♪ Born on the wrong end Of the leash ♪
-♪ He was a dreamer ♪ -♪ And a little schemer ♪
♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪
♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪
♪ He'd start to drool ♪
-♪ One day he says ♪ -♪ I'll take a chance ♪
♪ Trades his leash For a pair of pants ♪
♪ In a glance, school becomes His favorite pastime ♪
♪ I have buried a bone For the last time ♪
-♪ He says ♪ -♪ I want to be a boy ♪
♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪
♪ He's so over just being rover ♪
♪ I gotta be a boy ♪
♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪
♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪
♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪
Why can't I be a normal kid like any other?
Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.
♪ I want to be a boy ♪
I hate dogs.
♪ I gotta be a boy ♪
♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪
I do not wish to be a dog.
♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪
♪ I got to be a boy ♪
♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪
♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪
Yes!
[children talking]
So, please be a friend to your friend Mr. Earth...
[clock ticking]
And reduce, reuse, and recycle--
aluminum, paper, cardboard, plastics--one and two--
even old motor oil in some areas!
[bell rings, children cheer]
Have a green weekend!
Oh, Scott and Leonard...
Oh, we were this close.
Would you boys be a couple of planet-saving superheroes
and separate all this trash into the recycling bins?
Mom, we got to get ready.
Tonight's the big laser tag tournament
and pizza party at the mall.
Oh, right. Laser tag and pizza. Mm-hmm.
I guess that's a lot more important
than this big blue marble we all live on.
Man, sometimes the earth really bugs me big time.
Oh, chill, buddy.
We'll just power through this garbage
and be on our merry way to the Laser Tag Pizzaporium.
Just think--my first laser. My first tag.
My first pizza that somebody didn't drop on the floor first.
Ew. This is nose related,
but still recyclable.
Mrs. Helperman? A word if I may.
Tallu, darling,
play with the boys for a minute.
[hisses]
Why is it that every time we walk into this classroom,
Tallulah acts like she's just seen a dog?
Um, well, perhaps it's this.
Ruff!
Could be.
Cats are magnificent creatures, but easily confused.
[growls]
Anywho, Mrs. Helperman, I need a favor.
Tonight begins the annual principal's convention
down in Southwest East Westland.
I had my mother all set to take care of Tallulah,
but she won 100 bucks at bingo last night,
decided she was on a lucky streak,
and headed out for Lost Wages
to, uh, parlay her c-note into a new mobile home.
Oh, um, well, I was planning to--
oh, this sounds so selfish--
buy groceries, vacuum, and make the beds tonight,
but you're a friend in need, Principal Strickler,
so what the hay.
I'd be pleased to pamper your pretty pink pussycat.
Did you hear what she just said?
What--pretty pink pussycat?
Don't get us off on that super stupid sidetrack.
Stupor scupid stidesack. Pooper scooper tie rack.
She said Tallulah Strickler
could stay at our house tonight.
-So? -Hola? Hola?
Maybe we should rent this space.
There seems to be a vacancy.
That cat already suspects that I, the boy Scott,
am not who nor what I appear to be.
No biggie. We'll hide all your Scott stuff,
and you can just be Spot the dog the whole time she's there.
What about my first ever laser tag
and pizza party at the mall?
I don't know, I guess you'll just have to skip it and stay home and be a dog.
What? I see what this is all about.
You're afraid I'm going to cream you at laser tag
and afterwards snag all the pepperonis.
Well, now I most definitely will,
Leonard Helperman,
just to teach you a life lesson about trust,
as soon as I figure out
a wily, weasely way to win my way away.
Wheely wisely wee to whoo my why whoo.
Ooh, wow-wee, wow, wow, wow.
Gee. I sure hope it's easier to do
than it is to say.
[Scott] Gentlemen--
there's a cat a-coming, men.
A bigger badder cat than you ever thought you'd meet
in this miserable little thing you call your lives.
Now, here's the plan.
Any questions?
[all] Uh...
I was afraid of that. Plan "B".
[all] Oh.
[doorbell rings]
We have met the enemy, and he is her.
Come on in. Wipe your feet.
As you know, I won't be vacuuming tonight.
No guilt.
