1 00:00:06,973 --> 00:00:09,942 Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket. 2 00:00:10,043 --> 00:00:12,273 - Greg, were you smoking cigarettes? - No, Dad. 3 00:00:12,379 --> 00:00:14,279 He's lying. There's no doubt about that. 4 00:00:14,381 --> 00:00:17,748 Greg, I'm afraid your punishment will be four hours in the snakepit. 5 00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:20,081 That'll give you time to think about what you did. 6 00:00:20,186 --> 00:00:21,380 Man! 7 00:00:22,088 --> 00:00:23,055 That'll teach him. 8 00:00:23,156 --> 00:00:25,886 Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the fire chamber... 9 00:00:25,992 --> 00:00:27,653 ...for tattling on your brother. 10 00:00:29,095 --> 00:00:32,360 Smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong? 11 00:00:32,465 --> 00:00:34,626 - They live in a crummy neighborhood. - The Bradys? 12 00:00:34,734 --> 00:00:37,965 Yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. You name it. 13 00:00:38,071 --> 00:00:39,538 You folks want some pancakes? 14 00:00:39,639 --> 00:00:43,075 No, thanks. See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's Witnesses. 15 00:00:43,810 --> 00:00:46,802 "It seems today that all you see 16 00:00:47,147 --> 00:00:50,378 "is violence in movies and sex on TV 17 00:00:50,483 --> 00:00:53,884 "But where are those good, old-fashioned values 18 00:00:53,987 --> 00:00:56,547 "on which we used to rely? 19 00:00:57,323 --> 00:01:00,292 "Lucky there's a family guy 20 00:01:00,393 --> 00:01:03,521 "Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you 21 00:01:03,630 --> 00:01:05,359 "all the things that make us 22 00:01:05,465 --> 00:01:06,955 "laugh 'n' cry 23 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:11,731 "He's a family guy" 24 00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:20,641 Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections? 25 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:23,215 Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. 26 00:01:23,316 --> 00:01:26,717 You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image. 27 00:01:36,229 --> 00:01:39,221 Excellent! The mind-control device is nearing completion! 28 00:01:39,332 --> 00:01:41,630 Stewie, I said no toys at the table. 29 00:01:41,734 --> 00:01:42,928 Damn you, vile woman! 30 00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:46,403 You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb. 31 00:01:46,506 --> 00:01:49,566 Don't pout, honey. When you were born... 32 00:01:49,676 --> 00:01:53,237 ...the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen. 33 00:01:53,346 --> 00:01:57,442 But, of course. That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans... 34 00:01:57,550 --> 00:02:01,748 ...to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille! Return the device, woman! 35 00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:03,379 No toys, Stewie. 36 00:02:03,490 --> 00:02:04,457 Very well, then. 37 00:02:04,557 --> 00:02:08,493 Mark my words, when you least expect it, your uppance will come! 38 00:02:10,563 --> 00:02:11,928 Mom, can I turn the heat up? 39 00:02:12,031 --> 00:02:15,091 Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset. 40 00:02:15,201 --> 00:02:17,192 Come on. This thing goes up to 90. 41 00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:18,235 Who touched the thermostat? 42 00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:19,896 God, how does he always know? 43 00:02:20,006 --> 00:02:22,201 Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. 44 00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:24,208 Tells you when the kids mess with the dial. 45 00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:26,278 My thing went off! Your thermostat okay? 46 00:02:26,379 --> 00:02:28,279 - Yeah, it's all right. - Is my kid over here? 47 00:02:28,381 --> 00:02:29,439 Forget it! False alarm! 48 00:02:30,116 --> 00:02:31,777 Ass ahoy. 49 00:02:31,885 --> 00:02:35,377 Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion? 50 00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:37,046 He's going to a stag party. 51 00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,819 Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. 52 00:02:39,926 --> 00:02:41,154 I am the man of the house. 53 00:02:41,261 --> 00:02:44,458 As the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party. 