[Phone ringing]
Hello?
- They know. - Who knows?
The cats. They know I've broken up with Jason and I'm alone.
They've decided it's time for me to become a crazy cat lady.
- What are you talking about? - There's a cat on my doorstep.
That's better than a bun in your oven.
It's sitting there staring at me, like it knew this moment was coming.
- Why is it still there? - It's a stray. It's passing through.
It's hanging out. Relax.
Move away from the window and go back to bed.
It's not fair. We just broke up. It just happened. I'm still young.
It's still possible I'll have a successful relationship.
- My eggs are still viable. - Are you yelling at me or the cat?
The cat. He flipped me off with his tail.
- I'm Babette. - Babette's not single.
Whose side are you on? Circle the wagons.
Everyone knows. They can see it in my face.
"She's single again. She couldn't make it work again.
"She picked the wrong guy again." Do not lick yourself in front of me.
Mom, I need you to get a grip.
You're tired, stressed out, and not seeing things clearly.
My God! There are two of them.
They're not even easing me into this, those bastards.
I give up.
I guess I need to start collecting newspapers and magazines...
find a blue bathrobe, lose my front teeth.
Obviously, you've got a busy day ahead of you...
so I'm gonna let you go.
- I need to find some yarn balls. - Bye.
I am a young, desirable woman.
Michel, curtains. Tom, banister and mud-sink valve.
Sylvie, horse feed. Jackson, garden stone. Sookie, too much salt in the gazpacho.
Boy.
- What are you doing? - I need coffee.
- It's 5:00 a.m. Make coffee at your house. - I did. I drank it all.
You drank all the coffee in your house before 5:00 a.m.?
- Big gulps, lots of sugar. - Get up.
And just a little bit of cream 'cause it makes it cold.
Keep moving.
I can't sleep. I can't turn my mind off.
It keeps running and thinking and making lists.
Maybe if you drank a little less coffee, you'd make less lists.
I can't stop drinking the coffee.
I stop drinking coffee, I stop doing the standing and walking...
and the words-putting-into-sentence doing.
I'll make you some coffee.
If I could move, I would hug you.
In fact, in my mind, I am hugging you...
and also telling the plumber there's no water pressure in rooms 10, 12, and 15.
I'm making you some oatmeal.
- I don't like oatmeal. - You've gotta eat something healthy.
I'm so completely stressed.
I can't remember what I'm doing from one moment to the next.
- It's never gonna get done. - It will.
No, it won't, and the inn won't open, and then I'll go broke.
- How do you do it? - Do what? Go broke?
No, run this place, handle all the stress?
- The place isn't stressful. - It's not?
Actually, at this moment, it is a little.
Maybe I can't handle it. Do you think I can handle it?
- I already said you could handle it. - When?
- Quite a while ago. - Did I believe you?
- Apparently, you didn't listen to me. - I want you to take a tour of the inn.
Why don't I wait till it's repossessed? I'll see it at the auction.
How can you be so mean when I only managed to line one eye?
I apologize.
Seriously, I want to give you an official investor's tour.
It's looking really good.
I heard the water pressure sucks in rooms 10, 12, and 15.
- What do you say? - You eat the oatmeal, I'll take the tour.
Fine, I'll eat it. But I'm making a face the entire time.
Looking forward to it.
Hey, Kirk.
- Something wrong? - I wanted to sit there.
- Seriously? - Of course.
Why do you think I'm here this early? I wanted to get that table.
Every single other table in here is empty.
- Except the one I want. - Fine.
You have to understand that on days when Lulu is working...
- I have very little in my life. - I know.
This table is a small thing, but it makes me happy.
It gives me a sense of power over my life...
a little control in a world where very little is controllable.
Kirk, I moved. Your table's free.
- Thanks. - You're welcome.
Boy, the light over here is excellent.
[Lorelai groaning]
Is this your voice?
[On answering machine] Michel, curtains. Tom, banister and mud-sink valve.
Yes. I left myself a couple of messages last night.
You left yourself 25 messages last night...
and the funny thing is, you didn't listen to any of the messages.
- I listened to the messages. - Just hand them to me, please.
Every day that you breathe, you make my life harder.
- I've got a solution for you. - And when is the desk coming?
I don't find the whole...
conducting-business-on-the-floor thing amusing anymore!
I want a desk and a chair and a bell.
Where the hell is my bell?
- You came by. - You told me I had to.
- I'm so glad you're here. - The staircase is beautiful.
Tom. Nice work here.
But you used glue. I thought with a banister...
Are you gonna kibitz?
