1 00:00:00,354 --> 00:00:01,479 ♪ Born on the wrong end Of the leash ♪ 2 00:00:01,563 --> 00:00:04,104 -♪ He was a dreamer ♪ -♪ And a little schemer ♪ 3 00:00:04,187 --> 00:00:05,813 ♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪ 4 00:00:05,896 --> 00:00:07,438 ♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪ 5 00:00:07,521 --> 00:00:08,354 ♪ He'd start to drool ♪ 6 00:00:08,438 --> 00:00:10,146 -♪ One day he says ♪ -♪ I'll take a chance ♪ 7 00:00:10,229 --> 00:00:11,855 ♪ Trades his leash For a pair of pants ♪ 8 00:00:11,938 --> 00:00:14,229 ♪ In a glance, school becomes His favorite pastime ♪ 9 00:00:14,312 --> 00:00:16,604 ♪ I have buried a bone For the last time ♪ 10 00:00:16,688 --> 00:00:18,312 -♪ He says ♪ -♪ I want to be a boy ♪ 11 00:00:18,396 --> 00:00:19,646 ♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪ 12 00:00:19,730 --> 00:00:21,146 ♪ He's so over just being rover ♪ 13 00:00:21,229 --> 00:00:22,604 ♪ I gotta be a boy ♪ 14 00:00:22,688 --> 00:00:25,062 ♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪ 15 00:00:25,146 --> 00:00:26,688 ♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪ 16 00:00:26,771 --> 00:00:28,438 ♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪ 17 00:00:28,521 --> 00:00:30,980 Why can't I be a normal kid like any other? 18 00:00:31,062 --> 00:00:33,146 Now, doodle bug, listen to mother. 19 00:00:33,229 --> 00:00:34,938 ♪ I want to be a boy ♪ 20 00:00:35,021 --> 00:00:36,938 I hate dogs. 21 00:00:37,021 --> 00:00:39,479 ♪ I gotta be a boy ♪ 22 00:00:39,563 --> 00:00:41,479 ♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪ 23 00:00:41,563 --> 00:00:43,521 I do not wish to be a dog. 24 00:00:43,604 --> 00:00:46,104 ♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪ 25 00:00:46,187 --> 00:00:47,521 ♪ I got to be a boy ♪ 26 00:00:47,604 --> 00:00:49,104 ♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪ 27 00:00:49,187 --> 00:00:52,229 ♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪ 28 00:00:52,312 --> 00:00:54,146 Yes! 29 00:01:05,187 --> 00:01:06,271 [bow fires] 30 00:01:06,354 --> 00:01:07,354 [Leonard] Ow. 31 00:01:21,771 --> 00:01:23,396 Dear Leslie... 32 00:01:23,479 --> 00:01:26,146 From your secret admirer. 33 00:01:26,229 --> 00:01:29,187 Love, Leonard. 34 00:01:29,271 --> 00:01:31,146 Uh, Leonard? 35 00:01:31,229 --> 00:01:34,938 The rule is, secret valentines are supposed to be... secret. 36 00:01:35,021 --> 00:01:36,312 [laughs] 37 00:01:36,396 --> 00:01:39,813 Perhaps if you sign it "Your secret admirer... not Leonard," 38 00:01:39,896 --> 00:01:41,062 it'll throw her off. 39 00:01:41,146 --> 00:01:42,813 This is hard. 40 00:01:42,896 --> 00:01:46,312 The eternal Valentine dilemma-- 41 00:01:46,396 --> 00:01:47,479 plant clues in case she likes you, 42 00:01:47,563 --> 00:01:49,563 but keep them vague enough for credible denial 43 00:01:49,646 --> 00:01:50,730 in case she doesn't. 44 00:01:50,813 --> 00:01:54,521 Such a slender tightrope St. Valentine has strung. 45 00:01:54,604 --> 00:01:55,646 Maybe I'll pretend to be sick tomorrow. 46 00:01:55,730 --> 00:01:58,980 What? And miss Valentine's Day at school-- are you kidding?! 47 00:01:59,062 --> 00:02:02,563 You and Tyler are gonna get all the girls' cards anyway. 48 00:02:02,646 --> 00:02:04,187 It's not a contest, Leonard. 49 00:02:04,271 --> 00:02:06,521 It doesn't matter how many you get. 50 00:02:06,604 --> 00:02:08,688 How many does Tyler usually get? 51 00:02:08,771 --> 00:02:10,855 You know, just out of curiosity. 52 00:02:10,938 --> 00:02:13,521 I'd be happy just to get one-- from anybody. 53 00:02:13,604 --> 00:02:16,604 Leonard Helperman not getting any valentines? 54 00:02:16,688 --> 00:02:17,604 Impossible! 55 00:02:17,688 --> 00:02:18,855 You're popular. 56 00:02:18,938 --> 00:02:21,479 Maybe not in the "I'm popular" sense, 57 00:02:21,563 --> 00:02:23,604 but in the sense that kids say, 58 00:02:23,688 --> 00:02:26,604 "Gee, Leonard's not the most popular, but we still like him." 59 00:02:29,104 --> 00:02:32,646 Eh...ooh, here's a road I wish I hadn't gone down. 60 00:02:40,855 --> 00:02:41,896 Hello! 61 00:02:41,980 --> 00:02:43,354 Future wife, 9:00. 62 00:02:51,021 --> 00:02:52,896 I'm gonna write her a Valentine! 