EMILY: Hello? Gilmore residence.
Hey, Mom, it's me.
I just wanted to leave you a message letting you know
that unfortunately I will not be able to come by tonight
to take a look at your new curtains.
Lorelai, it's me.
LORELAI.: So, sorry I missed you, but I'm sure...
You didn't miss me. For heaven's sakes, I'm right here.
- Hello? - EMILY: Hello? Lorelai?
- Hello? - Hello?
That's weird.
I don't know if your machine just cut me off.
Is something wrong with this phone?
Anyway, something came up,
and just have to take a rain check on the curtain check.
- I'm sure they're beautiful. - Rain check? Lorelai, I'm right here.
-No one knows how to pick out curtains -I'm on the phone, Lorelai.
Like you. You're the curtain queen.
Hello? Lorelai, can you hear me?
Anyway, have a good night, curtain queen. Give my best to Dad. Bye.
Lorelai? Hello? Hello?
See, I told you it would work.
Wow. How did you even think to...
Well, it's natural instincts honed by years of experience.
Wow.
Yeah. Fight or flight, you know. Fight or flight, and I just did my nails, so...
- Flight. - Flight.
Wow.
(PHONE RINGING)
(SINGING)
(MAN SPEAKING FRENCH ON TAPE RECORDER)
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Where is the nearest subway station?
Yeah.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Where can I buy a ticket?
The hunter and gatherer has returned.
Hey, listen to how good I've gotten.
(MAN SPEAKING FRENCH ON TAPE RECORDER)
Could I have a map of the subway, please?
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Could I have a map of the subway, please?
- Impressive. - Right? I'm practically fluent.
Thank you for the coffee and croissant.
(CHRISTOPHER SPEAKING FRENCH)
You're welcome.
(CHUCKLING) Duh!
I thought our stomachs should start adjusting to French cuisine,
so I got us croissants and café au lait.
I thought café au lait was Spanish.
No, it's French for coffee and milk. Lait is milk.
Really. I thought it was café olé. Like, "Coffee! All right!"
You're kidding. You're not kidding. You are, you're kidding.
- I can't tell whether you're kidding. - I'm a woman of mystery.
You know, you might want to try repeating those words in French.
We leave for Paris in two weeks.
Yes, but I don't have to actually speak French.
I just have to sound French.
That way, if the Parisians find me just another uncouth American,
I can tell them my sad story. I was born in Marseilles,
and my parents were killed in a très tragique accident.
And so, I was sent to the States
and adopted by the evil Gilmores,
who refused to let me speak French.
But I never forgot the accent of my mother country.
- That's a complicated back story. - I've led a complicated life.
- Somebody gets a lot of mail. - Yeah, well, I'm a popular gal.
Also, my system is I only open my mail once a month.
Your system is to open your mail once a month?
Twelve times a year, you know,
because if you open your mail more than that,
you get a lot of mattress fliers and bills, and another bill.
This way, I open it once a month,
and I get letters from people who still write letters
and shampoo samples and fun stuff. It's fun.
Hey, what's this?
Something from Yale?
About the parents' weekend. We should go.
- No. - Why not?
I'm sure it already happened.
No, it's happening this weekend. Come on, it could be fun.
I got to wash my hair.
- Why don't you want to go? - Because my hair.
It looks great when it's dirty. The oil gives it a kind of sheen, a gloss.
Parents' weekend is for lame-o parents whose kids hate them,
so they need a school-sanctioned event so they can all spend time together.
A professor of geology is giving a tour of the Peabody Museum.
My kid likes me. I can go to Yale any time I want.
Fifty-one weekends of the year is my parents' weekend.
The Gemstones of Yale. How cool does that sound?
On a scale of one to two?
Listen, parents' weekend is not an accurate portrait of the school, anyway.
They make special food. They gussy the place up.
They plant kids under trees reading Tolstoy,
so it all looks very collegiate and idyllic.
There's a brunch at Branford with the Provost.
You know, I've always loved the word "Provost."
Although, I have no idea who or what a Provost is.
- It just sounds so... - Idyllic and collegiate?
Yes, or like something from a deli counter. "Extra Provost on that, please."
Do you really want to go?
It's parents' weekend, we're Rory's parents,
and we're together and why not?
Come on, I'll help you shampoo your hair the night before.
All right.
But I have to work on Sunday, so we'll have to go Saturday.
And you'll have to give me a nice head massage
- when you wash my hair. - With shampoo samples.
- And blow it out. - Done.
- And braid it. - I'll French braid it.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
- Ooh, Ia Ia! Hello? - Mom?
LORELAI: Bonjour, Rory.
Well, if it isn't the orphan from Marseilles.
C'est moi. What are you doing?
- Heading to class. - Class?
Yes, class, where they teach you all the college learning.
You're a senior. I thought no seniors went to class before noon.
Nerd alert! Nerd alert!
Says the woman saying, "Nerd alert!"
Hey, guess who's coming to parents ' weekend.
Bunch of lame parents whose kids hate them.
Yes, and your parents.
- No way. - I got to keep you on your toes.
When you think I'll zig, I'll zag.
Then when you think I'm gonna zag, I do zag,
just to mess you up for the next time, when I might zig.
- Dad's making you zag? - He's dying to meet the Provost.
RORY.: Well, who isn't?
It's your mom who's all about the Provost.
I just wanted to see you and, you know, check it out,
and I wouldn't mind seeing the gemstones of Yale.
