- Like to join us for a drink? - Sorry, mates, I'm busy.
Tell me about your character, 'cause I am your biggest fan.
I'm busy. I'm waiting for someone.
When you stage kiss, do you use tongues or no tongues?
Look, you.
I'm only having a joke!
Oh, look, my boyfriend's here.
Oh, Mr. Kreed, hi.
Hello, son.
- Hello, baby. - Hello.
What are you doing out here?
They threw me out because of my mobile phone.
Don't stand out here. How many times have told you
- it's full of scumbags? - Sorry.
Come over here. I want to talk for a moment.
What?
I've got something for you. Here.
- What's this? - Well, it's a present.
Baby.
- What are you trying to say? - What do you think?
- Go on, say it. - Yes, or no?
Do you want me to marry you? Say it, come on.
Yes, or no?
What do you mean? Are you asking me to marry you?
- Yes, or no? - Babe!
I've got a bit of business now. I'll be home about 11:00.
I'll see you at home. I won't be late.
Aren't we even gonna have a glass of champagne together?
Tonight I will. I've just gotta go.
- What are you doing? - I love you to bits.
Don't hang around here, they're all scumbags.
"Sleep like a baby."
"My little lady."
"Dream till the sunrise."
"Creeps into your eyes."
"Dream till the sunrise."
"Turns on the day."
"In the avenues and alleyways."
"While you sleep there's a whole world coming alive."
"Abel and his brother."
"Fighting one another."
"In and out of every dive."
"In the avenues and alleyways."
"Where the strong and the quick alone can survive."
"Look around the jungle."
"See the rough and tumble."
"Listen to the squealer cry."
"Then a little later."
"In the morning paper."
"Read about the way he died."
When I was a child I was terrified of insects.
Horrible, crawling, foul things, especially flies.
But my best friend, Jude, taught me how to conquer this fear.
First we caught them, then we touched them.
And before long, we could hold them, even pull their wings off.
Jude explained it wasn't an act of cruelty, it was an act of discipline.
When I pulled those wings off, I realized he was right.
He showed me you can gain strength through violence.
And with power and control you can do anything.
Jude's uncle was Ray Kreed.
He taught him to never back down.
Always look them in the eye and keep going until you've won.
So as things turned out, Jude became a somebody.
And me, I became a courier.
See, the thing is, another 10 stretch, right,
you could be trainee supervisor.
I can get you right under my wing.
Another five years on from then... who knows?
You could be sitting where I'm sitting, doing what I'm doing.
What you gotta do... look at me when I'm talking to you, Jon,
because I mean this. This is coming from the heart.
What I'm telling you... it's not just something that comes up.
It takes years of experience.
In 20 years, you're going to be sitting here
telling some young pup the same thing.
I made a decision to get out of my rut.
It's funny, isn't it, how everyone wants to be somebody else?
So, what do you think? I mean...
I don't know, mate, 20 years. You know, I love you, but no.
My friends are my friends and my family is my business
and I never mix them, I never have.
I know, and I've never asked you about this...
You've never asked me because that's always been the case.
Exactly, and I know I didn't want to encroach on that side of your life,
but I think, I honestly think that this would work.
And I think if you gave me a chance to put it to your uncle
then he'd go for it, I do.
When I looked at Jude I realized what a rut I was in.
He'd gone to the best schools.
He worked for his uncle, the biggest gangster in London.
He had a life.
Me?
I was in hell.
First time I saw him, there he was, you know, London's biggest gangster,
singing on his karaoke.
Well, that's another thing about gangsters, we're all performers.
"Oh, yeah, come on, people."
"Oh, yeah."
"If they tell me of a pie up in the sky."
"Waiting for me when I die."
"But between the day you're born and when you die."
"You never seem to hear even no cry."
"So as sure as the sun will shine"
"I'm gonna get my share, what's mine."
"And then the harder they come..."
- Hey, how are you? - All right. Who's your mate?
That's Jon.
His hair's a bit short.
Anyone told you you look like "Data" out of "Star Trek"?
Very sharp. He's sharp, ain't he?
Does he want to go in? He does though, doesn't he?
"Oppressors are trying to keep me down."
"Trying to drag me underground."
"And they think they got this battle won..."
I was pulling me plum under the sink and she walked in and caught me.
So since that day I couldn't get it up.
That's what it is, then. It's a guilt trip, ain't it?
Well, she caught you... having a Jodrell...
Now you've got all guilt on your hands.
I know. It's very embarrassing. I was embarrassed.
"...the harder they fall one and all..."
Two pints and a packet of salted nuts for me. Cheers.
Where is he?
- That's him. - " Here we go, big boy..."
- What, singing? - Yeah.
- " Come on, people..." - He's pretty good, isn't he?
- Yeah. When can I talk to him? - After the singing.
"Gonna keep on fighting for the things I want..."
After the entire karaoke. Nothing comes before karaoke.
All right.
There's only two things that have scared me in life:
Flies... and Ray.
Well, I mean, it's quite simple really, 'cause I work as a courier.
We have access to a lot of credit cards.
That's what I've mostly been delivering these days.
They come through all the time, so obviously, we can get to the cards.
Now, there is a risk of someone cottoning on,
getting a pinch, but I'm prepared to take that risk.
Also, we can remove the cards from the packages,
deliver the packages intact, and still get the...
Yeah, I know how it works.
Come here, Jude.
Jonny Crow?
He's a bit soft on the family. He's well impressed by it.
I want to give him this chance. I need this chance.
Look, if he gets nicked and it comes back on us,
they start meddling themselves in our business. All right?
Now, he ain't family.
I love you, like my son... I don't know him.
I know you don't. You gotta take that from me.
20 years I have known him... nearly 20 years!
Do you remember that odd woman my mom used to know?
You want this, don't you?
Yeah, I do.
He's your responsibility. You gotta keep an eye on him.
I want to.
- All right. Come on. - Wicked.
You mean to say you haven't had a hard-on in four months?
- Yeah. - You're joking?
I'm not joking. It's not funny, is it?
Your pecker's gonna heal up, if you don't get something done.
I know, but I can't understand it.
Before that we had an active sex life.
I was giving it to her at least three times a month.
Three times a month?
I do it three times a night now.
Oh, don't tell me that!
How long have I been with Maureen? Four, five years,
and I do it three times a night now.
When we started, we were doing it six, seven times...
Oh, I don't want to hear that, thank you very much.
That was in an hour!
I thought you'd help me out somehow.
I can't feel anything down there.
It's like the devil possessed it and took it away.
I'll see you tomorrow.
All right, mate, see you later.
- See you later. - Bye, "Mr. Kray."
- All right? - Yeah, you did well.
You're not in the gang yet, though.
"Yeah, I feel like a force of nature."
Hello, baby.
"Could make you sing like a bird released."
"If what you seek is the wise man's treasure."
"You know it's buried beneath your feet."
"You know you look like a faded picture"
"I see the cracks..."
Sshhh!
I'm falling in love with you, too.
- Can I kiss you, darling? - Kiss me.
Your breath is so sweet.
And... cut.
I told you no tongue, didn't I?
Marvelous. Super.
Exactly the sort of love bunnies I was looking for.
Just one thing...
I thought you said he was a back door merchant?
- It's a fucking screen kiss. - You help them when they're busy?
- Oh, shut up. - A "screen kiss"?
