# Come on, Eileen, too-loo rye-aye
# Now you are grown
# Now you have shown
# Oh, Eileen
# Come on, Eileen, too-loo rye
# Now I must say more than ever
# Things round here have changed
# I say Too-ra, loo-ra, Too-ra, loo-rye-aye
MUSIC STOPS
BANG
HEARTBEATS
Oh !
# (RADIO) ...My thoughts I confess
# Verge on dirty, Oh, come on, Eileen... #
(WHINGES)
It's Sunday morning. Grange Hill's on.
TA's no game.
It's the Rough Ramblers.
You don't understand. You'd rather be in bed.
You'd rather be in Apocalypse Now.
(DUCK CALL)
What you doing later ? It's classified.
Come round. I'm bored.
Can't. I'm learning to Eskimo roll with a rucksack and loaded rifle.
They don't have rifles, Mike.
Grenades ? No.
Anthrax ?
Gotta go. Looks like we're moving out. Roger bravo tango alpha.
Come on, Mike !
DOORBELL
Yay ! Danny Kendall's about to die !
Oh, yeah.
BOTH: Yay !
That is better than when Jeremy went into the pool to get Faye's necklace and suffered a brain embolism.
Bronson's got to pay ! (LAUGHS) "Bronson's got to pay !"
Tim ! Tim ! Bronson's got to pay ! He's got a toupee ! (LAUGHS)
OK if I bring the bike in ? Your landlady looks like a bike thief.
She'll sell it to buy Jacob's Creek ?
That's my living. You ponce off the state while taxpayers like me fund your drink problem.
You even seem to have a shit time.
Anyway, I was coming back from a club and I remembered.
You owe me 20 quid.
This is Tyres. He bikes my drawings round.
Tim said he had more than one friend.
I didn't believe him. It's the village of the damned !
Are yous two, erm...
What ? I don't...
Are yous an item ?
(BOTH LAUGH)
No ! That's... No.
Daisy's not like that. That's funny.
We're just mates, aren't we ? Chums.
Get off me !
I see. Yous are... "friends" ?
BOTH: Yeah.
Did you want a cup of tea ?
I couldn't eat a thing.
Not even tea ?
No. No solids. Something orange ?
Water ?
OK !
RINGS
# DANCE MUSIC
KETTLE HISSES
DOG GROWLS
CLOCK, PHONE, DOG AND POURED WATER IN RHYTHM TO MUSIC
< Hello ?
What, already ?
All right. I'll see you later.
Who was that ?
Mike. He nearly drowned. He put too many pebbles in his rucksack.
I last saw Mike on Crimewatch.
Mistaken identity. The police had his house surrounded all last week.
No. This was about two months ago.
Oh, yeah. That was him.
What did you do last night ?
Last night was an A1, tip-top clubbing jam fayre, a sandwich of fun on ecstasy bread,...
wrapped up in a baglike disco fudge.
I just wish I could control these fuckin' mood swings !
So what did yous two friends do ?
Oh, we just stayed in, didn't we ? Had a laugh, played Scrabble.
# A choo-choo, teeky too Tikky-tikky too oh-oh-oh ohhh
Leap - six, seven... Six.
# A too-too tikky too tikky-too...
Live. Or "liyve".
Shazam. It is a word !
< What does it mean ?
Captain Marvel says it.
It's a nonsense invented word ! What's "goo" ?
You're doing that so you can use Z.
I swear to God...
# Do-do do do-do do-do do do-do...
Pro V. Pantene Pro V.
You can't have Pantene Pro V ! >
Goo is shampoo. >
It makes the hair silky and smooth.
They made it up to make shampoo sound important ! You're so naive !
Pro V isn't a word !
# Choo, tikky choo...
Fuck !
What ?
The last letters you threw spelt FUCK.
What does that mean ?
You skipped sex and went to Scrabble.
Can't get my head round the platonic inter-gender malarkey.
I don't mind a chinwag with a honey, after waggling on her chin.
Yeah !
You waggle your willy on her chin ?
Don't come your postfeminist art-school bollocks, sunflower !
I work. What do you do ?
I write, actually.
You're on the dole !
Are yous coming out with me tonight?
BOTH: No money.
I'll lend you the money.
I owe you 20 quid.
Do you ?
No. Oh, look ! There's Madonna.
Where ? We'll see you later.
I'll have a shower, shit and shave, and I'll be back about 11.