It's just an overnighter, so I packed light.
Now here are a few instructions for Tallulah's general care,
emergency contacts,
and lactose-free recipes.
She gets a little irky.
You needn't worry about Miss Tallulah one little bit,
Principal Strickler.
I know all about cats. I've got one of my own.
Mr. Jolly...
Come say hi-de-ho to your new friend Tallulah.
[sniffs]
[meows]
I think I just met the future Mrs. Jolly.
[purring]
It's so hard to leave my little ball of sugar fur.
Adieu, Tallu, adieu.
[clears throat]
Be a good cat.
Meow.
Oh.
Tallulah!
Oh, my granny's baked beans, what's going on?
No!
Well, they're only drapes--
brand-new, custom-made, designer drapes
that cost four months of a teacher's salary,
but it's not like they're spun from gold or anything.
[glass breaks]
Oh, for Pete's potpie, what now?
I'll save you, Pretty Boy.
Leonard Helperman,
you get down from there this very instant!
Just a sec, Mom. I almost got--whoa!
Oh!
Not fair.
That darn cat wrecks our house,
tries to eat our bird, ruins everything,
and you're the one
who has to get chained up outside?
Look at the cup as half full.
What your mom didn't realize
when she ordered you to tether me to a post
like some common unhousebroken cur
was that she was actually playing
right into my get-Spot-out-of-the-house-
so-Scott-can-go-to-the-laser-tag-
and-pepperoni-pizza-party- at-the-mall-tonight plan.
The name of that plan keeps growing, doesn't it?
Yeah, Bunky, like my score at laser tag
when I beat your pants off.
That cat is evil. She's not right, I tell you.
Oh, bah, She's just high-spirited and full of life.
Oh, I hope this leaves a scar.
It'll make such a cute story to tell our grandkittens.
What's the matter with you?
You're acting like you never saw a girl cat before in all your life.
Well, tie me down
and hit me with a bag of birdseed.
It's true, ain't it?
Until today, my bowl, my box, and my television set
were plenty enough of a life for me--
until today...
But, suddenly, everything has changed.
Suddenly, I want to see Niagara Falls.
Oy!
They could've brought home a sweet little parakeet
from the animal shelter five years ago, but, no--
a big, fat, neurotic orange cat!
That's what this dump needed!
We'll see who's going
to beat whose pants off at laser tag.
Oh, uh, this?
These are, uh, oh, my clothes.
Yeah, yeah, that's it. They're my clothes.
Yeah, you know, uh, boys wear clothes.
You don't wear clothes because you're a pet.
None of my pets wear clothes.
What a funny idea. Ha ha ha ha ha.
Well, I guess I'll just go take my clothes
and go put them back in my room.
Step on it, Leonard.
This is half a day in dog years.
He'll be here any second.
Any second now.
First she's in the living room.
So, okay, I thought-- I'll try the kitchen,
but then guess who comes strolling out
from behind the refrigerator.
All right, I'll just climb out the bathroom window.
Out of the corner of my eye
I see my mom's bathrobe start moving.
Then, suddenly, the bathrobe has a tail,
and sure enough, it's her.
I'm telling you, spot, there's a million of her. She's everywhere.
Look-- there she is!
Cut it out. That's not funny.
No, really-- there she is!
Quick-- pretend I'm a dog. Scratch me behind the ear
and give me a few of those really long pets, you know?
Where you start at my head and go down to my tail?
I know how to pet a dog. I've had three of them.
-You what? -Nothing.
-You said something. -No, I didn't.
There were dogs before me?
Maybe.
There were or there weren't.
I barely remember...
Their names?
Lovey Bear and Buddly Buns.
Mm-hmm. Lovey Bear and Cuddly Buns.
I see. Fine.
Let's speak of them no more.
Were they softer than me?
Cuter, sweeter, more lovable?
Could they multiple 3-digit numbers
and recite the periodic table of the elements?
I don't remember. I don't think so.
I don't think so either!
Fine, fine. We'll speak of them no more.
Just leave me here chained like a dog--
one of three,
the other two of whom we shall speak no more.
Oh, um, Tallulah's just fine, Principal Strickler.
Not a-a strand of fur out of place.
