Mail! Hurry up! Where are your shoes?
- I'll get them later. - Get them now.
- Why? - If your Harvard acceptance letter...
is in that mail, and you don't have shoes on...
we can't run off immediately to celebrate.
All our happiness will be on hold until you come back and put on your shoes.
Do you want to put a hold on happiness?
What's the difference if we wait then or now?
- Because we're not happy now. - Right, okay!
No laces, get them on your feet!
Let's go!
Kirk!
- Good morning. - Is there an envelope in there?
A big envelope, not a little one.
A big one means she's in, otherwise she needs to marry rich.
Just one second, please.
Aren't you supposed to go through the mail before you get here?
Some work that way. I think it takes the spontaneity out of the job.
- Need some help? - Sorry. Federal law prohibits it.
Any chance you could go faster?
You've got a girl's future in that sack of yours, Santa.
- Thank you for adding the Santa. - Anytime.
- You know what I've noticed? - It wouldn't be mail with our names on it?
- People don't slow down anymore. - Guess I've got time to tie my shoes.
Cobble yourself a new pair, Daniel Day-Lewis.
No one stops to smell a nice flower, or look at a puppy.
You're absolutely right.
No one stops to ask how you're doing, "Is your family well?"
- "Did you see that game last night?" - Yeah, people suck. Is that ours?
- Mrs. Rita Flora. Nope. - Rats!
- It could still be in there. - Didn't she die?
- While you were delivering her mail? - She did die, last week.
They're supposed to put your mail on hold when you die.
- Let's go back inside. - What about the envelope?
We'll check back on our way to Luke's for dinner.
Hey, one for Kirk!
It's frustrating. There have been so many great songs written post Cobain...
but try and convince Zack of that. He's impossible...
stubborn, and just a tad intellectually challenged.
Lane, honey...
- could you with the sticks... I can't... - Sorry, nervous habit.
- Mom's a little crabby this morning. - Not crabby, I'm very ill.
- With allergies. - Deadly allergies.
Didn't mean to minimize your condition. Shall we make funeral arrangements?
Yes. Make sure you can get your money back in case this stuff works.
- Where did you get those? - In your room.
- These expired in '98. - So what, I should take four?
Yes, that's exactly my point.
- New menus. - Very fancy.
- Why did you get new menus? - It was time.
But I had made little doodles with my name hidden in them, like Hirschfeld.
- Sorry. - It took me years to hit every menu.
These have super-heavy plastic over them. How'll I doodle?
Has it occurred to you that super-heavy plastic is to discourage the doodling?
- This looks different. - It's not different.
- Totally different. - Not that different.
- There are more salads. - Three more salads.
- Who needs three more salads? - One was enough.
- Nicole said... - "Nicole said."
There wasn't much for her to eat on the menu, so I just...
You added three more salads just for Nicole.
When I asked you to add chili-topped Pringles, you said no.
And I stand by that.
Nicole gets three salads, and I still get a "no"?
- Because Nicole's his girlfriend. - She is not my girlfriend.
Nicole is the woman that I am dating. That's it.
What happens when you get serious? The whole place goes soy?
Just order, please.
Did you take off the Monte Cristo sandwich?
No!
You did. You took off the Monte Cristo sandwich.
I omitted a few obsolete dishes.
I can't believe Nicole made you take off the Monte Cristo.
- She's got you menu-whipped. - She does not have me menu-whipped.
I took off a disgusting sandwich no one ever ordered, including the three of you.
But just having it there made us feel we always could.
- It was comforting. - Like soup.
Exactly. It was comforting, like deep-fried ham and cheese soup.
Even though I never ordered it, I talked about ordering it, haven't I?
On several occasions.
You've not only eliminated a sandwich, you've eliminated a conversation piece.
- Now what will we talk about? - Fine.
Here. Old menus. Everything's there. Knock yourselves out.
How come everybody else gets a new menu?
I feel much better now.
I must say, I'm glad to see that simply because the SATs are over...
most of you are still taking your class work seriously. Most of you.
Michael Mason. Worth every wrong answer.
Before we continue, I would like to remind you...
that the Chilton Bicentennial celebration takes place next week.
Number four?
- The official sign-up sheet... - Well done.
For the speech contest is in the back of the room.
The contest will be held on Friday and the winner...
will present their speech at the ceremony next week.
Some of you may be saying to yourself, "I already turned in my college application."
"Why should I spend all this time entering a speech competition..."
"Which if I win, means I have to give up a Friday night..."
"When I can't even use it for my résumé. What's in it for me?"
- Wow, that was spooky. - The speech will not go on your record.
However, the Bicentennial is going to be quite a prestigious affair.
