1 00:00:00,333 --> 00:00:01,463 Of the leash 2 00:00:01,542 --> 00:00:04,082 - 3 00:00:08,417 --> 00:00:10,127 - 4 00:00:10,208 --> 00:00:11,828 For a pair of pants 5 00:00:11,917 --> 00:00:14,207 His favorite pastime 6 00:00:14,291 --> 00:00:16,581 For the last time 7 00:00:16,667 --> 00:00:18,287 - 8 00:00:28,500 --> 00:00:30,960 Why can't I be a normal kid like any other? 9 00:00:31,041 --> 00:00:33,131 Now, doodle bug, listen to mother. 10 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:36,920 I hate dogs. 11 00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,502 I do not wish to be a dog. 12 00:00:52,291 --> 00:00:54,131 Yes! 13 00:01:09,333 --> 00:01:11,333 Leonard, sweetie, it's time for school. 14 00:01:11,417 --> 00:01:12,917 We gotta lickety-scoot. 15 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,500 Hot diggity! P.B. And J. 16 00:01:15,583 --> 00:01:18,253 And a delicious tangelo for dessert. 17 00:01:18,333 --> 00:01:21,383 Or is this an orangine? I can never tell. 18 00:01:21,458 --> 00:01:25,378 Peanut butter and jelly again? I'm a dog! 19 00:01:25,458 --> 00:01:27,378 Sure, George Washington Carver invented 20 00:01:27,458 --> 00:01:28,628 over 300 ways to use peanuts, 21 00:01:28,709 --> 00:01:30,499 but he couldn't come up with just one 22 00:01:30,583 --> 00:01:32,963 that doesn't stick to the roof of a dog's mouth. 23 00:01:34,250 --> 00:01:35,420 Happy? 24 00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:37,130 You're a pal! I owe ya. 25 00:01:37,208 --> 00:01:38,378 All righty then, let's go! 26 00:01:38,458 --> 00:01:41,628 Leaving? What about my breakfast? 27 00:01:41,709 --> 00:01:44,169 Most important meal of the day. 28 00:01:44,250 --> 00:01:45,960 Where's my milk?! 29 00:01:46,041 --> 00:01:48,461 Ugh! Think, kitty, think. 30 00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:50,252 Ah-- the purr thing. 31 00:01:52,959 --> 00:01:56,749 Oh-- can't leave Mr. Jolly without his morning milk treat. 32 00:01:56,834 --> 00:01:58,504 Ooh, thank you, thank you, thank you. 33 00:01:58,583 --> 00:02:00,253 Now get out of the way. I'm starving. 34 00:02:01,333 --> 00:02:03,673 I hate when she drives him to school. 35 00:02:07,375 --> 00:02:08,375 Ahhhh. 36 00:02:09,750 --> 00:02:11,380 Pardonnez-moi. 37 00:02:11,458 --> 00:02:16,128 Now for a nice midmorning siesta. 38 00:02:20,417 --> 00:02:22,287 Huh? Huh? What? 39 00:02:22,375 --> 00:02:24,825 Oh. It's quarter to 8:00. 40 00:02:24,917 --> 00:02:25,877 What? 41 00:02:25,959 --> 00:02:27,329 Quarter to 8:00. 42 00:02:27,417 --> 00:02:29,627 That's a wonderful impression of a cuckoo bird. 43 00:02:29,709 --> 00:02:31,919 But if you don't mind, I'm trying to sleep. 44 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:34,330 I'll give you an impression-- right on your head! 45 00:02:34,417 --> 00:02:35,917 You asked me what time it was. 46 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,210 I most certainly did not! 47 00:02:38,291 --> 00:02:40,501 And there is no need to take that tone 48 00:02:40,583 --> 00:02:42,503 just because you woke up on the wrong side of the perch. 49 00:02:42,583 --> 00:02:45,333 I didn't say a word-- not a chirp or even a peep! 50 00:02:45,417 --> 00:02:46,707 I'm telling you, it was you! 51 00:02:46,792 --> 00:02:50,462 That's ridiculous, absurd, and a little bit mean. 52 00:02:52,250 --> 00:02:54,250 Oh, sweet sandbox, no! 53 00:02:54,333 --> 00:02:58,293 That horrible, uncouth, almost-alien sound! 54 00:03:00,041 --> 00:03:01,251 It's coming from me! 55 00:03:01,333 --> 00:03:03,753 Congrats, Sherlock. Cracked another case. 56 00:03:03,834 --> 00:03:05,174 I don't know how you do it. 57 00:03:08,125 --> 00:03:11,535 Kids, once in your elementary-school career 58 00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:16,125 do you get an opportunity such as I am about to offer you. 59 00:03:16,208 --> 00:03:19,378 I am giving this class the honor of performing 60 00:03:19,458 --> 00:03:22,878 at the annual district school principals' showcase! 