[Principal Strickler] Put her on the phone.
I need to hear her purr.
Well, she just started a nap.
About time.
Must be exhausted from destroying my house.
I can't hear you, Mrs. Helperman.
Our, uh, keynote speaker on the topic of, uh,
the importance of elementary school principaling
in the new millennium is, uh, talking too loudly.
Got to go now.
[singing conga music]
[snoring]
Keep watch, Major Jolly,
and be prepared to deploy a technical diversion
in the event of any significant enemy movement.
Excusez-moi?
Keep the cat busy if she wakes up.
Ooh. Aye-aye, sir. I mean, hup, 2, 3, 4.
I mean-- I don't know war talk.
I'm a lover, not a fighter.
Where are you going, lambchop?
Um, nowhere. The mall--
you know, laser tag, pizza.
Just me, not Scott.
I mean, not his stuff. Why would I have his stuff?
Oh, Lenny, I know how much you boys wanted
to go to that party, but I just can't get away
to drive you over there tonight, sweetie.
I promised Principal Strickler I'd look after Tallulah.
And right now it's time to serve
her fresh alpine mountain spring water
in a cut crystal dish and an Irish linen doily.
Oh, dear, it appears her little claws
have shredded the linen doilies
that were the only things my great-grandparents
brought over on the boat from Dublin
besides the bedspread, but who cares about that?
Because I've been so busy catering to her
I haven't even had the time to make my bed!
So, I guess we're not going?
Uh, uh, three words.
First word--one syllable.
Sounds like tree. Me? He? Thee?
No. Oh... We?
We? We?
Second word-- sounds like pant.
Rant? Slant?
Can!
We can't... What?
We can't what?
We can't go!
All right, I got it!
Oh, we can't go.
[thunder crashes]
Great.
Somerset Maughm couldn't have written it better.
Are you watching me?
Don't watch me, 'cause I'm watching you watching me,
so you better watch it!
How can I tell her I love her
if I'm afraid even to speak to her?
Perhaps if I composed something--a poem.
No! Too staid, too artificial.
Doesn't reveal the inner me.
I know!
I'll rap!
[rap music playing]
[record scratching]
♪ Tallulah, you are my ruler ♪
♪ I'm just a fool-ah for you-la ♪
♪ Tallulah ♪
♪ Makes you do the hula ♪
♪ Tallulah, spend all my moolah ♪
♪ At the jeweler to buy you-la ♪
♪ Something cool-ah-- It'll make you drool-ah ♪
♪ Tallulah ♪
Yo, yo, yo, this is Jolly-o,
furry Jade, in-the-house cat of love!
What if she's not into rap?
Oh, sigh.
I can't take the chance.
Did I ever show you this one?
-Cool. -Oh, honey, come on, give us a smile.
Why do people do this, Mom?
Why do we turn our whole house
and our lives and our pets' lives
all upside down just to help a cat
who isn't even going to appreciate it anyway?
Well, honey, sometimes we do things
that may inconvenience us
because it's good to help people.
It's like planting a little seed.
They may not thank you right away-- or ever.
-The seed? -No, no, the person you help.
But because of your good deed,
someday they'll be a great, big apple tree.
The person you help?
No, the seed is the--oh, I don't know.
All I know is it's time to poach
Tallulah's three free-range chicken egg whites--
no, yolk, no shell, lightly salted,
and served at room temperature.
So help me golly, I'd just like to pinch
her twitchy little whiskers!
You didn't just hear Mommy say that.
Mom, I've never seen you like this.
You're like--like a real person
with feelings and everything.
Ooh. There, it's passed. Ha ha. Oh...
Tallulah can have her egg whites later.
Right now I'm gonna drive you to the mall.
We'll stop and pick up your friend Scott on the way.
Huh? Uh...
Oh, hey, look, I see him outside right now.
I'll just go meet him by the doghouse
with these clothes and glasses he left here.
What's this?
Don't ask. Just change and meet us on the corner.
I'll be in the car with my mom.
♪ I am gonna laser ♪
♪ I am gonna pizza ♪
♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ha ♪
♪ Bum bum bum bum ♪
[gulp]
Well, well, well,
what do we have here?
