1 00:00:00,333 --> 00:00:01,883 ♪ Born on the wrong end Of the leash ♪ 2 00:00:01,959 --> 00:00:04,289 -♪ He was a dreamer ♪ -♪ And a little schemer ♪ 3 00:00:04,375 --> 00:00:05,665 ♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪ 4 00:00:05,750 --> 00:00:07,420 ♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪ 5 00:00:07,500 --> 00:00:08,500 ♪ He'd start to drool ♪ 6 00:00:08,583 --> 00:00:10,133 -♪ One day he says ♪ -♪ I'll take a chance ♪ 7 00:00:10,208 --> 00:00:11,748 ♪ Trades his leash For a pair of pants ♪ 8 00:00:11,834 --> 00:00:14,174 ♪ In a glance, school becomes His favorite pastime ♪ 9 00:00:14,250 --> 00:00:16,580 ♪ I have buried a bone For the last time ♪ 10 00:00:16,667 --> 00:00:17,997 -♪ He says ♪ -♪ I want to be a boy ♪ 11 00:00:18,083 --> 00:00:19,833 ♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪ 12 00:00:19,917 --> 00:00:21,207 ♪ He's so over just being rover ♪ 13 00:00:21,291 --> 00:00:22,581 ♪ I gotta be a boy ♪ 14 00:00:22,667 --> 00:00:25,207 ♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪ 15 00:00:25,291 --> 00:00:26,671 ♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪ 16 00:00:26,750 --> 00:00:28,710 ♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪ 17 00:00:28,792 --> 00:00:30,962 Why can't I be a normal kid like any other? 18 00:00:31,041 --> 00:00:33,041 Now, doodle bug, listen to mother. 19 00:00:33,125 --> 00:00:34,915 ♪ I want to be a boy ♪ 20 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:36,750 I hate dogs. 21 00:00:36,834 --> 00:00:39,714 ♪ I gotta be a boy ♪ 22 00:00:39,792 --> 00:00:41,462 ♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪ 23 00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,462 I do not wish to be a dog. 24 00:00:43,542 --> 00:00:46,082 ♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪ 25 00:00:46,166 --> 00:00:47,496 ♪ I got to be a boy ♪ 26 00:00:47,583 --> 00:00:49,083 ♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪ 27 00:00:49,166 --> 00:00:52,206 ♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪ 28 00:00:52,291 --> 00:00:54,131 Yes! 29 00:01:22,375 --> 00:01:23,705 [Mrs. Helperman] Meet Sacagawea, 30 00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:25,172 the little Native American bird girl 31 00:01:25,250 --> 00:01:28,830 who was such a helper bee to Lewis and Clark's expedition 32 00:01:28,917 --> 00:01:30,787 that our government has chosen to honor her 33 00:01:30,875 --> 00:01:34,035 by putting her picture on the new $1 coin. 34 00:01:35,125 --> 00:01:35,955 [film reel flapping] 35 00:01:37,083 --> 00:01:38,003 [all snoring] 36 00:01:39,417 --> 00:01:41,997 Hmm. 37 00:01:42,083 --> 00:01:45,633 Sacagawea was also the answer 38 00:01:45,709 --> 00:01:47,959 to last night's $16,000 question 39 00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:50,041 on "How'd You Like to be a Zillionaire?" 40 00:01:50,125 --> 00:01:51,625 How much did they win? 41 00:01:51,709 --> 00:01:53,039 Did they get it right? 42 00:01:53,125 --> 00:01:55,785 Do I know my students or what? 43 00:01:55,875 --> 00:01:57,625 All righty, then. 44 00:01:57,709 --> 00:01:59,829 Now, remember, boys and girls, 45 00:01:59,917 --> 00:02:03,207 tomorrow class will be dismissed one hour early... 46 00:02:03,291 --> 00:02:04,541 [cheering] 47 00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:06,752 So I can meet with your parents 48 00:02:06,834 --> 00:02:09,504 and discuss your progress this term. 49 00:02:09,583 --> 00:02:10,633 [groaning] 50 00:02:11,458 --> 00:02:12,748 Yeah! 51 00:02:12,834 --> 00:02:14,174 [coughs] 52 00:02:15,083 --> 00:02:18,883 I mean, boo. 53 00:02:18,959 --> 00:02:20,379 [rings] 54 00:02:22,041 --> 00:02:24,421 So what's with the inappropriate outburst 55 00:02:24,500 --> 00:02:26,830 and subsequent pathetic attempt to conceal your joy? 56 00:02:28,083 --> 00:02:29,963 Didn't you hear what she said? 57 00:02:30,041 --> 00:02:32,581 It's parent-teacher conference day tomorrow, 58 00:02:32,667 --> 00:02:34,577 the day every kid in the world 59 00:02:34,667 --> 00:02:35,957 lives in dread of 60 00:02:36,041 --> 00:02:38,381 because of what their teacher might tell their parent, 61 00:02:38,458 --> 00:02:40,458 except for me-- Leonard Helperman-- 62 00:02:40,542 --> 00:02:43,962 because my teacher is my parent. 