61 00:03:22,959 --> 00:03:26,789 You will perform my personal favorite, 62 00:03:26,875 --> 00:03:29,575 the great American square dance! 63 00:03:29,667 --> 00:03:31,417 Square dancing? Ew! 64 00:03:31,500 --> 00:03:33,040 Come on! 65 00:03:33,125 --> 00:03:37,915 What they mean by "ew" is, "we'd be honored." 66 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:42,250 Yee-haw! A chance to dance in front of others-- 67 00:03:42,333 --> 00:03:43,753 in a square! 68 00:03:43,834 --> 00:03:46,924 That's the spirit! And, uh, one more thing-- 69 00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:50,420 Nash Brickler, the principal of Southwest East Westland, 70 00:03:50,500 --> 00:03:52,040 will be there, too, 71 00:03:52,125 --> 00:03:54,785 so let's have fun, put on a great show, 72 00:03:54,875 --> 00:03:58,165 and above all, make sure you don't embarrass me, 73 00:03:58,250 --> 00:04:01,330 or you'll regret it for the rest of your lives! 74 00:04:01,417 --> 00:04:03,997 Well, isn't that inspiring? 75 00:04:04,083 --> 00:04:08,423 Okey-dokey, then, let's push back your desks. 76 00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:11,127 Girls in one line, boys in another. 77 00:04:11,208 --> 00:04:12,998 You know what this means? 78 00:04:13,083 --> 00:04:15,963 Red rover, red rover, let the girls come over? 79 00:04:16,041 --> 00:04:17,291 No, this is my chance. 80 00:04:17,375 --> 00:04:19,625 I could be partnered with Leslie Dunkling. 81 00:04:19,709 --> 00:04:21,459 Mmm... not likely. 82 00:04:21,542 --> 00:04:23,082 Rules of random selection 83 00:04:23,166 --> 00:04:25,746 applied to the frequency interpretation formula, 84 00:04:25,834 --> 00:04:27,464 vis-à-vis statistical analysis, 85 00:04:27,542 --> 00:04:29,962 not to mention your unfailingly bad luck, 86 00:04:30,041 --> 00:04:31,251 weigh heavily against it. 87 00:04:31,333 --> 00:04:32,793 Kelsey and Taylor. 88 00:04:32,875 --> 00:04:34,205 Out of the way! 89 00:04:34,291 --> 00:04:36,791 I gotta stand here so I can be partnered 90 00:04:36,875 --> 00:04:38,415 with my girlfriend... 91 00:04:38,500 --> 00:04:40,750 Ruth. 92 00:04:40,834 --> 00:04:43,504 But if I refigure random chance-- 93 00:04:43,583 --> 00:04:46,923 insert square dancer Leonard over pi here, 94 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,130 boy-girl cosine here, and... 95 00:04:49,208 --> 00:04:50,208 Move over, Darwin. 96 00:04:50,291 --> 00:04:52,331 I'm toying with natural selection. 97 00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:54,247 And Leslie Dunkling, 98 00:04:54,333 --> 00:04:57,213 you'll be with Leonard Helperman. 99 00:04:57,291 --> 00:04:58,581 Yes! 100 00:04:58,667 --> 00:05:00,877 Nothing a friend wouldn't do for a friend. 101 00:05:00,959 --> 00:05:02,959 Besides, I owed you for that ham slice. 102 00:05:03,041 --> 00:05:05,251 And, Ruth, your partner is Scott Leadready II. 103 00:05:05,333 --> 00:05:06,253 Huh? 104 00:05:06,333 --> 00:05:09,793 Hey! I'm supposed to be with Ruth! 105 00:05:09,875 --> 00:05:12,205 I had myself all lined up! 106 00:05:12,291 --> 00:05:13,501 Thank you. 107 00:05:13,583 --> 00:05:16,253 You did until Scott Leadready slipped into your space. 108 00:05:16,333 --> 00:05:19,423 Nice work, you sly dog, you! 109 00:05:20,792 --> 00:05:23,752 Me, a dog? I don't know what you're talking about. 110 00:05:23,834 --> 00:05:26,254 Just a figure of speech, Tallulah! 111 00:05:26,333 --> 00:05:28,333 He stole my Ruth! 112 00:05:28,417 --> 00:05:31,247 And, Ian Wazselewski, as odd boy out, 113 00:05:31,333 --> 00:05:33,333 I'm making you honorary caller. 114 00:05:33,417 --> 00:05:36,997 Finally, my oddness has paid off! 115 00:05:37,083 --> 00:05:39,543 Okay. What do I get to do? 116 00:05:39,625 --> 00:05:42,995 You get to stand by the record player and do nothing. 117 00:05:43,083 --> 00:05:44,963 What's a record player? 