- Don't tell me this is what it looks like. - It's escargot.
- That's what it looks like. - Snails?
Escargot.
- Slimy thing by any other name... - They taste like garlic and butter.
Don't say "they." Food should not have pronouns.
- Give it a try. - But if I do...
and we're having road kill for the main course...
then I'll have used up my allotment of gross-out food for the day.
So I'll abstain.
We should strike escargot off the list of Friday-night dinner foods.
Sweetie loved escargot.
That's funny, how we remember those things.
Sweetie?
- Sweetie who? - Sweetie Nelson, one of my oldest friends.
- She passed away yesterday. - I'm sorry, Grandma.
- I've heard you mention her. - Was she sick?
She'd been ill for some time, but still...
- The family is pretty overwhelmed. - Davis called late today.
- The funeral is Sunday. - Was that her real name, Sweetie?
No, her name was Melinda. Sweetie was a nickname.
- Why? - What do you mean, why?
How did they get Sweetie from Melinda?
They didn't get Sweetie from Melinda. Sweetie is a nickname.
Yes, I know Sweetie is a nickname...
but usually a nickname comes from a version of your name...
or there's a story behind the name.
She was sweet. That's the story.
- Okay. - She had a very sweet nature.
What kind of story did you want, Lorelai?
That's fine. She was sweet. They called her Sweetie. It's a good story.
No, really, what kind of story about my departed friend would amuse you?
- It's not to amuse me... - All right, fine.
Sweetie's father was a very poor man.
So poor that Sweetie and her four siblings...
all had to sleep in a hollowed-out tree trunk...
because the house was only big enough for their parents.
One winter, there was no food, so Sweetie crawled out of her trunk...
wrapped her feet in newspaper...
and walked 40 miles in the snow to the nearest town...
where she stumbled into a candy store.
The owner took pity on her and gave her bags of candy...
a dill pickle, and drove her back to her family.
He promptly offered a job to her father, who gladly accepted...
and eventually owned that store...
and turned it into one of the most important candy emporiums in the world.
That is how she got the name Sweetie. There, how was that?
Now, that was a pretty good story.
I'm sorry, Emily, did you say the funeral is Sunday?
Yes. Is that a problem?
Mr. Hamoto is in town, and Jason has set up golf for him...
and then there's lunch after that.
- What time is the service? - Noon.
Noon, that's cutting it very close.
How important is it for me to be at the funeral?
- Not important at all. - Fine, then.
Be sure to give them my condolences.
Of course. Eat your food.
- I think one of them is still alive. - Lorelai.
No, seriously.
He was over near the radish, like, five minutes ago.
- This doesn't smell right. - Smells fine, Kirk.
- I think the eggs were bad. - The eggs are fine.
Were they cooked in the fish pan?
They smell like they were cooked in the fish pan.
The eggs were cooked in the egg pan.
Was the fish pan next to the egg pan, because perhaps...
- I need something with cheese. - Lorelai, smell my eggs.
Not today, Kirk. Where's Luke?
I want him to make that breakfast quesadilla thing.
- Luke's not here. - Where is he?
He knows the exact right jack-to-cheddar ratio.
- He's out there. Over there with Nicole. - Looks like a serious talk.
There have been zero light moments.
I wish I knew what they were talking about.
I can tell you what they're saying.
- How? - I read lips. My girlfriend taught me.
It's so we can have quiet time...
and keep the conversation going at the same time.
She just said, "Hardwood Sponge is the authority..."
"Of the hostile biographer."
Then he responded, "Just phone cords to original samovars."
- That doesn't make any sense. - Must mean they're on to us.
- They've switched to code. - I don't think they're speaking in code.
Luke's heading back. He just got up and said, "Feel your taters".
Is it possible he said, "I'll see you later"?
- No, I'm pretty sure about this one. - Kirk, I'm so sorry.
We accidentally made the eggs in the fish pan.
I don't know why everybody in this town always thinks I'm crazy.
You've got to be kidding.
I certainly am not kidding. This is serious.
It's not plagiarism.
Do you also like to shout "fire" in a crowded theater?
This is a newsroom.
- Don't use the "p" word. - Every word in my piece...
- was written by me. - Was it?
Look at this. "Small band of followers."
"Rain-soaked highway."
- I've seen both before. - Of course you've seen them before.
Those are phrases used to talk about...
a small band of followers or a rain-soaked highway.
They're not even clichés like "shouting 'fire' in a crowded theater".
Can you say "Stephen Glass"?
The entire climate of journalistic ethics is under a microscope right now.
We can't afford anything that looks shady.
I'd rather not have Tobey Maguire playing me in a movie...
about the Yale Daily News scandal, thanks very much.
I get that. But I don't think my "rain-soaked highway" looks shady.
Typical. It's your attitude.
- What attitude? - Look around this room.