- RORY: The huh? - Gemstones. The Yale gemstones.
Oh, right.
CHRISTOPHER.: So, is it cool if we come? It's only for Saturday.
Yeah, it'd be great. I mean, Saturday's gonna be pretty busy for me
'cause we have to put out a parents' weekend edition of the paper,
but I could definitely do lunch.
- She can do lunch. - All right, then we'll do lunch.
I'll have extra Provost with mine.
Hey, after lunch, can we walk Hunky Dan?
- You mean Handsome Dan? - No, that's his official mascot name.
Hunky Dan is what I call him when we're alone.
Mom, I gotta go.
You know who'd make a great mascot? Paul Anka.
Mom.
I'm not sure he's the Ivy League type, though.
He might need more of a hack y-sacking, poetry-reading, tie-dyeing kind of place...
- Mom? - Like Reed or Oberlin,
where the air is sweet with the scent of patchouli.
Mom, I'm not missing the beginning of this lecture.
Nerd alert! Nerd alert! Nerd alert!
- What kind of sandwich is that, Luke? - Ham and cheese.
- Is it stinky cheese? - Cheddar.
Because you really don't want to pack April a lunch with stinky cheese.
By lunchtime, the whole bag will smell,
and people won't believe her when she says it's just the cheese.
They'll think it's her. They'll think she's stinky.
Eat your breakfast, Kirk.
- Muffin? - Yes, muffin?
No, I'm offering.
- Is it bran? - It's banana.
It could be banana-bran.
- It's just banana. - Okay.
- Butter? - Not too much.
One and a half pats.
- Two pats is too much. - One and a half.
April, your ride's here.
APRIL.: I'm coming!
- Got everything? - Yeah.
- Protractor? - I got it.
- Biology homework? - Yep.
Extra sweater?
I still got the green cardigan in my locker.
- Good, good. - Bye, Dad.
- Wait, what about your swimsuit? - I got it.
All right. You sure you don't need a ride to swim practice?
Megan's mom is taking me. I told you.
(HONKING)
She's coming!
All right, so, look, I'll pick you up at 5:00 and I'll be there right after work.
- Okay. - Okay.
All right, already! She's standing right here.
- Go. - All right. Bye.
I should go, too.
- Have a good day, baby. - You, too.
- Bye, Luke. - Bye, Lulu.
(SIGHS)
Could someone crack a window? Because I am suffocating.
- What? - Tell me you didn't see that.
- See what, Kirk? - Lulu! She's smothering me!
Smothering you?
Everywhere I go, there she is.
I'm sitting at the movies. Who's sitting next to me? Lulu.
I go out to dinner. Who's sitting across from me? Lulu.
I'm hanging out on the couch, watching TV.
Who's right there next to me?
- Your mother. - And Lulu.
And at least Mother respects my personal space.
Sometimes, when you're watching Antiques Roadshow,
you just don't want somebody tickling your arm.
Bye, again.
You're pitiful.
I'm just telling you how it is.
You don't tell me how it is. I tell you how it is.
- No, you don't. - Yes, I do.
SOOKIE: You think you do, but you don't. That's what I'm trying to tell you.
You're telling me that you tell me how it is?
- That's what I'm telling you. - We'll just see about that.
- Lorelai? - Busy.
- We have a question. - Busy, busy bee.
Sookie's under the mistaken impression
that she will be in charge of the front desk while you are in Paris.
I informed her that that job falls to me. Could you please clear this up for her?
Did I not mention how busy I am? Busy, like a bee.
(BUZZING)
Lorelai!
(SIGHS) Michel, while I am away, you're in charge of the front desk.
Ha!
However, Sookie is a co-owner of the inn, so she is "in charge" in charge.
Ha! Ha!
That is preposterous.
She does not know the first thing about running the front desk.
All I have to know is how to tell your sorry behind
to stand at the front desk and be courteous,
and to check those nice people in and out.
(IMITATES WHIP CRACK)
- Sorry. - Absurd.
That's right. Back to your station!
(IMITATES WHIP CRACK)
- Really, was that really necessary? - What?
To provoke him like that. You know how sensitive he is.
Well, I'm sorry. He's been driving me crazy.
He keeps referring to himself as my supervisor
and insisting that I call him "Captain."
Well, now I have to deal all day with sulky, pouty Michel.
He's a big baby. He should come to work wearing a diaper and carrying a rattle.
Maybe while I'm gone you can get him to do that.
(IMITATES WHIP CRACK)
(KNOCKING)
- Hello? - Oh, hi.
- Are you Sookie St. James? - That's me.
I'm Harvey Tunnell. I just took over the Tillman farm.
Oh, yeah. Congratulations. Beautiful property.
Thank you. I still can't quite believe it's all mine.
Anyhow, this is my first crop,
and I'm just offering free samples to all the local restaurants.
Got some eggplant, some zucchinis, some tomatoes here.
Oh, thank you, but I already have a vegetable supplier.
Well, you know, technically, tomatoes are a fruit.
Fair point.
Well, I have a vegetable and fruit supplier.
- How about legumes? - And legumes.
That's okay. Why don't you go ahead and take this batch anyway?
- Oh, no, no, no, really. - On the house, on the house.
And if you like it and feel like passing my name along to someone,
I'd greatly appreciate it.
- Okay. I will do that. - Thank you.
