1 00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:13,261 Back, back, back. 2 00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:15,996 How fucking far back do you go? 3 00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:18,999 My mom and dad were divorced before I was two, 4 00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:20,734 and from then on, 5 00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:24,238 my father was almost uninvolved in my life 6 00:03:24,272 --> 00:03:28,376 and my mother, much too involved. 7 00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:33,247 She wanted to make up for all her mistakes through me. 8 00:03:33,281 --> 00:03:37,918 One night, there was something in my pants, like, blood. 9 00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:41,522 My mom said, "Oh, hell. Your period. 10 00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:45,459 This is where all the trouble starts." 11 00:03:45,493 --> 00:03:48,262 She was right. 12 00:03:48,296 --> 00:03:58,306 (* "The Promise" by Bruce Springsteen*) 13 00:03:58,339 --> 00:04:08,382 (* "The Promise" by Bruce Springsteen*) 14 00:04:08,382 --> 00:04:16,924 (* "The Promise" by Bruce Springsteen*) 15 00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:19,460 Now Mom and Dad really had something to fight over - 16 00:04:19,493 --> 00:04:21,429 me. 17 00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:24,398 Then one day, my dad disappeared. 18 00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:26,834 No number, no letters. 19 00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:28,869 Just gone. 20 00:04:28,902 --> 00:04:31,305 I wrote to Seventeen magazine, 21 00:04:31,339 --> 00:04:32,706 a long letter about us. 22 00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:36,344 They wanted to publish it as an article but kept asking, 23 00:04:36,377 --> 00:04:38,379 "Your dad going away - does he come back? 24 00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:41,349 Does it have a happy ending?" 25 00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:43,417 In reality it didn't, but I thought, 26 00:04:43,451 --> 00:04:47,855 "What the hell? I'll give them what they want." 27 00:04:47,888 --> 00:04:51,325 This is it. Time to go. 28 00:04:51,359 --> 00:04:53,327 Mom, please don't... 29 00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:55,496 No way are we gonna be late. 30 00:04:55,529 --> 00:04:56,930 We have hours. 31 00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:59,400 Honey, honey, you've got registration at four. 32 00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:03,036 Come on, now. 33 00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:05,038 Oh, Lizzie... 34 00:05:05,072 --> 00:05:07,975 you wanna take your rug. Mom. 35 00:05:08,008 --> 00:05:11,545 What? Come on. 36 00:05:11,579 --> 00:05:14,882 This is the most important day of your life. 37 00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:17,485 I thought that's when you got married. Ha! 38 00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:20,788 No, honey, that's the worst day of your life. 39 00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:26,627 Yeah, she is so excited. Oh, Mom, she looks beautiful. 40 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:29,397 Pity, I was aiming for psychotic. 41 00:05:29,430 --> 00:05:32,032 Well, yeah. 42 00:05:32,065 --> 00:05:34,502 Grandma's so excited, she's crying. 43 00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:38,406 It's a journalism scholarship, Mom. Journalism, yeah. 44 00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:40,841 She wants to be a writer. 45 00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:49,917 The first few days, that's when everyone makes friends. 46 00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:53,020 I know. It gets harder later. 47 00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:55,055 Mom, I think I'm old enough. 48 00:05:56,457 --> 00:05:57,425 Don't get upset. 49 00:05:57,458 --> 00:05:59,960 I'm not getting upset. 50 00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:01,462 Why are you saying that I'm upset? 51 00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:04,932 I'm just trying to help. You know that. 52 00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:07,134 You know how proud I am of you, Lizzie. 53 00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:11,539 You have so much potential, honey... 54 00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:14,007 Are you listening to me? 55 00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:15,409 Lizzie? 56 00:06:15,443 --> 00:06:17,478 Lizzie, Lizzie, what are you doing? 57 00:06:17,511 --> 00:06:20,614 Come on, let's get this stuff down to the car. 58 00:06:20,648 --> 00:06:24,117 I don't have to go to Harvard to become a writer. 59 00:06:26,454 --> 00:06:28,456 Lizzie, what are you talking about? 60 00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:31,559 At Harvard, you'll meet people. 61 00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:33,561 You'll get contacts, you'll... 62 00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:35,563 People to help you. 63 00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:37,465 I know what I'm talking about, Lizzie. 64 00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:42,202 I had my whole life ahead of me. 65 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:45,639 You don't want to go to Harvard? 66 00:06:45,673 --> 00:06:47,641 Well, you just wait 67 00:06:47,675 --> 00:06:51,044 until you have no choices left, 68 00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:53,046 where you've got nothing, no one, 69 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:55,048 no one who cares about you. 70 00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:57,017 Then you see how you feel. 71 00:06:57,050 --> 00:06:59,186 Mom, I didn't say I wasn't going. 72 00:07:01,121 --> 00:07:05,058 Dr. Isaacs warned me. Mom, I said I'm going. 73 00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:08,095 He told me you'd isolate, stay in your room all day. 74 00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:11,932 I'm not isolating, OK? I'm not gonna isolate. 75 00:07:13,534 --> 00:07:15,636 I want things to be different. 76 00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:21,642 Well, fine. 77 00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:24,144 That's all you need, then. 78 00:07:24,177 --> 00:07:25,579 That's what I've been talking about. 79 00:07:28,015 --> 00:07:29,950 You'll see, Lizzie. 80 00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:32,986 It'll be a whole other world up there. 81 00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,963 Young... God, I was so young. 82 00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:44,732 You be careful. 83 00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:48,035 When I think of it, just a year older than you, 84 00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:50,571 and I was already a housewife. Oy. 85 00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:55,543 God, I was so bored, I bought a monkey 86 00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:57,545 just to have someone to talk to. 87 00:07:57,578 --> 00:08:00,548 But then you came along. 88 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,543 Oh, my God. 89 00:08:29,577 --> 00:08:32,212 Lizzie, Lizzie, it's so... 90 00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:34,514 Harvard. 91 00:08:40,588 --> 00:08:43,323 But you're on the fifth floor. 92 00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:45,626 I know. 93 00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:48,696 Well, how are we gonna manage, huh? 94 00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:51,131 I can do it, OK, Mom? Don't do anything. 95 00:08:51,164 --> 00:08:53,133 Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 96 00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:54,167 Hi. 97 00:08:55,335 --> 00:08:59,172 May I be of assistance? Could you? 98 00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:01,709 Oh, that's too kind. 99 00:09:01,742 --> 00:09:03,744 My pleasure. 100 00:09:04,612 --> 00:09:09,817 Ever since she was in second grade, she was always writing... 101 00:09:09,850 --> 00:09:13,253 The man has "good catch" written all over his forehead. 102 00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:16,323 Any minute now, she's gonna ask me to confirm it. 103 00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:19,126 (mother) Lizzie. 104 00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:21,762 I've always helped my mother pick up boyfriends. 105 00:09:21,795 --> 00:09:24,765 The only one I never got a say in was the one that mattered - 106 00:09:24,798 --> 00:09:25,365 my dad. 107 00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,267 Wow. 108 00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:30,137 Now, that's quality. That's a father. 109 00:09:30,170 --> 00:09:33,340 Could you imagine your father? We'd still be in Manhattan. 110 00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:36,610 I told him you've already had things published. 111 00:09:36,644 --> 00:09:39,613 Mom, don't you think you should be getting the car back? 112 00:09:39,647 --> 00:09:41,314 It's kinda getting late. 113 00:09:43,751 --> 00:09:45,185 Yeah. 114 00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,322 Don't forget to eat. 115 00:09:58,365 --> 00:10:01,201 Bye, sweetheart. Bye, Mom. 116 00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:07,307 Ever since I was a little kid, 117 00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:09,609 my mom and I always hung out together. 118 00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:16,383 I didn't fit in with most kids in school. 119 00:10:16,416 --> 00:10:18,385 They thought I was strange, 120 00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:21,321 so they made me feel like a stranger... 121 00:10:23,356 --> 00:10:26,393 ...and my mother took advantage of it from an early age, 122 00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:27,394 throwing me into plays, 123 00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:30,798 spelling bees, studying, writing, 124 00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:35,402 museums, concerts and even more writing. 125 00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:37,938 She convinced me this would lead to the Holy Grail - 126 00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:40,407 Harvard, a place where I would finally be surrounded 127 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:44,244 by people I had something in common with. 128 00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:46,246 I'm not gonna ask for much. 129 00:10:46,279 --> 00:10:48,849 They don't have to be a Springsteen fan. 130 00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:58,425 Nice meeting you guys. 131 00:10:58,458 --> 00:10:59,693 Hi. Hi. 132 00:10:59,727 --> 00:11:01,962 You're Elizabeth, right? 133 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:05,232 Yeah, I thought that I recognized you from the face book. 134 00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:07,801 You know, I read that... I read that article that you wrote 135 00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:08,836 about your parents' divorce. 136 00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:11,839 That was brilliant. Thank you. 137 00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:13,440 I'm Ruby. Hi. 138 00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:15,675 We're gonna be roommates. Oh, cool. 139 00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:20,848 Seriously, you don't have any idea what that article meant to me. 140 00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:24,284 You were telling the full grisly truth about your parents, 141 00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:26,854 exposing all their lies. 142 00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:30,824 And then meeting with your father and reconciling with him - 143 00:11:30,858 --> 00:11:34,962 so inspiring. 