1
00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:29,570
Testing. Testing, testing.

2
00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:38,204
One, two, three.

3
00:00:41,917 --> 00:00:42,917
Turn it up.

4
00:01:04,356 --> 00:01:05,356
Hey!

5
00:01:06,358 --> 00:01:07,775
Dang!

6
00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:11,529
That's what I'm talkin' about. LA!

7
00:01:20,706 --> 00:01:22,123
Hold up. Ho!

8
00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:26,294
- Radio station ID.
- Coming to work.

9
00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:28,379
Joe Dirte.

10
00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:32,049
Don't try and church it up, son.
Don't you mean Joe Dirt?

11
00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:35,579
Naming you that,
your daddy must've really hated you.

12
00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:38,332
- You're wrong, brother.
- I got a good name for this car,

13
00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:39,432
Rusty.

14
00:01:40,184 --> 00:01:42,059
- Shit'll buff out.
- Don't bother.

15
00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:45,605
Jeez, drive this piece of crap off a cliff.
Do us all a favor.

16
00:01:46,482 --> 00:01:48,191
This look like a piece of crap to you?

17
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,360
You like them spinning tires, do you?

18
00:01:53,489 --> 00:01:55,156
- You suck!
- You do!

19
00:02:04,374 --> 00:02:06,042
Did he hurt you, baby?

20
00:02:10,214 --> 00:02:12,116
People like that security guard,

21
00:02:12,216 --> 00:02:13,909
they don't really mean what they say.

22
00:02:14,009 --> 00:02:16,328
They just got their own issues
and whatnot.

23
00:02:16,428 --> 00:02:18,914
All's I got to do is keep
being a good person.

24
00:02:19,014 --> 00:02:21,834
No matter what,
good things'll come my way.

25
00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:23,502
Everything's gonna happen for me,

26
00:02:23,602 --> 00:02:25,436
just as long as I never have
"no" in my heart.

27
00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,590
Can't a guy even take a dump in peace?

28
00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:29,857
Psycho.

29
00:02:31,235 --> 00:02:32,235
Right on.

30
00:02:33,028 --> 00:02:34,888
Things are gonna happen for me.

31
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:36,364
I'm Joe Dirt!

32
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,454
I think I'm gonna go
to the restroom and take a big Joe.

33
00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:46,082
Don't forget to wipe your dirt.

34
00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:50,195
You boys got something to say to me?

35
00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:51,822
Why don't you talk in the microphone?

36
00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:53,464
I got a backup mic right here.

37
00:02:54,216 --> 00:02:56,368
Check, one, two. Testing, testing.

38
00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:58,162
Yeah, they're both working,
and guess what?

39
00:02:58,262 --> 00:02:59,846
They don't like no feedback. What's up?

40
00:03:04,309 --> 00:03:06,086
What's going on out here?
You got to keep it down.

41
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,271
Zander Kelly's on the air.

42
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:10,815
What's the deal with your haircut?

43
00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:12,843
I'm sorry about the noise, sir.

44
00:03:12,943 --> 00:03:15,179
This ain't no haircut. This is a wig.

45
00:03:15,279 --> 00:03:16,513
A wig?

46
00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:18,447
Look at you. Jesus.

47
00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:21,560
You know what?
I got somebody I want you to meet.

48
00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:23,578
Why don't you come with me? Come on.

49
00:03:25,330 --> 00:03:26,857
Yeah, that's what I thought.

50
00:03:26,957 --> 00:03:30,402
This is Zander Kelly.
You're listening to 98.6, KXLA.

51
00:03:30,502 --> 00:03:33,197
All aberration radio, all the time.

52
00:03:33,297 --> 00:03:35,491
Hey, Zander, Zander,
You got to see this guy.

53
00:03:35,591 --> 00:03:38,410
God almighty. Manna from inbred heaven.

54
00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:39,661
Hey, freak boy.

55
00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:42,581
1976 called,
it wants its hairstyle back.

56
00:03:42,681 --> 00:03:45,167
- Zander, get this. This is a wig.
- It's a wig?

57
00:03:45,267 --> 00:03:46,502
What are you wearing a wig for?

58
00:03:46,602 --> 00:03:48,978
What are you doing, stunt work
for Billy Ray Cyrus?

59
00:03:49,521 --> 00:03:52,049
Freddy, go get Free Bird boy here
an all-access laminate

60
00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:53,675
for the show in perpetuity.

61
00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:56,136
I'm wringing this chamois
as long as I can.

62
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,680
You are exquisitely pathetic.

63
00:03:58,780 --> 00:03:59,765
What's your name, pal?

64
00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:02,267
It's Joe Dirt. But if you're just gonna
make fun of me, man,

65
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:03,644
I'll just go back to mopping.

66
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,604
Sit down, let me take another tact here.

67
00:04:05,704 --> 00:04:08,482
Mr. Dirt, what's with the wig?

68
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:12,236
Well, I was born without
the top of my skull,

69
00:04:12,336 --> 00:04:14,279
and I guess
a little bit of my brains was showing.

70
00:04:14,379 --> 00:04:15,671
It was grossing everybody out,

71
00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:19,243
so my mom put this wig on me
to cover it up.

72
00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:24,790
And then the bones grew together
and it got all infused and entwined.

73
00:04:24,890 --> 00:04:27,350
I mean, I don't mean to get
all scientific or whatever.

74
00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:29,586
Why didn't your mom
change the wig later?

75
00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:33,590
Actually, we got separated
when I was eight.

76
00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:34,758
I got lost.

77
00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:37,094
You trying to tell me you've been
on your own since eight years old?

78
00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:39,847
Pretty much, man.
It's a long story, actually.

79
00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:41,682
Listen to you. What's the story here?

80
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,892
"I'm a white-trash idiot." The end.

81
00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:45,853
Hey, is this where you want to be
when Jesus comes back, man?

82
00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:47,896
Making fun of poor little Joe Dirt?

83
00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:50,790
Probably, because I'm sure Yahweh
would be chiming in, too.

84
00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:53,402
That's funny,
'cause my mom used to say that to me

85
00:04:53,502 --> 00:04:54,444
if she caught me doing stuff.

86
00:04:54,544 --> 00:04:56,655
Like one time, I was jerkin' my gherkin.

87
00:04:56,755 --> 00:04:57,906
Can I say that?

88
00:04:58,006 --> 00:05:00,716
And she goes, "Is this where you want to be
when Jesus comes back?"

89
00:05:01,051 --> 00:05:02,202
She sounds like a real winner,

90
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,371
and it's amazing to me
that you turned out like you did

91
00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:06,290
with that sort of mentoring.

92
00:05:06,390 --> 00:05:08,625
Hey, man, I...
I can't say don't make fun of me,

93
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:10,294
but you really shouldn't
make fun of my mom.

94
00:05:10,394 --> 00:05:13,255
Hey, you guys, you gotta come
hear this guy on the Zander show.

95
00:05:13,355 --> 00:05:14,772
Listen. You're on your own.

96
00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:16,800
The family's ditched you.
What happens next?

97
00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:20,095
I mean, do you really care?
It's actually not an easy story to tell.

98
00:05:20,195 --> 00:05:22,347
Hey, I got four hours
a day to fill, man.

99
00:05:22,447 --> 00:05:25,183
It's not often I get a freak like you
plopped into my lap.

100
00:05:25,283 --> 00:05:27,451
Go ahead. I'm a roast. Baste me.

101
00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:29,229
All right, man.

102
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:32,566
See, my parents and my sister and I
all went to the Grand Canyon.

103
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:35,444
And while they was checking out the sights
and the donkeys and whatnot,

104
00:05:35,544 --> 00:05:37,154
I somehow got separated from 'em.

105
00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:38,462
Easy shot.

106
00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:42,159
Hey, Dad, look. It's the good stuff.

107
00:05:42,259 --> 00:05:44,969
None of that pussy Skoal, right, Dad?

108
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:46,762
Dad?

109
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,431
Mom!

110
00:05:48,932 --> 00:05:49,958
Dad!

111
00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:52,309
Mom! Dad!

112
00:05:52,436 --> 00:05:53,436
Where are you?

113
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,271
Dad!

114
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:57,674
Mom!

115
00:05:57,774 --> 00:05:59,608
Where are you?

116
00:06:00,152 --> 00:06:01,944
You can come out now.

117
00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:05,974
So, there I was.

118
00:06:06,074 --> 00:06:09,186
A lot of kids would have been scared,
but I was all tough about it.

119
00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:13,664
I started walkin' till the cops picked me up
and put me into a foster home.

120
00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:16,693
Like this one guy
I fostered out to for about a month,

121
00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:19,154
he'd take me hunting
with him and his dog.

122
00:06:19,254 --> 00:06:21,964
I thought hunting would be, you know,
more fun than it was.

123
00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:26,411
Now, see, boy?
He goes off and fetches the duck.

124
00:06:26,511 --> 00:06:27,511
You see how that works?

125
00:06:27,971 --> 00:06:30,014
- Fun, huh?
- Yeah!

126
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:35,895
After that I spent some time
with these people who worked on a farm.

127
00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:39,982
I learned cows don't find
bottle rockets as funny as I do.

128
00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:46,030
Yeah.

129
00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:58,402
Then there was this one old lady,
she had me for a couple of weeks.

130
00:06:58,502 --> 00:07:01,363
I don't wanna be unkind,
but this woman was a little off-balance.

131
00:07:01,463 --> 00:07:03,240
You're to be scrubbed clean
before supper,

132
00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:07,744
and that means washed under
your fingernails and back of your ears

133
00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:10,429
and dressed in your Sunday best.

134
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:15,377
I expect your schoolwork to be done
every night and laid out for my inspection.

135
00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:17,170
- Is that clear?
- Yes, ma'am.

136
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,355
Can I push him off my leg?

137
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:22,358
He'll stop humping as soon as he's done.

138
00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:26,763
Well, the year was 1982.

139
00:07:26,863 --> 00:07:30,267
I was 11 years old now, and I'd gotten into
a little trouble here and there,

140
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,535
so I was living
in a juvie home for boys,

141
00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:35,871
and I was getting ready
to split that scene, and pronto.

142
00:07:36,832 --> 00:07:38,191
Ramblin' man

143
00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:41,319
Lord, I got to gamble
Gamblin' man

144
00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:44,781
Bob Seger? Be honest. Back then
you were listening to Leif Garrett.

145
00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:46,158
It's probably more like this.

146
00:07:46,258 --> 00:07:49,911
I was made for dancin'

147
00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:51,262
I...

148
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,582
No, sir, man. I don't like that crap.

149
00:07:53,682 --> 00:07:55,667
I'm a rocker, dude, through and through.

150
00:07:55,767 --> 00:08:01,339
Here's my favorite bands. AC/DC, Van Halen,
not Van Hagar, Skynyrd, Def Lepp...

151
00:08:01,439 --> 00:08:04,942
All right. I want you to settle down.
Don't make me call your probie officer here.

152
00:08:05,861 --> 00:08:07,012
And riddle me this.

153
00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:11,600
Other than the fact that you dig
looking like Jane Fonda in Klute,

154
00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:13,742
why don't you cut the wig now?

155
00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:18,982
Well, yeah. I guess I could do that.

156
00:08:19,082 --> 00:08:22,277
Zander just asked this Joe Dirt guy
why he doesn't cut his wig right now,

157
00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:24,253
and you can tell he's never even
thought of that.

158
00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:26,865
Now, you know, except for the ratty 'stache
and the pork chops,

159
00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:30,494
you're pretty clean-shaven
for a kid who lives in a trash can, no?

160
00:08:30,594 --> 00:08:34,164
Well, I don't need to shave, 'cause
it don't grow in right here and right here.

161
00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:38,376
Now, you're telling me that you're
so ingrained with white-trash DNA

162
00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:43,189
that your facial hair actually grows in
on its own all white-trashy like that?

163
00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:47,109
I don't know what you're saying,
but that's what's going on, yeah.

164
00:08:47,611 --> 00:08:51,515
So, back to the story here.
You're on your own...

165
00:08:51,615 --> 00:08:54,601
I'm just kinda campin' out or whatever,

166
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:58,829
and this goes on for years, until one night
something amazing happened.

167
00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:04,293
Man, a shooting star.

168
00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:07,463
I gotta make a wish.

169
00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:12,176
I wish I knew what happened
that one day at that Grand Canyon place.

170
00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:29,469
It's a meteorite.
Check it out! That's cool!

171
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:30,887
Man, look at you.

172
00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:33,348
You're probably made out of
some precious metal

173
00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:36,393
and everyone's gonna want you,
but you want to be with me!

174
00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:39,787
Right on!
You're Joe Meteorite, and I'm Joe Dirt!

175
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:47,654
Here on Earth,
we call this place a town.

176
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:51,867
A town is a place where everyone hates you.
Kids all try to beat you up.

177
00:09:51,967 --> 00:09:53,910
- That's so flat.
- Awesome.

178
00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:55,787
This is gonna be awesome.

179
00:09:55,887 --> 00:09:58,415
Holy crap, ladies.

180
00:09:58,515 --> 00:10:02,085
Hey, Junior Dirt Bag.
You talkin' to your rock?

181
00:10:02,185 --> 00:10:04,838
It ain't no rock,
it's a meteor, dum-dum.

182
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:08,258
What did it do, land on your barber's head
while he was cuttin' your hair?

183
00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:10,594
Why don't you go practice falling down.
I'll be there in a minute.

184
00:10:10,694 --> 00:10:13,430
Hey. You wanna fight, you little queer?

185
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:15,614
Queer? Is this queer?

186
00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:19,227
Are these queer? What's up? What's up?

187
00:10:19,327 --> 00:10:20,687
Look at this guy. He must be retarded.

188
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:22,647
Hey, retard, you aren't worth it.

189
00:10:22,747 --> 00:10:24,482
- Come on. Let's go.
- Yeah? You are.

190
00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:27,751
- What a wuss.
- I mean, you aren't... Worth it.

191
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:30,963
I told them, Meteor. You had my back.

192
00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:32,949
You're cool.

193
00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:34,633
What's that?

194
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:40,457
$5. That's mine now.

195
00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:43,251
You're my lucky meteor. Right on.

196
00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,561
I'll hold your half for ya.

197
00:10:47,063 --> 00:10:49,857
Meteor, we call this here
"Bein' in burger heaven."

198
00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:54,361
Yeah.

199
00:10:58,199 --> 00:10:59,867
I need to find a home, Meteor.

200
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:04,439
We need some stability
in our lives, man.

201
00:11:04,539 --> 00:11:07,150
We need to settle down.

202
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:09,293
Life gets hard, you know?

203
00:11:29,272 --> 00:11:31,648
Yeah. Come on, now.

204
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:34,234
It's a little bumpy.

205
00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:41,909
Look at that town, Meteor.
That's pretty.

206
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:45,454
I bet people in a town like that
will be nice to us.

207
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:47,915
Let's go down there.

208
00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:50,417
Come on.

209
00:11:51,294 --> 00:11:52,378
Yeah.

210
00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:56,825
No way I'd ever sell you, Meteor.
Not in a million years.

211
00:11:56,925 --> 00:12:00,010
But just for laughs,
let's see how much you're worth.

212
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,831
Well, it ain't a meteor.

213
00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:05,083
Yeah, it is. It came out of the sky.

214
00:12:05,183 --> 00:12:10,630
Well, I'm sure it did, but it ain't no meteor.
It's a big old frozen chunk of shit.

215
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,090
- What?
- Yeah.

216
00:12:12,190 --> 00:12:15,051
See, them airplanes,
they dump their toilets 36,000 feet,

217
00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:17,053
and the stuff freezes
and falls to earth.

218
00:12:17,153 --> 00:12:18,904
We call 'em Boeing bombs.

219
00:12:19,823 --> 00:12:22,225
No, that can't be.
That's not what it is.

220
00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:23,534
Afraid so.

221
00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:26,438
You see the peanut?

222
00:12:26,538 --> 00:12:27,522
Dead giveaway.

223
00:12:27,622 --> 00:12:30,374
Yeah, that's... That's a space peanut.

224
00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:31,985
Well, afraid not.

225
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:34,837
This is a big old frozen
chunk of poopie.

226
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,509
Dude, you were eating off it.

227
00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:43,913
Okay, okay, that's too much, too much.