People writing their anthro papers on our computers.
People Xeroxing phone bills on our copy machines.
No one's running, no one's sweating.
Every person in this room looks extremely well-rested.
No one spell-checks or fact-checks.
This is the breeding ground for the next Jayson Blair.
Fix it. And tidy up your desk!
And my month is up.
- What? - You're the new dog to kick around here.
I feel bad, 'cause you tend to be a pretty decent person...
but my nose has been whacked with a paper so many times...
it almost makes me miss my mother.
- Doyle's just in a bad mood. - "Herd mentality"?
- Are you freaking kidding me? - Welcome to the dollhouse.
Michel, come on, we've got to get into these budgets.
Now.
- Does the red light mean it's programmed? - I explained it a hundred times.
You've been setting that machine for 20 minutes now.
- The man can't live without his dog show. - I could just kill my cable provider.
"No Westminster dog show..."
"But enjoy Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle 24 hours a day."
There, it's recording.
- Get over here. - I just want to see the chows.
MICHEL: [Laughing] Look at that one strut.
You know you're a pretty girl, don't you?
Yes, with those I-need-some-loving eyes.
Is he doing tricks?
It sounds like they're turning them. Hello.
- Lorelai, it's me. Do you have a moment? - Sure.
- Your grandmother. She's gone. - What?
Last night. She had a heart attack. The maid found her in the morning.
But I didn't even know her heart was a thing.
- Was her heart a thing? Did we know that? - No, it was quite unexpected.
- There wasn't any warning at all. - But we just saw her.
I know. It's a complete shock.
How is Dad?
He's completely fallen apart.
From the moment he heard the news, he's been almost incoherent.
He's in his office now with the Scotch, and he wants turtleneck soup.
- Asks for it over and over. - What's turtleneck soup?
Apparently something his mother used to have made for him...
when he was a little boy. Now he wants some...
and I can't seem to find anybody who has any idea what it is.
All right, the pugs are up next. They're ugly. Let's do this.
- [Whispering] Heart attack... Grandmother. - What?
Dead grandmother, Michel. Mom, have you looked on the Internet?
- For what? - For turtleneck soup. You could Google it.
- Can I "Google it"? - Okay, never mind.
Do you have any idea what turtleneck soup could be?
Mock turtle soup?
- Think he means mock turtle soup? - Maybe that's what he said.
- Is there such a thing? - I think so.
Can you make mock turtle soup?
I never tried, but I think I have a recipe for it somewhere here.
Mom, Sookie's tracking down the soup. What else can I do?
Nothing. If you can find the soup, that'll be enough.
- You'll tell Rory? - Yeah, I'll tell Rory.
All right, I have to go. Your grandmother left very specific instructions...
on exactly how she wants her funeral to be, so I have a hundred things to do.
I'll be there with the soup as soon as I can.
- All right. Goodbye. - Bye.
I'm gonna have to go.
No problem. One huge vat of mock turtle soup coming up.
- Do you need a hug? - Thanks, I'm okay. I have to call Rory.
- You'll call me when the soup's ready? - I'm on it.
I have to go.
Michel, you'll take care of the papers and the landscaping plans?
- Yes, I will. Go, go. - Okay, purse, coat, keys. I'm gone.
- Michel? - Yes.
I think I'll take that hug now.
- A little weird, huh? - Extremely.
Heart in the right place, but never again?
Thank God.
Yes, I understand the Reverend's retired. You said that four times.
But my mother-in-law... [Doorbell ringing]
Specifically requested him for the service.
Isn't there any forwarding information?
- I got the soup. - I will hold while you look.
Thank God. He's in his study.
Take that in to him and see if you can get him to eat.
Yes, I'm still here. Miraculous, isn't it? A phone number. How...
[Upbeat '20s jazz instrumental paying]
- Hey, Dad. - Lorelai?
Yeah...
I have something for you. Mock turtle soup.
- Mock turtle soup? - Sookie made it.
Mock turtle soup.
[Crying]
Soup's gone.
No soup here. Who mentioned soup? This is definitely a no-soup zone.
- The music's nice. - She loved Kay Kyser.
She wasn't really a musical woman. Music was a little frivolous for her.
But Kay Kyser.
Yeah. She's great.
Kay Kyser's a man.
His parents had an ugly sense of humor, then.
Boy.
She was a saint. The woman was a saint.
Here, Dad.
I learned everything from that woman.
"Life is a battle."
"And you either enter it armed or you surrender immediately."
That is what she told me on my tenth birthday.
I never forgot that. No, no one...
was as strong as that woman.
That wonderful woman...
that saint of a woman.
Dad.
I'm fine.
I just have to deal with this...
- regret. - What regret, Dad?
You and Gran were so close.
The last words we exchanged, we exchanged in anger.
But, Dad, that's...
