1
00:02:06,510 --> 00:02:08,747
Guys, we gotta
get outta here.
2
00:02:38,542 --> 00:02:41,002
You guys aren't supposed
to be out of your bunks.
3
00:02:41,003 --> 00:02:42,732
You're in trouble.
4
00:02:48,010 --> 00:02:50,303
Wake up!
5
00:02:50,304 --> 00:02:54,170
CAMPERS: Standing in
the rain, with his head hung low
6
00:02:54,683 --> 00:02:56,893
Couldn't get a ticket
It was a sold-out show
7
00:02:56,894 --> 00:03:00,855
Heard the roar of the crowd
He could picture the scene
8
00:03:00,856 --> 00:03:03,191
Put his head to the wall,
and like a distant scream
9
00:03:03,192 --> 00:03:04,609
I'm up!
10
00:03:04,610 --> 00:03:07,028
He heard one guitar
11
00:03:07,029 --> 00:03:09,114
It just blew him away
12
00:03:11,784 --> 00:03:13,818
You guys!
13
00:03:16,288 --> 00:03:19,137
Let's go, girls!
You look hot.
14
00:03:19,208 --> 00:03:21,459
Okay, the Bunk Five boys
are gonna freak out
15
00:03:21,460 --> 00:03:23,494
when they see you
at kick ball. Let's go.
16
00:03:37,434 --> 00:03:39,061
Ow!
17
00:03:51,573 --> 00:03:53,658
All right, let's go.
18
00:04:07,131 --> 00:04:09,632
ARTY ON RADIO:
Good morning, everybody.
19
00:04:09,633 --> 00:04:11,467
Well, it's the
last day of camp.
20
00:04:11,468 --> 00:04:15,012
And it will be sad to shut
down WCFW for the summer.
21
00:04:15,013 --> 00:04:18,433
But not to worry, because those of
you in the Bethesda-Chevy Chase area
22
00:04:18,434 --> 00:04:21,936
can hear me all winter long
on Jewish Day School Radio,
23
00:04:21,937 --> 00:04:25,398
89.9 FM, The Fox.
24
00:04:25,399 --> 00:04:27,984
For those select few of you
who went all summer,
25
00:04:27,985 --> 00:04:30,987
all eight weeks without
finding that special someone,
26
00:04:30,988 --> 00:04:34,031
today is your day, because
you don't wanna go back home
27
00:04:34,032 --> 00:04:37,827
and lie to your friends about a summer
romance that didn't even happen.
28
00:04:37,828 --> 00:04:40,163
And you don't want
to be the one person
29
00:04:40,164 --> 00:04:43,249
who doesn't have anyone to kiss
tonight after the talent show.
30
00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:48,750
So seize the day, Camp Firewood,
because it's your last.
31
00:05:26,710 --> 00:05:30,729
Coop, do you like watching
me and Andy make out?
32
00:05:31,757 --> 00:05:34,217
No. What a weird
thing to say.
33
00:05:34,218 --> 00:05:36,719
God. Coop, you know, you look
so sexy in this sweatshirt.
34
00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:37,804
Uh-huh.
35
00:05:37,805 --> 00:05:39,764
Your ass is so hot.
Stop it.
36
00:05:39,765 --> 00:05:42,350
- Do you want to be my boyfriend?
- No.
37
00:05:42,351 --> 00:05:46,318
I get it.
It's very funny. Stop.
38
00:05:48,524 --> 00:05:50,900
Oh, Coop, you know
I'm just kidding.
39
00:05:50,901 --> 00:05:54,360
Come on. I know, and
it's very, very funny.
40
00:05:54,571 --> 00:05:57,420
Okay, I'm sorry.
41
00:05:57,699 --> 00:05:58,991
Want me to make
it up to you?
42
00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:01,077
No, you've done
enough already.
43
00:06:01,078 --> 00:06:02,662
Coop, I'm gonna
find you a woman today.
44
00:06:02,663 --> 00:06:04,580
Honestly,
don't worry about it.
45
00:06:04,581 --> 00:06:09,668
No. And I'm not gonna rest until
my mission is accomplished, okay?
46
00:06:09,753 --> 00:06:12,672
Okay. Well, then I guess
I'll cancel that order
47
00:06:12,673 --> 00:06:15,258
of onions and Limburger cheese
I made for lunch today.
48
00:06:15,259 --> 00:06:16,479
Ha ha!
49
00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:18,550
Yeah.
50
00:06:19,263 --> 00:06:22,518
I want you inside me.
51
00:06:22,558 --> 00:06:23,933
What?
Hmm?
52
00:06:23,934 --> 00:06:26,223
Oh, hey, what's up?
I was just...
53
00:06:26,395 --> 00:06:28,073
From before.
54
00:06:32,484 --> 00:06:36,737
Coop, were you just talking to Katie?
What was that?
55
00:06:36,738 --> 00:06:38,489
That was, bar none,
56
00:06:38,490 --> 00:06:41,325
the longest conversation I've ever
had with her in six years of camp.
57
00:06:41,326 --> 00:06:44,120
Does she want to fuck me? Is that
what she was asking you about?
58
00:06:44,121 --> 00:06:46,747
Because, tell her
that I will. In fact...
59
00:06:46,748 --> 00:06:49,050
No, don't tell her that I will.
Tell her that I might.
60
00:06:49,051 --> 00:06:51,894
Victor, I hate to break it to you,
but your name didn't even come up.
61
00:06:51,895 --> 00:06:53,629
Oh, she definitely
wants to fuck me.
62
00:06:53,630 --> 00:06:55,867
I mean, why else would
she be talking to you?
63
00:06:56,884 --> 00:06:57,967
No offense.
64
00:06:57,968 --> 00:06:59,239
None taken.
65
00:07:01,471 --> 00:07:03,973
Hello. Hi.
66
00:07:03,974 --> 00:07:06,142
Hello. Uh, hi.
Hi, I'm Beth.
67
00:07:06,143 --> 00:07:07,977
Oh! Nice to meet you.
I'm Henry.
68
00:07:07,978 --> 00:07:09,937
Yeah, I've been
seeing you around,
69
00:07:09,938 --> 00:07:11,647
so I thought
I'd take a chance
70
00:07:11,648 --> 00:07:13,784
and "introduce" myself.
71
00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:25,194
Thank you.
So...
72
00:07:26,496 --> 00:07:28,581
So you work at the camp?
73
00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:31,125
Yeah, I'm the camp director.
How about yourself?
74
00:07:31,126 --> 00:07:33,044
Me? No. I don't
work over there.
75
00:07:33,045 --> 00:07:36,045
No, I know.
I'm the director.
76
00:07:36,131 --> 00:07:37,590
I would know if you were.
77
00:07:37,591 --> 00:07:40,083
Oh! Right.
You would know that.
78
00:07:42,012 --> 00:07:45,556
I teach astrophysics over at the
college in the school year,
79
00:07:45,557 --> 00:07:47,183
and I came here
this summer just to,
80
00:07:47,184 --> 00:07:50,019
you know, relax and reflect.
81
00:07:50,020 --> 00:07:53,230
Wow! You're a professor.
So, what do you teach?
82
00:07:53,231 --> 00:07:55,733
Well, you know, like I
said before, astrophysics.
83
00:07:55,734 --> 00:08:00,863
I study space, stars, comets
and that kind of thing.
84
00:08:00,864 --> 00:08:04,158
"Space: The final frontier."
85
00:08:04,159 --> 00:08:06,346
Right. Thanks for everything.
86
00:08:06,703 --> 00:08:10,164
Hey! You know what? You know
what would be a great idea
87
00:08:10,165 --> 00:08:15,336
if you came by the camp and
taught the campers about space.
88
00:08:15,337 --> 00:08:16,879
No, I couldn't.
89
00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:17,922
Oh, they'd love it.
90
00:08:17,923 --> 00:08:19,924
No, I couldn't possibly.
91
00:08:19,925 --> 00:08:21,008
It would be just...
92
00:08:21,009 --> 00:08:22,688
I said no!
93
00:08:23,387 --> 00:08:25,370
Sorry. That was...
94
00:08:39,361 --> 00:08:42,488
Oh, Coop.
Look at Abby.
95
00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:44,490
Oh, she wants to fuck me.
So help me, God,
96
00:08:44,491 --> 00:08:46,659
she wants to fuck me.
97
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:49,036
And this time, Victor,
I'm sure it's true.
98
00:08:49,037 --> 00:08:53,708
I have to admit, Abby Bernstein
is one of the only berry bushes
99
00:08:53,709 --> 00:08:56,110
that I have yet to pollinate,
if you get my meaning.
100
00:08:56,111 --> 00:08:59,188
Yeah, you mean she's the only girl at
camp you haven't done it with yet?
101
00:08:59,189 --> 00:09:01,424
That's exactly what I mean.
102
00:09:01,425 --> 00:09:03,611
Hey, Gene.
Any mashed potatoes?
103
00:09:08,098 --> 00:09:11,048
Gary! Bring out
the taters!
104
00:09:13,103 --> 00:09:14,770
Here they are.
COOP: Hey, Gary.
105
00:09:14,771 --> 00:09:16,105
Hey, dude, what's up?
106
00:09:16,106 --> 00:09:17,481
Hey, guys.
107
00:09:17,482 --> 00:09:19,719
What'd you say, shithead?
108
00:09:20,152 --> 00:09:21,881
I said, "Hey, guys."
109
00:09:21,903 --> 00:09:23,779
What's your glitch, Gene?
110
00:09:23,780 --> 00:09:27,450
Listen to me, you fucked-up little
cigarette-smoking piece of shit.
111
00:09:27,451 --> 00:09:30,077
I was in the Vietnam War.
112
00:09:30,078 --> 00:09:32,824
I know.
Oh, yeah.
113
00:09:33,749 --> 00:09:35,249
The 'Nam.
114
00:09:35,250 --> 00:09:38,794
Excuse me, ladies.
You may remember me
115
00:09:38,795 --> 00:09:43,466
as the guy who came to dinner a few
weeks ago with underwear on my head.
116
00:09:43,467 --> 00:09:45,092
My name is Keith Stack.
117
00:09:45,093 --> 00:09:49,346
From Millburn, New Jersey.
State bird, the mosquito.
118
00:09:49,347 --> 00:09:52,099
And as you may have heard,
I am recently
119
00:09:52,100 --> 00:09:55,603
a crowned class B
Dungeon Master.
120
00:09:55,604 --> 00:09:58,147
So if any of you would
like to play D&D today,
121
00:09:58,148 --> 00:10:02,167
please speak now
or forever hold your peace.
122
00:10:03,779 --> 00:10:05,253
Anyone?
123
00:10:06,364 --> 00:10:09,742
Alexa, maybe you'd
like to join in?
124
00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:12,870
We do need a druid, and
you have definitely cast
125
00:10:12,871 --> 00:10:15,617
a level 5 charm spell on me.
126
00:10:16,041 --> 00:10:18,167
In your dreams, douche bag.
127
00:10:18,168 --> 00:10:21,587
Douche bags are hygienic products.
I take that as a compliment.
128
00:10:21,588 --> 00:10:22,671
Thank you.
129
00:10:22,672 --> 00:10:24,402
Ew! Ew!
130
00:10:36,353 --> 00:10:38,521
Well, we made it to the end
of the summer in one piece,
131
00:10:38,522 --> 00:10:41,273
except for a few campers
who are lepers.
132
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:43,156
Good one, Beth.
133
00:10:45,028 --> 00:10:47,265
Thank you, Gene.
134
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:58,040
Excuse me. Could you tell me
where I could find the, uh...
135
00:10:58,041 --> 00:11:02,161
How do I put this?
The, uh, sci-fi,
136
00:11:02,712 --> 00:11:03,983
nerdy...
137
00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:06,382
The indoor kids?
138
00:11:06,383 --> 00:11:07,591
Bunk Three.
139
00:11:07,592 --> 00:11:09,372
Oh, yeah. Thanks.
140
00:11:13,890 --> 00:11:15,822
Hey, guys.
141
00:11:17,227 --> 00:11:20,126
I'm Associate
Professor Newman.
142
00:11:20,230 --> 00:11:23,689
Who'd like to spend the last day
at camp doing science projects?
143
00:11:26,194 --> 00:11:28,991
Okay, okay.
Okay, cool.
144
00:11:35,078 --> 00:11:37,872
I've seen more fucked-up shit
happen in five minutes out there
145
00:11:37,873 --> 00:11:40,457
than you'll see
in your whole fucking life.
146
00:11:40,458 --> 00:11:42,293
Yeah, well, Gene,
I'm really sorry, you know.
147
00:11:42,294 --> 00:11:43,752
If I could change history,
I would.
148
00:11:43,753 --> 00:11:48,090
Fuck you! Now, we need to make eight
gallons of bug juice by snack hour.
149
00:11:48,091 --> 00:11:51,135
Do you know where the
powder packets are? Yeah.
150
00:11:51,136 --> 00:11:54,722
In the pantry over the sink, right
next to my bottle of dick cream!
151
00:11:54,723 --> 00:11:56,401
Wait.
152
00:11:57,809 --> 00:11:59,977
Ignore that last comment.
153
00:11:59,978 --> 00:12:02,104
Did you say dick cream?
No.
154
00:12:02,105 --> 00:12:04,690
I said "stick team."
155
00:12:04,691 --> 00:12:09,066
You know, stick team? Stickball? Forget about it.
Go away! Leave me alone.
156
00:12:09,738 --> 00:12:12,114
I'm pretty sure he said
dick cream, but...
157
00:12:12,115 --> 00:12:13,946
Victor.
158
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:17,678
I need you and Neil to take the
Eagles out on Moose River today.
159
00:12:17,679 --> 00:12:18,762
I made them a promise.
160
00:12:18,763 --> 00:12:20,247
It's the last day
of camp, Beth.
161
00:12:20,248 --> 00:12:21,749
It's not gonna work for me.
162
00:12:21,750 --> 00:12:23,459
Oh, it's not gonna work for you?
No.
163
00:12:23,460 --> 00:12:27,254
It's not gonna work for you. Okay,
how about this as a compromise?
164
00:12:27,255 --> 00:12:29,715
The Eagles are going
to go out on Moose River,
165
00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:32,801
and you and Neil
are going to take them.
166
00:12:32,802 --> 00:12:34,303
What?
Hey, you guys!
167
00:12:34,304 --> 00:12:36,605
Everybody focus up, okay?
All eyes here.
168
00:12:36,606 --> 00:12:39,808
I would like to announce that Ben and I
are planning to produce a musical number
169
00:12:39,809 --> 00:12:42,019
from Godspell for the talent show tonight.
170
00:12:42,020 --> 00:12:45,898
I'm sorry. Ben is producing, I
am directing/choreographing.
171
00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:49,151
I'm only speaking from personal experience,
but if you can't carry a tune,
172
00:12:49,152 --> 00:12:51,528
don't come into the audition
environment and waste our time.
173
00:12:51,529 --> 00:12:54,281
For serious, okay? Okay. And
bring a lot of movement clothes,
174
00:12:54,282 --> 00:12:57,868
aka jazz shoes,
dance belts, lycras, et al.
