So, I have talked to every member of my family and we agreed...
that you can hold the rooms on my credit card...
but everyone must check out with their own.
Got it.
Have we gone over the room arrangements yet?
Closing in on a hundred and fifty times.
The Doose clan is very particular about their accommodations.
We are light sleepers and are prone to night terrors and several of us...
are very allergic to bed clothing, so it is very important that we are...
On the first floor or near a fire escape. I know, it's all taken care of.
Could you wait a second, I'll be right back.
All right, but hurry, I don't have all day.
Rory, you were supposed to bring me a cup of coffee.
- Yes, I know, I'm sorry, I got distracted. - My fault.
When you left me there I was alone, and now, look...
- I'm no longer alone. - Taylor found you?
Yes, and we've since embarked on hour one hundred millionth...
planning the special Doose reunion.
I'm coming back there right now.
Yes, and then you are going to get very sick and be unable to feed yourself...
so Mommy will need to take you home and stay by your side...
until the Doose reunion is over.
Okay. Say goodbye to Jess.
- 'Bye, Jess. - I'll call you later.
Limp a little if you can.
What malady do I have that makes me limp and lose the ability to feed myself?
- It's French. - Okay.
Taylor, we're gonna need to finish this up a little later.
Rory's not feeling so good.
Oh, no. What's the matter?
It's French.
All right, I think we're just about done here anyhow.
Before I forget, let me give you each one of these.
"Stars Hollow Hockey 2003 Semi-finalists."
"Go, Minutemen, the future is yours."
"Bring this button to Doose's..."
"For 50 percent off your next purchase of Stove Top Stuffing."
That's a lot of words for a tiny button.
I expect to see you wearing them at the game tomorrow night.
- We'll try to make it. - Try to make it?
Do you realize this is the first time...
we've been in the regional semi-finals in 43 years?
Didn't we only make it this far because the Litchfield team got food poisoning?
I admit it's not exactly the plot of Hoosiers but still it's very exciting.
It's nice that you and your family are so loyal to the home team.
The Dooses have been the backbone of Stars Hollow High hockey for years.
I myself was the goalkeeper for our team in the last regional finals.
- I did not know that. - Yes.
I was responsible for the game-winning goal.
So the puck just ricocheted off your head into the net?
- Still counted. - I was making a joke.
- You really got pucked in the head? - No.
I was making a joke, too. Lorelai, just one more...
[Bell clanging]
What a disgrace, making that poor, sick girl run.
Wow! You can see the dent.
So, Rory, how are things at Chilton?
Great, everything's great.
And, Lorelai, things at the inn are good?
Rory, please slow down and chew your food properly.
I'm always telling her that. Pass the butter.
Pass the peas.
- Pass the pork. - Pass your plate.
I'm sorry. Is there a race going on I don't know about?
That was your mother.
She wanted to make sure that our towels are Egyptian cotton.
- It's a simple question. - Her fortieth simple question of the day.
She's gonna stay here. She wants to know if she'll be comfortable.
'Cause we give our guests the towels we've stolen from the Holiday Inn.
- Grandma's coming to stay here? - For a few days.
While her floors are being redone.
- How's Gran doing? - Does she miss London?
Not half as much as I do.
I never really truly appreciated the Atlantic Ocean before.
Three thousand lovely miles of water.
- You are talking about my mother. - I know that.
I'm happy to have her stay here.
Must she keep interrupting the one dinner a week...
that we have with Lorelai and Rory?
She knows what time we dine and why are you two eating so quickly?
- We're not. - You were on the phone for so long.
It just seems like we've eaten a lot.
[Phone ringing]
I wonder who that could be?
[Doorbell ringing]
Aren't we popular? Richard, perhaps you could get that...
while I have another bath sheet versus bath towel debate with your mother.
- You're giving it away. - What?
You're eating too quickly.
You said we had to be out of here by 8:30.
- I didn't ask you to broadcast it. - I'm eating as fast as you.
You're eating small bites very fast. Eat big bites at normal speed.
I should risk choking to make our Friday night plans?
Exactly.
I apologize.
- Collection agency again? - Excuse me?
Thank goodness she called. Richard, did you know...
people actually expect there to be soap in their bathrooms when they...
[Thudding]
[Men chattering]
Why are there strange men hauling a mattress up my staircase?