54 00:02:44,564 --> 00:02:48,193 Look, at least promise me you won't drink. Alcohol always leads to trouble. 55 00:02:48,601 --> 00:02:50,330 Come on. You're worrying about nothing. 56 00:02:50,503 --> 00:02:54,166 Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church? 57 00:02:54,607 --> 00:02:57,576 And so the Lord God smote poor Job... 58 00:02:57,710 --> 00:03:00,042 ...with festering boils all over his body. 59 00:03:00,146 --> 00:03:02,307 Man, I hate it when he tells this story. 60 00:03:02,448 --> 00:03:06,612 Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity. 61 00:03:06,719 --> 00:03:10,052 - Is that really the blood of Christ? - Yes. 62 00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:13,282 Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day. 63 00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:16,656 And then there was that time at the ice cream store. 64 00:03:17,096 --> 00:03:19,394 Butter Rum's my favorite. 65 00:03:21,501 --> 00:03:24,732 Remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? 66 00:03:30,543 --> 00:03:34,104 I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks, that's it. 67 00:03:34,347 --> 00:03:37,282 Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch. 68 00:03:37,383 --> 00:03:38,645 I have AIDS. 69 00:03:40,486 --> 00:03:42,784 - Promise me, Peter. - Lois, honey, I promise. 70 00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:45,722 Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight. 71 00:03:45,825 --> 00:03:47,725 Who wants to play Drink The Beer? 72 00:03:47,827 --> 00:03:49,226 Right here. 73 00:03:49,329 --> 00:03:50,921 - You win. - All right. What do I win? 74 00:03:51,030 --> 00:03:52,088 Another beer! 75 00:03:52,198 --> 00:03:53,756 I'm going for the high score! 76 00:03:53,866 --> 00:03:56,096 Actually, Charlie's got the high score. 77 00:03:56,202 --> 00:03:58,067 Man. Your clock won't flush. 78 00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:02,164 I feel kind of bad, guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink. 79 00:04:02,275 --> 00:04:05,176 - Don't feel bad, Peter. - Gee. I never thought of it like that. 80 00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:06,639 Did you bring the porno? 81 00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:10,375 Did I bring the porno? You're gonna love it. It's a classic. 82 00:04:11,017 --> 00:04:12,917 Listen, Ilsa. If I take this thing out... 83 00:04:13,019 --> 00:04:16,011 ...and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Not today or tomorrow. 84 00:04:16,122 --> 00:04:18,090 But soon, and for the rest of your life. 85 00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:19,852 Come on, llsa! Get on it! 86 00:04:23,129 --> 00:04:25,324 The statue was a gift from France. 87 00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:26,591 What is this? 88 00:04:26,699 --> 00:04:29,497 Man. My kid must've taped over this for history class. 89 00:04:30,770 --> 00:04:33,295 The Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do? 90 00:04:33,406 --> 00:04:37,740 - Boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot. - That's just crazy enough to work. 91 00:04:43,449 --> 00:04:45,076 Meg, finish your pancakes. 92 00:04:45,184 --> 00:04:47,914 - Chris, elbows off your father. - Thanks, son. 93 00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:51,787 37 beers. You're setting a great example for the kids, Peter. 94 00:04:51,891 --> 00:04:55,019 Yeah. A new family record. Way to raise the bar, Dad. 95 00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:57,119 Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that. 96 00:04:57,230 --> 00:04:59,790 Kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty... 97 00:04:59,899 --> 00:05:01,298 ...would take her clothes off. 98 00:05:01,401 --> 00:05:04,893 - What did you promise me last night? - I wouldn't drink at the stag party. 99 00:05:05,004 --> 00:05:07,871 - And what did you do? - Drank at the stag... 100 00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:11,034 I almost walked right into that one. God! 101 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:14,204 Feels like accountants are cranking adding machines in my head. 102 00:05:18,685 --> 00:05:21,552 Dick, you ever wonder what's outside those walls? 