LORELAI: Ick, raisins. What are the pruney red things?
SOOKIE: Dried cranberries. LORELAI: Gone.
- What's this? - Carob.
Adios.
Okay, why do we buy trail mix if you're gonna pick everything out?
Well, they've ruined trail mix. It used to be simple.
Now they put too much stuff in it.
Your mouth doesn't know what to expect with any given bite.
Will it be fruity? Will it be granola-y? Will it be chocolate substitutey?
- What's this? - Soybean.
Squirrel food.
Ladies, please. We're saying goodbye to Mr. Twickham.
So?
The man's on his deathbed. Show a little respect.
Taylor, Old Man Twickham's been dying for 20 years.
This is my seventeenth time saying adios.
Yeah, I think you have the record, Patty.
I forget. When was the last time he thought he was dying?
- It's been a good two years. - I remember now. The last time, the rain.
We got drenched.
It made the whole "he's dying" thing a total bummer.
Ladies, please.
You may not be respecting this moment, but all the rest of us are.
Get your Twickham souvenirs here. Twickham souvenirs.
I've got your bats. I've got your balls.
I've got your foam fingers. Get them before he's gone.
- How's Mr. Twickham looking, Andrew? - A little tired.
- Dying is exhausting. - He's thinking of taking a break...
- and picking up again tomorrow. - No.
- We've been waiting an hour. - He's kind of distracted, anyway.
The whole time I was there, he was TiVoing through a fresh Summerland.
Do we have time to come back tomorrow?
Not really. Hey, everybody keep it quick in there, okay?
"Good morning, Mr. Twickham. Goodbye, Mr. Twickham." And then vamoose.
- He should start dying earlier in the day. - Yeah.
Green stuff? Come on. What's green?
[Cell phone ringing]
- Hello? - He's dead.
- Who? - Old Man Twickham.
- No. - Yes.
It's gotta be a mistake.
- It's not. The man is gone. - I don't believe it. I mean, are you sure?
There's no breath left in him. The light's gone out of his eyes.
He's smelled the burnt almonds.
He's feeding the worms. He's chatting up his grandpa.
He is the old man formerly known as Twickham.
Wow.
I can't believe he's gone. I mean, he's been dying my whole life.
And I just got my goodbye in. He was about to close shop for the day.
We got in, told him goodbye and that we'd miss him.
We left, and then, apparently, he just closed his eyes...
muttered something about Lori Loughlin, and that was that.
Wow.
- Yeah. - He's never died before.
I guess there's a first time for everything.
Kirk's happy, though. His dying caused a run on souvenirs.
- Tacky. - Oh, yeah, tacky.
So, are you coming home this weekend?
- Probably not. Maybe next week. - Okay, I just always like to check.
So, I should go. Sorry about Old Man Twickham.
Gotta move on.
I hear Old Man Ketchum has a nasty cough. Could turn into something.
That's the spirit. Bye.
[Heroic instrumental music playing on stereo]
- Pathetic. - What?
Nothing important, I just wanted to inform you that you're pathetic.
- Back at you, sister. - I am not pathetic.
Oh, come on, we're in the same situation, except you're in denial.
- Denial? - I haven't seen Logan lately.
Well, why don't you call him up then? I bet he misses you.
- Is he missing you? - Goodbye.
- Have fun pretending the sky is green. - Have fun re-enacting the Maxell Tape ad.
- Hey, Soph. - You wash your hands?
- Front and back. - Let's see them.
So we're never gonna forget the peanut butter on the sitar?
Good God, man. You heard of hand cream?
- Okay if we walk around? - Carefully.
- Hi, Lane. - Hi, Sophie.
- Show her the thing. - I suddenly got very self-conscious.
- That's why you brought it. - I know.
Show her.
So, Sophie Bloom. Your last name is Bloom.
Thanks for the info.
I was looking through some old vinyl I have...
I don't have much because I was born on the cusp of the CD revolution...
but I originally had a record player, Snoopy record player...
and boy, did I love this record player...
and shutting my door and listening to music on it...
Oh, my God, Garrison Keillor, what is your point?
I saw the name Sophie Bloom on this album...
the one non-Christian one my mother allowed me to have.
It just popped out at me and I was wondering...
Oh, this thing.
- So it's you. You wrote these songs. - A long time ago.
I think this is amazing! Because I want to do more than just drum.
I would like to write and compose.
I was wondering if we could sit down sometime and talk about music...
because I think you have so much you can pass on to me, woman to woman.
Really, just coffee sometime. My treat.
Well, I suppose sometime when I'm not working or out of town...
if my boyfriend's busy and my laundry's done...
and I'm not sick and there's nothing on TV...
we could maybe meet up for a couple of minutes.
It's a date.
There she is, the woman of the hour.
- Apparently that's me. - I am blown away by this.
- Yeah, well, my hugs are that powerful. - Well, I'm talking about the article.
