Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.
I'm X-ray Cat. I've got super powers.
I can see through wooden doors with my X-ray vision. Wooden doors.
I can see the criminal on the other side.
He can't see me, and he's committing crime.
I come along and say "I can see you. He says "You can't." I say "Yes, I can with my..."
X-ray...
X-ray Cat.
"You can't get me. You can't get me." "Yes, I can. Yes, I can."
"Yes, I can. Yes..."
The bananas.
I know a banana who applied for a job as a telephone repairman.
Guy came and said "You want a job here?" And he said "Yeah, I wanna get a job."
"You got the job! You got the job, buddy!"
And then the beavers came. The beaver started yelling at the other beaver.
The beaver started yelling at the other beaver. He said "You stupid beaver!"
"You stupid..."
(# "Problems" by Sex Pistols)
Bye, Gord. Good luck.
Hey! Get off that skateboard!
# Too many problems Oh, why am I here
# I don't need to be me Cos you're all too clear
# And I can see there's something wrong with you
# But what do you expect me to do?
# At least I gotta know what I wanna be
# Don't come to me if you need pity
# Are you lonely? You got no one
# You got your body in suspension
# Problem
# The problem is you
# Eat your heart out on a plastic tray...
# Problem
# The problem is you
Gordie, honey. I'm so sad you're leaving me.
Why are you moving to Los Angeles to work in a cheese factory?
I'm not gonna just work in a cheese sandwich factory. I'm gonna shop my drawings.
- I'm gonna be like Charles Schulz. - You'll be fine.
- No, I'm gonna be like Charles Schulz. - That's my boy. Confidence.
You're a big man now. You've got a job, a goddamn real job, Gord.
And you gave up on those stupid doodles.
They're not stupid. They're not stupid.
Whatever. At least you're leaving Daddy's basement.
Sh, Jim. He has a very nice job.
Look at our little baby boy. He's all grown up. You come here.
- Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom... - You little baby...
Mom, stop it. Stop it. Mom, I'm a 28-year-old man.
Hey, baby. He's a 28-year-old man.
Yeah, I'm a 28-year-old man.
My bus is about to leave, so I'm gonna get on it...
...and I'm gonna leave... on it.
- Son, wait. - What?
You're not taking that bus to Los Angeles.
You bought me a ticket on this bus to Los Angeles.
That's not all we bought you.
- There! It's yours. Hop in. - Oh!
- Come on, you're driving. - It's a... It's a LeBaron.
You bet your boots it's a LeBaron.
Good car. Convertible.
Jeez. A convertible.
It says "#1 Son" on the license plate. That's me. I'm the number one son.
- What about me, Mom? - You're number one son, too.
Then how come Gord gets a LeBaron and I don't?
- Cos they love me more than they love you. - No. No, they don't.
Oh, yeah? I only see one LeBaron, Freddy. I don't see two LeBarons.
- Gordie. Gordie. - Do you see two?
- Knock it off. - Where's your LeBaron, Freddy?
- Boys! Boys! - How many LeBarons are there? Two?
Shut up!
Gord, this car is more than a gift. It's...
It's kind of an investment in you.
It means I believe in my son.
You be a good man.
Father, I... I will be a good man.
You make your daddy proud. You hear me?
I'm gonna make you proud, Daddy.
I'm gonna make you so proud.
Make your daddy proud.
- You're gonna be so proud. - Proud?
Proud.
Get the fuck outta the way!
Well...
...the boy's grown up.
He's finally gone.
(# "Cars" by Gary Numan)
# Here in my car I feel safest of all
# I can lock all my doors It's the only way to live...
- What are you doin' to that horse? - This is a stud farm, boy.
I wanna try the horsey! I wanna try the horsey!
Oh! Oh!
Oh, this is fun! Look at me, Daddy. I'm a farmer.
Oh! Oh! This is fun. Look at me, Daddy.
I'm a farmer. I'm a farmer, Daddy.
When I grow up I wanna be a farmer! I'm a farmer!
- I'm really proud of that kid. - Yeah. I think he's all grown up.
(# "I've Gotta Be Me" by Sammy Davis Jnr.)
# Whether I'm right
# Or whether I'm wrong
# Whether I find a place in this world
# Or never belong
# I gotta be me
# What else can I be but what I am?
# I want to live
# Not merely survive
# And I won't give up this dream of life that keeps me alive
# I gotta be me
# Daring to try, to do it or die
# I've gotta be me...
Look at me.
I'm sexy. I'm a sexy boy.
Ding-dong! Ding-dong!
Ding-dong!
- That's lunch, everyone. - Hey, are you guys leaving?
Can I help you?
Excuse me. Can I help you?
- Excuse me! - It's OK. I'm here with the bag.
- Bag? - The bag for the eels.
- What? - For the badger, the badger.
What? What?
Hey! What are you talking about? Are you here for a delivery?
- Japan 4. - Japan 4? What?
Japan 4?
I've got the package you guys ordered.
- Wait. Who's it for? - It's smudged.
I can really only make out "Boss".
- You mean Mr. Davidson? - Uh, Peter Davidson?
- Dave. - Dave Davidson, yeah. Dave Davidson.
See, that part was really smudged. OK?
You said Dave Davidson, then it triggered into my brain. You know how that happens?
- He's the head guy? - Yes.
So if you wanted to get a TV show based on your animations, he's the guy to talk to?
- Yes. - OK. He has brown hair?
- Blond. - Blond hair?
Blond hair! I'm looking for someone who is blond! Blond hair!
Are you a blond? Are you a blond?
- The blond...? - He's at lunch, so I'll take the package.
- He's at lunch? - Mm-hm.
His wife is dead.
What? Linda?
- Yeah, yeah, Linda. She's dead. - Oh, my God.
So I should tell him. Probably best I tell him.
- Who are you? - I'm...
I'm Quincy. I'm with the Coroner's Office. I'm like a police officer.
So I should see Mr. Davidson cos I'm a police officer.
OK. I...
He'll be at that restaurant.
- He'll be devastated. - OK...
God, he loved Linda.
- He did love Linda. - I know.
I think it's wonderful when two people love one another, and...
...even though there's a chance one of those two people will die a horrible death...
