give me a frigging break. 813 00:48:40,899 --> 00:48:41,650 I'm on my way. 814 00:48:41,859 --> 00:48:43,070 We've got them. They're in Utah. 815 00:48:43,237 --> 00:48:47,865 Citizens of Utah, stimulation of the C.L.I.T. Is not recommended. 816 00:48:48,616 --> 00:48:49,702 Your plan worked. 817 00:48:49,868 --> 00:48:53,079 The news is all about Jay and Bob's Provasik break-in. 818 00:48:53,287 --> 00:48:54,871 With almost no mention of the diamond heist. 819 00:48:54,913 --> 00:48:56,499 I told you those two were the perfect patsies. 820 00:48:56,624 --> 00:48:57,708 Don't you have any regret? 821 00:48:57,916 --> 00:48:59,418 Jay and Bob don't deserve this. 822 00:48:59,626 --> 00:49:01,670 They were really sweet. 823 00:49:01,712 --> 00:49:03,672 The only thing I regret is not gutting that trout-mouthed prick... 824 00:49:03,839 --> 00:49:06,591 like a fish and playing twister with his vitals. 825 00:49:07,718 --> 00:49:08,719 I don't get you, Justice. 826 00:49:08,968 --> 00:49:11,138 You used to be all about this girl stuff. 827 00:49:11,179 --> 00:49:13,223 Stealing, boning, blowing shit up. 828 00:49:13,390 --> 00:49:15,266 Now you're this little priss with a conscience. 829 00:49:15,391 --> 00:49:16,809 It's really a drag. 830 00:49:16,851 --> 00:49:18,271 We all have to grow up sometime. 831 00:49:18,438 --> 00:49:21,148 If moping around over some boy you've got a crush on is growing up... 832 00:49:21,314 --> 00:49:23,984 then pass me my Wonder-Woman Underoos. 833 00:49:24,736 --> 00:49:26,236 Marvelous Pizza coming through. 834 00:49:26,403 --> 00:49:28,363 You the guys who ordered the pizza? 835 00:49:28,530 --> 00:49:30,031 This dopey bitch ordered a large plain, 836 00:49:30,197 --> 00:49:33,951 but I could go for some ht, thick Sicilian. 837 00:49:35,119 --> 00:49:36,495 No charge, lady. 838 00:49:36,661 --> 00:49:37,704 Hurry. 839 00:49:44,461 --> 00:49:45,755 I'm sorry, Jay. 840 00:49:49,716 --> 00:49:51,801 Justice died trying to save this monkey 841 00:49:51,968 --> 00:49:53,429 so maybe we should keep it around. 842 00:49:53,596 --> 00:49:54,555 They way... 843 00:49:54,764 --> 00:49:56,890 we could honor her memory. 844 00:49:59,559 --> 00:50:01,603 Now ain't you glad we came here to eat? 845 00:50:01,770 --> 00:50:04,814 And you were all scared we'd get busted by the cops or something. 846 00:50:05,356 --> 00:50:06,565 You know what I say? 847 00:50:06,774 --> 00:50:07,733 Fuck the Police. 848 00:50:07,941 --> 00:50:10,569 Fuck-Fuck-Fuck the Police! 849 00:50:10,778 --> 00:50:12,820 Yo, fuck-fuck the Police! 850 00:50:12,862 --> 00:50:14,365 Yo, fuck-fuck the Police! 851 00:50:14,448 --> 00:50:15,909 Yo, fuck me! 852 00:50:16,076 --> 00:50:18,453 This is the Utah State Police. 853 00:50:19,119 --> 00:50:21,247 Boys, we know you're in there. 854 00:50:21,414 --> 00:50:23,792 Come on out with your hands in the air 855 00:50:24,000 --> 00:50:26,877 and surrender the orangutan. 856 00:50:27,086 --> 00:50:29,047 Think they're talking about us? 857 00:50:35,512 --> 00:50:37,679 Sorry. Don't shoot. Hold your fire. 858 00:50:38,389 --> 00:50:39,432 Who the hell are you? 859 00:50:39,682 --> 00:50:41,267 Federal Wildlife Marshall. 860 00:50:41,476 --> 00:50:42,519 Is the monkey in there? 861 00:50:42,768 --> 00:50:43,227 The ape. 862 00:50:43,435 --> 00:50:43,936 What? 863 00:50:44,103 --> 00:50:45,687 Orangutan is a member of the great ape family. 864 00:50:45,896 --> 00:50:46,605 It's not a monkey. 865 00:50:46,772 --> 00:50:48,690 Who's the Federal Wildlife Marshall here? 866 00:50:48,856 --> 00:50:50,025 Me or you? 867 00:50:50,192 --> 00:50:51,235 That's what thought. 868 00:50:51,276 --> 00:50:52,277 Can I use your- 869 00:50:55,405 --> 00:50:59,492 Jay and Silent Bob- Your C.L.I.T. Doesn't stand a chance. 870 00:50:59,534 --> 00:51:03,579 Anyone not harboring a fugitive monkey in there should hit the deck. 871 00:51:03,747 --> 00:51:04,915 We are going to open fire. 872 00:51:07,500 --> 00:51:08,543 What are you waiting for? 873 00:51:08,710 --> 00:51:10,294 Get out there and give them the monkey. 874 00:51:12,755 --> 00:51:14,507 Maybe it ain't so bad at that lab? 875 00:51:14,549 --> 00:51:16,259 Maybe they experiment on them... 876 00:51:16,426 --> 00:51:18,386 by making them fuck a bunch of different good-looking monkeys? 877 00:51:18,594 --> 00:51:19,761 We don't know. 878 00:51:20,512 --> 00:51:21,722 You stay out of this, you weepy little chimp. 879 00:51:21,888 --> 00:51:25,350 Fuck, you're the guy who makes the blueprints. 880 00:51:25,559 --> 00:51:27,936 I don't have the fucking smarts of a little... 881 00:51:31,731 --> 00:51:33,316 kid. 882 00:51:33,483 --> 00:51:34,734 Do not shoot! 883 00:51:37,863 --> 00:51:41,158 We're just trying to take our son out of this hostile environment. 884 00:51:41,283 --> 00:51:42,659 Their son? 885 00:51:42,826 --> 00:51:44,327 Maybe they're one of those gay couples? 886 00:51:44,453 --> 00:51:46,371 Yeah, we're gay. 887 00:51:46,538 --> 00:51:48,206 And this is our adopted love child. 888 00:51:48,457 --> 00:51:49,833 We're not from around here. 889 00:51:50,417 --> 00:51:52,418 Don't makes us go back to our liberal city home... 890 00:51:52,668 --> 00:51:56,172 with tales of prejudice and bigotry from the heart of Utah. 891 00:51:56,338 --> 00:51:58,882 This is the last thing I need. 892 00:51:58,923 --> 00:52:01,343 Uppity homosexuals shooting their mouths off to the... 893 00:52:01,510 --> 00:52:05,346 liberal media that the Federal Wildlife Office persecutes gays. 894 00:52:05,513 --> 00:52:07,599 Are you fucking crazy? They may be gay... 895 00:52:07,683 --> 00:52:09,726 but that's not their son- that's the ape! 896 00:52:09,893 --> 00:52:12,313 I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one. 897 00:52:12,521 --> 00:52:14,648 And the only thing I do recognize right now... 898 00:52:14,816 --> 00:52:18,069 is a political fiasco that I'm about to avoid... 899 00:52:18,235 --> 00:52:20,654 by letting this butt-fucking Brady bunch go. 900 00:52:25,618 --> 00:52:27,786 You are free to leave, sirs. 901 00:52:29,246 --> 00:52:30,664 Yes, you, sirs. 902 00:52:30,706 --> 00:52:32,082 So we can just go? 903 00:52:32,290 --> 00:52:32,915 Yes, sir. 904 00:52:33,082 --> 00:52:35,627 Please accept my apology for detaining you and your... 905 00:52:35,794 --> 00:52:39,339 unorthodox but constitutionally protected family unit. 906 00:52:40,131 --> 00:52:41,841 Un-fucking-believable. 907 00:52:42,008 --> 00:52:45,887 I might add, that is one fine looking young boy you're raising. 908 00:52:46,012 --> 00:52:47,680 That's because he's from my sperm. 909 00:52:48,390 --> 00:52:50,223 K knocked up this hot, woman friend of ours... 910 00:52:50,391 --> 00:52:52,851 who fuck on the side so as not to be all-the-way gay. 911 00:52:53,102 --> 00:52:56,229 But my tubby husband- He's one hundred percent queer. 912 00:52:56,396 --> 00:52:57,773 He loves the cock. 913 00:52:58,774 --> 00:53:00,734 He certainly looks insatiable. 