- Whoa, honey. - I'm sorry. I didn't see you there.
Oh, goodness. What's left to wear on your feet?
I know. It's a sickness. Everyone thinks it started with Bradshaw.
But, actually, it came over on the Mayflower.
- What a wonderful history lesson. - Any time.
[Pasqualie shouting in Italian]
[Exclaiming]
Pasqualie's feeling unappreciated again.
We had "Stars Hollow Loves Pasqualie Day" last week.
Didn't stick.
Listen, I want to invite you to my anniversary party.
- Absolutely. Which husband? - No husband. I'm talking about a lover...
that's been much more loyal and seductive than a husband.
I'm talking about that business we call show.
- Forty years. - No.
Forty years ago today, I did my first play, off-Broadway.
- Off-Broadway? - Cleveland.
That is off-Broadway.
Anyhow, I thought I'd throw a big party...
food, booze, a little song, a little dance, a little salsa down your pants.
- Well, count me and my pants in. - Wonderful.
I will even drag Luke there.
So if there's any audience participation, please pick on him.
- Luke won't come. - Sure he will.
I have very effective methods of persuasion.
They include extremely high heels and all of Jessica Simpson's bath products.
No, honey. The party's on Tuesday. The thirtieth.
- So? - So the thirtieth is the dark day.
What dark day?
Luke's dark day. The day that he disappears.
- Disappears? Where? - Nobody knows.
Nobody knows where he goes or what he does.
All we know is not to try and find him.
- Why didn't I know about this? - I don't know, honey. Everyone else does.
Anyhow, you come yourself, okay? 8:00.
I'll be there. See you Tuesday, Patty.
Oh, Pasqualie, the maestro. My God, you look virile today.
- Are you sure your wife won't share you? - She's good.
- I don't agree. - You're living in a fantasy world.
- I have classes all day long. - I hear you protesting.
I've got a double major of poli-sci and bio-chem, Terrence.
- I see you over-scheduling. - Sorry, I'm just getting water here.
Paris, you're not yelling at me. You're yelling at the world.
I'm not yelling at all. This is the natural register of my voice.
It's the register of a timid little girl who is not putting herself out there.
- I am putting myself out there. - Why are you arguing with Terrence? Why?
Look, I know I haven't dated lately, but Asher was very important to me.
Hey, Paris, I can't find my notebook. The black one with all my yellow notes in it.
You have not put yourself out there.
He just died.
Oh, for God's sake. He was halfway dead when you met him.
Rory, has she been putting herself out there or not?
- Out where? - Out in the world.
Has she tried to meet men since Asher died?
You don't just meet people. It doesn't happen.
I'll just go in my room now.
Look at your Dream Log. You are months behind.
And your Pretty-Thoughts Journal.
Okay, fine. I have neglected thinking pretty.
But I hardly think I should be penalized for time lost...
- while you were in court-ordered rehab. - Hey, Paris, what's this?
I had a back problem.
The prescription was at home in my Filofax.
This is a message from Headmaster Charleston.
- When did Headmaster Charleston call? - Earlier.
- And you didn't tell me? - I'm in session.
Hello, Headmaster Charleston, this is Rory Gilmore.
I'm sorry it took so long to call you back. I just got your message.
Sweetie, that was a little passive-aggressive.
- We should talk later. - So, how are you?
- I'm very well. How are you enjoying Yale? - I love it.
Is it everything you thought it would be?
It's nothing like I thought it would be. It's better, actually.
I have no doubt. Now, I'm calling...
because we often ask a former Chilton student...
to host a prospective Yale student for a couple of days.
Show them around, let them observe classes, campus life. That sort of thing.
- I was wondering if you'd be interested. - Me?
Yes, this is a very special young lady. Bright, focused, quietly determined.
- She reminds me a great deal of you. - Thank you.
I assume you haven't changed.
I've upgraded the wardrobe a little bit, but I'm basically still me.
Excellent. Then I hope you'll consider accepting.
I know your workload must be substantial.
- That's okay. I can handle it. - So, I can take that as a "Yes"?
Yes, take it as a "Yes," and thank you.
- I'm honored. - Her name is Anna Fairchild.
She's 16 years old, and she'll be arriving...
Monday morning at 9:00. Does that work for you?
- That works perfectly. - Very well. It's a date.
I'm very glad to talk to you again, Miss Gilmore.
Yale certainly sounds like it's agreeing with you.
I hope it will also agree with Miss Fairchild.
- Like Sabrina. - I beg your pardon?
- Sabrina Fairchild. That was her name. - Did we segue into discussing a movie?
- And we can segue right out again. - I'm very grateful for that.
All right, then. My office will be contacting you with the particulars.
I hope you have a wonderful time. I'm sure Miss Fairchild will.
Thank you, Headmaster Charleston. I won't let you down.
What a nice thing to hear. I'm sure we'll be talking soon.
- Goodbye. - Goodbye.
- This is a very big honor, you know. - Oh, I know.
Of all the Chilton alumni at Yale, they're asking you?
I know. I know.
Well, have you thought about...
what kinds of things you'd like to show her?
Well, she'll go to all of my classes with me, of course.