Past alumni and faculty will be there. Some of these people...
are now professors at the same schools you're planning on attending.
Plus, C-SPAN will be broadcasting the event live.
All in all, it's shaping up to be a very exciting event. Think about it.
I almost forgot to welcome back Brad Langford.
He returns to us, fresh from Broadway...
where he's completed a successful run of Into the Woods. Welcome back, Brad.
Thank you, it's good to be back.
Sit down, Mary Martin.
All right, everyone. Have a lovely rest of the day. I'll see you tomorrow.
- Rory, hi. - Hey, Brad, good to have you back.
- How's Broadway? - It's great, but Nathan Lane...
- is a very bitter man. - I've heard that.
Even more than the actual experience of performing live...
the confidence it gives you in every aspect
of your life, that's the most amazing thing.
- Well, you do look rather confident. - It's the new me.
- So, Brad. Broadway. I must know. - Yes?
Did you get to keep your makeup?
What about costumes because that seems great?
- Unless you're doing Les Mis. - Or Cats.
Furry spandex with the tail and jazz shoes?
- So raw. - So, do you?
- Do I... - Get to keep the makeup.
- I didn't ask. - You didn't ask?
How do you leave the house every morning...
and not have a piano fall on your head?
I make a left on Federal, and then...
Brad, that really didn't require an answer.
- You're blocking the list. - What's that?
Will we please move, so you may sign up for the speech contest?
Why, yes, Paris, we'd be happy to.
How kind of you to phrase it in that very respectful manner.
You going to move? Or do you need a five, six, seven, eight.
This time on stage has been a very growing experience for me.
I'm no longer intimidated by you or people like you.
I'm thrilled to hear it, Chita Rivera. Move.
Well, Gilmore, I hope you're signing up, too.
It's my last chance to trounce you at anything at this school.
My decision to do this will in no way depend on you.
I'm only saying it won't be a satisfying victory...
just beating Jerome Robbins and the rest of the losers here.
I'd really like to take you down, also.
She is really up on her theater references.
This is outrageous. I am beyond offended.
Did you tell them I'm beyond offended? Sending my food back?
That's it, get their names. They're never eating here again.
- Wait. What wine was he drinking? - 1952 Château Pétrus Bordeaux.
- Okay. Never mind. - Is everything okay?
No. We have got to have a better screening system for customers here.
Yes. We do, since we currently have no screening system for customers here.
They sent it back. My food, my four-star...
"You haven't lived until you've eaten their food," says Ruth Reichl.
What did they say was wrong?
You name it. Too salty, too hot, too sewery.
Honey, calm down. Some people are just stupid.
Yes, they are stupid. And stupid people have stupid friends...
and they all have to come here and be stupid together.
Don't be mad at me, but I have to ask. You sure nothing's wrong with the food?
Of course, nothing's wrong with the food.
You don't think I would know if something was wrong?
You don't think I tasted every last dish that was sent back?
I tasted it. Manuel tasted it. Rico tasted it. Louella tasted it.
We all tasted it, and it tastes fine.
- Okay, do you mind? - You don't believe me?
I believe you completely, but it's easier for me...
to take on those who doubt you if I've actually tasted it myself.
Fine, go ahead.
- Now I get the sewery reference. - What are you talking about?
Just send them out some free desserts.
Free desserts? You're giving the stupid people free desserts?
- I love you. - I love you, too.
- Okay. I love your food, you know that. - Yeah?
But I have to tell you...
that bite I had over there is one of the worst things I've ever tasted.
- I've tasted some very bad things. - What?
Sure you didn't accidentally drop something in the food tonight...
like strychnine or manure?
No, I tasted each dish every step of the way.
The base, the stock, the sauce, the seasoning.
Are you sick? A flu, a cold, even allergies can throw your taste buds off.
No, I'm not sick. I had a little bug last week but nothing today.
I think you should get a checkup. Maybe it was more than a little bug.
- The food was really bad? - Honey, it was just...
- Yeah, it was really that bad. - I don't understand it.
I'm sure it was nothing. Have Manuel help with the tasting for the rest of the night.
Paris is going to drive me completely insane.
- That looks good. - No!
Jeez!
Be happy you're loved, hon. I've got a Kit Kat in my purse.
What's up?
I don't know. It's weird. Sookie must be sick or something.
- Sookie never gets sick. - No. She'll be fine.
- So tell me, what did Paris do now? - It's nothing, it's just Paris.
There's this speech contest for the Bicentennial. I wasn't going to enter it...
but with the, "It's my last chance to crush you before graduation" comment...
I want to enter, I want to win, I want to dance around her saying...
"I win, I win."