Guys who know a little about construction...
they build a birdbath, install a towel bar...
makes them think they know something, so they kibitz...
offer free advice on things they don't know anything about.
- I got a low tolerance for that right now. - I'm not gonna kibitz.
And stop touching my banister.
He won't let me touch the banister either.
You want to see the kitchen? The stove is a thing of beauty.
We're thinking of ordering out so we never have to use it.
Great idea. And I wasn't gonna kibitz.
- Exciting, isn't it? - I know.
Lorelai, great. I've been looking for you. Hi, Luke.
Sookie. Nice kitchen. Did you use the original tiles?
- I don't know. Ask Tom. - Never mind.
Lorelai, I would like to introduce you to Shel Sausman.
- Shel, this is Lorelai Gilmore. - It is really nice to meet you.
- It's really nice to meet you, too. - Shel is going to be our poultry supplier.
That's great.
He sells only free-range, hormone-free, and he's recently divorced.
I assume the one doesn't have anything to do with the other.
You're funny. She's funny.
They say pretty women usually aren't funny because they never had to be.
Were you a fat child?
I'm gonna go out and check with Michel on something...
and you guys just talk till I get back.
- Why do you need to talk to Michel? - Tablecloth supplies.
- I can do that. - Michel likes me better. Just talk!
- Lorelai... - Shel, have you met Luke?
- Luke, get up! - What?
Shel, this is Luke.
- Nice to meet you. - Yeah, you, too.
Luke is my special friend.
Yeah. I have to tell you...
renovating this place has been a real nightmare.
I don't know how I would have gotten through it without him.
Have I said thank you to you recently?
- No. - Thank you.
- You're welcome. - It was nice meeting you both.
- I'm gonna go say goodbye to Sookie. - Bye, Shel.
- Don't touch my stomach. - You put my hand there.
She's trying to set me up with Shel, the poultry guy? Why?
I just broke up with someone. We'd been dating for a few months now.
I figured there was someone in the picture.
You did? How?
Just clues. You never dressed weather-appropriate.
- I can bundle on up now. - I'm sorry.
- Cats came to my house today... - Really?
Because they know I'm a loser and I'm destined to be alone.
You're not destined to be alone. You have Shel.
- Why is it so hard? - Relationships? Look who you're asking.
- At least you got married. - At least you had a kid.
It makes me sad sometimes. Does it make you sad?
I don't know. Maybe.
I see Dr. Phil books in our future.
Unless they stock them at Home Depot, they're not likely to cross my path.
All this sad talk is putting a damper on my stressing.
- The place is great. - Do you think I can do this?
I already told you you can do this.
I already told you that I told you you can do this.
- You're making me long for Shel. - You'd never want for chicken.
STUDENT: isn't political writing just another form of propaganda?
Absolutely not.
Political writing confronts your assumptions.
- Propaganda can do that. - No, it cannot.
Propaganda merely reinforces what that person wishes to be told.
That means the definition is determined by the audience.
- That's one way of looking at it. - You can't do that.
You can't define literature in terms of the audience.
Far be it from me to expect reason and common sense...
to triumph above youthful omniscience...
so for today, we shall stop until next week.
- Rory, hi. - Stop it.
I thought I'd do some laundry, and I don't have a full load of whites...
so if you have whites, toss them in.
I don't want to be your beard anymore. Just go talk to Asher.
I don't take his class. People will get suspicious.
What, is he taking confession? You can't go.
I'm not gonna be in this class forever...
which means next year, you'll have to find another idiot...
to stand here until the coast is clear.
It's all going to be coming out eventually.
Asher asked me to go to Oxford with him this summer.
Really? Oxford? That's...
- This is really getting serious. - There's now travel involved.
As soon as news of the trip gets around, the secret is out.
- I guess so. - Crap.
Pretend you have to see him. You were confused on the last point he made.
You were gonna ask him after class but Toby wouldn't stop yapping.
I feel my mouth moving, something's coming out.
Walk faster. We'll miss him.
- Did you find what you need? - Yeah. Fine.
- What are you doing? - I have to ring them up.
I'll just tell you the prices. This one is $24.99.
- That high? - They're your prices.
Can I see the book?
Wait, that's the Canadian price. It's $14.99.
Will you let me scan the book?
When you scan the book, do you see the title?
- Yes. - Then no.
What do you got there, porn?
- You sell porn? - No!
Think I brought my own porn in here to buy?
I don't know what you're doing. I just need to scan the books.
- This should cover it. - $100? That's way too much.
Take it.
