LUCA CHUCKLES
No, it's something silly, it's Jamie.
We're meeting up later, he wants to know if I'm expecting flowers.
Ha.
What?
Just checking for wheels, speedy.
You've only met the once.
Yeah, but in gay years that means we're already engaged. "Gay years"?
Yeah, there like dog years only more fabulous.
It's just a drink. Mm-hm.
Hello.
Bye. Off to campus.
You? Done for the day.
Have fun.
Kirsty, your fella, would you describe him
as being "glass half full", or "glass half empty"?
Sorry?
Or is he one of us unfortunate few
who suffer from cenosilicaphobia? Ceno-what?
Not a Scooby.
Cenosilicaphobia is the fear of an empty beer glass.
He has an aversion to washing them up sometimes,
given how he leaves them round the place. Why?
Just trying to get my ducks lined up.
There's a real ale event at the Icon
tonight and he's coming with me.
That's tonight? Yeah.
He just likes a decent pint.
Do you want to come? Bring your fella?
Erm, no.
Hi. Look, I know you've done a lot of shifts this week
but is there any chance you could
cover a few hours this evening?
Uh, well....
I know it's short notice but
Trisha's had to cry off, she's in A&E with her youngest.
He's fallen off his skateboard or something.
Yeah. Yeah, OK.
I can't really get there until half six though.
Oh, you are a star.
See you later.
Bye.
Hiya, Dad.
Jess has just rung to offer me a
few extra shifts at the bar.
I know. So, I was just thinking
maybe we could do the Rocky boxset
and cheesy chips another time?
Yeah, I know what I said but...
Yeah, I know I promised.
Because we need the money, all right?!
SHE SIGHS
Very nice. I thought it might go with the black trousers.
Well, I'm sure you'll make a very good impression.
Yeah, I just don't want to make the wrong one.
We've been texting all day, it's
nice, you know, having a laugh, no pressure.
Look, I tell you what. Why don't I put that in my car?
I mean, we're going to be going home in a couple of minutes.
Save it getting all scrunched up in your backpack. You're a star.
Someone is keen.
Oh, yes.
But desperately trying not to show it.
What do you think you're playing at?
And hello to you, too.
What've I done wrong now?
Your boys' night out.
So, when has me going for a beer ever bothered you before now?
It's not the what, it's the who with.
So, what are you saying?
I'm not allowed to play with your new toys?
This isn't funny.
It was you who said I should get out and make new friends.
I honestly don't see what the problem is.
I've just started here.
And they already love you, I'm sure.
Just don't get so off your face
tonight you end up crying on Al's shoulder.
I don't want my private life going through some
flaming autopsy with the staff here,
like I'm something new to pick over.
Oh, come on. That happens whoever
you are, wherever you work, it's part and parcel.
Not if I can help it.
Honestly, it's like you do these things on purpose sometimes.
All right, message received. That's what you always say.
Don't you realise it's hurting me?
Bottom line - our marriage is off limits tonight.
Got it?
I can't decide on the shoes.
Those, they go with everything. OK.
Right. Do you want to share a cab later?
Er, yeah. Where are you meeting Zara?
In a wine bar.
Meanwhile...
Meanwhile?
Yes, tonight's festivities, are you...
..prepared for any eventuality?
I don't need anything like that cos that's not what tonight is about.
Oh, no? Then what is it about?
Just a drink, you know.
Getting to know each other, seeing if there's enough there to...
To...?
To go for a second, casual drink,
some other time.
If you say so.
Right. New staff game.
OK.
Right. So, it's like bingo.
So if a customer asks for something, you tick it off.
But there's a bonus, as well.
So, if somebody asks for a cocktail
umbrella you tick off a whole line.
And what's the prize?
First dibs on lost property.
Great.
I'm joking. You get to finish half an hour early.
It's just a bit of fun while we're working.
Yes, love, what can I get you?
Dry white wine, please.
