This programme contains strong language.
TYRES SCREECH
Oh, what?!
You know what!
I do not know what!
Take a wild guess.
Is it cos I sang the music from the Kiaora advert?
"It's too orangey for crows..."
You think this is funny?
No.
Cos in three minutes you will not...
be laughing.
If you think I'm going to stand by and let you beat up my friend,
you've got another thing coming.
Oh... We're going beat you up too.
(OK.)
What do you think we should do?
Let 'em have it.
(IMPERSONATES JAMIE OLIVER) Potato - people peel it, people cube it.
I jutht put it down - bang - two halfth, in the pan.
It'th a bit thimple, a bit thexy.
Mike, how sexy am I?
Oh, very.
Daisy?
Have it in a thauthage thandwich...
Daisy.
How sexy am I?
Very.
You look good. You look really...
You look nice... cos you don't want to look like you've made too much of an effort.
I'll change my shirt.
This will be one of the great chicken stews - you know why?
Because of this - (ITALIAN) or-eg-ano - or oregano to you.
'I got it from a wise old herb merchant on one of my many travels.'
This... is the good shit.
Whoo, Momma!
PHONE
Hello.
Is that Daisy?
Yep.
"Hi, it's Sophie."
Oh, hi.
Tim's told me all about you.
Has he? What did he say?
You know, the usual.
What sort of thing? Specifically.
Well, that...
you're friends, you share a flat,...
and your name's Daisy.
Oh, right.
Is Tim there?
Oh, yes, yeah. Just getting dressed.
It's Sophie.
(Oh, cheers!)
(VOICE BREAKS) Hello.
Hey, how are you?
Good. I had a nice time last night.
"Me too. What are you up to?"
You know, making myself beautiful.
I can't come out tonight, Jamie's got me working late.
Oh, really.
There's a misprint on a new issue.
Which one?
Total Cult.
Well, OK. Fine.
We can do it another night. We can do it next week.
How do you mean "do it"?
You'll find out next week.
OK.
Bye, Bisley.
Bye.
SHE'S SLEEPING WITH HER BOSS!
You what?
This is how it starts. Excuses.
"Oh, I've gotta work late." "I've got a presentation."
"Sorry, I can't come round tonight, I've had ever such a long day."
It's me and Sarah, it's Milly and Egg, it's textbook.
Ow! What did you do that for?
You said if you ever suffer paranoia because of your break-up with Sarah
I was to slap you round the face.
I did say that, thank you very much.
(SIGHS)
BLEEP
TV: "Resident Evil."
We could go out.
What? You and me?
Yeah.
What about your stew?
It's finished, just gotta simmer.
I dunno, Daisy.
Come on, it'll be fun. What else are you gonna do?
OK then.
Great.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Who is it?
Brian.
Do you wanna come in?
I thought you were going out.
Twist's in a... mood.
Surprise, an unreliable girlfriend(!) What's the matter with her?
(MUMBLES) Dunno. Didn't specify.
That's right. You've gotta guess.
It must be strange being a woman.
All that power.
What?!
They are the true creators, aren't they?
All men do is destroy things.
(CONTENTEDLY) Yeah.
They're the true children of nature, Gaia's foot soldiers.
They look like us.
Speak for yourself.
Two arms, two legs,...
Two faces.
There's more to it.
If women spend time together, their menstrual cycles synchronise.
Men have that too.
Mike.
Men have got an unspoken telepathy.
A connection between male psyches.
Whether they know each other or not, put a group together, it's the same.
What do you mean?
Should we show him?
I am not in the mood.
Oh, shit!
GUNFIRE
RAPID GUNFIRE
Bang! Bang!
FLAME THROWER
SHOTGUN
BOING
You ready?
Have you got manoeuveres?
Reconnaissance.
Are there gonna be tanks?
I've learnt my lesson.
I'm not gonna steal another tank.
What time are you going?
2100 hours.
That's nine o'clock.
Would you take Colin for a walk about eight?
What?
That's 2000 hours.
