1 00:00:00,333 --> 00:00:01,463 Of the leash 2 00:00:01,542 --> 00:00:04,082 - 3 00:00:08,417 --> 00:00:10,127 - 4 00:00:10,208 --> 00:00:11,828 For a pair of pants 5 00:00:11,917 --> 00:00:14,207 His favorite pastime 6 00:00:14,291 --> 00:00:16,581 For the last time 7 00:00:16,667 --> 00:00:18,287 - 8 00:00:28,500 --> 00:00:30,960 Why can't I be a normal kid like any other? 9 00:00:31,041 --> 00:00:33,131 Now, doodle bug, listen to mother. 10 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:36,920 I hate dogs. 11 00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,502 I do not wish to be a dog. 12 00:00:52,291 --> 00:00:54,131 Yes! 13 00:01:06,333 --> 00:01:07,333 Ow. 14 00:01:21,750 --> 00:01:23,380 Dear Leslie... 15 00:01:23,458 --> 00:01:26,128 From your secret admirer. 16 00:01:26,208 --> 00:01:29,168 Love, Leonard. 17 00:01:29,250 --> 00:01:31,130 Uh, Leonard? 18 00:01:31,208 --> 00:01:34,918 The rule is, secret valentines are supposed to be... secret. 19 00:01:36,375 --> 00:01:39,785 Perhaps if you sign it "Your secret admirer... not Leonard," 20 00:01:39,875 --> 00:01:41,035 it'll throw her off. 21 00:01:41,125 --> 00:01:42,785 This is hard. 22 00:01:42,875 --> 00:01:46,285 The eternal Valentine dilemma-- 23 00:01:46,375 --> 00:01:47,455 plant clues in case she likes you, 24 00:01:47,542 --> 00:01:49,542 but keep them vague enough for credible denial 25 00:01:49,625 --> 00:01:50,705 in case she doesn't. 26 00:01:50,792 --> 00:01:54,502 Such a slender tightrope St. Valentine has strung. 27 00:01:54,583 --> 00:01:55,633 Maybe I'll pretend to be sick tomorrow. 28 00:01:55,709 --> 00:01:58,959 What? And miss Valentine's Day at school-- are you kidding?! 29 00:01:59,041 --> 00:02:02,541 You and Tyler are gonna get all the girls' cards anyway. 30 00:02:02,625 --> 00:02:04,165 It's not a contest, Leonard. 31 00:02:04,250 --> 00:02:06,500 It doesn't matter how many you get. 32 00:02:06,583 --> 00:02:08,673 How many does Tyler usually get? 33 00:02:08,750 --> 00:02:10,830 You know, just out of curiosity. 34 00:02:10,917 --> 00:02:13,497 I'd be happy just to get one-- from anybody. 35 00:02:13,583 --> 00:02:16,583 Leonard Helperman not getting any valentines? 36 00:02:16,667 --> 00:02:17,577 Impossible! 37 00:02:17,667 --> 00:02:18,827 You're popular. 38 00:02:18,917 --> 00:02:21,457 Maybe not in the "I'm popular" sense, 39 00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:23,582 but in the sense that kids say, 40 00:02:23,667 --> 00:02:26,577 "Gee, Leonard's not the most popular, but we still like him." 41 00:02:29,083 --> 00:02:32,633 Eh...ooh, here's a road I wish I hadn't gone down. 42 00:02:40,834 --> 00:02:41,884 Hello! 43 00:02:41,959 --> 00:02:43,329 Future wife, 9:00. 44 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,880 I'm gonna write her a Valentine! 45 00:02:52,959 --> 00:02:55,789 You think she'll even come back? 46 00:02:55,875 --> 00:02:57,575 Oh, she'll come back. 47 00:02:57,667 --> 00:03:01,497 I seen a lot of pigeons in my time, 48 00:03:01,583 --> 00:03:06,133 but you got the best set of tail feath-- 49 00:03:06,208 --> 00:03:07,918 you can't write that. 50 00:03:08,041 --> 00:03:10,251 Women like to be wooed. 51 00:03:10,333 --> 00:03:11,793 Write this-- 52 00:03:11,875 --> 00:03:14,955 "Your eyes are pools I could drown in." 53 00:03:15,041 --> 00:03:15,961 Me, drown? 54 00:03:16,041 --> 00:03:18,081 You fall into the catnip again? 55 00:03:18,166 --> 00:03:19,206 It's a metaphor. 56 00:03:19,291 --> 00:03:21,461 You wouldn't literally be drowning. 57 00:03:21,542 --> 00:03:23,332 So, I should lie to the woman? 58 00:03:23,417 --> 00:03:24,287 That's your advice? 59 00:03:24,375 --> 00:03:26,705 Ooh, I need a good place to hide these. 60 00:03:26,792 --> 00:03:28,712 Look at all the valentines. 61 00:03:28,792 --> 00:03:30,922 Aren't you the busy romantic? 62 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,960 They're all for Leonard. 63 00:03:33,041 --> 00:03:34,251 Sending valentines to Lenny? 64 00:03:34,333 --> 00:03:36,383 Easy, fella. They're secret valentines. 