103 00:05:21,654 --> 00:05:24,623 That's dangerous thinking, Paul. You best stick to your work. 104 00:05:24,724 --> 00:05:25,691 Okay. 105 00:05:26,426 --> 00:05:30,487 You see? A hangover is nature's way of telling you I was right. I mean... 106 00:05:30,596 --> 00:05:32,461 Mom, are you all right? 107 00:05:32,565 --> 00:05:36,262 My goodness. This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly? 108 00:05:36,369 --> 00:05:38,360 I could've broken my neck. 109 00:05:38,538 --> 00:05:39,596 Damn! 110 00:05:41,207 --> 00:05:43,641 Honey. I took a cab home, I slept on the table... 111 00:05:43,743 --> 00:05:46,041 ...so I wouldn't wake you up. Nothing bad happened. 112 00:05:46,145 --> 00:05:47,976 I guess you're right. 113 00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:50,743 Apology accepted. All right, I'm going to work. 114 00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:52,613 Somebody's gotta put food on this table. 115 00:05:56,289 --> 00:05:57,620 How are you coming, Johnson? 116 00:05:57,724 --> 00:06:00,056 Mr. Weed, I've been working on the new G.I. Jew line. 117 00:06:00,159 --> 00:06:02,320 And as you can see, they look great. 118 00:06:02,428 --> 00:06:03,452 You call these bagels? 119 00:06:03,563 --> 00:06:05,861 I'm glad he's on our side! 120 00:06:08,267 --> 00:06:09,359 Peter! What? 121 00:06:09,469 --> 00:06:10,663 Are you sleeping on the job? 122 00:06:10,770 --> 00:06:13,933 No. There's a bug in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate him. 123 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:17,874 Peter, I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here. 124 00:06:17,977 --> 00:06:21,105 It's your job to watch for toys that could be hazardous to kids. 125 00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,444 - Now, look sharp! - Yes, sir! 126 00:06:35,294 --> 00:06:39,958 And now back to Action News 5. Our top story tonight, "When Toys Attack. " 127 00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:41,693 Quite a situation we've got here, Tom. 128 00:06:41,801 --> 00:06:44,167 Quite a situation we've got here, Tom, indeed, Diane. 129 00:06:44,270 --> 00:06:47,171 The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company of Quahog, Rhode Island... 130 00:06:47,273 --> 00:06:50,333 ...has released highly unsafe products into the retail market. 131 00:06:50,710 --> 00:06:52,803 Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball! 132 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,705 Boy! A Pound Poochie! 133 00:06:57,917 --> 00:07:00,408 Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out. 134 00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:04,181 Peter, I'm appalled. 135 00:07:04,290 --> 00:07:07,123 Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation. 136 00:07:07,226 --> 00:07:08,215 You're fired! 137 00:07:08,327 --> 00:07:09,521 Jeez. For how long? 138 00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:13,588 My God! You got fired? 139 00:07:13,699 --> 00:07:17,328 - Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine! - How do you know about the machine? 140 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:20,167 Don't worry. I'll still put food on this table. 141 00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:22,833 Just not as much. So it might get a little competitive. 142 00:07:22,942 --> 00:07:27,470 Who cares about food? Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections! 143 00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:29,979 Can we put her out in the yard for a while? 144 00:07:30,082 --> 00:07:32,073 Okay, who's hungry? 145 00:07:32,552 --> 00:07:34,884 Jeez. How the hell am I gonna break this to Lois? 146 00:07:34,987 --> 00:07:38,514 If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame me! 147 00:07:38,624 --> 00:07:42,082 Lie to her. It's okay to lie to women. They're not people like us. 148 00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:44,686 I don't know. Hey, where's the other guy? 149 00:07:45,932 --> 00:07:48,560 Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work. 150 00:07:48,668 --> 00:07:49,794 This is perfect! 151 00:07:50,369 --> 00:07:52,599 Look, I don't want your mom to worry, all right? 152 00:07:52,705 --> 00:07:55,105 When she worries, she says, "I told you so" and: 153 00:07:55,208 --> 00:07:59,110 "Stop doing that. I'm asleep. " So I'm just gonna tell a little lie, okay? 154 00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:01,544 Not a word to your mom about me getting canned. 