You're gonna be on the cover of a magazine. That's a big deal.
Well, it's the inn. It's not me. But, yes, it is a big deal...
So how'd they tell you? They phone you or they e-mail you?
They said they were so impressed by the inn...
they were so impressed by my story...
It's a great story.
Well, it's a little thin when you compare it to War and Peace, but...
What? You started with nothing. It's a great story.
The magazine's pretty good, too. I did some research.
- Oh, research. - Yeah, I got a bunch of back issues...
and I read them, tried to figure out who should interview you.
Okay, Alisha Kensington. Staff writer, too green and way too stiff.
Too many adverbs.
Frederick Fairmount. He talks more about himself...
than the person he's interviewing. Something boozy about him, too.
I don't think they let you pick who's gonna interview you.
Well, just in case they offer. But this is big.
Yeah, I guess it is. What happened there?
- What do you think? Taylor. - How did Taylor break the window?
- How do you think? By being Taylor. - Taylor's Taylorness can now break glass?
You know what I mean. He's doing something, and crash, bang, there you go.
- Hey, is it 6:00 yet? - A little past.
- Oh, shoot. Town meeting's started. - So?
So I thought we'd go. You like those things, right?
Yeah, but you don't.
This is your big night, you know? With the article and everything.
Why don't we hit the town meeting...
and then we'll get something to eat like a little celebration.
- Sounds good. - Yeah, great. We gotta hurry.
Come on, people. It's not that complicated.
I don't want to be a burden.
Patty, what about the couch you have in the back of the studio?
In her freezing-cold studio with no insulation and no heat.
- Sounds great. - Hi, what's happening?
Problems with Kirk's schedule.
Can't Sheriff Taylor just let him share a cell with Otis for the night?
- Maybe the Morrisses will take him again. - Their kid stuck things in my nose.
- Well then, lock the door when you sleep. - It wasn't while I was asleep.
- How'd you drag Luke here? - He wanted to come.
I'll just sleep outside in the gazebo.
I would ask, though, that if I die from exposure...
don't just dump me in the landfill.
- No one's dumping you in a landfill, Kirk. - It's against regulations.
Let's pigeonhole this matter for now, get on to our next order of business.
It's the matter of the estate of the late Joshua Twickham.
You bring food?
After the trail-mix fiasco? I wouldn't dare.
Shhh!
Sorry.
I'm happy to say that this beloved elder was generous even on his deathbed.
Mr. Twickham has left his beautiful home to the town.
Is his deathbed still there? I'm not picky.
What does that mean, "to the town"?
- Luke, what are you doing here? - Just keep going, Taylor.
He left the house to the Stars Hollow Historical Society...
along with his ample collection of valuable memorabilia.
His will stipulates that the house is to be converted into a museum.
A museum?
Are you going to interrupt me the whole meeting?
I'm just asking.
A Stars Hollow museum.
We will display his personal historical artifacts for a period of two months.
After two months the house is to be disposed of...
at the discretion of the head of the Historical Society, meaning me.
- Oh, goody. - Now you're gonna talk under your breath.
I'm sorry.
Funny, I didn't hear those words come out of your mouth...
this morning after you tried to kill me.
[Whispering] What?
So we're going to need strong volunteers to make this dream a reality.
Now, anyone with the appropriate skills, let's see a show of hands.
You really have to fill me in on the gag here.
Luke, don't come to these things just to mock our business.
I'm not mocking anything. I'm volunteering.
- After you threw a frying pan at my head. - You threw a frying pan at Taylor's head?
Just for playing my Muzak too loud. I mean, who doesn't love Muzak?
- Oh! Music lovers? - The thing slipped out of my hand.
Right after you said, quote, "You better duck, Taylor..."
"Because I'm going to throw this frying pan at your head."
You threw a frying pan at Taylor's head without me there? I hate you.
I'm volunteering. Take it or leave it.
Patty, take down the names of the legitimate volunteers, please.
Now, whoever is actually gonna show up, our day will start at 7:00 sharp.
To the rest, shame on you.
Now on to item number three...
budgetary concerns about the new snowplow.
I'm sorry, does Taylor have compromising pictures of you or something?
It's no joke.
Why on earth are you volunteering for Taylor?
Well...
Luke?
How well did you know Old Man Twickham?
- Somewhat. - Well, I knew him all my life.
- He was like another dad, in a way. - Oh, nice.
I didn't show up to say goodbye and I was feeling a little guilty about it.
He was a good guy. I just want to do right by him.
Yeah, you are a terrific fellow, Luke Danes.
No, Kirk. If you build an igloo to sleep in...
and the town plow runs over it and kills you...
we are not going to just leave your corpse in the snow.
Okay, but I don't want to be a burden.
Let's store all the boxes inside, sort through them in there...
then store what we don't need in the garage.
- Morning, Taylor. - What are you doing here?
- I volunteered. - I don't get the joke.