...that doesn't make me fear love. I'm not afraid of love.
Could I be your boyfriend? I love you.
- Get outta here! - No, no, no. I was just thinking...
A woman is dead. Linda is dead!
I thought we could grieve together over the dead Linda, over the dead woman.
Fuck off!
You're a skinny loser!
- Someone call Security. - Don't.
Shit!
- Security! - Don't call them, OK? I gotta go.
Tell Hanna-Barbera to go fuck themselves.
I got twelve Korean teenagers in a tiger cage that can draw a fucking dog wearing a cape.
OK. I'm looking for a Mr. Dave Davidson.
- Are you Dave Davidson? - No.
- David Davidson? - My name's Peter.
- I'm looking for a David Davidson. - I'm a woman.
- Did I ask what sex you are? - No.
- Did I ask if you were David Davidson? - My name is Cheryl.
- I'm Dave Davidson. Is there a problem? - You're Mr. Davidson?
- Yeah, officer. Is there a problem here? - I'm not really a cop.
My name's Gord, and I want to show you my drawings.
Your drawings? Are you kidding?
Mr. Davidson, I'm an animator. I've got this idea I wanna pitch to you. It's a cartoon.
It's a cat with super powers. It can see through wooden doors.
He solves crimes, he can fly. My friends and I think it's hilarious.
He flies like this. It's great.
Right, well, I'm glad your friends enjoy it, OK?
Tell me something, what do you want?
I want you to help me make it into a TV show.
You just barge into a restaurant dressed like a fucking English bobby...
...and expect someone to give you a TV show?
Uh, I don't know. Um...
- Yeah. - Do me a favor? Leave me alone.
- Please, please... - Valet?
- Please, just look at my drawings. - Yeah, OK. Fine.
It's X-ray Cat, but instead of seeing through everything, he can only see through wood.
So if there's something on the other side of a wooden door... See the criminal?
- I see the criminal. I see the door. - He sees the criminal and saves the day...
...to the dismay of the police cos they hate it when people take the law into their hands.
- Like a Batman. - Like a Guardian Angel. What's that called?
- Like a vigilante. - Like a vigilante! He's like a vigilante...
...uh, cat.
It's a cat who's a vigilante. A cat who is a vigilante.
I got that, Gord. Listen, your drawings are pretty good, but it doesn't make sense, OK?
It's fucking stupid. OK?
What you need here is elevation.
There has to be something that happens that's funny. What the fuck's happening here?
- OK. That's a banana... - I see the banana, Gord.
- With string. - I see the string.
With a bag of eyes on the other end, ba-ba-baboon eyes...
...with sauce...
...uh, dripping.
Dripping sauce and a baboon.
You see what I mean? It doesn't make any sense, Gord.
It sucks! The drawings are pretty good, but the characters are lame.
God. The characters are lame. I'm a loser. I wish I was dead!
Gord, listen! Wait, wait, wait. Listen.
I'm trying to give you a piece of advice. Will you stop?
You gotta figure these animals out. You gotta figure them out.
You gotta get inside the animals. OK?
Figure them out.
Take that out. I can't understand.
- I gotta get inside the animals? - Get inside the animals.
- You mean I shouldn't blow my brains out? - No. No, you shouldn't blow your brains out.
Wanna play in the big leagues? You gotta work on it 24 hours a day.
You gotta give it weeks and weeks and months and months and years!
And then if it doesn't work out, Gord, then blow your fucking brains out.
But, sir, I can't work on this all day. I got a job at the cheese sandwich factory.
The cheese sandwich factory? That's funny.
No, it's true. I gotta make cheese sandwiches.
- I got rent and... - Gord, listen.
If you really wanna be an animator, you should quit the shitty cheese job.
Think about it, all right?
Gord, you really wanna be an animator...
... get inside the animals.
"Get inside the animals."
You were a big boy, weren't ya?
Oh, stinky.
# I'd like to build the world a home and furnish it with love
# Grow apple trees and honey bees
# And snow-white turtle doves
# I'd like to teach the world to sing
# In perfect harmony
# I'd like to hold it...
Holy shit!
I wasn't... I wasn't expecting that to happen.
(# "We're a Happy Family" by The Ramones)
# We're a happy family, we're a happy family
# We're a happy family, me, Mom and Daddy
# We're a happy family, we're a happy family
# We're a happy family, me, Mom and Daddy
# Sittin'here in Queens eatin'refried beans
# We're in all the magazines
Gord, you're back! Whoa!
There we go.
Hello?
Now listen, Gordie's gonna be a little upset about being back home, so just be nice.
I'm home.
- Gordie, sit down. We're having roast beef. - Why do you guys always have roast beef?
Boo-hoo! Little Lord Fauntleroy's tummy hurts cos there's too much roast beef in it.
It's just boring.
- I'm eating a chicken sandwich. - You're not!
This is crazy. I'm 28 years old. I should be able to eat a chicken sandwich if I want.
He's 28 years old and he can eat a chicken sandwich. Very impressive.
Mike Fitzgibbon's son is a nuclear physicist...
...and my son can eat a chicken!
Jim, no!
You can either eat that goddamn roast beef, or you can go to bed.
Good.
Sh. Gord! Gord! Don't hammer 'em so loud. Jeez.
It's late. You're gonna wake up your parents.
- You're right. I'll use the electric nail gun. - Yeah.
Sh. Sh. Gord. Gord!
- What? - Oh, boys!
Will you two faggots stop making so fucking much noise? We're sleeping.
Sh!
Goddammit!
It's three in the morning!
- Stop the fucking hammering! - Jim, I got a kid over here. OK?
- Gord, are you almost done over there? - Yeah, nearly, Mr. Malloy.
Hey, Gord. Can I play on your ramp tomorrow?
Sure, Andy. Any time.
Has your dad got, like, bowel problems?
- Let's skate this thing. - Don't you think it's kinda dark, Gord?
I gotta work tomorrow.
You mean to say we're finished now and you are not gonna enjoy the fruits of your labor?
I don't have the right shoes on. They're slippery and they got no sole.
- Just enjoy the fruits here. - Don't say "the fruits".
OK.
