- How are the eggs? - Good.
I'm glad.
- They're still good. - I'm still glad.
- Look, freak, we'll not be late. - It's the first day.
- I want to get there early. - We will. I promise.
I have different classes this year. My routes aren't the same.
I haven't found the quickest path around. And they moved my locker.
If it doesn't work properly I'll have to get a new one.
God knows how long that'll take and where it'll be.
That could send the whole day into chaos.
I'm just excited.
- Thank God, you haven't left yet. - No, what's up?
I found the greatest record store in the world.
It's 10 minutes from your school. How much do you love me?
Address?
Record Breaker Incorporated, 2453 Berlin Turnpike.
- Got it. Place your order now. - Yes. Okay.
Charles Mingus, The Black Saint And The Sinner Lady.
- The Sonics, Here Are the Sonics. - Burn me a copy.
- Next. - MC5, Kick Out The Jams.
Fairport Convention, Liege & Lief. Bee Gees, Odessa.
Really?
- Mojo says. - So it must be true.
That's it.
If I could find a copy of Whistler, Chaucer, Detroit and Greenhill...
I will finally be done with the '60s.
I can get there today. Tomorrow at the latest.
- I love it when you go back to school. - Me, too.
I am getting doughnuts for later. As soon as I do, I'll take you to school...
and nice men in white coats will pick you up.
Everybody, listen up:
Decide what you want, place your order, proceed to the end of the line.
- I want a burger. - I want grilled cheese.
And I want fries. And make them really crispy.
- I want mine crispy, too. - You didn't order fries.
You can't order crispy fries without first ordering fries.
Why not?
You can't make something crispy that doesn't exist.
- Why not? - Get him away from me.
Have some respect.
These boys just completed the first leg of their outdoor-survival training.
Meaning you had them sit under a tree and glue rocks together.
You're a very jaded man. What happened to you as a child?
A creepy guy in shorts and knee socks tried to sit me under a tree...
and glue rocks together.
- Put that down. - Why?
- Otherwise you're going under it. - I won't fit.
- Yes, you will. - Doughnuts, please.
- We were here first! - On the planet?
You lose. Chocolate cinnamon and sprinkles.
[Phone ringing]
[All exclaiming]
Pipe down!
Grumps, huh?
Yeah, I'm working. What do you think I'm doing?
Man. What did you do?
Excuse me? Are you serious?
Mr. Doose, she's not supposed to do that.
That's right. She's breaking the rules...
and people who break the rules...
end up very lonely with no friends because they become society's outcasts.
Planning on burning a little Huck Finn after lunch?
- Excuse me? - This is unbelievable!
You will never change, will you?
Okay, fine.
Do what you want, make the arrangements.
Now, I'm working. We'll finish this later.
- Is everything okay? - Do you have a sister?
- No. - I do.
- You have my sympathies. - Thanks. I appreciate that.
- Hey. - Hello.
- What are you doing? - Just redecorating the sidewalk.
- Looks nice. - You don't think too much blue?
- No, just enough. - Thanks for the input. You can go now.
- Need some help? - Nope.
Do you need some help?
Since when do you buy Frosted Flakes?
- Okay, now, what is going on? - Nothing.
Nothing? You just woke up this morning...
and decided to buy every food item in the world...
- that you don't actually eat? - It's not for me.
- Who is it for? - Someone who's not me.
- Like who? - Like my nephew.
- Your nephew's coming to visit. - No, he's coming to stay.
- Your sister's moving here? - No.
- I'm sorry, I don't get it. - There's nothing to get. She's just Liz.
She's busy, she can't handle him, she's sending him here.
Where's his dad?
The great prize that my sister picked up at a Der Wienerschnitzel...
left her about two years ago, whereabouts unknown.
So she's sending him here, just like that?
No, I'm sure she put at least five or six minutes of thought into it.
But why?
He's been getting into some trouble...
and Liz is afraid he's heading for something bad...
and rather than handle it herself, she's given up.
She's sending him here so I can straighten him out.
- You? - Yes.
- You can straighten him out? - Yes.
Luke, the great communicator, you're going to straighten the kid out?
All he needs is a change of pace, a new crowd...
and to get away from the nut job...
that unfortunately is my sister.
- How long is he staying? - I don't know. Indefinitely.