- It was nice meeting you, Sookie. - Nice to meet you, too.
(EXCLAIMS)
Come on! Everybody should be in the locker room!
Alison, Hayley, no running.
My towel's all wet.
That's what happens when you throw it in the pool, Laura.
It's a terrific lesson in cause and effect. Now, squeeze it out and go get changed.
Thank you.
- Hi, there. - Hi, I'm Luke Danes.
April's dad. She talks a lot about you.
Yeah, you must be Coach Bennett.
- Susan. Nice to meet you. - Yeah. You, too.
April's in the locker room. She should be right out.
- Okay. - She's doing really great.
Definitely one of our most enthusiastic swimmers.
Yeah, she really seems to love it.
Good natural technique, too. Does she get that from you?
Oh, no, not me. No, I don't really know how to swim.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
I mean, I could doggy-paddle to shore in a pinch,
but I never really learned formally, you know.
Luke, that's not good.
- I'm pretty good on land, though. - You need to be certified.
You take April to pools, lakes, the ocean.
I never really thought about that.
No worries. I teach an adult swim class Saturday mornings for an hour an a half.
It's an eight-week course and, in fact, I started a new round of classes last week,
so if you came this Saturday, you'll really not have missed much at all.
Oh, I don't know. It's...
Luke, this is not something I would wait on.
Well, I... Yeah, okay. I guess I could do that.
Great.
- Oh. Hey, Dad. - Hey.
- Oh, this is Coach Bennett. - Yeah, we were just meeting.
Well, did she tell you I'm gonna swim the 100-meter butterfly
and the 4x100-meter freestyle at our meet next week?
No, but that's great.
I mean, I'm not anchor or anything, but I'm still pretty fast.
And getting faster all the time.
And, hey, your dad's gonna take a swim class with me.
(LAUGHS)
Really? You are?
- Well, yeah. - Do you even own a bathing suit?
Yeah, I do. I mean, it's not a Speedo or anything.
(ALL THREE LAUGHING)
That is the funniest thing I have ever...
Can we call Mom and tell her from the car?
Yeah.
LORELAI: Grass is just not this green. Not outside of Pleasantville, it isn't.
So, what exactly are you saying?
I'm suggesting they brought in sod.
- You suspect sod. - Yes, yes, or spray paint.
Maybe they spray-painted the grass when they spray-painted these trees.
Because, I mean, there's autumnal foliage and then there's autumnal foliage.
It's over the top, people.
You're onto them. Hey, you think Yale piped in this crisp fall smell?
Yeah, because Yale is crafty, Yale is smart. Yale is Yale, after all.
Have fun, you two! Go, Bulldogs!
- Hello. - GIRL: Hi.
Let me ask you something.
Do you really go here or are you an actress hired by Yale?
What? I go here. I go here.
- You're good. I almost believe you. - I'm sorry?
Hi. We're Rory Gilmore's parents.
Well, Rory Gilmore's parents, welcome to parents' weekend.
- GIRL: Here's a parents' packet. - Fabulous.
Inside, you should find a map of the campus. You are here.
So we are.
A schedule of the weekend's events and a name tag.
Thanks. Great. Go, Bulldogs.
I was just gonna say that. Have fun, you two.
- Okay. - Thank you.
- Hey, let's be Laverne and Shirley. - What? No.
Antony and Cleopatra? F. Scott and Zelda? Zinf and Dell?
I think I'll stick with my own name.
Señor Boring Pants? Mr. Stick-in-the-mud?
A cappella. A cappella.
There's a terrifying number of a cappella jams this weekend.
What exactly is an a cappella jam?
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
I don't know, but it sure sounds painful.
- Hey. We're here. - Hey.
See if you can get that editorial to fit on one page.
So, you're here.
With bells on, and nothing else,
except leg warmers, roller skates, and Groucho Marx glasses.
- How classy. - Hi, Rory!
Well, we're your parents. We're supposed to embarrass you.
Are you at the paper?
Yes, I am indeed. Where are you guys?
We are near a big brick building and a big tree.
- Are you near there? - Possibly.
We have a lot of brick buildings and old trees here at Yale.
Tell her we're by the L-shaped building
that from the top looks like a Polaroid camera.
Believe it or not, I don't know what
all of Yale's buildings look like from the sky.
How ignorant of you, honey.
Rory says she doesn't give two figs about Yale architecture.
Not two figs?
One and a half figs is all I'll give.
So, how are things at the paper?
Busy, but good. I should be done by lunch.
Cool. So, we got this schedule of events here. Any recommendations?
Brunch with the Provost!
I might like to tour the Peabody, or maybe catch one of the faculty lectures.
There's one called Plagues and Pleasures with Professor Summers.
Summers is good. He's a bigwig in the world of molecular biophysics.
- Sounds hard. - Well, I doubt there'll be an exam.
How about The Extravagant Universe with Professor Quincy?
Oh, God. Hey, what is with all the a cappella?
There's a cappella, a cappella morning, noon, and night.
I'm not sure I can take that much a cappella.
Then you should avoid arches.
A cappella groups tend to hang out under arches.
Arches and any other places with good acoustics.
Thanks for the tip.
And if you hear a pitch pipe, run. I got to get back to work.
Okay, we're gonna have brunch with the Provost,
or on the Provost. It's still unclear.
- Bye, Mom. - Bye.
- What? What is with your name tag? - What do you mean?
- It's in the middle of your chest. - So?
