# SPACE RAIDERS: Middlesboogie
Tim? Tim! Tim!
# Malleus Mallificarum
PHONE
BEEP
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you!"
"Happy birthday, dear Daisy,
"Happy birthday, darling! I thought I'd ring you before you went out!"
"Such a shame I won't see you!"
"Hope you can come to Auntie Irene's 40th! It'll be the 15th now!"
"Oh, no, not the 15th! The 23rd! Not this month! This month coming!"
"So call me and let me know!"
"Suzie's out of hospital!"
"It was either today or tomorrow
and it was yesterday she came home!"
"I thought you'd want to know!"
# Happy birthday to ya! Happy birthday to ya!
# Happy birthday!
Thank you very much.
For what?
For my birthday song.
Oh, is it your birthday?
How are you feeling this morning?
Very rough actually. I will never drink again, until lunch time.
Very wise.
How does it feel to be 26?
Bit gassy.
You'd be dead in four years if this was Logan's Run.
That'd be terrible.
I'd look like a twat in a jumpsuit.
Tim, that's a word that hates women.
Twat?
No, jumpsuit.
Look! Oh, my God!
What's in the fridge? Oooh!
Oo-ooh!
Oh, no! Oh!
Oh!
Don't you like it?
I love it! Is that me?
Yeah!
Anyway, happy birthday, pickle. I'm going to do a wee!
Hi!
God! Hi, Sophie! God, I forgot you were here!
Happy birthday! So, you got anything special planned?
We're just gonna go out for dinner.
That'll be nice.
Yeah... You can come if you want.
Thanks! Yeah, I'd love to! That'd be great!
Oh! Good!
Daisy's just invited me to the meal!
That'll be cool!
Yeah. I'm sure Marsha won't get suspicious.
I don't want to cause any trouble.
You're not.
I don't know why we don't tell her!
"We're not really a couple, we lied to you so we could rent your flat"?
God, we're evil, aren't we?
You shouldn't feel bad about it.
We don't, do we?
I'm just gonna walk Sophie to the tube station.
Oh, that's sweet!
Yes, it is, isn't it?
Bye!
See you later! Happy birthday!
Yeah, bye, Sophie!
What a bitch!
GIGGLING
I've got this surprise birthday cake in the shape of a typewriter
Cool!
Yeah, I've been scheming for weeks,
I met this baker, Strawberry Sundae, we danced for five hours and we had this discussion about pasties...
Anyway he's doing me a deal.
You're sweet to Daisy.
I am! Well, I'm a very sweet guy.
No, you're a stupid cock.
Oh. Well, thanks.
Just wait.
You... Hi.
Where were you?
When?
This morning.
I was in bed.
Why was today important to me, Tim?
Being promoted to sergeant next week. Don't forget.
Being promoted to Sergeant.
CHILDREN LAUGH
What's that?
I won't!
Yeah, I forgot.
You forgot.
I'm sorry.
I thought you were my friend.
I am, Mike!
I wanted you to see me get my stripes
Mike, I'm sorry!
It's her! Sophie!
You've only been with her two weeks and I'm already yesterday's news!
Mike, you'll always be my number 1.
Then why are you treating me like I'm a number 2?
It's been a long time since I've had someone like Sophie in my life.
We've always done everything together or have you forgotten the good times?
No, course not!
We were supposed to go ghost-hunting in Highgate Woods. Where were you?
I can't remember.
I'm glad you've got a new girlfriend
but don't forget whose shoulder you cried on when the last one dumped you
or when Johnny Alpha get killed by that monster in 2000AD!
Mike, I won't honestly.
Look, here's Mike! Mike, do your eagle eyes! Don't!
If you hurt him I'll kill you.
Did he mean that?
Yeah.
Knock, knock, knock!
Hello, birthday girl!
Hello, Marsha! How's it going?
I'm fine. How are you?
Oh, I'm fine, yeah.
26!
Happy birthday, darlin'!
Are you missing Amber? Are you?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Many happy returns, darlin'!
Oh. What can it be?
I thought you might like to put some make-up on tonight, doll yourself up
Don't wear much normally... Ooh, rude red!
Well, I'd best get off to Thresher's, do the weekly shop.
You still up for a night of unadulterated fun?
Adultery?
Are you still coming out tonight?
Oh, yeah, right! I'll see you later!