914 00:53:01,693 --> 00:53:03,027 Bye-bye. 915 00:53:09,534 --> 00:53:11,995 It's not my way, but I'll be damned if that isn't one happy family. 916 00:53:14,414 --> 00:53:16,874 Alright, gang-let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner... 917 00:53:17,083 --> 00:53:19,585 and when the guys come out with the monkey- 918 00:53:19,752 --> 00:53:21,129 Fuck beans! 919 00:53:21,212 --> 00:53:22,505 That was them, wasn't it? 920 00:53:22,672 --> 00:53:24,632 I said you love the cock. 921 00:53:25,215 --> 00:53:27,844 I have to be the craftiest mother fucker alive. 922 00:53:31,304 --> 00:53:32,556 Flee, fat-ass, flee! 923 00:53:41,692 --> 00:53:43,526 Head for the sewer! 924 00:53:59,041 --> 00:54:00,166 You fat fuck! 925 00:54:01,083 --> 00:54:03,420 Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass. 926 00:54:05,172 --> 00:54:07,507 Suck it in. Think thin! 927 00:54:08,384 --> 00:54:09,761 One rectal breach coming up. 928 00:54:10,428 --> 00:54:12,095 Suck it in! 929 00:54:12,137 --> 00:54:13,764 Incoming! 930 00:54:23,397 --> 00:54:24,690 Just like Winnie the Pooh. 931 00:54:29,151 --> 00:54:32,907 That was an incredibly daring escape. 932 00:54:33,866 --> 00:54:35,241 Here's the deal. 933 00:54:35,408 --> 00:54:36,743 You and your men stay up here. 934 00:54:36,952 --> 00:54:39,622 When I corner him, I'll call for backup. 935 00:54:40,830 --> 00:54:42,874 I'm counting on you, Sheriff. 936 00:54:44,627 --> 00:54:45,795 You've taught me so much. 937 00:54:57,513 --> 00:54:59,640 Fuck this asshole. 938 00:54:59,807 --> 00:55:02,518 Let's go back to the station and cornhole us a drunk. 939 00:55:08,108 --> 00:55:10,943 Don't fuck your word... I swear to God. 940 00:55:12,904 --> 00:55:15,031 Put the monkey down and your hands up! 941 00:55:17,783 --> 00:55:19,411 Let's go, misters. 942 00:55:19,452 --> 00:55:21,037 You want to get shot? 943 00:55:21,246 --> 00:55:22,913 I didn't think so. 944 00:55:23,080 --> 00:55:25,916 She doesn't want to go back to the lab. 945 00:55:26,083 --> 00:55:28,627 And for the record... I ain't gay. 946 00:55:28,794 --> 00:55:31,131 And for the record, while we're on the subject... 947 00:55:31,297 --> 00:55:33,799 I knew that wasn't a real little boy. 948 00:55:34,591 --> 00:55:37,386 For one more record- he loves the cock. 949 00:55:38,220 --> 00:55:40,179 On your knees, Texas Pete. 950 00:55:40,388 --> 00:55:41,140 Let's go. 951 00:55:41,640 --> 00:55:43,892 You see- he's lining us up like fucking circus seals. 952 00:55:44,809 --> 00:55:45,643 I'm going first. 953 00:55:45,810 --> 00:55:47,938 I don't want a mouth full of monkey spit... 954 00:55:48,105 --> 00:55:49,440 if I gotta blow this G-man. 955 00:55:49,565 --> 00:55:50,690 What are you talking about? 956 00:55:50,857 --> 00:55:53,067 No one's gonna get blown here- 957 00:55:55,362 --> 00:55:57,905 Shit! 958 00:55:59,741 --> 00:56:02,577 These guys are good. Very good. 959 00:56:10,043 --> 00:56:11,877 Hey, law-dog. 960 00:56:14,503 --> 00:56:16,757 See you in Hell, cock-smoker. 961 00:56:17,841 --> 00:56:20,634 Oh, Fuck me. 962 00:56:45,327 --> 00:56:47,870 Get the fuck off her- that's my ex-girlfriend's monkey. 963 00:56:51,081 --> 00:56:54,085 Hey, that monkey don't belong to you. 964 00:57:01,634 --> 00:57:03,427 Who the fuck just steals a monkey? 965 00:57:06,098 --> 00:57:07,139 Oh, yeah. 966 00:57:07,306 --> 00:57:08,265 This blows. 967 00:57:08,432 --> 00:57:11,227 We have one more day to stop these fucks from shooting this movie. 968 00:57:11,394 --> 00:57:14,855 They took the one thing I had left from the one woman I loved enough... 969 00:57:14,980 --> 00:57:17,233 not to stick my hand down her pants. 970 00:57:19,609 --> 00:57:20,611 Go after the monkey? 971 00:57:20,778 --> 00:57:22,279 How do we know where that car is going? 972 00:57:25,698 --> 00:57:27,868 Don't just point. 973 00:57:30,245 --> 00:57:31,162 What, you gotta take a shit? 974 00:57:32,747 --> 00:57:33,873 No, you gotta take a salad. 975 00:57:35,458 --> 00:57:36,793 What the fuck are you trying to say? 976 00:57:37,168 --> 00:57:38,085 Say it! 977 00:57:38,127 --> 00:57:39,002 Don't make me ask twenty questions. 978 00:57:39,169 --> 00:57:42,172 You could always tell that stupid Amy story all the time... 979 00:57:42,214 --> 00:57:45,175 but you can't spit out "Jay, I disagree," or... 980 00:57:45,300 --> 00:57:47,427 "those are some good cheese fries". 981 00:57:49,555 --> 00:57:51,265 Just fucking say it! 982 00:57:52,974 --> 00:57:55,644 The sign on the back of the car... 983 00:57:55,853 --> 00:57:58,481 said "Critters of Hollywood"... 984 00:57:58,981 --> 00:58:00,565 you dumb fuck! 985 00:58:06,320 --> 00:58:07,613 Say it, don't spray it. 986 00:58:10,491 --> 00:58:14,245 And might I add, that is one fine-looking boy you are raising. 987 00:58:21,085 --> 00:58:23,628 If it isn't the wildlife expert. 988 00:58:24,297 --> 00:58:26,091 Your office faxed this over. 989 00:58:26,759 --> 00:58:29,052 The guy said it was a post from an internet chat board... 990 00:58:29,093 --> 00:58:31,388 signed by a Jay & Silent Bob. 991 00:58:34,390 --> 00:58:36,767 "All you mother fuckers are gonna pay." 992 00:58:36,975 --> 00:58:39,603 "You are the ones who are ball lickers" 993 00:58:39,770 --> 00:58:41,521 "We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry..." 994 00:58:41,688 --> 00:58:46,109 "like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood, we're-" 995 00:58:46,735 --> 00:58:48,111 They're going to Hollywood. 996 00:59:12,176 --> 00:59:13,094 It's not like cheating. 997 00:59:13,260 --> 00:59:14,803 Justice blew up. 998 00:59:15,804 --> 00:59:16,888 Here's the plan. 999 00:59:17,013 --> 00:59:19,224 First we find out where they're shooting this movie. 1000 00:59:19,391 --> 00:59:22,894 And after we bust that shit up, we can start looking for the monkey. 1001 00:59:23,104 --> 00:59:24,271 But before we do any of that, 1002 00:59:24,438 --> 00:59:26,356 we gotta find a mother fucker in the know. 1003 00:59:26,523 --> 00:59:27,816 Someone like the Mayor of Hollywood. 1004 00:59:27,983 --> 00:59:29,360 Crack. Want some crack. 1005 00:59:30,486 --> 00:59:31,570 Get you high. 1006 00:59:31,736 --> 00:59:33,488 No, but do you want some weed? 1007 00:59:34,406 --> 00:59:35,908 Are you on the job? 1008 00:59:36,075 --> 00:59:38,785 Yeah. Jersey local 404. 1009 00:59:40,578 --> 00:59:43,165 Pumpkin Escobar, Los Angeles local 305. 1010 00:59:43,207 --> 00:59:45,750 - What up? 1011 00:59:46,793 --> 00:59:48,336 - Man, it's a small world. 1012 00:59:48,502 --> 00:59:49,670 Let me ask you a question. 1013 00:59:49,837 --> 00:59:52,006 You dudes getting medical out there in Jersey? 1014 00:59:52,214 --> 00:59:54,759 No. We might have to strike in September. 1015 00:59:54,926 --> 00:59:57,846 Norma Rae like a mother fucker. 1016 00:59:58,013 --> 00:59:58,888 Maybe you can help us out? 1017 00:59:59,055 --> 01:00:00,889 You know where they're shooting a movie around here? 1018 01:00:01,056 --> 01:00:02,933 You ask me a question like that in Holly-weird? 