1
00:00:01,151 --> 00:00:04,728
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,747 --> 00:00:07,822
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,916 --> 00:00:11,752
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,846 --> 00:00:14,329
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,406 --> 00:00:18,017
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,168 --> 00:00:21,336
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:23,022
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,173 --> 00:00:25,507
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:30,237
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy. ♪
10
00:00:31,090 --> 00:00:33,032
♪ ♪
11
00:00:34,093 --> 00:00:37,202
ANNOUNCER:
We now return to Lassie,
starring Vin Diesel.
12
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:38,945
What is it, Lassie?
13
00:00:39,098 --> 00:00:41,206
(Vin Diesel mumbling)
14
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,267
There's a fire down
at the old church?
15
00:00:43,435 --> 00:00:45,102
(mumbling)
16
00:00:45,271 --> 00:00:47,713
And The Rock won't return
your texts or phone calls?
17
00:00:47,940 --> 00:00:50,198
(mumbling)
18
00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:51,942
He totally blew you off
backstage
19
00:00:52,035 --> 00:00:53,293
at the Kids' Choice Awards?
20
00:00:53,370 --> 00:00:55,112
Was he hosting
or just presenting?
21
00:00:55,205 --> 00:00:57,389
-(mumbling)
-Oh, well, that's why.
22
00:00:57,541 --> 00:01:01,393
Hey, fellas, three more beers
and a Johnnie Wheeler?
23
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:04,454
Yep.
24
00:01:04,473 --> 00:01:07,140
Man, I love drinking
on a Saturday morning.
25
00:01:07,293 --> 00:01:09,810
Thank God I figured out
how to sneak out of my house.
26
00:01:09,962 --> 00:01:11,386
Has anyone seen your father?
27
00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:13,463
I swear he was just here
a minute ago.
28
00:01:13,482 --> 00:01:14,889
(bell dings)
29
00:01:14,983 --> 00:01:16,575
(sizzling)
30
00:01:17,636 --> 00:01:19,469
-Hi, Dad.
-I'm a waffle.
31
00:01:19,488 --> 00:01:21,413
Peter, you're not going
to The Clam, are you?
32
00:01:21,565 --> 00:01:22,564
PETER:
Waffle!
33
00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,083
Now prepare yourselves
34
00:01:24,234 --> 00:01:26,810
'cause the sun is never brighter
than when you're day-drinking.
35
00:01:26,829 --> 00:01:28,736
Oh, I think I can handle...
36
00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:29,830
ALL:
Aah!
37
00:01:29,998 --> 00:01:32,299
I'm sorry for reading
people's mail.
38
00:01:34,153 --> 00:01:36,578
Look, one of them scooters
you see everywhere
39
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,079
what runs by a app.
40
00:01:38,173 --> 00:01:43,102
Boy, if this is what we get,
imagine what the military has.
41
00:01:43,253 --> 00:01:44,177
What?
42
00:01:44,330 --> 00:01:45,771
It's a perfectly
reasonable comment.
43
00:01:45,922 --> 00:01:49,015
You know, the military had
the Internet way before we did.
44
00:01:49,168 --> 00:01:51,852
GPS, drones, you name it.
Look around, guys.
45
00:01:52,004 --> 00:01:54,596
It's an amazing time
to be alive.
46
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:56,673
♪ ♪
47
00:01:56,766 --> 00:01:59,785
♪ Wonders ♪
48
00:01:59,936 --> 00:02:04,514
♪ We're surrounded by wonders ♪
49
00:02:05,442 --> 00:02:10,945
♪ That phone in your pocket
could power a rocket ♪
50
00:02:11,039 --> 00:02:16,376
♪ But what does
the military have? ♪
51
00:02:16,528 --> 00:02:18,470
Joe's song made me
kind of want to try it.
52
00:02:18,622 --> 00:02:21,698
All right, now to scan
this simple code
53
00:02:21,867 --> 00:02:24,701
like every
middle-aged white guy.
54
00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:28,981
It's not... I can't...
I'm doing exactly what it said.
55
00:02:29,057 --> 00:02:31,391
I-I...
Do I take a picture, or...?
56
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:34,135
Is there an actual person
I can talk to?
57
00:02:34,155 --> 00:02:35,395
-'Cause it's not working.
-(scooter beeps)
58
00:02:35,547 --> 00:02:37,305
Oh, okay. No, wait,
now it's doing something.
59
00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:40,159
-(chuckles)
Computers, am I right?
-No, you're not.
60
00:02:41,904 --> 00:02:44,329
-"Push off."
-(strained) You're choking me.
61
00:02:44,556 --> 00:02:45,831
(whooping)
62
00:02:46,058 --> 00:02:50,294
♪ Holiday road ♪
63
00:02:51,154 --> 00:02:55,465
♪ Holiday road ♪
64
00:02:56,251 --> 00:03:00,070
♪ Holiday road. ♪
65
00:03:00,088 --> 00:03:02,255
Peter, where are we going?
66
00:03:02,408 --> 00:03:04,165
PETER: Relax.
It's our nation's capital.