63 00:02:44,041 --> 00:02:46,171 It's Leonard's day! Oh, yeah! 64 00:02:46,250 --> 00:02:49,170 So what you're saying is every other day stinks. 65 00:02:49,250 --> 00:02:51,500 Uh-huh. What? No. 66 00:02:51,583 --> 00:02:52,883 Sure, I can see that. 67 00:02:52,959 --> 00:02:55,919 If you do well in class, you impress your mother, 68 00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:58,630 but all the kids think you're the teacher's pet. 69 00:02:58,709 --> 00:03:00,999 If you don't do well, 70 00:03:01,083 --> 00:03:03,333 both your mom and your teacher are... 71 00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:05,417 [shudders] Disappointed in you. 72 00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:07,830 What kind of existence is that? 73 00:03:07,917 --> 00:03:09,787 Constantly at war with yourself-- 74 00:03:09,875 --> 00:03:13,035 "do I hang with the kids or do I please my mom?" 75 00:03:13,125 --> 00:03:15,955 Day after day, week after week. 76 00:03:16,041 --> 00:03:17,711 How do you go on living? 77 00:03:17,792 --> 00:03:20,292 Yeah, well, thanks for understanding. 78 00:03:20,375 --> 00:03:23,495 They don't call me man's best friend for nothing. 79 00:03:23,583 --> 00:03:25,883 So, Leonard, about this parent-teacher deal... 80 00:03:25,959 --> 00:03:28,079 Boy, were you ever right when you said 81 00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:30,286 life as a teacher's kid stinks. 82 00:03:30,375 --> 00:03:33,995 But about the parent-teacher conferences... 83 00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:36,753 Remember the other day when mom went to the bathroom 84 00:03:36,834 --> 00:03:38,004 and put me in charge of writing down names 85 00:03:38,083 --> 00:03:41,173 of anyone who wasn't working on their math problems? 86 00:03:41,250 --> 00:03:42,790 Everyone called me Leonardict Arnold. 87 00:03:42,875 --> 00:03:45,125 Yes, that was very wrong of whoever coined 88 00:03:45,208 --> 00:03:47,498 that extremely clever 89 00:03:47,583 --> 00:03:49,923 historical reference/play-on-your-name. 90 00:03:50,041 --> 00:03:52,831 So, getting back to my parent-teacher thing... 91 00:03:52,917 --> 00:03:54,667 How about the time we were doing anatomy 92 00:03:54,750 --> 00:03:56,830 and she brought in my naked baby pictures? 93 00:03:56,917 --> 00:03:59,577 Well, in her defense, they were adorable. 94 00:03:59,667 --> 00:04:02,747 But let's stay on track. My parent-teacher conference. 95 00:04:02,834 --> 00:04:04,504 And how about when she forgets we're at school 96 00:04:04,583 --> 00:04:06,003 and calls me Lenny Penny? 97 00:04:06,083 --> 00:04:07,583 All right, all ready! 98 00:04:07,667 --> 00:04:10,667 You think we can spare one second of this conversation 99 00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:12,330 to talk about me? 100 00:04:12,417 --> 00:04:14,247 What do you have to talk about? 101 00:04:14,333 --> 00:04:16,963 Your mom's not the teacher. You've got no problems. 102 00:04:17,041 --> 00:04:20,041 Uh, Leonard, I hate to ruin your special moment, 103 00:04:20,125 --> 00:04:22,205 but have you considered the fact 104 00:04:22,291 --> 00:04:26,421 that tomorrow is parent conference day, 105 00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:29,670 and Scott Leadready is a boy without a parent? 106 00:04:29,750 --> 00:04:33,540 Oh, gee, I never thought about that. 107 00:04:33,625 --> 00:04:35,625 Why would you? You've got a mom. 108 00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:37,669 It's the kind of thing 109 00:04:37,750 --> 00:04:40,040 only a guy without a mom thinks about. 