Bag.
MAN: [On tape recorder] Love!
You want it? You can have it.
And not compromised, stifled, soul-killing love...
but open, honest, life-affirming love.
But how do you get it? How do you get this love?
If I knew that, what would I need you for?
It's going to take work. It's going to take introspection.
You're gonna have to learn new things:
how to be your own best friend...
how to treat your damaged psyche with a little kindness...
"how to say," Pal, you're worth it.
"You mean something to someone, and you deserve love."
That is the key.
If you crave love, then you deserve love.
Say that to yourself.
"If I crave love, I deserve love."
[Sighing deeply]
Now, how did that feel coming out?
I'll bet it was hard. I'll bet you felt ridiculous.
Some of you may even have been incapable of saying it at all.
- Try again. - I'm not incapable.
I just haven't been hit in the head with the Oprah stick lately.
Trust me, my friend, it will get easier.
Until one day, you turn around, and you are not alone.
Ready to begin the journey? It's going to be one hell of a ride.
Okay, let's go. Open up your workbook to Page 1.
It doesn't get lower than this.
Dean, we appreciate you working late all this week.
I appreciate the extra cash.
The wire snapped. I can fix it.
- He's like a superhero. - He's my super Mr. Fix-it man.
- We'll work on a name. - Your tool belt will glow.
I can't wait.
What did you think of the onion soup I made today?
- It was good. - Good enough for the opening?
No, we have to serve...
your critically acclaimed zucchini soup for the opening.
But Jackson has some concerns about the zucchini crop...
so I want to have a backup.
We've got to serve the zucchini soup. People are expecting it.
- The zucchini have got to be there. - I'll tell Jackson he has to have them.
- Dean, come on. - Lindsay, I'm working.
- How shocking. - What do you want me to do?
We were supposed to go out with Erika and David tonight.
- I can't. - Why would you say you could?
I told you if there was a chance for some extra hours that I was gonna take it.
- We never do anything, Dean. - We need money! You know that, Lindsay!
You are so incredibly selfish. You never think about me. Never.
You want a townhouse? You want a new car?
- We need money to pay for these things. - I sit at home all day waiting for you.
You never call during the day like you always promise you will.
I'm bored, Dean. Don't you care about that?
I want to go out with my husband. We're married here!
- I'll be done in a couple of hours... - I'm going out with Erika and David.
Fine. Go. When will you be home?
- When I get home. - That's nice, Lindsay. That's real nice.
Whatever, Dean.
[Door slamming]
MAN: [On car stereo] Complete the following sentence. I feel angry because...
I am listening to this tape.
I feel hopeful because...
This tape must end eventually.
I feel helpless because...
I wonder if anyone's ever kicked an audiotape's ass.
Hold on.
- What are you doing here? - Look how happy he is to see me.
I just didn't expect it, that's all.
My brother. You remember T.J., right?
- I'm still here. - How you doing, T.J.?
Lizzie, I don't know. How am I doing?
He's doing great 'cause we're getting married.
- Married? Really? - We're doing it right here next week.
That's fast.
We wanted to do it before the circuit started, so our friends could come.
It's gonna be so beautiful. Wait till you see.
- You ever been to a Renaissance wedding? - No.
It's great. Horses, costumes, really big turkey legs.
- You're gonna love it. - Okay, you gotta slow down here.
- No way. You slow down, you die. - When did this happen?
Last week. T.J. asked me, I said yes, we made a few phone calls...
and here we are, grabbing life by the ping-pongs, as T.J. says.
There's gonna be a bachelor party. My brother's coming down...
got a couple of friends dropping in. It'll be fun!
- You have to go. - Sure, if you want me to.
Want you to? Of course I want you to. I want you to be my best man, also.
You're kidding.
Of course I am. You'd be 800th on the list.
But you can come to the bachelor party if you want.
- Are you happy for me? Say you are. - Sure, I'm happy for you.
Of course I'll go to your bachelor party.
Keeping up appearances that we like each other...
- very classy for the wedding. - T.J., come on.
I'm going to get some beer.
Where's he going? He doesn't know where to go.
He's got a nose for these things. Wait till you see this wedding.
My God. It's unbelievable.
- I'm wearing a white dress. - That is unbelievable.
Stop it.
It's about a zillion years old with flowing sleeves.
I'm like Vanessa Redgrave in Camelot.
Seriously, I love myself in this dress.
Sounds like a good dress.
I'm so excited. I'm getting married again.
So how are you gonna do this so quickly?
We're gonna have the ceremony right out there in the square.