So, you're supposed to wear it off to the side.
Who wears a name tag in the middle of their chest?
- Superman. - Superman's "S"?
That was not a name tag. That was an emblem.
So, this is my emblem.
"Hello, I'm Rory Gilmore's Dad, Christopher" is your emblem?
Yes. Yes, it is.
I'm gonna have to ask you to walk 15 feet in front of me.
And breathe in, and blow.
Good, Luke. But try not to take such shallow breaths.
Try to take slower, deeper breaths from your diaphragm.
- Feel that? - Yeah.
I'm having a little trouble getting deep breaths over here.
You're doing fine, Ronald.
Now you've stopped breathing altogether.
(COUGHS)
- Just try and relax. - Okay.
It's okay. You'll get the hang of it.
All right, everybody. That's it. Good work.
- You did good today. - Yeah? Thanks.
Yeah. You caught right up.
I'll have you swimming like a fish in no time.
Oh, good. Thank you.
So, you eat?
- Eat? - Food.
I was thinking you could call me and we could get a bite to eat.
Yeah, sure, sure.
Here.
Here's the Young Dolphins' contact sheet. My number's right at the top.
Okay. Great. Thanks.
- See you soon. - Bye.
Look at this propaganda. Belgian waffles, cloth napkins.
I've had breakfast here before,
and it was paper napkins and American cereal all the way.
Yeah, lox, capers, itty-bitty bagels?
Pack of lies.
- Coffee? - Coffee.
- I'm Lou, Ethan Morton's dad.
Cheers.
I'm Christopher. This is Lorelai. We're Rory Gilmore's parents.
Rory Gilmore? Sure, she's a senior, right?
Wow. Did you memorize the student Facebook?
The masthead of the Yale Daily News.
Ethan's an aspiring journalist and a big fan of your daughter's.
I love that Rory has fans.
Maybe we should set up a lunch or something so Rory could meet Ethan.
Lou, honestly.
I apologize on behalf of my husband,
who can't seem to remember that Ethan already got into Yale.
The pressure's off. He doesn't need his booster club anymore.
- Daisy. - Hi. Lorelai and Christopher.
We're Rory Gilmore's parents.
Oh, Rory Gilmore's parents.
Oh! Where did you get the darling little bagels?
Oh, they're right over here. I'll show you.
You know, Ethan really is an incredible journalist.
He wrote this editorial for his high school paper
arguing that it should be legal to burn the American flag.
Insightful as hell.
I'd be glad to e-mail you a copy, if you want.
Where is the Provost? Aren't you dying to meet the Provost?
Sorry if I was being a bit pushy.
No, please. You're a proud dad.
Yeah, and we should be proud, right? Our kids done good.
- Yeah. - It's just hard to let go, you know,
after all those years of looking over their homework
and reading their papers, practicing lines with them for the school play,
taking them to karate lessons, violin lessons, SAT prep courses.
What about 5:00 a.m. hockey practice?
Science projects.
I helped Owen build a wave generator one year.
$3,200. That's what it cost me to replace the kitchen tiles
when the thing exploded in the middle of the night.
- It exploded? - I sell ladies' shoes.
What do I know about wave generators?
Jake, Owen Huber's dad.
- I'm Christopher. I'm... - Rory Gilmore's dad.
I was just talking to your wife.
Actually, I'm not his wife.
I didn't say that you were. I was talking about his wife, Mrs. Gilmore.
She's over there by the mimosas.
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
Unbelievable.
(SCOFFS)
I'm sorry. Will you excuse me? I'm gonna go talk to Mrs. Gilmore.
Which lectures are you guys gonna hit?
And I said to him, "They've tenured Bill Sunderland?"
"Who's next, Carmen Electra?"
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
Good one, Mom.
Lorelai. If you'll excuse us?
Lorelai. Well, my goodness.
- What on earth are you doing here? - What am I doing here?
Well, I think the question is, what are you doing here?
It's Yale's parents' weekend.
Yes, but you are not a parent.
- I still can't believe you're here. - Mother, it's a parents' weekend.
I'm a parent. That's why I'm here. I'm a parent.
And I'm a grandparent.
Right, a grandparent, not a parent.
- A grandparent is a type of parent. - No, it's not.
A grand piano is a type of piano, is it not?
Well, you got me there, Riddler,
but I hope that logic still works when I crash grandparents' weekend.
Oh, please, Lorelai.
Your father and I have been attending Rory's parents' weekends here at Yale
since her freshman year. It's one of our little traditions.
Oh, hello, Rachel. I'll see you at the field hockey game?
It's one of your little traditions to pretend to be Rory's parents?
Lorelai, what a surprise.
Yes, it is a surprise. You know why?
'Cause you guys aren't parents. Why are you here?
I'm an alumnus, Lorelai. Also a visiting faculty member.
And you'll remember, until recently,
your father and I were the ones taking responsibility for Rory's tuition.
Yes, I remember.
We felt someone ought to attend, for Rory's sake.
- It's obviously not your kind of thing. - What is that supposed to mean?
Well, I'm glad you're here.
Thank you. Me, too. What's that supposed to mean?
You don't like these kinds of things. Things with schedules and name tags.
You mock these kinds of things.
Well, I'm here. I'm not mocking. I'm brunching.
I think you'll find parents' weekend great fun.
Thank you. It is. I am finding it great fun.
