- Oh, my god! - What is that?
- Is it in the house? - It's church bells.
How'd the church bells get in the house?
- They're outside. - In the yard?
No, at the church. What time is it?
It's 3:12.
Why are the church bells ringing at 3:12?
I was having a dream, too.
I was shopping for a car and I wanted to see the trunk space
'cause I have a truck and it's convenient to haul things.
So I wanted to see what the deal with the car was, and the salesman opened it.
I asked him how many cubic feet it was and he looked it up in the manual
and I was satisfied. So when he closed the hood, the bells rang.
You have very mundane dreams.
Town meeting. Town meeting.
What was that?
Some dead guy yelling something.
Ghosts are yelling something outside the house?
No, guys I'm gonna kill yelling stuff outside the house.
Town meeting.
What are they saying?
There was a clown beating?
Not again.
Town meeting. Town meeting.
No, they're saying, "town meeting."
Town meeting? At this hour?
What the hell is Taylor up to?
- All right. - Let's get back to sleep.
- Guess we better go. - What?
- I'm going back to bed. - I'm not going back to sleep.
Come on, it's a town meeting.
It's the middle of the night.
Sorry, we might miss something.
Oh, good-- full house.
Just goes to show how easily manipulated we all are.
You ring a bell, we drool like dogs.
Just don't drool where we sit. It'll be messy.
Hey, you guys hear the bells?
No, we were just on one of our spontaneous 3:00-in-the-morning strolls,
saw everybody in here, and wondered, "hey, what's up?"
- Really? - No.
He's cranky at 3:00 in the morning.
Any idea what this is about?
Taylor's not even here yet.
Kirk's up there, futzing with something, but he won't tell us what's going on.
We're just about ready here, folks.
Ready for what? What is this?
Here we go.
Greetings, everyone.
Taylor?
He's in a little box.
The nightmare continues.
Is it looking okay, Kirk?
Yeah, you could use a little pancake.
Weird. I can still smell his cologne.
People, we have a tremendous problem that needs our immediate attention.
That's why I chose the extraordinary step of broadcasting to you
tonight from this remote location.
- Ow! - What was that?
Looked like a ping-pong ball.
Now, as we all know, the annual Stars Hollow Winter Carnival is this weekend.
Ow!
Timmy, do not throw ping-pong balls at me.
You're a doo-doo head.
And do not call me a doo-doo head. I'm in the middle of something important.
Where the hell are you, Taylor?
I'm at my sister's in Maine.
Anyway, we have never not had a Stars Hollow Winter Carnival.
It's a 125-year tradition.
Is he getting to the point soon?
Yeah, come on, doo-doo head.
Fine, let's cut to the chase.
I run the winter carnival, it's this weekend,
and I am snowed in, unable to get back into town.
So, what's this about, Taylor?
Maybe it's the lateness of the hour or the computer connection isn't clear.
Doo-doo head!
We have never had to cancel a carnival,
and it's absolutely impossible for me to get back into town to run it.
I must be tired. I'm not getting this.
It's like a riddle or something.
People, are you not hearing me?
I won't be there to run the carnival.
Draw the obvious conclusion.
Oh, okay, I got it now.
Thank you, Patty.
Kirk, could you take it over?
Sure.
Great. Anything else, Taylor?
Oh, well, good for you, people. I guess we don't have to cancel it after all.
Thanks, Taylor. Come on, let's get you to bed.
I'm gonna fall back to sleep and dream about
running Taylor over in that car I was looking at.
Is there enough room to put his body in the trunk?
Now, then, I would recommend that we immediately start discussing some details.
The sooner, the better is always best. Now, then, food.
We'll obviously have the carnival staples--
french dip sandwiches, corn on the cob, apple cider, et cetera.
Now, we almost ran out of hot chocolate last year,
so I would recommend upping the supply by 11%.
Timmy!
Put down that Rubik's cube.
Timmy, do not throw that Rubik's cube at me.
Here...
Here.
This was tea.
Now you got a hybrid. That's very in right now.
I've gotten so much done this morning, it's scary.
- Coffee? - I already got some.
I saw the sunrise. I paid all my bills. I already got some, hon.
And this is a first-- I saw the beginning of Katie Couric.
I don't think I've seen the first five minutes of her in my life.
You know, she and Matt Lauer are much more serious
in the first half-hour than they are later on.
I guess that makes sense.
You can afford to make people sad and angry about war
and the economy and stuff when they first wake up.
But then, just as they're heading to the office,
you leave them with a dose of Matthew McConaughey,
people's sexiest man, and they're rarin' to go.
Yeah, Matthew McConaughey always gets me rarin'.
And I'm even volunteering to man a booth at the carnival this year.
I got a great concept, too.
What about you? You got anything special planned today?
Today? No, not today.
It's a bunch of the same old, same old errands. The usual.
Not liking my "hybrid."
Coming.
I'll call you later.
See what you did here?
Sorry.
No, wait, I want the one I had already. Oh, well, okay.
Oh, terrific.
Bring 'em on in, Algernon. The more, the merrier.
It's Logan's doing. What can I do?
Tell him to stop.
We're not speaking, remember?
Well, they're putting our lives in jeopardy.
Oh, stop it.
They scream bling, draw eyes to the apartment.
Bad guys see roses, then they come for our diamonds.
We don't have diamonds.
The doo-wop group doesn't know that.
Yeah, by the window is good, next to the neon sign that says "come pistol-whip us."
Fine, I'll hide them.
You know, I see Logan at the paper a few times a week.
I can lean on him, make him stop.
He's going to get the message eventually.
Well, he better get it quick.
Between the paper and classes, I'm only home a few hours a day.
I'd rather not spend them in mortal fear.
Paris.
Yeah?
U.P.S.-- Got a package for Rory Gilmore.
From?
Harry and David.
Great. Fancy fruit.
I'm sorry.
Step back from the door and keep your hands where I can see them.
Surprise.
Was this not a planned thing?
Why?
You said, "surprise."
No, it was just-- how you doing?
Good.
This is how the avian flu spreads, by the way.
Oh, sorry!
I was just saying.
No, I heard that, too. Heard a guy on CNN say it.
Right. They fired my favorite-- Aaron Brown. He was comforting.
Yes, he was.
- Mind if I sit? - No, go ahead.
So... do you like to hang out here?
The park? No.
Then why are we meeting here?
I thought kids liked parks.
It's 41 degrees out. Not exactly peak park-going season.
But there's still stuff to do, right? I mean, we could have a snowball fight or something.
My friend Remi got into a snowball fight with a guy once
and she got a retina detached.
Well, we'll skip that, then.
Uh... sorry. I'll think of something better to do next time, okay?
I don't really know what kids are into.
Hey, whatever.
Oh, and I said "next time." I don't know if you caught that.
I did.
Did your mom explain that this isn't necessarily a one-time thing?
I was thinking maybe we could make it semiregular or even just, you know, regular.
Uh, okay.
Good. So, what's your free time like?
I've got no school this whole week.
It's year-round, so we get weird times off.
Well, then maybe we can do something tomorrow, too, something less cold.
Okay.
So, what kind of things do you like to do?
I like Morse code. I'm learning that.
My mom gave me a putter, so I putt some.
And I like talking to my Indian friend Shamilah in Bangalore over the internet.
I wouldn't be much help with any of that.
We could bowl or go to a movie or maybe there's a zoo around somewhere.
How about I just come and hang out at the diner?
What diner? My diner?
Yeah.
Won't it be boring?
No way. Diners fascinate me--
the hustle, the bustle, the monte cristos.
The diner?
Yeah, that'd be fun.
Can't think of anything else, huh?
I think it'd be great.
Well, okay, sure. The diner.
Tomorrow you will come to the diner.
So, what do you want to do right now?
I've been counting how many times those frisbee guys over there have dropped it.
Oh, okay. Let's keep watching.
The one with the hat's a big, fat butterfingers.
Kirk, you needed carnival-game volunteers and I volunteered.
What's with the hassle?
We do things like ring toss and rope ladder climbing.
Your choice is unorthodox.
That's because I'm not orthodox.
I'm liberal with a touch of reform and a smidgen of zippity-pow.
You're aware that this is the first time I'm running the winter carnival?
I am aware.
I can't afford to have anything go wrong.
Kirk, I promise this booth will be a big hit.
It will not embarrass you, okay? I promise.
Your promise means nothing to me. You break them all the time.
I do not.
1997-- you promised to bring me back a souvenir pen and ink set
from your trip to colonial Williamsburg.
I did?
1999-- you promised to put in a good word for me at Al's Pancake World
when Al had that batter boy opening.
He calls them "batter boys"?
Year 2000-- you promised to teach me to swim.
I still don't know how to swim. What if there's a tsunami?
2001-- you promised to come to my birthday party, and I waited and waited.