144 00:11:36,897 --> 00:11:39,166 Do you smoke? 145 00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:43,871 You know, I've never smoked in the daytime before. 146 00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:45,873 Well, we're at Harvard now. 147 00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:48,375 We can do whatever we want to. 148 00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:50,410 Cool. 149 00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:55,983 We'll be like these beautiful literary freaks, 150 00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:59,887 being brilliant and dark and sexy. 151 00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:04,291 Trouble is, I'm deadly serious. 152 00:12:04,324 --> 00:12:07,394 ( *"Mystery Achievement" by The Pretenders*) 153 00:12:13,867 --> 00:12:16,837 Boys never used to notice me before. 154 00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:19,739 I wasn't even on their list of alternatives. 155 00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:29,449 Every day 156 00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:33,020 Every nighttime I find 157 00:12:33,053 --> 00:12:35,055 Mystery achievement 158 00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:38,225 You're on my mind, on my mind 159 00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:40,027 (glass smashes) 160 00:12:40,060 --> 00:12:43,330 Every day 161 00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:45,432 Every nighttime I feel... 162 00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:48,335 Ruby gets it. She gets me. 163 00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:50,437 If she were a guy, everything would be perfect. 164 00:13:04,551 --> 00:13:06,820 When Lou Reed was 17 years old, 165 00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:12,492 he was diagnosed as suffering from mood swings. 166 00:13:12,525 --> 00:13:17,464 He was subjected to electric-shock treatment three times a week. 167 00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:21,268 Each treatment hit him as a blinding white light, 168 00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:23,403 and therein lies his genius - 169 00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:26,373 to embrace his own psychic carnage 170 00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:29,843 and create some of the greatest rock-'n'-roll the world has ever heard. 171 00:13:29,877 --> 00:13:30,743 ( *"Sweet Jane" by Lou Reed) 172 00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:34,014 *That pretty women never really faint* 173 00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:36,884 *And that villains always blink their eyes* 174 00:13:38,451 --> 00:13:41,521 *And that children are the only ones who blush* 175 00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:45,458 *And that life is just to die 176 00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:47,360 *Oh, oh, oh 177 00:13:47,394 --> 00:13:50,597 *Anyone who's ever had a heart 178 00:13:51,932 --> 00:13:53,300 *Wouldn't turn around 179 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:56,103 *Wouldn't turn around and break it* 180 00:13:56,136 --> 00:13:59,873 *Anyone who's ever played a part...* 181 00:13:59,907 --> 00:14:03,510 I feel his cold embrace, his sly caress, 182 00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:05,512 lying in my room for days on end, 183 00:14:05,545 --> 00:14:10,117 everything cold, dark, silvery. 184 00:14:10,150 --> 00:14:13,921 I'm scared he'll take me back to the depths of my own twisted desire, 185 00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:17,490 to a place I'm too afraid to go to because maybe I will never escape. 186 00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:20,127 I bet you've got thousands at home. 187 00:14:23,463 --> 00:14:27,400 Cigarette packs with tiny little writing on. 188 00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:29,469 Your life story? 189 00:14:30,503 --> 00:14:33,440 Diary? No? 190 00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:35,475 Come on, this is killing me. 191 00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:43,016 It's an assignment. You're the most conscientious student at Harvard. 192 00:14:44,952 --> 00:14:46,453 It's a music review. 193 00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:47,687 Ah. 194 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:51,391 I'm trying to start a music column for the Crimson. 195 00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:53,460 That's great. 196 00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:58,431 You wanna do some X? 197 00:15:01,201 --> 00:15:03,636 You've never done X? 198 00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:08,508 Acid goes to your head, right? 199 00:15:08,541 --> 00:15:11,611 X goes to your heart. 200 00:15:11,644 --> 00:15:14,481 ( *"Perfect Day" by Lou Reed*) 201 00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:17,450 *Feed the animals in the zoo 202 00:15:17,484 --> 00:15:21,088 *Then later a movie, too 203 00:15:21,121 --> 00:15:23,156 *And then home 204 00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,998 *Oh, such a perfect day 205 00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:37,504 *Feed the animals in the zoo 206 00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:41,108 *Then later, a movie, too 207 00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:43,010 *And then home 208 00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:50,150 *It's such a perfect day 209 00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:54,687 *I'm glad I spent it with you 210 00:15:57,590 --> 00:16:00,160 *Such a perfect day 211 00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:04,431 *You just keep me hanging on 212 00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:07,434 You just keep me hanging on...* 213 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:10,437 (running water) 214 00:16:13,573 --> 00:16:15,175 Hey. 215 00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:17,577 You OK? 216 00:16:22,615 --> 00:16:24,717 What are you doing in here? 217 00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:30,157 Oh, no. 218 00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:31,558 Do you want to go back inside? 219 00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:40,700 There's a guy out there. 220 00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:43,470 I think he's looking for you. 221 00:16:44,571 --> 00:16:48,575 *You're going to reap 222 00:16:49,776 --> 00:16:52,745 *Just what you sow 223 00:16:55,115 --> 00:16:59,719 *You're going to reap just what you sow* 224 00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:12,031 *Oh, what a perfect day 225 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:19,506 His voice comes to me under the covers... 226 00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:21,708 "Come here, baby." 227 00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:24,777 He's inside of me where no one else has been, 228 00:17:24,811 --> 00:17:26,613 in my dark and secret place. 229 00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:31,851 I let him take me there, but then my fear returns. 230 00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:34,087 I want him to stop. 231 00:17:34,121 --> 00:17:37,624 How do you think it feels and when do you think it stops? 232 00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:40,827 I don't want him in control. I want him to be gone. 233 00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:44,664 I want him not to exist. I mean, let's face it... 234 00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:46,799 "Lou Reed should be dead." 235 00:17:49,336 --> 00:17:52,305 It's great. 236 00:18:00,347 --> 00:18:02,582 Are you gonna sleep with me tonight? 237 00:18:06,153 --> 00:18:08,121 Don't say I didn't warn you. 238 00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:10,123 What's that supposed to mean? 239 00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:12,659 It means don't say I didn't warn you. 240 00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:17,297 Great. 241 00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:24,237 I've been wanting so badly for sex to happen the right way, 242 00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:28,708 with the right person, at the right time, in the right place. 243 00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:33,680 It wasn't any big deal. Oh, when is it, though? 244 00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:36,683 It should've been. Well, at least he's good-looking. 245 00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:40,853 It was my first time. Yeah, sure. 246 00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,355 No, I'm serious. 247 00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:46,859 Are you kidding me? 248 00:18:46,893 --> 00:18:48,328 It's true. 249 00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:50,230 No way. I don't believe you. 250 00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:54,267 I just figured I should start having sex like a normal 19-year-old. 251 00:18:56,703 --> 00:18:58,938 Well, I happen to think that this calls for celebration. 252 00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:01,908 We could have a party! A party? 253 00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:10,717 It was meant to be subtle, but, of course... 254 00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:13,286 Elizabeth, this is great. 255 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,154 It's such a wild idea. 256 00:19:16,856 --> 00:19:19,158 Everyone got it. 257 00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:23,663 Only not everyone was so pleased. 258 00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:26,799 I wish I'd have thought of something like this. 259 00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:29,636 Thanks. 260 00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:45,385 Hey. Hey. 261 00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:48,388 How can you take something that's private and turn it into something public? 262 00:19:48,421 --> 00:19:51,358 It wasn't private to begin with. 263 00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:54,994 All right, it was good, it was interesting. 264 00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:55,962 Interesting? 265 00:19:55,995 --> 00:19:58,731 I just mean it wasn't about me, you know? 266 00:19:58,765 --> 00:20:02,502 It wasn't special. It was just sex. 267 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:06,873 OK. That's cool. 268 00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:09,409 You don't look cool with it. 269 00:20:17,284 --> 00:20:20,820 I'd been saving my virginity for someone who truly loves me, 270 00:20:20,853 --> 00:20:23,390 who really knows the inside of me. 271 00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:25,958 Noah wasn't it. 272 00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:28,795 He told me afterwards that in terms of absolute value, 273 00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:31,964 sex and drugs were equally meaningless to him, 274 00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:34,434 just two different ways to have fun. 275 00:20:36,303 --> 00:20:37,404 Which is all well and good... 276 00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:40,507 until a girl tries out the same approach. 