175
00:12:57,869 --> 00:13:00,037
And seriously,
FYl, you guys,
176
00:13:00,038 --> 00:13:03,123
this is not an excuse to get out
of your regular activities.
177
00:13:03,124 --> 00:13:06,043
This is an excuse to do
some good musical theater.
178
00:13:06,044 --> 00:13:08,712
So be prepared,
be enthusiastic,
179
00:13:08,713 --> 00:13:11,006
and leave your bullshit attitude
and baggage at the door,
180
00:13:11,007 --> 00:13:12,591
because we don't need it!
181
00:13:12,592 --> 00:13:14,718
Hey, you guys!
Everybody focus up!
182
00:13:14,719 --> 00:13:18,973
Oh, I was thinking maybe
we could take a walk later,
183
00:13:18,974 --> 00:13:22,229
maybe go out to Gunner's
Pass one last time.
184
00:13:22,394 --> 00:13:24,937
God damn it, Katie!
You're suffocating me!
185
00:13:24,938 --> 00:13:27,022
I'm chokin', all right?
Give me some breathing room.
186
00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:30,734
I just want to spend some time with you, you know.
It's our last day at camp.
187
00:13:30,735 --> 00:13:31,986
My butt itches.
188
00:13:31,987 --> 00:13:33,487
What are you talking about?
189
00:13:33,488 --> 00:13:35,572
Hey, we're
soul mates, right?
190
00:13:35,573 --> 00:13:37,353
What? Yeah.
191
00:13:37,742 --> 00:13:41,912
Whatever, if you want.
J .J ., save me a waffle, man.
192
00:13:41,913 --> 00:13:44,039
Andy, I'm serious.
Come on.
193
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,791
I just want it
to be special.
194
00:13:45,792 --> 00:13:47,668
Fuck you, dyke!
195
00:13:47,669 --> 00:13:49,420
Why are you being
such an asshole?
196
00:13:49,421 --> 00:13:50,796
I gotta finish my breakfast.
197
00:13:50,797 --> 00:13:54,408
I love you, baby.
So good talking to you.
198
00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:59,920
Yeah, well,
see you in macrame.
199
00:14:08,732 --> 00:14:11,734
One last,
successful B-K-F-S-T
200
00:14:11,735 --> 00:14:13,986
becomes one
for the record books.
201
00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:16,905
And with T minus 11 hours
to the big talent show,
202
00:14:16,906 --> 00:14:20,159
we sail on aboard
the good ship Firewood
203
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:22,870
toward a little oasis
that I like to call,
204
00:14:22,871 --> 00:14:26,381
"Morning activity time."
205
00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:28,417
What's going on with Silas?
206
00:14:28,418 --> 00:14:29,752
GARY: You didn't hear?
207
00:14:29,753 --> 00:14:31,712
He got kicked out of camp.
Why?
208
00:14:31,713 --> 00:14:34,965
He snuck into the office last night
and videotaped himself jerking off.
209
00:14:34,966 --> 00:14:36,467
You're kidding!
Where's the tape?
210
00:14:36,468 --> 00:14:37,634
He hid it.
211
00:14:37,635 --> 00:14:39,094
Man, we gotta get that tape.
212
00:14:39,095 --> 00:14:42,931
Oh, it's a subject matter I'm sure
you're familiar with, McKinley.
213
00:14:42,932 --> 00:14:44,099
Shut up, J .J.
You shut up.
214
00:14:44,100 --> 00:14:46,018
You shut up.
You shut up.
215
00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:47,239
Ah!
216
00:14:57,405 --> 00:15:00,824
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
217
00:15:00,825 --> 00:15:04,946
And one, and one.
Other side. Other side.
218
00:15:16,883 --> 00:15:18,968
All right. Stop it!
219
00:15:20,970 --> 00:15:26,470
Okay, kids. Um, today
we're going to use some
220
00:15:26,643 --> 00:15:32,087
crayons to make some decorations
for the talent show.
221
00:15:35,819 --> 00:15:37,861
Is that your
wedding ring, Gail?
222
00:15:37,862 --> 00:15:39,321
Um, no.
223
00:15:39,322 --> 00:15:43,659
I mean, yes, actually.
Yes, it is. it was.
224
00:15:43,660 --> 00:15:46,305
It was. it used to be,
I mean, legally.
225
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:50,332
It's so twisted. His lawyer
won't even call me now.
226
00:15:50,333 --> 00:15:51,667
Where are the crayons?
227
00:15:51,668 --> 00:15:53,549
The crayons are...
228
00:15:53,670 --> 00:15:56,839
The crayon is right there.
229
00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:59,484
We could draw
with the markers.
230
00:15:59,884 --> 00:16:01,664
Listen, Valerie,
231
00:16:02,470 --> 00:16:04,596
I need you to be
helpful here, okay?
232
00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:07,975
I do not need you
to undermine me, okay?
233
00:16:07,976 --> 00:16:10,727
But there's only one crayon
left, and it's brown.
234
00:16:10,728 --> 00:16:13,118
There are literally hundreds
of colored markers.
235
00:16:27,745 --> 00:16:29,016
Hey.
236
00:16:31,666 --> 00:16:33,141
Going on your trip?
237
00:16:33,334 --> 00:16:34,605
Yep.
238
00:16:35,712 --> 00:16:38,213
Sucks dick we never really got
to know each other, you know?
239
00:16:38,214 --> 00:16:39,893
Yeah.
240
00:16:40,592 --> 00:16:42,626
You got a stick
of gum, Victor?
241
00:16:43,219 --> 00:16:45,254
I thought you'd never ask.
242
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:03,739
Abby!
What?
243
00:17:03,740 --> 00:17:06,241
My trip... it doesn't
come back until tomorrow.
244
00:17:06,242 --> 00:17:07,910
Don't go.
245
00:17:07,911 --> 00:17:09,640
I can't, because
Beth told me...
246
00:17:12,290 --> 00:17:14,070
Let's go!
247
00:17:17,879 --> 00:17:19,150
I'll be back tonight.
248
00:17:23,468 --> 00:17:24,993
Tonight.
249
00:17:28,431 --> 00:17:32,267
This is "The Beekeeper,"
here on Camp Firewood Radio.
250
00:17:32,268 --> 00:17:35,938
I've got my drones working hard
on a breakfast time rock...
251
00:17:35,939 --> 00:17:37,022
Hey.
252
00:17:37,023 --> 00:17:40,108
Arty, I need you
to take a shower.
253
00:17:40,109 --> 00:17:41,276
Okay.
254
00:17:41,277 --> 00:17:44,321
'Cause your parents are coming tomorrow.
I don't want to get in trouble.
255
00:17:44,322 --> 00:17:47,324
Sure. Because you haven't taken
a shower once yet this summer.
256
00:17:47,325 --> 00:17:48,700
Fine. No problem.
257
00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:50,328
Arty, take a shower.
258
00:17:51,913 --> 00:17:53,540
You're covered in dirt.
259
00:17:54,499 --> 00:17:55,770
Fine.
260
00:17:58,127 --> 00:18:02,452
This is Arty Solomon here,
alias, "The Beekeeper."
261
00:18:02,590 --> 00:18:06,260
You guys, I'm really
gonna miss this place.
262
00:18:06,261 --> 00:18:07,803
Me, too.
263
00:18:07,804 --> 00:18:12,766
Hey, let's all promise that in 10
years from today, we'll meet again
264
00:18:12,767 --> 00:18:15,143
and we'll see what kind of
people we've blossomed into.
265
00:18:15,144 --> 00:18:16,568
Yeah!
266
00:18:16,813 --> 00:18:18,146
What time you wanna meet?
267
00:18:18,147 --> 00:18:20,190
You mean 10 years from now?
Yeah.
268
00:18:20,191 --> 00:18:23,026
Let's meet in the morning
so we can make a day of it.
269
00:18:23,027 --> 00:18:26,363
Okay, so what is it?
Is it like 9:00 or 9:30?
270
00:18:26,364 --> 00:18:28,991
Let's say 9:00, that way
we can be here by 9:30.
271
00:18:28,992 --> 00:18:30,450
Why don't we say 9:30,
272
00:18:30,451 --> 00:18:33,228
and then make it your
beeswax to be here at 9:30?
273
00:18:33,229 --> 00:18:35,180
We're all gonna be
in our late 20's by then.
274
00:18:35,181 --> 00:18:37,708
I just don't see any reason why
we can't be places on time.
275
00:18:37,709 --> 00:18:40,794
Okay, then. it's settled.
9:30 it is.
276
00:18:40,795 --> 00:18:43,287
- All agreed?
- Agreed.
277
00:18:44,132 --> 00:18:46,967
Great, because I have
something at 11:00.
278
00:18:46,968 --> 00:18:49,886
You've just got a Trapper Keeper
full of appointments, right?
279
00:18:49,887 --> 00:18:51,513
No, I just have
something at 11:00
280
00:18:51,514 --> 00:18:54,361
that I can't change it, because
I already moved it twice.
281
00:18:57,562 --> 00:18:59,354
What are you looking at?
282
00:18:59,355 --> 00:19:02,691
Is there a UFO in the sky?
283
00:19:02,692 --> 00:19:07,168
No, no. it's nothing
you need worry about.
284
00:19:09,907 --> 00:19:11,942
Yet.
285
00:19:19,876 --> 00:19:23,538
Andy? Are you
gonna clean that up?
286
00:19:23,588 --> 00:19:25,380
Oh, yeah, I will.
287
00:19:25,381 --> 00:19:28,800
Uh, I just got...
I don't have time right now.
288
00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:32,770
Clean it up and come to my
office for the meeting.
289
00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:35,725
I gotta...
290
00:20:03,586 --> 00:20:05,010
Damn!
291
00:20:25,108 --> 00:20:26,441
Gail, are you okay?
292
00:20:26,442 --> 00:20:28,883
Yeah, I'm okay.
293
00:20:30,988 --> 00:20:33,907
It's just that
my husband Ron...
294
00:20:33,908 --> 00:20:36,910
You know...
No, he's my ex-husband.
295
00:20:36,911 --> 00:20:38,954
I guess I have
to get used to that.
296
00:20:38,955 --> 00:20:41,331
I have to get used
to saying ex, ex, ex.
297
00:20:41,332 --> 00:20:45,299
He's my ex, ex-husband.
298
00:20:45,670 --> 00:20:50,424
You know, it's just
that I thought, like,
299
00:20:50,425 --> 00:20:51,967
when Jonas and I separated,
300
00:20:51,968 --> 00:20:53,697
I thought that
everything was lost.
301
00:20:53,970 --> 00:20:56,004
And then I met Ron
302
00:20:56,931 --> 00:20:59,766
and it just seemed like everything
was gonna work out, you know?
303
00:20:59,767 --> 00:21:00,851
Gail.
304
00:21:00,852 --> 00:21:01,977
Keep going.
We're with you.
305
00:21:01,978 --> 00:21:04,479
I'm a total wreck! I don't even
know where the crayons are.
306
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:05,605
I'm a loser.
307
00:21:05,606 --> 00:21:09,860
I know, I know.
Gail, listen to me.
308
00:21:09,861 --> 00:21:13,822
Ron's who he is and you
can't change that. I know.
309
00:21:13,823 --> 00:21:15,501
Okay?
310
00:21:16,159 --> 00:21:18,326
Gail, listen to me.
Look at me. I am.
311
00:21:18,327 --> 00:21:21,583
Gail, look at me.
Gail, look at me.
312
00:21:21,956 --> 00:21:24,855
I want you
to say, "Okay."
313
00:21:25,334 --> 00:21:26,460
Why?
314
00:21:26,461 --> 00:21:28,546
I want you
to say, "Okay."
315
00:21:29,380 --> 00:21:30,839
Okay.
316
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:32,716
Okay. Good.
317
00:21:32,717 --> 00:21:34,926
I'd like to take this
opportunity to thank you all
318
00:21:34,927 --> 00:21:37,053
for making
the last eight weeks,
319
00:21:37,054 --> 00:21:40,564
without rival, the best
summer of my entire life.
320
00:21:42,101 --> 00:21:44,227
Okay, let's get
to the business.
321
00:21:44,228 --> 00:21:46,822
Okay. Coop, the camp goat
took a shit in the infirmary.
322
00:21:46,823 --> 00:21:48,565
I need you to take
care of that, please.
323
00:21:48,566 --> 00:21:49,733
That's impossible!
324
00:21:49,734 --> 00:21:53,912
No, it is possible, and it happened.
On my shoes.
325
00:21:53,913 --> 00:21:56,364
Abby, Bunk Eight wants to watch
The China Syndrome again,
326
00:21:56,365 --> 00:21:57,866
so you have to run
the Betamax.
327
00:21:57,867 --> 00:21:58,992
Again?
328
00:21:58,993 --> 00:22:00,994
What can I say?
They love it. McKinley.
329
00:22:00,995 --> 00:22:02,454
Four lower campers
330
00:22:02,455 --> 00:22:03,997
are stuck in the ropes course.
331
00:22:03,998 --> 00:22:06,875
I meant to tell you about that
yesterday, but could you get to it now?
332
00:22:06,876 --> 00:22:08,418
And last,
but certainly not least,
333
00:22:08,419 --> 00:22:10,046
tonight is
the big talent show.
334
00:22:10,588 --> 00:22:12,928
We have a lot of hard
work ahead of us.
335
00:22:12,965 --> 00:22:14,185
A few ground rules...
336
00:22:15,092 --> 00:22:16,885
Hey. Hey!
337
00:22:16,886 --> 00:22:20,388
I'm serious here.
I am not joking around.
338
00:22:20,389 --> 00:22:24,434
I am not... I am not Ruth
Buzzi standing here.
339
00:22:24,435 --> 00:22:27,844
I am no Ruth Buzzi
standing here!
340
00:22:32,527 --> 00:22:35,273
Steve?
What you got there?
341
00:22:35,988 --> 00:22:38,824
I have been programmed
342
00:22:38,825 --> 00:22:41,117
by my galactic master
343
00:22:41,118 --> 00:22:43,245
not to talk
to Earth denizens
344
00:22:43,246 --> 00:22:48,587
of classification J .J.
and McKinley-izoid.
345
00:22:52,255 --> 00:22:53,922
Your brother
is such a freak.
346
00:22:53,923 --> 00:22:55,347
I know.
347
00:22:55,591 --> 00:22:58,134
Katie, you're hot, right?
348
00:22:58,135 --> 00:23:00,595
By all accounts, you
would be considered hot.
349
00:23:00,596 --> 00:23:02,138
Is that correct?
350
00:23:02,139 --> 00:23:04,266
Uh, I suppose so.
351
00:23:04,267 --> 00:23:08,353
Okay. So if one
wanted to be hot
352
00:23:08,354 --> 00:23:10,313
and make a good impression,
what would you wear?
353
00:23:10,314 --> 00:23:13,108
You put on a clean
pair of pants?
354
00:23:13,109 --> 00:23:16,619
Beth, come on. Pants?
Are you kidding?
355
00:23:16,696 --> 00:23:20,663
Yes. Pants.
Of course I'm kidding.
356
00:23:20,783 --> 00:23:22,284
You didn't get that
I'm kidding?
