- It still hurts! - Do you need stitches?
- Probably. - We should go to a doctor.
No. No doctors. You go into a hospital, you don't come out again!
RORY: Well said, Ida Morgenstern.
LORELAI: I'm starving. I need pancakes.
- Can I just ask... - No.
What on earth you thought you were doing?
I thought I was being a self-sufficient woman.
You hate ladders. You hate heights.
We needed our rain gutters cleaned.
Yeah, well, hire somebody.
Aren't we suddenly a Rockefeller.
It's better than you killing yourself.
I'm fine. I'm just being dramatic. It's what I do.
No more ladders.
- I promise. - Okay.
I think I have gangrene.
- You do not. - And vertigo.
- Oh, boy. - One leg feels shorter than the other.
This is gonna be the Vanity Fair paper-cut incident...
- all over again, isn't it? - Wow.
Leave your bandage alone.
Look, it's turning purple, but a really glowy purple! Look!
No, thanks.
Maybe our rain gutters are radioactive or made out of some kind of alien metal...
so when I cut my hand, I got infected with an extraterrestrial substance...
which is altering my internal makeup.
- Maybe I'll turn into a superhero! - Maybe.
Like, maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and suddenly be able to shower really fast.
We'll go pick out your cape after breakfast.
[Bell dings]
God, I'm starving. Must be from the loss of blood.
Yes, that must be it.
I'm getting pancakes with a side of pancakes.
- Where's Luke? - I don't know. Storage room?
Oh, no.
- Caesar's cooking. - Why is Caesar cooking?
- I don't know. - That's bad.
- His pancakes stink. - They do stink.
What do we do, resort to donuts?
Wait here.
- Luke, are you in there? - [Banging] Ow.
Luke, are you okay?
Stupid lamp!
Hey, Luke, are you being attacked by your possessions again?
LUKE: Hi. LORELAI: What're you doing?
I'm looking for my supply ledger.
- Is it going well? - It's going fine.
You have a sock on your shoulder. Is it helping you look?
- What're you doing up here? - Rory and I are starving.
We need you to cook us breakfast.
- Oh, my God. - Caesar can make you breakfast.
- What happened to this place? - Nothing.
This is what I always pictured the inside of my head to look like.
- Find a brown leather ledger. - I've never seen so much stuff.
It looks like a white-trash Hearst Castle.
On second thought, I'll find it myself.
Where did all this come from?
Jess. Liz shipped the rest of his stuff last week.
- He finally unpacked. - He did a very nice job.
I know it's crazy now, but I just have to get it all organized...
figure out where to put everything, buy another dresser...
a portable wardrobe, some storage bins.
Can of gasoline, box of matches.
Did I mention Caesar can cook you breakfast?
But he doesn't make the good, fluffy pancakes like you do.
- Then order eggs. - No.
- See, I had a near-death experience today. - Really?
Yes. I almost fell off the roof of my house trying to clean the rain gutters...
so I have to have pancakes. Please?
I'll help you shower when I become a superhero.
You've been in there for two hours.
Yeah, well, my hair just ain't bouncing and behaving today.
There are other people living here, too, you know.
Learn something new every day.
His people skills are really improving.
Go downstairs. I'll be there as soon as I can.
- How long is that? - I don't know.
- An estimate. - I don't know.
Ballpark figure. Off the top of your head.
- Will you... - Did I mention I almost fell off my roof?
I'd lie down if I could find the bed.
- Is this what you're looking for? - Great. Thank you.
Not unless you make the pancakes.
- Give me the book. - Give me the pancake!
- Come on. - Thank you.
You sure you weren't almost pushed off the roof of your house today?
[Lorelai giggles]
I think I'm finally ready to get a tattoo.
- Oh, please. - I am.
- You've been saying that for five years. - I know. But I mean it this time.
Fine. What are you getting?
- Mel Brooks. - Why?
What do you mean "why"?
The 2000 Year Oldman, Young Frankenstein, Silent Movie.
You don't think Mel has earned the right to have his face on my butt?
I am so sorry, Mel.
He'll love it. Trust me.
Rocky road hot fudge sundaes... and two cans of whipped cream
Trying to give Mel a bigger canvas to work with?
The man's a legend. He deserves the best.
Hey.
- What? - Luke.
RORY: What's he doing? LORELAI: I'm not sure.
Get the ice cream and make sure they give us maraschino cherries.
- Okay. - Thanks.