There's no joke. I'm at your disposal.
Now, we're gonna need a nice, flat staging area.
Perhaps over there, because there's no space here out front.
- What about right here? - My office is going here.
- Your office? Why do you need an office? - So, you came to complain?
No, I was just...
I'm organizing. I'm working. I need an office.
- Okay, fine. Sorry. Carry on. - Come on, everybody.
Let's hook up with people inside, and I'll start handing out assignments.
- Where are you going? - Inside.
- Why? - I'm a volunteer.
- Hey, Luke. - Hey, Kyle.
- Just thought I'd lend a hand. - Good one.
- Is this everybody, people? - I believe so, Taylor.
What the hell are you doing here?
- I can't keep answering this question. - Come in, good folk.
We are embarking on a wonderful adventure.
Right here in this room, we'll display...
Mr. Twickham's impressive collection of memorabilia.
Upstairs, we'll house the multimedia dioramas...
depicting the history of the town.
Sounds good.
Now, I took the liberty of doing up some fun shirts that we all can wear.
Everyone, please, put one on.
Isn't that nice?
They all take a cold-water wash and tumble dry. Low.
Now, before we begin, I'd like us all to join hands.
What?
He's a twisted little perv, if you ask me.
Come on, everybody. Take hands.
Let's close our eyes and visualize our goal.
Picture a freckle-faced boy, eyes wide with curiosity...
drinking in the history of the town as he wanders the room.
He's by the door. He's going by the stairs.
- He's delighting. - Luke's peeking.
- That means you're peeking, too, snitch. - Quiet, please.
Hey, I've lost track, where's the freckle-faced kid walking?
Okay, I think that's enough visualizing, everybody.
How about we start organizing all these boxes, okay?
All right. Let's go.
- I'd like a moment with you, Luke. - It's time to let go there, Taylor.
- I want the straight skinny from you. - Really? Let go of my hand.
Not until you tell me what you're doing.
I'm really just trying to get my hand away from you.
Why are you here? Why did you volunteer?
Because I wanted to.
Luke, you hated Old Man Twickham. I know that for a fact.
You said despicable things about him your whole life.
Well, okay, if you must know, Lorelai asked me.
- Lorelai? - That's right.
We've been through a bit of a rough patch.
Yes.
Well, I want to make things right with her, get off to a good new start.
She really wants me to get involved in community things...
and she asked me to get involved. So I'm doing it for her.
Well, I think that's very nice.
So I'm here for you, Taylor, 100%.
- Good, because you're not untalented. - Thank you.
How about I make you my right-hand man?
Stick by me. Be me when I'm not here. What do you say?
Well, I'll need my right hand back for that, I think.
Of course.
Okay, good.
This is a new side of you, Luke, and I like it.
All right, let's get started, everybody.
So, which is your favorite room?
That changes daily. Today, it's the library.
- What do you love about it? - It hugs you. Does that sound silly?
- Not at all. - The kitchen turned out so wonderfully...
so the kitchen and the library are duking it out right now.
I should definitely get the name of your designer.
- "Ners." We went through quite a few. - Really? The design's so cohesive.
What you see is a lot of me. She said that so humbly.
Hey, credit where credit is due.
I put my soul into this place, my heart, my liver, a couple of kidneys...
And I had a great partner in Sookie.
And we had a great community rooting for us.
That's what you feel here. Support, family, hominess, warmth.
It must reflect your upbringing.
No?
I'm just happy I wasn't sipping coffee when you said that.
It would've come out my nose.
Childhood wasn't so warm and fuzzy?
You know Superman's Fortress of Solitude?
A Jamaican beach compared to my mother's house.
So I'll cross your mother off your list of inspirations.
No, I actually did pick up some valuable lessons...
on running a staff from my mother.
How so?
Well, I consider what my mother would do in a given situation...
then I dial it back and I have what Mussolini would do...
then I dial it back, and I have what Stalin would do...
and then I dial that back. And it starts approaching what a sane person would do.
Ouch.
You're right. Let's find a topic happier than my relationship with my mother.
Basically, that'd be anything short of famine.
Okay...
I will tell you one story about my mother on a family vacation.
Jimmy Carter was there, and he had a bigger room...
All righty, upstairs floors and walls cleaned, check.
And blackout curtains delivered and ready to be installed, check.
- Luke? - Yeah.
It would really help to hear you say "check."
I'm getting it, Taylor.
But how do I know that unless you say "check" after I say "check"?
[Sighing deeply] Fine.
And audio equipment delivered, awaiting mounting brackets, check?
Check.
Excellent.
[Kirk and Kyle chuckling]
Boys, boys, what's so funny?
I took the mannequin by the arms, and I said...
Wait, wait, I'll tell him. So he goes, "Grab the other end."
- No, I said, "Grab her end." - Right.
So I grabbed her right here, right under her rear end.
- Her rear end! - I was walking with it like that.