You're getting more like me every day.
I know it's petty and stupid. I should just ignore her.
- Yes. That is what you should do. - Okay. That is what I will do.
- Why weren't you entering the contest? - I don't know.
- You love doing school things. - I don't, when it involves...
the entire school staring at me while I'm doing it.
You gave your vice presidential acceptance speech in front of the school.
Yeah, but I had to do that.
So you're just going to go through life only doing what you have to do?
Well, no.
Because a person who wants to be a foreign correspondent for a living...
should embrace the opportunity to practice her speeching skills in public.
You had the motherly edge going till you made the "speeching skills" comment.
- You know what I mean. - I know.
- Okay, I'll go out for the speech. - Good.
And if I get to do the "I win, I win" dance, then so much the better.
For everyone involved.
Oh, my God.
- You're pregnant! - I'm pregnant!
Oh, my God. I'm pregnant!
I'm pregnant! I'm pregnant!
Huh!
What?
That looks like more than 4,000 words, but I'm sure you counted them.
- I did. - Good.
Hey, Shelly. Good luck, although I'm sure you're going to be great.
After all, there's hardly anything on stage for you to trip over this time, right?
[Paris singing]
I've got my beans at Grandma's house, my magic beans at Grandma's house
Stop it.
I'll take my beans, my magic beans, who's got the beans?
We need some beans, I love the beans
Can't rattle me.
Into the woods at Grandma's house
Look, I'm proud of my part, okay?
The New York Times called me "winningly naive."
Into the woods, into the woods
Stop it right now.
I know. That is one annoying song.
Leave Brad alone. And stop terrorizing everyone here.
Terrorizing? What are you talking about?
I'm simply talking to my fellow classmates.
You're scaring them into doing badly, so you win easier.
- I am not. - Really?
- That magical bean recital back there? - I was trying to give him human contact.
He's been talking only to a cow for a year-and-a-half.
There was a person inside that cow. I told you that!
- Brad Langford. - I'm winningly naive.
Okay.
Brad. You got your beans?
Stop. Go, Brad, you'll be great.
It's amazing how you hide those bolts on the side of your neck.
What is that? Just really good cover-up?
Rory, lower your voice. People are trying to concentrate.
- Wow. - Wow what?
- Your speech must really suck. - Excuse me?
If you're going to all this trouble to psyche out everyone else...
then you must know you have a loser there.
Mind games. Not your forte, cupcake.
Stick to talking to losers off the train tracks, will you?
- You're horrible. - And I'm going to win.
Sherry, hi. Man, those braces are shiny.
[Cell phone ringing]
LORELAI: Hello. SOOKIE: It's me.
[Lorelai laughing]
Every detail, leave nothing out.
- Well, I told him. - Did he flip, did he cry, did he scream?
- No. - No? Did he hear you?
- He heard me. - I don't understand, what happened?
I came home, I got some flowers, I chilled some glasses...
I put some music on, and I opened a bottle of champagne.
The cork broke the window, so I had to clean up the glass...
and then I taped some cardboard over the hole.
I knocked over the bottle of champagne, so I had to get the mop.
I am hitting the fast-forward button.
So he came home, and I handed him a beer...
I smiled, I kissed him, and I told him he was gonna be a daddy.
- Then he did what? - Then he got out the calculator.
What?
He's been crunching numbers for two hours.
- He didn't say anything? - No.
Mr. I-want-four-in-four hears he can check off number one...
- and he says nothing? - Okay. Not nothing.
- Thank you. - Every 15 minutes he says, "Oh, boy."
"Oh, boy," like, "Oh, boy!"
No, "Oh, boy," like, "Oh, boy."
JACKSON: Oh, boy! SOOKIE: [Whispering] Did you hear that?
Well, maybe he's in shock.
Oh, boy!
Maybe.
I'd go in there and take that calculator away from him.
- This wasn't how it was supposed to go. - I know, sweetie, but give it time.
- It's a big thing. - He said he wanted this.
He loves you. He wants this.
Oh, boy!
- Hang in there, I'll call you later. - I'll be here.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
- It's right there. - Just a second.
- I see it. Can I just... - I can do it!
It's right there!
You are yelling at me, and that is not the way to get results.
You keep passing it.
- You are making me crazy. - Dean, I just need...
- That's my water bill. - He's been down there for 20 minutes.
You have to sort the mail first.
Everyone's always telling me what to do. Everybody else is always right.
I'm sorry, but I'm the mail carrier in this town...
and I will carry the mail the way I carry the mail.
If you don't like that, then you carry it.
You'll have to apply for the job first and get hired.
There's a test, and it is a hard test, my friend.
Paper cut.
