LORELAI: So, I think I'm in touch with the other side.
- The other side of? - The other side.
With Republicans?
No, lately, I've been having these dark premonitions.
- About what? - Dead cow.
- That's weird. - He's always weird.
No, my premonitions have been about death. About my death.
- I don't want to hear this. - And thing is, they're all silly.
What do you mean "silly"?
In one, I slip on a banana peel and fall into a giant vat of whipped cream.
- Silly and fattening. - In another, a turtle eats me.
- A turtle? How? - Very slowly. There's lots of chewing.
And in your premonition you didn't run away...
from what is perhaps the slowest land animal on the earth?
His first bite injects me with immobilizing poison.
You left that part out.
This last one's a little more gory. I'm out hunting...
- A favorite Lorelai Gilmore pastime. - And my shotgun backfires.
My whole face spins around a bunch of times...
and winds up in the back of my head like Daffy Duck.
That's the silliest one yet.
If that's how I go, you gotta promise to move my face...
back to the front of my head like Daffy did with his beak.
I should be writing this down.
You can remember to move my face to the front of my head.
It depends on what I have going on that week.
Hello, Stars Hollow! Are you ready to rock?
Let me guess, band practice tonight?
Yes, we're going to learn our fourth song.
- That's practically a set. - I'm impressed.
Once we have a set, we'll get a gig...
and once we get a gig, we'll get a record deal.
- Swallow. - And then after we get a record deal...
we'll get really famous and give all of these interviews...
about how horrible it is to be famous...
and how we never wanted this, all we care about is the music...
and fame is gonna tear us apart. It will be great.
And rehearsing in the music shop's been working out?
Perfectly. It's totally time-efficient.
Being a 30-second commute from my house...
we practice for two hours, I'm home in time...
to watch reruns of Johnny Yune's talk show on Korean TV with my mom...
who thinks I hooked up with you guys, which I did, so I'm not even lying.
- You're kind of lying. - I'm fibbing, but a fib is not a lie.
- I'd say it's a fib/lie. - It's not a lie, and I can always tell...
'cause the few times I've out-and-out lied to my mother...
I get this feeling in my gut like a wild animal is burrowing into it.
- I'm not getting that. - Wild animals burrowing into my stomach.
- Another of my premonitions. - Spooky.
Gotta go.
I'm single-handedly improving the reputation of drummers...
by being on time for every rehearsal.
Thanks for the food.
- Excuse me. - Lane took mine.
This band thing is not working out for me.
Let's go. See you, Luke.
See you.
Turn sideways.
That girl's a freak.
Make a hole.
[Playing London Calling by The Clash]
Whoa. You guys, hold it.
- It doesn't sound right. - Sounded good to me.
- No, it's wrong. Something's missing. - Yeah, volume.
We can't play any louder.
- We've got to. - That's the agreement.
Free practice space, but we have to play quietly.
Try and live with it, Zack.
Brian's breathing is louder than the song.
I've got a deviated septum.
All the women in my family and me have it.
It's throwing me off.
Hold your breath when we're playing, Brian. There, problem solved.
Come on, now, let's rock. 1, 2, 3...
Wait. The bottom line here...
is breathing should not be louder than a rock band.
- Am I right or am I right? - You're right.
Rygalski, we need to crank it up.
Just listen harder. That'll make it sound louder.
Can't we turn it up at all?
Maybe we could possibly turn the amps up from three to three and a half...
- but that's it. - Forget it.
Zack, come on, we just got started.
Dude, Lawrence Welk cranked louder than this.
- It's a waste of time. - Wait, Zack, no. You don't understand.
We can't play louder. My mom has this special antenna...
that picks up non-Christian music played in a football field's distance...
of our house, and she'd come looking for me to shield me from the perversion.
If Zack's going, I'm going.
Wait, no, Brian, I'm not exaggerating.
Once, a guy in our town named Kirk was practicing Bohemian Rhapsody...
with his band, and my mom shut them down so fast...
that the band fled without their instruments...
and never came back for them.
To this day, Kirk can't listen to Queen without tearing up.
Having a free practice space was cool and all...
but not like this.
- We should just rent a space in Hartford. - Hartford. Connecticut?
It's not that far.
Or maybe how about France? We could practice there.
Or Iceland! The moon's probably available. We could crank it way up on the moon.
A word, please?
Dave, talk to them! You're the leader! That's insubordination going on in there!
They should be flogged, strung up from the highest yardarm!
You know I can't. We're supposed to be a one-for-all band...
like The Clash or U2. It's a democracy.
Democracies are overrated. Get in there and kick some butts!