Really, do I have to separate you two?
Now set that down and bring in the others. Modestly.
So, Gypsy, find some interesting stuff?
How does a George Washington letter sound?
- Fantastic. - Wow, that's great.
Mint condition, too.
Let's frame it and hang it in a place of honor.
I'm not sure this is what you think it is.
What do you mean?
It's a letter to the editor of a newspaper, signed George Washington.
It's dated 1944.
That's a little smudged. It could be 1744.
- It mentions Jack Benny. - We could cross out the Jack Benny part.
Let's put it on the "to be displayed" pile...
and we'll authenticate it at a later time.
Actually, why don't we put it in the "maybe" pile, Taylor?
There's got to be better than this.
You're right. Let's keep our standards high. Good thinking, Luke.
Now, Gypsy, as soon as we have everything catalogued...
my man, Luke, here, will liaise with you to coordinate your needs.
- Right, we'll liaise. - Fine, but I'm not doing nothing dirty.
Carry on.
Okay, so we should start moving this stuff in the other room...
so we can clean here.
- Luke? - Yeah.
Taylor would like to see you in his office.
- What? He was just here. - That's what he said.
I'll be right back.
Come in.
- You wanted to see me? - Luke, yes. Sit down. We need to talk.
Now, if you're going to disagree with me, which you have every right to...
please don't do it in front of the rest of the crew.
What are you talking about?
That George Washington letter? I was humiliated.
- No, you weren't. - Luke, we're a team. Don't forget that.
Fine, okay. I won't disagree with you in front of the crew.
Good. Although, it's probably safest for you...
not to disagree with me at all, don't you think?
- Sure, I agree. - Good.
[Beeping]
KIRK: [On CB] Taylor?
This is Taylor Doose.
- The carpenter is here, Taylor. - Copy that.
Liaise with him, will you?
You took the words right out of my mouth.
- Where's the guy, Kirk? - Right over there.
This is better than Rockem Sockem Robots.
- I love Rockem Sockem Robots. - Yeah.
- Watch the hook, man. That's no fair. - Take that! Yeah.
[Upbeat '60s instrumental music playing on TV]
Every one of these people is dead. That makes me sad.
That movie's from the '60s. They're not all dead.
Well, they're old, osteoporosistic.
These days, if they shake it, they break it. That makes me sad.
- Switch back to Mahler. - It was your idea for me to watch a movie.
It was my idea for you to do whatever it took to get your mind off Doyle.
So you're going away, huh? No Huntzberger this weekend?
Obviously not.
You guys were hot and heavy for a couple of weeks. What happened?
- Nothing. - Your feast turned into famine, huh?
Fine, if you must know, yes. See, Paris? I'm not in denial.
Logan and I were hot and heavy. Had a good two weeks.
Then it became about voice mails, then crickets.
So, yes, he pulled back, and I'm going crazy...
but I'm not gonna stay here and wallow and watch you be all depressed.
- You're right. - About what?
About you staying here. You should get out. I should get out.
- This place is poison. - It is.
I don't want to be like this. I want to
live my life so that I'll be able to read...
an in-depth biography about myself in later years...
- and not puke. - Good.
I'm going to get up and pack, and I'm gonna have some fun this weekend.
Good.
- How does this end? - They dance again.
Okay.
Hey, Zach, Grande's closes at 8:00 tonight...
a little early because it's one of his kids' birthdays...
but I checked with Luke, and he's letting me off at 7:00...
- so we've got plenty of time. - For what?
To shop at Grande's. We set it up last week.
- We did? - Yes.
Huh.
Well, could we go next week?
Zach, we haven't hit Grande's in four months.
We're completely out of cleaning supplies.
Well, I can't go tonight, so just go without me.
But you love shopping for cleaning supplies.
I know, but tonight, I've got something to do.
- What? - Just gonna go chill with some friends.
- Who? - Officer, I confess! Body's in the trunk.
- Zach. - I'm just gonna see some old friends.
God, what do you want, names and addresses?
- No, fine, I'll go by myself. - Good.
Good.
And don't forget. Get a dishwashing liquid that's gentle on my hands.
I will.
Hello.
- Hi. Honey. - This is okay, right?
- Springing a surprise visit on you? - This is your definition of surprise?
This is not a surprise. Come on in. I'll show you a surprise.
Paris.
I packed my bags and was on the road before I remembered...
that my parents don't own property in the United States anymore.
- Since when? - Since the IRS Redd Foxxed my father.
The place in Asylum Hill, the Nantucket cottage, even the crack house in Harlem...
that we converted into a co-op was sold off to one of the Queer Eye guys.
Where did they go?
They're going to wire me when they're safe.
- Anyway, I'm here. Should I leave? - No, stay. If it's okay with Mom.
- It's okay with me. - So I guess you can have the couch.
- Sorry, that's spoken for. - What?
Hey, Rory. This is a nice surprise.
The Moudeses were supposed to have him tonight.
They have goldfish. Kirk's afraid of goldfish.
They're always staring at you, all gold and unblinking.
I like sleeping on the floor, anyway. It's good for my back.
Okay, enjoy.
Can I...
KIRK: How do you feel about goldfish?
So, what inspired your visit?
- Just nothing else to do. - Oh, well, don't I feel special?
Sorry, you know what I mean.
You mean, "I love you, Mommy. I miss you, Mommy."
That's what I meant.
So, no parties or anything? No dates?
No, just a nice quiet weekend. It's perfect.
Oh, wait, you didn't have anything planned with Luke tonight?
- Don't cancel it on my account. - No, it's okay. He's busy.
Taylor's making him drive out to fetch a historical cannonball...
that Old Man Twickham had lent to his sister in Mystic.
- What would you borrow a cannonball for? - It's been bugging me, too.
- So how'd your magazine interview go? - Good, I think.
I mean, I've never done one before.
She didn't stab me with her pencil or anything.
- A very good sign. - My interviewer was really cool.
Sandra. It was more like friends chatting than being interviewed.
She loved the inn. She asked some good questions...
and she loved, loved my Emily stuff.
Your Emily stuff?
Yes, she asked me questions about my background.
I gave it to her, unplugged.
- You didn't. - She asked.
- But you couched it, right? - What do you mean?
I mean, you described it, in so many words, colorful but unemotional?
- I called her the female Pol Pot. - Mom, you didn't.
- She laughed for like a minute. - That's so harsh.
Harsh, but true.
Can I get some water?
- Why are you covering your eyes, Kirk? - In case you're naked.
You thought I'd walk into my daughter's room and get naked?
- I don't know your domestic routine. - Glasses are above the sink.
So, you attribute any war crimes to Grandma?
Any environmental disasters?
Quit! We were just talking. She won't print any of it.
Why? Was it off the record?
Yeah, technically. It wasn't about the inn.
- But did you say, "It's off the record"? - No.
Then it's fair game. She can print all of it.
Including the limerick?
- You did your limerick? - I am very proud of it.
I found two dirty words that rhyme with Emily.
Oh, boy.
Can't I call the reporter and tell her it was off the record?
You can't take things off the record once they're on.
Well, so what? The chances that my mother reads...
- American Travel are extremely slim. - Yeah...
except for the fact that I told her about it tonight.
- I needed some small talk. - And "how are the girls at the club?"...
and "ooh, that's gorgeous, is it new?" doesn't work anymore?
Those are tried and true standbys.
Well, I told her about it, and she jotted down the title. She's gonna read it.
Okay, well, you know what?
Fine, let her. It's all true.
I'm tired of protecting people, of being polite...
of worrying about other people's feelings.
Let her get all Condoleezza Rice to my Barbara Boxer if she wants.
KIRK: Ow!
- Kirk, you can open your eyes. - I'm fine.
- Ow, my head. - Kirk.
I'm fine. Ow, my toe.
- Kirk. - Ow, my knee.
Kirk.
[Cannonball bangs against back of truck]
[Cannonball bangs]
You were right. We should've tied the cannonball down.
Taylor, you don't like to drive after dark, so we didn't have time to tie it down.
You didn't have the proper tools to secure it with, anyway. Netting, twine...
Yes, well, drat my luck. I took all my cannonball-securing tools...
out of the truck just yesterday.
- Must weigh about 100 pounds. - Something like that.
- Good, we're in luck. Hey, Dean. - No, Taylor, I'll move it myself.
Luke, don't be headstrong.
Once, I sprained my pecs lifting a birdbath,
and they were no good to me ever again.
What do you need, Taylor?
Got a big heavy ball here. How are your pecs?
- They're fine. - Help us to the house?
[Both grunting]
- Look, buddy... - Where do you want it, Taylor?
On the lawn is fine. We'll put it in place tomorrow morning.
Lucky you were here.
Yeah, lucky.
Breakfast.
- Morning. - Morning. Rory, are you up?
She's probably on the phone.
I'm not on the phone. I was just getting dressed.
- Coffee? - Definitely, yes.
- So, did you get any rest? - Kirk talks in his sleep.
- Anything juicy? - He deals blackjack.
- Kirk. - Yeah?
Turn off the TV. Come have your breakfast.
- In a minute. - Now.
How old is he?
You'd have to cut him open and count the rings.
- Morning. - Morning.
Morning.
You really should see a sleep therapist.
- Roulette? - Blackjack.
Sorry.
- Kirk, is the TV still on? - Oh, I forgot.
No, no, I'll get it.
You'd forget your head if it wasn't screwed on.
- Don't deny you were on the phone. - Phone's in the living room.
Oh, that's your phone? It rang about an hour ago.
- It was ringing? - No.
- Knock it off. - What are you guys talking about?
Fine.
No forts.
Now, I don't know what all your plans are, but the grand opening...
of the Stars Hollow Museum is this morning. Any takers?
It's always amusing when provincials grasp for legitimacy. I'm in.
- I wouldn't miss it. - I helped build it.
Bully.
All right, we'll finish up here, grab your jackets, and we'll go.
- I don't need a jacket. - Well, it's chilly, Kirk.
[Whining] I don't want to wear a jacket.
Then maybe you won't go to the grand opening of the Stars Hollow Museum.
- I'll put on my jacket. - Finish your breakfast first.
Kirk, do not turn that TV on.
[TV turning on]
Kirk. I mean it, Kirk.
Please enjoy the museum, and come back for some punch.
Good morning, ladies.
- Hi, Patty. - Hi, Patty.
Oh, I remember you, you poor thing.
Thanks.
That's $3 each, but that includes a punch.
Would you like yours now?
Oh, how about later, after I eat a loaf of bread...
and a pound of crackers, and chase it with a quart of olive oil.
[Chuckling] Well, it's not my punch if it's not strong.
Hey, you guys coming? Looks like we're the first group in.
I'll catch up. I told Lane I'd meet up with her.
Okay, see you. Bye.
- How you doing? - I'm fine.
Doyle's probably called me at the dorm...
and my not calling him back means he may never call me again.
There you go. There you have it.
Paris, you've come this far. Don't buckle.
I don't want to buckle. I really don't want to buckle.
- Here, keep it for me. - Your cell phone? You sure?
- Remove the temptation. - You got it. There's Lane.
- Hello. - What's wrong with you?
- I don't want to talk about it. - Well, we're a fun group.
- Paris. - We paid our $3.
Miss Patty's leftover punch is used to remove tar from construction sites.
Then let it remove the tar from our souls.
- Here it is. - It's nice.
- You really turned this around fast, huh? - Well, it was a team effort.
- Hey, look, old letters. - Oh, love those.
"Letter from Olivia Taft, purported grand-niece..."
"By marriage of President William Taft..."
"Written to Chester Hobart, assumed distant relative..."
"To Garret Hobart, Vice President to William McKinley."
- Wow. - I love history.
Possibly rare 48-star American flag.
Look at that.
Someone was supposed to take the Sears tag off of it.
- What's this? - "Civil War era cannonball."
Where's the cannonball?
- Flashlights. - I don't see it.
- Wait. Right there. Right there. - Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool.
TAYLOR: [On loudspeaker] Ladies and gentlemen...
our audiovisual presentation will commence in five minutes.
Five minutes, everybody.
- Hey, check out that painting. - Oh, yeah. Actually, that's pretty cool.
It's a possible circa-19th century portrait...
of what we think may have been the founder of a school...
that possibly educated Ben Franklin's cousins.
Nice.
- Oooh. - Aaah.
He just flat-out looked out of his face, right into my face...
and said to my face that he was lying.
Zach said that he was lying?
No. He lied from his face into my face...
about where he was going. That's what hurts the most. The lie.
Except for seeing him with that woman. That hurts most. More than the lie.
You'd think they'd stumble onto the truth. Just accidentally.
Say something like "two plus two equals four"...
just because they say so many things just accidentally. That's like...
- Man! - I know.
They just have to repopulate the species, you know?
- Just spread it around. - They like to spread it around, all right.
- I bet you Doyle's spreading it right now. - You don't know that he's spreading it.
This is tasty.
- I've had it. - Had what?
I'm getting to the bottom of this.
- Spank his bottom. - He can't do this.
We're friends, too, as well as lovers if we ever get married.
- She walks funny. - I'm thirsty.
This punch makes you thirsty.
- Where's the nearest bathroom? - No, Paris, no. Stay.
- I need to go to the bathroom. - You're going to call Doyle.
What? You've got my cell phone.
We're low-tech here in the Hollow, but we do have pay phones.
- I'm not going to call Doyle. - Yes, you are.
- I don't even have money on me. - Un-huh.
Fine. Take my shoes, okay?
How far can I get without my shoes?
- Now, bathroom? - Over there.
- I'll be right back. - Good.
Excuse me, could I trouble you for some change?
Excuse me, I just need some change to make a call. Could you...
I just need to make a call.
- Where are we going? - You'll see.
- What is this? - You wouldn't want me to spoil it.
TAYLOR: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome...
to the Stars Hollow Dioramic History Room Presentation.
Please stand toward the center of the room, and remember...
no talking, no smoking, and, please...
no lewd behavior of any kind during our presentation.
Hey.
Just getting the lewd behavior out of the way before the presentation.
It's the dawn of time.
And whether you believe that a supreme being created the Earth...
or in the more and more discredited theory of evolution...
one thing's for certain.:
Early man walked the land we are now on.
And while no printed records survive, there's no proof that the first tools...
weren't invented right here in Stars Hollow.