277 00:20:42,542 --> 00:20:44,711 Lizzie? 278 00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:47,947 Hey, have you guys seen Lizzie? (both) No. 279 00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:49,516 Lizzie? 280 00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:53,553 Lizzie? 281 00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:55,555 Lizzie? You got a phone call. 282 00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:58,024 Who is it? Rolling Stone. 283 00:20:58,057 --> 00:20:59,926 Rolling Stone? 284 00:21:02,429 --> 00:21:06,899 The college journalism award for 1985 285 00:21:06,933 --> 00:21:10,303 goes to Elizabeth Wurtzel 286 00:21:10,337 --> 00:21:13,540 for her Harvard Crimson piece on Lou Reed. 287 00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:20,447 I want to forget everything that has happened to me before. 288 00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:22,749 I want to freeze this moment... 289 00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:26,886 ...forever. 290 00:21:35,362 --> 00:21:37,997 Thank you. 291 00:21:38,030 --> 00:21:39,999 That's great. No, you're great. 292 00:21:40,032 --> 00:21:41,868 Thank you. You're welcome. 293 00:21:41,901 --> 00:21:43,870 I'm just thinking about all the bands coming to Cambridge 294 00:21:43,903 --> 00:21:45,605 who you could cover. 295 00:21:45,638 --> 00:21:49,409 It's very rare we get somebody who's going to all the gigs, writing with such clarity. 296 00:21:49,442 --> 00:21:52,879 So, I'm thinking he's coming on to me, 297 00:21:52,912 --> 00:21:55,882 and he's, like, an editor at Rolling Stone. 298 00:21:55,915 --> 00:21:57,884 And how old is he? 299 00:21:57,917 --> 00:22:00,119 Oh, my God. What? 300 00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:01,921 That's my dad. Oh, cool. 301 00:22:03,923 --> 00:22:04,457 Look at that. 302 00:22:09,896 --> 00:22:13,433 What? What's the matter? I haven't seen him in four years. 303 00:22:13,466 --> 00:22:16,536 Wait a minute. I thought you said in... I know what I said. 304 00:22:25,945 --> 00:22:29,849 (young Lizzie) Dad, when are you coming back to live with us? 305 00:22:31,851 --> 00:22:34,020 Well, I'm not, honey. You know that. 306 00:22:34,053 --> 00:22:37,023 But Mom said that if you want to, she wants you to. 307 00:22:39,492 --> 00:22:42,462 I'm sure your mom didn't say that, did she? 308 00:22:42,495 --> 00:22:44,497 She did. 309 00:22:44,531 --> 00:22:48,635 Honey, you know, that... that's just not gonna happen. 310 00:22:53,005 --> 00:22:56,142 Which doesn't mean that I love you any the less. 311 00:23:08,721 --> 00:23:10,457 Who does he think he is? 312 00:23:10,490 --> 00:23:13,960 He disappears for four fucking years, 313 00:23:13,993 --> 00:23:15,962 and then he thinks he can come back here 314 00:23:15,995 --> 00:23:18,965 and take pictures of his perfect Ivy-League daughter? 315 00:23:18,998 --> 00:23:20,332 Well, this place has nothing to do with him. 316 00:23:20,366 --> 00:23:24,103 The least he could do is have the decency to understand that. 317 00:23:24,136 --> 00:23:26,439 Well, maybe you should say something to him. 318 00:23:26,473 --> 00:23:27,507 Like what? 319 00:23:27,540 --> 00:23:29,509 I don't know. 320 00:23:29,542 --> 00:23:33,112 How's your new life? How's your new fucking girlfriend? 321 00:23:33,145 --> 00:23:35,114 Lizzie, he's your father. He loves you. 322 00:23:35,147 --> 00:23:36,248 No, you don't know what it was like. 323 00:23:36,282 --> 00:23:39,919 When I was eight, we went to see The Last Waltz. 324 00:23:39,952 --> 00:23:41,921 He passed out on tranquilizers. 325 00:23:41,954 --> 00:23:45,458 I had to sit through the movie three fucking times before he woke up. 326 00:23:45,492 --> 00:23:47,927 What kind of a person does that? 327 00:23:49,729 --> 00:23:52,465 I-I didn't realize. 328 00:23:52,499 --> 00:23:56,068 That article, it was just wish fulfillment. 329 00:23:56,102 --> 00:23:59,138 I was writing about how I wanted things to be, 330 00:23:59,171 --> 00:24:01,140 and the way people talked about it, 331 00:24:01,173 --> 00:24:05,211 the way you talked about it, it made it seem real. 332 00:24:05,244 --> 00:24:07,146 Well, maybe it can be. 333 00:24:09,048 --> 00:24:13,586 No. It was just a dream I held on to for way too long. 334 00:24:13,620 --> 00:24:16,989 I'm happy here. I don't need him anymore. 335 00:24:17,590 --> 00:24:19,592 We should go. Are you coming? 336 00:24:22,028 --> 00:24:25,698 No. I promised my editor that article by next week. 337 00:24:35,975 --> 00:24:37,276 ( "Who Is Who" by The Adolescents) 338 00:24:37,309 --> 00:24:40,279 Friends call me enemy 'cause they're a fucking joke 339 00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:42,649 They'd better get their act together, it's time that they awoke 340 00:24:42,682 --> 00:24:44,584 I'm cast out by my relatives 'cause they don't want me round 341 00:24:44,617 --> 00:24:49,255 Just sit in a corner and I don't make a sound 342 00:24:49,288 --> 00:24:50,657 Not one word 343 00:24:50,690 --> 00:24:52,625 The walls are closing in on me 344 00:24:52,659 --> 00:24:56,062 I don't know what to do 345 00:24:56,095 --> 00:24:57,564 Jesus, Lizzie, it's 4:00 in the morning. Do you mind? 346 00:24:57,597 --> 00:25:00,967 I know. I'm sorry. 347 00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:02,569 Music helps me concentrate. 348 00:25:08,808 --> 00:25:12,211 Springsteen's like this garage-mechanic poet. 349 00:25:12,244 --> 00:25:14,213 You can feel the sweat in his voice, 350 00:25:14,246 --> 00:25:16,683 the grime in his guitar. 351 00:25:16,716 --> 00:25:19,719 When he sings, I see steamy streets, 352 00:25:19,752 --> 00:25:21,788 lovers' groping hands, 353 00:25:21,821 --> 00:25:23,790 busted fenders. 354 00:25:23,823 --> 00:25:25,692 The dirt is under his nails 355 00:25:25,725 --> 00:25:27,694 and the clairvoyance in his eyes. 356 00:25:27,727 --> 00:25:29,696 ( "The Promise" by Bruce Springsteen) 357 00:25:29,729 --> 00:25:31,598 When the promise is broken 358 00:25:31,631 --> 00:25:36,235 You go on livin' and steal somethin'... 359 00:25:36,268 --> 00:25:39,271 Jesus, Lizzie, you haven't slept in days. 360 00:25:41,307 --> 00:25:44,243 I had it perfect before. 361 00:25:44,276 --> 00:25:46,545 I know I can get it back. 362 00:25:48,314 --> 00:25:51,584 His words twist and grind and hammer out a story for the brain, 363 00:25:51,618 --> 00:25:54,353 but his guitar and voice go straight for your heart. 364 00:25:54,386 --> 00:25:56,355 Music bellows from his insides 365 00:25:56,388 --> 00:25:59,592 and out comes the struggles of the world. 366 00:25:59,626 --> 00:26:02,328 (whispering) Springsteen's like this garage-mechanic poet. 367 00:26:02,361 --> 00:26:05,665 The music bellows from his insides... 368 00:26:10,336 --> 00:26:13,305 ...and out comes the struggles of the world 369 00:26:13,339 --> 00:26:16,609 with the knowledge that comes with some perfect connection. 370 00:26:16,643 --> 00:26:18,377 It's like he feels with the knowledge that goes back through the ages 371 00:26:18,410 --> 00:26:23,082 to a single core in our brains, a beacon that can be touched. 372 00:26:23,115 --> 00:26:24,651 He has the powers of both pure emotion, 373 00:26:24,684 --> 00:26:26,653 emotion so intense, the body is flooded 374 00:26:26,686 --> 00:26:29,255 and literally must do something. 375 00:26:32,659 --> 00:26:36,663 (whispering continues) 376 00:26:46,806 --> 00:26:48,641 Fuck. 377 00:26:48,675 --> 00:26:50,643 She still hasn't slept. 378 00:26:50,677 --> 00:26:54,080 (whispering) So we tap our feet and we cry, we dance, and the sweat rains off us... 379 00:26:54,113 --> 00:26:56,315 Lizzie. 380 00:26:56,348 --> 00:26:58,651 Lizzie! (whispering stops) 381 00:26:58,685 --> 00:27:01,721 I don't know how to say this to you, all right, 382 00:27:01,754 --> 00:27:04,657 but you are starting to smell. 383 00:27:04,691 --> 00:27:06,793 This is important. 384 00:27:06,826 --> 00:27:10,697 Lizzie, it's not as important as your health, all right? You gotta get some sleep. 385 00:27:10,730 --> 00:27:13,199 Will you just fuck off? 386 00:27:13,232 --> 00:27:16,803 I just have to finish this. 387 00:27:16,836 --> 00:27:19,806 I can get you some downers, OK? 388 00:27:19,839 --> 00:27:23,175 Yeah? (man) Yeah, yeah, sure. 389 00:27:25,177 --> 00:27:28,247 Noah! Noah, come on, give it to me. Noah! 390 00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:30,249 Lizzie, this is just scribbling. 391 00:27:30,282 --> 00:27:32,151 What?! What the fuck? Asshole! 392 00:27:32,184 --> 00:27:34,353 Stop it! Noah! Noah, stop that! 393 00:27:34,386 --> 00:27:36,355 Jesus! She's turning into the Harvard bag lady. 394 00:27:36,388 --> 00:27:39,826 What the hell do you think you're doing? (banging on door) 395 00:27:39,859 --> 00:27:41,260 She needs something. What? 396 00:27:41,293 --> 00:27:44,363 I don't know. Some kind of medical help. Ruby! 397 00:27:44,396 --> 00:27:46,365 ...all your papers. It's OK, Lizzie. 398 00:27:46,398 --> 00:27:50,202 I got 'em, I got 'em, I got 'em, I got 'em. It's all right. 399 00:27:50,236 --> 00:27:52,839 (whispering) 400 00:27:59,178 --> 00:28:01,848 Lizzie. Lizzie. 401 00:28:01,881 --> 00:28:04,216 You gotta calm down, OK? 402 00:28:04,250 --> 00:28:06,786 That's not what you said when I had your dick in my mouth. 403 00:28:15,995 --> 00:28:18,397 Have you had any drugs in the last 24 hours? 404 00:28:18,430 --> 00:28:19,631 No. 405 00:28:19,665 --> 00:28:24,236 Well, I guess I snorted some coke and smoked some pot, 406 00:28:24,270 --> 00:28:27,439 but, you know, that was just to make the ecstasy last longer. 407 00:28:27,473 --> 00:28:29,876 Sure you're not forgetting anything? 408 00:28:29,909 --> 00:28:32,211 Maybe a few beers? 409 00:28:32,244 --> 00:28:35,381 Did you ever think you might have a substance-abuse problem? 410 00:28:35,414 --> 00:28:38,284 The only substance problem I have right now 411 00:28:38,317 --> 00:28:40,853 is that I need you to give me some tranqs 412 00:28:40,887 --> 00:28:43,389 so I can come down off this fucking coke. 413 00:28:43,422 --> 00:28:44,456 And then what happens? 414 00:28:46,558 --> 00:28:51,764 So, you don't like coming here, and you don't want to talk. 415 00:28:51,798 --> 00:28:53,332 You don't have to talk. 416 00:28:53,365 --> 00:28:56,035 You don't have to say anything you don't want to say. 417 00:28:56,068 --> 00:28:59,271 But if you don't say anything, if you don't talk to me, 418 00:28:59,305 --> 00:29:00,873 I can't help you. 419 00:29:02,474 --> 00:29:05,411 You know, if you're gonna suggest therapy, don't. 420 00:29:05,444 --> 00:29:07,446 I'm living proof it doesn't work. 421 00:29:07,479 --> 00:29:09,448 So what are you doing here, then? 422 00:29:09,481 --> 00:29:12,885 My friends brought me here. 423 00:29:12,919 --> 00:29:15,421 It had nothing to do with you? 424 00:29:15,454 --> 00:29:18,224 Are you gonna give me something, doctor? 425 00:29:18,424 --> 00:29:21,460 No. Not today. 426 00:29:32,538 --> 00:29:34,506 I'm falling. 427 00:29:34,540 --> 00:29:38,010 I can't even finish my article. 428 00:29:38,044 --> 00:29:41,013 Maybe Noah's right. It's all scribble. 429 00:29:41,047 --> 00:29:44,817 I don't really have anything original to say. 430 00:29:44,851 --> 00:29:46,853 Writing can't save me. 431 00:29:46,886 --> 00:29:49,956 Even Harvard can't save me. 432 00:29:49,989 --> 00:29:53,960 How can I escape from the demons in my head? 433 00:29:53,993 --> 00:29:56,495 So, what? Did she blow you, or did you go... wh-what? 434 00:29:56,528 --> 00:29:59,365 Yeah, she fuckin' blew me, all right? But I was... 435 00:29:59,398 --> 00:30:02,501 You fucking shithead. How fucking could you? 436 00:30:02,534 --> 00:30:05,304 How fucking... I... 437 00:30:05,337 --> 00:30:06,105 Lizzie! 438 00:30:06,138 --> 00:30:10,109 Lizzie, stop! (horn honks) 439 00:30:10,142 --> 00:30:11,510 Lizzie! 440 00:30:11,543 --> 00:30:14,080 Lizzie, I'm gonna fucking kill you. 441 00:30:14,113 --> 00:30:16,415 I'm gonna fucking kill you, you bitch. 