I lost my temper, and I was disrespectful.
And that's the way it ended.
With an argument and hateful words.
Dad, you know, that was one little fight.
One little fight between you and Gran doesn't wipe away years of...
That woman raised me, and she taught me.
And she took care of the family, even after Father died.
And I spoke to her as if I owed her nothing.
As if she was like anyone else in the world...
and not the saint of a woman that she was.
Dad.
You only have one set of parents, Lorelai.
Remember that. I forgot.
Now I have to live with that for the rest of my life.
- You mentioned soup. - What?
- When you came in. - Yes, soup. I have soup.
Mom mentioned...
that you were talking about mock turtle soup.
- You really should eat something, Dad. - I need a spoon.
Yes. I'll get you a spoon.
You just sit right there. I'll be right back with your spoon.
But it used to be Martelli's Florist, yes?
Okay, do you have any idea where Martelli's moved to?
Before he died, did Mr. Martelli pass his trade on...
to any of the other Martellis?
- Yes, I'll hold. How is he doing? - He needs a spoon.
- He's going to eat? - He's going to eat.
Thank God. Take an apple.
See if you can get him to eat an apple. I'm here.
Yes, I will take the simple stepson's number.
Thank you. I will speak slowly. Thank you.
Not that one. And take some bread, too.
- How are the arrangements coming? - She made them 20 years ago.
So the reverend is retired, the florist has moved...
and two of the pallbearers are not with us.
Luckily both had sons who look like them, so I think we can get away with it.
- I'll bring this stuff to Dad. - I'll call the florist's idiot stepson.
RICHARD: Emily.
I'm right here, Richard. What's wrong?
This is outrageous. They've completely ruined it.
- Who ruined what? - Trix's obituary.
The Courant just faxed it through. It's disgraceful. I'll sue them.
Just calm down.
"Lorelai Gilmore died this week at age 86.
"A member of the prominent Gilmore family..."
"And widow of Charles Abbott Gilmore..."
"She is survived by a son, Richard Gilmore..."
"And numerous other family members and devoted friends."
- It's... - It's an insult.
That's all they write?
Nothing about her charity work, or her collecting, or her travels?
Not a word about the new maternity wing she donated to St. Joseph's!
You tell me where all of the fine people of Hartford...
are supposed to have all their babies, if it weren't for my mother. Tell me that!
Calm down. We will take care of it.
She was a saint, that woman.
We will make sure it says "saint" somewhere in the article.
- You're sure? - Don't worry, Dad.
Because it's very wrong!
- Dad, I got your spoon. - I'm not hungry.
Wonderful. Yet another thing I have to take care of.
Mom, why don't you let me help out a little?
I'm happy to do it. I'll bring coffee, a Danish.
You've never had so much fun with death in your life.
I appreciate the offer, but I have it all under control.
I should probably take off, then.
- Goodbye. Thank Sookie for me. - I will.
Hello, I'm looking for Manny Martelli.
What time do you expect him back from the science-fiction convention?
Yes.
Hold on a minute, please?
I have to go to Gran's house tomorrow, to sort through her papers.
Two cherry Danish coming up.
I would like to leave a message.
[Cell phone ringing]
- Hello? - It's me.
Nigella just made a raisin cake that looked so good...
the fact that raisins make me gag became totally irrelevant.
Good, more ordering choices.
My God, she's about to deep-fry a Bounty Bar.
I want to move in with her and call her Mommy. Do you mind?
- Honey, I have to tell you something. - You sound sad.
Yeah, Gran died.
- What? When? - Last night. She had a heart attack.
- Are you okay? - How's Grandpa?
- He's been better. - What should I do?
- Can I do something? - No, it's all taken care of.
- When's the funeral? - Friday, and there's a wake after.
- I don't remember if you have a class. - Doesn't matter. I'll make it work.
- I was just getting to know her. - I think you got a pretty good snapshot.
Shouldn't I be crying? I feel like I should be crying.
- You didn't know her that well. - Still, she was my great-grandmother.
I mean, I should feel more. God, what if I don't cry at the funeral?
Then everyone will see I'm not crying, and Grandpa will be upset.
Honey, if you can't cry, you can work yourself up...
into a very respectable panic attack.
- It might have to do. - You're an amazing kid.
She was so lucky to have you as a great-granddaughter.
Do you want me to come by tonight...
pick you up, take you to Tijuana, get you drunk and laid?
That's okay. I've got work to do.
Okay, call me if you want to talk or whatever.
I will.
- I love you, hon. - I love you, too, Mom.
This looks like, what a shock, another incoherent legal document.
Hand it to me.
"House insurance policy."
Hand it to me.
Mom, seriously, I can do more than just hand you stuff.
That's all right. I have a system.
Yes. You don't think I can work within the system, but I can.
I have no plans to overthrow the system. Just teach me the system.