[Ape sounds coming from mannequin]
LORELAI: That wrench is really getting him hot.
- There's people. - That's half the fun.
Zooming forward in time to the founding of Stars Hollow...
the very first people to live on this land besides the Indians...
was the Jebediah family.
Good puritans, they were led by the humble Reverend Ezekiel.
With him was wife Louisa, daughter Harriet...
and young son Joseph, born without speech.
I wonder what that first conversation was...
when they rode up to their new home.
EZEKIEL: Whoa, boy. Good girl. You smell that air, Mother?
LOUISA: It smells like home, Ezekiel.
[Ezekiel chuckles]
And look at this fertile soil just a-wanting to yield crops.
It smells like home, Ezekiel.
But what of the young'uns?
What have they to say about their new home?
HARRIET: We can run in the woods, play games, and be schooled at home.
[Colonial music playing]
Hey, my divining rod is twitching. That means there's water aplenty.
Better get inside, children. It's time for supper.
Okay, Mother. I'm hungry. You hungry, too, Joseph?
Those stars, so bright. This forest, hollow.
What name should I give this place? Hollow, stars.
Hollow, stars...
No. Really? They're gonna leave us on a cliffhanger?
[Bluegrass music playing]
Sophie.
Jeez, Lane, I don't have time for coffee right now.
You owe me an explanation, you woman.
- What are you talking about? - You know what I'm talking about.
I looked to you as a role model.
Well, not anymore, except as a role model for heartbreak.
I know what you can offer him. You're bohemian and experienced...
familiar with the world of sensual pleasure.
Champagne, Times Square. I bet you even smoked a cigarette or two.
Oh, my God, your breath would stop an elephant.
You've not only been to New York, but you've lived there.
You know where the best bagels are, and you've been with men.
But you don't know him like I know him. It's cheap thrills for you, sister.
But I know what cleaning products he likes. Do you?
I'm not sure how to answer that.
It had to have been a moment of weakness because he doesn't like you. He likes me.
- Who? - Zach.
- Zach? - Zach.
Come here.
- Zach? - Lane.
- Talk. - Why are you playing a banjo?
It's a bluegrass band, okay?
I like bluegrass. I like jamming with these guys.
- And, yes, I like the banjo. - But why didn't you tell me?
Because we're rock and roll, Lane, you and me. I was embarrassed.
So the guys and I have been jamming on the sly here.
Sophie let us. I like the banjo.
Well, I like the banjo, too, when you're playing it.
- Really? - Yeah.
- It's kind of hot. - The guys are watching.
- Well, go back to your playing. - Cool.
Oh, and I got three things of Pine-Sol. I've been dying to tell you.
But there's been this weird thing between us.
- Lemon? - Yeah, 'cause I know that's what you like.
Let's hit it, boys.
Hey, I need some change here. Come on, damn it.
Yeah, keep walking.
[Emits a raspberry]
I need 50 cents. Come on, just 50 cents!
Watch it.
Get out of the street!
Give me 50 cents. Yeah, fall in a hole.
[Emits a raspberry]
Hey, it's Logan. Leave whatever message you want.
And if this is Finn, buddy, your voicemail's full again.
We're meeting at the Starwood, 9.:30, then just club-hopping from there.
There's 11 of us, so bring the Hummer.
Don't be more than a half hour late, and erase those stupid messages.
[Phone beeps]
Sanitation in wartime.
No one likes to think about it...
but in Stars Hollow, that's all we thought about.
A local manufacturer, Buff Rite...
was the sole supplier of all things pertaining to sanitation and hygiene...
for our boys in World War II.
Remember their snappy theme song?
WOMAN: [Singing] Walk light, smell right head held high with Buff Rite
TAYLOR.: Closed due to a dramatic drop in demand...
for its chief products, urinal cakes...
the Buff Rite factory nevertheless afforded...
hundreds of Stars Hollow residents healthy livelihoods.
[Cell phone ringing]
Sorry, that's me. I gotta take this.
- I'll meet you outside. I've seen enough. - And I can't get enough.
[Singing] Walk light smell right
Remember the '60s?
The town of Stars Hollow does. What a headache!
A veritable dark age culminating in a sit-in...
that gathered over 1,000 freaks from the Tri-County area.
Hello?
Hi, Lorelai, it's Sandra from American Travel.
Sandra, hi. Thanks for getting back to me so quickly.
- No problem. What's up? - I was just thinking about the interview.
It was great, by the way. Everyone's flipped for it here.
Oh, wonderful. Thank you.
But I just wanted to let you know, I think I may have crossed a line...
with the stuff about my mother.
- What? No, it was the best part. - Oh, so it's in the article?
It's not the dominant thing, but it's in. It's great color.
Right.
Well, I was wondering if maybe you could lose some of that color.
Would that screw things up too much?
But the stuff about your mother is great. My editor flipped.
- Wow. So it's already gone to an editor. - We turn things around quickly.
I guess so.
You know, Sandra, I would really like you to cut all the stuff about my mother.
It would be a big favor.
I would really rather not. It was a lot of work.
Okay, couldn't you just do a quick rewrite for a friend?
- We're not friends. - Oh, right.
Look, it's too late to change it.
The only other option we have is pulling it altogether.
- Pulling it? - Yeah, and just subbing in something else.
The whole article? The cover and everything?
- The whole thing. - Oh.
Look, don't worry about it. It's great. It flies by.
The readers are gonna love it, okay?
Okay, sure. Thanks for calling me back. Bye.
FATHER: I'm sure looking forward to work today.
MOTHER: Billy, put your Etch-A-Sketch away, and come sit down.
- What's this? - Modern life in Stars Hollow.
- Great breakfast, Mother. - Yeah, you've done it again, Mom.
I just love serving breakfast to my family.
And I love Jesus.
Look at these clamoring crowds, partner.
Yeah, people seem to be having a good time.
It was a rush job, but spectacular.
- It's more than I thought it would be. - Oh, way more.
I'm seriously considering going permanent with this.
What?
Well, I think we've got something here, something big.
A two-month run isn't enough.
We've at least got to hold it over through the summer.
- Taylor. - I'm thinking we should keep it...
open for at least a year even if it doesn't make money.
At that point, we've got the publicity, we've made the guidebooks.
My God, we'll have a Cooperstown-type attraction on our hands.
- Taylor, no. - What?
Are you blind? This place is a piece of crap.
- What? A piece of... - Look at it.
The old man's stuff, it's not even historical.
It's all a bunch of stuff that may have belonged to people...
that may have been distantly related to people...
who may have been historically meaningful.
- And the diorama. - I'll admit it's a little rough.
It's a joke.
Luke, I don't get it. You helped build this.
You were so cooperative.
Why are you turning on it like this? Turning on me?
- I want the house. - What?
I want this house, Taylor.
All my life, I've loved this house. They don't build them like this anymore.
- I mean, you saw the banisters, right? - Well, yeah, but...
You know, I've always said to myself...
if you're gonna have a family and buy a house, then it's got to be this house.
- Oh. - It's why I volunteered, okay?
I got involved in this whole thing to stay close to the house...
and keep on your good side, and you had the control.
I should have known that you were doing this for selfish reasons.
Taylor, look...
I know you don't like me. I can't change that.
I gotta be honest here. This museum is not gonna make it.
This property, its expenses, the taxes, the upkeep.
I mean, the floor broke through from just the cannonball.
It's gonna take money.
Do you want to keep a money-loser on the books?
Do you want that to be your legacy in Stars Hollow?
Because that's what this is, Taylor. It's a money pit.
Well, I don't want a money pit on the books.
Yeah, well, just keep it open for the two months, then sell it to me.
- I'll give you the best price, I swear. - A family. You mean, you and Lorelai?
Me and...
- whoever, yeah. - Oh.
Well, I'll think about it.
We have got to bring everyone we know to this thing immediately...
before the Nederlanders swoop in and whisk it away to Broadway.
And at $3 a pop. That crappy Abba show cost $100.
I gotta make a quick call. Maybe we'll go through again.
Once is not enough.
Sandra, hi, it's Lorelai Gilmore again.
Listen, I was thinking, and I think you should just pull the article.
Yeah, I'm sure, but thanks. Bye.
- So, was it all I said it would be? - And more.
I've gotta go through with Rory. Seen her anywhere?
I haven't seen her, no.
- Well. - What?
I just never really looked at this place before.
- Those columns and that brick. - Yeah.
- It's beautiful. - Yeah. It's a great house.
- Mom. - Rory, honey, what's wrong?
I don't feel good. I really don't feel good.
I think I can guess why. Come on, let's get you home.
You need help? Want me to drive?
That's okay. It's just five minutes. Come on.
Okay, Dean, come on. Don't give me that attitude. What's up?
What, is this still about the Pippi night? The Bop It?
Fine, you hate me. Whatever. You want to punch me? Go ahead.
I'm a terrible guy. I deserve it. Go ahead, take a shot.
I won't even fight back. Make you feel better, huh, buddy?
Just go back to your girlfriend.
- Fine, whatever. - While you got one.
- What's that supposed to mean? - What do you think it means?
I'm not playing games here.
Your situation's no different from mine, buddy.
- I've got work to do. - Then go.
They want more than this. Don't you see that?
And all you are is this.
Rory was a kid, Dean. She grew up. She moved on.
- Accept it. - You accept it.
This town, it's all you are, and it's not enough.
She's gonna get bored, and you can't take her anywhere.
- You're here forever. - It's different.
It's not different. You and me, same thing.
[Rory crying]
Why doesn't he like me?
Why doesn't he call me? What did I do?
[Shushing] Honey, it's okay. It's okay.
Mommy, I...
It's okay.