442 00:30:16,448 --> 00:30:19,018 Sam told me. He told me everything. 443 00:30:19,051 --> 00:30:21,888 Losing your virginity, was that just some motherfucking lie? 444 00:30:21,921 --> 00:30:23,990 You don't understand, OK? 445 00:30:24,023 --> 00:30:26,325 You don't understand. It was an accident. 446 00:30:26,358 --> 00:30:29,361 An accident? You call that a fucking accident? 447 00:30:29,395 --> 00:30:32,932 It was... It was sort of, you know... 448 00:30:32,965 --> 00:30:35,567 Come on, what? An accidental blow job. 449 00:30:37,103 --> 00:30:38,537 Oh, fuck you. 450 00:30:38,570 --> 00:30:40,539 I could fucking kill you, Lizzie. 451 00:30:40,572 --> 00:30:43,309 (fading) I swear to God, I could fucking kill you. 452 00:30:43,342 --> 00:30:45,044 How could you do that? 453 00:30:45,077 --> 00:30:48,047 (silence) 454 00:30:52,551 --> 00:30:55,421 Hemingway has his classic moment in "The Sun Also Rises" 455 00:30:55,454 --> 00:31:00,492 when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt. 456 00:31:00,526 --> 00:31:05,164 All he can say is, "Gradually, then suddenly." 457 00:31:05,197 --> 00:31:06,565 That's how depression hits. 458 00:31:06,598 --> 00:31:10,569 You wake up one morning afraid that you're going to live. 459 00:31:13,439 --> 00:31:16,408 (mother) I can't believe we're back to this. 460 00:31:16,442 --> 00:31:17,543 You think I want to be like this? 461 00:31:17,576 --> 00:31:22,348 I don't know. I don't know, Lizzie. 462 00:31:22,381 --> 00:31:26,052 I thought everything was gonna be OK. 463 00:31:26,085 --> 00:31:29,155 I was so proud of you at Harvard. 464 00:31:31,423 --> 00:31:34,426 Is it because I haven't come to see you? No, Mom. 465 00:31:34,460 --> 00:31:36,428 I thought all this was behind us, 466 00:31:36,462 --> 00:31:38,430 then I get a phone call to come... 467 00:31:38,464 --> 00:31:39,631 Mom, this has nothing to do with you. 468 00:31:47,606 --> 00:31:50,642 I mean, it's nothing you've done. 469 00:31:56,082 --> 00:31:57,483 Why did they move you here? 470 00:31:57,516 --> 00:31:59,618 I asked for a single room. 471 00:31:59,651 --> 00:32:02,454 Why? 472 00:32:02,488 --> 00:32:03,655 Reasons of mental instability. 473 00:32:03,689 --> 00:32:08,227 I told them I just... I can't live with other people. 474 00:32:08,260 --> 00:32:10,696 You told them... 475 00:32:10,729 --> 00:32:12,464 You said that? 476 00:32:12,498 --> 00:32:14,533 Oh, Lizzie. 477 00:32:14,566 --> 00:32:16,535 Your education. 478 00:32:16,568 --> 00:32:19,405 This opportunity. 479 00:32:20,706 --> 00:32:23,075 I'm sorry, Mom. 480 00:32:26,212 --> 00:32:29,515 You know, I just can't cope with this. 481 00:32:29,548 --> 00:32:32,251 It's just all too much. 482 00:32:32,284 --> 00:32:35,021 It's all so crazy. 483 00:32:36,655 --> 00:32:39,558 I am not going to do this anymore! 484 00:32:45,531 --> 00:32:47,566 No, you listen to me. 485 00:32:47,599 --> 00:32:49,768 I raised her! 486 00:32:49,801 --> 00:32:53,505 I raised her all by myself with no help from you! 487 00:32:53,539 --> 00:32:54,806 No help from me? 488 00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:57,476 I'm the one that does everything, and I never get credit! 489 00:32:57,509 --> 00:33:00,546 You put yourself as the one who makes all the decisions, 490 00:33:00,579 --> 00:33:02,648 and they blow up in your face, do they not? 491 00:33:02,681 --> 00:33:06,118 What are you talking about?! You do nothing for her! 492 00:33:06,152 --> 00:33:09,655 You do nothing for her! You never even see her. 493 00:33:09,688 --> 00:33:11,690 You don't take her on vacations, 494 00:33:11,723 --> 00:33:14,026 you don't take her on the weekends. 495 00:33:14,060 --> 00:33:15,627 What the hell do you ever do for her, Donald? 496 00:33:15,661 --> 00:33:19,098 I'm her father. I put her in the clinic, and what do you do? 497 00:33:19,131 --> 00:33:20,499 You're looking in Manhattan. 498 00:33:20,532 --> 00:33:22,601 You son of a bitch! Goddamn, I hate you! 499 00:33:22,634 --> 00:33:27,173 I hate you, I hate you, you son of a bitch! 500 00:33:27,206 --> 00:33:30,176 Aah! 501 00:33:32,178 --> 00:33:33,612 What is wrong with you? 502 00:33:33,645 --> 00:33:35,481 Nothing. 503 00:33:36,515 --> 00:33:39,518 Oh, God. You're not... 504 00:33:39,551 --> 00:33:43,055 Pregnant? No, Mom. I'm not pregnant. 505 00:33:43,089 --> 00:33:46,058 Anyway, it's the '80s. That would hardly be a problem. 506 00:33:46,092 --> 00:33:48,794 Please, Lizzie, don't speak like that. 507 00:33:48,827 --> 00:33:50,762 What, then? 508 00:33:58,670 --> 00:34:02,241 I don't understand you, Lizzie. 509 00:34:09,248 --> 00:34:12,718 This place is filthy. I'll help you clean it up. 510 00:34:12,751 --> 00:34:13,652 Mom, no. 511 00:34:15,621 --> 00:34:20,058 I don't have a simple solution, OK? 512 00:34:22,628 --> 00:34:26,765 I don't know what to do, Lizzie. 513 00:34:26,798 --> 00:34:30,202 I've taken a couple days off work. No, you can't. 514 00:34:30,236 --> 00:34:32,771 I wanna help. 515 00:34:32,804 --> 00:34:35,307 God knows I can't afford it, but... 516 00:34:35,341 --> 00:34:38,877 I'm much better by myself, OK? 517 00:34:38,910 --> 00:34:40,679 If I'd known you'd react like this... 518 00:34:43,415 --> 00:34:47,186 Look, I have to study. 519 00:34:47,219 --> 00:34:51,123 You know, I've been working really hard, and I just... 520 00:34:51,157 --> 00:34:53,125 I've been having a difficult time. 521 00:34:53,159 --> 00:34:55,294 I just needed a few days. 522 00:34:56,828 --> 00:34:59,131 I'm so worried about you, Lizzie. 523 00:34:59,165 --> 00:35:01,400 I promise I'll take care of myself. 524 00:35:01,433 --> 00:35:03,835 OK? 525 00:35:03,869 --> 00:35:05,671 And I'll come and see you. 526 00:35:05,704 --> 00:35:08,674 (laughs) I've seen enough already. 527 00:35:08,707 --> 00:35:11,643 We'll spend time together in New York. 528 00:35:11,677 --> 00:35:13,679 Please? I promise. 529 00:35:13,712 --> 00:35:18,684 I just have all this work I have to finish here. 530 00:35:18,717 --> 00:35:20,919 Maybe for your birthday. 531 00:35:20,952 --> 00:35:24,256 Hmm? Yeah. 532 00:35:24,290 --> 00:35:26,925 I promise I will be home for my birthday. 533 00:35:26,958 --> 00:35:28,927 We can celebrate. 534 00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:32,298 We'll have a party. OK. 535 00:35:32,331 --> 00:35:36,168 I'll make those pear tarts that you like. 536 00:35:36,202 --> 00:35:37,669 That would be great. 537 00:35:37,703 --> 00:35:40,606 ( rock) 538 00:35:41,640 --> 00:35:44,710 Hey. 539 00:35:49,415 --> 00:35:50,949 (glass shatters) 540 00:35:50,982 --> 00:35:52,618 Lizzie, I love you dearly, really, I do, 541 00:35:52,651 --> 00:35:55,387 but you can only hang out in my room 542 00:35:55,421 --> 00:35:57,389 if you don't drink or do drugs. 543 00:35:57,423 --> 00:35:59,691 Come on, you can't be serious. 544 00:35:59,725 --> 00:36:00,426 Totally. 545 00:36:00,459 --> 00:36:03,329 Just say no. 546 00:36:04,863 --> 00:36:08,234 But, Noah, there's no reason to be in your room sober. 547 00:36:13,772 --> 00:36:16,442 I want to explain to Noah how exhausted I am, 548 00:36:16,475 --> 00:36:18,677 even in my dreams, 549 00:36:18,710 --> 00:36:21,747 how I wake up tired, 550 00:36:21,780 --> 00:36:24,416 how I'm being drowned by some kind of black wave, 551 00:36:24,450 --> 00:36:27,319 but I can't write 552 00:36:27,353 --> 00:36:30,789 and he doesn't really want to know about it, anyway. 553 00:36:43,502 --> 00:36:45,971 (man) There you go. Thank you. 554 00:36:46,004 --> 00:36:48,807 Hi. 555 00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:50,376 Hi. 556 00:36:57,983 --> 00:37:00,686 Ruby, this is crazy. We have to talk. 557 00:37:00,719 --> 00:37:04,890 You know, I'd really rather not. 558 00:37:04,923 --> 00:37:07,393 I'm sorry. You know that. 559 00:37:07,426 --> 00:37:11,297 And I have no excuse. 560 00:37:11,330 --> 00:37:13,399 So then why? Why'd you do it? 561 00:37:13,432 --> 00:37:17,936 You know, I'm just really fucked up. 562 00:37:17,969 --> 00:37:20,406 I'm like a defective model, 563 00:37:20,439 --> 00:37:22,408 and you don't know that 564 00:37:22,441 --> 00:37:25,711 until you've been around me a while. 565 00:37:25,744 --> 00:37:28,780 You know, some days I wake up 566 00:37:28,814 --> 00:37:31,817 and I just feel so flat-out fucked 567 00:37:31,850 --> 00:37:34,019 that I'll do anything to feel different. 568 00:37:34,052 --> 00:37:35,421 Lizzie, when we're together, you're fine. 569 00:37:35,454 --> 00:37:39,291 You're fun, you're... I'm faking it. 570 00:37:39,325 --> 00:37:40,759 Well, everybody does that. 571 00:37:40,792 --> 00:37:41,727 Not like me. 572 00:37:43,462 --> 00:37:47,366 Look, we all have bad days. 573 00:37:47,399 --> 00:37:49,435 This is what people say in situations 574 00:37:49,468 --> 00:37:51,470 when they don't know what else to say. 575 00:37:51,503 --> 00:37:54,373 Fuck. 576 00:37:54,406 --> 00:37:56,508 I don't know what to suggest, either. 577 00:37:58,810 --> 00:38:00,812 People care about you, Lizzie. 578 00:38:01,513 --> 00:38:04,450 What I want is for someone to understand, 579 00:38:04,483 --> 00:38:06,352 but they don't, really, 580 00:38:06,385 --> 00:38:07,553 and that makes the platitudes harder to bear. 581 00:38:07,586 --> 00:38:10,055 They do. People want to help, all right? 582 00:38:10,088 --> 00:38:13,425 I want to help you, but I don't know what to do. 583 00:38:13,459 --> 00:38:16,895 You know, I don't really need the company line right now, OK? 584 00:38:18,464 --> 00:38:19,865 OK. 585 00:38:19,898 --> 00:38:23,602 Jesus. Listen to me. 586 00:38:23,635 --> 00:38:26,472 All I see is the dark side of everything. 587 00:38:26,505 --> 00:38:29,875 Poor Ruby. 588 00:38:29,908 --> 00:38:32,043 I kill her joy. 589 00:38:32,077 --> 00:38:34,613 Look at her sad, discouraged face. 590 00:38:34,646 --> 00:38:36,782 Lizzie, I don't know what to say. 591 00:38:38,984 --> 00:38:42,554 How about, "Shit. Call in the professionals"? 592 00:38:53,665 --> 00:38:56,468 So I guess this is the Freud part, where I don't say anything, 593 00:38:56,502 --> 00:38:58,470 and then you don't say anything. 594 00:38:58,504 --> 00:39:00,439 All of a sudden, it's... 595 00:39:00,472 --> 00:39:03,542 (German accent) "Obviously you wish to sleep with your father." 596 00:39:03,575 --> 00:39:07,078 So I'm to take it you don't wish to sleep with your father? 597 00:39:07,112 --> 00:39:08,346 (normal voice) No. 598 00:39:11,417 --> 00:39:13,952 And I don't want to talk about my childhood, either. 599 00:39:16,922 --> 00:39:20,526 I don't know why I'm here. 600 00:39:20,559 --> 00:39:23,562 Why might you be here? 601 00:39:25,196 --> 00:39:28,667 I can't write. 602 00:39:28,700 --> 00:39:32,003 What do you write about? 603 00:39:32,037 --> 00:39:35,607 I write stories, poems, articles. 604 00:39:35,641 --> 00:39:37,576 I'm here on a journalism scholarship. 605 00:39:40,612 --> 00:39:44,550 I'm writing forever. I have to. 606 00:39:44,583 --> 00:39:48,554 How long has it been since you stopped writing? 607 00:39:48,587 --> 00:39:52,458 About a month. 608 00:39:52,491 --> 00:39:55,461 Do you remember the first thing you wrote? 609 00:39:55,494 --> 00:39:56,962 A poem. 610 00:39:56,995 --> 00:39:59,465 A poem. About what? 611 00:39:59,498 --> 00:40:00,932 My dad. 612 00:40:00,966 --> 00:40:03,435 Can you remember anything that it said? 613 00:40:03,469 --> 00:40:06,137 I told you, I don't want to talk about my childhood. 614 00:40:09,608 --> 00:40:11,577 I just... I feel so stupid sitting in therapy. 615 00:40:11,610 --> 00:40:14,580 A lot of people have much harder childhoods than mine. 616 00:40:14,613 --> 00:40:17,616 But we're not talking about other people. We're talking about you. 617 00:40:17,649 --> 00:40:21,019 I'll give her that much. 618 00:40:21,052 --> 00:40:22,521 I'm the problem. 619 00:40:24,556 --> 00:40:27,926 I worry about being in therapy. 620 00:40:27,959 --> 00:40:30,028 I worry about not being in therapy. 621 00:40:30,061 --> 00:40:33,632 I even worry I'm not entertaining enough for Dr. Sterling. 