CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE
# Bagpuss Theme Tune
SCREAM
I'm sorry!
I'm hit!
I'm blind!
Buffy!
SCREAMING & RUMBLING
GLASS SMASHING
SCREAMING: I want to go out!
SCREAMING
WANT TO GO OUT!!!
Amber. Amber.
SHORT GROWL
HOOF-LIKE FOOTSTEPS
HOWLING WIND
TYRES SCREECH & ENGINE ROARS
I knew this day would come.
Still, she had to go sometime.
BOOMERANG TYPE WHIPPING
I met this girl when I was travelling whose dad had to go to war.
But he was crippled.
So she wasn't what her parents wanted
Not that you didn't want Amber, but she was different - a tomboy.
So she stole her dad's armour
and went to war instead of him. Then they won the war because of her.
That's Mulan.
That's her name. Do you know her?
It's a Disney film.
It's a Disney film. Yes.
And there's a song in it
which is about how she wants to look in a mirror
and then # See her real reflection #
I think that's probably a bit how Amber feels.
Like Mulan?
Yeah.
Eddie Murphy does the dragon voice.
To my mind, his third best film.
Does anyone want a drink?
Bit early for that, innit?
Yeah, go on, then.
I was thinking more like a tea.
Are you worried about Amber?
Nah. She's got three languages and a Dutch cap, she'll be fine. Cheers.
You are so blind!
You so do not understand!
You weren't there at the beginning! You don't know how good it was!
This is it for you! This jumped-up toy advert!
People like you make me sick! What's wrong with you?
Now, I don't care if you've saved up all your 50ps,
take your pocket money AND GET OUT!!
(CRIES)
(SIGHS)
(INHALES) What a prick!
Tim, can I have a word in my office?
Yes.
Have a seat, Tim.
Twiglet?
Better not.
I was like you once.
Blond hair, scraggy little beard.
Child-like ears.
Full of beans and spunk!
I let my principles get in the way sometimes.
I punched a bloke in the face for saying Hawk the Slayer was rubbish.
Good for you.
That's not the point. I defended the fantasy genre with terminal intensity
when I should have said "Dad, you're right."
"Let's give Krull a try and we'll discuss it later."
The Phantom Menace was 18 months ago!
I know, Bilbo, it... it still hurts.
That kid wanted a Jar Jar doll.
Kids like Jar Jar!
Why?!
What about Ewoks?! They were rubbish!
You don't complain about them.
Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks look like fucking Shaft!
I've had enough, Tim.
But, Bilbo... >
I know how you feel, right?
But this can't go on.
What are you trying to say, Bilbo?
I'm gonna have to let you go.
Phew! (LAUGHS)
Arghh!
I thought you were going to fire me. (LAUGHS)
I was, like... (GAGS) Phew!
Look at that!
Right, off to work. Should be back in a couple of hours.
Mike, have you got any money?
Actual currency, no.
I'm sure I had some but it just seems to have just gone.
Oh. I should, you know, get off.
You didn't sort of borrow it - go through my pockets and...
Steal it?
I'm sorry, that sounded really bad.
Erm... did you steal it?
No!
Sorry, no, you're right.
Have a nice day.
Yeah, thanks.
Mike, what do you do?
If I tell you that, I'll have to kill you.
What, is it, like, secret?
No.
Hi, Bri.
Gone.
What's gone?
Can't paint.
Yes, you can. You're very good.
My mind's just blank. I haven't painted anything in months.
I-I don't know what's wrong.
Maybe you should try approaching the canvas in different ways.
I have.
# Terry And June Theme
Aaagghh!
How do you tackle a creative block, Daisy?
I'm very fortunate,
I rarely suffer from writer's block. I'm extremely prolific.
You're very lucky.
Yeah, I know.
Have you got any money? I've got to sign on and can't afford the bus.
Can't you go to the bank?
Please! Just a tenner!
(SIGHS) I haven't got a bank account. They closed it.
I haven't signed on for months and I didn't tell them I was going away.
I'm sure you'll be all right. They're reasonable people.
Tim?
(SHOUTS INCOHERENTLY)
BANGING AND CLATTERING
Is everything all right?
Yes! Why?
No reason.
I've lost my job.
What? Why?
Not Phantom Menace?
Better go.
Good luck with your blockage. Oh, there's a letter here for you.
Thanks. Ta.
Sorry about your job, Tim.
Yeah, I'm sorry about your uncle, Brian.
Come on, mate. It's not as if he hasn't fired you before.
He's a reasonable bloke, I'm sure you can sort it out.
He's got somebody coming in for an interview this afternoon.
One thing's for sure, he'll be no Tim Bisley.
That all seems to be in order.
When can you start? >
Come on, Tim, there'll be other jobs.
What about your comic?
I'm sure the comic industry's desperately in need of a giant mutant bear with really special claws!
You've just got to get out there.
Yeah, well, I'm scared.
Of what? >
MANIC LAUGHTER
Nothing.
Come on. I was about to sign on. Why don't you come with me?
OK.
Why don't you lend me the bus fare?
Yeah!
You have got a very special talent, Tim Bisley.
It's gonna make you a lot of money.
Thanks, Daisy. I wish I had another special talent to fall back on.
'"Dear Brian, I hope this letter finds you well,
and that being a lawyer isn't too stressful."'
'"Sadly, I'm writing with bad news. Your Uncle Kevin died in his sleep,
whilst driving to Staines on the M4."'
'"We hope you can find time to come to the funeral next Thursday."'
'"Lots of love, Mum."'
(MOANS)
What you gonna say?
I'll say I was ill and start crying. That's you, new claims.
Oh, yeah. OK.
Good luck.
Yeah, you, too.
Hello. I'm Daisy Steiner.
I had an appointment at 10.30, I'm late.
Take an AB form from the stand and join the queue.
How long will I have to wait?
I'm sorry, I don't understand. Just fill out the form.
How long have you been unemployed, Mr Bisley?
About an hour and a half.
Have you been looking for work?
Why did you leave your job?
Er... I got fired.
Why?
Difference of opinion.
The Phantom Menace?
Didn't you like it?
Well, leave this with me.
I'll get you some money out in the next few days.
PHONE
Hello.
Brian, it's me.
Hello, me.
How are you?
Very well, thank you.
I miss you.
Miss me, too.
Would you like to come out later?
Yes, please.
I don't have to work tomorrow, we could stay in bed all day.
Hmmm!
(GIGGLES) Don't forget to wash your sheets.
Right.
And your penis.
"Bye."
Bye.
Ah, no. This is the Ab form, you need the AB form - capital B.
But... What? I've been here for over an hour.
Just over there on the stand.
Is this it?
OK, you want to sign on again?
You last signed on three months ago. What have you been doing?
(FAKE CRYING) I've been ill.
Do you have a doctor's note?
No, I lost it.
Look, there shouldn't be a problem. I just want some money.
You've always given me money before.
Sure you haven't been on holiday?
God, no. I couldn't afford that.
(SPEAKS VIETNAMESE)
You... bastard!
What can I say? She liked me.
I've got to pay the rent!
Can't you write some articles?
It's not as easy as that.
I can't just pluck another "Winter Skin Care: Dos and Don'ts" out of the air.
Maybe poverty will inspire you.
(SNIVELS)
It's not as bad as all that - Mike's giving us a few quid.
What if he wants to move out?
He doesn't at the moment, he's happy.
It's not as if he'll get a better offer by the time we get back. Eh?
(WHISTLES CHEERILY)
MILITARY DRUMMING
Mike, do you mind if we...?
BOTH: What you doing?
Marsha has offered me the position of lodger, which I have accepted.
But, Mike...
No, you've been kind enough to let me stay, it's only right I move on.
But we like having you here.
It'll be fine, I'm only upstairs.
We'll be able to use walkie-talkies without going to the park.
Ready then, Mike?
I'll be with you in one second.
Here he is, the new lodger. Just as well, hardly see the other one.
Yeah, Brian's spending a lot of time with Twist. I hardly see her.
I sometimes hear her.
HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAKING
Yeah. He was up earlier on. I think he's having a creative crisis.
Serves him right for getting his knackers in a twist.
I'm looking forward to having a big, strong bloke round the house.
Who's that?
You, you pillock.
Oh, right.
Ooh, he's funny, isn't he?
(BOTH EXHALE)
Any thoughts?
New batteries for my walkie-talkie.
About our situation. We're unemployed, I get no benefit, we need money.
How am I gonna afford aspirational magazines?
I'm gonna get a job.
You've signed on, you don't have to.
I like working, Daisy the smell of the ink, the taste of the biscuit.
Giving the littl'uns advice.
'People like you make me sick!'
CRYING
So do I, I love working.
I was a barmaid once and I loved it the hustle and bustle of a busy bar.
Can I get some service, please?
Oh, fuck you.
We are good with people.
Absolutely.
That's what writers do
take unrelated jobs to make money and gain experience.
Hm.
I temped in this office once,
and there were some great characters, real fodder.
There was this guy, Tony... (LAUGHS)
Oh, what did he say? It was, erm...
Anyway, that's what I'm gonna do.
Everyone does things they don't want to do sometimes like Mike.
He makes the best of it.
Does he?
Move! Move! Move!
CHILDREN SCREAM
Don't look at me! Move!
Well, I am going to go to one of those temping places.
That's the spirit new horizons, pastures green, change.
And not the small kind.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Why is that funny?
I don't know.
< Have you worked in a comic shop before?
Erm, yeah, the Fantasy Bazaar.
< That's Bilbo Bagshot's shop, isn't it?
< Why'd you leave?
It was a difference of opinion.
Oh, Phantom Menace?
Yeah, and I wanted a change.
OK. When can you start?
I'm sorry?
When can you start?
< So, what kind of work can you do?
Sorry?
What kind of work can you do?
Well, I'm creative, erm,
but I'm at home in the normal office environment.
But equally comfortable in the hustle and bustle of an eatery.
So that's anything, then?
Yes, yes, anything. I'm desperate.
BANGING
DRILLING & BANGING
DRILLING
Everything all right?
Oh, yes, thank you, Mrs K.
Give us a shout if you need anything.
Anything at all.
OK, then.
I'm an approachable landlady.
That's great.
So anything you want,...
just ask.
Is there a key to this lock?
Hello, Brian.
Aren't you gonna invite me in?
Bit busy.
Doing what?
Nice to see you've tidied up a bit.
Thanks.
Daisy was telling me you're feeling a little dry.
Everything OK?
Mm.
Yeah? >
Can't seem to get inspired. It used to come so easily.
Thought I'd cracked it this morning.
Got a letter saying Uncle Kevin had died, couldn't stop painting.
Twist called and... lost it. Just went.
You know what your problem is?
What?
You're happy.
I think you'll find you dried up the minute you started seeing Twit.
Do you think so?
It's obvious, innit? >
You cannot have your cake and eat her, Brian.
Contentment is the enemy of invention.
Oh, my God.
Funny, innit?
You were so prolific when we was at it.
This is awful.
Innit? What a dilemma.
I can't believe this!
It's so depressing, Brian.
You must be really worried.
Yes!
Angst-ridden.
Inconsolable.
Right, I'm off.
Mike's cooking beans, then we're gonna polish his guns and watch the A-Team. Bye.
(WAILS)
I love it when a plan comes together.
Hello, Silent Reading.
Yes, we do stock Jar Jar Binks merchandise.
Cuddly form, lunch box, action figure and key ring.
No problem. Bye-bye.
Well done, Tim. You've just taken your first step into a larger world.
All right, Derek.
Bilbo.
I was wondering if I could have a chat with Tim?
Certainly. I'll put some tea on.
Do you want a cup, Tim?
Huh! He should mount his collector's editions behind the counter,
not hide them away at the back.
What do you want to talk about?
So, how's it going?
Yeah, it's all right.
What's... Derek like as a boss?
He's OK. I don't agree with his policy on vintage comic display.
Look, Tim, I'm sorry I sacked you, it was a mistake.
Things not working out with the new guy?
You could say that.
Hawk the Slayer's rubbish.
I see.
Will you come back?
I like it here. Why do you think I wanna come back?
This.
"(SOBBING) Bilbo, this is Tim."
"Please can I come back? I don't like it here."
You got that, did you?
I would have come in anyway. It's not the same without you.
I'm already there.
I mean, I'll come back.
Oh! Yeah. You frightened me for a bit.
I'll have to give my notice here.
Can't you just get fired?
Derek?
Babylon 5's a big pile of shit!
Get out!
(BOTH CHEER)
Hey-hey!
WHISTLE
I got me job back.
BOTH: Hey!
I got me own room.
How's Brian doing?
He's standing in the garden with no clothes on.
What about Daisy?
She got a job in a book shop.
D'you think she'll be all right?
Erm... yeah.
Excuse me. Can you point me in the right direction of personal growth?
Fuck you.
'S'il vous plait.'