Just hand me some papers.
Emily, we finished cataloging the second floor...
- and we're about to move to the third. - That's fine.
And we have bubble-wrapped those bar glasses.
- Where do you want us to put them? - In the trunk of my car...
along with the candlesticks.
- My keys are in the foyer. - All right.
- What was that about? - I'm preparing for the funeral.
Stashing bar glasses is preparing for the funeral?
Those bar glasses are supposed to stay in the family.
They go to us, then to you.
Every time a certain relative of your father's comes to visit...
things tend to disappear.
Dad's got a Winona in the family? How cool. Who is it?
His cousin Marilyn.
She has been systematically pilfering those bar glasses...
- for the last five years. - Really?
Plus I saw her eyeing the candlesticks last Easter.
I'll be damned if I let her get them.
So much to do.
Did I tell you about the burial-cremation clause?
Now you're just making stuff up.
Your grandmother is to have an open-casket ceremony...
displayed in all her glory, then is to be cremated...
and have her ashes divided in two.
Half to be buried with her husband in the family crypt...
and the other half to be put in an urn and placed on our mantelpiece.
Half of Gran is going to be on your mantel forever.
Staring at me, judging me, disapproving of me.
Apparently it's the top half.
When I first found out, I almost had a coronary, but I've accepted it.
From now on, it's a three-person household...
your father, me and her urn.
You know, it's so weird. I know so little about Gran.
- What was her maiden name? - Gilmore.
- No, her maiden name. - Gilmore.
Wait. You're not saying...
- She and Charles were second cousins. - What?
Don't act so scandalized.
It was not at all uncommon for prominent families...
to keep the bloodlines close.
- Is that what we're calling it? - What would you call it?
How about "Good Morning, Appalachia?"
"I got a mighty cute sister, and an extra set of toes."
- No one has any extra toes. - I have a double-jointed thumb.
Remarkable. Use it to hand me some more papers, please.
I'm sorry, but I don't understand how everyone was so okay with this.
What, did they just go:
"What a cute couple. They look so much alike"?
- Mom? - This is to your father.
It's a carbon copy of a letter she sent to your father.
That's nice.
"My dearest Richard, it is with heavy heart...
"that I write you this letter tonight...
"but I cannot stand by and let you make a terrible mistake.
"Until now, I had thought, hoped, prayed...
"you would come to the same conclusion I have.
"But you have not.
"Therefore I feel it is my duty, as your mother...
"to beg you to reconsider your impending marriage.
"I'm sure that Emily...
"is a very suitable woman for someone, but not for you."
"She will not be able to make you happy."
"She does not have the Gilmore stamina or spark."
"She is simply not a Gilmore."
Sure, because you weren't directly related to him.
"I don't know the circumstances surrounding your breakup with Pennilyn...
"but it's still my belief..."
"That she is much better suited for you than Emily."
"I know the timing of this..."
"Is particularly awkward, since you are to be married tomorrow."
No way!
"But your happiness is too important to me..."
"So timing be damned."
She wanted Dad to leave you at the altar.
She begged him to leave me at the altar!
She begged him in writing, and then she saved the carbons!
- Holy moly! Can I see that? - I can't believe this.
I'm standing here in her basement, covered in dust.
I'm organizing her estate and cataloging her things.
I've been on the phone for days, trying to make sure...
everything was exactly the way she wanted it...
and all this time she never even wanted me in her family!
Man, she sure used a lot of exclamation points.
That's just fine, because I am done.
Done?
I'm done planning, running around, and calling people.
I'm done with that woman.
But Dad...
Skipped my best friend's funeral to golf...
- that's what your dad did! - We have to plan this funeral.
Find a box, throw her in, we're done!
Better yet, throw the old harpy's carcass in a ditch!
Let a wolverine eat her.
Okay, but, see, finding a wolverine near a ditch...
- that takes planning. - Do whatever you want.
I'm having a drink. Would you like a drink?
I can't do it, Mom. I don't know the system.
- Bank info? - Hand it to me.
- I cannot believe that story. - Yeah, trust me...
the Brothers Grimm were in the corner, yelling, "No way".
- And she just walked out? - Yep.
- Jewelry appraisal? - Hand it to me.
- Why don't you tell me where to put it? - No, because I have a system.
That letter sounds awful.
- It was. - And really cruel.
So cruel, so completely cruel that I'm wondering...
if Gran didn't know Mom was gonna find it.
Stop. It's too mean.
I don't wanna think there's that meanness in my genes.
I don't want to inherit that.
Who knows what we've inherited from that woman.
- Count your toes lately? - What are you talking about?
- I've been saving the best for last. - You're kidding.
Do you know what Gran's maiden name was?
- What? - Gilmore.
Grandpa Charles was her second cousin.
- No. - Yes.
What does that mean about us?