- That's not how it works. - I'll fix Brian's deviated septum.
- I'll ram one of my sticks up his nose! - Do you believe this is working?
No, it's not working. We sound like a bunch of wankers.
We need a real practice space. We need to be able to really play.
Wouldn't you like to be able to hit both the cymbals?
- Yeah. - Then we need to do this.
- I just don't want to leave the band. - What? You can't leave the band.
That's not what anyone wants, especially me.
Lane, you're perfect for us. It's working.
So I have to figure out a way...
to rehearse in Hartford two or three nights a week.
Yeah, that's not so tough.
No, and maybe at the same time, I'll attempt to master quantum physics...
and throw Sanskrit in there, too.
Do your best, not with the Sanskrit thing,
that's pretty worthless, but with the band.
I'll try.
There's no way you're gonna become our Pete Best.
- There's no way. - You're sweet.
- We should get back in there. - Okay, I'll be in, in a minute.
LANE: Rack your brains. We've really gotta think here.
RORY: It's quite a pickle.
No, Rory, pickles are smaller. This is much bigger than a pickle.
- Let's stop saying the word "pickle." - Fine.
How many nights a week would you have to go to Hartford?
Two, plus a weekend afternoon.
So that's three big blocks of time you'd have to account for.
Very big blocks of time.
Plus you have no car to transport your drums as of yet.
Or a driver's license.
Or any drums, because you're borrowing them from the shop.
Temporarily, until I can buy my own set...
with money I don't know where I'm gonna get.
- That's more than a pickle. - You're making light. Now stop and focus.
And turn down the Cornershop. It's distracting.
Your Coltrane is distracting. Turn that down.
I'm in angst here, and Coltrane speaks to my soul. I can't turn it down.
Fine, in deference to your soul, I'll turn mine down.
Here's a crazy thought. How about you tell your mom the truth...
and insist that she lets you play with the band...
and rehearse in Stars Hollow loudly as long as your schoolwork doesn't suffer?
I'm sorry, was that a serious suggestion?
- It's worth a shot. - You're thinking your mom here.
If I said that to mine, she'd start waving a crucifix at me.
If she says no, she says no, but right now, you're out of options.
[Telephone tone]
We have another call. Just think about it?
Okay, I will, and you know I like Cornershop.
- I know. Bye. - Bye.
- Hello? - Hi, Rory?
This is Debbie Fincher, Kathy's mom from Stars Hollow High.
- Hi, Mrs. Fincher. - Hi right back to you.
We miss you since you started that fancy school of yours.
- Is it fun? - It's hard, but I like it.
Super. Listen, is your mom home?
Sure, just a second. Say hi to Kathy for me.
- I will. - Hold on.
Phone. It's Debbie Fincher.
Who?
From Stars Hollow High. Kathy Fincher's mom.
I remember Kathy.
You met Debbie many times, had many conversations with her...
at bake sales, school plays, the PTA.
Not ringing a bell.
I used to go swimming at her house all the time.
You and Debbie had long chats when you dropped me off.
No.
Blond hair, medium height, drove a Range Rover.
Does she also breathe and have toes?
Narrow it down to less than 8,000 possibilities.
- I did with the swimming. - I remember the water.
Come on, blond hair, medium height.
See? Even you can't think of another way to describe her.
You have no memory of this woman?
All those Stars Hollow moms looked alike...
except for Lane's mom...
and that one with the freaky glass eye that never moved.
- Take the phone. - Hi, Debbie, how are you?
Great, Lorelai. And yourself?
Just fine, thanks.
The gang and I have missed you so much at school events.
- You were always such a kick. - I've really missed you and the gang.
Listen, I have a proposition for you.
The PTA likes to ask prominent locals in business...
if they could talk to the students about how they got to where they are...
the hard work, success stories, and we thought about you.
To suggest people I know who have success stories?
No, silly, we'd like for you to address the class.
Me? Really?
Yes. You're a young woman, and you run that beautiful inn.
It's a huge responsibility, and you do it with such style.
That's really sweet. It's always nice to be well-thought of.
Before we go any further, I'm dying to know...
- how's Kathy? What's she up to? - She is just terrific.
She's applied to a couple of schools in California...
so she's really excited...
She wants me to speak to some kids about my business success.
- Really? That's great. - What are you doing with the phone?
She's blabbing about her kid. We probably got another 30 seconds.
- You're awful. - No, I'm a kick. Should I do it?
- Toot your own horn a little. - I'm a success. Who'd have thought?
I suspected you had it in you.
From rags to riches. I wonder why Larry King hasn't called.
- Mom, Debbie, please? - So the internship will keep her local...
which is a nice bonus for Bill and me, you know?
