'Chapter One. "She adored London,
a city as passionate and beautiful as she was."'
'No. Too derivative. Chapter One...'
'As far back as I can remember I've wanted to be a graphic artist.'
'And one day soon... I will be!'
Argh!
'I'm Tim. I'm 27 and I'm single.'
'I wasn't always. I had a five-year relationship which ended badly.'
'I'm over it now.'
'"The city. London. Londinium."'
'No, that's just shit.'
'Daisy, my flatmate and friend.'
'She wants to be a writer. I think she's as confused as me.'
'She's travelling around Asia. She wanted to find herself.'
'I hope she does.'
'She got a bit of money for selling articles, about £400.'
'Her aunty gave her the rest.'
'Brian lives downstairs from us.'
'He's an artist.'
'Sort of.'
'"London was her place. Definite. Focused. Like her mind."'
'"Home of her triumphs and tragedies."'
'This is Mike.'
WHY?!!!
'My best friend.'
'He's back in the Territorial Army, after nicking a tank and trying to invade Paris. He's better now.'
Yes!
'"A city that loved her, never judged her."'
'This is Twist. Daisy's best friend.'
'I'm not entirely sure why.'
'I haven't figured her out yet. Sweet and stupid or an evil genius?'
'Either way, she sleeps with Brian and works in fashion... apparently.'
Listen, my girl! I...
'This is Marsha. That was her daughter, Amber.'
'Marsha's our landlady. She thinks we're a professional couple.'
'She's lovely.'
FUCK OFF!
'This is our baby. Dog! Sorry! Dog! Er, his name's Colin.'
'And this is our home, for about a year.'
'"As much as she travelled the world, it was London she longed for."'
'"Home of her passions, her adventures, her friends."'
'"This was their flat and it always would be."'
# GEORGE GERSHWIN: Rhapsody In Blue
(INAUDIBLE)
BOTTLES CLINK
Hello!
Hello! Tim!
I'm home!
(Oh.)
(SIGHS)
TOILET FLUSHES
BANG
(SCREAMS)
Hey!!!
(LAUGHS)
Ahhhh... Ooh!
Welcome... It's...
(BOTH SIGH)
BOTH: Hey-ey-eyyyy!!!
Heyyyy!
Enough! How are you? How was Asia?
It was great. I had a wonderful time. It was beautiful.
Like being in another country. I mean I was, but it was another universe.
I feel very Zen. Erm... I don't know where to start.
Near the end?
(EXCITED SIGH) Where's Colin?
Er... Um... Um...
Yah!
You bastard!
He's OK. Upstairs with Marsha.
Ah. Is he all right?
He's fine, I'm sure.
Check out the tan?
Yeah. You look like... Pocahontas.
Thank you very much,... Casper.
The ghost.
Ah, right.
So how are you, you big bloody man?
I'm good. I've had a few things to work through.
Sarah? >
No, George Lucas.
# MOURNFUL MUSIC
Tim, it's been over a year. >
18 months, Daisy.
It still hurts.
Well, I didn't think Phantom Menace was that bad.
Nice to see you here. How are you?
I'm in the quarterfinals of Robot Wars.
Wow!
But I had to leave Mum's place.
< Really?
Things have been difficult.
She's been overbearing. I felt suffocated, unable to grow.
I've got a lot to offer and Mum can't accept it.
Right.
And I shot the cat up the arsehole.
Right!
We'll have to come to your flat, have a party.
Yeah, well, Daisy...
He's staying here. I asked Marsha. She said "The more the merrier."
She thinks he's in the spare room.
OK... Oh! My room!
Yeah.
I see.
Sorry about this. He had nowhere and there was a bed.
It's fine. It's fine.
Hope you haven't made too much mess!
JUNGLE INSECTS AND HELICOPTER
He'll be on the sofa by tonight.
Fine! Fine! Fine!
Fine. I slept rough for two months.
Another night won't kill me.
Let's see your photos.
No need for photos.
Welcome... to... the 21st century!
Got this cheap in Singapore. Right.