110 00:04:40,125 --> 00:04:41,825 My mom... 111 00:04:41,917 --> 00:04:43,667 ♪ I wonder where she is ♪ 112 00:04:43,750 --> 00:04:45,630 ♪ I wonder how she is ♪ 113 00:04:45,709 --> 00:04:47,629 ♪ I wonder who she is ♪ 114 00:04:47,709 --> 00:04:49,629 Hey, are you about to sing? 115 00:04:49,709 --> 00:04:51,539 I think I am. 116 00:04:54,291 --> 00:04:56,791 ♪ Someone to lick my fur ♪ 117 00:04:56,875 --> 00:05:00,165 ♪ She picks me up, I snuggle her ♪ 118 00:05:00,250 --> 00:05:03,670 ♪ We share a bowl, We laugh and roll ♪ 119 00:05:03,750 --> 00:05:07,710 ♪ And then we find a tree ♪ 120 00:05:07,792 --> 00:05:10,502 ♪ Someone with tags like mine ♪ 121 00:05:10,583 --> 00:05:13,673 ♪ Her tail wags Her sweet behind ♪ 122 00:05:13,750 --> 00:05:17,420 ♪ Her nose is cold, Her eyes are kind ♪ 123 00:05:17,500 --> 00:05:20,830 ♪ When she looks at me ♪ 124 00:05:20,917 --> 00:05:22,747 ♪ She's my mother ♪ 125 00:05:22,834 --> 00:05:24,834 ♪ Somewhere or other ♪ 126 00:05:24,917 --> 00:05:28,497 ♪ She is watching and waiting And wondering ♪ 127 00:05:28,583 --> 00:05:32,003 ♪ If her baby Might just maybe ♪ 128 00:05:32,083 --> 00:05:35,383 ♪ Be wondering Where she is, too ♪ 129 00:05:35,458 --> 00:05:37,378 ♪ Oh, Mommy, each time ♪ 130 00:05:37,458 --> 00:05:42,958 ♪ You hear some pup say "Ow-wooo" ♪ 131 00:05:43,041 --> 00:05:44,751 ♪ Remember ♪ 132 00:05:44,834 --> 00:05:48,084 ♪ Your Spotty loves ♪ 133 00:05:48,166 --> 00:05:54,076 ♪ You-ooo ♪ 134 00:05:58,041 --> 00:06:00,461 Well, I guess if a dog can go to school, 135 00:06:00,542 --> 00:06:01,882 shouldn't be surprised you can sing. 136 00:06:01,959 --> 00:06:03,379 And beautifully. 137 00:06:03,458 --> 00:06:04,538 [Leslie] Hi, guys. 138 00:06:07,041 --> 00:06:08,961 Oh, Leslie, hi. 139 00:06:09,041 --> 00:06:12,001 We were just, you know, hanging out, 140 00:06:12,083 --> 00:06:13,383 not singing. 141 00:06:13,458 --> 00:06:14,458 Whatever. 142 00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:16,502 Hey, Leonard, remember that time I brought your mom 143 00:06:16,583 --> 00:06:18,333 some fresh Granny Smith apples 144 00:06:18,417 --> 00:06:20,827 from my Granny Smith's Granny Smith apple farm? 145 00:06:20,917 --> 00:06:22,207 I guess. 146 00:06:22,291 --> 00:06:23,961 Well, make sure your mom remembers it 147 00:06:24,041 --> 00:06:25,881 before my parent-teacher conference tomorrow. 148 00:06:25,959 --> 00:06:27,749 Bring it up at dinner, but make it sound casual. 149 00:06:27,834 --> 00:06:29,134 Got it? 150 00:06:29,208 --> 00:06:31,378 Sure, Leslie. 151 00:06:31,458 --> 00:06:33,668 Great, thanks. Bye. 152 00:06:35,417 --> 00:06:36,957 [voice cracks] Bye. 153 00:06:37,083 --> 00:06:39,673 Hey, wait a sec. Do that again. 154 00:06:39,750 --> 00:06:40,670 What? 155 00:06:40,750 --> 00:06:42,500 That high cracky-voice thing. 156 00:06:42,583 --> 00:06:45,083 You made yourself sound like a woman. 157 00:06:45,166 --> 00:06:48,416 -Did not! -Yeah, like that. It's perfect. 158 00:06:48,500 --> 00:06:51,330 [low voice] I don't know what you're talking about. 159 00:06:51,417 --> 00:06:52,707 With that voice, a wig, 160 00:06:52,792 --> 00:06:55,422 maybe a nice pair of 2-inch heels, 161 00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:56,710 you can play my mother tomorrow 162 00:06:56,792 --> 00:06:58,832 at the parent-teacher conference. 163 00:06:58,917 --> 00:07:02,077 Oh, no. No. No, no, no. 164 00:07:02,166 --> 00:07:03,416 No way. 165 00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:04,790 Please? 166 00:07:08,750 --> 00:07:10,580 I am not doing this. 167 00:07:10,667 --> 00:07:12,707 Hmm. Dilemma. 168 00:07:12,792 --> 00:07:14,882 Scott should have a fashionable mother, 169 00:07:14,959 --> 00:07:18,329 someone who's not afraid to show a little leg, 170 00:07:18,417 --> 00:07:20,707 but would her knees be this scabby? 171 00:07:20,792 --> 00:07:24,382 I guess we'll have to go with the less stylish 172 00:07:24,458 --> 00:07:26,878 mid-calf length to hide the scabs. 173 00:07:26,959 --> 00:07:29,629 We'll just draw the eye away from the problem area 174 00:07:29,709 --> 00:07:31,669 with a bold scarf statement. 