- Now, Emily... - She sent her own mattress?
- She has a very sensitive back. - She sent her own mattress?
I'll go and supervise.
[Lorelai clearing throat]
Mom, looks like you've got a lot going on here.
With the mattresses and the phone calls.
So we're just gonna go and get out of your hair.
Hold it right there. What is going on with you two?
- What are you talking about? - You know exactly what I'm talking about.
Bolting down your food, leaving before dessert...
Rory checking her pager every five minutes, what do you have planned?
Fine, we'll just sit here until one of you feels like filling me in.
- She has a date. - So does she.
- Hers starts a half hour earlier. - Because you get to stay out later.
Because I'm the mom.
You two stop it right now. You're behaving like children.
- Sorry. - Yeah, sorry.
Our deal is for Friday night dinners, not appearances at Friday night dinners.
- You will sit there and eat your dessert. - But...
One more word and I throw in a game of charades.
- Yes, ma'am. - Yes, Mom.
- We've got to get a faster car! - Don't blame the car.
You're saying it's my fault we're late?
Who said, "I've got room for another piece of pie"?
You kept making pointless conversation...
"thank yous", "pleases". Are you running for Miss Congeniality?
Just get ready.
- When are you meeting Jess? - I'll tell you in a sec.
Have you seen my brown boots?
MAN: [On answering machine] You have no new messages.
Her outfit was retrofitted around those brown...
Wait! Can you believe it?
They were in my closet.
What sort of bizarre accident of fate put them there?
What? He didn't call?
- Maybe it's too early. What time is it? - 9:15.
- When did he say he'd call? - After work.
- Which is when? - It varies.
- I thought you had a plan. - We did.
And the plan was that he calls you whenever because his work time varies?
Good plan. Bay of Pigs, was that yours, too?
- He'll call. - You want to come out with me and Alex?
We might go see a midnight movie, if something bad is playing.
Just promise me you won't sit here all night staring at the phone.
- Happy? - Delirious.
I shouldn't have had a second piece of pie.
Full?
- No, just late. - Bring me some Milk Duds.
It's a plan.
Then I spent about 40 minutes cleaning up my hard drive.
You would not believe the amount of junk that accumulates:
old files, things you've downloaded but never opened.
It really slows down your CPU.
Yeah, I hate a slow CPU.
Then all of a sudden, I looked down and I saw all this hair and dust...
- between the keys of my keyboard. - So you cleaned it.
Yes, and I will tell you it was a strangely satisfying experience.
One question: during this time...
that you watched TV, did homework, proofread articles for the Franklin...
organized my sock drawer, returned emails...
and cleaned your computer, did it ever occur to you to call him?
- No. - Why?
Because he said he'd call me.
I'm guessing you're not going to mention anything to him...
about your extremely productive evening alone when you see him.
- Why should I? - No reason I can think of.
You know, I almost like it better like this.
It looks more festive.
Good luck tonight.
Sure, when Dean said he'd call, he always called.
But where's the fun in that?
- Honey, don't do that. - Do what?
Compare Dean and Jess? That's not fair, they're different people.
Clearly. One calls when he says he will and one doesn't.
I think you've got to realize something. You were really lucky with Dean.
He was an exceptional first boyfriend and you got spoiled.
Most of us didn't have first boyfriends like Dean.
Most of us had first boyfriends like Brian Hutchins.
Seventh grade. I was sitting in the library...
he walks up and asks me to go steady, I say yes.
He walks away and I don't see him again...
until the tenth grade when he tries to sell me a dime bag...
at the Sadie Hawkins Day dance. He was overcharging for it, too.
- That's demented. - That's what most of us put up with.
Where do you think the Susan Faludis of the world came from?
You're saying this is the way it is...
and I have to get used to Jess not calling when he says he will.
No, I'm saying you just have to realize that every guy is different.
Give Jess a chance to explain before you freeze him out.
Okay.
- Jess. - That table's clean if you want it.
Hope that cleared it up for you.
Not a word. Not even a lame-o apology that is obviously a lie.
Yeah. How dare he not lie to you?
Finally, two people who don't give a damn about hockey.
Someone's testy.
I'm just looking at these dippy people with buttons and pennants...
like the town's never been in a semi-regional play-off.
- Hasn't it been 40 years? - For the hockey team.