63 00:02:52,980 --> 00:02:55,813 You think she'll even come back? 64 00:02:55,896 --> 00:02:57,604 Oh, she'll come back. 65 00:02:57,688 --> 00:03:01,521 I seen a lot of pigeons in my time, 66 00:03:01,604 --> 00:03:06,146 but you got the best set of tail feath-- 67 00:03:06,229 --> 00:03:07,938 you can't write that. 68 00:03:08,062 --> 00:03:10,271 Women like to be wooed. 69 00:03:10,354 --> 00:03:11,813 Write this-- 70 00:03:11,896 --> 00:03:14,980 "Your eyes are pools I could drown in." 71 00:03:15,062 --> 00:03:15,980 Me, drown? 72 00:03:16,062 --> 00:03:18,104 You fall into the catnip again? 73 00:03:18,187 --> 00:03:19,229 It's a metaphor. 74 00:03:19,312 --> 00:03:21,479 You wouldn't literally be drowning. 75 00:03:21,563 --> 00:03:23,354 So, I should lie to the woman? 76 00:03:23,438 --> 00:03:24,312 That's your advice? 77 00:03:24,396 --> 00:03:26,730 Ooh, I need a good place to hide these. 78 00:03:26,813 --> 00:03:28,730 Look at all the valentines. 79 00:03:28,813 --> 00:03:30,938 Aren't you the busy romantic? 80 00:03:31,021 --> 00:03:32,980 They're all for Leonard. 81 00:03:33,062 --> 00:03:34,271 Sending valentines to Lenny? 82 00:03:34,354 --> 00:03:36,396 Easy, fella. They're secret valentines. 83 00:03:36,479 --> 00:03:38,396 He won't know they're all from me. 84 00:03:38,479 --> 00:03:40,813 It's unseemly is all I'm sayin'. 85 00:03:40,896 --> 00:03:43,354 I want to make sure Leonard gets a lot of cards this year. 86 00:03:43,438 --> 00:03:45,521 He's my master and my best friend. 87 00:03:45,604 --> 00:03:47,604 It's my job to look out for him. 88 00:03:52,604 --> 00:03:55,438 If he's ever gonna win the heart of Leslie, he needs confidence. 89 00:03:55,521 --> 00:03:57,855 And nothing builds confidence like thinking you're popular. 90 00:03:57,938 --> 00:03:59,229 You are so smart. 91 00:03:59,312 --> 00:04:02,229 Spot Helperman, I wish I was your master 92 00:04:02,312 --> 00:04:05,146 so you could do things like this for me. 93 00:04:05,229 --> 00:04:07,938 Okay, now you're both gettin' weird. 94 00:04:10,521 --> 00:04:11,604 And... done. 95 00:04:11,688 --> 00:04:13,813 "How's 'bout a birdbath?" 96 00:04:13,896 --> 00:04:14,938 That's it? 97 00:04:15,021 --> 00:04:16,521 Short and sweet. 98 00:04:16,604 --> 00:04:19,312 She'll never write back if you send this! 99 00:04:19,396 --> 00:04:21,312 It's not romantic at all. 100 00:04:21,396 --> 00:04:22,855 Romantic, schmomantic. 101 00:04:22,938 --> 00:04:24,771 Babes like guys who are honest. 102 00:04:24,855 --> 00:04:27,396 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to puff up my feathers 103 00:04:27,479 --> 00:04:29,604 so she'll think I have muscles. 104 00:04:29,688 --> 00:04:31,312 [squeak] 105 00:04:35,604 --> 00:04:38,438 [indistinct talking] 106 00:04:38,521 --> 00:04:40,646 You look all waxed and polished today, Ian. 107 00:04:40,730 --> 00:04:43,938 Hey, how'd you know it was earwax? 108 00:04:44,021 --> 00:04:46,354 Uh... lucky guess. 109 00:04:46,438 --> 00:04:48,187 I suppose I could tell you, 110 00:04:48,271 --> 00:04:50,980 but you'd have to promise to keep it a secret. 111 00:04:51,062 --> 00:04:53,813 And if you tell, I will send worms to your house 112 00:04:53,896 --> 00:04:58,604 in the middle of the night to eat your eyeballs out. 113 00:04:58,688 --> 00:04:59,521 Uh-huh. 114 00:04:59,604 --> 00:05:01,021 Maybe you shouldn't tell me then, 115 00:05:01,104 --> 00:05:02,896 just in case there's some clerical mix-up. 116 00:05:02,980 --> 00:05:05,813 I'm gonna ask Ruth to go steady after school 117 00:05:05,896 --> 00:05:08,021 and give her a heart. 118 00:05:08,104 --> 00:05:10,021 It's a real one from the butcher stop. 119 00:05:10,104 --> 00:05:11,479 Do you think she'll like it? 120 00:05:11,563 --> 00:05:12,479 [laughs] 121 00:05:12,563 --> 00:05:14,438 Oh, she's one lucky girl. 122 00:05:14,521 --> 00:05:16,187 Is she in school today? 123 00:05:16,271 --> 00:05:17,479 She's over there. 124 00:05:17,563 --> 00:05:20,187 Okay, maybe she's not so lucky. 125 00:05:20,271 --> 00:05:21,438 So, excited? 126 00:05:21,521 --> 00:05:24,104 It's V-day-- the big "V." 127 00:05:24,187 --> 00:05:25,730 "V" for victory. 128 00:05:25,813 --> 00:05:26,980 Why would I be excited? 129 00:05:27,062 --> 00:05:29,438 This could be the most embarrassing day of my life. 130 00:05:29,521 --> 00:05:31,563 What if I don't get a card from anybody? 