Of the leash
-
living a dog's life
the bell for school
-
For a pair of pants
His favorite pastime
For the last time
-
regular Einstein
treading a fine line
Why can't I be a normal kid like any other?
Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.
I hate dogs.
I do not wish to be a dog.
ready for trousers
is gonna be a boy
Yes!
And that, class, is how our school's namesake's master,
Franklin D. Roosevelt, got this swelleriffic country of ours
through the great depression--
with a can-do attitude, a big, bright smile,
and his famous pronouncement--
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
Ha. In regard to public speaking, he also said,
"Be sincere, be brief, be seated."
Ha ha ha.
Snack break! Ha ha!
Snack sensibly, now,
and come back with those chipper cheeks all rosy posy.
Coming, Leonard?
I'm gonna stay here. You go.
You're skipping snack break?
Snack break-- the brief antemeridian respite
wherein we knit up the raveled sleeve of the morning's care,
filled with the happy sounds of children at play,
giggling girls comparing notes on schoolyard crushes?
Of course there's also the fear of physical torment
by alpha-male wannabes,
but still, all in all snack break is good fun!
For you maybe.
For me it's just another chance for Leslie to ignore me.
Well, you're certainly not gonna get her to sit up
and take notice by cowering behind your desk.
Come on, bunkie.
Today we put the lessons of Franklin D. Roosevelt
into practice.
Today you'll not fear your fear, but face it head-on.
You will not allow Leslie to ignore you.
You will engage her, charm her,
tell her of the depths of your passion for her.
I can't do that! What if she rejects me?
She probably will, but it'll be good for you.
Trust me.
Hmm. Speed bump on the road to Leslieville.
Where is everyone?
Could be a mass alien abduction.
We'd be safer inside.
Snacks half-uneaten, juice-box foil seals poked open,
but the juice left unswilled.
Must be something big going on.
Together: Hello?
Shh! Quiet! Get in here!
Close the door. Close the door!
Well, well, well.
What playground ritual have we stumbled upon here?
Truth or dare. Wanna play?
Nah. I'll just meet you guys back in the classroom.
Nothing breeds intimacy like sharing secrets, Len.
This is a golden-- nay, a platinum opportunity
to forge an unbreakable bond with Leslie.
Don't pass it up.
All right. All right. We'll play.
Leonard will play. I'm gonna sit out.
What?!
Some "tails" are best left untold,
if you get my drift.
So here's how it works--
we ask you truth or dare. If you pick truth,
then we ask you a question and you have to tell the truth.
If you pick dare,
we dare you to do one thing and you have to do it.
Ooh! Ooh! I'll do it!
Give me another dare! Oh, no, no, no.
I got one. Ian.
Yes?
Eat a frog leg and jelly sandwich.
Oh, okay.
Eww!
It's not even your turn, "Eeuw-an."
Truth or dare, Leonard.
I guess I'll take a truth.
Attaboy, Leonard. No fear.
Let's see... something simple, but scary.
Just kibitzing, mind you, but might I suggest
"who's your favorite girl in the class?"
Scott!
Oh, good one.
Ooh!
Oh, that's perfect.
Who's your favorite girl in the class?
Well, Leonard? Who is it?
I-i-i-i-i-i--
I'm saved!
Saved by the bell.
You're only saved till tomorrow at first recess.
We'll expect your answer then.
Yeah, your honest answer.
Perfect. That gives you nearly 24 hours of fear-facing,
character-building misery to endure.
This is gonna be very, very good for you, Leonard.
I don't see how any of this is good for me.
It's simple, Lenny.
Facing our fears, whatever they may be, is one of the processes
by which we grow into well-balanced adults.
Good morning, Principal Strickler.
Wasn't it Solon of Athens who said
"each day grow older and learn something new"?
Whatever.
Well, what demons plague our glorious leader today?
Here she comes, Tallulah.
Quickly, hide my male-pattern baldness.
Good morning, Miss Sproutwell.
Good morning.
I wonder if you'd care to--
Tallulah, is it possible that my thinning hair
has made me unattractive to women of the opposite sex?
Clearly some adults have conquered their fears
more thoroughly than others.
Yes, Spot, I think Leonard's home.
Loyal dog welcomes young master home from school.
Oh, how I cherish the daily charade!
Mom! Package!
The sturdiness of which
is exceeded only by the folly of its placement.
Ah. Home sweet home--
where nobody ever has to face their fears.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boyareenie!
Special delivery for Mr. Jolly!
A package for me?
Is it my birthday or is this just one of those
random, senseless acts of beauty?
Your entire existence is a random, senseless act,
and it ain't beautiful.
Ta-da! Ha ha ha!
It's the super-duper, no need for a scooper,
automated, self-cleaning kitty box.