Three two-hour cassettes. Couldn't stop filming.
I'll make documentaries, travelogues. Michael Palin for the millennium.
I could use this as a pilot. Just see what you think, anyway.
"Hello and welcome to Bangkok."
Just yell if you get bored.
SNORING
"Um, I've been here about four days. It's early in the morning..."
Who is it? >
It's Daisy.
(GURGLES)
Hello, you!
(NERVOUS GIGGLE) Hi.
Ah! Go there!
Do you want some tea?
Yes, please.
Got some Lapsang Souchong because you were coming back.
Ah, thanks!
So... did you have a great time?
Yes, I did, yes. It was... amazing.
It was incredible.
Just so many different places and...
Mm...!
Everything all right?
Yes! Why?
You seem different.
I feel different, Daisy.
You on Prozac?
No, no. I... I'm... enjoying life!
And it's thanks, thank you, thanks to you!
Really?
Because of you I met Twist! I was single for so long!
Lurrrve is a beautiful thing, Daisy.
You should try it!
Oh... You two having fun?
Oh...
Well, uh, I'm very happy for you, Brian.
BOTH: Ooh!
BOTH: Argh!
BOTH: Eeee!
BOTH: Owww!
Is this a new one?
No, same one.
Oh, our one?
Marsha.
BOTH: Shi-it!
Hello, kitten! Welcome home!
Hello! Mwah!
Oh-oh. Hello, baby! How are you?
Has he missed me?
He's fine. Had a bloke fit a dog flap. Loves it! Never in these days.
That's cos Mummy's been away. But she's back now, isn't she?
Go on, in your basket.
< BOTH: Oooh!
Come in. Come and sit down.
Hello, you two!
(BOTH GRUNT)
Nice to have you back, Daisy.
I've got you something.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Oh, duty free! How did you know?
Oh...!
How was it, kitten? Magic?
It was! >
I feel... energised, you know?
I feel creative. I feel absolutely good.
Did you behave yourself?
What do you mean?
Well, young woman away on her own without her beau.
Never know what might happen. Some ouzo destructo and, ooh, the regret.
I didn't go to Greece. It was Asia.
What? I know! I was just sayin'.
I trust you didn't play away?
BOTH: Oooh!
Well, there was... this one guy.
Go on.
'He was called Steven.'
'I met him at the airport coming home.'
'Nothing happened, just... he was really sweet.'
Ahh! Did he remind you of Tim?
Er... No, not really.
'We just sort of found each other. Kindred spirits, you know.'
'We talked for ages, about everything. It was great.'
'He was so easy-going.'
'I met a lot of annoying idiots on holiday, going on and on,
but Steven just seemed... (SIGHS) different.'
'I dunno, he made me feel relaxed, at ease, like I could be myself.'
'What can I say? He was like... a real gentleman.'
So what happened?
Dunno.
'We were at Arrivals, chatting, gonna share a cab,
and he just vanished.'
'I must have lost him in the crowd.'
Oh, well! You know what they say.
Why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home?
Get off, you bummer!
TYRES SCREECH
That's her! Duchess of the D Grade.
Doin' A levels, bless her.
Where the fuck have you been? You can stay out but at least phone!
DOOR SLAMS
Right. I'm off.
Hang on. Here's something else.
Video footage of me.
Oh. Good.
See what you think.
Nice to have you back safe. You look well.
Most people lose weight, travellin'.
You all right?
I just... feel a bit weird, that's all. That's... (SIGHS)
This time yesterday I was in Delhi.
The most exciting city in India.
< BOTH: Aargh!
Probably the world.
And... I'm back in London.
< BOTH: Eeeee!
Where nothing ever happens.
It's not here.
We have the wrong bag.
Look.
"Daisy Steiner. 23 Meteor St. Tufnell Park."
What do you want to do?
Get the car!
Urgh! Urgh!
Uh-uh.
Urgh!
Arrrgh!
Oh! Choke-slam.
Doko!
Argh! (LAUGHS)
Come on, Daisy. Have a fight, yeah?