228
00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:44,956
Then what happened?

229
00:12:45,056 --> 00:12:46,750
Well, then I got a dog.

230
00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:49,210
You're telling me
you'd rather have a dog

231
00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:50,477
than a frozen hunk of crap?

232
00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:56,718
See, it wasn't really my dog.
It was this girl's dog.

233
00:12:56,818 --> 00:12:59,387
I was livin' in the woods
outside of that postcard town I said.

234
00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:00,696
It's called Silvertown.

235
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:04,434
And I'd come in to steal stuff,
you know, food, whatever.

236
00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:06,201
And then one winter...

237
00:13:21,593 --> 00:13:22,718
Are you okay, boy?

238
00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:27,848
No. Are your nuts frozen to the porch?

239
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,254
That sucks.

240
00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:34,563
Don't pull up.

241
00:13:40,403 --> 00:13:43,056
- Who are you?
- It's okay. I was just walking by.

242
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,433
- I think your dog's in a little trouble here.
- What's wrong?

243
00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:48,269
I think his... Well, you know how
when you get your tongue

244
00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:51,356
frozen in a freezer 'cause it's all wet?

245
00:13:51,456 --> 00:13:52,998
I think he got...

246
00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:56,111
- Nuts frozen to the porch?
- Yes, exactly.

247
00:13:56,211 --> 00:13:58,863
- Baby! What do we do?
- We got to do something,

248
00:13:58,963 --> 00:14:01,256
- so do you have something inside?
- Yeah.

249
00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:03,592
Don't pull up.

250
00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:05,328
It's okay, don't move.

251
00:14:05,428 --> 00:14:07,095
It's gonna stretch 'em more. That's bad.

252
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,500
No. That's... That's wrong.

253
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,962
That's way wrong.
Do you got, like, warm water and...

254
00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:16,089
- A fork!
- Yeah. No. What?

255
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:19,650
No, no. A spatula thing. The flat one.

256
00:14:20,151 --> 00:14:22,887
I'm sorry, buddy.
Just give her a second. Dang.

257
00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:24,931
I got it. Now what?

258
00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:26,307
Here's what we do.

259
00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:29,477
I just pour a little water on here.
Now, you hold him.

260
00:14:29,577 --> 00:14:30,645
Easy.

261
00:14:30,745 --> 00:14:32,272
Now, this ain't no flapjack.
Gotta go real easy.

262
00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:34,190
Should loosen it up a little bit.

263
00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:36,776
And I'm gonna go...
I don't wanna look. I'm sorry.

264
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:39,753
One, two, three, go.

265
00:14:40,630 --> 00:14:43,324
There. Hey, buddy, you're free.

266
00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:45,160
- Dang.
- Good boy!

267
00:14:45,260 --> 00:14:46,260
Good job!

268
00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:48,997
You might want to spray
this whole porch down with PAM,

269
00:14:49,097 --> 00:14:50,415
you know, so it doesn't happen again.

270
00:14:50,515 --> 00:14:52,558
- Okay.
- What's his name?

271
00:14:53,643 --> 00:14:55,143
- Charlie.
- Charlie.

272
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:58,298
- And mine's Brandy.
- Hi, Brandy. I'm Joe Dirt.

273
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,884
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.

274
00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:03,678
Brandy, get your ass in the kitchen
and fire up that stove.

275
00:15:03,778 --> 00:15:05,138
You got some cookin' to do.

276
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:06,389
- Daddy?
- Yeah.

277
00:15:06,489 --> 00:15:08,323
Can we have my new friend Joe
over for supper?

278
00:15:08,449 --> 00:15:09,726
What, are you nuts, girl?

279
00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:11,561
We ain't runnin'
no soup kitchen here, boy.

280
00:15:11,661 --> 00:15:12,953
Scat! Get out of here!

281
00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:16,331
Long-haired hippie freak.

282
00:15:22,380 --> 00:15:24,240
I'll be your friend.

283
00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:26,618
For some reason, and I have no idea why,

284
00:15:26,718 --> 00:15:29,078
Brandy always wanted
to hang out with me.

285
00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:30,846
And I had Charlie, so that was cool.

286
00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:34,626
For the next couple of years,

287
00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:37,420
the three of us was hanging out
at the farm in Silvertown.

288
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,855
And that was the closest thing
I ever had to a home.

289
00:15:40,565 --> 00:15:41,773
Till one day...

290
00:15:51,492 --> 00:15:53,061
Dirt, did I get you?

291
00:15:53,161 --> 00:15:55,037
- Nah, I'm cool.
- No, you're not.

292
00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:56,898
Where's Brandy?

293
00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:59,442
She's out riding her horse.
She'll be back in a minute.

294
00:15:59,542 --> 00:16:02,377
- You guys want to play bumper pool?
- No.

295
00:16:03,254 --> 00:16:04,781
How does she put up with you, Dirt?

296
00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:07,883
That's a good question, man.
She's great, though, ain't she?

297
00:16:08,384 --> 00:16:11,913
You know, sometimes it's like
she likes me or something.

298
00:16:12,013 --> 00:16:13,790
Yeah, dream on, Dirtboy.

299
00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:17,726
A girl like that's way out of your league.
She wants my body.

300
00:16:19,062 --> 00:16:21,172
No, I know, man.
That's all... That's for you.

301
00:16:21,272 --> 00:16:24,342
I'm... I'm not... We're just totally friends.
She's out of my league.

302
00:16:24,442 --> 00:16:26,526
Don't ever forget it, Dirt.

303
00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:30,598
Check this out, Robby.

304
00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:32,350
This is a good month. Dang.

305
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:35,937
This guy's got a dash mat
for a '69 Nova he wants to sell,

306
00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:39,414
and a car cover for any Dodge
from '79 to '84.

307
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:42,151
Man, you don't even have a car.

308
00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:43,820
I know, but that's a deal,
what he wants.

309
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:46,739
They're usually 80 bucks at Checker,
and this guy wants 40, man.

310
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,825
Hey, look at this. Charlie, see that?

311
00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:51,953
This guy's selling a Hurst speed shifter
with a pool-ball grip.

312
00:16:52,053 --> 00:16:53,871
One day I'll have a car that badass,

313
00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:57,265
I'll be chirping gears
and pulling brodies, going...

314
00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:59,919
You'll stick your head out the window
and check out chick dogs, going,

315
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,004
"What's up, baby?"

316
00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:03,006
Boy, I swear I oughta slap you silly.

317
00:17:03,106 --> 00:17:05,383
I tell you what. Why don't you practice
spittin' out teeth,

318
00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:07,484
'cause I swear I'm gonna...

319
00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:18,495
- Dang.
- Dang.

320
00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:33,844
Hi, Joe. Come here.

321
00:17:36,931 --> 00:17:39,292
- What's up, goat-roper?
- Not much, pig-licker.

322
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:42,144
Watch the gun, baby.
That's how I get the gals.

323
00:17:42,812 --> 00:17:44,813
Come on. I'll treat you
to a Dairy Queen.

324
00:17:45,606 --> 00:17:46,732
Why are you being all nice?

325
00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:50,444
- I am always nice to you, Joe Dirt.
- Hey, Brandy.

326
00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:52,446
Can I come, too?

327
00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:55,824
Robby, I only have
enough money for me and Joe.

328
00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:58,895
Come on, Joe.

329
00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:00,438
- Let's do it!
- Come on, Charlie!

330
00:18:00,538 --> 00:18:01,705
Come on, boy!

331
00:18:03,332 --> 00:18:06,001
Oh, God. She is so fine.

332
00:18:06,669 --> 00:18:10,672
Yeah. One day,
I'm gonna marry that girl.

333
00:18:26,397 --> 00:18:27,397
Stop!

334
00:18:33,029 --> 00:18:34,446
There you are.

335
00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:37,684
Gimme that mutt.
I'm takin' him huntin' with me.

336
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:40,269
Daddy, you been drinkin'.

337
00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:42,522
Shut the hell up
and just give me the mutt now.

338
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:45,499
Hey, if you're taking the dog,
I'll go with him.

339
00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:48,168
- 'Cause I've been hunting before.
- You, hunt?

340
00:18:48,753 --> 00:18:50,504
Wouldn't even use you as a retriever.

341
00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:53,840
That was a good one.
All right, Charlie, get in the car.

342
00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:58,287
Charlie, you mangy mutt.

343
00:18:58,387 --> 00:19:01,290
Get in the damn car, you flea-bitten,

344
00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:03,058
butt-lickin', flea-lickin'

345
00:19:04,018 --> 00:19:05,393
son of a bitch.

346
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:13,819
Two!

347
00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:15,403
Yeah!

348
00:19:15,738 --> 00:19:16,738
What?

349
00:19:18,407 --> 00:19:19,616
Hey!

350
00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:21,827
Hey, my foot's stuck!

351
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:29,334
Charlie. Charlie, come here.
Come here, Charlie.

352
00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:33,322
My foot's stuck, see?
See, my foot's stuck?

353
00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:34,615
I need your help.

354
00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:36,451
I need you to go find Sheriff Williams.

355
00:19:36,551 --> 00:19:39,135
Now, go on, go get him. Go bring help.
Go get help now.

356
00:19:39,428 --> 00:19:42,264
Go get him. Run, Charlie!
Run like the wind!

357
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:44,933
Run!

358
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,477
Run, Charlie.

359
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:59,322
That stupid dog
better be bringing somebody.

360
00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:05,453
Your dad always hunt this long?

361
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:08,691
- Hey, there's Charlie.
- Charlie!

362
00:20:08,791 --> 00:20:10,485
- Hi!
- There's my buddy.

363
00:20:10,585 --> 00:20:11,877
Where have you been?

364
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:18,300
There you go, Don. Take 'er easy.

365
00:20:21,804 --> 00:20:24,540
- Oh, my God!
- There's that worthless mutt!

366
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,517
- What happened?
- This is all that goddamn dog's fault!

367
00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:30,004
- And I'm puttin' him down.
- No, you can't!

368
00:20:30,104 --> 00:20:32,105
- Guess who came back, Charlie?
- Dad, no!

369
00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:33,982
No!

370
00:20:38,362 --> 00:20:41,823
Joe, he's okay now. He's in dog heaven.

371
00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:44,492
You gave him a great last couple years.

372
00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:48,872
Well, I'll sprinkle his ashes.
They'll drift out to sea.

373
00:20:49,707 --> 00:20:50,957
He would've liked that.

374
00:20:54,003 --> 00:20:55,420
I can't do it.

375
00:20:58,507 --> 00:20:59,841
I'm taking him with me.

376
00:21:00,468 --> 00:21:03,371
Taking him with you? But...

377
00:21:03,471 --> 00:21:04,512
Where are you going?

378
00:21:06,015 --> 00:21:07,265
Brandy, you see that moon?

379
00:21:08,851 --> 00:21:12,213
You don't know how many nights
I spent alone staring at that moon

380
00:21:12,313 --> 00:21:16,650
wondering if at that exact moment, my mom
or my dad was looking at the same moon.

381
00:21:17,234 --> 00:21:21,780
And for that brief second,
we were together again, kind of, you know?

382
00:21:24,033 --> 00:21:26,618
When I was with Charlie,
I didn't miss that moon so much.

383
00:21:28,245 --> 00:21:30,872
Brandy, I got a hole in my heart.
I don't know how to fix it.

384
00:21:31,415 --> 00:21:33,484
I got to find out what happened
that day at the Grand Canyon.

385
00:21:33,584 --> 00:21:35,794
I don't care how long it takes.
I gotta do it.

386
00:21:36,712 --> 00:21:42,535
But what if when you're gone some guy
asks me to marry him, and you're not here?

387
00:21:42,635 --> 00:21:45,913
Brandy, what's that got to do with me?
We're always gonna be buddies, right?

388
00:21:46,013 --> 00:21:48,556
Well, if I get married,

389
00:21:49,350 --> 00:21:53,546
we might move,
and you might not know where to find me.

390
00:21:53,646 --> 00:21:55,882
You are gonna make some guy so happy.

391
00:21:55,982 --> 00:21:59,192
I just hope whoever he is,
he deserves a girl like you.

392
00:22:01,737 --> 00:22:04,307
God, that Brandy has a nice ass,
doesn't she?

393
00:22:04,407 --> 00:22:06,934
I mean, I get this loser
talking about the moon

394
00:22:07,034 --> 00:22:09,103
and walking his dog,
and all the time I'm thinking about

395
00:22:09,203 --> 00:22:13,816
Brandy's well-manicured backyard
in those cutoff shorts. Ouch!

396
00:22:13,916 --> 00:22:16,652
Yeah, she's cool.
Anyway, so there I was,

397
00:22:16,752 --> 00:22:19,947
on my own again, looking for my parents,
but I don't know their last names.

398
00:22:20,047 --> 00:22:23,826
It's Dirt. Isn't that the name
on the family crest? Dirt.

399
00:22:23,926 --> 00:22:25,369
No, see, my last name's Dirt.

400
00:22:25,469 --> 00:22:27,663
My dad made my last name Dirt
for some reason.

401
00:22:27,763 --> 00:22:30,708
Anyway, I just put an "e" on it,
pronounce it "Deer-tay."

402
00:22:30,808 --> 00:22:33,419
It's no big deal.
It actually sounds pretty cool.

403
00:22:33,519 --> 00:22:35,212
But see, I don't know their last name.

404
00:22:35,312 --> 00:22:38,799
And I remember my sister yelling it
in my face when I was growing up.

405
00:22:38,899 --> 00:22:40,676
That's why Dad named you Joe Dirt!

406
00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:42,595
That's why Dad named you Joe Dirt!

407
00:22:42,695 --> 00:22:44,847
That's why Dad named you
Joe Dirt instead of...

408
00:22:44,947 --> 00:22:46,724
I couldn't remember my real last name.

409
00:22:46,824 --> 00:22:48,267
So, I knew it was gonna be
hard to find 'em.

410
00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:51,036
- Right, so what'd you do?
- Right, so then I needed some money.

411
00:22:52,246 --> 00:22:55,957
I hopped a train out of Silvertown
and headed east for the big city.

412
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:02,365
Then I got lucky.

413
00:23:02,465 --> 00:23:05,493
I got myself a real important job
in advertising.

414
00:23:05,593 --> 00:23:09,497
Molar World. Walk-ins welcome.
There you go.

415
00:23:09,597 --> 00:23:12,833
Molar World. One for the kid? Sure.

416
00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:14,100
Molar...

417
00:23:15,311 --> 00:23:17,129
What's up?

418
00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:18,881
Oh, my God.

419
00:23:18,981 --> 00:23:21,550
Competition orange, '67.

420
00:23:21,650 --> 00:23:22,942
This thing's a Hemi.

421
00:23:24,236 --> 00:23:25,429
Ma'am, are you selling this car?

422
00:23:25,529 --> 00:23:28,557
Yeah. It literally just went on
to the market.

423
00:23:28,657 --> 00:23:30,158
Well, how much you want for it?

424
00:23:31,660 --> 00:23:34,730
- What do you got?
- Practically nothing.

425
00:23:34,830 --> 00:23:35,815
I'm looking for my parents.

426
00:23:35,915 --> 00:23:38,901
They lost me at the Grand Canyon
more than 10 years ago.

427
00:23:39,001 --> 00:23:41,696
So, all my money goes towards that.
I don't have pictures of them or nothing.

428
00:23:41,796 --> 00:23:44,532
You don't even have a picture of them?

429
00:23:44,632 --> 00:23:47,618
Well, you know, my ex-husband,
before he died...

430
00:23:47,718 --> 00:23:49,245
I'm sorry.

431
00:23:49,345 --> 00:23:50,929
Nah. I killed him.

432
00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:55,100
He used to beat me, so one night I just
pushed him into the wood chipper.

433
00:23:55,976 --> 00:23:57,352
Told the cops he fell.

434
00:23:58,771 --> 00:24:02,425
- Good for you.
- But he used to be a police sketch artist.

435
00:24:02,525 --> 00:24:04,552
He was damn good, too.

436
00:24:04,652 --> 00:24:07,304
The victims would give him
the worst descriptions,

437
00:24:07,404 --> 00:24:09,223
and he would draw them out
like photographs.

438
00:24:09,323 --> 00:24:11,350
He could do anything, you know?