65 00:03:36,458 --> 00:03:38,378 He won't know they're all from me. 66 00:03:38,458 --> 00:03:40,788 It's unseemly is all I'm sayin'. 67 00:03:40,875 --> 00:03:43,325 I want to make sure Leonard gets a lot of cards this year. 68 00:03:43,417 --> 00:03:45,497 He's my master and my best friend. 69 00:03:45,583 --> 00:03:47,583 It's my job to look out for him. 70 00:03:52,583 --> 00:03:55,423 If he's ever gonna win the heart of Leslie, he needs confidence. 71 00:03:55,500 --> 00:03:57,830 And nothing builds confidence like thinking you're popular. 72 00:03:57,917 --> 00:03:59,207 You are so smart. 73 00:03:59,291 --> 00:04:02,211 Spot Helperman, I wish I was your master 74 00:04:02,291 --> 00:04:05,131 so you could do things like this for me. 75 00:04:05,208 --> 00:04:07,918 Okay, now you're both gettin' weird. 76 00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:11,580 And... done. 77 00:04:11,667 --> 00:04:13,787 "How's 'bout a birdbath?" 78 00:04:13,875 --> 00:04:14,915 That's it? 79 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:16,500 Short and sweet. 80 00:04:16,583 --> 00:04:19,293 She'll never write back if you send this! 81 00:04:19,375 --> 00:04:21,285 It's not romantic at all. 82 00:04:21,375 --> 00:04:22,825 Romantic, schmomantic. 83 00:04:22,917 --> 00:04:24,747 Babes like guys who are honest. 84 00:04:24,834 --> 00:04:27,384 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to puff up my feathers 85 00:04:27,458 --> 00:04:29,578 so she'll think I have muscles. 86 00:04:38,500 --> 00:04:40,630 You look all waxed and polished today, Ian. 87 00:04:40,709 --> 00:04:43,919 Hey, how'd you know it was earwax? 88 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,330 Uh... lucky guess. 89 00:04:46,417 --> 00:04:48,167 I suppose I could tell you, 90 00:04:48,250 --> 00:04:50,960 but you'd have to promise to keep it a secret. 91 00:04:51,041 --> 00:04:53,791 And if you tell, I will send worms to your house 92 00:04:53,875 --> 00:04:58,575 in the middle of the night to eat your eyeballs out. 93 00:04:58,667 --> 00:04:59,497 Uh-huh. 94 00:04:59,583 --> 00:05:01,003 Maybe you shouldn't tell me then, 95 00:05:01,083 --> 00:05:02,883 just in case there's some clerical mix-up. 96 00:05:02,959 --> 00:05:05,789 I'm gonna ask Ruth to go steady after school 97 00:05:05,875 --> 00:05:07,995 and give her a heart. 98 00:05:08,083 --> 00:05:10,003 It's a real one from the butcher stop. 99 00:05:10,083 --> 00:05:11,463 Do you think she'll like it? 100 00:05:12,542 --> 00:05:14,422 Oh, she's one lucky girl. 101 00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:16,170 Is she in school today? 102 00:05:16,250 --> 00:05:17,460 She's over there. 103 00:05:17,542 --> 00:05:20,172 Okay, maybe she's not so lucky. 104 00:05:20,250 --> 00:05:21,420 So, excited? 105 00:05:21,500 --> 00:05:24,080 It's V-day-- the big "V." 106 00:05:24,166 --> 00:05:25,706 "V" for victory. 107 00:05:25,792 --> 00:05:26,962 Why would I be excited? 108 00:05:27,041 --> 00:05:29,421 This could be the most embarrassing day of my life. 109 00:05:29,500 --> 00:05:31,540 What if I don't get a card from anybody? 110 00:05:31,625 --> 00:05:33,495 Leslie will never like me then. 111 00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:35,633 Who wants to like a guy nobody else likes? 112 00:05:35,709 --> 00:05:37,209 I should have stayed home. 113 00:05:37,291 --> 00:05:39,751 Relax, you're gonna get a bunch of cards. 114 00:05:39,834 --> 00:05:43,384 In fact, all the girls are stealing secret glances at you. 115 00:05:45,417 --> 00:05:46,457 I don't see any. 116 00:05:46,542 --> 00:05:47,632 Of course you don't. 117 00:05:47,709 --> 00:05:49,329 That's why they're called "secret." 118 00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:51,577 Trust me-- today's the day they've been waiting for-- 119 00:05:51,667 --> 00:05:53,917 when they can express their true feelings. 120 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:56,290 And when Leslie sees how popular you are, 121 00:05:56,375 --> 00:05:58,205 she'll quickly declare her love. 122 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:05,420 Good morning, class. 