357
00:23:22,285 --> 00:23:23,618
Unless you're kidding.
358
00:23:23,619 --> 00:23:28,123
Because pants, Katie.
Come on, please. Pants.
359
00:23:28,124 --> 00:23:30,959
So would you...
Slacks? Pants?
360
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:34,462
I don't know. I think I'd wear
a sexy dress or something.
361
00:23:34,463 --> 00:23:36,715
That... Oh, you're good.
Sexy dress.
362
00:23:36,716 --> 00:23:39,759
Okay.
Uh, that's "A."
363
00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:44,431
Um, what else... What else
would one do if one were...
364
00:23:44,432 --> 00:23:45,807
I'd do my hair.
365
00:23:45,808 --> 00:23:47,225
Oh, get out of town!
366
00:23:47,226 --> 00:23:48,935
I'm not getting out
of town, I'm serious.
367
00:23:48,936 --> 00:23:51,581
And I'd use a little mousse.
368
00:23:51,689 --> 00:23:53,875
Moose, as in...
369
00:23:54,817 --> 00:23:56,568
No, "mousse" for your hair.
370
00:23:56,569 --> 00:23:58,705
Right! Right!
371
00:23:58,821 --> 00:24:00,322
Okay.
What?
372
00:24:00,323 --> 00:24:02,357
Wait a minute, Beth.
Are you...
373
00:24:03,117 --> 00:24:04,409
Huh? What's up?
374
00:24:04,410 --> 00:24:07,412
You dog! You have
a crush on somebody!
375
00:24:07,413 --> 00:24:10,498
I do have a crush. I just don't
believe that he's interested.
376
00:24:10,499 --> 00:24:11,583
What?
377
00:24:11,584 --> 00:24:17,084
Beth, do not worry. Come with me
and I will mousse you up. Come on.
378
00:24:22,887 --> 00:24:26,014
Hey, Andy, can I take out the
motorboat and drive around the lake?
379
00:24:26,015 --> 00:24:27,349
Sure.
380
00:24:27,350 --> 00:24:29,587
Wow! Thanks.
381
00:24:30,194 --> 00:24:32,604
Just make sure you fill it up
with gas when you're done,
382
00:24:32,605 --> 00:24:34,689
and watch out...
383
00:24:34,690 --> 00:24:37,030
Yeah, whatever.
384
00:24:44,367 --> 00:24:47,672
Man, I'd give anything for two
minutes in the closet with Lindsay.
385
00:24:49,872 --> 00:24:51,498
What about Katie?
386
00:24:51,499 --> 00:24:52,624
Who?
387
00:24:52,625 --> 00:24:54,099
Excellent.
388
00:25:07,723 --> 00:25:10,892
Hey. Whatcha writing on?
389
00:25:10,893 --> 00:25:12,644
My gurnal.
390
00:25:12,645 --> 00:25:15,230
I write my thoughts
in it every day.
391
00:25:15,231 --> 00:25:17,520
Oh, you mean a journal.
392
00:25:18,442 --> 00:25:20,276
Yeah, whatever.
393
00:25:20,277 --> 00:25:22,922
Guess I'm not
all smart like you.
394
00:25:23,514 --> 00:25:25,098
Can I see
what you're writing?
395
00:25:25,099 --> 00:25:27,801
Actually, Lindsay, only three
people are allowed to look at this.
396
00:25:27,802 --> 00:25:29,175
Me, myself and I.
397
00:25:30,162 --> 00:25:32,349
But I want you
to share it with me.
398
00:25:34,792 --> 00:25:36,826
Hey!
399
00:25:40,423 --> 00:25:43,633
Let's see.
Debbie Waxman?
400
00:25:43,634 --> 00:25:47,429
No. She makes that weird piggy
face when she talks, you know?
401
00:25:47,430 --> 00:25:51,550
Yeah. Okay, good.
No piggy face.
402
00:25:53,602 --> 00:25:56,062
Rachel Schwartz.
No.
403
00:25:56,063 --> 00:25:57,689
Come on, she's a slut.
She'll go.
404
00:25:57,690 --> 00:25:59,399
I'll pass.
405
00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:00,942
Yeah, you're not
really a slut type.
406
00:26:00,943 --> 00:26:02,652
Yes, I am.
I love sluts.
407
00:26:02,653 --> 00:26:06,672
Sluts rock. No, it's just
gotta be the right slut.
408
00:26:06,782 --> 00:26:08,308
What about Susie?
409
00:26:09,910 --> 00:26:13,163
Yeah. I could
go for Susie.
410
00:26:13,164 --> 00:26:15,165
She and I went out
my first summer here.
411
00:26:15,166 --> 00:26:16,374
When you were 10?
412
00:26:16,375 --> 00:26:20,378
Yeah, we were 10, but we were
into some pretty heavy shit.
413
00:26:20,379 --> 00:26:21,588
What? Did you go all the way?
414
00:26:21,589 --> 00:26:23,898
Yeah, you bet we went all the way.
We went all the way.
415
00:26:23,899 --> 00:26:25,675
Went all the way back, too.
416
00:26:25,676 --> 00:26:28,470
We did doggy style,
pony style.
417
00:26:28,471 --> 00:26:31,181
Style Council. That's a good band.
They're hot right now.
418
00:26:31,182 --> 00:26:33,826
Human League.
They have some good stuff.
419
00:26:34,310 --> 00:26:38,313
League of Nations. That brings in the
whole thing of the United Nations.
420
00:26:38,314 --> 00:26:40,523
That brings in the whole
category of countries.
421
00:26:40,524 --> 00:26:44,652
Where to start?
Well, the obvious one,
422
00:26:44,653 --> 00:26:48,823
the birthplace of spaghetti and
pasta, all that oily stuff. Italy.
423
00:26:48,824 --> 00:26:50,325
Now you go.
424
00:26:50,326 --> 00:26:51,902
Um...
425
00:26:52,119 --> 00:26:53,536
How about Italy?
426
00:26:53,537 --> 00:26:55,205
Yeah, good! it's safe.
427
00:26:55,206 --> 00:26:59,021
Plus, I kind of paved the
way with that one, but...
428
00:27:01,921 --> 00:27:03,497
What?
429
00:27:03,964 --> 00:27:05,846
- What?
- Hey, guys.
430
00:27:06,759 --> 00:27:07,884
Hi, Nancy.
431
00:27:07,885 --> 00:27:09,177
Hi, Katie.
432
00:27:09,178 --> 00:27:11,467
Coop, goat shit.
433
00:27:30,074 --> 00:27:32,210
Andy! Help me!
I fell off the boat!
434
00:27:32,535 --> 00:27:34,702
You French great.
Andy!
435
00:27:34,703 --> 00:27:37,247
You're not so bad
yourself, Mr. Man.
436
00:27:37,248 --> 00:27:39,749
Andy, help me!
I can't swim!
437
00:27:39,750 --> 00:27:42,627
Cut it out, Bobby.
You're fine.
438
00:27:42,628 --> 00:27:45,782
For Christ's sake, Andy,
help me, I'm drowning!
439
00:27:52,054 --> 00:27:53,388
No, you can't
hear the ocean,
440
00:27:53,389 --> 00:27:56,491
but you can learn a great
deal about our world.
441
00:27:57,101 --> 00:27:58,351
Hi, guys.
442
00:27:58,352 --> 00:28:00,937
HENRY: Hey, Beth.
443
00:28:00,938 --> 00:28:03,398
Like the new look.
Très chic.
444
00:28:03,399 --> 00:28:04,816
Thank you, Henry.
445
00:28:04,817 --> 00:28:06,442
Please, call me Henry.
446
00:28:06,443 --> 00:28:08,528
Okay, Henry it is.
447
00:28:08,529 --> 00:28:11,990
So. I see you decided to come
teach the campers, Henry.
448
00:28:11,991 --> 00:28:15,076
Yeah. I'm sorry
I snapped at you before.
449
00:28:15,077 --> 00:28:18,329
I'm just a little shy around children.
But it's been great!
450
00:28:18,330 --> 00:28:21,416
I've got them making miniature black
holes with paper clips and soot.
451
00:28:21,417 --> 00:28:24,252
Oh. What you do
is so fascinating!
452
00:28:24,253 --> 00:28:25,587
You really
like astrophysics?
453
00:28:25,588 --> 00:28:28,173
I love it! it's my biggest hobby.
I love it.
454
00:28:28,174 --> 00:28:32,548
Really? Okay. Who's your
favorite astrophysicist?
455
00:28:33,179 --> 00:28:36,764
My... I totally
know this one.
456
00:28:36,765 --> 00:28:38,189
Anyone...
457
00:28:43,355 --> 00:28:45,186
What time is it?
458
00:28:46,025 --> 00:28:48,026
9:00, 9:30.
459
00:28:48,027 --> 00:28:51,654
I'm so late. I have to
go meet Jim Stansel.
460
00:28:51,655 --> 00:28:53,364
You know Jim?
Uh-huh.
461
00:28:53,365 --> 00:28:55,116
He's that guy.
462
00:28:55,117 --> 00:28:57,243
So I'll talk
to you later. Okay?
463
00:28:57,244 --> 00:28:58,328
Okay.
Okay.
464
00:28:58,329 --> 00:29:01,788
Okay. Okay.
Later, then.
465
00:29:06,003 --> 00:29:09,297
Andy, have you seen
my swimming buddy?
466
00:29:09,298 --> 00:29:11,424
Um...
if I can't find him,
467
00:29:11,425 --> 00:29:13,968
I'm telling Beth
that you let him drown.
468
00:29:13,969 --> 00:29:15,094
I was busy.
469
00:29:15,095 --> 00:29:17,680
It's your job to make sure
kids don't drown.
470
00:29:17,681 --> 00:29:19,724
Lindsay, I need, like,
20 minutes, all right?
471
00:29:19,725 --> 00:29:22,267
Gotta talk to this kid.
472
00:29:23,020 --> 00:29:25,396
Andy, where are we going?
473
00:29:25,397 --> 00:29:27,273
ANDY: To a big,
secret pizza party.
474
00:29:27,274 --> 00:29:29,734
Wow! Cool.
I love pizza.
475
00:29:29,735 --> 00:29:31,871
Yeah, well...
476
00:29:38,118 --> 00:29:40,828
Nancy! Hello.
477
00:29:40,829 --> 00:29:45,166
If I was looking for a book on
astrophysics, where would I find one?
478
00:29:45,167 --> 00:29:48,836
Off the top of my head,
I'd have to say a bookstore.
479
00:29:48,837 --> 00:29:50,004
Or a library.
480
00:29:50,005 --> 00:29:53,508
Right. Just curious.
Keep up the good work.
481
00:29:53,509 --> 00:29:55,238
Okay.
482
00:29:58,222 --> 00:30:00,515
Excuse me.
Uh, Nancy.
483
00:30:00,516 --> 00:30:03,313
Say I wanted to get
a book on, um...
484
00:30:03,978 --> 00:30:05,353
What?
485
00:30:05,354 --> 00:30:07,522
Camp directing, I guess.
Would that be...
486
00:30:07,523 --> 00:30:09,107
Henry.
487
00:30:09,108 --> 00:30:12,360
Henry! Library.
488
00:30:12,361 --> 00:30:13,581
Ooh.
489
00:30:14,697 --> 00:30:15,917
Thank you!
490
00:30:16,699 --> 00:30:20,568
NANCY: Beth! Beth!
491
00:30:20,569 --> 00:30:22,487
If you're going into town,
can you pick me up
492
00:30:22,488 --> 00:30:24,122
something at the drugstore?
493
00:30:24,123 --> 00:30:25,206
Beth, come on.
494
00:30:25,207 --> 00:30:28,376
My husband's coming today
and I need some lube.
495
00:30:28,377 --> 00:30:30,818
For my pussy.
496
00:30:34,675 --> 00:30:35,946
J .J .: Oh, cool!
497
00:30:36,552 --> 00:30:39,909
Beth's going into town.
Let's go! Beth, wait, wait!
498
00:30:43,475 --> 00:30:46,102
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
499
00:30:46,103 --> 00:30:49,510
Come on, Coop!
Come on!
500
00:30:57,698 --> 00:30:59,783
Whoo!
501
00:32:06,100 --> 00:32:07,676
Come on.
502
00:32:39,591 --> 00:32:42,176
Hey, guys,
how was Waterville?
503
00:32:42,177 --> 00:32:43,344
It was really fun.
504
00:32:43,345 --> 00:32:46,804
It's always fun to get away
from camp, even for an hour.
505
00:32:48,308 --> 00:32:51,519
Hey, Katie!
I'll see you later, maybe?
506
00:32:51,520 --> 00:32:53,300
Definitely.
507
00:32:57,401 --> 00:32:59,435
Hey, you guys, wait up!
508
00:33:07,453 --> 00:33:09,579
How far away is
this goddamn river?
509
00:33:09,580 --> 00:33:11,747
It's at least two hours, Vic.
510
00:33:11,748 --> 00:33:13,207
Please. Try to
forget about Abby.
511
00:33:13,208 --> 00:33:16,335
I can't, Neil, okay?
This is my only chance.
512
00:33:16,336 --> 00:33:18,288
What are you talking about?
513
00:33:18,289 --> 00:33:21,415
I'm gonna tell you something, but I
swear to God, if you tell anybody...
514
00:33:21,416 --> 00:33:22,967
I swear to God!
515
00:33:22,968 --> 00:33:24,188
What?
516
00:33:27,598 --> 00:33:29,377
I'm a virgin.
517
00:33:31,268 --> 00:33:33,394
You're joking.
Right, dude?
518
00:33:33,395 --> 00:33:37,669
You're the stallion. You've had
like 50 or 60 women, so I mean...
519
00:33:37,983 --> 00:33:39,864
Actually, it's closer to
520
00:33:40,319 --> 00:33:41,539
zero.
521
00:33:43,113 --> 00:33:45,573
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
522
00:33:45,574 --> 00:33:48,015
You're a loser.
You are a loser!
523
00:33:48,076 --> 00:33:50,925
Oh, my God. Don't!
524
00:33:51,788 --> 00:33:53,415
You're such a loser.
525
00:34:02,257 --> 00:34:04,759
What?
526
00:34:04,760 --> 00:34:07,136
You listen to me,
Mr. Kickass.
527
00:34:07,137 --> 00:34:09,230
Mr. Rubber-burner.
528
00:34:09,231 --> 00:34:12,074
You wipe that hotshot grin off your
face or I'll shoot it off you.
529
00:34:12,075 --> 00:34:14,602
You got that? Now
finish up them taters.
530
00:34:14,603 --> 00:34:15,978
I'm gonna go
fondle my sweaters.
531
00:34:15,979 --> 00:34:17,271
Come on. What?
532
00:34:17,272 --> 00:34:19,273
Finish up the taters.
And then what did you say?
533
00:34:19,274 --> 00:34:20,399
And then what did I say?
534
00:34:20,400 --> 00:34:22,610
You said you were gonna
go fondle your sweaters.
535
00:34:22,611 --> 00:34:25,096
I... No, I didn't.
536
00:34:25,097 --> 00:34:27,173
I said I'm gonna
fondue with cheddar.