67
00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:05,258
I'm just a fan of history.
68
00:03:05,411 --> 00:03:07,853
Peter, what are you up to?
69
00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:10,096
What? I just love
our government.
70
00:03:10,249 --> 00:03:12,107
Or at least I used to.
71
00:03:14,753 --> 00:03:16,028
Hey, Cleveland, wake up.
72
00:03:16,179 --> 00:03:17,604
No, don't wake him.
Don't wake him.
73
00:03:17,756 --> 00:03:19,272
I don't think he wants
to be reminded.
74
00:03:19,425 --> 00:03:21,617
(The Cleveland Show
theme song plays)
75
00:03:24,279 --> 00:03:26,705
All those in favor
of a giant key ring
76
00:03:26,932 --> 00:03:29,433
for our jail cell, say "aye."
77
00:03:29,451 --> 00:03:31,601
Mayor West, four citizens
have gone missing.
78
00:03:31,695 --> 00:03:34,104
They were last seen heading
south on a Bird scooter.
79
00:03:34,197 --> 00:03:35,956
Saddle my horse.
80
00:03:36,108 --> 00:03:38,533
♪ ♪
81
00:03:39,703 --> 00:03:43,055
As mayor, I reckon it's my duty
to round up the strays
82
00:03:43,206 --> 00:03:44,723
and bring 'em back to safety.
83
00:03:44,874 --> 00:03:47,226
-He-yaw!
-(clears throat)
84
00:03:47,377 --> 00:03:50,637
-Oops, sorry. They-yaw!
-(neighs)
85
00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:52,472
-Thank you.
-(cheering)
86
00:03:52,641 --> 00:03:57,677
♪ Holiday road ♪
87
00:03:57,738 --> 00:04:01,631
♪ Holiday road. ♪
88
00:04:01,766 --> 00:04:03,483
All right, I've been driving
for 18 hours.
89
00:04:03,635 --> 00:04:05,151
Someone else take the wheel--
aah!
90
00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:07,246
-Loose opioid!
-(wheels screeching)
91
00:04:07,397 --> 00:04:08,488
(all shout)
92
00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:10,540
♪ ♪
93
00:04:11,827 --> 00:04:14,002
Oh, crap. A alligator.
94
00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:18,906
Oh, hey. Would you consider
not eating us?
95
00:04:19,001 --> 00:04:21,167
Uh... yeah. Maybe.
96
00:04:21,244 --> 00:04:24,245
-Oh, thank God.
-I think "maybe" means "no."
97
00:04:24,265 --> 00:04:26,823
He's just being polite.
He's gonna eat us.
98
00:04:26,842 --> 00:04:28,267
(growls)
99
00:04:28,494 --> 00:04:29,434
(all shout)
100
00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:32,604
(groans)
101
00:04:32,831 --> 00:04:34,106
(all cheering)
102
00:04:34,257 --> 00:04:35,590
WEST:
Well, look at that,
103
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:38,926
six summers at Lasso Camp
finally paid off.
104
00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:40,687
That's where you learned
to use the ropes?
105
00:04:40,839 --> 00:04:43,023
No, it was Ted Lasso Camp.
106
00:04:43,175 --> 00:04:45,117
That's where I learned
to be nice funny.
107
00:04:45,344 --> 00:04:48,178
Sometimes comedy is
building people up.
108
00:04:48,196 --> 00:04:50,697
I know, I know.
It's hard to change.
109
00:04:50,849 --> 00:04:53,000
♪ ♪
110
00:04:54,036 --> 00:04:56,211
(crowd cheering)
111
00:04:57,539 --> 00:05:01,133
Yep, we're back from space,
everyone. We did it.
112
00:05:01,209 --> 00:05:03,393
They know you weren't
in space, Peter.
113
00:05:03,453 --> 00:05:05,953
There are social media posts
of you crying
114
00:05:06,048 --> 00:05:07,864
'cause you couldn't
stop a scooter.
115
00:05:07,957 --> 00:05:09,308
But we're still glad
you're home.
116
00:05:10,293 --> 00:05:13,795
Boy, Mayor West is a hero,
always saving the day.
117
00:05:13,889 --> 00:05:15,463
One day, I want to be mayor.
118
00:05:15,557 --> 00:05:17,374
Well, Stewie,
it's a noble aspiration.
119
00:05:17,392 --> 00:05:19,467
A good start would be
learning about politics
120
00:05:19,561 --> 00:05:22,062
-and getting involved at school.
-Eh, I suppose so.
121
00:05:22,156 --> 00:05:24,898
DOUG:
A vote for Doug
is a vote for progress.
122
00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:26,900
Oh, hey, Stewie.
123
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:29,736
I had no idea I'd run
into the town square
124
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,312
in the Town Square.
125
00:05:31,332 --> 00:05:33,648
Are you gonna go down
the hot metal slide
126
00:05:33,742 --> 00:05:35,075
in shorts again?
127
00:05:35,243 --> 00:05:38,837
Yes, Doug, I made a mistake.
That's how you learn things.
128
00:05:39,064 --> 00:05:40,339
What are those flyers for?