What's the matter, pooch? Have I got your tongue?
Uh...
Did someone let me out of the bag?
[trembling]
Ah, look at him--
shaking like a little puppy on those boy pants of his.
Well, you can quit faking it now.
I've been watching you since the moment I got here,
and I know everything.
You do?
You're not the dog you pretend to be, are you?
All right.
You were bound to figure it out sooner or later.
All this time I've been masquerading as a...
As a happy-go-lucky little dog,
when you're nothing more than a scared, sad,
forgotten pet in the rain, just like me.
No, no, I'm a--
I mean... You saw right through me.
Oh, you're so brilliant, so perceptive.
I've always been an excellent judge of character.
Really?
So, uh, what do you think of that new kid
in the fourth grade--
you know, Scott Leadready II?
Who?
You know, the really smart, funny, popular one?
You mean Jason?
No, Scott-- glasses, little beanie.
You always get your fur up around him.
Oh, right, of course-- Ian.
Ian? Have you lost your mind?
I'm talking about Scott! Scott! Scott!
You know, an awful lot of children go to that school.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go see about some poached egg whites.
Whew! Boy, I thought I was a goner there.
How could she not know Scott?
Oh, the agony, the torture.
Yeah, yeah. Well, just shut your yap and I'll be fine.
Oh, you mean you.
When I'm around her,
I do nothing but shut my yap,
as you so eloquently put it.
Ooh, Pretty Boy, how will Tallulah
ever know I love her if I can't find
the courage to tell her how I feel?
Unless...
Unless there was someone who would tell her for me,
someone who never shuts his yap, hmm?
Me-- get within 5 feet of that eating machine?
Oh, you're right. It's too much to ask.
[sobbing]
All right, I'll tell her for you,
but don't forget what kind of friend I am
next time my birthday rolls around.
See that cat over there? He likes you.
You know what I mean-- likes you!
Not me, him! Him!
All righty-rooni. Ready to go, boys?
Are we sure Tallulah won't do anything crazy
while we're gone?
No, Leonard.
I believe that underneath that vicious,
destructive cat exterior beats the heart
of a sad, scared, lonely little kitty.
Aah!
Uh-oh.
He's a tough little bird. He'll be fine.
You say something, Scott?
I was just saying you're all clear, Mrs. H.
No one's behind us.
You can pull out of the driveway now.
Oh! Oh, why couldn't I have been looking
out the other window?
Stop the car! We have to stay.
Are you sure? You boys were so looking forward
to the big laser tag tournament
and pepperoni pizza party.
No, it's better to stay.
This is what friends do for friends,
even if it's really, really inconvenient.
Let's speak of it no more.
Oh, woo, woo, woo, my baby,
my baby.
You're a wreck!
What did you do,
just leave her tied up outside the whole time?
Rest assured, Principal Strickler,
mi casa was certainly her casa.
Oh, my goodness.
She's leaving, and I never told her I love her.
I must do it now, before she goes away
and I lose my chance forever.
You won't mind if I watch from way back here.
I love you, Tallulah. I love you, Tallulah.
Meow.
I-I-I... ahh...
Good girl.
Let's get out of here and get you cleaned up.
Did that look bad?
No, you were fine.
Sorry you never got to talk to her, big guy.
You know, I'm not.
In a way, it couldn't be more perfect.
Now she'll never be able to reject me
and spoil all my dreams.
And now I must repair to my favorite spot--
behind the philodendron-- to let the dappled rays
of morning sun wash over me
as I slip into a slumber of fantasy.
Well, Mrs. Helperman,
aren't you forgetting something?
Um, her cut crystal water dish,
her New Zealand lamb's wool snuggle...
"Thank you, Principal Strickler,
for letting me take care of your beautiful cat."
Oh, you have got to be--
Thank you for letting me
take care of your beautiful cat.
Oh, the pleasure is all mine.
And here's a little something for you, young man.
First prize in the principal's
limbo competition.
♪ How low can you go? ♪
Two free rounds of laser tag
and a giant 6-meat pizza!
Wow!
Well, I know two fellas who are going to love that!
Might their names be Lovey Bear and Cuddly Buns?
We shall speak of it no more.