123 00:06:05,500 --> 00:06:08,380 Now, before we hand out our secret valentines, 124 00:06:08,458 --> 00:06:10,128 I thought it'd be a fun idea 125 00:06:10,208 --> 00:06:13,668 to learn a little history about St. Valentine first. 126 00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:18,291 Which one of my supersmart students can quickly tell us 127 00:06:18,375 --> 00:06:19,535 who St. Valentine was? 128 00:06:22,834 --> 00:06:26,334 Well, we can't hand out the cards until someone tries. 129 00:06:26,417 --> 00:06:27,877 St. Valentine's day derives from 130 00:06:27,959 --> 00:06:29,329 the ancient Roman feast of Lupercalia 131 00:06:29,458 --> 00:06:32,538 and is associated with two Roman martyrs, both named Valentine. Done! 132 00:06:32,625 --> 00:06:33,705 Okey-dokey, go! 133 00:06:48,917 --> 00:06:50,877 How many cards did you get, Tyler? 134 00:06:50,959 --> 00:06:52,459 12. 135 00:06:52,542 --> 00:06:54,132 Wow, 12! 136 00:06:54,208 --> 00:06:55,788 That's a lot! 137 00:06:55,875 --> 00:06:57,375 How many'd you get, Scott? 138 00:06:57,458 --> 00:06:58,378 Only 10. 139 00:06:58,458 --> 00:07:00,378 Congratulations, Tyler. 140 00:07:00,458 --> 00:07:03,498 Not that it's a contest or anything, but if it was, 141 00:07:03,583 --> 00:07:06,833 it'd certainly take someone a lot more popular than me 142 00:07:06,917 --> 00:07:07,877 to beat 12. 143 00:07:07,959 --> 00:07:10,039 Say, how many did you get, Leonard? 144 00:07:10,125 --> 00:07:13,535 13... 14... 15. 145 00:07:16,875 --> 00:07:19,375 You got 15 cards? No way! 146 00:07:19,458 --> 00:07:20,918 Let me see those. 147 00:07:23,959 --> 00:07:26,499 Leonard got more than Tyler! 148 00:07:27,667 --> 00:07:29,287 So, what's your secret, dude? 149 00:07:29,375 --> 00:07:31,575 Yeah, dude, how do you get girls to like you? 150 00:07:31,667 --> 00:07:33,037 If I were to speculate, 151 00:07:33,125 --> 00:07:35,455 it's the way Leonard carries himself-- 152 00:07:35,542 --> 00:07:37,582 his cool demeanor, the cut of his jib. 153 00:07:37,667 --> 00:07:38,537 Cut of his jib. 154 00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:39,625 Cool demeanor. 155 00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:40,999 Gotta get a jib. 156 00:07:41,083 --> 00:07:43,173 Hey, what about stealing a girl's notebook 157 00:07:43,250 --> 00:07:44,540 so she has to talk to you? 158 00:07:44,625 --> 00:07:46,245 Gentlemen, Leonard's appeal 159 00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:48,963 is not the result of silly, calculated actions. 160 00:07:49,041 --> 00:07:52,581 If you were to ask Chelsea or Leslie or Younghee or-- 161 00:07:52,667 --> 00:07:54,247 did I mention Leslie? 162 00:07:54,333 --> 00:07:56,503 They'd all say, including Leslie, 163 00:07:56,583 --> 00:07:59,213 that Leonard has something special. 164 00:07:59,291 --> 00:08:02,501 Maybe it's his shy innocence or his boyish good looks. 165 00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:03,833 Who's to say? 166 00:08:03,917 --> 00:08:06,577 The point is, he's popular because of who he is, 167 00:08:06,667 --> 00:08:08,377 not simply what he does. 168 00:08:08,458 --> 00:08:10,378 But the notebook thing could work, right? 169 00:08:12,083 --> 00:08:13,503 Where you going, Ian? 170 00:08:13,583 --> 00:08:15,333 To give Ruth her gift. 171 00:08:15,417 --> 00:08:16,497 Yeah, about that-- 172 00:08:16,583 --> 00:08:19,463 I don't think that gift is such a good idea. 173 00:08:19,542 --> 00:08:20,672 Shh! Here she comes. 174 00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:22,460 Ahem. Here, Ruth. 175 00:08:22,542 --> 00:08:26,132 I got a Valentine's present for you. 176 00:08:26,208 --> 00:08:28,328 Ian, you shouldn't have. 177 00:08:28,417 --> 00:08:30,167 That's what I tried to tell him. 178 00:08:31,417 --> 00:08:33,497 This is so nice! 179 00:08:33,625 --> 00:08:34,745 It is? 180 00:08:35,250 --> 00:08:39,290 They're chocolates for the sweetest person I know. 181 00:08:39,375 --> 00:08:41,165 They all have bite marks. 182 00:08:41,250 --> 00:08:42,330 Well, duh! 183 00:08:42,417 --> 00:08:45,327 I had to taste them to know which ones were which. 