439
00:24:11,450 --> 00:24:13,561
Like age progression and...

440
00:24:13,661 --> 00:24:16,538
That's it. That's what I'll do for my parents.
How much does that cost?

441
00:24:17,998 --> 00:24:19,582
About 360 bucks.

442
00:24:20,126 --> 00:24:22,778
Then that's what I need to make.
Thank you.

443
00:24:22,878 --> 00:24:25,448
And I'm sorry I can't buy
your beautiful Hemi.

444
00:24:25,548 --> 00:24:27,908
No, you can.

445
00:24:28,008 --> 00:24:30,411
Give me what you got
in your pocket, and she's yours.

446
00:24:30,511 --> 00:24:31,553
For real?

447
00:24:33,848 --> 00:24:36,959
You hear that, Charlie?
We got us a Hemi, brother.

448
00:24:37,059 --> 00:24:39,879
- That lady gave me a great idea.
- Hey, Dirt! Dirt!

449
00:24:39,979 --> 00:24:40,963
Storm's coming in!

450
00:24:41,063 --> 00:24:43,883
Get up on the roof
and put some bricks in the tooth!

451
00:24:43,983 --> 00:24:45,024
Gotcha.

452
00:24:59,081 --> 00:25:01,317
My tooth! My tooth!

453
00:25:01,417 --> 00:25:02,443
Help!

454
00:25:02,543 --> 00:25:04,669
Hey! Go back!

455
00:25:07,590 --> 00:25:10,925
- I can see down your shirt.
- What an ass.

456
00:25:11,427 --> 00:25:13,386
Hey, boss, I'm goin' on a break.

457
00:25:23,439 --> 00:25:26,900
Hey! Airplane! Help me!

458
00:25:38,454 --> 00:25:40,288
That's not professional.

459
00:25:57,848 --> 00:26:00,084
I'd floated all the way to North Dakota.

460
00:26:00,184 --> 00:26:03,645
And there I was, scared to death,
as I dropped like a stone from the sky.

461
00:26:07,900 --> 00:26:08,900
Go back! Go back!

462
00:26:19,161 --> 00:26:20,980
But then the most
amazing thing happened.

463
00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:23,649
I landed next to an oil rig,
and they was hiring people.

464
00:26:23,749 --> 00:26:26,569
And what they paid was like
a sign from above

465
00:26:26,669 --> 00:26:28,503
that I was meant to find my parents.

466
00:26:30,506 --> 00:26:32,423
- Coming down!
- Hey, bro, come on down!

467
00:26:38,430 --> 00:26:40,390
Yeah, baby. Come on, now. Get loose.

468
00:26:42,851 --> 00:26:44,920
Man, I got it. It's comin'.

469
00:26:45,020 --> 00:26:48,215
I'll pay for this. I'm new!

470
00:26:48,315 --> 00:26:50,650
I'm new! I don't know what to do!

471
00:26:57,157 --> 00:26:58,574
Hey, man, you done with that apple core?

472
00:27:00,536 --> 00:27:02,537
I'm done with that fart. You want that?

473
00:27:03,372 --> 00:27:06,609
Maybe if it came out of
Charlene Tilton's ass, I'd take a bite.

474
00:27:06,709 --> 00:27:08,611
Yeah, you probably like J.R., you queer.

475
00:27:08,711 --> 00:27:12,380
I saw your bumper sticker,
"Cowboys' butts drive me nuts."

476
00:27:12,965 --> 00:27:15,784
Is that right? You think that's queer?

477
00:27:15,884 --> 00:27:19,053
Is this queer? They're large
and in charge and lookin' for chickies.

478
00:27:20,097 --> 00:27:21,081
You wanna back that up?

479
00:27:21,181 --> 00:27:22,249
You wanna fight?

480
00:27:22,349 --> 00:27:24,668
Why don't you stick your head up my butt
and fight for air?

481
00:27:24,768 --> 00:27:27,228
That's it. You and me. Let's go.

482
00:27:28,105 --> 00:27:30,549
You know, I would. I'd love to beat
your ass up and down this place.

483
00:27:30,649 --> 00:27:32,025
I got to go back to work.

484
00:27:32,776 --> 00:27:34,762
Yo, Dirt. You're fired.

485
00:27:34,862 --> 00:27:36,237
Here's your week's pay.

486
00:27:39,908 --> 00:27:40,950
Dang.

487
00:27:45,539 --> 00:27:46,539
Yeah!

488
00:27:46,915 --> 00:27:49,000
What's up here? Look down there.

489
00:27:49,293 --> 00:27:51,044
What's going on? Here I come.

490
00:27:57,134 --> 00:27:59,427
Luckily, my neck broke my fall.

491
00:28:01,847 --> 00:28:03,999
I guess you won the battle.

492
00:28:04,099 --> 00:28:06,126
- Yeah!
- But I won the war.

493
00:28:06,226 --> 00:28:08,728
If you're covered in oil,
don't stand next to a fire.

494
00:28:11,774 --> 00:28:13,649
Now that's day-one stuff.

495
00:28:18,447 --> 00:28:21,282
Keep that Skoal, baby.
That's what I'm talking about.

496
00:28:25,329 --> 00:28:26,981
So, I had my 360 bucks.

497
00:28:27,081 --> 00:28:29,358
The next day I was gonna try
the police sketch thing,

498
00:28:29,458 --> 00:28:31,068
but something happened to my head.

499
00:28:31,168 --> 00:28:34,905
See, I spent the night in what I thought
was an abandoned circus tent.

500
00:28:35,005 --> 00:28:37,116
But I guess it wasn't no circus.

501
00:28:37,216 --> 00:28:39,634
I was totally bombed
on insecticide, I think.

502
00:28:46,225 --> 00:28:48,294
So, needless to say, I was in no shape

503
00:28:48,394 --> 00:28:50,478
to do anybody any good
with my recollections.

504
00:28:51,313 --> 00:28:53,799
The guy doing the police sketch
thought I was messin' with him,

505
00:28:53,899 --> 00:28:56,802
'cause my dad came out
looking like Father Time.

506
00:28:56,902 --> 00:28:58,220
And my mom came out too butch,

507
00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:00,321
and looking way
too much like Richard Ramirez.

508
00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:02,490
You know, the Night Stalker?
Remember that guy?

509
00:29:04,493 --> 00:29:05,561
As my head cleared,

510
00:29:05,661 --> 00:29:08,439
I realized I needed
a different approach.

511
00:29:08,539 --> 00:29:11,734
Then I got a brainstorm.
Hire an Indian tracker to help me.

512
00:29:11,834 --> 00:29:14,153
Man, that's a great idea.
They could find anything.

513
00:29:14,253 --> 00:29:16,030
It's like in the movies.

514
00:29:16,130 --> 00:29:17,922
So, I headed for a reservation.

515
00:29:24,012 --> 00:29:28,584
You want me to put my ear to the ground,
listen for hoofbeats,

516
00:29:28,684 --> 00:29:30,210
check for footprints?

517
00:29:30,310 --> 00:29:32,145
Look for broken twigs?

518
00:29:33,105 --> 00:29:35,341
But this is the modern age.

519
00:29:35,441 --> 00:29:37,718
That stuff doesn't work anymore,

520
00:29:37,818 --> 00:29:40,862
which is why I had to open
this fireworks stand.

521
00:29:41,822 --> 00:29:44,407
I wasn't getting by
on my tracking wages.

522
00:29:44,700 --> 00:29:47,978
Come on. You're supposed to be
good at tracking stuff, man.

523
00:29:48,078 --> 00:29:49,980
I've got to find my parents.

524
00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:52,858
And I've got to figure out
a way to sell more fireworks.

525
00:29:52,958 --> 00:29:55,110
I'm going broke with this venture also.

526
00:29:55,210 --> 00:29:57,529
Well, I see you got them
snakes and sparklers,

527
00:29:57,629 --> 00:29:59,948
but where's the good stuff, man?

528
00:30:00,048 --> 00:30:01,367
Good stuff?

529
00:30:01,467 --> 00:30:03,827
This is the good stuff,
snakes and sparklers.

530
00:30:03,927 --> 00:30:06,747
Are you nuts, dude?
You need stuff that explodes, go boom!

531
00:30:06,847 --> 00:30:08,097
Why is that good?

532
00:30:11,518 --> 00:30:14,338
You might as well ask,
"Why is a tree good?

533
00:30:14,438 --> 00:30:16,731
"Why is a sunset good?
Why are boobs good?"

534
00:30:17,566 --> 00:30:19,718
Man, firecrackers.

535
00:30:19,818 --> 00:30:22,554
You stick 'em in mailboxes,
you drop 'em in toilets.

536
00:30:22,654 --> 00:30:24,431
You shove 'em up bullfrogs' asses.

537
00:30:24,531 --> 00:30:26,058
I would never do that,

538
00:30:26,158 --> 00:30:27,643
'cause I'm gonna be a veterinarian.

539
00:30:27,743 --> 00:30:29,311
Well, there you go.

540
00:30:29,411 --> 00:30:33,107
Someone shoves an M-80
up a bullfrog's butt, blows him to pieces,

541
00:30:33,207 --> 00:30:34,483
he comes back to you to fix it.

542
00:30:34,583 --> 00:30:36,959
You win twice, brother. It's good biz.

543
00:30:38,086 --> 00:30:41,323
So, you're gonna tell me
that you don't have no black cats,

544
00:30:41,423 --> 00:30:43,158
no Roman candles or Screamin' Mimis?

545
00:30:43,258 --> 00:30:44,785
- No.
- Come on, man.

546
00:30:44,885 --> 00:30:45,994
You don't got no Ladyfingers,

547
00:30:46,094 --> 00:30:48,789
Buzz Bottles, Snicker Bombs,
Church Burners, Finger Blasters,

548
00:30:48,889 --> 00:30:51,041
Gut Busters, Zip-a-Dee-do-dahs
or Crap Flappers?

549
00:30:51,141 --> 00:30:52,543
No, I don't.

550
00:30:52,643 --> 00:30:56,463
You're gonna stand there
owning a fireworks stand

551
00:30:56,563 --> 00:30:58,966
and tell me you don't have
no Whistling Bungholes,

552
00:30:59,066 --> 00:31:00,968
no Spleen Splitters, Whisker Biscuits,

553
00:31:01,068 --> 00:31:03,887
Honky Lighters,
Husker Du's, Husker Don'ts,

554
00:31:03,987 --> 00:31:07,599
Cherry Bombs, Nipsy Dazers,
with or without the scooter stick,

555
00:31:07,699 --> 00:31:09,825
or one single Whistling Kitty Chaser?

556
00:31:11,203 --> 00:31:12,954
- No.
- Wha...

557
00:31:13,997 --> 00:31:17,025
'Cause snakes and sparklers
are the only ones I like.

558
00:31:17,125 --> 00:31:19,695
Well, that might be your problem.

559
00:31:19,795 --> 00:31:22,713
It's not what you like.
It's the consumer.

560
00:31:25,217 --> 00:31:26,493
Lookie there.

561
00:31:26,593 --> 00:31:29,204
That's happening, man.
We should get bleachers over here.

562
00:31:29,304 --> 00:31:31,874
People'll come from miles around
to see this thing.

563
00:31:31,974 --> 00:31:33,834
Feast your eyes on a feast of smoke.

564
00:31:33,934 --> 00:31:36,086
Dang. It's out.

565
00:31:36,186 --> 00:31:38,672
CNN's gonna turn around and go home now.

566
00:31:38,772 --> 00:31:40,924
What's going on, man?
I saw a snail over there and he said,

567
00:31:41,024 --> 00:31:45,220
"That thing's slow. It ain't movin' fast.
It's boring and dull. I'm yawning."

568
00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:48,474
- That's a snail watching that.
- There's a snail in the desert?

569
00:31:48,574 --> 00:31:49,975
Yeah, a spaceship dropped him off.

570
00:31:50,075 --> 00:31:52,076
Don't focus on the wrong part
of the story, brother.

571
00:31:52,661 --> 00:31:54,062
And the snail can talk?

572
00:31:54,162 --> 00:31:56,899
Yeah, because they gave
him powers, the aliens.

573
00:31:56,999 --> 00:31:58,442
They made his little voice box...

574
00:31:58,542 --> 00:32:01,153
Dude, I'm just sayin'
it's dull, all right?

575
00:32:01,253 --> 00:32:03,739
This ain't fun.
Look at that little piece of char.

576
00:32:03,839 --> 00:32:06,408
You need explosions.
You need stuff going on, man.

577
00:32:06,508 --> 00:32:10,344
No wonder this thing's going under.
You got nothing. It's wussy stuff.

578
00:32:10,596 --> 00:32:11,971
Well...

579
00:32:14,057 --> 00:32:15,584
I got these two sticks.

580
00:32:15,684 --> 00:32:17,878
Dang. These are yours?

581
00:32:17,978 --> 00:32:20,313
These are Roman candles, brother.
That's good stuff.

582
00:32:20,897 --> 00:32:23,149
Get this thing full of lighter fluid.

583
00:32:24,693 --> 00:32:26,110
Yeah.

584
00:32:27,321 --> 00:32:30,364
The Roman candle.
Step back a little bit.

585
00:32:33,785 --> 00:32:35,270
That's what I'm talkin' about.

586
00:32:35,370 --> 00:32:36,730
That's beautiful.

587
00:32:36,830 --> 00:32:39,415
Beautiful? I'm looking for
"righteously kick-ass."

588
00:32:40,208 --> 00:32:41,193
You know what we need?

589
00:32:41,293 --> 00:32:43,711
Gasoline. Yeah.

590
00:32:46,340 --> 00:32:47,965
Breakfast of champions.

591
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:52,720
All right, you might want to take
a few extra steps back on this one.

592
00:32:58,935 --> 00:32:59,935
God.

593
00:33:02,439 --> 00:33:05,608
Man. What did I trip over?

594
00:33:06,234 --> 00:33:08,736
There's something metal
sticking out of the ground.

595
00:33:10,906 --> 00:33:12,156
You okay?

596
00:33:13,950 --> 00:33:16,395
What is this thing, man?

597
00:33:16,495 --> 00:33:20,315
Maybe we should take it over to that place,
the laboratory over in the next town,

598
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:21,608
Los Alamos.

599
00:33:21,708 --> 00:33:23,735
That symbol looks very stern.

600
00:33:23,835 --> 00:33:27,155
Yeah, man. That's definitely
what we should do. That's the right thing.

601
00:33:27,255 --> 00:33:28,255
But first...

602
00:33:30,050 --> 00:33:31,467
Yeah, jam that in the gas bucket.

603
00:33:34,096 --> 00:33:35,221
We'll shoot fireballs at it.

604
00:33:36,473 --> 00:33:39,058
We gotta step way back.
This is gonna be fun.

605
00:33:48,777 --> 00:33:50,236
Look at that shit!

606
00:33:51,113 --> 00:33:54,448
Man, we're gonna get so busted!
Let's get out of here!

607
00:34:08,839 --> 00:34:10,214
What happened, man?

608
00:34:10,799 --> 00:34:14,009
You tripped over that object
in the ground. You were knocked out.

609
00:34:16,638 --> 00:34:18,514
That thing's an atom bomb, man.

610
00:34:21,101 --> 00:34:22,393
I got an idea.

611
00:34:23,520 --> 00:34:25,631
"Canyon Rubberneckers tour bus.

612
00:34:25,731 --> 00:34:29,635
"The Grand Canyon's
number-one purveyor of fine bus tours."

613
00:34:29,735 --> 00:34:32,638
I still don't see
why we're going to the tour bus company.

614
00:34:32,738 --> 00:34:36,808
Don't you see? All the tourists at
the canyon that day my parents lost me,

615
00:34:36,908 --> 00:34:38,185
they had cameras.

616
00:34:38,285 --> 00:34:40,812
And you can't tell me,
in all those pictures they took,

617
00:34:40,912 --> 00:34:45,192
there won't be some that accidentally have
me and my parents in 'em, man.

618
00:34:45,292 --> 00:34:48,294
The company'll have records
of who used the tour that day.

619
00:34:48,628 --> 00:34:50,822
But that was more than 10 years ago.

620
00:34:50,922 --> 00:34:53,825
Besides, they won't just
hand the records over to us.

621
00:34:53,925 --> 00:34:56,203
We're just an Indian and some guy.

622
00:34:56,303 --> 00:34:57,746
Man.

623
00:34:57,846 --> 00:35:00,916
You can't have "no" in your heart.
"No" is not an option, brother.

624
00:35:01,016 --> 00:35:04,628
You're not just an Indian.
You're Kicking Wing. All right?

625
00:35:04,728 --> 00:35:07,339
And one day, you're gonna be
Kicking Wing, animal doctor.

626
00:35:07,439 --> 00:35:09,732
And then you should change your name
to Kicking Ass. I would.

627
00:35:15,030 --> 00:35:17,933
Man. Swerve them potholes.

628
00:35:18,033 --> 00:35:19,700
You know, because of the atom bomb.

629
00:35:30,378 --> 00:35:35,033
One swing, and this here ball-peen hammer
will trigger this A-bomb,

630
00:35:35,133 --> 00:35:38,912
and it'll blow up the whole city,
maybe even half the country.

631
00:35:39,012 --> 00:35:40,372
Now, here's what I need.

632
00:35:40,472 --> 00:35:42,457
I need you to give me the records

633
00:35:42,557 --> 00:35:46,128
of everybody who toured
the Grand Canyon on them buses

634
00:35:46,228 --> 00:35:48,229
June 13, 1979.

635
00:35:49,898 --> 00:35:51,883
I'm not messin' around. I'll hit it.

636
00:35:51,983 --> 00:35:53,901
And then it goes bang. All right?

637
00:35:54,736 --> 00:35:56,904
Now, while I'm up here waiting...

638
00:35:58,573 --> 00:35:59,975
- You.
- Me?

639
00:36:00,075 --> 00:36:01,742
Show me them boobies.

640
00:36:10,418 --> 00:36:11,710
Dang.

641
00:36:12,337 --> 00:36:15,532
Now, even you liked the way
that chick looked, didn't you?

642
00:36:15,632 --> 00:36:17,659
Even me?
What's that supposed to mean, man?

643
00:36:17,759 --> 00:36:21,079
I'm just saying, I'm beginning to doubt
your hetero street credentials here.

644
00:36:21,179 --> 00:36:23,373
I mean, never putting
the moves on Brandy...

645
00:36:23,473 --> 00:36:25,599
Brandy, man. Well, she's too beautiful.

646
00:36:25,934 --> 00:36:27,085
She's way too hot for me.

647
00:36:27,185 --> 00:36:28,879
He has no idea that Brandy
even likes him.

648
00:36:28,979 --> 00:36:31,856
- His voice is so sexy.
- I wonder what he looks like.

649
00:36:32,983 --> 00:36:34,733
You're standing there with an atom bomb.

650
00:36:35,235 --> 00:36:38,138
Could be Fat Man, could be Little Boy.
We'll nail that down later.

651
00:36:38,238 --> 00:36:40,265
But anyway, did you get
the names you wanted?

652
00:36:40,365 --> 00:36:43,185
Yeah, I did, but by the way,
it wasn't no atom bomb.

653
00:36:43,285 --> 00:36:48,231
Turns out, some skateboarder slapped
a Biohazard band sticker on the side of this

654
00:36:48,331 --> 00:36:50,692
septic tank for an RV.

655
00:36:50,792 --> 00:36:52,944
Anyway, the cops knew
it wasn't a bomb right away.

656
00:36:53,044 --> 00:36:55,379
Yeah. Who hasn't seen
that scenario played out?

657
00:36:55,797 --> 00:36:58,007
It's just an old crapper tank, people.

658
00:37:03,889 --> 00:37:04,956
Kicking Wing!

659
00:37:05,056 --> 00:37:06,833
- Stop it!
- Get it out of here!

660
00:37:06,933 --> 00:37:08,350
Somebody help me!

661
00:37:09,060 --> 00:37:10,269
Help me!

662
00:37:11,646 --> 00:37:15,050
Is it done? How much is in there?

663
00:37:15,150 --> 00:37:17,385
I got the poo on me.

664
00:37:17,485 --> 00:37:19,513
You are so pathetic.

665
00:37:19,613 --> 00:37:21,306
They decided not even to arrest me.

666
00:37:21,406 --> 00:37:24,267
They said being covered in that stinky stuff
was punishment enough.

667
00:37:24,367 --> 00:37:29,606
Don't you get it, man? Stinky stuff
is your milieu. Okay? This is your deal.

668
00:37:29,706 --> 00:37:32,859
You are an underachievement nexus
in the universe,

669
00:37:32,959 --> 00:37:35,070
and it's always gonna be
like this, Joey.

670
00:37:35,170 --> 00:37:37,739
No, man, but you gotta keep going.
What am I gonna do, quit?

671
00:37:37,839 --> 00:37:40,325
That's not an option.
You got to keep on keepin' on.

672
00:37:40,425 --> 00:37:42,619
Life's a garden, dig it?
You make it work for you.

673
00:37:42,719 --> 00:37:44,996
You never give up, man.
That's my philosophy.

674
00:37:45,096 --> 00:37:46,164
You hear that in there?

675
00:37:46,264 --> 00:37:47,958
And, you know,
the thing that drives me crazy

676
00:37:48,058 --> 00:37:49,417
and fascinates me at the same time

677
00:37:49,517 --> 00:37:53,562
is that you are so unrelentingly upbeat
about your plight.

678
00:37:55,231 --> 00:37:58,844
I need more, man. I'll be honest with you.
I want to see you in here tomorrow.

679
00:37:58,944 --> 00:38:01,612
I want to hear more
of the saga of Joe Dirt.

680
00:38:02,197 --> 00:38:03,530
All right. Thanks, you guys.

681
00:38:05,367 --> 00:38:07,952
- All right, Joe!
- Yeah, baby.

682
00:39:10,890 --> 00:39:13,960
You're listening to
the Zander Kelly show on KXLA.

683
00:39:14,060 --> 00:39:16,296
All right. Good morning, troops.

684
00:39:16,396 --> 00:39:18,757
This is Zander Kelly,
and you, of course,

685
00:39:18,857 --> 00:39:21,468
are careening headlong
into yet another hellish day

686
00:39:21,568 --> 00:39:26,598
in the tiny existence
you laughingly refer to as your life.

687
00:39:26,698 --> 00:39:28,282
I'm here with Joe Dirt.

688
00:39:28,783 --> 00:39:32,687
Joey, the tale could not be told in one day,
and we've asked you back today.

689
00:39:32,787 --> 00:39:36,816
I might say the joint looks great.
The toilets are freshly scrubbed.

690
00:39:36,916 --> 00:39:38,526
The floor is spick-and-span.

691
00:39:38,626 --> 00:39:41,988
Hey, Joe, did you use the stuff
with the tiny scrubbing bubbles?

692
00:39:42,088 --> 00:39:45,700
They clean the bowl
so you don't have to.

693
00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:46,868
No, I didn't.

694
00:39:46,968 --> 00:39:49,871
Yesterday, provide a little backstory
for the listeners,

695
00:39:49,971 --> 00:39:52,707
you were telling us
that you were covered in crap,

696
00:39:52,807 --> 00:39:54,042
and you are a complete loser.

697
00:39:54,142 --> 00:39:56,101
Have I nailed the pertinent facts?

698
00:39:56,895 --> 00:40:00,981
Well, let me emphasize to the listeners
those are your words, not mine.

699
00:40:01,941 --> 00:40:02,884
Sorry, Billy Jack.

700
00:40:02,984 --> 00:40:05,845
So, now you have a bunch of names

701
00:40:05,945 --> 00:40:09,891
of people who might actually have
a photograph of you and your parents, right?

702
00:40:09,991 --> 00:40:11,768
Right. I got a big bunch of names.

703
00:40:11,868 --> 00:40:14,896
So, now I got to span the country
to find all these people,

704
00:40:14,996 --> 00:40:17,581
to see if anybody's got
a photograph from that one day.

705
00:40:18,666 --> 00:40:22,028
"Anderson, Anders, Asnov, Ast..."

706
00:40:22,128 --> 00:40:25,490
I mean, all these people
were on them tour buses that day?

707
00:40:25,590 --> 00:40:26,992
"Belitnikoff..."

708
00:40:27,092 --> 00:40:30,286
It's gonna take forever, man.
But I gotta do it.

709
00:40:30,386 --> 00:40:32,580
Joe Dirt, I wish you luck.

710
00:40:32,680 --> 00:40:35,083
I hope you find what you're looking for.

711
00:40:35,183 --> 00:40:37,502
And remember that town
you're always talking about.

712
00:40:37,602 --> 00:40:38,920
Yeah, Silvertown, man.

713
00:40:39,020 --> 00:40:42,924
Yes. Silvertown. You make it sound
like the most wonderful place.

714
00:40:43,024 --> 00:40:47,429
So, you've always got Silvertown.
Remember that, Joe Dirt.

715
00:40:47,529 --> 00:40:51,266
And you remember to keep on keepin' on,
man, and you'll be a veterinarian,

716
00:40:51,366 --> 00:40:53,852
'cause I believe people get
what they really, really want,

717
00:40:53,952 --> 00:40:55,937
especially a cool guy like you,
Kicking Wing.

718
00:40:56,037 --> 00:40:57,022
You know what?

719
00:40:57,122 --> 00:41:00,040
You're my first real friend I've found,
outside of Charlie and Brandy.

720
00:41:05,922 --> 00:41:06,964
Okay.

721
00:41:09,217 --> 00:41:11,218
That's good. That's good.

722
00:41:11,719 --> 00:41:15,457
That hug was completely asexual.
You know, he kind of snuck it up on me.

723
00:41:15,557 --> 00:41:17,975
Whatever you gotta
tell yourself, Joe Dirt.

724
00:41:19,811 --> 00:41:21,353
I love you, Joe Dirt.

725
00:41:27,735 --> 00:41:29,429
So, I hit the road
with my list of names,

726
00:41:29,529 --> 00:41:32,322
looking for tourists
who might have photos of my folks.

727
00:41:33,408 --> 00:41:36,728
I hit pay dirt when I got a job
with a traveling carnival,

728
00:41:36,828 --> 00:41:38,912
and that's when things
got a little weird.

729
00:42:35,720 --> 00:42:36,720
Dang.

730
00:42:46,231 --> 00:42:47,882
Can I go again? Please?

731
00:42:47,982 --> 00:42:50,051
No, you've been on the ride long enough.
It's time to go home.

732
00:42:50,151 --> 00:42:51,427
I got you, buddy.

733
00:42:51,527 --> 00:42:53,680
Hey, who's this chick over here?
Is that your girlfriend?

734
00:42:53,780 --> 00:42:56,323
You should see my girlfriend.
You'd shit yourself.

735
00:42:56,991 --> 00:42:58,226
Really?

736
00:42:58,326 --> 00:43:00,228
I tell you what, buddy.
I'm gonna give you a free spin.

737
00:43:00,328 --> 00:43:02,230
I'm gonna talk to your lady friend
over there. How 'bout that?

738
00:43:02,330 --> 00:43:03,413
Yes!

739
00:43:06,334 --> 00:43:09,946
Good job, sir. Yeah, keep 'em straight
like that. Good strategy.

740
00:43:10,046 --> 00:43:13,048
You know, the life of a carnival worker
keeps me free and untethered.

741
00:43:13,800 --> 00:43:14,993
I know.

742
00:43:15,093 --> 00:43:17,245
That's why I was
immediately attracted to you.

743
00:43:17,345 --> 00:43:18,663
I could tell you were an outlaw.

744
00:43:18,763 --> 00:43:19,998
- Is that right?
- Yeah.

745
00:43:20,098 --> 00:43:21,807
Yeah, I am kind of an outlaw
through and through, baby.

746
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:25,587
- Damn.
- Good toss there, sir. Good one.

747
00:43:25,687 --> 00:43:28,563
You know, society's got no hold
on this outlaw.

748
00:43:29,357 --> 00:43:31,858
- Damn it!
- All right, all right. Real close.

749
00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:35,696
You know, I'm like a bird. Actually,
more like a hard-ass pterodactyl.

750
00:43:37,365 --> 00:43:38,558
This is bullshit!

751
00:43:38,658 --> 00:43:42,228
Hey, God forbid you don't win
after throwing only two quarters, man.

752
00:43:42,328 --> 00:43:44,689
It's a business. It ain't UNICEF, okay?

753
00:43:44,789 --> 00:43:49,334
I got a good mind to take my outlaw ass
and... Yeah, you better walk away, hard-ass.

754
00:43:51,421 --> 00:43:53,463
- Some people, right?
- I know.

755
00:43:55,550 --> 00:43:59,636
So, later on today, I'm pickin' up my Hemi
Road Runner. That's right, I said Hemi.

756
00:44:00,722 --> 00:44:01,930
A Hemi?

757
00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:04,417
- Balls to the wall.
- Yeah.

758
00:44:04,517 --> 00:44:06,294
I left it here. Friend's house.

759
00:44:06,394 --> 00:44:08,129
Well, actually it got towed
two years ago.

760
00:44:08,229 --> 00:44:10,757
But I'm gonna pick it up this afternoon.

761
00:44:10,857 --> 00:44:12,383
I might need a pretty little lady

762
00:44:12,483 --> 00:44:15,803
to sit on the front seat with me
while I break her in.

763
00:44:15,903 --> 00:44:16,903
The car, I mean.

764
00:44:17,363 --> 00:44:18,780
What do you say?

765
00:44:19,907 --> 00:44:21,408
That's a big 10-4.

766
00:44:25,079 --> 00:44:28,040
Hey, my man. I got a big date tonight.
I'm here to pick up my ride.

767
00:44:28,499 --> 00:44:30,584
- License and registration?
- Yes, sir.

768
00:44:31,210 --> 00:44:33,420
She's gonna freak out
when she sees my wheels.

769
00:44:35,465 --> 00:44:38,576
Total impound fees come to $3,496.

770
00:44:38,676 --> 00:44:40,703
- Plus 35 bucks for the tow.
- What?

771
00:44:40,803 --> 00:44:43,263
Three thousand, man, that's more
than I paid for the whole car!

772
00:44:44,557 --> 00:44:46,084
Interesting.

773
00:44:46,184 --> 00:44:47,877
- You want it or not?
- Yeah, but,

774
00:44:47,977 --> 00:44:50,338
I think that all I got's,
like, 450 bucks.

775
00:44:50,438 --> 00:44:52,840
Okay, this is a business.
This is not a charity.

776
00:44:52,940 --> 00:44:55,260
I mean, maybe one day UNICEF
will get into the impound business.

777
00:44:55,360 --> 00:44:57,903
But, you know, until then,
we're the people to see.

778
00:44:59,947 --> 00:45:01,349
Now, I'll tell you what I could do.

779
00:45:01,449 --> 00:45:03,784
I could sell you a car for 450 bucks,

780
00:45:05,078 --> 00:45:06,453
but it ain't gonna be no Hemi.

781
00:45:20,802 --> 00:45:22,427
I thought you had a Hemi.

782
00:45:23,054 --> 00:45:26,624
Yeah, I had to have
a footprint gas pedal installed.

783
00:45:26,724 --> 00:45:28,058
So, I stole this pile.

784
00:45:30,395 --> 00:45:31,895
My outlaw.

785
00:45:33,940 --> 00:45:35,399
That's right. Let's go.

786
00:45:42,115 --> 00:45:44,392
So, I had fun tonight.

787
00:45:44,492 --> 00:45:47,895
Even though you took me
to the carnival that I was already at.

788
00:45:47,995 --> 00:45:51,164
Yeah, I had fun, too.
Hey, listen. Can I ask you a question?

789
00:45:52,333 --> 00:45:55,611
If I told you you had a beautiful body,
would you hold it against me?

790
00:45:55,711 --> 00:45:57,196
Sure would.

791
00:45:57,296 --> 00:45:59,381
- Wanna go to my place?
- Sure do.

792
00:46:03,678 --> 00:46:07,498
All right. So, finish your story.
Now, why do you live with foster parents?

793
00:46:07,598 --> 00:46:10,084
Well, because when I was,
like, nine or 10 years old

794
00:46:10,184 --> 00:46:12,920
my parents pulled over on the side
of the road to look at that big dinosaur

795
00:46:13,020 --> 00:46:14,213
out there in California,

796
00:46:14,313 --> 00:46:16,106
and the next thing I knew,
they were gone.

797
00:46:17,692 --> 00:46:19,093
Wait a minute. Did you have a brother?

798
00:46:19,193 --> 00:46:20,360
I did.

799
00:46:21,112 --> 00:46:23,473
So, you wanna go back in the house?

800
00:46:23,573 --> 00:46:25,031
We can have sex.

801
00:46:27,994 --> 00:46:31,981
She's your sister, dude. She's gotta be!
And you made out with her, man!

802
00:46:32,081 --> 00:46:34,499
What's wrong with you, you pervert!

803
00:46:35,209 --> 00:46:37,862
Well, I didn't know
she was my sister when I kissed her.

804
00:46:37,962 --> 00:46:39,364
So, it's not my fault.

805
00:46:39,464 --> 00:46:42,007
And she's one of the hottest girls
on the planet.

806
00:46:43,050 --> 00:46:44,827
You just said your sister's hot!

807
00:46:44,927 --> 00:46:47,721
What a freak! You're goin' to hell, man!

808
00:46:49,015 --> 00:46:52,043
I got to tell her what happened,
why I got weird.

809
00:46:52,143 --> 00:46:55,604
And for God's sakes,
I got to treat her like a sister.

810
00:46:59,358 --> 00:47:00,358
Joe...

811
00:47:01,652 --> 00:47:02,678
Joe, no!

812
00:47:02,778 --> 00:47:04,972
We've got questions comin' in from...

813
00:47:05,072 --> 00:47:07,642
Boss, the phones are goin' nuts.
That was a bombshell.

814
00:47:07,742 --> 00:47:11,104
Wait, wait, man. I found out later
that she wasn't my sister.

815
00:47:11,204 --> 00:47:12,897
Thank God!

816
00:47:12,997 --> 00:47:16,291
Thank God, dude!
That was gonna be a little much.

817
00:47:17,251 --> 00:47:19,028
So, I did a real bad thing there,

818
00:47:19,128 --> 00:47:22,255
'cause I think you're my sister.

819
00:47:23,925 --> 00:47:26,092
Is that all? No!

820
00:47:26,677 --> 00:47:30,123
My family's last name is Buckwalter.
My brother's name is Cletis.

821
00:47:30,223 --> 00:47:33,683
So, you see, we're not related.
We can have sex again.

822
00:47:41,025 --> 00:47:43,860
Joe, what's the matter?
Don't I turn you on?

823
00:47:44,529 --> 00:47:46,196
I don't know what the problem is.

824
00:47:47,114 --> 00:47:50,685
Well, would it help if you went back
to thinkin' I'm your sister?

825
00:47:50,785 --> 00:47:53,604
Like I'm some sort of white-trash perv.

826
00:47:53,704 --> 00:47:56,107
I'm your sister! I'm your sister!

827
00:47:56,207 --> 00:47:58,109
You're my sister!

828
00:47:58,209 --> 00:48:00,278
- No!
- I'm kiddin', I'm kiddin'.

829
00:48:00,378 --> 00:48:03,630
I just made that last part up
for laughs, you guys, I'm tellin' you.

830
00:48:04,423 --> 00:48:06,200
Let's break it off for today.

831
00:48:06,300 --> 00:48:08,828
You haul your mangy ass in here
tomorrow morning,

832
00:48:08,928 --> 00:48:12,874
and we will continue the...
The fascinating saga

833
00:48:12,974 --> 00:48:14,584
that I'm now referring to as

834
00:48:14,684 --> 00:48:16,810
"The Legend of Dirty Joe."

835
00:48:42,253 --> 00:48:44,447
Hi, this is Brandy.
I'm not here right now.

836
00:48:44,547 --> 00:48:45,964
Please leave a message.

837
00:48:47,008 --> 00:48:50,745
Hey, Brandy, it's Joe. I'm out in LA.

838
00:48:50,845 --> 00:48:54,014
They got me on a radio station
tellin' my story to everybody.

839
00:48:55,099 --> 00:48:56,933
I didn't get to the sad part yet.

840
00:48:57,852 --> 00:49:00,645
I'm guessin' you had reasons
for doin' what you did.

841
00:49:02,607 --> 00:49:05,191
And I guess I'm just callin'
to say goodbye.

842
00:49:06,861 --> 00:49:08,361
I miss you, Brandy.

843
00:49:09,739 --> 00:49:10,739
Okay.

844
00:49:22,710 --> 00:49:26,113
You're listening to
the Zander Kelly show on KXLA.

845
00:49:26,213 --> 00:49:28,115
Good morning, LA. Zander here.

846
00:49:28,215 --> 00:49:31,619
We're sittin' with the king
of all dirt-balls, Mr. Joe Dirt.

847
00:49:31,719 --> 00:49:35,289
You know, last night when I went home,
rented The Andromeda Strain,

848
00:49:35,389 --> 00:49:39,752
just so I could simulate immersion
into that bacteriologically unsound world

849
00:49:39,852 --> 00:49:41,170
you call your day-to-day life.

850
00:49:41,270 --> 00:49:44,590
And I feel like I know where you live.
I've got you in my crosshairs now.

851
00:49:44,690 --> 00:49:47,301
We're gonna go back
to your story, pick it up.

852
00:49:47,401 --> 00:49:48,844
What really happened was,

853
00:49:48,944 --> 00:49:52,947
I had a car now, so I left the carnival
and kept runnin' down the names on my list

854
00:49:53,074 --> 00:49:55,685
lookin' for people who took those photos
at the Grand Canyon.

855
00:49:55,785 --> 00:49:58,312
Somewhere in Indiana
I hit a little snag.

856
00:49:58,412 --> 00:50:01,581
I found a guy who had pictures,
but he turned out to be a freak.

857
00:50:03,042 --> 00:50:07,113
I guess this is the place.
Buffalo Bob's kind of a weird name.

858
00:50:07,213 --> 00:50:10,215
But people say Joe Dirt's a weird name,
and how cool am I?

859
00:50:11,425 --> 00:50:14,036
- Excuse me, sir.
- Hey, there, young fella.

860
00:50:14,136 --> 00:50:16,956
Hey. I'm lookin' for a guy
named Buffalo Bob.

861
00:50:17,056 --> 00:50:19,500
Real name's Tim. How can I help you?

862
00:50:19,600 --> 00:50:22,336
Well, I wanted to talk to you about the time
you went to the Grand Canyon.

863
00:50:22,436 --> 00:50:24,688
Sure. Why don't you come on inside?

864
00:50:25,147 --> 00:50:27,148
- What'd you say your name was?
- Joe Dirt.

865
00:50:29,151 --> 00:50:30,678
Joe Dirt.

866
00:50:30,778 --> 00:50:32,404
It puts the lotion on!

867
00:50:32,947 --> 00:50:36,100
You have no idea
what kind of hell I can bring you!

868
00:50:36,200 --> 00:50:37,685
All right!

869
00:50:37,785 --> 00:50:42,023
Enough, you broken record! Okay!
I've been down here for two weeks, man.

870
00:50:42,123 --> 00:50:43,065
What do you want?

871
00:50:43,165 --> 00:50:46,193
It puts the lotion on its skin, now!

872
00:50:46,293 --> 00:50:49,947
Well, say it, don't spray
it, brother! Dang.

873
00:50:50,047 --> 00:50:51,157
I need a towel now.

874
00:50:51,257 --> 00:50:53,133
It does what it's told!

875
00:50:55,136 --> 00:50:58,497
There. Look.
I'm puttin' the lotion on the skin.

876
00:50:58,597 --> 00:50:59,806
I'm rubbin' it in.

877
00:51:03,811 --> 00:51:07,256
Hey, to tell you the truth,
brother, between you and me,

878
00:51:07,356 --> 00:51:10,316
that thing with the dog
is comin' off a little fruity.

879
00:51:11,152 --> 00:51:12,277
That's just me talkin'. I don't...

880
00:51:13,696 --> 00:51:15,389
Where's my supplies?

881
00:51:15,489 --> 00:51:17,699
Yeah. Come on, man.
I thought we had a deal.

882
00:51:18,159 --> 00:51:20,368
For Christ's sake! Here!

883
00:51:23,038 --> 00:51:24,789
Auto Trader!

884
00:51:25,291 --> 00:51:26,666
August. I don't got this one.

885
00:51:27,001 --> 00:51:28,277
There's some deals in here.

886
00:51:28,377 --> 00:51:30,529
Check this out. A '71 'Cuda,

887
00:51:30,629 --> 00:51:32,114
plum crazy purple.

888
00:51:32,214 --> 00:51:34,241
This guy wants 14 grand.

889
00:51:34,341 --> 00:51:35,508
What?

890
00:51:36,010 --> 00:51:39,497
I'd give him 7,500. I used to have
one of these. This guy's crazy.

891
00:51:39,597 --> 00:51:42,348
We've got the place surrounded.
Come out with your hands in the air.

892
00:51:45,936 --> 00:51:48,464
- Hey, a little help?
- There he is, boys! Get him!

893
00:51:48,564 --> 00:51:50,523
- Get him!
- Man in the hole.

894
00:51:51,525 --> 00:51:53,735
- Down here.
- Stay on your back!

895
00:51:54,361 --> 00:51:55,862
I hear people.

896
00:51:57,406 --> 00:52:01,284
Hey, it puts the Joe Dirt in the hole.

897
00:52:02,495 --> 00:52:05,898
Yeah, he was gonna flay you alive,
then use your skin to cover himself

898
00:52:05,998 --> 00:52:07,650
like a Joe Dirt trench coat.

899
00:52:07,750 --> 00:52:09,276
Yeah? That's gross, man.

900
00:52:09,376 --> 00:52:11,779
I think these are pictures
from the Grand Canyon.

901
00:52:11,879 --> 00:52:14,448
Yeah, he's been takin'
hundreds of photos over the years,

902
00:52:14,548 --> 00:52:15,825
lookin' for skin that he liked.

903
00:52:15,925 --> 00:52:18,160
Then he was gonna wear the skin
around the house with his wiener

904
00:52:18,260 --> 00:52:19,745
tucked under, kind of like a woman.

905
00:52:19,845 --> 00:52:21,387
That's sick, man.

906
00:52:21,680 --> 00:52:23,765
I think that's little me
in the garbage can!

907
00:52:25,392 --> 00:52:28,421
No way. And that's my...
My dad and my mom.

908
00:52:28,521 --> 00:52:30,313
And this is our car.

909
00:52:30,898 --> 00:52:33,592
And it's got Louisiana plates.

910
00:52:33,692 --> 00:52:35,944
Hell, yeah, I'm going
to Louisiana, brother!

911
00:52:41,492 --> 00:52:44,603
So, I cruised down south to New Orleans
and found a base of operations

912
00:52:44,703 --> 00:52:46,538
for my search at a local grade school.

913
00:52:47,248 --> 00:52:48,998
I was gonna be a janitor.

914
00:52:49,834 --> 00:52:51,251
Mostly mopping.

915
00:52:51,460 --> 00:52:53,503
Once in a while
you got a problem with the boiler.

916
00:52:53,712 --> 00:52:56,073
You have to hit it with a hammer,
but it's a good job.

917
00:52:56,173 --> 00:52:58,784
That's all right.
I appreciate this job, man.

918
00:52:58,884 --> 00:53:02,163
This'll be a good base for me here
in Louisiana while I look for my parents.

919
00:53:02,263 --> 00:53:03,847
I got a picture of 'em.

920
00:53:10,604 --> 00:53:11,604
I don't recognize them.

921
00:53:12,982 --> 00:53:15,692
If you find them, are you gonna
tell 'em what happened to you?

922
00:53:18,320 --> 00:53:21,474
That Buffalo Bob thing?
There's not much to tell.

923
00:53:21,574 --> 00:53:25,076
I heard some things.
It's not good. He's a bad guy.

924
00:53:25,703 --> 00:53:27,480
What... What exactly did you hear?

925
00:53:27,580 --> 00:53:29,873
The past is past, the future's now.

926
00:53:31,292 --> 00:53:33,543
That's true. Amen to that.

927
00:53:34,795 --> 00:53:37,406
Clem, are you from around here?
'Cause your accent sounds like

928
00:53:37,506 --> 00:53:40,159
- New York or somethin'.
- No. I'm from here.

929
00:53:40,259 --> 00:53:43,136
Born and raised. No, not here.

930
00:53:43,721 --> 00:53:45,054
Over in Kansas.

931
00:53:48,183 --> 00:53:50,560
- Is this your wife?
- Ex-wife.

932
00:53:51,145 --> 00:53:52,797
She was shot six times.

933
00:53:52,897 --> 00:53:55,148
New York City. I mean, Kansas.

934
00:53:57,192 --> 00:53:58,719
She was somethin'.

935
00:53:58,819 --> 00:54:01,430
Her eyes were somethin'.
Azure, you know.

936
00:54:01,530 --> 00:54:04,157
Honey-blonde hair. Her body...

937
00:54:05,534 --> 00:54:07,785
Her legs went on for days.

938
00:54:08,329 --> 00:54:13,025
If she was here right now,
maybe we'd have a house with a little fence

939
00:54:13,125 --> 00:54:15,418
up in Silvertown,
that place you talk about.

940
00:54:16,170 --> 00:54:17,587
That's a nice place.

941
00:54:19,423 --> 00:54:21,549
You... You really loved her, huh?

942
00:54:21,800 --> 00:54:24,177
- You might say that.
- Yeah.

943
00:54:24,720 --> 00:54:27,206
Clem, a kid puked
in the cafeteria again.

944
00:54:27,306 --> 00:54:29,140
We need a cleanup right away.

945
00:54:30,267 --> 00:54:31,351
I'm on it!

946
00:54:34,313 --> 00:54:35,772
That's you.

947
00:54:39,860 --> 00:54:42,429
Hey, I'm Joe. Where's the throw-up?

948
00:54:42,529 --> 00:54:44,139
Over there in the middle
of the lunch room.

949
00:54:44,239 --> 00:54:46,324
Hey, I'll get that cleaned up
lickety-split.

950
00:54:46,867 --> 00:54:49,687
Speakin' of lickety-split, let's meet up
later, see what's goin' on.

951
00:54:49,787 --> 00:54:52,439
I'm kiddin'.
But seriously, let's hook up.

952
00:54:52,539 --> 00:54:55,500
I'm new in town, kinda lonely,
lookin' for my parents.

953
00:54:57,086 --> 00:54:59,488
Yeah. Well, the puke pile's
right over there.

954
00:54:59,588 --> 00:55:00,880
It's a pretty big pile of puke.

955
00:55:01,715 --> 00:55:03,549
So, clean the puke. Okay.

956
00:55:05,719 --> 00:55:07,720
Well, well, lookie here.

957
00:55:09,556 --> 00:55:11,057
Corn off the cob.

958
00:55:14,061 --> 00:55:15,963
This kid should get his money back.

959
00:55:16,063 --> 00:55:19,107
- Look! The janitor's gonna eat the puke!
- They're hilarious, huh?

960
00:55:19,942 --> 00:55:21,886
I assure you I won't. I'm a vegetarian,

961
00:55:21,986 --> 00:55:23,861
and it looks like
there's some meat in there.

962
00:55:24,947 --> 00:55:26,656
I like kids. They seem to like...

963
00:55:27,950 --> 00:55:28,992
They seem to like me.

964
00:55:34,415 --> 00:55:36,791
I'll try the old reverse psychology.

965
00:55:38,669 --> 00:55:41,629
I like gettin' hit with hot dogs.
It don't bother me none.

966
00:55:42,965 --> 00:55:44,090
Stop it!

967
00:55:44,591 --> 00:55:47,093
I guess I'm lucky
it wasn't hot chili day today.

968
00:55:49,930 --> 00:55:52,207
Okay, class, let's hear
what these results are.

969
00:55:52,307 --> 00:55:55,810
If my calculations are correct,
this will create ice.

970
00:55:58,105 --> 00:56:00,189
No! Killer mustard gas!

971
00:56:09,199 --> 00:56:10,616
What'd you say?

972
00:56:13,287 --> 00:56:15,481
You're talkin' to me all wrong. It's...

973
00:56:15,581 --> 00:56:16,914
It's the wrong tone.