131 00:05:31,646 --> 00:05:33,521 Leslie will never like me then. 132 00:05:33,604 --> 00:05:35,646 Who wants to like a guy nobody else likes? 133 00:05:35,730 --> 00:05:37,229 I should have stayed home. 134 00:05:37,312 --> 00:05:39,771 Relax, you're gonna get a bunch of cards. 135 00:05:39,855 --> 00:05:43,396 In fact, all the girls are stealing secret glances at you. 136 00:05:43,479 --> 00:05:45,354 [whispering] 137 00:05:45,438 --> 00:05:46,479 I don't see any. 138 00:05:46,563 --> 00:05:47,646 Of course you don't. 139 00:05:47,730 --> 00:05:49,354 That's why they're called "secret." 140 00:05:49,438 --> 00:05:51,604 Trust me-- today's the day they've been waiting for-- 141 00:05:51,688 --> 00:05:53,938 when they can express their true feelings. 142 00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:56,312 And when Leslie sees how popular you are, 143 00:05:56,396 --> 00:05:58,229 she'll quickly declare her love. 144 00:06:00,855 --> 00:06:02,938 [bell rings] 145 00:06:03,021 --> 00:06:05,438 Good morning, class. 146 00:06:05,521 --> 00:06:08,396 Now, before we hand out our secret valentines, 147 00:06:08,479 --> 00:06:10,146 I thought it'd be a fun idea 148 00:06:10,229 --> 00:06:13,688 to learn a little history about St. Valentine first. 149 00:06:13,771 --> 00:06:14,980 [all exclaim] 150 00:06:15,062 --> 00:06:18,312 Which one of my supersmart students can quickly tell us 151 00:06:18,396 --> 00:06:19,563 who St. Valentine was? 152 00:06:19,646 --> 00:06:22,771 [crickets chirping] 153 00:06:22,855 --> 00:06:26,354 Well, we can't hand out the cards until someone tries. 154 00:06:26,438 --> 00:06:27,896 St. Valentine's day derives from 155 00:06:27,980 --> 00:06:29,354 the ancient Roman feast of Lupercalia 156 00:06:29,479 --> 00:06:32,563 and is associated with two Roman martyrs, both named Valentine. Done! 157 00:06:32,646 --> 00:06:33,730 Okey-dokey, go! 158 00:06:48,938 --> 00:06:50,896 How many cards did you get, Tyler? 159 00:06:50,980 --> 00:06:52,479 12. 160 00:06:52,563 --> 00:06:54,146 [Ian] Wow, 12! 161 00:06:54,229 --> 00:06:55,813 That's a lot! 162 00:06:55,896 --> 00:06:57,396 How many'd you get, Scott? 163 00:06:57,479 --> 00:06:58,396 Only 10. 164 00:06:58,479 --> 00:07:00,396 Congratulations, Tyler. 165 00:07:00,479 --> 00:07:03,521 Not that it's a contest or anything, but if it was, 166 00:07:03,604 --> 00:07:06,855 it'd certainly take someone a lot more popular than me 167 00:07:06,938 --> 00:07:07,896 to beat 12. 168 00:07:07,980 --> 00:07:10,062 Say, how many did you get, Leonard? 169 00:07:10,146 --> 00:07:13,563 13... 14... 15. 170 00:07:16,896 --> 00:07:19,396 You got 15 cards? No way! 171 00:07:19,479 --> 00:07:20,938 Let me see those. 172 00:07:23,980 --> 00:07:26,521 Leonard got more than Tyler! 173 00:07:27,688 --> 00:07:29,312 So, what's your secret, dude? 174 00:07:29,396 --> 00:07:31,604 Yeah, dude, how do you get girls to like you? 175 00:07:31,688 --> 00:07:33,062 If I were to speculate, 176 00:07:33,146 --> 00:07:35,479 it's the way Leonard carries himself-- 177 00:07:35,563 --> 00:07:37,604 his cool demeanor, the cut of his jib. 178 00:07:37,688 --> 00:07:38,563 Cut of his jib. 179 00:07:38,646 --> 00:07:39,646 Cool demeanor. 180 00:07:39,730 --> 00:07:41,021 Gotta get a jib. 181 00:07:41,104 --> 00:07:43,187 Hey, what about stealing a girl's notebook 182 00:07:43,271 --> 00:07:44,563 so she has to talk to you? 183 00:07:44,646 --> 00:07:46,271 Gentlemen, Leonard's appeal 184 00:07:46,354 --> 00:07:48,980 is not the result of silly, calculated actions. 185 00:07:49,062 --> 00:07:52,604 If you were to ask Chelsea or Leslie or Younghee or-- 186 00:07:52,688 --> 00:07:54,271 did I mention Leslie? 187 00:07:54,354 --> 00:07:56,521 They'd all say, including Leslie, 188 00:07:56,604 --> 00:07:59,229 that Leonard has something special. 189 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:02,521 Maybe it's his shy innocence or his boyish good looks. 190 00:08:02,604 --> 00:08:03,855 Who's to say? 191 00:08:03,938 --> 00:08:06,604 The point is, he's popular because of who he is, 192 00:08:06,688 --> 00:08:08,396 not simply what he does. 193 00:08:08,479 --> 00:08:10,396 But the notebook thing could work, right? 