DOOR CREAKS
THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE
# EERIE MUSIC
MOANING
You want a piece of me ?
Come get some.
MOANS
Heads up !
Oh, shit.
Oh, hiya.
Don't sneak up on me like that !
Ooh ! Do you want a cup of tea ?
Yes.
Ah !
Tea.
Thank you.
Up early.
Didn't go to bed. Me and Mike met two Scottish guys who gave us cheap speed.
That's so tacky.
They were so nice.
If we'd said no they would have beaten us to death with a pool cue.
Where's Mike ?
(IMITATES CAR)
Dunno.
Any post ?
I did hear droppage.
I'll get my rejection letters, then.
I met this nice girl last night.
Ssh ! I'm supposed to be your girlfriend. Marsha might hear.
Don't be daft.
You never know who's listening.
Nobody's listening.
"You never know who's listening."
"Nobody's listening."
So, who was this girl, then ?
Her name was Cassandra. She was a psychic. She gave me her phone number.
That's our phone number.
Man, she's good.
(SIGHS) Rejection, rejection, rejection. This is SHIT. This is so shit !
I'm a good writer, you know. All I want is a chance to prove it.
Is that too much to ask ?
I really miss my boyfriend.
I'm gonna go to Hull to see Richard.
Don't try and stop me, Tim. I really need this.
Oh !
It's from Flaps.
Who ? The woman's magazine. I've got an interview. Better get ready.
What about Richard ?
Who ? I'm going to the shops. Want anything ?
Porn !
I'm not buying porn. Get it from railway sidings like everybody else.
I can't. I'm an adult. I'm supposed to leave it there.
Oh, hi, Bri.
Brought your mop back.
What're you playing ?
It's a subtle blend of lateral thinking and extreme violence.
What ? Like It's A Knockout ?
Did you want something ?
No, not really.
Oh, there's a letter here for you. Came yesterday.
It's open.
Yeah, I opened it by accident because we've both got "i"s in our names.
TICKING
It's from Vulva.
Another woman's magazine ?
It's an old friend. She's having a show tonight.
Who's called Vulva ?
Her real name's Ian.
Her real name's Ian ?
She's non-gender specific.
He's a tranny ?
More than that. Big, fat tranny ?
Vulva.
Had a multimedia-performance-art partnership before she moved on.
Such aesthetic wonders.
Such vibrant times.
Yeah, I can imagine.
# QUIRKY AND CONFUSED MUSIC
HORN
No, no, we did valuable work.
She was the beautiful one, really. I just danced to her tune.
It was purity. It was physical. Not in the sexual sense.
We were collaborative. I don't expect you to understand.
Most people just switch off.
It's hard to hear the story of a love affair between two straight men.
One of whom is the most divine woman alive.
So, are you gonna go ?
I don't know. I haven't seen her for ages.
No, I meant are you gonna go... now ?
Oh...yeah.
'Research, research, research, research, research, research !'
'OK.'
'Ah, look at photos, ideas, transfers and lipstick.'
'Oh, good.'
'Erm, yeah.'
'Photos, ideas, transfers and... Oh !'
DEEP GROANS
Right.
(Current affairs.)
Current affairs, OK.
What do you think about current affairs, Daisy ?
What do I think about them ?
I like them. I think they're good. Right, what shall I wear ?
Dress like a lesbian.
How do lesbians dress ? Like Suzi Quatro.
It's not a lesbian magazine. It's for go-getting women with something to say, like...
Suzi Quatro.
Like me.
Should I go reliable and frumpy or stupid and glamorous ?
Something in between.
Frumpy and stupid. Save you getting ready.
I'm serious. This is...
Look ! Daisy !
Daisy, Daisy, Daisy.
It's gonna be OK.
Now have a big toke on this South African drug spliff doobie.
I dunno.
Might make me paranoid.
(SIGHS) All right.
(GASPS)
# "PSYCHO" THEME
TICKS
You all right ?
Yuh.
# GROOVY MUSIC
Nearly didn't make it. I was followed by a squirrel. Saw it six or seven times.
Maybe they were different squirrels.
(LAUGHS AND SIGHS)
I like your shoes.
Patrick Cox's.
Oh, you borrowed them.
Small feet for a bloke.
(LAUGHS) Give Josh a big kiss for me. See you Saturday.
Daisy Steiner.
(Me.)