974
00:56:17,833 --> 00:56:21,153
You do it again, I'll stab you in the face
with a soldering iron.

975
00:56:21,253 --> 00:56:22,613
Is that right?

976
00:56:22,713 --> 00:56:24,297
Let me ask you somethin'.

977
00:56:26,383 --> 00:56:28,134
Does your mother sew?

978
00:56:31,180 --> 00:56:32,722
Get her to sew that!

979
00:56:40,522 --> 00:56:43,258
You'd think those stupid punks
could come up with somethin' funnier than

980
00:56:43,358 --> 00:56:45,777
"Don't eat it! Don't eat it!
Here's a hot dog!"

981
00:56:54,578 --> 00:56:56,063
Hey, what's goin' on, man?

982
00:56:56,163 --> 00:56:57,288
Did you kick their asses?

983
00:56:57,790 --> 00:56:59,400
He saved us from the mustard gas.

984
00:56:59,500 --> 00:57:00,708
You saved our lives, Clem.

985
00:57:01,710 --> 00:57:04,003
Not me! That's the guy!

986
00:57:04,713 --> 00:57:06,532
No, you're the one that carried us out.

987
00:57:06,632 --> 00:57:08,174
Shut up, you hard-on.

988
00:57:08,842 --> 00:57:10,843
That's the guy! That's the hero!

989
00:57:11,136 --> 00:57:14,180
All right, well, then,
thank God for Joe Dirt.

990
00:57:14,306 --> 00:57:16,417
- No, man, It wasn't me.
- That's Joe Dirt!

991
00:57:16,517 --> 00:57:19,920
- Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!
- Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!

992
00:57:20,020 --> 00:57:21,646
Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!

993
00:57:24,233 --> 00:57:25,691
Come on, Joe Dirt!

994
00:57:26,485 --> 00:57:28,345
How does it feel to be a hero, Joe?

995
00:57:28,445 --> 00:57:31,015
- Over here, Mr. Dirt.
- Well, it's like this.

996
00:57:31,115 --> 00:57:32,850
Probably feels pretty good,

997
00:57:32,950 --> 00:57:35,853
especially after that brutal run-in
with Buffalo Bob.

998
00:57:35,953 --> 00:57:38,522
I don't know why you ask about that guy.
Nothin' happened.

999
00:57:38,622 --> 00:57:40,024
That's not what I heard.

1000
00:57:40,124 --> 00:57:42,109
What's the deal with your haircut, Joe?

1001
00:57:42,209 --> 00:57:44,486
It's a wig.
I was born without the top of my skull.

1002
00:57:44,586 --> 00:57:47,114
Everybody, I'm lookin' for my parents.

1003
00:57:47,214 --> 00:57:51,035
Here's a picture of them. It's taken
15 years ago at the Grand Canyon.

1004
00:57:51,135 --> 00:57:54,830
If anybody has any information
on the whereabouts of 'em,

1005
00:57:54,930 --> 00:57:56,999
please call this number, okay.

1006
00:57:57,099 --> 00:57:58,292
You might get a machine.

1007
00:57:58,392 --> 00:58:01,295
But if a girl answers, her name's Brandy.
Give her your info.

1008
00:58:01,395 --> 00:58:03,604
I appreciate any help I can get.

1009
00:58:04,148 --> 00:58:06,774
That bein' said, here's the real scoop.

1010
00:58:07,401 --> 00:58:09,219
I ain't the guy that saved them kids.

1011
00:58:09,319 --> 00:58:10,736
Oh, my God.

1012
00:58:11,238 --> 00:58:14,240
I'm sorry, man. Here's the real hero.

1013
00:58:15,075 --> 00:58:18,312
His name's Clem Doore,
and he's from Josette, Louisiana.

1014
00:58:18,412 --> 00:58:20,647
- He's a friend of mine.
- No.

1015
00:58:20,747 --> 00:58:23,040
He's your real hero, people, not me.

1016
00:58:27,921 --> 00:58:30,574
Let's go. Come on, come on.
Move it, move it.

1017
00:58:30,674 --> 00:58:32,493
Move your asses. Come on.

1018
00:58:32,593 --> 00:58:34,661
Okay, this is where
that rat bastard lives.

1019
00:58:34,761 --> 00:58:36,747
You two shoot him low,
you shoot him high.

1020
00:58:36,847 --> 00:58:39,307
- I'm gonna shoot him right through his heart.
- All right, let's go.

1021
00:58:40,475 --> 00:58:43,186
Come on, let's move it!
Kick it in! Kick it in!

1022
00:59:01,663 --> 00:59:02,914
Hey.

1023
00:59:03,749 --> 00:59:06,276
- What happened here?
- Don't I know you from somewhere?

1024
00:59:06,376 --> 00:59:07,736
I don't know. What's goin' on?

1025
00:59:07,836 --> 00:59:08,946
Hey, wait a minute, yeah.

1026
00:59:09,046 --> 00:59:11,573
You're that guy that had that run-in
with that psycho over in Indiana.

1027
00:59:11,673 --> 00:59:13,033
Buffalo Bob, right?

1028
00:59:13,133 --> 00:59:15,927
- Yeah. It was really no big deal.
- No big deal?

1029
00:59:16,303 --> 00:59:18,747
- That's not what I heard.
- Is Clem all right?

1030
00:59:18,847 --> 00:59:20,139
No, he's dead.

1031
00:59:20,682 --> 00:59:21,917
He's dead? Man, what happened?

1032
00:59:22,017 --> 00:59:25,337
Your buddy Clem's real name
was Anthony Benedetti.

1033
00:59:25,437 --> 00:59:28,465
He was the former boss
of the Cammalleri crime family.

1034
00:59:28,565 --> 00:59:31,677
He was in town here
on the Federal witness relocation program.

1035
00:59:31,777 --> 00:59:33,053
- What?
- He turned informer

1036
00:59:33,153 --> 00:59:34,721
when the Syndicate executed his wife.

1037
00:59:34,821 --> 00:59:37,432
His old cronies must've
somehow found he was down here

1038
00:59:37,532 --> 00:59:39,226
and they came and killed him.

1039
00:59:39,326 --> 00:59:41,436
He killed all them, too.

1040
00:59:41,536 --> 00:59:42,745
It's a big mess.

1041
00:59:46,041 --> 00:59:48,251
Oh, my God, man. This is my fault.

1042
00:59:48,669 --> 00:59:49,919
Hey, hey, hey!

1043
00:59:52,547 --> 00:59:55,075
Can you be cool and let me
just talk to him for a second here, man?

1044
00:59:55,175 --> 00:59:57,536
I just... He's a friend of mine.
This whole thing's my fault.

1045
00:59:57,636 --> 00:59:58,886
All right, go ahead.

1046
00:59:59,680 --> 01:00:01,582
Clem, I didn't know
you didn't wanna be on TV.

1047
01:00:01,682 --> 01:00:04,918
I was just tryin' to get the word out
about my parents, man. I'm so sorry.

1048
01:00:05,018 --> 01:00:07,186
But maybe you'll find
your wife in heaven.

1049
01:00:07,521 --> 01:00:09,522
She'll be just how you remembered her.

1050
01:00:10,190 --> 01:00:12,275
Them big doe eyes.

1051
01:00:13,402 --> 01:00:15,903
That soft honey-blonde hair.

1052
01:00:17,030 --> 01:00:19,198
Smooth tan skin.

1053
01:00:20,534 --> 01:00:22,576
Huge pert rack.

1054
01:00:22,911 --> 01:00:26,539
Long legs goin' up to that tight butt.

1055
01:00:31,586 --> 01:00:34,255
Clem, you asshole. Are you alive?

1056
01:00:36,008 --> 01:00:39,385
They're pretending I'm dead
so's they can move me.

1057
01:00:39,511 --> 01:00:42,664
I just didn't know you were in this
witness protection thing, brother.

1058
01:00:42,764 --> 01:00:44,791
I never would have said
your name on TV, man.

1059
01:00:44,891 --> 01:00:48,587
It's okay. I felt it was time
to move on anyway, you know.

1060
01:00:48,687 --> 01:00:51,731
Maybe find a better town.

1061
01:00:52,733 --> 01:00:54,801
Joe, there's somethin'
you should think about.

1062
01:00:54,901 --> 01:00:56,887
I was thinkin' about that car.

1063
01:00:56,987 --> 01:01:00,057
The Rambler wagon. That's a rare car.

1064
01:01:00,157 --> 01:01:03,310
People would remember selling
a car like that.

1065
01:01:03,410 --> 01:01:04,853
Where's that dead guy?

1066
01:01:04,953 --> 01:01:06,787
Wait, wait, Joe. Wait.

1067
01:01:07,664 --> 01:01:10,041
Take care, Joe Dirt.

1068
01:01:11,752 --> 01:01:13,210
Watch my hair.

1069
01:01:14,504 --> 01:01:19,159
Yep, those came with a six-cylinder 258
automatic with three on the tree.

1070
01:01:19,259 --> 01:01:21,370
Sweet-lookin' little things,
weren't they?

1071
01:01:21,470 --> 01:01:23,137
For sure, man. How many?

1072
01:01:23,638 --> 01:01:25,666
Well, that's what I'm tryin'
to call up here.

1073
01:01:25,766 --> 01:01:30,671
Now let's see.
In Louisiana, 1968, we sold...

1074
01:01:30,771 --> 01:01:33,715
Wee, doggy!
Seventy-three of those little buggers.

1075
01:01:33,815 --> 01:01:37,844
Now you tell me your daddy's name, and I'll
tell you the dealership where he bought it.

1076
01:01:37,944 --> 01:01:41,113
That's just it. I don't know his name.
That's what I'm tryin' to find out.

1077
01:01:42,491 --> 01:01:43,767
Well, then,

1078
01:01:43,867 --> 01:01:49,690
the best I can do is give you a printout
of all 73 people who bought the car.

1079
01:01:49,790 --> 01:01:53,568
Later, if you come up with their last name,
you can go on from there.

1080
01:01:53,668 --> 01:01:55,612
By the way, I'm only doin' all of this

1081
01:01:55,712 --> 01:02:00,158
'cause I heard that that Buffalo Bob guy
shoved a road flare up your bunghole.

1082
01:02:00,258 --> 01:02:01,300
What?

1083
01:02:01,802 --> 01:02:04,496
- Hoorah.
- What...

1084
01:02:04,596 --> 01:02:05,872
I keep hearin' about this guy.

1085
01:02:05,972 --> 01:02:08,974
Nothin' happened with him.
Nothin' weird. Nothin'.

1086
01:02:09,518 --> 01:02:13,046
Anyway, that list had names
from all over the state.

1087
01:02:13,146 --> 01:02:15,966
But I was flat broke.
I didn't have no money for gas.

1088
01:02:16,066 --> 01:02:19,485
So, I found a job, and that
led to the biggest break In my case yet.

1089
01:02:21,154 --> 01:02:23,015
I don't know, Joe.

1090
01:02:23,115 --> 01:02:27,144
The way you describe that town
out in the northwest, Silvertown.

1091
01:02:27,244 --> 01:02:29,787
Hell, I have half a mind
to move there myself.

1092
01:02:30,831 --> 01:02:33,374
- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure, honey. Shoot.

1093
01:02:34,751 --> 01:02:36,752
Your mom and dad still alive?

1094
01:02:37,587 --> 01:02:38,838
No.

1095
01:02:39,506 --> 01:02:40,840
Did they die?

1096
01:02:42,300 --> 01:02:46,580
One night, they got swallowed up
by the biggest damn gator we ever had.

1097
01:02:46,680 --> 01:02:49,750
- No.
- Before they died, they killed that gator

1098
01:02:49,850 --> 01:02:52,502
from the inside
by punchin' out his heart, is my guess.

1099
01:02:52,602 --> 01:02:55,088
- That's brutal.
- The brutal part?

1100
01:02:55,188 --> 01:02:57,799
Later that night,
I took my mama's hedge clippers

1101
01:02:57,899 --> 01:03:01,026
and cut open that gator
and pulled my folks out of its belly.

1102
01:03:01,695 --> 01:03:03,430
See, I just couldn't stand the thought

1103
01:03:03,530 --> 01:03:06,115
of my parents
being turned into alligator shit.

1104
01:03:07,075 --> 01:03:09,118
God, I hate these nasty things!

1105
01:03:10,287 --> 01:03:11,662
Hurry up, Phillip.

1106
01:03:12,706 --> 01:03:14,206
If I met the right man,

1107
01:03:14,875 --> 01:03:19,670
I mean, hell, I'd just shut
this old gator farm down and...

1108
01:03:21,548 --> 01:03:24,951
But, you know, you probably don't
wanna hear all my problems.

1109
01:03:25,051 --> 01:03:26,161
Folks, grab the kids.

1110
01:03:26,261 --> 01:03:27,970
- The gator show's about to start.
- Yeah.

1111
01:03:28,597 --> 01:03:31,390
Well, I'd better go. It's show time.

1112
01:03:35,145 --> 01:03:39,007
There's three things to remember
when dealin' with a deadly alligator.

1113
01:03:39,107 --> 01:03:41,802
And, yes, they are deadly.
Don't kid yourself.

1114
01:03:41,902 --> 01:03:44,612
Rule number one, I'm number one.

1115
01:03:45,739 --> 01:03:48,809
You hear that? I like to kid around.

1116
01:03:48,909 --> 01:03:50,644
Rule two, the croc's number two.

1117
01:03:50,744 --> 01:03:51,978
Now, before I begin...

1118
01:03:52,078 --> 01:03:54,455
- Hey, what's rule three?
- What's that?

1119
01:03:55,123 --> 01:03:56,149
Kid, give me a break now.

1120
01:03:56,249 --> 01:03:59,069
- So, you don't know rule three?
- Yeah, you want a match?

1121
01:03:59,169 --> 01:04:01,921
My face and your ass.
How about that, friend?

1122
01:04:02,047 --> 01:04:05,659
I mean, your ass and my face.
What's up? Here we go.

1123
01:04:05,759 --> 01:04:09,637
I'm a bit of a crocophile,
so don't try this at home.

1124
01:04:10,514 --> 01:04:13,807
This here's Rocky,
and he ain't no puppy.

1125
01:04:14,518 --> 01:04:16,936
Now, let's see if Rocky's
got some cavities.

1126
01:04:19,731 --> 01:04:24,401
Now, this mofo knows
not to mess with Sir Joseph Dirt.

1127
01:04:26,446 --> 01:04:28,197
You didn't listen to me!

1128
01:04:32,452 --> 01:04:35,287
Rocky! Rocky! No!

1129
01:04:35,539 --> 01:04:37,623
Come on. Rocky!

1130
01:04:38,333 --> 01:04:39,500
Rocky!

1131
01:04:47,425 --> 01:04:50,678
When bad pets go bad, dang!

1132
01:04:51,680 --> 01:04:54,056
Joe, are you all right?

1133
01:04:59,854 --> 01:05:03,065
It's like the cartoons.
I'm seein' all tweet-tweet.

1134
01:05:04,025 --> 01:05:05,693
Joe, what can I do for you?

1135
01:05:06,486 --> 01:05:09,738
- You're not makin' any sense.
- Not makin'?

1136
01:05:11,366 --> 01:05:12,575
Not makin'?

1137
01:05:14,536 --> 01:05:17,496
That's why Dad named you
Joe Dirt instead of Nunamaker!

1138
01:05:17,998 --> 01:05:20,833
Nunamaker! Nunamaker!

1139
01:05:21,835 --> 01:05:25,030
That's what my sister said
on the way to the Grand Canyon.

1140
01:05:25,130 --> 01:05:28,241
My last name's Dirt,
her last name's Nunamaker!

1141
01:05:28,341 --> 01:05:30,009
That's my parents' last name!

1142
01:05:31,219 --> 01:05:34,789
I checked my list of Rambler wagons.
And there it was, Nunamaker.

1143
01:05:34,889 --> 01:05:36,890
Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

1144
01:05:38,351 --> 01:05:39,727
I was finally home.

1145
01:05:48,028 --> 01:05:49,028
Sir.

1146
01:05:49,529 --> 01:05:52,698
Hey, Mister, you know
the people who live here, Nunamaker?

1147
01:05:54,117 --> 01:05:56,353
- They moved.
- What's that?

1148
01:05:56,453 --> 01:05:57,729
Moved!

1149
01:05:57,829 --> 01:06:01,691
They moved. 'Bout 15 year ago.

1150
01:06:01,791 --> 01:06:02,943
Had a little boy.

1151
01:06:03,043 --> 01:06:05,419
Had exact kind of haircut you got now.

1152
01:06:06,713 --> 01:06:08,782
Goddamn, you outta date, boy.

1153
01:06:08,882 --> 01:06:11,091
Yeah, man. That little boy, that's me.

1154
01:06:12,010 --> 01:06:14,053
My parents were... This was my home.

1155
01:06:15,388 --> 01:06:17,249
I thought this was it this time.

1156
01:06:17,349 --> 01:06:19,183
Nah. Home is where you make it.

1157
01:06:20,101 --> 01:06:21,685
You like to see homos naked?

1158
01:06:23,438 --> 01:06:24,813
Home is where you make it.

1159
01:06:25,148 --> 01:06:26,565
Yeah. You like to see homos naked.

1160
01:06:26,691 --> 01:06:29,302
- That's cool, man. Whatever.
- No, no, no, no, no!

1161
01:06:29,402 --> 01:06:31,236
Home is where you make it!

1162
01:06:31,738 --> 01:06:33,530
Home where you make it.

1163
01:06:35,200 --> 01:06:37,743
Everybody know that. Goddamn, boy.

1164
01:06:39,329 --> 01:06:42,164
Guy likes to see homos naked.
That don't help me.

1165
01:06:52,592 --> 01:06:55,370
So, there I was, right back
where I started all those years ago,

1166
01:06:55,470 --> 01:06:57,763
and no closer to findin' my parents.

1167
01:07:01,101 --> 01:07:03,503
And I think a little part of me
died right there.

1168
01:07:03,603 --> 01:07:06,605
But you know that saying,
"Things get the darkest before dawn"?

1169
01:07:10,276 --> 01:07:12,679
I thought I had broken my ass bone.

1170
01:07:12,779 --> 01:07:15,599
So, I tried not to move.
And I'm lyin' there starin' at the moon.

1171
01:07:15,699 --> 01:07:19,394
And for the first time in my life,
I think about not gettin' back up.

1172
01:07:19,494 --> 01:07:22,037
Maybe I'll just lie there
for the rest of my life, you know.

1173
01:07:22,956 --> 01:07:25,874
But then, suddenly,
while starin' up at the moon,

1174
01:07:27,961 --> 01:07:30,405
I had this strange feeling
that exact moment,

1175
01:07:30,505 --> 01:07:32,532
Brandy was starin' at that same moon.

1176
01:07:32,632 --> 01:07:34,534
And we were together.

1177
01:07:34,634 --> 01:07:37,203
And just then,
all the tumblers fell into place.

1178
01:07:37,303 --> 01:07:41,166
And this door opened in my head,
and all at once I understood everything.

1179
01:07:41,266 --> 01:07:43,585
You have to find the real answer
inside yourself.

1180
01:07:43,685 --> 01:07:47,172
And the answer for me
was that I had a home all along,

1181
01:07:47,272 --> 01:07:49,257
with a friend that really
cared about me.

1182
01:07:49,357 --> 01:07:51,801
Brandy. I missed her like crazy,

1183
01:07:51,901 --> 01:07:54,179
and I decided it was time to go home.

1184
01:07:54,279 --> 01:07:55,612
My search was over.

1185
01:08:02,495 --> 01:08:06,566
Brandy, wish I hadn't gotten the machine.
It's me, Joe.

1186
01:08:06,666 --> 01:08:08,860
I got some crazy stuff to tell you,

1187
01:08:08,960 --> 01:08:12,405
but the most important part is
I'm comin' back to Silvertown.

1188
01:08:12,505 --> 01:08:15,033
I can't wait to see you
and tell you everything.

1189
01:08:15,133 --> 01:08:16,117
Brandy, I...

1190
01:08:16,217 --> 01:08:17,509
Message deleted.

1191
01:08:35,987 --> 01:08:37,112
Yeah!

1192
01:08:51,878 --> 01:08:53,738
Well, well, well,

1193
01:08:53,838 --> 01:08:56,074
if it isn't dirty Joe Dirt.

1194
01:08:56,174 --> 01:08:57,450
Hey, Robby, what's crappenin'?

1195
01:08:57,550 --> 01:09:00,219
Don't get smart with me,
you motherless dirtbag!

1196
01:09:00,970 --> 01:09:03,623
- You been here long enough.
- I'm here to see Brandy.

1197
01:09:03,723 --> 01:09:05,709
Brandy? My Brandy?

1198
01:09:05,809 --> 01:09:08,211
You haven't heard?
Me and her are gettin' married.

1199
01:09:08,311 --> 01:09:11,047
Yeah. And besides,
she don't wanna see you anyway.

1200
01:09:11,147 --> 01:09:13,091
- I don't believe that.
- Well, it's true.

1201
01:09:13,191 --> 01:09:15,760
- She found your stupid parents.
- What?

1202
01:09:15,860 --> 01:09:17,887
Yeah, she found 'em down in California.

1203
01:09:17,987 --> 01:09:19,264
But she didn't wanna tell you,

1204
01:09:19,364 --> 01:09:22,142
'cause she wants you gone,
out on the road lookin' for nothin',

1205
01:09:22,242 --> 01:09:23,518
so you won't be here.

1206
01:09:23,618 --> 01:09:26,604
She's sick of all your crap.
She's sick of helpin' you.

1207
01:09:26,704 --> 01:09:29,482
And she's just plain sick of you.

1208
01:09:29,582 --> 01:09:31,609
No, she wouldn't do that. I know Brandy.

1209
01:09:31,709 --> 01:09:34,821
She wouldn't not tell me about my parents.
I don't care how sick of me she is.

1210
01:09:34,921 --> 01:09:37,407
Yeah? Well, check out
this note she left me.

1211
01:09:37,507 --> 01:09:39,842
In case you called
and I answered the phone.

1212
01:09:41,761 --> 01:09:43,595
"Dear Robby,

1213
01:09:45,265 --> 01:09:47,224
"if Joe calls,

1214
01:09:47,934 --> 01:09:50,170
"don't tell him

1215
01:09:50,270 --> 01:09:54,398
"I found his parents.

1216
01:09:55,108 --> 01:09:58,777
"I'll be back in a few days."

1217
01:09:59,195 --> 01:10:00,680
See, she signed it right there.

1218
01:10:00,780 --> 01:10:03,907
"Brandy. XOXO."

1219
01:10:04,617 --> 01:10:07,604
That's right, Dirt.
Nobody wants you in this town.

1220
01:10:07,704 --> 01:10:09,663
Nobody wants you around, period!

1221
01:10:12,959 --> 01:10:14,418
Look at him, fellas.

1222
01:10:14,961 --> 01:10:17,864
You cryin', boy? You cryin', boy?

1223
01:10:17,964 --> 01:10:19,464
Maybe we'll go back down to McDonald's

1224
01:10:19,591 --> 01:10:21,800
and get you a whaa-burger
and some French cries!

1225
01:10:21,926 --> 01:10:23,953
How about a Whineken?

1226
01:10:24,053 --> 01:10:27,806
You little sissy boy! Def Leppard sucks!

1227
01:10:33,980 --> 01:10:37,274
For the record, I wasn't crying'.
There was dirt in my eyes.

1228
01:10:37,442 --> 01:10:40,386
Joey, it's not cuttin' it, man.
It's jive.

1229
01:10:40,486 --> 01:10:43,056
- My story? No, man. Everything I said is true.
- No, not your story.

1230
01:10:43,156 --> 01:10:45,642
Brandy. Brandy is jive.

1231
01:10:45,742 --> 01:10:48,520
And I wanna get her on the phone right now.
I wanna track her down.

1232
01:10:48,620 --> 01:10:51,105
And I wanna ask her why she was
playin' these games with you.

1233
01:10:51,205 --> 01:10:52,774
No, man.
No, you don't need to bother her none.

1234
01:10:52,874 --> 01:10:54,400
Freddy? Freddy, get line 3 on speaker.

1235
01:10:54,500 --> 01:10:56,277
No. No. You know what, guys, I'm fine.

1236
01:10:56,377 --> 01:10:57,403
Everything's cool with me.

1237
01:10:57,503 --> 01:10:59,614
I mean, I got a place up in Malibu,
I got lots of friends.

1238
01:10:59,714 --> 01:11:04,118
I do worry about you, man. You know why?
Because you're livin' In a boiler room, Joe.

1239
01:11:04,218 --> 01:11:05,495
Yeah, I got a couple places.

1240
01:11:05,595 --> 01:11:07,664
You know what, Joey? I think you...

1241
01:11:07,764 --> 01:11:10,458
You know what,
I can't believe I'm sayin'...

1242
01:11:10,558 --> 01:11:14,295
I think we need some resolution here.
We need a little closure.

1243
01:11:14,395 --> 01:11:16,589
I wanna get this woman on the phone,
and I wanna ask her

1244
01:11:16,689 --> 01:11:18,383
what the hell was goin' on back then.

1245
01:11:18,483 --> 01:11:19,676
Did she find your parents?

1246
01:11:19,776 --> 01:11:24,446
Did she ever track 'em down, and if she did,
well, why couldn't she have called you?

1247
01:11:24,989 --> 01:11:26,031
Hello?

1248
01:11:27,283 --> 01:11:31,813
Well, well, well, the famous Brandy,
Tokyo Rose of the trailer park.

1249
01:11:31,913 --> 01:11:35,316
Hey, Brandy, I'm sittin' here
with a friend of yours,

1250
01:11:35,416 --> 01:11:39,279
a little white-trash treasure that you
might know by the name of Joe Dirt.

1251
01:11:39,379 --> 01:11:41,281
- Ring a bell?
- Joe?

1252
01:11:41,381 --> 01:11:42,782
Yeah, Joe.

1253
01:11:42,882 --> 01:11:44,993
And I don't think
he wants to talk to you, Brandy.

1254
01:11:45,093 --> 01:11:47,453
And you know why?
'Cause over the last few days,

1255
01:11:47,553 --> 01:11:50,540
my listeners and I
have heard an amazing story.

1256
01:11:50,640 --> 01:11:54,043
You know what? When he first started this
story, I thought of you as a good person.

1257
01:11:54,143 --> 01:11:56,462
But the more it rolled on down the road,

1258
01:11:56,562 --> 01:11:58,798
I'm not sure you are
a good person, Brandy.

1259
01:11:58,898 --> 01:12:01,483
Why didn't you tell him
you'd found his parents?

1260
01:12:01,734 --> 01:12:05,070
Oh, my God. How'd he find out?

1261
01:12:05,655 --> 01:12:09,100
So, the letter Robby showed Joe is true?
You wrote that?

1262
01:12:09,200 --> 01:12:11,728
Yes, I wrote that letter,

1263
01:12:11,828 --> 01:12:14,037
because I wanted to tell Joe in person.

1264
01:12:15,206 --> 01:12:17,483
And months went by,
and he never came home.

1265
01:12:17,583 --> 01:12:20,210
Joe, I did find where your parents were.

1266
01:12:21,004 --> 01:12:23,755
Joe, brace yourself for this.

1267
01:12:26,259 --> 01:12:27,926
Your parents are dead, Joe.

1268
01:12:29,220 --> 01:12:31,221
They died that day at the Grand Canyon.

1269
01:12:31,681 --> 01:12:34,709
Their car was hit
by a passin' truck, a hit-and-run.

1270
01:12:34,809 --> 01:12:38,770
I'm so sorry, but your search is over.

1271
01:12:39,772 --> 01:12:43,608
Come home, Joe,
so I can take care of you.

1272
01:12:46,779 --> 01:12:48,155
Man.

1273
01:12:52,910 --> 01:12:54,828
- I gotta go.
- Sure.

1274
01:12:56,372 --> 01:12:57,706
Thank you.

1275
01:13:01,127 --> 01:13:03,628
All right, we'll... We'll take a break.

1276
01:13:13,848 --> 01:13:15,891
Yeah, he's Joe Dirt!

1277
01:13:16,309 --> 01:13:18,143
He's Joe Dirt! Yeah!

1278
01:13:18,728 --> 01:13:21,772
Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt! You rule, Joe!

1279
01:13:29,197 --> 01:13:30,197
You rule, Joe!

1280
01:13:30,323 --> 01:13:32,058
You rule! Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!

1281
01:13:32,158 --> 01:13:36,369
Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!
Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!

1282
01:13:41,709 --> 01:13:46,155
The phenomenon of Joe Dirt
has captured the city's imagination.

1283
01:13:46,255 --> 01:13:50,410
The little man, the ordinary person
who endured enormous adversity,

1284
01:13:50,510 --> 01:13:54,372
and all the while maintained
his positive outlook on life,

1285
01:13:54,472 --> 01:13:56,332
teaching us along the way,

1286
01:13:56,432 --> 01:13:58,835
"You can't have 'no' in your heart,"

1287
01:13:58,935 --> 01:14:01,838
and "Life's a garden. Dig it."

1288
01:14:01,938 --> 01:14:06,233
Mr. Dirt is seen here meeting
one of his longtime idols, Eddie Money.

1289
01:14:36,180 --> 01:14:37,457
Welcome back to TRL.

1290
01:14:37,557 --> 01:14:39,667
We are here
with America's sweetheart, Joe Dirt.

1291
01:14:39,767 --> 01:14:41,794
Joe? Joe, come back over here.

1292
01:14:41,894 --> 01:14:44,088
Joe! We have a show to do here.

1293
01:14:44,188 --> 01:14:46,132
People forget we're live.
You like the window, don't you?

1294
01:14:46,232 --> 01:14:47,216
Yeah!

1295
01:14:47,316 --> 01:14:49,677
Joe, before we wrap this up,
is there anything else you wanna say?

1296
01:14:49,777 --> 01:14:52,555
I just wanna say thanks to all the people
that stop me in the street

1297
01:14:52,655 --> 01:14:54,599
and tell me my story
helped them somehow.

1298
01:14:54,699 --> 01:14:55,975
And your story is really cool.

1299
01:14:56,075 --> 01:14:58,394
It's like a Behind the Music
without the music.

1300
01:14:58,494 --> 01:15:02,023
But are you depressed? I mean,
your parents, who you were looking for,

1301
01:15:02,123 --> 01:15:03,941
all along, were dead.

1302
01:15:04,041 --> 01:15:06,486
Was the last decade a complete waste?

1303
01:15:06,586 --> 01:15:10,114
Well, no one's really put it like that,
but I don't think so.

1304
01:15:10,214 --> 01:15:13,951
I've had some good times, I met some cool
people, cruised around, cranked some tunes.

1305
01:15:14,051 --> 01:15:16,636
What about Brandy? Is there any chance
you guys are gonna hook back up?

1306
01:15:17,430 --> 01:15:20,083
Well, you know,
she's a good friend of mine,

1307
01:15:20,183 --> 01:15:22,126
and she's off doin'
her own thing right now,

1308
01:15:22,226 --> 01:15:25,296
but I've always said
she's a little too hot for old Joe Dirt.

1309
01:15:25,396 --> 01:15:27,423
I agree. So does America.

1310
01:15:27,523 --> 01:15:30,676
In fact, in our latest
"Is Brandy too hot For Joe Dirt?" poll,

1311
01:15:30,776 --> 01:15:32,595
61 % of you agreed.

1312
01:15:32,695 --> 01:15:35,473
Even worse, 4% said
the dog was too hot for you.

1313
01:15:35,573 --> 01:15:36,682
- Dang.
- I'm just kidding.

1314
01:15:36,782 --> 01:15:38,726
You're on TRL, California.

1315
01:15:38,826 --> 01:15:40,160
Hello, California.

1316
01:15:40,953 --> 01:15:44,023
Hey, wait... Am I... Am I on? I'm on?

1317
01:15:44,123 --> 01:15:46,526
Hey, baby, I'm on! Yeah.

1318
01:15:46,626 --> 01:15:48,861
Hey, Carson, how big's your Johnny?

1319
01:15:48,961 --> 01:15:52,406
Joe, I think happy hour started
a little early in California.