Sure, yeah. Be sure to say hi to her and to Bill...
and by the way, yes, I'd be happy to talk to the class.
Terrific! The gang will be so thrilled!
Now, there'll probably be a second speaker with you. You mind?
Fine. Who's it gonna be?
We have some suggestions, but do you know anyone?
My friend the Sultan of Brunei is so hard to pin down.
There's that sense of humor.
We were considering Luke Danes, but he usually turns these things down.
- I could talk to him, if you'd like. - That would be just terrific.
The two of you together would be a kick.
Then I'll just kick him till he agrees to do it. How does that sound?
- Thursday at 4:00 p.m. Is that okay? - I'll be there, Deb.
- You rat! You rat! - What?
You remembered how much I hate being called Deb.
I'm wicked.
Thank you, Lorelai, and I'll talk to you soon.
Okay. Bye. She hates being called Deb.
I'll make a mental note.
I'm so proud of my little success.
Stop it. Don't run.
Just walk in there and tell her what you want.
She's your mother and she wants you to be happy.
On some level, I think. Maybe not.
What are you doing? Do not back off. Just move.
Move your foot. One foot. Lane! Move your foot.
- Lane! - Yeah?
- Come with me. - Okay.
Sit. You want tea?
- Mama, I want... - Sit.
Sorry.
I wanted to talk to you about something...
an idea I had... Have for me to do...
something that would be very beneficial to me and you by extension...
because if one person is happy, the other person is happy...
and so I had an idea of how I could be, and then you could be...
Tea would be good.
Here. I want you to fill these out.
- What are these? - College applications.
What?
Don't worry, every one in this pile approved by me and Rev. Mellmen.
I haven't heard of one of these schools.
They're all good religious programs...
and I've already thrown out the ones...
that let boys and girls sit in the cafeteria together. The party schools.
- Great. - I will help you fill them out...
and we'll mail them on the way to choir practice.
- Yes, Mama. - Good.
"If you meet Jesus walking on the street..."
"What are the three questions you would like to ask?"
Your speech for that class?
Just some talking points.
And this speech is about your success in business, yes?
Pretty much.
You must feel very fortunate to live in a tiny town...
where people make very little money.
It elevates you by comparison.
I wonder who their last speaker was, the fellow in short pants...
that walks up and down the square with a metal detector?
I wouldn't know.
And if they find someone who drives a car...
that is less than eight years old, what'll they do...
crown him king of successful people?
Unless it's a woman. Then they'll crown her queen.
[Telephone ringing]
- And if they... - Go away.
Independence Inn. Lorelai speaking.
- I'm backing out. - Too late. Sorry.
- I'm not speaking to that stupid class. - But you agreed.
- I'm out. Case closed. No debate. - Great, fine...
do what you want. I guess I'm just out the $1,000 deposit.
- What deposit? - For the room.
- What room? - For the afterwards thing.
You're talking crazy talk to confuse me, aren't you?
- Aren't you? - What?
- Who? - Stop.
- Bye. - Hold on a second.
I agreed to this under coercion.
- You said yes on your own. - I said yes because when I said no...
you talked baby talk loudly in front of all my customers...
until I got so sick of it, I just agreed to do it to shut you up.
I'm incorrigible.
It's not a binding agreement. It's coercion.
You gave in just in time...
because I was about to transition out of baby talk...
and into my Louis Armstrong voice...
and that, my friend, is a lot worse than baby talk.
- I hate that building. - What, the school?
Three years of going there, I have no good memories.
You must have some.
None. Kids were as dumb then as they are now.
I think you'll enjoy this.
Think about going back to your high school to give a talk.
How would that feel?
Okay, not all your points are bad, but it's not my school.
It's your school. If you cancel, this whole town will know...
and when you walk down the street people will whisper:
"There goes that Luke. He's a real talk-canceler guy."
Ouch.
Plus, I promised the PTA, so my fragile reputation is on the line.
- I think you'll live. - Oh, Luke.
No.
[Imitating Louis Armstrong]
Stop that.
I'll just hang up.
Have you been diagnosed?
See you tomorrow at 4:00.
It was a fine collection, believe me.
She made you apply to every one?
And measured my head for a wimple.
Out of 23 schools, there wasn't one you might want to go to?
Depends on what I'm looking for.
All the great Seventh-day Adventist schools were represented...
with their ban on dancing, gum chewing, and bowling.
Quaker college was a delightful surprise...
with its special appeal from Richard Nixon...
who's dead but still deeply involved in campus recruiting.
And the pièce de résistance. She found an Amish school in Nicaragua.