I need some of that non-drowsy allergy medicine stuff.
- Did you check in the back? - Yeah, nothing.
Then we're probably out.
I could tell you when they'll be in but I haven't gotten mail.
Shut up!
Never mind. I'll get some in Hartford. Could you get my water bill for me?
I'll do my best.
I'm giving you five minutes, then I'm getting the mop.
You will not touch this.
This is the property of the United States government.
Show me the difference, people. Why can't I pick one?
On sale. That's it. I'm done.
- Max. - Lorelai.
- Hi. - Hi, back.
I didn't know you had a cold.
- I just recently found out myself. - Well, wow. You. Hi.
How've you been?
- I've been good. - Good.
- I've been in California. - Well, cowabunga, dude.
Yes, that's my official California name.
So, California?
Stanford, actually. I was teaching a class there.
Good. It's about time that dump got some decent teachers.
Yes, they're really trying to turn the place around.
If you're living in California, what are you doing here?
- This place has the best selection... - In Hartford.
My class ended, and I thought I'd come back for the Chilton Bicentennial.
What are you doing here in Hartford?
- Friday night? - The infamous Gilmore dinners.
- How's that going? - Great. We had to add on an extra room...
for all the emotional baggage. Other than that...
- there's been no bloodshed. - I'm glad to hear it.
And Rory's good?
She's the Encyclopedia Britannica definition of "Good."
- Grades? - Perfect.
- Same boyfriend? - Different boyfriend.
- Really? - Yeah.
- You hate him. - No, I don't.
- You really hate him. - I smile. I say hi.
- I let him eat the good cookies. - You want to have him killed.
- Only if I get a really good price. - She's young. She'll move on.
- She's got college next year. - Great. Frat boys, I cannot wait.
- Just get a keg. Keeps them distracted. - Thanks for the advice.
- I'll lock her in a tower when I get home. - Glad I could help.
Well, listen, I have this dinner I have to get to.
Yeah. Me, too.
- It was nice to see you. - It was nice to see you, too.
Bye.
You're here.
You are by far the most masculine looking maid...
- my parents ever had. - It's chaos here.
The second maid called in sick. The first is busy with dinner.
And your mother is at the hospital.
Her DAR group suffered a surfeit of strokes this week.
- Come again. - Three of her friends had strokes.
And now she is hopping from sickbed to sickbed...
offering whatever comfort she can.
Three DAR strokes. What's in that water they're drinking?
A little whiskey, usually.
- And you're forgetting Liesl. - What?
Our East German maid. She was much more masculine looking than me.
- Right, the mutton chops. - Here is Rory.
Thanks, I wouldn't have recognized her. Hi, hon.
- Hi. Did you hear about the strokes? - Stay away from whiskey and the DAR.
Your mother would make you throw that out at this point.
- How about I exchange it for a martini? - Coming up.
[Phone ringing]
Good. I'm expecting an important call. This could be it.
Dad, if the maid is busy with dinner...
and the second one's out, and Mom's at the hospital...
Right. I'll get it.
Alone at last. Have I got something to tell you!
What?
- Or maybe you have something to tell me. - I have nothing.
Or are you minimizing what you know? Maybe you should maximize it.
- I'm confused. - Maximize...
I'm maximum confused.
[Sighing]
- I ran into Max. - Medina?
At the pharmacy. Did you know he was back?
- No. He was on loan somewhere. - Yeah, at Stanford.
He's back now for a little while.
And I'm happy to report that either he's forgiven me for treating him so badly...
or it wasn't that bad. I just built it up worse in my head.
- You treated him like crap. - Well, he was very big about it.
He didn't recoil or blow me off.
We had a nice chat. It was good to see him.
- He's a great guy. - He is.
And a great teacher, too. I'm glad he's back.
Good. He seemed glad, too.
That was not my call. For a second, I thought a fourth friend...
- of your mother's had had a stroke. - Oh, no.
But then I realized that it was one of the original stroke ladies' husbands...
calling to inform me of her stroke, which we already knew of, so here we are.
- Thank God. - So, Rory has been telling me...
about the Chilton Bicentennial and her speech.
Well, it's not my speech yet. I have to qualify for it.
- You'll get it. - She'll be on C-SPAN if she does.
- Very good. - It's not like anyone would watch it.
Yes, they will. You're more interesting than that usual shot...
they have with the white men walking around...
that big empty chamber with the numbers all over them.
That's a televised House vote. I find that fascinating.
It's like watching the Men's Warehouse security camera.
When is your speech? I'd like to be there.
Again, it's not my speech yet...
- but it's Friday at 5:00. - That's tough.
- Could they move it to 6:00? - I don't think so.