537
00:34:27,174 --> 00:34:30,317
I was thinking about making fondue with
cheddar cheese for dinner tonight.
538
00:34:30,318 --> 00:34:31,927
No, Gene, that is
not what you said.
539
00:34:31,928 --> 00:34:33,708
It is what I said.
540
00:34:34,122 --> 00:34:36,499
Fondue with cheddar.
541
00:34:36,500 --> 00:34:38,229
Okay, fine.
542
00:34:42,005 --> 00:34:43,378
Okay, see you later.
543
00:34:44,258 --> 00:34:45,987
See you.
544
00:34:47,261 --> 00:34:51,533
I'm just gonna stop by my
bunk for a real quick sec.
545
00:34:53,141 --> 00:34:55,582
Maybe you should
talk to him.
546
00:34:55,811 --> 00:35:01,203
So, then, Rabbi Rothstein says,
"Sim, sim, sim, sim, ata..."
547
00:35:02,150 --> 00:35:03,217
Hey, McKinley.
548
00:35:03,218 --> 00:35:04,502
Did you take
that shower yet?
549
00:35:04,503 --> 00:35:05,876
Yeah, of course.
550
00:35:06,697 --> 00:35:08,273
Did you?
551
00:35:08,657 --> 00:35:10,284
No.
Take a shower.
552
00:35:13,662 --> 00:35:17,164
Sorry, folks for the "coitus
interruptus," if you will.
553
00:35:17,165 --> 00:35:19,250
I know you're all hungry
for the picnic,
554
00:35:19,251 --> 00:35:21,919
so don't eat too many
barbecued bovine muscles.
555
00:35:21,920 --> 00:35:24,972
Those being hamburgers.
Thank you.
556
00:35:28,427 --> 00:35:32,221
Gail, if I could just
interject something here.
557
00:35:32,222 --> 00:35:35,391
This is gonna sound like I'm
putting down my own gender,
558
00:35:35,392 --> 00:35:40,146
but the truth is, a lot of
the time men can be real,
559
00:35:40,147 --> 00:35:43,911
and excuse the Yiddish,
insensitive schmucks.
560
00:35:44,151 --> 00:35:45,526
It's true.
561
00:35:45,527 --> 00:35:48,324
I know. I know.
562
00:35:48,905 --> 00:35:52,161
It's just that I'm
34-years-old, you know?
563
00:35:52,284 --> 00:35:56,078
I'm just afraid I'm never
gonna meet anybody.
564
00:35:56,079 --> 00:35:58,928
Shh. Just breathe.
It's so sad.
565
00:36:00,876 --> 00:36:03,669
Breathe. Shh. Just breathe.
566
00:36:03,670 --> 00:36:05,087
Feels so good.
567
00:36:05,088 --> 00:36:07,479
Oh, God!
568
00:36:08,008 --> 00:36:10,194
Your hands are magic.
569
00:36:10,260 --> 00:36:11,427
There you go.
570
00:36:11,428 --> 00:36:13,412
You, my friend,
are a magician.
571
00:36:19,478 --> 00:36:20,902
VICTOR: Okay!
(HONKING)
572
00:36:21,188 --> 00:36:24,106
Everyone! immediately!
Out of the van.
573
00:36:24,107 --> 00:36:27,312
Get out of the van.
Out. Out.
574
00:36:28,136 --> 00:36:29,887
What are you doing?
I'm going back to camp.
575
00:36:29,888 --> 00:36:31,689
I'll come back in the
morning and pick you up.
576
00:36:31,690 --> 00:36:33,532
Wait. Just wait a second.
577
00:36:33,533 --> 00:36:34,909
What, Neil?
578
00:36:34,910 --> 00:36:37,953
Well, just wait a minute. You can't
get there and back by sunup.
579
00:36:37,954 --> 00:36:39,997
I am going to be with
Abby Bernstein tonight,
580
00:36:39,998 --> 00:36:41,624
and if you don't like it,
you know what?
581
00:36:41,625 --> 00:36:44,472
You could just go ahead
and fuck yourself!
582
00:36:44,961 --> 00:36:46,691
Hey!
583
00:36:50,801 --> 00:36:54,637
You're making a big
mistake, Victor Pulak.
584
00:36:54,638 --> 00:36:56,468
A big mistake.
585
00:36:56,890 --> 00:36:59,684
Even
though we ain't got money
586
00:36:59,685 --> 00:37:02,853
I'm so in love
with you, honey
587
00:37:02,854 --> 00:37:08,354
And everything will bring
a chain of love, yeah
588
00:37:08,777 --> 00:37:11,828
In the morning when I rise...
589
00:37:12,072 --> 00:37:13,597
Oh, fuck!
590
00:37:14,950 --> 00:37:17,340
Oh, shit!
591
00:37:18,787 --> 00:37:20,211
Abby!
592
00:37:20,288 --> 00:37:23,340
In the morning when I rise
593
00:37:23,458 --> 00:37:26,815
You bring a tear
of joy to my eyes
594
00:37:29,423 --> 00:37:31,049
Hey, Abby.
595
00:37:31,133 --> 00:37:32,758
I thought this was
a different bunk.
596
00:37:32,759 --> 00:37:34,176
No.
597
00:37:34,177 --> 00:37:35,511
Am I bothering you?
598
00:37:35,512 --> 00:37:37,263
No, not at all.
599
00:37:37,264 --> 00:37:40,214
You wanna come
sit on the bed?
600
00:38:04,082 --> 00:38:05,658
That sucks!
601
00:38:09,671 --> 00:38:12,417
Wait for me, Abby Bernstein.
602
00:38:12,924 --> 00:38:14,450
Wait for me, my darling.
603
00:38:15,635 --> 00:38:17,011
Mmm.
Wait, wait, wait.
604
00:38:17,012 --> 00:38:19,554
What? What?
605
00:38:19,765 --> 00:38:22,104
I just want
to take off my shirt.
606
00:38:23,852 --> 00:38:25,227
Where are we going?
607
00:38:25,228 --> 00:38:28,397
I don't know. Victor took the maps.
Shut up and paddle.
608
00:38:28,398 --> 00:38:29,899
I want Victor back.
609
00:38:29,900 --> 00:38:32,359
We all want him back, Sammy,
but he's not coming back.
610
00:38:32,360 --> 00:38:33,903
My name isn't Sammy.
611
00:38:33,904 --> 00:38:37,198
We'll die without him. He's the only
one who can navigate the river.
612
00:38:37,199 --> 00:38:39,909
Fine, you're right.
I'll find the son of a gun.
613
00:38:39,910 --> 00:38:44,079
I'll bring him back here if it's the
last thing I do, dead or alive.
614
00:38:44,080 --> 00:38:46,081
Alive.
We want him alive.
615
00:38:46,082 --> 00:38:48,879
Okay. Wait here.
616
00:38:54,216 --> 00:38:57,675
Okay. Okay.
617
00:38:57,719 --> 00:38:58,990
All right.
618
00:40:15,297 --> 00:40:16,618
Oh, my God!
619
00:40:17,215 --> 00:40:19,675
GARY: Look at
Lindsay's chicken wings.
620
00:40:19,676 --> 00:40:22,303
Debbie Epstein
has, like, Playboy titties!
621
00:40:22,304 --> 00:40:23,596
It's just like Klute!
622
00:40:23,597 --> 00:40:25,890
Holy shit, you guys!
Look, look, look.
623
00:40:25,891 --> 00:40:30,269
Bend over, yes. Take 'em
off, take 'em off. Yes! Yes!
624
00:40:30,270 --> 00:40:34,237
Guys, I'm gonna catch up
with you later, okay?
625
00:40:35,775 --> 00:40:37,985
Dude, that's kind of sad.
626
00:40:37,986 --> 00:40:41,655
He gets so uncomfortable whenever
we talk openly about sexual issues.
627
00:40:41,656 --> 00:40:43,824
You know, he's never
been with a girl before.
628
00:40:43,825 --> 00:40:46,327
McKinley needs
to experience the ultimate.
629
00:40:46,328 --> 00:40:48,120
And I think you know
what I'm talking about.
630
00:40:48,121 --> 00:40:50,331
You mean penis in vagina?
631
00:40:50,332 --> 00:40:53,231
No, dickhead. Sex.
632
00:40:54,002 --> 00:40:56,036
Oh, oh, oh.
633
00:40:58,006 --> 00:40:59,256
They're total nymphos!
634
00:40:59,257 --> 00:41:00,716
Throw the ball!
635
00:41:00,717 --> 00:41:02,090
Yes!
636
00:41:03,678 --> 00:41:06,931
I'm sure we can convince one of the
girls from Bunk Ten to boink McKinley.
637
00:41:06,932 --> 00:41:09,375
They're really horny
this summer.
638
00:41:09,376 --> 00:41:10,818
Where did he go, anyway?
639
00:41:10,819 --> 00:41:12,436
I don't know.
He probably went to go
640
00:41:12,437 --> 00:41:14,455
write his mommy and daddy
a letter or something.
641
00:41:14,456 --> 00:41:15,622
What a fag!
642
00:41:15,623 --> 00:41:17,374
Who are we gonna
set him up with?
643
00:41:17,375 --> 00:41:18,625
How about Debbie?
644
00:41:18,626 --> 00:41:20,653
No, she's got mono.
Right.
645
00:41:20,654 --> 00:41:22,571
How about Debbie?
Who?
646
00:41:22,572 --> 00:41:24,031
You know, Debbie Debbie.
647
00:41:24,032 --> 00:41:26,533
Oh, Debbie Debbie.
No, she's his cousin.
648
00:41:26,534 --> 00:41:27,993
How about tall Debbie?
649
00:41:27,994 --> 00:41:30,079
Too tall.
Yeah.
650
00:41:30,914 --> 00:41:34,291
How about Debbie Freeman?
She's in heat!
651
00:41:34,292 --> 00:41:35,542
Yeah, she wants to French.
652
00:41:35,543 --> 00:41:37,878
No, you shithead.
She wants to get boned.
653
00:41:37,879 --> 00:41:39,129
Then I want her.
654
00:41:39,130 --> 00:41:40,547
You're being ridiculous.
655
00:41:40,548 --> 00:41:43,058
I'm not being ridiculous!
I'm just saying I want her.
656
00:41:43,059 --> 00:41:45,010
This isn't about you.
This is about McKinley.
657
00:41:45,011 --> 00:41:47,212
Haven't you been listening
to what we've been saying?
658
00:41:47,213 --> 00:41:49,156
We're trying to get our
friend McKinley laid.
659
00:41:49,157 --> 00:41:52,226
Ah! Point taken.
660
00:41:52,227 --> 00:41:54,261
Okay. Tonight.
661
00:41:54,354 --> 00:41:55,521
Get McKinley laid.
662
00:41:55,522 --> 00:41:56,772
Come hell or high water?
663
00:41:56,773 --> 00:41:58,197
Secret handshake?
664
00:41:58,858 --> 00:42:01,707
Get McKinley laid!
Get McKinley laid!
665
00:42:24,676 --> 00:42:30,176
As everybody knows, today is the big
culminating, climactic softball game
666
00:42:30,432 --> 00:42:32,766
against evil
Camp Tiger Claw.
667
00:42:32,767 --> 00:42:33,934
Boo!
668
00:42:33,935 --> 00:42:36,270
We have put together
an unlikely
669
00:42:36,271 --> 00:42:40,524
team of misfits, and we've been
training like crazy all summer.
670
00:42:40,525 --> 00:42:42,609
Yeah, it's a motley crew
that you'd think
671
00:42:42,610 --> 00:42:45,112
would never be able
to win a single game.
672
00:42:45,113 --> 00:42:48,449
We had a kooky training period
where it seemed like...
673
00:42:48,450 --> 00:42:51,368
Well, it seemed like nothing
was gonna go right. But, guys,
674
00:42:51,369 --> 00:42:53,704
somehow we made it
to the finals.
675
00:42:53,705 --> 00:42:58,292
So I say, when those anonymously evil
campers from Tiger Claw get here,
676
00:42:58,293 --> 00:43:02,004
we give it our best shot, and we try
to come from behind at the last minute
677
00:43:02,005 --> 00:43:05,340
with some weird trick play that
we made up and we win the game.
678
00:43:05,341 --> 00:43:07,009
What do you say, team?
679
00:43:07,010 --> 00:43:09,136
It sounds like pretty
well-worn territory.
680
00:43:09,137 --> 00:43:12,014
The whole thing feels kind of trite.
I say we forget it.
681
00:43:12,015 --> 00:43:13,348
Is that how everybody feels?
682
00:43:13,349 --> 00:43:14,875
Yeah.
683
00:43:15,435 --> 00:43:17,113
Well, it's fine with me...
684
00:43:27,822 --> 00:43:31,492
So listen, they just aren't into it.
It's kind of trite.
685
00:43:31,493 --> 00:43:33,952
Oh, yeah, you're right.
No problem, man.
686
00:43:33,953 --> 00:43:35,037
It's sort of hackneyed.
687
00:43:35,038 --> 00:43:36,663
Tried and done before.
688
00:43:36,664 --> 00:43:39,411
See you later, man.
689
00:43:43,296 --> 00:43:45,506
It's no big deal. They
were totally cool with it.
690
00:43:45,507 --> 00:43:47,846
Okay? All right.
691
00:43:54,474 --> 00:43:57,392
Dude! Susie is gonna score
with McKinley.
692
00:43:57,393 --> 00:44:00,187
Well, then he's gonna need some
eyewitnesses for verification.
693
00:44:00,188 --> 00:44:02,018
Let's go!
694
00:44:08,738 --> 00:44:11,115
Why does she still
have her clothes on?
695
00:44:11,116 --> 00:44:12,699
Looks like she's
playing the flute.
696
00:44:12,700 --> 00:44:14,632
Oh, wow. Kinky.
697
00:44:20,291 --> 00:44:22,918
As bared witness by myself,
698
00:44:22,919 --> 00:44:27,464
all of Camp Firewood and the higher
power, however you define it,
699
00:44:27,465 --> 00:44:31,009
I hereby consecrate
and sanctify the union
700
00:44:31,010 --> 00:44:33,428
of McKinley and Ben.
701
00:44:33,429 --> 00:44:36,265
May their majestic
and blessed love
702
00:44:36,266 --> 00:44:41,352
flourish all the days
of their lives.
703
00:44:42,355 --> 00:44:45,356
Amen.
Amen.
704
00:44:49,612 --> 00:44:51,989
McKinley's a fag.
705
00:44:51,990 --> 00:44:54,783
McKinley's a fag with Ben!
706
00:44:54,784 --> 00:44:56,208
What are we gonna do?
707
00:44:57,412 --> 00:44:59,649
Capture the flag!
708
00:45:12,302 --> 00:45:15,137
Hey, aren't you
gonna eat anything?
709
00:45:15,138 --> 00:45:17,528
I'm not hungry.
710
00:45:19,309 --> 00:45:23,187
So. You haven't made many
friends this summer, have you?
711
00:45:23,188 --> 00:45:25,147
No, I have not.
712
00:45:25,148 --> 00:45:28,442
Let's drop the robot
voice, shall we?