Hiya, Linda. Be with you in a minute. Love the shoes. Patrick Cox's ?
(Yes.)
Maybe you should try buying your own shoes in future.
Hello, Vulva.
Erm, come.
Hi.
Hello.
Yeah, hi, Vulva. Nice invitation.
Mm ? Oh, yeah, hi.
Vulva, hi. How are you ?
How... How are you ? How are you ? How... are... you ?
Brian, painter. Damien, Damien,...
Damien Hirst. Hi.
Vulva, I'm talking to Damien.
Is it water with sheep in the box ?
I paint.
Work with... paint.
I do big... big... big...
Fucking loser.
Big loser.
Brian, painter, loser.
Big FUCKING... loser !
Take a seat.
HEARTBEAT
(ECHOING) Daisy, is it ?
Ahh. Like a little flower.
(EXAGGERATED LAUGH)
I'm Yolanda. Tracey, our stylist, and Catherine, head of marketing.
You've met Sarah. She's admin.
You'd work with Michelle and Tara who aren't here.
They're working on our first edition. That's out by the end of the month.
We've already started our launch campaign. Have you seen it ?
I'm sorry ?
Have you seen the launch campaign ?
Our magazine reflects the needs of today's women.
We want it big, hard and now.
'Should have bought Huge Fat Cocks.'
We need to know if you feel you could honestly reflect the needs of our demographic.
The 20- to 40-year-old woman who doesn't say no, who sees her home...
# "MAGIC ROUNDABOUT" THEME
Spunk !
We don't want you to pigeonhole yourself but are you a postfeminist ?
Um... Do you drink pints or shots ?
Well, I do drink a pint. I will drink a pint but I have been known to drink a vodka and tonic,...
..you know, at a wedding.
Well, thanks for coming.
It's been really useful.
(OK.)
(SIGHS) (Right, well.)
Girl power !
Don't write me off, Vulva.
I can be...
conceptual.
LAUGHING: I'm sorry, Brian.
Please.
It's your work. Abstract expressionism. So mid-to-late-'80s.
LAUGHTER
'There's no need to stay longer than necessary.
'Let's split up, look for any survivors, get outta here.'
SHE SIGHS
HEY!
How'd it go?
Yeah, great. Went well. Anyone phone?
Er, your boyfriend.
Anyone important?
No.
EXAGGERATED SIGH
You know when you said it went well?
When you said "well", did you mean shite?
I froze up. I just made a tit of myself.
How much of a tit?
I said, "Girl power".
Did you do this?
I mean, you know, you might have impressed them.
How?
Tim? I'm thinking.
Oh, shit. Shitting, shit it !
Don't be so dramatic. You don't know you haven't got it. They might phone.
PHONE RINGS
Well, pick it up, then.
Oh, hi, Mike. Yeah, I'll get him.
It's your boyfriend. He's not my boyfriend.
Hi, babe.
Timmy? I'm in Sheffield.
Why? Fell asleep on the tube.
The tube doesn't go to Sheffield.
I must have changed at King's Cross.
Don't fall asleep on the way back.
'Mike?'
Mike?
What is it with you two?
You sound like his dad sometimes.
Well, it's a long story.
GENTLE MUSIC
Brian?
No, he's the weirdo downstairs.
Oh, sorry, Brian. Yeah, come up.
OK, bye.
Brian's coming up.
Why did he phone? Dunno. Why'd he paint his arse blue?
You don't like him. I do. He's just a bit pretentious.
How do I look? A bit pretentious?
You look lovely.
Should I lose the waistcoat?
You should burn it, cos if you lose it, you might find it again.
Going out, Bri?
He's seeing his transexual ex-boy/girlfriend's play.
That sounds great.
We'll come, won't we, Tim?
Not my cup of tea. No, it isn't.
It'll be great.
You'll hate it. Art. Wankers, influential people.
Free booze, though. Mm, yeah.
Let's go to the theatre.
You won't get in.
We've only got one invitation.
That's OK. No...
Go on. There's not many here.
They haven't got tickets. I've told you. You can go in.
It's ridiculous. They're not invited
Look, leave it, Brian. Let's go in.
We're not going to embarrass you. We're here if you need us.
Sorry. Sorry.
BOTH: Shit.
What're you doing here? We're with Brian.
So, how is it going with the flat?
It's fine.
Sorry. You come here for a big night out
and your landlady's spying on ya.
Hello, Brian. Haven't see you for a long while.
Been painting.
You've just been avoiding me, haven't you?
BELL RINGS Show's starting. I'll...
BURST OF MUSIC
Ssh.
Macro.
Biotic.
Dust me clean.
Breath?
Liza!
Using...a cleaning spray.
Knee. A-jerk !
Suck it in.
Filter it out. Go on.
METAL MUSIC AND WEEPING
'Beautiful. Beautiful.'
'I cannot believe I said "Girl power".'
'Hey, deadhead, take a bite o' peach'
GUN COCKS AND FIRES
HE SCREAMS
Hearing...
aids.
HIGHPITCHED GASP
SCATTERED APPLAUSE
It's not finished.
It's finished.
Do you mind if I put my glass there?
It's a free country.
I thought you were brilliant.
And who are you, then?
Daisy Steiner. Writer, journalist.
Do you know any famous people?
Mum's cousin went to school with Enya.
She was in the year above, but they had the same percussion teacher
I hate your mum and I hate you.
That's brilliant. Brilliant.
Vulva, hi.
Brian, you came.
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
Are you still painting?
Not exclusively. I'm moving into multimedia pastures.
A platter of organic processes
mixed with a pinch of irony and a side helping of self-deprecation.
Sounds delicious.
You should see the pudding.
DISAPPOINTED: Oh, Brian, you came.
No, I just spilt my drink.
So nice to see you(!)
Not... Multimedia... Platters... Irony and self-deprecation.
Sounds a little hard to swallow.
There's pudding.
Pu-dding! I always loved your quirkiness.
You must see I've moved on.
My projects with Hoover are the most incisive and effective I've done.
I can't believe the shit I used to do with you.
That's the difference between you and me.
I could see into the distance.
You, it has to be said, were always short-sighted.
There's a postmortem at the Squid And Mashed Potato.
SLOWING: I suppose you could tag along.
You make your mind up and maybe I'll see you later.
Music: Theme from Psycho
VULVA SCREAMS
There's no need to stay longer than necessary.
Look for survivors and get out of here.
I'm writing a novel, poetry, children's book.
And doing a skydiving course.
Piss off!
Come on. What are you doing?
Saving us. It's Hoover.
Bye.
Bye, then.
I'll see you later.
HE SNORES
So beautiful.
Yeah.
Like a kind of visual poetry.
Wish I could do that.
Sure you could if you had funding.
Right hook. Bang.
What?
Should have done it long ago.
In his drunken, childish way, Tim saved me.
I talk about expression. I talk about the truth.
But what truer expression is there than the purity of a clenched fist?
I am a man, Daisy.
A man.
Vulva treated me like a monkey!
I'm more than that. I am a man.
A monkey man.
A beast with a mind, a mind and fists.
And I will not be subdued again. Not by Vulva, NOT BY ANYONE!
Hey, fella.
TIM GRUNTS ANGRILY
BRIAN WHIMPERS
COCK CROWS
DOOR SLAMS
Morning, Slugger. Any letters?
HE GROANS
Uh.
How do you feel?
Like I'm gonna die. Me, too.
What happened last night?
We saw an interesting play,
drank a large amount of wine, ate our weight in Twiglets...
and you punched an artist in the face.
Shit.
I'm not supposed to eat Twiglets.
Why not? They make me violent.
It's from the magazine.
Maybe they did like me and my kookiness.
I'd be the cute one. The ditzy one who gets it wrong. The office clown.
I'll be "Yolanda, lost the file!" and she'll be "That's all right."
"We just like having you here.
"You're wild, an asset to the office dynamic."
It's a no.
Oh, never mind. What do they know? Nothing. They're just jealous.
Of what? Your tits.
It's not about my tits any more, Tim. I wish it were.
You used to get a job wearing a short skirt and showing cleavage.
I have to prove my intellectual worth.
I have to be something. I just don't know what.
I feel like a rabbit, trapped on a road to nowhere,
FROZEN in the headlights of the 21st century.
Will you stop being so dramatic?
Why do you make a performance out of everything?
Yeah!
MUSIC: Theme from The Magic Roundabout
Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit!
Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit!
Ooh, like a little flower.
Thank you for coming, it's been very useful(!)
Been very useful!
Rabbit, rabbit...
(It's not as easy as it looks, is it?)
Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit...