Everyone's awfully quiet tonight.
- Sorry, Mom, I'm just tired. - Me, too.
- School. - Work.
- Life. - Dig it, man.
- Peace out, Humphrey. - Mystery.
This is ridiculous. Three intelligent women sitting here in complete silence.
There must be something to talk about.
Do you know that every night at dinner...
the Kennedy clan would sit around the table having lively debates...
about everything under the sun?
They would quiz each other about current events...
historical facts, and intellectual trivia.
The Gilmore clan is just as smart and worldly as the Kennedys.
So, come on, somebody say something.
Do you know that a butt model makes $10,000 a day?
Camelot is truly dead.
- Emily. - In here. Just follow the crickets.
I am sorry I'm late, but I come bearing wonderful news.
Siri, bring Mr. Gilmore a plate.
I just got off the phone.
- Would you like to change first? - No, I'm fine.
Siri, Mr. Gilmore's hungry.
I'm perfectly capable of putting a napkin on my lap.
All right, I'm sorry.
- You were on the phone. - Long distance.
- God? - London.
- God lives in London? - My mom lives in London.
Your mother is God? So, God is a woman.
And a relative. That's so cool. I'm gonna ask for favors.
- Make her stop. - Oh, that I could.
- You spoke with your mother. - Yes. She's fine and sends her love...
- and she's coming to visit. - What?
- You're kidding. - When?
- I'm gonna get to meet my great-grandma? - Lorelai I.
- I was named after her. - I figured.
- Richard, when? - You'll love her. My mother's brilliant.
- We share that also. - I'm asking a question here.
Does no one hear me? Am I suddenly invisible?
I'm sorry. What was the question?
- When is your mother arriving? - A week from today.
- Rory, I tell you, it'll be such a treat. - Excuse me.
I still can't get over that I'm related to God.
It's going to make getting Madonna tickets so much easier.
Mom.
It's just like that woman, no warnings, no discussion...
then out of the blue, 'I'm coming next week. '
- What are you doing? - I have to unpack all these things.
What things? Excuse me, boys.
I have to get out everything she has ever given us.
Thirty-five years' worth of fish lamps and dog statues, lion tables...
and stupid naked angels with their butts!
Stupid naked angel butts? What, did David Mamet just stop by?
- Leave, please. - Mom, calm down.
I can't calm down! That lampshade is missing, and the china is cracked.
I can't remember which table she gave us for our 10-year anniversary.
Mother, Grandma is a very old woman.
I doubt she'll remember everything she ever bought you.
She'll remember down to the last shrimp fork. You know why?
- No. Do you know why? - She doesn't just give you a present.
She gives you one, then tells you where to put it...
how to use it, what it costs, for insurance purposes.
God forbid if you have a different opinion or don't think it works in the space.
Or you get tired of waking up every day with those animals staring at you!
- She's just upset. - Stop talking to the dogs!
You're freaking out. I've never seen you freak out before.
Yes, you have. You were 12. It was the last time that woman visited.
- Do you want some help? - No.
Please.
- Where's it going? - Third floor.
- How about the second floor? - Third floor.
The first floor, on a ladder?
- So tell me more about her. - I don't really know that much.
You know more than I do.
Let's see. She moved to London when Grandpa died.
But she didn't like to travel.
So once a year Mom and Dad would go to visit her...
usually leaving me behind, much to my relief, by the way.
That's it. The rest I know from stories, just like you.
Grandpa says I remind him of her.
That is the biggest compliment that can be wrenched out of Grumpy McFarlane.
- I hope she likes me. - She'll love you.
- I hope she and Grandma get along. - She'll love you.
I think the basic structure of the Elizabethan government is sound.
The division of power between the Monarchy, Privy Council...
and the Parliament all seem to work. Agreed?
- Agreed. - Ditto.
Okay, so in establishing our own government...
I think duplicating a similar structure would be good...
with a few alterations. Queen Elizabeth chose to remain unwed.
She took on the burden of leadership...
at a time when marrying the Prince of France or the King of Spain...
would've solidified her throne while expanding her empire.
Though it worked for her...
and the concept of a woman ruling without man is politically correct...
I think we need to take a different tact.
She does know this is a make-believe government?
You ask her, I'm afraid.
In addition to the members of the political branches...
we'll also need a king and queen.
Rory, Tristan, what about you?
Us? No.
- Yes, no. - Why?
- Because... - I just don't want to be queen.
Me neither.
King. I don't want to be king.
What about you? You be queen.
I'll be the head of parliament. I can't be queen.
- Be both. - I can't be both.
Why not? It's our government.
- It's not done that way. - It can be though, let's vote.
Henry VllI started a new church when the old one didn't allow divorce.
He also cut his wife's head. Is he still your role model?
I'm just saying we have the opportunity to make any kind of government we want.
- Why won't you be queen? - I'll be queen.
- There, make Madeline queen. - Fine. You're queen, Tristan's king.
I'll be the lady in waiting...
the one with that low-cut, blue-velvet Renaissance dress.
Lady in waiting is not a political office.
No, but they get all the sex.
- What? - Watch a movie.
We are talking about government class. Not the movies.
Why can't I get one person to care about this as much as I do?
Okay, fine. I'll be the head of the quarter sessions court...
but I'm still wearing the dress. Happy?
Out of my mind.
Okay. I secured us the classroom to work tomorrow and Sunday...
so that by Monday, we'll be ready.
- We're working all weekend? - You're kidding.
Take this. It's an outline for the overall system.
Point of methods, basic laws and penalties, plus some random ideas.
Please be ready to discuss it tomorrow, 9:00 in the morning. Don't be late.
She designed the flag.
- Question? - Okay.
- What's up with you and Tristan? - What do you mean?
- You seem weird around each other. - No weirder than usual.
- I disagree. - You usually do.
I think it's strange that you didn't want to be queen.
You know, not all girls want to be queen, Paris.
- Even Barbie ended up being a stewardess. - Okay, if you say so.
Read my manifesto. I want your thoughts.
First thought: Lose the word 'manifesto. '
- Too cabin-in-the-woods? - Don't open your mail.
- Right. How about 'doctrine'? - Better.
- Okay. See you tomorrow. - Bye.
- You left this. - Oh, yeah, I did. Thanks.
Sure.
That could have been a potential Marx brothers moment.
- You go first. - Okay.
- I think we need to talk. - About what?
- Tristan, you know about what. - No, I don't.
Look, we have a lot of work ahead of us.
We also have two and a half years of being in the same school.
I don't want things to be weird between us.
Don't you think it would be good to at least try to talk about this?
- Okay. - Good.
- I'm gonna go first. - Right.
- It's still not working. - You did something wrong.
No. I did the same thing I always do when I pull up reservations...
for the upcoming month, but nothing happened.
- You typed in the name? - Yes.
- You clicked on the April file? - Yes.
- You double-clicked on 'Confirmation'? - I double-clicked.
- Are you sure? - Yes. I double-clicked.
- You clicked twice? - No, I didn't click twice.
To successfully double-click, you must click twice.
I know what double-click is.
You don't, or we wouldn't be having this conversation.
I'm gonna pinch you so hard now.
I don't know what you have done.
I can't fix it if you don't move.
I double-clicked.
- What's that? - What?
- That red thing with an 'X.' - I do not know.
It happened when you pushed something funky.
I push nothing funky.
You have the funk, my friend.
- Independence Inn. - I need the hatrack.
- The fish flies at night. - What?
- I don't know. Who is this? - Your mother.
Hi, Mom, I didn't recognize your voice.
- I need the hatrack back. - What hatrack?
- The hatrack I gave you. - What hatrack?
The hatrack I gave you for Christmas five years ago.
Well...
It's large, bronze with dragons or weasels, I don't know.
Some sort of lizard-type animal you hang your coats on.
- Yes, I remember it. - Thank God. I need it back.
You need a Christmas present back?
- Temporarily. - Why, Mom?
Because Richard's mother gave it to us, and she'll notice if it's not there.
You gave me a used present?
No, we never used it.
- I can't believe it. - You'll get it back.
You gave me a secondhand present, like something you got at the junk store.
You're being dramatic. It was still in the crate.
You actually went, 'What should I get Lorelai this year?
'You know what? I can't be bothered.
'Let's give her something we don't want. '
- You're not funny. - What would Miss Manners say to this?
If she met your grandma, she'd understand.
Now, please. Bring the rack with you when you come tonight. Okay?
- Okay, sure. - Thank you.
You're welcome. Bye.
- So, we're supposed to talk. - Yeah. Look, about the other night...
- I was upset over Summer. - Yes, and I was upset over Dean.
So, then it doesn't mean anything, right?
Right.
So then, that's it. We just chalk it up to a bad night.
Okay.
I'm sorry I cried.
- No problem. - I swear it had nothing to do with the kiss.
I kissed you, you cried. It had something to do with the kiss.
I cried because I was confused, and because I hadn't cried.
I didn't cry because of the kiss.