Nicaragua! A big shout out to Mama Kim on that one.
Mama Kim always starts out super serious but then lightens with time.
But I don't have time.
Schools I like will fill up, and my beloved band...
will find another drummer. If it's a girl...
- I'll be twice as mad! - Calm down.
No, calm is for losers. I spent my whole life compromising...
being the good girl, not doing what I want.
Or doing what I want, hiding it, and feeling guilty for it...
and I'm sick of it.
I even lost my first boyfriend because of all this.
- What boyfriend? - Henry.
Right, Henry.
See? That's how pathetic my life is.
I'm calling a boyfriend a guy I never went out on a date with...
and that my best friend doesn't remember...
which is not your fault, there's nothing to remember.
Besides PowerWalking, what are you gonna do about it?
- Take a stand. - What kind of stand?
Lane!
- Lane? - Follow my anger.
- What are you doing? - Choosing a color.
- You're gonna dye your hair? - Yes, I am. Lots of choices here.
- Help me narrow it down. - You can't do this.
Of course I can.
And walk around in a hood? How'll you hide this from your mom?
I'm not gonna hide it! That's the point.
Think about this for a second, at least.
I've been thinking about this my whole life.
Nothing's gonna change unless I change it, and now's the time.
I need to make a statement, one I can't go back on or chicken out on...
one that everyone can see, and this is my instrument.
It says, "This is me. This is Lane Kim."
That is you. It's black hair dye.
This is merely a prop until we find my true color.
Now, what do you think? Pink?
Or is that too Pink, the singer? And Kelly Osbourne?
And Gwen Stefani?
Man, there's a lot of cheese associated with pink.
Okay, pink's out. There's blue! What about blue?
Blue's probably not right for your skin tone...
and I agree with you about pink.
- What about purple? - Yes! Purple! You're brilliant!
- Don't forget the bleach. - Bleach! Right! Okay, I'll get the bleach!
- Thank you! - And make sure that you get some...
gloves.
Got them.
Good.
You all right?
- Yeah, fine. Let's go. - It's a good day today, isn't it?
- $12.52. - And I've got exact change for you.
Super.
- You need something? - No, I just...
I was wondering if there's a money-back guarantee.
You know, in case her hair falls out or something.
Sure, if your hair falls out, we'll give you your money back.
Good. You heard that.
The second you go bald, you can come get your money back.
You're putting a damper on my independence day.
Sorry. Let's go.
Lucas!
- Hey. - Hey.
- Did you lose track of time? - What? Why?
- It's 4:00. - I know.
We're supposed to be at school.
- I know. - But you're not ready.
What? Right, sorry.
- Okay, I'm ready. - Au contraire.
- What? - You are so not ready.
- What? - The grunge look is out.
- I'm not dressing up for this. - You need something better than that.
The whole point of this stupid talk...
was for us to talk about our work and success.
This flannel shirt is my most successful outfit.
I've closed many a deal in this outfit.
- It's my power outfit. - Come on.
- Let go. You're pinching me! - Go!
I don't want to change.
I'll buy you a toy afterward. You want a toy?
- Sorry to barge in. - No problem.
- What was that about a toy? - Luke is getting one if he's a good boy.
Can we make this more demeaning?
Hey. Go downstairs and help out Caesar.
I think my education comes first, don't you?
- My God. Jimmy Buffett? - Put that back.
You like Jimmy Buffett? He's so mellow.
I've just been to a few shows. That's all.
A few shows? My God, you're a Buffett-head.
Is that the one you want me to wear?
- Sing Margaritaville. - No.
- That attitude's gonna lose you that toy. - Stay out of this.
- We've got ourselves a winner. - Fine. Come on.
Just change in here.
I'll be more comfortable in here.
I've seen you swimming at the lake, so I've seen you with your shirt off.
Lately? 'Cause he's really let himself go.
I'll be one second.
Lose the baseball cap, too.
You run the risk of his head falling off without it.
I think he'll be okay.
- Something wrong? - No.
I just...
Happy?
Thrilled. A tie with that would be just great.
We're leaving.
It's gotta be something I don't have to put together.
- What? - My toy.
Talk good.
We're late.
By the way, Jess had a girl in the closet.
- What? - Come on.
Who? What was that? What about the closet?
Okay, combs, rags, instructions, timer, towels, tunes.
- All systems are go. - So far so good.
Now, are you sure about this?
- Will you stop? - I'm just making sure.
I'll sign a waiver, if you want. Hit play, please.
- We should open a window, shouldn't we? - It's freezing outside.
The bleach is gonna stink up the whole house.