Kirk, scout's honor, this booth will make you proud, okay?
Now... Excuse me, hi. Are you Liam Driessen by any chance?
- I am. - Hi, Lorelai Gilmore.
I'm here to make your stay and the rest of the New England maple syrup council's
stay as comfortable as possible.
So far, so good.
Love the local color here.
Kirk, it's really not appropriate to be standing right next to me like this.
- But we work together. - But not here.
- Liam, can I ask you a question? - No, that's inappropriate, too...
Would you pay a dollar to have your fortune told by a dog?
A dog?
It's for a carnival. It's very cute.
A dog that has no experience telling people's fortunes?
I don't know.
Well, you're no help.
Well, just part of our local color. He's purple.
Get it? 'Cause local color and he's a color.
And how about a tour?
Sure.
That's what we got?
It's posed, staged.
Get another and make it candid.
Candid?
Don't question me.
But it's a team photo.
Bill, how's it hangin'?
It's hanging okay.
Good, good.
You like the Washington Post, do you?
Yes.
Because they like to split their infinitives, the Washington Post,
especially their metro writers, but I don't.
"The council member chose to forcefully waive her right of veto."
Consider it unsplit.
Hey.
You check in?
Check in?
The board.
The new system?
This is the best way for me to know where anyone is at any given time.
All the names are on the left.
Each colored magnet represents an activity.
If you're out on assignment, it's a red magnet.
If you're in the John, it's a blue magnet.
If you're at home, a purple magnet.
If you're at your desk, it's a green magnet.
But if they're at their desk, you can just glance over and see that they're at their desk.
But I'd have to glance all around.
This saves extraneous glancing.
Look, it's not really for people like you.
I know you're dedicated.
I trust you, but I can't appear to be playing favorites.
I have a class.
Orange magnet.
Excuse me.
You're Rory Gilmore?
Yes.
Someone pointed you out to me.
This is for you.
What is?
The coffee cart.
For me?
Courtesy of Logan Huntzberger.
Oh, I see.
Well, I don't want any coffee right now.
Thanks anyway, and sorry you wasted your time, Ben.
No problem.
What are you doing?
I'm hired for the day.
What?
Yep, all day.
Any time you want some coffee, biscotti, I will be here.
That's not necessary.
I've already been paid-- a lot!
Fine.
Kiddo, is that the TV?
Yes.
You watching something stupid?
Yes.
- You promise? - Yes.
Okay.
Hello?
Hi, Anna. It's Luke.
Hey there.
So, she came back with all her fingers and toes.
Very successful first outing.
Yeah, it was nice. It was real nice.
She had a good time, too,
and that's impressive 'cause she's picky.
Good. Well, so did I.
So, she's coming by your work tomorrow?
Oh, she told you that, huh?
Well, listen, here's the thing.
I don't know if...
it's gonna work out for her to come to the diner.
Why not?
Well, it's gonna be really hectic, lots of people swooshing around and all.
She'll like that.
She likes people swooshing around her.
Pans of hot grease.
There will be pans of hot grease swooshing around her?
If she's in the kitchen, yeah.
Well, keep her out of the kitchen if there's any grease swooshing.
I mean, that doesn't sound safe for you, either.
I don't even know how much time I can give her.
No problem. She's very low-maintenance.
Just set her up at a table and she'll be fine.
If there's a table, because some of the tables are reserved.
I've got my regulars, you know? They want their tables, so there may not be room.
She's little. You'll find room.
You know, Anna, actually I don't know if tomorrow is gonna be good at all for anything.
I didn't realize how busy I was.
Factor in all the people swooshing and the grease swooshing.
- Luke, no. - No what?
It doesn't work that way.
What do you mean?
Look, I don't know what the problem is here.
What are you talking about?
You say you're available one minute, and the next minute you're not?
- I told you, I was just-- - It's not cool, Luke.
It's not happening this way.
What way? It's just a bad time.
There's no great time to be a parent, Luke, you just are one.
And if you're gonna make plans with my kid and get her hopes up and then cancel,
then our deal is canceled.
Anna, no.
Yes, that's it. That's how it works.
You're either all-in or you're all-out.
We didn't ask for this. You did.
You wanted contact, a relationship, and now--
Okay, okay, I hear you. Have her come to the diner tomorrow.
- You're sure? - I'm sure.
I was just overthinking all of this. I'll see her tomorrow.
Okay, she will be there.
Good. Thanks. It'll be good.
It better be.
Bye, Luke.
Bye.