- How old is he? - Seventeen.
That is very generous of you.
- It's family. What else can you do? - Right.
- What kind of trouble has he gotten into? - Just kid stuff.
You know, staying out late, getting rowdy.
- I don't know exactly. - You might want to find out.
Ask a couple of subtle questions. Has he seen The Shawshank Redemption?
Did the setting seem homey to him? Stuff like that.
His problem is obvious. It's his mother.
We never could count on Liz for anything.
Our mom died when we were kids, right? It was just my dad, me, and Liz.
My dad worked all the time and I worked in the store with my dad...
and Liz was off doing God knows what.
I bet losing her mom so early was hard on her.
It was hard on all of us but we did our part.
And the minute she graduates high school, she is out of here.
Didn't matter that my dad was sick. Didn't matter that the store was failing.
She just took off. Married the hot dog king, had a kid, he left.
Now here we are.
- Yeah. I'm sorry, what are you doing? - I'm blowing this up.
- What is it? - It's a bed.
- A bed? - For Jess.
- Jess? - My nephew.
That's not a bed, that's a raft.
It's fine if you'll build a moat around the diner...
- It's fine. - The kid needs a bed.
If you want to get him something inflatable, make it a blonde.
I'm getting him a bed. This is just temporary.
- How does Jess feel about this? - I don't know.
- You haven't talked to him about it? - No.
- Don't you think you should? - Why? He doesn't have a choice.
His mom's a flake, he's coming here. End of story.
- Are you sure you're ready for this? - Of course.
Taking on a full-time kid, that's a lot of work.
I know.
A 17-year-old who's been in trouble and is being shipped off...
without his consent, that could be harder.
All he needs is to be around someone who's not a selfish basket case...
who will give him a little space, who will treat him like a man.
- You should think about this. - There's nothing to think about.
You take care of family. Period.
I respect that. But what if he turns out to be Fredo?
- Are you telling me not to do this? - No, I'm not.
Then what are you saying?
I'm just saying that if you need any help, I'm here.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
I got a lot of things to do before he gets here.
Okay, I'm leaving.
You do have an extra set of sheets, right?
Yes, I do.
Sorry. Just checking. Bye.
Sheets.
Okay, round two.
- Five seconds? - Four.
- Fine. - Now it's three.
- Paris, it does not have to be like this. - No?
You and I are going to spend a lot of time together on the Franklin.
I know.
We're going to sit in the same classroom, share the same oxygen.
- Occasionally make eye contact. - I can avoid that.
I'm not saying that we should be friends. I don't want that.
I'm just saying that we should look at this like life.
- Life? - Yes, in life...
there will be people you don't like but you have to coexist with.
- I'm well aware of that. - So I'm just suggesting that we coexist.
You're scared I'll make your life on the Franklin a living hell.
Especially since I'm the editor and you're...
What's the word? Not.
If you want to spend the precious energy that you would spend on the paper...
obsessing on making me miserable, then that's your choice.
I'm just suggesting an alternate plan.
The paper could be really great this year.
I know.
So can't we agree on that and make the rest of it go away?
Everything okay?
- Yeah, everything's fine. - We were just talking.
- Talking? You two? - About the Franklin.
Nope, still seems weird.
We're all on the paper together.
There's going to be a lot of long afternoons and weekends.
- We need to coexist. Right? - Right.
I'm sorry, back up to the weekends.
So that's what we'll do. The first meeting of the Franklin is today.
- Yes, it is. - 4:00.
Sounds good.
Weekends were never mentioned. I need my weekends.
All of this gets done on weekends.
- Jess. - Luke.
Okay, so...
This is my diner.
It belonged to your grandpa.
Here we are.
It's pretty simple. This is the room.
That's my bed. That's your bed for now, but the sheets are new.
There's the bathroom, there's the closet, there's the dresser...
the phone, and over there is the kitchen.
I've got Frosted Flakes.
Wow, that's great.
- Is that all your stuff? - Yup.
- Not much there. - Lizzie's sending the rest later.
- You need some help? - Nope.
I have to get back to the diner.
I'm going to close at 10:00, so I thought...
See you at 10:00.
- But wait. You need keys. - No, I don't.
I so don't want to know why.
PARIS: The op-ed page is sad. It's worse than sad. It's un-opinionated.
Pick a side, people.
- Rory. - Hey.
- Nice of you to join us. - I thought we were starting at 4:00.
No, we start at 3:15 sharp.
- We're wasting time here. - Take a seat.
Sorry.
Okay, so we were just finishing up handing out the first assignments.
Rory, unfortunately, since you got here so late...
everything of interest has been given out.
- Why, I'm shocked. - Wait, just let me check my list here.
There might be something left for you.
They're paving the new parking lot tomorrow.
- And? - You can cover it.
- Cover what? - The paving process.
- You're serious? - Absolutely.
I'm sure there's an angle somewhere.
Is it environmentally safe? What are the financial ramifications?
Should brick have been considered, taking into account the architecture?
Yeah, I get the idea.
If you think this is below you, you can wait until the next issue.
You can use this time to get a nice manicure.
- That's okay. - Maybe get a massage.
- I'll do it. - Aromatherapy. Smell like a peach.
- I'll do it, okay? I'll cover the paving. - Okay, good.
I guess that's it.
Problem, Miss Gilmore?
No problem at all. I love this assignment.
I'm glad.
I'll write the best piece on pavement you've read.
I hope so.
I'll be thrilled with next week's scoop on the plumbing installation.
I like a team player.
No matter how many crappy, stupid assignments you throw at me...
I'm not going to quit, and I'm not going to back down.
You can go home tonight and think about the fact...
that no matter what you do and how evil you are...
at the end of the year, on my high school transcript...
it will say that I worked on the Franklin.
If you'll excuse me, I have some reading to do on the origins of concrete.
A thousand words on my desk on Tuesday.
Sorry.
Hi.
- Sorry. - No, I just...
- You want some coffee? - I'll just lick it off the table.
- So? - So what?
- Is he here? - He's here.
- Yeah? How is he? - He's fine.
- Did he see the bed? - He saw the bed.
- Where is he? I want to meet him. - He's out.
- Out where? - I don't know.
- You don't? - No, he just went out.
- You didn't ask him where he was going? - No.
- Why not? - Because he's not two.
But, Luke, he's new in town. He doesn't know his way around yet.
Way around what? This is Stars Hollow.
Take three left turns, you're back in the center of town.
When a kid goes out, you have to ask where he's going.
- Why? - Because you're responsible for him now.
If he knocks over a liquor store, it's going to be your fault.
If I had asked him and he actually intended to knock off a liquor store...
you really think he would have told me?
- If he's dumb. - He's fine. New topic.
LUKE: Jess, good. I'd like you to meet someone.
Hi. I'm Lorelai.
I wanted to meet you before Luke filled your head...
with all kinds of lies about me.
You should meet my daughter. She's about your age.
She can show you where all the good wilding goes on.
Okay, it's nice to meet you.
I hope you like it here.
So, class dismissed.
LUKE: Are you hungry? 'Cause I can...
- So that's Jess. - Yep.
Very chatty.
He's adjusting. He just got here.
He probably just realized there are 12 stores in this town...
devoted entirely to peddling porcelain unicorns.
I've lived in this town my entire life, I still can't believe it.
- I'm sure that's it. - He'll be fine in a few days.
I have a fabulous idea. What are you doing tomorrow night?
Why?
Why don't you and Jess come over for dinner?
Sookie will cook, Rory will be there.
It'll be a little, "Hey, welcome to Stars Hollow.
"See, everyone here is not straight out of a Fellini film" kind of an evening.
- Okay, that would be nice. Thanks. - You're welcome.
- You won't bring up the bed? - I'll definitely bring up the bed.
- My God, I hate her. - Me, too.
- You've no idea who I'm talking about. - Solidarity, sister.
- Paris. - That I should have guessed.
- She can't torture me off the paper. - No, she can't.
I have never met anyone like her.
Her insistence on holding on to this stupid grudge...
that is based on nothing and will never end...
shows commitment that I would have never thought possible.
- I'm beginning to admire her. - First day sucked?
- Just the paper stuff. The rest was good. - I'm glad to hear it.
Did you happen to run into Max?
- Actually, no. - Really?
Yeah. Our paths just didn't cross.
- Isn't he your lit. teacher? - Yeah.
But I have really tall people sitting in front of me.
Rory.