Let it be the first clue that something's happened...
for when my mom gets home.
Let the thick smell of bleach meet her at the doorway...
like a force that'll usher her into the next chapter of Lane Kim's life!
The smell of bleach is the smell of freedom!
You're very dramatic today.
To hell with the floor! That felt good to say.
- You done? - I'm done.
Take your seat, please. And here we go.
- How you doing? - Fine.
- Feeling good? - Feeling great. This is such a catharsis.
I have never felt so naturally high in my life.
- Stings a little, though. - Yeah, that happens.
But just a little. No biggie.
More than a little, actually. It's kind of a big little.
- Just keep me posted. - In that case, it's kind of a lot.
Yep, a lot of sting happening here.
Try thinking about something else.
- God, this smells awful. - Okay, thinking about something else.
Something else. Thinking about puppy dogs.
Thinking about getting things in the mail.
- I love getting letters and packages. - Got a package.
- What's that? - Jim Carrey says that in Ace Ventura.
Good distraction.
Thinking about world events.
Lots going on there. About the last movie I saw. Vin Diesel was in it.
Thinking about where Vin Diesel got his name.
Thinking about Vin Diesel's mysterious ethnicity.
Thinking about how surprising it is...
to have so much to think about with Vin Diesel. Who knew?
Okay, now I'm just thinking about the pain.
Back to Vin Diesel.
I've exhausted Vin Diesel, but the pain's not exhausted.
What kind of pain is it?
Ever light your head on fire? I know how it feels.
I'll rinse it out.
We'd have to start all over again, and I'll chicken out for sure.
- I'm getting dizzy from the smell. - Read the bottle.
Tell me what to do in case of pain.
"Do not apply to a broken scalp."
Is your scalp broken?
- Maybe. I don't know my scalp that well. - There's nothing else.
A girl told me once if your scalp is hurting from bleach, drink a 7-Up.
The Kim household does not have soft drinks.
What do you got?
Something called salad water, from Korea.
- Believe me, it's nothing like 7-Up. - We have to open this window.
- I must do something. - Run around the block.
- Why? - I don't know!
Good enough for me.
It's so good of you both to do this, really.
We're happy to be here. Right?
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah.
It must be fun to be back at your old alma mater.
I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy here.
Don't let him fool you.
He told me he was so excited about today, he couldn't sleep last night.
We're all excited, too. It's been so long since we saw you.
We had some laughs with this one, let me tell you.
- Yeah, she's a funny one. - The book fair in '97.
What you said to that one rude customer.
Priceless how you put him in his place.
Yeah, I put that man in his place all right.
What you said to him. How could anyone forget?
Yeah.
"Hey, old man."
"Stick a crowbar in your wallet..."
"And cough up some dough, 'cause this is for our kids!"
You do remember!
It's emblazoned up here, all those good times.
Definitely.
Now, everyone's gathered.
The vice principal will finish up, and then we'll call you in.
- Lorelai, you want to go first? - Yeah, sure. Is that okay?
- It's okay by me. - Great. See you in a minute.
I couldn't pick that woman out of a lineup if my life depended on it.
- Will you lighten up? - No, I won't lighten up.
I hate this place. Still smells the same.
Old, repressive.
Being back here doesn't make you nostalgic at all?
I liked the final bell. That's about it. What are those?
- They're my notes for the talk. - You put thought into this?
- Yeah. Don't you have notes? - I run a diner. What are my notes?
People come in, they order food, I cook the food...
I serve the food, they eat it.
Then there's a terrific action sequence where I refill coffee and water.
My big finale is a description...
of the whole end-of-the-evening, mopping-up ceremony.
You're sure you don't mind me going first?
There's a good chance you'll yak so much they won't even get to me.
Oh, my God.
- What? - Nothing at all, Butch.
For the love of... What's that doing there?
What's it doing? It's yelling, "Mock me."
- It shouldn't be there. - No, you're right.
It should have its own special display at the diner under a spotlight.
Don't they need my permission? This should be illegal.
Those shorts with that tank top should be illegal.
- Stop now. - What was your girlfriend's name? Sissy?
As a matter of fact, no.
The girls just swooned when Butch Danes took the field.
I knew there was another good reason not to do this.
[Doing Southern accent] No, don't walk away, Butch.
If I thought you didn't care, I'd just die!
It's weird.
Like straw.
I feel like I should be singing If I Only Had a Brain.
Now, you feel better? Burning's completely gone?
Completely. I even think the salad water's helping.
Okay, here goes nothing.
Have you mentioned dyeing your hair to the band yet?
No, but they've all got tattoos.