1019 01:00:03,100 --> 01:00:05,937 You got to come a little more specific than that. 1020 01:00:06,104 --> 01:00:06,979 It's a Miramax flick. 1021 01:00:07,146 --> 01:00:08,147 We gotta bust it up... 1022 01:00:08,355 --> 01:00:10,107 so people stop calling us names on the internet... 1023 01:00:10,315 --> 01:00:11,693 even though they're not really talking about us... 1024 01:00:11,901 --> 01:00:14,653 but characters based on us, and at the same time... 1025 01:00:14,820 --> 01:00:18,074 find my ex-girlfriend's, who was killed in a car explosion, monkey. 1026 01:00:19,158 --> 01:00:22,620 Man, I don't know what the fuck you just said, little kid... 1027 01:00:22,787 --> 01:00:24,872 but you're special. 1028 01:00:25,039 --> 01:00:26,248 You reached out... 1029 01:00:26,415 --> 01:00:28,876 and you touched a brother's gear. 1030 01:00:29,585 --> 01:00:30,793 I'm gonna give you some directions. 1031 01:00:30,960 --> 01:00:31,879 Give me the map, Scott. 1032 01:00:32,504 --> 01:00:33,630 Give me the map, Scott! 1033 01:00:34,214 --> 01:00:35,341 You know where Miramax is? 1034 01:00:36,049 --> 01:00:40,179 Miramax accounts for 78% of my business out here. 1035 01:00:43,598 --> 01:00:45,725 Is Hollywood ready for Jay and Silent Bob? 1036 01:00:45,850 --> 01:00:48,644 A source at a Federal Wildlife Marshall's office tells us... 1037 01:00:48,770 --> 01:00:51,773 that a posting was pulled off an internet movie chat board... 1038 01:00:51,898 --> 01:00:55,443 allegedly written by the two domestic terrorists themselves. 1039 01:00:55,610 --> 01:00:58,029 It's sending a shock-wave through Hollywood. 1040 01:00:58,071 --> 01:01:00,365 Jules Asner is on the scene at Miramax Studios. Jules- 1041 01:01:00,531 --> 01:01:04,242 Steve, the tenor of Tinsletown is one of terror today... 1042 01:01:04,368 --> 01:01:07,036 after the Federal Wildlife Marshall's Office has learned that... 1043 01:01:07,203 --> 01:01:10,748 hot new terrorists Jay and Silent Bob have targeted Miramax studios... 1044 01:01:10,915 --> 01:01:14,753 for their next campaign of blood, violence and monkey theft. 1045 01:01:14,961 --> 01:01:17,963 In a posting pulled off of Movie Poop-Shoot. Com... 1046 01:01:18,839 --> 01:01:20,676 the gruesome two-some threatened, and I quote... 1047 01:01:20,884 --> 01:01:24,930 "Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax expletive deleted..." 1048 01:01:25,138 --> 01:01:27,140 "who are making the Bluntman & Chronic movie..." 1049 01:01:27,265 --> 01:01:29,893 "we're gonna make them eat our expletive deleted..." 1050 01:01:32,688 --> 01:01:35,774 "then eat their expletive deleted which is made up of..." 1051 01:01:35,941 --> 01:01:39,527 "our expletive deleted that we made them eat." Unquote. 1052 01:01:39,735 --> 01:01:41,736 So far we've been unable to get a statement... 1053 01:01:41,861 --> 01:01:43,406 from anyone here at the Studio. 1054 01:01:43,572 --> 01:01:46,366 But no sign of Jay and Silent Bob? 1055 01:01:46,574 --> 01:01:47,617 None whatsoever. 1056 01:01:47,826 --> 01:01:50,080 But to be fair, no one is a hundred percent sure... 1057 01:01:50,122 --> 01:01:52,289 what Jay and Silent Bob exactly look like... 1058 01:01:52,415 --> 01:01:54,709 so for all we know they could already be on the lot. 1059 01:02:16,770 --> 01:02:19,650 OK, he's got a pass. Let him in. 1060 01:02:21,192 --> 01:02:24,154 We gotta play this just right. 1061 01:02:34,872 --> 01:02:36,790 You don't have a pass! 1062 01:02:57,852 --> 01:02:59,687 I hate how fake Hollywood is. 1063 01:03:00,355 --> 01:03:02,648 Where do you think you're going? 1064 01:03:06,402 --> 01:03:09,655 Echo base, I've got a 1007- Two unauthorized on the lot. 1065 01:03:09,822 --> 01:03:11,074 Requesting back-up. 1066 01:03:11,240 --> 01:03:12,742 I thought that was a 1082. 1067 01:03:12,909 --> 01:03:14,993 No, sir, a 1082 is disappearing a dead hooker... 1068 01:03:15,161 --> 01:03:16,747 from Ben Affleck's trailer. 1069 01:03:16,872 --> 01:03:17,873 Oh, that Affleck. 1070 01:03:18,040 --> 01:03:19,248 Back-up on the way. 1071 01:03:19,332 --> 01:03:20,500 I'll make you a deal. 1072 01:03:20,667 --> 01:03:23,170 This guy will suck your dick off if you let us go. 1073 01:03:23,337 --> 01:03:24,671 Contrary to what you believe... 1074 01:03:24,837 --> 01:03:27,714 not everyone in the industry is a homosexual. 1075 01:03:27,923 --> 01:03:30,343 How about this deal? 1076 01:03:30,384 --> 01:03:32,761 He'll suck my dick while you watch and jerk-off? 1077 01:03:34,846 --> 01:03:35,639 Alright. 1078 01:03:37,683 --> 01:03:39,851 Make it fast-and sexy. 1079 01:03:40,727 --> 01:03:41,770 It's either this or jail. 1080 01:03:42,436 --> 01:03:44,023 And you know what they do to you in jail. 1081 01:03:44,816 --> 01:03:45,817 I was a guard. 1082 01:03:50,112 --> 01:03:53,782 And after it's all over you say, "Ooh, what a lovely tea party." 1083 01:04:05,001 --> 01:04:06,543 What the fuck you waiting for, bitch? 1084 01:04:06,751 --> 01:04:08,128 Start sucking. 1085 01:04:19,682 --> 01:04:20,474 Worth a shot. 1086 01:04:21,684 --> 01:04:23,643 Like a shot in the fucking mouth, you gay bitch. 1087 01:04:24,769 --> 01:04:27,106 Dude, you were gonna really suck my dick. 1088 01:04:32,736 --> 01:04:34,113 Remember what I said. 1089 01:04:34,321 --> 01:04:39,200 Do not look at Ben or Matt directly in the eyes or you will be fired. 1090 01:04:39,367 --> 01:04:41,243 Does everybody understand that? 1091 01:04:41,411 --> 01:04:42,704 Thank you. 1092 01:04:46,041 --> 01:04:47,959 You frosted your hair. 1093 01:04:49,544 --> 01:04:51,755 Yeah, I frosted my hair, but it looks good. 1094 01:04:52,671 --> 01:04:55,258 This has got to be the Bluntman flick. 1095 01:04:55,300 --> 01:04:57,510 There are those two fucks from the Mork movie. 1096 01:04:57,552 --> 01:04:59,678 Lips-Teeth time or Lion Face? 1097 01:04:59,887 --> 01:05:04,683 Lion face! Lemon face! 1098 01:05:04,850 --> 01:05:05,893 Break it down. 1099 01:05:06,101 --> 01:05:07,811 Where we taking it from, Gus? 1100 01:05:10,856 --> 01:05:11,815 I'm busy. 1101 01:05:12,024 --> 01:05:13,401 You're a true artist, Gus. 1102 01:05:13,526 --> 01:05:14,611 Let's just take it from "it's a good course". 1103 01:05:14,652 --> 01:05:15,694 You're the director now? 1104 01:05:15,861 --> 01:05:16,737 Shove it, "Bounce"-boy. 1105 01:05:16,904 --> 01:05:17,696 Let's remember who talked who... 1106 01:05:17,863 --> 01:05:19,657 into doing this shit in the first place 1107 01:05:19,782 --> 01:05:21,324 Talking me into "Dogma" is one thing, but-. 1108 01:05:21,491 --> 01:05:25,245 I'm sorry I dragged you away from whatever gay serial killers... 1109 01:05:25,412 --> 01:05:27,413 who ride horses and like to play golf 1110 01:05:27,622 --> 01:05:29,290 touchy-feely picture you're gonna do this week. 1111 01:05:29,415 --> 01:05:31,460 I take it you haven't seen "Forces Of Nature". 1112 01:05:31,627 --> 01:05:32,294 You're like a child. 1113 01:05:32,461 --> 01:05:33,336 What do I keep telling you? 1114 01:05:33,503 --> 01:05:36,047 You gotta do the safe picture- then you do the art picture. 