- What are you doing? - Rory and I just hit the video store.
We're on going home to eat something you wouldn't approve of.
Sounds good.
What are you doing?
Watching TV.
Wow, that's cute. Is it the first time it's been away from its mother?
It's a very good TV.
Black and white, coat-hanger antenna, really bad reception.
It's fine.
Don't you have a fully grown TV upstairs?
Yeah, well, Jess is upstairs.
- So? - So when Jess is upstairs...
that means the stereo's blaring and the place is a mess.
I just needed a little privacy.
So you came downstairs...
- Yes. - To sit on an uncomfortable chair...
in an empty diner that smells like onion rings.
- Yes. - Calgon take me away!
It was very peaceful until two minutes ago.
Did you ever think that maybe you should get a bigger apartment?
I don't need a bigger apartment.
That place upstairs was your father's office.
You turned it into an apartment. It was never meant to be lived in.
- It's fine. - It's too small for two people.
It's too small for one person if they have any kind of life.
We'll make do. We just need to...
No, you don't need to organize. You need to move.
I like my apartment.
It's not just your apartment. Jess lives there also.
- Jess is fine. - Are you sure?
He could be pinned under a box for a year in that place and you wouldn't know it...
until the neighbors started to complain about the smell.
Hi, Luke.
Rory. Perfect. Get her out of here.
Okay, fine. I'm leaving. Think about what I said.
You ever hire anybody to do that work for you?
- What? - The rain gutters?
No, not yet. Are you offering?
Actually, I was thinking about Jess.
Jess.
He's always looking for a little extra cash. He doesn't make that much here...
and I hate to think of where else he might try to get it.
You don't have to pay him the same as you would someone else.
You save a little. He keeps busy.
Yeah, well, maybe. I actually have to check with a couple of people...
that I'm supposed to hear from, but if they can't do it, then, sure.
Great. Just let me know.
I will. Bye.
So, who are all these people you asked to clean out our gutters?
- You know. - I do?
- Sure. - Remind me?
Okay. Well, there's Cid.
Cid, right.
And then there's Lou.
Yeah, a good man, Lou.
And also Moose, that is if Doris will let him out of the house again...
after that incident at Chicky's bachelor party.
I thought you said you were gonna give Jess a chance.
I am.
Then why won't you hire him?
I'm just... not very comfortable with him, Rory.
Well, try and get comfortable.
- Well, I don't know if I can. - But you said...
I know what I said, but I can't help it.
How many times can I tell you...
- That I don't know the real Jess? - You don't.
Well, fine. I don't know him, but I'm not too fond of his stand-in.
People are different once you get to know them.
- You weren't too fond of Luke at first. - That's not true.
You called him Duke for two years just to make him mad.
- And let me tell you, it worked. - But then you guys talked...
and eventually, time went by. Now you love him.
Well.
I'm just asking you to give Jess that same chance.
Rory, you like him.
- I don't have to like him. - Please.
- Can I at least call him Tess for a while? - You'll give him the job?
I'll give him the job.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- Tell me something. - What?
Why is it so important to you that I like him?
Well.
I just think that he's Luke's nephew, and we like Luke...
we eat at Luke's every day, we see Jess when we eat there every day...
and that it just might make things nicer if you liked him.
- And that's the only reason? - Yes.
- It's all about Luke and the diner. - Yes.
- It's got nothing to do with you. - No.
So you and Jess aren't... friends?
Yeah, we're friends.
Uh-huh.
I mean...
we're not good friends, but we're friends.
We're friendly. But that doesn't mean that...
we're friends in the traditional Webster's Dictionary definition of "friends."
Right.
- "Friendish" might be a better term. - Okay.
"Friendish." Got it.
And walk. And pump your arms and walk.
And shoulders back, tuchis in. Think about that double chin.
And walk. And tummies tight and walk.
Match me, sweetheart.
[Blaring rock music]
Jess?
How can anyone sleep through that? It's like the Huns are attacking.
You're oblivious. That's why you lie there while the rest of the world is going deaf.
Great.
Damn it.
- Damn it. Damn it. - Whoa, geez!
- What the hell! - I can't stand it! I'm going crazy!
This place is awful! I can't live like this anymore.
- Just relax. - I can't relax. I can't sleep.
I'm having nightmares about being chased around by boxes with arms...
and they tackle me and pile clothing on top of my face...
and secure it around my head with packing tape...
and I'm just lying there choking as you sit in the corner laughing...
- gelling your hair with a switchblade! - Should I be putting...
- a tongue depressor in your mouth? - We're moving.
- What? - Tomorrow.
- What are you talking... - I'm talking about us going out...
- and finding a new place to live. - But I...
No buts! 10:00 am tomorrow, I want you up, washed, moussed...
and ready to leave. End of story.
Now go back to bed.
What?
I need the music on to sleep.
[Blaring rock music]
- Forget it. - Why? What was wrong with it?
- It was pink. - We can paint it.
- You mean I can paint it. - We can paint it together.
Great. Then we can hold hands and skip afterwards.
- Fine. Which one do you like? - The one before.
- The one with two fridges. - No.
The one before was the one with two fridges.
No, it was the one with the cat.
I hate cats.
I don't think the cat came with the place.
It had carpeting, so it'll always smell like a cat.
- Clean the carpet. - Paint the pink.
- Fine, the one next to the bank. - Too many windows.
- What? - Six windows, all on one side...
3:00 pm, we're sitting in an oven.
- So we get curtains. - You'll have to help me put them up.
Great. Then we can hold hands and skip afterwards.
- Stop saying that. - I don't care.
- Pick whichever one you want. - I'm not picking by myself.
- Your the one who wants to move. - So you like living the way we do.
- Fine by me. - No space, no privacy?
I got plenty of privacy.
Because I'm downstairs in the dark watching a two-inch TV.
- You had a problem, you make the choice. - Jess, come on.
- I have to go. - We got three more places to look at.
I'm supposed to be at Lorelai's in 20 minutes, remember?
- Yeah. - If you want me to bail on her, fine.
- No, you go. I'll look at the places. - Good idea.
I'll take some Polaroids, and you can look at them later.
Take a Polaroid, paint a still picture, whatever you want.
Jess, come on.
Nobody asked me if I wanted to move to Stars Hollow, but I'm here.
Pick whatever place you want, and I'll be there, too.
- Mom? - Come here. Come here. Come here.
- I'm here. What's the matter? - Sit. Sit. Sit.
Okay, that should do it.
- Do what? - Wait.
- What are we waiting for? - Patience, grasshopper.
- Are we close? - Very close.
Hmm.
Getting closer.
- Should I get chips? - Ready?
LORELAI: And.
[Pig squealing radio alarm]
The clock is grunting.
This is a state-of-the-art CD clock radio that enables you to wake up to...
- the barnyard animal of your choice. - That is great.
I have selected the Perky Piggies.
You might choose the Cheery Chickens or the Goofy Goats.
This is as close to a farm as I wanna get.
Amen, sister friend.
[Knocking at the door]
I'll get it.
[Knocking at the door]
- Hey. - Here.
- The Shags? - Trust me.
Okay. You're very punctual.
Yeah, well, It was this or continue apartment hunting with Luke.
- You're moving? - I don't know.
Luke flipped out last night.
Next thing I know, he's dragging me all over town, measuring square footage.
- It's crazy. - A new place might be nice.
More space. Maybe you'll get your own room.
- You changed your hair. - What?
- Your hair looks different. - Segue way is not your thing, huh?
- Is it? - No, I wear it like this a lot.
Why?
- Just looks different. - Oh.
Bad different?
Hey, ducks!
We just got a new alarm clock.
Bet I know the lead story in tomorrow's Stars Hollow Gazette.
Did you hear the ducks?
'Cause they are great. Jess, you're here.
Terrific.
So... Would you like to come in?
Yeah. Come on in.
Sorry, I was just so excited about the ducks that...
Do you want something to drink?
You have good timing, 'cause we shopped yesterday, and in addition to...
a case of Maybelline Fresh Lash mascara...
I also bought some of that new freaky Coke with the lemon in it.
It's very addictive.
- You can sit, you know. - No, thanks.
- So, Jess, what's new? - Not much.
Jess and Luke are looking for an apartment.
- Oh. You guys see anything good yet? - Nope.
You know, there's some really cool places over on Peach.
Or on Plum.
Orange.
Basically, any of your fruit-named streets are pretty nice.
Okay, I guess you should get started.
There's a ladder right out front and some buckets and gloves and stuff on the porch.
If you need anything else just walk against the wind.
Come on. I'll show you.
- I'm trying. - Keep it up.
- Question. - Yes?
You come over. You seem to have a very firm grasp of the English language.
You put together several full sentences even using a couple of words that...
contain two or more syllables. And then my mother appears.
Suddenly, we need a thought bubble over your head...
to understand what you're thinking. Why?
The verbal thing comes and goes.
I would appreciate it if you would try to get along with my mom.
- I took the Coke. - I know.
I think it's a little crazy to put lemon in Coke, but I took it anyhow.
- Stop it. - Ooooh. Stern face.
Look, I went out on a limb for you...
trying to get my mom to give you the benefit of the doubt, okay.
I don't think it would hurt you to try to be nice.
- Why? - Why?
Yeah. Why?
Because she's my mom, and she's a friend of Luke's.
- So? - What do you mean "so"?
Because she's your mom or Luke's friend doesn't mean I have to get along with her.
Jess, my mother is a great person. She's also my best friend in the world.
So if you care about me at all, you will consider that and be mildly polite to her.
What makes you think I care about you?
I don't mean care, care, like a "care."
I mean if you like me at all... Not "like," like. I just meant that if...
If you think of me remotely...
as the sort of person that you could occasionally stand to talk to...
then you will try to get along with my mom. That's all.
- Okay. - Okay.
I can't guarantee that it'll work, but I'll try.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
I should probably get to work.
Right. Sorry. Go ahead.
RORY: inherit the Wind. Seventy-five cents. DEAN: Great.
Here's a copy of Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet...
which I already have, but in hardback.
This is a paperback. It fits perfectly in a coat pocket, and it's only $1.
- Opinions? - Get it.
- You look bored. - I'm fine.
Sure you don't want to look? They have great stuff.
- I looked. - For five minutes.
No, I looked for 20 minutes, and then I stopped...
and you continued for another two hours.
It has not been that long.
- Sorry. - No big deal.
- Let's go. - Are you done?
- I've looked enough. - You're not done.
No, I'm fine, really. Let's go.
Rory, stop it. You want to keep looking. I know you.
No, I want to hang out with you.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
I'll just pay for these, and then we can go.
I thought we could go see The Lord of the Rings again.
- Okay. - What?
Nothing.
- I thought you loved it. - I do.
You said you wanted to see it 100 times.
Yes, and we're being very literal these days.
- We'll see something else. - Lord of the Rings is fine.
Can you help me with these?
- I'll give you 50 cents. - It's 65.
Fifty-five cents.
Kirk, it's for charity. There's no haggling.
No, there's always haggling. Sixty cents. That's my final offer.
- I'm sorry, I can't. - Fine.
Kirk, come on, cough up another nickel.
Forget it. It's the principle of the thing.
Wow. You made out like a bandit.
You've got great stuff this year.
Did you see the astronomy section over there?
Yeah.
- Didn't find anything? - Nope.
- Wait. I didn't see you look over there. - I did.
- Go look. - I told you, I'm done.
[Dean sighs]
- Where's your bracelet? - What?
You're not wearing your bracelet.
- Oh. - Where is it?
- I took it off. - Why?
Well, because I got this weird rash on my wrist.
- From the bracelet? - No, just a fluke thing.
Actually, I think my Spanish midterm gave it to me.
Oh.
But it's getting better. It's almost gone.
Good.
As soon as it's completely gone, that bracelet goes right back on.
So a...
- compromise. - What?
You go look at the astronomy section, we'll see Lord of the Rings.
On the way home, we'll rent Autumn in New York...
and mock it all afternoon.
- With full-on impressions? - Yes.
Deal.
Go. I'll wait here.
Smiling. Not at all bored.
- Sixty-two cents. - Get out of here, Kirk.
Damn!
[Banging]
Jess.
Hey, Jess.
Sorry. Too loud?
No, it's fine. It's just...
I got a ton of leftover Chinese food in the kitchen.
I thought you might like some lunch.
- No, thanks. - Okay.
Chinese sounds great.
Really?
- If you're sure you have enough. - There's plenty.
Rory and I decided to take on the chicken column last night.
Ambitious.
It's all out on the table, so come in when you're ready.
- I'm ready now. - Okay. Then I'll see you inside.
[Door opening and closing]
So um...
Basically, everything here is chicken.
You've got garlic chicken, Kung Pao chicken, Szechwan chicken...
chicken in brown sauce, which looks like the Szechwan chicken...
except it's got these red peppers, and if you eat them, you die.
- Plate? - I thought I'd...
Soap's on the counter.
So, when was the last time you had those gutters cleaned?
It's been a while.
Yeah, I found an "I like Ike" bumper sticker up there.