175 00:07:31,750 --> 00:07:33,040 Pretty Boy, be a dear 176 00:07:33,125 --> 00:07:35,625 and fly me over that polka-dot number. 177 00:07:35,709 --> 00:07:38,079 -This is sick. -Yeah, I keep telling him. 178 00:07:38,166 --> 00:07:40,916 Boys are not meant to play their dog's mother. 179 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,170 I'm talking about a polka-dot scarf 180 00:07:42,250 --> 00:07:43,380 with a floral dress. 181 00:07:43,458 --> 00:07:44,958 I'm wretching here from the clash already. 182 00:07:45,041 --> 00:07:48,171 Phbt. Since when are you Mr. Fashion? 183 00:07:48,250 --> 00:07:50,250 Since they started papering my cage 184 00:07:50,333 --> 00:07:53,423 with the style section, smart guy. 185 00:07:55,500 --> 00:07:56,500 Yech. 186 00:07:56,583 --> 00:07:57,883 I personally think 187 00:07:57,959 --> 00:08:00,629 it's très more chic than lime-green feathers 188 00:08:00,709 --> 00:08:02,209 with an orange beak. 189 00:08:02,291 --> 00:08:05,291 Hey, I was born this way. My father's from Jersey! 190 00:08:05,375 --> 00:08:08,245 Please, please! Don't fight, guys. 191 00:08:08,333 --> 00:08:11,923 Pretty Boy, if it helps, you pick the scarf. 192 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,420 If it were me, I'd skip the scarf altogether. 193 00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:16,040 He's got a lovely neck. 194 00:08:16,125 --> 00:08:18,245 Maybe just a simple strand of pearls. 195 00:08:18,333 --> 00:08:20,463 La-la-la-la-la! I don't hear you. 196 00:08:20,542 --> 00:08:23,672 I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this! 197 00:08:23,750 --> 00:08:25,790 I can't believe I'm doing this. 198 00:08:25,875 --> 00:08:27,455 Aah! 199 00:08:54,625 --> 00:08:55,625 Phbt. 200 00:09:00,583 --> 00:09:01,583 What are you doing here? 201 00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:04,037 What am I doing here? What are you doing here? 202 00:09:04,125 --> 00:09:06,625 The last thing I recall you saying was, 203 00:09:06,709 --> 00:09:10,959 "la-la-la-la-la! I don't hear you! I'm not doing this!" 204 00:09:11,041 --> 00:09:13,541 It's a woman's prerogative to change his mind. 205 00:09:13,625 --> 00:09:15,495 Besides, you're my best friend. 206 00:09:15,583 --> 00:09:17,883 I got to help you no matter what. 207 00:09:17,959 --> 00:09:20,499 Oh, Leonard, that is so... 208 00:09:20,917 --> 00:09:22,627 Ball! 209 00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:27,630 Ptui! 210 00:09:27,709 --> 00:09:31,459 I can't believe you used one of my toys. 211 00:09:31,542 --> 00:09:33,542 What the devil is going on here? 212 00:09:42,333 --> 00:09:44,463 Leonard Helperman, why are you wearing a dress? 213 00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:45,422 [shuddering] 214 00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:48,040 [southern accent] Why, sir, 215 00:09:48,125 --> 00:09:49,415 the young man was just telling me 216 00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:52,000 about the marvelous research paper he's doing 217 00:09:52,083 --> 00:09:54,003 on gender roles in our society. 218 00:09:54,083 --> 00:09:56,673 He's quite a credit to this school. 219 00:09:56,750 --> 00:09:59,630 Oh, yes, yes. Yes, he is. 220 00:09:59,709 --> 00:10:01,249 Beat it, Leonard. 221 00:10:01,333 --> 00:10:04,543 I don't believe we've met. 222 00:10:04,625 --> 00:10:06,325 [growls] 223 00:10:06,417 --> 00:10:07,707 [gasps] 224 00:10:07,792 --> 00:10:11,382 Don't mind her. Tallulah gets insanely jealous 225 00:10:11,458 --> 00:10:14,788 if I even look at a beautiful woman. 226 00:10:14,875 --> 00:10:17,495 We don't want to give your poor dear pussycat 227 00:10:17,583 --> 00:10:19,133 the vapors, do we? 228 00:10:19,208 --> 00:10:21,078 So I'll just be toddling off 229 00:10:21,166 --> 00:10:23,826 to my parent-teacher conference. Toodle-oo. 230 00:10:31,667 --> 00:10:34,287 Tallulah, calm down, honey. 231 00:10:34,375 --> 00:10:37,075 It's just a woman. 232 00:10:37,166 --> 00:10:39,326 A beautiful woman. 233 00:10:39,417 --> 00:10:41,497 It's not like I was paying attention 234 00:10:41,583 --> 00:10:43,633 to a dog or anything. 