194 00:08:12,104 --> 00:08:13,521 Where you going, Ian? 195 00:08:13,604 --> 00:08:15,354 To give Ruth her gift. 196 00:08:15,438 --> 00:08:16,521 Yeah, about that-- 197 00:08:16,604 --> 00:08:19,479 I don't think that gift is such a good idea. 198 00:08:19,563 --> 00:08:20,688 Shh! Here she comes. 199 00:08:20,771 --> 00:08:22,479 Ahem. Here, Ruth. 200 00:08:22,563 --> 00:08:26,146 I got a Valentine's present for you. 201 00:08:26,229 --> 00:08:28,354 Ian, you shouldn't have. 202 00:08:28,438 --> 00:08:30,187 That's what I tried to tell him. 203 00:08:31,438 --> 00:08:33,521 This is so nice! 204 00:08:33,646 --> 00:08:34,771 It is? 205 00:08:35,271 --> 00:08:39,312 They're chocolates for the sweetest person I know. 206 00:08:39,396 --> 00:08:41,187 They all have bite marks. 207 00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:42,354 Well, duh! 208 00:08:42,438 --> 00:08:45,354 I had to taste them to know which ones were which. 209 00:08:45,438 --> 00:08:49,062 You know, my pet worms like the coconut-filled the best. 210 00:08:49,146 --> 00:08:50,271 Ew! 211 00:08:50,354 --> 00:08:51,271 Ahh!! 212 00:08:51,354 --> 00:08:53,312 You don't like candy? 213 00:08:53,396 --> 00:08:55,062 I got another gift! 214 00:08:55,146 --> 00:08:56,146 Wait! 215 00:09:00,688 --> 00:09:01,938 We just counted. 216 00:09:02,021 --> 00:09:05,146 There's no way you could have gotten so many valentines. 217 00:09:05,229 --> 00:09:06,479 You counted? 218 00:09:06,563 --> 00:09:09,771 Look, this one has the same handwriting as this one... 219 00:09:09,855 --> 00:09:11,187 And this one. 220 00:09:11,271 --> 00:09:12,730 You made these yourself. 221 00:09:12,813 --> 00:09:15,354 Leonard sent valentines to himself. 222 00:09:15,479 --> 00:09:17,229 I didn't, I swear! 223 00:09:17,312 --> 00:09:20,396 [all] Yeah, loser! You forger! Oh, you're just wrong, man. 224 00:09:20,479 --> 00:09:22,855 Leonard's telling the truth. 225 00:09:26,396 --> 00:09:28,187 Well, look at the bright side-- 226 00:09:28,271 --> 00:09:30,855 the worst part of the day's probably behind you now. 227 00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:32,438 [snoring] 228 00:09:35,187 --> 00:09:38,438 Yahoo! Whoopee! 229 00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:41,312 "Let's get together. 230 00:09:41,396 --> 00:09:44,104 I've been looking to meet a bird like you." 231 00:09:44,187 --> 00:09:46,312 What's that I hear-- a cat apology? 232 00:09:46,396 --> 00:09:48,813 "The other birds I usually meet are lowlifes 233 00:09:48,896 --> 00:09:51,062 who ask me to take birdbaths with them." 234 00:09:51,146 --> 00:09:52,062 Huh? 235 00:09:52,146 --> 00:09:53,688 "But you're different. 236 00:09:53,771 --> 00:09:57,354 When you said you drown in my eyes, it was so romantic--" 237 00:09:57,438 --> 00:09:59,521 hold your horses. I didn't say-- 238 00:09:59,604 --> 00:10:01,104 you rewrote my letter. 239 00:10:01,187 --> 00:10:02,479 Yeah. 240 00:10:02,563 --> 00:10:05,229 I admit it was a risk, but she did write back. 241 00:10:05,312 --> 00:10:07,521 You can't rewrite a guy's letter. 242 00:10:07,604 --> 00:10:09,354 Yours would have insulted her. 243 00:10:09,438 --> 00:10:11,354 Mine got her interested. 244 00:10:11,438 --> 00:10:13,479 I was right, you were wrong. 245 00:10:13,563 --> 00:10:16,521 And if you're gonna have her believe you're the refined, 246 00:10:16,604 --> 00:10:18,813 romantic gentleman she obviously expects you to be, 247 00:10:18,896 --> 00:10:19,980 you need my help. 248 00:10:20,062 --> 00:10:21,938 A dumb cat's gonna help me with romance? 249 00:10:22,021 --> 00:10:23,354 I'm laughing. 250 00:10:23,438 --> 00:10:26,479 So, you know about corsages and boutonnieres? 251 00:10:26,563 --> 00:10:27,771 Boot-on-whats? 252 00:10:27,855 --> 00:10:29,563 Etiquette calls for the presentation 253 00:10:29,646 --> 00:10:32,104 of a small collection of flowers on the first date. 254 00:10:32,187 --> 00:10:33,563 You mean a clump of daisies? 255 00:10:33,646 --> 00:10:34,771 I knew to get that. 256 00:10:34,855 --> 00:10:37,146 Actually, roses are more appropriate, 257 00:10:37,229 --> 00:10:40,104 but if daisies are the message you want to send... 258 00:10:40,187 --> 00:10:42,354 Maybe roses-- I haven't decided. 259 00:10:42,438 --> 00:10:43,354 Uh-huh. 260 00:10:43,438 --> 00:10:44,646 Then I assume you know 261 00:10:44,730 --> 00:10:46,730 that different colors send different messages. 262 00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:48,521 It'd be a pity to make the mistake 263 00:10:48,604 --> 00:10:50,021 of presenting her with white roses 264 00:10:50,104 --> 00:10:53,312 since they have traditionally come to symbolize sympathy. 265 00:10:53,396 --> 00:10:55,688 I would also stay away from the yellow and peach tones, 266 00:10:55,771 --> 00:10:57,479 which are usually sent in friendship. 267 00:10:57,563 --> 00:10:59,187 There's always red, of course, 268 00:10:59,271 --> 00:11:02,855 but is the obvious choice always the best choice? 269 00:11:02,938 --> 00:11:05,271 I'm sure you won't embarrass yourself. 270 00:11:05,354 --> 00:11:07,980 Mnh-mnh-mnh. 271 00:11:08,062 --> 00:11:09,688 All right, you can help. 272 00:11:09,771 --> 00:11:11,855 First, you have to apologize. 273 00:11:11,938 --> 00:11:13,771 You called me a dumb cat. 274 00:11:13,855 --> 00:11:14,980 Apologize. 275 00:11:15,062 --> 00:11:17,312 Sorry you're a dumb cat. 276 00:11:17,396 --> 00:11:18,521 That's it. 277 00:11:18,604 --> 00:11:20,354 I'm kiddin'! I'm kiddin'! 278 00:11:20,438 --> 00:11:21,688 Okay, I'm sorry. 279 00:11:21,771 --> 00:11:22,980 Very well. 280 00:11:23,062 --> 00:11:25,563 First, we need to work on your diction. 281 00:11:25,646 --> 00:11:27,104 Oh, gimme a break. 282 00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,396 Ah-ah-ah-ah. 283 00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:31,479 It's not "gimme," it's "give me--" two words. 284 00:11:31,563 --> 00:11:35,146 Give me a break, you dumb cat. 285 00:11:35,229 --> 00:11:37,312 [squeaking] 286 00:11:45,646 --> 00:11:47,438 Psst. 287 00:11:47,521 --> 00:11:50,980 Leonard...uh, about those cards... 288 00:11:51,062 --> 00:11:52,312 I sorta know who made 'em. 289 00:11:52,396 --> 00:11:53,855 Who? 290 00:11:53,938 --> 00:11:56,479 First you have to promise not to get too mad at him-- 291 00:11:56,563 --> 00:11:57,646 or her. 292 00:11:57,730 --> 00:12:00,354 You mean the person who made me look like a dork 293 00:12:00,438 --> 00:12:02,146 in front of the whole school, 294 00:12:02,229 --> 00:12:05,354 who destroyed any chance I had to get Leslie to like me? 295 00:12:05,438 --> 00:12:07,271 [gulps] Yeah. That person. 296 00:12:07,354 --> 00:12:10,730 He-- or she-- was just trying to do a nice thing. 297 00:12:10,813 --> 00:12:12,062 Tell me who it is! 298 00:12:12,146 --> 00:12:13,646 They'd never have done it 299 00:12:13,730 --> 00:12:16,438 if they thought people would find out. 300 00:12:16,521 --> 00:12:17,938 I demand you tell me. 301 00:12:18,021 --> 00:12:20,021 Heh heh heh heh. 302 00:12:20,104 --> 00:12:21,730 You?! 303 00:12:21,813 --> 00:12:24,438 Leonard, is there something you want to say? 304 00:12:24,521 --> 00:12:28,813 Not out loud. Sorry. 305 00:12:28,896 --> 00:12:31,813 How could you-- why would you-- 306 00:12:31,896 --> 00:12:32,980 do you think I'm so pitiful 307 00:12:33,062 --> 00:12:34,604 that I needed someone to send me fake cards? 308 00:12:34,688 --> 00:12:36,688 I thought Leslie would like you more 309 00:12:36,771 --> 00:12:38,563 if she saw how popular you were. 310 00:12:38,646 --> 00:12:39,855 Fix it-- you hear me? 311 00:12:39,938 --> 00:12:42,563 At lunchtime-- you tell everybody at lunchtime. 312 00:12:42,646 --> 00:12:43,855 Say no more. 313 00:12:43,938 --> 00:12:46,438 And don't tell me when I can say something 314 00:12:46,521 --> 00:12:47,438 and when I can't. 315 00:12:47,521 --> 00:12:50,021 Uh, it's just that everyone's staring. 316 00:12:54,938 --> 00:12:57,104 So, you see... I did it. 317 00:12:57,187 --> 00:12:59,730 Leonard knew nothing about it. 318 00:13:00,021 --> 00:13:02,563 [indistinct talking] 319 00:13:02,646 --> 00:13:03,688 Thank you. 320 00:13:03,771 --> 00:13:06,813 I told you I'd set everything straight. 321 00:13:06,896 --> 00:13:09,354 Leonard, you are such a loser. 322 00:13:09,438 --> 00:13:11,896 First you send yourself fake valentines. 323 00:13:11,980 --> 00:13:14,938 Now you ask Scott to lie to get you out of it? 324 00:13:15,021 --> 00:13:16,021 He's not lying! 325 00:13:16,104 --> 00:13:18,021 We saw you whispering in class. 326 00:13:18,104 --> 00:13:19,396 You have it all wrong. 327 00:13:19,479 --> 00:13:21,104 And you're the coolest. 328 00:13:21,187 --> 00:13:23,479 Leonard didn't-- I'm the coolest? 329 00:13:23,563 --> 00:13:27,187 You were willing to look like a fool to help your friend. 330 00:13:27,271 --> 00:13:30,980 I'm gonna make my peanut-butter sandwich into a heart shape 331 00:13:31,062 --> 00:13:32,438 and give it to you. 332 00:13:32,521 --> 00:13:36,062 Oh. That's very kind, Chelsea, and certainly original, 333 00:13:36,146 --> 00:13:39,521 but if I could just clear Leonard's name first-- 334 00:13:39,604 --> 00:13:41,980 I'm gonna make you a Valentine, too, 335 00:13:42,062 --> 00:13:45,479 out of paper napkins and my silver-sparkle lip gloss. 336 00:13:46,563 --> 00:13:49,855 I'm gonna use every color in the 64-crayon box. 337 00:13:51,896 --> 00:13:53,646 Don't worry. I have a plan. 338 00:13:53,730 --> 00:13:56,438 You had a plan. That's how I ended up here. 339 00:13:56,521 --> 00:13:57,938 [girls giggling] 340 00:14:01,938 --> 00:14:05,104 Your feathers are soft like milk. 341 00:14:05,187 --> 00:14:06,730 Not milk-- silk. 342 00:14:06,813 --> 00:14:08,604 That makes no sense. 343 00:14:08,688 --> 00:14:10,104 It's romantic. 344 00:14:10,187 --> 00:14:11,521 Give me a break! 345 00:14:11,604 --> 00:14:13,271 Ooh! Here she comes! 346 00:14:13,354 --> 00:14:16,813 Remember-- only say what I tell you. 347 00:14:18,813 --> 00:14:21,521 Not the sharpest tool in the shed, is she? 348 00:14:23,604 --> 00:14:26,396 Looks like that hurt. I should kiss it and make it-- 349 00:14:26,479 --> 00:14:27,521 ouch! 350 00:14:27,604 --> 00:14:28,479 That hurt! 351 00:14:28,563 --> 00:14:30,646 Do you want to ruin everything? 352 00:14:30,730 --> 00:14:32,855 Only say what I tell you to say. 353 00:14:32,938 --> 00:14:35,563 Start with, "you're more beautiful up close 354 00:14:35,646 --> 00:14:38,146 than I ever dreamed--" quick, say it. 355 00:14:38,229 --> 00:14:41,354 You're more beautiful than I thought-- 356 00:14:41,438 --> 00:14:42,813 I mean, dreamed. 357 00:14:42,896 --> 00:14:46,479 Well, aren't you sweet? I'm Peppermint. 358 00:14:46,563 --> 00:14:48,563 Pretty Boy Helperman at your service. 359 00:14:48,646 --> 00:14:52,980 Pretty boy Helperman at your service! 360 00:14:53,062 --> 00:14:54,563 Give her the flowers! Give her the flowers! 361 00:15:06,688 --> 00:15:07,813 Don't pick Leonard. 362 00:15:07,896 --> 00:15:09,855 He'll probably choose himself anyway. 363 00:15:09,938 --> 00:15:11,271 [all laugh] 364 00:15:21,730 --> 00:15:24,646 We pick [laughs] the tree. 365 00:15:27,354 --> 00:15:28,354 Sorry I'm late. 366 00:15:28,438 --> 00:15:31,146 The FBI's crime lab was busier than usual. 367 00:15:31,229 --> 00:15:33,396 I've come to clear Leonard's good name. 368 00:15:33,479 --> 00:15:36,688 Can't it wait until after kickball? 369 00:15:36,771 --> 00:15:39,771 Kickball?! Ooh! I love kickball! 370 00:15:39,855 --> 00:15:42,229 Hmm...but, no, it can't wait. 371 00:15:42,312 --> 00:15:45,938 So, how do I intend to clear his name, you may ask? 372 00:15:47,563 --> 00:15:50,271 It was gonna be a rhetorical question anyway. 373 00:15:50,354 --> 00:15:53,146 Exhibit "A"-- a magnified spectrum-analysis print 374 00:15:53,229 --> 00:15:55,521 showing none of Leonard's fingerprints 375 00:15:55,604 --> 00:15:57,521 on any of the Valentine's Day cards, 376 00:15:57,604 --> 00:15:59,730 proving without a shadow of a doubt 377 00:15:59,813 --> 00:16:01,938 that he could not have written them 378 00:16:02,021 --> 00:16:03,938 unless he did so with his feet. 379 00:16:04,021 --> 00:16:06,730 Exhibit "B"-- a magnified spectrum-analysis print 380 00:16:06,813 --> 00:16:08,855 showing none of Leonard's feet. 381 00:16:08,938 --> 00:16:12,062 [gasps] Maybe he used his feet-- ever think of that? 382 00:16:12,146 --> 00:16:14,062 You're one step behind us, Ian. 383 00:16:14,146 --> 00:16:17,146 That doesn't prove anything. Maybe he wore gloves-- 384 00:16:17,229 --> 00:16:19,980 like those dudes in those really cool movies. 385 00:16:20,062 --> 00:16:23,146 Yeah! Or like when my mom does dishes! 386 00:16:23,229 --> 00:16:26,855 Or when the cafeteria lady scoops out mashed potatoes. 387 00:16:26,938 --> 00:16:28,563 Okay, I see your point. 388 00:16:28,646 --> 00:16:32,354 Oh! Oh! Maybe he had special polypropylene gloves 389 00:16:32,438 --> 00:16:33,730 made just for feet! 390 00:16:33,813 --> 00:16:36,521 Now you're two steps behind, Ian. 391 00:16:36,604 --> 00:16:39,438 All right! Time for the hard evidence. 392 00:16:39,521 --> 00:16:42,396 Allow me, then, to move on to exhibit "C." 393 00:16:42,479 --> 00:16:43,938 Someone pick a card-- 394 00:16:44,021 --> 00:16:46,938 Bogus! There's a hidden compartment in his hat. 395 00:16:47,021 --> 00:16:48,312 I know this trick. 396 00:16:48,396 --> 00:16:49,479 It's a beanie! 397 00:16:49,563 --> 00:16:51,896 You're now officially three steps behind 398 00:16:51,980 --> 00:16:53,521 and not allowed to talk. 399 00:16:53,604 --> 00:16:55,271 [hisses] 400 00:16:55,354 --> 00:16:57,271 "Happy Valentine's Day. 401 00:16:57,354 --> 00:17:01,771 I wish we were on an island, just you and I." 402 00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:05,438 There it is-- proof that Leonard did not write this card. 403 00:17:06,730 --> 00:17:08,479 Let me elucidate. 404 00:17:08,563 --> 00:17:10,438 Would anyone care to comment 405 00:17:10,521 --> 00:17:13,104 on the author's stunningly grammatical use 406 00:17:13,187 --> 00:17:16,521 of the first-person plural subjunctive "I wish we were"? 407 00:17:16,604 --> 00:17:18,521 Ha ha! Anybody at all? 408 00:17:18,604 --> 00:17:20,312 [clears throat] 409 00:17:20,396 --> 00:17:22,813 The use of the past-tense form "were," 410 00:17:22,896 --> 00:17:26,396 even though the action takes place in the present... 411 00:17:27,646 --> 00:17:30,980 My point being, these cards were obviously written 412 00:17:31,062 --> 00:17:32,354 by an "A" student. 413 00:17:32,438 --> 00:17:34,479 Leonard, are you an "A" student? 414 00:17:34,563 --> 00:17:35,771 No. 415 00:17:35,855 --> 00:17:38,354 Am I an "A" student? 416 00:17:38,438 --> 00:17:39,479 Yes! 417 00:17:39,563 --> 00:17:41,563 Aha! Need I go on? 418 00:17:41,646 --> 00:17:45,396 [gasps] So you are the one 419 00:17:45,479 --> 00:17:46,646 who actually wrote all those cards 420 00:17:46,730 --> 00:17:48,354 and gave them to Leonard? 421 00:17:48,438 --> 00:17:49,479 Congratulations, Ian. 422 00:17:49,563 --> 00:17:52,396 You're now back to being only one step behind. 423 00:17:52,479 --> 00:17:55,312 And the gloves did cover up his fingerprints?! 424 00:17:55,396 --> 00:17:57,563 What the heck-- let's call it even. 425 00:17:57,646 --> 00:18:01,438 Sorry, Leonard. I knew it wasn't you. 426 00:18:01,521 --> 00:18:02,855 I didn't believe it anyway. 427 00:18:02,938 --> 00:18:03,771 Why'd you do it? 428 00:18:03,855 --> 00:18:06,104 Why? 429 00:18:06,187 --> 00:18:07,646 Because... 430 00:18:07,730 --> 00:18:09,479 I love him. 431 00:18:09,563 --> 00:18:12,146 That's right. I love Leonard. 432 00:18:12,229 --> 00:18:15,521 He's my best friend, and I love him in the same way 433 00:18:15,604 --> 00:18:18,271 that Tom Sawyer loved Huckleberry Finn 434 00:18:18,354 --> 00:18:20,938 or Jim Bowie loved Davy Crockett. 435 00:18:21,021 --> 00:18:23,896 They trusted each other with their lives. 436 00:18:23,980 --> 00:18:25,312 They were best friends, 437 00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:28,146 and you can bet that if they had some colored markers 438 00:18:28,229 --> 00:18:30,396 and a pair of safety scissors at The Alamo, 439 00:18:30,479 --> 00:18:32,980 they'd have made each other valentines, too. 440 00:18:33,062 --> 00:18:36,604 And isn't that what St. Valentine was talking about 441 00:18:36,688 --> 00:18:39,021 when he said... uh... 442 00:18:39,104 --> 00:18:43,312 "Love...your fellow best friends"? 443 00:18:43,396 --> 00:18:46,438 You went through all this trouble to clear Leonard's name, 444 00:18:46,521 --> 00:18:49,146 even though he never would have found out? 445 00:18:49,229 --> 00:18:50,646 You're cooler than ever! 446 00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:53,646 I'm gonna give you my pink rhinestone charm bracelet. 447 00:18:53,730 --> 00:18:56,354 And I'm gonna bake you a chocolate layer cake. 448 00:18:56,438 --> 00:18:57,938 I changed my mind. 449 00:18:58,021 --> 00:19:01,021 I'm gonna make you a chocolate layer cake. 450 00:19:01,104 --> 00:19:02,730 You said "bracelet" first. 451 00:19:02,813 --> 00:19:04,438 I can change my mind. 452 00:19:04,521 --> 00:19:05,688 No, you can't. 453 00:19:05,771 --> 00:19:06,896 Yes, I can! 454 00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:09,563 If it makes you feel better, 455 00:19:09,646 --> 00:19:13,146 dogs get sick eating chocolate cake. 456 00:19:13,229 --> 00:19:16,229 [bell jingling, piano music playing] 457 00:19:19,146 --> 00:19:21,271 The music's almost... 458 00:19:21,354 --> 00:19:22,479 [yawns] 459 00:19:22,563 --> 00:19:24,354 ...as pretty as you. 460 00:19:24,438 --> 00:19:28,396 If this music had a face, it would look like you. 461 00:19:28,479 --> 00:19:31,146 So, you want to hear more? 462 00:19:31,229 --> 00:19:32,980 [snoring] 463 00:19:35,604 --> 00:19:38,521 You want more romantic stuff, you say?! 464 00:19:38,604 --> 00:19:41,229 I can say more romantic stuff! 465 00:19:43,396 --> 00:19:45,938 Look-- outside! 466 00:19:46,021 --> 00:19:47,354 Hey, fleabag... 467 00:19:49,396 --> 00:19:50,896 Asleep? Wake up! 468 00:19:50,980 --> 00:19:53,563 [snoring continues] 469 00:19:56,104 --> 00:19:57,146 Oops. 470 00:19:57,229 --> 00:19:59,229 [gurgles] 471 00:19:59,438 --> 00:20:01,688 Clumsy me. 472 00:20:05,855 --> 00:20:07,604 [ringing] 473 00:20:09,229 --> 00:20:11,479 How's about a birdbath? 474 00:20:11,563 --> 00:20:13,396 Why, I never! 475 00:20:15,229 --> 00:20:17,646 Don't leave! I didn't mean-- 476 00:20:17,730 --> 00:20:19,771 wait! 477 00:20:19,855 --> 00:20:21,479 W-What-- what happened? 478 00:20:21,563 --> 00:20:23,354 [shrieks] I'm wet! 479 00:20:23,438 --> 00:20:24,563 She left! 480 00:20:24,646 --> 00:20:26,354 Well, I'm not surprised. 481 00:20:26,438 --> 00:20:29,062 With your sloppy table manners-- 482 00:20:29,146 --> 00:20:30,980 Yech! Birdseed! 483 00:20:31,104 --> 00:20:32,771 You know nothing about us! 484 00:20:32,855 --> 00:20:34,354 We had a connection! 485 00:20:34,438 --> 00:20:36,396 You watch-- she'll be back... 486 00:20:36,479 --> 00:20:39,479 Some sunny day. 487 00:20:44,688 --> 00:20:45,980 Ew! 488 00:20:46,062 --> 00:20:50,021 Oh! Playing hard to get, is that it?! 489 00:20:51,312 --> 00:20:53,813 Sorry again for all the trouble I caused. 490 00:20:53,896 --> 00:20:56,062 I know I apologized four times already... 491 00:20:56,146 --> 00:20:57,104 Stop. 492 00:20:57,187 --> 00:20:58,813 ...but my heart was in the right place. 493 00:20:58,896 --> 00:21:00,229 I forgive you. Chill. 494 00:21:00,312 --> 00:21:03,563 It turned out to be a good Valentine's Day after all. 495 00:21:03,646 --> 00:21:06,104 I mean, what you did was really dumb 496 00:21:06,187 --> 00:21:08,938 and stupid and shortsighted and wrong... 497 00:21:09,021 --> 00:21:11,021 I want to apologize for that. 498 00:21:11,104 --> 00:21:13,104 But how many times do you get to see 499 00:21:13,187 --> 00:21:15,646 how much those around you really love you? 500 00:21:15,730 --> 00:21:18,354 You were right, it doesn't matter how many cards you get. 501 00:21:18,438 --> 00:21:22,521 What's important is knowing that the ones you do get are heartfelt. 502 00:21:22,604 --> 00:21:24,396 Those 15 you sent meant more 503 00:21:24,479 --> 00:21:27,229 than if I would have got 100 anonymous ones. 504 00:21:27,312 --> 00:21:29,604 Of course, I just wanted one from Leslie. 505 00:21:29,688 --> 00:21:31,229 I didn't even get that. 506 00:21:31,312 --> 00:21:32,438 What did you just say? 507 00:21:32,521 --> 00:21:35,396 -I just wanted one from Leslie. -Before that. 508 00:21:35,479 --> 00:21:38,479 -It doesn't matter how many-- -After that. 509 00:21:38,563 --> 00:21:40,354 -Those 15 you sent-- -There. 510 00:21:40,438 --> 00:21:43,354 You got 15 valentines? 511 00:21:43,438 --> 00:21:45,896 I only sent you 14. 512 00:21:45,980 --> 00:21:48,604 This one's not mine. 513 00:21:48,688 --> 00:21:50,229 "You are the best." 514 00:21:50,312 --> 00:21:52,521 Signed, "Your Secret Admirer." 515 00:21:52,604 --> 00:21:54,062 It's from Leslie! 516 00:21:54,146 --> 00:21:56,688 She has a blue pen. I saw it once. 517 00:21:56,771 --> 00:22:00,229 Well, there's lots of blue pens in the world. 518 00:22:00,312 --> 00:22:03,271 But it definitely could be from Leslie. 519 00:22:03,354 --> 00:22:04,604 Do you think? 520 00:22:04,688 --> 00:22:06,187 Definitely.