129
00:05:40,566 --> 00:05:42,749
I'm running for preschool
snack captain.
130
00:05:42,901 --> 00:05:44,417
Throwing my diaper
into the ring.
131
00:05:44,570 --> 00:05:46,736
All the snack captain does
is wear a paper hat
132
00:05:46,755 --> 00:05:49,014
while the teacher passes out
Goldfish crackers.
133
00:05:49,165 --> 00:05:51,074
Sure, but you know
what they say.
134
00:05:51,093 --> 00:05:54,353
"Today, snack captain,
tomorrow, mayor."
135
00:05:54,504 --> 00:05:57,080
-Mayor?
-This is just a formality.
136
00:05:57,173 --> 00:05:59,006
My opponent Noah got
foot-in-mouth disease,
137
00:05:59,101 --> 00:06:00,917
so I'm running unopposed.
138
00:06:00,936 --> 00:06:03,678
I'd really have to put
my foot in my mouth to lose.
139
00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:07,032
FUAD:
Ho-ho.
Is funny because wordplay.
140
00:06:07,259 --> 00:06:10,351
Huh, I guess Fuad
still lives in Quahog.
141
00:06:10,371 --> 00:06:14,280
Brian, Stewie Griffin is now
running for snack captain.
142
00:06:14,357 --> 00:06:16,541
And I will defeat
that jerk Doug.
143
00:06:16,768 --> 00:06:20,212
Well, we got our fellas back,
and I reached my steps today.
144
00:06:20,363 --> 00:06:22,439
-What's that?
-Oh, it's a watch that tracks
145
00:06:22,457 --> 00:06:24,716
the number of steps
I take each day.
146
00:06:24,868 --> 00:06:26,276
Wow.
147
00:06:26,294 --> 00:06:28,628
♪ ♪
148
00:06:28,780 --> 00:06:31,223
♪ Wonders ♪
149
00:06:31,450 --> 00:06:37,044
♪ We're surrounded by wonders ♪
150
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:39,623
♪ Look around and be amazed ♪
151
00:06:39,625 --> 00:06:44,903
♪ That pad on your lap
could buy a shirt at the Gap ♪
152
00:06:45,054 --> 00:06:49,658
♪ But what does
the military have? ♪
153
00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:54,246
He was asking
too many questions.
154
00:07:00,069 --> 00:07:01,494
All right.
Listen, Rupert.
155
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:04,089
I'm running for snack captain,
and our lives are going to be
156
00:07:04,316 --> 00:07:06,833
under the microscope
more than they ever have before.
157
00:07:06,910 --> 00:07:10,320
So all I'm gonna say is,
I just want to applaud you again
158
00:07:10,338 --> 00:07:13,006
on your commitment to sobriety.
159
00:07:13,082 --> 00:07:14,824
What do you mean
"wine doesn't count"?
160
00:07:14,918 --> 00:07:16,342
Yes, rosé is wine.
161
00:07:16,495 --> 00:07:17,602
And I don't want
to hear the term
162
00:07:17,679 --> 00:07:19,938
"California sober"
come out of your mouth.
163
00:07:20,165 --> 00:07:21,498
Hey, Stewie.
164
00:07:21,516 --> 00:07:23,366
Brian, I want you to be
my campaign manager.
165
00:07:23,426 --> 00:07:24,943
Really?
What do I have to do?
166
00:07:25,094 --> 00:07:27,170
You'll be in charge of
setting up my war room
167
00:07:27,189 --> 00:07:29,764
-and situation room
and sex room.
-Sex room?
168
00:07:29,858 --> 00:07:32,451
(quietly): Shh, I can't let
Mr. Dramatic over there know.
169
00:07:32,602 --> 00:07:34,286
I don't know.
This is already weird.
170
00:07:34,362 --> 00:07:36,103
Please, Brian.
I need this.
171
00:07:36,198 --> 00:07:38,123
I need this the way
a shoe salesman needs
172
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:39,941
that foot-measuring device.
173
00:07:40,035 --> 00:07:42,294
I can say with absolute
scientific certainty
174
00:07:42,445 --> 00:07:43,945
that you're a 10 1/2.
175
00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:47,949
Now let me get you some shoes
that still may or may not fit.
176
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:49,551
♪ ♪
177
00:07:53,198 --> 00:07:55,198
Hey, Stewie,
a little birdie told me
178
00:07:55,217 --> 00:07:58,477
you've thrown your hat
into the snack captain ring.
179
00:07:58,628 --> 00:08:00,537
Actually it was a tweet.
180
00:08:00,630 --> 00:08:02,388
(chuckling)
181
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:07,152
I just want to say I hope
we can have a fair campaign
182
00:08:07,379 --> 00:08:10,989
and forget any past
tension between us.
183
00:08:11,140 --> 00:08:13,550
Consider them forgotten,
like La La Land,
184
00:08:13,568 --> 00:08:15,235
the most celebrated movie
ever made
185
00:08:15,311 --> 00:08:18,497
that suddenly no one remembers,
mentions, or cares about.