Holy shit.
Dirty little shit! You think that's funny? I gotta work in the morning.
Argh!
- Dad, what the fuck? He hurt his leg. - He shouldn't have been screaming out here.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Oh! Oh, Christ! Oh, God!
Get him a job!
Get him an ambulance! You get a job. He's got a job.
What the hell are you doing?
- Hi. I'm looking for my friend Darren. - Sh.
Wow. That's a... Oh, that's a neat trick you do there.
Yeah! Yeah, my record's seven in a row.
Oh!
Wow. Are hospitals always this fun?
No. Sometimes... Sometimes people here die of cancer.
- Cancer, huh? - Yeah.
Hi, I'm Gord.
Hi. I'm Betty.
Uh...
- That creamer game's fun. - Yeah, I know. Yeah, it's my hobby.
- Yeah. My passion is... - Creamers?
No! No. Not just the creamers.
Physics. Flight, actually.
I'm kind of a rocket scientist, to tell the truth. Yeah.
Well, OK, amateur. Amateur rocket scientist.
- It's still pretty crazy. - Yeah. I know.
- What do you do? - Me, uh...
Investments. I do investments.
Um... Consulting in the business... business.
Um, analyzing stocks.
Uh... NASDAQ, Dow Jones, Wall Street Journal...
...uh, New York City, CNN. - Oh, wow. Wow. You must be rich.
Yeah. You know, they have creamers in places other than hospitals.
And I thought... If this is forward, just tell me...
...but maybe we could go to one of those places, like a restaurant.
We could flip them together there sometime.
Uh...
That'd be fun. Here's my number.
OK. Call me.
Oh, gotta run. I'll talk to you soon. Call me, Gord.
Bye!
Have you seen that girl, the doctor?
No. I haven't exactly been able to get up and wander around, Gord.
OK, well, it's weird cos I asked her out on a date and she said yes.
- Yeah, that is weird. - Excuse me. Could you keep it down?
This is a hospital room and I'm pregnant.
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am. I didn't realize that you were pregnant.
So anyway, that girl I asked out on a date, see, I thought she could walk.
- She's handicapped? Is that what you mean? - She's in a wheelchair.
Could you please just shut the fuck up?! I am fucking pregnant!
- You saying you hate people in wheelchairs? - I don't hate them.
I think it's clear what you're saying. You hate the handicapped.
I don't. You're handicapped. I don't hate you. See?
You're handicapped. You're handicapped.
- You bastard! - My baby's coming! My baby is coming!
Help.
Help. My baby is coming.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Oh! Oh!
- Are you OK, ma'am? - My baby is coming. My baby is coming.
- Call the doctor, you fucking asshole! - It's OK. I'm a doctor.
No, get me a real doctor.
I am a real doctor. See? I'm a real doctor.
Get away from me!
- Here. Spread your legs for me, OK? - No! No!
What are you doing? What are you doing?!
- I see the problem here. - Don't.
There seems to be a little baby inside your body.
Here. Give me your head, little fellow.
Give me your head, little fellow. Here, little fellow.
I got you. I got you. I got her. I got her.
I got her. I got her. I got her. I got her.
Put it back, Gord.
You gotta cut the cord. You gotta cut the cord.
Jeez, do I have to do everything?
Oh, God. Help me.
Why isn't it crying?
Uh, it's sleeping?
- Give me my baby, you fucker! - I'll wake up your baby.
- Gordie! - Wakey-wakey! Wakey-wakey!
Wakey-wakey! Wakey-wakey!
I saved the day.
Thank you.
I saved the day.
My pretty baby girl.
- Don't ever come back. Ever. - I saved the day.
- You did not save the day. - What's going on, Gord?
I saved the day. Don't touch my shoulder, OK? I saved the day.
Seems like they got a problem with heroes around here.
I saved the day, Betty.
- I'll call you tonight. - OK.
Hey! Come on in. Just got four in a row.
- What? - Creamers. Four creamer flips in a row.
- Come watch. - Oh, cool.
Whoo! I got another one.
- No way. Are those actually rockets? - Uh-huh.
- I'm designing a rocket-powered wheelchair. - Really?
- That's incredible. Does it work? - No.
No, I haven't been able to quite figure it out yet.
Don't you feel like a stupid dummy?
- Excuse me? - You tried to make it work, but it doesn't.
- It must make you feel like a stupid dummy. - No.
I didn't expect to master the intricacies of rocketry on my first attempt. It's a process.
- You sort of learn from your mistakes. - Hm. Never thought of it like that.
Besides, they don't let me work on it at the hospital.
They don't think handicapped people should go fast, but it's bullshit...
...cos I like going fast and I like rockets...
...because they're hot... and hard... and long.
Actually, I thought we could kinda go to a movie or something.
Uh, hi.
How are you?
Be a lot better if you'd spank my legs with this bamboo.
Um...
What?
Just whack it against my shins as hard as you can, OK?
Uh... I guess.
Um...
How's that?
Come on, Gordie. You can do better than that.
What are you, a little puss?
- A puss? A pussy? - Come on.
- Come on, pussy. You can do better. - Pussy? I don't know...
- How's that? - Come on, pussy, pussy!
Don't be shy, little pussy.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Oh, come on, I wanna see them bleed!
Oh, yeah! I felt a tingle!
Oh, don't stop! Oh, yeah!
Oh! Oh!
You wanna get another tingle?
Ow! Gord, what the fuck?
Not my face! It's not my face that's paralyzed, you fuck!
Sorry. I...
I've never really caned anyone before.
It's OK.
It's your turn now.
OK.
Don't do it too hard, though.
I've got sensitive knees.
Oh, I'm not gonna whack your legs with the bamboo, Gord.
I'm gonna give you a blow job.
Betty, it's only our first date. We should go do romantic stuff first, like walk in the park.
- I can't walk. - Maybe I could take you out for a roll.
I'd rather stay here and suck!
The thing is... I think... OK.
Come here, Gord.
Uh...
Hm.
Um...
That's my umbilical cord.
Oh? Didn't you ever have that removed?
Um...
It's taped. It's just for fun.
I taped it there for fun.
Uh...
OK. I can work around it.