It has a paw-pressure sensitive litter separator,
instant aromatherapy air freshener,
and a digitized voice-alert system.
Isn't it fabulicious?
Well, I-I bet you'd like a little privacy.
All righty-dighty. Have fun.
Boy, this baby's loaded.
Don't you want to take it for a quick whiz around the block?
I fear change.
What?! Come on! This thing cost a fortune.
You can't just stand there staring at it
and shaking like a leaf.
You gotta face your fears!
You talkin' to me?
Why did you say that? I don't want to face my fears.
Can't everyone just leave me alone?
Whacked! I tell you--
this whole meshugeneh family is whacked.
Isn't that new litter box just wonderful?
It smells just minty fresh--
almost like it had never been used.
Would you stop being such a schmegeggy?
You gotta start thinking inside the box.
I-- that is-- say, you know,
I never got to say goodbye to my old box.
I mean, after all we went through together,
it just doesn't seem right, does it?
Old box, where are you?
If you don't use that box, i'm gonna lose all respect for you.
Don't say that!
Your respect is all I have.
Then into the box you go.
Okay. Here I go.
Um, no, maybe-- no, I should.
No.
The cat has entered the box!
Yaahhh!
Have you ever seen anything like that?
He's one big, sopping-wet fur ball of fear.
Then it's up to you, his fine feathered friend,
to help him meet his terror head-on,
as I have done with my good friend Leonard.
Can we talk about that?
I've got about 12 hours before my life is ruined--
Would you wait a minute, Leonard?
What I'm saying is,
you've really gotta be there for your friends when they need you.
Well, I don't usually take on projects
involving cat psychology,
but hardware like that shouldn't go to waste.
All right. I'll do it.
Thataboy.
Now, then, onto helping my friend.
Leonard, I suggest you face your fear
of Leslie's rejection rationally
by examining your options
and projecting all the possible outcomes.
Well, I really only have two choices.
Option one-- tell the honest truth.
Hmm. Let's play out that scenario.
My favorite girl in the class,
in fact, in the whole world, is Leslie.
Heh heh heh! Ha ha ha ha!
A-ha ha ha ha ha!
I think I'll skip option one.
Option two-- I could lie and say I like someone else.
My favorite girl in the class is...
Younghee.
Oh, Leonard!
Younghee? Oh, Leonard, how could you?
I love you. I've always loved you.
What? Really?
Hey, let go!
Oh, to think of the life we could have had together,
you and I...
But now, that will never be.
I never want to see you again, Leonard Helperman.
Now that I know about you and Younghee,
it would be just... too... painful.
Leslie, no! Wait!
Those are my options--
rejected by the entire universe or married to Younghee?
This is all your fault!
You're right, Leonard.
I got you into this. I can get you out of it.
I've got a plan for you to win the game
without having to answer the gossipy questions
of the fourth-grade scandalmongers.
You'll just have to face a different kind of fear.
My answer is-- my answer is--
go ahead, Leonard.
That I like-- I like-- I'd like to take a dare instead.
-No way! -No way!
-That is so illegal. -What? No way!
What's the matter with you?
Forget it.
Unless it's a really hard dare.
Ooh! Ooh! Like, Ian.
Yes?
Blow a double-sided earwax bubble.
Oh, okay.
Mr. Wazselewski.
Nice rug.
What? Oh, yes.
The new multimedia-room carpeting is quite attractive.
Oh, man.
Cleopatra may be the queen of de-nial,
But our principal is its king and emperor.
Ha ha ha ha! De-nial! You get it?
I crack myself up.
Did I hear you children participating
in the strictly forbidden game of "truth or dare"?
Forbidden?
Strictly!
It's rule number two in the big book of rules.
"No truth or dare,"
right after rule number one, "no dogs."
This game will cease and desist immediately.
Yes, sir!
Okay, Leonard, it's still your turn.
What? We can't keep playing.
Principal Strickler just said it's against the rules.
Yeah, well, judging by the way
he tries to hide his thinning hair,
strickler obviously doesn't understand that facing our fears
is, like, totally how we grow into well-balanced adults.
Right?
Couldn't have said it better myself.
We've got it!
We'll let you do a dare, Leonard.
We dare you to take Principal Strickler's toupee,
and then put it on top of the statue
in front of the school.
Oh, no!
Oh, you're gonna get in trouble.
You have 24 hours to do it, Leonard.
Great plan, Scott.
I've gone from being scared of rejection by Leslie
to fear of ejection from the whole school.
I know it sounds like dark times, Leonard,
but don't you worry. I've got a plan.
I was kind of afraid you were gonna say that.
No! No, no, no, no, no!
Niagara Falls-- you can almost feel the pounding pressure
of 600,000 gallons per second of watery flow.