We've got our Renaissance Fair buds all pitching in.
We got the Scotch egg guy to cater it...
and T.J.'s gonna write the vows. You won't have to do a thing.
- Sure. - I swear, everything's taken care of.
- Carrie's gonna be my maid of honor. - Terrific.
- She's a good friend. - To one and all. Does Jess know?
- He knows. - Did he take it well?
- Took it like Jess. - Meaning?
- He's not coming. - Why not?
- He's young, he's busy. - Busy doing what?
I don't know. It's okay. I just thought... But it's no biggie.
- I mean, I got you there, right? - Yeah.
Are you gonna dress up?
- Absolutely. - As a minstrel?
Who's the guy who jumps around in bells and a pointy hat?
- The court jester. - I will come as a court jester.
You're a good brother.
You got any of that terrible peach pie you make?
I'm starving.
- Hello. - Did you bring the Nutter Butters?
- I'm fine. I missed you, too. - We have achieved culinary perfection.
What's with the carrots?
I was afraid you weren't eating right at school.
- Marshmallow? - Thank you.
Man, I've missed AI's Chinese night.
He's got a new thing now, chicken chow mein sandwich.
What exactly was Grandma's excuse for canceling Friday night dinner?
Dad was traveling and she had a function.
- It was that generic? - She put no thought into it.
It was muffled, but at the end of the call, I heard a knock...
- and someone yelling, "Turndown service." - Living in a hotel.
- And hiding it. - Poor Grandma. We should talk to them.
- "We"? - You. I'm a child.
Talking is not my parents' thing. It would humiliate them if they knew...
that we knew that they are whatever they are.
- So we do nothing? - We wait until one of them cracks.
- How many tapes are we watching? - Every time I started watching...
something I thought you would like, I stopped watching it...
and saved it for when we could watch it together.
So I watched the first 10 minutes of 12 movies.
Which one are we gonna watch?
The absolute funniest movie known to man: Fatso.
I'm loving the title.
- Anne Bancroft wrote and directed it. - Annie Sullivan, look at you go.
How's everything at the inn coming along?
Everyone's freaking out because we've got a million things to do.
But we finally got the pictures up. The beds were delivered today.
I forgot. A little bit of gossip.
- What? - It's not fun gossip.
Sookie and I overheard Dean and Lindsay having a major fight.
- It was ugly. - Really? About what?
She was mad because he was working late to make some extra cash.
She wanted to go out, and it got heated and vicious...
and the whole thing ended with a "Whatever, Dean."
- That sounds bad. - It wasn't good.
- Maybe they'll make up. - I hope so.
Yeah, me, too.
ALL: Fat!
This is the greatest thing I've ever seen.
Kiss the Mommy.
Neighbor, the guys next door just ran out of crack to sell...
so they sent me over to borrow a cup.
Nice place. You put those holes there yourself?
- What are you doing here? - Just wanted to see how you were doing.
- Doing great. - You're doing great.
I'm not doing great, and I have running water.
- The place is fine. - What happened to "great"?
All this and no housewarming gift.
Sorry. I just thought you were going nowhere with your life.
Glad I'm wrong. Which filthy mattress is yours?
Right there.
Got the good corner, with a view of the mold.
Yeah, I won the toss. If you don't mind, I've got places to be.
Let's get down to it.
Liz told me you weren't coming to the wedding.
- No way you're here about that. - I am here about that.
- Why? - Why? Your mother's getting married...
- and you're not coming. - No biggie. I'll just catch the next one.
- This guy is different. - Come on.
He could be different. He seems different.
I've seen him with Liz. They seem to work.
We need to support this thing to give it a chance.
- No, we don't. - You are gonna regret this.
- I doubt it. - No, you are.
If you ever manage to grow up and get yourself together...
and drop the selfish, self-destructive behavior you're so fond of...
you are gonna look back on this moment...
and feel like a big steaming mound of crap that you missed this.
This could have been a turning point.
You could have witnessed something good for your mother.
Yes, she's screwed up a bit...
but now she seems to have found something to make her happy...
and you'll miss that. You refuse to be a part of that...
then you are gonna be very sorry.
[Beeping]
- What, are you a drug dealer now? - I'm a messenger. I gotta go.
- It's 4:00. - You owe me.
I was there for you when no one else was, and I want you there, and you owe me.
- I gotta go. - So do I.
I'm going first.
Hey, Todd.
I know what I'm talking about.
I'm looking for stalks of wheat, not processed wheat.
That's putting it another way. I need bare-ass stalks. Sorry.