Wait... wait... wait...
- Come on. - Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.
OK.
- Hello, Father. - Hey, Freddy!
- How are you, son? - I'm working hard, just like you taught me.
- You moving back home, Freddy? - What? No, no, no.
No way, Mother. I'm a man now.
I'm all grown up and I'm out on my own and I'm earning a good living.
- Is it gonna be a busy day at the bank today? - Well, I sure hope so.
Is that, um...?
Your big brother. He couldn't handle the complexities of making a cheese sandwich...
...so now he's back home with us. - Wow.
Jeez, is that idiot still in the shower? Shit, how much water is he gonna use?
Yeah, how much is he gonna use? All of it?
He should save some for the fish. Huh, Pop?
Gord!
I'll fix him.
How's the water? Cold enough for ya?
Dammit. Don't tell me you're so stupid, you can't tell the difference between hot and cold.
- What the fuck is going on? - I'm underwater. Look, I found a treasure.
- A treasure? That's soap on a rope. - Sh. I'm pretending it's a treasure.
Get out of my goddamn scuba gear, you imbecile.
Oh, no, the treasure! It went into that underwater cave.
Get out of that toilet!
Father, you saved me from the giant barracuda.
But, look, I salvaged the treasure. We can live like kings.
- We can live like kings! - Forget that fucking soap.
Clean up this mess and get your ass out that door looking for a job, you retard.
He's driving me insane.
No. No, you're driving him insane.
You're older than me and you still live at home.
I have a job, you know. I pay my own way.
- You work in a bank. Should I be dazzled? - Well, at least I don't live at home.
No, you live in a tiny shithole and you come here to eat for free.
Whatever. Listen, I'm off to work now, OK?
Me and Dad have jobs. We're doing something with our lives.
It's time for you to grow up. Good luck with that job hunt, OK?
All right. Let's cross our fingers. OK, Freddy?
Let's cross our fingers and hope I get a job. I'm serious.
Just cross your fingers.
All right! Fingers crossed.
I hope I get a jobbie, Freddy. I got my fingers crossed.
- I hope I get a job. I got my fingers crossed. - Goodbye, Gord.
I got my fingers crossed.
Crossed. Crossed. Cro...
...ssed.
(# "Personality Crisis" by The New York Dolls)
# Wha!
# Whoo!
# Yeah, yeah, yeah
# No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
# All about that personality crisis
# You got it while it was hot
# But now frustration and heartache is what you got
Paid for his damn college.
Sits at home all day, whacking off.
Better have a damn job.
Proud...
My ass!
Hey!
# I'm the backwards man, the backwards man, the backwards man
# I can walk backwards fast as you can I can walk backwards fast as you can
- # I'm the backwards man... - What the hell is that?
# I'm the backwards man, the backwards man Backward man, the backward man
# The backward man, the backward man Backward man, the backward man
# I can walk backwards fast as you can I can walk backwards fast as you can...
- Gord! - Dad!
What in God's name are you doing, you stupid little man? Wait...
Did you get a job?
Yeah.
I got a job and I wanted to surprise you.
Hey, you bullshitting me, boy?
No, I got a job working nights at a computer company.
I was borrowing one of your suits till I could get enough money to buy one of my own.
Are you kidding? You can keep that suit.
Oh, Gord, I knew you had it in ya. You're just a late bloomer, that's all.
Yeah, I just bloomed late.
Hey, can I borrow 50 bucks or something? For supplies.
For, like, pens or Liquid Paper or a Trapper Keeper...
...or one of those little compasses that you put the pencil in...
...and you can make a circle, a perfect circle.
Hey, worker, take a hundred.
Golly, Gord. I knew if I kept yelling at ya, pounding you over the head with it...
...you'd come around.
Golly, Dad. You were right all along.
Oh! Come on. Come on. Come on.
No, no, no!
Just keep dancing, celebrate! Hell, man, this is a great day.
# I'm the backwards man, the backwards man...
Oh! Oh, Gord. Oh, you're amazing!
- Oh, yes! Oh, yes! - I'm doing it good.
Agh! Agh!
Aaaaagh!
- Am I doing it wrong? - Oh, no!
Oh, that was incredible. Time for your blow job, Gordie.
Oh, not right now, Betty.
- Oh, Gordie, come on. - I thought we could have a nice evening.
- Don't you want me to suck it? - No, no, no.
- Betty, let go. Betty, just let go. - No, no.
- What, Gordie? Come on! - Betty! Betty! Betty! Betty, come on.
- Betty, stop it. - What?
Stop it!
Why are you yelling?
It's crazy. This is the second date we haven't gone out on yet, and if you do this again...
...you'll have sucked 200% more times than we've gone out on dates.
And I just think if we went out on at least one date and you didn't do any sucking...
...that'd make the whole sucking-to-date ratio far more balanced, you know?
Yeah. OK. Let's go out then.
Good. Good.
(# slow movement of a string quartet by Haydn)
Jim, thank you for taking me out for dinner tonight.
Maybe now that Gord is working, we can finally spend our evenings alone together.
Jim, what are you doing?
- Thank you. That was yummy. - I'm so glad you liked it.
Andy, would you like a piece of cake?
Am I really allowed a piece of cake, Daddy?
Of course you can have a piece of cake. It's your birthday.
- Yay! - Yay!
So, Gord...
...is your job really hard?
It's not hard, no. I mean, you have to be smart, really smart.
You have to use your brain. I have to use my brain.
I like to see when the stocks are high, OK?
- And I like to see when they're low. - That's interesting.
Sometimes they're really high. Sometimes they're very high.
That's high!
That's when you wanna sell. You buy them when they're down very low.
Yeah. I have some graphs I can show you.
If you pay attention to these patterns here, you can see. I made these on my computer.
Oh, boy. I need to spill some urine. Where can I do that?
The restrooms are at the other end of the restaurant, sir.
Thank you very, very much.
Cheerio.
- Wow. It's all over the place. - This one here is high.
- It's interesting. - Just look at the patterns.
Um...
Is that, um... Did you need to...
Oh, yeah.
This is my... This is my cellular telephone.
It's wireless. It uses satellites and terrestrial antennas to send and receive transmissions.
It's, um... It's a new thing.
- Interesting. - Hello?
Hey. Here's my buddy Andy.
Ah, somebody's eating some birthday cake.
- Yes, sir. It's my birthday. - Hey.
- How you doing, Jim? - I'm great.
- So I guess Gord's busy these days, huh? - Yeah. That kid of mine is something else.
He's working day and night at his big, new computer job.
- Yeah, I noticed him over there. - Say what?
It looked like he was having an important business meeting.
- Oh, yeah. - Speak up. I'm on my cellular telephone.
I don't care, Bob. You're fired. You're fired!
You're fucking fired, Bob!
Clean out your locker at the club, Bob. You're fucking fired!
Patterns. I don't fucking care what he told you, OK?
I'm talking about 40 million fucking Deutschmark here, Bob.
40 million fucking Deutschmark!
I told you to wire the money to Geneva last week.
I say Geneva, you hear Helsinki, huh?!
40 million fucking Deutschmark, Bob!
- What's going on? - Da... Jim. Uh, Jim, hi.
- Gord, is this your dad? - No, this is little Timmy. Little Timmy.
He works at the company. He gets us food and stuff. Right, Timmy?
What the fuck is going on, Gord? Why aren't you at your new job?
What are you talking about, Timmy?
Oh, Jesus, Gord.
There is no computer job, is there?
You're just gallivanting around in my suit, pretending to be a mover and a shaker.
OK, Timmy. I'm on the cell... phone here.
This is my phone from my kitchen.
What the hell is this? Ah, boy.
Here we go. Hah!
My goddamn tape recorder.
He's pretending to have a cell phone. He's an unemployed loser living in my basement.
Wait a minute.
- You're a cripple. - Dad.
- Wha... What? - Dad.
- Got a problem with my legs? - You've got the problem.
- Either that, or you're just lazy. - Hey, Dad, just shut up, OK?
You're telling me to shut up?!
- Why is he shouting, Daddy? - Can we get the check over here?
...retard, slut, whore! - I am not retarded.
- (# band play "Marriage of Figaro" by Mozart) - Daddy! Daddy!
Goodbye, Gord.
Betty, don't go!
Shut up, Dad!
Shut up! Shut up!
- This is a fancy restaurant. - Oh, this is a fancy restaurant.
This is a fancy restaurant. It's a fancy... It's a fancy restaurant.
- Spanking. Spanking. - You want a spanking?
Spanking. Spanking.
Agh!
Get off the fucking bar, asshole!
Um...
...thanks for bailing me out, Betty.
Your dad called me a retard, slut, whore. I don't think he likes me too much, Gord.
- That was little Timmy. - Gord.
Come here.
I know it was your dad.
- You could have told me you lived at home. - Even though that means I'm a loser?
Just because you're not a stockbroker doesn't mean you're a loser.
So what do you do?
Actually, I kinda draw pictures.
Really? What kind of pictures? Like fruits?
- Oh, not fruits. I've drawn fruit before. - Yeah?
- Animations. - Oh, wow.
That's great. I've never met a real animator before.
I'm not really a real animator.
Life's hectic. I'm having trouble concentrating, with all the skateboarding...
...and you sucking my penis all the time.
Oh, my ear popped. My ear just popped.
- I think I heard it. - When I laughed, my ear popped.
Well, Gordie, maybe you're concentrating a little too hard.
Maybe you just need to relax while you draw.
You know, eat some food, play some music.
I only have two hands, Betty. How am I supposed to do all that?
- What? - Eat food and play music and draw?
- What? - At the same time?
Oh... yeah.
# Sausages, sausages, sausages Sausages, sausages, sausages
What in the name of sweet breakfast meats are you doing?
For your information, I'm being creative.
Betty told me this is what I need to do to become an artist.
Oh, yeah? Is it working?
I don't know. I can't think of anything to draw because I'm so stupid!
# I'm so stupid, I'm so stupid
# I'm so stupid, I'm stupid, I'm stupid, I'm stupid, I'm stupid...
Shit. Hey, this is kinda funny, Gord.
- Yeah? - Maybe you can't see it cos he's your dad...
...but he's a character, your dad.
- He is? - Yeah.
- He's a character? - Shit. It's your dad.
- # He's a real character, he's a real character - Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Brody. Goodbye.
- # Sausage, sausage... - Oh, look, honey. Our boy's a genius.
He's rigged a pulley system so he can eat sausage and work on his stupid drawings.
I'm being creative. Now, if you'll excuse me, I still have some work to do.
# Daddy, would you like some sausage? Daddy, would you like some sausages?
# Daddy, would you like some sausage? Sausages? Sausages?
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Now, you just get outside and you just cool off!
If this were Pakistan, you'd have been sewing soccer balls when you were four years old.
Miserable, deadbeat punk.
I bust my ass working for my family.
You take his side every time.
You want me to cool down? All right, I'm gonna show you a cool down.
Oh, just keep kissing his ass.
Cool down!
Hey? How's this for a cool down? Agh!
I feel better already.
Aaaagh!
My ramp... Why?
- He's such a stupid loser. - He's not stupid.
We shouldn't put up with the way he treats us. I wouldn't stand for it.
If I were you, I would show him that I deserve respect.
- If I were you, I would go out. I'd have sex. - Oh, honey. No.
If I were you, I'd go out. I'd have sex with strange men.
I'd have sex with basketball players.
I'd have sex with Greeks.
Men from Greece.
I'd satisfy my urges.
I'd satisfy my sexual desires.
Gordie, honey, come on. Let's go in the house.
Come on.
- That's my ramp. - I know.
- He wrecked my ramp. - I know. It's OK.
- My skateboard ramp. - I'm sorry.
I had the sausages on my fingers. I was trying to play piano.
I had the sausages. I had the sausages and the string.
I was playing the organ, and then he smashed my half-pipe.
Jim, do you hear what Gord is saying here?
I hear him boohooing about his broken wheelie-board ramp. Is that what you mean?
Yes, Jim. But do you understand what he's saying?
Sounds to me like he just wants you to accept him as your son.
To approve of him and what he wants to do with his life.
How does that make you feel?
First of all, I don't give a rat's ass what this punk wants.
As long as he lives in my house and eats my food, I make the rules.
- I wanna eat chicken burgers. - You prick.
Jim, don't hurt my baby. Now, sit down.
You're an embarrassment to my family.
Oh, yeah? Well, at least I don't touch Freddy.
- Say what? - Excuse me?
Yeah, he touches my little brother. He takes him behind the furnace and touches him.
- See the insanity I put up with? - He's embarrassed.
- Jim! - He touches my little brother.
He...
He... He fingers him.
- You're a goddamn liar. - Jim! Do you touch him?
Do you finger our boy?
Don't get wacky on me. What the fuck are we talking about?
Mr. Brody, this is very serious.
Based on what I've heard here today, I am required by law to notify the authorities.
You hear that, Dad? You're gonna pay!
He's a molester. He's a child molester!
Agh!
You'd better run, you li-aaaaaaar!
... so then we placed a retractor. This holds the abdominal wall open.
- Hi. Can I help you? - Uh, yes, you can.
We're here for little Freddy.
I'm Freddy.
Oh.
Well, um...
...Freddy, I'm a doctor.
And we need to take you with us.
What?
- What did I do wrong? - No. No, you didn't do anything wrong.
That's the most important thing for you to remember.
It's not your fault your dad fingered you.
What are you talking about? My dad doesn't finger me.
- Come on, son. We'll take you outta here. - No! No, I'm not going anywhere.
- My father does not finger me. - It's over, Freddy.
We'll take you someplace where your dad won't be able to hurt you any more.
- Officer. - Come with me, son.
Guys, my dad doesn't finger me. Are you crazy?
It's OK, Freddy. It's OK. You'll be safe now.
I'm 25 years old.
Dad?
Dad!
- Dad! - What are you doing with my boy?
- Help. - I'll get you a lawyer.
Freddy, no!
- I've never been fingered! - It's OK, Julie.
Your husband's deeply disturbed and we won't let him hurt your little boy any more.
I didn't do anything.
What are you looking at, bitch?
Honey!
Julie!
(# "Microphone Fiend" by Eric B & Rakim)
# I was a fiend, fiend before I became a teen
# I melted microphones instead of cones of ice cream
# Music orientated so when hip-hop was originated
# Fitted like pieces of puzzles, complicated
# Cos I grabbed the mike and tried to say "Yes, y'all"
# They tried to take it and say that I'm too small...
- What're you doing? - Stop it. I'm working on those.
I'm getting 'em ready to show Mr. Davidson.
- Stop it. - Scared I'm ruining these little sketches?
Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it, stop it, stop it! Mickey Mouse!
Fuck you, Dad.
Fuck me?
Yeah, fuck you.
Do you wanna fuck me? Is that what you said?
- What? - Do you want to fuck me?
Huh?
All right, Gord.
Come on over here...
...and fuck me.
Come on, Gord. Get your ass over here and fuck me.
Just stick it right in here.
- Put your ass away. - Here. Your sketches, here.
Ooh! Oh!
Holy shit, Dad. What are you doing?
Why don't you come on over here and fuck your daddy?
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck Daddy.
Hey! Hey!
Julie?
Sweetie?
You, Gordon Brody, you're nothing.
- You're nothing and will always be nothing. - Dad...
God! I've never been so ashamed of anything in my life.
Dad.
Julie!
Julie.
# Don't nobody know my troubles but God?
# Oh, lordy, trouble so hard
# Don't nobody know my troubles but God?
# Went down the hill the other day
# My soul got happy and stayed all day
# Went down the hill the other day
# My soul got happy and stayed all day
# Oh, lordy, trouble so hard
# Oh, lordy...
Oh, shit.
Oh, the hypergolic propellants aren't mixing.
Ah, of course. It's the oxidizer.
Too bad it didn't work, huh?
Oh, hey, Gord. How are the animations coming along?
Well, see, there's been a change in plans.
I figured, instead of following my dream of being an animator, I'm just gonna give up.
Why?
Because.
- Because why? - Cos why shouldn't I?
My dad was right all along. It is stupid.
It's time I grow up and get a job, instead of acting like a little baby all the time.
But you're not a baby. You can’t just quit.
Shut up, Betty. Just shut up.
I've as much a chance of being an animator as you have of getting this chair to work.
Can't you see we're both just stupid idiots?
- Gord... - "Gord!"
"Gordie!"
I'm so close to getting this rocket to work.
Rockets! Rockets! "I'm gonna get my rockets to work!"
It's always about the rockets.
(# "Girls and Boys Come out to Play")
# Girls and boys come out to play The moon is shining bright as day
# Leave your supper and leave your sleep Come to your playfellows in the street
# Come with a whoop or come with a call Come with a good will or not at all
# Up the ladder and down the wall A penny loaf will serve us all
You got fingered?
No. OK?
It's OK.
I know.
Now I'll tell you once more. Stop trying to act so grown up.
- Is there a problem? - Yeah, moron.
I ordered a cheese sandwich and there's hardly any cheese in here.
That's no good, is it?
Here, give me your sandwich. I will fix it for you.
You can't have complaints there's not enough cheese in the cheese sandwiches.
I mean, if there's no cheese in a cheese sandwich, that's just two slices of bread.
If word of that were to get out, well, I could lose my job.
I could lose all of this!
And we wouldn't want that, would we?
Would we?
Huh?!
- What the fuck am I gonna do with that? - You could stick it in your bum-bum.
You can put the cheese in your bum.
- ... go on upstairs to your room. - OK. If that's what you want.
Julie!
Sweetheart, wait.
Let's talk, sugar.
There's nothing to talk about. I can't be with you another second.
Wait. What about our dreams, baby doll?
I'm sure you'd rather find some young boys instead of me.
- What the hell are you talking about? - I saw what you were doing downstairs.
Whatever you saw was completely out of context.
I just told him to fuck me because Gord said "Fuck you, Dad."
Don't you get it? Fuck you, fuck me. Fuck you, fuck me. Fuck you, fuck me.
And I never fingered Freddy!
And now over to Phil, who has a special-interest story. Phil?
We've heard of electric wheelchairs, but have you heard of one powered by rockets?