118 00:05:45,041 --> 00:05:47,331 Okay, everybody, a few basics-- caller here. 119 00:05:47,458 --> 00:05:49,328 That makes the closest couple the head couple. 120 00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:51,207 To their right, the second couple. 121 00:05:51,291 --> 00:05:53,581 That makes this the third couple, and this the fourth. 122 00:05:53,667 --> 00:05:56,417 Be warned, Scott Leadready II-- 123 00:05:56,500 --> 00:06:00,670 you'll regret the day you came between me and the girl I love! 124 00:06:00,750 --> 00:06:03,330 I'll be watching your every move! 125 00:06:03,417 --> 00:06:05,037 You won't see me... 126 00:06:05,125 --> 00:06:06,875 'Cause I'll be lurking! 127 00:06:06,959 --> 00:06:08,459 How will that be any different than usual? 128 00:06:08,542 --> 00:06:10,792 Girls are called "ladies," and boys, "gents." 129 00:06:10,875 --> 00:06:12,125 Lucky for us. 130 00:06:12,208 --> 00:06:14,458 Watch and learn. Shall we? 131 00:06:17,125 --> 00:06:20,495 My mom and Principal Strickler? How embarrassing! 132 00:06:20,583 --> 00:06:21,883 Hit it, Mr. Wazselewski! 133 00:06:40,542 --> 00:06:43,382 You better keep your distance! 134 00:06:43,458 --> 00:06:45,288 It's a square dance. You have to hold hands. 135 00:06:45,375 --> 00:06:47,125 Otherwise, it's break dancing. 136 00:06:50,750 --> 00:06:53,670 Sorry, Leonard. I-I-I just can't. 137 00:06:54,959 --> 00:06:56,329 Oh, no. 138 00:06:56,417 --> 00:06:57,707 What's the matter? 139 00:06:57,792 --> 00:06:59,212 My hands got all sweaty. 140 00:06:59,291 --> 00:07:01,541 Is it the dancing? You don't know how to dance? 141 00:07:01,625 --> 00:07:03,415 Or are you nervous about Leslie? 142 00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:05,830 I think it's all those things. 143 00:07:05,917 --> 00:07:08,667 Why couldn't you be a dog like everybody else's dog 144 00:07:08,750 --> 00:07:09,920 and stay at home? 145 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:13,580 Why'd you have to go to school? Why'd you have to pair us up? 146 00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:14,827 Hold up, there, pilgrim. 147 00:07:14,917 --> 00:07:17,247 I got you into this mess. I'll get you out. 148 00:07:33,208 --> 00:07:35,668 Hey, stick a sock in it. I'm going crazy here. 149 00:07:35,750 --> 00:07:37,920 I can't sleep, I can't hear my soaps! 150 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,000 Believe me, I'm trying to keep it quiet, 151 00:07:40,083 --> 00:07:41,423 but nothing I do helps. 152 00:07:49,250 --> 00:07:50,790 Okay, that's the last straw. 153 00:07:50,875 --> 00:07:52,165 Here, chew on this grass. 154 00:07:52,250 --> 00:07:53,580 I understand it's good 155 00:07:53,667 --> 00:07:55,917 for anything with four paws and fur. 156 00:07:59,792 --> 00:08:00,922 I feel worse! 157 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,250 Of course you feel worse. You just ate grass. 158 00:08:03,333 --> 00:08:04,583 Try this cod-liver oil. 159 00:08:04,667 --> 00:08:06,827 Sailors swear by this stuff. 160 00:08:06,917 --> 00:08:07,877 Oy! 161 00:08:07,959 --> 00:08:10,289 Now I know why they swear. It tastes awful. 162 00:08:12,792 --> 00:08:14,542 I was saving the big guns for last. 163 00:08:14,625 --> 00:08:16,455 Here-- nibble on these sunflower seeds. 164 00:08:16,542 --> 00:08:18,082 It's an old family remedy. 165 00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:21,535 Mmm. 166 00:08:23,542 --> 00:08:25,332 Hey, I don't hear a thing. 167 00:08:25,375 --> 00:08:26,995 That's better, right? 168 00:08:27,083 --> 00:08:28,213 I'm quiet! 169 00:08:28,291 --> 00:08:29,501 I'm quiet. 170 00:08:32,709 --> 00:08:34,169 But I'm sick! 171 00:08:34,250 --> 00:08:36,750 I think your problem is all in your head. 172 00:08:36,834 --> 00:08:37,834 It's in my hands. 173 00:08:37,917 --> 00:08:39,327 Work with me here. 174 00:08:39,417 --> 00:08:42,127 What would Sigmund Freud, 175 00:08:42,208 --> 00:08:45,458 the father of modern psychiatry, do in this situation? 