235 00:10:43,709 --> 00:10:46,329 He bought it. That was genius! 236 00:10:46,417 --> 00:10:48,127 Pure genius. 237 00:10:48,208 --> 00:10:51,748 Yeah, well, Principal Strickler's a pushover 238 00:10:51,834 --> 00:10:54,334 for a gorgeous woman like me. 239 00:10:54,417 --> 00:10:57,497 Your mom might not be quite so easy. 240 00:10:59,875 --> 00:11:01,995 You're such a super woman, Mrs. Leadready, 241 00:11:02,083 --> 00:11:03,793 to raise a super son like Scott 242 00:11:03,875 --> 00:11:05,125 without his dad around. 243 00:11:05,208 --> 00:11:08,078 Well, but no less super a woman than you are 244 00:11:08,166 --> 00:11:10,456 to raise a super son like Leonard. 245 00:11:10,542 --> 00:11:12,672 Well, aren't we two just super? 246 00:11:12,750 --> 00:11:14,080 Dee-duper. 247 00:11:14,166 --> 00:11:17,076 [both laughing] 248 00:11:17,166 --> 00:11:19,746 I hope you'll excuse me for staring at your dress 249 00:11:19,834 --> 00:11:21,634 all the way through our conference. 250 00:11:21,709 --> 00:11:23,879 I used to have one exactly like it. 251 00:11:23,959 --> 00:11:25,209 Oh, really? 252 00:11:25,291 --> 00:11:28,671 Well, I guess they must have sold a lot that year. 253 00:11:28,750 --> 00:11:31,540 I finally had to put mine out in the rack bin 254 00:11:31,625 --> 00:11:34,285 because it had a huge hole in the back. 255 00:11:34,375 --> 00:11:38,205 Well, you certainly can't go walking around 256 00:11:38,291 --> 00:11:41,421 with a huge hole, now can you? 257 00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:43,540 Huge hole, mnh-mnh. 258 00:11:43,625 --> 00:11:46,415 That reminds me, I promised a dear, dear friend 259 00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:50,170 I'd pop by and view her slides of the Grand Canyon. 260 00:11:50,250 --> 00:11:52,540 Fiddle-Dee-Dee. Must trot. 261 00:11:52,625 --> 00:11:54,495 Wait. I feel like we've just begun to bond. 262 00:11:54,583 --> 00:11:56,003 Ooh, light bulb. 263 00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:59,673 Since our boys get along so well 264 00:11:59,750 --> 00:12:01,880 and you and I have the same taste in dresses, 265 00:12:01,959 --> 00:12:03,209 why don't Leonard and I have you and Scott 266 00:12:03,291 --> 00:12:05,501 over to our house for dinner tonight? 267 00:12:05,583 --> 00:12:08,463 Oh, no, we couldn't possibly impose like that. 268 00:12:08,542 --> 00:12:10,462 I make a pot roast so tender, 269 00:12:10,542 --> 00:12:12,422 it falls right off the bone. 270 00:12:12,500 --> 00:12:13,920 [deep voice] What time-- 271 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,500 [female voice] Time should we be there? 272 00:12:15,959 --> 00:12:17,879 I can't believe you told my mom 273 00:12:17,959 --> 00:12:20,879 that you and your mom would come over for dinner. 274 00:12:20,959 --> 00:12:23,879 Pot roast, Leonard. She said pot roast. 275 00:12:23,959 --> 00:12:26,289 I just crumbled. Don't you see? 276 00:12:26,375 --> 00:12:28,575 I love pot roast, and all I ever get 277 00:12:28,667 --> 00:12:31,537 is gristle and shreds in a bowl of warm water. 278 00:12:31,625 --> 00:12:34,035 I mean, I love gristle, don't get me wrong, 279 00:12:34,125 --> 00:12:37,125 but to get my own whole plate of pot roast 280 00:12:37,208 --> 00:12:39,128 served up hot at the table, 281 00:12:39,208 --> 00:12:42,128 and plus, I'm going to be Scott and Mrs. Leadready, 282 00:12:42,208 --> 00:12:45,788 so I'll get two whole plates full of-- 283 00:12:45,875 --> 00:12:47,285 uh-oh. 284 00:12:47,375 --> 00:12:48,625 Wait a minute. 285 00:12:48,709 --> 00:12:51,459 I have to be Scott and Mrs. Leadready. 286 00:12:51,542 --> 00:12:54,752 I was wondering when you were going to figure that out. 287 00:12:54,834 --> 00:12:57,084 Now would be when I figured that out. 288 00:12:57,166 --> 00:12:59,746 Okay, okay, we can do this. Don't panic. 289 00:12:59,834 --> 00:13:02,834 I don't have to be two different people. 290 00:13:02,917 --> 00:13:05,577 Oh, curse you, pot roast! 