What if that's caused, like, a horrible genetic mutation...
that hasn't shown up yet?
- Our eyes. - We each have two of them.
I thought it was neat that our eyes look similar...
but now I don't know.
- Is it creepy? - I don't know, is it?
I think it's creepy.
Okay, just hand me some more stuff. Stop staring at my eyes. Come on.
What else do you have to do?
I haven't tracked down this Reverend Wilder yet...
I got some mysterious message from the place that made her headstone.
So I have to go see about that. Then there's just the random stuff.
- What random stuff? - For instance...
Gran requested she be buried in fresh clothing.
- What is fresh clothing? - I don't know. Clean clothing?
Clothes fresh from the cleaners? New clothes?
Clothes with a mountain-fresh scent?
- I think it's new clothing. - It's safest, isn't it?
So add that to the list with the headstone. Then there's the obituary.
What about the obituary?
The paper wrote something, but Dad thinks it's not good enough...
so I have to rewrite her death announcement.
I should let Mom do it. I believe it would go, "Yay".
Can I do it? I want to help.
We have access to a database at the Yale paper...
that would make it easy to research.
- Honey, that would be great. Thank you. - My pleasure.
I just feel really bad for Grandpa, losing his mother.
- They were really close. - Yeah. It's sad.
Gran and her husband had the same great-grandfather.
Try not to think about it.
[Doorbell ringing]
Hello?
Mom, Dad?
Look at all this stuff.
Mom, are you here?
Yeah. Where's the maid?
You got a condolence moat going on out here.
[Lorelai exclaiming in awe]
I told Hilda to take the day off. Nothing's happening here.
I think every delivery boy in town would beg to differ.
What? Oh, those. Just put those anywhere.
I have to read The Crimson Petal and the White...
for my book club.
Sookie, what a pleasant surprise. What are you doing here?
I brought Sookie so she could check the equipment for the wake.
- Who the hell are you? - I'm so sorry, Emily.
- About what? - About Richard's mother dying.
Are you?
- Would you like a cigarette? - No, thank you.
Well, then. More for me.
I think she broke.
- Mom, what's going on? - I'm just gonna go to the kitchen.
- Mom! - Lorelai, please, I'm reading.
[Doorbell ringing]
- Okay. - If you're going by the bar...
my drink could use a little freshening up.
You're drink is fresh enough.
And put that cigarette out!
- Hi, Jason. - I didn't know you were gonna be here.
Yeah, the white rabbit ran by.
I chased him, fell down a hole, and here I am.
- So how's everybody doing? - Dad's a mess...
and Mom starts work at the truck stop next week.
- Are you holding up? - I am. Thanks for asking.
- It's what I'm here for. - Really?
No. I have to get your father's signature on some papers.
- Mom, where's Dad? - How the hell do I know?
- Boy, she sounds really upset. - He's probably in his study.
- Okay, thanks. - Careful.
- Jason. - Richard, I am so sorry to hear...
[Richard sobbing]
Who was that at the door?
It was Jason. Dad needs to sign something.
Why don't I start putting some of these baskets away?
Whatever.
Then maybe I could start writing some thank-you notes.
Fine. I think there's some Post-its in the kitchen.
Mom...
I know how hurt you are.
That letter was terrible.
But there's still a lot of stuff that has to get done.
I know. You're right.
Say, I've got an idea.
Why don't you call Pennilyn Lott and have her plan the funeral?
She's the one that was supposed to be planning it anyhow...
so I say let her do it.
Need something, Sookie?
I was just wondering if it's okay...
to set up a buffet in the dining room?
I don't know. What do you think Pennilyn Lott would do?
Think she'd set it up in the dining room? Because, personally...
I think we should just toss some cheese cubes in the coffin...
stuff some toothpicks in her mouth, and let the people go to town.
- Is she serious? - The dining room's fine.
Good.
Excuse me.
- Did you see that hug? - Yes, I saw the hug.
- It didn't end. - I know.
It was the hug that wouldn't end. And he was wearing a robe.
- Yes, apparently we're a robe family now. - And he was crying.
I am really bad at comforting people.
I say completely inappropriate things.
Bad jokes, with words like "Nantucket" in them.
- Did you get what you needed? - Yeah, thanks.
Then I guess I'll see you at the funeral tomorrow?
Yeah, about the actual funeral... I can't do funerals.
You have to do funerals. This was your partner's mother.
I understand, but funerals have way too much emotion for me.
- The death and the hugging. - Are you serious?
When I was 10, my family went through a terrible period.
Once a month, somebody died. For a year, they were dropping like flies.
- It completely freaked me out. - Fine, don't come.
But you had better lie to my father and tell him you did.
I am very comfortable with that compromise.
- Give my condolences to your mother. - All right. See you later.
That was Jason again. He had to go.
- He wanted me to tell you hello for him. - Jason. Your father loves that boy.
I know he does.
You know who else would love that boy? Pennilyn Lott.
I'm gonna go get started on those thank-you cards.
Remember to thank Pennilyn Lott just for being Pennilyn Lott.
I'm almost done. I promise I'll get it to the paper this afternoon.
This is a really big help, my friend. I owe you.
No, it was really interesting.
I never knew all of these things about Gran.
- Was the extra-toe thing in there? - No...
but did you know she took care of wounded soldiers...
that were shipped back here during World War ll?
She also studied at the Sorbonne and at Oxford...
and met three presidents.
- Which ones? - Kennedy, Johnson and Nixon.
There's this amazing picture of her frowning at Nixon...
- like she knew he was up to something. - Really?
She was some kind of something, wasn't she?
- Yes, she kind of was. - I just love that she wanted something...
I got to go. Hi, Doyle.
Did you read the typo in The New York Times today?
- This is personal. - Yes, it is.
You're using newspaper resources to work on something personal...
in direct defiance of what I was warning about the other day.
- But this is different. - It is?
- If I can just... - Goodie. Here comes the defense.
What'll it be? "I'm looking something up for a friend."
"The professor didn't give me enough time."
"I was just browsing through the archives, and I got distracted."
My grandmother is dead.
Oh, no.
Yes, she died two days ago, suddenly, and we were close.
I'm just trying to give her an obituary...
that is fitting for the great woman that she was.
- I didn't know. - You didn't ask.
My grandmother died in December, and it was...
I'm still not over it. I know exactly what you're going through.
Keep going, please. I'm sorry.
It's okay. And thank you.
- Last week, you know what I did? - No.
I picked up the phone to call her. Isn't that sad? I actually forgot.
Then, of course, it hit me all over again.
- I hope that doesn't happen to you. - Me, too.
She smelled a little like coffee.
I still can't walk past any place that makes coffee.
The girl I was dating was a barista. I had to break up with her.
We weren't that close. And it wasn't my grandmother.
It was my great-grandmother.
I dropped the "great" to make the whole thing sound sadder.
I don't know anything about her, until today.
I'm so sorry.
I'm just gonna pack up and go straight to hell now.
My grandmother was a very special woman.
She drove me to my prom...
and I'd be a poor man if I'd never known her.
Finish the obituary.
- What? - What?
Everybody should get to know their grandmother.
But it was her great-grandmother, didn't you hear?
You take Rory's piece on the new parking rules, okay?
My month lasts a month. Your month lasts three days.
Yes, sirree, folks, that is my life!
LUKE: I don't want to talk now. NICOLE: I wanna talk about this right now!
- I don't have time. I have customers! - Quit yelling at me.
I am trying to have a conversation.
Kirk, good, I've been... What are we listening to?
- Again? - Yep.
- Who needs to order? - I do.
Go ahead.
I'll have a chef's salad.
- Dressing? - Oil and vinegar on the side.
Crackers or roll?
- Get the crackers. - I'll have the...
- What? - Are you coming back?
- I'm working. - We were having a discussion...
- and you just got up and left. - I thought we were done!
I was in the middle of the word "September."
[Sighing] Okay, come on.
Go ahead.
- We were in the middle of a conversation! - We were yelling. It was a fight.
- We weren't yelling. - It felt like yelling.
- We won't yell. We'll talk. - Fine, talk.
- What about you? - You're the one who wanted to talk.
- Let's talk. - You don't want to talk?
I don't have anything to say!
Yeah. Me either.
[Luke sighing]
- Nicole. - What?
You going back to our place?
Our place?
Our place.
Funny.
[Doorbell ringing]
Dad, why are you answering the door?
I heard it ring, so...
The maid's taken the day off again?
I suppose so. Rory, it's nice to see you.
- I'm so sorry, Grandpa. - Thank you, Rory.
How are you?
I'm having a devil of a time with this tie.
- You're not wearing any shoes. - What? Yeah, shoes.
- Dad, can't Mom help you with the tie? - Yes.
I don't know where she's gotten to.
There are a lot of plans to make. Someone sent us four hams.
Can you imagine? Four hams.
- Mom, there you are. - Rory, you look very nice.
- I brought a dress to change into. - What you're wearing is fine.
Lorelai, here, I just finished reading. I think you'll really like it.
It's about this prostitute named Sugar, in Victorian England.
She starts rising through the ranks of society...
and she meets these really vivid characters!
You don't have to tell me the whole story now.
I'm not giving anything away. It's all on the back.
Dad? Follow him. Point out doors and windows.
Got it.
Mom, you might want to go get ready now.
Nonsense. We have hours.
Want a drink? Today I learned how to make mojitos.
Mom, today especially, you might want to be early...
since we're the ones throwing the funeral.
Fine.