A girl by the name of Betty Menger may not be able to walk, but it hasn't slowed her down.
She's a scientist who designed a wheelchair that does 0 to 60 in under four seconds.
She did it.
Look at her go!
Way to go, Betty.
Yeah, hi.
Do you think that I pay you to stand around watching TV? Get back to work.
- Sorry, kid. I don't think this'll work out. - Don't call me kid.
Sir, although I respect your authority here at Submarine Supreme...
...and I admire your position of power...
...I regretfully am going to have to again bow out of the sandwich industry...
...because in reality I am an animator.
I'm an animator, OK?
See ya.
- Where the hell d'you think you're going? - To get a job, Dad. OK?
- You must think I'm a damn idiot. - Uh... yes.
Bullshit, you're getting a job!
You're a liar. You're grounded, you liar.
- Grounded? I'm 28 years old. - I don't care! Go to your room.
Bye-bye, Daddy. Bye-bye, Daddy. I'm going to get a jobbie!
No, you're not! Not in this damn car you're not!
- Bye-bye, Daddy. - Fuck you! Thief! Thief! Thief!
- Where the fuck is he? - Mr. Brody?
- Where's my son? - What?
Where is he?
Mr. Brody, please! I don't know. Agh!
Are you gonna tell me, you little punk-ass?
He's in Hollywood, selling his cartoons.
Aaaaagh!
Japan 4!
OK. Davidson for four...
Mr. Davidson, I have something you need to see.
- Is there a bomb in there, Gord? - It's not a bomb.
I did what you told me. I quit my shitty cheese job, moved in with my parents.
I worked really hard and I came up with a concept. It's called:
..."Zebras in America". OK?
It's about a family who move to America.
It's a classic fish-out-of-water story, except it's not fish...
...it's, uh, zebras... out of water.
- Zebras don't live in water, but I understand. - I know. That's what I'm talking about.
The zebras aren't in the water. It's like Splash.
I saw it. I loved it. But is this the father character with a goatee like you? Is that him?
- Yeah. - Just seems a little unrealistic, that's all.
- Unrealistic? - Yeah.
- He's a centaur, like a half-man, half-zebra. - Right. Clash of the Titans. I saw it. I get it.
Half-man, half-zebra, mutant. He's a...
- The myth. The myth. - It's a myth. It's like a Greek myth.
It's like a Greek myth, except African.
- African... - African-American-Greek...
- Myth. - Yes.
- Can I help you? - Yeah, you can, miss.
Get off your ass and tell me where my son is.
- Who the hell do you think you are? - Get the fuck out...
Argh!
- But the father is real. - Nobody does this shit. I don't buy it.
- It doesn't seem real. - Here you are...
...you goddamn lying, car-thieving, doodling time-waster!
- What's so fucking funny, you little prick? - You're funny.
You think it's funny to brainwash my kid, so he sits around with his fingers up his ass?
I'll show you what's funny.
- Mr. Davidson, run! - Don't hurt me, big daddy. Don't hurt me(!)
This is my son here. I'm the father here.
I'll get you. Goddamn you, Gord. You son of a bitch!
You too, you little prick!
Ow! That hurt. Hey. Ow.
Great job. Nice show.
Where d'you get this guy? Central Casting? He is fucking great.
It was hilarious, Gord. That's great shit.
Mr. Davidson, I'm sorry. That's my father. He's crazy.
Gord, whatever. Do me a favor, stop the act. Let me tell you something.
I've been doing this job, OK, for six years.
I have never seen a more creative or exciting pitch than that.
I wasn't even thinking about writing a cheque today, but with such creativity...
...I'm comfortable green-lighting this fucking project.
I'm gonna write you a cheque right now for, I don't know, how's $1 million sound to you?
Oh... Uh...
- Sound good? - Sounds...
Hi, my name is Harry.
Do you hear the funny sound?
It's my hooves. It's my hooves.
In Africa, the humans hated us because of our zebra lower bodies.
And zebras hated us because of our human upper bodies.
So my family moved from Africa to start over in America.
But life in America wasn't perfect.
Especially for zebras who are used to living in fields, not houses.
My hooves. My hooves.
My dad was weird in Africa, but America made him crazy.
I'm not getting a stupid job, Dad. I never had a part-time job in Africa.
How dare you!
How do you like that, fucker? How do you like that, fucker? Huh, fucker?
You fucker. You fucker. Fucker! Huh, fucker? Fucker!
Check us out.
You'll love how simple misunderstandings get us into a whole heap of trouble. It's crazy.
Listen to my hooves.
Listen to them. Cloppety-clop.
Zebras in America!
# Drinkin' beer in the hot sun
# I fought the law and I won
Darren. Darr...
Darren...
- What do you want, Gord? - Darren, you're not gonna believe this.
I don't think we can be friends any more cos you're crazy and your father's crazy too.
- Wanna see what a million dollars looks like? - Keep it down. I have to work he...
- What is that? - It's a cheque for a million dollars.
I sold my cartoon. My dad said I couldn't sell it, but guess what? I sold my cartoon.
- For a million dollars! - Sh. Sh...
I got a million dollars for my little drawings. For my little drawings.
No, don't rub on Mr. Lee. No, no, no, not my plant. Give me my plant, Gord.
Gord, give...
Don't you see? I don't have to take his crap any more.
You're right. You've done it.
You don't have to live in their basement any more.
Look, just give me $100,000 in cash. Put the rest of my cheque in a savings account.
- What d'you want with 100 grand, Gord? - Hm?
Hm?
- Hm? - Don't...
- I wonder. - Don't do that.
I wonder. I wonder.
(# "Ride of the Valkyries" by Wagner)
Betty! Betty, come to the window.
Betty! Betty!
Gord?
- Gord, is that you? - Look at me, Betty. I'm flying.
- Gord, what do you want? - Meet me on the roof.
Meet me on the roof, Betty. Please!
(# "When a Man Loves a Woman" by Percy Sledge)
# When a man loves a woman
# Can't keep his mind on nothing else
# He'd trade the world for the good thing he's found
# If she is bad, he can't see it...
Gord, what are you doing?
What?