She's starting to go through trash cans. It's creepy.
That's a privacy violation, for god's sake.
What's she looking for?
Uh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.
Hi, guys.
Hey, Rory.
Did I interrupt something?
No, no, nothing much. Just hangin'.
What's going on?
Nothing. Just enjoying a tipple.
So all the senior staffers from the Yale Daily News are simultaneously enjoying a tipple?
Tell her.
No.
Tell her!
Tell me what?
This is a war council.
About what?
About kaiser Geller and her reign of terror.
The paper is going to crap.
It's unreadable.
She rewrites your stuff, then rewrites her rewrites.
And to add insult to injury, the copy gets worse every time.
She used to be good, right?
Wasn't Paris good at one point?
Before she was editor.
Now she's Augusto Pinochet in a pantsuit.
Yeah, what's up with those pantsuits?
We're seriously considering howell raines-ing her.
You want to force her out?
She's out of control.
And you have the authority?
We're the board.
And the board has the authority.
I'm a senior staffer, too. Why wasn't I asked to be here tonight?
You're in Paris' pocket.
I am not in Paris' pocket.
You're friends.
Best friends, right? That's what Paris is always saying.
And you guys live together. It didn't seem appropriate.
Okay, let me set the record straight.
I'm devoted to the paper, okay?
Personal feelings cannot get in the way of things.
Paris and I are not best friends.
We're friends for the most part,
and I'm not immune to being driven crazy by her, believe me.
Oh, we believe you.
I'm getting crow's-feet.
I'm sorry, but Paris Geller is not going to give me crow's-feet.
So you do acknowledge a problem here?
I just did, A.K.
Where's the trust, dude?
We just want to do this right.
Well, then, let's talk and maybe set the howell raines-ing aside for now.
Let's see if we can fix things before we blow them up.
Fine. Sit.
But allow us our cathartic purging.
Purge away.
Oh, but first would anyone like a refreshing coffee beverage?
I have Ben till 9:00.
I'll have a decaf latte.
Same here.
Can he do mocha latte?
He does a great mocha latte.
I'll have a mocha latte.
Uhh! Sorry.
Taylor?
What are you doing back? I thought you were stranded at your sister's.
Lorelai, please.
Weird time for line dancing.
Fine.
Okay, I'm back. I got lucky last night and caught a plane out of Maine.
Even with the rain in Spain?
Will you be serious for second?
What's with the sweats?
I'm incognito. Don't you see?
With the carnival coming up,
this is my Huckleberry Finn opportunity to observe things invisibly.
You know, I'm not gonna be around forever, Lorelai.
Oh, Taylor, are you sick?
No, just mortal.
And eventually someone-- maybe Kirk--
is going to have to take over the many delicate tasks I perform for this town--
the streetlamp illumination monitoring, the lawn-height measuring.
Now I'm just getting sad.
Please keep my secret.
Mum's the word.
Well, I should go.
Back to 8 mile?
- What? - Nothing.
Ooh, behind you.
Hey, Zach. You helping out?
Got to keep body and soul together.
Well, this is space 18 and that's my booth, so we're a team.
We should get uniforms.
You okay?
Yeah, I'm great. I lost my girlfriend, my band's broken up,
my best friend won't speak to me, and I'm reduced to working as a $5-an-hour carny.
Bob Dylan should write a song about me.
I'm sorry about you and Lane.
Yeah, well...
But you'll get through this rough patch and life will move on.
Trust me. It's human nature to move on.
What?
- What what? - Are you saying Lane's moved on?
Have you seen her with someone else?
No, I'm just saying people have the ability to move on.
Oh, my god, god, god.
I got to go take a break.
Okay. Hope I cheered you up some.
Kirk? Kirk.
Yes, Lorelai?
Why are you putting the exact same booth right next to my booth?
Well, frankly, I have my doubts about your dog's ability to predict the future.
You have your doubts?
Yeah, and in order to satisfy our guests,
I'm hedging our bets by putting the real thing next door
so that no one walks away bamboozled.
Kirk, there is no real thing. It's all fake.
Those tarot cards are not real. My dog cannot predict the future.
So you admit it?
I was never hiding it.
That's fraud.
It's a doggy swami.
My girlfriend says tarot cards are real.
Well, I like your girlfriend, but the cards are no more real than my dog.
I got to take this, but I would like it if you would move the--
Kirk? Kirk?!
No, it's me.
No, I know it's you. I just was getting frustrated with Kirk.
What else is new?