- Is it really bad? - It won't be by tomorrow.
I like hearing that.
- You guys aren't too hot on vegetables. - There's green pepper in the Kung Pao.
My mistake.
- So, are you a healthy eater like Luke? - No.
No one's a healthy eater like Luke.
Euell Gibbons wasn't a healthy eater like Luke.
It's been ages since I heard a good Euell Gibbons reference.
- Many parts of the pine tree are edible. - That's right.
I wonder what the research process was like to get that information.
- I'd say fairly painful. - Here.
- How's school? - It's still there.
You on any teams or anything?
No, no.
- Not a jersey guy? - Definitely not a jersey guy.
Though the thought of throwing a ball at some jock's head...
isn't entirely unappealing.
Look, I'm not really good at this small-talk thing.
You're doing okay.
- Cold egg roll? - Why not?
- Bad? - Oh, yeah.
RORY: Mom! LORELAI: Here, right here. What?
RORY: Mom!
What's going on?
- I don't know where it is. - Where what is?
My bracelet. It's gone.
What are you talking about?
How could I lose that bracelet?
Tell me which bracelet. Maybe I stole it from you.
Dean's bracelet.
- The one he made you? - Yes.
- It's gone? - Yes.
- Where? - I don't know where.
If I knew where, I would have it.
When did you first notice it was gone?
When he pointed out that I wasn't wearing it.
Not good. What did you say?
That I had a rash and had to take it off until it healed.
- Nice save, Gretzky. - It's not here. It's not here. God.
Let's retrace your steps.
When was the last time you remember wearing it?
- I don't know. - Think hard. Yesterday?
- I don't know. - The day before?
- The day before that? - Yeah.
- Really? - No. I don't remember. I can't remember.
Help me move the couch.
What about your locker at school?
I don't know why it would be there.
I never take it off at school. I never take it off at all.
- Anything? - Just Grandma's pen.
Leave it there. It makes life fun.
- I'm gonna freak out now. - We'll find it.
- I'll have to tell Dean that I lost it. - Let's not go there yet.
- He made it for me. - He'll make another one.
- He's gonna be mad. - He'll understand.
How do you know?
Looking at the track record, all signs point to he'll understand.
- Did you look in your room? - No.
I'll check the car, and don't worry.
If worse comes to worse and we can't find it...
we'll follow Dean to work...
hide behind the cantaloupes, jump him, blind him...
and he'll never find out.
RORY: As long as we have a plan.
Who is Randy Meenge?
LORELAI: Let me see. Maintenance.
Are you going to be down there long?
LORELAI: I just want to make sure Rory's bracelet...
didn't get kicked behind something.
And so earlier when you asked me to look for the bracelet...
and I told you I did look, and I did not find it, you...
LORELAI: Just double-checking.
Yes, though another theory is that you did not believe me.
LORELAI: I did, too.
No. I believe you thought I was lying...
that I did not actually get down on my hands and knees...
in a brand-new Donna Karan suit, and crawl around on a floor...
where people who have stepped in mud and garbage and animal waste...
have been traipsing all day long.
- It's not there. - No? Why, I'm shocked.
Okay. I'm sorry I doubted you, Michel.
That means a lot. Thank you.
We turned the house upside down. Rory's having a heart attack. It's awful.
As soon as my dry-cleaning bill is paid, you will have my sympathies.
I will pay for your suit, Michel.
[Phone rings]
Independence Inn, Michel speaking.
Hold on, please. It's for you.
Lorelai here.
- I don't want a wood-burning fireplace... - Luke?
But if I take an apartment with one...
even though I could give a rat's ass about it...
I have to pay an extra $200 a month for it.
Yeah but...
Three of the places make you put down a $500 deposit...
if you have a dog! Can you believe it?
- You don't have a dog. - I know, but it's wrong.
- Agreed. What else? - Parking!
How can people ask you for a monthly fee for a parking space?
They're making money off your rent, off your utilities...
when you use their coin-operated washer and dryer.
That's cash directly in their pocket...
and by the way, it's not even that good a parking space.
It's out in the open under one of those trees...
that drops the sap on your car that eats away your paint.
- Luke. - Who's gonna pay for my car?
Where's my $500 paint-killing, tree-sap deposit?
You haven't found a place yet?
And I've been looking all day.
- There wasn't one place you liked? - No.
Not one place that gave you a little feeling of:
"That has a nice vibe about it."
I don't use the word "vibe."
Luke.