184 00:08:45,417 --> 00:08:49,037 You know, my pet worms like the coconut-filled the best. 185 00:08:49,125 --> 00:08:50,245 Ew! 186 00:08:50,333 --> 00:08:51,253 Ahh!! 187 00:08:51,333 --> 00:08:53,293 You don't like candy? 188 00:08:53,375 --> 00:08:55,035 I got another gift! 189 00:08:55,125 --> 00:08:56,125 Wait! 190 00:09:00,667 --> 00:09:01,917 We just counted. 191 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:05,130 There's no way you could have gotten so many valentines. 192 00:09:05,208 --> 00:09:06,458 You counted? 193 00:09:06,542 --> 00:09:09,752 Look, this one has the same handwriting as this one... 194 00:09:09,834 --> 00:09:11,174 And this one. 195 00:09:11,250 --> 00:09:12,710 You made these yourself. 196 00:09:12,792 --> 00:09:15,332 Leonard sent valentines to himself. 197 00:09:15,458 --> 00:09:17,208 I didn't, I swear! 198 00:09:17,291 --> 00:09:20,381 Yeah, loser! You forger! Oh, you're just wrong, man. 199 00:09:20,458 --> 00:09:22,828 Leonard's telling the truth. 200 00:09:26,375 --> 00:09:28,165 Well, look at the bright side-- 201 00:09:28,250 --> 00:09:30,830 the worst part of the day's probably behind you now. 202 00:09:35,166 --> 00:09:38,416 Yahoo! Whoopee! 203 00:09:40,125 --> 00:09:41,285 "Let's get together. 204 00:09:41,375 --> 00:09:44,075 I've been looking to meet a bird like you." 205 00:09:44,166 --> 00:09:46,286 What's that I hear-- a cat apology? 206 00:09:46,375 --> 00:09:48,785 "The other birds I usually meet are lowlifes 207 00:09:48,875 --> 00:09:51,035 who ask me to take birdbaths with them." 208 00:09:51,125 --> 00:09:52,035 Huh? 209 00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:53,665 "But you're different. 210 00:09:53,750 --> 00:09:57,330 When you said you drown in my eyes, it was so romantic--" 211 00:09:57,417 --> 00:09:59,497 hold your horses. I didn't say-- 212 00:09:59,583 --> 00:10:01,083 you rewrote my letter. 213 00:10:01,166 --> 00:10:02,456 Yeah. 214 00:10:02,542 --> 00:10:05,212 I admit it was a risk, but she did write back. 215 00:10:05,291 --> 00:10:07,501 You can't rewrite a guy's letter. 216 00:10:07,583 --> 00:10:09,333 Yours would have insulted her. 217 00:10:09,417 --> 00:10:11,327 Mine got her interested. 218 00:10:11,417 --> 00:10:13,457 I was right, you were wrong. 219 00:10:13,542 --> 00:10:16,502 And if you're gonna have her believe you're the refined, 220 00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:18,793 romantic gentleman she obviously expects you to be, 221 00:10:18,875 --> 00:10:19,955 you need my help. 222 00:10:20,041 --> 00:10:21,921 A dumb cat's gonna help me with romance? 223 00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:23,330 I'm laughing. 224 00:10:23,417 --> 00:10:26,457 So, you know about corsages and boutonnieres? 225 00:10:26,542 --> 00:10:27,752 Boot-on-whats? 226 00:10:27,834 --> 00:10:29,544 Etiquette calls for the presentation 227 00:10:29,625 --> 00:10:32,075 of a small collection of flowers on the first date. 228 00:10:32,166 --> 00:10:33,536 You mean a clump of daisies? 229 00:10:33,625 --> 00:10:34,745 I knew to get that. 230 00:10:34,834 --> 00:10:37,134 Actually, roses are more appropriate, 231 00:10:37,208 --> 00:10:40,078 but if daisies are the message you want to send... 232 00:10:40,166 --> 00:10:42,326 Maybe roses-- I haven't decided. 233 00:10:42,417 --> 00:10:43,327 Uh-huh. 234 00:10:43,417 --> 00:10:44,627 Then I assume you know 235 00:10:44,709 --> 00:10:46,709 that different colors send different messages. 236 00:10:46,792 --> 00:10:48,502 It'd be a pity to make the mistake 237 00:10:48,583 --> 00:10:50,003 of presenting her with white roses 238 00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:53,293 since they have traditionally come to symbolize sympathy. 239 00:10:53,375 --> 00:10:55,665 I would also stay away from the yellow and peach tones, 240 00:10:55,750 --> 00:10:57,460 which are usually sent in friendship. 241 00:10:57,542 --> 00:10:59,172 There's always red, of course, 242 00:10:59,250 --> 00:11:02,830 but is the obvious choice always the best choice? 