Dave and Zack have musical themes, and Brian's got Snoopy.
- Poor guy. - But he's a slamming bass player.
So you haven't even mentioned it to Dave?
- I just said I didn't tell the band. - Not even Dave?
Not even to Dave. What's with all the pressing?
- Dave's just different from the other two. - He's the de facto leader.
But it also seemed like from the day you guys met...
there's something happening.
What are you talking about?
You're always talking about him. You're always thinking about him.
And now with this hair emancipation of yours...
you're going to unheard-of lengths to make a statement to your mom...
about who you are so you can have a shot at staying in the band.
- Rory, Dave and I are professionals. - I know.
Plus, the rock 'n' roll highway is littered with casualties...
of band members who have dated and broken the band apart.
- That's a sensible attitude. - Very sensible.
Dave and I are very sensible people.
- I'm in love with him. - I know.
Is it that obvious?
Only to a guy with sunglasses and a dog selling pencils.
- He's so cute. - Definitely cute.
And smart.
That's such a rare package. It's usually one or the other.
It's wrong, but that's the way it usually is.
It increases the competition for the Daves of the world.
- You're rare, too, don't forget. - I've never really felt this way before.
Henry, yes, but we never spent any real time together.
It's not just puppy love. It's different.
I get butterflies in my stomach when I think about him...
and when I call him to work out times for band practice...
the ring of his telephone gets me really excited.
And last week, someone said "Dave" at school...
it wasn't even about my Dave, and I almost lost it, I got so shaky.
- "My Dave." That's so cute. - Stop it.
- This sounds like love to me. - It does, doesn't it? My first love. Wow.
Yeah. Wow.
I finally have a first love, like what you and Dean have.
Right.
Exactly.
Of course, I don't exactly have what you and Dean have...
because you love Dean and Dean loves you back.
In my situation, I love Dave...
and Dave thinks that I have a decent sense of rhythm.
- Don't move. You'll drip. - God, you're so lucky.
To love a guy who actually knows you love him and who loves you back?
That's gotta be the best feeling ever.
I think this purple's gonna look good.
I want that really bad.
You will have your perfect first love and second love...
and any other love you want because you're great...
and purple heads will not be denied.
That should have been put on the box.
Okay, now head down, please.
[Door opening]
- Okay, we're all ready for you guys. - Great. Excellent.
Okay, Luke, you can have a seat here while Lorelai's talking, okay?
Okay.
- What's that? "Luke plus Sissy." - Start your speech.
Okay, everyone, we're ready to begin.
We have two local luminaries here to talk to us today.
You probably all recognize Luke Danes from his fabulous diner...
but we're really excited to begin...
with a former Stars-Hollow-High mom, Lorelai Gilmore.
No, no, save it for when I wow you with my brilliance.
I'm really happy to be here with you all today.
I recognize a lot of you from over the years...
and you're all getting taller and older.
Stop it.
Anyhow, as some of you know, I run the Independence Inn.
Sounds simple, running an inn.
The sentence is simple. The job is not.
Like most jobs, mine involves many other people...
people it is my job to hire, to train, and to inspire...
because when you have good employees, it makes you look good.
- Questions already? Are questions okay? - They're encouraged.
- You're Rory Gilmore's mom, aren't you? - Yes, I am, and proud of it.
Is that it? I hope all your questions are that easy.
Okay, now. Why is it necessary to inspire employees?
Why can't you just train them and let them do their jobs?
Yes?
Didn't you get pregnant when you were 16?
Sixteen. It was around that age. That's sounds right.
Okay.
Different people working for you will have different needs.
- Yeah? - What about school?
Did you drop out when you got pregnant with Rory?
No, technically, I didn't drop out.
I kept going as long as I could, which I would recommend to any girl.
Not the "getting pregnant" part, obviously.
Although, if that happens... It shouldn't.
I mean, it could, but you should try to avoid it.
Anyway, I got my GED. Yeah.
Lorelai? Why don't we move this along?
Yes, moving it along. Okay.
- I should have been more organized here. - Are you sorry you got pregnant?
No. It brought me Rory.
But timing is everything. I mean, I could have...
Sixteen. You guys are 16, right? And is that clock right?
What do you mean by timing?
If you had waited and had a baby with another man...
It wouldn't have been Rory, right?
You know what's fun? Late check out.
But it was good you got pregnant when you did, because you got Rory.
Look, you guys, this is a very important subject...
and in another time...
I would love to take you for coffee...
and talk about if you should even be allowed to drink coffee...
because coffee is for older...
Butch Danes, everybody.
[Lots of kids talking at once]
[Lane laughing gleefully]
RORY: What? LANE: It's perfect! I love it!