Maybe one place wasn't so bad.
Good! Describe it to me.
I don't know. It had walls with a kind of a floor with a light.
Okay. Hold on here, mister. If you tell me it's got a roof...
I'm stealing that baby from you.
I just can't tell anymore. I need a second opinion.
Want me to look at your apartment?
- It's not my apartment, and yes. - Done.
- Now. - What?
- Please. - Well.
I promised the woman I'd give her an answer today.
Okay, give me the address.
62½, B Street, and that's another thing...
what's with this "half" business?
Why do all these apartments have this "half" thing going?
It's stupid. If 62 is taken, move on to 63.
Luke, I'll meet you in 20-and-a-half minutes.
- Thank you. - Bye.
Michel, I have to go out for a little while. Cover the desk for me.
What?
I'll say I'll cover the desk...
but how will you know if I'm actually doing it?
I trust you, Michel.
I mean, it's just as possible I say I'll cover the desk...
and the moment you stepped away...
I'll put some fruit on my head and join a conga line somewhere.
I believe you looked for the bracelet.
And while I am shaking it to the Miami Sound Machine...
the phones here, they would ring and ring, and no one to answer, no one to assist.
Okay. Bye.
It's a very quiet street...
and the owner keeps the building up beautifully.
He hasn't remodeled it at all.
Plus, I bet he could be persuaded to give the floor a little spruce if you like.
- We'd like a spruce. - Spruce is unnecessary.
Never turn down a spruce.
- She's right. Listen to her. - Yeah, listen to me.
- You rarely give me a choice. - Come here so I can lick your face.
I went over the square footage and the details of the lease...
with your husband this morning. Did he fill you in?
- What? No... - He didn't, but you know how men are.
The minute that ball game comes on...
all the realities of life just go right out the window.
Don't I know it.
I could answer the door wrapped in cellophane...
but unless I was wearing a Yankees cap, he wouldn't even notice.
Don't be embarrassed, Snuffy. I'm just teasing.
It'd be a Mets cap.
Mary, could you possibly leave me and little missus alone...
for just a minute?
- Why, of course. - I promise we won't do anything dirty.
If my husband and I looked anything like the two of you...
we'd never get dressed.
You are bad.
Let me leave this rental agreement with you...
in case you decide to fill it out.
Thanks.
I hope you take it.
It's got a great vibe for a nice couple like you two.
[Mary laughs]
- Thirteen different shades of red. - What is wrong with you?
- You make it too easy. - By standing here?
Relax, Snuffy. What do you think?
She used the word "vibe."
- About the apartment? - I don't know.
Break it down. List your concerns.
- It's too big. - It's not too big. Next.
- I don't need two bathrooms. - Yes, you do. Next.
- I like being on the bottom floor. - Top floor's quieter. Next.
You know, I think this would be easier if you listed your concerns first.
Okay.
- I don't have any. It's great. - You do?
Yeah, it's light and airy, it's got good windows...
but not too many so that the sun bakes you in the afternoon.
Thank you.
Your close to work, the price seems good...
you're taking the spruce, and it's a two-year lease.
- I don't know. - Luke, you need to do this.
You and Jess will kill each other in your place of yours.
But who knows how long he's gonna be here?
- Why? Did something happen? - No, but you never know.
I think his mom sending his stuff is a pretty good sign.
Even if he does stay, it'll only be for another year...
and then he'll go off to college or Attica, and it'll just be me again.
I'll be stuck in a new apartment, probably with neighbors I hate...
who are constantly cooking really strong-smelling food.
Okay. Back up here.
Yes, Jess may go off somewhere someday...
but that doesn't mean you will be alone forever.
- I am not getting a pet. - I'm talking about a lady friend.
- A red-hot mama. - Okay.
Big, pretty dish of loving with a spoon made especially for you.
Boy, do I not feel good now.
Luke, Rachel's not the only woman in the world for you.
You'll meet someone someday, probably at a Timberland store.
You'll ask her out, you'll pick her up...
take her on a patented "Luke Danes night of romance."
Juice bar, followed by the batting cages...
and then you'll ask her back to your apartment.
Any amount of money if you stop right now.
You'll bring her back to your place, lead her upstairs to the apartment door.
You pause, gaze into her eyes.
The stage is set. Fate is waiting.
You open the door, and she sees your teeny, tiny apartment...
one room and no closet space, and Jess' feet sticking up in the air...
- 'cause you never got rid of the body... - Stop, please.
And, to make matters worse, she spots it...
the single bed!
What's wrong with a single bed?
- You know what they say. - No. What?
Never, ever date a guy who owns a single bed.
- It means he's not open to commitment. - What?
It says, "There's no room in this life for anybody but me."
It says, "No room in this bed for anyone but me."
- That's not much better. - This discussion is now over.
Luke, as long as you're in that apartment, you'll have a single bed.
Don't you want the possibility of more?
Come on, Luke, it's time. Make a move, take a shot.
Entertain the possibility of a non-Unabomber existence.
What do you say?
- You got a pen? - Of course.
- I'm not taking the spruce. - Yes, you are.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Did you get lost? - No, I was looking at Rory's books.
I wanted to see if she had Franny and Zooey. She does.
- Okay. - I was gonna get it for her if she didn't.
- That's very nice of you. - Yeah.
Okay. I should probably get back to work.
Mm-hmm.
[Door closes]
Luke! Good.
I was on my way to the diner to talk to you.
Go on over. I'll meet you there.
Stop it. This isn't gonna make you mad.
I just have a couple of questions about your application.
- I called your bank. - What application?
Your application for the apartment. Now you have two accounts...
- How did you get my application? - Mary gave it to me, of course.
I'm assuming one of the accounts...
Why would Mary give you my application?
Because I own the building.
When did you buy an apartment building?
I bought this one about two months ago.
I look at a thousand apartments, I choose yours. How?
Count yourself lucky.
With me as the owner, there is a level of quality control...
that is sorely lacking in this town.
For example, at all my properties...
we measure the grass before, during, and after mowing...
to attain a perfect 1 .5-inch height...
which is pleasing to the eye and good for the grass.
All of your properties?
- Ten in all. - Ten properties?
What, are you buying up the town?
Not yet, but someday, who knows?
Why isn't anyone stopping you?
Because, my friend, people are lazy...
they don't want to think about the proper fabric for an awning...
or the correct historical color for a building.
They just slap any old thing up on a wall and sleep like babies.
But soon, hopefully, the city council will put an end to that.
You can't tell people what color to paint their buildings.
Someone has to.
No, they don't. We don't live in a fascist country.
This isn't about the fascists, who, by the way...
had their faults, but their parks were spotless.
I have to get out of here.
Wait a minute.
Luke, hold it! I still need to talk to you.
Just tear up the application, Taylor. I'm not moving.
- What? Why? - 'Cause I'm a 2-inch-grass kind of guy.
That's too bad. I need to talk to you about something else.
- What? - I'm thinking of purchasing...
the flower shop next to the diner...
but we need to talk about that sign of yours.
What about my sign?
You have a diner, but you never took down the "Williams Hardware" sign.
That was my father's sign.
I understand that you have a sentimental attachment...
to the sign, but it confuses the tourists.
Back off the sign, Taylor.
If I buy the building next to that sign, I run the risk of people being so busy...
trying to figure out if you sell hammers or burgers...
that they never notice the nice collectible-plate store next door.
- Collectible plates? - Isn't that a great idea?
Elvis, The Beatles, Mary Poppins. All the greats!
You can hang them on the wall, or buy a little stand and set them up...
You need to get away from me now. At least a good arm-swinging length away.
It's people like you who keep this town...
from becoming one of the great towns in America!
Arm-swinging length!
I wouldn't have approved your application anyway.
- You look good. - I'm fine.
Talk.
- I lost my bracelet. - Uh-huh.
- Dean gave it to me. - How thoughtful.
I've been all over town looking for it.
I've been to Lane's, I've been to Luke's...
I've been to the bus stop, I've been to Miss Patty's...
and I've circled Stars Hollow twice, and nothing.
I have no idea what I'm going to do.
- It's really that big a deal? - What do you mean?
I know it's got an "I've been pinned, Bye Bye Birdie"...
kind of implication to it, but it was just a bracelet.
I don't think Dean will see it that way.
You didn't lose it on purpose.
I know, but things have been a little weird between us lately...
and you couldn't care less.
Yes, I could.
I just think Dean will read something into this.
- Should he? - No.
I think you should keep looking.
- Where? - Anywhere.
Things you lose are usually right in front of your face.
- Check the house again. - I've checked the house.
It's probably laying in your room somewhere.
I tore that room apart. It's not there.
Fine. Give up. No biggie. Dean will just have to get over it.
I'll go look again.
You do that.
Where have you been?
Scouring the town.
- Nothing, huh? - Not yet.
I'm gonna check my room again.
Haven't you already looked in there 1,000 times?
RORY: A thousand and one.
Mom, come here, hurry.
Rory? Are you okay?
- I found it! - What?
I looked under the bed, and there it was.
I thought I had looked under the bed...
but I don't know, maybe I was too panicked.
I don't know. Who cares? I got it.
- That is amazing! - Put it on. Make it tight.
I'm cutting off circulation here, baby.
Look at it. It looks even better than before, doesn't it.
I think the time away from home did it good.
- When I return, we celebrate. - Where you going?
To tell Lane she can stop praying.
- Leaving? - Yeah, all done.
You weren't gonna come get your money?
I figured I'd get it eventually.
It's not like I don't know where you guys live.
That's true. You certainly do know where we live.
Here.
After all, you earned it.
Thanks.
You took it, didn't you?
Excuse me?
Rory's bracelet. You had it the whole time.
No idea what you're talking about.
- How'd you get it? - I didn't get anything.
Did you break into our house?
You dressed in black, and pulled a Mission: Impossible?
I came down the chimney and pulled a Santa Claus.
Very funny.
A ridiculous accusation deserved such a response.
It's just a coincidence I catch you coming out of Rory's room...
a half an hour before she mysteriously finds the bracelet under her bed?
- Guess so. - Why would you do this?
I gotta go.
I know you hate the world, but I thought you liked Rory.
- I didn't do anything. - Bull.
Whatever.
Don't "whatever" me, you little jerk.
You let Rory run around completely panicked...
thinking she lost the bracelet. She was miserable. Understand?
I didn't take it.
I'm sure you're jealous of Dean because he's great...
and Rory's madly in love with him.
But you taking the bracelet didn't hurt Dean, it hurt Rory.
That bracelet is the most precious thing she owns.
She never takes it off. It means everything to her.
And you stealing it was unbelievably cruel.
- The most precious thing she owns? - Yes!
If it's the most precious thing she owns...
why did it take her two weeks to figure out it was gone, huh?
You might want to reevaluate how madly in love she is.
I wouldn't call him "son" yet.
- Get out of here. - You read my mind.
[Knocking at the door]
I just spent $100,000, and it's all your fault!
Good.
I ran into Taylor at the market.
I found out he owns the building that apartment was in.
No way.
- That and several others in town. - So weird.
He's systematically buying up the town.
He'll turn it into Taylorville, where everyone wears cardigans...
- and have the same grass height. - Do you want to sit?
Then he said he'll buy the building next to the diner...
turn it into a plate shop...
for freaks who don't have the brainpower to collect stamps!
- I lost it! - I can't picture it.
I walked around in a blind rage. I was crazy.
I bought a Belgian waffle with ice cream dipped in chocolate.
- You ate that? - No, I didn't eat it.
- I'm upset, not suicidal. - Right.
I had to do something. I had your voice going round in my head.
It's like the Small World song.
"Take a chance, Luke. Make a move. Can't have a single bed."
So I bought the building!
You what?
Went to the bank, got a cashier's check...
signed the papers, and I bought the building.
- Wow. - I am the building's owner.
- I heard. - I own the building.
Okay, don't worry, you can still get out of it.
You can tell them you lost your mind.
- Or I bet you could sell it to Taylor. - Yeah.
Relax. You can still get out of this...
- Okay. - Unless you don't want to get out of this.
No, I want to get out of this. Why would I not want to get out of this?
Owning that building gives you some options.
Like?
Like you could expand Luke's...
- if you wanted to. - Yeah.
- Or you could rent it to someone else. - Yeah.
Someone else who might drive Taylor crazy.
I should think about this.
- Sure, sleep on it. - Sleep on it. Right, right.
- Do you want some tea? - Tea's good. Sure. Yeah.
Hey, Luke...
does Jess ever talk to you about Rory?
What do you mean?
They seem to be thrown together quite a lot lately.
I was just trying to figure out if that's a coincidence...
Or if there's something going on?
- Yeah. - I don't know.
- Jess doesn't exactly confide in me. - Right.
Of course, if there was something on, I think it'd be great.
You do?
Yeah! Rory's a great kid. She'd be really good for Jess.
Yeah, she would.
You think there may be something going on?
I don't know.
Boy, that would be great.
Yeah. Great.
[Blaring rock music]
That's your room. Finish up.
We'll hold hands and skip afterwards.