713
00:45:28,443 --> 00:45:29,735
Okay.
714
00:45:29,736 --> 00:45:31,111
This your first summer here?
715
00:45:31,112 --> 00:45:34,281
Fifth. You were my counselor.
Three times.
716
00:45:34,282 --> 00:45:35,782
Okay, now I'm
the camp director,
717
00:45:35,783 --> 00:45:39,953
so if there's anything I can do to make your
last day more enjoyable, just let me know.
718
00:45:39,954 --> 00:45:41,105
Really?
719
00:45:41,106 --> 00:45:42,873
I have an idea. How about
whatever you've been
720
00:45:42,874 --> 00:45:45,517
working on this summer is your talent
tonight at the big talent show?
721
00:45:45,518 --> 00:45:47,586
That way, the other campers
can get to know you.
722
00:45:47,587 --> 00:45:49,087
It's not a song or anything.
723
00:45:49,088 --> 00:45:51,089
It's okay. I'll have Susie
put you on the list.
724
00:45:51,090 --> 00:45:53,990
Oh, God! Thank you!
725
00:45:55,303 --> 00:45:57,554
How was the waterfront
this morning?
726
00:45:57,555 --> 00:45:59,056
It was good.
727
00:45:59,057 --> 00:46:01,558
Are we gonna get a chance to
spend some time together later?
728
00:46:01,559 --> 00:46:02,893
Katie, are you
gonna pound this
729
00:46:02,894 --> 00:46:04,853
into my face all day?
730
00:46:04,854 --> 00:46:06,481
Sorry.
731
00:46:07,607 --> 00:46:09,793
Apology accepted.
732
00:46:10,018 --> 00:46:12,453
Oh, guess what. This morning,
a bunch of us went into town
733
00:46:12,454 --> 00:46:14,146
and we got ice cream
and hamburgers...
734
00:46:14,147 --> 00:46:16,486
it smells like
the ribs are ready.
735
00:46:20,703 --> 00:46:24,706
Beth, I may regret
saying this,
736
00:46:24,707 --> 00:46:29,032
but how dare you usurp
my authority as producer...
737
00:46:29,462 --> 00:46:31,880
Director/choreographer
of the talent show?
738
00:46:31,881 --> 00:46:33,548
I mean, you were
wrong to do that!
739
00:46:33,549 --> 00:46:36,885
I need you to know I have
been busting my balls, woman!
740
00:46:36,886 --> 00:46:40,180
I am telling you, the
musical numbers are a mess,
741
00:46:40,181 --> 00:46:42,766
my kids are a bunch
of amateurs,
742
00:46:42,767 --> 00:46:46,103
and the last thing I need
today is some diabetic freak
743
00:46:46,104 --> 00:46:50,325
prancing around on stage
making my life a living hell!
744
00:46:52,694 --> 00:46:54,361
All right,
I'll put him last.
745
00:46:54,362 --> 00:46:55,938
Good.
746
00:46:56,864 --> 00:46:59,204
Oh, she always wins!
747
00:47:00,785 --> 00:47:02,769
Don't pick it up, stupid!
748
00:47:03,746 --> 00:47:05,872
Stop picking it up!
749
00:47:05,873 --> 00:47:09,376
You see? This is us,
750
00:47:09,377 --> 00:47:14,877
and we're traveling
around the sun.
751
00:47:15,258 --> 00:47:18,635
That's a 1 .3 million
752
00:47:18,636 --> 00:47:21,555
mile trip every year!
753
00:47:21,556 --> 00:47:23,081
Radical.
754
00:47:23,683 --> 00:47:27,060
You might say that each
and every one of us
755
00:47:27,061 --> 00:47:30,772
is a crew member here
on Spaceship Earth.
756
00:47:30,773 --> 00:47:32,232
When would we say that?
757
00:47:32,233 --> 00:47:33,400
Any time.
758
00:47:33,401 --> 00:47:35,902
Dinner. Literally, any time.
759
00:47:35,903 --> 00:47:38,405
You're amazing. I hope
that when I grow up
760
00:47:38,406 --> 00:47:41,151
I can come to your college
and you can be my professor.
761
00:47:41,242 --> 00:47:43,887
Well, actually, I, uh...
762
00:47:43,953 --> 00:47:46,913
I'm just an
associate professor.
763
00:47:46,914 --> 00:47:48,832
What does that mean?
Melvin!
764
00:47:48,833 --> 00:47:51,043
No, no, it's all right.
765
00:47:51,044 --> 00:47:54,044
It means, Melvin...
766
00:47:54,088 --> 00:47:56,479
it means that I'm...
767
00:48:00,386 --> 00:48:02,726
...less than.
768
00:48:09,854 --> 00:48:11,685
Oh, God!
769
00:48:15,777 --> 00:48:18,421
Hey! What's going on?
770
00:48:19,655 --> 00:48:22,911
Hey, Beth. We're just having
ourselves a little cry.
771
00:48:27,455 --> 00:48:28,914
I know what
this group needs.
772
00:48:28,915 --> 00:48:31,792
How about we grab some lunch and then
watch the Capture the Flag game?
773
00:48:31,793 --> 00:48:33,752
What do you say?
774
00:48:33,753 --> 00:48:36,129
I think we'll take
a rain check, Beth.
775
00:48:36,130 --> 00:48:39,424
We're in the middle of some
pretty interesting stuff here.
776
00:48:39,425 --> 00:48:40,717
Okay. I'll make
you a deal.
777
00:48:40,718 --> 00:48:43,345
You come watch the Capture the
Flag game with the normal kids,
778
00:48:43,346 --> 00:48:46,973
and then you can have the whole rest of
the day to learn about planets, stars,
779
00:48:46,974 --> 00:48:50,310
pulsars, heliocentricity,
gravitational collapse
780
00:48:50,311 --> 00:48:52,479
and the science
of celestial mechanics
781
00:48:52,480 --> 00:48:55,065
as shown through the work of
the 19th century scientists,
782
00:48:55,066 --> 00:48:59,820
Alexis Clairaut, Jean
d'Alembert and Pierre Laplace.
783
00:48:59,821 --> 00:49:01,696
- Okay?
- Okay!
784
00:49:01,697 --> 00:49:03,407
Ready? Break!
785
00:49:03,408 --> 00:49:05,543
All right, come on.
Let's go! Yes!
786
00:49:08,162 --> 00:49:12,332
Gee, I was really impressed by some
of the stuff you said back there.
787
00:49:12,333 --> 00:49:14,042
Oh, it was...
788
00:49:14,043 --> 00:49:16,570
No, Beth, you know
what you're talking about.
789
00:49:16,571 --> 00:49:19,372
I don't know where you find the
time to learn about astrophysics.
790
00:49:19,373 --> 00:49:23,176
I mean, with camp payroll
and insurance to deal with.
791
00:49:23,177 --> 00:49:26,179
Keeping parents happy,
supervising a young staff.
792
00:49:26,180 --> 00:49:27,597
Keeping everyone fed.
793
00:49:27,598 --> 00:49:29,073
Wow.
794
00:49:29,517 --> 00:49:31,768
It was in 1908 that the
first American summer camps
795
00:49:31,769 --> 00:49:33,701
were founded
in the Catskills.
796
00:49:36,524 --> 00:49:38,108
Is there any more corn?
797
00:49:38,109 --> 00:49:39,634
What?
798
00:49:39,861 --> 00:49:41,278
More corn.
799
00:49:41,279 --> 00:49:42,362
Oh, dude.
800
00:49:42,363 --> 00:49:44,531
Lindsay, you got...
801
00:49:44,532 --> 00:49:46,261
What, dude?
802
00:49:46,701 --> 00:49:48,910
What? What are you
doing with your hand?
803
00:49:48,911 --> 00:49:51,556
On your face.
You, uh...
804
00:49:52,123 --> 00:49:54,791
Cat got your tongue, Andy?
What is it?
805
00:49:54,792 --> 00:49:57,294
You have barbecue sauce
all over your face.
806
00:49:57,295 --> 00:49:59,379
I know that. So?
807
00:49:59,380 --> 00:50:00,589
It's pretty foul.
808
00:50:00,590 --> 00:50:03,216
It's just barbecue sauce.
809
00:50:03,217 --> 00:50:06,676
Come on.
I wanna make out.
810
00:50:08,598 --> 00:50:10,937
Okay, but not here.
811
00:50:17,607 --> 00:50:19,691
What's it like
being a professor?
812
00:50:19,692 --> 00:50:21,943
What do they say?
"Publish or perish"?
813
00:50:21,944 --> 00:50:23,979
Well, perish mostly.
814
00:50:24,572 --> 00:50:26,861
I'm up for tenure this fall.
815
00:50:27,408 --> 00:50:30,410
If I don't make my mark soon,
I could end up out of work.
816
00:50:30,411 --> 00:50:32,801
But you're so talented!
817
00:50:33,414 --> 00:50:35,398
Tell that to my dean.
818
00:50:37,126 --> 00:50:39,771
Okay. Okay,
what's his address?
819
00:50:40,630 --> 00:50:43,548
You serious?
56 Linden Lane.
820
00:50:43,549 --> 00:50:44,841
Okay. City?
821
00:50:44,842 --> 00:50:47,177
God, you're really...
Augusta.
822
00:50:47,178 --> 00:50:48,303
State?
823
00:50:48,304 --> 00:50:50,555
I can't believe...
Well, Maine, of course.
824
00:50:50,556 --> 00:50:51,890
Zip?
825
00:50:51,891 --> 00:50:54,586
This is... 04139.
826
00:50:54,769 --> 00:50:57,210
Does he have an apartment number?
No!
827
00:50:57,605 --> 00:51:02,400
Beth, this is incredible. I
don't know how to thank you.
828
00:51:02,401 --> 00:51:06,471
You already have, Henry.
You already have.
829
00:51:14,997 --> 00:51:18,609
This is crazy.
This is crazy.
830
00:52:23,691 --> 00:52:25,358
That's it, Lars.
831
00:52:25,359 --> 00:52:27,777
Good. Keep your
feet together.
832
00:52:27,778 --> 00:52:29,813
Yeah, you got it. Good.
833
00:52:35,536 --> 00:52:39,606
You taste like a burger.
I don't like you anymore.
834
00:52:41,000 --> 00:52:42,678
Whatever!
835
00:52:47,882 --> 00:52:49,674
Damn it!
836
00:52:49,675 --> 00:52:51,556
Is it my turn yet?
837
00:53:03,898 --> 00:53:07,357
So this is where I come
when I want to think.
838
00:53:07,610 --> 00:53:09,084
Wow.
839
00:53:09,904 --> 00:53:12,294
It's very
840
00:53:12,990 --> 00:53:14,974
barn-like.
841
00:53:19,413 --> 00:53:21,448
You know, it's weird, Coop.
842
00:53:22,208 --> 00:53:25,752
I was supposed to be in the woods
with Andy this afternoon, but...
843
00:53:25,753 --> 00:53:30,131
Oh. I'm sorry. We can go back.
We should go back.
844
00:53:30,132 --> 00:53:34,558
No, no! it's okay.
I can see him later.
845
00:53:41,143 --> 00:53:43,075
Give me your hand, Coop.
846
00:53:47,775 --> 00:53:49,300
It's cold.
847
00:53:49,610 --> 00:53:52,051
Yeah. I'm freezing.
848
00:53:52,613 --> 00:53:54,749
Do you want my sweatshirt?
849
00:53:55,324 --> 00:53:56,697
Do you mind?
850
00:54:12,633 --> 00:54:16,957
Okay, Coop, now I'm colder than I
was before when I said I was cold.
851
00:54:18,264 --> 00:54:21,163
Well, do you want
my flannel?
852
00:54:22,143 --> 00:54:23,566
Yeah.
853
00:54:33,529 --> 00:54:37,991
Wow, this is cool! it's a
really great shirt. I love it.
854
00:54:37,992 --> 00:54:40,128
It's my favorite shirt.
855
00:54:40,661 --> 00:54:43,913
So... You're gonna
have to give it back.
856
00:54:43,914 --> 00:54:46,082
Now?
857
00:54:46,083 --> 00:54:47,507
Yeah.
858
00:54:56,886 --> 00:54:58,869
What are we doing?
859
00:54:59,221 --> 00:55:02,070
Do you mean, like,
switching our shirts?
860
00:55:02,183 --> 00:55:03,349
No.
861
00:55:03,350 --> 00:55:04,825
What are we doing?
862
00:55:06,437 --> 00:55:08,166
I don't know.
863
00:55:26,999 --> 00:55:31,127
Okay, so I'm Ron and I'm calling you.
Here we go. Ring, ring.
864
00:55:31,128 --> 00:55:33,569
Hello?
Hi, Gail.
865
00:55:33,798 --> 00:55:35,424
It's me, Ron.
866
00:55:35,633 --> 00:55:38,802
Hi, Ron.
What do you want?
867
00:55:38,803 --> 00:55:44,303
Um... Well, I'm ready to give our
marriage another shot. What do you say?
868
00:55:45,684 --> 00:55:47,210
Um...
869
00:55:48,813 --> 00:55:50,542
Be strong, Gail!
870
00:55:51,232 --> 00:55:55,568
No. No, Ron. it's over.
871
00:55:55,569 --> 00:55:57,349
Goodbye.
872
00:56:06,789 --> 00:56:09,707
Hi, Mom.
Could you get Dad?
873
00:56:09,708 --> 00:56:12,043
Just get him.
874
00:56:12,044 --> 00:56:16,339
Hi, Dad. Okay, are you
guys sitting down?
875
00:56:16,340 --> 00:56:19,592
I met somebody. Well, she's
got this other boyfriend,
876
00:56:19,593 --> 00:56:22,849
but, well, it's just a
matter of time, I think.
877
00:56:23,764 --> 00:56:26,975
Well, her name is Katie,
and she's really great.
878
00:56:26,976 --> 00:56:30,395
And, um... What?
I don't think so.
879
00:56:30,396 --> 00:56:33,106
Well, she might be. She's got
a pretty big nose.
880
00:56:33,107 --> 00:56:36,317
Well, I know how you guys worry
that I have trouble meeting girls.
881
00:56:36,318 --> 00:56:40,948
And I'm just saying,
worry no more, so...
882
00:56:41,115 --> 00:56:43,783
I should get going. She's
probably looking for me.
883
00:56:43,784 --> 00:56:47,599
Okay, I'll talk to you guys tomorrow.
Bye-bye.
884
00:56:48,914 --> 00:56:51,791
This feels so good.
885
00:56:51,792 --> 00:56:54,335
Maybe you shouldn't jump
the gun just yet, Coop.
886
00:56:54,336 --> 00:56:57,505
Very good, very good.
887
00:56:57,506 --> 00:57:00,300
A-plus for comedy, Beth.
888
00:57:00,301 --> 00:57:03,094
Ruth Buzzi
better watch her back.
889
00:57:03,095 --> 00:57:06,656
Beth! "Jump the gun."
890
00:57:11,395 --> 00:57:14,647
Day by day
891
00:57:14,648 --> 00:57:16,858
Day by day
892
00:57:16,859 --> 00:57:22,155
Okay, stop! I feel like I'm watching
regional theater, you guys.
893
00:57:22,156 --> 00:57:24,991
God, am I in the Cleveland
Play House or something?
894
00:57:24,992 --> 00:57:29,954
Your craft is a muscle!
You need to exercise it!
895
00:57:29,955 --> 00:57:32,749
Take a break! Think
about what you've done.
896
00:57:32,750 --> 00:57:35,668
Hey, Susie, have you
seen Katie anywhere?
897
00:57:35,669 --> 00:57:37,211
No. Why?
898
00:57:37,212 --> 00:57:39,305
Oh, no particular reason.
But if you see her,
899
00:57:39,306 --> 00:57:41,174
will you tell her
that I'm looking for her?
900
00:57:41,175 --> 00:57:42,383
Sure.
901
00:57:42,384 --> 00:57:44,215
Okay.
902
00:57:45,804 --> 00:57:48,296
All right, with passion!
903
00:57:50,893 --> 00:57:53,269
Katie! Are you in here?
904
00:57:53,270 --> 00:57:55,271
Oh, hi.
905
00:57:55,272 --> 00:57:59,291
Um, I want to talk
to you later, okay?
906
00:57:59,568 --> 00:58:02,417
Oh, yeah. Sure.
907
00:58:13,666 --> 00:58:16,576
Dinner!
908
00:58:16,577 --> 00:58:19,379
Have you seen J .J . and Gary? Do you
know where they are? Don't know.
909
00:58:19,380 --> 00:58:21,664
I'm a little worried they might
have found out about us.
910
00:58:21,665 --> 00:58:22,885
Hey!
911
00:58:23,092 --> 00:58:25,278
McKinley and Ben!
912
00:58:27,221 --> 00:58:29,153
This is for you.
913
00:58:34,144 --> 00:58:35,503
It's a chaise lounge.
914
00:58:35,504 --> 00:58:37,563
We didn't know if maybe
you guys already had one.
915
00:58:37,564 --> 00:58:39,107
We have the receipt
if you do.
916
00:58:39,108 --> 00:58:41,693
No, we don't have one.
Thank you!
917
00:58:41,694 --> 00:58:44,237
It goes with the chenille throw
cloth Beth's sister gave us.
918
00:58:44,238 --> 00:58:47,907
Okay, everybody, attention.
I've got an announcement.
919
00:58:47,908 --> 00:58:50,618
I know you're all getting ready
for the big talent show tonight,
920
00:58:50,619 --> 00:58:53,538
but the following campers
need to put their trunks out,
921
00:58:53,539 --> 00:58:57,500
so the early bus to Boston
can pick them up at 7:30 a. m.
922
00:58:57,501 --> 00:59:01,421
Amanda Klein,
Jessica Azaria,
923
00:59:01,422 --> 00:59:06,922
Ilra Stevenberg,
Sol Zimmerstein,
924
00:59:09,013 --> 00:59:12,980
uh, David Bengurion.
925
00:59:16,020 --> 00:59:19,897
Cooking slop for the grunts
in 'Nam was easier than this.
926
00:59:19,898 --> 00:59:22,233
We had no
place being over there.
927
00:59:22,234 --> 00:59:24,110
It was a war
we couldn't win, Gene.
928
00:59:24,111 --> 00:59:25,331
Yeah?
929
00:59:26,780 --> 00:59:29,282
Well, I'm gonna go smear
some mud on my ass.
930
00:59:29,283 --> 00:59:30,656
What?
931
00:59:31,952 --> 00:59:37,452
I said, "I hear
my bud's in class."
932
00:59:37,666 --> 00:59:41,169
I gotta go and call my bud
and see how his grades are.
933
00:59:41,170 --> 00:59:43,012
I gotta go. Go away,
leave me alone.
934
00:59:43,013 --> 00:59:44,647
Gene, now, hold on.
935
00:59:44,648 --> 00:59:49,844
Look, I don't care what you do in your
private time, but don't lie about it.
936
00:59:49,845 --> 00:59:53,765
I mean, you clearly said,
"Smear mud on my ass."
937
00:59:53,766 --> 00:59:57,310
And I'll tell you something. if
you wanna smear mud on your ass,
938
00:59:57,311 --> 00:59:59,729
smear mud on your ass.
939
00:59:59,730 --> 01:00:02,272
Just be honest about it.
940
01:00:02,357 --> 01:00:06,527
Look, Gene, I've never
told anyone this before,
941
01:00:06,528 --> 01:00:10,823
but I can suck my own dick.
And I do it.
942
01:00:10,824 --> 01:00:12,241
A lot.
943
01:00:12,242 --> 01:00:15,498
There, I said it.
I was honest.
944
01:00:15,954 --> 01:00:17,497
And you know what, Gene?
945
01:00:17,498 --> 01:00:20,804
Being honest
makes you feel better.
946
01:00:21,668 --> 01:00:24,109
Hey, Katie. Wait.
947
01:00:24,797 --> 01:00:26,155
Hey, I'm sorry about before.
948
01:00:26,156 --> 01:00:27,523
I hope that
wasn't bad timing.
949
01:00:27,524 --> 01:00:28,649
No.
950
01:00:28,650 --> 01:00:30,786
Coop, we have to talk.
Sure.
951
01:00:30,844 --> 01:00:34,680
I was thinking that what happened
between us before was a mistake.
952
01:00:34,681 --> 01:00:36,140
And, uh...
953
01:00:36,141 --> 01:00:37,463
What?
954
01:00:37,684 --> 01:00:39,719
I wasn't thinking straight.
It was wrong.
955
01:00:40,187 --> 01:00:42,355
No, it wasn't wrong.
956
01:00:42,356 --> 01:00:45,001
Katie, why are
you doing this?
957
01:00:45,359 --> 01:00:47,193
I'm really sorry, Coop.
958
01:00:47,194 --> 01:00:50,321
Come on!
This is a joke, right?
959
01:00:50,322 --> 01:00:52,698
I have a boyfriend, Coop.
960
01:00:52,699 --> 01:00:56,871
And I can't... I can't do this.
I'm sorry.
961
01:01:02,334 --> 01:01:04,063
Wait, Katie!
962
01:01:05,462 --> 01:01:08,047
When we first started hanging
out together this morning,
963
01:01:08,048 --> 01:01:10,049
we were just friends,
964
01:01:10,050 --> 01:01:14,629
but things change, and I've
fallen in love with you.
965
01:01:14,721 --> 01:01:17,473
And I just know that if
you gave me a chance,
966
01:01:17,474 --> 01:01:20,059
I could make you
feel so good.
967
01:01:20,060 --> 01:01:23,020
So I'm coming to you,
not as your buddy,
968
01:01:23,021 --> 01:01:26,482
and not as a co-counselor, but
for the first time, as a man.
969
01:01:26,483 --> 01:01:29,402
A man who loves a woman,
970
01:01:29,403 --> 01:01:32,071
and who wants to hold her,
and provide for her,
971
01:01:32,072 --> 01:01:33,906
and, yes, have sex with her.
972
01:01:33,907 --> 01:01:37,535
But, no, seriously, Katie,
I love the way you laugh.
973
01:01:37,536 --> 01:01:39,745
And I love the way
your hair smells.
974
01:01:39,746 --> 01:01:43,666
And I love it that sometimes for
no reason, you're late for shul.
975
01:01:43,667 --> 01:01:47,253
And I don't care that you're bowlegged
and I don't care that you're bilingual.
976
01:01:47,254 --> 01:01:50,339
All I know is that I would have said
no to every single person on your list
977
01:01:50,340 --> 01:01:53,494
because I've always
wanted you.
978
01:01:55,679 --> 01:01:57,865
Coop, I don't know
what to say.
979
01:02:01,810 --> 01:02:03,437
Coop, wait!
980
01:02:05,355 --> 01:02:09,324
Rachael Clipperhofferman,
981
01:02:10,986 --> 01:02:12,570
- Steven Schenk...
- Beth!
982
01:02:12,571 --> 01:02:15,281
Can I make a quick announcement
before we finish up?
983
01:02:15,282 --> 01:02:16,807
Sure thing.
984
01:02:20,871 --> 01:02:24,624
I want to thank all of you
for a terrific summer.
985
01:02:24,625 --> 01:02:27,168
Cooking for all
you nice people
986
01:02:27,169 --> 01:02:30,779
has really helped me get over the fact
that I fought in the Vietnam War.
987
01:02:31,590 --> 01:02:34,050
Have a great winter!
I'm gonna go hump the fridge!
988
01:02:34,051 --> 01:02:35,372
What?
989
01:02:40,807 --> 01:02:43,452
Yes, folks, it's true.
990
01:02:44,519 --> 01:02:46,451
I said, "I'm gonna go
hump the fridge."
991
01:02:47,439 --> 01:02:50,338
What you may not know
is that I also
992
01:02:51,151 --> 01:02:52,526
own a bottle of dick cream,
993
01:02:52,527 --> 01:02:56,546
I fondle my sweaters, and I often
like to smear mud on my ass.
994
01:02:57,366 --> 01:03:01,452
You're probably asking
yourselves, "isn't he a weirdo,
995
01:03:01,453 --> 01:03:04,199
"outcast, loose cannon?"
996
01:03:05,207 --> 01:03:07,393
Maybe. I don't think so.
997
01:03:08,961 --> 01:03:12,572
I want to introduce you guys to someone.
This is my friend.
998
01:03:15,509 --> 01:03:18,916
I don't know who he is,
but I do know this.
999
01:03:19,179 --> 01:03:23,474
At a time when I was trying
to hide myself from myself,
1000
01:03:23,475 --> 01:03:28,155
he was there to show me
a new way.
1001
01:03:29,356 --> 01:03:31,542
Because I couldn't
hide from him.
1002
01:03:33,151 --> 01:03:36,407
And I can be proud
of who I am.
1003
01:03:38,115 --> 01:03:39,365
I put it to you,
1004
01:03:39,366 --> 01:03:42,201
Camp Firewood,
1005
01:03:42,202 --> 01:03:47,697
as we spend our last dinner
together, be proud of who you are!
1006
01:03:50,711 --> 01:03:52,211
Look at me, Ma!
1007
01:03:52,212 --> 01:03:55,417
I made it! I'm okay!
1008
01:04:05,726 --> 01:04:07,760
Now, if you don't mind,
1009
01:04:09,855 --> 01:04:13,670
I have some unfinished
business to attend to.
1010
01:04:29,708 --> 01:04:30,979
Hooray!
1011
01:04:47,225 --> 01:04:50,353
Hey! Hey!
1012
01:04:50,354 --> 01:04:51,879
No! No, no!
1013
01:04:55,233 --> 01:04:57,929
You fucking assholes!
Let me go!
1014
01:04:59,154 --> 01:05:02,198
No! No! No!
Not the thing. No! No!
1015
01:05:02,199 --> 01:05:04,992
Please, don't!
No, no, no!
1016
01:05:04,993 --> 01:05:08,045
No! No!
1017
01:05:18,757 --> 01:05:22,317
Oh, Henry, I'm so happy.
1018
01:05:22,427 --> 01:05:25,632
But what will become
of us tomorrow?
1019
01:05:25,806 --> 01:05:28,224
Hey, you.
Penny for your thoughts.
1020
01:05:28,225 --> 01:05:31,602
Beth, tomorrow's
the least of our problems.
1021
01:05:31,603 --> 01:05:35,481
Oh, don't tell me. Don't
even tell me you have crabs.
1022
01:05:35,482 --> 01:05:36,702
No.
1023
01:05:37,025 --> 01:05:38,484
Well, yes, but that's
not the point.
1024
01:05:38,485 --> 01:05:39,769
Well, what is the point?
1025
01:05:39,770 --> 01:05:41,770
This isn't the time
or the place to discuss it.
1026
01:05:41,771 --> 01:05:45,324
Beth, meet me at the picnic table in 10 seconds.
I'll tell you all about it.
1027
01:05:45,325 --> 01:05:46,749
Okay.
1028
01:05:57,087 --> 01:06:01,057
Beth, hello. Ow! Thanks for coming.
Let's get right to it.
1029
01:06:01,058 --> 01:06:02,383
You may recall
10 seconds ago,
1030
01:06:02,384 --> 01:06:03,609
I asked you to join me here,
1031
01:06:03,610 --> 01:06:06,137
by the picnic table, so I could
tell you what's going on.
1032
01:06:06,138 --> 01:06:10,933
All right. Well, earlier today, I saw
what I thought was possibly a planet,
1033
01:06:10,934 --> 01:06:14,901
also possibly a meteor
in the evening sky.
1034
01:06:15,188 --> 01:06:17,523
I now believe that
object was none other
1035
01:06:17,524 --> 01:06:21,527
than a renegade piece of Skylab,
the NASA space station,
1036
01:06:21,528 --> 01:06:23,863
and it's heading
right for the camp.
1037
01:06:23,864 --> 01:06:25,281
Oh, my God!
1038
01:06:25,282 --> 01:06:26,740
And there's more!
1039
01:06:26,741 --> 01:06:29,869
We have no way of pinpointing
exactly where it's going to land.
1040
01:06:29,870 --> 01:06:31,036
It could kill us all!
1041
01:06:31,037 --> 01:06:32,163
Jesus!
1042
01:06:32,164 --> 01:06:34,957
Wait a minute!
There might be a way
1043
01:06:34,958 --> 01:06:38,043
to build a homemade
Skylab tracking device!
1044
01:06:38,044 --> 01:06:39,336
Which accomplishes?
1045
01:06:39,337 --> 01:06:41,755
We could surmise
the location of impact.
1046
01:06:41,756 --> 01:06:44,633
We could avert a tragedy on
the scale of the Hindenburg.
1047
01:06:44,634 --> 01:06:46,719
Beth, will you help us?
1048
01:06:46,720 --> 01:06:48,220
Anything you need.
1049
01:06:48,221 --> 01:06:49,645
Let's do it!
1050
01:06:51,516 --> 01:06:52,683
Hey, Andy?
1051
01:06:52,684 --> 01:06:54,727
Can I talk to you
for a second?
1052
01:06:54,728 --> 01:06:55,895
Sure.
1053
01:06:55,896 --> 01:06:57,688
Okay, well...
Time's up.
1054
01:06:57,689 --> 01:06:59,482
You said a second.
1055
01:06:59,483 --> 01:07:00,941
I want to ask you something.
1056
01:07:00,942 --> 01:07:02,985
So you want to talk
for more than a second?
1057
01:07:02,986 --> 01:07:04,261
Yeah.
1058
01:07:04,262 --> 01:07:06,455
What is it then? You think,
like a couple minutes?
1059
01:07:06,456 --> 01:07:08,365
No. Yeah, at most, say,
like, three minutes.
1060
01:07:08,366 --> 01:07:09,740
Fine.
1061
01:07:09,993 --> 01:07:11,243
Do you really love Katie?
1062
01:07:11,244 --> 01:07:12,703
Not really.
1063
01:07:12,704 --> 01:07:14,830
Because I really
love her, man.
1064
01:07:14,831 --> 01:07:16,582
And if you have
one ounce of decency,
1065
01:07:16,583 --> 01:07:19,335
you will do the right thing
and you will let her go.