- Gord, I can't hear you! - I saw you on TV!
And you inspired me to keep trying, so I did it and I sold my animations and...
Remember that day I lied to you and told you I was a stockbroker?
Guess what? Now I really am rich, and... here.
- I have a bag of jewels for you. - Gord, what...?
They're jewels, Betty. They're jewels.
I got them all for you.
But, Gord, I don't care about jewels. I just wanna...
I just wanna suck your cock.
Do ya? Do ya really mean that, Betty?
Yes, Gord.
Even if you were poor, I'd still just wanna stay home and...
...and suck your cock.
- Oh, Betty! - Oh, Gordie!
Oh!
- Are you crying, you silly? - No.
No!
- Yes, you are. - OK, maybe just a little.
I gotta go! I gotta go!
OK. Where are you going, Gord?
I'm going to see my daddy.
Good luck, Gord. Good luck.
I'm going to see my daddy!
Good luck, Gordie!
My daddy! My daddy!
Somebody in this room?
I'll kick your ass.
Fuck.
Sweet dreams, Daddy.
You see, Mr. Brody, this part here is the trickiest part. It'll take 30 men.
It would be a lot cheaper if you just tear the whole thing down and build...
Money's no object.
Cos I had a million dollars, OK? And then I spent $150,000 on the jewels, OK?
Then I spent $100,000 - I rented a helicopter, OK?
Then add the $750,000 - that's all my money.
That's all my money gone.
That's a million dollars gone. Easy come, easy go.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, Freida. That's the ticket.
Where in fuck's the water?
Surprise, Daddy! We're in Pakistan.
I thought we could go sew some soccer balls together.
Pakistan?
Pakistan? There's a fucking camel!
We're going for a ride, Daddy.
What is going on?
How the hell did you do this to me?
- Uh-oh! - Stop! Stop!
Oh!
Aaagh!
Dad, I...
There ain't gonna be no discussion from now on. I'm gonna kick your ass!
I'm gonna kill you!
Hey, hey, hey!
You're fucking dead.
Hold on. Hey!
All gone. My wife is gone. My life's ruined.
You didn't know I could run this fast, did ya, fartface?
Hey! You better run, you little shit.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Look at me, Daddy. Look at me.
Look at me, Daddy. Look what I can do.
What the fuck d'you think you're doing, you sick son of a bitch?
Dad?
Gord, are you OK?
I think so.
Shit.
I wanna ask you something. How the fuck did you afford all this?
Where'd you get the money?
I got a job.
I'm an animator.
I'm a real animator.
A job?
- You mean your doodles? - Yeah, Dad.
I sold them.
They gave me a million dollars for my drawings.
Good God Almighty, Gord. A million dollars.
This doodling thing's for real.
You must be a pretty damn good doodler, aren't you?
Look, I know we've had our differences.
You and I never really see eye to eye, but I learned something.
- I can see that. - No, not just how to whack off an elephant.
I learned to believe in myself.
I'm sorry if you're ashamed of me because I do things differently, but I got that from you...
...cos you always do things your own way, no matter what other people think.
And maybe I needed to do the same.
I know I'll never be the man you want me to be, but I'm your son.
And I want you to be proud.
Son, you did it.
I am proud of you.
Proud.
Buenos días.
(# traditional song)
Topping world news tonight, the creator of a popular TV show...
...has been captured by villagers in Pakistan.
The American State Department has confirmed that Gordon Brody...
...creator of the animated series Zebras in America...
...creator of the series, Zebras in America...
...were taken hostage while vacationing in the Thar Desert.
...while vacationing in the Thar Desert, along the Pakistani-Indian border.
At this hour their conditions are not known.
Agh!
The world got its first glimpse of Gordon and Jim Brody.
Earlier today the Pentagon released this video tape...
Are you still in love with your husband?
Shaq, honey. That's my son, my baby boy. They're holding him hostage.
- I'm just being a concerned mom. - Yeah, whatever.
I did all this for you. Nipples pierced. Can he do it like this, huh?
Do it like that. Do all this. Do all that.
... to bring the Brodys home alive.
A happy ending in the Brody hostage crisis.
After 18 months in captivity, the father and son were freed yesterday.
Gordon and Jim Brody are expected to return to their home in Portland today...
... where the real healing will begin.
The mayor and the city have organized a celebration for the Brodys'return.
(# band plays "The Star-Spangled Banner")
Go on, Gord!
- Wait for me. - Andy, no!
Andy! No!
Daddy, I'm OK. I'm OK.
I'm OK, Daddy.
# May I have your attention, please?
# Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?
# I repeat Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?
# We're gonna have a problem here
# Y'all act like you never seen a white person before
# Jaws all on the floor like Pam, like Tommy just burst in the door...
You can't hurt me. Not with my cheese helmet.
- These are stupid. - Not stupid.
- Stupid. - Not stupid.
Oh! Now I'm stinky.
Now I'm stinky.
Now... Now I'm stinky.
- It's a monster. - What are you doing?
You're a tasty monster.
Ah, ah, ah...
- Bling, bling, bling. - Blah, blah, blah.
Get off. You're off.
What the fuck are we doing?
# All you other Slim Shady's are just imitating
# So won't the real Slim Shady please stand up?
# Please stand up? Please stand up?
Ha ha.
# I guess there's a Slim Shady in all of us
# Fuck it
# Let's all stand up
(# "Do the Freddy" by The Adolescents)
Visiontext Subtitles: Natasha Cohn
("I've Gotta Be Me" by Iggy Pop)
# Whether I'm right
# Or whether I'm wrong
# Whether I find a place in this world
# Or never belong
# I gotta be me
# What else can I be but what I am?
# I want to live
# Not merely survive
# And I won't give up this dream of life that keeps me alive
# I gotta be me
# The dream that I see makes me what I am
# That faraway prize
# A world of success
# Is waiting for me, if I heed the call
# I won't settle down
# Or settle for less
# As long as there's a chance that I can have it all
# I'll go it alone
# That's how it must be
# I can't be right for nobody else if I'm not right for me
# I gotta be free
# Daring to try, to do it or die
# I gotta be me
# One, two, three
# Gotta be me
And cut.