1320
01:15:52,506 --> 01:15:54,700
- A little drinky-drinky.
- The reason I'm really callin'

1321
01:15:54,800 --> 01:15:57,411
is Joe Dirt's parents ain't dead.

1322
01:15:57,511 --> 01:16:01,666
I'm lookin' at his father right now,
and I'm his mama.

1323
01:16:01,766 --> 01:16:03,642
Ma'am, you should never
drink the bong water.

1324
01:16:04,352 --> 01:16:05,962
Yeah, listen to 'im.

1325
01:16:06,062 --> 01:16:08,965
Carson, just where you wanna be
when Jesus comes back?

1326
01:16:09,065 --> 01:16:10,508
- Makin' fun...
- Sorry, Joe.

1327
01:16:10,608 --> 01:16:14,303
- Wait, wait. Where's that call comin' from?
- California.

1328
01:16:14,403 --> 01:16:15,429
- Listen, I gotta go.
- No, Joe!

1329
01:16:15,529 --> 01:16:16,571
- Joe?
- Joe?

1330
01:16:17,823 --> 01:16:19,517
So, Carson helped me trace the call,

1331
01:16:19,617 --> 01:16:23,119
and it led me to this old trailer park
in Simi Valley, California.

1332
01:16:32,838 --> 01:16:34,256
That's our old car!

1333
01:16:36,425 --> 01:16:38,635
Right here, guys. There he is.

1334
01:16:42,014 --> 01:16:43,249
Joe, can I have an exclusive?

1335
01:16:43,349 --> 01:16:44,599
Your parents are alive after all?

1336
01:16:46,727 --> 01:16:48,478
Joe! Joe! How are you feeling?

1337
01:16:49,730 --> 01:16:51,439
Mom, Dad, is that you?

1338
01:16:54,235 --> 01:16:55,652
Our baby's home.

1339
01:16:56,696 --> 01:16:59,891
Damn. We tried so hard to find him.
We looked high and low.

1340
01:16:59,991 --> 01:17:01,642
I got some pictures here. Look at this.

1341
01:17:01,742 --> 01:17:04,395
Here's a picture of Joe
when he was a baby.

1342
01:17:04,495 --> 01:17:06,355
Did you get it? Yeah. Baby.

1343
01:17:06,455 --> 01:17:08,024
You were a cute baby, Joe Dirt.

1344
01:17:08,124 --> 01:17:10,193
That's why we were so crazy
when we lost him.

1345
01:17:10,293 --> 01:17:12,528
I mean, he's here and now he's gone.

1346
01:17:12,628 --> 01:17:14,796
- Mama, it's all right.
- Where'd he go?

1347
01:17:16,757 --> 01:17:18,576
Did they get it? Where'd he go?

1348
01:17:18,676 --> 01:17:20,995
I was at the canyon, yeah.
You know what?

1349
01:17:21,095 --> 01:17:24,055
It was right by the garbage can
where you left me.

1350
01:17:24,724 --> 01:17:28,393
Wha... Is that where you were?
Well, I'll be dipped.

1351
01:17:28,978 --> 01:17:31,464
- The one place we didn't look.
- I knew you looked for me.

1352
01:17:31,564 --> 01:17:33,216
I told everybody you would.

1353
01:17:33,316 --> 01:17:34,759
And was there ever a time

1354
01:17:34,859 --> 01:17:36,135
when you would look at the moon,

1355
01:17:36,235 --> 01:17:38,846
and was hopin'
maybe I was lookin' at it, too?

1356
01:17:38,946 --> 01:17:41,307
Wouldn't you know that I've been doin'
this clown sort of thing?

1357
01:17:41,407 --> 01:17:43,476
Can everybody get a shot of these?

1358
01:17:43,576 --> 01:17:45,228
Do you see these clown figurines?

1359
01:17:45,328 --> 01:17:47,813
Whenever I used to get sad,
I'd just look at a clown,

1360
01:17:47,913 --> 01:17:48,940
and then I just can't help it.

1361
01:17:49,040 --> 01:17:50,874
I just can't stop grinnin'.

1362
01:17:51,375 --> 01:17:52,709
They're available for purchase.

1363
01:17:53,044 --> 01:17:55,196
We're startin' this Clown.com
kind of a thing.

1364
01:17:55,296 --> 01:17:56,588
- Yeah.
- I...

1365
01:17:57,089 --> 01:17:58,824
I don't mean to interrupt
your clown pitch there,

1366
01:17:58,924 --> 01:18:03,704
but... But how exactly do you
not go right back to the place

1367
01:18:03,804 --> 01:18:05,013
where you saw me?

1368
01:18:08,267 --> 01:18:11,504
Hey, how exactly is a rainbow made?

1369
01:18:11,604 --> 01:18:13,422
How exactly does the sun set?

1370
01:18:13,522 --> 01:18:16,691
How exactly does the Posi-Trac rear end
on a Plymouth work?

1371
01:18:17,610 --> 01:18:19,845
- It just does.
- It just does.

1372
01:18:19,945 --> 01:18:21,597
I'm not talkin' about Posi-Trac.

1373
01:18:21,697 --> 01:18:22,947
I'm talkin' about me.

1374
01:18:23,616 --> 01:18:26,602
How long did you look for me
before you gave up?

1375
01:18:26,702 --> 01:18:29,522
How long were you ridin' in that car
before you realized I wasn't in it?

1376
01:18:29,622 --> 01:18:31,081
Exactly how long?

1377
01:18:38,381 --> 01:18:40,866
All right! We didn't lose him.

1378
01:18:40,966 --> 01:18:44,287
We just left him.
So what? The dude's doin' fine!

1379
01:18:44,387 --> 01:18:45,705
Look at him!

1380
01:18:45,805 --> 01:18:48,457
How could you do that to me?
I was only eight years old.

1381
01:18:48,557 --> 01:18:50,376
I was just a little kid.

1382
01:18:50,476 --> 01:18:54,714
Do you have any idea what it's like to be
a kid and have nobody around to talk to?

1383
01:18:54,814 --> 01:18:57,758
No one that cares
if you're alive or dead?

1384
01:18:57,858 --> 01:19:01,554
Every day you just think you're worthless,
and there's a void in your life.

1385
01:19:01,654 --> 01:19:04,598
- Come on, honey. Lose that frown!
- Lighten up, buddy.

1386
01:19:04,698 --> 01:19:07,617
When you're down, stare at a clown.

1387
01:19:07,827 --> 01:19:09,061
- That's right.
- Hey, sit down!

1388
01:19:09,161 --> 01:19:10,688
- You're blockin' the cameras!
- Move over.

1389
01:19:10,788 --> 01:19:13,915
I don't care about that!
And I don't care about you!

1390
01:19:16,752 --> 01:19:19,572
And I don't wanna see you
for another 25 years!

1391
01:19:19,672 --> 01:19:20,740
Joe, wait!

1392
01:19:20,840 --> 01:19:23,617
I wish he'd never found us!
Look what he did to my children!

1393
01:19:23,717 --> 01:19:25,161
Hey, hey, TV people!

1394
01:19:25,261 --> 01:19:29,165
- Hey, you're grounded!
- Hey, TV people! Why are y'all goin' away?

1395
01:19:29,265 --> 01:19:31,683
Come over here!
You don't have to follow him!

1396
01:19:38,441 --> 01:19:39,858
What are you gonna do now, Joe?

1397
01:19:51,495 --> 01:19:53,329
Somebody do something.

1398
01:19:56,208 --> 01:19:58,751
Joe, just turn around now.

1399
01:20:00,880 --> 01:20:02,380
It's not worth it, Joe.

1400
01:20:04,383 --> 01:20:06,118
We are here at Wallace Bridge,

1401
01:20:06,218 --> 01:20:09,554
where local celebrity Joe Dirt
is threatening to kill himself.

1402
01:20:10,306 --> 01:20:13,417
Come on, Joe.
Remember what you said on the show?

1403
01:20:13,517 --> 01:20:15,477
Life's a garden. Dig it.

1404
01:20:16,687 --> 01:20:19,898
You gotta get down from there, brother.
You don't wanna do this.

1405
01:20:21,192 --> 01:20:22,968
Why not, man, I got nothin'.

1406
01:20:23,068 --> 01:20:27,530
I've been lookin' forever for those people,
and everyone lies to me, man.

1407
01:20:28,407 --> 01:20:29,574
I'm worthless.

1408
01:20:31,952 --> 01:20:32,952
Joe!

1409
01:20:34,330 --> 01:20:35,413
Joe!

1410
01:20:36,373 --> 01:20:40,444
- Hey, sorry, lady. You can't cut through here.
- Joe, it's me, Brandy!

1411
01:20:40,544 --> 01:20:42,863
- It's Brandy? Like, the Brandy?
- Yes!

1412
01:20:42,963 --> 01:20:44,714
Okay. Why didn't you say so? Come on!

1413
01:20:45,591 --> 01:20:47,410
Hey, everybody, Brandy's here!

1414
01:20:47,510 --> 01:20:49,161
- Hey, it's Brandy!
- Come on, come on.

1415
01:20:49,261 --> 01:20:51,513
That's her!

1416
01:20:53,098 --> 01:20:55,433
- Joe!
- Brandy?

1417
01:20:56,018 --> 01:20:57,018
I'm here, Joe.

1418
01:20:57,436 --> 01:21:00,297
You told me my parents were dead,
and I saw 'em.

1419
01:21:00,397 --> 01:21:02,925
They're horrible. Why did you lie to me?

1420
01:21:03,025 --> 01:21:07,263
They saw you on the news when you saved
those kids. They thought you got a reward.

1421
01:21:07,363 --> 01:21:10,558
So, you did see 'em first.
So, it's just like Robby said.

1422
01:21:10,658 --> 01:21:14,369
Yes, but once I met them,
I knew I had to protect you from them.

1423
01:21:15,037 --> 01:21:18,748
They're bad people.
You're not like them, Joe.

1424
01:21:19,625 --> 01:21:23,795
They didn't leave you. You left them.
You've gotta see that.

1425
01:21:24,630 --> 01:21:25,990
And, Joe, if you had stayed with them,

1426
01:21:26,090 --> 01:21:28,951
you wouldn't have turned out
as wonderful as you are.

1427
01:21:29,051 --> 01:21:31,287
Robby said you didn't want me around,

1428
01:21:31,387 --> 01:21:34,457
and he said that you was always
laughin' at me behind my back.

1429
01:21:34,557 --> 01:21:36,792
Why would Robby say such a thing?

1430
01:21:36,892 --> 01:21:38,643
Of course, that's not true.

1431
01:21:39,770 --> 01:21:42,939
I love you, Joe, with all my heart.

1432
01:21:44,066 --> 01:21:48,653
I wanna get married, Joe,
and have little Joe Dirts. Come home, Joe.

1433
01:21:49,321 --> 01:21:52,824
You had a home all along.
You just couldn't see it.

1434
01:21:54,994 --> 01:21:56,160
You really love me?

1435
01:22:03,168 --> 01:22:05,336
I did it! I did it!
I roped him with a bungee cord.

1436
01:22:10,384 --> 01:22:11,869
No!

1437
01:22:11,969 --> 01:22:13,636
Dang!

1438
01:22:15,055 --> 01:22:16,681
- No!
- Joe! Joe!

1439
01:22:35,159 --> 01:22:37,619
Man. I just had the weirdest dream.

1440
01:22:38,120 --> 01:22:39,772
You were in it.

1441
01:22:39,872 --> 01:22:41,289
So were you.

1442
01:22:44,376 --> 01:22:47,086
Oh, my God. Brandy, I'm home?

1443
01:22:48,339 --> 01:22:50,824
Clem, Charlene, Kicking Wing.

1444
01:22:50,924 --> 01:22:52,826
It's not Clem anymore.

1445
01:22:52,926 --> 01:22:54,620
- It's Gert B. Frobe.
- Wha?

1446
01:22:54,720 --> 01:22:56,497
Witness Protection relocated me.

1447
01:22:56,597 --> 01:22:58,207
I asked for Silvertown,

1448
01:22:58,307 --> 01:23:01,100
on account of how you talked about it.
It's wonderful here.

1449
01:23:01,602 --> 01:23:02,628
Hello, Joe Dirt.

1450
01:23:02,728 --> 01:23:04,896
You taught me to sell the good stuff.

1451
01:23:05,731 --> 01:23:11,637
Now I have 30 fireworks stands,
which completely fund my animal shelters.

1452
01:23:11,737 --> 01:23:14,765
- It's all because of you, Joe.
- Good job, brother.

1453
01:23:14,865 --> 01:23:16,600
I sold the gator farm,

1454
01:23:16,700 --> 01:23:19,520
after one of those bastards
snapped off my thumb and middle finger.

1455
01:23:19,620 --> 01:23:24,707
I came up here to check up on you,
and, well, I met Gert B. Frobe.

1456
01:23:24,833 --> 01:23:27,987
And it's a good thing
that gator didn't get my ring finger,

1457
01:23:28,087 --> 01:23:30,322
because Gert's asked me to marry him.

1458
01:23:30,422 --> 01:23:31,824
Yeah.

1459
01:23:31,924 --> 01:23:33,966
- Right on.
- Joe?

1460
01:23:34,301 --> 01:23:36,219
When you were in the hospital
for your head injury,

1461
01:23:36,929 --> 01:23:41,432
I had the doctor surgically put on a wig
that's a little more contemporary.

1462
01:23:53,612 --> 01:23:56,322
Dang! That's cool.

1463
01:23:56,782 --> 01:23:59,810
And, Joe, we have
a big surprise for you.

1464
01:23:59,910 --> 01:24:00,910
What's up?

1465
01:24:02,913 --> 01:24:05,566
My Hemi! You got it outta hock for me?

1466
01:24:05,666 --> 01:24:07,333
Dang! Yeah!

1467
01:24:07,459 --> 01:24:10,336
- Somebody else wants to get in here.
- Who's that?

1468
01:24:10,838 --> 01:24:12,922
Come on, boy! Come on!

1469
01:24:13,799 --> 01:24:15,034
Looks like Charlie!

1470
01:24:15,134 --> 01:24:17,202
Yep. Apparently, back in the day,

1471
01:24:17,302 --> 01:24:20,497
Charlie had a little sexual encounter
with this one's ma.

1472
01:24:20,597 --> 01:24:22,014
Say hello to Charlie Two.

1473
01:24:23,225 --> 01:24:26,545
- Good boy.
- You got a big family now, Joe Dirt.

1474
01:24:26,645 --> 01:24:29,063
- You better be good to us.
- I will.

1475
01:24:35,988 --> 01:24:39,266
Hey, Dirt! I thought I told you, buddy,

1476
01:24:39,366 --> 01:24:40,742
nobody wants you around!

1477
01:24:41,076 --> 01:24:43,979
Hey! You're talkin' to my guy all wrong.

1478
01:24:44,079 --> 01:24:45,356
It's the wrong tone.

1479
01:24:45,456 --> 01:24:48,916
Do it again, I'll stab you in the face
with a soldering iron.

1480
01:24:49,626 --> 01:24:51,836
- You're his dad?
- What if I am?

1481
01:24:53,630 --> 01:24:55,214
What if we're his family?

1482
01:24:57,217 --> 01:24:58,217
Okay.

1483
01:24:59,553 --> 01:25:01,872
At least I know my car
will blow his off the road!

1484
01:25:01,972 --> 01:25:06,476
You actually think you can match that little
Slant Six of yours against his 426 Hemi?

1485
01:25:07,853 --> 01:25:09,437
Well, then let's do it, little boy.

1486
01:25:09,980 --> 01:25:11,314
That's my girl.

1487
01:25:11,982 --> 01:25:13,900
- Let's rock, Dirtboy.
- Let's go!

1488
01:25:20,783 --> 01:25:21,866
Damn.

1489
01:25:33,295 --> 01:25:36,088
Now, it's time for the good stuff!

1490
01:25:36,965 --> 01:25:38,132
Yeah! Light her up!

1491
01:25:41,220 --> 01:25:44,623
This next song goes out to our good friend,
Joe Dirt, the dirt man.

1492
01:25:44,723 --> 01:25:47,334
Joe, wherever you are,
this is for you, buddy.

1493
01:25:47,434 --> 01:25:48,794
Welcome home, Joe.

1494
01:25:48,894 --> 01:25:50,353
Welcome home.