- Maybe I'll move my thing. - That might be best.
[Phone ringing]
I've got it.
- What? - Speed dial.
I just like seeing him do that.
Thank God, someone sane! Come on up!
Your phone has been busy all night...
and I'm dying to know what the doctor said.
He said "Congratulations, it's an it."
I love being pregnant. You'll give me tips?
What I can remember.
Get your diary out from that year, 'cause I want to know it all.
A lot of my diary from that year...
was a debate over which member of Tears For Fears...
I loved more at that particular moment.
That's probably not going to help me much.
What are you doing out here? It's cold.
We finished eating and I needed a break. Rough day.
- We didn't get home till 8:00. - Your appointment was at 6:00.
Jackson won't drive home faster than 7 miles an hour.
- He doesn't want to jiggle baby. - Oh, my God.
We spent 10 minutes on one speed bump. I could have walked home faster.
He's got this wild look in his eye, like he's some kind of death-rocker.
He keeps making lots of calls.
And he punched the calculator so much he broke it.
- We're selling the truck. - What?
It's the only way we can afford the minivan.
- I thought you broke the calculator. - I'm using a pencil. Hi, Lorelai.
- Hi, Jackson. Congratulations. - We don't need a van.
And I'm getting a haircut and buying a second tie.
- It's probably the contractor. - What contractor?
- The add-on? - What add-on?
The expansion, Sookie. The expansion?
- He's expanding something. - He's being very cryptic.
I don't want to expand anything. Did you see his eyes?
Tasmanian Devil.
When I came home he was baby proofing the house.
He'd thrown away all our prescription drugs.
He was stuffing newspaper into the electrical sockets. He's insane.
Hold on. He says we have to move out for three months for the add-on.
- We probably don't want to do that. - Probably not.
Have you tried slapping him?
No, he won't let me lift my arm above my head in case it stretches baby.
This stinks. We never even got to celebrate.
He went straight to budgets and minivans.
Well, what he's doing is sweet in its own obnoxious way.
Guess I'll have to let him be male.
- So listen, I ran into Max Medina. - Oh, my God. Really?
- How weird was that? - A little.
- Not as much as I would have thought. - He's such a good guy.
People are pretty unanimous on that.
- Well, was he nice to you? - Very.
I mean, what happened with us was so long ago.
Do you think what I did was horrible?
Dumping him in the gutter? Sure.
People are pretty unanimous on that, too.
- So, Max Medina's back. - Not for long, though.
I hope he doesn't hate me. He was probably being nice.
- I don't want him to hate me. - You didn't mean to hurt him.
I'll write him a note or something.
I owe him that.
[Sookie and Lorelai exclaiming]
- What is this? - It's my cleaver.
What if baby fell on it?
You mean, what if baby rolled off the sink...
and into the open second drawer?
- It wouldn't be good. - It has to go.
I need it to chop stuff.
- We're switching to plastic. - I can't use plastic.
And the saran wrap's history, too.
[Phone ringing]
- Yes, hello. - Rory Gilmore, please.
- This is her. - Please hold, I'm connecting.
- Headmaster Charleston and Paris Gellar. - You're what? Hello?
- Miss Gilmore? - I'm here.
- Miss Gellar? - I'm here.
Please hold. I'm connecting to Headmaster Charleston.
Miss Gilmore, Miss Gellar, you have Headmaster Charleston.
Ladies, hello. I hope you're having a pleasant evening.
RORY: Yes, sir. PARIS: Very pleasant.
Wonderful to hear.
Let's get down to it, shall we?
I was very impressed with both your speeches today.
They were well written, well researched, and elegantly delivered.
You should be very proud.
- Thank you, we were. - Who won?
Just the simple act of completing a task well is in itself a win...
- is it not, Miss Gellar? - Yes, sir.
Wonderful. Anyhow, as I was listening to you both this afternoon...
the thought kept rolling around in my head.
I was thinking, "What a pity it is I will have to choose just one."
But I realized, "Hold on a minute here..."
"I'm the headmaster of this school. I am in charge of this competition...
"I can change the rules if I wish to." So I am.
- You are... - You are what?
I am changing the rules.
Instead of having one speaker at our Bicentennial, we will have two.
You will combine your speeches and present them together.
- You're kidding. - I assure you, I am not.
I think it will be an excellent way to pay proper tribute to our school.
- What do you think of my little plan? - Well...
- It's... - Brilliant, yes, I think so, too.
That's all. Congratulations.
I would like the revised copy of your speech on my desk by Tuesday.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Well, look who's suddenly decided...
- to become Kofi Annan. - Excuse me?
He thinks we need to play nice with each other, so he screws up the Bicentennial.