It was a nice kiss.
- Yeah? - Very nice.
- Not at all crying material. - Really?
- Absolutely. - Want to try it again?
I think someone is recovering from their heartbreak just fine.
Yeah, I'm all better.
I think I'm gonna swear off girls for a while.
- What? - Sorry, nothing.
You said you were going to swear off girls. It's funny.
- You don't think I can? - No. I think you can.
I just think it would be hard for you.
It'd probably involve some kind of lockup facility...
and one of those Hannibal Lecter masks.
Okay, yes, it would be hard, but not impossible.
Maybe it's not so much swearing off all girls.
- But swearing off a certain kind of girl. - Meaning?
Meaning next time you should pick a girl with a little more substance.
You know, a girl who's smart, is driven and has ambition.
You know, like Paris.
- Are you serious? - Yeah, why not?
Paris is smart and cute and interesting.
She does bring her own unique set of baggage into the mix.
A matching set.
But she likes you. She's crazy about you. She thinks you're amazing.
- You want me to date Paris? - Just think about it.
Me and Paris.
'Louis, I think this is the beginning of a wonderful friendship. '
- Who's Louis? - Just think.
- Come on, let's go! - Relax. I'm almost ready.
- We're gonna be late. - No, we're not.
It's Friday night. The traffic's bad on Friday night.
- Since when? - Since the beginning of time.
Let me do it.
- What's up with you? - Nothing.
You've been ready and bugging me for almost an hour.
Usually I have to drag you kicking and screaming to go to dinner.
- You whine, complain and act like a child. - I do not.
I had to pay you $5 once so you wouldn't go in sweats.
Make your point and make it fast as we move quickly to the front door.
- My point is that you're mean. - I'm not mean.
You want to go to dinner to see Grandma uncomfortable. That's mean.
Okay, look.
I will admit I work very hard...
and sometimes I am a little tired come Friday night...
for the Gilmore family dinner. But I had a light day today...
and my grandmother, who I haven't seen in years, will be there.
It has nothing to do with Grandma hating Great-grandma?
- Not at all. - When you see Grandma miserable...
and uncomfortable, you'll be sympathetic?
- Not at all. - Mean.
- I'm kidding. - I want you to be nice.
- I will be nice. - No outward reveling in someone's pain.
- I promise. - Internal reveling only.
- Okay. Then we can go. - Okay. Good.
Wait.
So the internal reveling can continue for years to come.
Mean.
God, this thing weighs like 1,000 pounds.
I know. Here, put it down.
What are we doing?
- In case Gran comes to the door. - Good thinking.
I mean, she's 80. The eyes have got to be gone, right?
- Let's just try to keep her inside the house. - Good thinking.
- Do you have it? - We got it.
Hurry up. Bring it in here.
Okay, quiet. Be quiet.
Mom, thanks for the direction and all, but we need some help.
- Careful, honey. - Watch it. Watch your head.
Get it over there. Okay. Yes.
I think that was... It was maybe a little more on the left.
I should've put tape down.
You don't think the coatrack could've moved...
a quarter of an inch in five years?
Yeah, you're right. That's it. Okay, put your coats on it.
How'd you get her in here without her noticing it wasn't there?
I brought her in through the back and had Stella wax the floors.
She napped, so that took about an hour.
- Where is she now? - In the living room...
scratching the diamond pendant I bought her against a mirror.
- So we shouldn't keep her waiting? - No, you're right, we shouldn't.
Heaven help me.
Stop.
- Mom, look who's here. - Who?
Well, look.
If I wanted to look, I would look. I haven't looked.
Therefore, you must draw your own conclusions.
- Thank you, dear boy. - You're welcome, Trix.
- Trix? - Dad's pet name for Gran.
Isn't it just darling?
- Hi, Gran. - Lorelai.
Yes. It's so good to see you again.
Trix, this is Rory. You haven't met her yet.
No, I don't believe I have.
- Hello. - Come.
I want to get a very good look at both of you.
- They're tall. - Yes, they are.
- How's your health? - Good.
Very healthy.
Good, that means the majority of your blood is Gilmore blood.
- Gilmores don't get sick. Am I right? - We wouldn't dare, Trix.
That's right. Your mother is always sick.
- I am hardly always sick. - You're sick right now.
- Are you sick now? - Headache.
Gilmore's don't have headaches. Our heads are perfect.
You don't drink.
- Emily, get this woman a drink. - I'll do it.
Thanks, Dad. White wine.
I'm going to get the hors d'oeuvres.
So, you're Rory.