155 00:08:01,647 --> 00:08:03,046 What's that, Peter? 156 00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:06,141 - Nothing. The lost-my-job smells great. - What? 157 00:08:06,252 --> 00:08:09,244 Meg, honey, can you pass the fired-my-ass-for-negligence? 158 00:08:09,355 --> 00:08:11,016 Peter, are you feeling okay? 159 00:08:11,123 --> 00:08:13,785 I feel great! I haven't got a job in the world. 160 00:08:13,893 --> 00:08:15,520 All right, then let's eat. 161 00:08:15,628 --> 00:08:18,324 I know you all hate eggplant, but... 162 00:08:19,465 --> 00:08:21,330 What on earth was that? 163 00:08:23,803 --> 00:08:26,499 What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish... 164 00:08:26,906 --> 00:08:27,998 ...and nothing else. 165 00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:33,878 How's your job search going? 166 00:08:33,980 --> 00:08:37,245 It sucks, Brian. I've already been through two jobs this week. 167 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:38,874 I got fired off of that commercial. 168 00:08:38,985 --> 00:08:41,647 Try it again. "I'm caca for Cocoa Puffs. " 169 00:08:41,754 --> 00:08:43,483 No, damn it! Take 26! 170 00:08:43,956 --> 00:08:47,357 Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for that restaurant's salad bar. 171 00:08:50,029 --> 00:08:51,189 Take it outside, lady. 172 00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,624 I thought I could win money in that talent show. 173 00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:57,436 And the prize goes to The von Trapp Family Singers! 174 00:08:57,737 --> 00:08:58,829 That is bull... 175 00:09:01,307 --> 00:09:03,172 Peter, I know it's a dangerous precedent... 176 00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:05,506 ...but you might want to tell Lois the truth. 177 00:09:05,611 --> 00:09:08,739 What? That I can't provide for my family? That she's always right? 178 00:09:08,848 --> 00:09:11,282 That I didn't stand up to a tank in Tiananmen Square? 179 00:09:15,855 --> 00:09:18,756 Screw this! I just came over to buy some fireworks! 180 00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:21,590 You can't keep lying to her about losing your job. 181 00:09:21,694 --> 00:09:24,322 Eventually, she'll find out where you're going every day. 182 00:09:24,430 --> 00:09:25,362 Yeah. 183 00:09:28,601 --> 00:09:31,161 Yeah, you're right. Okay, I'll tell her tonight. 184 00:09:47,954 --> 00:09:49,444 Victory is mine! 185 00:09:49,855 --> 00:09:51,789 I'll need the checkbook in the morning. 186 00:09:51,891 --> 00:09:53,916 I'm going to Stop 'N Shop for some sweet corn. 187 00:09:54,026 --> 00:09:55,687 You're spending money on food again? 188 00:09:55,795 --> 00:09:57,422 Lois, we just had dinner. 189 00:09:57,530 --> 00:10:01,660 I enjoyed it so much, I thought we'd eat again tomorrow. 190 00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:04,361 Since when are you so concerned about our food budget? 191 00:10:04,470 --> 00:10:05,664 I just... 192 00:10:05,771 --> 00:10:08,934 Lois, this is really hard for me to say, but... 193 00:10:09,041 --> 00:10:10,838 What is it, Peter? 194 00:10:11,978 --> 00:10:14,105 - You're getting kind of fat. - What? 195 00:10:14,213 --> 00:10:16,477 It's just... It's not healthy. 196 00:10:16,582 --> 00:10:19,881 Peter, I do my Jane Fonda workout tape three times a week. 197 00:10:19,986 --> 00:10:21,851 When was the last time you saw your toes? 198 00:10:21,954 --> 00:10:24,445 I thought you people were supposed to be jolly. 199 00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:26,855 Peter, what the hell is the matter with you? 200 00:10:26,959 --> 00:10:30,053 Honey, if there's something wrong, you can tell me. 201 00:10:30,196 --> 00:10:34,064 - Sorry, man. Am I late? What did I miss? - Thank God you're here. What do I do? 202 00:10:34,166 --> 00:10:36,396 Tell him to keep quiet. He's in too deep. 203 00:10:36,502 --> 00:10:38,094 I don't know. 204 00:10:38,437 --> 00:10:39,563 Where's the other guy? 205 00:10:40,873 --> 00:10:42,397 This is unbelievable! 206 00:10:43,442 --> 00:10:46,707 I promise you, everything's fine. You got nothing to worry about. 207 00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:49,975 Well, well, Mother! We meet again! 208 00:10:50,082 --> 00:10:52,607 Stewie, I thought I tucked you in an hour ago. 209 00:10:52,718 --> 00:10:55,846 Not tightly enough it would seem. And now you contemptible harpy... 210 00:10:55,955 --> 00:10:58,423 ...I shall end your reign of matriarchal tyranny. 211 00:10:58,524 --> 00:11:00,458 You can play tomorrow, honey. 212 00:11:00,559 --> 00:11:02,049 Right now it's bedtime. 213 00:11:02,728 --> 00:11:05,128 Blast you and your estrogenical treachery! 214 00:11:05,231 --> 00:11:06,528 Sweet dreams, kiddo. 215 00:11:06,632 --> 00:11:07,997 You have the power to end this! 216 00:11:11,103 --> 00:11:12,468 How'd she take it? 217 00:11:12,571 --> 00:11:14,436 I told her she was fat. 218 00:11:14,540 --> 00:11:15,802 No. 219 00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,306 I hate lying to Lois. It's just... 220 00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:20,504 It's the best way to keep her from the truth. 221 00:11:20,613 --> 00:11:23,081 You have no choice. Your unemployment will dry up soon. 222 00:11:23,182 --> 00:11:26,618 She'll probably sense something's amiss when they repossess your house. 223 00:11:26,719 --> 00:11:28,949 You really oughta think of your family's welfare. 224 00:11:29,055 --> 00:11:30,522 Jeez, Brian! That's a great idea! 225 00:11:32,725 --> 00:11:36,923 Okay, do you have any disabilities, past injuries, physical anomalies? 226 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:40,325 I didn't have gas for the first time until I was 30. 227 00:11:44,837 --> 00:11:46,702 What the hell was that? 228 00:11:48,274 --> 00:11:51,607 Guys, our money problems are over! We're officially on welfare. 229 00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,145 Come on, help me scatter car parts on the front lawn. 230 00:11:54,246 --> 00:11:55,406 How much are we getting? 231 00:11:55,514 --> 00:11:57,778 Let's see. $150 a week. 232 00:11:58,284 --> 00:12:00,013 Wait. That's a comma, not a decimal. 233 00:12:02,154 --> 00:12:03,143 Whoops. 234 00:12:03,522 --> 00:12:05,786 No, I haven't seen Peter all afternoon. 235 00:12:05,891 --> 00:12:07,483 I was giving a piano lesson. 236 00:12:08,327 --> 00:12:10,557 Stewie, why don't you play in the other room? 237 00:12:10,663 --> 00:12:11,994 Why don't you burn in hell? 238 00:12:12,798 --> 00:12:14,459 No dessert for you, young man. 239 00:12:15,034 --> 00:12:17,502 Who would've thought getting drunk would get me... 240 00:12:17,603 --> 00:12:20,470 ...$150,000 a week from the government? 241 00:12:20,606 --> 00:12:21,868 This is why I don't vote. 242 00:12:21,974 --> 00:12:24,238 Maybe somebody down there was drinking, too. 243 00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:27,771 Mr. President, why do you think the public supports you... 244 00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:29,575 ...during these impeachment proceedings? 245 00:12:29,682 --> 00:12:31,149 Probably because you're so fat. 246 00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:34,882 Peter, you might want to call the Welfare Commission. 247 00:12:34,987 --> 00:12:36,887 That check is obviously an oversight. 248 00:12:36,989 --> 00:12:40,516 Not necessarily. Maybe I'm like their one millionth customer. 249 00:12:40,626 --> 00:12:42,685 What? You're gonna spend $150,000 a week? 250 00:12:42,795 --> 00:12:44,854 - Yeah. - On what? 251 00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:49,731 Oh, my God! Peter, you bought the statue of David? 252 00:12:49,835 --> 00:12:52,326 No. I just rented it. But they're gonna be ticked. 253 00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:55,066 The penis broke off while I was loading it into the car. 254 00:12:58,144 --> 00:12:59,941 I shall call you "Eduardo. " 255 00:13:00,246 --> 00:13:01,941 Peter, how can we afford this? 256 00:13:02,047 --> 00:13:04,015 You won't believe it, Mom! Dad's getting... 257 00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:05,208 A big raise! 258 00:13:05,317 --> 00:13:06,978 Peter, that's wonderful! 259 00:13:07,086 --> 00:13:08,075 But, Dad, I thought... 260 00:13:08,187 --> 00:13:11,418 The kind of raise that'll allow me to give my kids a big allowance... 261 00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:14,049 ...just for keeping their big mouths shut. Come on, guys. 262 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,594 I'll buy us the most expensive meal we've ever had. 263 00:13:17,696 --> 00:13:20,722 Yeah. I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, please. 264 00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:21,800 I beg your pardon? 265 00:13:21,901 --> 00:13:23,892 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas. 266 00:13:24,003 --> 00:13:25,800 And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please. 267 00:13:27,706 --> 00:13:29,503 Peter, what's the big surprise? 268 00:13:29,608 --> 00:13:32,577 You know how I always said you should be treated like a queen? 269 00:13:32,678 --> 00:13:34,578 I got you your own jester. 270 00:13:35,748 --> 00:13:37,477 Good to be here in New England. 271 00:13:37,583 --> 00:13:39,642 And what's the deal with "New" England anyway? 272 00:13:39,752 --> 00:13:44,052 It's over 200 years old! Last time I checked, that's not that new. 273 00:13:48,694 --> 00:13:49,661 This is great. 274 00:13:49,762 --> 00:13:53,391 I can finally afford to give my little girl the lips she's always dreamed of. 275 00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:55,228 Thank you, Daddy! 276 00:13:56,702 --> 00:13:58,465 I don't know, Peter. Lips are one thing. 277 00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:01,335 But did you have to buy breast implants for Chris? 278 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:02,566 It makes him happy. 279 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,404 These are cool. 280 00:14:08,013 --> 00:14:09,503 When did you get a pool? 281 00:14:09,615 --> 00:14:11,014 It's a moat. 282 00:14:11,116 --> 00:14:12,105 I know it's silly... 283 00:14:12,218 --> 00:14:15,654 ...but my husband thinks our family needs extra protection now that... 284 00:14:15,754 --> 00:14:17,119 ...we're rich. 285 00:14:17,223 --> 00:14:18,247 Does it work? 286 00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:20,951 It does keep the Black Knight at bay. 287 00:14:25,197 --> 00:14:28,963 Congratulations in all your success. Here's your welfare check. 288 00:14:29,468 --> 00:14:30,435 What the... 289 00:14:35,274 --> 00:14:36,639 Hi, honey. 290 00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:39,635 What? 291 00:14:39,745 --> 00:14:43,545 I know what I did was wrong. But I only did it for you and the kids. 292 00:14:43,649 --> 00:14:46,516 Except for the jukebox in the bathroom. That was for Peter. 293 00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:50,783 Yeah, from the American taxpayers. I am so mad I can't see straight. 294 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,881 No problem. We got money to get that fixed... 295 00:14:52,992 --> 00:14:57,395 ...with enough left for us to buy our way out of any trouble our kids might get into. 296 00:14:57,496 --> 00:14:58,622 Just like the Kennedys. 297 00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:01,325 I feel like I don't even know you anymore, Peter. 298 00:15:01,433 --> 00:15:04,266 The man I married would never think he could fix a problem... 299 00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:05,894 ...just by spending money! 300 00:15:07,172 --> 00:15:08,730 Boy, she's pretty pissed. 301 00:15:08,841 --> 00:15:11,173 Who thought fraud would be one of her buttons? 302 00:15:11,277 --> 00:15:14,610 Why have a jukebox in the john if your wife's mad at you? 303 00:15:14,713 --> 00:15:17,477 Peter, you may have to return that money to the taxpayers. 304 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,778 But I gotta make sure Lois knows I'm doing it. 305 00:15:19,885 --> 00:15:21,716 I need an event with thousands of people. 306 00:15:21,820 --> 00:15:23,845 Something that everybody cares about. 307 00:15:25,291 --> 00:15:27,225 We might have to leave Rhode Island for this. 308 00:15:27,793 --> 00:15:31,695 The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXllI tonight! 309 00:15:31,797 --> 00:15:34,732 Pat, it's safe to say that all these fans came out here... 310 00:15:34,833 --> 00:15:36,824 ...to watch a game of football! 311 00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,927 John, we're in commercial. 312 00:15:39,038 --> 00:15:42,735 Yeah, I know. I'm just making conversation. Come on. 313 00:15:43,709 --> 00:15:44,869 Football! 314 00:15:47,313 --> 00:15:50,908 Amazing. You can barely drive a car. Yet you were allowed to fly a blimp? 315 00:15:51,016 --> 00:15:53,678 Yeah, America's great, isn't it? Except for the South. 