When I was on the track team, we went to state three times...
in four years and won twice.
Think they made buttons and put up banners? Couldn't care less.
- That's because track is for dorks. - Yeah, it's true. I'm sorry.
The conversing part of this morning is now over. What do you want?
Jack omelet, bacon on the side.
Three blueberry, two lemon poppy seed muffins to go.
Lane's band is rehearsing at my house, it's for them.
You got that, Jess?
Be right back.
Five muffins to go.
Thank you. I'll see you later.
- What was that, you guys in a fight? - No, you are.
- What are you saying? - Last night, didn't you guys have plans?
- I just said I'd call her after work. - Did you?
I didn't get off till midnight, it was too late to call.
You couldn't take two seconds to call and tell her?
- No. - Really?
You don't get breaks? Do you get food, water?
Should I get Michael Moore on the phone?
- Whatever. I've got to unload some boxes. - Nice talking to you.
I knew once Mom found out Dave was part of a Christian trio...
she would soon book him to play at one of her prayer meetings.
It's perfect, your mom will get to know the whole band.
Not just get to know them, but love them like she loves Dave.
- She loves Dave? - She said he's a righteous young man...
who can be trusted around antique furniture.
- In her book, that's pretty close to love. - Sure.
[Singing] A mighty fortress is our God
A bulwark never failing
- Dude, what's a bulwark? - What?
It says, "A bulwark never failing."
I think it's a wall?
Then why don't they say that? Bulwark sounds totally gay.
I don't think you can call a hymn gay, it's like a sin.
Whatever, I'm not saying bulwark.
Lane just gets to sit back and watch you guys play tonight.
- You're like a groupie. - Actually, she's got a date.
Remember Young Chiu, the guy Mom introduced me to at the wedding?
She arranged for him to take me to the hockey game tonight.
It's the first of three dates.
- And then dump her. - The guy you haven't dated yet.
And I'll be crushed, making my mom feel so guilty for setting me up...
that she'll have to let me go out with Dave.
- I came up with that twist. - Dave has a gift for subterfuge.
A compliment from the master.
I would've thought of it, but I let him take the credit.
Men sometimes need that.
I'm telling you, it doesn't make any sense.
Fine, stop yelling at me, I didn't write it.
- What's wrong? - This stupid song, man.
"For still our ancient foe doth seek to work us woe."
- Who talks like that, the Pope? - Is any of those lemon poppy seed?
- Can't you just update it a little? - Sure, just tell me what it means.
- It's like in Latin. - Thought there would be coffee, too.
Can you chill out about your lemon seeds, till we get this song straightened out?
I'm hypoglycemic. I need something in my system or I'll crash.
Is "abideth" a word?
How will you make Young Chiu dump you, just be a really bad date?
We've already talked and he's totally on board.
He loves a Japanese girl named Karen who his parents don't approve of...
so they see each other secretly while his parents set him up with Korean girls.
- He's the male me. - Gotcha.
- You and Jess should come to the game. - I'm not sure what we're doing tonight.
[Singing] A mighty fortress is our God
a wall ten stories high
And he helps us when things get bad
and the devil tries to hurt us
- What hymn is that? - I have no idea.
If, for some reason, you get separated from the group...
you'll find a map on the third page of your welcome packet.
Why'd you draw your store so big?
It just makes it easier to find if you get lost.
It's bigger than the school.
Why'd you put all those "Ps" in Soda Shoppe?
Is that supposed to be fancy or something?
You are in Room 12 and your father is...
You're from France?
- Excuse me? - You talk funny, you're from France?
- Yes. So, as I was saying... - I was in France during the big one.
That's nice.
- So... - Nice?
It was a war, what's nice about that?
- Of course. So your father... - Don't give me that attitude, Frenchy.
You'd be speaking German now, if it wasn't for me.
Just make sure to have the vans back at 3:45 to take them to the game.
- Lorelai, just a second, I wanted to... - Hold on, what are you doing? What's this?
That's the itinerary for the afternoon.
Thought Lorelai could post it, if the inn's other guests...
wanted to join us in our pre-game activities.
This is my older brother, Doug. Doug, this is Lorelai.
- Hello. - Nice to meet you.
Taylor, I told you on the phone, no one is gonna want to do any of this crap.
A tour of Stars Hollow?
