What do you think you're doing?
Having a good read. You've got no right! Hey, little kiddies love you.
No, they don't. You've seen their letters, they're polite, that's all.
Must feel like they're writing to a stranger.
You are a psychopath.
And you are cruel and you are spiteful!
You have to take her on yourself. Oh, yeah(!) I can just see that(!)
Me, a 50-year-old woman, fighting Michelle dockley?!
So, what are you in here for anyway? Nicking gobstoppers?
Triple murder. Do you want to break?
You can have another baby. Another baby? But how? I'm in here, ain't I?
Got any stash? No, I've got some rollies, if you want one.
I'd like to take your word for it,
but... i think we're going to have to do a little strip search.
Argh! Argh! Ooh! Argh!
Morning, ladies. Another great day in larkhall, eh, mr McAllister?
Something like that, Denny.
Settled in, have you? Ace, ta. Settle in dead easy, I do.
Ah, good.
Well, I hope Denny will show you the ropes. Yeah, no problem.
With crystal down the block, it's just the two of you, so...
Luxury, innit? Well, like I said, Denny will show you what's what,
but if you have any problems or anything you want to know about, just give me a shout, all right?
Yeah. Thanks.
He seems all right.
Yeah, for a screw.
You've got to watch the lot of them.
Can't trust them. Can't you?
Won't think twice about doing you over when they feel like it.
But hey, stick with me, you'll be fine.
Anyway, er... you can take care of yourself, can't you,
being banged up for triple murder?
Morning, Julies. Morning, mr McAllister. Morning, mr McAllister.
Here, I bet his tackle's all in working order.
What? You mean...?
Why not? Any kid of his would be a right dazzler.
Let's face it, you wouldn't kick him out of bed now, would you?
That's only cos I'd never get him into bed in the first place.
In case you've forgotten, he's a bleeding screw. Yeah, come on, ju.
Let's not be negative. So there's a couple of obstacles.
You've just got to get over them.
Or in this case, underneath them.
Well, if you ask me, with one arm in a sling,
dockley should be half as much trouble.
So, as far as you're concerned, Sylvia,
we should just wait for her arm to heal and forget how it happened?
Well, she said she fell. And you believe that? Nah.
Well, there must be a dozen women here who've got a score to
settle with dockley.
Maybe now she'll think twice about throwing her wait around again.
And that's what you'll tell the inquiry when someone gets murdered?
I don't care if dockley had it coming or not.
I want to know who attacked her.
Hey! Oh! It's all right. I don't want no trouble.
I've seen what you can do. Oh, for god's sake, Yvonne, stop it!
I'm only having a laugh, babs. It's not funny.
I can't believe what I did. No! Neither can the rest of us.
But the fact is, you did it and dockley deserved it.
I acted like an animal.
Well, that's nothing special in here, love. Welcome to the zoo.
So, how'd it happen, then?
What? What, she asks! Killing three people.
No big deal. No big deal, offing three people?
I worked on a supermarket fish counter. The fish counter?
My boss was this fat bitch, always on at me.
Do this! Get that! Why haven't you done such and such?
Well, one day when we shut up shop,
I forgot to stick these oysters in the fridge.
Next morning, she finds them and of course, they've gone off.
She goes off like a moon rocket and calls me a worthless shitwhip.
Really has a go. You know.
Cow!
Didn't stop till she made me cry. Anyway...
..She sent me to Chuck the oysters away,
so I decided I was going to get some payback.
No way, man!
It's true. I poured the bad juice over another tray of fresh ones.
I thought I'd show her who was a shitwhip.
I reckoned the oysters would give a few people the squits
and word would get back to environmental health. Nice one.
This old couple and the pregnant woman,
though, didn't just get the squits, did they?
It wasn't just environmental health that came calling.
They brought the coppers with them. The oysters did that?
Yeah.
Anyway, all this talk about food's got me famished.
What's the brekkie like round here?
Not bad, is it? What? Didn't they feed you on remand?
Yeah, but you get more on a bird table.
Well, I suppose it ain't that bad in here.
Watch out for the oysters though!
You're all right, you.
Thanks.
I reckon we're going to have a laugh in here, you and me.
Yeah, I reckon we will.
Listen, if you're interested, me
and some of the other girls, we've got this scam going on.
Like what?
That sort.
How? You'll never guess.
It's telephone sex lines.
You're pulling my chain! No, honest.
It's titchy little mobile phones and they don't ring, they vibrate.
The screws know sod all about them.
All's you've got to do is talk dirty.
Hey, shell. What happened to your arm?
Wasn't watching where I was going, was I? Slipped and fell. Oh, right.
Cos if anybody touched you, you know
I'd come fix them for you, don't you? Yeah. Thanks.
Can I have everyone's attention, please?
Right.
I know some of you think you're hard enough to sort out any
problems you might have with a bit of aggro.
On the outside, that's your business.
But there is no room for violence in larkhall. I'm not having it!
From any of you.
Not on g wing.
Now, someone's had a go at shell dockley and I want to know who.
Take it easy, babs. No-one's going to grass on you.
Well, keeping quiet's not going to do anybody any good.
If anyone has information,
they can pass it on to their personal officer.
That won't be necessary, miss.
I hit her. I did it.
You?!
I know it's hard to believe. I can hardly believe it myself.
The old cow's barmy!
I just fell over. No-one's laid a finger on me.
You fell over? Honest, miss. I'm telling you.
No-one's had a go at me. I'd tell you if they had, wouldn't I?
Barbara?
Oh, come on, miss. I wouldn't lie to you, you know that.
And how's an old mare like that going to deck me?!
Hey, listen, Yvonne. This is my mate, shaz. Hiya.
She, er... she wants to get in on the phone lines.
Why? Do you want to work a switchboard?
No, she can talk dirty. I'm sure that's very nice for you after lock up,
but I'm not into that sort of thing, Denny. No, listen, Yvonne...
Look, I don't know what you're on about, all right, Denny?
Shit!
I'm taking me pants off now.
Yeah, can you hear them?
I'm completely naked now.
Ooh, I wish you could see me.
Right. Well, you just do your own thing.
10p a minute and counting.
You all right?
No, I bloody well ain't. What's up? You two been mouthing off to anyone?
How do you mean? About our nice little earner here.
You don't need to worry about us. We know when we're on to a good thing.
We wouldn't tell nobody. Well, Denny bleeding has.
Oh, what, again? Who's she told this time?
Who do you think? Her new little girlfriend.
Both: Oh, bloody hell!
If she's going to tell every girl she fancies...
The whole wing's going to know. All we need is for the screws to find out about one phone
and we'll all be stuffed. Oh, John, you've finished?
Oh... well, call me again, yeah?
I'll be here. Another satisfied customer?
Can't get enough. How many times has he called you this week? He likes me. Can't help it.
We've got quite a few regulars between us now. Good.
Some of them are quite nice. Well, for... wankers?
Both: Yeah.
Nice one, eh? Where did you get that?
Nightclub. Some bitch done me with a carpet knife.
What had you done to her?
Spilled her drink. What? She did that cos you spilled her drink?
Well, I did spill it over her head.
Shit! Don't forget a night out with you in a hurry, I bet!
No way, man.
You fancy one tonight? Night out?
Yeah. Yeah, all right.
What do you fancy? Pictures or a night in the pub? I mean it.
Look, when I was in remand, someone showed me this trick.
I could get out of here like that.
Yeah(!)
Only one way to prove it.
Whispering
everything all right, is it, Julies? What? Yeah. Course it is.
Truth is, sir, we was just wondering. Oh, yeah? What about?
It's funny, isn't it? I mean, just how much we see of you.
Every day you're here, unlocking us in the morning, locking us
up at night, but, well, we've never really got to know you, have we?
We know you're a nice bloke and that. Oh, we know that.
We know that. But we was just wondering about outside.
Like, whether you had... A girlfriend?
A girlfriend? Or something.
No.
Oh! Oh...
Was there anything else? It'll be the hours, I expect. Yeah.
I mean, not much chance to socialise when you work in a place like this.
You ought to take time out to relax, sir.
There's a lot of stress in your job, isn't there?
Now, stress, ju, one of the biggest killers of modern times.
Is this going somewhere, Julies? Cos if it isn't, I am.
That reminds me, ju, I'll catch you later.
Mr McAllister.
I'm off, too. See, that's just what I mean.
All this rushing around, mr McAllister.
It's not good for your heart.
Knocks on door
what are you doing here?
To tell you the truth, I don't really know.
Piss off, then!
I want to know why you did it.
Why you did that today. Just be grateful I did.
Anyway, I didn't do it for you. Well, thank you anyway.
So, we're quits, yeah?
Now, you keep out of my way and I'll keep out of yours.
Deal?
Sorry, Julie, I've got to go. What about kids, mr McAllister?
You must want children. Yeah, one day, perhaps.
Well, you know they say, modern day stress is having a terrible
effect on the, you know, wotsit count.
I'll bear it in mind.
But right now, the only stress I've got to worry about, Julie, is you.
I don't want to cause you no stress, mr McAllister. Just the opposite.
I mean, watching your little boy or your little girl growing up,
think how therapeutic that would be, especially
if you could see them while you were at work.
Julie, are you feeling all right?
Oh, more than all right, mr McAllister.
How about you?
I'm not sure.
Why don't you come with me and we'll see what we can do?
Julie, I hope for once you are messing me around,
otherwise you're in big trouble.
What?
Propositioning a prison officer?
See what I mean?
You're so serious, mr McAllister.
You need to get yourself a sense of humour.
I nearly got bloody done then! Blimey!
He don't know what he's missing.
Oh, maybe we should forget the whole idea. Oh, you don't mean that, ju.
Not after the way you were looking at poor little
Robbie at zandra's memorial service. Yeah, but it's hopeless, isn't it? Of course not.
You've just got to put your trust in god.
Choking
what's the matter?
I'll go and get the doctor.
She laughs
had you going then, didn't I?
That's a caution! What for? Having a laugh?
Possessing an unauthorised article.
And you can wash it and all before it goes back!
You're a total nutter, man! Oh, that was nothing.
Uh! Oh, sorry!
Didn't mean to startle you. No, it's all right.
I just didn't hear you come in. Oh, you was in... Conversation.
Oh, yeah.
It's, um, Gillian, isn't it? Julie. Oh, I'm sorry.
You're not a regular, are you? Me? Regular as clockwork.
My mum used to set her alarm by me bowels.
Is there something wrong, Julie?
Wrong?
As the chapel isn't a normal haunt of yours,
I can only imagine you have a special reason for coming.
Yeah, I have. It...
It's a bit difficult.
Don't worry. Whatever your problem, I'm your man.
Oh!
No go, then?
That's the trouble with the bleeding church.
If you ain't a virgin, they ain't interested.
He ain't interested cos he's a vicar. He's a man!
And the trouble is, ju, we are
running out of them in here pretty quick.
There's always... Mr fenner.
Mr fenner?
No, you're right.
Even he probably wouldn't be interested.
Not after that business with shell.
So, that's that knocked on the head, then. Oh...
Whiplash Wanda. What can I do for you today?
Oh, hello, John.
John!
Come on, you. You'll have time to stand around and gawp later.
Use your eyes, bitch! Now, come on! Come on!
Let's have you!
Move it! Hurry up! Some of us have homes to go to.
What would be really nice is a picture of you, John.
Oh, you would? Oh, that would be lovely.
And, er...
What if I were to send you a visiting order
so you could come and visit me?
Yeah, face-to-face. Would you like that?
Oh, great! Well, hang on, I'll get your address.
Yeah, pass us that.
Come on.
Hold on, hold on, it's just coming. Yeah, go on, then.
Yeah.
Got it.
I can't wait!
I'll see you soon, lover.
Bye. Bye.
Bloody hell, ju! Are you sure you know what you're doing?
He's a man, isn't he?
He'd be more up for it than either of your bright ideas.
Well, course he will! He's a bleeding sad old pervert!
That's unfair! John's always been really nice on the phone.
It don't matter what he sounds like. He is a dirty old perv!
Not necessarily.
And anyway, I asked him to send me a picky,
so I can see what he looks like.
Yvonne will go ballistic if she finds out.
Well, how's she going to know?
Renee Williams?
Sentenced to 18 months.
Congratulations. You've won a car.
Comedian, are we? This place fills me full of laughs.
Any medical problems? Why don't you examine me to find out, darling?
Any medical problems?
No.
Right, let's see what we've got in here.
You'd better make sure no-one gets their frigging thieving
fingers on that stuff!
Don't worry, we keep all the thieves under lock and key.
That's why you're here, in case you forgot. Who's the comedian now?
Right, you spend the weekend in the reception dorm,
then you'll be taken on to your wing on Monday.
Dorm?! I'm not sleeping in any dorm!
Yes, you are! She's all yours.
Get your hands off me, you black... Hey!
You got a problem? Cos you are really starting to piss me off!
Are you sure this is going to work? I'm telling you, they did it in remand.
We've just got to make sure there's enough paper in there
and it's really tight.
It's got to be worth a go anyway. I'm telling you! You watch.
Here... It's been a long one today, Dominic.
Another day, another dollar, Sylvia.
Anyway, I suppose it was worthwhile coming in today to see madam
make a fool of herself.
She's got as much chance of finding out who clobbered
shell dockley as finding lord lucan.
All locked up!
Love you! As if anyone cares who clocked her one.
Let them fight it out amongst themselves, that's what I say.
Shut up!
Night. Night.
Snores
Muffled scream
pack it in, or I'll shut you up for good! All right?
They'll kill us if they find out! Who's going to see us to tell them?
What are you going to do with those?
That's it. That's the last one.
This place is going to go up like a frigging bomb in the morning!
Is this the biz or what?
Giggling
Door closes
close call! Maybe we ought to get back.
I've just got a bit of unfinished business to take care of.
What are you doing? Something else I learned in remand.
Watch and learn.
Yeah, the visiting order's in the post. You should get it tomorrow.
No, I can't wait either.
I'll see you soon. Bye.
So it's all systems go, then, is it?
I'm sure John's the one, you know. How come?!
Well, it's obvious, isn't it?
There I am, no go with the chaplain or mr McAllister
and then John phones up out of the blue.
He's a punter, ju! All the same, he sounds nice.
And what room have we got to go judging blokes that ring us
up for a cheap thrill?
Acres of it! We know what they're like! No, we don't.
Maybe he's too shy to find himself a girlfriend.
Oh! Well, you don't know!
The only thing I don't know is how he's going to get you up
the stick in the middle of the bleeding visiting room!
She's going to go knobbing nuclear! That's the idea!
I'd better clear this out so we don't get sussed in the morning.
Wicked night, shaz.
We're going to have a top notch, you and me, Denny.
Screams
oh!
What the hell's going on?!
Toilet flush
oh, my god!
Ju! Come and have a look!
What the...?
Oh, my lord!
Scream
mrs hollamby, you ought to come and see!
Whatever now?
Laughter
So, does anybody want to explain?
I don't think we can, ma'am.
Well, let's suppose we're not dealing with poltergeists
or gremlins. Let's suppose someone hasn't been doing their job properly!
Then surely that's down to the night staff.
Well, I'll be speaking to the night staff.
But locking up prisoners is your responsibility
and clearly last night, somebody wasn't locked up!
I don't see how that's possible.
Oh, so we're back to the phantom of larkhall!
You were the senior officer on lock up last night, Sylvia.
Did you make sure every cell was secure?
I know how to do my job, ma'am!
I didn't ask that. I asked if you did it!
Yes, I did. Well, someone here's responsible for this mess!
So, you up for it again tonight? What, going out?
Screws are going to be harder than shit, man!
Yeah, you're right. Besides...
It's always the same old broken record, isn't it?
Sylvia's fault, Sylvia's fault, Sylvia's fault.
You were with me at lock up last night.
If I did something wrong, you'd tell me what it was.
You didn't do anything wrong, Sylvia. No, I didn't!
And you two, you can put a stop to that! To what? Handling each other.
It's disgusting. You're just jealous. That's enough of your lip!
Not be so touchy-feely, banged up on the block, will you?
You don't want to bother with what she says.
Dried up old bag! Hey, shell. You're right, shaz.
Trouble with hollamby is she ain't getting any.
So you coming up to see me after lunchtime lock up then?
I've got some ciggies.
I'd love to, shell, but me and shaz have got art.
Art?! Yeah, we're doing art classes.
Fair enough, no big deal. Another time, yeah?
If you like.
Get your gear together. You're moving on to g wing.
Well, I hope it's better than this doss hole. It's alive with bloody bugs.
Surprised they haven't chewed me down to the bone while I've been in here.
Well, you'll want to get a move on, then, won't you?
A shower. That's what I want.
Smells like a jungle in here.
You make one more remark like that and I'll have you on report!
Come on, then. You've got to open it.
Supposing he's dead ugly.
What if there's something wrong with him?
When we was working, you had ugly men.
Yeah, but I don't want ugly kids, do I?
Well, there's only one way to find out.
Please.
Give us it.
Oh!
He's a bit of all right, isn't he?
"Looking forward to seeing you
"in the flesh." Yeah, I bet he is!
Still, my way, you both get what you're after
and it won't get too messy.
As long as you're quick.
Well, well. Small bloody world, ain't it?
I wondered where they'd shoved you.
So now you know. Yeah, I do, don't I? And you'll be dead close.
You'll be sharing with two other girls.
And there's a third who's on restricted now,
but she'll be back in a couple of weeks.
Screw this, I want somewhere of my own.
Tough, you're in here.
Giggling
giggling dies
What they got you in for, then?
Tarting on street corners?
Love, darlin'.
I'm doing this for my fella, aren't I?
Sort of like you, I suppose.
Still breathing, then?
Oh, yeah.
He'll live forever.
Got a charmed life, he has.
What about you?
Me?
Yeah, you.
You got a charmed life?
Cos you're gonna need one, now I'm here.
What's in that?
It's lasagne.
I know what it is.
I asked what was in it.
Do I look like Delia frickin' Smith?
How d'you like to have your tits dipped in the chip pan, darlin'?
Do you know her, that new woman?
Well, you might say that her bloke
and my Charlie were business competitors.
Oh, I see.
Look, don't worry, you'll be all right.
Just stay out of her way.
Anyway, she's got her sights set on someone else.
You?
It was her or her man fixing it to try and bump my Charlie off.
That's how I landed in here.
It was Renee Williams' husband I took a contract out on to kill.
D'you have to eat like that?
Want one?
Shit! Bitch!
Which bitch is shitting now, eh?
Hey, come on. Leave her alone.
Let's just get a couple of things sorted, all right?
Shouting: All right, sweetheart?! Yeah.
I don't like you.
Or your little boyfriend.
And if I have to share a room with you two monkeys,
get one thing clear.
This is Renee's room.
Ok?
All right.
Wow, ju, you're gonna look gorgeous.
I could go for you myself.
Are you sure?
Trust me.
One look at you and he'll be like putty in your hands.
Well, let's hope not, eh?
Don't you worry.
You sure this is gonna work?
Don't seem very scientific to me.
Science has got nothing to do with it.
Believe me, it'll work.
It's nature, innit?
Don't sound very natural to me, either.
Listen, you just make sure you've got the yoghurt pot at the ready.
Then a clean syringe and bingo.
Oh, I could open my own clinic when I leave here.
Door clunks open you on this evening?
Oh, no, thank god.
If there's one job I loathe in here, it's visiting time.
All pawing each other and telling each other
how much they'll miss the other.
Then afterwards it's back to the girlfriend for him
and the same for her.
Chattering laughter
exclamations of delight
Hello. Hello.
Sit down.
I want you to know...
..This is a real pleasure.
With pleasure, Wanda.
Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
Nobody takes any pictures of me these days.
Still, I haven't changed that much, have I?
Why?
Are you disappointed?
Oh, no. No.
Course not.
Of course...
..Everything works as well today
as it did then, you know.
Oh, yeah, I'm glad to hear it.
All the same, though, I didn't expect this, all these...
All these people.
I thought we'd be on our tods.
It makes it sort of...
..Awkward, doesn't it?
Yeah, but...
..It's exciting, though, innit?
Giggling
got you!
Out! Now!
We weren't doing nothing.
Well, whatever you were doing,
I hope you made the most of it.
Because you two are getting split up - for good!
It'll just be like over the phone.
Only I'll be here - to give you a hand.
Unnatural activities.
Such as?
Denny blood and that new girl are all over each other like bed boils.
It's sickening.
And it's a bad influence.
In what way, exactly?
I beg your pardon.
Perhaps I should remind you, ma'am,
that lesbian activities are against prison rules.
Just how difficult do you want your job to be?
I'm sorry, I don't follow you.
Some rules - not many...
One or two are best turned a blind eye to
if we want to have any chance at all of running an orderly prison.
But it's disgusting.
Then don't watch them when they're at it.
"Don't watch them when they're at it?!"
What does she think I am?!
I think she knows what you are, sylv.
This is a prison.
Not married quarters.
Chattering
What's that?
Nothing.
No.
There is something.
No, it's nothing. Honestly.
Just relax and enjoy yourself.
Clattering that...
What the hell are you doing?!
What's that?
Oh, it's... Just an old yoghurt pot.
What do you want with a yoghurt...?
Oh, hold on.
I get it.
Louder: This is a scam!
Chatter quietens nine months down the line,
you writ me with a paternity suit!
Hushed: No, no, it's not like that!
What's going on here?
Zip snags
I'm waiting, Julies.
He came over the wall... He came in through the kitchens.
It was in the kitchen... Over the wall.
Do you want to try again?
Nah.
We didn't mean no harm.
What, turning larkhall into a soho vice ring?!
No, we didn't, miss.
We're really sorry.
You've got every right to be upset.
Oh. Well, thank you for your understanding.
Now perhaps you'd like to tell me
who else was in on this scam of yours.
No-one. No, it's just us.
Just us. Just you?
Yes, miss.
Karen scoffs no way, Julies.
Yeah, miss. We can be pretty handy when we need to be.
Yeah. We're very experienced, you know. We know what men like.
Oh, well, that was obvious in the visiting room!
There's really no-one else involved.
Honest. Honest.
Hollamby: Come on, you lot!
I want everyone in their cells!
There's been a serious breach of security!
Shit, it's the phones!
What? It's gotta be.
They found out about the phones.
This better not be your bloody mate, Denny!
No way, man, she's cool.
Every cell on the wing's going to have a spin.
What are we gonna do?
'Ere. Take this, Denny. Shell, give her yours.
Come on! Move it!
For goodness' sake, we haven't got all day!
Then go and get yours and dump 'em. Where?
Use your imagination. You just make sure no-one finds them.
Out. No. Out! No!
Out!
Come on, Mabel, get a move on!
Adams! In there!
Hurry up!
Nope.
Knocking at door
hollamby: Who's in there?! It's me, miss! Denny blood!
Well, let's have you out. Now!
Yeah, just a minute.
Toilet flushes
shouts of protest
out the way!
Hollamby tuts not so much as a little black book.
Let alone a mobile phone.
The Julies weren't on their own.
Is that what madam thinks?
As if she knows anything.
All I know is I need a brew.
D'you think that screw means it?
Hollamby?
Splitting us up?
Yeah, she means it.
Wish I had a bag of old oysters.
I love you, shaz.
I thought you'd want to know that the powers that be
have decided to turn a blind eye to your activities.
Yes!
But don't think I will.
What you two do to each other is unnatural and disgusting.
And if the only way to stop it
is finding some way to get you split up,
then I'll do it - one way or the other.
Not if we get to you first, you won't.
What the bloody hell did they think they were doing?
Looks like they was giving some bloke extras.
I'll give them friggin' extras.
Well, they always was a couple of thick old tarts.
Look on the positive side. At least the screws didn't find your phones.
Yeah, but if we haven't got the phones, we can't carry on with the business.
No, but you're not in trouble either.
Be quiet now.
What's this?
Missing out on the gossip, am I?
Love a bit of gossip, I do.
Yeah, well, this is private.
Oh, suit yourself.
Anyhow, talking of gossip, I hear your Charlie got himself banged up.
Stupid thing to do, weren't it?
Coppers got lucky.
Oh, lucky coppers.
Still...
..Must be a weight off your mind, eh?
With you in here?
At least you know Charlie ain't poking any other women.
Don't judge my Charlie by what your old man gets up to.
Oh, I'm not, love.
I'm speaking from experience.
Oh, don't tell me he never 'fessed up about me and him?
Yvonne scoffs
whoops.
In your dreams.
He wouldn't touch you with a barge pole.
Nah, you're right.
It wasn't a barge pole he used.
It was kind of unusual, if I remember.
That nasty little scar he's got just over it.
Couple of inches lower
and he wouldn't have had one to shag me with.
You ain't gonna stand for that, are ya?
Do her!
Door clangs shut
Yvonne sobs quietly
Yvonne sniffs
Subtitles by red bee media