- This sucks. - Yes, it does suck.
- So what do we do now? - Do we have a choice?
Of course we have a choice. You could say no.
Why could I say no? You could say no.
I could not say no. C-SPAN is going to be there.
I like C-SPAN as much as you do.
- You do not. - I do, too.
Ask my mom. It's all I talk about.
So I guess we need a game plan now.
Okay, we can meet at school tomorrow and work on it.
- Or we could do it over the phone. - Over the phone?
We're combining two speeches. There's no reason we have to sit...
- in the room and stare at each other. - Whatever you want.
- Tomorrow night, 6:00. I'll call you. - I can't wait.
[Doorbell ringing]
- What're you doing here? - We had a speech to write.
We planned to do it over the phone.
It's ridiculous. We have to put two speeches together...
rehearse, and hone our timing. It can't be done well over the phone.
- It was your idea. - Did you fight me on it?
- Of course I didn't fight you on it. - Okay, then.
What okay, then? A conversation did not just come to a close.
There was not a decision made there just now.
Look, I'm here. We should do this and get it over with.
Do you want to study here or in your bedroom?
I'll go to a pay phone. Do you have pay phones in this town...
- or are you using a town crier? - We'll do it here.
Whatever you say.
I think the first thing to do is to acquaint
ourselves with each other's speeches...
so we can judge who hit what point best.
Here.
- Fine. - Good, let's read.
- Why did you use this font? - Because I was on the crack.
- Did you check these facts? - Yes, I did.
- And the spelling of these names? - Yes, I did.
- Rory? - What, Paris?
I slept with Jamie.
- Last night, after we talked. - Was it something I said?
I went over to study, he lit a fire, and we did it.
- What are your thoughts on that? - My thoughts?
Because I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it myself yet.
I've been going over it in my head.
It seemed to go pretty well. The fire was nice.
Thank God he didn't put on any ridiculous make-out music...
and then it happened. I was actually surprised at the timing of it...
'cause I wasn't wearing anything particularly alluring.
- In the moments just before the act... - Oh, God.
We were discussing modern day Marxism in America, which is not...
what I'd have deemed a come-and-get-it conversation...
but nevertheless he came and got it.
I have to figure out what that means to me on a psychological level.
I thought maybe if we could have a healthy debate about it...
I could come to a reasonable conclusion...
about how I should be feeling right about now.
So, come on, talk, what do you think?
- Are you pro? - Well...
- Con? Undecided? - Well...
Paris, just stop talking for one second...
and let me get my mind around this.
Sorry. Go ahead, focus.
Could you focus faster, because I really need some feedback here.
Okay, so you are telling me that you and Jamie...
Had sex.
Okay, so, were you safe?
Yes, it was a regular after school special.
Well, was he nice to you?
Yes, he was very nice to me.
And the two of you had discussed this...
I don't know that we actually discussed it, it was just sort of implied.
- Implied. - Yes, implied.
When you're dating a boy and you're together for some time...
and you're not Amish, then the eventual occurrence of intercourse is inevitable.
- Wasn't it with you? - What?
- With Dean. - No.
- No? - No. I never did it with Dean.
Well, then with Jess, right?
- No. - You're lying.
- No, I'm not lying. - You haven't?
- No. - Why not?
I just haven't. It's just not the time.
Why is it not the time?
If it's not the time for you, maybe it's not the time for me.
You can't judge what's right for you against what's right for me.
We are different. And Jamie and Jess are different.
- Well, yeah. - Maybe it was the time for the two of you.
I guess. I just wish I had the data to back it up.
Some things can't be analyzed.
Listen, Rory, these last few weeks...
Francie got things all twisted around.
You let her get things all twisted around.
I know. I just tend to believe the worst in people, you know?
Yeah, I know.
I'm...
- That's okay. - Hello, Mommy's home.
- We're in here. - We're? Who's we're?
Paris, I didn't know you were coming over tonight.
- It wasn't planned. - I bought pizza if you guys are hungry.
I have to take my retainer out first.
I'll get the plates.
- Hey. - Hey.
- I'm taking you shopping tomorrow. - Why?
Just seems time for new shoes.
Okay.
[Whispering] I've got the good kid.
After 200 years of tradition, Chilton begins its third century of educating...
I've got the coats hung. And I gave the girl $1...
to get the good hangers with the dry cleaning foam-strips attached.
- Why are you frowning? Are you nervous? - No, I mean, yes.
Paris is supposed to be here, and she's not.
Maybe she's just had a clothing crisis.
- Maybe. - Do you want to call her?
- I did. No answer. - I'm sure she's fine.
There's traffic, just relax.
- Okay. - There you are.
- Hi. - Grandpa, you came.
Of course I came, I wouldn't miss my granddaughter talking on national TV.
It's quite a nice turnout you have here.
We're proud of the number of people who have nothing to do on a Friday night.
Your mind never tires for a moment, does it?
It will once people start talking.
- Charming. - I'm going to go track down some coffee...
'cause there's no way they're not serving coffee.
I'll be right back. Relax, she'll be here.
Stanford has been really fantastic.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Excuse me for a moment. - Sure.
We seem to be running into each other a lot lately.
Come on, you know where there's C-SPAN, there's me.
Is Rory around?
She's looking for Paris and panicking she'll have to do this alone.
- Paris will come. - I told her that.
- Listen, do you have a second? - Sure.
I just want to talk to you about...
I just wanted to get away from...
Anyhow...
we haven't really...
talked since...
I know. We haven't.
[Max clearing throat]
I always meant to call you, but I'm...
not good at calling when a call is really necessary and then...
you know...
if you don't call for a while it gets harder to call.
Then after a while it feels like it's too late to call...
and you don't, although you always know you should have called.
- I should have called. - It's okay.
No, it's not. I never really explained what happened.
- You didn't marry me. - Yes, I know.
But I never really explained why. I just didn't.
You didn't love me.
I don't think I didn't love you. I think I was not ready to get married.
- Because you didn't love me. - No, I really don't think that was it.
Sometimes the person you love...
is not the person you're ready to live with forever.
I'm not saying this is right, but...
Lorelai, listen to me. I appreciate this, I really do, but there's no need for it.
I'm really okay.
No, I know... I'm sure you're okay.
I'm not saying this because you don't look okay.
You look great. Really great.
Although I'm not saying this because you look really great, although you do.
Did you join a gym in California?
Look, I've always wanted to teach at a university like Stanford.
And finally the opportunity came up. I went and it was wonderful.
Frankly if we'd been getting married, I wouldn't have been able to take it.
- You're welcome. - And being away gave me time to think.
I thought...
- and now I'm fine. - It's just, we never had any closure.
- Life's not really about closure, is it? - No, I guess not.
- So you're okay? - I'm okay. I'm over it.
- You sure? - I'm completely sure.
Well, then, boy, don't I feel stupid.
You are many things but stupid is not one of them.
Well, I'm really glad...
I got to see you again.
Me, too.
- I better get back. - Okay.
Rory, you and Paris should get ready. You're going on next.
Richard, I didn't know you were coming. How are you?
- Very well. - Wonderful. Let me find you a seat.
- I'm also with my daughter. - Well, let me find you two seats.
- Where's Paris? - I don't know.
I haven't seen her, and I called her house.
Oh, dear. I hope you know both parts.
- Okay. Great. - You are going to be wonderful.
Trust me. Now, did anyone ever tell you to picture the audience in their underwear?
- Yes. - Don't do it.
I did it once, and I had nightmares for a week.
- Bulgarians in Speedos... - Say no more.
- They're rounding us up, is she here yet? - No.
Well... There she is.
- Where? Oh, thank you, God. - Okay, be great, we'll see you afterward.
Where have you been, Paris? Are you okay?
And it is with great pleasure that I introduce two young ladies...
that epitomize the very best of what Chilton has to offer.
Paris, are you okay?
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Paris Gellar and Rory Gilmore.
"Apply yourself. Get all the education you can but then do something.
"Don't just stand there, make it happen." Lee Iacocca.
"Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one."
Malcolm Forbes.
"Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember..."
"From time to time, that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught."
Oscar Wilde.
These are only three of many countless views...
on the expansion of the human mind. I personally believe in all of them.
And fortunately for me, so does Chilton.
An institution, not just because of age and standing, but because of ideas.
Because it encourages ideas, and it will accept nothing less...
than everything you have to give.
This is the place where our lives start.
You know, it's funny...
me standing here before you right now.
I have thought about nothing else for four years but this school.
This big, important school...
with all of its history and tradition...
and really super teachers.
And I dedicated myself to it... completely.
Heart and soul.
Believing in its power.
Believing in its ability to get me where I needed to go:
Harvard.
I thought of nothing else.
Many of you out there can attest to that fact.
I was on my way, and nothing could stop me.
And here's the really funny thing.
After four years of slaving away...
I go home today and I found this.
I'm not going to Harvard. I got the tiny envelope.
The one that reads, "Sorry, Paris. We're not interested."
"Try again next year. Love, Harvard."
And the thing that's really funny here is...
who in the world deserves to go to Harvard more than me?
Have you seen how hard I've worked over these past four years?
Can anyone here believe that I'm not going to Harvard?