So, come on, this partnership
invitation, what's it all about?
No, no, no, this is supposed to be a night off.
Well, if you're going to make me guess, then...
..you and Daniel are broke?
Don't be absurd.
It's just us rethinking our priorities.
Oh, OK.
All right. Well, tell me, then, what
is a perfect day in the world of Zara Carmichael?
Well, mornings - full surgery,
saving lives, et cetera.
Afternoons - spending so more time with Joe.
You know swimming, some extracurriculars.
Maybe some yoga time for myself.
"Yoga time"?!
Don't you mean shoe shopping?
Evenings - more nights like this.
Ah, well, I'll drink to that.
Ooh.
WOMEN LAUGH
Right, then, ladies, elbows and knickers!
Let's show the young'uns how it's done.
Shirelle, what's that cocktail you
had where you said you couldn't
feel your teeth after a couple?
Buttercup cocktail.
"Let's go to the wine bar off the square," you said.
"It'll be quiet in there."
How about we do a round of shots first?
WOMEN CHEER
So, have you been here before?
It was handy.
I had a one-day workshop around the
corner and it only finished about ten minutes ago. Oh, right.
What were you doing?
Oh, it's just a group I volunteer with.
We help children with Down's syndrome.
Teaching them basic internet safety, that kind of thing. Wow!
I enjoy working with them.
Erm, do you not like it?
No, I do, it's...
..I think I was expecting something a bit more...
..rainbowy.
We can go somewhere more gay-friendly if you want.
Maybe later.
My unicorn's tethered outside, so...
Tying things up.
Is that an interest?
What, like macrame?
No, but my ex was...
Too soon? No.
Go on.
It was a mix-up.
He used to go sailing at weekends
and there's a type of sail called a spanker.
Anyway, I overheard a conversation
and got the wrong end of the...sail.
Oops.
Was it serious?
Me and him? Mm.
I mean, yeah, no, erm...
..kind of, erm...
..no rings on fingers.
What about you, relationship-wise?
I, um...
..I've had my moments.
But...
..here we are. Here we are.
Another drink?
Yes, please.
Hey.
Welcome, good fellow.
So, what's on the menu?
I have been looking forward to this all day.
Well, they are all local breweries
and one guest.
This amber nectar from Le Belgique. Ooh.
Mm, originally brewed by monks.
That'll do for starters.
Bless you, my child.
So, I feel like I'm drinking in the
Premier League this evening with your experience.
Well, you get your shin pads on, this is not a friendly.
And we're going to be going for more
than 45 minutes each half.
Anything else for you?
There's a special offer today - free
cocktail umbrella with every pint.
Sorry, sir, a bit barmaid humour there.
Nice try.
No harm in tipping the odds.
That's Â£13.85, please.
Thanks.
You know, you're really getting the knack for this.
Could be a full-time job going if you're up for it. Yeah.
So, you know Trisha, the girl you're covering for?
Well, her husband's got a new job so they're moving away.
I'll keep you posted.
Five, four, three, two, one!
ALL: Whoa!
I know it was the right thing to do,
to leave the FME work because I just
couldn't work in that toxic environment any longer.
Toxic - that's exactly the right word.
With the punishing work schedules at the Mill,
something toxic in the mix.
But no more for either of us.
You know, I think it is about
getting the work-life balance right.
Do you think that's why I broke my hip?
Because I wasn't balanced?
Funny.
So, cards on the table.
Oh, I'm getting the full
therapy treatment now.
You never seem to know when you're happy.
Not in the moment, you question it.
If you mean I won't settle...
..then yes.
Look, I'm at a stage where I deserve
better, I won't compromise.
And you end up with nothing.
So, where does that kind of thinking end?
What if you started getting unhappy
about being a GP?
Well, then, I'd probably walk.
And that would be it?
You'd walk away from the years of training and experience?
Yes. Because what would be the point if I was unhappy?
