WARNING: VERY strong language and sexual scenes from the start.
His dad had a stroke. He's paralysed. He might die.
Good.
Could you sign this ? It states you won't make a claim for inheritance.
There you go. Thanks, Mum.
We're celebrating. We've just got engaged. Pass the word round.
Wedding fever.
Clever little bastard.
I bet you he gets that job, not me. If he gets married, he'll be promoted.
At 14, hormones all over, you'd have shagged a letter box. But not him ?
Nope. You've got to fancy him.
# "Spanish Eyes"
Love can fuck off.
If you fancy him...
..there's blood, there's a hard-on. If you just love him, no blood.
# SONG CONTINUES
Phil used to say you were saving me for your old age.
So the day I shag you, I'm old.
I'd better warn you.
I'm on this medication.
I'm taking these pills.
What for ?
Me stomach.
That's all right.
Ah ! Oh !
But the thing is,...
..these pills,... ah, God !
They sort of...
(BOTH PANT)
..they do things to me.
They make me spunk... ah, ah, they make me spunks...
..me spunks... ah... ah !
Orange. (LAUGHS)
I'll just go get my brush, I had garlic bread.
Shall I go through ?
Oh, living room on the left, bedroom on the right.
Don't be long.
(RETCHES)
(SPITS)
You all right ?
Oh, fine, thanks.
Can't stand toothbrushes. Sorry.
Aaagh ! Horrible things ! (SPITS)
Oh, my God ! Is that the time ?
< (RETCHES)
(I'd better go.)
(One more minute.)
Really, I'd better go.
Oh, come on.
HORN
It's three in the morning and the whole street wakes up.
Is that it ?
It was so loud !
That's the punch line ?
That's pathetic.
All these people looking out and I'm snogging this bloke !
That's not a story.
He gets toothbrush man. I get a man with spunk like a Teletubby.
You haven't even started yet.
So young.
D'you think I should phone him ? Or wait for him to phone me first ?
Well, how the fuck should I know ?
He's never phoned anyone.
But you know how it works.
Problem page: "Dear Stuart..."
Shut up.
Wise old man, that's you.
You're so not funny.
Look, he's pissed off.
He's really pissed off. Now that's funny. >
See his face ! (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS) >
Me, too.
Good luck, then.
And you. May the best man (LAUGHS) and all that.
And he told Mrs Fletcher in passing.
In passing my left leg. He's fighting dirty.
I don't care. I'll get that job.
If you knew the colour it'd help.
It has the Virgin Mary on the dashboard.
If Vince finds out he'll murder you.
We need this promotion more than him
If you spend more on rent and less on rent boys - that's the one !
Oh, bless the Catholic boy.
Are you ready ?
BEEPING
Graham, it's your car, the alarm's gone off.
BEEPING CONTINUES
Steady now.
D'you get it ?
Bugger !
What happened ? >
Don't know. >
He's doing it again. Give it here ! Useless.
BEEPS
Yes !
If this doesn't work, leg it.
BEEPS
Oh !
Nice work.
Thank you.
Stage two.
There's nothing here about websites.
Exactly. If they upgraded their media they could whip Tesco's.
I just need two minutes.
The hypermarket division at 70%...
Trolleys left, right and centre.
If we'd crashed... there could've been children.
I can only apologise, Mrs...
Peel.
I'll have a word with the staff.
Thank you for alerting me to the problem.
I'm not taking it any further but my husband's very upset. Aren't you?
Oh, aye.
Magda wants the porn back. She's having a party.
You both did well.
But there's only one job, it's a shame you can't both succeed.
Absolutely.
Yeah. I'd better, um...
(Go on, then. Well ?)
Ha !
He's got it !
(GIRLS SHOUT)
Ho-ho !
In five years you'll be manager, how boring is that ?
Oi !
We should celebrate.
Nathan, have you done a threesome ?
No. I got asked but they were both ugly.
D'you fancy giving it a go ?
Yeah.
Right, then, off we go. Us three.
In your dreams.
You'd do it, Nathan, right ? It'd be education.
Don't mind. I'm up for anything.