There you go. Go on upstairs. Put on a dress, a black dress.
- I got him to sit down. - Okay, pillow. Soft. Good.
- You're right, they're a little nutty. - Yeah, with extra nuts on top.
I have to check and make sure...
that Sookie's kitchen stuff made it over here.
I have to call the airline, make sure the Reverend got on the plane.
I have to check in with the headstone... Underwear.
- That took a turn. - My God.
I delivered Gran's clothes to the funeral home...
but I forgot to include underwear.
- Gran's going commando? - No, I'll have to go buy some.
- Wait a minute. Who's going to know? - I'll know. Just stay here.
Keep an eye on your Grandpa. I'll be right back.
This whole section is our two-for-one sale.
- Listen. - Shannon.
Shannon, I need to buy something for my grandmother.
- Any particular style? - Something respectable, upstanding.
You got anything that came over on the Mayflower?
We have this whole line of really terrific panties...
and they have a built-in tummy panel that older women really love.
- Tummy panel sounds great. - What size is she?
Size? She's tiny but strong.
She looks like she could take a punch.
But she wears these big dresses...
so who knows what's going on under there.
I'm sorry, she wore big dresses.
She wore big dresses, 'cause she's dead.
Do you have any idea what "fresh clothing" means?
- No. - Neither do I.
I'm guessing it means new, and that's why I'm here, because...
I have to do all the planning now, because my mother found the note.
The stupid note.
Who writes a note like that and keeps the carbon?
- I don't... - My grandmother, that's who...
my grandmother who wants fresh clothing...
and a 4,000-year-old minister. And who wants to be cremated...
and put in a jar on top of my mother's mantelpiece...
to sit up there and judge for all eternity.
I bet your family's looking really great to you...
- right about now, huh? - Yes, they are.
Yeah. Oh, God.
I'm just babbling.
I'm standing in underwire heaven, just babbling like a crazy person.
I should just pick something...
because, I mean, what difference does it make?
She's dead. You know, the woman is dead.
She can't tell what she's wearing or who bought it for her.
She can't see the mess she's left behind...
so I'll just... I'll take this.
- That's a small. - Hello. She's dead. The woman is dead.
She can't tell if it's the right size!
She wanted fresh clothes, and I'm here buying her fresh clothes.
So if she has a problem with the size or the strawberry print...
then she can rise from the dead, come back here, and yell at me herself.
Because you know what? If anyone could, that tough, old, crazy, wonderful broad...
would be the one.
You take Visa, right?
Okay, so, according to this, we're almost home.
I just pull this through there, which looks promising, and we're done.
Now you just do the final adjusting.
- That's not bad. - Fourth time's the charm.
Very handy little sheet. Where'd you get it?
Off the Internet. You can find anything there.
Very nice.
Do you want to keep it, the diagram?
I don't think I'll be needing it much around the dorm.
In that case, I will. Thank you, Rory.
All we need is your jacket and your shoes, and you're ready.
Yes, I suppose so.
You know, the suit I wore when we buried my father...
I was never able to wear it again.
It was brand-new, a very nice suit. Custom-made.
It was my first custom-made suit.
I told your grandmother it didn't fit anymore...
but really I just didn't want to see it again.
I suppose this is going to be it for this suit, too.
So I hear you're doing the eulogy?
I'm her son.
- Are you gonna be okay doing that? - I'll have to be, I suppose.
Because if you find yourself...
feeling unsteady about it, I can do it.
I did a lot of reading about Gran for the obituary...
and I think I can do her justice.
- She had a life, didn't she? - She really did.
I thank you for your offer...
but this is my responsibility. I will be fine.
I'm sure you will.
However, if something happens, and I find myself, let us say...
a tad more emotional than I would like...
I got your back, Grandpa.
Did you go shopping? I've been sitting here waiting for you.
RICHARD: Thank you. Thanks so much for coming.
- Appreciate it. - Nice job with the eulogy, Gilmore.
I've always found that a well-tied bow tie...
can have a very steadying effect.
Richard, she was a hell of a lady.
I don't know what the hospital board will do without her.
I appreciate both of you coming. Have you met my granddaughter, Rory?
- No, I don't believe we have. - Nice to meet you, Rory.
Nice to meet you, too. I'm gonna go get a soda. Excuse me.
- She's lovely, Richard. - Inside and out.
- How's he doing? - Not bad. He's holding it together.
Partly because all these people are here, but I think he's doing better.
Good.
So what did you think of Gran's fabulous, fresh clothing?
- I thought it was very sophisticated. - Thank you.
But don't think, for a second, that I didn't notice...
the Hello Kitty bracelet you put on her.
A little something special from me and you, for all eternity.
So there she was...
dragging poor Charles around Egypt, of all places.
The man detested sand.
So of course Lorelai wanted to go and see the Pyramids right away.