I can't.
I'm not going to Harvard.
I am not going to Harvard!
I had sex, but I'm not going to Harvard.
I have to tell you, if you asked me which of those two events...
I thought would be the least likely to happen...
it would not be the not going to Harvard.
- Thank you and goodnight. - I'm being punished.
I had sex, so I don't get to go to Harvard.
Paris, come on.
She's never had sex. She'll probably go to Harvard.
She's a shoo-in. Pack your chastity belt, Gilmore.
- You're going to Harvard. - Come on.
[Audience murmuring in disbelief]
How could I have not gotten into Harvard?
Five generations of Gellars have gotten into Harvard.
Even if I was the Billy Carter of the family...
the name is still supposed to carry some weight.
They had to really not like me for me to not get in.
- It's like they know me or something. - Stop.
I know how much this meant to you.
But you're going to get just as good an education...
at one of the other great schools you're destined to get into.
And you know what?
Maybe it's a good thing you're going to a different school...
than the rest of your family. You'll be doing your own thing.
Starting your own tradition. Doesn't that sound exciting?
I can't believe I slept with Jamie. I'm a slut.
- No, you're not. You love him. - What if he doesn't love me anymore?
What if he doesn't think I'm special anymore?
How am I going to tell him I didn't get into Harvard?
What am I going to do?
I don't know why you didn't get into Harvard...
but you are so smart and so special.
You'll see, everything's going to be fine.
I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.
Yeah, we've got everything under control. Thanks.
Okay, I'll be outside when you're ready.
- No rush. - Thanks.
All I've got to say is, after all the trouble this sex thing has caused me...
I had better have been good.
That's the perspective I know and love.
Dad, hi. Sorry, I was checking on the girls.
I hope they're feeling good about themselves. They did a wonderful job.
I'm sure they'll be pleased to hear you think so.
Listen, I need to get home.
I'm expecting a very important call from China...
that unfortunately I cannot miss.
That's fine, I'll tell Rory you had to go.
And tell her I'll call her later. And give her this.
That's very nice! How about my finder's fee?
You're very amusing.
Thank you for a lovely evening and I'll see the two of you on Friday.
Good night, sleep tight.
Excuse me. Hi.
I'm not seeing my coat here, and it was very cute and it was on sale.
I'll fling myself off a building if I lose it.
We put some of the coat racks in that classroom. Take a look.
Otherwise, the staircase to the roof is on your right.
Thank you.
Took 200 years, but somebody at Chilton finally cracked a joke.
MAX: Okay.
So this is where they keep the coats they're ashamed of.
This school's taken snobbery to a whole new level.
- Is Rory okay? - Yeah, I just went back there.
She's taking care of Paris, but she's good, thanks.
I must say, I've been a teacher for 10 years...
and it wasn't until today I realized it must be very hard to be a girl.
And with the invention of Sephora, really expensive, too.
- I'm very sorry. - Don't be.
At least we get to wear skirts without being Scottish...
or riding a float in the gay pride parade.
That will change someday. When it does, I still won't wear a skirt.
But I'll applaud those who do.
And then I'll cross the street so nobody sees I'm with them.
- Nice seeing you. - Nice seeing you, too.
- Take care of yourself. - I will.
And apparently... I'm not over it.
I'm not getting rid of my knives, Jackson. I'm a chef. I have to have knives.
And I'm also not cutting off the water supply...
and I'm not sanding down all the edges of my furniture.
I'm sorry that you think this house is a death trap...
and that there's nothing in our lifestyles that is conducive to having a baby.
But our kid should be bright enough...
not to disconnect a water hose going to the automatic icemaker...
and shove it up his or her nose.
Now go to sleep.
Did I tell you how happy I am?
No, you didn't.
I have never been happier about anything in my entire life.
Really?
Our wedding day, but this is running a really close second.
Jackson.
If you would just get rid of the knives, I think it could make it a tie.
I wasn't kidding about the knives.
Good night, Jackson.
If I could read you the statistics just one more time...
I love you, Jackson.
Hold on, I'll find them.
- But... - I don't know.
- What does this mean? - I don't know.
- What are you going to do? - I don't know.
- What about Alex? - I don't know.
- But is Max going to... - Honey, have you gotten the clue?
- There won't be much information tonight. - Sorry.
It's just so...
The big one.
Looks like Paris was right.
Apparently you're the biggest virgin in the world.
Wow.
So? What?
- I don't know. - Well, what does this mean?
- I don't know. - Which one are you gonna choose?
- I don't know. - I guess we'd better go inside.
We both have a lot of things to figure out.
What are the odds that Paris will ever have sex again?
I don't know.