176 00:08:45,542 --> 00:08:46,922 Ein rorschach test... 177 00:08:50,250 --> 00:08:52,920 ...or what you would call "the inkblot test." 178 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,670 What does this look like? 179 00:08:54,750 --> 00:08:55,960 Leslie. 180 00:08:56,041 --> 00:08:57,041 Und this? 181 00:08:57,125 --> 00:08:59,495 Leslie running away from my wet hands. 182 00:08:59,583 --> 00:09:00,833 Und this? 183 00:09:00,917 --> 00:09:02,957 Me, dancing by myself. 184 00:09:03,041 --> 00:09:04,001 That's it! 185 00:09:04,083 --> 00:09:06,423 I have the answer to your problems! 186 00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:08,330 What? What? Can you help me? 187 00:09:08,417 --> 00:09:10,287 Ooh, sorry. Your time is up. 188 00:09:10,375 --> 00:09:12,535 Ha ha! Just kidding! 189 00:09:12,625 --> 00:09:15,035 You just need confidence on the dance floor. 190 00:09:15,125 --> 00:09:16,955 Then your problem will go away. 191 00:09:17,041 --> 00:09:18,081 Of course, I can help. 192 00:09:18,166 --> 00:09:21,076 Dancing is in my blood. 193 00:09:21,166 --> 00:09:22,956 I am dance! 194 00:09:23,041 --> 00:09:26,501 When man stumbled from his cave and discovered fire, 195 00:09:26,583 --> 00:09:28,043 I was there. 196 00:09:28,125 --> 00:09:30,875 When Terpsichore the muse inspired the Greeks, 197 00:09:30,959 --> 00:09:32,249 I was there. 198 00:09:32,333 --> 00:09:33,923 So was Helen of Troy. 199 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:35,210 Ooh, what a babe! 200 00:09:35,291 --> 00:09:38,001 When King Henry VIII got married, 201 00:09:38,083 --> 00:09:40,503 I was there-- all six times. 202 00:09:40,583 --> 00:09:42,043 He loved to dance! 203 00:09:42,125 --> 00:09:45,495 Wherever families come together to celebrate weddings, 204 00:09:45,583 --> 00:09:48,173 oh, I'll be there! 205 00:09:48,250 --> 00:09:50,290 What better way to keep from talking to the new in-laws? 206 00:09:50,375 --> 00:09:51,745 Hear that rhythm? 207 00:09:51,834 --> 00:09:54,924 It's the rhythm of life-- like a heartbeat. 208 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:58,040 Leonard, stop thinking about dancing. 209 00:09:58,125 --> 00:09:59,415 Become the dance! 210 00:10:01,583 --> 00:10:02,633 Ow! 211 00:10:02,709 --> 00:10:03,919 Sorry-- sorry. 212 00:10:05,291 --> 00:10:08,001 No problem. You're light as a feather. 213 00:10:08,083 --> 00:10:10,793 It's all right. I've got three more. 214 00:10:10,875 --> 00:10:13,285 What if I step on Leslie's foot? 215 00:10:13,375 --> 00:10:15,035 Ow! Ow, ow! 216 00:10:15,125 --> 00:10:16,125 Ugh! You clod! 217 00:10:16,208 --> 00:10:18,168 I'll never dance with you again! 218 00:10:18,250 --> 00:10:20,920 Oh, you won't be worrying about stepping on her foot. 219 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,920 You'll be too busy listening to the caller. 220 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,960 Wouldn't want to be do-si-doing when you should be promenading! 221 00:10:26,041 --> 00:10:27,921 Or allemande left instead of right. 222 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,210 I didn't even think 223 00:10:29,291 --> 00:10:31,001 of all the other things that could go wrong! 224 00:10:31,083 --> 00:10:33,083 Oops-- me and my big mouth. 225 00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:34,956 Trust me, kid, you can do it! 226 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:38,580 Mmm. 227 00:10:39,917 --> 00:10:40,827 That's it! 228 00:10:40,917 --> 00:10:43,127 Time to get to the bottom of this colonic cacophony. 229 00:10:43,208 --> 00:10:44,498 Heartbeat's fine. 230 00:10:44,583 --> 00:10:46,083 How old are you? 60? 70? 231 00:10:46,166 --> 00:10:48,826 What? I'm not that old. 232 00:10:48,917 --> 00:10:50,877 Cat years-- I'm taking cat years here! 233 00:10:50,959 --> 00:10:52,249 You're not as young as you used to be. 234 00:10:52,333 --> 00:10:53,673 What did you eat today? 235 00:10:53,750 --> 00:10:55,290 Oh. Well, uh, the usual-- 236 00:10:55,375 --> 00:10:58,035 milk, cream, cheese, cream cheese, 237 00:10:58,125 --> 00:11:00,625 ice cream, ice milk, buttermilk... 238 00:11:00,709 --> 00:11:02,789 But I don't see what that-- 239 00:11:02,875 --> 00:11:05,455 wake up and smell the cholesterol, cheese brain! 240 00:11:05,542 --> 00:11:07,042 You're lactose intolerant. 241 00:11:07,125 --> 00:11:10,075 That's why your innards make loud, embarrassing noises. 242 00:11:10,166 --> 00:11:12,706 Lactose intolerant? Don't be ridiculous! 243 00:11:12,792 --> 00:11:16,042 How could I be intolerant of something I love so much? 244 00:11:19,291 --> 00:11:21,381 Great balls of gouda, you're right! 245 00:11:21,458 --> 00:11:22,538 What can I do? 246 00:11:22,625 --> 00:11:24,125 Just say no to milk, cheese, 247 00:11:24,208 --> 00:11:26,458 and all milky, cheesy byproducts. 248 00:11:26,542 --> 00:11:27,582 Oh! 249 00:11:27,667 --> 00:11:29,127 So let me get this straight-- 250 00:11:29,208 --> 00:11:31,998 you're suggesting a life without dairy? 251 00:11:32,083 --> 00:11:33,503 Exactly. 252 00:11:33,583 --> 00:11:35,003 Ooh, the vapors! 253 00:11:37,750 --> 00:11:39,130 And so, sir, you can see 254 00:11:39,208 --> 00:11:41,538 why I need to be excused from square-dancing. 255 00:11:41,625 --> 00:11:43,665 Oh, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard... 256 00:11:43,750 --> 00:11:45,250 In all my years as principal, 257 00:11:45,333 --> 00:11:47,583 that is the best excuse I ever heard. 258 00:11:47,667 --> 00:11:49,827 And I'm sure if you were to submit it 259 00:11:49,917 --> 00:11:51,917 to the make-an-excuse foundation, 260 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,540 they would gladly make you their poster child. 261 00:11:54,625 --> 00:11:55,955 Now get this through 262 00:11:56,041 --> 00:11:59,541 your fourth-grade, video-game-besotted brain-- 263 00:11:59,625 --> 00:12:02,035 no one graduates from this school 264 00:12:02,125 --> 00:12:03,875 without square-dancing! 265 00:12:03,959 --> 00:12:06,079 Do I make myself clear?! 266 00:12:17,208 --> 00:12:19,248 Reach for their hand 267 00:12:19,333 --> 00:12:21,133 Beat of the band 268 00:12:53,250 --> 00:12:54,170 Huh? 269 00:12:54,250 --> 00:12:55,960 Leonard! 270 00:12:56,041 --> 00:12:57,961 Leonard, wake up. 271 00:12:58,041 --> 00:12:58,961 Huh? 272 00:12:59,041 --> 00:13:01,041 I was square-dancing with Leslie, 273 00:13:01,125 --> 00:13:03,375 and everything was fine until we touched hands. 274 00:13:03,458 --> 00:13:04,878 I-I started sweating and-- 275 00:13:04,959 --> 00:13:07,419 It's okay. You were having a nightmare. 276 00:13:07,500 --> 00:13:09,290 Not a whimpering, obedience-school, 277 00:13:09,375 --> 00:13:12,535 show-up-late-for-the-final-exam, haven't-been-there-all-semester, 278 00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,325 kick-your-legs kind of nightmare, 279 00:13:14,417 --> 00:13:15,877 but a nightmare nonetheless. 280 00:13:15,959 --> 00:13:17,669 Maybe it was all a bad dream. 281 00:13:17,750 --> 00:13:18,920 None of it happened. 282 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:20,960 There is no square-dance showcase! 283 00:13:21,041 --> 00:13:22,461 I'm not dancing with Leslie! 284 00:13:22,542 --> 00:13:23,882 My palms were never sweaty. 285 00:13:23,959 --> 00:13:25,919 Rise and shine! 286 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,880 Got a great big surprise for my great big square-dancing boy! 287 00:13:29,125 --> 00:13:32,625 Hey, maybe this is a hackie, clichéd psycho-thriller film, 288 00:13:32,709 --> 00:13:35,039 and you'll wake up a second time. 289 00:13:35,125 --> 00:13:37,245 Do-si-do your tush out of the bed! 290 00:13:37,333 --> 00:13:38,753 Nope, it's reality. 291 00:13:38,834 --> 00:13:41,084 So, what do you think, honey? 