We always tour the campus, check in here at Branford,
maybe take in a faculty lecture or two, and then take Rory out to dinner.
You're taking Rory to dinner?
We're going to Chez Zinjustin this year, a fabulous French restaurant.
They have a crème brûlée that is to die for.
Well, that sounds like fun.
Too bad you're gonna miss the tour of the gemstones of Yale.
The tour at Peabody? I thought that was much earlier.
Yes, well, it is, for the general public.
We signed up for a special evening one. Chris and I signed up weeks ago.
Christopher's here?
Yes, 'cause he's a parent. It's his weekend, too.
So, we'll go to the tour and then probably hit a few panels, go to the...
What is this you have on your name tag, "Zinf?"
What is "Zinf?" Some kind of joke?
Oh, it's an old, traditional Yale word thingy.
What is that word, "Zinf"? Is it Hebrew?
Why is it on your name tag?
You guys don't know? I thought you were all into Yale.
Hello, Emily. Richard.
Christopher. Nice to see you.
Hey, Lor, Professor Quincy's talk is about to start
and I know you probably don't...
Don't want to miss a word. Yes, that's true.
Well, we've got to go. You enjoy your evening.
But astrophysics waits for no man.
When supernovae explode, they emit an energy
that is four billion times greater than the sun.
So powerful are these explosions
that even though they're occurring halfway across the observable universe,
some seven billion light-years away...
My parents have got a lot of nerve, you know?
That's one thing they've got, is nerve.
They should put it to good use and start a knife-throwing contest or something.
Lor... I mean, lunch? Please.
They get dinner, and we get lunch? Lunch is such a booby prize.
We would be able to see
that the expansion of the universe was slowing down.
I just can't believe Rory didn't tell us that they were coming, you know.
Write her. "Rory, you little rat."
But we've learned that the expansion of the universe
is not slowing down. It's speeding up.
She says that she assumed that we knew they were coming.
"When you assume, you make..."
(SHUSHING)
Something else is happening in the universe
that is counteracting the powerful force of gravity,
and that's what we call "dark energy."
Hey, you know what?
We should have lunch at Chez Zinjustin.
I hear they have a crème brûlée to die for.
Sure. Sounds good.
Okay.
You can't make a phone call in here.
I want to make sure we get a reservation.
Back in the 1930s.
So, it may be that Einstein was right all along.
Turns out, the guy was pretty smart.
All right, are there any questions?
- Yes? - Yeah, how can we tell
whether dark energy is the same thing as the cosmological constant?
Excellent question.
More thorough measurement from observatories on the ground,
from the Hubble Space Telescope...
I was making ratatouille anyway.
Excuse me?
Perfectly good vegetables, and I was making ratatouille anyway,
and no sense in wasting them.
Did I miss something?
Not like there's anything to feel guilty about.
Jackson sells his vegetables all over town. I'm not just gonna throw these away.
Just because Lorelai is away does not mean
that I'm obligated to listen to your incessant prattling.
I mean, it would be wrong to waste vegetables.
Wasting vegetables is wrong.
I will listen to you on one condition.
Call me "Captain."
- No. - Fine.
Okay. Captain.
Yes?
The point is that Jackson's vegetables are top-of-the-line, first-rate.
But they're his vegetables, you know, and these aren't.
These have something different to offer and I shouldn't feel guilty about...
You know what? It's not worth it.
It's just ratatouille, okay? Nothing to get all riled up about.
Caesar, I'm back.
Hey, Luke, you want to grab a cold one tonight, bird-dog some chicas?
What?
As of 0700 this evening, I'm going to be a free man.
- You are? - I am.
Giving Lulu the old heave-ho, hitting the eject button.
Kirk?
- I owe it all to you, buddy. - Me?
You inspired me.
I look at you, and I think, "This guy's doing it right."
Slave to no master.
You come home at 3:00 in the morning, no one cares.
You want to eat dessert for dinner, no one cares.
You walk around in your tube socks and tighty-whiteys, no one cares.
No one cares what you do or where you go.
So, what do you say, Luke?
You want to be my wingman, Goose to my Maverick?
Listen, you pinhead, you should be kissing the ground that Lulu walks on.
Why that sweet girl lets you within 100 miles of her
is beyond me, but she does.
You are the luckiest man on the planet to have a girl like that
looking out for you and caring about you,
and if you say so much as one unkind word to her,
I will personally break every bone in your body.
You got me?
So, what did you end up putting on the front page?
Don't play dumb, Paris.
My early admission, early actions piece. No kidding.
It was a good article.
I'm hardly ever here anymore,
I'm putting in minimal effort when I am here,
and yet my article is still the front-page lead.
- It's almost too easy. - RORY: Well, it's not locked yet, Paris.
Okay, A.K., you're gonna take care of that lacrosse caption?
A.K.: What was wrong with what I had?
Well, you might want to save the metaphors and alliterations
for your poetry class and give me something short and snappy,
- and you might want to mention lacrosse. - You got it.
- I love how bossy she is. - Well, she is their boss.
Yeah, I love that.
She's like a dictator, only cute and nonviolent.
And instead of a country, she has a newspaper.
"Yale lacrosse team sticks it to Ivy League rivals?"
Done. Okay, so A.K. will take care of that.
And good job, everybody. Layout is locked.
It's funny. It's almost like I'd have to work harder not to get the front page.
Oh, hi, parents.
You are the cutest fascist ever.
Hi. So, how was the morning?