Stop primping and get out here.
Whoa.
- It's everything I hoped it would be. - It's very rock 'n' roll.
- We've gotta take a picture. - Get the camera.
I am a Kodak picture spot.
- Should I scowl or smile? - Surprise me.
This is the most radical thing a Kim has done...
since my cousin Nam got caught reading Maxim at summer camp.
[Bell chiming]
That must be your mom.
Lane?
Lane, you're turning white. What's wrong?
- Lane! - I can't do this.
- Can't do what? - Dye my hair.
It's too late.
- This'll kill her. - It'll just shock her.
The shock would kill her, then she'll kill me.
We're talking bloodbath here.
- We've gotta put it back. - Put it back?
Back to black. Right now! Hurry! Go!
- Go where? - Back to the store for black hair dye.
- No. - Yes.
This is insane.
I just drank a gallon of liquid salad.
Insanity is a daily staple at the Kim house.
- Go. - Okay, I'm going.
Where are you going?
- You're messing with my mind. - Not that way, Mom will see you.
My head is my normal color. She can see me.
If she sees you, she'll come looking for me.
You owe me.
Big time, forever. Now make like the wind. Go.
[Salesgirl laughing]
All I know is I don't have it, so it's gotta be at your place.
You're not looking for it. You're watching TV. I can tell.
Yeah, whatever. I'll just get a new one.
So what are we doing tonight?
No. I'm sick of eating. I've been eating like a pig. I feel all bloaty.
It's a word 'cause I said it. That's how words get invented...
'cause people say them, and then others say them.
You're such a jerk sometimes, and I'm always nice to you.
- Excuse me. - I get off at the same boring time.
Excuse me? I don't have all day.
- Hold on a sec. Will this be all? - Yeah, that'll be all.
- I'm growing a beard here. - What's your problem?
"What's your problem?"
I'm a customer in a hurry, and you're supposed to assist me.
I am assisting you.
After you took your sweet time getting off the phone...
which, clearly, was not a business call.
Un-freaking-believable.
It is. The level of service in this place is just that.
Un-freaking-believable.
Have a nice day.
Yeah, thanks. You, too.
And by the way, "bloaty" is not a word.
There's "bloated," there's "bloating," but no "bloaty."
Thanks. That's fascinating.
For you, how ice is made is probably fascinating. See you.
[Luke laughing]
- Don't. - I'm trying not to. I swear.
I'm not trying hard. I'll grant you that.
What was with those kids, so curious, so full of questions?
Shouldn't their brains be completely fried on TV and video games by now?
- It wasn't funny. - Not from your angle.
From mine, it was An Evening at the Improv.
I'm not gonna be allowed within a mile of the school ever again.
On the positive side, you did me a favor.
Now I have a pleasant memory from there.
You being nailed like a two-by-four by a group of 16-year-olds.
- Oh, no. What's this? - Looks like high noon in Stars Hollow.
They're not carrying tar and feathers, are they?
Hi, everybody!
Wow. It's the whole gang! What's up?
I felt obligated to tell the other moms...
about your little performance at school...
- before they heard about it elsewhere. - Really?
Usually, I like to meet up at Sardi's after a performance.
Wait for the reviews. I hope the Times liked me.
Nothing.
So you're preaching to our daughters that it's okay to get pregnant at 16.
Am I getting that right?
No, not at all. I was answering their questions.
It's your answers we didn't like.
I was talking about my job...
but your kids kept asking about my pregnancy. What could I do?
Fend them off! Change the subject!
I tried, Debbie, but they kept coming at me...
like I was Poland and they were Nazis.
Remember when I used to make you laugh?
There's nothing funny about this.
Their questions just threw me off.
Sounds like you just flaunted your mistakes.
Now, hold on. You have no right to judge me.
All I said was that for my particular circumstances...
things worked out okay. I advocated nothing to them.
You're all acting like I walked into that room...
- tossing condoms in the air. - Might as well have.
Fine, next time, I'll bring a banana, and we'll have a little show-and-tell!
What kind of mother are you?
The kind that doesn't gloss over things
just because they're a little uncomfortable.
This whole incident was awkward and unnecessary.
No, Deb, I'd say, Deb, that what's awkward and unnecessary...
is that you all seem to go to the same lousy hairdresser.
How about mixing it up a little, girls?
- I gotta get going. You good here? - Yeah, I'm good.
You don't have to take that tone.
You ambush me, then you're offended by my tone?
- Hey. - Hey.
So what's going on out there?
Just Lorelai dealing with some women about something or other.
So I did that thing at the school today.