292 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:45,170 Isn't it the bee's knees? 293 00:13:45,250 --> 00:13:46,080 Uh... 294 00:13:46,166 --> 00:13:47,996 And look-- I made you a matching shirt 295 00:13:48,083 --> 00:13:49,673 from the leftover material. 296 00:13:49,750 --> 00:13:51,540 Ha ha-- waste not, want not. 297 00:13:51,625 --> 00:13:53,915 Mom, how could you do such a thing? 298 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:57,000 I thought matching homemade outfits would be nice. 299 00:13:57,083 --> 00:13:59,883 Only geeks wear homemade square-dancing shirts! 300 00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:03,170 Oh, Tallulah... 301 00:14:03,250 --> 00:14:05,000 Only the coolest people 302 00:14:05,083 --> 00:14:08,043 wear homemade square-dancing shirts. 303 00:14:08,125 --> 00:14:13,325 Oh, Mr. Jolly-wolly, I almost forgot your treat! 304 00:14:15,208 --> 00:14:18,418 Remember, you can't have this stuff! 305 00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:21,000 I know I shouldn't drink it, 306 00:14:21,083 --> 00:14:22,923 but it's sitting there right in front of me, 307 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,210 calling to me-- it's begging me to drink it! 308 00:14:25,291 --> 00:14:26,421 I can't let you. 309 00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:29,080 You know what it will do to your stomach-- and my ears! 310 00:14:29,166 --> 00:14:31,036 Those horrible, offensive sounds! 311 00:14:31,125 --> 00:14:32,455 But look at me! 312 00:14:32,542 --> 00:14:35,382 I'm wasting away. I'm just skin and bones! 313 00:14:35,458 --> 00:14:36,458 You're skin and fat. 314 00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:38,832 Get out of the way, 315 00:14:38,917 --> 00:14:40,627 or I'll go right through you! 316 00:14:40,709 --> 00:14:41,959 That's it. 317 00:14:42,041 --> 00:14:44,961 I have no recourse but to revert to aversion therapy. 318 00:14:45,041 --> 00:14:47,631 This is gonna hurt you more than it's going to hurt me! 319 00:14:53,125 --> 00:14:55,325 What do you think of your precious milk now?! 320 00:14:55,417 --> 00:14:56,667 It's bathwater! 321 00:14:56,750 --> 00:14:58,960 You want to drink feather-soaked bathwater?! 322 00:14:59,041 --> 00:15:00,291 It's disgusting! 323 00:15:02,250 --> 00:15:04,920 Hey, why are you looking at me that way? 324 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,250 Get away from me! 325 00:15:06,333 --> 00:15:08,133 Aaaaah! 326 00:15:13,166 --> 00:15:15,036 Okey-dokey, Principal Strickler, 327 00:15:15,125 --> 00:15:16,165 we're ready to rehearse. 328 00:15:16,250 --> 00:15:18,040 Excellent, Mrs. Helperman. 329 00:15:18,125 --> 00:15:19,785 You can do this, Leonard. 330 00:15:19,875 --> 00:15:22,165 You are a picture of confidence. 331 00:15:22,250 --> 00:15:23,750 Say, "I'm confident." 332 00:15:23,834 --> 00:15:24,794 I'm confident. 333 00:15:24,875 --> 00:15:25,955 Confident... 334 00:15:26,041 --> 00:15:27,881 I'm confident. I'm-- 335 00:15:27,959 --> 00:15:30,079 Sweating like a pig. 336 00:15:30,208 --> 00:15:31,668 Ugh. 337 00:15:31,750 --> 00:15:35,170 Okay. Plan "B"-- we attack the symptoms. 338 00:15:39,125 --> 00:15:40,325 This should keep your hands dry... 339 00:15:40,417 --> 00:15:43,287 And springtime fresh, hour after hour, 340 00:15:43,375 --> 00:15:45,955 because you are a woman on the go. 341 00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:49,500 Sorry. It's your mother's antiperspirant. 342 00:15:49,583 --> 00:15:50,713 I was in a bind. 343 00:15:50,792 --> 00:15:52,962 What the heck-- you're in the pits anyway. 344 00:16:00,041 --> 00:16:02,001 Oh, no-- clammy hands! 345 00:16:03,834 --> 00:16:06,924 Plan "C"-- hypnosis. 346 00:16:08,875 --> 00:16:11,495 Look deep into my eyes. 347 00:16:11,583 --> 00:16:13,293 You are sleepy. 348 00:16:13,375 --> 00:16:16,535 You're not in Mrs. Helperman's fourth-grade classroom. 