1115 01:05:36,214 --> 01:05:37,841 And then sometimes you have to do the payback picture... 1116 01:05:38,008 --> 01:05:40,009 because your friend says you owe him. 1117 01:05:42,136 --> 01:05:43,805 Then sometimes you have to go back to the well. 1118 01:05:43,846 --> 01:05:45,473 And then sometimes you do "Reindeer Games." 1119 01:05:45,723 --> 01:05:46,641 That's just mean. 1120 01:05:46,891 --> 01:05:50,769 All we gotta do is figure out how to get closer to them. 1121 01:05:52,604 --> 01:05:54,690 Get over here. 1122 01:05:54,773 --> 01:05:56,816 You stand here, your buddy's right here. 1123 01:05:56,982 --> 01:05:58,485 Just stand here and react. 1124 01:05:58,652 --> 01:06:01,113 Don't say anything. Especially you. 1125 01:06:02,655 --> 01:06:04,615 That's pretty funny. 1126 01:06:04,740 --> 01:06:06,952 Lock it up, people, we're going for picture. 1127 01:06:07,743 --> 01:06:08,953 Make it happen, guys. 1128 01:06:09,120 --> 01:06:10,329 - Get you fucking hands off me. 1129 01:06:10,497 --> 01:06:11,665 - Fuck off! 1130 01:06:12,750 --> 01:06:14,710 On the count of three, we rush these fucks and... 1131 01:06:14,751 --> 01:06:16,294 beat the shit out of them, because if they're all fucked up... 1132 01:06:16,336 --> 01:06:17,838 they can't make that movie. 1133 01:06:19,213 --> 01:06:23,468 Ready? One... two... three! 1134 01:06:23,635 --> 01:06:27,139 "Good Will Hunting Il: Hunting Season." Scene 16 Take 5. 1135 01:06:30,932 --> 01:06:32,851 Think about the paycheck. OK. 1136 01:06:39,817 --> 01:06:41,027 Action, Gus? 1137 01:06:41,153 --> 01:06:42,653 Jesus, Ben, I said I'm busy. 1138 01:06:46,741 --> 01:06:49,201 I do remember the class. 1139 01:06:49,285 --> 01:06:51,662 But elementary. 1140 01:06:51,829 --> 01:06:53,456 I remember that class. 1141 01:06:53,622 --> 01:06:56,250 It was just between recess and lunch. 1142 01:06:56,417 --> 01:06:58,753 Are we gonna have a problem- again? 1143 01:06:58,878 --> 01:07:02,590 I was still just hoping you might be able to give me a little insight... 1144 01:07:02,757 --> 01:07:04,925 into the Southern Colonies. 1145 01:07:05,759 --> 01:07:07,301 Wood says... 1146 01:07:07,468 --> 01:07:08,970 What did I say? 1147 01:07:09,179 --> 01:07:11,349 You'd be back in here regurgitating Gordon Wood. 1148 01:07:11,515 --> 01:07:13,433 But you forget about Vickers. 1149 01:07:13,475 --> 01:07:15,268 No, I just read Vickers. 1150 01:07:15,476 --> 01:07:16,853 So I'm up on "Inherited Wealth". 1151 01:07:17,020 --> 01:07:21,190 But you're no longer the angry, brilliant, young mind you once were... 1152 01:07:21,398 --> 01:07:25,235 just itching to vent your frustrations. 1153 01:07:25,402 --> 01:07:27,696 You stopped hitting the books with a vengeance... 1154 01:07:27,905 --> 01:07:33,077 and now I've read shit you haven't even heard about yet. 1155 01:07:33,243 --> 01:07:34,495 Face facts, my friend. 1156 01:07:34,663 --> 01:07:36,830 You're just no longer that good... 1157 01:07:36,997 --> 01:07:38,083 Will Hunting. 1158 01:07:42,835 --> 01:07:47,048 Now how do you like them apples? 1159 01:07:49,384 --> 01:07:51,678 I don't like the sound of them apples, Will. 1160 01:07:51,886 --> 01:07:53,346 What're we gonna do? 1161 01:07:53,513 --> 01:07:54,138 - Chuckie- 1162 01:07:54,347 --> 01:07:55,515 - Yeah? 1163 01:07:55,723 --> 01:07:57,600 Chuckie- it's hunting season. 1164 01:08:02,647 --> 01:08:04,022 Apple sauce, bitch. 1165 01:08:06,944 --> 01:08:10,071 Sorry to interrupt, but we've got a 1007 on our hands. 1166 01:08:10,238 --> 01:08:11,781 Oh, Jesus. Again, Ben? 1167 01:08:11,906 --> 01:08:13,116 Bullshit! 1168 01:08:13,282 --> 01:08:15,285 Cause I wasn't with a hooker today. 1169 01:08:16,452 --> 01:08:17,286 There they are! 1170 01:08:18,078 --> 01:08:20,247 Affleck, you were the bomb in "Phantoms". 1171 01:09:02,745 --> 01:09:04,831 Alright, you bastard, let's see who you really are. 1172 01:09:09,627 --> 01:09:11,714 Fucking Miramax! Cut! 1173 01:09:14,674 --> 01:09:15,967 Shannen, usually I say "Cut". 1174 01:09:16,134 --> 01:09:17,553 A monkey, Wes? 1175 01:09:17,720 --> 01:09:19,846 You guys aren't even trying anymore. 1176 01:09:21,681 --> 01:09:23,683 The market research says people love monkeys. 1177 01:09:27,062 --> 01:09:28,480 We love this monkey. 1178 01:09:30,649 --> 01:09:32,025 See. 1179 01:09:32,150 --> 01:09:33,652 Here they are. 1180 01:09:52,336 --> 01:09:54,005 Punch it! 1181 01:09:57,716 --> 01:09:58,842 Fuck! 1182 01:10:05,975 --> 01:10:07,851 Those are some magical guys. 1183 01:10:22,574 --> 01:10:25,576 Dude, I fucking knew it. 1184 01:10:26,244 --> 01:10:28,580 You love that shit, don't you? 1185 01:10:31,791 --> 01:10:33,668 Holy shit, that I looked like it hurt. 1186 01:10:33,835 --> 01:10:35,753 Are you guys alright? 1187 01:10:36,671 --> 01:10:38,256 Let's get you guys on your feet. 1188 01:10:49,641 --> 01:10:52,519 Wait a second- aren't you the guy that fucked the pie? 1189 01:10:53,394 --> 01:10:55,396 You see, man - you see! 1190 01:10:55,521 --> 01:10:58,650 It's never, "Hey, you were in Loser, weren't you?" 1191 01:10:58,774 --> 01:11:01,611 Or "Dude, you rocked in Boys And Girls" 1192 01:11:01,653 --> 01:11:04,324 It always comes back to that fucking pie. I'm haunted by it. 1193 01:11:04,489 --> 01:11:06,241 - You put your dick in a pie. - Enough! 1194 01:11:07,367 --> 01:11:08,410 I'm Jason Biggs. 1195 01:11:08,577 --> 01:11:11,872 Did you really get to 3rd base with that Russian chick like in the movie? 1196 01:11:12,080 --> 01:11:14,541 You mean Shannon? 1197 01:11:14,750 --> 01:11:15,542 No. 1198 01:11:15,751 --> 01:11:17,084 She is fucking fine. 1199 01:11:17,293 --> 01:11:19,379 If I was you, I would've been like- 1200 01:11:24,674 --> 01:11:26,803 You like that? 1201 01:11:26,970 --> 01:11:29,305 What, you never did one of these? 1202 01:11:34,894 --> 01:11:36,854 I've done plenty of that, my friend. 1203 01:11:37,063 --> 01:11:39,315 Holy shit, you're the Dawson. 1204 01:11:39,482 --> 01:11:41,150 James- James Van Der Beek. 1205 01:11:41,359 --> 01:11:43,486 What's up with Pacey stealing Joey away from you? 1206 01:11:43,611 --> 01:11:45,737 If I was you, I would have drowned his ass in the creek. 1207 01:11:45,904 --> 01:11:50,076 Yeah, for Joey. She is too fine. 1208 01:11:50,284 --> 01:11:52,285 Ever get to 3rd base with her? 1209 01:11:52,494 --> 01:11:55,623 There was this one time- Wait a minute, who are you guys? 1210 01:11:56,706 --> 01:11:59,124 They're our stunt doubles, dumb ass. 1211 01:11:59,625 --> 01:12:00,670 - Right? 1212 01:12:00,836 --> 01:12:02,630 - Of course. 1213 01:12:03,463 --> 01:12:04,963 Stunt doubles for what? 1214 01:12:05,130 --> 01:12:07,216 For the move that we're shooting in about fifteen minutes. 1215 01:12:07,424 --> 01:12:09,134 Bluntman & Chronic Strike Back. 1216 01:12:09,301 --> 01:12:11,637 You're doubling me, obviously, 1217 01:12:11,804 --> 01:12:14,681 I'm playing Bluntman, A.K.A. Silent Bill 1218 01:12:14,806 --> 01:12:16,225 - Bob. - Right. 1219 01:12:16,392 --> 01:12:18,644 And he's playing Chronic. 