291 00:13:05,667 --> 00:13:08,577 You savory, moist temptress. 292 00:13:08,667 --> 00:13:12,247 I suppose you're wondering why I've called you all here. 293 00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:14,503 'Cause you like wearing a dress? 294 00:13:14,583 --> 00:13:16,713 Okay, meeting adjourned. Thanks for sharing. 295 00:13:16,792 --> 00:13:19,832 I left a nap for this? 296 00:13:19,917 --> 00:13:22,247 If I'm going to pull off this tour de force 297 00:13:22,333 --> 00:13:24,253 triple-identity performance 298 00:13:24,333 --> 00:13:28,133 of simultaneously portraying Scott's mother, Scott, 299 00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:31,418 and my own dog self, I'm going to need some help. 300 00:13:31,500 --> 00:13:33,170 What's it worth to you? 301 00:13:33,250 --> 00:13:35,750 I'm asking for your help. 302 00:13:35,834 --> 00:13:37,384 Right, it means you're desperate. 303 00:13:37,458 --> 00:13:39,378 When I smell desperation, I say, 304 00:13:39,458 --> 00:13:42,328 "hey, what's in it for the canary, baby?" 305 00:13:42,417 --> 00:13:44,457 He's an excellent business man. 306 00:13:44,542 --> 00:13:46,712 I'm giving him power of attorney to represent me as well. 307 00:13:46,792 --> 00:13:48,792 And you call yourselves pets. 308 00:13:48,875 --> 00:13:50,665 Pet, schmet. What do you got? 309 00:13:50,750 --> 00:13:52,750 I want a bowl full of sunflower seeds, 310 00:13:52,834 --> 00:13:55,544 cracked, no shells, and pages 311 00:13:55,625 --> 00:13:58,245 from the teeny-weeny bikini issue of Sporterrific 312 00:13:58,333 --> 00:13:59,293 lining my cage for the next month. 313 00:13:59,375 --> 00:14:00,625 My needs are simple. 314 00:14:00,709 --> 00:14:03,629 I'd like the juice from a dozen cans of tuna 315 00:14:03,709 --> 00:14:07,249 warmed to 6 degrees above room temperature 316 00:14:07,333 --> 00:14:08,753 and served in a silver chalice 317 00:14:08,834 --> 00:14:10,834 upon a satin pillow. 318 00:14:10,917 --> 00:14:12,877 Ah, for crying out loud. 319 00:14:12,959 --> 00:14:14,579 All right, just the tuna. 320 00:14:14,667 --> 00:14:15,827 It's all I really wanted. 321 00:14:15,917 --> 00:14:18,287 The rest was just a negotiating ploy. 322 00:14:18,375 --> 00:14:20,375 Deal. Deal! Ingrates. 323 00:14:20,458 --> 00:14:22,958 Okay, now here's what I want you two to do. 324 00:14:28,458 --> 00:14:29,708 Okay, on "action." 325 00:14:29,792 --> 00:14:33,382 And... action. 326 00:14:38,333 --> 00:14:39,833 I said action! 327 00:14:39,917 --> 00:14:43,207 Am I not to be groomed for my role? 328 00:14:43,291 --> 00:14:45,041 Get out there. 329 00:14:45,125 --> 00:14:47,415 I didn't hear "action." 330 00:14:47,500 --> 00:14:49,210 Action. 331 00:14:50,333 --> 00:14:52,543 [coughs, screeches] 332 00:14:54,542 --> 00:14:57,922 [Spot barking] 333 00:14:58,709 --> 00:15:00,079 Boys, boys, behave yourselves. 334 00:15:00,166 --> 00:15:03,166 We're expecting guests. 335 00:15:03,250 --> 00:15:05,250 All right, that's it. 336 00:15:05,333 --> 00:15:07,133 If you two can't get along, 337 00:15:07,208 --> 00:15:10,248 one of you is going to have to go outside. 338 00:15:17,959 --> 00:15:21,999 And now I return to the role I was born to play, 339 00:15:22,083 --> 00:15:24,383 the cat slumbering in the window. 340 00:15:24,458 --> 00:15:25,788 [snoring] 341 00:15:43,166 --> 00:15:44,376 [doorbell rings] 342 00:15:46,083 --> 00:15:47,463 What took you so long? 343 00:15:47,542 --> 00:15:49,632 You try pulling a zipper up your back 344 00:15:49,709 --> 00:15:51,379 with a pair of paws. 345 00:15:53,875 --> 00:15:55,245 Mrs. Leadready, 346 00:15:55,375 --> 00:15:56,705 please, come in. 347 00:15:56,792 --> 00:15:58,712 I've got bacon and liver wraps 348 00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,542 fresh from the oven. Yum. 349 00:16:02,291 --> 00:16:04,921 Well, that makes the whole trip worthwhile. 350 00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:06,830 I'll take six. 351 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,710 Where's Scott? 