349 00:16:16,625 --> 00:16:18,915 You're in the foreign legion, marching-- 350 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,080 marching in the dry desert heat. 351 00:16:21,166 --> 00:16:23,916 Sapped of every ounce of liquid, you're parched. 352 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,540 When I snap my fingers, you will awaken, 353 00:16:26,625 --> 00:16:28,875 and your hands will be dry. 354 00:16:28,959 --> 00:16:30,209 Anything? 355 00:16:30,291 --> 00:16:31,421 Nope. 356 00:16:38,375 --> 00:16:40,955 Nothing's working. What am I gonna do? 357 00:16:41,041 --> 00:16:43,331 Hey, pal, don't get down on yourself. 358 00:16:43,417 --> 00:16:44,997 We're only up to plan "D." 359 00:16:45,083 --> 00:16:47,463 There's 26 letters in the alphabet. 360 00:16:47,542 --> 00:16:48,962 Ergo, 22 letters remain. 361 00:16:49,041 --> 00:16:51,381 I don't have time for 22 plans. 362 00:16:51,458 --> 00:16:52,958 The dance is tomorrow! 363 00:16:52,959 --> 00:16:54,169 That's okay. 364 00:16:54,250 --> 00:16:57,000 I couldn't come up with 22 plans anyway. 365 00:16:57,083 --> 00:16:58,333 I do have one plan. 366 00:16:58,417 --> 00:17:00,827 I was saving it for last. 367 00:17:00,917 --> 00:17:02,707 It's crazy, but... 368 00:17:02,792 --> 00:17:05,132 Just crazy enough to work. 369 00:17:05,208 --> 00:17:06,878 What is it? I'll try anything. 370 00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:08,249 It's called the truth. 371 00:17:08,333 --> 00:17:11,003 You're gonna have to face Leslie and tell her the truth, 372 00:17:11,083 --> 00:17:13,213 the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. 373 00:17:13,291 --> 00:17:14,921 That's your plan? 374 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:18,830 "I'm a sweaty-palmed, square-dancing freak." 375 00:17:18,917 --> 00:17:21,287 Not exactly the words I'd use, 376 00:17:21,375 --> 00:17:22,375 but you get the gist. 377 00:17:32,625 --> 00:17:36,205 Oh, everybody looks so hoedownedly dapper! 378 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,960 Whoa, partner! Let me corral that cowlick. 379 00:17:43,291 --> 00:17:44,331 Mom! 380 00:17:44,542 --> 00:17:46,132 Scott, what a cute shirt. 381 00:17:46,208 --> 00:17:47,288 It matches my dress. 382 00:17:47,375 --> 00:17:50,705 You have the same taste in western wear that I do. 383 00:17:50,792 --> 00:17:52,712 Places, everyone! 384 00:17:53,792 --> 00:17:55,882 Listen, son, I know you're nervous, scared, 385 00:17:55,959 --> 00:17:57,999 got a lot riding on your shoulders, 386 00:17:58,083 --> 00:18:00,133 feel like you wanna crawl into a hole and die. 387 00:18:00,208 --> 00:18:02,958 So I'm gonna tell you what my principal said to me 388 00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:04,501 the first time I stepped out 389 00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:06,753 in front of a square-dancing crowd. 390 00:18:06,834 --> 00:18:07,794 I think it'll help. 391 00:18:07,875 --> 00:18:09,415 Mess this up, 392 00:18:09,500 --> 00:18:12,750 and I'll hold you back for the next six years! 393 00:18:16,750 --> 00:18:18,000 Remember, Leonard, 394 00:18:18,083 --> 00:18:20,633 the truth shall set you free. 395 00:18:20,709 --> 00:18:21,879 This may sound strange 396 00:18:21,959 --> 00:18:24,079 coming from a dog pretending to be a boy, 397 00:18:24,166 --> 00:18:27,126 but until you let the world see you as you really are, 398 00:18:27,208 --> 00:18:28,418 sweaty palms and all, 399 00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:29,920 you'll never be happy. 400 00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,830 I guess you're right. 401 00:18:32,917 --> 00:18:35,037 I've gotta tell the truth. 402 00:18:35,125 --> 00:18:37,035 I've got to tell the truth. 403 00:18:37,125 --> 00:18:40,125 Leslie...I have something to tell you. 404 00:18:40,208 --> 00:18:42,578 Leonard, I have something to tell you. 405 00:18:42,667 --> 00:18:44,877 You do? 406 00:18:44,959 --> 00:18:48,169 The reason I never wanted to hold your hands is... 407 00:18:48,250 --> 00:18:49,880 Because I'm embarrassed. 