So then what would be next?
I mean, endgame, Reid, what would ultimately make you happy?
Evening, ladies.
Care to join the celebrations?
Actually, stuff that, I insist.
Oh, thank you.
Buttercup cocktails.
I don't think I'll drink anything else, from now on.
So who's the blushing bride?
You're kidding me?
We're celebrating my decree nisi.
Oh, excuse me. Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, no, don't.
Finally liberated.
I am the envy of all my mates.
Got rid of 16st of ugly fat in one go.
Best diet ever.
Well, congratulations, then.
Cheers.
Starting over again in your 40s,
I tell you, that's scary.
It's what held me back for too long.
What's that you told me, Shirelle?
"Feel the fear and do it anyway"?
Yeah!
I can't think of a better way to live one's life.
Subtle.
So, yeah, do it and the fear goes away.
That helps, mind.
Thanks.
Just thanks? Nothing else?
Sorry?
Well, is that all your beating heart is telling you to say?
You're way more chatty when you text.
I don't understand.
Who did you mean to send it to?
Send what?
No. Yeah.
"Be still my beating heart, the hot
"geek is not only hot but kind and funny."
So, um, you think I'm hot?
Oh, I did not...
You did. Oh...
See, that's the thing with technology,
artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Thanks for calling me kind, though.
I just want to crawl in a hole.
Has anyone told you how cute you are when you blush?
This is not me blushing, this is me
about to go up into flames with embarrassment.
Mm.
Kirsty has really settled in,
she has been formidable.
Formidable? Not my Kirst.
From what I've witnessed, she takes no prisoners.
Which is exactly the quality I want
from our receptionist.
She knows what she wants and she's
not afraid to go after it.
The first time I ever met her,
I liked that confidence in her.
Along with everything else.
Like, she's funny,
gorgeous... Naturally a great mum.
Mum?
Yeah, our son, Ollie.
He's just enlisted.
Really proud, you know?
Well, domestics aside.
Al, I tell you, family...
..that's what it's all about.
All right. You walk into a car dealership,
you're after a new motor and you're
approached by three salesman.
OK.
They are Dracula, Frankenstein's monster
and the Creature from the Black Lagoon.
Who you going to deal with?
Am I on my own? Cos if not, I would
send in the big guns, get Kirsty to negotiate.
She's a match for any monster.
No, Kirsty's not there, you are on your own. Erm...
Come on, they're approaching.
Tick-tock, who's it going to be?
I might buy a boat from the creature.
Frankenstein's the obvious choice. Obvious?
Bit more savvy with mechanics,
bolts in the neck, all that.
But, no...
..I'd go with Dracula.
Because?
This would be at night, yeah?
He only comes out at night.
Well, Dracula would want to make a
deal before returning to his coffin.
I take my time, haggle, he gets panicky,
I beat the price down before dawn. Job's a good one.
Do you want the same again?
Yes, please. Outstanding.
Mm.
Whisky...
..chocolate...
..sweet but not.
Mm, salted caramel.
Not bad.
Mm, but not great.
So, back to business.
If you weren't a GP...
No, no, no, no, not me.
What did YOU want to be? Me? Yeah.
Well, when I was a teenager,
I did quite fancy the idea of...
Go on.
..an airline pilot.
Oh, you mean the mile-high club!
WOMEN CHEER
No.
What about you?
I wanted to be a marine biologist.
You? The woman I once heard ordering a paella,
"Go heavy on the mussels and calamari"?
I wanted to save the whales.
You don't get those in paella.
So, what stopped you? I saw Jaws.
And what, you were afraid of swimming in the sea,
you might get attacked by a rubber shark?
Yes, it put me right off swimming in the sea for the rest of my life.
Anything bigger than a hot tub and I'm not getting in.
Another?
My round.
No...! What?
The hens are preparing karaoke.
Zara, it's your dream career.
What?
A restaurant chanteuse.