Your tongue's halfway down his throat!
- Have you been going home... - Ray! Ray!
- Go make yourself busy! - Don't upset her.
Go away or I'll cut your face off! Go away!
Don't fucking interfere when you come to my work.
I'm not interfering, but his tongue's down your throat,
you don't know where it's been!
It's probably been wrapped around his cock all night!
- Or someone's cock! - Ray, listen...
Mate, you're fat and I'll throw you in the river.
Now go away!
- Stop it! - No, I'm not having it!
Have you been going home with him at night,
playing with him? Practicing with him?
Remember the credit cards?
We were turning over 15 grand a week in the end.
Ray's getting a nice, little bit extra,
and I'm getting well in there with the gang.
Do you want one?
Thank you.
Total is... oh, ¡Ì4,225.
My round, ain't it?
No, I insist. I'll get it because I've got the platinum.
Oh, you're too kind.
Stick that through, mate, and put a little on for yourself.
That's fine, sir. Thank you.
I'm sorry, "Miss Smith," your card's been rejected.
If you put it through again it'll be all right.
- Sorry, sir, I can't put... - It's all right. Get it on me.
I'm sorry, I'm not accepting any of these cards.
I'm keeping your card as well, sir.
He's stressing me out.
Get your kicks in!
No, wait. Enough. Enough.
Come on. Out. Out.
Come on. Out.
- Tape. - What?
Hurry up!
Where's your tape?
Where's your tape for the cameras?
- I haven't got one! - Don't muck around!
- Where's the tape? - It's 'round the back.
- Round the back here? - Yes.
- I'll take a check. - Be quiet, you slag!
Where was you when this was going on?
- What was you doing? - This guy...
- Who bashed up the shopkeeper? - Well, Dom did.
We're all fucking grasses now. Sorry, darling. You all right?
Is that what we do? We beat up... shut up!
Do we beat up shopkeepers? Is that what we do?
In Dom's defense, the guy was very effeminate.
- He was a poof. - Are you joking me?
- Ray? - What?
He was very, very busy.
Shut up! Take him away, he's winding me up!
Get out!
- He was very busy. - Shut up!
There's no harm done. We got the tape.
Jon, get here! Jude, get over there! Get away from them mugs!
Get away! Get over there!
It's all right, mate.
See this? Do you understand the implications of this?
I can get 15 years! Me! I can get 15 years
if the Old Bill got hold of that!
It was only Jon going in and getting it that saves me getting 15 years.
You're on the firm, Jon. You, out!
It's good, though, ain't it?
That's all very well, Jon,
but a blade ain't really a very effective weapon
when you're up against someone who's trained
in several different kinds of martial arts.
No, really, these hands are like deadly weapons.
I can protect myself. Go on, go for it.
Stab me.
Will it do, that?
He stabbed me!
He done me in the guts!
Here, here, look at his face!
Oh, sorry, "Bruce."
What do I do, leave it in or take it out?
Here, here, here. Leave it in and go out.
Ray, Dom, take him out. Take him up the road somewhere,
he's bleeding all over the carpet.
It hurts!
Aggh-hh!
Here, Jon, here's your knife back.
That is classic, mate. That is absolutely classic.
I booked you an appointment at the sex clinic.
- You might have asked me first. - It's a brilliant one.
Me and Maureen went there for a long time.
Yeah, but Kathy ain't gonna have that.
No, I'm not saying... Ww!
Stay there.
Oh, don't leave me.
Where are you going?
It's... it's really hurting now!
Oh!
Gotta find hospital.
There's no signal!
You got that 500 you owe us?
What?
Wind the window down.
Have you got that 500?
Ray?
What?
Geezer owes us 500, he only got a long un'.
- Who is he? - It's just a muppet.
No, gotta have the money.
He wants the 500.
Ray, he's adamant. He ain't got it.
- I've gotta have the money. - But he ain't having it.
Get the money.
He wants the 500. He ain't having it, Ray.
Bill, go get that money.
Wind the window down.
He owes us 500, right? He's only got 100 on him,
and he won't wind the window down.
Wind the window down.
Open the window.
Bill, open the window.
He'll keep hitting it until it breaks.
He'll keep hitting it.
Told you.
Have I got your attention?
Yeah, man, you could say that.
You've got to put your mind to your wedding.
Sadie's not gonna put up with it much longer.
- There's not long to go. - I've got too much on my plate.
It's Sadie's job, and girls can sort that out.
I need someone who can organize something like that.
Someone who's good at organizing...
Mark, come here, I've got a bit of work for you.
What's that?
I need you to organize my wedding.
What?
I need someone who's good at organizing weddings.
You're good at organizing things. I need you to do it.
Take the car. Go home and see the girls.
- I can't organize a wedding, Ray. - Talk to Sadie about it
and just keep an eye on it for Ray.
Them chat lines, are we getting a few quid out of them?
Do you want a church wedding, Ray?
Whatever she wants. I'll have whatever she wants.
- We should expand. - So, we'll expand then.
Are you Catholic or Protestant?
I'm Jewish. What the fucking hell does it matter?
Just get it done. Away you go. Take the car.
Could it be to do with something like...
I had a bad fall and I think I might have broken the bone in me cock?
Could have.
'Cause the thing what happens is... From the back, from your spine...
Say that's your spine, right?
The bone slips forward up your willy like that.
- That's right. - So, you could break it.
So, if I'd have sort of broke a bit it might not...
That's why it flips about a bit.
But it would click like that.
The first thing I need to say, Kathy, and Ray,
is that Ray's impotence is entirely normal.
It's very common for men to have impotence.
But quite often, the woman feels rejected
and they feel it's something personal.
- Is that how you feel, Kathy? - Well, yeah, I do.
Part of me feels that it's probably my fault.
Oh, don't be silly. Of course it's not your fault.
I've put on a bit of weight over the last couple of years.
- Kathy, don't be silly. - Well, I don't know.
I still love you. If I went bald would you love me?
Well, yeah.
So, don't be silly.
You just don't know, do you?
Ray, can you masturbate?
- Beg your pardon? - Do you masturbate?
Are you able to get an erection when you masturbate?
- I don't masturbate, mate. - No, you do.
- No, I don't. - Of course you do.
There was that one time you reckon you caught me out.
But you wouldn't be normal if you didn't.
I don't then and I'm abnormal.
You feel ashamed about masturbation, don't you, Ray?
Have you got a thing about this, or what?
No, I don't feel ashamed about masturbation,
'cause I don't masturbate. And if you don't mind
using that type of language in front of my missus, please.
Masturbation's an entirely normal thing, Ray.
Well, it might be for you, but it's not for me.
This is what I mean. This is what it's like all the time.
If we try and talk about anything
he goes back to being like a 16-year-old.
- Don't be silly. - You do, though.
No, I don't.
I can't believe you hit him.
I am not having anyone talk like that in front of you.
I give him a little slap. That was it.
So, how'd it go then?
He reckons it's down to stress due to the work.
That's not bad.
I'll tell you another thing, I'm never going back to him again.
You've got to give it time. You've gotta go a few times.
It's not gonna just work straight away.
You need a good few sessions. I'll tell you what,
you ought to get a bit kinky. Do you like domination?
We like that, don't we? You need to dress up for him.
Why don't you go up west, look aound the sex shops
and get a few toys? What about handcuffs?