- Yes, ma'am. - My son speaks of you constantly.
He seems very fond of you.
I'm very fond of him, too.
This little girl is as smart as a whip. I think she has a great deal of you in her.
Really? How nice.
- Is this cheese? - Yes, it is.
Am I supposed to eat that cheese?
Only if you like.
Where are those spiced nuts that Trix likes?
I'll get some.
So, Lorelai, since I've seen you last, you've grown up...
gotten pregnant out of wedlock...
raised a child, and still haven't bothered to get married.
Have I left anything out?
Some time in between growing up and getting pregnant...
I got my ears pierced.
I've always hated scandal.
However, I've always appreciated self-sufficiency.
Tell me, how do you support this child?
I run an inn.
- Hard work? - Yes, it is.
Good. Hard work is good for a woman. Makes her stronger.
I admire people who enjoy hard work.
- Here we go. Spiced nuts. - Thank you, Emily.
I suppose I could just put these nuts in my hand.
I'll be right back.
So, Gran, when was the last time I saw you?
You were still in your teens, wild hair flying everywhere.
I see you've taken care of that.
Yes, I joined a support group, bought a brush...
and just taking it one day at a time.
- That was a joke? - Yes, it is.
- Very good. - Thank you.
- I have dishes and napkins. - Good for you.
Richard, I would like to be escorted into the dining room now.
Your wish is my command.
I'm not sure that dinner's ready just yet.
Perhaps our presence in the dining room will teach your help...
that when one is told dinner is at 7:00, people often expect dinner at 7:00.
- But it's only 7:05, Mom. - Only 7:05?
In the event that I'm kidnapped...
and ransom is demanded at a certain time...
I would prefer that Emily not be in charge of the drop-off.
Grandma, this dinner's delicious.
Very good, young lady. We all believed you.
Now, let's talk about your education.
- Where are you attending school? - Chilton.
- Rory is in the top 10% of her class. - We're very proud of our Rory.
She's going to Harvard.
- Harvard? - Yes, ma'am.
Richard, how can you allow this girl to go to Harvard?
- Now, Trix... - You and your father were Yale men.
We want Rory to be whatever kind of man she wants to be.
- That's enough jokes for this evening. - Sorry.
Now, if you don't mind my asking.
Chilton is rather an expensive institution.
I'm curious how the manager of an inn can afford such luxury?
We're helping Lorelai out a little.
Yes, we've seen to it that Rory's education is taken care of.
But it's temporary. It's a loan.
I plan to pay them back every cent. They know this.
That's it. I'm done. Richard.
Tomorrow, Rory, I shall plan the menu.
When you've lived in Europe, you learn a thing or two about food.
I can't. I'm studying tomorrow.
I'm in this study group and our presentation is due on Monday.
Very well, your mother can tell you all about it.
I will. I promise.
Won't you have dessert?
I once traveled to a small village in Cambodia.
I did not eat dessert there, either.
What time is it?
It's almost 9:00.
Maybe I'll own a magazine some day. Then I'll get all my nail polish free.
I'm going back to sleep.
- Tell Paris I hate her. - Okay.
- Hi. - Hey, Paris. Louise hates you.
You'll thank me when you get into Sarah Lawrence.
- Wanna bet? - Hey.
- Did you bring coffee? - And doughnuts in the shape of clowns.
- They've got hats. - A clown just isn't a clown without a hat.
- Here is your decaf with soy milk. - Thanks.
You're welcome. So I read your doctrine...
and I think our imaginary kingdom is off to a good start.
- Yeah? - Yeah. The taxes are a little high...
and the landowner's power should be regulated more.
It was a different time then.
But the fundamental human needs were the same.
- We're supposed to set it up within... - Ding, ding.
No debating until I've had coffee.
And a clown?
- Ladies. - Hi, Tristan.
- Paris, can I talk to you for a second? - Sure. Okay.
And that is about what, pray tell?
- I don't know. The project maybe? - They could have talked project here.
It's something else, something private.
- Scandal. - Maybe, though it is Paris.
- Scandal lite. - All the taste, but fewer calories.
We could spy.
We could wait for her to come back to see if she wants us to know.
Those who wait for information to find them...
spend a lot of time sitting by the phone.
Those who find it themselves have something to say when it rings.
- Nietzsche? - Dawson.
My next guess.
- What was with the confab in the hallway? - We're dying here.
Well, Tristan asked me out.
- No! - My, my, my.
This is amazing. God, I'm jealous.
Details. Don't leave out anything.
We want every comma, apostrophe, and ampersand.
He just asked me out.
- When? - Tonight.
- What? - Nothing.
- No, you 'hmmed. ' Why did you 'hmm'? - Forget it.
Louise, tell me why.
- He asked you out for tonight. - Less than 24 hours' notice.
- So? What does that mean? - Usually that someone else canceled.
Or maybe he just got up the nerve to ask her out.
- Maybe. - This is so amazing.
- You are so far from Tristan's type. - So far.
Tristan usually likes his girls bad.
We'll have to do a Pink Ladies makeover on you.
We'll turn you from a sweet Sandy into a slutty Sandy...
dancing at the school fair in high heels, black spandex, and permed hair.
- You can borrow my water bra. - Excuse me?
It's like a padded bra, but it's filled with some sort of liquid so it moves.
- It moves? - Yes.
- On its own? - It makes you look natural.
Great. Thanks, but I'll pass. Everybody, come on. Let's get to work.
I think you're gonna have a great time.
- Yeah, it's just a date, right? - Great.
Okay, focus, people.
Five-minute talking break while I change.
My day: Big leak, third floor, lots of things going squish...
that should not be squishing. Michel is no help.
I'm late for dinner which I'm bugged you're not coming to.
- Which one? Blue, black, bad, good? - Black.
- Okay. Are you sure you can't come? - Yeah, I'm sure.
If I'm not prepared tomorrow, Paris will send me to the Tower.
If things go well tonight, I bet it'll help tomorrow.
- Tonight? - She's going on a date with Tristan.
- How'd that happen? - Did some matchmaking.
How many times have I told you not to butt into other people's business?
- Never. - Good. Go on.
- That's all. - I want details tomorrow.
- How do I look? - Beautiful.
My five minutes are up. Let's go!
There is money on the kitchen table.
There's really good chocolate cake I defrosted for you this morning.
Call me if you need me. I'll be home early. What else?
- Don't be mean to Grandma. - Yeah, broken record.
- Okay, I'm gone. - Be good.
- Bye! - Bye.
- I don't know what to wear. - Ever?
On my date with Tristan. I'm not a trendy girl.
I don't haunt the boutiques hoping to find that fabulous little top.
I study, I think about studying, then I study some more.
- Wanna come in? - I only have one lipstick...
and it's barely even a color.
It looks like you're not wearing anything, which is why I liked it.
But to date, you need the fabulous top and a lipstick you can tell you're wearing.
You wanna put that stuff down?
You said if I needed to talk, I could come talk to you.
- Yes, I did. - Here I am.
- Can I ask you a question? - Okay.
Why didn't you go to Madeline or Louise? They'd get that 'fabulous top' thing.
That they get. The supportive 'you'll be fine...
'and not throw up on the way to his car'thing, that they don't get.
Okay. Let's see what you've got.
I brought everything in case there was hidden potential in something I didn't see.
- So? - You'd be one well-dressed widow.
- Forget it. I'm not going. - Yes, you are. Come on.
This is your entire wardrobe? Nothing's left at home?
Just my uniform and my bat mitzvah dress with menorahs on the collar.
Let's think.
- Come on. - Where are you going?
To our one-stop shopping store.
- This is your mother's room? - Yes, it is.
- I can't wear your mother's clothes. - You can. I do it all the time.
What about this?
My mother says pink makes my head look small.
Okay. No pink.
- This whole thing is insane. - Why?
Tristan asking me out. Why would he do that?
Why not?
He's gorgeous and experienced and only dates likely trophy wives.
He would be lucky to go out with someone like you.
He won't have to read the menu to you...
or explain that the dancing trash bins in the movie previews aren't real.
It's gonna be much less stressful.
All these years I've hoped this would happen...
and now it has, and I feel...
I don't know.
I don't have a lot of experience in the dating department.
You can't put it on your transcript, what's the point?
I know.
Before Dean, I'd never had a boyfriend. Or a kiss.
I never even thought about dating.
- Then you met Dean. - Yeah.
And he was so special and nice and made me completely nauseous.
- The best ones do. - I couldn't even talk around him.
I saw you at the dance. You didn't seem to have any trouble talking.
Or gazing annoyingly into each other's eyes.
But that was after we'd been dating a little.
After we started going out and spending time together...
it kind of got easier.
Then by the third date, everything was perfect.
Do you miss him a lot?
Yeah, a lot.
- Sorry. - Thanks.
But tonight is not about me.
Tonight is about you going out with Tristan in this outfit.
- What do you think? - It's okay.
- It's great. - Put it on.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, bathroom's down the hall.
I'll get you a lipstick with some actual color in it.
Paris, what are these cards that fell out of your jacket?
Those are notes for tonight.
- Notes? - Yeah, just some reference points.
Subjects to bring up in case the conversation lags.
Can I suggest that you leave this one about the Spanish Inquisition out?
- Not very romantic? - Not really.
Okay, I'm dressed.
- How's it look? - Bad.
I don't trust your opinion on that. Come out here, please.
Fine, but it looks bad.
- You look great! - I feel weird.
Weird works for you because you look amazing.
- Really? You're not just saying that? - I swear to God.
- Are you atheist? - Excuse me?
It affects the validity of your swearing to God.
You look great. I wouldn't say that if you didn't.
- Lf you think it looks okay... - The word 'amazing' was used.
- Then I'll wear it. Thanks. - Anytime.
- I have to go. - Lipstick.
You'll hold this evening over my head for the rest of my life?
- Probably. - Bye.
- What did you think about the rabbit? - I thought it was wonderful.
I brought it with me.
- Excuse me? - From London.
London has the best game.
- You brought it with you from London? - Yes.
- Did you get it a seat? - Dry ice.
- That's inventive. - It looks like we're finished here.
Let's retire to the living room for a brandy.
Lorelai, walk with me.
I have something that I want to discuss with you.
I've been thinking about something I heard.
What?
That you borrowed money from your parents for Rory's school.
If you're worried about them getting the money back...
Shakespeare once wrote, 'Neither a borrower nor a lender be. '
Do you consider Shakespeare a wise man?
Sure.
We certainly don't mind loaning Lorelai the money...
- if that's what you're worried about. - Certainly not.
Rory is first priority in this house.
I'm not concerned about whether you mind or not.
Loaning money is a dirty business.
It's distasteful, and I don't care for it.
As you know, I came into town...
to check up on the family investments and to talk with our lawyers.
I have some things to put in order...
and one of them is setting up a trust fund for Rory.
- That's amazing. Really? - Now, normally...
I would set up a fund so that she would have access to it when she turns 25.
However, considering the situation, if you like...
- I will arrange for her to get it now. - Now?
That way, she can use it to pay for Chilton.
Gran, I don't know what to say. That's so generous of you.
My mother is a very special woman, isn't she?
You talk about me like I'm dead.
You're never going to die. You're too stubborn.
Gran, this is...
I don't know what to say.
Nothing now would be preferable.
I have arranged for you and your mother and I to have tea tomorrow...
before I leave. Say it then.
Good night, Emily.
Good night.
I'll just walk Mother upstairs and be right back.
That was quite a bomb she just dropped.
It certainly was.
I guess I should be going. Thanks for dinner, Mom.
I'll see you tomorrow.
You're not considering accepting that money, are you?
- Of course I'm considering it. - I don't think that's wise.
- Why not? - Because she's a young girl.
She won't know the first thing about money.
I'll help her.
You don't know the first thing about money either.
But I'm familiar with the second thing.
Can't you see the pitfalls involved in accepting this money?
You brag about how special your relationship with Rory is.
I'm stunned that you want to jeopardize it.
- What are you talking about? - You know that money means freedom.
- And? - Lf Rory has that money...
she won't need you anymore.
I don't know, she's 16.
There's still some ways I may come in handy, buying beer and stuff.
I'm glad you think losing your daughter is funny.
She won't need you to pay for anything, she won't have to turn to you.
Everything in a relationship isn't about money.
- She'll move out as soon as she can. - So what?
She won't need your help for college or to buy a car.
Say goodbye to Dad for me as soon as the voices in your head subside.
Why should she wait to backpack across Europe with you?
She can afford to go herself, and she can take a friend or a boyfriend.
She wants to go with me.
Now she does. She doesn't have options.
- But the minute you give her options... - That's it.
You're nuts, and I'm going. In that order.
It's terrible not to be needed. You'll see.
- That is amazing! - I know.
One minute it's, 'Pass the pot roast. ' Then it's, 'Have a pile of money. '
Things are never boring at the Gilmore house.
What did Rory say?
- I haven't told her yet. - What?
- She was asleep. - For that much money, you wake her up.
You hire singing telegrams, women jump out of cakes.
People dress like bankers and dance with those toasters.
She's been working her butt off all week on this Chilton paper...
- so I let her sleep. I'll tell her tonight. - Call her now.
Or page her and have her call me...
and we can sing The Money Song from Cabaret. You be Liza, I'll be Joel.
- I don't know. - I'm Joel.
I don't wanna bother her at school.
I can never decide. Carnations: Tacky or retro?
- You don't wanna tell her. - Yeah, I do. I think.
I understand the hesitation.
- You do? - Absolutely.
Who wants to be the bearer of good news? That hugging and happiness, a nightmare.
I was thrilled when Gran told me about it and I was gonna tell Rory right away.
- But? - My mother cornered me by the door...
saying all this stuff about how when Rory gets the money...
she's not gonna need me, and she's gonna move out sooner.
- What? That's crazy. - I know, and yet...
Honey, come on. She's trying to mess with your mind, you know that.
- I do. - She doesn't wanna lose control of you.
She wants you permanently obligated to her.
- I know that. - Then what?
- Do you believe what she said? - I don't know.
You're right, she wants to mess with my mind...
and make me feel obligated.
But what if the money does change our relationship?
- Impossible. - Anything's possible.
- Come on. - I couldn't stand that.
I like things the way they are now.
- This is Rory we're talking about. - I know.
She's the most unmaterialistic kid in the world.
It's not about what she would buy.
I don't care if she buys a house, or a boat, or the Elephant Man's bones.
It's just that... You know, it's about the freedom.
If I had access to all that money as a kid...
I would've left the house so fast.
- Faster than 17? - No, I mean...
God, I know this is crazy. I have my mom's voice stuck in my head.
It's like that annoying Cranberries song. I hate that I let her get to me.
Then don't let her. Call Rory and tell her.
You'll see that nothing will be any different.
I don't want her to go to Europe without me. That's our thing.
She's not gonna go without you. I promise.
- No. I've got to go home. - Why? What are you doing?
I have to change and go to tea with Gran and the cast of Gaslight.
- I'll see you later. - Bye.
I can't talk to you when you're hysterical.
- You make me hysterical. - I am tired of fighting about this.
You have got to get her to take that offer back.
Richard Gilmore, I've put up with a lot from this woman.
Keep your voice down.
- But this time she's gone too far! - Please.
I can go louder!
If I do as you ask, I'll be insulting my mother.
- I will not do that. - You listen to me.
I don't care if she demeans me and looks down on me.
I don't care if she thinks I've tarnished the Gilmore name.
I don't care if she thinks I'm the Whore of Babylon.
I've long ago given up any hope of getting into her psychotic good graces.
But that woman is horrible and selfish. She cannot get away with this.
- I won't let her. - You're talking about my mother.
Yes. Your mother, the one who stepped in without being asked...
and single-handedly wrecked everything.
What is this about?
She'll never come back here.
- Who, Mother? Of course she will. - Lorelai.
What?
If she gets that money, Lorelai will never come back here.
She won't have to.
I've ordered a car. Women shouldn't drive.
- Are you ready? - Yes, I'm ready.
I shall die soon, you know.
Aren't we early? Trying to suck up to parliament?
- How'd it go last night? - It went.
- It went well? - He picked me up...
we went to dinner and a movie, I didn't use my notecards...
- and he kissed me good night. - Paris, I'm so glad.
It was a great kiss.
See? All that nervousness for nothing.
Yeah. God, this is so weird. I can't stop smiling.
Then it's the perfect time to talk about our overtaxed peasants.
- Let them eat cake. - Hey.
Don't look at me. I didn't kiss you.
- Hi. - Hey.
I wanted to tell you again that I had so much fun last night.
After five messages on my answering machine...
I kind of got that impression.
- Too much. Sorry. - No, forget it. It was cute.
Maybe we could do it again sometime.
A different movie, of course, but the same basic plan.
- Absolutely. - Great, because it was really fun.
It was fun, and we should do it again. I mean, as friends.
- Yeah, as friends. - You noticed it, too, right?
That we're more friends material than dating material?
Yes, I did notice. I have excellent deductive skills.
- But I'm glad we did it. - Sure.
When Rory first suggested us going out, I thought the idea was crazy.
But she made some good points. We do have a history...
- and you never know, right? - Yes. You never know.
So we're done here, right?
- Sure. - Great. Excuse me.
- What? - It was your idea?
So I get all your castoffs now? I'm just that pathetic?
'I don't want them. Maybe I can con the suckers...
'into taking out Paris the loser! Throw the dog a bone!'
- I am not your charity case! - No, it's not like that, I swear.
I just thought you guys would make a good couple.
We did, for one night. But we're more suited to being friends.
That's what was conveyed so humiliatingly to me five seconds ago.
- Paris, I'm sorry. - I hate you.