1066
01:07:19,336 --> 01:07:21,268
No way!
No way?
1067
01:07:21,379 --> 01:07:24,048
Fuck, no, dude. She's hot!
In fact, fuck off.
1068
01:07:24,049 --> 01:07:26,643
I will not fuck off.
1069
01:07:27,052 --> 01:07:29,762
You're making a really
big mistake, buddy,
1070
01:07:29,763 --> 01:07:32,932
because that woman
is not your plaything.
1071
01:07:32,933 --> 01:07:34,967
Coop, seriously.
1072
01:07:35,393 --> 01:07:36,435
Fuck off.
1073
01:07:36,436 --> 01:07:38,419
I'm sick of talking
about this with you.
1074
01:07:38,855 --> 01:07:40,380
God!
1075
01:07:49,407 --> 01:07:50,882
Whoa!
1076
01:07:58,208 --> 01:08:01,293
So this is the Skylab
tracking device?
1077
01:08:01,294 --> 01:08:03,295
Is this gonna save
my camp, Henry?
1078
01:08:03,296 --> 01:08:05,965
I don't know. But if it
does, we'll all be heroes.
1079
01:08:05,966 --> 01:08:08,551
In fact, I just got word
that if we pull this off,
1080
01:08:08,552 --> 01:08:10,942
I could be up for the
Hopkins Prize for Physics.
1081
01:08:11,638 --> 01:08:14,473
The Hopkins!
Baby, what a dream.
1082
01:08:14,474 --> 01:08:16,814
You'll finally get
your tenure.
1083
01:08:30,991 --> 01:08:32,617
Be proud of who you are.
1084
01:08:33,034 --> 01:08:34,560
Huh?
1085
01:08:35,579 --> 01:08:37,104
Gene?
Shh.
1086
01:08:38,999 --> 01:08:42,084
It isn't
about the girl, Coop.
1087
01:08:42,085 --> 01:08:43,168
It isn't?
1088
01:08:43,169 --> 01:08:45,204
Well, it is.
1089
01:08:46,673 --> 01:08:49,063
But see if you
can follow me here.
1090
01:08:50,802 --> 01:08:52,022
It...
1091
01:08:54,180 --> 01:08:55,502
...isn't.
1092
01:08:57,475 --> 01:08:59,051
Oh.
1093
01:09:00,145 --> 01:09:02,434
So it is
1094
01:09:02,522 --> 01:09:04,200
and it isn't.
1095
01:09:10,655 --> 01:09:15,182
You are ready to be
taught the new way.
1096
01:09:16,494 --> 01:09:20,920
Will you help teach me
about this...
1097
01:09:22,000 --> 01:09:23,678
What is it?
1098
01:09:24,336 --> 01:09:25,810
A "new way"?
1099
01:10:04,292 --> 01:10:06,377
Show me the fever
1100
01:10:06,378 --> 01:10:08,545
Into the fire
1101
01:10:08,546 --> 01:10:12,424
Taking it higher and higher
1102
01:10:12,425 --> 01:10:16,428
Nothing to fear
it's only desire
1103
01:10:16,429 --> 01:10:19,348
Taking it higher and higher
1104
01:10:19,349 --> 01:10:24,849
Whoo-hoo-hoo
1105
01:10:25,271 --> 01:10:27,916
Higher, higher
1106
01:10:28,316 --> 01:10:30,609
Show me the fever
1107
01:10:30,610 --> 01:10:32,444
Into the fire
1108
01:10:32,445 --> 01:10:35,904
Taking it higher and higher
1109
01:10:36,491 --> 01:10:40,536
Nothing to fear
it's only desire
1110
01:10:40,537 --> 01:10:43,330
Taking it higher and higher
1111
01:10:43,331 --> 01:10:46,993
Whoo-hoo
1112
01:10:55,176 --> 01:11:00,676
Abby. Abby. Abby, my lover.
My friend. Abby!
1113
01:11:08,314 --> 01:11:09,523
Hey, Neil, what's up?
1114
01:11:09,524 --> 01:11:11,191
Victor abandoned
the raft trip,
1115
01:11:11,192 --> 01:11:14,397
and now the kids are about to
go over Devil's Canyon Rapids!
1116
01:11:18,825 --> 01:11:20,993
Where did he go? He wanted
to get back to camp.
1117
01:11:20,994 --> 01:11:22,853
So you left campers
alone on the river?
1118
01:11:22,854 --> 01:11:25,147
Look, only Victor knows how
to navigate those rapids.
1119
01:11:25,148 --> 01:11:27,803
We've got to find him and
get him back to that river.
1120
01:11:28,476 --> 01:11:30,836
It's him!
Victor! Victor! Victor!
1121
01:11:30,837 --> 01:11:32,087
We lost him, God damn it!
1122
01:11:32,088 --> 01:11:33,297
I've got him!
I've got him!
1123
01:11:33,298 --> 01:11:35,507
Where is he? He's calling
from inside the camp.
1124
01:11:35,508 --> 01:11:39,527
The only other phone is in the infirmary!
We gotta go!
1125
01:11:42,015 --> 01:11:44,100
Ah!
1126
01:11:47,937 --> 01:11:49,354
Beth, what's the matter?
1127
01:11:49,355 --> 01:11:51,064
The phone! The phone!
1128
01:11:51,065 --> 01:11:52,858
Where's the fucking phone?
1129
01:11:52,859 --> 01:11:54,232
In the back room.
1130
01:12:12,754 --> 01:12:16,416
We're losing time!
1131
01:12:21,846 --> 01:12:24,033
My baby!
1132
01:12:24,224 --> 01:12:26,970
I want to make love to you!
1133
01:12:27,227 --> 01:12:28,752
Abby!
1134
01:12:31,397 --> 01:12:33,584
Abby?
1135
01:12:34,400 --> 01:12:35,943
Moose?
1136
01:12:35,944 --> 01:12:38,987
Um, you're gonna think
this is so shallow,
1137
01:12:38,988 --> 01:12:40,572
but what was
your name again?
1138
01:12:40,573 --> 01:12:41,698
Oh, my God.
1139
01:12:41,699 --> 01:12:44,868
Do you have any idea
1140
01:12:44,869 --> 01:12:50,290
what I had to go through
to see you?
1141
01:12:50,291 --> 01:12:52,580
You snooze, you lose, dude.
1142
01:12:54,587 --> 01:12:59,827
Victor Pulak, there's a raft of campers
about to go over Devil's Canyon Rapids!
1143
01:13:00,385 --> 01:13:04,912
Are you gonna be part of the
problem, or are you the solution?
1144
01:13:11,604 --> 01:13:13,105
Let's go.
1145
01:13:13,106 --> 01:13:14,427
Let's go!
1146
01:13:21,281 --> 01:13:23,213
Here we go.
1147
01:13:26,953 --> 01:13:28,733
Oh, fuck my cock!
1148
01:13:28,788 --> 01:13:30,873
What does it say?
1149
01:13:31,374 --> 01:13:34,626
According to this readout, Skylab is
going to land directly on the rec hall.
1150
01:13:34,627 --> 01:13:36,086
Oh, no. When?
1151
01:13:36,087 --> 01:13:37,379
Sometime in
the next 90 minutes.
1152
01:13:37,380 --> 01:13:40,132
Oh, my God!
That's only one mix tape.
1153
01:13:40,133 --> 01:13:42,065
The talent show's
starting right now!
1154
01:13:42,143 --> 01:13:44,069
Good evening, Firewood!
1155
01:13:44,070 --> 01:13:46,104
Are you ready
for some talent?
1156
01:13:48,349 --> 01:13:51,310
Beth, we have to evacuate the
rec hall immediately! Yeah.
1157
01:13:51,311 --> 01:13:52,936
Victor!
1158
01:13:52,937 --> 01:13:55,226
Come on! Come on!
1159
01:13:58,651 --> 01:14:00,686
Stand back.
1160
01:14:03,114 --> 01:14:05,407
Whoa! Whoa!
1161
01:14:05,408 --> 01:14:07,659
You're a master, Vic.
1162
01:14:07,660 --> 01:14:10,537
What the...
What the fuck. What...
1163
01:14:10,538 --> 01:14:13,498
You're doing it.
You're actually doing it.
1164
01:14:13,499 --> 01:14:17,620
Oh! You saved them! You saved them!
You saved them!
1165
01:14:20,298 --> 01:14:24,214
Victor Pulak,
you're okay by me.
1166
01:14:24,677 --> 01:14:26,803
I'm okay, you're okay.
1167
01:14:26,804 --> 01:14:32,304
And Neil, next time we go
camping, you drive the van.
1168
01:14:49,035 --> 01:14:50,202
I wish there was
another way.
1169
01:14:50,203 --> 01:14:51,620
Maybe we should
just let them die.
1170
01:14:51,621 --> 01:14:53,622
No! My friend,
Jimmy's in there.
1171
01:14:53,623 --> 01:14:55,860
You have a friend?
I'm kidding.
1172
01:14:56,209 --> 01:14:57,835
Wait a minute.
1173
01:15:00,964 --> 01:15:02,489
No.
What?
1174
01:15:03,049 --> 01:15:06,426
Well, there might be a way
that we could use our device
1175
01:15:06,427 --> 01:15:09,683
to slightly change
its direction, but...
1176
01:15:10,515 --> 01:15:12,724
No, it's impossible.
1177
01:15:12,725 --> 01:15:14,726
Why?
What's the problem?
1178
01:15:14,727 --> 01:15:17,104
Well, in order to do it, we
would somehow have to be able
1179
01:15:17,105 --> 01:15:20,399
to repeatedly generate random
numbers between one and 20
1180
01:15:20,400 --> 01:15:21,984
in order to calibrate
the differential.
1181
01:15:21,985 --> 01:15:25,195
That would take some sort
of super mainframe computer
1182
01:15:25,196 --> 01:15:27,239
and we, for sure,
don't have one of those.
1183
01:15:27,240 --> 01:15:28,918
So all is lost.
1184
01:15:29,826 --> 01:15:31,351
No, it's not.
1185
01:15:32,620 --> 01:15:36,248
Any Dungeon Master worth
his weight in geldings
1186
01:15:36,249 --> 01:15:39,555
goes nowhere without his...
1187
01:15:41,504 --> 01:15:43,385
...20-sided die.
1188
01:15:43,840 --> 01:15:47,801
I'd like to introduce us
to the M.C. for the evening.
1189
01:15:47,802 --> 01:15:53,223
We brought him all the way from Kutscher's
Country Club in the Catskill Mountains.
1190
01:15:53,224 --> 01:15:57,090
Wait! I have some bad news!
1191
01:15:57,729 --> 01:15:59,763
And my bad news is...
1192
01:16:05,278 --> 01:16:10,778
And my bad news is... There is no bad news.
I was just joking.
1193
01:16:11,617 --> 01:16:12,826
Good one, Beth.
1194
01:16:12,827 --> 01:16:17,659
Let's give a Firewood welcome
to Mr. Alan Shemper!
1195
01:16:20,043 --> 01:16:22,085
Thank you very much.
1196
01:16:22,086 --> 01:16:26,548
Hello, Camp Firewood. Hello.
Thank you for having me.
1197
01:16:26,549 --> 01:16:30,135
You know, I went to
sleep-away camp so long ago
1198
01:16:30,136 --> 01:16:31,865
that it was the Stone Age.
1199
01:16:32,805 --> 01:16:34,973
No, seriously, it wasn't
the Stone Age.
1200
01:16:34,974 --> 01:16:36,449
It was the ice age!
1201
01:16:37,477 --> 01:16:40,477
No, really,
it was the Stone Age.
1202
01:16:40,646 --> 01:16:44,983
But, folks, actually
I went to Camp Machnudin,
1203
01:16:44,984 --> 01:16:47,652
in the pine hills
of Westchester, New York.
1204
01:16:47,653 --> 01:16:49,404
And that was so long ago,
1205
01:16:49,405 --> 01:16:53,950
for breakfast we had to eat
scrambled pterodactyl eggs
1206
01:16:53,951 --> 01:16:56,411
and raptor bacon!
1207
01:16:56,412 --> 01:17:00,126
Back then we didn't
have cots, we had slabs.
1208
01:17:01,084 --> 01:17:05,356
Instead of sleeping bags,
we had sleeping pelts.
1209
01:17:12,678 --> 01:17:17,682
Our first act hails all the
way from over in Bunk Two.
1210
01:17:17,683 --> 01:17:23,183
And his name is Roger,
"The Master Broom Balancer."
1211
01:17:36,244 --> 01:17:37,973
Holy cow!
1212
01:17:39,163 --> 01:17:42,124
Right here, right here.
Put it down.
1213
01:17:42,125 --> 01:17:44,719
Let's pray to God
this works.
1214
01:17:46,087 --> 01:17:48,964
Love will pervade
us till death separates us
1215
01:17:48,965 --> 01:17:52,217
We're friends,
friends, friends
1216
01:17:52,218 --> 01:17:56,054
That's from us
to Bunk Seven!
1217
01:17:56,055 --> 01:17:57,556
Nine. Nine. Nine or
six, what was it?
1218
01:17:57,557 --> 01:17:58,807
Nine!
1219
01:17:58,808 --> 01:18:01,147
Okay. We gotta get closer.
Give me another...
1220
01:18:01,602 --> 01:18:02,727
Seven.
1221
01:18:02,728 --> 01:18:05,438
White folks sound so stupid
when they get mad.
1222
01:18:05,439 --> 01:18:08,984
They be like, "Hey, asshole, I'm
going to kick your behind."
1223
01:18:08,985 --> 01:18:11,403
But the brothers don't even
need to raise their voice.
1224
01:18:11,404 --> 01:18:12,863
These motherfuckers
be, like,
1225
01:18:12,864 --> 01:18:14,847
"Don't make me say it twice."
1226
01:18:15,658 --> 01:18:16,950
That's true, that's true.
1227
01:18:16,951 --> 01:18:18,535
I hate white people!
1228
01:18:18,536 --> 01:18:23,874
Be that as it may, this next act
is a guy named Bert Flugalman.
1229
01:18:23,875 --> 01:18:26,793
But it says here
that you all know him as...
1230
01:18:26,794 --> 01:18:29,591
Moose!
1231
01:18:47,190 --> 01:18:51,055
Gail.
1232
01:18:51,819 --> 01:18:53,039
Ron!
1233
01:18:55,114 --> 01:18:56,615
What are you doing here?
1234
01:18:56,616 --> 01:18:59,362
Gail, I've been thinking
about you a lot.
1235
01:18:59,869 --> 01:19:02,310
And I want you back.
1236
01:19:06,417 --> 01:19:09,927
Ron, I love you,
1237
01:19:10,338 --> 01:19:13,644
and I want to be
with you, but...
1238
01:19:14,508 --> 01:19:17,815
I've just had too many
woulda-coulda-shouldas in my life.
1239
01:19:18,346 --> 01:19:19,596
Well, I'm just...
1240
01:19:19,597 --> 01:19:23,642
I'm just sick and tired of being
sick and tired, you know?
1241
01:19:23,643 --> 01:19:27,646
And if you can't handle that,
Ron, well then to hell with you!