622 00:40:33,665 --> 00:40:37,503 I just keep thinking that if I could just be normal... 623 00:40:37,536 --> 00:40:41,507 You know, if I could just get out of bed in the morning, everything would be OK. 624 00:40:41,540 --> 00:40:44,510 OK, well, what do you think normal is? 625 00:40:46,044 --> 00:40:48,213 Most people, you know, they cut themselves, 626 00:40:48,246 --> 00:40:50,949 they put a Band-Aid on, they keep going. 627 00:40:50,982 --> 00:40:54,486 Mm-hmm, and what do you do? I just keep bleeding. 628 00:40:54,520 --> 00:40:56,488 So you think that being normal 629 00:40:56,522 --> 00:40:59,024 is having a wound, putting a patch on it 630 00:40:59,057 --> 00:41:00,025 and then just go on with your life? 631 00:41:00,058 --> 00:41:03,128 Isn't that what functioning is? 632 00:41:03,161 --> 00:41:06,031 Isn't that what living is? 633 00:41:06,064 --> 00:41:09,100 You know, you keep going, no matter what happens to you. 634 00:41:09,134 --> 00:41:11,670 Is that the way you want to live? 635 00:41:37,796 --> 00:41:38,964 Mom. 636 00:41:42,033 --> 00:41:44,069 Aw, come on, now, honey. 637 00:41:44,102 --> 00:41:46,538 Why don't you tie up your hair anymore, huh? 638 00:41:46,572 --> 00:41:48,607 Your face is so pretty. 639 00:41:48,640 --> 00:41:51,743 (doorbell ringing) 640 00:41:51,777 --> 00:41:54,012 Here they are. 641 00:41:56,582 --> 00:41:59,585 OK. Phew. 642 00:41:59,618 --> 00:42:01,687 Come on, now, Lizzie. 643 00:42:07,726 --> 00:42:09,595 Oh! 644 00:42:09,628 --> 00:42:12,130 Honey! Oh! 645 00:42:13,865 --> 00:42:15,734 Hi, Daddy. 646 00:42:15,767 --> 00:42:17,569 Is she home, dear? 647 00:42:17,603 --> 00:42:20,271 (mother) Come in. Yes, she's home. 648 00:42:26,211 --> 00:42:27,613 I need someone to shut off my brain 649 00:42:27,646 --> 00:42:31,216 and turn on my heart. 650 00:42:31,249 --> 00:42:36,021 Well, I have long brown hair, dark eyes... 651 00:42:36,054 --> 00:42:39,124 But, hey, you probably meet tons of girls in the men's bathroom. 652 00:42:39,157 --> 00:42:42,360 (Rafe) Oh, yeah. The ecstasy goddess. 653 00:42:42,393 --> 00:42:44,362 Yes. I can't believe you remember that. 654 00:42:44,395 --> 00:42:47,265 (knock at door) Lizzie. 655 00:42:51,069 --> 00:42:54,072 Can you hang on a sec? 656 00:42:54,105 --> 00:42:56,241 Grandma and Grandpa are here. 657 00:42:56,274 --> 00:42:58,610 Yes, I heard. 658 00:42:58,644 --> 00:43:01,379 (softly) You know, the only reason I threw a birthday party 659 00:43:01,412 --> 00:43:03,682 was to make you happy. 660 00:43:05,416 --> 00:43:08,353 I don't understand how you can treat me like this. 661 00:43:08,386 --> 00:43:12,323 Mom, can I have some privacy, please? 662 00:43:14,660 --> 00:43:17,796 (slams) 663 00:43:21,099 --> 00:43:22,333 That was my mother. 664 00:43:22,367 --> 00:43:27,105 It's my birthday, and she's throwing this big party for me. 665 00:43:27,138 --> 00:43:28,640 Cool. 666 00:43:28,674 --> 00:43:31,710 Well, no, actually, it's not. 667 00:43:31,743 --> 00:43:34,780 It's just me and my mother and my grandparents. 668 00:43:34,813 --> 00:43:36,782 I haven't even been out there yet. 669 00:43:36,815 --> 00:43:38,650 Aren't they missing you? 670 00:43:38,684 --> 00:43:41,152 Well, now you sound like a nice Jewish boy. 671 00:43:41,186 --> 00:43:45,090 Well, I might, if I was Jewish. 672 00:43:45,123 --> 00:43:47,392 Well, I just wanted to call and say hi. 673 00:43:47,425 --> 00:43:50,395 Well, let's meet up when you get back to school. 674 00:43:50,428 --> 00:43:52,664 OK. That'd be great. 675 00:43:52,698 --> 00:43:56,702 Hey, um, happy birthday. 676 00:43:59,170 --> 00:44:00,706 Thank you. 677 00:44:02,841 --> 00:44:04,910 Rafe didn't seem to realize 678 00:44:04,943 --> 00:44:07,746 he'd just been appointed to save my life. 679 00:44:09,715 --> 00:44:13,184 Rolling Stone magazine. 680 00:44:13,218 --> 00:44:15,386 It's the music magazine. 681 00:44:15,420 --> 00:44:19,691 That's wonderful, honey! 682 00:44:19,725 --> 00:44:22,761 They want her to work for them. Yeah. 683 00:44:22,794 --> 00:44:24,896 Paid work for Rolling Stone. 684 00:44:24,930 --> 00:44:26,865 They'll pay her! 685 00:44:33,772 --> 00:44:37,709 I think she was up writing late last night. Ah. 686 00:44:37,743 --> 00:44:40,211 Were you up writing late last night, honey? 687 00:44:40,245 --> 00:44:43,982 I haven't written anything in months. 688 00:44:44,015 --> 00:44:46,151 She's always working on something. 689 00:44:46,184 --> 00:44:48,419 She just doesn't like to talk about it. 690 00:44:48,453 --> 00:44:51,356 Oh, like you've ever read any of it. 691 00:44:55,761 --> 00:44:58,496 Lizzie, this isn't very nice. 692 00:44:58,529 --> 00:45:00,398 You want one? 693 00:45:09,507 --> 00:45:13,812 What's wrong with her? 694 00:45:13,845 --> 00:45:16,481 Nothing! Ma, nothing's wrong with her. 695 00:45:16,514 --> 00:45:19,417 She's drunk. 'Course I'm drunk. 696 00:45:19,450 --> 00:45:20,518 She's just tired. 697 00:45:20,551 --> 00:45:22,788 She's as skinny as a ghost. 698 00:45:22,821 --> 00:45:25,757 She's overtired. They work so hard up there. 699 00:45:25,791 --> 00:45:28,927 Lizzie. Is she on drugs? 700 00:45:28,960 --> 00:45:32,297 Oh, I wish I was on drugs. Lizzie. 701 00:45:32,330 --> 00:45:34,265 Did she say that she... 702 00:45:34,299 --> 00:45:36,534 No, Ma. It's OK. Everything is OK. 703 00:45:36,567 --> 00:45:39,905 Mom, believe me, if I was on drugs, I'd tell you. 704 00:45:39,938 --> 00:45:43,041 People don't behave this way if they're not on drugs. 705 00:45:43,074 --> 00:45:45,844 I fucking do. 706 00:45:56,888 --> 00:45:58,957 I'm so sorry, Mama. 707 00:46:09,067 --> 00:46:11,536 I dream about all the things I wish I'd said, 708 00:46:11,569 --> 00:46:15,506 the opposite of what came out of my mouth. 709 00:46:15,540 --> 00:46:19,310 I wish I'd said, "Mom, please forgive me. 710 00:46:19,344 --> 00:46:20,478 "Please help me. 711 00:46:20,511 --> 00:46:25,416 I know I have no right to behave this way." 712 00:46:26,584 --> 00:46:29,888 (phone ringing) 713 00:46:38,129 --> 00:46:40,065 Hello. (man) Hey. 714 00:46:40,098 --> 00:46:43,401 Hi. How's my birthday girl? 715 00:46:43,434 --> 00:46:45,570 You're late. You're a day late. 716 00:46:45,603 --> 00:46:48,406 What can I say? You know how it is. 717 00:46:48,439 --> 00:46:49,707 Anyway, you know what? 718 00:46:49,740 --> 00:46:51,977 I thought I'd have to be dealing with your secretary by now, 719 00:46:52,010 --> 00:46:54,079 you're such a big-shot journalist 720 00:46:54,112 --> 00:46:55,546 writing for Rolling Stone. 721 00:46:55,580 --> 00:46:57,548 Did you read it? 722 00:46:57,582 --> 00:47:00,351 You know, I want you to remember this, honey - they're lucky to have you. 723 00:47:00,385 --> 00:47:04,122 These guys, well, they're smart. They're really smart. 724 00:47:04,155 --> 00:47:06,491 They know what they're doing, and they can see talent. 725 00:47:06,524 --> 00:47:08,994 You know, I'm probably gonna get assignments all over the country, 726 00:47:09,027 --> 00:47:11,930 so I could maybe come visit you. 727 00:47:11,963 --> 00:47:15,400 Who are you talking to, Lizzie? 728 00:47:15,433 --> 00:47:16,434 It's no one. 729 00:47:16,467 --> 00:47:18,003 Who is it? 730 00:47:18,036 --> 00:47:20,438 Mom, it's no one. Don't listen to her. 731 00:47:20,471 --> 00:47:22,640 Please, Mom. (chuckles) 732 00:47:22,673 --> 00:47:25,110 Look at you, the two of you. 733 00:47:25,143 --> 00:47:27,045 Go on. You're so in love with him. Mom. 734 00:47:27,078 --> 00:47:29,881 Can you hear that? Do you hear why I don't call? 735 00:47:29,915 --> 00:47:32,017 Where was he your whole childhood? 736 00:47:32,050 --> 00:47:33,885 Where? Stop it! Just stop it! 737 00:47:35,686 --> 00:47:38,523 I just wanted to talk to him. 738 00:47:38,556 --> 00:47:43,428 You know, Lizzie, I'm at the end of my rope. 739 00:47:43,461 --> 00:47:45,496 I've been working extra hours, 740 00:47:45,530 --> 00:47:50,035 I never go out, I never buy clothes. 741 00:47:50,068 --> 00:47:54,072 I spend all our money on your therapy. 742 00:47:54,105 --> 00:47:55,573 All our money? Daddy pays, Mom. 743 00:47:55,606 --> 00:47:59,978 You think he pays? 744 00:48:00,011 --> 00:48:02,580 You think he's paying? 745 00:48:02,613 --> 00:48:05,917 He doesn't pay one cent. 746 00:48:05,951 --> 00:48:10,055 Not one single red cent! 747 00:48:10,088 --> 00:48:11,622 That's not true. 748 00:48:13,091 --> 00:48:16,494 You want me to show you? Huh? You wanna see? 749 00:48:16,527 --> 00:48:20,198 You want to see how much I'm paying, 750 00:48:20,231 --> 00:48:24,069 still paying on your last term bill? Huh? 751 00:48:24,102 --> 00:48:26,104 Here. Here. Look at these. 752 00:48:26,137 --> 00:48:27,505 Look at these. There. Look at that, Lizzie. 753 00:48:27,538 --> 00:48:31,042 I'm sorry, Mom. Look at that last one. 754 00:48:31,076 --> 00:48:34,112 You want to see how much I'm paying this Dr. Sterling? 755 00:48:35,113 --> 00:48:37,182 I'm sorry. 756 00:48:37,215 --> 00:48:41,152 No, you're not going to talk your way out of this, Lizzie. Ask her who pays her! 757 00:48:43,654 --> 00:48:48,493 You know, it's my fault for spoiling you the way I did. 758 00:48:48,526 --> 00:48:50,628 I kill myself to get you to Harvard, 759 00:48:50,661 --> 00:48:52,998 and you come back looking like a zombie. 760 00:48:53,031 --> 00:48:56,968 I know. I'm sorry. 761 00:48:57,002 --> 00:48:57,668 I'm so... 762 00:48:57,702 --> 00:49:00,571 Why won't he? (sobbing) 763 00:49:03,008 --> 00:49:06,177 Why won't he? I know. I know, honey. I know. 764 00:49:06,211 --> 00:49:11,649 Oh, and I hate myself. I hate the things I do. 765 00:49:11,682 --> 00:49:16,121 Lizzie, Lizzie, it's all right. It's all right. 766 00:49:16,154 --> 00:49:18,256 It's awful. 767 00:49:18,289 --> 00:49:23,094 It's awful. It's so awful. 768 00:49:23,128 --> 00:49:26,464 And I... I hurt the people who love me. 769 00:49:26,497 --> 00:49:29,234 But when he calls... 770 00:49:35,773 --> 00:49:38,009 My God, a party? 771 00:49:38,043 --> 00:49:41,246 And your stupid pear tart. 772 00:49:47,785 --> 00:49:49,254 Why do you do this, Lizzie? 773 00:49:49,287 --> 00:49:53,458 'Cause I'm not your goddamn monkey! 774 00:49:58,563 --> 00:50:02,567 (sobbing) I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. 775 00:50:03,301 --> 00:50:07,072 I didn't mean it. 776 00:50:07,105 --> 00:50:08,673 I'm sorry. 777 00:50:16,647 --> 00:50:21,319 (Dr. Sterling) She threw the party for herself? 778 00:50:21,352 --> 00:50:23,088 I guess for Grandma. 779 00:50:23,121 --> 00:50:25,623 Why would she want to do that? 780 00:50:28,293 --> 00:50:31,762 To show her what a good little girl she was. 781 00:50:31,796 --> 00:50:35,066 That must really hurt. 782 00:50:35,100 --> 00:50:39,737 Look at her. This isn't a breakthrough, darling. 783 00:50:39,770 --> 00:50:44,542 My Mom pays $100 an hour for this. 784 00:50:44,575 --> 00:50:47,745 This is the same bullshit. Insight time. 785 00:50:47,778 --> 00:50:50,081 It's like that stuff with that guy Rafe. 786 00:50:50,115 --> 00:50:53,251 I don't have to be Freud to know I have a fear of rejection. 787 00:50:53,284 --> 00:50:56,221 And I know where it comes from. I know it's from my dad. 788 00:50:56,254 --> 00:51:00,658 But it doesn't change anything. I still can't go out with him. 789 00:51:00,691 --> 00:51:02,527 Why not? 790 00:51:02,560 --> 00:51:04,529 I just told you. 791 00:51:07,132 --> 00:51:10,135 You didn't tell me anything about Rafe. 792 00:51:10,168 --> 00:51:12,737 Has he ever given you any reason to believe that he would reject you? 793 00:51:21,679 --> 00:51:26,251 Do not show him how crazy you are. 794 00:51:26,284 --> 00:51:28,619 A monkey? Called Percy. 795 00:51:28,653 --> 00:51:31,822 I know, it beats me. She said she needed someone to talk to. 796 00:51:31,856 --> 00:51:34,792 Well, she had you. No, no. This was before. 797 00:51:34,825 --> 00:51:37,695 Are you listening? God, yes. 798 00:51:37,728 --> 00:51:39,730 I'm not boring you? 799 00:51:39,764 --> 00:51:43,768 Please, Lizzie, I met you in a men's room. You're anything but boring. 800 00:51:43,801 --> 00:51:45,370 What am I? 801 00:51:46,604 --> 00:51:47,672 Scary. 802 00:51:50,775 --> 00:51:55,146 So, are we gonna go to this gig? 803 00:51:55,180 --> 00:51:58,583 I'm not sure. I don't really know where it is. 804 00:51:58,616 --> 00:52:03,321 You came to see a gig, and you don't know where it is? 805 00:52:03,354 --> 00:52:07,225 I said I came to see the gig. 806 00:52:07,258 --> 00:52:09,660 Uh-huh. 807 00:52:09,694 --> 00:52:10,428 You know. 808 00:52:10,461 --> 00:52:13,364 What? 809 00:52:13,398 --> 00:52:16,167 OK, now you're just being cruel. 810 00:52:16,201 --> 00:52:18,836 No, no. You said... 811 00:52:18,869 --> 00:52:22,707 I said I came to see the gig, but... 812 00:52:22,740 --> 00:52:23,608 I came to see you. 813 00:52:46,264 --> 00:52:49,367 Waiting, waiting, waiting. 814 00:52:50,668 --> 00:52:53,871 Waiting for him to make the move. 815 00:52:56,974 --> 00:52:58,443 Doesn't he know? 816 00:52:58,476 --> 00:53:02,179 He's gotta be my salvation. 817 00:53:09,720 --> 00:53:16,694 It's lovely that he's caring, compassionate and politically correct, 818 00:53:16,727 --> 00:53:18,796 but I need him to kiss me. 819 00:53:18,829 --> 00:53:20,731 Right now. 820 00:54:07,445 --> 00:54:08,479 Ruby! 821 00:54:10,014 --> 00:54:11,382 Ruby! 822 00:54:17,488 --> 00:54:18,489 Hey. 823 00:54:18,523 --> 00:54:20,791 Hey. 824 00:54:20,825 --> 00:54:22,793 I didn't know you'd moved room. I thought you were still in here. 825 00:54:26,331 --> 00:54:31,969 Ruby was just telling me all about those articles that you're planning to write. 826 00:54:32,002 --> 00:54:34,739 That stuff's always been easy for me. 827 00:54:38,108 --> 00:54:41,512 Dr. Sterling must have called him. 828 00:54:41,546 --> 00:54:44,749 Why else would he be here? 829 00:54:44,782 --> 00:54:47,852 Probably to see how dire the situation is, 830 00:54:47,885 --> 00:54:50,488 see if his little girl can get through the day still. 831 00:54:50,521 --> 00:54:52,790 Or... 832 00:54:52,823 --> 00:54:56,293 maybe he really did finally miss me. 833 00:54:57,528 --> 00:54:58,896 That's my girl. 834 00:55:01,999 --> 00:55:04,001 Dad, you know those medical bills? 835 00:55:04,034 --> 00:55:07,372 The ones for the psychiatric treatment? 836 00:55:07,405 --> 00:55:08,373 Uh-huh. 837 00:55:08,406 --> 00:55:10,875 They keep sending them to Mom. 838 00:55:10,908 --> 00:55:13,511 So I guess you haven't paid. 839 00:55:13,544 --> 00:55:16,614 I can't even believe you're asking me this. Oh, you have paid? 840 00:55:16,647 --> 00:55:19,850 You're all cold and distant, 841 00:55:19,884 --> 00:55:23,388 and now you're asking me what? 842 00:55:23,421 --> 00:55:25,556 What are you talking about? 843 00:55:25,590 --> 00:55:26,991 If you don't know... 844 00:55:27,024 --> 00:55:31,429 No. No, I don't know. You made a promise. 845 00:55:31,462 --> 00:55:35,533 You haven't written me. You never call me. 846 00:55:35,566 --> 00:55:37,535 It's like I don't even exist. 847 00:55:37,568 --> 00:55:38,636 Who do you think you're talking to? 848 00:55:38,669 --> 00:55:43,140 I even come and visit you. Fuck you. 849 00:55:43,173 --> 00:55:44,509 You watch that language. No. 850 00:55:44,542 --> 00:55:45,610 Is that any way to talk to your father? 851 00:55:45,643 --> 00:55:47,645 Listen to me. You're the one who left. 852 00:55:47,678 --> 00:55:50,648 You're the one who walked away for four years. 853 00:55:50,681 --> 00:55:53,384 You think I don't know that? 854 00:55:53,418 --> 00:55:55,553 Is that what you think? You think I don't feel it? 855 00:55:55,586 --> 00:55:57,588 Do you think that it's easy for me, 856 00:55:57,622 --> 00:55:59,590 away from you? 857 00:55:59,624 --> 00:56:02,660 I hated the effect it had on you - 858 00:56:02,693 --> 00:56:06,063 your mother and myself. 859 00:56:06,096 --> 00:56:08,633 I hated watching you get trapped right in the middle of everything, 860 00:56:08,666 --> 00:56:09,634 in between the two of us. 861 00:56:09,667 --> 00:56:10,868 Dad, please. You know... 862 00:56:10,901 --> 00:56:12,537 Please! 863 00:56:12,570 --> 00:56:18,075 You're my father and you won't even pay my medical bills, 864 00:56:18,108 --> 00:56:21,546 even though it won't cost you anything. 865 00:56:21,579 --> 00:56:23,380 All you have to do is sign the papers. 866 00:56:27,452 --> 00:56:31,055 It's 10%. It's, like, nothing. 867 00:56:31,088 --> 00:56:32,289 No. 868 00:56:32,322 --> 00:56:34,692 I lost my apartment, everything, when we got divorced. 869 00:56:34,725 --> 00:56:38,496 It won't cost you anything. 870 00:56:38,529 --> 00:56:40,465 Sorry, Lizzie. 871 00:56:40,498 --> 00:56:43,033 It's your mother's responsibility. 872 00:56:45,536 --> 00:56:47,472 What do you want me to do? 873 00:56:47,505 --> 00:56:50,641 You want me to slit my wrists so that I'll qualify as a trauma case... 874 00:56:50,675 --> 00:56:54,512 This is killing me, too. 875 00:56:54,545 --> 00:56:58,048 This is killing me. I mean, I feel so powerless. 876 00:56:58,082 --> 00:57:02,019 I look back at all the mistakes that I made, I made a lot of mistakes, 877 00:57:02,052 --> 00:57:04,455 and there's really nothing I can do. 878 00:57:04,489 --> 00:57:06,156 What am I gonna do? 879 00:57:12,730 --> 00:57:14,431 Hey, you. 880 00:57:15,733 --> 00:57:16,901 Hi. 881 00:57:28,045 --> 00:57:30,648 Guess who. 882 00:57:30,681 --> 00:57:32,983 What are you doing? 883 00:57:33,017 --> 00:57:36,654 Nothing. Just walking. 884 00:57:36,687 --> 00:57:39,089 Walking with somebody. 885 00:57:39,123 --> 00:57:42,560 Don't be ridiculous. I could be walking with a girl. 886 00:57:42,593 --> 00:57:44,595 OK, fine. You're right, it's a boy. 887 00:57:47,297 --> 00:57:48,633 He's tall. 888 00:57:48,666 --> 00:57:51,736 Very tall. 889 00:57:51,769 --> 00:57:54,171 Of course he's taller than me. 890 00:57:54,204 --> 00:57:57,141 How tall are you? 891 00:57:57,174 --> 00:57:58,776 Tall enough. 892 00:57:58,809 --> 00:58:01,646 I'd say 6 feet. 893 00:58:01,679 --> 00:58:06,183 Long lashes, brown eyes. 894 00:58:06,216 --> 00:58:09,720 He's kinda got that sexy-intellectual-preppy thing going on. 895 00:58:13,758 --> 00:58:16,994 What? Oh, cool. Yeah, I will. 896 00:58:17,027 --> 00:58:19,263 I'll ask him as soon as I hang up. 897 00:58:19,296 --> 00:58:20,965 All right. OK. 898 00:58:20,998 --> 00:58:22,700 Bye. Bye. 899 00:58:22,733 --> 00:58:28,205 Well? Who now thinks of me as a sexy intellectual? 900 00:58:28,238 --> 00:58:29,574 My mom. 901 00:58:29,607 --> 00:58:31,141 Oh. 902 00:58:31,175 --> 00:58:32,710 She wants us to come visit over the holidays. 903 00:58:32,743 --> 00:58:35,680 She just moved. I'm going, anyway. 904 00:58:35,713 --> 00:58:37,615 ( "Das Testament des Dr. Mabuse" by Propaganda) 905 00:59:16,220 --> 00:59:20,157 Why does it hurt when my heart misses the beat? 906 00:59:26,731 --> 00:59:30,635 He's devoted to the devil, fascinated by crime 907 00:59:30,668 --> 00:59:36,206 Glamorous death is his destination 908 00:59:36,240 --> 00:59:39,276 Eternal passion 909 00:59:39,309 --> 00:59:41,178 His gain 910 00:59:43,881 --> 00:59:48,085 Sell him your soul, sell him your soul, sell him your soul 911 00:59:48,118 --> 00:59:49,186 Never look back 912 00:59:54,358 --> 00:59:58,295 Every time I'm with him, I see myself doing these horrible things. 913 00:59:58,328 --> 01:00:00,898 And I hate myself for it, but I just... I can't stop. 914 01:00:00,931 --> 01:00:04,334 OK, let's say that you could. What would you do differently? 915 01:00:07,905 --> 01:00:12,777 So when I saw you with her, I just... I don't know. 916 01:00:12,810 --> 01:00:14,879 I mean, I know it's crazy, 917 01:00:14,912 --> 01:00:16,914 but, uh... 918 01:00:16,947 --> 01:00:19,717 I can't help it. I just have these feelings. 919 01:00:23,353 --> 01:00:25,690 I'm sorry. I didn't... 920 01:00:25,723 --> 01:00:27,291 I didn't realize. 921 01:00:29,326 --> 01:00:31,662 Hey, it's gonna happen. 922 01:00:31,696 --> 01:00:34,631 Beautiful women just throw themselves at me. 923 01:00:44,742 --> 01:00:47,211 It's Earl Grey. Shit. Sorry. 924 01:00:47,244 --> 01:00:49,213 I'll get you another. It's OK. Forget it. 925 01:00:49,246 --> 01:00:51,248 No, it's no problem. I said I don't want it. 926 01:00:51,281 --> 01:00:53,317 Could we get another Earl Grey over here, please? 927 01:00:53,350 --> 01:00:55,119 I said I don't want it. 928 01:00:55,152 --> 01:00:58,222 Would you relax, Lizzie? It's just a goddamn cup of tea, OK? 929 01:00:58,255 --> 01:01:01,225 Don't yell at me. Just don't be ridiculous, OK? 930 01:01:02,292 --> 01:01:04,428 You fucked her, didn't you? 931 01:01:04,461 --> 01:01:06,430 What? Are you crazy? 932 01:01:06,463 --> 01:01:07,531 Don't yell at me. 933 01:01:07,564 --> 01:01:09,934 You know, I really don't know what the problem is. 934 01:01:09,967 --> 01:01:13,738 Why don't you just keep fucking her, if that's what you want? 935 01:01:19,276 --> 01:01:20,845 Just go away! Lizzie! 936 01:01:23,848 --> 01:01:28,385 Hey, Lizzie, listen. Lizzie. Come on. 937 01:01:28,418 --> 01:01:30,721 I'm sorry, OK? 938 01:01:30,755 --> 01:01:34,859 I'm s... I'm sorry. I didn't understand how upset you are. 939 01:01:34,892 --> 01:01:40,865 It's not your fault, right? It's my fault. 940 01:01:40,898 --> 01:01:43,267 You're gonna leave me, aren't you? 941 01:01:43,300 --> 01:01:44,835 No, I could never... 942 01:01:49,306 --> 01:01:50,707 I love you. 943 01:01:52,309 --> 01:01:53,710 Why? 944 01:01:59,817 --> 01:02:03,253 There's nothing you feel that... 945 01:02:03,287 --> 01:02:07,324 that you don't feel right down to the bottom of yourself. 946 01:02:07,357 --> 01:02:09,359 You're incredible. 947 01:02:23,808 --> 01:02:26,743 I understand now how people sometimes want to kill their lovers... 948 01:02:30,380 --> 01:02:32,817 eat their lovers, 949 01:02:32,850 --> 01:02:36,486 inhale the ashes of their dead lovers. 950 01:02:37,988 --> 01:02:41,458 It's the only way to possess another person. 951 01:03:04,048 --> 01:03:06,984 My mom's gonna love you. 952 01:03:11,321 --> 01:03:13,523 You want juice? Sure. 953 01:03:18,395 --> 01:03:21,365 Lizzie, listen. 954 01:03:21,398 --> 01:03:24,835 I'm not gonna be able to make it back with you for the holidays. 955 01:03:24,869 --> 01:03:28,805 There's something that came up with my mom, and I need to go home. 956 01:03:30,540 --> 01:03:32,509 But it's the holidays. 957 01:03:32,542 --> 01:03:33,844 I need you to be with me. 958 01:03:33,878 --> 01:03:35,612 And I wish I could be. 959 01:03:35,645 --> 01:03:41,385 I just... I can't be in two places at once. 960 01:03:41,418 --> 01:03:45,389 OK. I'll come with you. I'll help you with your mom. 961 01:03:45,422 --> 01:03:48,458 It's totally the right thing to do. My mom'll understand. 962 01:03:48,492 --> 01:03:50,627 Your mom just moved apartments, Lizzie. 963 01:03:50,660 --> 01:03:53,998 But I want to be with you. 964 01:03:54,031 --> 01:03:57,567 But right now, your mom needs you. 965 01:04:01,605 --> 01:04:04,608 It's just... It's a really complicated situation. 966 01:04:04,641 --> 01:04:08,312 Lizzie, my mom, 967 01:04:08,345 --> 01:04:12,950 she isn't real easy with strangers, OK? 968 01:04:12,983 --> 01:04:15,085 Look, I am right in the middle of some shit here 969 01:04:15,119 --> 01:04:17,387 that is not making me happy, Lizzie. 970 01:04:17,421 --> 01:04:19,423 I know. I know. 971 01:04:19,456 --> 01:04:23,427 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 972 01:04:23,460 --> 01:04:26,430 I just... I love you, and I wanna help. 973 01:04:26,463 --> 01:04:30,034 No, you are. Lizzie, you are helping me. 974 01:04:30,067 --> 01:04:31,135 Just... 975 01:04:31,168 --> 01:04:34,538 Just knowing that I'm gonna see you... 976 01:04:34,571 --> 01:04:38,542 We'll have all next term together, OK? 977 01:04:38,575 --> 01:04:40,444 OK? 978 01:04:40,477 --> 01:04:41,545 OK. 979 01:04:42,812 --> 01:04:46,917 So he asked me to help him, you know, to be strong for him, 980 01:04:46,951 --> 01:04:50,087 and I said OK. 981 01:04:50,120 --> 01:04:52,389 But I really did, you know? I did the whole thing. 982 01:04:52,422 --> 01:04:55,993 I kissed him goodbye, I made it so easy for him, 983 01:04:56,026 --> 01:04:58,595 and it actually made it easier for me. 984 01:04:58,628 --> 01:05:00,597 And we're both really happy. 985 01:05:00,630 --> 01:05:02,599 Well, that's great. 986 01:05:33,163 --> 01:05:34,431 Oh! Hi. 987 01:05:39,003 --> 01:05:40,004 Wow. 988 01:05:43,540 --> 01:05:45,509 Did you get everything moved in OK? 989 01:05:45,542 --> 01:05:48,412 Sure. I mean, it's not too much. 990 01:05:49,646 --> 01:05:51,681 You know, it's a south-facing apartment. 991 01:05:51,715 --> 01:05:54,051 I get light all day long. 992 01:05:56,286 --> 01:05:59,723 And it's so much easier to clean, you know? 993 01:06:02,292 --> 01:06:05,062 I think you'll like your room. 994 01:06:10,034 --> 01:06:11,535 Oh, yeah. 995 01:06:11,568 --> 01:06:16,006 So I'll just, you know, put my things away. 996 01:06:16,040 --> 01:06:19,443 I haven't made you any dinner, honey. That's OK. 997 01:06:25,149 --> 01:06:26,650 I'll pay her back one day. 998 01:06:26,683 --> 01:06:30,454 I swear I will. 999 01:06:31,288 --> 01:06:34,191 (phone ringing) 1000 01:06:46,536 --> 01:06:48,605 You said that your friend... He had a family emergency. 1001 01:06:48,638 --> 01:06:53,543 Oh. But he was going to come? 1002 01:06:53,577 --> 01:06:55,645 Yes. He just... 1003 01:06:55,679 --> 01:07:00,184 He had to go back to Texas 'cause... I don't know. 1004 01:07:00,217 --> 01:07:02,286 His name's Rafe. 1005 01:07:05,089 --> 01:07:06,490 That's a nice name. 1006 01:07:06,523 --> 01:07:11,328 You'd really like him. He's good-looking and kind. 1007 01:07:11,361 --> 01:07:13,630 And he's Jewish. Oh! 1008 01:07:13,663 --> 01:07:16,666 And, you know, he works really, really hard. 1009 01:07:20,104 --> 01:07:22,306 Well, maybe next time. 1010 01:07:22,339 --> 01:07:24,308 Yeah. He wanted to meet you. 1011 01:07:24,341 --> 01:07:27,144 He has a very close relationship with his mother. 1012 01:07:27,177 --> 01:07:29,779 That's nice. 1013 01:07:29,813 --> 01:07:31,715 (piano plays "Deck the Halls") 1014 01:07:36,686 --> 01:07:40,524 I gotta make a call. 1015 01:07:40,557 --> 01:07:43,193 Lizzie, don't. It's, like, the tenth time today. 1016 01:07:43,227 --> 01:07:45,162 So? 1017 01:07:45,195 --> 01:07:49,766 So, so you'll drive him crazy and piss him off. 1018 01:07:49,799 --> 01:07:54,738 You don't know what you're talking about. And fuck you for saying that. 1019 01:07:54,771 --> 01:07:57,641 Hello, Mrs. Stevenson? Hi, this is Lizzie. 1020 01:07:57,674 --> 01:08:01,578 Lizzie. I'm a friend of Rafe's. 1021 01:08:01,611 --> 01:08:03,380 Is he there? 1022 01:08:03,413 --> 01:08:07,717 Oh, he's busy? Well, could you tell him it's urgent? 1023 01:08:07,751 --> 01:08:11,121 OK. Bye. 1024 01:08:11,155 --> 01:08:12,088 (hangs up) 1025 01:08:12,122 --> 01:08:13,757 Why won't he pick up the phone? 1026 01:08:17,294 --> 01:08:20,164 I would never do this to him. 1027 01:08:23,233 --> 01:08:25,902 So how is he? 1028 01:08:25,935 --> 01:08:28,138 I don't know. He was out. 1029 01:08:34,811 --> 01:08:37,714 I wonder if he lays awake at night missing me 1030 01:08:37,747 --> 01:08:39,849 the way I miss him. 1031 01:08:45,722 --> 01:08:49,593 You ever love anybody, Ruby? 1032 01:08:49,626 --> 01:08:52,296 I mean really love somebody? 1033 01:08:52,329 --> 01:08:54,731 Are you kidding? Sure. 1034 01:08:54,764 --> 01:08:58,735 You think you have. You have no idea. 1035 01:09:00,804 --> 01:09:03,373 I suppose that you do? 1036 01:09:06,376 --> 01:09:10,314 Real love is total. 1037 01:09:10,347 --> 01:09:12,382 It's like life or death. 1038 01:09:12,416 --> 01:09:18,455 Like you know you're gonna die when you're apart, because the need is so pure... 1039 01:09:18,488 --> 01:09:21,258 so complete. 1040 01:09:23,327 --> 01:09:25,862 All you know is sex. 1041 01:09:25,895 --> 01:09:28,198 Christ. 1042 01:09:28,232 --> 01:09:29,733 You gave me a hard time about Sam. 1043 01:09:29,766 --> 01:09:32,802 You never loved Sam. How could you? 1044 01:09:37,407 --> 01:09:39,643 Ach... Oh, was I mean? 1045 01:09:39,676 --> 01:09:43,813 You can't take it? The happening chick that you are. 1046 01:09:46,783 --> 01:09:51,855 Lizzie, I'm not crying 'cause you're mean. 1047 01:09:51,888 --> 01:09:54,758 I just can't imagine how incredibly painful it must be to be you. 1048 01:10:10,840 --> 01:10:12,809 Listen. I'm at the airport. 1049 01:10:17,281 --> 01:10:22,218 No. No, I mean I'm here at the Austin airport. 1050 01:10:24,754 --> 01:10:28,825 Oh, my God. I've become the ultimate nightmare girlfriend. 1051 01:10:30,560 --> 01:10:33,363 Maybe you should call your mom, 1052 01:10:33,397 --> 01:10:36,800 let her know you're OK. 1053 01:10:36,833 --> 01:10:38,435 I can't. 1054 01:10:41,438 --> 01:10:44,341 Lizzie... 1055 01:10:44,374 --> 01:10:46,776 Look, you remember I told you 1056 01:10:46,810 --> 01:10:51,014 you coming here wasn't such a good idea? 1057 01:10:51,047 --> 01:10:54,284 If you loved me enough... 1058 01:10:54,318 --> 01:10:55,852 All right, look. 1059 01:10:55,885 --> 01:11:00,524 There's something that I haven't told you about. 1060 01:11:00,557 --> 01:11:03,560 Oh, Christ. Don't look at me like that, Lizzie. 1061 01:11:03,593 --> 01:11:05,562 Just tell me. It's not what you think. 1062 01:11:05,595 --> 01:11:08,565 Bastard. Cheat bastard. 1063 01:11:08,598 --> 01:11:13,269 It's my sister. It's my sister, all right? 1064 01:11:20,777 --> 01:11:24,814 So you're from New York originally? 1065 01:11:24,848 --> 01:11:26,883 Manhattan. I grew up on the Upper West Side. 1066 01:11:37,361 --> 01:11:39,429 Rafe showed me copies of your articles. 1067 01:11:39,463 --> 01:11:42,332 That's quite an achievement for a first year. 1068 01:11:42,366 --> 01:11:44,434 (groaning) 1069 01:11:44,468 --> 01:11:49,906 Ellen. Ellen. Hey. Stop. Come on, please. Hey. 1070 01:11:49,939 --> 01:11:51,575 Let's eat, OK? (groans) 1071 01:11:54,844 --> 01:11:58,047 You promised me. You promised me you'd go to bed, OK? 1072 01:11:58,081 --> 01:12:00,517 Good. Come on. That's it. Come on. 1073 01:12:00,550 --> 01:12:02,552 Hey, come on. Come on. (Ellen screams) 1074 01:12:02,586 --> 01:12:05,121 Stop it. (Ellen groans) 1075 01:12:05,154 --> 01:12:07,591 Ellen, you go to bed, and we'll go to the park tomorrow, OK? Come on. 1076 01:12:07,624 --> 01:12:09,593 Come on, please. Just... Please? 1077 01:12:09,626 --> 01:12:13,830 Hey, do you want to go to the park tomorrow? Huh? 1078 01:12:13,863 --> 01:12:15,565 (whimpering) 1079 01:12:19,869 --> 01:12:23,640 (Ellen wails) 1080 01:12:23,673 --> 01:12:26,543 We might have to take her to the doctor. 1081 01:12:26,576 --> 01:12:29,012 If this carries on much longer, 1082 01:12:29,045 --> 01:12:31,014 I don't know what we're gonna do. 1083 01:12:31,047 --> 01:12:32,882 What is it? 1084 01:12:36,453 --> 01:12:38,522 You get off on this. 1085 01:12:42,859 --> 01:12:45,529 What? 1086 01:12:45,562 --> 01:12:48,565 This does it for you. 1087 01:12:54,504 --> 01:12:55,872 What are you talking about? 1088 01:12:55,905 --> 01:12:58,007 You hid her from me. 1089 01:12:58,041 --> 01:13:00,877 Don't you think there's a reason for that? 1090 01:13:00,910 --> 01:13:03,079 Don't you think that tells me something? 1091 01:13:03,112 --> 01:13:04,113 Oh, Christ. 1092 01:13:04,147 --> 01:13:06,683 You're some kind of creepy voyeur. 1093 01:13:06,716 --> 01:13:09,052 You like other people's misery. 1094 01:13:09,085 --> 01:13:10,920 You're sick. 1095 01:13:10,954 --> 01:13:13,423 You're really... You're really sick. 1096 01:13:13,457 --> 01:13:16,159 Tell me it's not true. (squealing) 1097 01:13:16,192 --> 01:13:19,028 (Mrs. Stevenson) Rafe, please! 1098 01:13:19,062 --> 01:13:20,497 I'll get the car. 1099 01:13:25,101 --> 01:13:27,437 (car starts) 1100 01:13:36,112 --> 01:13:37,681 Mom? How have you been? 1101 01:13:37,714 --> 01:13:41,485 How do you think I've been? 1102 01:13:41,518 --> 01:13:42,886 Christ, Lizzie, don't you ever think? 1103 01:13:42,919 --> 01:13:45,455 I'm sorry. I just... 1104 01:13:45,489 --> 01:13:48,992 I had to get to the airport right away. I would have told you. 1105 01:13:49,025 --> 01:13:50,894 We've been having some problems. 1106 01:13:50,927 --> 01:13:53,997 It's just been really hard, but we're patching things up. 1107 01:13:54,030 --> 01:13:56,533 Yeah, he loves me. I know he does. 1108 01:13:56,566 --> 01:13:58,702 It's just... 1109 01:13:58,735 --> 01:14:00,970 He's just got all this weird family stuff. 1110 01:14:01,004 --> 01:14:04,608 And he's trying to help them and me and... 1111 01:14:04,641 --> 01:14:06,710 He's got to help himself first. 1112 01:14:06,743 --> 01:14:10,914 And when he does, everything's gonna be OK. 1113 01:14:10,947 --> 01:14:12,015 I'm sure. 1114 01:14:12,048 --> 01:14:14,484 I know we'll be fine. 1115 01:14:14,518 --> 01:14:16,753 I know that. 1116 01:14:16,786 --> 01:14:19,623 Do you think? 1117 01:14:19,656 --> 01:14:23,727 I'm no real help to you there, Lizzie. 1118 01:14:24,728 --> 01:14:25,662 I know. I know. 1119 01:14:25,695 --> 01:14:28,665 Mom, I'm sorry you had to move. 1120 01:14:31,735 --> 01:14:32,669 I know, sweetheart. 1121 01:14:35,672 --> 01:14:38,041 I'm going to go now, OK? 1122 01:14:38,074 --> 01:14:39,075 Mom? 1123 01:14:39,108 --> 01:14:40,744 You call me... 1124 01:14:45,682 --> 01:14:46,650 Mom? 1125 01:14:49,152 --> 01:14:50,654 ...when you've... 1126 01:14:53,690 --> 01:14:56,660 ...seen Dr. Sterling. 1127 01:14:56,693 --> 01:14:57,727 Mom? 1128 01:14:57,761 --> 01:15:00,530 Bye, honey. Mom! 1129 01:15:13,610 --> 01:15:17,080 I should've listened to him. 1130 01:15:17,113 --> 01:15:21,050 He told me not to come here. 1131 01:15:21,084 --> 01:15:22,752 I'm more trouble than I'm worth. 1132 01:15:28,191 --> 01:15:31,327 Well, what about your reading? 1133 01:15:31,360 --> 01:15:33,597 No, no. 1134 01:15:33,630 --> 01:15:36,265 Honey, you gotta get some work done. 1135 01:15:39,703 --> 01:15:43,272 Lizzie, this isn't working. 1136 01:15:43,306 --> 01:15:45,041 I know, I know, I know. 1137 01:15:45,074 --> 01:15:47,276 As soon as I get back, I'll get your exam schedule for you. 1138 01:15:47,310 --> 01:15:50,814 No, there's no need, OK? There's no need. 1139 01:15:58,622 --> 01:16:00,624 Well, then, I'll call you. 1140 01:16:00,657 --> 01:16:03,793 No! No calls! No calls, OK? 1141 01:16:03,827 --> 01:16:05,061 (sobbing) 1142 01:16:05,094 --> 01:16:07,764 Look, this is not working, all right? 1143 01:16:07,797 --> 01:16:10,734 This is not my life. I don't want this anymore. 1144 01:16:10,767 --> 01:16:13,670 (laughing) 1145 01:16:14,403 --> 01:16:15,872 What do you want? 1146 01:16:15,905 --> 01:16:20,143 Oh, you just woke up and decided that you wanted to fuck freshman girls 1147 01:16:20,176 --> 01:16:23,212 and do lots of drugs? 1148 01:16:23,246 --> 01:16:25,314 Is that what you want? 1149 01:16:27,751 --> 01:16:28,752 Yeah. 1150 01:16:30,086 --> 01:16:31,320 Yeah... 1151 01:16:31,354 --> 01:16:33,657 that's exactly what I want. 1152 01:16:33,690 --> 01:16:38,261 I want to party. I want to have some fun. 1153 01:16:54,811 --> 01:16:58,314 You're the one who told me to trust somebody. 1154 01:16:58,347 --> 01:16:59,749 Look what happened! 1155 01:16:59,783 --> 01:17:03,119 You trusting Rafe has nothing to do... 1156 01:17:03,152 --> 01:17:07,190 No. All I want is for Rafe to come back, and you're talking about pills. 1157 01:17:07,223 --> 01:17:09,793 Because things are more difficult for you right now, 1158 01:17:09,826 --> 01:17:11,795 I think you could use some help. 1159 01:17:11,828 --> 01:17:13,262 You said that I was making progress. 1160 01:17:13,296 --> 01:17:16,199 Sometimes things are more painful before you feel... 1161 01:17:16,232 --> 01:17:18,401 You said that all this would amount to something, 1162 01:17:18,434 --> 01:17:21,104 all this fucking pain! 1163 01:17:21,137 --> 01:17:23,840 And I am still saying that. 1164 01:17:25,742 --> 01:17:30,780 I can't believe you're pushing drugs after all of this. 1165 01:17:30,814 --> 01:17:33,817 I'm recommending that you try this medication 1166 01:17:33,850 --> 01:17:37,220 so that you can gain some perspective and not spin out of control. 1167 01:17:40,289 --> 01:17:42,892 Lizzie, isn't that what you want? 1168 01:17:51,200 --> 01:17:54,871 (Dr. Sterling) It takes two to six weeks before your system responds. 1169 01:17:56,873 --> 01:17:59,776 I know you don't feel it, 1170 01:17:59,809 --> 01:18:02,378 but I can see it working already. 1171 01:18:02,411 --> 01:18:07,216 (phone ringing) 1172 01:18:07,250 --> 01:18:10,920 Your mother's been calling. She wants to come and see you. 1173 01:18:16,760 --> 01:18:20,830 (man) The engine's beginning throttling down now at 94%. 1174 01:18:20,864 --> 01:18:23,800 Normal throttle for most of the flight - 104%. 1175 01:18:23,833 --> 01:18:26,803 The three engines are running normally. 1176 01:18:26,836 --> 01:18:30,439 Three good fuel cells. Three good APUs. 1177 01:18:30,473 --> 01:18:32,441 Velocity 2,257 feet per second... 1178 01:18:32,475 --> 01:18:35,444 Hey! Hey! What the hell are you doing? Nothing. 1179 01:18:35,478 --> 01:18:37,413 Trying to steal my purse. 1180 01:18:37,446 --> 01:18:38,982 (mission control) Challenger, go at throttle up. 1181 01:18:39,015 --> 01:18:40,750 (pilot) Roger, go at throttle up. 1182 01:18:40,784 --> 01:18:44,420 (reporter) The space shuttle Challenger exploded in a ball of fire 1183 01:18:44,453 --> 01:18:46,856 shortly after it left the launching pad today. 1184 01:18:46,890 --> 01:18:47,891 (reporter #2) ...which the fragments 1185 01:18:47,924 --> 01:18:49,458 from the STS-51-L 1186 01:18:49,492 --> 01:18:50,659 (reporter) Officials are saying that there is no evidence 1187 01:18:50,693 --> 01:18:54,497 to indicate that any of the seven astronauts... 1188 01:18:54,530 --> 01:18:56,232 (reporter #3) President Reagan is promising to continue... 1189 01:18:56,265 --> 01:18:59,202 (Reagan) ...honored us with the manner in which they lived their lives. 1190 01:18:59,235 --> 01:19:00,736 (reporter #4) Some material from the scattered craft is reported to be... 1191 01:19:00,770 --> 01:19:03,773 (reporter #3) ...the worst accident in the history... 1192 01:19:03,807 --> 01:19:08,277 (Reagan) ...which Lincoln called "the last best hope of man on Earth," 1193 01:19:08,311 --> 01:19:11,247 was built on heroism and noble sacrifice. 1194 01:19:13,950 --> 01:19:14,884 Ruby? 1195 01:19:14,918 --> 01:19:16,920 Ruby? 1196 01:19:16,953 --> 01:19:20,023 Jesus! Lizzie, hold on, hold on, all right? 1197 01:19:20,056 --> 01:19:23,026 Ruby, come on. This is serious. 1198 01:19:23,059 --> 01:19:24,560 What? 1199 01:19:24,593 --> 01:19:29,799 My mother's been mugged. I have to go to New York. You've gotta come with me. 1200 01:19:29,833 --> 01:19:32,869 No. 1201 01:19:32,902 --> 01:19:36,840 Ruby, come on. I am asking for your help. 1202 01:19:36,873 --> 01:19:39,943 Lizzie, I'm done helping. 1203 01:19:39,976 --> 01:19:40,877 You're done? 1204 01:19:40,910 --> 01:19:45,314 How can you...? I can't. 1205 01:19:45,348 --> 01:19:49,318 I've had it. All right? I can't do it anymore. 1206 01:19:49,352 --> 01:19:54,457 This has got to end. Next week, it's just gonna be some other crisis. 1207 01:19:57,560 --> 01:19:58,862 One for the road. 1208 01:20:15,945 --> 01:20:19,082 She refused the intravenous Demerol. 1209 01:20:19,115 --> 01:20:22,385 She refuses painkilling drugs? 1210 01:20:22,418 --> 01:20:25,554 Can we possibly be related? 1211 01:20:25,588 --> 01:20:30,559 Looks like she's gonna be here for a few days, but she'll be just fine. 1212 01:20:30,593 --> 01:20:34,898 She'll need some help when she gets back home, but everything will be OK. 1213 01:20:39,568 --> 01:20:40,736 It's scary. 1214 01:20:40,769 --> 01:20:45,308 For the first time, I'm being deprived of my tears. 1215 01:20:50,579 --> 01:20:53,549 I don't know what I'm doing. 1216 01:20:55,618 --> 01:21:01,557 I mean, let's face it, me being here to help is like a cruel joke. 1217 01:21:14,437 --> 01:21:17,073 Not even heights freak me out anymore. 1218 01:21:21,477 --> 01:21:24,080 You look a lot better. 1219 01:21:24,113 --> 01:21:26,082 That's what everybody says. 1220 01:21:30,119 --> 01:21:32,588 You know, Lizzie... (clears throat) 1221 01:21:32,621 --> 01:21:34,423 I'm fine. 1222 01:21:34,457 --> 01:21:37,927 And there's no reason why you can't go back up to Cambridge. 1223 01:21:37,961 --> 01:21:42,131 Mom, I've spoken with the nurses, and they say that you need... 1224 01:21:42,165 --> 01:21:45,501 Honey, you've got exams coming up. 1225 01:21:47,436 --> 01:21:50,573 You have to have somebody with you, even if it's just for a few days. 1226 01:21:50,606 --> 01:21:53,576 I can take care of myself. I always have. 1227 01:21:55,211 --> 01:21:57,713 You're not going home alone. 1228 01:21:57,746 --> 01:21:59,949 It's the other cupboard, Ma. 1229 01:21:59,983 --> 01:22:02,986 Oh, I don't know. 1230 01:22:03,019 --> 01:22:04,988 Grandma, I'll get it. 1231 01:22:18,601 --> 01:22:22,071 I don't know what I would have done without Lizzie here. 1232 01:22:24,707 --> 01:22:27,043 None of this would have happened... 1233 01:22:27,076 --> 01:22:28,744 Shh, Ma, don't say that. 1234 01:22:28,777 --> 01:22:30,946 ...if it hadn't been for her. 1235 01:22:48,031 --> 01:22:50,033 They're gone. 1236 01:22:50,066 --> 01:22:51,634 Yeah. 1237 01:22:51,667 --> 01:22:54,703 I didn't really feel like saying goodbye. 1238 01:23:01,744 --> 01:23:06,449 After all this time, I never asked you about Rafe. 1239 01:23:14,557 --> 01:23:17,560 Well, that's over. 1240 01:23:17,593 --> 01:23:21,664 He... He never wants to see me again. 1241 01:23:26,735 --> 01:23:29,004 You know, when Donald left me... 1242 01:23:32,575 --> 01:23:34,677 ...it seemed so incredible. 1243 01:23:34,710 --> 01:23:37,780 I just couldn't believe it. 1244 01:23:48,824 --> 01:23:50,793 I think I just forgot about you, Lizzie. 1245 01:23:52,661 --> 01:23:53,696 You know? 1246 01:23:56,099 --> 01:23:57,666 You were just a child. 1247 01:23:57,700 --> 01:24:01,304 So little. 1248 01:24:06,209 --> 01:24:07,743 But you needed me. 1249 01:24:10,313 --> 01:24:14,117 And that forced me to pay attention again. 1250 01:24:14,150 --> 01:24:15,684 You know what I mean? 1251 01:24:18,754 --> 01:24:21,124 I had to take care of you. 1252 01:24:23,692 --> 01:24:28,097 And in a way, you brought me back to life, 1253 01:24:28,131 --> 01:24:30,833 and you became everything for me. 1254 01:24:32,701 --> 01:24:35,771 I was so wrapped up in you. 1255 01:24:41,277 --> 01:24:46,249 But, God, you were so full of promise, Lizzie, 1256 01:24:46,282 --> 01:24:50,786 and I wanted so much for you in your life. 1257 01:24:52,855 --> 01:24:57,293 And I couldn't see that it wasn't good for you. 1258 01:25:01,830 --> 01:25:04,667 You just... 1259 01:25:04,700 --> 01:25:09,205 You know, you wanted me to be everything, 1260 01:25:09,238 --> 01:25:10,839 and I can't be. 1261 01:25:15,844 --> 01:25:18,181 I can't be. 1262 01:25:26,855 --> 01:25:29,692 Look, Lizzie. 1263 01:25:29,725 --> 01:25:32,695 You don't have to be anything for me. 1264 01:25:32,728 --> 01:25:36,699 You don't have to be well for me. 1265 01:25:36,732 --> 01:25:37,733 You understand? 1266 01:25:41,337 --> 01:25:43,839 You don't have to pretend. 1267 01:25:47,776 --> 01:25:50,012 I'm gonna be OK, Mom. 1268 01:25:53,882 --> 01:25:55,618 I'll be OK. 1269 01:25:56,752 --> 01:25:58,187 I promise. 1270 01:26:09,465 --> 01:26:11,634 I'll be OK. 1271 01:26:13,736 --> 01:26:15,804 And there's a reason. 1272 01:26:28,751 --> 01:26:32,755 I call this the crackhouse where I come to score. 1273 01:26:32,788 --> 01:26:35,324 Dr. Sterling is my dealer. 1274 01:26:36,859 --> 01:26:42,298 Seems like everyone's doctor is dealing this stuff now. 1275 01:26:42,331 --> 01:26:46,235 Sometimes it feels like we're all living in a Prozac nation - 1276 01:26:46,269 --> 01:26:49,204 the United States of Depression. 1277 01:26:52,775 --> 01:26:57,880 I don't know who I am anymore. 1278 01:26:57,913 --> 01:27:00,916 I have this personality, 1279 01:27:00,949 --> 01:27:05,721 and it's fucked up, but it's me. 1280 01:27:05,754 --> 01:27:09,425 And I see myself becoming this person who does the right thing, 1281 01:27:09,458 --> 01:27:13,862 who says the right thing, but that's not me. 1282 01:27:13,896 --> 01:27:17,300 You feel different, don't you? Of course I feel different. 1283 01:27:17,333 --> 01:27:18,767 I'm on medication. That's the whole point, isn't it? 1284 01:27:18,801 --> 01:27:21,937 Yeah, that was the point. 1285 01:27:21,970 --> 01:27:25,541 You're not comfortable with who this new person is yet. 1286 01:27:25,574 --> 01:27:27,410 But I can't be this person without taking pills. 1287 01:27:27,443 --> 01:27:29,812 The pills are giving you breathing space. 1288 01:27:29,845 --> 01:27:33,782 This feels like everything's just being covered up. 1289 01:27:33,816 --> 01:27:36,885 I recommend that you stay on the medication, but it's not my choice. 1290 01:27:36,919 --> 01:27:38,387 It's your choice. 1291 01:27:42,558 --> 01:27:44,327 Do you want to get off the pills? 1292 01:28:45,153 --> 01:28:48,957 Oh, sweetheart, come here. Come here. It's OK. 1293 01:28:48,991 --> 01:28:50,526 It's OK. 1294 01:29:17,853 --> 01:29:21,624 (sobbing) 1295 01:29:21,657 --> 01:29:25,628 If only my life could be more like the movies. 1296 01:29:25,661 --> 01:29:28,497 I want an angel to swoop down to me 1297 01:29:28,531 --> 01:29:30,098 like he does to Jimmy Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life 1298 01:29:30,132 --> 01:29:32,868 and talk me out of suicide. 1299 01:29:32,901 --> 01:29:35,638 I've always waited for that one moment of truth 1300 01:29:35,671 --> 01:29:39,141 to set me free and change my life forever, 1301 01:29:39,174 --> 01:29:42,411 but he won't come. 1302 01:29:42,445 --> 01:29:44,613 It doesn't happen that way. 1303 01:29:46,949 --> 01:29:48,951 All the drugs, all the therapy, 1304 01:29:48,984 --> 01:29:54,657 fights, anger, guilt, Rafe, suicidal thoughts, 1305 01:29:54,690 --> 01:29:58,494 all of that was part of some slow recovery process. 1306 01:29:58,527 --> 01:30:00,629 The same way I went down, I came back up - 1307 01:30:00,663 --> 01:30:05,067 gradually and then suddenly. 1308 01:30:08,904 --> 01:30:11,640 The pills weren't a cure-all, God knows, 1309 01:30:11,674 --> 01:30:13,909 but they gave me breathing space 1310 01:30:13,942 --> 01:30:16,912 which allowed me to start writing again, 1311 01:30:16,945 --> 01:30:20,883 only this time, it wasn't as if my life depended on it. 1312 01:31:02,591 --> 01:31:04,192 *Love 1313 01:31:04,226 --> 01:31:09,698 *Is a thousand churches burning* 1314 01:31:14,537 --> 01:31:16,204 *Love 1315 01:31:16,238 --> 01:31:21,243 *Is a frozen heart left yearning* 1316 01:31:22,778 --> 01:31:25,748 *For blood 1317 01:31:25,781 --> 01:31:30,753 *'Cause nothing comes for free* 1318 01:31:30,786 --> 01:31:34,957 *If I survive another fall 1319 01:31:34,990 --> 01:31:40,529 *You can take what's left of me* 1320 01:31:50,172 --> 01:31:52,608 *Love 1321 01:31:52,641 --> 01:31:59,114 *Is a handsome scar left hurting* 1322 01:32:01,083 --> 01:32:05,120 *And love 1323 01:32:05,153 --> 01:32:10,525 *Is a broken engine turning 1324 01:32:11,594 --> 01:32:15,063 *And turning 1325 01:32:15,097 --> 01:32:18,734 *Searching for a spark 1326 01:32:18,767 --> 01:32:22,838 *If you can find me in the dark* 1327 01:32:22,871 --> 01:32:28,844 *You can take what's left of me* 1328 01:32:28,877 --> 01:32:32,715 *We are holy whores 1329 01:32:32,748 --> 01:32:37,820 *We're walking wounded over distant shores* 1330 01:32:37,853 --> 01:32:43,826 *Only love will comfort me 1331 01:32:43,859 --> 01:32:49,832 *Only love can comfort me 1332 01:32:49,865 --> 01:32:52,801 *'Cause love is heat 1333 01:32:52,835 --> 01:32:55,771 *Love is cold 1334 01:32:55,804 --> 01:32:58,741 *Love is peace 1335 01:32:58,774 --> 01:33:02,144 *Love is war 1336 01:33:02,177 --> 01:33:04,847 *So if you find me on the floor* 1337 01:33:04,880 --> 01:33:11,620 *You can keep what's left of me 1338 01:33:17,826 --> 01:33:21,329 *You can keep what's left of* 1339 01:33:23,766 --> 01:33:27,703 *You can keep what's left of* 1340 01:33:28,904 --> 01:33:36,211 *You can keep what's left of me*