Brunch was lovely, except, of course, for my parents skulking around,
which no one warned me about.
- Hey, I forgot. I'm still mad at you. - Don't be mad at me.
All right, fine. But only 'cause you're the cutest despot ever.
What else?
We had a few close brushes with a cappella.
That was a narrow escape.
We were taking a shortcut on the way to the lecture hall
and we almost shortcutted our way into a group of guys
wearing tuxedoes, singing Zombie Jamboree.
You guys went to a lecture?
Yes, where I learned that the universe is expanding,
and that your dad is a big question-asking geek.
Hey, we have come to take you to lunch at Chez Zinjustin.
Wow. Fancy.
Apparently, the crème brûlée is to die for.
Since when do you say, "To die for?"
Since he got addicted to Project Runway.
"Make it work."
You guys should meet everybody.
Mom and Dad, this is Sheila, Bill, A.K., Raj, and Joni.
- Hi. - This is Christopher and Lorelai.
- Hello. - And you know Paris, of course.
- Lorelai. It's been too long. - Hi. Oh. Wow. Okay.
And you know Christopher.
I believe we've met in passing. Good to see you, Chris.
Good to see you.
We're just going to Chez Zinjustin for lunch.
You mean Chez Fancy-Pants.
My dad took me and my roommates there for dinner freshman year.
Back when he still loved me. It's super nice.
I hear they match your napkin to what you're wearing.
I hear they fold your napkin into an origami swan
every time you leave the table.
I don't know about the napkins, but I hear the crème brûlée is to die for.
I heard that, too.
You know what? You should all come along.
- Who, us? - Sure. Hey, let's bring the whole gang.
Oh, Dad, you don't have to...
I want to. It'll give me a chance to get to know all your friends.
- People might have plans. - None.
- There's a shocker. - I'm starving.
Well, all right, then. Come on. Lunch on Rory's dad.
- Thank you. - All right.
- Sweet. - Cool.
(PIANO PLAYING)
(FRENCH ACCENT) Thank you. The wine is wonderful.
(BRITISH ACCENT) I'm so glad you're enjoying it.
Hey, this is a French restaurant. Shouldn't all the servers be French?
(SERVER SPEAKING FRENCH)
(FRENCH ACCENT) Where is the nearest subway station?
- Another bottle, sir? - Absolutely.
Anyway, the chalet in Killington had this open floor plan,
sort of the way Rory's apartment's laid out.
- I've never exactly seen Rory's apartment. - CHRISTOPHER: Oh, yeah?
We mostly just hang at the paper and... Mostly at the paper.
Well, anyway, I really want to rent a place
at a ski resort this winter, maybe Killington or Sugarloaf.
That sounds great.
CHRISTOPHER: You know what, you should come, totally.
We'll get all of Rory's friends together
for a long weekend, ski, hang out. It'll be a blast.
A ski trip sounds awesome.
- SHEILA: Who's going skiing? - You are, this winter.
- Everyone's invited. - SHEILA: Right on.
You don't hang out with any of these people outside the paper, do you?
Not so much.
Okay. Who wants dessert?
I'd love a crème brûlée. I've never had crème brûlée.
- I could do with a cognac. - I wouldn't say no to a digestif.
Crème brûlée for me and a cognac.
You know what, I think we'd like to get crème brûlée and cognac all around.
- Sorry. - Why sorry?
- Sorry if this lunch is weird. - No.
- Rory? - Okay, this lunch is weird.
(CHUCKLES)
I feel like we're those lame-o parents of yore.
- Dad is trying kind of hard. - Yeah.
I think any minute he's gonna start juggling plates.
And hanging spoons off his nose. Yeah, but it's sweet.
So, seriously, whenever you guys get a three-day weekend,
you should totally come up.
- Can we rent skis there? - Sure, or I can lend you a pair.
We'll have you jumping moguls down a black diamond in no time, Raj.
I guess it's good that I experience a little bit of lame-o parenting.
I mean, after all, it's part of the
quintessential college experience, isn't it?
I guess.
And it's great that you got to meet the whole gang
before our big ski vacation together.
(PDA RINGING)
- Uh-oh. - "Uh-oh" good or "uh-oh" bad?
I guess there isn't really an "uh-oh" good, is there?
Listen up, guys.
A bunch of students that were protesting the war
took over President Stewart's office,
so it looks like we're gonna have to rework the whole edition.
Why can't the news stop while we're eating?
- I know, it's so impolite. - I just got a text with a photo.
Looks like they're wearing George Bush masks and...
- Are those Condoleezza Rice masks? - They make Condoleezza masks?
We've got to get on this, everybody.
- So, you guys, I'm sorry. It looks like... - It's okay. Go.
- Duty calls. - Okay, Sheila, get Keith on the phone,
and see if you can get him down there. Actually, get Samantha down there, too.
I want so many photos of this thing, I can make a flip book.
Bill and A.K., get back to the office
so you can proof the story as we're e-mailing it in.
Everyone else, you're with me.
- But what about the crème brûlée? - And our cognac?
I have yet to taste the sweet nectar of crème brûlée.
This is going to be our front page.
Front page? Really?
- I think the front page is fine as it is. - Paris.
Come on, we all know these rabble-rousers
are just looking for attention. Why indulge them?
Let's go.
I want to go. I want to report this story.
I just want to do it after I eat my crème brûlée.