316 00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:55,549 Boy, I hope Lois is watching. 317 00:15:55,654 --> 00:15:57,815 Okay, taxpayers, here you go! 318 00:15:59,658 --> 00:16:02,320 Looks like we're getting some rain here tonight, John. 319 00:16:02,428 --> 00:16:05,886 Yeah. Hey, wait a second! This is no ordinary rain! 320 00:16:06,198 --> 00:16:08,291 It's some kind of crazy money rain! 321 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:11,801 I'm being told it's a man and his dog throwing cash out of a blimp. 322 00:16:11,904 --> 00:16:15,670 Man. I hope this works. Otherwise, I'm gonna have to start dropping these. 323 00:16:20,579 --> 00:16:23,707 The crowd is storming the field! This is pandemonium! 324 00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:26,410 Have you ever seen anything like this, Pat? 325 00:16:27,553 --> 00:16:31,614 Just once. The 1975 Cotton Bowl. This is the old "trying to make amends... 326 00:16:31,724 --> 00:16:35,524 "... for spending $150,000 a week in misappropriated welfare funds" play. 327 00:16:35,627 --> 00:16:40,360 I don't care what it is! That guy's ruining a perfectly good game of football! 328 00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:42,763 - Madden to Fox Security. - Go ahead. 329 00:16:42,868 --> 00:16:44,665 Take them down! Yes, sir. 330 00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:54,938 How was your shower? 331 00:16:55,047 --> 00:16:57,948 I tell you, all of the rumors about dropping the soap are true. 332 00:16:58,050 --> 00:16:59,039 Really? 333 00:16:59,151 --> 00:17:01,346 You can't hold onto that thing to save your life. 334 00:17:01,453 --> 00:17:03,717 It was slipping everywhere. Guys were laughing. 335 00:17:03,822 --> 00:17:05,983 There's the guy that couldn't hold the soap. 336 00:17:06,091 --> 00:17:07,718 That was classic. 337 00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:10,726 Boy. I really let Lois down this time. 338 00:17:10,829 --> 00:17:12,126 Do you think she'll wait for me? 339 00:17:12,231 --> 00:17:13,789 If every woman dumped her husband... 340 00:17:13,899 --> 00:17:16,595 ...for crashing a blimp, no one would be married. 341 00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:19,102 Yeah, you're right. Okay, I got the top bunk. 342 00:17:22,074 --> 00:17:24,599 My collagen is wearing off. 343 00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:27,110 Honey, sagging lips are just nature's way... 344 00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:30,204 ...of telling you you shouldn't cover for your father's lie. 345 00:17:30,315 --> 00:17:33,512 What does it mean when your armpits cry stinky tears? 346 00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:35,678 It means you're becoming a man. 347 00:17:35,788 --> 00:17:39,519 But hopefully not the kind who stays out all day and doesn't call... 348 00:17:39,625 --> 00:17:42,150 ...like your father who shall remain nameless. 349 00:17:42,261 --> 00:17:45,094 Hello, Mother. Hi there, sweetie. 350 00:17:45,197 --> 00:17:47,757 You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. 351 00:17:47,866 --> 00:17:50,130 You never know what you're going to get. 352 00:17:50,235 --> 00:17:52,897 Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades! 353 00:17:54,506 --> 00:17:57,475 Now, I offer one last chance for deliverance. 354 00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:00,636 Return my mind-control device or be destroyed. 355 00:18:01,447 --> 00:18:04,211 You just want your toy back. 356 00:18:04,316 --> 00:18:06,011 Okay, here you go, honey. 357 00:18:06,885 --> 00:18:09,080 Yes... Well, victory is mine! 358 00:18:13,225 --> 00:18:14,419 Damn you all! 359 00:18:16,128 --> 00:18:17,254 Hello? 360 00:18:18,063 --> 00:18:19,428 Oh, my God! 361 00:18:25,003 --> 00:18:26,903 Lois, am I glad to see you. 362 00:18:27,005 --> 00:18:28,870 I have nothing to say to you, Peter. 363 00:18:28,974 --> 00:18:31,101 I gave the money back. Why are you still steamed? 364 00:18:31,210 --> 00:18:34,611 Peter, you lied to me, you betrayed my trust. 365 00:18:34,713 --> 00:18:37,011 Compared to that, welfare fraud doesn't even matter. 366 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:40,085 Really? Let's hope the judge feels that way. 367 00:18:41,220 --> 00:18:42,915 This court will come to order. 368 00:18:43,722 --> 00:18:46,190 I figured the sooner I cashed the check... 