So, um... I was wondering what your time was like today.
My time?
Because there's something I need to run past you.
Oh, I have a minute now.
I'd like to discuss it in person.
Oh, could it wait till tonight? 'Cause I have the syrup council in town
and they've got a conference and a meal
and Josh is out sick and Jamie's out sick and I just barely got away to come here
and get in an argument with Kirk about what's more legitimate--
tarot cards or a fortune-telling dog.
So you're not coming by the diner?
Not today, but I'm totally yours tonight. Is that okay?
Uh, sure. So you definitely won't be coming by the diner today?
Not today, sorry.
No, it's okay. Just if you were coming by, I wanted to know.
And now I know you're not.
Right.
Okay, so give Kirk hell and I guess I'll see you tonight.
Okay, see you tonight.
Hey, Zach, did you see where Kirk went?
Thataway.
Wonderful. Well, keep warm and tell Lane I'll see her later.
All right. Bye now.
April, get in here.
Bye, now.
What are you doing talking to him?
He asked about my bike.
You don't talk to him. You don't know him. He could be a strangler.
He seemed to know you.
Of course. That's Jake. I've known him 15 years.
You've known a strangler for 15 years?
He's not a strangler.
Then why can't I talk to him?
Because you didn't know that. Don't trust anyone, okay?
Anyone.
Okay, then I should go lock my bike.
No, you don't have to lock it.
You just said I can't trust anyone.
You don't have to lock your bike. This is a safe town.
Well, I'm confused.
So, here it is.
I know. We met here.
Right, right. So, what do you want to do-- sit and color?
Color?
Wow.
I haven't colored in six or seven years,
but that takes me back.
Coloring. Wow.
Okay, so you don't color.
Did you bring a book?
I don't really feel like reading.
Well, I don't really have any toys or anything.
Your salt and pepper shakers look a little low.
Yes, they are. People salt stuff too much.
Can I refill them?
You want to refill the salt shakers?
And the pepper. And possibly the sugar.
We'll see how the salt and pepper goes.
Oh, well, okay. Refill the salt and pepper?
Whatever. I'll get the boxes.
- Great. - Great.
Coloring.
Well, it may surprise some of you, but that's a syrup derived from a black maple.
Yes, it's sweeter than the first two, but it's a natural sweetness with a hint of orange.
Very unusual and very good.
Let's move on to number four, shall we?
And number four is another little surprise.
Ugh, gives my skin that weird, tingly feel like something's bubbling underneath it.
It makes the root of my tongue feel like it's retracting back into my throat.
What don't they pour it on something-- a waffle, a pancake?
So, let's go ahead and taste number four, shall we?
Then we'll talk.
Ew!
Ew, drinking straight syrup!
You don't have to watch this.
It's hard not to.
A bit of a tobacco taste to it
and a bit of marshmallow.
Oh, good, now I can't smoke a cigar or eat a marshmallow again.
How does one discover a talent for this?
Remember, for anyone who wants one,
we have spit buckets.
That's it.
See ya.
Hi.
Hello.
I was gonna call you, but then I figured you wouldn't take the call.
Yeah, you figured right.
I just need a minute.
I can't fathom what a minute of my time is gonna do for you.
Just a minute, please, then I am gone.
Okay.
Look, I know I'm not your favorite person in the world.
No, you're definitely low on the list,
right above the guy who thought up smallpox blankets.
Well, in my defense, I think I'm a notch higher than that.
You're not exactly in a position to comment on that, are you?
No.
No. In fact, let's take inventory of all the delightful things
that have happened since you waltzed into my daughter's life.
She was arrested, convicted. She's on probation.
She'll have a criminal record unless we can get it expunged.
She dropped out of school, moved out of my house.
She didn't speak to me for 5 months, 3 weeks, and 16 days.
No, wait a minute. Come to think of it, you are my favorite person.
Okay, I can defend myself on one or two of those points as well.
No, you can't. Why are you here?
I miss her, okay? I made a mistake and I'm trying to rectify it.
But nothing is working. She won't talk to me.
Can you blame her?
No, I'm doing everything I can-- flowers, gifts.
All your old standbys, huh?
Books, coffee cart. I'm trying to show her how I feel.
And it sounds like she's trying to show you how she feels.
Look, I figured this was a suicide mission, okay?
It's probably something you and Rory will laugh about for years to come.
But I'm not giving up until I exhaust all my options,
and asking for your help is one of them.
Really?
Yes.
You're seriously here to ask for my help with Rory?