408 00:18:49,959 --> 00:18:52,709 I-I never danced with a boy before, 409 00:18:52,792 --> 00:18:54,712 and my hands got all sweaty. 410 00:18:54,792 --> 00:18:57,542 I thought you would think I was yucky. 411 00:18:57,625 --> 00:18:58,915 You? Yucky? 412 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,750 Oh, no, Leslie. I'm yucky. 413 00:19:01,834 --> 00:19:03,634 I'm the yuckiest kid in the class. 414 00:19:03,709 --> 00:19:04,999 The reason I avoided holding your hand 415 00:19:05,083 --> 00:19:07,083 is 'cause my hands are sweaty. 416 00:19:07,166 --> 00:19:09,536 You're not just saying that to be nice, 417 00:19:09,625 --> 00:19:11,245 are you, Leonard Helperman? 418 00:19:11,333 --> 00:19:13,463 No, my hands are really sweaty. 419 00:19:13,542 --> 00:19:15,042 I've tried everything, 420 00:19:15,125 --> 00:19:18,245 but I guess I'm so nervous, my hands just sweat. 421 00:19:18,333 --> 00:19:19,793 Mine too! 422 00:19:19,875 --> 00:19:21,035 -Yay! -Yay! 423 00:19:21,125 --> 00:19:22,455 Ha ha! Yeah! 424 00:19:22,542 --> 00:19:23,672 Can you believe it? 425 00:19:23,750 --> 00:19:25,670 I'm not the only one with sweaty palms. 426 00:19:25,750 --> 00:19:27,000 Leslie's got them, too. 427 00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:29,543 I guess you've learned something important, Leonard. 428 00:19:29,625 --> 00:19:31,785 In that sea of sweat, there is an island, 429 00:19:31,875 --> 00:19:34,785 and that island is called "you are not alone." 430 00:19:34,875 --> 00:19:38,825 Perhaps now you'll understand why no man is an island. 431 00:19:42,959 --> 00:19:45,579 Ladies and gentlemen, fellow principals, 432 00:19:45,667 --> 00:19:48,287 I present the East Westland fourth graders 433 00:19:48,375 --> 00:19:49,995 of Mrs. Helperman's class, 434 00:19:50,083 --> 00:19:53,713 who will demonstrate a classic American folk tradition-- 435 00:19:53,792 --> 00:19:54,962 the square dance! 436 00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:11,245 Reach for their hand 437 00:20:11,333 --> 00:20:12,463 Beat of the band 438 00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:20,207 You're finished, Scott Leadready II! 439 00:20:20,291 --> 00:20:23,921 Behold the wrath of Ian Wazselewski's scorn! 440 00:20:24,625 --> 00:20:26,325 She's full of germs 441 00:20:26,417 --> 00:20:28,577 Bunch of worms 442 00:20:36,625 --> 00:20:39,205 Just give him a push 443 00:20:44,125 --> 00:20:47,125 Keep dancing. 444 00:20:47,208 --> 00:20:49,498 The show must go on! 445 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,040 Son, you are gifted. 446 00:21:02,125 --> 00:21:04,785 Never before have I witnessed such an exquisite call. 447 00:21:04,875 --> 00:21:08,955 You have a brilliant future in the dance we call "square"! 448 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:13,540 Be strong, Jolly. 449 00:21:13,625 --> 00:21:15,535 Ugh! Ugh! I want it. 450 00:21:15,625 --> 00:21:19,375 But I mustn't! Oh, please give me strength! 451 00:21:28,583 --> 00:21:31,633 Oh, dearie-- he really doesn't like it. 452 00:21:31,709 --> 00:21:34,289 I guess my little soy milk experiment didn't work. 453 00:21:34,375 --> 00:21:36,785 Soy milk? Are you kidding me? 454 00:21:36,875 --> 00:21:39,035 No wonder my tummy was upset. 455 00:21:39,125 --> 00:21:41,415 I don't drink milk from beans. 456 00:21:44,875 --> 00:21:46,075 Moo! 457 00:21:46,166 --> 00:21:50,036 Ah, ambrosia-- sweet nectar of the gods! 458 00:21:51,625 --> 00:21:53,495 Mmm. 459 00:21:53,583 --> 00:21:56,173 Nothing-- not a sound. 460 00:21:56,250 --> 00:21:58,750 Whoo-hoo! Hallelujah! 461 00:21:58,834 --> 00:22:00,714 Peace at last! 462 00:22:03,500 --> 00:22:05,830 Well, guess we'll have to get that extra weight 463 00:22:05,917 --> 00:22:07,997 off my little purry-wurry with a diet. 464 00:22:08,083 --> 00:22:09,753 Huh? 465 00:22:09,834 --> 00:22:12,084 Ohh!