186
00:08:20,726 --> 00:08:23,226
(kids laughing)
187
00:08:23,228 --> 00:08:25,170
-Oh, he nailed you.
-I'm voting for Doug.
188
00:08:25,321 --> 00:08:27,154
I'm too young to deliver a joke.
189
00:08:27,249 --> 00:08:29,082
Well, looks like
the gloves are off.
190
00:08:29,234 --> 00:08:31,234
But I've taken on
bigger challenges.
191
00:08:31,327 --> 00:08:33,512
Like playing a game
of Paul Simon Says.
192
00:08:33,739 --> 00:08:35,739
Paul Simon says
Art Garfunkel is a loser.
193
00:08:35,832 --> 00:08:38,666
Oh, come on, Paul.
It's been 40 years. Let it go.
194
00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:40,334
Paul Simon says
I wrote all the songs.
195
00:08:40,428 --> 00:08:42,554
We know that.
No one is denying you credit.
196
00:08:42,630 --> 00:08:45,006
Paul Simon says five-two is the
cutoff for being really short,
197
00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:47,341
-not five-three.
-You know what? I'm bored.
198
00:08:47,361 --> 00:08:49,085
I'm gonna play
Simon Cowell Says.
199
00:08:49,178 --> 00:08:52,531
Simon Cowell says
men should wear low V-necks
200
00:08:52,758 --> 00:08:56,535
-and have breasts.
-Thank you for One Direction.
201
00:08:56,762 --> 00:08:58,328
♪ ♪
202
00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:04,100
-(keyboards clacking)
-(indistinct chatter)
203
00:09:04,119 --> 00:09:08,213
Stewie, our polls show that your
classmates see you as aloof.
204
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,774
We need a photo op
of you kissing a baby.
205
00:09:10,792 --> 00:09:12,125
All right, well,
make it a BOC.
206
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:14,627
-A what?
-A baby of color.
207
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,112
Stewie, what's going on?
208
00:09:16,205 --> 00:09:17,447
I thought I was
your campaign manager.
209
00:09:17,465 --> 00:09:20,041
I want you and Chris
to compete for my favor.
210
00:09:20,135 --> 00:09:21,801
I will reward absolute loyalty,
211
00:09:21,953 --> 00:09:23,544
even if you have to go
to prison for it.
212
00:09:23,622 --> 00:09:25,880
-And who are all these people?
-College Republicans.
213
00:09:25,974 --> 00:09:27,307
When they're not on Barstool
214
00:09:27,475 --> 00:09:30,460
or wearing boat shoes nowhere
near a boat, they're here.
215
00:09:30,478 --> 00:09:32,070
I've also scheduled
a whistle-stop tour
216
00:09:32,297 --> 00:09:33,220
of the playground.
217
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,555
You need to reach
the seesaw kids,
218
00:09:34,724 --> 00:09:37,300
the slide kids, and spend time
with the jungle gym kids
219
00:09:37,319 --> 00:09:38,726
so they know
they have your support.
220
00:09:38,895 --> 00:09:40,394
Ugh, okay,
but bring the Purell.
221
00:09:40,488 --> 00:09:44,065
I'll make a speech even greater
than Jeffrey Epstein's eulogy.
222
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,475
KEN HARRELSON:
He gone!
223
00:09:45,644 --> 00:09:48,420
-(applause and cheering)
-(air horns blowing)
224
00:09:48,571 --> 00:09:51,089
♪ ♪
225
00:09:55,487 --> 00:09:57,837
CHRIS:
Stewie, this debate
is make-or-break.
226
00:09:57,989 --> 00:09:59,264
I've been working
on a strong opening.
227
00:09:59,491 --> 00:10:01,324
Take control early,
get 'em on your side,
228
00:10:01,343 --> 00:10:02,842
and it's easier to
keep them there.
229
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,543
Stewie, would you like to begin?
230
00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:05,252
Thank you.
231
00:10:05,347 --> 00:10:06,438
My friends,
232
00:10:06,607 --> 00:10:09,332
this election is about
the future of snack time.
233
00:10:09,351 --> 00:10:12,944
I disagree.
This election is about you.
234
00:10:13,096 --> 00:10:14,428
(cheering)
235
00:10:14,522 --> 00:10:17,264
CHRIS:
Who is this guy? I love him.
236
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:20,693
And may I call your attention
to my opponent's actions
237
00:10:20,829 --> 00:10:22,787
during the attack
on The Capitol?
238
00:10:22,939 --> 00:10:25,606
Here is Stewie
waving to supporters
239
00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:27,959
safely behind barricades.
240
00:10:28,036 --> 00:10:30,444
And here he is with Josh Hawley,
241
00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:33,423
fleeing the riot
they helped stoke.
242
00:10:39,789 --> 00:10:41,306
(laughing)
243
00:10:41,416 --> 00:10:43,716
Wow, what a little bitch.
244
00:10:43,869 --> 00:10:46,019
(laughing)
245
00:10:46,963 --> 00:10:48,037
Uh-oh.
246
00:10:48,131 --> 00:10:49,814
Doug... are you okay?