Oh, yeah.
TV: LAUGHTER
That's never happened to me before.
Minicab?
BOTH: No, thanks.
Take this, you won't get searched.
Why?
You look like a primary teacher.
That's enough of that.
Sorry, miss. What's the plan?
'Get the tube into Soho,
go for drinks in a fashionable gay West End gay bar before catching a play by a hip playwright.'
'Then we go to a coffee house and discuss the play
before retiring to a jazz bar to talk about life till it's time to catch the last tube.'
What do you think?
I think I'm going home.
Well, what do you wanna do then?
'We get the tube into Camden and head for the nearest bar.'
'We smoke a spliff so we're monkeyed when we get there.'
'We stay there for a while and end up laughing like twats.'
'We then relocate to a low-level pub and drink until we...
a) fall over, b) puke, or c) fall over and puke.'
I like my idea better.
Yeah, well, you would.
I think it's more interesting.
Toss a coin?
Two pints of cider, please.
And crisps.
And crisps as well.
Two packets of crisps.
And nuts
Daisy, I'm ordering the drinks!
I can't remember now. Fuck it, two tequila slammers.
YES!
It's ups and downs, ups and downs, ups and downs.
We're not more up than down.
Know what I mean?
What did you wanna be as a kid?
Monkey.
A monkey?
No, Monkey.
(MIMICS) Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay. Headache!
What did you wanna be?
Elvis.
That's stupid, he's a bloke.
(IMPERSONATES ELVIS) # I don't wanna be a tiger Cos tigers play too rough #
Go on. Go on.
There's a good little fellow.
Right, off to enjoy a night running round in the dark with a gun.
You stay here and be good.
Settle down and get comfy cos you...
are going nowhere.
Oh, bollocks.
Colin! Colin!
Colin! Colin! COLIN!
I'm glad we decided to stay in, Twist. It's so nice here.
Just you and me together.
I've been naughty.
Naughty?
I've lost Colin.
How?
He just ran off.
Brian, we've got to find him.
He'll come back.
One thing I've learned is never leave a man behind.
It's a dog.
Or a dog.
Bye, Twist.
Sophie seems very nice.
Yeah, she's cool. Very cool.
She's quite quiet.
What?! She talks more than you.
Really?
Yeah, yeah. And she's very funny as well.
She really makes me laugh.
Well, I'm glad. I'm glad for you.
What about you? You er...
Glad.
You got someone special?
No, I put men off.
No, you don't.
No, I do, trust me.
Hey, come on, pull my finger.
FARTS
Well, look, you're a beautiful, talented woman.
I'm going to go to the toilet and I bet some bloke chats you up.
(CLEARS THROAT)
You having a good night?
Are you having a good night?
Yeah. You?
Oh, yes.
Do you know where I'd get some puff?
Erm, not at the moment, no.
Have you got any?
Just a couple of spliffs' worth.
Can I buy it off you?
No. "It's just for me and my dawg."
Do you remember that Kiaora advert?
"It's too orangey for crows."
Brilliant.
What are you talking about?
You remember that, don't you?
Hi, Dom, yeah. This is Duane Benzie.
Tim, hi, I didn't expect to see you.
You stole my girlfriend.
LAUGHTER
(DEMONIC LAUGHTER)
Oh, Tim, this is, erm,...
Duane.
Tim, hi.
This isn't the kind of place I'd expect to find you.
It's exactly where I'd expect to see you.
What does that mean?
You work it out.
All right then.
You're Duane. The "Duane" Duane.
Duane Benzie.
Duane Benzie that...
Stole my girlfriend.
That depends how you look at it.
Tim looks at it that way.
Yes, I do.
So, Tim, haven't seen you since...
No hard feelings, eh?
You shot me in the bollocks, Tim.
Like I said, no hard feelings.
You're lucky I didn't sue.
Well, why didn't you?
I'm not a monster, Tim.
Besides, you don't have much in the way of... assets.
I heard you got back with Sarah.
She came to her senses.
She not out tonight?
No, she's erm...
Working late?
She's got a presentation.
Putting in a lot of overtime?
What's that supposed to mean?
(COUGHS)
Daisy, we're leaving.
Nice to meet you, Daisy.
Yeah, yeah. Pull my finger.
Daisy!
At last I will emerge as the victor.
At last I will have revenge.
I'm glad we left cos that could've got nasty.
How 'bout that spliff?
I told you, we're not selling.
We're not buying.
Blondie's got something for me.
Yes. Daisy, give him the stuff.
They're only about 12.
Look at them.
(CRACKS NECK)
(BURPS)
(TUTS)
Just what I've been looking for.
I cannot believe this.
Tim.
I got mugged by the Red Hand Gang.
Come on.
And Sophie's sleeping with her boss.
She's not sleeping with her boss.
And besides, what if she is? >
Sometimes it pays to be single.
Take Marsha, know what she told me?
I was gonna be an Olympic athlete.
What's that got to do with anything?
I'll tell ya.
I was a sprinter, a fast one too.
Why do you think I've got ace pins?
They're me souvenirs.
Forked-lightening Klein, they called me. I was set for stardom.
Sailed through the districts, walked the nationals.
All set to wow the Olympic selection committee when suddenly - bang!
You got shot?!
Might as well have done.
I was coming back from training
when suddenly a Mini comes out of nowhere and knocks me down.
Next thing, I'm on the pavement with this pillock standing over me
saying "I didn't see you, I was going too fast, I was drunk."
He gives me his Jack Daniels bottle.
"I don't drink" I said. "Oh, go on, love, it'll help with the pain."
He was not wrong.
Oh, my God.
Fractured me tibia, couldn't train.
Eventually lost interest.
What happened to the pillock?
I married him in '69.
I often wonder what would've happened if I wasn't knocked down.
Where would I be now?
Thanks, Des. Coming up, the latest rugby
and a report from the Davis Cup.
Thanks.
I'm being stupid. I'm paranoid.
I keep thinking about what happened with Sarah.
That is in the history. That's past.
Stop thinking about Sarah.
I don't. I don't think about her, I don't miss her.
I don't think about what it would've been like to get married, have kids and a Prologic TV.
I don't think about it. And a studio.
Sod the grass.
You've got good friends, you've got a good job and a foxy lady.
I'm the luckiest man in town.
Have a nice night, Tim!
Get on that.
This in't grass.
It's oregano.
How can you tell?
I'm a catering student.
Get the car.
Make your way out, please.
We should do this more often.
It's your birthday soon, we could have a blowout.
Let's go home, watch some telly and eat some stew.
Now that's a plan I like.
Have you got your keys?
I left mine in that pub.
They'll close soon.
He who laughs last laughs longest. (LAUGHS)
GUNSHOTS
MACHINE-GUN FIRE
CLICKING
# BARBER: Adagio For Strings
SPURTING
SIMULTANEOUS GUNSHOTS
Tim! Let's go!
BOTH: Yes, please!
Step on it!
Come on!
ENGINE RACES
CRASH
You bloody idiot! Have you any idea how much this car cost?
Why not piss off back to Womford where you belong, you little prick?!
Eh?! Eh?!
Clever boys.
(SCREAMING)
Thanks, bye.
I can't believe you said "Step on it".
I wanted to say it.
DOOR BUZZER
CONTINUOUS BUZZING
Think we'll be here all night?
Nah.
I'm cold.
(BOTH SIGH)
You know what I was saying earlier on?
About what?
About being single and that.
I think the thing is not to go looking for it, you know.
I think things happen when you least expect them to.
Yeah?
METALLIC JINGLE
Isn't that your dog?
Aren't those your keys?
Yeah!
I must have had them all along.
Have you two just been taking Colin out?
BOTH: Yes.
Didn't you go on your mission?
Erm,... sort of.
You're in time for stew. Chop chop.
(STONED) That was a great stew, Daisy.
I think I'll make another one.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd