What's gonna happen to me?
She asked you a question.
I really love you, crys.
Do you mean it?
Telephone sex lines?
Just think of it - hot babes behind bars, desperate for it.
They think she's got a malignant brain tumour.
Brain tumour?
I'm whiplash wonder. And I'm saucy Sonia.
We thought we could do a one-on-one or a nympho sisters number.
I'm gonna see you first thing tomorrow, yeah, at the gate. Yeah?
Yeah. Tomorrow.
Yeah, well, listen, mister,
you're saying you want a bad-mouth bitch?
I ain't even started on you yet.
Well, it's tough, innit?
Cos I'm getting out tomorrow.
Not now, you're not.
Oh, yeah.
Now I'm taking it off. Mmm.
I'm unhooking my bra.
Oh, you finished then?
All right, then.
Till next time... Big boy.
Ugh! Don't share after that.
So how long are you in for this time, dawn?
Three months.
Nice one.
Here, them's for you girls.
That's if you can face them after that phone call.
You're in a good mood today, shell.
Yeah, well, I'm moving back onto enhanced, ain't I?
And about time an' all. I suppose you deserve it
after what you've been through with your kiddies.
Yeah. Must have been hard, though, I guess. Yeah, hard.
What are you up to then, barbs?
I'm keeping a weekly record of all the food they give us
and then I'm going to show it to miss betts.
I mean, look at it!
High cholesterol, nothing fresh,
hardly any fibre.
Wouldn't wanna give you a heart attack, would we?
Just a minute... next!
Why are you being so hard on her?
She's all right, barbs. Yeah, she helped us with the Internet thingy.
So? She's a smug bitch.
She's only been here two minutes and she thinks she owns the place.
She needs taking down a peg or two.
You can sit with me if you want, zandra.
Sure you don't mind? Why would I?
It might be catching.
It's what this lot seem to think, anyway.
I don't know why they give me so much.
On a diet?
Yes, enforced by Michelle dockley.
What are you doing?
It's no good to me, innit?
You've got to keep your strength up.
I'm gonna die soon.
What are you staring at?!
They're just embarrassed. They don't know what to say.
And you do, do you?
Oh, yeah.
You're that mercy killer, aren't you?
Wanna do me while you're at it, do you?
It's ok.
It's just that no-one talks about it.
They all pretend that nothing's happening.
Apart from crystal.
And now they've gone and taken her away from me.
Well, I'm here.
Any time you want.
Hiya.
Hi.
I'm just gonna go and see someone.
Hey. Did you get a message to her, yeah? Yeah.
She says she's sorry,
but you're really not to worry.
What do you mean, don't worry? She's mad. Cos she's not worried.
The thing is, Josh, she done the whole thing on purpose. Purpose.
What? She wanted to get caught.
Cos she wanted to stay with zandra. In her hour of need.
And she hoped you'd understand.
Yeah.
I wouldn't want to spoil no-one's plans, would I?
No.
My plans don't count for nothing, do they?
Maybe we could have put that a bit better.
Come on, dockley, get a move on.
Aren't you going to go in there and give her a hand, sir?
Shut it, Wade.
I really appreciate all the support I'm being given, sir.
I ain't gonna let you and miss betts down, I promise.
Cut the speeches, dockley, there' no oscars in here.
Don't be a stranger now!
Place won't be the same without ya!
Aw, babs, don't worry.
I'll keep in touch.
What's up?
Just thinking about Robbie.
What's gonna happen to him?
I suppose you think I'm a sad case, don't you?
Why?
Choosing to stay in here
when I could have got out.
No.
I'm glad you did, though.
Agh! What is it?
Nothing.
It's just the painkiller's wearing off, that's all.
We'll get you some more. Come on, I'll help you get back in. Oh...
Hiya, girl.
She let you out? Course!
Laid it on the line, didn't I?
Got extra days no problem.
Hey! You should be in your class, not here.
You're the best mate ever.
Come on, move it!
Love you, crystal.
Laughter
COD Russian accent: Oh, yes, we have a lot of naughty girls here.
I have to keep them all in check.
Punish them if they've been really bad.
Michelle's doing her Olga.
She makes out she's the bitch screw.
Gets some of them going, sad bastards.
There are a lot of ways.
Sometimes I give them a strip search.
I make them take off their clothes and then...
I'm getting turned on myself.
It's a laugh, though.
I get to give them tossers a load of abuse and I get paid for it.
Should give it a go, mate. I'd have to think of a name.
I know - you could be hairy Mary!
Hairy Mary? Yeah!
No, I'm not kidding.
All he wanted her to do was to tell her about her shoes
and then he starts going on about sniffing them and all sorts.
Hey, I could be Nelly with the smelly...
You all right?
Plackett?
Zandra?
Muffled shouting
Zandra, are you all right?
Yeah. I'm just bleedin' dying, that's all.
What are you all staring at?
What am I, a bloody freak show, or what?
Shame I can't split open my skull.
Then you could all have a good gawp at what's inside.
Come on.
I saw you come in.
Aren't you pleased to see me?
So, uh, how long did you get?
30 days.
Congratulations.
I hope you're happy now.
Don't be like that. Please.
You should see the state she's in, Josh. I couldn't leave her.
Ah, no, but you could leave me
standing outside like an idiot, yeah?
Just waiting and waiting? I was gonna tell you.
But I thought you might talk be out of it.
It's not like you think. I know exactly what it was like, crys.
Some secret little pact between you and your god
that I obviously wasn't good enough to let in on.
What do you mean, my god?
He's yours an' all, you know.
Even now, you can't let go, can you?
If I'm gonna marry someone, yeah,
I want it to be a real person,
not some kind of Saint.
Couldn't compete with that.
Marry?
Josh?
Do you know what? You know what?
You might as well have it. It's no use to me.
And they can sob my notice, an' all.
I just want out of here.
Josh!
Crystal?
Are you awake?
Yeah.
Can I come in with you?
Course.
Crystal...
I don't wanna die.
It ain't dying.
It's like...
..Walking out of prison...
..Into the fresh air and the sunshine.
Leaving all the bad things behind.
You know all this god stuff?
Do you really think it's true?
I know it is.
What if he's angry with me?
I've never been to church.
Prayed.
He'll understand.
I know a prayer.
Someone taught it to me when I was little.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the lord my soul to keep
and if I die before I wake
I pray the lord my soul to take.
Do you think that'll do?
I think that'll be fine, girl.
Oh, I've forgotten my notebook.
I think I'll just nip back and get it.
Still recording our diet for betts? Absolutely.
I'll save you a place in the queue.
What do you think you're doing?
Having a good read.
You've got no right!
Oh, really? I reckon I've got every right.
After all, some of it's about me, innit?
Now, where was that bit again?
Oh, yeah, here we are.
"Shell dockley is definitely a psychopath."
Now, that's not very nice, is it, babs?
Give it back!
I think we've forgotten our manners, haven't we? What do you say?
Please. Afraid I can't.
Not till I've finished it.
I'll report you!
Who to? Hollamby?
That "idle, good-for-nothing bigot"?
She scoffs
she laughs
Hey. If you're busy, I'll come back later.
No. It's ok.
I heard you got a bit upset yesterday.
Yeah.
I lost it, didn't I?
Yeah. Well, it's good to let it all out sometimes.
I think you're coping really well, all things considered.
I just wish I was more use.
You are.
You help me get through.
Just like you helped me get off the smack.
Sometimes I...
What?
Sometimes I daydream about what things could have been like
if I didn't have this.
I'd got clean.
I'd have finished my sentence.
And then...
..When I got out, maybe...
I don't suppose it would have worked, would it?
I don't suppose.
It might have.
Hey...
I shouldn't have done that.
I'm sorry.
Don't be.
At least one of my dreams came true.
All right? All right. I'm holding a prayer meeting for zandra
in the chapel in half an hour. You all coming? Yeah, we'll come.
Won't we, ju? Yeah, be nice. I'll come as well.
What to? Don't we get an invite?
Sure you do. We're holding a prayer meeting for zandra.
Forget it! I ain't sitting around, talking to a load of fresh air.
Anyway, if there was a god, he wouldn't have given her
a bleedin' brain tumour, would he?
Unless, of course, he's a psychopath, like me!
How about you, Denny? No. I'm not much good at that kind of thing.
It's never too late to try. We thought we'd do something nice
for zand. Maybe give her a party. Maybe.
Yeah, right. A party's really what you want
when you're about to peg it. I think it's a good idea.
It's a way of showing her we care.
Agree with these two?
I thought you reckoned that they was a bit backward?
What are you on about?
Nothing. I don't know where I picked that up from.
Ooh! Phone!
Sexy voice: Hi. Whiplash Wanda. What can I do you for today?
Normal voice: Oh, hi, John. We'll turn 'em off in the chapel.
Oh, he's invited me out to dinner, the soul.
I don't know why you think mr fenner's untrustworthy, babs.
What's he ever done to you? Keep it shut, dockley.
Just one of Michelle's little jokes, I suppose.
No zandra today, then?
Crystal said she's not up to coming out.
You all right?
Fine.
I know she really appreciates everything you're doing for her.
I don't know about that.
I think it might be better if she had another personal officer.
Someone who was...
I dunno.
Less involved?
If you can't step back from it, you hand over to someone else.
It's a good rule.
What's more important?
That someone who's had nothing but shit all her life
finds a little bit of love at the last minute?
Or that you have the satisfaction of knowing
you haven't broken any rules?
What I'm saying is...
..Don't beat yourself up about it.
Didn't see you at lunch.
I wasn't hungry.
Come on, spit it out.
It's dockley, isn't it?
She's got my notebook.
I see.
I didn't think she'd know a word like "untrustworthy".
And I can't report her because there are things in there about...
The screws.
You wouldn't wanna do that anyway.
If you grass, it wouldn't just be dockley who was on your back.
Then what do I do?
I would offer to go and kick her face in for you, but...
No, I know.
You've got to keep out of trouble if you're going to appeal.
Not just that. Look, it would only put her off for a while.
She'd catch you on your own at some point.
You have to take her own yourself. Oh, yeah, I can just see that!
Me, a 50-year-old woman, fighting Michelle dockley?
Whatever. You can't keep running away,
or she'll make your life hell.
Here you are, my darling.
Here, look what Yvonne give us!
This is so nice of you.
I thought a party would be a good idea, what, with you dying an' all.
She's right.
I am dying.
About time someone mentioned it.
Doesn't stop me from enjoying myself, while I'm here, does it?
Cheers, guys.
All: Cheers, zand.
Outside: Anyone seen John?
Screw.
What's going on in here, then?
We just popped in to see zand, sir.
Cheer her up, like. Yeah.
One hour. Max.
Thanks.
Dominic.
They snigger
all: Cheers, mr McAllister.
They laugh
So, what's it like sharing a cell with Wade, then?
Fine. It's just that I thought lesbians give you the creeps.
Babs reckons if only you could meet a nice young man,
all your problems would be solved.
I think you'll find your information's a bit out of date.
Isn't it, Barbara? Yes.
Why don't you tell us where you got this from, dockley?
All right. I will.
I nicked a little diary, didn't I?
Cos I didn't see why this bleedin' hooray
should stand around making notes on all of us
without us having a right to see 'em.
What ain't right is you nicking someone's diary.
That's her private thoughts, innit?
Oh. So it's all right for her to sit here being all nice to zand
and what she really thinks is,
you deserve to have your baby taken off ya.
How dare you use zandra to get back at me like that!
Why don't you go and get the notebook, Michelle,
and then you can show it to them all in black and white?
She won't, cos then she'll see all the other things I wrote about you.
But it's true.
I did write those things she said.
But it was stupid, and it was ignorant
and it was before I got to know you all.
The only person I haven't changed my mind about is you.
You are a psychopath.
And you are cruel and you are spiteful!
You'd better get out of here now
before I cut your smug little face up!
She ain't going nowhere.
This is my party, and I can ask who I want.
It's you that can piss off, shell.
Huh!
Suits me.
It's boring anyway.
It's like being at a bleedin' funeral.
Others laugh
stupid cow.
You all right, Barbara?
I still think it's disgusting, the way they treated zand.
Oh, yeah. Hey.
Maybe they're making it all up.
What? About the brain tumour.
Trying to teach you a lesson, with you being a smackhead.
I wouldn't put it past those bastards.
Well, Denny, be sure to knock on my coffin, yeah?
Just in case I'm having you on.
Give us a drink, girl.
Oh, my phone's vibrating.
I'm gonna get one of them.
Hiya, darling. It's saucy Sonia.
You wanna play?
Bleedin' pervert.
Guess what he wants me to do? What?
Baa!
Baa? Baa! Like a sheep!
Shut up!
Dare you.
Others laugh
baa.
Ask him if he wants a twosome.
Baa! Baa!
Both: Maa!
Maa!
Laughter echoes
what's all that racket coming from the dorm?
Leave it. They're not doing any harm.
Let them have their fun.
They'll be up to something.
Anyway, it's lock-up time.
I said leave it!
Moo!
Cluck-cluck-cluck!
Baa!
Oh, come on, crystal, even you must see the funny side of it.
No!
Zandra?
The guv's holding a memorial service for her.
Two o'clock.
Well, we're the only ones she had, aren't we?
I don't suppose anyone will go to her funeral.
Did she not have any family?
Just the baby.
Come on, girl.
Let's get this over with.
I ain't got nothing black. Nearest I've got is blue.
Do you think zandra'll mind?
No.
How about this?
Short, innit?
What's the matter? Are you all right? Oh, yeah.
I was just thinking about zandra's kiddie.
How he's going to grow up never knowing who she was.
Just like mine.
They're back in touch with you now, ju.
Yeah. It's not the same, is it?
It's not the same as having them with you all the time.
No.
I missed years, ju.
Years.
Next!
Hiya.
Hi.
Hey, miss. Are pets allowed to visit?
No, love. I'm sorry. That's against the rules.
Oh, shame.
Do you have karaoke in here?
Yeah. Every Friday night(!)
Cool! And have you got a pool table?
I'm good at that. Hey, this is not some kind of holiday camp, you know.
Voices outside
Right, here goes.
Uh, where's Dominic?
He said he had something to do.
The service is due to start.
Baby grizzles
I thought zandra would have wanted him here.
How did you manage that?
Don't ask.
Well done, son.
Come on.
Organ music plays
We are here today to celebrate the memory of zandra plackett.
When Jesus was on the cross,
he said to one of the criminals being crucified with him,
"this day you shall be with me in paradise."
"It makes no difference to god that zandra was in prison
or why she was there.
What is important is that zandra made her own kind of peace with god
before she died.
And today, I believe that she is with him,
in paradise.
Zandra left me this.
She wanted me to read it to you all.
So here goes.
"The good thing about knowing you're gonna die
"is that you get to say stuff you wouldn't get away with
"if you were still alive.
"I can just picture you all sitting there.
"My mates and all the screws.
"Old bodybag, and mr fenner eyeing up all the women
"when he thinks the guv's not looking."
Gasps and giggles
"I want to say thanks to all my special mates
"for sticking by me.
"Denny, who ain't the brightest person in the world,
"but who always made me laugh.
"The two Julies for being like a mum to me.
"Mr McAllister. I'm sure he won't mind me calling him Dominic...
"Dominic, who stuck by me and got me off the smack.
"But most of all, crystal,
"my best friend.
"She helped me not to be afraid of dying.
"Love you, crystal.
"I done a lot of bad things in my life that I ain't proud of.
"The best thing I ever did was have my baby, Robbie.
"But I even messed that up in the end.
"I'd like to hold him one last time and tell him how sorry I am
"and how much I love him.
"But I can't.
"I hope, one day, one of my mates can tell him instead.
"Ps. I want you to sing Kumbaya when you've finished this...
"Not cos I like it, but I remember how it used to drive
"old bodybag mad when you sang it all the time.
♪ Kumbaya, my lord
♪ Kumbaya
all: ♪ Kumbaya, my lord
♪ Kumbaya
♪ Kumbaya, my lord
♪ Kumbaya
♪ oh, lord, Kumbaya
♪ someone's singing, lord
♪ Kumbaya
♪ someone's singing, lord
♪ Kumbaya
♪ someone's singing, lord
♪ Kumbaya
♪ oh, lord, Kumbaya... ♪
singing fades
Hiya!
Oh, cool, I'm sharing!
Yeah. There's two of us.
Denny and crystal.
Crystal's just got off the block.
What for? Losing her temper.
We don't like that in here, so be warned.
I never lose me temper, me.
Anyway, that's your bed
and that's your locker.
So, where is everyone, anyway?
Or is it always this quiet?
Well, most of them are at a funeral.
Well, a memorial service.
Why? Who died?
Zandra.
Actually, she used to be in here.
Shit! I've not got her bed, have I?
Do you know, this is the second time this has happened to me!
I'll have the other.
So, what are they like?
The ones I'm sharing with. All right, yeah.
Crystal's got religion and Denny...
Denny's got charm.
Nice playing, babs.
Shame about the hands.
How could you?
And in church too! That was blasphemous!
Good at the long words, ain't ya, babs.
Not so clever about staying out of my way, though.
I'm going to my cell now.
See if I can remember where I hid that nice sharp razorblade.
Dockley, do us all a favour -
when you find it, use it on yourself.
So, where's Robin?
Waiting outside in the car park.
He thought if he came in here, he might get lynched. Probably right.
Anyway, I'd better get him back.
You did well, dom.
I know it hasn't been easy for you.
You should be proud of yourself.
Come on, that's enough now. Back to your cells.
Can I just hold him before he goes home? Yeah, course you can.
One day, when you're old,
I'm gonna tell you all about your mummy.
Yeah? God help the poor little mite.
Robbie cries
All right, darlin'.
Hiya. I'm shaz. Denny.
So you must be crystal.
Hallelujah!
No, I'm shell. I'm just visiting.
Shell's on enhanced. What's that?
It's where you go when you're good.
Oh, yeah. Wall-to-wall carpet, your own private bathroom.
Oh, right!
So, shaz...
..Got any stash? No. I've got some rollies, if you want one.
I'd like to take your word for it,
but, uh,
I think we're gonna have to do a little strip search.
Shut the door, den.
You heard her, shell.
She said she ain't got none.
Huh!
I don't envy you, locked up in here with her all night.
You wanna watch your back.
And your nose - she farts in her sleep. I don't!
I don't, man. So long as she doesn't set light to them.
They giggle
yeah, well, I haven't got time to stand around here
talking to a kid.
I'll see you, den. See you later.
At least he's gone to a nice place. He won't want for nothing, will he?
Except his mum.
He won't even have a photo of her.
They'll just want to brush her under the carpet, like Andy did with me.
Hey. Them kiddies love you.
No, they don't.
You've seen their letters - they're polite, that's all.
Must feel like they're writing to a stranger.
Yeah, but once we get out of here, go and get them...
Oh, leave it out, ju. Hey?
You know as well as I do - it ain't never gonna happen.
I've lost 'em.
And that's that.
What's the problem?
Headaches.
Why do you people waste my time?
Go and see the nurse and get a couple of aspirin.
Ain't you gonna give me an eye test?
Then, when the headaches get worse,
you can put it down to me not wearing my glasses!
I beg your pardon! And then, when it gets really bad
and they find that it's a brain tumour...
You're going to find yourself put on report for this!
You didn't give a toss, did you?
And you don't now neither!
Prisoners shout
you murdering bastard!
Get her off me!
The lord knows, doesn't he?
He'll make sure you burn in hell!
That's for zandra.
I don't know what you keep staring at her for.
She ain't gonna be interested in you, is she?
No. I'm just watching the game, that's all.
Yes! Nice shot, mate.
Cheers. Do you want a game?
Yeah. Yeah, all right.
So, what are you in here for, anyway?
Nicking gobstoppers? Triple murder.
Do you want a break? Yeah.
I'm going upstairs.
It's boring here.
Right, now's your chance. I can't.
It's all bluff, Barbara, even with her.
Just act confident.
She's got shit for brains. You can outdo here any day.
Ok.
I'll be waiting outside
but you've got to face her on your own.
Nice to see you, babs.
What can I do you for?
You can give me back my notebook.
Go on, then. I finished it, anyway.
Well, hurry up.
Before I change me mind.
Too late! I just have!
Nikki!
Barbara screams
shame. Looks like she's chickened out.
She gasps
I'll tell you what, it made good bedtime reading,
especially the bit about your old man, Peter.
I bet he wasn't dying of cancer at all, was he?
I bet you just got sick of him!
Now, why would that be, eh, babs?
Wasn't he giving you any? Argh!
Don't you dare even say his name, do you hear?! Not ever!
Agh!
Ohh...
But even if we don't get your kids back, ju, we'll be all right.
I mean, we're still gonna live together, aren't we? Yeah, course.
My David will be home in the holidays.
We'll have a great time.
You're like a second mum to him now, anyway.
I love him to bits an' all,
but it ain't the same, innit?
He ain't mine.
Well, sod it, then.
Hey?
We could bloody well start from scratch.
What?
It ain't too late, ju.
You've still got a womb
and you ain't on the change yet. You can have another baby.
Another baby?
But how?
I mean, I'm in here, ain't I? There's ways and there's means.
Subtitles by red bee media