Most of us were born here, what do we need a tour for?
Everyone, listen up. We're meeting here in two hours for the vans to the game.
You're late, you're walking.
Go back to your store and count peaches or something.
I'm taking a nap.
Lorelai, hello.
- Mom? - You remember, I'm so touched.
What are you doing here?
I was thinking about possibly having our next DAR luncheon here.
- Really? - That's right.
I thought I would stop by and make sure the place is as charming as I remember.
It is.
What day would you like to have the meeting?
The fifteenth.
The fifteenth looks wide open, so you're officially down for the fifteenth.
- Wonderful. - Okay.
- So...
- How is Michel? - Michel is fine.
Well, good, I'm glad to hear it.
I'm glad to tell it.
Mom, I have this really big family reunion party that invaded the place today...
- so I should probably get back to work. - You go ahead, do not let me keep you.
Mom?
- I'm not allowed to go home. - What?
- She's banished me from my own house. - Gran?
She's gone mad.
This morning she announces she's hosting a meeting...
of her bitter old biddies club, tonight...
and needs the entire day to prepare because the house is in a shambles.
Nice. Subtle.
I was handed a list of chores, asked not to come home until 6:00...
- because I would be in the way. - She's only staying for a few days.
I have to buy her flowers 'cause mine are too tall.
It's ostentatious to have flowers that tall.
I've been meaning to tell you myself.
I have to get new guest towels, new highball glasses...
four specific types of cheese, and I have to find a slide projector.
They're going to view slides of potential acquisitions...
for the museum they're on the board of.
I don't know where to find a slide projector...
- I feel like I'm going insane. - Mom.
I'm sorry, I think I'm just a little sensitive right now.
It's selfish, I know, but Richard's traveling more than he ever did.
He was gone three of the last four weeks. Now, he's finally home...
and she's there commanding all of his attention, all of his time...
I sound like a spoiled high-school girl.
You still haven't asked for the Gloria Vanderbilt jeans...
- and the convertible Rabbit. - I'm sorry I kept you from work.
I have a slide projector, I'd be happy to bring it over tonight.
I really appreciate this, Lorelai, I mean it, I couldn't be more grateful.
- Hold on. - Where are you going?
I want to get a tape recorder, I want that last thing on tape.
- Lorelai! - Just remember what you said.
You have everything you need? Water, extension cords.
- Yes, I think we're good. - Where's your tambourine?
We don't have one.
[Doorbell ringing]
Next time, bring one.
Dude, remember the drill instructor in Full Metal Jacket?
Totally.
- Good evening. - Young Chiu, come in.
Lane, look, Young Chiu is here.
- Hi. - Hi, these are for you.
Thank you, they're beautiful. Isn't that nice of him?
Yes, very thoughtful. Stand together now. Don't smile.
Very nice, that one's for the grandchildren.
We'd better go. Don't want to be late for the game.
I'll put these in a vase for you for your bedside table. Now, go have fun.
- We'll be home by 9:00. - Yes, whatever. Go.
[Door closing]
- Thank goodness you haven't left. - Why? What's up?
Emily called to ask you to bring serving dishes.
Apparently hers are tacky.
My gran is a relentless old broad, isn't she?
- You want them where? - Just on the counter's fine. Thanks, hon.
Hello?
- Rory. - Mom.
What are you doing there?
What do you mean, what am I doing here? I live here, remember?
- Who were you expecting? - No one.
I was calling to check messages and see if Mom called.
She hasn't.
No one has. In fact, this is the first time the phone's rung all day.
What "ah"?
- Okay, get out. - Excuse me?
- Get out of the house. - Why?
Why, look at the clock, what does it say?
It says 6:00.
So it is 6:00 on a Saturday night. Which means you have now spent a day...
- and a night waiting for him to call. - I know.
That's not good, kid. Look, let's say he does call...
you can't be the kind of girl that gets all mad in her head...
and then forgets everything once he deigns to show up, right?
- Yeah. - Okay, so don't just sit there waiting.
Go out, do something.
- Like what? - What's Lane doing tonight?
Going to the hockey game with her fake boyfriend.
- Perfect. - Perfect? It's a hockey game.
It'll be fun. There'll be cheerleaders and clowns and people doing the wave.
You have no idea what a hockey game is.
It doesn't matter. Put on a jacket, get out of there...
- and if he calls... - Who cares?
- That's my girl! - Thanks, Mom.
Oh, my!
[Babette and Patty singing the American National Anthem]
[Crowd cheering]
- It's cold in here. - It's the ice.
My God, there really is ice. Cool.
- What're you doing here? - Hockeying.
- That's not a word. - Where's everybody?
A monster truck show in Woodbury pulls a lot of the same demographic. Sit.
- Where's Jess? - Don't know, don't care.
- Really? - I'm a free woman tonight.
- Is everything okay? - Everything's fine.
- Sure? - Absolutely.
I just wanted to see some good hockey-playing.
Really. Is that Young Chiu?
The guy with the cell phone stapled to his ear? That's him.
He looks serious.
- He's talking to Karen. - His real girlfriend?
She's not as cool as Dave about the fake dating thing. Needs reassurance.
Dave is pretty cool.
The coolest, isn't he? I mean, besides Jess.
Right.
People of Stars Hollow...
are you ready to rumble?
Then let's get it on!
And the puck is down as the first quarter begins.
Period.
Sorry, first period begins. My bad.
So, this is sports.
[Singing Amazing Grace]
Very nice. You may now take a 15-minute break while we finish our tea.
Also, good time to retune.
- Was she looking at me? - She wasn't looking at me, dude.
I'm gonna go outside and get some air, okay?
- Sure. - Okay, be right back.
Believe me, I'm not interested in Young Chiu in that way.
He's cute and all, but I've got a guy.
No, when I say he's cute...
I mean he's your boyfriend and you've got good taste.
Koreans do not have problems. You talk to her, I'm done.
Karen?
That went well.
- Lindsay, how are you? - Hi, Lindsay.
Hi, I'm good, thanks. How are you?
Good, you know, just enjoying my first hockey game.
There's a lot of bashing people into walls, which is good fun.
Absolutely, I'm all for more bashing.
We haven't seen each other since I left Stars Hollow High.
- What have you been up to? - Nothing really, the usual, school.
Right. Sure.
School, me, too, but you know that since we go to school together.
I should be getting back. It was good seeing you again.
You, too.
'Bye.
- That was weird, right? - Yeah, way weird.
- I didn't do anything, did I? - Like, ask her how she was?
You probably made an enemy for life.
Maybe she's angry because I didn't keep in touch.
- But we weren't good friends. - Or it could be that Chilton thing.
People think because you went to Chilton, you think you're better than everyone.
What? Who thinks that?
You know, like Julie Myrsten, Kristen Keifer, Jill Allen.
- Haven't we talked about this? - No.
Hi, Rory.
- So where's Young Chiu? - Talking to Karen.
- Who? - His girlfriend.
Right.
- That's cool, okay. How's the game? - The other team's winning.
But our fans have the best insults. Babette does.
- That's really what counts. - What are you doing here, did you finish?
Your mom gave us a 15-minute break, I thought I'd swing by.
- But it's more than a mile away. - Yeah, I'd better get back. See you later.
'Bye.
If I didn't know better, I'd say someone isn't as cool as we thought.
What do you mean? He's jealous.
My God, he's jealous, that's so great.
You've worked your womanly wiles on him, Lane Kim.
I've never made a guy jealous. I feel so powerful.
Remember, there's cute jealous and there's Othello.
- Good point. - So who else thinks I'm a snob?
[Knocking on door]
- Jess. - Is Rory here?
- Are you serious? - I'm serious.
- I'm serious, are you serious? - Why do you ask me that?
I'm trying to imagine the scenario.
You looked at the clock, saw it was 7:30 p.m., Saturday.
- You thought, "Rory must be home." - Yes.
I'm sorry, are you serious?
This is your way of saying she's not home.
She's not home.
- You know where she is? - At the hockey game.
You don't want to tell me where she is, fine.
She is at the hockey game, you'd know that if you'd...
- bothered to call. - Why are you hassling me?
Mostly because I'm here to hassle you.
If you'd called, Rory would be here to hassle you.
Rory knows I'm not a guy who lives by a schedule.
Look what the guy who doesn't live by a schedule does on a Saturday night...
talking to his girlfriend's mother.
Whatever.
You like music, right? The Beach Boys said it best.
"None of the guys go steady 'cause it wouldn't be right..."
"To leave their best girls home on Saturday night."