This is not a joke?
I'm going for broke here.
Well...
you got moxie, my friend, I'll give you that.
I think I get it from my dad.
I hate your dad.
Me too.
See? We have things in common, you and me.
Maybe this isn't so crazy.
Oh, hi.
Hello there.
What are you doing?
- Chores. - Yeah, I see.
- Are you a strangler? - No.
Just checking.
Rice-- that's the key. Prevents clumping.
Oh, yeah. I hate clumpy salt.
That's universal.
So, who do you belong to-- Caesar?
Who?
You're not Caesar's?
Not according to the lab results.
How'd you land the gig?
My father owns the place. The diner, at least. Not sure about the land.
Your father?
My biological father.
Not really sure what to call him. It's kind of new.
Not the biological part. That was years ago.
I wonder if brown rice would work, too.
Brown might be more decorative or it might backfire.
People might think there are bugs in the salt.
I should put some brown rice in one of the shakers
and use it as a control group against the other ones.
I thought you couldn't get away.
I got away.
She said she wasn't a strangler.
Uh, you want to go outside?
April, I'll be right back, okay?
Okay.
- So she's-- - Yeah.
- Wow. - I know.
- That's... - My daughter.
I don't believe it.
I still have trouble believing it.
- You have a-- - Yeah.
Right.
- What is she-- 12? - Yeah, 12.
12 years. 12 years.
This is for sure?
It's for sure.
When did you find out?
- I just found out. - Just?
When just? She's in there filling salt shakers. It doesn't feel that new to me.
Two months ago.
Two months?!
That's a hell of a long time to go without telling me.
I know. I should've told you.
She's cute.
Lorelai, I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry.
It's all just a blur of stuff happening.
She just came into the diner two months ago, no warning,
talking about a science fair and how I may be her father.
She pulled my hair out and DNA-tested it.
Then I wanted to forget the whole thing,
but I went to the fair and found out the truth.
We were at the park, and she wanted to come here.
I called you today, wanting a moment to talk about it, but you were busy, and...
so I put it off again. And here we are.
Here we are.
It's stupid. I'm stupid.
Look, I need to digest this and you have to get back inside,
so I'm just gonna go someplace where I can digest this
and we'll just talk more later, okay?
Sure. Whenever you want.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
"What's up with the caps," she asked, knowing it's probably not good.
It's Paris. She's having trouble remembering everyone's names.
Or as she puts it, she has more important things to do with her brain.
Oh, jeez.
Plus some of us have confused the issue by having the same first name--
the three Johns, the two Marthas-- so she's issued numbers.
Oh, jeez.
Martinet at 3:00.
Nice job on bienecki map theft article, number 17.
Thanks, Paris.
23 and 80, I need your stuff by 5:00.
Ah, Rory-- new system.
Here's your number.
Paris, you know me. I don't need a number and I'm the only Rory.
But you don't want me to play favorites, do you? We talked about this.
So we all have numbers?
Including me. I'm number one. Don't need a cap for that.
If they can't remember the number one, they shouldn't be here.
Hey, can we talk in a little more private place?
Sure.
If you're looking for 1 and 2, we'll be in the hallway.
Paris, the atmosphere here, it's getting a little toxic.
What?
Everyone here is very stressed. The greaseboard, the hats.
I haven't heard any complaints.
That's because people are afraid to approach you.
You rewrite everything they do. You don't delegate.
That's not true.
Look, the staff and I had a little talk yesterday. It was very impromptu.
I won't get into the hairy details, but it would really help
if you could relieve some of the pressure here.
They think it's that bad?
You've taken away the magnets that indicate people are in the bathroom,
so now they're afraid to go.
Well, they were going too much.
People are getting very nervous here.
Yeah, I see.
I'll go talk to them.
Thanks for bringing it to my attention.
You're welcome.
Where's 73 and 32?
People, Rory Gilmore has just informed me of the meeting
held behind my back concerning my stewardship of the paper.
Oh, Paris.
Am I tough?
You're damn right I'm tough.
You think it's going to be any easier entering the work force
with every newspaper in the country cutting back on staff?
Also, any chance that you'd attempt the same sort of flaccid coup if I were a man?
I think not.
You're trying to howell raines me?
Well, forget it.
Suck it up and get to work! Otherwise there's the door.
I come bearing gifts.
I have to unlock the door.
You can't say no to these. I know you. It's biologically impossible.
Oh, yeah?
No.
That seems very cumbersome.
You get used to it.