What you need to do is try different things.
Have you tried inserting things into Ray? He might like it.
Like a cucumber, or something like that.
- Oh, leave it out. - You've gotta use toys.
Spice it up a bit. Use some food, use the honey,
experiment a little bit and don't be shy.
I mean, it was just like watching a gangster film.
All that "love interest." It gets in the way.
All the time you're watching it, you can tell
the woman is going to fuck it all up in the end.
And that's the thing about women...
You never know what's going on in their minds.
You know, I feel I've got to get away from London,
and, I don't know, become a farmer.
- What? - Out in the country, you know?
Become a farmer, or just... enjoy the land. Enjoy England.
This is my gaff. This is my England.
And I want to enjoy that.
I'll trust you with this. You keep this to yourself,
but I kind of feel soft, you know?
You feel soft?
Listen, babe, remember when I first met you, that night at King's Head?
Yeah, I know.
That's the man I fell in love with.
Yeah, but I don't enjoy fighting anymore.
You had power. You were strong. You made decisions.
That's who I love.
I don't love Ray the gentle giant, do I?
I love Ray the tough man.
Yeah, well... I don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm just talking bollocks.
- You all right? - Yeah.
Come on. Let's have a walk.
So, just as soon as I'm about to come... you turn into the cabin boy.
That dream don't mean you're gay!
I mean, you know, that's stupid.
It must mean something, mustn't it?
I think it's all part of the stress, that's all.
Come on, let's see how "big bad wolf" is.
- Oh, please, Kathy. - You never know.
What's the matter with you? Don't give up so quick.
Leave it! It's hurting!
I don't think that hurts!
What are you doing? You trying to pull it off?
No, I just got to put some life into it.
Ain't I, Ray? That's all.
I'm going out to a meeting.
That's part of the problem, isn't it, mate?
Do you know what I mean? When we get down to it,
you go off to work, and that's where all the stress comes from.
I'm going to end up barren.
Go on, yeah, fuck off to work. I'll stay here.
I've got no children to look after, have I?
I might as well stay in bed all day eating chocolates.
You're absolutely right, this is not one of ours.
- I'm right, ain't I? - Yeah, it's not our machine.
Where are the other three? Where's our three gone?
Don't know.
- Do you want a pint? - I'd love one.
Two pints and a packet of salted nuts, please.
What's the problem with the machine?
Yeah, all right. I'm coming down.
Well, whose poxy machine is it? Whose is it?
To be honest, it looks like one of Sean's. Yeah.
But worse still... our three have gone.
Who's there with you? What's that noise?
Jude? Jude!
Jude, what's the noise?
- Oi, Ray! - What?
Put that back. You'll get four years for that.
Jude, can you hear me?
Well... I think Jonny's... Can't I have a day off?
What's going on there?
You know we've got 57 sex shops, right?
And I am the enforcer. I mean, I enforce.
You've seen me. How many times do I come in here?
Four?
Yeah, four, five times a week. Well, when we do the rounds.
I am both feared and revered.
If you know what... at the same time.
It's sort of a mutual sort of respect, admiration...
Oi, shut up. Go and make me a cup of tea.
Do Dom and Ray want one?
Don't ask me. Hop it. Ask them yourself.
Sugar?
One.
Now, this is what it would look like if you were angry.
- If you were working properly. - But it wouldn't look like that.
- Why not? - Because it's black!
Forget that. Just act like this strap-on is you.
It's an extension of your manhood, all right?
- All right. - Then... This is Kathy.
You've got that wrong now. Psychologically, it's all wrong.
Kathy ain't got all joins all over her and things.
Fucking poxy phones. Poxy phones.
"Please leave your message after the tone."
Dominic... I don't know where you are or what you're doing,
but turn your phone on!
Mug!
Just blow harder. Go on.
No, it's no good, mate. Kathy's dead.
Do you want a cup of tea?
Oh, sorry.
Alan!
It ain't how it seemed, mate.
You've fucking had it!
Who's piece of shit is that? Whose is it?
That's Sean's machine, but I think Jonny's...
Hold on. What's it fucking doing in here?
- Jonny's taking care of it. - What's it doing in here, Tom?
I don't know. They just come and took...
- Who? Who took it? - I'm not sure.
- Where's our machines? - They took it, mate.
What's this piece of shit doing here?
If I come in here and find these machines in here again,
I'll blow this gaff up with you and your old woman in it.
You done the right thing, Jon. Did you smash this up?
Fucking good job.
That's about right... "Mug."
You've always been a mug and you always will be a mug, mug.
Don't treat me like a mug.
Right.
This is a question for Dom, Fat Alan and Bill.
What is the use of having a mobile phone if it ain't switched on?
Well, Ray switched our one off.
Oh, maybe you're right, Ray... My Kathy always says that.
Oh... Jude?
Go and see that little firm in South London.
Tell them not to put their machines on our plots.
Take Jon with you.
Who is South London?
"I wish I was a spaceman."
"The fastest guy alive"
"I'd fly you around the universe."
"In Fireball XL-5."
"Way out in space together."
"Conquerors of the sky."
"My heart would be a fireball."
"A fireball."
"Every time I gazed into your starry eyes."
"We'd take a path to Jupiter."
"And maybe very soon."
"We'd cruise along the Milky Way."
"And land upon the moon."
"The wonderland of stardust."
"We'll zoom our way to Mars."
"My heart would be a fireball."
"A fireball"
"'Cause you would be my Venus of the stars."
Thank you, London!
I mean, the piss was well and truly taken.
You don't want Ray on your back.
No, I don't want Ray on my back, but I've gotta say,
I loved that "Mug" touch. Was that you?
- It was Jonny. - Jonny?
Oh, you're right, Jude, I've been a naughty boy
and I apologize about putting our machines into your pubs
so tell Ray I'm sorry, okay?
I think he fancies me, boss, because he can't stop staring.
What's your name again? "Jonifer"?
Sorry, Taff.
I didn't mean to make you feel sheepish.
Now, now, now, girls. Less of that.
We're all friends here.
But... I've gotta say it's good to keep Ray on his toes a bit,
Because he's getting on. He's a big, old teddy bear.
Wait a minute, four eyes.
I think you're wrong to say that, actually.
I don't think Ray's getting flabby upstairs at all. No.
He's still very sharp. Sharper than ever. He's a tiger.
Alan.
Anything these boys want: Pink champagne, Hennessey,
Exxo, the works. Whatever, yeah?
- Cheers, Sean. - Mi casa, su casa, Jude.
- A pleasure, mate, lovely. - Yeah, good to see you.
Jonny.
Pink champagne.
That's nice. It's quite sweeter. It's not normally.
Shut up a minute. Listen to me.
Don't ever, ever interrupt me in that situation again.
No one cares what you have to think
or say in that situation, all right?
If Ray had been here he'd have ripped your head off.
Yeah, I know, but I thought... No. No nothing. I'm Ray's relative.
I speak for Ray in that situation.
You don't offer a word, okay?
- Okay? - Yeah, all right.
Sorry.
Come on. It's all right.
Here, do you want a line?
- Yeah, are you holding? - Yeah. Come on.
Watch.
I'm not being ridiculous. I'm leaving the show.
You can't leave the show.
We've taken this show to the top of the ratings.
Where does that leave me if you leave?
Shut up. I wanna get married.
I wanna move on. I wanna leave the show.
You can't out. You're optioned for two series.
- It's just not possible. - I can make it possible.
I know what this is about. It's about gangster number one.
- Just shut your mouth. - Is he threatening you?
- Is he jealous? - Just go! Piss off!
Listen, if I wanna leave the show I can leave the show.
There's nothing you can do about it, all right?
I'll tell you, you won't believe this, Trevor.
Brixton crew got this shitty little car parked out Breedenton Court,
and it's got about four kilos of coke in it.
- Can you believe it? - What's wrong with that?
It's stupid. It's in a car. Somebody can steal a car.
It makes perfect sense, anything happens they can get away.
But they should keep it in a warehouse. It's safer there.
Somebody... especially outside that estate,
somebody'll nick the bloody car, won't they?
What's it safe about it in a warehouse then?
You can't steal a warehouse, can you, Trev?
It's heavy, it's big, it's stuck to the bloody ground.
You can get in and rob it, can't you?
You've got frothier piss than I have.
- Can you see anyone, darling? - No, not yet, Dom.
What are you gonna say after this, babe?
- Thank you. - Thank you what?
Thank you, Sir Galahad, for putting your sword in my scabbard.
Oh, lovely.
Anything?
No, not a thing.
You're mad.
Talk Italian, babe. Talk Italian.
Come sta? Molto bene. Molto, molto bene!
That's done it, babe.
Oh, babe... Oh, wash yourself up quick, "Star Trek" is on.
I was the only one doing anything.
I couldn't believe it.
I mean, these people, they're supposed to be real players.
Yet no one seemed to do any fucking business.
See, I'm quite good with a gun, ain't I, Bill?
- Should give me one. - Oh, yeah. No chance.
The thing with oral sex is, you've got to get your head into it,
and you've got to get Kathy's head into it.
That's the whole point. Hence the demonstration.
Look at that, Ray. You've gotta admit, that's a peach.
No, it isn't a peach, is it? It's a bloody cucumber.
If my Kath thought I was here at 2:00 in the afternoon
getting a fruit and veg show, she'd bloody kill me.
I'm going home, mate. This is perverse.
So, while everyone was busy poncing about, I thought I'd go to work.
I went painting and decorating.
'Cause really it is about taking decisive action
early on, you know, in any conflict, ain't it?
Yeah.
With the Argentinean ship workers, or whatever they was,
when they landed, if we sorted them out early on,
then the whole invasion could have been... - Avoided. - Yeah.
I told you, Nula, put it in a disabled space!
You bring it all the way here, this is bound to fucking happen.
I couldn't today, Matt. He was taking the trolleys.
It's halfway up the world and it's bound to happen!
Might as well walk there parking it up here!
But he was putting the trolleys away.
You're fucking hopeless! There's room down there!
- She's copping it all. - "Oh, no, my beautiful car."
You bring it all the way here, four miles from the shop!
This is bound to fucking happen, ain't it?
I couldn't, Matt, they were taking the trolleys.
They was taking the trolleys. I couldn't.
Shut up!
I can't believe watching me and Maureen didn't turn you on.
No, it's funny that. I'm sure it was a beautiful thing.
It just didn't do nothing for me.
It's a fair one, I suppose, but this stuff we've got here, right?
What you should do is put it all on
and then wait for Kathy to come home,
and give her a right big surprise.
Ray?
I'm back.
The poxy place was shut.
Oh...!
Kathy, it's me!
You dirty perv!
No! Stop!
- Honey plums, it's me! - Oh, you prat!
Leave it out, Kath.
Hold on a minute.
I've just come here to see Jonny, yeah?
- Jonny ain't here. - Jonny is in there.
I know Johnny's in there. I know where he is.
- Trev, Jonny ain't here. - Trev?
I wanna see Jonny. Go and get Jonny for me now.
- It ain't done like this, mate. - He just said he ain't here.
He knows I'm coming. Go and get him.
Jonny ain't here.
All right then, get the boss. Get the Dalai Lama.
Get Ray out here. Let me have a word with him.
Jonny, he's embarrassed me in front of my family. Right?
He's messed my car up. He's made a fool of me.
I just want him out here. Nothing to do with our teams.
I just want him out here on his own,
and I want to spread him like margarine over that street.
Well, go and get him!
I've got no argument with you.
I'll go get someone.
You gonna have a row with me?
I've got no row with you, Ray.
I just want to see Jonny.
Trevor, sort him out. It's gonna go off.
I just wanna see him.
Very well, thanks, Ray. Very well.
How do you like that?
All right then. Taxi!
- Go and get a cab. - Taxi!
- I'll see you later, Trev. - Cheers, Ray.
Taxi!
And there in front of everyone is an iced swan,
which obviously represents monogamy, okay?
So then obviously people gasp. They turn to the bride,
and there she has a wonderful diamond tiara.
Sparkling almost, you know, almost ice, like the swan.
And then all of a sudden they look down at the bride.
They gasp again. So we've got three gasps.
It's going to be absolutely fantastic.
So it's so important that I have you
in a beautiful diamond tiara, okay?
So, it's very important.
So what do we want and what does she need?
- Diamonds. - No, it's really important.
What do we want? What does she need?
- Diamonds! - Diamonds, absolutely.
Yeah, the diamond heist went ahead,
but I opted out, because Ray wanted everyone to dress up
and there's no way I am gonna be made to dress up like an idiot.
Whose poxy idea was it for her to have
half a million pounds worth of tiara, stupid?
What Sadie wants, Sadie gets, Ray. You won't regret it.
He's off in the cool, this 'un.
- Who trumped? - I thought it was you.
- Ray. - Yeah, what?
Look what I got from the sex clinic.
- What is it? - Viagra.
- What, the real stuff? - It's the real stuff.
- You take them, do you? - All the time.
And it does the job? Get one over here.
There you go. One of these... And for five hours strong like wood.
- Give me another one. - All right, mate.
- Like Lawrence of Arabia. - You want one?
Like Lawrence of Arabia before the little boy.
- Let me give one to Alan. - Pass them around.
Nothing's happening.
No, it takes about half an hour and then it clicks in.
Can I have your attention please, everybody?
The sheik has arrived. I don't want nobody
to look him in the eye, because it's deemed unlucky
in the Middle East, so I want you to turn your backs.
Turn your backs. You're not worthy of him.
Come on. And you. Turn your back. Everyone.
Sheik, your... Oi! Turn!
I feel like my head's got the horn.
Sheik, your room is ready, sir.
- Alaikum-salaam. - Shaleem, donner kebab.
And if you feel the sheik's presence in the hotel
you turn your back. Do you understand?
You're not worthy.
I'll get the photographer, but I always need pictures.
That's what the readers want. They want pictures, pictures...
- We can do pictures? - Yeah.
We'll give you anything you want,
but you've got to give us that front page.
You get them together, I'll get the photographer.
- Mr. Kloudermanns? - Yes, indeed.
Mark. Pleased to meet you. Nice to put a face with the fax.
Please call me Will.
Did you bring the Gagarin pear?
I have it here.
- Is it working? - What do you think?
I feel like Saturn 5. I'm ready to take off.
They're always so dynamic.
Very, sort of, cut and thrust.
Mr. Kloudermanns, this is Sheik Yakouri.
I'm so excited. I've been up all morning.