I know you can't eat it like that. I just need it for decoration.
No, I'm not going poofy on you, damn it! Sorry.
I just need to know whether you have it or not.
No? Okay, whatever. Thanks.
Is there no wheat left in this country? Isn't Kansas lousy with wheat?
I recall Toto running through fields of it. Coffee to go, please.
- Why do you need wheat? - Liz's wedding.
- Liz is getting married? - She and T.J.
- Did I know this? - I guess not.
In New York?
- In the square, a Renaissance thing. - Could I be a little more behind?
I got sucked in, just like always.
First day, their cell phone died, so I let them use the phone.
Then I offered to make the call 'cause I knew who they were calling.
I had to pick something up 'cause I couldn't find T.J. to do it.
I'm hunting down wheat stalks and looking for local pewter craftsmen.
Do you know where I can find myrtle?
- Did you check the bingo parlor? - The plant.
Don't add stuff from your to-do list to my to-do list.
- Here's your coffee. - Thank you.
I can't believe I didn't know about this wedding.
- I'm caught up on everything, right? - I'd say so.
I'm not paying for a motel, so I'm staying with you.
Liar!
I wasn't sure he was coming. I went to see him in New York.
I needed things picked up in New York.
Don't add stuff from your to-do list to my to-do list.
- Sorry. - It's okay.
I should go.
Do you know that if the entire population of China walked by...
the line would never end because of the rate of population increase?
That's my list. Every Chinese person in the world.
- Scary. - Scary.
- What do you think? Friday night good? - I'm busy, Glen.
You're never busy on Friday nights. You always eat dinner early...
and watch TV and go to bed around 10:30.
You're spying on me?
Close your blinds if you're gonna be so sensitive.
[Cell phone ringing]
Hello?
Paris, slow down. Where are you?
Stop saying "the hospital." There are tons of hospitals. Which one?
- You're here. - I do show up occasionally.
The place looks the same. Is that your dinner?
Couldn't book my usual table at Le Cirque.
I wasn't sure what food I could eat.
Eat what you like. Start with the expired stuff.
Maybe I'll go out.
I'm hearing a good buzz about a chow mein sandwich.
What's on the playlist these days? I'm guessing Jethro Tull or Jethro Tull.
- Just stay away from that. - What's with you?
Eat my food, use my shower. Just don't go poking around my stuff.
Mr. Sensitive.
- Enjoy your evening. - Don't wait up.
MAN: [On tape recorder] ...you're a road in need of some repair.
If your score is between 30 and 40 points...
then you're a road laden with potholes and you need a double striping.
And if your score is 40 or above...
it's jackhammer time because your roadie impassable.
- [Sarcastically] Yikes. - Chapter 7.
Men, a question: What is fantasy?
The answer: Fantasy is the imaginative fulfillment...
of your heart's desire.
And one of the most common fantasies for single men...
is the fantasy of your ultimate companion.
Story time: I had a friend, let's call him Phillip...
who couldn't make up his mind amongst three different women that he liked.
I developed a test for him. And for you.
Goody.
Whose phone calls or visits are never unwanted or too long?
Do you see her face?
Who would you most like to have in your life...
to ward off moments of loneliness?
Do you see her face?
When you travel, who would make your travels more enjoyable?
Do you see her face?
When you're in pain, who would you most like to comfort you?
Do you see her face?
When something wonderful happens in your life...
a promotion at work, a successful refinancing...
who do you want to share the news with?
Do you see her face?
Whose face appears to you, my friend?
Whose face?
Excuse me, I'm sorry. I'm not sure which floor to go to.
I've been getting conflicting advice. A friend of mine is here...
but she didn't say exactly where, so I'm just wondering...
PARIS: Why do I have to say everything twice?
I don't want my time wasted that way.
You don't want your time wasted that way.
Lives are dependent on you people not wasting your time.
I came here because of your reputation. Don't make me destroy it.
You have to lower your voice.
That is professor Asher Fleming of Yale University.
He's an important man, and you're acting like you're gonna sell his spleen to UCLA.
The procedures are the procedures.
Really? I thought the procedures were a hat.
Hit me with some more lame tautology, Socrates.
Enough. Calm down, take a seat, and let us continue our work.
You men, always telling us to calm down. Me, Hillary, Martha...
the second we make a squeak, you're pushing us onto the fainting couch.
Asher asked for a moistened towel 20 minutes ago...
and no one's brought him a moistened towel.
This man is an award-winning novelist, a sought-after lecturer.
He deserves a moistened towel! Give me a towel, I'll moisten it myself!