You get the coffee cart?
You really think we're gonna chitchat?
I just wanted to know.
Yeah, I got it.
And the flowers and the books and the candles and the fruit.
What's next on the list-- a marching band?
A parrot who says "I'm sorry"?
- You have to go. - Wait.
What's that-- a subpoena?
It's a note from your mother.
You're kidding.
Check out the handwriting, Dragonfly stationery.
Can we get out of the hallway?
I went to see her at her inn. We talked a little. It was a tad humiliating.
She told me to wait and she came back with this. She said to give it to you.
What's it say?
I was instructed not to read it.
She even signed the seal on the envelope to make sure.
You have no idea what this says?
None.
What's it say?
Shh.
What's it say?
Shh!
What does it say?
Shh!
Come on, ace, you're laughing. Is that good or bad?
Yep.
Just give me some indication whether it's good or bad. Something, anything.
Okay, fine. Just tell me. Is there anything in there about giving me a second chance?
I'd have to reread it.
Please don't do that, ace, come on.
Come out with me. Let me make it up to you.
Maybe dinner.
When?
I'll have to check my schedule.
Check it.
I can't do it right now.
So?
- I'll call you. - Good enough.
Good enough. Promise you'll call?
Leave the doughnuts.
Margaret, I'm home.
Kitchen.
And I come bearing gifts.
Laundry galore.
Oh, and I've got some candles and some fancy fruit, too.
I don't know who Harry and David are, but they sure do know how to grow a pear.
So, your letter-- oh, my god. It was brilliant.
It has got to be anthologized. I'm telling you.
And he definitely did not read it because he looked flummoxed-- flummoxed!--
The whole time I was reading it, and I didn't tell him a thing about it.
That's what he gets.
So, come on. I want to hear all about his visit with you.
Mom?
Luke has a daughter.
And we'll talk about the letter later. What?
He has a 12-year-old daughter. I met her today.
I didn't formally meet her, but I saw her and I talked to her.
What?
He has a daughter with some woman. We didn't get to that-- the big who--
but he's known for two months.
Two months?
- A daughter. - A daughter.
What does this say about our relationship?
What do you mean?
He waited two months to tell me.
Did he say why he waited?
Yes, he said he was confused, and I get that.
I mean, I'm confused, but what does it mean that he kept a secret like this?
What does it say about him? What does it say about me?
Doesn't he trust me? Why doesn't he trust me?
He trusts you, mom. He's a guy.
Sometimes guys are really dumb.
- She's cute. - She is?
Yeah, she seems smart like you. What is it with the next generation?
You're all smarter than the rest of us.
Not necessarily.
- I'm freaking out. - I don't blame you.
What else is he hiding? I mean, how can you really know that you know somebody?
I don't think you can.
Every relationship is just a big, honkin' leap of faith.
Yeah, I guess.
You didn't ask about the mother?
I just ran off. I couldn't wrap my mind around it.
Well, Luke must be freaked out double what you're freaked out, you know--
Mr. Responsibility? He must've put his baseball cap on backwards.
Yeah.
I'm sure he panicked.
I'm sure his not telling you says nothing about your relationship.
Maybe this is a cheesy perspective to offer you,
but Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale went through the same sort of situation.
He found out he had a kid that he didn't know about,
but they made it work... as far as I know.
Meaning?
If they can, you can.
Really?
They're people. You're people.
I mean, you don't sing and neither does Luke.
But really, neither do Gwen or Gavin, but they're still together... I think.
I haven't read anything to the contrary.
I guess.
You and Luke just need to talk some more.
Yeah. Maybe I'll tell Luke about Gwen and Gavin.
I mean, if there's any people whose lives Luke would relate to, it's Gwen and Gavin.
They only cost 50 cents?
Yeah, how lame would it be to go to the trouble of counterfeiting?
No mind games.
They're legit.
Another crime thwarted.
Good job, Columbo.
Guten tag, there. I would like-- what you call them?-- A hot dog.
Coming up.
Ja.
Oh, und we are having cold weather this year, nein?
- It's a smashing concept. - And Kirk was doubtful.
- We've already raked in $18. - And the night is young.
Come on, doggy swami, break's over.
He is liking his hat.
Well, it's very flattering.
You know, I can man this myself if you don't feel like being here.
No, it's good for me.
Nothing is a better distraction than a dog in a turban, telling fortunes.
It's a cliché for a reason.
Come see the amazing doggy swami.
- Discover your future... - If you dare.