Perfect threesome.
I'd rather have a wank.
You, me and Nathan.
(LAUGHS) It'd be brilliant.
I'd go for it, yeah.
That's the problem with Vince.
He doesn't want sex. He wants a wife !
(LAUGHS)
Ha ha. Whoever ends up with me is a very lucky man.
God help him.
(LAUGHS)
What's all this in aid of ?
You're not exactly a good catch.
I suppose you are ?
Well, no-one's going to catch me. (LAUGHS)
So, how many men have you had ?
About seven. >
I must have had two thousand and seven.
That means I've got two thousand to go.
How many have you got left ?
(SNIGGERS)
BELL
Nathan ! Is it your birthday ?
What if it is ?
Having a party ?
It's none of your business.
With all your queer friends ?
That's where he goes. Queer street.
He's been watching us in the gym. He's been tossing himself off.
I'd sooner toss myself off a cliff.
You want some of this ? Go on, suck me off.
He's got a stiffy ! >
You'd know all about that.
He fancies me. Sir, Nathan fancies me. Tell him !
He's a queer, sir.
Keeps on looking, he fancies us. >
Bet he's got lipstick in his handbag
Piss off !
Nathan, enough of that language.
Me ? What about them ?
I said that's enough.
Faggot.
Queer.
Be fair, he sent you a card. He never remembers my birthday.
All I get is a card. He's my father.
I'll call him tomorrow. He might have put some money in your account.
Bet he hasn't.
Hiya !
Happy birthday !
That's from both of us.
If anyone asks, I'm 18. If they find out I'm 16 they'll chuck us out
Wouldn't be Nathan's night without someone having to lie.
Look, there's food. I'm starving, c'mon.
You don't have to stand here all night.
Amaretto. This'll put us in the mood
I found it in my clothes.
You lot enjoy yourselves. I'll be baby-sitting.
Bring Alfred. It's a kids' party.
Yeah, Pass The Parcel at Via Fossa. Good for your packages.
Want one ?
I'm not drinking.
Let's not go. Take him back to the lesbians and we can go to Poptastic.
DOORBELL
That's for me.
Listen to Vince taking charge - deputy manager !
He's power mad.
It's a boring job.
Somebody call an ambulance ?
I had a Chunky KitKat. I guess that doesn't count.
You walking all right ?
Yeah, it's nothing. Let's go.
What're you doing ?
I'm a twat, I'm sorry. I'll be fine.
You coming with him ? >
What's this for ?
I'm OK. Sod off, go to the party. I'm sorry.
He's done it again.
You twat !
I know.
You coming or not ?
Like I got a choice.
Stupid fucking cunt.
(CRIES)
Where're we going ?
Let's tell his mother the good news.
Hiya ! I'm here.
Hello, Bernie.
Sorry about that, the others got held up. My fault.
Oh, Alexander got called in to work.
Couldn't wrap it but happy birthday.
Thanks. Was Stuart there ?
Think so. Any money behind the bar ?
Yeah, say you're with Nathan's party but only wines and beers.
I've got a watch.
Hiya !
Who's that ?
Stuart's secretary.
Sent his secretary, that's nice of him.
He might appear by satellite link !
Hi ! Is Stuart coming ?
I don't know. If it doesn't involve his dry cleaning he tells me "Sod off".
But d'you think he's coming ?
Not if he's found something better.
You don't even like him.
Don't.
Let's go home.
Come with me.
Does she deserve it ?
You'll make it worse.
Does she deserve it ?
You can't.
Watch me.
Yeah. You'd like that.
I've spent years watching you.
Coward.
Coward ! >
I've got a message from your son. >
I'd appreciate it if you didn't come to my house.
< We have nothing to say to each other.
Just one thing.
Bang.
# GERI HALLIWELL: Mi Chico Latino
Vince ! Don't tell me. Stuart hasn't bothered.
No. Yes. He's upstairs.
Um, he's gone out. He's coming back.
But he was here just now.
Yeah, I bet. Jimmy !
Party face on.
# When the river rhythm starts to play
# Dance with me, make me sway... #
You're late. Got me a present ?
No.
Get me a mobile phone if you want.
# When the river rhythm starts to play
# Dance with me, make me sway...
Bang !
Oh, shit.
Come back to mine.
(SIGHS)
I'm staying with Mum.
Both come, both come back.
She deserved it.
I know. But tell her to fuck off. You're always telling me to fuck off.
It's not enough any more.
It is. You can't go and...
People are relying on me, Mum and that house...
I pay the mortgage every other month, that lot don't earn tuppence.
You're on your own.
Suits me. You're just straight.
You're a straight man who fucks men, that's all.
CROWD TALKING
Sorry.
Abotts ?
Here. >
Baxter ?
< Here.
Collins ?
Here. >
Davis ?
Here.
Thank you, Nathan, what time d'you call this ?
One minute past nine, sir. Why ?
You're late, that's why.
How was the party ? Did you get it shoved up your arse ?
LAUGHTER
Party full of queers. Makes me sick.
Settle down. Edgar ?
< Here.
Fraser ?
Here. >
Hobbs ?
< Here.
Johnson ?
< Here.
Jones ?
Here. >
Maloney ?
Queer.
MURMURING
I beg your pardon ?
I said queer.
I'm aware of that. >
Oh, that's a miracle.
Cos they say it and you don't hear it.
I don't like the tone of your voice.
I don't like yours.
If you want to make something out of this, sir, it's fine with me.
Send me to the headmaster. I'd love it.
There's plenty I can tell him. I can get my mother in, she'd love to meet you, sir.
Go on. Take it further.
McVetty ?
< Here.
Mullen ?
Here. >
Nichols ?
< Here.
CLATTERS
They were just kids.
They were running away.
Mrs Perry never saw any kids.
Sweethearts, I can't boil an egg. How the fuck do you blow up a car ?
So it was a coincidence, you being there ?
You should see my Jeep. I'll sue Mrs Perry for damages.
She's not keen on pressing charges.
There are some family things she'd rather not talk about.
Oh, get her !
But it's not her decision. We won't let it drop.
I'd better give you my cards.
It's got my mobile number. I'm not going to be around here very long.
Time for a change of scene.
Anywhere in particular ?
I'm moving to London. The clubs are fab.
I've got that project in Brixton, I'm there all the time.
He'll enjoy it. We'll manage.
What's brought all this about ?
Big fish in a small pond.
It's so small. I'm friends with a 16-year-old boy.
It's time to leave.
Vince could get transferred. He could afford London.
He'd just hold me back. Standing there disapproving.
And you love it.
I've got things I want to do.
He's just, he's not good enough.
You've argued again ! You're like a married couple.
Except we're not shagging.
That's a married couple.
Another reason to go.
I bet he moves to London. What's he said ?
Go on, what's he said ?
You haven't even told him !
LOUD LAUGHTER
And he says "I'm not, I work in the tuck shop".
(LAUGHS)
Listen, George went to hospital.
Not this one, give up !
# S-CLUB 7: Bring It All Back
Evening.
Two gin and tonics, please.
You going out clubbing ?
Why do you want to know ?
Keeping tabs on my son. If you're going out clubbing, so is Nathan.
His master's voice.
Don't know what he sees in you.
Yeah, you do.
It's not what I'd call a hairstyle. As for the walk...
Thank you.
Suppose I'd better get used to it.
Once Nathan thought you were boyfriend material. Now you're God.
What am I supposed to do ? Leave ?
Don't you dare, he'll only follow. He's done enough running away.
Thanks for the drinks.
Pleasure.
Never did give you that present.
I'll have a mobile phone.
Hm. I can do better than that.
(BOTH PANT)
16 ?
Shut up.
Oh, don't. Don't.
Oh, fuck.
(PANTS)
(I'm sorry.)
It's OK.
D'you want me to finish you off ?
No, it's all right.
Anyway, the night's still young.
I'm really sorry.
# DANCE MUSIC
Nathan, I'm off. If you need a lift give me a ring.
Might go to Dante's.
Of course, with Stuart.
Don't know. It's embarrassing being seen with him all the time.