Yeah, it went pretty well. All the kids seemed relatively unarmed.
I just told them about the diner and cooking things...
and I expect kids all over town will rush out tomorrow and buy a spatula.
Checking for monsters?
No, just didn't want to accidentally bump into someone in there.
What are you talking about?
Did you have a girl stashed in there before?
Before what?
Lorelai said you were hiding a girl here earlier.
- Were you? - Yes.
Jess, you don't shove a girl in a closet.
I did not shove her in the closet. She got in voluntarily.
Sure.
Shane freaked when she heard you guys coming.
Next thing I know, she's in there.
I personally didn't care if you guys saw us or not.
But women, right? You can't live with them.
You can't keep them from jumping in the closet.
You and I have got to have a little talk.
If you're gonna get all Ward Cleaver on me...
I gotta go call Eddie and Lumpy and tell them I'm gonna be late.
Shut up for a second, would you?
Look, I know you're at an age where the whole girl thing is...
you know, on your mind a lot...
and it's probably not helping you to think straight...
with all the hormones that are raging around in there.
My point is...
you gotta think about things a little better, you know?
The way you act.
If you care about a girl the way you do with this Shane...
- I don't care about her. - What?
- I don't even know her last name. - You're kidding.
She mentioned it once. Didn't stick.
If you don't care about her, what are you doing with her?
Just hanging with her. No biggie.
You gotta be doing something more than hanging with her.
Something to make her jump in a closet when people come into the room.
Relax, will you? All's good.
Jess, this isn't right. You can't treat a girl like this, like dirt.
If it's any consolation, she treats me like dirt, too.
It's a pretty symbiotic relationship.
- And that's fine with you? - Yes, it is.
To just go along in a relationship...
you treat somebody bad, and they treat you bad back.
- That's right. - That makes you happy?
I'd do back flips, but I am way too cool.
- That makes absolutely no sense. - Doesn't have to make sense to you.
There are plenty of other girls out there in the world.
Don't you have to go back to the diner?
You could go out and at least find one that you actually care about.
- Like it's that easy. - It's that easy if you try.
The girls that I like don't give a damn about me.
And unlike some other people I know, I'm not gonna sit around...
hoping that they change their minds and suddenly notice me.
What's that supposed to mean?
You fixed any neighbor's porches lately, or you go on a picnic...
or you get rooked into giving a ridiculous speech at a high school?
- Shut up. - At least I've got a little self-esteem.
- Shut up. - I'm not playing golden retriever...
hoping someday she'll turn around and fall in my arms.
If she doesn't want to be with me, then fine!
You have no idea what you're talking about.
Whatever. I gotta go. Shane's waiting.
You mean what's-her-name?
Yeah, I'll bring you a new leash when I get back.
Get out of here.
- Busy day. - I'm pretty exhausted.
I guess it was just too big of a statement for me to make right now.
- Maybe. I just thought of something. - What?
Technically, you have dyed hair.
- I do, don't I? - Yeah.
Dyed my natural color, yes, but dyed nonetheless.
Not one strand of real color on that head of yours.
I guess that means we can score this as a victory, right?
Absolutely. Put it in the victory column.
That girl's a freak.
- What was that about? - It's been a very long day.
People who like me. Great.
- How was your talk at the school? - Just peachy.
- Is your hair blacker? - I wish you hadn't have said that.
It's not noticeable. Stay out of bright lighting.
- What happened? - I dyed my hair. Then I dyed it back.
But for a full 30 minutes, I looked like this.
Whoa! You looked cool. You're insane.
I got sane again, but I will always have that picture.
- Hide it at your place? - Will do.
I gotta go, and remember, we still need a plan.
Yes, we do. Why do we need a plan?
A plan so that Lane doesn't have to quit her band.
Lane can't quit the band. She has to get famous and introduce me to Bono!
- I told her that. - All right, let's go eat.
See if we can figure out a way to salvage my future as a groupie.
Let's go to AI's Pancake World. He's doing a salute to Jamaica again.
As long as AI doesn't play the kettle drums all night.
We'll hide his mallets when he's not looking.
- So come on, tell me how the talk went. - It was great.
It was one minute on my success in the business world...
and that went very well, and it was 10 minutes on the possibility...
that if I had had sex with a different man, at a different time...
you wouldn't have been born.
- What? - I kind of got off on a tangent.
- A big one. How did that happen? - I'll tell you about it at AI's.
Just don't expect to be invited to any more swim parties at Kathy's house.
- Don't wait till AI's. Tell me now. - I just love my little fluke.
Come on, what happened?
All right. It started off really good...
and then all these kids started asking me all these questions...