1242
01:19:27,647 --> 01:19:31,156
You'll come back to me, Gail.
I know you will.
1243
01:19:36,405 --> 01:19:39,355
I don't think so,
Ronald von Kleinenshtein.
1244
01:19:39,909 --> 01:19:41,689
I really don't think so.
1245
01:19:48,501 --> 01:19:51,920
And now, Camp Fizzie-Poo,
performing the song,
1246
01:19:51,921 --> 01:19:55,382
Day by Day,
from the musical Godspell,
1247
01:19:55,383 --> 01:19:58,180
it's Susie's drama group.
1248
01:19:58,886 --> 01:20:00,512
Before we start,
I'd just like to say
1249
01:20:00,513 --> 01:20:02,852
that the campers you're
about to see suck dick.
1250
01:20:02,974 --> 01:20:05,669
Nevertheless,
please welcome them.
1251
01:20:17,822 --> 01:20:21,866
Day by day
1252
01:20:21,867 --> 01:20:25,581
Day by day
1253
01:20:25,997 --> 01:20:30,218
Oh, Dear Lord
Three things I pray
1254
01:20:33,587 --> 01:20:36,756
To see thee more clearly
1255
01:20:36,757 --> 01:20:40,166
To love thee more dearly
1256
01:20:40,511 --> 01:20:44,389
Follow thee more nearly
1257
01:20:44,390 --> 01:20:46,730
Day by day
1258
01:20:48,894 --> 01:20:54,394
- Day by day
- Day by day
1259
01:20:55,526 --> 01:21:01,026
Oh, Dear Lord
Three things I pray
1260
01:21:02,742 --> 01:21:06,077
To see thee more clearly
1261
01:21:06,078 --> 01:21:09,664
Love thee more dearly
1262
01:21:09,665 --> 01:21:12,751
Follow thee more nearly
1263
01:21:12,752 --> 01:21:16,087
Day by day
1264
01:21:16,088 --> 01:21:21,588
Day by day
by day by day by day
1265
01:21:25,598 --> 01:21:28,395
Boo!
1266
01:21:29,477 --> 01:21:32,937
Well, well, well,
I can honestly say
1267
01:21:32,938 --> 01:21:35,023
that there is
no Broadway ditty
1268
01:21:35,024 --> 01:21:39,235
closer to my heart than the one
you just heard, Day Bidet.
1269
01:21:39,236 --> 01:21:41,154
Give me another.
Give me another.
1270
01:21:41,155 --> 01:21:43,365
Twenty. There's not
much time left.
1271
01:21:43,366 --> 01:21:48,036
When I was at camp, my favorite
activity was always arts and crafts.
1272
01:21:48,037 --> 01:21:52,457
Or as we used to call it,
arts and farts and crafts.
1273
01:21:52,458 --> 01:21:54,793
We used to make drawings.
1274
01:21:54,794 --> 01:21:57,031
Cave drawings!
1275
01:21:57,296 --> 01:21:59,585
Which is my way of saying
we were cavemen.
1276
01:21:59,924 --> 01:22:03,259
I went to camp so long ago
that I can remember saying,
1277
01:22:03,260 --> 01:22:07,025
"Sticks and stones may break
my bones," and meaning it!
1278
01:22:07,807 --> 01:22:12,769
I went to camp so long ago that fucking
Jesus Christ was my counselor,
1279
01:22:12,770 --> 01:22:15,939
and my best friend
hadn't fully evolved yet.
1280
01:22:15,940 --> 01:22:19,450
His name was Ugh,
and he walked on all fours!
1281
01:22:19,485 --> 01:22:22,404
There were two epidemics
when I went to camp.
1282
01:22:22,405 --> 01:22:27,594
Head lice and the plague.
The bubonic plague.
1283
01:22:51,392 --> 01:22:53,810
When you look into his eyes
1284
01:22:53,811 --> 01:22:57,218
It comes to you
as no surprise
1285
01:22:57,314 --> 01:22:59,909
It's always the same
1286
01:23:00,818 --> 01:23:04,785
Katie, I came here
to tell you I'm leaving.
1287
01:23:06,282 --> 01:23:08,241
Uh, what?
Yeah.
1288
01:23:08,242 --> 01:23:11,599
I've grown up a lot since before
dinner when we last talked.
1289
01:23:12,830 --> 01:23:14,406
Where are you going?
1290
01:23:14,707 --> 01:23:16,040
I don't know.
1291
01:23:16,041 --> 01:23:20,875
Maybe see the world. I got a couple
more weeks before school starts.
1292
01:23:20,963 --> 01:23:22,743
But...
Hey.
1293
01:23:25,676 --> 01:23:27,405
I want you to have this.
1294
01:23:33,934 --> 01:23:38,004
Hurry up! I think I can
see it coming towards us!
1295
01:23:40,524 --> 01:23:44,277
And finally, ladies
and germs, is a dude,
1296
01:23:44,278 --> 01:23:46,719
who goes by the name of
1297
01:23:47,573 --> 01:23:49,047
"Steve."
1298
01:23:49,158 --> 01:23:50,429
Let's give him a hand.
1299
01:24:01,754 --> 01:24:02,921
Come on, do something.
1300
01:24:02,922 --> 01:24:05,769
Or get the fuck
off the stage!
1301
01:24:31,283 --> 01:24:32,809
Is that wind?
1302
01:24:50,803 --> 01:24:52,633
Oh, my God.
1303
01:24:57,851 --> 01:24:59,561
Coop?
1304
01:24:59,562 --> 01:25:02,939
Coop! Coop! Coop,
don't leave.
1305
01:25:02,940 --> 01:25:06,094
Coop! Coop, I love you!
1306
01:25:08,153 --> 01:25:11,698
Yeah, I didn't know it until
this very moment, for sure,
1307
01:25:11,699 --> 01:25:16,452
but now I know, and it feels like
nothing I've ever known before.
1308
01:25:16,453 --> 01:25:18,437
And it feels so good.
I love you.
1309
01:25:18,956 --> 01:25:21,040
Show me the fever
1310
01:25:21,041 --> 01:25:22,959
Into the fire
1311
01:25:22,960 --> 01:25:26,775
Taking it higher and higher
1312
01:25:26,964 --> 01:25:31,134
Nothing to fear
It's only desire
1313
01:25:31,135 --> 01:25:34,542
Taking it higher and higher
1314
01:25:35,180 --> 01:25:39,142
Into this fever
Into this fire
1315
01:25:39,143 --> 01:25:43,059
Taking it higher and higher
1316
01:25:43,188 --> 01:25:46,983
Be a believer Spirit igniter
1317
01:25:46,984 --> 01:25:49,444
Taking it higher and higher
1318
01:25:49,445 --> 01:25:51,487
How do I know
it's real this time?
1319
01:25:51,488 --> 01:25:54,490
Because I'm telling you.
I mean that's all I can do.
1320
01:25:54,491 --> 01:25:56,326
I love you.
1321
01:25:56,327 --> 01:25:58,161
Say it again.
I love you!
1322
01:25:58,162 --> 01:26:00,501
I love you,
Gerald Cooperberg!
1323
01:26:04,960 --> 01:26:07,128
Show me the fever
1324
01:26:07,129 --> 01:26:09,047
Into the fire
1325
01:26:09,048 --> 01:26:13,625
Taking it higher and higher
1326
01:26:17,473 --> 01:26:19,303
it's working!
1327
01:26:41,372 --> 01:26:43,101
Way to go, guys!
1328
01:26:43,666 --> 01:26:47,226
Beth, we did it.
1329
01:27:00,974 --> 01:27:02,449
Whoo!
1330
01:27:20,828 --> 01:27:25,508
Baby, that was beautiful!
1331
01:27:58,824 --> 01:28:02,894
You better write to me.
I'm gonna miss you so much!
1332
01:28:07,541 --> 01:28:10,501
Beth! Beth! I got it!
1333
01:28:10,502 --> 01:28:12,078
The Hopkins award!
1334
01:28:12,421 --> 01:28:17,921
And NASA is hiring me to go to work
for them at Cape Canaveral, Florida.
1335
01:28:18,469 --> 01:28:20,344
I'll have a whole new life!
1336
01:28:20,345 --> 01:28:21,769
That's wonderful.
1337
01:28:22,681 --> 01:28:24,348
I knew this would happen.
1338
01:28:24,349 --> 01:28:27,268
I would meet you and fall in love
with you and you would leave me.
1339
01:28:27,269 --> 01:28:29,687
Wait, hold on, Beth.
I've already told them,
1340
01:28:29,688 --> 01:28:31,939
I need an apartment
for two people.
1341
01:28:31,940 --> 01:28:34,609
And they'll fly you
back here every summer.
1342
01:28:34,610 --> 01:28:35,931
Fuck you!
1343
01:28:36,195 --> 01:28:41,695
And, Beth, I know we've been
having trouble with, you know...
1344
01:28:41,700 --> 01:28:43,951
But I was thinking when the
time comes, we can adopt.
1345
01:28:43,952 --> 01:28:45,783
Shh. it's happened.
1346
01:28:46,705 --> 01:28:49,249
I'm pregnant.
We're gonna have a baby.
1347
01:28:49,833 --> 01:28:52,460
Oh. Oh, baby!
1348
01:28:52,461 --> 01:28:54,253
Goodbye, Beth.
1349
01:28:54,254 --> 01:28:55,505
Oh, hey!
1350
01:28:55,506 --> 01:28:57,590
Looks like everything
worked out for you two.
1351
01:28:57,591 --> 01:29:00,134
Yeah, it's the best thing that's
ever happened in my life.
1352
01:29:00,135 --> 01:29:02,470
I hope you like shrimp
cocktail, because we want you
1353
01:29:02,471 --> 01:29:04,972
to be the guest of honor
at our wedding next week.
1354
01:29:04,973 --> 01:29:07,850
We would be delighted, but I
hope it's not jumbo shrimp,
1355
01:29:07,851 --> 01:29:10,292
because I'm allergic
to oxymorons.
1356
01:29:14,858 --> 01:29:16,537
Bye.
Bye.
1357
01:29:33,961 --> 01:29:36,671
We saved everyone's life
and they'll never know it.
1358
01:29:36,672 --> 01:29:38,756
I almost like it
better that way.
1359
01:29:38,757 --> 01:29:41,300
It was us rolling the dice
that diverted it, right?
1360
01:29:41,301 --> 01:29:43,803
Not the enormous
gust of wind, right?
1361
01:29:43,804 --> 01:29:45,221
Right.
1362
01:29:45,222 --> 01:29:48,641
I feel like this entire
summer, which kind of sucked,
1363
01:29:48,642 --> 01:29:52,228
has been rejuvenated by the
events of the past 24 hours.
1364
01:29:52,229 --> 01:29:54,568
Yeah, it's like...
1365
01:29:55,315 --> 01:29:56,739
Well, forget it.
1366
01:29:57,776 --> 01:29:59,277
You know what?
What?
1367
01:29:59,278 --> 01:30:01,279
You guys are
my best friends.
1368
01:30:01,280 --> 01:30:03,489
Well, you're my
only friends.
1369
01:30:03,490 --> 01:30:05,931
Yeah.
Nanoo-nanoo.
1370
01:30:13,292 --> 01:30:15,167
So this is it, babe.
1371
01:30:15,168 --> 01:30:16,252
Yep.
1372
01:30:16,253 --> 01:30:19,472
So, obviously I think we should get
together in the city next weekend.
1373
01:30:19,473 --> 01:30:22,066
I'll call my parents, and you
can talk to your dad and Kim.
1374
01:30:22,067 --> 01:30:23,592
Listen, Coop.
1375
01:30:24,136 --> 01:30:29,265
Last night was really great. You
were incredibly romantic and heroic.
1376
01:30:29,266 --> 01:30:31,808
No doubt about it.
And that's great.
1377
01:30:32,269 --> 01:30:35,438
But I've thought about it,
and my thing is this.
1378
01:30:35,439 --> 01:30:38,482
Andy's really hot. And don't get
me wrong, you're cute, too.
1379
01:30:38,483 --> 01:30:43,613
But Andy is, like, cut from marble.
He's gorgeous.
1380
01:30:43,614 --> 01:30:45,781
He's like this
beautiful face
1381
01:30:45,782 --> 01:30:47,575
and this incredible body,
1382
01:30:47,576 --> 01:30:51,412
and I genuinely don't care
that he's kind of lame.
1383
01:30:51,413 --> 01:30:53,955
I don't even care
that he cheats on me.
1384
01:30:54,499 --> 01:30:58,277
And I like you more than I
like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16.
1385
01:30:58,278 --> 01:30:59,904
And maybe it will be
a different story,
1386
01:30:59,905 --> 01:31:01,472
like, when I'm ready
to get married,
1387
01:31:01,473 --> 01:31:06,552
but right now, I'm entirely about sex.
I just want Andy.
1388
01:31:06,553 --> 01:31:07,929
Yeah.
I wanna take him,
1389
01:31:07,930 --> 01:31:12,642
and grab him and just fuck
his brains out, you know?
1390
01:31:12,643 --> 01:31:14,435
So that's where my
priorities are right now.
1391
01:31:14,436 --> 01:31:17,182
Sex. Specifically, with
Andy and not with you.
1392
01:31:17,189 --> 01:31:19,482
But you're really nice.
I mean, everybody thinks so.
1393
01:31:19,483 --> 01:31:24,445
And I'm sorry if this isn't the direction
that you saw things going between us.
1394
01:31:24,446 --> 01:31:27,396
I still totally
want to be friends.
1395
01:31:28,200 --> 01:31:30,386
You better write me
a letter, okay?
1396
01:31:30,911 --> 01:31:32,284
Sure.
1397
01:31:33,080 --> 01:31:34,350
Cool?
1398
01:31:38,293 --> 01:31:41,447
Katie, let's go.
1399
01:31:59,606 --> 01:32:00,928
How you doing?
1400
01:32:01,316 --> 01:32:02,841
Good.
1401
01:32:25,966 --> 01:32:31,466
In this wet hot
American summer
1402
01:32:32,681 --> 01:32:38,181
You're my wet hot
American dream
1403
01:32:39,438 --> 01:32:42,857
That is if you notice me
1404
01:32:42,858 --> 01:32:48,358
Then who knows what the
summer could bring
1405
01:32:49,865 --> 01:32:52,204
Yeah
1406
01:32:54,119 --> 01:32:57,221
Summer
1407
01:33:01,334 --> 01:33:04,295
I'm feeling kinda restless
1408
01:33:04,296 --> 01:33:07,602
I'm feeling all mixed up
1409
01:33:08,133 --> 01:33:10,718
I'm feeling like
the girl I want
1410
01:33:10,719 --> 01:33:15,181
Is gonna show me
what she's made of
1411
01:33:15,182 --> 01:33:20,682
Why can't I be the boy
that everybody loves?
1412
01:33:34,409 --> 01:33:39,909
American summer
1413
01:36:32,212 --> 01:36:35,214
I'm sorry, I'm late.
I thought we said 9:30.
1414
01:36:35,215 --> 01:36:37,605
No, we said 9:00 so we
could be here by 9:30.