Up close, he looks dead old.
He'd kill you for saying that.
He wouldn't have the strength.
Right. Dante's, quick visit ?
I've not copped off for five weeks, ever since I got contact lenses !
Coming ?
Yeah, all right. Might as well.
Be bad.
What am I ? A charity ?
Me and Vince were going out one night and we took a tenner out of your purse.
Cheeky sods.
Hang on, when were you last short of a tenner ?
# I've Got The Key
The twat's wearing cheesecloth. Cheesecloth's back.
It never went away, it disguised itself as linen.
Steven Pollard !
He tried to snog me last Mardi Gras. See ya !
I should go.
Big meeting tomorrow.
I'm up early. Got to go to London.
He's in. I hate seeing him.
First time here he was a kid, then he got muscles, then he went mad
He's been with that bloke five years. Never said a word.
We nod.
I've had him.
You've had 'em all.
I've been here far too long.
Telling me.
Oh, God, they're all in !
There's Colin ! I had him that last night at Flesh.
(LAUGHS) Oh, God ! I had that suit !
I liked that suit. You looked good.
Didn't half want to shag you.
Long time ago.
I should go.
But then again, one last fling...
Good luck. Not that you'll need it.
(VINCE LAUGHS LOUDLY)
D'you remember his little friend ? That girl ?
Yeah.
He didn't need her in the end. His best friend, he didn't need her.
Clever boy.
I'm off.
London calling.
London ?
Yeah.
Been here far too long.
Still, we've had a laugh.
And the rest.
See you, then.
Not if I see you first.
# I've got the key
# I've got the secret
# I've got the key to another way
# I've got the key... #
Fat Daniel said he's back in town.
Hypothermia my arse.
I don't think he's even got a mother
Oh, this tea tastes like fish.
Who's on GMTV ?
Kriss Akabusi.
If I had a pound for every time that man laughed...
I preferred it when it was TV AM.
Wincey Willis. Wonder what happened to her ?
Oh, Treasure Hunt ! Anneka Rice.
Hello, Stuart Jones's office.
"It's Hazel."
Oh, I'll have to stop saying that. It's not his office any more.
Tell Vince to keep in touch. I bet he's going to miss him. It's like a morgue here.
Miss who ?
Stuart.
Sell it.
Did you read the memo Wasting Company Time On Mobile Phones ?
Sorry.
"This is Vince, I can't take a call now, leave a message."
PHONE RINGS
Yes ?
I need to speak to Vincent Tyler.
"He's in a meeting."
It's urgent. Could you tell him it's his mother ?
Mrs Tyler ?
"Yes."
The famous Mrs Tyler.
Mrs Tyler, were you in this store on the 14th ?
Whoever you are, I must speak to Vince.
Did you meet Mrs Fletcher, the head of personnel ?
I'd like to know what happened that day.
Bernie !
Let me get me trousers on !
Who's looking ?
Fly my pretties, fly !
Sorry, it's compulsory.
Supervisor delicatessen becomes front-line manager delicatessen.
Assistant supervisors become assistant front-line managers.
(COUGHS)
Right, I know it's a pain but there's a good reason.
All the front-line managers and assistant front-line managers...
..can get six weeks a year in administration.
So you can choose six weeks in one block, two blocks of three or three blocks of two.
Nathan !
< Telephone - says it's urgent.
Who is it ?
Call yourself a gay man ?! You're missing a palaver, you knob !
We'll still do individual product promotion, the IPP scheme,...
..but now you're responsible for finding your own individual product.
And we need your name and chosen product...
..so that goes to the front-line manager...
..by Thursday.
(GASPS) Right, er,... Oh, I've said that already.
Chosen product to line-manager.
If we could finish, we've got a store to run. Thank you.
Sorry.
It's Mrs Peel, isn't it ?
I think you'll find it's Mrs Tyler.
Tyler-Peel, we're from Cheshire.
It's my mother.
It's an emergency, I need a word with Vince.
You met this woman on the 14th.
Sit down.
The day of the job interview.
Stuart's leaving !
I know, I'm not stupid.