352 00:16:09,792 --> 00:16:12,542 Well, my heavens, he was right on my tail, 353 00:16:12,625 --> 00:16:14,325 that little rascal. 354 00:16:14,417 --> 00:16:17,537 Let me see if he's lollygagging in the car. 355 00:16:17,625 --> 00:16:19,415 Ooh, may I? 356 00:16:25,583 --> 00:16:28,133 -Hi, Leonard. -Hi, Mrs. H. 357 00:16:28,208 --> 00:16:30,288 Ooh, where's my mom? 358 00:16:30,417 --> 00:16:32,747 She just went out looking for you, dear. 359 00:16:32,834 --> 00:16:34,044 Psst, pearls. 360 00:16:36,250 --> 00:16:38,330 Ooh, bacon and liver wraps. I'll take some of those. 361 00:16:38,417 --> 00:16:40,327 As soon as your mom comes in, 362 00:16:40,417 --> 00:16:42,497 we'll all be sitting down for dinner. 363 00:16:42,583 --> 00:16:45,383 Um, excuse me. 364 00:16:45,875 --> 00:16:47,325 Uhh! Now! 365 00:16:47,458 --> 00:16:50,128 [imitating Mrs. Leadready] Y'all just g'won 366 00:16:50,208 --> 00:16:51,668 and sit down without me. 367 00:16:51,750 --> 00:16:54,080 I'm presently indisposed. 368 00:16:54,166 --> 00:16:55,536 "G'won"? 369 00:16:55,625 --> 00:16:58,205 I've never been south of Al's Pet Shop. 370 00:16:58,291 --> 00:17:02,251 Oh, um, well, uh, I suppose we can sit down. 371 00:17:05,291 --> 00:17:07,961 So far, so good. 372 00:17:08,041 --> 00:17:09,501 [barking] 373 00:17:09,583 --> 00:17:11,083 You can let Spot in. 374 00:17:11,166 --> 00:17:14,166 [howling] 375 00:17:14,291 --> 00:17:15,921 [barking] 376 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,750 Ha ha ha ha. 377 00:17:17,834 --> 00:17:20,214 I love to watch the monkeys dance. 378 00:17:20,291 --> 00:17:22,081 Um, okay, Mom. 379 00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:23,876 No problem. 380 00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:26,879 Me and Scott will just go right out there 381 00:17:26,959 --> 00:17:28,999 and let Spot in. 382 00:17:29,083 --> 00:17:32,383 [barking] 383 00:17:32,458 --> 00:17:33,998 [panting] 384 00:17:34,083 --> 00:17:35,673 [barking] 385 00:17:35,750 --> 00:17:37,250 Where's Scott, Leonard? 386 00:17:37,333 --> 00:17:40,753 Don't you want to introduce your friend to your dog? 387 00:17:40,834 --> 00:17:45,004 Oh, I'm right in here, Mrs. Helperman. 388 00:17:45,083 --> 00:17:46,793 [barks] 389 00:17:46,875 --> 00:17:48,875 Oh, yes, you're a cute fella. 390 00:17:48,959 --> 00:17:50,249 [barks, pants] 391 00:17:50,333 --> 00:17:53,673 Yes. Yes, you sure are. 392 00:17:53,750 --> 00:17:55,080 [barks, howls] 393 00:17:55,166 --> 00:17:57,246 [Mrs. Helperman] Where's Mrs. Leadready? 394 00:17:57,333 --> 00:18:01,043 She's been in that powder room an awfully long time. 395 00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:07,995 I'll be there in a jiff, dearie pies. 396 00:18:08,083 --> 00:18:10,133 Now where did Spot and Scott go? 397 00:18:10,208 --> 00:18:13,748 Be right there, Mrs. Helperman. 398 00:18:16,750 --> 00:18:18,290 Get away from me, you filthy canine. 399 00:18:18,375 --> 00:18:20,285 I detest dogs. 400 00:18:20,375 --> 00:18:21,915 Principal Strickler? 401 00:18:22,583 --> 00:18:25,463 I just thought this might be a fine evening 402 00:18:25,542 --> 00:18:28,002 for us to review the fourth grade curriculum. 403 00:18:28,083 --> 00:18:30,003 Well, this isn't really a good time. 404 00:18:30,083 --> 00:18:33,043 We're having the Leadreadys over for dinner. 405 00:18:33,125 --> 00:18:35,125 Mrs. Leadready is here? 406 00:18:35,208 --> 00:18:38,828 I had no idea. 407 00:18:38,959 --> 00:18:40,459 Gosh, I hope she likes poinsettias. 408 00:18:40,542 --> 00:18:41,962 [sniffs] 409 00:18:42,125 --> 00:18:45,955 Mmm, is that pot roast I smell? 410 00:18:46,041 --> 00:18:46,961 My favorite. 411 00:18:47,041 --> 00:18:48,541 Oh, well, um, ha ha, 412 00:18:48,625 --> 00:18:51,745 I suppose there's always room for one more. 413 00:18:51,834 --> 00:18:54,384 Well, if you haven't got an extra chair, 414 00:18:54,458 --> 00:18:58,168 Mrs. Leadready can always share with me. 415 00:18:58,792 --> 00:19:01,382 I have an extra chair. 416 00:19:01,458 --> 00:19:04,038 Leonard, please call everybody in. 417 00:19:04,125 --> 00:19:07,915 Sure, I'll get him-- her-- him-- them. 418 00:19:09,083 --> 00:19:11,173 No, that's not right... 419 00:19:11,250 --> 00:19:12,290 I wear the heels with the hair 420 00:19:12,375 --> 00:19:13,575 and the sneakers with the shorts. 421 00:19:13,667 --> 00:19:14,957 Or is it the sneakers with heels 422 00:19:15,041 --> 00:19:16,961 and the hair with the shorts? 423 00:19:17,041 --> 00:19:19,581 Oh, Leonard, I don't know what to do. 424 00:19:19,667 --> 00:19:22,827 I think I bit off more than I could chew. 425 00:19:22,917 --> 00:19:24,417 Yeah, playing three different personalities 426 00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:26,500 is kind of a lot. 427 00:19:26,583 --> 00:19:29,713 Not the personalities. The bacon-liver wraps. 428 00:19:29,792 --> 00:19:31,712 I should have stopped at six. 429 00:19:31,792 --> 00:19:32,882 [burps] 430 00:19:32,959 --> 00:19:36,749 Uh-oh, now the kitchen's starting to spin. 431 00:19:37,458 --> 00:19:39,998 I want my mommy! 432 00:19:44,542 --> 00:19:46,212 Honey, where are the Leadreadys? 433 00:19:46,291 --> 00:19:47,751 Oh, uh, hi, Mom. 434 00:19:47,834 --> 00:19:50,384 Um, they weren't feeling so good, 435 00:19:50,458 --> 00:19:51,748 so they, uh, went home. 436 00:19:51,834 --> 00:19:53,714 Must have been all those bacon-liver wraps. 437 00:19:53,792 --> 00:19:56,382 Uh, she said she'll, uh, call you later... 438 00:19:56,458 --> 00:19:57,788 Or next month 439 00:19:57,875 --> 00:20:00,165 or whenever they're feeling better. 440 00:20:00,250 --> 00:20:02,290 Oh, well. 441 00:20:02,375 --> 00:20:04,495 That's a crying shame. 442 00:20:04,583 --> 00:20:06,543 Oh, well. More for us! 443 00:20:06,625 --> 00:20:07,915 Ha ha ha! 444 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:11,080 Mmm, just like I like it-- 445 00:20:11,166 --> 00:20:14,576 falling off the bone. 446 00:20:14,667 --> 00:20:16,497 [stomach growls] 447 00:20:16,583 --> 00:20:18,503 Oh, no, Spot, my poor puppy. 448 00:20:18,583 --> 00:20:20,753 You're not feeling well either? 449 00:20:20,875 --> 00:20:23,245 [Spot whimpering] 450 00:20:23,333 --> 00:20:25,633 Oh, that's okay, baby. I'm here. 451 00:20:25,709 --> 00:20:27,669 Mommy will take care of you. 452 00:20:27,750 --> 00:20:29,630 [humming lullaby] 453 00:20:33,291 --> 00:20:35,211 Hey, how do you know that song? 454 00:20:35,291 --> 00:20:38,001 Hmm. I'm not sure. 455 00:20:38,083 --> 00:20:40,963 I don't remember ever learning it, 456 00:20:41,041 --> 00:20:43,081 but every mom I've ever met has known it. 457 00:20:43,166 --> 00:20:46,416 [humming ] 458 00:20:48,625 --> 00:20:50,625 ♪ She's my mother ♪ 459 00:20:50,709 --> 00:20:52,629 ♪ I've found another ♪ 460 00:20:52,709 --> 00:20:56,999 ♪ Even though her sweet nose Isn't cold, wet, and black ♪ 461 00:20:57,083 --> 00:20:59,083 ♪ I'm her baby ♪ 462 00:20:59,166 --> 00:21:01,626 ♪ there's no maybe ♪ 463 00:21:01,709 --> 00:21:06,039 ♪ Oh, mommy, Your Spotty loves you ♪ 464 00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:16,880 Good night, boys. 465 00:21:17,750 --> 00:21:20,670 Well, she may not have a tail or whiskers, 466 00:21:20,750 --> 00:21:23,460 but I guess in all the ways that count, 467 00:21:23,542 --> 00:21:25,132 your mom is my mom, too. 468 00:21:25,208 --> 00:21:27,628 Yeah, I guess she really is. 469 00:21:27,709 --> 00:21:30,209 Boy, it's great to have a mom. 470 00:21:30,291 --> 00:21:32,631 It's pretty great having a brother, too-- 471 00:21:32,709 --> 00:21:35,629 someone who likes me and wants to be with me 472 00:21:35,709 --> 00:21:38,789 and trades with me so I can sleep 473 00:21:38,875 --> 00:21:40,075 in the top bunk once in a while. 474 00:21:40,166 --> 00:21:41,786 Good night, Spot. 475 00:21:41,875 --> 00:21:43,165 Good night, Leonard. 476 00:21:44,875 --> 00:21:46,285 Oh, all right. 477 00:21:48,333 --> 00:21:49,253 [squeak] 478 00:21:49,333 --> 00:21:51,463 -Ew! -What? 479 00:21:51,542 --> 00:21:53,502 I just laid on a chew toy.