Hello?
Hi, Daisy, it's me!
Hello, Twist.
Feel like I haven't seen you in ages
You were at my birthday last night.
Oh, yes! That was you! Look, do you want to come shopping?
Yeah, but I haven't got any money.
I don't need any. Come and meet me.
Where are you?
The corner of your street. Hi, Tim!
What are you doing?
I can't explain now. Just come and meet me.
All right, well, just give me a mo.
Oi!
Hi, Marsha.
I know what you're up to.
Did Mike tell you?
Does he know?
Well, yeah, I had to tell somebody!
You...
are a very bad man.
What?
She loves you, that girl.
Who does?
Daisy.
Did she say that?
No, but it's obvious!
Yeah, course, she's my girlfriend!
You'd better tell her, Tim!
Cos if you don't, I will!
But you'll spoil the surprise.
You bastard.
Marsha!
CRASH
Brian?
SMASH
I finished with Brian.
Oh. Aww!
Oh, my God! Are you all right?
What about?
About, you know...
How's Brian taken it?
Brian, no!
Oh, God!
Why?
This is new!
Sorry, I didn't see you.
What you doing?
Expressing myself.
By chucking paint around?
Yes!
What's the matter with you?
Broken up with Twist.
Ah, shit. Really? What happened?
Sex, sex, sex, that's all it was. I wanted something else.
So you're single, then?
I'm sick of our endless clashing.
What, your outfits?
Daisy! I am not that shallow.
She's shallow, Brian, you know?
She's like Cordelia out of Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Angel the spin-off series set in LA.
Don't know what you're talking about
Oh, Brian!
You're such a square!
D'you think she'll come tonight?
She is Daisy's best friend. You've just got to be strong, man.
I know.
You're gonna be fine.
You're gonna spend a long time thinking you won't be,
for a while you'll miss the fact you're not because it seems scary
and then when you've got over that then you're gonna be fine. Right?
Feeling better?
Do you feel better?
Mmm. Is Brian coming tonight?
Yes. But he is my friend, Twist.
Well, at least we'll be seeing more of each other!
I hadn't really thought of that.
Why don't you try something on?
You always wear that shantytown look and it's really quite last century!
I quite like the way I dress.
Shhh. Listen.
There's nothing wrong with looking nice, Daisy.
You're not betraying the sisterhood just by brushing your hair sometimes
I just doubt there's anything in here that I could get above my knees.
Oh, go on, it's your birthday!
"I did update you on the Suzie situation, didn't I?"
"Far be it from me to spread gossip
but her GP is having an affair with that woman at the dentist's!"
Mum, hi!
"Hello, I didn't think you were in!"
Oh, no, I've been out!
"Since nine o'clock this morning?"
Uh, yeah! You know me - go, go, go!
"I've got a lot to tell you! And you never phone me! Happy birthday!"
Thanks.
"I've got some great news!"
"Auntie Caroline said a vacancy's come up for a features correspondent
and she's going to send you all the bumf about it in the post!"
"The best thing is it's on the Colywn Bay Gazette! That'd be right up your street, wouldn't it?"
Yeah... yeah.
"Are you and Tim doing anything nice today?"
We're just going out for a meal.
"Just the two of you?"
No, no, us and a few... friends.
"Oh. Well, you must be really looking forward to it!"
# You used to give me roses
# I wish you could again
# But that was on the outside
# And things were different then
# On the inside the sun still shines
# And the rain falls down
# And the sun and rain of Christmas too
# When morning comes around #
RHUMBA
Hit me!
'There's nothing wrong with looking nice!'
'Thought you might like to put some make-up on tonight.'
'You're not betraying the sisterhood just by brushing your hair!'
'Doll yourself up a bit!'
Wake...
Oh, shit!
WHOOSH OF LIGHT-SABRE
Right!
SPANISH GUITAR
Hiya. Sorry we're - I'm late. It was...
Delayed at the office, were we?
I had to pop in, yeah.
Yeah, I bet you did.
Shall I get some drinks?
I'd like a triple vodka, please.
I'll have a bottle of red.
How many glasses? One.
Bitter, Mike?
No. Are you?
Would you like a pint of bitter?
Sophie?
Bourbon, Tim. Straight up.
# I may not be a lady...
Wow!
# But I'm all woman
# From Monday to Sunday
# I work harder than you know...
MUSIC WINDS DOWN
All right, Daisy? You want a drink?