1220 01:12:18,852 --> 01:12:20,395 A.K.A. Ray. 1221 01:12:20,561 --> 01:12:21,646 Jay. Fuck! 1222 01:12:21,896 --> 01:12:23,483 Biggs, did you even read the script? 1223 01:12:23,692 --> 01:12:24,359 There's a script? 1224 01:12:24,567 --> 01:12:25,902 Hey, pie-fucker, 1225 01:12:26,110 --> 01:12:29,029 you would only last a day on "The Creek". 1226 01:12:29,239 --> 01:12:31,116 Wait second, we'll be right back. 1227 01:12:31,324 --> 01:12:32,657 Fuck you and your "Dawson's Crack". 1228 01:12:32,824 --> 01:12:34,534 Go to hell, Pacey. 1229 01:12:37,121 --> 01:12:38,287 These are the fucks that are playing us 1230 01:12:38,454 --> 01:12:41,582 You take 'em out, bam!, no movie. 1231 01:12:42,834 --> 01:12:45,086 Useless little ape. 1232 01:12:45,253 --> 01:12:48,339 What's with the weird, gay huddle going on over there? 1233 01:12:48,506 --> 01:12:49,715 Let me put my arm over yours. 1234 01:12:49,881 --> 01:12:50,925 What's gay about it? 1235 01:12:51,134 --> 01:12:52,218 It's two guys talking in a corner. 1236 01:12:52,343 --> 01:12:55,512 Why are you such a homophobe? 1237 01:12:55,721 --> 01:12:58,183 You're always like "That's gay," or "Look at that gay huddle..." 1238 01:12:58,434 --> 01:12:59,560 "look at that gay dog." 1239 01:12:59,727 --> 01:13:00,602 Dude, that is so gay- 1240 01:13:00,728 --> 01:13:02,020 Yeah, see. 1241 01:13:02,270 --> 01:13:04,898 - I love gay people. 1242 01:13:05,065 --> 01:13:05,733 - I'm sure you do. 1243 01:13:05,858 --> 01:13:07,942 Look at the monkey. 1244 01:13:08,109 --> 01:13:09,943 Now you're gonna tell me the monkey's gay. 1245 01:13:10,068 --> 01:13:12,405 How do you know he doesn't smoke monkey pole? 1246 01:13:12,447 --> 01:13:14,740 He's so cute. 1247 01:13:16,950 --> 01:13:19,786 You go in there and start swinging, don't stop until these young... 1248 01:13:19,953 --> 01:13:21,372 Hollywood fucks are out of commission. 1249 01:13:21,414 --> 01:13:22,707 Ready? Break! 1250 01:13:30,047 --> 01:13:31,923 That's one funky monkey. 1251 01:13:34,552 --> 01:13:36,887 Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek, this is Security. 1252 01:13:36,970 --> 01:13:39,222 There are two intruders on the lot. 1253 01:13:39,389 --> 01:13:41,475 They crashed through a window we believe might be yours. 1254 01:13:42,808 --> 01:13:44,769 Yeah, they're in here. 1255 01:13:45,393 --> 01:13:46,811 Do they have you held hostage? 1256 01:13:46,853 --> 01:13:48,271 Should we call your publicist? 1257 01:13:48,480 --> 01:13:49,064 No. 1258 01:13:49,230 --> 01:13:51,858 We kicked those guys assess bad. 1259 01:13:52,025 --> 01:13:54,068 Real bad. 1260 01:13:54,234 --> 01:13:55,862 Great job, sirs. 1261 01:13:55,987 --> 01:13:57,865 If you'll let us in, we'll take over from here. 1262 01:13:57,990 --> 01:14:01,326 No, me and Jason Biggs are naked in here. 1263 01:14:01,535 --> 01:14:03,204 Butt-naked. Together. 1264 01:14:03,704 --> 01:14:09,585 Okay. Well, we'll wait out here until you clean up. 1265 01:14:20,096 --> 01:14:22,638 How are we gonna get out without them seeing us? 1266 01:14:28,644 --> 01:14:29,520 You've got the wrong guys. 1267 01:14:29,687 --> 01:14:31,564 Doesn't anybody watch the WB? 1268 01:14:31,731 --> 01:14:33,358 I'm a teen idol, dammit! 1269 01:14:33,483 --> 01:14:34,608 Don't you recognize me? 1270 01:14:34,817 --> 01:14:36,276 Look at me. 1271 01:14:36,318 --> 01:14:37,737 I'm the pie-fucker! 1272 01:14:39,656 --> 01:14:42,658 In prison, he'll be the pie. 1273 01:14:45,328 --> 01:14:46,620 This was a good idea, lunch-box. 1274 01:14:46,829 --> 01:14:48,205 In these outfits... 1275 01:14:48,247 --> 01:14:49,581 we're totally incognito. 1276 01:14:49,748 --> 01:14:51,292 Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek- 1277 01:14:52,626 --> 01:14:54,253 Great, you've changed costumes already. 1278 01:14:54,378 --> 01:14:55,380 Let's get you to the set. 1279 01:14:55,547 --> 01:14:56,923 The director doesn't like to be kept waiting. 1280 01:15:00,467 --> 01:15:01,719 Look at all these crackers. 1281 01:15:01,885 --> 01:15:04,721 70 million dollars and I can't even get a black grip. 1282 01:15:04,846 --> 01:15:06,765 It's a shame. It's a damn shame! 1283 01:15:06,974 --> 01:15:08,517 Here's your coffee, sir. 1284 01:15:09,100 --> 01:15:10,852 - You spit in this? - I didn't spit in it. 1285 01:15:11,019 --> 01:15:12,312 Any boogers in it? 1286 01:15:12,521 --> 01:15:13,731 There's no boogers in it, sir. 1287 01:15:13,814 --> 01:15:15,023 You went to film school, didn't you? 1288 01:15:15,148 --> 01:15:18,401 Must piss you off to see a black man run a big production like this. 1289 01:15:19,319 --> 01:15:21,112 Go to the school. 1290 01:15:21,321 --> 01:15:24,615 Does your daddy know that you give a nigger his coffee? 1291 01:15:24,782 --> 01:15:26,326 It would kill him, wouldn't it? 1292 01:15:27,160 --> 01:15:28,828 - There's no boogers in it, sir. - Ten taste it! 1293 01:15:29,662 --> 01:15:31,998 Taste the booger flavor. 1294 01:15:32,165 --> 01:15:33,415 I know it's in there. 1295 01:15:34,624 --> 01:15:35,334 It's all good, sir. 1296 01:15:35,500 --> 01:15:36,585 No it ain't all good. 1297 01:15:36,668 --> 01:15:37,711 Clean that shit up. 1298 01:15:37,919 --> 01:15:39,170 Get me a white boy. 1299 01:15:39,337 --> 01:15:42,966 Get me a blond haired, white boy so I can enjoy that shit. 1300 01:15:43,216 --> 01:15:43,634 - You're the man, sir. 1301 01:15:43,842 --> 01:15:45,843 - No, you're the man and that's the problem. 1302 01:15:46,761 --> 01:15:49,181 Chaka-I'm Banky Edwards, the creator of Bluntman & Chronic. 1303 01:15:49,264 --> 01:15:51,641 We met a few weeks back. 1304 01:15:51,849 --> 01:15:53,185 I'm the executive Producer. 1305 01:15:53,352 --> 01:15:55,646 Oh, you're the Executive Producer. 1306 01:15:55,812 --> 01:15:58,690 Why don't you executive produce me a latte- de-crackernated. 1307 01:15:58,899 --> 01:15:59,983 Okay, Fuck it? 1308 01:16:00,108 --> 01:16:00,651 - It's Banky. 1309 01:16:00,859 --> 01:16:02,277 No, its' Fuck it! 1310 01:16:02,444 --> 01:16:04,655 I just want you to know that I respect your work as an artist. 1311 01:16:04,821 --> 01:16:06,323 I 'm something of an artist myself. 1312 01:16:06,490 --> 01:16:08,074 I was the inker on the comic book. 1313 01:16:08,282 --> 01:16:09,868 You're a tracer, okay? 1314 01:16:10,035 --> 01:16:11,535 Nobody got the heart to tell you. 1315 01:16:11,702 --> 01:16:12,036 You trace. 1316 01:16:12,203 --> 01:16:12,787 You go around the lines. 1317 01:16:12,953 --> 01:16:14,538 You are a tracer! 1318 01:16:14,580 --> 01:16:16,040 You think Fat Alber had a tracer? 1319 01:16:16,248 --> 01:16:16,708 No. 1320 01:16:16,917 --> 01:16:18,502 Bill Cosby did the whole thing with a roller. 1321 01:16:18,710 --> 01:16:19,835 And it was excellent. 1322 01:16:22,254 --> 01:16:24,675 Crack, crack, cracker? 1323 01:16:24,882 --> 01:16:26,384 Biggs and Van Der Beek are on the set, Chaka. 1324 01:16:26,425 --> 01:16:27,885 I don't see them! 1325 01:16:28,094 --> 01:16:30,179 Where are the stars of this piece of shit? 1326 01:16:46,737 --> 01:16:49,488 Damn, this must've set them back a couple hundred bucks. 1327 01:16:53,368 --> 01:16:53,785 Look at this. 1328 01:16:54,034 --> 01:16:56,870 A gay hood ornament and the color purple. 1329 01:16:57,037 --> 01:16:57,913 Who the fuck are you? 1330 01:16:58,080 --> 01:16:58,706 Who the fuck am I? 1331 01:16:58,872 --> 01:17:00,457 I'm the director, Chaka Luther King. 1332 01:17:00,582 --> 01:17:01,583 That's who the fuck I am. 1333 01:17:01,625 --> 01:17:02,584 Wait a second. 1334 01:17:02,751 --> 01:17:04,295 I though Banky and Holden created this shit. 1335 01:17:04,336 --> 01:17:05,837 And I 'm stealing it. 1336 01:17:06,005 --> 01:17:07,756 I'm taking it back for the black man... 1337 01:17:07,881 --> 01:17:11,259 to make up for all the shit you mother fuckers have taken from us. 1338 01:17:11,426 --> 01:17:13,763 Do you know that I came up for the idea for "Sesame Street"? 1339 01:17:13,972 --> 01:17:15,598 I came up with it before PBS. 1340 01:17:15,765 --> 01:17:16,891 The white man stole it. 1341 01:17:17,099 --> 01:17:20,185 I was gonna call it NWP- Niggers With Puppets. 1342 01:17:20,228 --> 01:17:23,230 Catchy, ain't it? 1343 01:17:23,397 --> 01:17:24,647 Enough of this small talk. 1344 01:17:24,814 --> 01:17:25,690 Let's shoot. 1345 01:17:26,524 --> 01:17:27,609 Aren't you gonna direct us? 1346 01:17:27,776 --> 01:17:29,819 I will start directing you to the unemployment line... 1347 01:17:29,861 --> 01:17:31,821 if you don't stop back-talking me, cracker. 1348 01:17:32,530 --> 01:17:33,489 We don't know what we're doing. 1349 01:17:33,698 --> 01:17:34,491 We didn't read the script. 1350 01:17:34,699 --> 01:17:35,325 It ain't hard. 1351 01:17:35,491 --> 01:17:37,285 I film the mother fucker. 1352 01:17:37,452 --> 01:17:38,578 Then I yell "Cut!" 1353 01:17:38,745 --> 01:17:41,121 And run the fuck out of here and go to my trailer... 1354 01:17:41,288 --> 01:17:45,168 cause I got more white girls there than the first lifeboat on the Titanic. 1355 01:17:45,293 --> 01:17:46,918 And they all want a party in my movie, 1356 01:17:47,085 --> 01:17:48,838 and I got just the part for me. 1357 01:17:49,005 --> 01:17:49,965 So are you ready to do this? 1358 01:17:50,132 --> 01:17:51,759 Let's roll with the new. 1359 01:17:53,468 --> 01:17:55,637 Quiet on the set, everyone. 1360 01:17:56,680 --> 01:17:58,598 I got your new coffee sir, booger-free. 1361 01:18:01,350 --> 01:18:03,102 You guys look pretty bad-ass. 1362 01:18:03,977 --> 01:18:06,605 "Bluntman & Chronic Strike Back", scene 37, take 1. 1363 01:18:12,737 --> 01:18:13,571 What're you waiting for? 1364 01:18:13,738 --> 01:18:14,989 Action! 1365 01:18:19,661 --> 01:18:23,205 Um... snoochy-boochies. 1366 01:18:26,959 --> 01:18:28,835 What the fuck? 1367 01:18:37,801 --> 01:18:41,221 You thought I'd never find your precious Bluntcave... 1368 01:18:41,429 --> 01:18:43,556 did you, Hemp Knight? 1369 01:18:43,682 --> 01:18:48,062 But now, you and your sidekick... 1370 01:18:48,104 --> 01:18:52,440 are finally in the grasp of Cock-Knocker! 1371 01:18:56,236 --> 01:18:58,655 Why do they call you Cock-Knocker? 1372 01:18:58,822 --> 01:19:00,658 Actually, there's a funny story behind that. 1373 01:19:01,701 --> 01:19:02,158 You're gonna love it. 1374 01:19:02,409 --> 01:19:03,535 True story. 1375 01:19:06,288 --> 01:19:09,625 Avenge me... Hemp-Knight. 1376 01:19:15,755 --> 01:19:18,258 I think George Lucas is gonna sue somebody. 1377 01:19:19,675 --> 01:19:24,347 Any last words before I bust your balls, Bluntman? 1378 01:20:10,809 --> 01:20:11,976 Duck, pie-fucker. 1379 01:20:14,395 --> 01:20:15,772 Damn, these white boys can't fight. 1380 01:20:17,899 --> 01:20:19,817 Don't fuck with a Jedi master, son. 1381 01:20:25,406 --> 01:20:26,782 Yo! Bitch-fists! 1382 01:20:30,493 --> 01:20:33,872 Call me Darth-balls. 1383 01:20:34,915 --> 01:20:36,207 Good Lord. 1384 01:20:40,754 --> 01:20:42,004 That wasn't in the script. 1385 01:21:10,825 --> 01:21:11,826 So this is Hollywood? 1386 01:21:13,035 --> 01:21:16,998 Then lights, camera, action, Jay and Silent Bob. 1387 01:21:20,334 --> 01:21:22,420 Freeze, you terrorist sons of bitches! 1388 01:21:23,754 --> 01:21:27,300 ...My God... 1389 01:21:32,680 --> 01:21:33,972 Sorry, everyone. 1390 01:21:34,139 --> 01:21:35,473 That was supposed to be a warning shot. 1391 01:21:35,682 --> 01:21:37,727 I'm obviously on the wrong set. 1392 01:21:38,685 --> 01:21:40,269 Is he gonna be okay? 1393 01:21:42,146 --> 01:21:42,896 Not good. 1394 01:21:49,320 --> 01:21:51,822 You are not upstaging me, Van Der Beek. 1395 01:22:00,372 --> 01:22:02,583 This movie's gonna make "House Party" look like "House Party 2". 1396 01:22:02,666 --> 01:22:04,836 - Or "House Party 3". 1397 01:22:04,961 --> 01:22:06,004 - Shut the fuck up. - Yes, sir. 1398 01:22:07,464 --> 01:22:10,341 Chaka, call off Dawson, will you? 1399 01:22:15,094 --> 01:22:17,013 Can I get a "cut!" here? 1400 01:22:22,685 --> 01:22:23,811 Not again. 1401 01:22:25,813 --> 01:22:27,940 Now who's balls have been busted, bitch 1402 01:22:28,816 --> 01:22:29,859 That's it! I'm out of here. 1403 01:22:29,984 --> 01:22:31,402 Chaka, I'll be in my trailer. 1404 01:22:33,279 --> 01:22:34,197 What the fuck? 1405 01:22:34,364 --> 01:22:36,491 The C.L.I.T. Stops here, Jay and Silent Bob. 1406 01:22:36,532 --> 01:22:38,617 Another white boy in this movie? Damn! 1407 01:22:39,786 --> 01:22:41,330 Federal Wildlife Marshall. 1408 01:22:41,372 --> 01:22:42,998 Everyone stay cool. 1409 01:22:43,082 --> 01:22:44,916 Go back to making your adult movie. 1410 01:22:44,958 --> 01:22:46,751 These men are the leaders of a terrorist organization... 1411 01:22:46,919 --> 01:22:48,962 wanted for the abduction of a little monkey. 1412 01:22:49,128 --> 01:22:50,755 They didn't really steal that monkey. 1413 01:22:50,880 --> 01:22:54,008 It was just a diversion so that we could steal these. 1414 01:22:54,175 --> 01:22:55,467 And they're not the leaders of the C.L.I.T. 1415 01:22:55,676 --> 01:22:57,052 The C.L.I.T. Is not real. 1416 01:22:57,219 --> 01:22:59,263 Oh no, the C.L.I.T. Is real. 1417 01:22:59,472 --> 01:23:00,515 It's real. 1418 01:23:00,722 --> 01:23:03,226 It's the female orgasm- that's the myth 1419 01:23:03,393 --> 01:23:04,727 You know what I 'm talking about? 1420 01:23:05,395 --> 01:23:06,436 Are you guys alright? 1421 01:23:06,561 --> 01:23:08,815 I thought you blew up, Boo-Boo Kitty-fuck. 1422 01:23:08,982 --> 01:23:11,651 You remembered. 1423 01:23:11,776 --> 01:23:14,152 It was a frame-up, Jay. 1424 01:23:14,319 --> 01:23:18,614 Missy, Sissy, Chrissy and I are international jewel thieves. 1425 01:23:18,823 --> 01:23:20,032 We were setting you up to be a patsy... 1426 01:23:20,199 --> 01:23:23,453 but I couldn't go through with it because I... 1427 01:23:23,620 --> 01:23:24,620 because I love you. 1428 01:23:25,413 --> 01:23:27,290 Yeah? That means you're gonna fuck me, right? 1429 01:23:27,415 --> 01:23:28,039 Of course. 1430 01:23:28,790 --> 01:23:30,834 If she does it'll be considered necrophilia. 1431 01:23:30,917 --> 01:23:32,919 Because she's gonna be one dead bitch. 1432 01:23:34,796 --> 01:23:36,840 Jussy, did we get you at a bad time? 1433 01:23:37,048 --> 01:23:39,468 You should've just let these guys go down. 1434 01:23:39,677 --> 01:23:41,178 I wanted to go down, but this angel popped on my shoulder... 1435 01:23:41,220 --> 01:23:42,762 and said "Listen" and I was like "What's up?" 1436 01:23:42,929 --> 01:23:45,016 Shut the fuck up before I shoot you where you stand... 1437 01:23:45,182 --> 01:23:46,726 in you pansy red booties. 1438 01:23:47,559 --> 01:23:49,269 Holy shit, I am wearing pansy red booties. 1439 01:23:49,436 --> 01:23:51,272 Why the fuck didn't you tell me? 1440 01:23:51,772 --> 01:23:53,064 Let's have those diamonds, Justice. 1441 01:23:53,273 --> 01:23:54,608 I can't do that, Sissy. 1442 01:23:54,774 --> 01:23:57,194 Then lover-boy gets one in the fucking brain. 1443 01:23:58,196 --> 01:24:00,489 Yo! Lovely ladies! 1444 01:24:00,573 --> 01:24:02,408 Would any of you like a private audition to be in my movie. 1445 01:24:02,450 --> 01:24:04,284 Bring that ass over. C'mon! 1446 01:24:24,637 --> 01:24:25,679 Cray crackers with guns. 1447 01:24:25,846 --> 01:24:27,349 Time to get my black ass outta here. 1448 01:24:33,270 --> 01:24:34,605 You really let me down, Justice. 1449 01:24:34,813 --> 01:24:37,400 Throwing it all away for a little stoner with bad pronunciation. 1450 01:24:37,609 --> 01:24:38,777 What's it gonna be, Sissy? 1451 01:24:38,944 --> 01:24:41,320 Which fighting style do you want me to kick your ass in? 1452 01:24:41,445 --> 01:24:42,821 Are you kidding me? 1453 01:24:43,030 --> 01:24:44,365 I taught you all your moves myself. 1454 01:24:44,490 --> 01:24:46,741 There's no style you can bust that I can't defend against. 1455 01:24:46,908 --> 01:24:48,702 You're no match for my Shaolin Monk. 1456 01:24:48,869 --> 01:24:50,621 But I'll bury you with my Crouching Tiger. 1457 01:24:50,746 --> 01:24:52,038 A little Venus Fly-trap? 1458 01:24:52,205 --> 01:24:54,875 I'll counter with Dragon Queen. 1459 01:24:54,917 --> 01:24:57,543 How about a little "Bitch, my man ain't your baby's daddy"? 1460 01:24:57,710 --> 01:24:58,711 Bring it on. 1461 01:25:04,467 --> 01:25:06,177 I hope one of them rips off the other one's shirt... 1462 01:25:06,344 --> 01:25:09,472 and we see some titties flopping around in the air. 1463 01:25:11,057 --> 01:25:14,435 Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek- I just wanted to say hi. I'm- 1464 01:25:14,643 --> 01:25:15,936 Banky-fucking Edwards! 1465 01:25:16,104 --> 01:25:18,188 Just the mother fucker we came to see. 1466 01:25:18,355 --> 01:25:20,940 What the fuck are you guys doing here? 1467 01:25:26,737 --> 01:25:28,239 Why the hell are you shooting at me? 1468 01:25:28,406 --> 01:25:29,282 Two reasons. 1469 01:25:29,407 --> 01:25:32,702 One- we're walking-taking bad girl clichés. 1470 01:25:32,868 --> 01:25:34,704 And two- because you're a man! 1471 01:25:36,331 --> 01:25:38,041 Only on the outside. 1472 01:25:38,750 --> 01:25:40,627 Stop the movie? Are you crazy? 1473 01:25:40,794 --> 01:25:42,587 All these assholes on the internet are calling us names... 1474 01:25:42,838 --> 01:25:44,673 because of this fucking stupid movie. 1475 01:25:44,881 --> 01:25:47,342 That's what the internet is for- slandering others anonymously. 1476 01:25:47,509 --> 01:25:50,761 Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that. 1477 01:25:55,433 --> 01:25:56,475 This isn't fair. 1478 01:25:56,642 --> 01:25:58,519 We came to Hollywood, I fell in love. 1479 01:25:58,687 --> 01:26:01,230 We stole a monkey, we got shot at... 1480 01:26:01,439 --> 01:26:03,816 and I got punched in the motherfucking nuts... 1481 01:26:03,983 --> 01:26:06,111 by a guy named Cock-knocker. 1482 01:26:06,278 --> 01:26:08,446 I feel for you boys, I really do. 1483 01:26:08,613 --> 01:26:10,656 But Miramax - you know, Miramax films... 1484 01:26:10,865 --> 01:26:13,409 paid me a shitload of money for Bluntman & Chronic. 1485 01:26:13,576 --> 01:26:16,704 So it occurs to me that people bad-mouthing you on a website... 1486 01:26:16,787 --> 01:26:19,873 is none of my fucking concern! 1487 01:26:20,082 --> 01:26:22,043 Oh, but I think it is. 1488 01:26:25,211 --> 01:26:28,466 We had a deal with you on the comics- for likeness rights? 1489 01:26:28,674 --> 01:26:30,632 And as we're not only the artistic basis 1490 01:26:30,798 --> 01:26:32,342 but also the character basis... 1491 01:26:32,508 --> 01:26:34,888 for your intellectual property, Bluntman & Chronic... 1492 01:26:35,013 --> 01:26:37,931 when said property was optioned by Miramax films... 1493 01:26:38,015 --> 01:26:40,809 you were legally obliged to secure our permission... 1494 01:26:40,976 --> 01:26:43,354 to transfer the concept to another medium. 1495 01:26:43,520 --> 01:26:45,814 As you failed to do that, Banky... 1496 01:26:45,856 --> 01:26:48,066 you are in breach of the original contract. 1497 01:26:48,274 --> 01:26:49,610 Ergo, you find yourself... 1498 01:26:49,819 --> 01:26:53,614 in a very actionable position. 1499 01:26:57,786 --> 01:26:59,079 You guys are gonna ruin my movie career 1500 01:26:59,286 --> 01:27:01,455 We want something for our mental anguish. 1501 01:27:01,497 --> 01:27:03,583 Tell you what- we'll settle this monetarily. 1502 01:27:03,750 --> 01:27:05,334 I'll give you half of what I make. 1503 01:27:05,501 --> 01:27:06,376 Half? 1504 01:27:06,542 --> 01:27:07,168 Half's not good enough? 1505 01:27:07,293 --> 01:27:09,128 Fine. I'll give you two thirds. 1506 01:27:09,337 --> 01:27:10,673 Fuck you, you already said half. 1507 01:27:10,839 --> 01:27:12,757 You can't take it back. 1508 01:27:12,924 --> 01:27:13,967 Done. 1509 01:27:19,973 --> 01:27:22,183 Your shit is so tired, Justice. 1510 01:27:22,599 --> 01:27:26,646 Call me Boo-Boo-Kitty-fuck... Bitch! 1511 01:27:36,364 --> 01:27:38,951 Hello? Truce? 1512 01:27:42,786 --> 01:27:44,579 I think I killed both of them. 1513 01:27:45,290 --> 01:27:46,581 I am an excellent marksman. 1514 01:27:46,665 --> 01:27:47,625 I've always- 1515 01:27:52,045 --> 01:27:53,172 C'mon, you guys, it's over. 1516 01:27:58,010 --> 01:27:59,429 Are you alright, Boo-Boo-Kitty-fuck? 1517 01:27:59,554 --> 01:28:01,764 I was just about to jump in and get your back. 1518 01:28:04,016 --> 01:28:04,641 The cops! 1519 01:28:04,766 --> 01:28:06,436 We gotta get out of here. 1520 01:28:06,477 --> 01:28:08,103 I'm tired of running. 1521 01:28:09,478 --> 01:28:12,148 Marshall... are you awake? 1522 01:28:12,940 --> 01:28:14,610 Wake up. 1523 01:28:14,776 --> 01:28:18,778 My God! I'm paralyzed. 1524 01:28:18,945 --> 01:28:21,615 That monkey shot me in the ass and paralyzed me. 1525 01:28:22,532 --> 01:28:24,993 Oh, sweet irony! 1526 01:28:25,160 --> 01:28:25,785 You're not paralyzed. 1527 01:28:25,952 --> 01:28:29,039 It was just a tranquilizer. 1528 01:28:29,247 --> 01:28:30,916 Jesus. 1529 01:28:31,751 --> 01:28:33,877 Tranqued by a little monkey. 