And I thought maybe she'd go to the paper with me...
and then I thought, maybe a trip...
to the Beinecke Rare Book and Manuscript Library.
Oh, you're going to show her the Gutenberg.
- Steve? - Bible.
- Right. - Then I was torn between...
taking her to the Hewitt Memorial Quadrangle...
or the science center and gymnasium.
That is a conundrum.
Yeah, especially since she'll be snoring by then.
You'll just be dragging her dead body weight around the campus.
Lorelai, these things are of great interest...
to any young person considering attending Yale.
Oh, I am sure.
I personally would enjoy every single thing on my list.
Yes, I know, but it wouldn't hurt to maybe throw a little something fun in.
I'm not talking a kegger...
but just walk her by the crazy drama students yelling...
"Give me a location." or something like that.
- You know, your mother may be right. - Who heard that?
Well, a good college experience is a well-rounded college experience.
It's important for you to show her that Yale students have fun, too.
- Have her touch the toe. - Yeah.
- Touch the toe? - The toe. The statue of Theodore Woolsey.
It brings good luck to everyone who touches his feet.
And for that reason, he has one left toe that's been rubbed completely shiny.
Wow, that is fun.
Make sure you get a parent-consent form for that one.
Oh, it is so exciting watching you at Yale. It was such a wonderful time for me.
The people that you meet there...
will stay with you for the rest of your life. Mark my words.
- Tell me, are you making good friends? - Yeah, I have some good friends.
- And what about Mr. Huntzberger? - Who is Mr. Huntzberger?
Logan Huntzberger's a boy I go to school with.
- A fine boy, from a fine family. - You know him?
His parents are very good friends of ours.
- You know Mitchum Huntzberger, Lorelai. - No.
He's been coming to our Christmas parties for years.
No.
His mother's on the pediatric hospital committee with your mother.
- No. - Well, Logan is their son.
And I noticed that you two seemed to be hitting it off the other night.
- The other night? - He's very nice, Grandpa.
Now, I don't want to be too forward, but you made a handsome couple.
Was this Logan at the male Yale party you guys threw?
He's the one who gave me a ride home, Mom.
Oh, Limo-boy. Swell.
He's also on the paper with me.
His father owns some of the finest newspapers in the country.
- I know. - Not a bad connection, huh?
Nope, not a bad connection at all.
- Hey, so tell me about this Logan. - It's 3 degrees out here.
As of tonight, my father knows way more personal dish about you than I do.
That's not right or fair. He doesn't get as much enjoyment out of the dish as I do.
For him, the dish is always half-empty.
You're just talking to keep yourself warm, aren't you?
What is the deal with this guy? Are you dating?
No, we're not dating. He's just a friend.
How close? For example, if we freeze to death...
will he come to the funeral or just send a nice fruit basket?
I know him from school. He's just a casual friend. That's it.
- Do you think he's cute? - It doesn't matter if I think he's cute.
It matters to me. I don't want ugly grandchildren.
Mom, I'm not dating Logan or anyone.
Since Dean, I'm taking a boy break, okay? I'm just concentrating on school.
- Fine, but if that changes... - You'll be the first to know.
Okay, thank you. 'Cause there are not many ways I can outdo my father.
Info on you, and looking better in chiffon, that's about it.
Oh, and my pole dance is way hotter.
- I'm frozen now. - Okay, let's go.
In my hand, ladies and gentlemen...
sits the true advantage of dating a diner owner.
I am never more than 10 feet away from pie.
See, I thought it was the way we always smell faintly of meat.
Oh, it's heaven.
One quick trip downstairs, and I have all the treats I want.
- You're like Willy Wonka but hotter. - I am not hotter than Willy Wonka.
Slap on a purple top hat, and you're close.
This is nice.
[Luke muttering agreement]
I think it's going very well, you and me. You think it's going very well?
I have very few complaints.
I'm going right past the "very few complaints" comment...
'cause I know you're just trying to bait me. What complaints?
Hey, so, Luke...
Miss Patty is celebrating her 40-year anniversary.
- Which husband? - With the business we call show.
Oh, him.
And she's having a big party, and I told her we'd go.
Oh, man.
- It'll be fun. - It will not be fun.
She'll be wearing tap shoes, and there'll be songs and punch...
and at least one story about Milton Berle's penis.
- Only one? - Come on, I have to have you there.
Otherwise, people will think I made you up.
- Fine, I'll go. - Thank you.
Okay, so, it's Tuesday at 8:00.
I can't go Tuesday.
- Why not? - I have to go out of town.
- Why? - Business.
Business? Now you're Willy Loman?
Banking business in Woodbury. Standing appointment. Sorry.
Hit the light, will you? I have to get up early.
Night.
Okay, night.
Wait till you see all the stuff I got for Anna.
Yale T-shirt, Bulldog sweatshirt, Yale baseball cap, visor, coffee mug.
I told you to open a window when you're hot-gluing in here.
It's freezing outside.
Oh, wait. This is new. They just came out with these.
- The Yale soda cozy. How cute is that? - I can't believe you.
You don't even have your loser card-swiping job anymore...
and you're buying all this crap for some kid you don't even know?
I'm trying to make her feel welcome.
Oh, she'll feel welcome. They all feel welcome.
- Who's they? - The enemy.
What enemy?
Any girl under the age of 17 is the enemy.
- Okay, I'm opening a window now. - They're coming for everything.
They're going to take our jobs, our thunder, our starter husbands.
- Don't you have a class to get to? - They're coming, Rory.
They're coming, and they're going to keep on coming...
like the locusts descending on Mankato.
We'll be beating them off for the rest of our lives.
Please, don't be here when she arrives. I don't want you to scare her off.
Me? Scare her off? Please.
She's the one with the alabaster skin and the perky breasts.
Do not say "perky breasts" to her.
- Do you understand me? - Eve Harrington has arrived.
- Hi, I'm looking for Rory Gilmore. - I'm Rory. You must be Anna.
- Yes. - Great, come in.
- Did you find it okay? - I got lost a couple of times...
but people were really nice and got me here.
Yeah, it's a friendly world out there, isn't it?
Anna, this is my roommate, Paris, and I'm sorry.
- For what? - Trust me.
Okay.
Okay, let me show you around the place.
- That is Paris' room. - Don't go in.
That is my room.
And this is the common room, which is also your bedroom.
The bathroom is literally outside the door.
Okay.
And there's a fridge with water or soda or whatever you want.
Oh, and I got you some welcome-to-Yale gifts.
Oh, really? Thank you.
I'm really glad you're here. You are going to love Yale.
It's an amazing place.
I mean, I was excited when I first started here...
but every day is different and better.
You have no idea how much there is to learn. It's...
- Well, you'll see. - Okay, I actually snagged us some caviar.
They were all out of toast points, but I think we can use Doritos...
and achieve a very similar result. Hey.
- This is Anna. - Did Paris move?
- I'm right here, Marty. - I know, Paris.
Anna is from Chilton, my alma mater. I'm showing her around Yale for a few days.
Oh, cool. I'll put this in the fridge.
[Paris clearing throat]
In my room.
- Thanks. Okay, you ready? - I'm ready.
- You have boys bringing you food. - Yale is a magical place, Anna.
A magical, magical place.
The oldest part of the campus is, of course, the Old Campus...
and it houses most of the undergraduate freshman class.
It was begun by Theodore Dwight Woolsey...
President of Yale from 1846 to 1871.
Over here is the Elihu Yale bench.
Now, Eli Yale was an officer in the British East India Company.
He gave what was then called the Collegiate School...
£562 and 417 books and a portrait of King George I.
And so it was renamed in his honor.
He actually gave an additional £500 to the school...
but Yale College never received it because he mistakenly sent it...
to the nonexistent Collegiate School...
apparently forgetting that Yale was named after him.
[Rory exclaiming]
Wait, this is the wrong bench.
So keep the story, but cross out the diagram.
Moving on. There's actually an ongoing rumor...
that you can automatically graduate and earn your degree...
if you become sufficiently fluent in Latin, Greek, and Hebrew.
Imagine all the tables you could wait with those skills, huh?
Okay, you are about to get a firsthand feel...
of what it's like to work on a real newspaper.
Now be prepared.
It is an extremely hectic, fast-paced environment.
Don't get intimidated, and don't get in the way. Ready?
Here it is.
Everyone must be out getting a scoop or something...
but you just wait.
It can heat up in a second. And when it does, man, watch out.
- My desk is over here. - I do not care.
Hey, I am your editor, Paris, and I demand that you tell me.
I won't tell you where I got it, Doyle.
You will if you want to stay on this newspaper.
Okay, you are now privy to one of the classic journalistic dilemmas...
between reporter and editor:
the right to withhold and protect sources.
Damn it, Paris, you tell me where you got that pen right now.
- The pen fairy. - That is one of my personal...
fine-point gel-tip pens from my bottom right-hand drawer...
and you went into that drawer, and you took that pen, and it's mine.
Okay, for "fine-point gel-tip"...
substitute "confidential source deep within the administration."
You get a little thrill, don't you?
[Cell phone ringing]
Hang on a sec.
Hey.
Question: have you ever heard anything about Luke's dark day?
His what?
Well, one day a year, he apparently has a dark day.
No one knows where he goes or what he does. He just disappears.
I've heard nothing about this.
Okay, well, did we see him on November 30th last year?
How am I supposed to know?
Because you keep all those crazy, anal Bob Graham kind of notebooks.
"8:00 a.m.: got up. 8:15: brushed teeth."
"8:25: had impure thoughts. 8:36: sent dwarves off to work."
I do not have my diaries from last November...
on me at the moment.
- But you do have them. - Yes.
And they will contain where we ate breakfast that morning.
Yes.
- I love my little circus freak. - I'll call you later.
- Did your Mini-Me show up? - Yeah, her name's Anna. She's right here.
- How's the tour going? - It's going great.
How many boring bench lectures did you give?
Two, but they were about the same bench.
You know what? I have someone standing abnormally close to me, right now.
- I'll call you later? - Okay, say hi to Kirk for me.
Okay, bye. Kirk, what can I do for you?
- I have a business proposition for you. - Okay.
- How often do you slip in your tub? - Never.
Okay, it doesn't work if you answer like that.
Constantly. I never stop slipping, even when I get out.
I thought so. Then my new line...
of bath-and-shower adhesive decals are for you.
"Yesterday, today, and tomorrow."
Yesterday's retro designs in today's fashion colors...
with tomorrow's traction technology.
Well, Kirk, this looks very impressive and, wow, very expensive.
Well, it's yesterday's retro designs in today's fashion colors...
with tomorrow's traction technology.
Well, why don't you leave the catalog with me...
and I'll look it over?
Could you look at it now? It's my only one.
Okay.
I like that one.
If you put the fishes' faces together, it looks like they're kissing.
[Laughing politely]
Hey, Kirk, do you know anything about Luke's dark day?
- Everyone knows about Luke's dark day. - Do you know what it is?
Not the details, just that he has it once a year.
- I think it goes back a long, long time. - Yeah?
Sure, I mean, Luke's always had a touch of darkness in him.
I guess we all do, but...
Luke's a little more touched than some.
He's kind of grabbed, actually.
What do you think it's about?
When I was in seventh grade, Luke knocked the books out of my hands.
Because of his dark day?
No, everyone knocked my books out of my hands.
I was kind of a target. I used to wear a cape to school.
Now, outside, we just passed the women's table...
which was designed by Maya Lin.
She's also the one who designed the Vietnam War Memorial...
which, by the way, originally was a class project...
for which she received a B.
The teacher who gave her the B...
also submitted a design for the war memorial...
but hers was chosen. His was not.
That's a life lesson to remember.
This is Sterling Memorial Library.
One of my favorite places on campus.
It was built in 1930, and it houses over one-third...
of the university's 10 million volumes.
I love libraries.
I just spend I can't tell you how many hours just...
- You're not writing. - Oh, sorry.
So I come here sometimes, late at night...
I just love how everybody's dressed.
- What? - No uniforms.
I love that there's no uniforms.
- College to me means no more uniforms. - Oh, right.
However, wait till you're late for class...
and it takes you 20 minutes to put together an outfit.
Suddenly you'll miss those uniforms.
How many guys have you dated since you've been here?
Oh, well, none from Yale.
Anyhow, the books. Are you seeing the books?
Everything you'd want to read is right here.
Feel it.
Feels good, right? Now smell it.
Nothing, nothing, smells like that.
I'm sorry. Excuse me. Did I just see you smell that book?
- Hey, Logan. - Hey, Ace. Who's your friend?
Oh, Anna, this is Logan. Logan, this is Anna. She's from my high school.
- I'm showing her around campus. - Hi.
Well, high school? Nah, I would've sworn you're a college girl.
- So, is she showing you a good time? - I'm showing her everything important.
Good. Make sure she takes you by the pub.
Local place. Everyone goes there.
- I'm not taking her to the pub. - Oh, please? The pub sounds fun.
You don't have to drink. They do have coffee.
It's a cool scene. Make her take you. Bring a book to sniff.
What are you doing in a library anyhow?
Got lost. Don't tell anyone I was here. Ruin my rep. Anna, it's been a pleasure.
See you, Ace.
- He's cute. - Yes, he is, but not as cute as Pushkin.
Right this way, Missy.
[Luke shouting]
LUKE: Fine. Do whatever you want.
MRS THOMPSON: Well, I'm sorry you're so upset.
You're giving me a week's notice.
What am I supposed to do with a week's notice?
Well, my son just called me from Florida to tell me about the condo, Luke.
Okay, fine, go. Enjoy Florida.
I hear they have great weather there. Terrific hurricanes.
Make sure you bring plenty of plywood and bottled water.
- Hey, hi, hello. - What are you doing here?
I was just driving down the street, and I saw you.
I thought I'd stop by and say "hey, hi, hello."
- Hello, Mrs. Thompson. - Hello, dear.
- So what's going on? - Nothing. Nothing's going on.
Luke, please understand. There's nothing I can do.
I've already found someone to rent the house. And they have cars.
- And you just agreed to that? - Well, it seemed rather reasonable to me.
Oh, come on.
- Luke's very upset with me. - Why?
Well, his father rented the garage.
He was building a boat, and he didn't have room at his place...
so he paid me to do it here.
And then when he died, Luke continued to pay for the garage.
And now I'm moving to a nursing home, and I need him to move his boat.
You're mad because this little old lady is moving to a nursing home...
and you have to move your boat?
Is this really the story you want to stick to?
She called me out of the blue, and I paid for an entire month.
I can give you a partial refund if you like.
Where am I supposed to find a space to store a boat...
on a moment's notice?
Did you think about that for even a second?
Could we sit down?
The doctor says the screw in my hip is loose.
Yes, yes, let's sit. Let's sit and calmly try to figure this out.
No, no. I've got it figured out. Just haul it off. Trash it.
- Haul what off? - The boat?
Yes, the boat. Scrap it.
Find somebody to drag it away...
- and cut it up for firewood. - Oh, now, Luke.
Who's gonna haul it off?
Anyone. Just find a guy with a truck and a hook.
And strap it on and drive it away and send me the bill.
- I'm done. - Luke. We'll be right back.
Luke, stop. What, what, and what?
I have been paying that woman every month for 15 years.
Luke, she's moving to a nursing home.
And my dad was paying her every month 20 years before that.
- Nursing home, Luke. - I know where she's going.
- She's not trying to hurt you. - Whatever.
- Where are you going? - Back to the diner.
- Let me drive you. - No.
I can drive you back to the diner.
I promise if we pass any senior citizens, I'll let you jump out and pants them.
Fine.
And over here we have the world-famous Luke's Diner...
home of the best coffee on the East Coast...
and the most delightful and chatty proprietor...
since Mel kissed Flo's grits.
Okay, well, I should get back to the inn.
I hope you've enjoyed your tour...
and don't forget to buy yourself a souvenir plastic monkey on the way out.
Tomorrow's the anniversary of my dad's death.
Oh, hon...
And every year on that anniversary...
I disappear. I don't work. I don't talk to anyone.
I get into kind of a funk. It's like...
You have a dark day.
Yeah, I have a dark day.
I thought I should tell you this because we're in a relationship.
I thought you might wonder...
why I suddenly don't answer the phone or I'm not around.
Why you can't flip your hair...
and con me into going to Miss Patty's crazy anniversary party.
- The hair flip is that effective? - You combine that with your black dress...
you could probably get me to be your backup dancer.
I'll remember that.
I've never told anyone this before. I don't really like to talk about it.
I guess that explains the thing with Mrs. Thompson.
Yeah.
Some timing, her springing this boat thing on me now.
I'll apologize to her.
You know, he never finished that boat.
It's been sitting there half-done for 15 years.
Hey, Luke, don't you think you might have been...
a little too hasty about the boat decision?
I mean, you're upset...
and I bet someday you're gonna be really sorry...
you don't have that boat anymore.
No, it's better she gets rid of the thing now.
- But... - I haven't even looked at that boat...
since my dad got sick. It's...
- Not a glance, nothing. - Even more reason.
If it's gone, then I don't have to deal with it.
It's time to move on, you know?
- But... - I'm fine, really.
- Thanks for the ride. - Anytime.
- I love it here. - You love it here? We just walked in.
I know, but it feels so collegiate.
Actually, you know what is great about this place?
- Eli Yale drank here? - No, they make amazing cappuccinos.
- You want one? - Yeah.
Okay, you go sit, and I'll get the coffees.
Okay.
- Two cappuccinos, please. - Sure thing.
Hey.
- Hi, you just get here? - Yeah.
- You want a... - Yes, please.
I'm sorry. Could you make that three cappuccinos?
So, how's it going?
I think I may have overwhelmed Anna. Her hand cramped up about an hour ago.
And it's been spasming ever since.
- Where is she? - She's right...
- Really? - You wanna go to a party tonight?
I turn around for one minute.
[Anna chattering]
Excuse me.
Oh, Rory, Mark and Matthew were just telling me...
about a great party tonight.
Really? That was very nice of them. Thank you, Matthew and Mark, was it?
- That's right. - Well, how biblical.
Okay, well, our schedule is completely full at the moment...
but if that changes, if things lighten up...
or if she suddenly ages two years in the next three hours...
then we'll know where to find you, okay? Bye-bye, now. Bye-bye.
We'll be over here, just in case.
- Rory. - Anna.
Oh, this is so not fair. You get to talk to boys.
What?
Well, you were over there talking to Marty.
That's different. Marty's just a friend, which is another great thing about college.
You learn to have guy friends. Nothing romantic, just a good pal.
Those boys are not interested in your friendship...
unless the word "friendship" is tattooed on your butt.
Now, drink your coffee.
It's good, huh?
Can I sleep with the TV on?
Yeah, as long as you don't wake Paris up. And that advice is for your own good.
- And if I can't go to sleep? - Then you don't go to sleep.
I love that.
I love not having someone tell me when to go to sleep.
- Yes, it's great. - I love sleeping with the TV on...
and I love having no parents around, and I love cappuccino...
and I love apple muffins, and I love college.
What's she on?
Four cappuccinos and three Red Bulls from the fridge.
- Enjoy your night. How do I look? - Where are you going?
I'm putting myself out there, Rory.
- Now? - Yes, now.
It's 11:00 at night.
Who are you hoping to hook up with now, Spike and Drusilla?
Just tell me if my lipstick is too whorish.
No, just whorish enough.
Going out at 11:00 at night? I love college.
I may suffocate her when I get back.
- Hey, if you can catch her. - Bye.
Good luck.
- Good night, Anna. - Night.
[Man chattering on TV]
Which brings us to this question:
Does Campbell's work successfully resolve the disparate stances of Jung and Freud...
when it comes to the collective unconscious?
Hey, pay attention.
Professor Bell is one of the foremost philosophy professors in the country.
- Sorry. - Bordered on being metaphysical?
All right, let's call that close enough.
But now, Campbell can point to the repetition of the hero myth...
in culture after culture and say:
"Hey, Sigmund, like it or not...
"here are the same basic characters over and over"...
Excuse me. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm right in the middle of a class, young man.
I know. I'm sorry, I just... Rory, you can't just walk out like that.
Not after everything we've been through. You just left. I was still in bed.
I mean, what is that all about?
Okay, you need to do this later.
I can't do this later. Rory, I love you. I love you, damn it.
How many times do I have to tell you? God, just talk to me.
- Okay, out. Right now. Just get... - Colin.
- What are you doing, man? - Get the hell out of here.
She's with me now. I told you. Let it go.
- I will not let it go. - She doesn't love you.
Rory, tell him you don't love him.
Everything was fine until you came along.
Don't blame me 'cause you couldn't keep her.
- I swear to God, I'm gonna kill you. - Oh, I'd love to see you try.
Stop it. Stop it right now. Anthony, get security.
Break it up. What are you...
Gentlemen, you are losing control. You're in a classroom with students...
[Blowing whistle]
All right, that's enough. Break it up, you two.
Rory Gilmore, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Toying with these boys like this.
They used to have pride. They used to have dignity.
They used to have balls.
[Students laughing]
Damn it, Gilmore, give them back their balls.
- God, this is a lot of junk. - I know.
Who has three Thighmasters besides Suzanne Somers?
Well, Mrs. Thompson, apparently.
You'd think if you had three Thighmasters, you'd wear some slacks once in a while.
I'm sorry, but why exactly did you have to take all this crap?
It was the only way I could get her to give me the boat.
Some guy wanted it, and she got him to buy all her other crap.
So if I wanted the boat, I had to take everything...
and that's what I did.
I just have to hide it for a few days, then I'll move it.
- Where? - I don't know.
Somewhere. The inn. I'll put it in the old stable out back.
- Are you ever gonna tell Luke? - Yes.
- When? - A week, a year.
I haven't thought that far in advance.
I just couldn't let her get rid of his dad's boat.
What if we hang the Thighmasters on it?
- Or get more trees. - Yeah, or get more trees.
- Jackson's got some trees at home. - Think I could borrow them?
Sure, we'll just wait till he lies down for his nap and sneak them out.
Great, then I'll hop a fence...
and get Richard Widmark to sign my grapefruit.
I'd like to welcome you all to today's speed-dating session.
Many of you have been with us before. Many of you are first-timers.
For the latter group, here are the rules. Each couple will have one minute to talk...
and get a sense of the person across from them.
When the bell rings, the women will get up and switch tables.
Men, stay where you are.
This will continue until every woman has met every man...
and after that, it's up to you.
Are we all ready? Then let the dating begin.
[Bell ringing]
- I'm Jack. - Paris.
Did your parents travel a lot?
- Why? - Your name is Paris.
No. Did your parents change flat tires a lot?
What?
- Or plug the phone into the wall a lot? - No.
Great, so we've cleared up that mystery.
What's next on your fascinating list of talking points?
- What's your major? - Seriously?
You've got one minute to make an impression...
and that's all you can come up with?
You want to know my sign, too, Jack? Or how about my favorite color?
Or if I'm a Britney or a Christina? Here, I'll ask you a question.
Was the last time you had an interesting thought...
when you considered flinging yourself off a building?
[Bell ringing]
Bye, Jack. I'll write Mother immediately.
Paris, and no, my parents didn't travel.
Billy, and I have no idea what that means.
- Never mind. So, what's your story, Billy? - Well, I'm a drama major.
Ding-ding-ding.
- Doyle. - Paris.
- I'm surprised to see you here. - I could say the same for you.
So, you find any good prospects?
- Yes, one girl wants to have 11 children. - Good God.
The second one was cut off quickly. Thank you, by the way.
The words "Latter-Day Saints" were about to come out of her mouth.
- I can't believe I came here. - It's my third time.
You ever meet anyone you actually wanted to date?
My bar is so not that high.
I don't see one person in this room that shouldn't be sterilized immediately.
Right there with you.
So, you've been reading about those skeletons...
they've been finding on the island of Flores, right?
Oh, yeah. They're only 13,000 years old. That's nothing in geological time.
They made tools and probably had a language and...
[Bell ringing]
Keep moving, sister.
Hey, you know they were supposed to be master hunters.
Even though they were diminutive in size.
And then, when that other guy came in in that outfit...
how great was that?
We also studied Dylan Thomas today. Why don't we talk about that for a while?
Yeah, that was cool.
But when Logan and Colin started to fight, that was so amazing.
The teacher had nothing to say, nothing. He just stood there.
- Think they'll get in trouble for that? - Oh, probably not.
God, that's great. The freedom.
I mean, you can do anything in college. No rules, no consequences.
Anna, there are always consequences. You're getting the wrong idea.
College is not just a crazy, wild, sleep-deprived hedonistic society.
[Doyle exclaiming]
- Oh. It wasn't the TV. - No, it wasn't the TV.
- This isn't what it looks like. - I hope not.
- I told you it wasn't the TV. - Hi, Paris.
- All right, fine. Doyle and I had sex. - Okay, Anna, get your coat.
We met at speed-dating, and we considered having dinner first...
but we both knew where it was going to end up, so we figured...
we'd just cut to the chase and save the calories.
- Hurry up, Anna. - Where are we going?
- Dinner. - It's only 5:00.
You've no right to be repulsed by my sex life.
This is an exceptionally comfortable robe.
Dinner whenever you want, random sex whenever you want.
I can't wait to go to college.
- Ice cream and cereal for dinner. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. College rocks.
- Ladies. - Hi, Logan.
- How are we doing this fine evening? - We're doing great. You want to join us?
Sure.
- So, dull day, huh? - Not for me.
- Someone's quiet. - Got nothing to say.
Do you get the sense that she's mad at me?
Yup.
Hey, Anna, why don't you head on over to the fro-yo social?
You remember where it is, right?
Yeah, but I just had three scoops of ice cream.
Kid, you're in college now, okay? Now, go get yourself some yogurt.
Are you going to come, Logan?
I'm not sure how well I'll be walking, here, in a minute, Anna.
Oh, okay. Bye.
That's not a good look.
- I have no words. - It was just a joke.
Oh, no, wait. I thought of some: jerk, ass, arrogant, inconsiderate...
mindless, frat-boy, lowlife, butt-faced miscreant.
"Butt-faced miscreant?"
- Why would you do something like that? - I'm sorry, "butt-faced miscreant"?
Here I am, trying to show Anna what college life is really like...
- That is what college life is really like. - Maybe your college life, not mine.
That was my class, Logan.
That was my professor who decides my grades...
and you made me look ridiculous to him.
No, I made me look ridiculous to him.
Oh, you don't think he thinks I was a part of it?
I'll talk to him. I'll tell him you were an innocent bystander.
The whole class was in a frenzy the entire time.
We never got back to what we were talking about.
There's another class next week.
I know that classes and the paper and Yale in general...
mean nothing to you, but it means something to me.
Professor Bell's course is only six weeks long...
and you blew one of those weeks for me.
I won't get that week back.
Look, you want a close and personal time with Bell, my dad knows him.
- He'll arrange... - Please stop talking.
I'm sorry you're so bent out of shape. I didn't mean to upset you.
Anna thinks that Yale is just a big joke.
If Anna thinks Yale is just a big joke after spending five minutes with you...
then she was always gonna think Yale was just a big joke. Relax.
You and me, very different people.
I have to go.
To the fro-yo social?
Yes, I have to go to the fro-yo social.
And yes, I do realize how incredibly stupid that just sounded.
Excuse me.
All I'm saying is I just want a little information.
Is this a relationship? A one-night stand?
The beginning of a series of late-night booty calls?
I think I have the right to know.
TERRENCE: [On speaker phone] I hear you. Doyle, do you hear her?
I do hear her. I just don't understand...
why we can't decide this amongst ourselves.
Because you can't, Doyle. Now, please tell Paris how you feel.
Well, I feel that...
Speak into the phone, Doyle. I can't hear you.
- Is Anna here? - No, why?
She didn't show up at the fro-yo social.
- Jeez, do you blame her. - I have to find her.
Why? Did you loan her money or something?
Just go back to what you were doing, please.
Hey, Marty, I lost Anna. I don't know where.
Just... Thanks.
If she comes back here, call me.
Go ahead, Doyle. Tell him.
- Any idea where she'd go? - No, she was supposed to meet me.
I can't believe I let her go off by herself.
Well, we'll find her.
- Mom. - Hi.
Where would a 16-year-old girl go for a good time?
Oh, how sad that you had to come to me for this conversation.
- Mom. - You were 16 a lot more recently than me.
- I lost Anna. - How did you lose Anna?
She never showed at the fro-yo social.
Okay, relax. 16-year-old girl at college. You have to check parties.
Bars and Chinese restaurants rarely card.
- No Chinese restaurants around. - The pub. Did you check the pub?
No. The pub. We have to check the pub. Parties and the pub.
Okay, call me when you... [Luke exclaiming]
I have to go, hon. Call me when you find her.
- Okay, bye. - Bye.
- Oh, my God. Are you okay? - I smashed my leg on a Thighmaster.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, and then I tripped and smashed my other leg...
- on another Thighmaster. - I'm sorry.
Why the hell do you have so many Thighmasters?
I have a really bad thigh complex. Are you bleeding? You want to come in?
No, I'm fine. I just...
You left your glasses at my house.
- I thought you might need them. - Thank you.
I didn't think you'd be here.
I thought you were going to Patty's thing.
I was just leaving.
I don't have to go if you want to come in.
No, it's okay.
I'm still going through my dark day. I'm gonna go.
Okay. Sorry about your foot.
- What's going on with your garage? - What?
Your garage door looks all weird.
Oh, no, it's fine. It's jammed. Just leave it.
You can't leave it open like that. You could ruin all your stuff.
That's okay. Too much stuff anyhow. If a little bit gets ruined...
serves me right for being so darn materialistic.
- What are all these trees doing here? - No, just stop.
Go back to your dark day. No, no, don't, don't.
There's clowns in there and puppies wearing costumes...
and they'll cheer you up, and then your dark day will be ruined.
What is this?
It's your boat.
I thought I told her to get rid of this boat.
She did. She sold it to me with all of her other crap. She made a killing, actually.
I just couldn't stand the idea...
that you might regret someday giving this boat away.
- Even though I said I wanted it gone? - Yes, I know, but you were upset.
- No, I was cranky. Now I'm upset. - I'm sorry. I just thought...
You thought about you. You thought about you and how you'd feel.
You didn't think about me or the fact that I said...
I wanted to get rid of this damn boat.
I said it, you heard it, and you ignored it.
Because I didn't want you...
You have no respect for what I wanted. This was my dad.
This was his boat, and this decision was mine.
- This was not yours. - I know.
This is who I am.
I don't want to hang on to things or stare at things.
Except my horoscope...
which is absolutely the wrong thing to bring up right now. I'm sorry.
- I'm getting out of here. - No, I'm sorry.
Please, just stay and yell at me.
Why? What's the point? You don't listen to anything I say, anyhow.
- She's nowhere. - She's not nowhere.
This is all my fault.
- There's more bars. We'll find her. - God, I'm so stupid.
If I didn't have to confront Logan like that...
I wouldn't have had to send her off on her own and we wouldn't be looking for her.
We'll find her.
He's so frustrating, that guy.
I mean, I don't know what I did to get on his bad side...
or why he just has to come after me like...
- Oh, stop it. - What?
He's not coming after you. He likes you.
- He does not. - Oh, please, Rory.
Marty, he does not like me. I mean, look at what he did.
Look at that stunt that he pulled. He totally humiliated me.
Attention like that from people like Logan is like being tapped.
- You've been anointed. You're in. - In what?
In with him, with his group. He likes you.
- Stop being so naive. It's annoying. - Marty...
[Cell phone ringing]
Hello?
Miss Gilmore, Headmaster Charleston here.
Oh, hi, Headmaster Charleston. What's going on?
Well, not much. Thank you for asking.
I was just wondering how things are going with Miss Fairchild.
- Oh, fine. - Yes?
Everything's great.
Wonderful. Then I can inform Anna's parents...
that the underage girl the Yale campus police found...
when they broke up a rather raucous party is, in fact, not their daughter.
- I'm sorry, Headmaster Charleston. - And what a help that is.
I tried. I just... I turned around for a moment.
Did she tell you about the bench? 'Cause I spent a lot of time...
I'm sorry, Miss Gilmore. I have to go.
Some angry parents will be here in a moment to talk to me.
I appreciate the attempt. Good luck at Yale.
Bye, Headmaster Charleston.
The campus police got her.
She came, she spent one day with me, and she got sent home by the police.
And I think I'm going to retroactively flunk high school.
- At least she's safe, right? - Right.
Crappy, crappy day.
You want to take a cab? My treat.
Thanks.
I think I'm gonna walk.
- Marty... - I'll see you tomorrow.
- What are you doing? - I smell like trees.
You do?
[Lorelai muttering agreement]
Hey, me, too.
Now we're the crazy pine-scented ladies.
- How's your punch? - It's good.
You okay?
Yeah, fine, just fine.
Thank you. Thank you, everyone.
I'm honored that you came here...
to help me celebrate 40 wonderful years on the stage.
It feels so good to be here in front of an audience...
and so close to a piano.
So close to a piano.
Kirk.
Sorry.
Hey, Patty, why don't you do a little something for us?
Well, if you insist. Hit it.
[Guests cheering]
[Patty singing Coffee Song by Frank Sinatra]
I'll be right back.
Hey.
See, there's a reason...
I stay away from people on this particular day. It's 'cause I kind of suck.
Oh, Luke, I'm so sorry. I should have listened to you.
I should have stayed out of it. You were right. I didn't think.
I mean, I didn't think like you would think. I thought like I would think...
and my thinking is sometimes very, very wrong if you're not me.
And, occasionally, if you are me.
You just keep thinking like you'd think.
I can do that.
Do you want to come in? You can get drunk...
just standing next to the punch bowl.
- Nah, I'm still kind of... - I get it.
- I just didn't want us to... - We're not.
- Yeah. You go have a good time. - See you tomorrow.
- Yeah, you'll see me tomorrow. - Okay.
Logan.
Richard? Wow, this is a pleasant surprise.
- Finn, Colin, you know Richard, don't you? - Well, hello, boys. Nice to see you.
Logan, I wanted to talk to you. I just heard about the incident.
The...
I heard that you professed your feelings...
- for Rory. - What?
Mr. Bell is a very dear friend of mine. As is the Dean of Admissions.
- You know this place. News travels fast. - Yeah, look...
I have to tell you that, while I understand what could have driven you...
to such a public display of affection...
there is a proper time and place for that sort of thing.
And a classroom in the middle of class is not one of them.
- No, I know. I... - However, what's done is done. It's out.
So I dropped by to tell you that I've spoken to your father.
- My father. - We pounded out a few things...
property agreements, prenups, that sort of thing.
- Okay, I think there's been... - We came to a very fair agreement.
I'm sure you'll be pleased.
Now, we're setting up a dinner for next week...
to finalize the engagement and start talking about the ceremony.
Emily is handling all the newspaper announcements.
So not to worry. That's all taken care of.
But...
She's a fine young lady, Logan. I want her to be happy.
You'll take care of that, I assume.
All right, I'll let you get back to your coffee break.
Nice seeing all of you again. And, Logan, welcome to the family, son.
I do hope one of his dopey-looking friends knows CPR...
or he just might not make it.
You're the best, Grandpa.
All right, who's next? Paris giving you any trouble?
Not any more than usual.
However, there is a girl in my modern poetry class...
who keeps kicking my chair.
- I do love this place. - Right back at you, Grandpa.
[Richard laughing]