Yes, please. I'll have a Bloody Mary.
You look nice, Daisy! Wish I could dress down like that!
He's gonna come over. You all right?
Right, well, shall we? >
Yes! Merci!
FLAMENCO
Are you going to the loo?
Yes.
Just going to the loo!
I can't believe you brought her here
I thought it was quite nice!
So, are you gonna tell her?
What is your problem?
I'll tell her!
Do you want to spoil her birthday?
Every second you leave it will make it more painful for her!
I'm gonna tell her.
It should be me!
But you won't!
What's up?
I've got you a birthday cake. Tim's having an affair.
Tim... is having an affair with her.
I've seen 'em snogging in the front garden!
No. No, Marsha, it's not like that.
What d'you mean?
She means nothing to me. It's not...
Tim, we should just tell her.
She's in shock.
I'm not in shock. I'm a bit drunk...
..but I'm perfectly lucid.
What's going on?
I should go.
Marsha,
we're not really a couple.
You what?
We're not... You know,
Phew! It's actually... It's actually a relief to say it!
The thing is, we had to say we were in order to get the flat.
But the truth is that... we lied.
You lied?
We were desperate, we didn't think about the consequences, just...
We... we didn't mean to hurt you!
It was like, the longer we left it...
You lied? Why?
Marsha...
The advert said professional couple.
No, it didn't! I remember phoning! I don't think he was listening to me
Yeah? Yeah.
Dave?
Hold on a second, please. Hello, you.
Two bedroom, Streatham, £350 a week. Do that for me, I'm going to lunch.
You betcha.
Oh, it's professional couple only.
Sounds nice.
'Professional couple only, professional couple only.'
Sorry, Mrs Klein. Is that everything? Great, that'll go in tomorrow.
I can't believe you lied! I bought you a present for your anniversary!
I'm sorry!
Marsha, we weren't being malicious. We just didn't have a choice!
We really like that flat!
That was supposed to sound nice.
I suppose you lot all knew about this.
Must think I'm a complete idiot.
No!
Don't be angry.
I just discovered my group of young friends have been taking the piss!
No, Brian, I'm leaving!
Where are you going?
Just away from you lot!
Sophie...
I'll call you tomorrow.
Nice one, Daisy.
I wasn't the one snogging my secret girlfriend in the front garden!
Tim doesn't think about anyone else when he's with Sophie!
This is nothing to do with you!
I'm gonna have to go back and live with my mum because of you!
I'm not the one who told her!
She wouldn't have asked if you'd kept your tongue in your mouth!
We're all to blame in a way.
You picked a fine time to grow a fucking conscience!
You let him speak to me like that!
Yes! I'm not an accessory! You can't just pick me up when you need me!
A good time to start getting emotionally articulate, Brian!
Brian, I can't believe you!
It's your fault!
Shut up, Mike!
Did you see her face?
Shut up!
You are so stupid, Daisy!
# Happy birthday, dear Daisy, happy birthday to you! #
Thank you.
Tim! You know I'm allergic to wheat!
Fuck off!
Aieeee!
Grow up!
You grow up!
# OPENING CHORDS FROM BUGSY MALONE
The way I see it, we have two choices.
We can call the police or you can clear up this mess yourselves.
Who votes for clearing up?
Who votes for police?
We'll... Clearing up it is.
Good. I'll get the mop, shall I?
I'm going home.
Happy birthday, Daisy(!)
What are we gonna do?
We could go clubbing.
I mean about Marsha, Mike!
We've destroyed her faith in the integrity of today's youth.
Young adults.
We've got to pull together or else we're gonna lose everything.
So that's settled, then.
Clubbing it is!
Brian and Mike have gone to look for her, see if she's on the street.
There's 100 off-licences in this area. She could be in any one of them
They might get lucky. We should stay here in case she comes back.
OK.
Daisy, don't worry! We'll sort this out, we always do.
I don't know. It's...
This feels different, serious.
We've had some good times here, though, haven't we?
Happy days.
"We'll be off, then, Tim!"
OK, man.
We find Marsha, we'll contact you!
Yeah, we'll... we'll find her, Daisy. Promise you.
We'll see you at the rendezvous.
MUFFLED YAWN
OK, Tim!
Good luck!
# THEME FROM THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK