♪ Born on the wrong end Of the leash ♪
-♪ He was a dreamer ♪ -♪ And a little schemer ♪
♪ A nutty mutt living a dog's life ♪
♪ But when he'd hear the bell for school ♪
♪ He'd start to drool ♪
-♪ One day he says ♪ -♪ I'll take a chance ♪
♪ Trades his leash For a pair of pants ♪
♪ In a glance, school becomes His favorite pastime ♪
♪ I have buried a bone For the last time ♪
-♪ He says ♪ -♪ I want to be a boy ♪
♪ Ooh, he's bad ♪
♪ He's so over just being rover ♪
♪ I gotta be a boy ♪
♪ He says he's just gonna be a boy ♪
♪ Turns out he's a regular Einstein ♪
♪ And Leonard is treading a fine line ♪
Why can't I be a normal kid like any other?
Now, doodle bug, listen to mother.
♪ I want to be a boy ♪
I hate dogs.
♪ I gotta be a boy ♪
♪ This power pup's gonna be a boy ♪
I do not wish to be a dog.
♪ Now this bowser's ready for trousers ♪
♪ I got to be a boy ♪
♪ His nose is wet but you can bet ♪
♪ This teacher's pet is gonna be a boy ♪
Yes!
[opera playing]
[humming]
And a fine good morning to you, brer bird.
I have had a delightful night's sleep,
a lovely visit to the little boy's box,
and now -- ha ha ha --
I am ready to commence with my ritual morning scratch.
[sighs] Here we go.
Every morning without fail, out come the claws.
Dig-pull, dig-pull.
"Gee, I miss my mother's milk!"
Is there anything more annoying than a cat and his cat post?
[Mr. Jolly] Oh, I don't know. Perhaps...That!
What?
The incessant obsessive/compulsive banging
of your pointy beak against the spherical aggregation
of little foam bucky balls!
Pick-peck, pick-peck, pick-peck! Pick, pick, pick!
Dig-pull, dig-pull, dig-dig-pull!
Pick, pick, pick, pick!
Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig!
Like your miserable floor-hugging life depended on it!
I don't need to scratch, I choose to scratch.
I can stop any time I want, unlike you, seed bell slave!
Ha! I ain't no slave to nothin'.
I can stop pecking right now and never peck again,
and you know why?
'Cause birds have self-control, not like you cats!
-Do so. -Do not! Look at you!
You're scratching right now, and you don't even know it.
Oh, don't be silly. I am not-- oh, no!
See what I mean?
You don't control that carpet-on-a-stick.
It controls you!
I will not be controlled! I'll give it up.
I swear, I can go without it.
Yeah, right. For how long?
Well, for as long as you can go without pecking your seed bell.
What? Wh-what would that prove?
Ha ha ha! See? I knew it. You're afraid.
You feathery fellows talk a good game,
but when push comes to shove, you can't stop pecking, can you?
I can! Longer than you can!
Ooh, battle of the wills? I rise to the challenge.
Let's just see who's the stronger species,
who can go the longest without doing that which he loves most.
Starting when?
Right after this.
"When I, Odysseus,
was sailing home to fair Ithaca with my weary men,
we heard the tempting song of the siren women."
[imitating siren's song]
"I had to be lashed to the mast
and stuff wax in my sailors' ears
so we wouldn't be lured to our doom
and end up a pile of bleached bones
on the temptress's beach."
And that, I believe,
is why we have wax in our ears to this very day!
And FYI-- It's an excellent medium for modeling
if you run out of clay.
[all] Eww!
Hey, just stating the facts.
Ha ha! Well... Thank you, Ian.
Ha ha! And, um, if anyone has... Touched Ian's model,
please wash your hands before snack.
Ha ha!
[ring]
Hello.
[gibberish]
Yes, indeedy-do.
All righty-rooney.
Doesn't your mom ever just say "okay"?
Okey-deeky-docky-Doe! I'll send someone right away.
Well, everyone, the office needs a volunteer
to run down to the kindergarten
and pick up today's hot lunch count.
[all] Me!
Ookey-dook. Let's see...
Well, this time I think I'll choose Leonard and Scott.
Ha ha ha!
No dawdling, now!
You heard the woman. Come on! Ondelay!
We have a kindergarten lunch count to tally, man!
And then, math.
Scott, there's something you need to learn
about being a fourth-grader.
The whole point of volunteering for a job like this
isn't to rush right out and do it
and rush right back so you don't miss math.
It isn't?
No. The whole point is to dawdle --
you get a little drink of water...
Tie your shoelaces...
Slam a few lockers...
Say "ha ha!" To the guys stuck in class...
Ha ha!
Then get all the way down to the kindergarten,
come all the way back,
remember you forgot the lunch count,
go all the way back to the kindergarten again,
then when you get back, math is over!
Miss math?
But if dawdling is what fourth-graders do, so be it.
♪ La la la ♪
This here hallway sure gets mighty pretty this time of year.
Yes, sir!
Here you go, Scott.
Thank you.
Please sign by the "X's" and initial here
to acknowledge dispatch of today's official
kindergarten hot lunch tally.
You're good!
No one here ever got past three.
Eli almost did four one time,
but then they fell on his toe
and he had to go to the nurse to get ice.
I'm going to make it someday. Just you watch!
Let's go, Leonard. If we hurry,
we can still copy all the math problems off the board
before she erases them,
so we won't have to miss any of our homework tonight!
Hee hee hee hee!
What kind of fourth-grader is he?
The annoying kind.
Ha ha! You're funny!
Yeah, well, bye.
Wait! Don't go! Stay for milk.
Uh... Maybe some other time.
You want to help me out here, Scott?
Okay. Um...
Hey, look! The silkworms are hatching!
They are?
Ha ha ha.
Kindergarteners are too easy.
So, I see you got a girlfriend!
She's not my girlfriend.
She's just a little kindergartener
who's never seen a guy stack blocks before.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Leonard and some-little-kindergartener
who's-never-seen-a-guy- stack-blocks-before
sittin' in a tree! K-i--
I thought you wanted to get back to math.
This is more fun.
K-i-s-s--
I swear, if you ever want me to throw you a tennis ball again--
All right, all right.
I-n-g!
See? I can so act like a fourth-grader, smarty-pants!
First comes love,
then comes marriage, then comes more
little-kindergarteners who've-never-seen-a-guy
stack-blocks-before in a baby carriage!
I must be strong. I mustn't be tempted.
Ooh, but just look at you.
How I remember the joy, the comfort,
the almost zen-like sense of oneness with the universe
that came from scratching you, dear, dear post.
But then, not scratching gives me an even better feeling --
a feeling of self-control, of my own inner power.
I don't need you and your warm nylon pile
clinging to my rough unsharpened claws...
Polishing them, caressing them...
Loving them!
[sobbing]
I... want... my... post!
I... need... my... post!
I'm suffering from post-post trauma.
You are so pathetic.
You have no self-control whatsoever.
It wasn't enough I had to have
Cardboard brand Healthy-O's for breakfast.
She made me a tofu and alfalfa sprout salad for lunch.
I haven't had anything bad to eat all day!
Look!
[heavenly chorus sings]
Sour peachy gummy slugs.
And hot caramel apple sticks.
I've got 2 cents.
I've got 3 cents.
[both reading]
We can buy one and split it.
Okay, but how do you split a jawcracker?
Easy. One of us sucks the first half,
the other one sucks the second half.
Okay... but how do we decide who gets to--
I call first suck! Tap, tap, tap!
No erasies! Trademark registered!
♪ You try to cause my call ♪
♪ Ring my bell ♪
♪ I thought you were a good boy, But you never can tell ♪
♪ You're so naughty... ♪
Mmm. You're really going to enjoy this, Leonard.
My dog is a rat.
My dog's a cairn terrier.
Hi, Leonard. Want some jawcrackers?
I don't have any money left.
That's okay.
My dad lets me give them to my special friends.
Your dad is the dad in dad's?
Wow!
And you can have a really lot
'cause you're my really, really special friend.
[singing siren song]
Okay!
Say, Leonard,
are you as good at stickers as you are at building blocks?
'Cause I got a new flower fairy book in the back,
and I could sure use a fourth-grader's help.
Go for it, Lenny baby!
There is no such thing as free candy in this world.
Besides, your friend Scott is waiting for you. Look!
Go on, crunch it. It's just the right size.
No! That's not right.
You know you promised Leonard second suck.
Aw, the heck with Leonard!
Look at him in there-- about to ditch you
for a little girl with a jarful of jawcrackers.
Don't be a sap!
You're good buddy out there is about to crunch!
[groans]
It's been two days since last I scratched my post.
Aah! Look at these things.
Ragged and shredding, splitting down...
[groans]
Mama said there'd be days like this.
Oh, now I see what you like about this.
Mmm! Polished to a burnished glow!
Hey, I can see myself in my claws!
You are so unspeakably cruel, Pretty Boy Helperman.
Well, well, two can play that nasty little game.
Pbht!
Mmm, mmm, mmm! Seedy! Delicious!
Aah! Ick! Gak!
And my claws aren't sharp. I have to get them out!
[laughing]
I should have thought of this years ago.
Go on, take it! He's gone!
I can't. That's cheating.
What do you care? You cheat all the time!
Wait a minute. Isn't one of you supposed to be an angel?
Your angel quit! You were too big a pain!
Well, I'll show that angel! I'll show all of youse!
No scratchy for the kitty, no seedy for the birdie!
Oh, honey-bunny,
I can't understand why you have such a bad tummy ache.
What did you eat today?
Um... Nothing I remember.
["Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies" playing]
Normally, I wouldn't do this,
but if my baby's coming down with some yucky bug,
then maybe this will make him feel a little bit better.
Sour peachy gummy slugs!
Your favorite! Ha ha ha!
An adorable little kindergartener and her dad
just dropped them off,
and you think you're not popular at that school!
Ohh... This is all your fault!
What? What did I do?
The devil said if you crunched the jawcracker,
I should take the candy.
Well, my devil said if you were going to take all candy,
I might as well crunch the jawcracker!
He's a liar! Don't trust him!
Trust me.
I'm your real friend.
Come on! Let's take him and his devil on!
No! Leonard's my friend!
You're just an evil projection of my shadow side,
luring me down the dark path to my worser nature.
Get thee behind me, devil spot! Begone, and don't come back!
Aah! Oh, what a world!
Wow, that was easier than you'd think.
Okay, I have an idea of how we can get you better.
He doesn't! He doesn't! Only I can get you well!
First, go like this.
Ha ha ha ha.
Okay, now about that tummy ache...
It's not the candy that's making you feel all sick inside,
it's the fact that you're taking advantage of a little girl
by letting her think you care about her,
when all you really care about is the candy.
You know he's right.
No, no!
Him we like.
I know you guys are right. It was fun at first,
but the price of free candy's just too high.
I look down at Emma's grubby little hands,
finger painting hearts
with some of the letters of my name spelled backward,
and I just feel dirty, dirtier than her fingernails.
And that's dirty.
Leave it to me.
I'll help you out of this, buddy.
[school bell rings]
Now listen, sweetheart.
I know it feels like Leonard's the only guy in the world,
the only block in the block bin,
but that's just because you're 5 years old
and you haven't experienced
all the blocks the world has to offer.
Look! There's big ones and little ones,
cones and cylinders,
and smiley shapes that tip when you lay them on their backs.
See? It's a beautiful world full of magic and wonder,
so don't limit yourself to just one block.
Experience them all!
I guess you're right. I don't really love Leonard.
Of course you don't.
I love you! Your tower is lots bigger than his was!
[bell rings]
What's recess without a peachy gummy slug?
I brought you dessert, Scott.
You didn't think
I'd make you go all afternoon without a candy break?
Licorice lines!
I know what's making you feel sick.
It's the guilt that comes
from taking advantage of a little girl
by letting her think you care about her,
when all you really care about is her candy.
Oh, no. Look at all those wrappers in the closet.
It's the candy.
Well, you helped me out when I needed it,
so now it's my turn to help you.
You're going to take her back?
No. I'm going to eat the rest of this candy
before you can get to it.
Hey! I was saving that for later...
After I stop feeling sick!
Hey, there, Charlie,
how come you're sitting like that?
Like what? I'm not sitting any particular way,
hiding my claws or anything,
as if they looked horrid and unkempt
and there was something to be ashamed of
because, uh, there isn't, and I'm not.
[sobbing] I'm so ashamed!
Look, if you dare!
Whoo! Charlie!
What have they done to you?
What have they done to me? What have I done to myself?
Me and my silly feline pride.
I thought I was stronger than a bird,
but what price pride?
Look at these claws.
There's nothing to be proud of, so I shall humbly admit defeat.
The canary has won.
I must scratch again.
Caraway.
Oh... Millet!
Mmm, good!
Hello!
I, uh, I was, uh, just straightening the bell.
Ha ha ha! Straightening the bell.
That is so like a bird, with the lame excuses.
Admit it, my friend-- I am stronger than you.
Cats are stronger than canaries!
Ahem...
All right, we're both weak.
Yeah, I guess we are,
but I'm a lot weaker than you are!
No, no, I'm far the weaker.
Look how much I missed my silly seed bell!
Not a fraction of how much I missed my carpet-on-a-stick!
Pick-peck, pick-peck, pick-peck-pick!
Dig-pull, dig-pull, dig, dig, dig!
Dig-pull, dig-pull!
Pick-peck, pick-peck!
This plan is going to work for sure,
and then that sweet little kindergartener
will be just a sweet memory.
See what I just did there, with the sweet and the sweet?
Candy... sweet?
Now...
[clears throat]
"I know it feels like Scott Leadready
is the only guy in the--"
Wall? Well?
World?
Yeah! Yeah, that works.
"But that's just because you're five tears bold --"
no, that can't be right.
Oh! "Five years old!"
[snorting] I'm such a ninny.
"And you haven't experienced the beautiful world
full of wonder and maggots--"
and magic--"
Oh, shoot!
I thought it was getting good there for a second.
"So don't limit yourself. Experience everything..."
Blah, blah, blah. Okay, gimme some candy!
When Scott said it, it sounded nice.
When you said it, it just sounded yucky.
I'm getting the impression
there's no gummy slugs at the end of this deal.
It just makes me like Scott all the more,
forever and ever.
Oh, for--
why did you have to go and make me so darned lovable?
You know what you've got to do.
I've got to bite the bullet and give it to her straight,
even if it means breaking her cute little 5-year-old heart.
Emma.
Hi, Scott. I brought you some Cruncha Reenios.
Darn! My favorite!
Emma, I can't take your Buncha Reenios.
Freshly made this morning.
Okay, just one.
No! I mean--
No, thank you.
You see, I don't really--
I mean, I never really--
Oh, this is very hard for me to say to you, but--
I did it!
Seven blocks high!
Seven blocks? Wow!
And he's just a kindergartener.
Scott, this is very hard for me to say to you,
but, well, I'm friends with Eli now. See ya!
Hey, Eli, want some buncha reenios?
Sure!
Oh, seven blocks is nothing, little girl!
I can do eight! Watch me!
All right, just give me a sec. It's been a few years.
So here I go.
Buncha Reenios... Buncha Reenios...
You do it for the Buncha Reenios!
Come on, Ian,
let's get you out of here while you still have some pride left.
But Buncha Reenios, guys...
She has Buncha Reenios!
And for free!
[sobbing]
My friend, if there's one thing we've learned
in the past few days, it's this --
there's no such thing as free Buncha Reenios.
And you can make a very sturdy model
of Odysseus and his sailors out of ear wax.