Cilla Carmichael.
More like God-Cilla.
Excuse me!
Here we go.
Any requests?
Oops.
Maybe I've caught the last of your cold, Shirelle.
Or it's the last of the toxic marriage leaving me?
Actually, anyone else got tingly lips?
Was there chilli in them bar snacks?
Oh.
Oh, no, that's not right.
A reaction to something, allergy?
Tingly lips, runny nose
and... Oh, dear... Is that a rash?
We're going to have to get involved in this, aren't we?
It is who we are.
So, do you think you can walk
or do you want me to carry you?
Sorry? I don't drink.
Well, with one foot in your mouth...
Don't.
I still can't believe that I did that.
OK, I'll never mention it again.
Even if it was very cute.
Promise?
Is that Scarlett?
She's a receptionist at the Mill.
I didn't know she worked here. I should probably should go say hello.
You could or, um...
"Or, um..."?
I could kiss you?
Erm, you know that unicorn you've got tied up outside?
His name's Lucky. Right.
If I give him my address, do you
think he'd be able to take us there?
Absolutely.
Cramps?
On top of everything else.
OK. Is it just peanuts that you're allergic to?
Yeah, but I'm dead careful, I
checked the bar snacks and all that.
Well, you're clearly allergic to something
but your symptoms don't seem too bad.
Oh, should I use me EpiPen?
Oh, Shirelle, me bag.
Ooh, no, I don't feel right.
OK, I think a trip to A&E, as well. What?
Well, OK, hold on.
Yes, just to be sure.
Look, you don't seem to be short of breath.
Does your throat feel like its closing in? No.
Have you used any over-the-counter meds recently?
You know, for example, ear drops?
They can contain peanut oil.
Oh, no, nothing like.
Oh, I bet it's him, flaming ex.
I bet he's put something in me ChapStick or, oh...
Salted caramel...?
Don't worry, we're going to get this figured out.
I can't die, I've just bought a whole new wardrobe!
You're going to be fine.
Right. Buttercup cocktail,
chocolate liqueur...
..peanut butter.
Oh, that'll be it, then, won't it?
Oh, Shirelle, you div, you've pigging murdered me!
Well, they're only small measures.
How many have you had?
I lost count after four.
Oh, this was supposed to be me new start.
Who am I kidding, eh?
I've been scared stupid, trying to...
Trying to what?
Kid myself it's all systems go but...
..morning after the night before
when you wake up alone.
I know he was a useless lump
but he was better than nothing.
I'll go and call an ambulance.
Come on, you've still got your fresh start.
This is just a hiccup.
I know, but...
What did you say when you came in here tonight?
What?
What did you say?
Elbows and knickers.
It's like, you know, battle stations.
Right, well, then, come on, elbows and knickers!
You've got a lot of life left to live.
I miss this.
What, sex? You never met anyone while you were travelling?
Yeah, I mean talking.
You know, having a proper conversation instead
of sign language or pidgin English
or, you know, just pointing at things.
Pointing at things? Mm.
I met this, um, this Turkish backpacker.
You know, moody, muscly,
eyes you could drown in. Mm-hm.
But the only English that he knew was,
"Hello, baby",
"Socks" and "Eurovision Song Contest".
He kept pointing at my feet...
Wait, sorry, hold that thought.
I have a call of nature...
Tell it to leave a message.
You've been life-savers, literally.
You'll be fine.
You take care of yourself.
Did we just provide medical assistance
whilst under the influence of alcohol?
I think that's something we should
keep between ourselves.
Anyway, think of it as proof positive that
we're at the top of the food chain of our careers.
Where we both belong. Mm.
Right, what now? Another bottle? Oh, why not?
And then I must soak up this alcohol.
I could murder some Emmental.
Well, I've got some in the fridge.
Emmental at Emma's!
You ARE a life-saver!
Now that is why you should never give you being a doctor.
He is a great dancer, congratulations.
Right. Next question.
Which fictional character would you
be prepared to lend Â£1,000,000 to? Jessica Rabbit.
Wow. No pause, no hesitation.
He's straight in there with Jessica,
from Who Framed Roger Rabbit, is your dream woman?
Outside of Kirsty, yeah.
Have you got one?
A dream woman?
A few fictional ones but none in real life.
Don't you want someone?
What for?
Take a look at my life.
I do what I want, when I want,
I drink what I want, when I want,
I live a life without limits, no-one tells me what to do.
That sounds great but I don't want to be on my own.
I mean, I wouldn't want to be on my own.
I mean, that's the trade-off.
But that's not how I see it.
Well, I'm here, aren't I? Yeah.
You can't have it all.
You are but for how long for?
At what point do you start looking at the old watch
going "Ooh, I better go before I get in trouble"?
We've got it all worked out between us.
I know I'm where I want to be in life.
I'm delighted for you.
In fact, I'm so happy I'm going to
let you buy the next round.
Joking, it's my turn!
More! More ale.
Oh, I thought you'd fallen in.
Did the flush get stuck again?
You just need to give it a jiggle, oh...!
Are these what I think they are?
Where did you get those?
Where you hid them.
They weren't hidden.
So, you're HIV positive?
Yeah, but I'm undetectable.
Do you think that's maybe something
you should have mentioned, I don't know, like, three hours ago?
Good...
Yeah, I pulled an extra shift.
Dead on my feet but they might
offer me a permanent job.
It's more money and no dealing with crusty patients.
I don't know.
Not as stable as the job at the Mill, is it?
Got to go.
Hey, look, thanks again for covering.
Oh, no problem, any time.
Am I done?
Yeah, sure, off you go.
Night. Night.
I've told you, my viral load is so
low that I can't pass HIV on to anyone.
You're safer with me than someone whose status you don't know.
I didn't know yours until I found out by accident.
Were you ever going to tell me?
Yeah, of course I would.
You say that now.
Undetectable equals untransmittable. How, as a gay man, have you managed
to miss every piece of information
that they've been putting out to the community?
I just can't believe I let myself get tricked into sex. "Tricked"?
Why didn't you bring it up?
Why didn't you check? Why is that on me?
You're not the one taking the gamble.
And neither are you. Are you even listening?
We used condoms.
I don't take risks! And you still haven't!
It's just...
It's deceitful.
Like, what else are you not telling me?
How about that I've got a rubbish taste in men?
Mm-mm, what is it about drinking
that makes us crave greasy, gooey carbs?
That hit the spot. Another one?
Mm-mm, get thee behind me, Satan.
Yeah, well, I'm not hearing no.
I've got to get up early, I've got to do the school run.
Oh, go on, then.
It's not my job to be an educator.
Well, not outside of office hours anyway.
Somebody got lucky. No? Well, you taught me a lesson tonight.
And what's that? That I can't be trusted? It's the whole
"Can't see what I've done wrong" attitude that gets me.
What I've done wrong is,
clearly, thinking that you were a decent person.
Well, maybe you thought, as a geek, I'd be pathetically grateful for any
attention you show me and all the other stuff wouldn't matter.
Do you want a lesson?
Dinosaur underwear on a grown man is not quirky!
It's not chic!
DOOR SLAMS
It's just sad!
No, Zara, don't...!
My staff need me.
Trouble in paradise?
No more than usual.
I'm not even going to ask about the dinosaur underwear.
It's for the best. Yes.
Now, look, we have got cheese toasties on the go
and shoulders to cry on. OK?
This way. Yes. Come on.
Well, well, well, you all look a funny colour.
And please don't mistake that for sympathy.
Do you know, I'm rapidly going off you.
I'm sick of being the one who
has to bend over backwards to put stupid people straight.
And I meant that pun.
Red wine - meant to be very good for the heart? More, keep going.