- It's silly. - And fun.
And real. Very, very real.
Congratulations. Nice job. Want to play? It's only a dollar.
Sure.
Winner! We have a winner!
Really? That's it?
That's it. Here's your prize.
"Hell is waiting for you, sinner."
Enjoy.
Please, step up and play "toss the sybarite into the hellfires."
Everybody's a winner!
I'm gonna go take a little walk, check out the competition.
Just don't let my mother see you play anything too decadent.
I'll be back in a bit.
Ahh! Oui! Look at those games.
It is so marvelous that I am here to see it.
What a great country.
J'adore.
Taylor finally flipped his lid.
Yeah, poor Morey couldn't make it.
I made him drink 30 bottles of coke last night for the game here,
so he's still throwing up.
And then I ended up not using 'em. Shame, huh?
But I'll tell him you said "hi."
Hey, want to throw some balls?
Just don't laugh too hard at me.
Never, never. Come on up here.
- Give me some balls. - Fresh balls coming up.
Yeah!
Watch it, honey-- it could bounce off the back
and hit the girls manning the dime toss.
There you go. You're getting the hang of it.
Yeah, cute little throw.
- Excuse me? - Pretty boy says what?
What?
Jeez, Zach, what's with being all goose gossage?
Zach, those aren't your bottles!
Yeah!
Yeah! Welcome to the S.H., Bitch!
What's your problem?
I don't got a problem, friend.
My problem is I got no more bottles to knock down.
Who do I give the prize to?
Give it to Asian George Clooney over here.
I'm outtie.
So, I-I-I got Smurfs and dirty pasta.
What'd you just put in there?
Nothing, lady.
You stuck something in the cider.
I did not.
Although if I did, it would be a thermometer and it might indicate
that you are on the border of underheating your cider.
Get away from me.
Gladly!
Now. Right now.
- Winner! - But I missed.
Everybody's a winner.
Mrs. Kim, I need a word with you.
I'm busy.
You couldn't wait to put her on the market again, could you?
What are you talking about?
Who else? Lane! We only broke up a few weeks ago.
What-- you got her engaged already?
- Engaged to who? - To who?
The Korean Brad Pitt guy there with the Italian loafers and super white teeth--
he's hanging all over her.
- You mean her uncle? - What?
Joe-- he's her uncle.
That can't be her uncle. Uncles are old.
My mother had me, waited long time, then had him.
Joe is my brother.
Whoa, okay. Oops.
Yes, "oops."
But just to be clear here, she's not hot on her uncle?
She's not. Got it. Well, sorry.
Wait!
You accuse me of something?
We settle this now.
All right.
I am not going to get in your way.
Okay.
- Ready? - Ready.
Spin the wheel.
The swami has chosen!
- Ready? - This is exciting.
"You will sing songs of gemstones."
Of gemstones!
How do you sing songs of gemstones?
I was a little tired when I wrote this one. Sorry. You want to pick another one?
Swami do-overs are allowed.
No, I'll stick with this one. It's got an air of mystery.
Hey, Luke, want swami doggy to read your fortune?
Maybe some other time.
- Hey. - Hey.
Can we walk a little bit?
Yeah.
I've got to apologize again. I should've told you immediately.
I was just so confused. It's no excuse, but that's the excuse.
I know. I get it.
Nothing can prepare you for this one.
I just didn't know how to tell you. I'm bad with things.
No, Luke.
Listen, it's weird, you know, but we can make it work.
I mean, she's there. April is there.
Luckily you're with a woman who's raised a daughter
and knows some of the ins and outs.
- I can help. - I know you can.
I guess it's just-- it's just all so much right now.
I've been dizzy for weeks.
Yeah, I know.
It felt like something was up.
All too much, you know?
What all-- everything?
Well, I've got a kid. She's here-- you know, June 3rd.
What about June 3rd?
It's just so soon.
It's still months away.
Well, it feels close. It's everything, you know?
It's all piling up. It's all happening so fast.
Well, if it's all happening too fast, we can just postpone.
Postpone the wedding?
Yeah, I mean, it's not set in stone.
It just happened to work out for a date that soon.
I don't want you going into this all jumbled up, you know?
And that would be okay with you?
Sure.
Well, that'll help. Yeah, that'll really help.
That'll give me time to resolve this other thing.
Everything will be better later on.
Well... great. Then it's a done deal.
Think it might be a health-code violation, kissing this close to the cotton candy booth.
Meet me back at my place later?
Yeah, see you there.