Paris, come on. Fill me in.
Stat! Do you not know what "stat" means?
- They say it on all the hospital shows. - Paris, what's happening?
- It's Asher. - What's happening?
We were out getting some gelato. He dropped his spoon...
and he started to lean on me like he was about to fall...
and he was having these pains.
- My God. - We sat down, and he said he was fine...
but I got worried because he looked so pale.
So I rushed him here to this chop shop masquerading as a hospital...
and I can't get anyone to help him.
This is a really good hospital. They know what they're doing.
They wouldn't let me see him because I'm not a blood relative.
He's got two grown kids. Where are they?
You put food on their table, a roof over their heads...
- and this is how they repay you? - Is it serious?
It wasn't a heart attack. It was angina or something.
- I think he's gonna be fine. But... - But what?
The wobbling, the look on his face, the angina. He's old.
- What? - He has pains, he wobbles.
I spotted him through the curtain when the doctor came out...
and he was just lying on that bed all alone...
and he had his eyes open and was just staring at the ceiling.
- He looked so close to death. - He's not that close.
He's closer than me.
An anvil could hit you on the head tomorrow...
and he could live another 40 years.
I'm 19. I should be rollicking. Asher doesn't rollick.
He probably didn't rollick when he was younger. He's British.
You should have seen how he was staring at the ceiling...
- like he was looking at God. - He wasn't.
You've probably been laughing at me all these months.
- No, I haven't. - I'm in a hospital.
I should be at a discotheque. Are kids still into that?
Let's get you something to drink. Let the hospital do their work.
- He orders old gelato. - Old gelato?
Vanilla. It's a very old flavor.
- I hate these pillows with a passion. - They look good.
- Good, not great? - They look great.
- Great, not fabulous? - Fabulous.
- Fabulous, not mondo-fabulous? - Come on.
- They look good to me. - Good, not great?
- Lorelai. - Twenty-eight to go.
Does it bother you that the word "laundry" is misspelled?
No! I proofed these pages a million times.
That breaks my heart. L-A-U-N-D-R-Y. That's right.
- No, it's D-R-I-E. - No, laundry: L-A-U-N-D-R-Y.
- There's no "U." - There's a "U" but no "Y."
- There's a "Y" but no "I-E," and a "U." - Or a "U."
There's a "U." there's no "I-E." It's a "Y." This is giving me a headache.
Does "consommé" have two "M's"?
- Hey, Abbott, just assemble the books. - It's getting late.
How late can you stay, Sookie?
As late as you want. Davey's with his grandparents...
and Jackson's sleeping with the zucchini.
- Is that farm jargon? - No, he's sleeping with the zucchini.
- What does that mean? - It means he's sleeping with the zucchini.
Sookie, fill me in here. Where's Jackson?
He checked the weather forecast today...
and there's a potential cold front coming in from Canada.
He knows how important the zucchini is for opening-day menu...
So "sleeping with the zucchini" means...
He's sleeping with the zucchini.
She's said it four times. You're very slow tonight.
You said to do whatever it takes to make sure we have fresh zucchini.
- Within the realm of reason. - Now you add that.
- Where are you going? - To the zucchini patch.
MICHEL: All of us or... LORELAI: Michel!
- Boys, we have arrived. - You said it, brother, my brother.
- Stomachache? - I'm fine.
- Check out the fresh nooks. - Nice and fresh.
- Not your scene? - Not really.
Mine neither. This is for the guys.
These days, there's nothing I'd rather do in the world...
than spoon with your sister.
[Exhaling sharply]
- Stomach again? - That time, yeah.
Let's grab seats before they're all taken.
Lap dance?
No, thanks. I'm just here for a bachelor party.
- That's why I'm here, too. - Thanks for the offer, but no, thank you.
But thank you. It was nice. Thanks. Thank you.
Thank you.
Luke, come on. You should get a lap dance.
- I'm fine. - Are you gonna stand all night?
If I stand, there's no lap to dance on, everything will be easier.
That's something there.
What you just said about your lap. The fact is, there is no such thing as a lap.
Think about it. It's there when you're sitting...
but it's gone when you stand, so where does it go?
It doesn't go anywhere. Meaning, it never was.
So a lap is just an illusion.
The way his mind works.
It's something else. Where have you been?
Bathroom. It's best to use it before the puking starts.
You left me hanging with the lords of Flatbush.
I'm sorry.
- Aren't you gonna sit? - He doesn't want to make a lap.
- A lap is an illusion. - What?
LUKE: Don't get him started.
- I want to talk to you later. - I always enjoy a good palaver.
We'll talk.
Thanks for the drink. I owe you.
- You don't owe me anything. - You can go in now.
Thank you. I think I'm going to go talk to him.
And have the talk. A real talk.
- Now? - This can't go on. It's too weird.
- Tonight's been sort of an eye-opener. - It's up to you.
We're supposed to leave for England in two weeks.
I shouldn't string him along.
Now is good, and to do it is good, for a number of reasons.
What reasons?
I just meant all the reasons that you already know.
- Wait for me? Take me home? - Yeah. I'll be right out here.
- Asher? - Paris?
Come.
- You needn't have stayed. - No.
I mean, I had the keys.
Then it was very convenient that you did stay.
- Did you ever get your towel? - Five of them. And I'm very grateful.
Thank you, angel.
- Yes? - Are you feeling better?
- I'm feeling much better. - Good. I'm glad.
You read all these awful stories in the paper...
a guy comes in with a stomachache, and they amputate his foot.
Come, sit down.
You know, a hospital seems a wonderful place...
to discuss something serious, doesn't it?
I guess.
I want you to know that I'm grateful...
for every moment that we've spent together this past year.
You're wonderful company.
- I don't think I've said that enough. - No. You have.
You know, I've had other relationships like this.
- You may have heard talk. - I rarely listen to anything anybody says.
I didn't want you to think that I was hiding anything.
- I want to be honest with you. - Thank you.
There's something very unique about you, Paris...
quite out of the ordinary.
A lot of people have said I'm not ordinary.
You know, I'm going to be very busy at Oxford.
I've been writing down all the places...
that I wanted to take you, things you should see...
but I'm afraid there's not enough time.
So I was thinking of going alone.
I'd like you to go, but I don't want you to be bored.
- You've been writing down places? - I'd forgotten how many there were.
So if you want to reassess, I will completely understand.
Do you want to reassess?
No. I don't want to go alone...
and I don't want to go with anyone else.
But then I'm selfish.
I get to be.
After all, I'm old.
You're not so old.
Hi. I'm looking for Asher Fleming.
He's getting dressed. He should be out in a minute.
Thank you.
He'll be all yours in a minute, girlfriend.
- Miss Gilmore. - Hello, Professor.
- You ready? - I'm going to go with Asher.
We're going to do more planning for England.
- But I thought... - Andrea, what brought you here?
Mom called.
Paris, Rory, this is my granddaughter, Andrea.
- Hi. - Hi.
Hey, there. It's really nice to meet you.
I'm gonna be going home now, because there's no rest for the wicked.
So I'll see you at home.
I'll just see you in class there, Asher. Professor.
It's really nice meeting you. Bye.
I love mud, I love wrestling, I love girls. This is everything I love.
In one neat package.
- Here's our boy. You having a good time? - I'm having a gay old time.
You read so much, I'm thinking of nicknaming you Reads.
- Good one. - Tough guy, huh?
Your mom has this thought she hasn't shared with you...
because she's afraid you wouldn't be into it.
She'd like you to walk her down the aisle.
Usually it's the father that would do that, but he's worm food.
- I knew that. - So, what do you say?
- I don't think so. - She really wants you to.
I really don't want to.
- I'd like it, too. - You, too?
- Yeah. - I don't think so.
It's a short aisle. It'll be over in a flash.
Get Luke to do it.
She wants you to do it.
- I guess we're at a stalemate. - I don't think we're at a stalemate.
Those girls are wallowing around in slimy dirt...
and you're looking at me?
- I don't want to tell your mom no. - I'll tell her.
- I don't want you telling her either. - Want to pitch in for a telegram?
- Knock it off! - Stop!
BOUNCER: That's it. This whole group out.
T.J.: Best bachelor party ever!
MICHEL: My God. I hate nature.
Jackson!
- What are you doing here? - What are you doing here?
I'm sleeping with the zucchini. Didn't you tell her?
She had a little trouble grasping that concept.
I do not want you to sleep with the zucchini.
- You said it was important. - They are.
And to keep them safe, no matter what it takes.
And there's a possibility of a cold front.
That's why you have heaters.
The heaters could fail, so I'm here to service them.
Technically, you're sleeping with the heaters?
I don't want you to do that either.
- It's cold. - It's warm down here.
Jackson, I love that you're doing this, but
I also feel like I should call the guys...
with butterfly nets to come get you and me and all of us.
- I'm so sorry, guys. - For what?
For freaking out about dumb things like zucchini...
and not realizing that people would respond in very loving and nutty ways.
This is not the way to do this.
We're too stressed out. We're not having fun.
This whole inn experience is flying by.
- Tonight, it stops. - Sounds good to me.
It is nice and warm here.
We each have to drop something off our list.
Something big. It's the others who get to pick for the person...
and the person cannot refuse a reasonable request...
- to drop something. - Like a game.
- And we all win. - You're dropping the pillows.
- Okay, the pillows are history. - Good.
Okay, you are dropping two desserts off the menu.
- A selection of six is all people need. - I'll second that.
I can live with that.
Michel, you won't ask for 10 references from each person we hire.
They are all such imbeciles. How else will we know?
- We're capping it at three. - Five.
- Four. - I guess four's okay.
- It really is comfortable here. - I'm actually relieved about the pillows.
- You'll do them later. - Are you guys seeing these stars?
- Beautiful. - I haven't looked at the stars in ages.
That's another rule. We all have to look at the stars more often.
Done.
- I'm very comfortable. - Me, too.
[Luke sighing deeply]
Tonight I got into a fight at a strip club with my nephew.
A fight. I haven't been in a fight since sixth grade.
Vince Williams called me a doody-head. I took it very personally.
But you know what? Tonight was good. Tonight something happened to me.
I achieved this great sense of calm.
No more anger, no more frustration.
Live and let live. You are who you are.
I cannot change that, and I'm gonna stop trying.
I wish I'd felt this earlier.
Then I wouldn't have dragged you down here.
I apologize for that.
But, I mean, if you really hate your mother that much...
then you shouldn't be here, you shouldn't walk her down the aisle...
and you shouldn't go to her wedding.
- I don't hate my mother. - You don't?
Then I don't get it. Why weren't you coming, because of me?
You hate me that much?
I don't hate you.
- I came here because of you. - Stop that.
- You said it was important to you. - I didn't think you were listening.
So you don't hate your mom, you don't hate me, so...
why weren't you coming?
No. Rory? Still?
That's ancient history. You haven't seen her in a year.
I saw her when I was here a few months ago.
- I didn't know that. What happened? - Nothing.
I told her...
What?
I told her I loved her.
- What did she say? - Nothing.
- You said it and walked away? - I got in my car and left.
- You dropped the bomb and ran? - I drove.
You didn't stick around to see what she said?
- No. Obviously, she had nothing to say. - How do you know?
She could have contacted me anytime in the last three months, but she didn't.
- You change your phone number weekly. - [Scoffing] The ball was in her court.
Jess, come on. You did this completely wrong.
Open, two-way communication is the foundation of love...
and you cut that off.
I had this friend, let's call him Phillip...
who thought expressing intimacy was a favor to his partner...
but expressions of intimacy should be given freely and frequently.
He loved Judy, but he used his love as a bargaining tool.
- Who the hell is Judy? - Phillip's wife. We call her Judy.
- I wasn't bargaining. - You were.
You had expectations out of line with what you deserved. You don't nurture.
Where are you getting this junk?
- Life. I've lived. - In a Bette Midler movie?
I'm just trying to help you out.
Please. You are the most dysfunctional person I know.
- Not anymore. - Your marriage to Nicole, that was weird.
- I'm better now. - Yeah, right.
We're just a couple of losers.
- Things change, my friend. - Yeah?
Stay tuned.
You really told her you loved her?
- Where are we? - Michel, wake up.
Hon, wake up.
- What happened? - We slept with the zucchini.
- We slept with the zucchini? - We slept with the zucchini.
I slept good. I mean, really good.
That's the best night's sleep I've had in weeks.
- My back was hurting. It's perfect now. - It's like a magic zucchini patch.
- How are the zucchini? - They can't wait to be soup.
- Luke, hi. - Where are you coming from?
You know, the zucchini patch.
It's a long story. No, it's short. I slept in the zucchini patch.
What are you doing here?
- I wanted to talk to you. - Okay.
I got that wedding coming up...
and I know you're busy with your to-do list and all...
but I think you could use a little break.
I could use a little break.
Take a break with me. Come to the wedding.
It should be fun. There'll be turkey legs.
Sure.
- Yes? - Yes.
Good. Yes, good.
All right, then.
I'll meet you at your house. We'll walk over together, okay?
- Great. - I'll see you then.
- Or before then. - Either way is good.
Yeah, me, too.
And you don't have to wear a fruity outfit.
- I'm gonna be a little fruity. - That's good, too.
[Sports commentator talking on TV]
What is it with you?
Here. I'm done with them. Enjoy.