- You told her? - I didn't know it was a secret.
Why would you tell her? What is wrong with you?
Relax. We tried, it didn't work out. It's no big deal.
It's a huge deal to Paris, and one date is not trying.
You said you'd try.
I'm sorry if Paris is upset, okay?
But is it better that I keep dating her even though I like somebody else?
- Yeah. - I didn't realize.
So, you're still not over Summer?
Yeah, I'm not over Summer yet.
- Hi. - Hello.
Where's Gran?
Torturing the bathroom attendant, I suppose.
This place seems clean.
Yes, it's famous for its cleanliness.
What did Rory say when you told her? About the money, I mean.
- She must've been very excited. - Yes, she was.
'Rose tea. ' That's funny.
That's not really tea, is it? It's like rose petals in hot water.
More like a bad floral arrangement.
- What did Rory say? Fill me in. - She was happy.
Yeah. She screamed, she did that air lasso thing over her head.
Be serious.
She was asleep when I got home, so I couldn't tell her.
- She doesn't know? - No.
Something I said must've really struck a chord with you.
Excuse me?
You didn't tell her, so you must've had a reason.
She was asleep. I just told you that.
I think you must have reconsidered based on our conversation.
I didn't reconsider.
Yesterday, you could hardly wait to announce your great fortune to her.
Today, all you can talk about is rose petal tea.
Yes, it's a little weird.
You haven't told her that now she has her own money for school...
- and to go to Europe... - Stop. Right now.
This is just like you, to take something that's great...
and twist it into something ugly. Why? What is wrong with you?
There's nothing wrong.
There's something seriously wrong with you. You should be studied.
I don't understand why you're so upset. I respect your decision.
- I made no decision. - Whatever you say.
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna call her and tell her right now.
- No, you're not. - Yes, in fact, I am.
- What are you doing? - The reception sucks in here.
Stop it. You look like you're having a fit.
Okay, I'm gonna go find a payphone.
Your grandmother will be back any second. Just have a sandwich.
Have a sandwich?
- That's what you have to say to me? - What do you want me to say?
Say that you are sorry you tried to talk me out of taking this money...
that you realize you were being petty, controlling and mean...
and you know that no amount of money can change what Rory and I have.
- That's what I want you to say. Say that. - I will not.
Say it or I'm finding a payphone.
- You're here. - Hi, Gran.
- Have you ordered the tea yet? - No, not yet.
Good, because I'm going to have to take my leave of you...
a little earlier than I had anticipated.
What? Why?
My train leaves tonight, and I have a little last-minute packing to do.
I can help you with that.
Plus, I really don't wish to witness...
any more of this ugly little fight you two seem to be having.
Raising your voice during high tea. Whoever heard of such a thing?
It's like Fergie all over again.
Gran, please. I'm so sorry. We're done. Please don't leave.
I can see now that offering the trust fund was a bad idea.
After all, taking into account the maturity level of those involved...
this large amount of money would probably not be safe.
No, that isn't true. Rory is an incredibly mature kid.
I'm sure she is. It's you I'm worried about.
And I'm sure she gets it from you.
Tell Rory goodbye for me.
You two are welcome to visit me in London anytime.
Emily, please get my coat. I will meet you outside.
- You won. - I did not win.
You didn't want me to take the money, I'm not taking the money.
That's called winning.
- I'm sorry. - No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
- Forget it, Mom. It's no big deal. - No, it is a big deal.
Here Rory had this wonderful opportunity, and we... And I...
- Maybe I can talk to her. - Yes, that'll work.
I'll go to your father. He can talk to her.
He can fix it. I'll make him fix it.
Damn reception. I'll go to a payphone.
Mom, sit. Stay here.
- But Chilton... - Rory can still go...
unless you're rethinking our agreement.
No, not at all. I am not rethinking anything.
Okay, then we're good.
Are you sure?
We're good.
I'd better go out there before she leaves me here.
- I'm sure you'll be sorry to see her go. - I don't know what I'll do with myself.
- See you Friday? - See you Friday.
- Mom? - Yes?
- Can I ask you one favor? - Anything at all.
Don't make us take the coat rack back.
Deal.
- Hi. - Hey.
- Here. - Thanks.
I thought you were gonna have tea today.
- We did. We finished. - Finished early.
Once you're done with those little sandwiches...
there's no reason to pretend you like tea anymore.
I totally understand.
There's something I have to tell you.
What?
I loaned Paris your black mini...
and there's a good chance you may never see it again.
- There's something I have to tell you. - What?
- You lost out on $250,000 today. - What?