Rory is one of the best girls, she's the best girl.
You don't seem to have any idea how she should be treated.
Luckily, I've got you to tell me.
Not anymore. We've discussed your relationship with Rory long enough.
- Fine. - I'll tell her you stopped by.
Don't bother.
Brian Hutchins is looking pretty good right about now.
If I knew sports was about eating, I would have come more often.
It's so satisfying to watch people exercise while you eat junk food.
KIRK: Two minutes till next period, that's what we call them in hockey...
periods, not halves, let's keep that straight.
Also, the puck is never referred to...
as a ball, not according to the book. Again, my bad.
I guess it wasn't the Chilton thing after all.
KIRK: Number 12 has it now, he's skating...
he's gonna try to whack it into that net thingie...
but that's conjecture at this point.
It's going the other way. They're hitting it between them.
Number 7 has it. Now Number 3.
Now 7, 3 again, 7. Ten's got it now...
Just to let you know, some of the guys, not me...
but some of the guys say they'll rip your head off if you don't shut up.
Pausing for a short break.
CROWD: [Chanting] We've got spirit, yes, we do, we've got spirit, how about you?
You sure you're okay?
Will you stop asking me that every five seconds? I'm fine.
I mean, it had to happen sometime...
I didn't expect him to just sit around pining for me.
Okay, a little, but she's really nice, right?
- This is all my fault. - Lane.
I let you down. I'm supposed to be your eyes and ears in that school.
Here's the biggest news all year and I had no idea.
- It's okay. - No, it's not.
This is an intelligence gap of monumental proportions.
- What was I doing? - Studying, taking classes.
- No more. - Lane.
It's not a big deal, really, and now I know, so case closed.
- You're sure? - Positive. Let's enjoy the game.
- No way! - What happened?
Excuse me, Number 14, could you come back here?
[Doorbell ringing]
Hi, just came to drop off some things.
- I can take those. - Thanks, be careful, it's heavy.
Everyone's in the living room if you want to go in.
If I want to go in?
You pose a deep, philosophical question there, but I'll just...
- I thought I heard your voice. - Yes, I brought the slide machine...
- and the platters and punch bowl. - Come in and meet everyone.
I was just going to do that.
It's obscene!
- It's Picasso. - Then Picasso is obscene.
- Isabel. - It has six breasts.
You cannot be sure those are breasts.
They could be cannons, he was obsessed with the Spanish Civil War for a while.
- Ladies, look who's here. - Lorelai, wonderful.
We all need a break for a moment. Come meet my friends.
Emily, we were waiting for iced tea or am I imagining things?
- It's on its way, Mom. - So is death.
This is Mrs. Van Wyck, Mrs. Deerborne, Mrs. Rutherman.
This is my granddaughter, Lorelai.
Nice to meet you all.
- Come, sit. - I don't want to interrupt anything.
You're interrupting nothing but thirst, my dear.
Now, talk to some old women, tell us what it's like to be young.
Not nearly as much fun since the mandatory sunscreen rule, I'll tell you.
Here we go, iced tea and sandwiches.
Too warm.
Do you know that Lorelai's daughter is graduating from Chilton in June?
[Singing softly]
She is an excellent student and...
Emily, what are you doing?
- I'm sorry? - Why are you singing like that?
Was I singing? I didn't realize.
Here's your tea, Mom. I certainly hope it's cold enough.
I brought the slide projector over. Should I set it up?
That would be fine. We can start watching now...
as I don't anticipate dinner being served anywhere near the time I requested.
[Emily singing softly]
Emily, you're doing it again.
- I was? - Yes, you were.
It's because I caught some of Love in the Afternoon the other day.
The movie? Have you seen it, Mom?
I don't believe I have.
It's wonderful.
And a wonderful concept, too, don't you think?
I must have the music stuck in my head, that must be why I'm singing it.
I mean, what else could it be?
Mom, how about we go get some of that cheese you bought for the ladies?
I'll help you, come on. We'll be right back.
Okay, what is going on?
- I saw her kissing a man. - What?
When I came home today I saw her standing in the living room, kissing a man.
- Gran. - Yes.
- My Gran. - Yes.
- My Gran was kissing a man. - In a purple velour jogging suit.
- Gran was in a purple velour jogging suit? - No, the man was wearing that.