No fear is worth enduring this level of internal torment.
No. No, I can't.
Despite the swelling feelings deep inside of me,
I just can't betray my old box.
It violates the sacred, age-old cat/litter box relationship.
Oh, for pity's sake.
Here, you big baby, I'll show you how it's done.
The cat has entered the box.
Waste material detected.
W-What are you doing?! I'm a living creature here!
Waste material being processed.
Waste material eliminated.
You realize, of course, this means war!
You've got one hour.
Ask not for whom the lunch bell tolls.
It tolls for thee.
Come on, Lenny. We've got a job to do.
Oh, yes, Tallulah,
this is the day that the attractive new art specialist,
Miss Sproutwell, meets the new, hairier, more manly me.
Got it!
Helperman and Leadready?!
A model student like you in disciplinary hot water?
Strange times.
To my office, boys.
Great. We're busted.
Don't worry, bunkie, it plays right into our hands--
or paws, as the case may be.
Fishing for defenseless felines on school property?
Would you care to offer an explanation?
We only transgressed the law in order that we might
gain access to your inner sanctum, Principal Strickler.
We know what a stressful life you lead--
responsible for the molding of so many young minds.
It must be exhausting.
There's no denying this job has cost me
a healthy hair follicle or two.
And that is why we've brought you some warm milk and cookies.
Why, thank you.
And a nice, high-tryptophan Turkey sandwich.
Why not sit back, relax, and enjoy them
while we play some soothing music?
Leonard.
Mmm. Mmm.
That's right. Savor that warm milk.
Let the tension flow from your body.
Thank you, Leadready. That's really very thoughtful.
I--
Wow. It worked. Quick! Get the toupee!
Why don't you get it?
Uh, no opposable thumbs.
Is it just me,
or does that only slow you down when it's convenient?
Hurry, Leonard!
Unbelievable. They got it!
Yeah, but they still have to put it on the statue.
And they're almost out of time.
My scalp enhancer-- gone!
I've been hoodwinked!
Give me a boost!
-Ahh! -Ahh!
No!
We fail?
Give me that!
I am gonna throw the book at you for this one,
Helperman-- a very large, very heavy book.
Oh, good day, Miss Sproutwell.
Hello.
I mean, good day, Principal Strickler!
Have you done something with your hair?
Why, I-- yes, it's-- behind my back.
Well, I say leave it there, my little lotus flower.
Lotus flower?
Oh, I love it when you talk new-agey.
And I love the-- the gleaming, piercing honesty
of your baldness, the unabashed manliness of it,
refusing to succumb to the cowardly, comb over,
rug-wearing vanity of the world.
Would you like to see my layered-crayon etchings?
It would be my great pleasure.
Thanks, Helperman.
I've always been terrified of facing my thinning hair,
but now, thanks to you, I love it.
Well, that worked out splendidly.
We're off the hook with Strickler.
But not with us. Your dare failed.
Next recess, you face the truth.
All right, Leonard.
Who is your favorite girl in the class?
And this is your final answer.
We're back where we started-- just you and your fear--
face to face, tête-à tête, mano a mano.
Fine, you win.
My favorite girl in the class is... Leslie.
Well, duh!
Tell us something we don't know.
Yeah, everyone knows that.
-They do? -Well, sure.
Just like everyone knows who my favorite boy in the class is.
Okay, my turn! I'll take a dare!
Ooh, I got one! Ian.
Yes?
Drink an entire chocolate milk from your belly button.
Oh, okay.
Come on, Leonard. We're done here.
Ew!
I can't believe it.
I told Leslie that I like her,
and I actually feel better about it.
Hello! Did I not foretell this?
You faced your fear and gained a little maturity
even though Leslie rejected you.
What do you mean? Leslie didn't reject me.
She said everyone knows who her favorite boy was.
That had to be me.
Oh, I beg to differ.
She was obviously referring to me.
Sorry. Me.
Unh-unh. Me.
Nope. Me.
Me, me, me. Is that all you ever think of?
Of a gentle shower
Of a river's power
Of the babbling brook
You schloompy, schmucky schnook
You should try it, Mr. Jolly.
I faced my fear and it worked out fine.
Oh, all right! All right, already.
I submit, I submit.
The cat has entered the box.
I-- ooh.
Why, it's not so bad the second time around.
Did you hear that? I did it!
The cat has utilized the box.
In fact, I find the voice rather soothing.
The cat has left the box.
Ha ha! Hear how it calls me "the cat"?
You only ever call me by those yiddish names
I don't understand.
I think I have a new best friend.
What?! What kind of gratitude is that?
Fine. This is what I think of your new best friend.
Okay, so I fear expressions of intimacy.
What are you staring at?!