I saw him in the hallway and I walked the other way.
Why?
I thought that's what you'd want me to do.
Just because Max isn't a part of my life anymore...
doesn't mean he can't be a part of yours.
He has to be. You have to see him and talk to him.
And that's okay. That's good.
I know everything seems screwed up right now...
but I don't want you to avoid him.
- Especially not on my account, okay? - All right.
- I'm sorry I put you in this position. - That's okay.
- It's going on the list. - My God, that list is getting long.
You have no idea.
We are having a gathering tomorrow night.
What kind of gathering?
Luke's nephew's here and I thought we could try...
- to make him feel at home. - You met him?
- Sort of. - What's he like?
He's not going to be subbing...
for the new dodo on the Regis show anytime soon.
Let's put it like that.
- You got unpacked? - Yep.
- Got enough space in the closet? - Plenty.
- You hungry? - Eighteen.
What?
Just counting how many questions till we hit 20.
Okay, never mind.
[Phone ringing]
Yeah, Liz, he got here fine.
- Got here at 10:00 this morning. - Hang on a second.
- Jess? - Pass.
- Come on. - Nope.
What am I supposed to tell her?
Tell her I got to take another crack at the closet.
I think I hung my Tool T-shirt next to my Metallica T-shirt...
and they don't get along.
You want me to tell her that?
You think a different band combo would sell it more?
Yeah, Liz, Jess is going to have to call you back.
Yeah, he's helping me out with a shelf thing and his hands are full.
Yeah, I'll tell him. Okay. Bye.
She said to tell you that your stuff will be here on Friday.
Great. We'll have a party.
You know, your mom thinks this is...
for the best, for your own good.
Anyhow, I guess you'll just call her when you feel like it.
Want to play some poker? $5 bucks a hand?
- No. - $10?
I can't go higher than $10.
- Okay, $15. - I don't want to play poker.
- You sure? - I'm sure.
Okey-dokey.
So listen, Lorelai, you met her today, remember?
Anyhow...
she invited us to her house tomorrow night for dinner.
Her daughter Rory, who you didn't meet, but you'll like...
'cause she's a lot like Lorelai...
but she's got a slightly tighter grasp on reality.
Anyhow, she'll be there.
It'd be a chance for you to meet more people...
and so I said yes.
[Door closing]
- Hello. - Hi.
You're early.
I felt so bad about the mix-up last time...
I wanted to make sure it didn't happen again.
It won't.
Did you hear that Kimber Slately and Tristin are a major item?
I thought she and Sean Asher were this year's John and Jackie.
Nope, Sean is with Dee McGuire now...
which pushed Jeff Traner into Dottie Lord's arms...
leaving Madison Maylands alone for the first weekend...
since he became captain of the lacrosse team.
You know so much so soon. You have the gift.
I know.
Paris, what do you think about me writing a gossip column for the Franklin?
I don't know. That's a hard one.
I mean, this is the Franklin...
a newspaper that's been around for almost 100 years.
There have been 10 former editors of the Franklin...
that have gone to the New York Times.
Six have gone on to the Washington Post.
Three are contributing editors at the New Yorker.
I think one even went on to win the Pulitzer prize.
But never mind them.
I could be the first editor in the history of the Franklin...
to introduce a column exclusively devoted to who Biffy's boffing today.
Quandary.
I'm going to have to get back to you on that one.
Okay.
Good, we're all here.
And prompt. Lovely.
I read everyone's article and they were all extremely well done.
Snappy, informative, well-researched.
Paris, you should be very proud of the team you've assembled.
Thank you.
When you've got a reporter who can take an incredibly mundane...
and seemingly unimportant subject...
like the repaving of the faculty parking lot...
and turn it into a bittersweet piece on how everybody and everything...
eventually becomes obsolete, then you've really got something.
Miss Gilmore, I was touched.
I owe it all to Paris.
I would strongly advise that next time you give Miss Gilmore...
something with more meat to it.
Yeah, great idea.
Okay. Let's get down to work.
We've got a layout to put together.
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
You must be very proud of yourself.
I'm not hiding when I pass a mirror.
It's part of my job to make sure that our best writers are writing our best pieces.
So I'm going to give you one of our best pieces.
Front page, lead story.
Get to the catch.
- No catch. - No catch?
I'd like to start our year off with a profile...
on the teacher voted most popular from last year.
You know, an in-depth, no-holds-barred interview.
Everybody wants it.
You have it.
- You're kidding. - Nope.
- Thanks. - You're welcome.
Go ahead and set up that interview with Mr. Medina.
What?
I'd love it to lead off our first edition.
He was the winner by a landslide.
I'm sorry. Is there a problem?
Is there some reason why you wouldn't want to interview him?
After all, you of all people should be able
to get the most in-depth story out of him...
especially since he and your mother are involved.
They are still involved, aren't they?
Let's leave my mother's personal life out of this.
- That sounds bad. - It's not bad.
- It's just none of your business. - Fine.
You want the interview or not?
- Yes, I want the interview. - Good.
Get me something more than his favorite color, okay?
Maybe I should make grilled cheese.
But you're making pot roast.
Not everybody likes pot roast.
Then they can have chicken wings, the mashed potatoes, the four salads...
in addition to the pot roast.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
So I should start slicing the cheese.
Would you? That would be great!
Wow, something smells good!
- It's the garlic. - Three heads of it.
- Nice. - I want everything to be perfect.
We are going to make this kid think he went to heaven.
Or Henry the VIII's house.
- Milady? - Come in.
- You joining the festivities? - In a sec.
- You sound crabby. - I'm concentrating.
Don't concentrate too hard.
Boys like them dumb. Right?
If you can navigate yourself around a tree, keep on walking.
[Knocking at door]
Coming!
What if he doesn't do dairy?
Perfect timing.
Sookie's about to break her own record for the most food served.
- Sounds great. - Sure does.
So, come on in.
Sorry we're a little late.
We had a misunderstanding about what time we were supposed to leave.
That's okay. How's it going?
LUKE: Not bad. The bed popped.
- Was anyone in it? - Me.
- You? - I let him take the real one.
It was very nice of you.
LORELAI: You want to come on in the kitchen?
Sookie, Jackson, I want you to meet Luke's nephew.
- This is Jess. - Do you eat cheese?
What?
This is the greatest lemon I've ever grown! This is a great lemon.
Sookie, you got to try this lemon.
That is a great lemon!
Try it! It's a Meyer!
Jackson grows fruit and scares people with it.
- Rory, they're here. - Coming.
- Hey. - Hey.
I'm Rory.
- Yeah, I figured. - Nice to meet you.
Aren't we hooked on phonics?
I read a lot. Do you read?
Not much.
I could loan you that. It's great.
No, thanks.
If you change your mind.
We need to get Jackson away from the lemons...
so we're moving the feast to the living room.
Be right there.
Do these open?
You just have to unlatch them and then push.
Great. Shall we?
- Shall we what? - Bail.
- No. - Why?
Because it's Tuesday night in Stars Hollow.
There's nowhere to bail to.
The 24-hour mini-mart closed 20 minutes ago.
We'll walk around or sit on a bench and stare at our shoes.
Sookie just made a ton of really great food...
and though it may not seem like it at this moment, it's going to be fun.
- Trust me. - I don't even know you.
- Don't I look trustworthy? - Maybe.
Good. Let's eat.
You want a soda?
- I'll get it. - Okay.
SOOKIE: Do you know Pam was originally made out of rice?
What?
LUKE: Rory, where's Jess?
He's getting a soda.
You must've mistaken me for you.
- Too much? - I forgot the garlic bread.
I'll get it.
JACKSON: More potatoes? RORY: Okay.
SOOKIE: Everyone needs more potatoes.
- Nothing wrong with potatoes. - I've got 6 pounds in the oven.
SOOKIE: More chicken?
- Throw a couple of bird wings on there. - All right.
LUKE: Salad, no dressing. SOOKIE: Want some more?
SOOKIE: You want some? RORY: Okay.
[Sighing] For me? Hey, thanks.
Refreshing.
- So what? You're not hungry? - Not really.
Sookie made you some grilled cheese if you don't like pot roast.
Well, if I'd known that.
- Let me guess. You don't want to be here. - Doesn't matter.
I mean, here in Stars Hollow.
Jeez, Miss Gilmore.
Why would anyone not want to be here in Stars Hollow?
That just sounds plum crazy.
Jess, let me give you a little advice.
The whole "my parents don't get me" thing...
- I've been there. - You have?
Yes, I have. I've also done the "chip on my shoulder" bit.
The surly, sarcastic "the world can bite my ass" bit.
And let me tell you, I mastered them all. In heels, yet.
Everything you're feeling might be totally justified.
Maybe you are getting screwed.
But Luke is a great guy.
He's very special.
And he really wants to take care of you and make things right for you.
You're incredibly lucky to have him.
If you give this situation half a chance...
you might be surprised at how good it can be.
How much you like living here...
how comfortable it feels to have someone like Luke you can really depend on.
What? Are you sleeping with him or something?
Excuse me?
The whole starry-eyed...
"you're so much better off, just give it a chance" speech.
You're either really naive or you're getting some.
There have been very few moments in my life...
where I've actually wished I had one of those enormous cream pies...
you can smash in someone's face. This is definitely one of them.
Now that's not very neighborly.
You know what? This is my house.
I choose how I get talked to in it.
You don't know anything about me, or my life, or my mom, or Luke.
So why don't you Dr. Laura someone else?
I'm going inside. Stay out of my fridge.
Where's Jess?
Outside working on his Breakfast Club audition. He's good.
- What? - I'm sorry.
That kid is way more screwed up than you think he is.
- What? - I catch him outside with a beer.
I don't even bust him on it. I try talking to him.
What do you mean "talk to him"? What did you say?
I said he's got a good thing going here with you and he shouldn't blow it.
Then he just got charming.
What are you doing talking to him about stuff like that?
- I'm trying to help you. - I don't need your help.
You do.
Here we go again with this. I'm not prepared for this crap.
This is not crap. This is the truth. You should've heard him talking.
I don't need to hear him talking.
He's my nephew and I know what I'm doing...
and I'm getting tired of your condescending...
- I'm not being condescending. - You have a kid, so you know everything?
I have a kid, so I know a little more than you do.
You ever think maybe you just got lucky with Rory?
You did get pregnant at 16.
That doesn't show the greatest decision-making skills, does it?
Two pies.
- What the hell are you talking about? - I'm talking about nothing.
You won't have to hear my opinion on anything ever again, okay?
- Don't tease. - Go find Jess.
Don't tell me what to do.
RORY: You're being completely childish. LORELAI: Am not.
We're never going to go into Luke's again? We're just going to starve?
This was a bad one. This was not Nick and Nora.
This was Sid and Nancy. I'm not going in there.
The coffee is in there. It's Danish day.
Are you telling me you'll let a fight get in the way of Danish day?
- No. - Good.
Go in and order two coffees and two Danishes to go.
You're kidding, right?
He's going to know what's going on. He's not stupid.
He cannot prove that you're not ordering all that for yourself, can he?
No, so go on.
Scoot. Mommy's right here.
- Hey, Luke. - Rory.
I'll have two coffees and two cherry Danishes to go, please.
- Two coffees and two cherry Danishes. - And some napkins.
- One of these is for her, isn't it? - Who?
No. They're all for me. I am super hungry today.
I was debating ordering three, but I'll tell you how I feel after two.
I'll give you one Danish and one cup of coffee.
You can sit there and eat and when you're finished...
I'll bring you a second one.
You're going to stand there and watch me eat a Danish?
Cable's out. I'm starved for entertainment.
This is insane. So you guys had a fight.
Big deal. You know you're going to make up anyway.
What better day to make up than Danish day?
The happiest of all days.
The day when we all say, "Let's forgive and forget..."
"Over a nice Danish and a cup of coffee."
One Danish, one cup of coffee. Take it or leave it.
I'll take it.
I still think you're being silly.
Thank you for sharing. Come back soon.
- Well? - He would only sell me one.
- Didn't you say they were both for you? - He knew I was lying.
Did you do the blinky thing? You always do it when you're lying.
I didn't have to.
He knows that you're not going to go a whole day...
with no coffee and especially no Danish.
Why don't you go in there now and make up?
Why don't you give me half your Danish and some coffee?
I'll give you the Danish but I'm keeping the coffee.
What is a Danish without coffee?
The eternal question springs up again.
There's no point in even eating a Danish without coffee.
- I'm going to school. - Sad Danish. Lonely Danish.
- Step-Danish. - I'll see you tonight.
Hey, kid.
Do me a favor? Come here.
Please?
[Phone ringing]
Luke's.
What is it, Taylor?
Slow down. You're babbling.
How do you know it was Jess?
Okay, Taylor. I'll talk to him.
But if he tells me he didn't do it and nobody saw him do it...
then he is off the hook. Understand?
Hi.
- Am I too early? 'Cause I can... - No.
- Come back some other time. - This is fine.
- Tomorrow, maybe. - Now is good.
- This is weird. - Yeah, it is.
- I don't really know how to act. - I'm not sure of that myself.
- We could sit. - Sit?
Sure, that's good. Barbara Walters sits.
Or walks, if the person she's talking to...
has a horse or a ranch or a big backyard sometimes...
but usually she just sits.
I guess we should just start.
Good idea.
- Do you mind if I tape this? - Not at all.
I guess I'll just dive in.
- Full name? - Max Arturo Medina.
- You're kidding? - No. I'm not.
- Where does that come from? - My father's butcher was named Arturo.
- Really? - When my mother was pregnant with me...
she would eat only Iamb chops.
Arturo would cut her the extra-large Iamb chops...
and only charge her for the regular-size Iamb chops...
which in my family made you eligible for sainthood.
- Hence the Arturo. - That's right.
I assume that you are aware...
that you were voted the students' favorite teacher last year.
I teach an exceptional bunch of young people.
I'm glad they seem to like me as much as I like them.
Have you thought of doing something other than teaching?
My father wanted me to be a doctor...
and my mother wanted me to be President.
I wanted to be a clown.
What?
When I was a kid, I went to the circus...
and I saw this man who was dressed in this crazy outfit.
He could juggle and he rode on an elephant and the people loved him.
I thought, "That's it. That's for me."
- How long did that last? - Junior high.
And then slowly I figured out that I wanted to teach.
Plus, when you told people that you wanted to be a clown...
they tended to get very frightened.
Mom took me to the circus once when I was really little...
and this clown knocked into me and I dropped my cotton candy.
We didn't have a lot of money back then...
so she couldn't buy me another one and I started crying.
She literally chased the clown onstage...
ripped off his wig and said she wouldn't give it back...
- unless he bought me another candy. - Which I bet he did.
It was twice as big and I threw up all the way home.
Yeah.
That sounds like your mom.
Do you ever regret the fact that you didn't become a clown?
I don't really believe in regrets.
All my experiences, even the ones that didn't turn out the way I wanted them to...
I firmly believe they were all worth it.
I just want you to know...
I really wanted you to be my stepfather.
[Sighing] I just want you to know...
I really wanted to be your stepfather.
What would you say are the great challenges...
- facing high school graduates today? - A myriad of things, really.
- How was school? - Great.
- You learn anything good? - Yeah, tons of things.
I got gold stars plastered all over my forehead.
I had an interesting call today.
- Want to know who it was from? - Not really.
From Taylor Doose. You know, he owns the market.
- If you say so. - He said you came in today.
He said you took some money out of a donation cup...
to help repair the bridge.
I told him he was crazy, you wouldn't do that, you weren't a thief.
Then I hung up on him.
Don't get me wrong. I enjoy hanging up on Taylor.
And he is crazy.
I was just wondering if maybe any of the things he said were true.
What do you think?
If you tell me what he's saying is not true, I'll believe it.
- It's not true. - That doesn't sound very convincing.
What do you want from me?
You bring me here, you put me in a school...
that says the Pledge of Allegiance in six languages...
two of which I've never heard of!
You take me away from my home, my friends, and now you want...
- what from me? - I'm trying to help you!
Stop trying!
Stop talking to me, stop following me, stop asking me questions! Just stop!
That's what you want?
- That's really what you want? - Yes.
Fine! You got it!
- Thank you. - You're welcome!
LORELAI: Rory?
Kitchen!
Nowhere in either Stars Hollow or its surrounding counties...
can you get a decent cup of coffee.
I swear. It's like a big, stupid coffee conspiracy.
Why don't you pour the water right into the bag?
You jest? Believe me, the thought has crossed my mind.
It's looking better all the time.
Where are you going? I'm not through complaining.
I just have to get some more notes I need.
- What's this? - What?
This that you're working on?
That's my interview with Max.
What interview with Max?
The paper wanted to do a piece...
on the students' favorite teacher from the previous year.
Paris assigned it to me when she caught wind of the fact...
- Nice kid, that Paris. - Yeah.
It wasn't that bad, though. It was actually good.
It gave us a chance to talk about some things.
- Good. - Yeah. It was good.
I'm going to buy a folder for it before the store closes.
Okay.
Some good writing here, missy.
- Yeah? - Really good.
It's not quite up to the repaving piece yet, but I'll get it there.
Boy, he sounds like a hell of a guy, doesn't he?
Yeah, he does.
I sure know how to dump them, don't I?
[Knocking at door]
- I just pushed him in a lake. - What?
I got this call from Taylor that Jess stole the bridge money.
I went to confront him and he was being impossible...
and I just pushed him in a lake. This is bad.
- That depends. Can he swim? - He's fine. He's wet. I lost it.
You were right.
I am in so far over my head that I can't see my own hat.
Try turning it around.
What was I thinking? Why did I say yes to this?
You saw a kid in need of help and you thought you'd throw him a line.
But me? Raising a kid? I don't even like kids.
They're always sticky, like they've got jam on their hands.
Even if there's no jam in the house...
somehow they've always got jam on their hands.
I'm not the guy to deal with it. I have no patience for jam hands.
Okay, slow down. First of all, Jess is 17...
so he's probably past the jam hands stage by now.
Second of all, you can do this. If you want to, you are totally capable.
But you can't just buy a bed and some sheets...
and expect the rest to take care of itself. That won't work.
I swear, I'm going to kill Liz.
Liz is not the point anymore. Liz is not here. Jess is here.
Focus on him. What are you going to do about him?
Sugar, I hate to bother you, but have you seen Pierpon?
- No. Why? - It's the darnedest thing.
I came out just now and I noticed that he was gone.
- Just like that. - I'm sorry. Who's missing?
- Pierpon, gorgeous. - Her gnome.
The one with the pipe.
Oh, God, I hope nothing's happened to him.
You get so attached to their little faces...
sometimes you can hear them talk to you at night.
You know, I wouldn't worry, Babette.
I think you're going to see Pierpon again. Really soon.
- Where are you going? - I have to take care of something.
I'll see you tomorrow at the diner for your Danish, right?
- Tomorrow isn't Danish day. - Just be there.
Yes, sir.
Okay.
We got the patch, the gum, hypnosis tapes...
Chinese herbs, self-help books...
and several pictures of diseased lungs to hang on the fridge.
Pretty?
This is done.
You will get up, you will go to school, you will come home.
You will work in the diner until closing, you will do your homework...
then you will go to bed. Where's the gnome?
What?
Weekends are for chores and selected pre-approved outings...
i.e. Cabala studies, freeway beautification projects...
Color Me Mine pottery painting, all discussable options.
You will not steal. You will pay back Taylor Doose...
you will graduate from high school, and you will return Pierpon to his yard.
- You can't just... - I can just.
I am not letting you fall off the face of the earth.
You will not drift. I won't let it happen. I don't know if this is the right way...
but this is the way it's being handled and that is the end of this discussion.
- Where are you going? - Out.
[Door banging]
At least I asked.
Hey.
- Hey, yourself. - What are you doing out here?
I needed something for school. What about you?
Yeah, same thing.
So, that was quite a disappearing act you pulled the other night.
Potlucks and Tupperware parties aren't really my thing.
- Too cool for school? - Yes, that is me.
- What are you doing? - This?
Nothing.
Just another little disappearing act.
- Little tip? - Yeah.
If you want to speak to me, don't pull that out of my ear.
I assume the nose is off-limits, too.
Any place you wouldn't naturally find a coin.
Let's leave it that way.
So what are you doing now?
- I have some homework to finish. - Okay.
Then I'll leave you this last little trick.
You bought a copy? I told you I'd lend you mine.
- It is yours. - You stole my book.
No, borrowed it.
That's not called a trick, that's called a felony.
I just wanted to put some notes in the margins.
What?
- You've read this before. - About 40 times.
I thought you said you didn't read much.
What is much?
- Goodnight, Rory. - Goodnight, Dodger.
- Dodger? - Figure it out.
Oliver Twist.