I mean, what if tonight I get hit by lightning and die a crème brûlée virgin?
A crème brûlée virgin?
You know what? Enough. This is a major political protest.
It's a big story, and it's going to go on our front page.
Now get your drunk, crème brûlée-craving asses
out of these chairs, and let's get to work.
Okay, besides the lead, I'm going to need some color.
What's going on behind the masks. That kind of thing.
- Joni, you want to take a crack at that? - I'm a little tipsy.
Okay, is there anyone who's not a little tipsy?
Thanks for lunch, Dad.
- Thank you. - Lunch was great.
- Great meeting you. - See you later.
Well, I hope you're hungry for some crème brûlée.
Are you sure you want to fianchetto that bishop so early?
I don't know. It depends on what "fianchetto" means.
It means I'm gonna kick your butt if you make that move.
Well, you're kicking my butt anyway,
so I don't see how one fianchetto is gonna make that much of a difference.
Besides, it sounds fancy and makes it seem like I know what I'm doing.
You're not very good.
LUKE: April.
Sorry, I can be blunt.
Tell it like it is, sister.
Besides, later tonight, when we Boggle,
which is what I was told we'd be playing tonight,
it is your butt that is going to be kicked
because I've been studying my seven-letter words
that sound made-up but aren't.
"Palfrey." P-A-L-F-R-E-Y.
- It's a saddle horse for a woman. - Impressive.
Okay, so, Coach Bennett and I are gonna go out
and have some dinner together and talk, and then I'll be home.
Shouldn't be more than a couple hours. Just a dinner and some talking.
Well, it would be weird if it was a dinner with no talking.
True.
And you should probably call her Susan tonight,
you know, instead of Coach Bennett. I think she'd prefer that.
- Good tip. - We'll hang out until you get back.
Okay, so you got the number of the restaurant.
I'm gonna have my cell phone on me, so if there are any problems...
Thank you, Luke. Bye.
- Bye, Dad. - See you later.
- You okay? - I'm fine.
Okay, now, it's your move, darling,
unless you'd rather discuss zymurgy. Z-Y-M-U-R-G-Y.
The branch of applied chemistry dealing with fermentation.
All right, all right. We can play Boggle.
Yes!
Hello. Two?
Okay, right this way.
There you go.
Your waitress will be right with you.
Thank you. Oh, no. Come sit with me.
- There? - Yeah. It's cozier.
Oh, okay.
I hate being so far away.
(CHUCKLES)
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Wow! - I know, right?
It's my favorite restaurant.
And you said you liked to eat healthy, so...
Yeah. I've never eaten this healthy.
So, vegan doesn't just mean vegetarian.
No, no animal products of any kind. No eggs, no milk, no cheese.
- Just soy everything. - Soy steak is scrumptious.
I swear you totally can't tell the difference.
Oh, I bet I can.
- So, Luke, let me ask you a question. - Okay.
Who would play you in the Luke Danes movie?
Huh?
Alive or dead.
I never really thought about that.
Take your time. Do you want to know mine?
Sure.
(CHUCKLES)
Marlene Dietrich.
- Right? - I don't know who that is.
- Sure you do. - No, I don't.
- Yes, you do. Think. - I don't.
Touch of Evil, The Lady ls Willing, Destry Rides Again.
"Your husband would rather be cheated by me"
"than married to you."
Oh, yeah, sure.
My last boyfriend, The Ex, he was always calling me, "Marlene!"
Oh, you know what? I think you might know him.
- Bob McCullough, Laura's father? - No, I don't think I do.
We lived together for four months,
and then he just went totally psycho.
(SHOUTS) Psycho!
I swore I wasn't gonna date anymore single dads after that,
but here I am.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
You hooked me.
Well, you know what they say, third time's a charm.
- Can I get anybody a drink? - Yes, please.
LORELAI: I heard a bone crack, several bones cracking.
Crack, crack, crack. It was like fireworks.
Rugby is a violent sport.
I guess the fact that an ambulance was parked by the side of the field
before the game even started should've been my first clue.
They don't park ambulances next to tetherball matches.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
I can't believe we lost. It was so violent. I guess they were just violent-er.
It's Rory.
They're at the paper. They're still working.
- Man! - Half of them are drunk or hung over.
- Joni passed out. - Oh, jeez.
Looks like she's gonna be there all night.
Oh, that's not good news.
Well, silver lining.
That means she won't get to have dinner with my parents.
We got the only meal. We won parents' weekend,
and we didn't even break any bones.
Yeah. Some meal.
What's wrong?
Nothing. I just... I...
- I screwed up. - What do you mean, you screwed up?
I mean, it's my fault that Rory's got to work all night.
What do you mean? You staged the student protest?
You wore a Condi mask and manacled yourself to the President's door?
The big meal, ordering all that wine. Her staff's a mess, it's my fault.
Honey, if those kids are gonna be journalists,
they have to learn to write drunk.
I'm trying to be Superdad or something.
- Why? - I don't know.
Does it have to do with the name tag-in-the-middle-of-the-chest thing?
At the brunch, all the other dads were talking about how they took their kids
to hockey practice and violin lessons,
and helped them study for the SATs, and I just stood there like a jerk
nodding my head like I'd done all those things.
- Oh, honey. - I didn't do any of those things.
Well, first of all, Rory didn't need someone to check her homework.
She was a self-starter.
Second of all, she wasn't interested in hockey,
and third of all, you don't have to try to be Superdad.