243 00:11:02,917 --> 00:11:05,247 I'm sure you won't embarrass yourself. 244 00:11:05,333 --> 00:11:07,963 Mnh-mnh-mnh. 245 00:11:08,041 --> 00:11:09,671 All right, you can help. 246 00:11:09,750 --> 00:11:11,830 First, you have to apologize. 247 00:11:11,917 --> 00:11:13,747 You called me a dumb cat. 248 00:11:13,834 --> 00:11:14,964 Apologize. 249 00:11:15,041 --> 00:11:17,291 Sorry you're a dumb cat. 250 00:11:17,375 --> 00:11:18,495 That's it. 251 00:11:18,583 --> 00:11:20,333 I'm kiddin'! I'm kiddin'! 252 00:11:20,417 --> 00:11:21,667 Okay, I'm sorry. 253 00:11:21,750 --> 00:11:22,960 Very well. 254 00:11:23,041 --> 00:11:25,541 First, we need to work on your diction. 255 00:11:25,625 --> 00:11:27,075 Oh, gimme a break. 256 00:11:27,166 --> 00:11:28,376 Ah-ah-ah-ah. 257 00:11:28,458 --> 00:11:31,458 It's not "gimme," it's "give me--" two words. 258 00:11:31,542 --> 00:11:35,132 Give me a break, you dumb cat. 259 00:11:45,625 --> 00:11:47,415 Psst. 260 00:11:47,500 --> 00:11:50,960 Leonard...uh, about those cards... 261 00:11:51,041 --> 00:11:52,291 I sorta know who made 'em. 262 00:11:52,375 --> 00:11:53,825 Who? 263 00:11:53,917 --> 00:11:56,457 First you have to promise not to get too mad at him-- 264 00:11:56,542 --> 00:11:57,632 or her. 265 00:11:57,709 --> 00:12:00,329 You mean the person who made me look like a dork 266 00:12:00,417 --> 00:12:02,127 in front of the whole school, 267 00:12:02,208 --> 00:12:05,328 who destroyed any chance I had to get Leslie to like me? 268 00:12:05,417 --> 00:12:07,247 Yeah. That person. 269 00:12:07,333 --> 00:12:10,713 He-- or she-- was just trying to do a nice thing. 270 00:12:10,792 --> 00:12:12,042 Tell me who it is! 271 00:12:12,125 --> 00:12:13,625 They'd never have done it 272 00:12:13,709 --> 00:12:16,419 if they thought people would find out. 273 00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:17,920 I demand you tell me. 274 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,000 Heh heh heh heh. 275 00:12:20,083 --> 00:12:21,713 You?! 276 00:12:21,792 --> 00:12:24,422 Leonard, is there something you want to say? 277 00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:28,790 Not out loud. Sorry. 278 00:12:28,875 --> 00:12:31,785 How could you-- why would you-- 279 00:12:31,875 --> 00:12:32,955 do you think I'm so pitiful 280 00:12:33,041 --> 00:12:34,581 that I needed someone to send me fake cards? 281 00:12:34,667 --> 00:12:36,667 I thought Leslie would like you more 282 00:12:36,750 --> 00:12:38,540 if she saw how popular you were. 283 00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:39,825 Fix it-- you hear me? 284 00:12:39,917 --> 00:12:42,537 At lunchtime-- you tell everybody at lunchtime. 285 00:12:42,625 --> 00:12:43,825 Say no more. 286 00:12:43,917 --> 00:12:46,417 And don't tell me when I can say something 287 00:12:46,500 --> 00:12:47,420 and when I can't. 288 00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:50,000 Uh, it's just that everyone's staring. 289 00:12:54,917 --> 00:12:57,077 So, you see... I did it. 290 00:12:57,166 --> 00:12:59,706 Leonard knew nothing about it. 291 00:13:02,625 --> 00:13:03,665 Thank you. 292 00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:06,790 I told you I'd set everything straight. 293 00:13:06,875 --> 00:13:09,325 Leonard, you are such a loser. 294 00:13:09,417 --> 00:13:11,877 First you send yourself fake valentines. 295 00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:14,919 Now you ask Scott to lie to get you out of it? 296 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,000 He's not lying! 297 00:13:16,083 --> 00:13:18,003 We saw you whispering in class. 298 00:13:18,083 --> 00:13:19,383 You have it all wrong. 299 00:13:19,458 --> 00:13:21,078 And you're the coolest. 300 00:13:21,166 --> 00:13:23,456 Leonard didn't-- I'm the coolest? 301 00:13:23,542 --> 00:13:27,172 You were willing to look like a fool to help your friend. 302 00:13:27,250 --> 00:13:30,960 I'm gonna make my peanut-butter sandwich into a heart shape 303 00:13:31,041 --> 00:13:32,421 and give it to you. 304 00:13:32,500 --> 00:13:36,040 Oh. That's very kind, Chelsea, and certainly original, 305 00:13:36,125 --> 00:13:39,495 but if I could just clear Leonard's name first-- 306 00:13:39,583 --> 00:13:41,963 I'm gonna make you a Valentine, too, 307 00:13:42,041 --> 00:13:45,461 out of paper napkins and my silver-sparkle lip gloss. 308 00:13:46,542 --> 00:13:49,832 I'm gonna use every color in the 64-crayon box. 309 00:13:51,875 --> 00:13:53,625 Don't worry. I have a plan. 310 00:13:53,709 --> 00:13:56,419 You had a plan. That's how I ended up here. 311 00:14:01,917 --> 00:14:05,077 Your feathers are soft like milk. 312 00:14:05,166 --> 00:14:06,706 Not milk-- silk. 313 00:14:06,792 --> 00:14:08,582 That makes no sense. 314 00:14:08,667 --> 00:14:10,077 It's romantic. 315 00:14:10,166 --> 00:14:11,496 Give me a break! 316 00:14:11,583 --> 00:14:13,253 Ooh! Here she comes! 317 00:14:13,333 --> 00:14:16,793 Remember-- only say what I tell you. 318 00:14:18,792 --> 00:14:21,502 Not the sharpest tool in the shed, is she? 319 00:14:23,583 --> 00:14:26,383 Looks like that hurt. I should kiss it and make it-- 320 00:14:26,458 --> 00:14:27,498 ouch! 321 00:14:27,583 --> 00:14:28,463 That hurt! 322 00:14:28,542 --> 00:14:30,632 Do you want to ruin everything? 323 00:14:30,709 --> 00:14:32,829 Only say what I tell you to say. 324 00:14:32,917 --> 00:14:35,537 Start with, "you're more beautiful up close 325 00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:38,125 than I ever dreamed--" quick, say it. 326 00:14:38,208 --> 00:14:41,328 You're more beautiful than I thought-- 327 00:14:41,417 --> 00:14:42,787 I mean, dreamed. 328 00:14:42,875 --> 00:14:46,455 Well, aren't you sweet? I'm Peppermint. 329 00:14:46,542 --> 00:14:48,542 Pretty Boy Helperman at your service. 330 00:14:48,625 --> 00:14:52,955 Pretty boy Helperman at your service! 331 00:14:53,041 --> 00:14:54,541 Give her the flowers! Give her the flowers! 332 00:15:06,667 --> 00:15:07,787 Don't pick Leonard. 333 00:15:07,875 --> 00:15:09,825 He'll probably choose himself anyway. 334 00:15:21,709 --> 00:15:24,629 the tree. 335 00:15:27,333 --> 00:15:28,333 Sorry I'm late. 336 00:15:28,417 --> 00:15:31,127 The FBI's crime lab was busier than usual. 337 00:15:31,208 --> 00:15:33,378 I've come to clear Leonard's good name. 338 00:15:33,458 --> 00:15:36,668 Can't it wait until after kickball? 339 00:15:36,750 --> 00:15:39,750 Kickball?! Ooh! I love kickball! 340 00:15:39,834 --> 00:15:42,214 Hmm...but, no, it can't wait. 341 00:15:42,291 --> 00:15:45,921 So, how do I intend to clear his name, you may ask? 342 00:15:47,542 --> 00:15:50,252 It was gonna be a rhetorical question anyway. 343 00:15:50,333 --> 00:15:53,133 Exhibit "A"-- a magnified spectrum-analysis print 344 00:15:53,208 --> 00:15:55,498 showing none of Leonard's fingerprints 345 00:15:55,583 --> 00:15:57,503 on any of the Valentine's Day cards, 346 00:15:57,583 --> 00:15:59,713 proving without a shadow of a doubt 347 00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:01,922 that he could not have written them 348 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,920 unless he did so with his feet. 349 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,710 Exhibit "B"-- a magnified spectrum-analysis print 350 00:16:06,792 --> 00:16:08,832 showing none of Leonard's feet. 351 00:16:08,917 --> 00:16:12,037 Maybe he used his feet-- ever think of that? 352 00:16:12,125 --> 00:16:14,035 You're one step behind us, Ian. 353 00:16:14,125 --> 00:16:17,125 That doesn't prove anything. Maybe he wore gloves-- 354 00:16:17,208 --> 00:16:19,958 like those dudes in those really cool movies. 355 00:16:20,041 --> 00:16:23,131 Yeah! Or like when my mom does dishes! 356 00:16:23,208 --> 00:16:26,828 Or when the cafeteria lady scoops out mashed potatoes. 357 00:16:26,917 --> 00:16:28,537 Okay, I see your point. 358 00:16:28,625 --> 00:16:32,325 Oh! Oh! Maybe he had special polypropylene gloves 359 00:16:32,417 --> 00:16:33,707 made just for feet! 360 00:16:33,792 --> 00:16:36,502 Now you're two steps behind, Ian. 361 00:16:36,583 --> 00:16:39,423 All right! Time for the hard evidence. 362 00:16:39,500 --> 00:16:42,380 Allow me, then, to move on to exhibit "C." 363 00:16:42,458 --> 00:16:43,918 Someone pick a card-- 364 00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:46,920 Bogus! There's a hidden compartment in his hat. 365 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:48,290 I know this trick. 366 00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:49,455 It's a beanie! 367 00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:51,882 You're now officially three steps behind 368 00:16:51,959 --> 00:16:53,499 and not allowed to talk. 369 00:16:55,333 --> 00:16:57,253 "Happy Valentine's Day. 370 00:16:57,333 --> 00:17:01,753 I wish we were on an island, just you and I." 371 00:17:01,834 --> 00:17:05,424 There it is-- proof that Leonard did not write this card. 372 00:17:06,709 --> 00:17:08,459 Let me elucidate. 373 00:17:08,542 --> 00:17:10,422 Would anyone care to comment 374 00:17:10,500 --> 00:17:13,080 on the author's stunningly grammatical use 375 00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:16,496 of the first-person plural subjunctive "I wish we were"? 376 00:17:16,583 --> 00:17:18,503 Ha ha! Anybody at all? 377 00:17:20,375 --> 00:17:22,785 The use of the past-tense form "were," 378 00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:26,375 even though the action takes place in the present... 379 00:17:27,625 --> 00:17:30,955 My point being, these cards were obviously written 380 00:17:31,041 --> 00:17:32,331 by an "A" student. 381 00:17:32,417 --> 00:17:34,457 Leonard, are you an "A" student? 382 00:17:34,542 --> 00:17:35,752 No. 383 00:17:35,834 --> 00:17:38,334 Am I an "A" student? 384 00:17:38,417 --> 00:17:39,457 Yes! 385 00:17:39,542 --> 00:17:41,542 Aha! Need I go on? 386 00:17:41,625 --> 00:17:45,375 So you are the one 387 00:17:45,458 --> 00:17:46,628 who actually wrote all those cards 388 00:17:46,709 --> 00:17:48,329 and gave them to Leonard? 389 00:17:48,417 --> 00:17:49,457 Congratulations, Ian. 390 00:17:49,542 --> 00:17:52,382 You're now back to being only one step behind. 391 00:17:52,458 --> 00:17:55,288 And the gloves did cover up his fingerprints?! 392 00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:57,535 What the heck-- let's call it even. 393 00:17:57,625 --> 00:18:01,415 Sorry, Leonard. I knew it wasn't you. 394 00:18:01,500 --> 00:18:02,830 I didn't believe it anyway. 395 00:18:02,917 --> 00:18:03,747 Why'd you do it? 396 00:18:03,834 --> 00:18:06,084 Why? 397 00:18:06,166 --> 00:18:07,626 Because... 398 00:18:07,709 --> 00:18:09,459 I love him. 399 00:18:09,542 --> 00:18:12,132 That's right. I love Leonard. 400 00:18:12,208 --> 00:18:15,498 He's my best friend, and I love him in the same way 401 00:18:15,583 --> 00:18:18,253 that Tom Sawyer loved Huckleberry Finn 402 00:18:18,333 --> 00:18:20,923 or Jim Bowie loved Davy Crockett. 403 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,880 They trusted each other with their lives. 404 00:18:23,959 --> 00:18:25,289 They were best friends, 405 00:18:25,375 --> 00:18:28,125 and you can bet that if they had some colored markers 406 00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:30,378 and a pair of safety scissors at The Alamo, 407 00:18:30,458 --> 00:18:32,958 they'd have made each other valentines, too. 408 00:18:33,041 --> 00:18:36,581 And isn't that what St. Valentine was talking about 409 00:18:36,667 --> 00:18:38,997 when he said... uh... 410 00:18:39,083 --> 00:18:43,293 "Love...your fellow best friends"? 411 00:18:43,375 --> 00:18:46,415 You went through all this trouble to clear Leonard's name, 412 00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,130 even though he never would have found out? 413 00:18:49,208 --> 00:18:50,628 You're cooler than ever! 414 00:18:50,709 --> 00:18:53,629 I'm gonna give you my pink rhinestone charm bracelet. 415 00:18:53,709 --> 00:18:56,329 And I'm gonna bake you a chocolate layer cake. 416 00:18:56,417 --> 00:18:57,917 I changed my mind. 417 00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:01,000 I'm gonna make you a chocolate layer cake. 418 00:19:01,083 --> 00:19:02,713 You said "bracelet" first. 419 00:19:02,792 --> 00:19:04,422 I can change my mind. 420 00:19:04,500 --> 00:19:05,670 No, you can't. 421 00:19:05,750 --> 00:19:06,880 Yes, I can! 422 00:19:06,959 --> 00:19:09,539 If it makes you feel better, 423 00:19:09,625 --> 00:19:13,125 dogs get sick eating chocolate cake. 424 00:19:19,125 --> 00:19:21,245 The music's almost... 425 00:19:22,542 --> 00:19:24,332 ...as pretty as you. 426 00:19:24,417 --> 00:19:28,377 If this music had a face, it would look like you. 427 00:19:28,458 --> 00:19:31,128 So, you want to hear more? 428 00:19:35,583 --> 00:19:38,503 You want more romantic stuff, you say?! 429 00:19:38,583 --> 00:19:41,213 I can say more romantic stuff! 430 00:19:43,375 --> 00:19:45,915 Look-- outside! 431 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,330 Hey, fleabag... 432 00:19:49,375 --> 00:19:50,875 Asleep? Wake up! 433 00:19:56,083 --> 00:19:57,133 Oops. 434 00:19:59,417 --> 00:20:01,667 Clumsy me. 435 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:11,458 How's about a birdbath? 436 00:20:11,542 --> 00:20:13,382 Why, I never! 437 00:20:15,208 --> 00:20:17,628 Don't leave! I didn't mean-- 438 00:20:17,709 --> 00:20:19,749 wait! 439 00:20:19,834 --> 00:20:21,464 W-What-- what happened? 440 00:20:21,542 --> 00:20:23,332 I'm wet! 441 00:20:23,417 --> 00:20:24,537 She left! 442 00:20:24,625 --> 00:20:26,325 Well, I'm not surprised. 443 00:20:26,417 --> 00:20:29,037 With your sloppy table manners-- 444 00:20:29,125 --> 00:20:30,955 Yech! Birdseed! 445 00:20:31,083 --> 00:20:32,753 You know nothing about us! 446 00:20:32,834 --> 00:20:34,334 We had a connection! 447 00:20:34,417 --> 00:20:36,377 You watch-- she'll be back... 448 00:20:36,458 --> 00:20:39,458 Some sunny day. 449 00:20:44,667 --> 00:20:45,957 Ew! 450 00:20:46,041 --> 00:20:50,001 Oh! Playing hard to get, is that it?! 451 00:20:51,291 --> 00:20:53,791 Sorry again for all the trouble I caused. 452 00:20:53,875 --> 00:20:56,035 I know I apologized four times already... 453 00:20:56,125 --> 00:20:57,075 Stop. 454 00:20:57,166 --> 00:20:58,786 ...but my heart was in the right place. 455 00:20:58,875 --> 00:21:00,205 I forgive you. Chill. 456 00:21:00,291 --> 00:21:03,541 It turned out to be a good Valentine's Day after all. 457 00:21:03,625 --> 00:21:06,075 I mean, what you did was really dumb 458 00:21:06,166 --> 00:21:08,916 and stupid and shortsighted and wrong... 459 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,000 I want to apologize for that. 460 00:21:11,083 --> 00:21:13,083 But how many times do you get to see 461 00:21:13,166 --> 00:21:15,626 how much those around you really love you? 462 00:21:15,709 --> 00:21:18,329 You were right, it doesn't matter how many cards you get. 463 00:21:18,417 --> 00:21:22,497 What's important is knowing that the ones you do get are heartfelt. 464 00:21:22,583 --> 00:21:24,383 Those 15 you sent meant more 465 00:21:24,458 --> 00:21:27,208 than if I would have got 100 anonymous ones. 466 00:21:27,291 --> 00:21:29,581 Of course, I just wanted one from Leslie. 467 00:21:29,667 --> 00:21:31,207 I didn't even get that. 468 00:21:31,291 --> 00:21:32,421 What did you just say? 469 00:21:32,500 --> 00:21:35,380 -I just wanted one from Leslie. -Before that. 470 00:21:35,458 --> 00:21:38,458 -It doesn't matter how many-- -After that. 471 00:21:38,542 --> 00:21:40,332 -Those 15 you sent-- -There. 472 00:21:40,417 --> 00:21:43,327 You got 15 valentines? 473 00:21:43,417 --> 00:21:45,877 I only sent you 14. 474 00:21:45,959 --> 00:21:48,579 This one's not mine. 475 00:21:48,667 --> 00:21:50,207 "You are the best." 476 00:21:50,291 --> 00:21:52,501 Signed, "Your Secret Admirer." 477 00:21:52,583 --> 00:21:54,043 It's from Leslie! 478 00:21:54,125 --> 00:21:56,665 She has a blue pen. I saw it once. 479 00:21:56,750 --> 00:22:00,210 Well, there's lots of blue pens in the world. 480 00:22:00,291 --> 00:22:03,251 But it definitely could be from Leslie. 481 00:22:03,333 --> 00:22:04,583 Do you think? 482 00:22:04,667 --> 00:22:06,167 Definitely.