Pack your party bags, cos tonight's gonna be a large one. All right ? Oye-oye ! (LAUGHS)
What was all that about Madonna ?
Tyres has got a short attention span. I remember once... Look ! Wrestling.
Give him the stick ! Come on !
Aaargh ! > Sorry !
Bastard ! > Sorry ! God !
(SIGHS)
Haven't been to a club in ages. We should ask Brian to come.
I don't see Brian throwing shapes in the Church of Dance.
He might if we ask Twist.
Brian and Twist ?! Yeah. Tyres will probably think we're double dating.
Yuk ! He was funny, wasn't he ?
What did you mean by "Daisy's not like that" ?
I never said that. You said "No. Daisy's not like that."
I just meant... you're not like that. I don't see you in that way.
What am I ? Chopped liver ?
(LAUGHS) I wish.
You're too hung up on your ex to notice the existence of other women.
Who said that ?
No, I'm serious. I'm serious. I think you've got a big problem.
Shut up ! You don't know my problems.
I do. Half a bottle of Galliano, that's all you talk about.
Bloody Galliano.
It's an obsession, Tim.
You call her name in your sleep.
How did you know I was asleep ? Why call her name if you were awake?
I think you've got a v big problem with your ex-g-friend.
Just back off ! What do you care ?
I was just making an observation !
Don't ! You don't know what you're talking about !
Ugh !
Sorry ! > All right.
(LOUD SIGH)
Are you gonna ask Brian to come out?
Yes ! Are you going to sulk all day ?
No !
WHIPPING >
Can't come out. >
We're going clubbing. Want to come ?
Don't go to clubs. >
What do you mean, Brian ?
I'm working, Tim. Working. D'you understand ?
No, sorry. Got me there.
Trying to...
..avoid...
..cliches...
..by not actually placing my brush on the canvas.
Wow.
Using my penis.
Finally ?
Do you want to see ?
No, I'm just about to have my tea.
Come out. It'd be good for you.
No, it won't.
Twist'll be there.
Will she ?
Can't !
Huge.
It's a no.
Shush !
Money ! That's all you care about ! What do you know ?
More than you think, young lady !
'I feel for Amber.'
# HEAVY METAL
(MOANING)
SHOUTING
'I feel for Amber. (CHUCKLES)'
# BILLIE: Because We Want To
(SOBBING)
KNOCK ON DOOR
Marsha.
NO !
Hi, Marsha.
Hello !
Sorry about the noise.
Periods, you know. Her dad left.
I thought he left when she was two.
Yeah, yeah. She is milking it slightly.
Do you want a... tea ?
No, I won't intrude.
All right. I'll have a small one.
OK. One small tea.
It's difficult, isn't it ? Me and my mum used to row all the time.
I worry if you stay out after ten.
Try to think about my feelings. >
Bye, Mum. Love you.
Bye, Dumpling. Love you, too !
(SIGHS) Oh, yeah. She used to go ballistic.
She'd say "You're not going out !" and I'd say "Yes, I am !" (LAUGHS)
She was just so unreasonable.
For God's sake, she was just worried.
She was scared to face life without me so she tried to stop me growing.
That is so self-obsessed, as if life revolved around you ! All she wanted to do was show you somebody cared.
If she'd wanted that she could have bought me that pony.
Money - it's all you care about.
What do you know what I care about ?
More than you think, young lady. Oh, leave me alone !
You got any biscuits ?
(BLOWS FAINTLY)
How is she?
The fibre glass was severely damaged.
What happened?
Showing off, Tim! 15 rocks in my rucksack. The regulation is five.
I knew something was wrong when I got her in the water. She was sitting so low. So low.
I didn't stop, Tim. 15 rocks and everyone knew.
What happened when you rolled?
I lost control two feet from shore. I struggled to right her and banged into the jetty, damagingthe canoe.
The Rambler leader had to dive in and rescue me.
So it wasn't so much an Eskimo roll. It was more a case of rolling right Inuit! (LAUGHS)
Inuit's another word for Eskimo!
I've been thrown out, Tim. The Rough Ramblers don't want me any more!
Come on, come on. Come on.
I'm not the big man, not the leader. No-one's ever gonna look up to me. I feel like a failure.
You're not a failure, Mike.
You're too good for them. They're not ready for you. You're a renegade, a soldier of fortune.
(WEEPY) Like The A-Team. You're like Mr T, but white and hairy.
I am, aren't I?
I feel sorry for anybody that says you're not.
I pity the fool. I pity the fool. I ain't goin' on no plane, sucka! Stop that!
Will I ever be in the Army?
No.
Cos of what happened.
I know, Mike, and I'm sorry, but this was a long time ago.
I haven't let you down since, have I?
And I never will. I know. Come here, you big twat.
Hm, hm! Excuse me!
Just a second!
OK.
Mike!
Cheap Dutch lager for the lady?
No, thanks.
Oh, thanks(!)
I'm on a special diet. I have to eat like a bird.
Like this? Tch-tch-tch-tch-tch. (LAUGHS)
Where's Brian?
Yeah. Where's Brian?
Up his own arse.
You don't like him? >
I do. I'm not sure why.
How are you, Mike?
Yeah.
That's a well-fitted body warmer.
It's a life jacket.
Have you been yachting? Kind of off-road rambling.
All forms of outdoor pursuits - walking, canoeing, killing.
Killing?
No. No killing.
Maybe you should take the jacket off.
He will when he's ready!
Are you coming out tonight, Mike?
I don't really go out much. Haven't got anything to wear.
Oh, come on, Mike! Let's get dressed up and go out!
You know. We'll be like a gang, a group! Like an army. Yeah!
Try this on.
Is this mine?
That's mine!
You borrow my clothes.
Why would I do that?
You look fantastic!
Too tight? BOTH: No!
You could tie something around your waist if you feel...
BOTH: Self-conscious.
Do you think it's a bit feminine?
BOTH: No! Course it is! It's a girl's top!
Get away from him! Don't let them dress you up like a giant cock.
Had to dress as an elderly Israeli woman once. Did you?
I didn't HAVE to. We should talk.
(HUMS TO MUSIC)
Is it too much?
BOTH: Yes.
No!
Oh, hi, Bri!
Can I use your video?
What are you going to do? Stick it to a canvas as part of a piece depicting a society
of cathode-junkies selling their imagination for quick-fix media hits?
I want to record Ready Steady Cook.
OK!
Sure you don't want to come out?
I don't go to clubs. Oh, why?
Erm...
Just don't.
Get that, will you, Mike?
So, er... Packed the party bag?
Yes. Two fresh jumpers, two fresh T-shirts, two woolly hats. All right?
Saved any countries from tyranny?
A soldier that minds his business! Ha-ha! You lucky people!
Who's this?
Brian. He's not coming. Why not?
Yeah. Why?
Why aren't you coming, Brian? It won't be the same! Please!
(ALL ASK)
I don't go clubbing!
Hello, everyone.
Oh, hi, Marsha. Hi, Marsha.
You all going out?
ALL: Yeah. Except Brian.
Looks like it's just you and me, then, Brian.
I'm putting my coat in the cloakroom.
Take mine, will you, Daisy? Take mine, too.
Yeah, there's no point us both queueing.
Thanks very much, little lady.
CHEERING
Who wrote the music?
What?
Sorry. I can't hear you!
WHISTLING
# MELLOW MUSIC
I've got to dance.
LET'S SWING!
I'm really sorry about snapping at you. That was so out of order.
No! No, no, no. It's fine! It's good.
Is it? It was good. We're on another level.
No, we are.
We can snap at each other and it doesn't matter. It's not a problem.
It's beneath us. Yeah.
Yeah. Cos I like you. I do.
I like living with you. It's fun! Ahhh! O-ohhh! You're talented. You're gonna do well.
YOU are! No! You are! You're so good!
No... You're such a good artist! Am I? You are! You're so good!
We're both gonna be fine. Yeah,yeah. We're gonna do well. So well.
We'll get a big house in Hampstead, and have a room as our own club!
Have a club! Get our friends... Yeah, yeah! We'll be King and Queen of Clubland!
Yeah! Brilliant.. You and me! (LAUGHS) You and me! (LAUGHS)
Wheyyyyy! Ha-ha-ha!
Didn't mean to interrupt. I wondered if you two friends would like to come and join the collective.
Yeah!
I'm sorry I left you!
That's all right! Where's Mike?
Where's Mike?
Over there!
# THEME FROM THE A-TEAM
'My work here is done.'
(COUGHS AND RETCHES)
# Oooh, only for the
# Only for the
# Only for the hardcore UK raver
# Ba-ba-ba nwow-nwow-nwow
# Am little hard, am little razor Am little hard, am little razor
# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
# Rewind! #