This is nice, isn't it?
[Classical instrumental music playing]
- So, Grandma, Grandpa is traveling again? - Yes, he is.
- Business must be good. - Seems to be.
That's great. Isn't that great, Mom?
A jig is forthcoming.
Mom's business is great, too.
I mean, not that it's without its problems, you know...
but they're usually funny problems, like...
Mom, why don't you tell Grandma about the mouse?
- What mouse? - Mom?
- There's a mouse at the inn. - Is the place dirty?
No. It's just surrounded by this thing called nature and mice happen.
- Mice carry diseases. - It's a tiny little field mouse, Mom.
I don't care how big it is. It's still a rodent.
- Let's change the subject. - You should set a trap.
- Got it covered. - Make sure you don't use poison.
- Got it covered. - They'll eat the poison...
go into the walls and die, decompose, and the entire place will smell.
I've got it covered, but thanks.
I don't know why you're the one sitting here with an attitude.
- I'm the one who should be mad. - Let's not do this.
You're the one who walked out last week without saying a word.
I couldn't get a word in.
- We were shocked and upset. - So what else is new?
You didn't give us five minutes to digest the news.
Find the off switch.
You dumped it on us and walked out. I hardly think that's fair.
Mom, it doesn't matter. It's over. Let's just move on, okay?
We came here to have a nice evening. So come on, let's have it.
- Something smells good. - Braised Iamb shank.
Oh, braised Iamb shank.
- I love a Iamb shank when it is braised. - Oh, my God.
Reading in front of other people is extremely rude, Lorelai.
- Shauna Christy shot her husband. - What?
Remember Shauna Christy?
I remember Shauna Christy. She was a lovely girl.
This lovely girl came home to find her husband...
giving the nanny a nice bonus package.
- They say good help is hard to find. - That's just gossip.
Gossip? The man was shot 35 times. He looks like a sprinkler system.
I can't believe this. Shauna was always such a nice girl.
She was bright, cultured, well-spoken...
- And apparently a big Annie Oakley fan. - This is not funny.
- The woman committed a crime. - Fine.
- This is a tragedy. - My bad. Sorry.
- A man is dead, a young woman ruined. - Consider the subject dropped.
At least she had a husband to kill.
This is nice, isn't it?
[Lorelai sneezing]
- Bless you. - Thank you.
- I hate having a cold. - I know you do.
It's bad enough being sick, but anybody can have a cold.
I know they can.
I mean, I'd like to have a good illness...
something different, impressive. Just once I'd like to say:
"I'm not feeling so good. My leg is haunted."
There's a reason why you only take one packet of TheraFlu at a time.
Pancakes, one fried egg, side of bacon.
Chicken noodle soup, side of mashed potatoes.
- Thanks, Luke. - Thanks.
- How's the cold coming? - It's fine.
- Any better? - It's fine.
It's the third day you've ordered soup for breakfast.
- Thanks for the tally. - Know what helps cure a cold?
Endless vague questioning in the morning?
- A healthy immune system. - My second guess.
Know how you get a healthy immune system?
Remember when you hated me? Wasn't that fun?
Is it eating nothing but crap all day...
and blowing out your brain cells with coffee?
- No. - That's right. No.
- Why are you helping him? - "No" seemed the right answer.
Eat a vegetable now and then, some high-fiber cereal in the morning...
Listen, Grandpa, my soup's getting cold.
At least eat the carrots this time, not just the noodles.
I promise.
Eat my carrots.
Apparently maturity is extremely overrated in your universe.
That's right. The Empress Bobo Belle forbids it. Eat.
- Hey. - Hey.
- So? - One sec.
- Jess... - Relax.
I'm out.
- Let's go. - Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, an entire conversation in 10 words or less.
A true meeting of the minds.
Okay, please don't hate me, but I already ate breakfast.
See? Nice, full sentences.
- What? - Don't ruin it.
- You're sure? - Positive.
It ran right across the lobby and into the fireplace.
- I don't see it. - It must have found a hole to crawl into.
We can't have this mouse running around. Customers will freak.
Tell them it's a baby. People love babies. They'll talk to it in funny voices.
- Did you call an exterminator? - What a wonderful idea.
I was actually going to fasten a wedge of cheese to my head...
and lay on the ground until Mickey gets hungry...
and decides to crawl out and snack on my face.
- When does he get here? - He said we were the first stop.
- What do we do until then? - Make cat sounds.
- Excuse me, Lorelai. - Hey, Kirk. Hold on a sec.
Just stand here and make sure it doesn't come out.
Goody! A promotion.
- What can I do for you? - I have a delivery for Sookie.
- Wow! Anything good? - No, just some wedding photos.