He was dragging his feet. He wanted to go to the hotel.
He said, "Lorelai, those Pyramids have been there for thousands of years..."
"So they can wait another day."
And she said, "You didn't marry the Pyramids."
"You married me, and I won't wait another hour."
And she jumped on a camel and rode away.
Dragged the camel's owner behind her for over a mile.
Man almost died.
There she is. Lorelai, come here.
Say hello to your father's favorite cousin.
- Hi, Marilyn. - Look at you.
You look just like your picture.
You know, your grandmother had this picture of you...
right smack-dab in the middle of her entryway.
You would walk in the door, she would point to the picture...
and she would say, "This is my granddaughter, Lorelai.
- "She's not married." - That's a terrific story.
You are stunning. My God, tell me you're an idiot, I beg you.
I have my moments. How's that?
And you, miss, am I possibly related to you also?
Yes, this is my daughter, Rory.
It is a thrill to meet you both.
Horrible circumstances, I suppose. Anyway, angels, tell me...
when you were last over at your grandmother's house...
did you possibly notice some darling little bar glasses?
Bar glasses?
Crystal, with this little gold-leaf pattern around?
- No, I don't think so. - I was just wondering.
They weren't valuable, just sentimental.
I used to admire them as a small child.
Sure, what little kid doesn't have a fascination with bar glasses?
- If you ever do see them... - Yes, I'll let you know.
I'm sorry, I have to go check the caterer.
Go. I can visit with Rory.
Okay. I heard you talking about Gran in Egypt.
She loved Egypt. Actually, she loved anyplace exotic.
Did she ever tell you about the time she was stranded in Istanbul?
No. I actually didn't know her very well.
- That's a terrible shame. - I think so, too.
It was a lovely service. You did a wonderful job.
- Thank you. - It seems like we're hitting that age...
where we're going to be going to a lot of these things.
Time to invest in a second black suit, I suppose.
Excuse me. Bring my husband a Manhattan...
and make sure the hors d'oeuvres start with him.
He has to eat something.
I think philosophy may be one of my favorite subjects right now.
- Second cousin. - Got to go.
Wait, I'll come with you.
Reverend Wilder, hi. Thank you so much...
for coming all the way from Florida to be with us.
- Gran would have been so pleased. - Thank you. I was happy to do it.
- And you are? - I'm Lorelai Gilmore.
Didn't I just bury you?
No, Reverend, I'm the one who talked to you on the phone...
and I picked you up from the airport.
- Really? - That was a different Lorelai.
This is her granddaughter. This is the reigning Lorelai.
How nice. And who are you?
This is Gran's niece, Marilyn.
You remember me from when I was younger.
You married me to my first husband, Theodore.
I did?
It would be easier on all of us if you can just pretend to remember.
That's probably a good idea.
[Lorelai sighing in exhaustion]
How are you holding up?
My feet are killing me.
How's the rest of you?
The rest of me? The rest of me is fine.
You know, Mom, she may have written that letter...
but he picked you.
I can't believe you wore those shoes to a funeral.
I'm going to go get a stuffed mushroom now.
Thank you again.
- Your tie is crooked. Have you eaten? - Yes.
Every five minutes, it seems...
a young man would show up at my side with a tray of food.
- Your doing, I suppose. - Could be.
- There, that's better. - So, I've been thinking.
- Yes? - I'm not so sure...
the mantel is the best place for Gran's ashes.
- What? - The ledge is too small.
It wouldn't be appropriate.
- But her wishes? - Being buried with my father...
seems right. Don't you agree?
Whatever you want, Richard.
MARILYN: There she is, Aunt Lorelai, already in her 70s, mind you...
and the blizzard has her trapped in that old house for a week...
with no heat, no running water.
The local police finally came and dug her out...
and handed her some hot tea. And you know what she does?
First of all, she complains that the tea is too hot.
Then she sends them a bill for carpet cleaning...
because they tracked in snow.
So you ditched the cousin?
Yeah, we ran into a sister, and how could I compete?
Sure. How are you doing?
I'm feeling sadder about Gran, but feeling sadder...
is making me feel less guilty about not feeling sad.
- So things are looking up. - Good.
So, apparently, I am now the reigning Lorelai.
- I guess you are. - It's a lot of responsibility.
It's mostly ceremonial stuff nowadays, declaring knighthoods...
opening supermarkets, but now and then...
you get to banish someone or pose for a stamp.
Neat. And coins.
Someday you'll be the reigning Lorelai.
- I don't like that idea. - Why not? You get a cape.
Because if I'm the reigning Lorelai, that means you'll be gone.
Gone? No, not me. I'll step down way before that.
I'm not gonna pull a Queen Elizabeth on you...
make you wait around forever...
force you to develop interests in polo and architecture.
- I am scared of horses. - I know that.
So there's a cape, huh?