247
00:10:49,966 --> 00:10:51,908
(grunting)
248
00:10:51,910 --> 00:10:55,636
My God, is Doug...
pooping his pants?
249
00:10:55,656 --> 00:10:56,637
(farts)
250
00:10:56,657 --> 00:10:58,214
ALL:
Ew!
251
00:10:58,216 --> 00:10:59,473
What a godsend.
252
00:10:59,642 --> 00:11:02,902
We'll call him Poopy-Doopy Doug.
He'll never shake it.
253
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:05,146
He surged in the polls?
254
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:07,666
It humanized him,
made him more relatable.
255
00:11:07,817 --> 00:11:09,668
Well, two can play at that game.
256
00:11:09,819 --> 00:11:11,961
(grunting)
257
00:11:14,991 --> 00:11:18,359
Global events conspired
to push us off the front page.
258
00:11:18,361 --> 00:11:20,178
♪ ♪
259
00:11:21,164 --> 00:11:25,074
Chris, the election's tomorrow.
It's do-or-die time.
260
00:11:25,126 --> 00:11:27,519
What the hell?
You work for Doug now?
261
00:11:27,670 --> 00:11:30,337
I'm sorry, Stewie.
Your campaign is a sinking ship.
262
00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:32,582
I need a winner.
I'm a professional.
263
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:35,418
You'd abandon your brother
like that?
264
00:11:35,420 --> 00:11:40,514
Sorry, but that's the way
things go on The Hill.
265
00:11:40,534 --> 00:11:42,992
♪ ♪
266
00:11:48,024 --> 00:11:50,600
What? Is that--
is that a thing?
267
00:11:50,618 --> 00:11:53,119
No. What you just saw
was a sizzle reel
268
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:56,272
that cost me $75,000
of my own money.
269
00:11:56,365 --> 00:11:58,458
Friends told me
not to use my own money.
270
00:11:58,552 --> 00:12:01,702
(chuckles) "What do they know?"
I told myself at the time.
271
00:12:01,722 --> 00:12:04,205
The network decided
not to move forward with it.
272
00:12:04,299 --> 00:12:06,207
But they said they still love
273
00:12:06,301 --> 00:12:08,634
being in the Chris Griffin
business.
274
00:12:08,729 --> 00:12:10,954
♪ ♪
275
00:12:10,972 --> 00:12:14,715
Brian, you're a loyal dog, and
you've got a belly rub coming.
276
00:12:14,735 --> 00:12:16,383
Maybe something a little more.
277
00:12:16,478 --> 00:12:18,695
But first we've got to find
dirt on Doug.
278
00:12:20,389 --> 00:12:21,814
All right, there's
his campaign headquarters.
279
00:12:21,967 --> 00:12:25,134
You stand lookout, and I'll
sneak inside looking for dirt.
280
00:12:25,153 --> 00:12:27,228
Stay focused.
Don't lick your balls.
281
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:30,290
God.
Wasn't gonna lick my balls.
282
00:12:31,826 --> 00:12:33,960
♪ ♪
283
00:12:43,171 --> 00:12:45,913
My God, Doug's got a file on me.
284
00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:48,658
"Stewie Griffin's Weaknesses."
285
00:12:48,676 --> 00:12:50,584
"Shapes"?
How dare he?
286
00:12:50,678 --> 00:12:54,013
And to think I let him into
my innermost rhombus of trust.
287
00:12:54,165 --> 00:12:56,608
It's hard to rectangle this
with the Doug I knew.
288
00:12:56,759 --> 00:12:57,942
(phone chimes)
289
00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:01,170
Okay, the Internet is not
enjoying the shape jokes.
290
00:13:01,189 --> 00:13:03,597
Wait, what do we have here?
291
00:13:03,766 --> 00:13:05,933
Doug still uses a pacifier?
292
00:13:06,027 --> 00:13:08,161
Oh, wait till the papers
hear about this.
293
00:13:10,273 --> 00:13:13,683
Damn it, get your act together
down there, you kooks.
294
00:13:13,701 --> 00:13:15,535
♪ ♪
295
00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:19,188
And that, my fellow classmates,
is how I discovered
296
00:13:19,357 --> 00:13:21,966
that Courteney Cox
bleaches her starfish.
297
00:13:22,118 --> 00:13:23,468
Anyway, got off
on a tangent there,
298
00:13:23,545 --> 00:13:25,528
but more germane
to this election,
299
00:13:25,547 --> 00:13:29,532
I have discovered that
my opponent still uses this!
300
00:13:29,551 --> 00:13:30,366
(gasping)
301
00:13:30,385 --> 00:13:31,534
Are you willing to vote
302
00:13:31,553 --> 00:13:34,312
for a representative
who literally sucks?
303
00:13:34,539 --> 00:13:35,872
I think not.
304
00:13:35,965 --> 00:13:38,132
Stewie Griffin
for snack captain.
305
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:39,559
Thank you, Stewie.
306
00:13:39,711 --> 00:13:41,152
Doug, final remarks?
307
00:13:41,229 --> 00:13:43,137
Ladies and gentlemen
of the preschool,
308
00:13:43,231 --> 00:13:46,549
we all know Stewie
has a brother and a sister.
309
00:13:46,642 --> 00:13:50,903
Have you ever wondered why they
are so much older than Stewie?
310
00:13:51,056 --> 00:13:51,996
Where is this going?
311
00:13:52,223 --> 00:13:54,833
Well, I have,
and I did some research.
312
00:13:55,060 --> 00:13:57,243
What I found confirms
the dark secret
313
00:13:57,395 --> 00:13:59,838
that I already suspected...
314
00:14:00,065 --> 00:14:02,565
Stewie Griffin
was a "whoops baby."
315
00:14:02,584 --> 00:14:04,658
What the devil
are you talking about?
316
00:14:04,678 --> 00:14:06,903
Stewie Griffin was a mistake!
317
00:14:06,996 --> 00:14:07,846
(gasping)
318
00:14:08,073 --> 00:14:09,572
-Oh, my God.
-A mistake?
319
00:14:09,665 --> 00:14:11,757
He's a big fat phony.
320
00:14:11,852 --> 00:14:13,576
Okay, I think I know
whose kid that is.
321
00:14:13,595 --> 00:14:16,837
That's impossible.
How could you know that?
322
00:14:16,931 --> 00:14:20,917
Oh, I had a very
reliable source.
323
00:14:20,935 --> 00:14:23,010
Tell me what you know.
324
00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:24,770
MEG'S VOICE:
Stewie's a mistake.
325
00:14:24,865 --> 00:14:27,014
How do you know this?
326
00:14:27,108 --> 00:14:30,076
Because I'm his brother.
327
00:14:36,951 --> 00:14:38,042
(exclaims)
328
00:14:38,194 --> 00:14:39,285
Hey, Stewie.
What's wrong?
329
00:14:39,437 --> 00:14:41,104
In an effort
to win the election,
330
00:14:41,122 --> 00:14:42,714
Doug has stooped to
the most preposterous
331
00:14:42,790 --> 00:14:44,198
of lies and mudslinging.
332
00:14:44,292 --> 00:14:47,385
He claims I was a whoops baby.
A mistake.
333
00:14:47,536 --> 00:14:49,870
Well, if you think about it,
it, it is possible.
334
00:14:50,039 --> 00:14:51,538
No, it's not.
That's absurd.
335
00:14:51,633 --> 00:14:53,616
To be honest,
I've wondered the same thing.
336
00:14:53,709 --> 00:14:55,393
You are much younger
than Chris and Meg.
337
00:14:55,620 --> 00:14:58,045
Lois and Peter had two children
back-to-back,
338
00:14:58,139 --> 00:15:00,231
a boy and a girl,
one of each, and then stopped.
339
00:15:00,458 --> 00:15:02,141
And those two
were already a stretch
340
00:15:02,293 --> 00:15:03,459
for Peter's meager salary.
341
00:15:03,628 --> 00:15:05,128
I mean, don't you think
it's a little odd
342
00:15:05,146 --> 00:15:07,238
that their plan would include
waiting 14 years,
343
00:15:07,390 --> 00:15:09,056
until Lois was in her 40s--
344
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:10,983
not exactly prime
reproductive years--
345
00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:12,577
to have their third child?
346
00:15:12,804 --> 00:15:14,078
I-I'm not saying it's true,
347
00:15:14,230 --> 00:15:16,998
but if you do the math,
it kind of makes sense.
348
00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:22,161
My God, everything
about this is terrible.
349
00:15:22,313 --> 00:15:23,646
Why do you think
Peter keeps leaving you
350
00:15:23,665 --> 00:15:24,905
on the fire station steps?
351
00:15:24,925 --> 00:15:27,166
Most things about this
are terrible.
352
00:15:27,318 --> 00:15:30,002
Come on, little guy,
time to go to the fire station.
353
00:15:30,155 --> 00:15:31,596
Let me just fix my face.
354
00:15:33,249 --> 00:15:35,433
All right, let's go.
355
00:15:35,510 --> 00:15:38,010
♪ ♪
356
00:15:38,830 --> 00:15:40,680
I can't believe they never
bothered to tell me
357
00:15:40,832 --> 00:15:42,106
I was a mistake.
358
00:15:42,258 --> 00:15:43,274
Well, I'll get my revenge
359
00:15:43,501 --> 00:15:46,169
by using the one trump card
every baby has.
360
00:15:46,187 --> 00:15:49,005
I'll refuse to put on my shoes.
361
00:15:49,023 --> 00:15:51,841
Stewie, let's get your shoes on.
We're going out.
362
00:15:51,934 --> 00:15:54,935
Oh, oka-- Hold still, Stewie.
363
00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:56,179
Come on, let me get
your shoes on.
364
00:15:56,272 --> 00:15:58,014
Damn it, Stewie! Stop kicking.
365
00:15:58,032 --> 00:16:00,183
Will you just--
Will you hold still?
366
00:16:00,351 --> 00:16:02,293
Damn it. Stop kick-- Stewie.
367
00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:03,853
(exhales)
368
00:16:03,946 --> 00:16:06,965
Well, so much for going
to the Dangly Shiny Keys Show.
369
00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:09,192
Dangly Shiny Keys Show?
370
00:16:09,210 --> 00:16:11,194
What are we waiting for?
Let's go.
371
00:16:11,212 --> 00:16:13,045
(joyful clamoring)
372
00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:14,864
What were you upset
about earlier?
373
00:16:14,957 --> 00:16:15,974
I don't know, I don't remember.
374
00:16:16,201 --> 00:16:18,217
Me neither,
but this is amazing.
375
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:20,144
♪ ♪
376
00:16:21,206 --> 00:16:22,814
What are we doing
at this coffee shop, Stewie?
377
00:16:22,965 --> 00:16:25,799
This is Lois's favorite spot
and I hacked their system
378
00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:27,485
so they only accept Apple Pay.
379
00:16:27,712 --> 00:16:29,654
She's gonna have
no clue what to do.
380
00:16:31,049 --> 00:16:33,883
I'm sorry,
we only take Apple Pay.
381
00:16:33,901 --> 00:16:36,310
Oh, wha...?
I-Is that on my computer?
382
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:38,329
Yeah, and if you don't have it,
383
00:16:38,481 --> 00:16:40,239
we're gonna have to
take the coffee back.
384
00:16:40,391 --> 00:16:41,833
SHAWN MENDES:
You'll do no such thing.
385
00:16:41,984 --> 00:16:44,335
Shawn Mendes?!
386
00:16:44,487 --> 00:16:46,838
That's right. Wherever
a suburban mom is having trouble
387
00:16:47,065 --> 00:16:48,673
with a phone thing,
I'll be there.
388
00:16:48,824 --> 00:16:50,425
Give me your phone.
389
00:16:51,660 --> 00:16:53,252
-(phone chimes)
-Here's your coffee.
390
00:16:53,329 --> 00:16:55,404
WOMAN:
What do you mean
the menu's online?
391
00:16:55,465 --> 00:16:57,181
I'm afraid I'm needed elsewhere.
392
00:16:57,333 --> 00:17:00,184
SINGERS:
♪ Shawn Mendes. ♪
393
00:17:00,411 --> 00:17:02,912
♪ ♪
394
00:17:02,930 --> 00:17:05,264
All right, time for
a little payback.
395
00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:08,693
Let's see how the fat man feels
about having a mistake baby
396
00:17:08,844 --> 00:17:10,770
when he has to listen
to that same child blast
397
00:17:10,864 --> 00:17:12,605
rebellious rock and roll.
398
00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:14,181
-♪ Sugar... ♪
-("Sugar Sugar"
by The Archies playing)
399
00:17:14,275 --> 00:17:16,776
Ha! How do you like that,
old man?
400
00:17:16,928 --> 00:17:19,019
If it's too loud,
you're too old!
401
00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:21,688
Hey, what's going on down here?
I love this song.
402
00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:24,267
No. No, you're supposed to be
mad about this.
403
00:17:24,285 --> 00:17:25,877
I do have an issue
with the volume, though.
404
00:17:26,028 --> 00:17:28,938
-Oh, yeah, here we go.
-It needs to be louder.
405
00:17:28,956 --> 00:17:30,197
♪ Honey... ♪
406
00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:34,110
Hey, we heard The Archies,
so we brought punch.
407
00:17:34,128 --> 00:17:35,444
What? No. No.
408
00:17:35,463 --> 00:17:37,388
This is supposed
to be making you furious.
409
00:17:37,540 --> 00:17:41,059
Oh, God, this music is
making me lose it.
410
00:17:41,210 --> 00:17:42,876
Should we order
two cheese pizzas?
411
00:17:42,896 --> 00:17:44,378
-Uh, yeah.
-I'm in.
412
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,880
Hey, Quagmire,
Betty or Veronica?
413
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:48,140
Both.
414
00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:50,217
-♪ Oh, Quagmire ♪
-♪ Oh, sugar ♪
415
00:17:51,629 --> 00:17:54,739
-♪ Who else but Quagmire? ♪
-♪ Oh, honey, honey. ♪
416
00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:59,468
-Hey, Stewie.
-What do you want?
417
00:17:59,562 --> 00:18:02,972
Listen, Stewie, I'm sure whoever
broke this whoops baby story
418
00:18:03,065 --> 00:18:04,140
to sink your campaign
419
00:18:04,233 --> 00:18:06,626
never intended you
to take it personally.
420
00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:10,129
There's something
I think you should see.
421
00:18:14,502 --> 00:18:17,169
What? You've got a secret
weapons room?
422
00:18:17,322 --> 00:18:19,847
Not exactly.
It's a porn room.
423
00:18:21,159 --> 00:18:23,676
These are impressively
organized and cataloged.
424
00:18:23,828 --> 00:18:26,587
People in the community
like things well-labeled,
425
00:18:26,681 --> 00:18:28,922
so I developed
the Spewey Decimal System.
426
00:18:29,016 --> 00:18:30,591
I don't want to sound
like a square,
427
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,001
but if you put
this level of effort
428
00:18:32,019 --> 00:18:34,019
into your schoolwork,
you could really soar.
429
00:18:34,172 --> 00:18:34,946
See that?
430
00:18:35,173 --> 00:18:36,948
That's a mint condition 1983
431
00:18:37,099 --> 00:18:39,175
Kurt Russell-Goldie Hawn
sex tape.
432
00:18:39,344 --> 00:18:43,012
Never been opened.
Market value of $150K.
433
00:18:43,030 --> 00:18:43,955
Well, if it's never been opened,
434
00:18:44,124 --> 00:18:45,514
how do you know
it's the real thing?
435
00:18:45,533 --> 00:18:47,032
Oh, it's the real thing.
436
00:18:47,185 --> 00:18:48,868
People in the community
trust each other.
437
00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:50,686
Stop saying
"people in the community."
438
00:18:50,705 --> 00:18:52,538
I prefer not to picture
that community.
439
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:56,342
Anyway, there's one I think
you might be interested in.
440
00:18:58,655 --> 00:19:02,198
This is dated exactly
nine months before I was born.
441
00:19:02,291 --> 00:19:05,643
You have a whole shelf of Lois
and the Fat Man's sex tapes?
442
00:19:05,794 --> 00:19:08,204
I have the camera in there
on a grunt sensor.
443
00:19:08,297 --> 00:19:11,374
There's a lot of Dad
just going to the bathroom.
444
00:19:11,467 --> 00:19:12,892
That's disturbing even to me,
445
00:19:12,968 --> 00:19:15,561
and I've been to an
Eyes Wide Shut party.
446
00:19:15,713 --> 00:19:18,931
Sorry, sir, there's a strict
800-penis limit.
447
00:19:18,992 --> 00:19:20,049
If I let you in,
448
00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:21,826
the fire marshal
will be all over my back.
449
00:19:22,053 --> 00:19:24,069
But the fire marshal's on
that guy's back.
450
00:19:24,222 --> 00:19:26,722
Yeah, but he'll get off
his back and on my back.
451
00:19:26,741 --> 00:19:28,391
It's a great party.
452
00:19:28,409 --> 00:19:30,751
♪ ♪
453
00:19:36,158 --> 00:19:37,842
Hey, everyone,
I'm Peter Griffin,
454
00:19:37,993 --> 00:19:40,419
and this is
my Real World audition.
455
00:19:40,571 --> 00:19:44,015
LOIS:
Peter... there's something
I want to do.
456
00:19:44,242 --> 00:19:45,408
PETER:
Oh, God, I know that look.
457
00:19:45,501 --> 00:19:48,077
You're ovulating.
Wha-What are you doing?
458
00:19:48,095 --> 00:19:50,170
-(Lois grunts)
-No. No! Aah!
459
00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:51,171
-(screaming)
-(moaning)
460
00:19:51,191 --> 00:19:53,098
(Lois grunting)
461
00:19:53,251 --> 00:19:55,342
Wow.
Lois has strong thighs.
462
00:19:55,361 --> 00:19:58,345
Please, no!
(groaning)
463
00:19:58,439 --> 00:20:00,031
Fine, just get it over with.
464
00:20:00,182 --> 00:20:02,274
I'm gonna be a mom again!
465
00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:05,119
My existence is justified.
466
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:09,281
CHRIS' VOICE:
The old man's got quite
a meat bag on him, huh?
467
00:20:09,434 --> 00:20:12,935
This... was the night
I was conceived?
468
00:20:13,028 --> 00:20:14,119
(chuckles)
Yep.
469
00:20:14,272 --> 00:20:15,862
That's how it happened
with all of us, Stewie.
470
00:20:15,957 --> 00:20:17,882
That's why we're trash people.
471
00:20:18,109 --> 00:20:19,124
But this means...
472
00:20:19,277 --> 00:20:21,702
technically I'm only
half an accident.
473
00:20:21,796 --> 00:20:23,796
-Yep.
-Thanks, Chris.
474
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,114
It was me.
475
00:20:25,207 --> 00:20:27,016
I was complimenting
my own meat bag.
476
00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:37,068
Brian, say hello
to the new snack captain.
477
00:20:37,219 --> 00:20:39,979
You actually won?
Wow, congrats, Stewie.
478
00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:41,964
I thought you being a mistake
ruined your chances.
479
00:20:42,057 --> 00:20:43,241
How'd you pull it off?
480
00:20:43,468 --> 00:20:46,485
It turns out 70% of
the kids' parents aren't married
481
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,246
and 30% are mistakes.
482
00:20:48,397 --> 00:20:49,896
Nobody gets married anymore.
483
00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:51,474
One kid doesn't even
have parents.
484
00:20:51,567 --> 00:20:54,310
He just kind of appeared.
Sleeps in one of the cubbies.
485
00:20:54,328 --> 00:20:55,419
I mean, that's the story
486
00:20:55,571 --> 00:20:57,313
I would have told this week,
but whatever.
487
00:20:57,406 --> 00:21:00,675
Oh, and Doug died in a commuter
plane crash this morning.