- You're sure they were kissing? - One hundred percent sure.
- My God. Was he hot? - Excuse me?
I don't know what one asks when you hear...
your grandmother's making out.
I don't know if he was hot, her sucking face was blocking my view.
Did she see you?
After my heart started again, I went out and hid in the bushes until he left.
I have two really good visuals fighting for top billing here.
Do you realize how wonderful this is?
I guess it's wonderful, if Gran has a guy.
No! What's wonderful is after all these years of her abuse...
her condescension, insults, and degrading comments...
after all these years of pure unadulterated hell...
I finally have something to hold over her.
I have the upper hand, something to nail her with.
Finally that woman is going down.
- You cannot use this against Gran. - Yes, I can, I've earned it.
Mom, I know Gran gives you a hard time...
but she did not tell anyone about this guy for a reason.
She's embarrassed, he was dressed like a bookie.
- You have to be above this. - No, I don't.
You're telling me, you're going to be the one to go out there...
and humiliate Gran in front of her friends. In front of her family.
Just think about it, Mom. What would Miss Manners do?
- It's not fair. - Gran will be back in her own house soon.
- I know, you're right. - Just hang on till then.
Let's go back in there and get this evening over with.
You're a standup lady, Emily Gilmore. You know that?
Really, that makes me feel so much better.
And is this normal, Richard, to be getting home from work so late?
It's one of the pitfalls of starting your own business.
You should say, "of starting a successful business", Richard.
Successful so far, Trix, let's not jinx it.
No, perhaps if Emily could have the meal served on time...
Richard would have more inducement to get home at a reasonable hour.
I saw her kissing a man in a tracksuit.
- What? - Emily.
[Gasping]
KIRK: Ladies and gentlemen, much like the lsraelites of yore...
the Stars Hollow Minutemen languished in the desert for 40 years.
But tonight there was no promised land, no New Canaan.
Only a humiliating five-to-one defeat at the hands of the West Hartford Wildcats.
It's back to the desert for the Minutemen, perhaps for another 40 years.
Of course, by then, I'll be 70 years old.
A lot of the rest of you will probably be dead.
Taylor, you'll be dead.
Babette. Miss Patty.
That man in the hat.
If we run, we might catch the last few minutes of the band.
I don't think the pint of liquid cheese in my stomach will allow much running.
- I'll call you tomorrow? - Have fun.
- 'Bye. - 'Bye.
Dean, how are you?
That's a stupid question to ask someone who just lost the regional semi-finals.
It sounds like I'm rubbing your face in it.
They were better than us, they deserved to win.
And at least you got a point. That's good, right?
I mean, better than not getting any.
I really suck at this post-sports talk.
You haven't had much practice.
True, but who knows, I might be a sports convert.
I mean, eating massive amounts of junk food...
and listening to Kirk make a fool of himself, all things I enjoy.
You could almost get rid of the sports part of it.
That's what I was going to say.
So, I ran into Lindsay.
I hadn't figured out how to tell you that.
I think it's great.
- You do? - Absolutely.
I mean, she's cute and smart and really nice.
I know.
Like once in fourth grade, we went on a field trip to Mark Twain's house...
I wanted a refrigerator magnet shaped like Twain's head.
I didn't have money...
so she bought it for me. She wouldn't let me pay her back.
- Pretty classy for a fourth grader. - Sounds like Lindsay.
Exactly. So...
- Good job, mister. - Thanks. So how are things with Jess?
Good.
- He's not with you? - No.
This really isn't his kind of thing.
I'd better go, I've got to go change and then Lindsay and I are going out.
Right. Sure. Have fun.
LUKE: [On answering machine] You've reached Luke Danes...
and Jess Mariano. Leave a message.
It's me. I just wanted to let you know...
that this is the last weekend I spend sitting around...
hoping you'll call. Okay? I'm not going to be that girl.
From now on, I want a plan. I mean a real plan with a time and a place.
And I'm tired of hearing, "Let's hook up later."
What does that mean? What's later?
How do I set my watch to later? Later doesn't cut it anymore, got it?
And yeah, you know, maybe I am spoiled, but guess what?
I like being spoiled. I plan to go on being spoiled...
and if that doesn't sound like something you can or want to do, then fine.
You'll find another girl who'll sit around...
cleaning her keyboard on a Friday night
hoping you'll call, it's not going to be me.