Great. She stepped out for a minute, but I'll take them to her.
I swear, I'll give them to her.
If you want, I'll leave and find her and then I'll give them to her.
- No, that won't be necessary. - Okay. Well...
- Lorelai, can I speak to you for a moment? - Sure.
- Could we sit? - Sit? Sure. Let's sit.
Is everything okay?
- Okay? With me? - Yes.
My mother has developed a condition. It makes her knees enormous.
Yesterday, I spent all day cutting holes in her pants so she could sit.
But other than that and the dyspeptic parrot problem, everything is fine.
Good. I'm glad.
- Okay, I'm... - I was just wondering...
Yes? Wondering what?
We've known each other for a good amount of time now.
Our paths have crossed professionally and socially...
a number of times, all with relatively pleasant results.
I was just wondering if you would like to have dinner with me.
Oh!
In two weeks.
- Two weeks? - I heard you have a cold.
Two weeks is enough to ensure the virus is out of your system.
You don't have to answer right away.
I know this is completely out of the blue for you.
Take a few days and think about it.
Kirk, wait.
By the way, I think you might be the prettiest girl I've ever seen...
outside of a really filthy magazine.
Thank you.
- Don't. - I am doing nothing.
Ben, however, has dropped dead from laughter.
- How long have you been sitting there? - Not long.
An hour-and-a-half.
- Why? - Because.
- Because why? - Because...
today is the last first day of high school you're ever gonna have.
You're insane.
I'm not insane. I'm just sentimental, and you're grown.
- I'm not grown. - Yes, you are.
You're all grown up, and soon you'll be going off into the world.
- Not yet. - But soon.
And after you spread those wings and fly away...
I won't have the opportunity to give you this.
- What is it? - It's your bill.
- My what? - Yeah. I've been crunching the numbers...
adding up what you've cost me over the years, raising you...
clothing you, feeding you, etc.
I've itemized everything here by years and income ratio.
I thought you could factor it into your student loan.
One thing that's painfully obvious here:
You've used an extraordinary number of diapers.
- I'm gonna take a shower. - Really, it's cost a fortune.
What were you using all those diapers for?
I was building my make-Mommy-go-away castle.
You got home late last night, and I couldn't talk to you.
I got home at 10:00, and you were already asleep.
I was trying to watch The Legend of Bagger Vance.
Okay, what did I miss?
- Kirk asked me out. - Shut up.
Yesterday he came to the inn and asked me to dinner.
- That's so sweet. - Sweet?
Wear your dress with the ponies. I bet he likes ponies.
- Rory, I cannot go out with Kirk. - Why?
Why?
- He's Kirk! - As long as he loves you...
- You are not serious. - I just want you to be happy.
"Headmaster Charleston, this is my stepfather, Kirk."
"Don't make any sudden movements. He's a fear-biter."
- How'll you let him down? - Don't know.
That's why I need to talk to you. You're the nice one.
Tell him the truth.
You're not interested in dating him and just want to be friends.
- That sounds so lame. - Tell him you're seeing someone.
My current karma is so great in that area...
I can afford to jinx it with that kind of lie. No.
- Then you figure it out. - All right. We're gonna have to move.
Take off in the night and leave everything behind.
Assume different identities.
I'll join a local community theater and I'll drive you to soccer.
It'll work for many years, until the FBI comes to get me...
- and by that time, you're on your own. - I don't play soccer.
You do now.
[Rory laughing]
- Stop. - It's funny.
It's not funny, it's bad. I have to see this guy.
He works at every business in town. I can't get away from him.
You should marry him and move in with his mother.
- I'll handle it myself, thank you. - Just trying to help.
You have your swearing-in ceremony today.
- At 3:00. Do not be late. - I will not be late.
- I have something to tell you. - Is it about Vince Foster?
It's about Grandma. She's coming today.
- No. - Mom, I'm sorry.
- She found out about it. She called... - You said yes?
She's my grandmother. What am I supposed to say?
"Sorry, Grandma, but if my mother sees you..."
"She'll run screaming down the hall."
You'll be listening to the ceremony. You hardly have to talk at all.
We are family.
Look how great that worked out for Sister Sledge.
I'm gonna take a shower. You'll be pouting here when I'm done?
- Gotta go to work. See you this afternoon. - At 3:00.
There goes my little vice president, off to rule the world.
Paris will be ruling the world. I will be holding her keys.
- I'm still proud of you. - I appreciate it.
You have power, brains. Now all you need...
is a dim-witted, drunken, or drug-addicted relative...
to constantly humiliate you while you're in office.
- Will you work on that for me? - Two steps ahead of you.
- Time! - 3:01.
No! Oh, man! Not fair. Stupid traffic lights.
- It's okay. It doesn't start till 3:15. - But I so tried...
- You lied to me. - Did I?
You said it was at 3:00, and it's at 3:15.
Well, I guess I did.
That's it. I'm standing up in the middle of your speech and demanding a recount.
- Shall we seat you? - Betrayed, lied to, and humiliated.
Get used to it. I am in politics now.
- Where's... - She's not here yet.
- You told her the real time? - Grandma can handle structure.
- How's this? - Fine.
Sit there, and put your purse on that chair to save it for Grandma.
- Yeah, great idea. - Mom.
Fine, yes. Saving the seat.
- There. All saved. - Thank you.
I'll meet you right outside afterwards, okay?
Just remember three things while you're up there:
I love you, you're the greatest kid in the world...
and you're in a skirt. Keep your knees closed.
- Fine. - This is good advice.
In my school, Linda Lee was class treasurer.
She couldn't close her knees, if they were magnetized.
Hanes should have given her an endorsement deal.
- Lorelai. - Hi, Mom.
You could have put your handbag there to save my seat, you know.
Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you.
Assemblies like this are always happy ones for me...
initiating in a new group of school leaders.
Chilton's always prided itself on the quality of its student government...
and this year, we may have outdone ourselves.
These young men and women up on this stage...
represent the best and the brightest of what this school has to offer.
Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to present to you...
your Student Body Government of 2003.
A larger awareness of the world around us.
Problems that not only face us here at school...
but will face us when we leave school...
and, more importantly, will face the next generation that follows us.
We must learn that our actions have consequences...
that someone else will have to clean up our mess.
We must figure out how to make that mess a little smaller.
If a small fraction of these things can be accomplished this year...
then I'll feel like our administration has done its job.
Thank you.
In the past, all great empires have fallen.
The feeling seems to be that it's inevitable...
that something like what the Romans built cannot last.
Maybe they're right.
Maybe there is no way of keeping something that prosperous permanently.
Maybe there is no way of keeping our legacy from becoming obsolete.
Well, I intend to fly in the face of such thinking...
and damn it, I will succeed.
I don't want to come back here 20 years from now on Alumni's Night...
and find this place turned into a high-priced charm school.
Pink and white with big cheerleading megaphones painted on the walls.
I wouldn't be able to take it.
I would have to dismantle the place stone by stone with my bare hands.
ALL: So let it be forever.
Congratulations and good luck.
- Is Rory coming out? - That's what she said.
- It was a nice ceremony. - Yes, it was.
- Long. - Very long.
The longest.
- Lorelai... - Hey!
- You're both here. - Yeah, we're here.
We wouldn't have missed it for the world. You looked wonderful up there.
- Good job with the knees. - Thank you.
I'm gonna run get my backpack, then we can go.
- I'll be here. - Bye, Grandma.
You don't have to wait, Mom, if you have things to do.
All right.
I was wondering if we could have lunch.
- Lunch? - Yes, just the two of us.
- Tomorrow would be good for me. - Tomorrow. Lunch with you tomorrow.
We could do it anywhere you like.
Perhaps that Luke's Diner you two seem to love so much.
Lunch at Luke's with you? I can't even put the visual together.
- I can meet you there at 1:00. - I:00.
If 1:00 isn't good, you pick a time. I'll make it work.
All right. 1:00 at Luke's.
Wonderful. I'll see you then.
Look, let's face it.
The last administration might as well have run around yelling "toga"...
for all the brilliant things they accomplished.
But this year, everything changes. Starting with the library.
It's completely out of proportion with its subjects.
There are 500 volumes on the French Revolution...
yet only three on the Crusades.
How do they expect us to get a decent education...
with inferior resources like that?
Seems like the hour's almost up.
Well, this has been an extremely successful first gathering.
I appreciate all the class presidents coming and being on time.
Before I adjourn this meeting...
is there anything anyone would like to say?
People's names might have been nice.
Actually, I have something I'd like to put on the table to be discussed.
We only have a couple of minutes, so give us the Reader's Digest version.
As president of the senior class...
a certain problem has been brought to my attention.
For the past 30 years, Chilton regulations have stated...
that skirts must be no higher than three-quarters of an inch above the knee.
That's it. Any higher, the student gets written up.
I propose to put to an immediate vote...
an amendment to raise hemlines an additional inch-and-a-half.
- Hemlines? - That's right.
That's the major issue on the senior class's mind?
It's one of the major issues, yes.
Well, okay. Thank you, Francie...
for giving us something really important to mull over.
I anticipate a lot of sleepless nights for many of the people in this room.
I will take it under advisement and get back to you as soon as I can.
Okay. Fine. Thanks.