1530 01:28:34,044 --> 01:28:36,839 My friends in the Bureau will never let me hear the end of this. 1531 01:28:37,673 --> 01:28:39,466 You have friends in the FBI? 1532 01:28:39,633 --> 01:28:41,801 They all made it in but I failed the exam. 1533 01:28:42,011 --> 01:28:44,721 Why else do you think I became a Federal Wildlife Marshall? 1534 01:28:45,848 --> 01:28:47,308 I'll tell you why, because I'm a joke! 1535 01:28:48,351 --> 01:28:49,853 Maybe not. 1536 01:28:50,770 --> 01:28:52,521 I can make you a deal that'll get you into the FBI... 1537 01:28:52,647 --> 01:28:54,148 regardless of test scores. 1538 01:28:54,815 --> 01:28:56,608 What kind of deal? 1539 01:28:56,775 --> 01:28:58,818 You get the charges dropped against Jay and Silent Bob... 1540 01:28:58,944 --> 01:29:00,362 and say you never found the ape. 1541 01:29:00,528 --> 01:29:02,655 In exchange I will give you the diamonds we stole... 1542 01:29:02,905 --> 01:29:04,866 and turn in Missy, Chrissy, Sissy and myself. 1543 01:29:05,116 --> 01:29:06,618 But I want a reduced sentence. 1544 01:29:06,785 --> 01:29:08,619 You'd be willing to do that? 1545 01:29:12,624 --> 01:29:15,584 For him, I'd be willing to do anything. 1546 01:29:21,924 --> 01:29:25,302 I'm a international jewel thief who's facing a jail sentence. 1547 01:29:25,636 --> 01:29:27,638 That's alright. I'm a junkie with a monkey. 1548 01:29:27,806 --> 01:29:29,808 If I go to prison will you wait for me? 1549 01:29:30,016 --> 01:29:31,267 I don't know. 1550 01:29:31,432 --> 01:29:33,519 Will you fuck me when you get out? 1551 01:29:40,526 --> 01:29:41,151 Don't change the subject. 1552 01:29:41,318 --> 01:29:42,944 Will we fuck when you get out? 1553 01:29:43,111 --> 01:29:44,696 Snoogens. 1554 01:29:51,786 --> 01:29:55,498 There's a lot of love in the room. 1555 01:29:55,957 --> 01:29:59,585 Regardless of what you may here heard, I do not kiss guys. 1556 01:30:00,211 --> 01:30:01,296 Okay. 1557 01:30:02,297 --> 01:30:04,590 Play it cool, hotshot. 1558 01:30:08,719 --> 01:30:11,305 Sorry, Justice. We have to go. 1559 01:30:12,805 --> 01:30:14,056 And stop stealing monkeys. 1560 01:30:14,266 --> 01:30:15,017 - Fuck you! 1561 01:30:15,183 --> 01:30:16,768 - Fair enough. 1562 01:30:21,982 --> 01:30:23,441 Wait for me. 1563 01:30:23,608 --> 01:30:25,026 What? Here? 1564 01:30:38,832 --> 01:30:41,168 Well, boys- you're rich, in love- 1565 01:30:42,294 --> 01:30:43,338 You're in love- 1566 01:30:43,546 --> 01:30:45,255 And to top it off you've got your own monkey. 1567 01:30:45,464 --> 01:30:47,423 What more could two guys from Jersey possibly want? 1568 01:30:48,215 --> 01:30:50,427 To have these fucks stop talking shit about us on the internet. 1569 01:30:50,469 --> 01:30:52,553 What've I been telling you? 1570 01:30:52,720 --> 01:30:54,347 There's not much you can do to stop that. 1571 01:30:54,555 --> 01:30:57,643 Short of showing up at their house and beating the shit out of them. 1572 01:31:05,650 --> 01:31:09,611 All the money we're making could buy a lot of plane tickets. 1573 01:31:15,784 --> 01:31:16,368 Yeah? 1574 01:31:16,534 --> 01:31:19,621 Do you post as Magnolia Fan on Movie Poop Shoot. Com? 1575 01:31:19,663 --> 01:31:22,622 Yeah! 1576 01:31:22,747 --> 01:31:26,586 Did you write "Fuck Jay and Silent Bob." 1577 01:31:26,795 --> 01:31:29,296 "Fuck them in their stupid asses"? 1578 01:31:29,463 --> 01:31:31,215 Yeah, a while ago. So? 1579 01:31:40,850 --> 01:31:45,229 On Movie Poop Shoot.com did you say Jay and Silent Bob are... 1580 01:31:45,396 --> 01:31:48,024 quote, "fucking clown shoes and if they were real... 1581 01:31:48,233 --> 01:31:50,318 "I'd kick the shit out of them for being so stupid"? 1582 01:31:50,526 --> 01:31:51,860 - Yeah. - Really? 1583 01:32:13,672 --> 01:32:16,259 That's right. That's it. 1584 01:32:20,178 --> 01:32:26,561 Right. That's right. 1585 01:32:49,833 --> 01:32:51,502 That's beautiful, man. 1586 01:32:51,669 --> 01:32:53,922 That was worse than Clash Of The Titans 1587 01:32:54,088 --> 01:32:56,172 I can't believe Judy Dench played me. 1588 01:32:56,422 --> 01:32:59,468 Remind me to renew that Restraining Order. 1589 01:32:59,718 --> 01:33:00,177 Why? 1590 01:33:00,384 --> 01:33:02,470 I am gonna blast that flick on the internet tonight. 1591 01:33:02,720 --> 01:33:05,390 Why can't Hollywood ever makes a decent comic book movie? 1592 01:33:05,557 --> 01:33:06,974 Tell me, Steve-Dave. 1593 01:33:07,016 --> 01:33:08,392 Would you stop saying that? 1594 01:33:08,559 --> 01:33:11,436 That was just another paean to male adolescence... 1595 01:33:11,603 --> 01:33:13,271 and its refusal to grow up. 1596 01:33:13,438 --> 01:33:15,941 Yeah, sis, but it was better than Mall Rats. 1597 01:33:16,107 --> 01:33:19,027 At least Holden had the good sense to keep his name off of it. 1598 01:33:19,194 --> 01:33:22,573 Why wouldn't Miramax option his other comic instead? 1599 01:33:22,698 --> 01:33:26,327 The one with you and him and your relationship. 1600 01:33:26,494 --> 01:33:28,537 Chasing Amy? 1601 01:33:28,829 --> 01:33:30,538 That would never work as a movie. 1602 01:33:30,705 --> 01:33:32,999 I'm so fucking embarrassed. 1603 01:33:33,125 --> 01:33:34,378 Honey, you should be. 1604 01:33:34,586 --> 01:33:35,544 They took your characters... 1605 01:33:35,711 --> 01:33:38,297 and turned them into one 90-minute long gay joke. 1606 01:33:38,464 --> 01:33:40,091 It was like watching Batman and Robin again. 1607 01:33:40,300 --> 01:33:43,511 Thank, that means a lot coming from the guy who pretends be "Shaft"... 1608 01:33:43,594 --> 01:33:46,137 as opposed to the guy who takes shaft. 1609 01:33:46,179 --> 01:33:48,431 I don't hear you complaining nightly. 1610 01:33:48,473 --> 01:33:50,725 I don't get out to the movies much, but I have to say... 1611 01:33:50,850 --> 01:33:53,477 Bluntman & Chronic was blut-tastic. 1612 01:33:53,519 --> 01:33:56,064 Are these leg cuffs really necessary? 1613 01:33:56,231 --> 01:33:58,691 Don't make me shoot you, Justice. 1614 01:34:00,442 --> 01:34:03,154 The party's across the street featuring the greatest band in the world... 1615 01:34:03,196 --> 01:34:05,781 Morris Day and the Time. 1616 01:34:25,259 --> 01:34:27,011 I... 1617 01:34:27,219 --> 01:34:29,137 I... I been watching you. 1618 01:34:29,345 --> 01:34:31,765 I think I want to know you. 1619 01:34:32,850 --> 01:34:35,643 I said... I’m a little dangerous. 1620 01:34:36,853 --> 01:34:40,273 Girl I'd love to show you... 1621 01:34:40,440 --> 01:34:43,526 my jungle love. 1622 01:35:53,302 --> 01:35:56,681 I'd be like, "What, you don't know fucking Jay and Silent Bob... 1623 01:35:56,889 --> 01:35:59,558 the fucking mack-daddies of fucking Jersey"? 1624 01:35:59,725 --> 01:36:01,851 And she'd be like "Oh, I read on the internet that you guys..." 1625 01:36:02,060 --> 01:36:04,313 "are a couple of little fuck-holes!" 1626 01:36:44,811 --> 01:36:46,771 I got a bear skinned rug. Y'all sing it. 1627 01:36:48,521 --> 01:36:50,690 I got a fireplace. I can't hear you. 1628 01:36:52,318 --> 01:36:54,402 We're all the way live in L.A. 1629 01:36:56,029 --> 01:36:58,615 Oh, the things I could do to you.