CRUNCH
No.
All right. Suit yourself.
(BOTH CHOKE)
Can't we go down the pub?
The pub?
I really wanna go. I fancy a pint of Guinness and some crisps.
I'm jet-lagged. I don't wanna sleep.
DAISY!
You comin'?
Yeah... Yeah, just give me a second.
Mmmm! I'm wearing nothing at all.
Tss! Mm! What are you wearing?
(GROWLS)
< Ahhh!
Ooh, Prada...!
What's Prada?
Is he coming?
I left him a note.
You can buy the first round.
I've only got rupees.
Oh, all right! Mike can get it.
What?
I want a nice, relaxing day.
BUZZER
Yes?
Daisy Steiner.
Yes.
Are you Daisy Steiner?
Do you know where she is?
Why?
She is under suspicion
of bringing a bag of sensitive materials into the country.
Sensitive.
Can you tell us where she is, Mr Topp?
How do you know my name?
It's on the doorbell.
Oh.
Where is she, Brian?
"Brian" isn't on the doorbell.
WHERE IS SHE?
What... "pub"?
Ah! Ooh-ah!
Right! I'll point the pink pistol at the porcelain firing range.
Aye, aye!
Come on, it can't be that bad, being back.
I'm fine. I was looking forward to it,... seeing everybody.
Yeah. I've been looking forward to seeing you.
It was weird with you away. The flat was different, something missing.
Erm...
The smell?
Yeah? Yeah?
Come with us, please.
Where you goin'?
No. I'm all right here.
I don't want to tell you again.
You should go, Dais.
No. I don't know who they are.
Miss Steiner, you illegally brought sensitive material into the country.
What? A kite?
We have your partner in custody, Miss Steiner.
Your partner?
A Mr Steven Edwards.
Who is Steven Edwards, Daisy?
Daisy?!
'He was like a real
gentleman.'
The little shit!
Who is Steven Edwards?!
I met him at the airport.
Oh, did you?
Miss Steiner!
Do you mind? I... OW!
(WHISTLES)
Say hello to my little friend.
Hm?
Shit!
NECK CRUNCHES
That just happened, didn't it?
Uh... Yeah.
"Here we are, me and Steven..."
"Hello!"
Don't walk by the telly. Your tights are strobing. If you will look...
Bloody hell!
Note to self. Shoot first, quip later.
Where did you learn to do that?
My time in Asia wasn't just spent sightseeing.
# ORIENTAL MUSIC
I've changed, Tim.
Your front door's open.
Brian!
Welcome home, Miss Steiner.
They arrived just before you did.
You Lando!
Take a seat, Miss Steiner.
Let us not have a repeat of our last encounter.
You're trying my patience. We have the bag, Miss Steiner.
I didn't know I had it.
Don't resist. You illegally imported goods, contravening customs law.
We have the evidence to bring you in.
No, you don't!
Marsha!
Hello, everybody.
(SOFTLY) Hello, Brian.
Hm.
What is this?
This will clear everything up.
We don't have time!
Timmy!
Wait!
Thanks for your help, Mrs Klein.
It's Miss... actually.
Miss Klein.
We need this to study, Miss Steiner.
Don't even think about leaving the country.
Don't worry. I won't.
I can't afford it.
Ah! That's better!
You'd never know he'd been here.
Ahhh... He's like a giant baby.
With a moustache.
Thanks for letting him stay. It won't be long.
I like having him here. >
Oh, I'm sorry about your kite.
My kite?
Yeah. I got it for you.
Did you? Ahhh.
Sure it wasn't for Steven Edwards?
It was a weird day, wasn't it?
Mm.
Sort of...
Slightly unbelievable.
It's nice to be back, though.
Nice to have you back.
Get off me, you Joey.
GUNFIRE
"I am in the Fadfangpangpongfankan."
"Not that but something like that. Memorial Peace Gardens."
"I've been here for about four days."
"It's early in the morning, about five, so it's chilly."
(SNORES)
I hhhate this job!