He's going to London !
It's about time he did ! Leave it.
Vince, I'd like a word.
I insist. Something happened. I demand you talk to this creature.
Oi ! That's my mother.
That's your problem.
Graham, as a friend of mine is very fond of saying - fuck off.
Oh ! That's nice. That's how the deputy manager reacts ! >
What an example - fine family, all of 'em ! >
You know what ?
He's right. "Fuck off" isn't enough.
Marcie.
Yes, sir ?
The floor's yours and the subject is Christmas '99.
Thank you, Mr Chairman.
If Graham Beck is so keen on the truth...
..why not tell his fiancee that Christmas '99 he shagged me in refrigeration.
I knew it !
It felt like refrigeration.
I did not.
Small dick ?
That's him. You bastard.
LAUGHING AND SHOUTING
Bang.
Vince, where d'you think you're going?
London. Oh, my God, I'm going to London ! See you.
Out the way, I'm driving ! You're too bloody slow.
You haven't passed your test.
That's why I'm not slow !
< Oi !
Excess baggage !
# KAZOOS: Colonel Bogey
Come on ! What's going on ?
You'll have to go back.
There's nothing I can do about it. Just take it easy.
Back up ! Back up !
? I can't !
Who the fuck invented the kazoo ?
Sixteen years, you two.
Nathan Maloney was just being born.
(SIGHS)
Remind me again, who was it taught you to drive ?
Stuart Alan Jones, my 40th birthday.
How much did you learn ?
I learned the lot.
HORN BLARES
SCREAMING
He's not gay (!) (LAUGHS)
SIRENS
HORNS BLARING
I've got to go. I've really got to go
No-one's going anywhere, now calm down.
I was driving, he was telling me to stop !
Listen, don't add resisting arrest, OK ?
What are they saying back at base ?
Never mind him, look after yourself.
Well, if I'm gonna be carted off it might as well be worth it.
How's that ?
(GROANS) Bloody hell !
Run, you daft bastard !
Nice try. You're not coming.
I'll do what I like.
You'll not. It'd be you and me - an old married couple.
Not a shag in sight.
I'm not settling down. Ever. >
London, though ? London's rubbish. Kids go to London.
Where else is there ?
I'd go out. Straight ahead and out.
Keep moving. You can't settle down if you don't stop.
I've thought about this for years - press the button, dematerialise, step out, new planet.
Says the supermarket boy.
I'm on the run from the police.
(LAUGHS)
Don't be so camp.
Watch it.
All those dependents.
< They'll survive.
And I won't ?
You might not.
No passengers, Vince. You let me down, I'll kill you.
Not if I kill you first.
So what we waiting for ?
< Happy birthday.
What are you doing ?
We're off.
Off where ? >
Where d'you think, young fellow ? Into the headlines !
You never know you might finally get that shag.
Give up ! Stop chasing me.
You're coming back, though ?
Come back to this ? The ghetto ?
Alleyways stinking of piss, beggars in every doorway,...
..straights and students coming to look at the freak show.
All the idiots saving their stupid money from their stupid jobs to shoot their load with a stranger.
Just you look after it. This stupid street is the middle of the world.
On a street like this every single night anyone can meet anyone and someone meets someone.
It's all yours now.
All of them. All the puffs, all the dykes and all the people in between.
And this lot, they'll shag you,...
..they'll rob you, some of them might even love you.
But they'll forget you in the end. Stick with your friends, you'll be fine.
You fuck it up and I'll come back.
(LAUGHS)
Oh,... my... God !
# COUNTRY AND WESTERN DANCE MUSIC
Faggots.
Excuse me ?
What did you say ?
You heard me.
Cos I'd better warn you, my friend has a hell of a temper.
Once he's off...
So, what did you say ?
I said...
..faggots.
What do you think ?
Blood.
Hold on a tick.
Bit deaf, mate ! Too much clubbing.
So, one more time, what did you say ?
Uh,...
..nothing.
One more word beginning with S. >
Sorry.
Maybe next time.
Fuck off.
Intelfax Subtitles ARA SHAH AND RICHARD ATHERTON