- Your Highness. - Take a pew.
- Is this the merchandise? - It is, indeed.
Right, let's have a look.
Would you like a nice cup of coffee?
- Coffee would be good. - Omar, coffee, please.
- How do you take it? - Oh, they're fantastic.
Look, these are the Gagarin... Would you like some coffee? Coffee's hot.
Coffee would be fine, thank you very much.
- Perhaps you'd like cream? - No, thank you. No cream.
Black.
What sort of value would they be?
Here you would be looking at say, ¡Ì750,000.
I'm getting so excited.
And is that what we're looking for?
Okay, chaps, take him over the chaise lounge, and tie him up.
- Right! - No!
Please, don't hurt me.
I've got money.
Have him over, Bill.
It is not necessary to tie me, but be gentle and use lubricant.
What did he say?
Easy on.
You ain't another back door merchant, are you?
Thanks for coming down on your break. Don't be angry.
I just want to say, I'm sorry.
I've been horrible to you. Really horrible.
Let me show you something. Come here.
Look at this. Look at all of that.
That whole studio is now "Rural Widows." That's us.
Oh, excellent. Yes! Great.
Brilliant.
Yeah? I apologize. Do you accept that?
Yeah, I do. Don't get too familiar.
- Get your hands off me. - Okay. I'm sorry.
I'm gonna get South London's coke out of the back of that car.
We got the information, let's act on it.
If we cause a war, so what? War's good.
Take the Falklands, do you know what I mean?
We was invaded.
And we said, "No, we're not having that."
Just weren't gonna have it. So we got a task force together,
and went down there thousands of miles away, freezing cold,
outnumbered I think, six to one I think it was,
did the business. Did the job. Got it back.
And it took a war to make this country great again.
Oh, no, here's George. All right, Georgia?
I'm just checking me windows.
Thank you, Viagra. Right.
Think of me as the sword and you as the scabbard. Okay?
I don't know where you get these ideas from.
Right, come on, babe, talk Italian to me.
- I don't know any Italian. - Yes, you do. Go on.
- Giorgio Armani. - Oh, that's lovely.
Christian Dior.
Oh...!
And the other one... oh, Vidal Sassoon.
Oh, baby! Is he Italian?
I don't know.
"Your kisses lift me higher."
"Like the sweet song of the choir."
"And you light my morning sky."
"With your burning love."
"It's coming closer."
"The flames are now licking my body."
"Won't you help me?"
"I feel like I'm slipping away."
"It's hard to breathe."
"My chest is a-heaving."
"Heaving, heaving, heaving."
"Lord have mercy, I'm burning the whole day."
"Your kisses lift me higher."
"Like the sweet song of the choir."
"And you light my morning sky."
"With your burning love"
- I love you, honey. - " With your burning..."
"I'm just a hunka hunka burning love"
"I'm just a hunka hunka burning love."
- That's it then. - Yeah, that's the one.
Definitely.
The car in front is a Toyota.
- It is. - Go on then.
What are you gonna do?
Watch.
Excuse me? You couldn't tell me the way
to the nearest police station, could you?
We look like tourist information?
Get out, you freak.
- What? - Fuck off, mate!
All right.
Can you believe that wanker?
Coming and, "Can we have directions?"
What's this?
- What? - Shut up!
I'm going to tell you about me now.
Me for a change, all right?
About me. Not a-fucking-bout you.
I've done some terrible things in my life I ain't proud of.
I've done things for love and for honor, for people I love, right?
See this shit in this fucking rag?
You mugged me off! Mugged me off!
Made me look a fucking mug!
Babe...?
I fucking don't believe it.
I'm fucking shaking.
Listen, you know what?
What?
We gotta make sure this is just between me and you.
Listen to me. Seriously now,
we got to make sure this is just between me and you.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Fucking right!
- No one else. I mean, no one. - Have some of that.
I like what you've done with this place, it's lovely.
It's kind of... distressed.
It's a bit like me really... distressed. Minty.
Tight lipped. Pissed off.
South London... I'll shit 'em.
Got half the mechanicals in Brixton breathing down my neck.
Geezers I'm supposed to be protecting, that pay me to look after them.
Two of them got gatted.
And my cocaine got stolen. My own Percy.
Out of my back pocket, bosh...
Someone had it on their toes with my fucking cocaine.
I'm not a happy bunny, Ray.
I don't know what to say to these fellas!
For fuck's sake.
You dirty mug.
Now, a little birdie told me, in fact I know...
That one of your crew here, one of your boys... nicked it.
And I know who it was.
It was your new boy wonder, Jonny, here.
Now, do I have your word, Ray, that you didn't nick my cocaine?
Jon, did you nick his powder?
Of course not.
No.
On your life?
Yes.
And that is your word, is it, Ray?
Yes.
Bollocks. Hold that, mate.
Sean.
Sean, don't be like that.
Bill, go and sort him out a case of champagne.
Alan, do something. Make yourself busy.
Come on, Fats.
You didn't take his powder, did you?
Of course not.
All right, me brudder. What's up, sta?
I'm not your brother and I'm not sta.
What's been going on here then? It's like fucking beer garden.
- Been drinking Red Stripe? - Yeah, cut the crap.
Two of mine are dead.
My coke's missing.
What are you gonna do about it? What am I paying you for?
How long have I known you? Two years, yeah?
Nothing like this has ever happened before, right?
Straight up.
I'm sorry about your mates being capped,
but I'm going to shit down a world of pain on these geezers.
You want your bugle, you want your trumpet?
It's right here, mate. Here you are.
Here's your trumpet. There, lovely.
And I'll get these boys for you, all right?
- Peace. I'm out. - You better.
I've lost two portions of cocaine. My cocaine!
My credibility is mullered with the boys from Brixton!
Absolutely trashed because of you.
I'm surrounded by doughnuts! He's got a point!
We're supposed to be looking after him!
Now, when I see those North London boys,
I'm gonna rip their heart out and shit it, right?
Now you sort yourself out.
And you, open the door and take me home.
Take me home.
What is all this, Sean? Look, all this grief.
Ray wants peace. Northside wants peace.
Quiet. Enough. Belt up, Bill. Shut up.
Put a sock in it, mate. You're taking libs.
You're in my gaff now. Behave yourself, mind your manners.
Now, quite frankly I'm a little pissed off!
Coming here with a case of champagne saying,
"I'm sorry. Ray wants peace"? Bollocks.
I'm down two parcels of Percy.
Yeah, two parcels of my own cocaine gone. Bosh.
You know how I know you've done it?
You've only gone and signed off!
You signed "Mug" on the side of the car, you doughnuts!
And that is why I'm gonna have to tie you up now.
I'm only the driver!
Hi, John.
Sades, this is a nice surprise.
Yeah. I've got a present for you.
- Hello, John. - All right, John?
See, this isn't stressful. This is the good bit.
Up here, you.
You've broken my nose!
No. Let's have a look.
Do you reckon that's broken?
No.
It is now.
That was a good one, wasn't it?
Not in the face!
John, if you ever go to the papers again,
far worse is gonna happen to you, right?
- You'll be dead, bastard. - Please, not in the face.
This is stressing me out.
You've got it wrong, mate. This gets rid of the stress.
All of this gets rid of your violent tendencies.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
I'll have another bit, then.
- Remember the face. - Excuse me.
Thank you.
- See? - Yeah, I feel good.
- I told ya. - I feel good.
Oh, I think somebody's seen something.
There, Rick. There's my little Charlotte.
She's lovely. Absolutely lovely.
Yeah. She looks like you.
Matthew, make sure that's done up properly.
That is the legendary Bill, ex-Special Forces.
Might have a gun up his ass, mightn't he?
Tight enough for you, is it?
Turn him around.
Look at the state of you, Alan.
Why do they call you "Fat Alan,"?
Have you farted?
Dirty sod.
You're a smelly tubby, aren't you?
What's this, a six pack or a party of seven?
What's that, Fat Alan? Does that hurt?
Stick your finger in it.
Oh-hh!
Deep, ain't it? Oh, that's deep.
Where's your shotgun now?
Where's your shotgun now, you bastard?
It's not up your ass, is it, Action Man?
Action Man hasn't got an an ass, has he?
He hasn't got a cock and hasn't got balls either.
I'm going to have to stick this in your behind
and shoot you a little ring piece, Action Man... Look around the tree...
...and make you cry and make you wish
you were back in the fucking British Army.
Quite frankly, I'm getting bored.
Time will wait for no man, Trev.
Let's get this party rolling a bit.
You know what to do. Take him to the kitchen.
- Oh, and put the kettle on. - Cup of tea?
- Lovely. - What do you want, Matthew?
- Pop. - Bill! Bill!
Haven't you got anything to say for yourself, young man?
Say something!
Jesus. Rick!
- Have they got any pop? - No, there's only Ribena.
I want pop. Fizzy pop.
What's this about you and Sadie having a row
over a poxy story in the paper that ain't even true?
How'd you know it's a poxy story?
Everyone knows that that lot write rubbish.
- That ain't me on the front page. - I don't care.
You've gotta go and make it up with her.
- No, I ain't got to. - I'm telling you...
- I got nothing to be sorry... - It's true, Ray. It really is.
- Shut up. - Yeah, shut up.
That ain't me on the front page.
Listen, she's a diamond. We all love her.
You've got to make it up with her.
You've gotta tell her that you're sorry!
You get out there now and tell her you're sorry.
- You are. I'm telling you! - That ain't me.
I don't give a shit. Get out there now!
Oh, don't drive me mad.
Look how he's walking...
with his tail between his legs, just like a little puppy dog.
- Trev, he's lovely. - He's lovely, isn't he?
Ain't he got a shiny coat?
Oh, he's lovely.
Look at that expression... That little inquisitive thing in his eyes.
Trev, did you give him the...?
Four tabs. Microdots from Amsterdam.
Who's a little trippy doggy?
Come here, boy. Don't be shy.
Who's a little trippy doggy then?
Give him some lunch.
Is that the one the breeders recommend?
They do.
Good, because I wanna give him the best.
I want him to have a nice shiny coat.
Oh, man, that stinks!
I'm thinking of entering him for Crufts next year.
- Here you are. - Eat it. Oh, the dirty bastard!
Jesus Christ!
That's gone all over him.
Look at him. He's chewing it!
- Chew it! - Go on.
Eat your dinner.
- There's a good boy. - Eat it properly.
- Oh, you dirty dog. - Right then, Matthew.
It's time for the old marigolds, I think.
- Why not, sir? - Lovely. Off we pop.
There you go. Do mine up proper, man.
Don't want to get shit on me old Boateng.
Do you know what I mean? Right, then.
Let's go to work.
- Should we worm him? - Lovely.
Oh, Taff, I think you'll be wanting that.
- Thank you, boss. - Off you go.
Oh! My God.
- Oh, Jesus Christ. - Bad dog.
Bad dog.
I've had enough of this. Boys, upstairs pronto.
Turn the bath on. Let's do Bill first, all right?
Come on, soldier.
Get him round here. Drag him along.
Come on, soldier boy, time for your bath.
Sorry.
Oh, it's looking good.
Look, he's just like all the geezers.
His bark's worse than his bite.
- Let's go upstairs. - Get rid of them first.
Out the window!
Shit. Run!
Are you all right?
- Looking well, Bill. - Cheers.
How is he?
His temperature and pulse rate are up and down a bit,
but his bowel movements are fine though.
- What happened to him? - Oh, sorry, Ray.
They force fed him LSD, they tortured him,
and they threw him from an upstairs window.
Is that all?
They fed him dog food as well.
Chunky?
I want you to go to South London and see Sean again.
Tell him I've got to have a meeting in the open.
I want to be friends again. I can't have this bollocks,
people are getting hurt.
This could be it. It could go off. This could be war.
Listen, Jon, this is a good opportunity to calm things down. All right?
So you let me and you let Ray do the talking.
We've known Sean for a long time.
- It'll be good to... - Here you are.
- Is that for me? - Yeah.
It's loaded, be careful.
- Are we going tooled up? - Yeah.
I'll show you how to use it on the way down.
Don't point it at anyone you like.
- How are you, Sean? - I'm well, Ray. You?
Good. Did you get the champagne?
- Yeah. - Did you like it?
No.
You've got to have that Lauren Perrier pink.
You have it with the peaches in the syrup. It's nice.
- It's a Belini. - Is it?
I don't like champagne. The bubbles go up my nose.
Where's my coke?
I haven't got your coke. Why the fuck would I want it?
- Why would I want your coke? - Because it's worth a mint!
Where is my coke?
- I haven't got your coke. - I know you do.
Don't mack me off like a two bob. It's Sunday.
"Mack"? What's that mean? What's that, a new term?
Sean, this is bollocks, mate.
Let's have a little talk.
I wanna be friends. This is bollocks.
Well, let's talk.
Come around here then. We'll have a little walk.
I'll tell you what, a much better idea,
you come around here, we'll have a walk down there.
No, I don't wanna come around there.
You're mob-handed. Let's me and you have a walk.
I'm mob-handed? Have a look around.
- Who me? - Hold up. Hold up!
Hold up!
Don't bunk in.
I called the meet. Let's have a little walk.
- You come around here. - No, I don't want to.
I do not want to come around that side of your fucking car!
- Come around here. - Meet in the middle!
- I ain't meeting in the middle! - Why not?
Let's just have a walk and a talk, me and you.
- Why don't you come around? - I don't wanna come around!
Let's have a talk! A walk and a talk!
- Come around here! - This is bollocks!
No, it ain't bollocks! You get around here and talk.
Gun!
Fucking hell, he shot me in the head!
Let me have a look.
- It's coming out the back! - It's a scratch!
I've got burns off my fucking lighter, haven't I?
Alan! Alan, can you hear me?
Get the big boys out of the van.
Get the van open!
Give us the keys!
Move it!
Open the door, you fat wanker.
Alan, get the boys!
- What are you fucking doing? - I'm trying!
You muppet!
Move!
Give me a gun!
Bloody hell!
Over there, not at us!
Bloody... ridiculous!
Lovely! Lovely! Who wants to shoot me?
Who wants to fucking shoot me?
You wanna row with me? Fucking slags!
So much for my fucking singing voice!
You South London...!
It's outrageous.
Listen to this.
Fix bayonets!
Van! Get the fucking van!
Run. Come on!
- Hang on a minute. - What do you mean "run"?
Jesus Christ! Drive!
"Fix bayonets"?
What the hell was all that about?
This is no good, is it? We need the big guns!
You, you bastard!
I told you to get some longs, didn't I?
- Didn't I tell you...? - Me hole!
Didn't I tell you to get me some longs?
I can't take this anymore. It's driving me mad.
Why don't we have the big fucking guns?
Me and Jonny's like that over the top of the cars.
We were taking out the windows...
That's how you do it. Get their heads down with the AKs.
That's what it was.
Hold up.
Shut up!
Now I've had a divy up. We used over 200 rounds.
The only person who hit anything was Jonny boy here.
I mean, I've got a pinhead who thinks he's a bow-
the jellyfish and Freddy fucking Krueger.
What a firm I've got.
It's good though. We sent them through the long grass.
Yeah, chased St. Trinian's out of the playground.
Personally, I find that a nice little fire fight,
it separates the men from the boys, don't it?
Hear, hear.
- Oi, Dom? - Yeah?
This is one time you ain't gonna shag the bridesmaids.
Not in this anyway.
Mark, don't you think this rehearsal's a bit stupid?
No, I don't think it's stupid. I think it's essential.
Look, the reason why I've got you here today
is I need to know how the fabrics and the colors respond in the light.
Look, they don't match. So, one of these has gotta go.
I've ordered flowers for the apse,
so how do I know what colors I'm gonna use?
Glad you think it's funny.
This gives me a clearer idea of what to do on the day.
And I've got a gut feeling this is gonna be fantastic.
I thought this was it. I thought I'd done it.
I thought everyone would be mad for it now.
This was real. This was war.
But no, this was about a bloody wedding in a bloody church.
But I still had one card up my sleeve.
Yeah.
I still had one more chance.
Go on, take him. Take him. Good lad.
Will you stop speaking to him in Welsh?
Listen, if you don't like it, fucking learn it.
And you learn to drive.
Hey, Nula, did you hear the door?
Yeah, I think so.
Oi.
Jonny.
Shut up.
Shit. Fuck.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Even though the gun jammed, I still think they got the message.
I can't wait to shag you in every single room.
Oh, you're getting hard.
I'm getting all right, don't worry.
Listen, I want you to feel something.
- Feel that? - Yeah, I can feel it.
- It's a bit bigger, isn't it? - Yeah.
I'm putting weight on. I'm pregnant.
Baby, I'm pregnant.
I'm gonna have a little Raymondo.
I love you.
It's fucking brilliant, isn't it?
- You're having my kid? - I'm having your baby.
- Shall we stay here tonight? - Do you want to?
Yeah.
- I'll get rid of Alan. - Yeah, you do that.
Alan!
What do you want?
What are you doing?
Were you hiding behind that tree?
There's nowhere else to go.
You've been listening to what I was saying?
- Sorry. - Fuck off.
Go on, take the car and go. I'm staying here tonight.
- I'll phone you tomorrow. - Shall I take the basket?
No, just go.
Fucking help us. You're getting like a nonce.
Fucking hanging about all the time.
"Straight ahead toward the roundabout."
Around the roundabout the ragged rascal ran.
"Turn left."
Just here? Oh, God, I've missed it.
"You have made an incorrect detour."
Yes, I know that, but you bloody never told me
until right at the last minute.
"You have arrived at your destination."
You fucking Anglo-Saxon!
Burn! Fucking burn, you bastard!
Enter the fucking dragon!
No. Leave me alone.
I'm all right.
I've got to get home.
Have a nice cheese sandwich.
I left on the gas.
No, I'll call you in about half an hour.
Yeah, whatever, just stay in touch.
All right.
Yeah, all right.
He's got more than 20 minutes, obviously.
Oh, dear.
It's all going off, mate.
They just firebombed Uncle Ray's car.
- What? - Yeah, Alan was in it.
Ray was like that close to getting in it.
What do you think they're doing?
Well, he's probably a little upset
I tried to shoot him in the face the other day, isn't he?
- What? - Yeah.
I probably ruined his whole week.
I went round his house, I stuck my gun in his face and it jammed.
Lisa, can you take the girls next door for a minute, please?
Take the girls in the bathroom.
Fuck off into the bathroom!
See you in a minute.
When was this, Jonny?
Two days ago.
You never told me. You never asked me.
No, I didn't.
I'm not gonna talk about something like that, am I?
I just had to go and do it. I keep it secret.
You know now.
Firebomb. What a poof.
Firebombed... firebombed.
You firebombed the Northside, you fucking lunatic!
You Welsh streak of lanky piss, are you mad?
You've broken the first cardinal rule,
you do not fuck about with people's families!
I've got kids, Taff!
Kids fucking burn!
I should rip your throat out and fuck the wound right now
unless you're my cousin!
You fucking better shape your ideas up, son,
I swear to God, or I'll kill you right now!
Go on, answer back.
Oh, fuck. Fuck it.
What, has Fat Alan had another ruby, has he?
No, South London bombed your motor.
How's Alan?
Well, for someone who's been stabbed, tortured,
force fed LSD, thrown out of a window and blown up,
I'd say he's feeling pretty bad. Wouldn't you, Ray?
What's his middle name? Lucky?
- All right? - All right.
So, what happened?
South London bombed me car.
How's Fat Alan? All right?
Yeah, well, seeing he's been... Ask Burdis.
Uncle Ray, can I have a word?
Won't be a minute.
I know why all this has happened.
Jonny is uncontrollable.
He went around to Matthew's, that bloke Matthew,
that Irish bloke, no, Welsh bloke,
and he stuck a gun in his face in front of his family.
In front of his kids.
So...
what are we gonna do?
I don't know what to do.
This is becoming a habit.
Well, he's been stabbed. He's been cut,
he's been force fed LSD. He's been burnt.
He's been one of the unluckiest men alive.
Yeah, well, these things happen in his game all the time.
- He's a stunt man. - Yeah, I'm afraid they do.
What's happened now?
Tell Ray what happened.
- What? - He got blown up.
Well, I can see that. Is he all right?
Are you all right? How are you feeling?
He feels like he shouldn't be in this line of work anymore.
Weeks went by without a peep.
No comebacks. No revenge.
No pissing and moaning. Nothing.
What's the matter, babe?
I had to take your camel hair to be cleaned today, right?
Had to empty out the pockets. I found this.
Would you mind telling me what you're doing
shoveling this shit up your hooter?
It's to keep me going. Long hours I'm working.
"Keep you going"? Me and you can't keep it going
- with you taking this crap. - I won't do it anymore, okay?
- I promise. - The other thing, what's this?
- I don't know. - You don't know what that is?
- No. - Are you sure?
- No, where was that then? - That was in your coat pocket.
How did that get there?
This might have something to do with it. Come here.
I've got something else to show you. This is marvelous.
Maybe you can explain to me what all this is.
Have a look at this. What's all this then?
I can explain.
What are you doing with guns in the house?
Who are you? Al Capone?
They weren't nothing got to do with Ray.
- Is it to do with Fat Alan? - No, no, no, I found them, Ray.
Still, have you told him about our little bit of news?
We're pregnant.
- I'm gonna have a baby. - Are you?
Yeah, well, no, Kathy's gonna have the baby.
- How lovely. Well done. - We're really pleased.
Thought I'd ask, you know what I mean?
You ain't got to ask, you're like my partner.
If you wanna leave, you leave. Still coming to my wedding?
- Yeah, of course. - Gotta have a bit of the Elvis.
Oh, yeah, I'll do me Elvis bit for you.
All right. I know you're all gagging to get up here...
...for the karaoke, which I love.
Raymond is all done up in his costume.
What are you gonna sing tonight, Ray?
"Burning Love" with Kathy.
Lovely.
And Fat Alan, I know what he wanted to sing tonight.
He wanted to sing "Fire."
Or "How Much Is That Doggy In The Window?"
But he can't sing because he's got a bit of darby trouble.
We'll enjoy ourselves tonight. Have an old fashioned party.
So everyone get up here tonight and have a sing-song.
Some blinding singers here tonight.
I'm not having a go, cherry tits.
I just feel stupid in this outfit, that's all.
You look stupid, but that's the point, ain't it?
- You made me wear it. - This is all part of it.
- What's the matter? - I feel stupid in this outfit.
- No, you look great. - See?
- Do you feel good? - I feel all right.
Then what's the matter with you?
- Get back on the karaoke. - No, no.
Come on. Everyone loves you.
- Do they? - Yeah.
Oh, all right then.
Gonna sing a little song for me and Sadie tonight?
Me? Nah.
- What do you know? - They wouldn't have it.
Well, what is it?
"Avenues and Alleyways."
Tony Christie. Lovely words. You're on.
John, how's your nose? All right?
I want you singing tonight, mug. Don't let me down.
"When You Are A King." Will you sing it for me?
Let me finish this fag and this drink.
Come on. I want you to sing it now.
Sing it now. Sing my song.
It won't take long.
"Tore your shirt again."
"Fighting in the rain."
"With what's his name."
"Shoe black on your face."
"You're really a disgrace."
"Your mama smiles all the while."
"Because she loves you, she will worry so."
"And if you're a good you know that."
"When you grow you'll be a king."
"Never do a thing."
"Four and 20 blackbirds sing along."
"Royal gifts they all will bring."
"When you are a king."
"Everywhere you go."
"People bowing low."
"Carriages to take you anywhere."
"Feet won't ever touch a thing."
"When you are a king..."
- All right? - All right, mate.
Do you wanna... what's 'er name?
- No, I can't. - Come on.
I'm best man. I've got to behave.
- Just today. - Yeah, all right.
"Everywhere you go..."
"Yeah, I feel like the force of nature."
"Could make you sing like a bird released..."
"You know it's buried beneath your feet."
"For smoking all my stash."
"For burning all my cash."
"I bet you knew right away."
"It's all over town."
"That the sun's going down."
"On the days of your easy life."
Jonifer...?
"You don't know know when or where."
"It's all over town..."
Gun! Gun!
Sadie!
Jesus!
Get out of the way!
Oh, my God.
At my wedding! At my fucking wedding!?
No!
Ray!
Ray!?
Oh, my baby!
Somebody help my baby!
I thought Ray lost the stomach for it after that.
Months went by. He spent his time in the country.
Grew a beard, went all rustic, you know?
He struck this deal with South London.
Then months went by and nothing happened.
Nothing.
"Glory of war"... bollocks.
Jonny, it's Jude. How are you doing?
How's it going? I ain't seen you for ages.
No, listen. I've got two minutes.
All the boys are going to a fantastic party.
Listen to me. Wake up because this is important.
All the boys are going to a party tomorrow night.
Fancy dress. We're all going. Ray wants to see you.
You've gotta come. Fancy dress. Can you come?
Jonny? Can you come?
- Tomorrow? Yeah. - Can you get a costume?
All right, Jonny.
Well done. Brilliant costume.
Thanks very much. I had murder coming over here.
My car went bang and then all the bits fell off it.
Don't hate me, we're about three hours early.
I was going to say, where's your Merry Men?
We can have a drink. Do you fancy a quick drink?
I'm sorry about that, mate.
They'll be here any minute, I'm sure.
Anyway, we can polish this off.
- Take a load off, Coco. - Thanks, Mr. Hood.
- Have a seat. - Or can I call you Robin?
Call me Robin, brother.
Call me Robin.
- Hello, son. - All right, Ray.
- How's it going? - All right.
That's a nice beard. What did you come as, "Grizzly Adams," is it?
No, Sadie likes it.
Says it gives me the appearance of being softer.
Like that fellow... Lear.
That's not fair, Ray. I mean, to be honest,
we're dressed up like a couple of nonces.
Look what you've come as.
You're a character, Jonny. You're a throwback.
Pour us out a drink, Jude.
You got it?
No.
Ain't you got it? What I've come as?
What?
Stuffing.
Yeah, yeah.
Fucking hell.
Still look all right?
No, you look well, son.
Ray, look, if this is about
all the coke and South London and all that, right, yeah?
This is about that then it's not me, it's Sean.
I mean, he's made it all up. He's made it all up about...
Evening, Jonny.
What's going on? What's he doing here?
Guess where Jude told me to find your spank mags?
With guns and knives... and my coke.
- Bollocks. - Yeah.
What are you talking about?
Jude.
Shut up and listen to him.
Just shut up and listen to him.
Can you just explain I'd never do anything like this?
Not to you. You know, I'd be hurting you.
I need you to tell them that for me.
All right, all right!
Okay, all right!
You're the one who's screwed up, Jonny.
You "wouldn't do anything to me"? What's that?
That is fucking bullshit, mate!
"Let me into the family. The one thing you can do for me.
Introduce me to your uncle." I introduced you,
and when did you think of saying "thank you" for that?
- I did it for you! - You didn't do fuck for me!
You did nothing but drag me into more and more trouble!
- Ask him about the guns. - What about the guns?
No one was fucking tooled up.
"Come on, hold onto this, Jude. This one's for you.
Don't put your hand where you don't want..."
- I was trying my best! - Trying to do what?
You were dragging my family into the fucking firing line!
- What about the coke? - Yeah, and the coke!?
The coke, man. He asked me to get the coke.
He wanted us to get the coke because he wanted to stir it up!
- What about Kathy? - What about Kath?
Where's Ray? He ain't even here to argue!
You're a mug! You're the fucking mug!
- I'm sorry! I'm sorry. - Are you really sorry?
I hope you don't think it's a liberty, me turning up like this...
but I thought I'd show my face.
Got to make the effort, haven't you... "Jonifer"?
Oh... bear with me.
Here you are, do it.
Don't revel in it.
Don't! Don't!
Cheers.
Here you are, Ray. Do it. Don't revel in it.
Oi, Yogi.
Good shot.
Ray, mate, he's still twitching.
- Is he? - Yeah.
There you go. Shot him up the ass.
You want to stuff and mount that?
Look lovely on your wall.
Where's he from, the kid?
- Wrexham. - Is he?
- Could he sing? - Well, he could, Ray.
Bit of a crooner yourself, ain't you?
- I can hold a tune, yeah. - What that soppy song you sing?
I sing "Fireball XL-5."
"Avenue and Alleyways" was silly Jonny's song.
Good tune.
"In the avenues and alleyways."
"Where a man's got to work out which side he's on."
"Any way he chooses, chances are he loses."
"No one gets to live too long."
"The avenues and alleyways."
"Where the soul of a man is easy to buy."
"Everybody's wheeling, everybody's stealing."
"All the low are living high."
"Every city's got 'em."
"Can we ever stop 'em."
"Some of us..."
"Are gonna try."