If that's it, I officially call the first meeting
of the student body presidents to a close.
I'll see you all Friday.
What idiot gave her a gavel?
The whole point of having an informal get-to-know-you gathering...
was actually to have an informal get-to-know-you gathering.
What's your point?
You just spent an hour talking about your agenda.
I'm student body president. That's my job.
But we got doughnuts. We didn't touch them.
They are still next to the coffee that we never passed out.
We were supposed to talk, bond, get to know each other.
We've been sitting in a room together for 60 minutes. What do you want? A ring?
Hi. Excuse me, Paris.
I just wanted to say on behalf of the entire senior class...
congratulations on your win.
I'm really looking forward to working closely with you this year.
- Thanks. - Okay, see you later.
Bye, Rory. You two are gonna make a great team.
Yes. The jerseys are coming on Friday.
I'm gonna draft a demand for the librarian's resignation tonight.
Want to read it before I send it?
Are you sure the first thing you want to do...
is get a 93-year-old woman sacked?
At least I'm not putting her on an iceberg and shoving her to sea.
But since you can't find the Shakespeare section without psychic powers...
yet the CliffsNotes rack practically smacks you in the face...
- it's totally justified. - And we're off.
I just got a message that a vegetarian menu was requested for tonight.
Yeah, Lasanos, party of five at 8:00.
But you said you weren't gonna let vegetarians in anymore.
No, you said you weren't gonna let vegetarians in anymore.
But I'm making my baked stuffed pork chops for tonight.
So just make something else for the Lasanos.
- Like what? - I don't know.
Pasta. You make great pasta.
That's boring. Anyone can make pasta. I'm an artist. You don't dictate to an artist.
You don't tell them what to do. No one walked up to Degas and said:
"Pal, easy with the dancers. Enough already."
"Draw a nice fruit bowl once in a while, will you?"
A great artist can make art out of anything, including pasta.
- Fine, pasta. - Is there coffee?
- Just made some. - Great.
Today's your lunch with Emily. Any idea what she's gonna say?
I bet it's not, "I'm joining the circus. Feed your father till I get back."
- I should cancel. - You can't. You're meeting her in an hour.
But this goes against every rule I have in the Gilmore Survival Guide.
Number 1: No running with scissors. Number 2: No pageboy haircuts.
Number 3: Never ever have lunch alone with the mother.
It might not be so bad.
Saying yes to this lunch is like saying, "Sounds fun!" to a ride with Clemenza.
Think good thoughts. She could surprise you.
I guess.
People change, you know. They do it every day.
One minute, you could be, let's say, a vegetarian.
And the next minute...
you could accidentally have a bite of a stuffed pork chop...
that changes your entire way of thinking.
Suddenly life's fun. Suddenly there's a reason to get up in the morning.
- It's called "bacon." - Forget it.
- Come on! - Pasta.
Let the people grow, damn it.
Rory, hi. Nice of you to join us.
No, I talk, okay? Great.
- Now let's discuss Paris. - What about her?
She seems to have this strange idea that she's actually in charge around here...
and I thought it would be good if I let you in on a little secret.
- She's not. - Why not tell her this yourself?
Because talking to Paris is like shopping for a bathing suit in December:
frustrating, fruitless, and a complete waste of time.
No. You. You might be the wallflower...
but you're obviously the Meyer Lansky behind this organization.
- I am not the Meyer Lansky. - What's that noise?
What is that noise?
Wait. It's me still talking. Didn't you hear it? Obviously not.
Anyhow, Paris is student body president.
Big fat deal.
There are three other class presidents:
the junior class president, the sophomore class president...
and, yes, the senior class president: me.
- I know all this. - Then it's off the short bus for you.
If Paris thinks she's gonna march around dictating mandates...
and ignoring what I have to say, then she's in for a major bikini wax.
- Thanks for the visual. - Without me, she's nothing.
Just another power-mad, insecure,
friendless, dateless, highlightless loser...
wandering and trying to make someone care that they exist, which no one does.
I control the senior class. I am also the leader of the Puffs...
the most exclusive society on this campus.
I have the power to make her life a living hell.
She's just...
I can ensure she does nothing but lead the students...
in whatever version of the Pledge of Allegiance is constitutional at the time.
What do you want me to do?
I want you to go back to Margaret Thatcher...
and tell her to play ball.
She's gonna support the hemline issue...
and any other issue that I bring up for the rest of the year.
Otherwise, I'll make her so ineffectual...
she'll make Jimmy Carter look like Martin Sheen. You get me?
We should be representing the interests of the students.
We're not supposed to be brokering back-door deals...
and pushing through agendas with intimidation and bribery.
What are we, French skating judges?
- Wise up, Goldilocks. - My hair's brown.
This is politics.
If you've got a problem, tell it to Noam Chomsky.
I live in the real world. Now, blow.
And I would keep this conversation between you and me.
Paris tends to get a little paranoid...
when there's other mammals at the watering hole.
Her finding out that you were conferring with me...
might not make your vice presidency easy.
I am not conferring with you. A hand pulled me into the bathroom.
What are you talking about? You sought me out...
because you thought Paris was out of line today...
and you wanted to make sure my very delicate feelings weren't hurt.
You are so sweet to think of me.
I feel much better now that I have you on my side.
Bye now. See you at the hemster.
- What are you doing here? - I came for the warmth.
You're not usually here this time of day, that's all.
- I'm meeting someone for lunch. - Kirk?
- What? - You meeting Kirk?
- Why would you say that? - I know he asked you out, so I assumed.
- How do you know? - He told me.
- He told you? - Yesterday.
- Oh, my God. - Relax. I think it's great.
- Why? Why would he tell you? - Actually, he came to me for advice.
About what?
Whether I thought he had a shot with you.
I know you. I've been to your house.
- I know if you have stain-resistant rugs. - I'm lying down now.
When he found out you had wood floors, he seemed very pleased.
I told him you liked movies and junk food...
and, of course, talking incessantly. But we both agreed...
that there's nothing like some good loving to shut a person up.
I'm sorry. Can you bring me a sharper fork?
This one may not go all the way through your hand.
I know it's new, so you probably don't want to jinx it.
So I won't talk about it anymore.
But I have to tell you, seeing that guy's face when he talked about you...
- he almost had an expression. - Far away from me.
Love is in the air
Why are you throwing cutlery in a public place?
'Cause I feel stupid doing it at home.
I'm sorry I'm late. There was traffic on the way.
If I'd been on time, there'd still be the possibility of soup.
I haven't been here long. See? I still have a knife.
- I'm glad to hear it. - So, are you gonna sit?
Yes, of course.
There we go. Well, this is nice.
You certainly can see the whole town from here.
- Yes, you can. - I can see why you come here so much.
It must be fun to just sit and people-watch.
Let's see what they've got, shall we?
- Caesar salad. Is that good here? - I'm sure it is.
- You've never had it? - No.
- Has Rory? - No.
Caesar salad can be extremely unsafe if they use bad eggs.
- Get something else. - If they're coddled, it would be fine.
- You know if they coddle the eggs here? - No idea.
- But you come here every day. - Why don't you ask Luke?
He'll just say they are. I'll have a Cobb salad. What will you have?
Caesar salad with extra un-coddled eggs on the side.
Would a serious answer once in a while kill you?
I'm sorry, Mom. Honestly, I'm a little confused.
- About what? - About this.
What's confusing? We're having lunch.
I know, but we don't usually have lunch...
especially not in my town at Luke's Diner.
I figured since you had to work, it would be easier this way.
- Okay. That's fine. - You two ready to order?
Yes. How is your Caesar salad dressing prepared?
I'll have to call Paul Newman and ask him.
A Cobb salad and an iced tea.
Cheeseburger, fries, onion rings, and a cherry Coke.
- Any pie today? - No, thanks.
Cutting back? Trying to look good for the big day?
Smart. Very smart.
Make sure you check that frying oil with your face.
- What was that all about? - Nothing. Just a little small-town charm.
Now please, Mom, tell me, why did you ask me to lunch?
Because I wanted to spend some time alone with my daughter.
Rory drops by after school every now and then...
so we see her alone.
But we never see you alone, unless Rory leaves the room for a second.
Even then, you try to go with her.
If I had a nickel for every time...
you've used the "girls go to the bathroom together" line...
- I'd be a rich woman. - You are a rich woman.
Please, is this really a me-and-you lunch? No hidden agenda?
Of course not.
Okay. Fine.
I talked to Christopher.
- What? - I called him last week.
We talked for a long time, and I have to tell you...
- he is not in love with that woman. - Oh, God.
He never actually said it, but I could tell from his voice.
He would much rather be with you and Rory.
- Are you out of your mind? - You need to talk to him.
That would be a yes.
All he needs is to hear that you want this, too.
What the hell are you doing calling Christopher?
- Somebody had to. - No, somebody didn't have to.
I certainly wasn't going to just sit by and watch this situation explode.
You two belong together. It took you years to figure that out.
Now that you finally have it, you can't let it go away...
just because of a little complication.
His girlfriend is pregnant. That is more than a little complication.
Women have gotten pregnant since the beginning of time.
Before I resort to the totally called-for "duh," tell me what your point is.
This woman is trying to trap him. You can't let that happen.
Mom, this is none of your business.