Yeah, this is a message for Jess.
Figured I'd find you here.
You say the word "hockey," you say the word "Rory," right?
What are you doing here?
- Here to give you these. - Ear plugs?
- What are they for? - I got tickets to the Distillers.
- You did, for when? - Tonight.
Tonight? But...
I would have been here sooner, but I had to wait in line.
So we should probably get going. We don't want to miss anything, right?
Hey, Jess?
- Yeah? - When you get home...
could you erase your answering machine without listening to any messages?
That'd be great. Thanks.
[Knocking on door]
Come in.
I brought you some aspirin.
It's the buffered kind that you like.
Is there anything else that you need?
No. Thank you.
Mom, I want to apologize for what I said downstairs.
I had no right to humiliate you like that in front of your friends and Richard.
This relationship was something you had chosen to keep private...
and I should have respected that.
I am truly sorry.
He seemed like a very nice man.
Why didn't you tell anyone about him?
I married once. I married Richard's father.
That was my husband.
I have no desire to marry again...
and dishonor his memory.
I understand.
I believe a woman marries for life.
If after your husband is gone...
you desperately desire some sort of permanent attachment...
add an addition onto the house. A library, or a solarium.
I have a library and a solarium.
Yes, you do.
However, in spite of all this...
I've found myself getting lonely.
And I don't care for being lonely, it's quite annoying.
So many years ago...
I met a man and he became my companion.
Tonight, both he and I were publicly humiliated...
and our relationship altered forever.
Can you imagine how that feels?
I've had a little experience...
with being humiliated in front of the people I love, yes.
Mom, please believe me.
I know how important your pride is to you...
and I never had any intention of robbing you of it.
I feel terrible that I caused you any pain.
I just wish...
that once in a while you might feel a little terrible that you cause me pain.
I have pride, too, you know.
And my husband travels and is very busy and I miss him...
and I'm lonely sometimes...
just like you.
Well.
So that was quite a gathering.
Yes, it was.
It would make a great Christmas story. I know it didn't happen at Christmas...
but it's the kind of thing that would. So it's not like if you...
told someone, they'd go, "Really? It doesn't sound like a Christmas story."
Thanksgiving would probably work also.
Dad, I know you're a little upset with Mom right now...
and I'm probably out of line in saying this...
but you might want to think about cutting her some slack.
She's really missed you lately.
You work so much, and then you're helping Gran in your free time...
which is totally understandable, but still, it's hard.
As much as Gran likes you, she tends to be a little rough on Mom.
And I just think Mom just kind of snapped.
She'd never do anything like that intentionally, you know that, Dad, right?
Okay, apparently, it's two-for-one flip-out night at the Gilmore house.
- Do you think he was wearing a tracksuit? - I don't...
I wonder if he was wearing Nikes also.
"Just do it" takes on a whole new meaning, doesn't it?
- I guess I've got a new daddy. - Maybe he'll take you to ballgames.
We can get matching jogging suits.
If only I could have seen Emily hiding in the bushes.
It's like a play by Molière.
What are you two cackling about?
- Nothing. - Yeah, nothing.
Don't stop on my account, I'm passing through.
- Where are you going? - We're going to have tea.
- They're going to have tea. - That's a first.
Maybe they'll be pals now.
I don't know how I feel about my mother and my wife being in cahoots.
I don't know how I feel about you saying "cahoots".
This alliance could make things very uncomfortable for me.
Sending a maid to tell me how to make tea...
like I don't know after all these years...
that she'll have a coronary if the water hits the cup one second before the bag.
- You're safe. - I think so, too.
[Door opening]
- How was the game? - Fun, we got clobbered.
If you'd won, you could have marauded through town...
trashing storefronts and torching police cars...
- like they do in L.A. - Maybe next year.
- What did you do after? - You know, just hung out.
With Lane and her fake boyfriend?
- I thought you were eating at Grandma's. - Yes, and there's a story behind that.
- Can it wait? I'm exhausted. - It's a good story.
I'm sure. I won't be able to appreciate it in my weakened state.
This gives you time to practice your voices.
Fine, let me just say two words:
Jogging suit.
- Jogging suit. - See, you're hooked.
Now I'm definitely waking up tomorrow.
- Night, honey. - Night, Mom.