- I feel like I should be. - No. You can just relax, you know?
Be yourself. Be the dad that you are.
Clark Kent dad, Christopher Hayden dad.
I guess.
Totally.
It's just... It's too late.
I mean, I've got G.G., and that's great, but Rory... Rory's grown up.
- I missed it. - You didn't miss it.
She's a senior in college, Lor.
We have years of hard parenting ahead. She is due for a quarter-life crisis.
All those years of stability do not bode well.
We're gonna have plenty to do.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
And the best part is we get to deal with it together.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Quarter-life crisis, huh?
I'm pretty sure she's gonna spin wildly out of control.
We're gonna have to do an intervention,
put her through rehab, give her a place to stay
while she's divorcing the Hell's Angel.
Divine. The tomatoes are so fresh and meaty.
The eggplant is what puts it over the top. The perfect sweetness. Your best ever.
Well, I wouldn't say my best.
It is. It's a whole new level of flavor, like a vegetable symphony.
- What do you think, Captain? - It's true.
It even surpasses my mother's, and that woman made ratatouille for a living.
Well done, Sookie.
(PRAISING IN ITALIAN)
It's just ratatouille, okay? Now, go, get back to work.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
- Hey. - Hey!
- You ready to go? - Ready-Freddy!
Just dropped the kids off at the Bostics'. They made me take my shoes off again.
They make everybody take off their shoes.
I can't remember the last time I saw the Bostics in anything but socks.
But then they had the audacity to complain that my feet smelled.
They really complained?
Well, they made sour faces when they thought I wasn't looking
- and rolled their eyes. - Oh, Jackson.
What do they expect? Of course, my feet smell.
I work in the fields all day.
That's why I wear these big, thick boots, in order to contain the smell.
I swear, the next time they come over to the house,
I'm gonna ask them to take off their pants or something. It's outrageous!
- I'm sorry, honey. - Yeah, well...
I know the Bostics are a little nutso.
Very nutso. Who irons their couch?
But Martha and Davey love going over there and playing with Kayla and Ryan.
And when they come back, they're so polite and cordial
for like an hour, which is nice.
That is a bonus, but still.
I know. I'll get my purse.
- No! - What?
Bad batch! Saving it for the horses.
But you never mess up your ratatouille.
Well, everyone's allowed a mistake or two here and there.
You know what? I'm just gonna just junk it.
Are you sure? It smells fantastic.
I'm sure. Trust me, it's awful. Hey, you know what I was thinking?
What do you think about a nice romantic dinner, huh?
- How about Cicero's? - Wow. Cicero's.
Yeah.
They have good ratatouille.
Okay, so long as I can keep my shoes on.
Unless Cicero's has suddenly gone Japanese, I think we're good.
WOMAN ON T.V.: The first name that I'm going to call is... A.J.
She was very well-behaved.
Glad to hear it. Lane?
- Oh, hey, Luke. - I'm home.
You zonked out about 20 minutes ago.
Well, I should probably do the rest of my zonking in my own apartment.
Thank you for hanging out with me tonight, April.
My pleasure.
- See you tomorrow, Luke. - See you tomorrow, Lane.
So, you guys had fun?
Totally. Lane's awesome.
- How about you? - It was nice, you know?
We had vegan food.
You couldn't have liked that.
I did not, but Coach Bennett really seemed to enjoy it.
So, you're still calling her Coach Bennett?
Oh, I think she'll just remain Coach Bennett to me.
That's cool.
Hey, is that pizza still up for grabs?
Go crazy.
Oh, I'm starving. Real cheese.
We also ordered sticky buns.
Bring it on.
WOMAN ON T.V.: Everybody's just working it today, aren't they?
You're still in the running towards becoming America's next top model.
Thank you for believing in me.
- No quote from President Stewart yet? - Nothing.
- Have we picked the photo? - Sheila's got some options for you.
Layout's coming along.
Good. Okay. Keep it moving. We have a deadline here.
(PHONE RINGING)
(GROANING) Who made this phone so loud?
Yale Daily News.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Will do.
We got ourselves a quote. Steve's e-mailing it in now.
Great. Okay, would you mind inputting these corrections?
Anything to get away from that phone.
- Hey, gang. - Hey.
We come bearing donuts and coffee.
Gather round. We hear the chocolate éclairs are to die for.
Thanks, guys.
We figured you'd need some all-nighter supplies.
- Hey. - Hey.
So, I'm sorry about getting your staff drunk.
Oh, don't worry about it.
You seemed pretty upset at the restaurant.
I was just stressed out. It's no big deal.
- So, you're not mad? - No.
But, Dad, I think I would've liked it better
if on parents' weekend, I could've just had lunch with my parents.
Yeah, that would've been better. Next year, grad school parents' weekend.
Hey, if it's okay with you, you mind if we hang out and watch you in action?
Oh, I don't think you can hang out 'cause you're gonna be late.
Late for?
For your dinner reservations at Chez Zinjustin.
I mean, I told Grandma and Grandpa that I couldn't make it,
but I think I accidentally told them that you guys were free.
- You're evil. - You were mad.
Isn't that a coincidence that they had a reservation there, too?
Oh, don't eat that donut 'cause I hear they have a crème brûlée that is...
Don't.
Come on, get your lame-o parent selves out the door.
You don't want to be late. That'll tick them off.
- Bye-bye. - Bye.
Bye-bye.