Yes, it is. It affects Rory, it affects you, both of whom are my business.
Do not get involved in this. I mean it. Butt out.
Don't call Christopher and talk about me or us.
- Just stay out of it. - Where are you going?
- I have to get back to the inn. - Do not walk out on me.
I will not discuss this with you now or ever.
I would love for you to respect that, but I know you.
- So give Christopher my love. - A family life doesn't just happen.
You have to work for it. You have to fight for it.
Lorelai, come back here.
As soon as she's out of intensive care, we'll get her signature...
then we can set about hiring a new librarian.
- Anything else? - Yes.
I was thinking this year we should throw a beginning-of-the-school-year dance.
Why wait till the tan fades to have a formal?
Dances are distracting.
They help bring in money for the stupid topiaries you want in the quad.
Draft a proposal and have it on my desk by tomorrow. Madeline.
I would propose that a professional photographer take the senior class photos.
Each year, we use that cheesy picture place...
and people wind up with those VH1 Before They Were Stars pictures.
I, for one, would like to stop the humiliation now.
How will we get a professional photographer?
- Helmut Newton is my godfather. - Sign him up.
Tell him to leave the whips and chains at home.
I think that's all we have time for today.
Excuse me, Paris.
Did you have time to think about my proposal?
- What proposal? - You know, the higher hemlines.
Right. No, not yet.
Okay. I guess I can wait. For a while.
Patience is a virtue. Meeting adjourned.
What do you think of Helmut Newton being Louise's godfather?
- Explains a lot, doesn't it? - Listen, it might be a good idea...
to consider getting behind this hemline issue.
- You're kidding, right? - No.
If girls want to make their skirts a little shorter, who cares?
I care. I'm building a legacy here.
You want the first stand I make against the faculty to involve fashion?
- It would be my "gays in the military." - I think it would be smart...
to establish goodwill among the other class presidents.
- Why? - Because you have to work with them...
and you might even need their support in the future.
Throwing them a tiny bone like a hemline amendment is no big deal.
- I don't know. - It's at the beginning of your term.
No one will even remember the first thing that you passed.
You have plenty of time to establish your legacy.
By the time that you implement public executions for line cutters...
hemlines will be a thing of the past.
- I was making a joke, not a suggestion. - Why do you care?
- What? - Why do you care?
You seem very invested in this whole thing. Why?
I'm not invested. If you don't want to do it, fine.
I'm just giving you my opinion.
I thought you might want to be one of those presidents...
that's beloved as well as respected.
Raising hemlines would make me beloved?
It's certainly a step in that direction.
- All right. I'll push it through. - Good.
But the next genius with a brilliant plan...
to put an Elizabeth Arden in the chemistry class can bite my ass.
- I'm not going. - You are going.
She's done this to me for the last time.
From now on, I'm not telling her anything about my life.
As opposed to everything you've told her in the past.
I can't believe she called Christopher.
She has no respect for my feelings or privacy.
She didn't think that. She thought she was helping.
You do know there isn't a Santa Claus?
- Please try to forget this. - I'm never going over there again.
- Not an option. - Should be.
- Sometimes you have to cut people out. - She's your mother.
I want proof. I want tests done.
- You want your red purse or blue? - Blue.
I wonder who else she's calling. She must be talking to Kirk now.
"I heard you're taking my daughter out to dinner. Let's talk china patterns."
God, I'm furious.
[Phone ringing]
Don't get that. It might be her.
I doubt she'd call when we'll be over in half an hour.
KIRK: Hello?
Hello?
[Answering machine beeping]
The answering machine confused him. And that's the guy who likes me.
- I'd consider adoption if I were you. - My life stinks.
Let's look into each other's eyes...
and say, "I wish I were you," at the same time.
Maybe we'll pull a Freaky Friday.
Or we can pretend like we did, and you can go around acting immature.
- Wait... - You won't switch bodies with me?
Forget it. Then I'd have to date Kirk.
I'd switch bodies with you in a heartbeat if you wanted.
I know, and I appreciate that.
KIRK: Lorelai? I just called. There might be a problem with your phone.
My God. Let's go.
- Hello? - Mom.
- Who is this? - Mom, please get off the phone.
- Dr. Marshall? - Mom, please hang up.
I'll call you back.
[Doorbell ringing]
[Doorbell continues ringing]
For heaven's sake.
I don't think your doorbell's working.
Believe me. It's not the doorbell.
So it was the door.
Yes, Sarah. Once again, it was the door.
So I just have to remember that the big bell is the door...
and the small one is the oven.
Yes, that would be a wonderful thing to remember.
Okay. Let's have a drink, shall we?
So, Grandma, you have a new maid?
- Yes, I do. - Good thing we're in time for happy hour.
- Wine, Lorelai? - Yeah, if there's any left.
- Rory, soda or water? - Soda, please.
- How about water? - Water's fine, too.
- What's up, Mom? - Nothing.
You seem tense.
- You always think I seem tense. - Tonight you seem tenser than usual.
Well, I'm not.
Rory, tell me about school.
Okay. School's good.
- Do you like student government? - I think so.
- Your grades are still good? - Yes.
- Do you take any physical education? - Not this semester.
But eventually you will take some sort of physical education.
- I'm not sure. - But trust me...
when she decides to run after a ball...
and take a public shower with 30 other girls, you'll get a call.
- Thank you. - Dinner's ready.
- Sarah, one minute, please. - Yeah?
I told you we eat dinner at 7:00.
And right now, it's 6:30.
Therefore, one could conclude that maybe it's just a tad early for dinner.
- I'm sorry... - We want to eat at 7:00!
- But the food's ready now. - Okay. Never mind. We'll eat.
We're eating. Up, up. Let's go.
It's fine. It's better. Then we can all be in bed by 9:00.
Sit down.
- Tell us what is up now. - What is up with what?
With you and her.
She's new, Lorelai. She's only been here three days.
She's still getting the hang of things.
I think it's only fair to give the woman a chance.
Why are you staring at me?
Mom, you've had maids deported who were better than her.
- I have not. - Talk.
Your father made a crack the other day about my not being able to keep a maid.
It's a gross exaggeration. Yes, I've had maids I haven't liked...
- but I've also had maids I've loved. - Name one.
- Daiha. - Who?
- She took you shopping once. - How old was I?
- I don't know. - Guess.
Four, five.
You haven't liked a maid since I was four or five?
I have liked a maid. You asked me whom I've loved.
- I loved Daiha. - And whatever happened to Daiha?
How should I know? But I loved her.
Okay. Salad?
- Thank you, Sarah. - Big bell.
Sarah, the salads.
- Pass the wine, Lorelai. - You want a straw with that?
- You're enjoying this? - Well, yeah.
- Lor, I need to talk to you. - Chris, what are you doing here?
- You won't return my calls. - Did you do this?
- I knew you'd be here. - I did not.
- You gave me no choice. - After I told you to stay out of it.
- I did not do this. - You have to go.
- I'm not going until you talk to me. - Christopher, Lorelai, come back here.
Why won't you call me back?
This is the worst time for this conversation.
It seems to be the only time to have this conversation.
Go home, okay? I promise I will talk to you tomorrow.
Sure, I believe that.
I've never lied to you. There's no reason to doubt me.
Really? 45 un-returned phone calls isn't a reason?
- No, it isn't. - You shutting me out like this is wrong.
I'm not discussing this with you here in my mother's house.
You can't dictate this.
I need to talk, you won't call back, I did what I had to do. Sorry...
but after all we've been through in the last few months...
you shutting me out is wrong.
You know what hits me the hardest?
Apparently, it isn't the door on your way out.
- You keeping Rory from me. - What?
- I never thought you'd do that. - I'm not keeping Rory from you.
Then why hasn't she called me back?
No matter where you and I have been in our lives...
my daughter has always called me back. Until now.
I didn't call you back because I didn't want to.
- Me. Mom had nothing to do with it. - Honey, calm down.
You promised me at Sookie's wedding that this was going to work...
that you were gonna be there. You promised.
Honey, please understand.
No. I always understand, and I don't want to understand.
I don't even want to talk about this right now.
I've got Mom. That's all I need.
- Go be somebody else's dad. - Don't say that.
I'm going upstairs. Call me when he's gone.
She did not get there by herself.
Have you ever met your daughter?
She could get to the third dimension by herself.
She was helping the crossing guard when she was four.
- I'm going to talk to her. - No, you're not.
She wants to be alone and cool off. Respect that.
- I'll talk to her later. - Great. That makes me feel a lot better.
You need to leave. Right now.
This isn't right. She needs her father.
I know she needs her father. I've been telling her that.
But she feels like her father bailed on her. She's mad and hurt.
- I can't change that in three minutes! - You think I like this situation?
Do you? After what you and I had going and now...
Do you remember why we're here right now?
What events in your life caused this very pleasant moment we're sharing?
- That has nothing to do with this. - What?
- Man! What do you want from me? - I want to talk!
- About what? - I don't know. I just...
I don't like how things are.
But that's how they are.
I didn't want things to turn out this way.
- But they did turn out this way. - But I didn't want that!
- Is Sherry still pregnant? - Of course she is.
- Are you still with her? - Yes.
- Are you gonna marry her? - Yes.
Then, honey, we are where we are.
- Accept it. - I can't.
Don't you understand that I can't talk to you because it hurts?
Talking to you really hurts!
Standing here right now is killing me, okay?
- Don't you understand that? - Christopher...
- I think you'd better go now. - Emily, I...
Leave now, please.
[Door closing]
You know, you need a mask and a horse when you do that.
Something's burning.
[Motorcycle engine starting]
Chris!
Give it time.
That was a fun night. I haven't had that much fun since labor.
Seriously, ladies and gentlemen, is this on?
- I can't believe he just came over. - He misses you.
- We're very missable.
He loves you so much. He didn't mean to...
No. He never means to, but he does.
I don't care what he says, I'm not going to this wedding.
- You don't have to. - Good.
But you might. Later in your life, when you're not so angry...
and you make up with your dad, as we know you will...
you might be sorry you missed it.
- It's the wrong wedding. - Things happen for a reason.
- Since when is that your philosophy? - Since now.
- By the way, I'm also a communist. - Really?
- Yes, 'cause I look damn good in red. - I'm starving.
- Could it be 'cause dinner sucked? - Could be.
- Let's do mac and cheese. - And Tater Tots.
- And those pizza rolls. - And chili beef soup.
After which, we will install our own vomitorium.
- Nix the soup. - And add some cake.
Let's be organized. Be snappy, and if there's impulse buying, make it chocolate.
Aye, aye, Captain.
- Lorelai. - Oh, no.
- Go on in. - Sure?
- I have to take care of this. - Good luck.
Hey, Kirk.
I know you haven't made up your mind yet...
and I'm not here for an answer. I just need to know...
are you allergic to tuna?
- No. - Good. Thank you very much.
Kirk, I have made up my mind.
- You have? Already? - Yes.
- And it's fully formed? - Yes, it is.
- You don't need any other information? - No.
- I could have my mother call you. - Totally unnecessary.
Okay. Then go ahead.
I just got out of a really weird relationship...
and I know that sounds like a line, but it isn't.
I'm just not fully over the shock of it yet...
and I never want to hurt you, because you're my friend and I like you.
So I have to say no. I'm sorry.
Was the tuna inquiry too personal?
No, I thought it was very thoughtful.
You sure you won't feel like it any time soon?
Yeah, I'm sure.
At least I asked.
Good night, Lorelai.
- Doing a little shopping? - Yes.
- Excuse me. - Why the cold shoulder?
No cold shoulder. I just have perishables here.
You want to get home before that Beefaroni goes bad.
My mom's waiting for me.
- How was Washington? - Fine.
- Do anything interesting? - Nope.
- What about you? - What about me?
Anything interesting happen?
- This summer, I mean. - Nope.
- Really? - Really.
So nothing happened this summer at all?
It was hot.
Two weeks ago, there was a run on snow cones.
Machine broke, people went crazy. Taylor tried calling the National Guard...
I'm not talking about snow cones.
- What are you talking about, then? - Nothing.
- Her name's Shane. - As in, "come back"?
- Yep. - Great. That's great.
Really, it's great.
- So I've heard. - It is.
- Are you upset about something? - No.
- I mean, me and Shane. - What about you two?
I don't know. It didn't exactly bring a smile to your face.
I'm still freaked out about the snow cone machine.
- I could care less about you and Shane. - Good.
- It surprised me, that's all. - Why?
- Because. - Because why?
Because of what happened at Sookie's wedding.
So me coming back here and seeing you with Shane...
just kind of threw me for a sec.
I'm sorry. Did I hear from you at all this summer?
Did I just miss the thousands of phone calls you made to me?
Did the postman lose all those letters you wrote to me?
You kiss me, tell me not to say anything.
Very flattering, by the way. You go off to Washington. Then nothing.
Then you come back, all put out...
because I didn't wait for you like Dean would have done?
And, yeah, what about Dean? Are you still with him?
Last time I checked, you were. I haven't heard anything to the contrary.
And you two walking around the other day like some Andy Hardy movie.
Seemed to me like you're still together.
I half expected you to break into a barn and put on a show.
When did you see me with Dean?
At that stupid summer insanity plea the town put on.
I'm surprised you could see with Shane's head plastered to your face.
- You didn't answer me. - About what?
- Did you call me at all? - No.
- Did you send me a letter? - No.
- Postcard? - No.
- Smoke signal? - Stop.
- A nice fruit basket? - Enough.
Are you still with Dean?
Come on: yes or no? Are you still with Dean?
Yes, I'm still with Dean.
- Glad to hear it. - Glad to tell you.
- See you around. - Whatever.
Right back at you.
I was just gonna come in after you.
- You all done? - Yeah, I'm done.