369 00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:49,055 ...the sooner they'd catch their mistake. 370 00:18:49,428 --> 00:18:51,328 Why are we making a federal case out of this? 371 00:18:51,430 --> 00:18:53,955 Don't you think you should have alerted the government... 372 00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:55,363 ...of such a gross overpayment? 373 00:18:55,467 --> 00:18:58,732 I was gonna call them. But my favorite episode... 374 00:18:58,837 --> 00:19:01,863 ...of Different Strokes was on. The one where Arnold and Dudley... 375 00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:04,306 ...get sexually molested by the bike shop owner? 376 00:19:04,776 --> 00:19:07,609 All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass. 377 00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,414 And everybody learns a valuable lesson. 378 00:19:10,516 --> 00:19:12,211 Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson? 379 00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:14,842 Yes. Stay the hell away from that bike shop. 380 00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:20,550 Okay, everybody, I feel really bad about what I did. I just... 381 00:19:20,659 --> 00:19:22,183 I don't know. I saw the one chance... 382 00:19:22,294 --> 00:19:25,491 ...I'd ever have to give my family the things they deserve. 383 00:19:25,597 --> 00:19:27,827 I guess I screwed it up. I cheated the government. 384 00:19:27,933 --> 00:19:30,424 And worst of all, I lied to my wife. 385 00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:32,463 And she deserves better. 386 00:19:32,571 --> 00:19:34,004 I'm sorry, honey. 387 00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:37,041 Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. 388 00:19:37,142 --> 00:19:39,269 I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison. 389 00:19:39,611 --> 00:19:40,600 No! 390 00:19:40,712 --> 00:19:41,770 - No! - No! 391 00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:42,778 No! 392 00:19:42,881 --> 00:19:43,848 Yeah! 393 00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:52,717 Excuse me, Your Honor? Yes? 394 00:19:52,824 --> 00:19:56,157 Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times. 395 00:19:56,261 --> 00:19:59,753 He may even be downright stupid. 396 00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:02,197 But I know he only accepted that money... 397 00:20:02,301 --> 00:20:05,202 ...because he wanted to be a good husband and father. 398 00:20:05,737 --> 00:20:08,365 But what he needs to remember is that we love him. 399 00:20:08,473 --> 00:20:11,374 And no matter what, I'll always stand by him. 400 00:20:11,476 --> 00:20:13,307 I love you too, honey. 401 00:20:13,478 --> 00:20:17,380 That was very moving, Mrs. Griffin. Okay, you can go to jail with him! 402 00:20:17,482 --> 00:20:18,449 What? 403 00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:22,577 24 months in prison? Unacceptable! Intolerable as it may be... 404 00:20:22,688 --> 00:20:25,987 ...I'm completely dependent upon those wretched drones for sustenance. 405 00:20:26,091 --> 00:20:29,151 Let us see how the constitution of American justice fares... 406 00:20:29,261 --> 00:20:31,092 ...against the device! 407 00:20:40,839 --> 00:20:42,101 Is that your boy? 408 00:20:42,207 --> 00:20:44,038 What? Yeah. That's Stewie. 409 00:20:44,142 --> 00:20:48,977 Gosh. I can't separate a kid that young from his father. It's unjudgmenly. 410 00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:51,208 - Hell, you've learned your lesson, right? - Yeah. 411 00:20:51,316 --> 00:20:54,376 - All right. You're free. - Wow! Can you give me my job back? 412 00:20:54,486 --> 00:20:55,475 No. 413 00:20:56,121 --> 00:20:57,884 - Yes. - All right! 414 00:21:02,327 --> 00:21:03,885 That was a crazy one, Dick. 415 00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:07,159 It sure was. In this next blooper from Joanie Loves Chachi... 416 00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:09,564 ...watch what happens when Scott Baio tries to say: 417 00:21:09,668 --> 00:21:11,761 "She sells seashells down by the seashore. " 418 00:21:11,870 --> 00:21:13,269 What does your mom do? 419 00:21:13,372 --> 00:21:14,862 She sells seashells down by the... 420 00:21:16,842 --> 00:21:18,366 That is kind of a tongue twister. 421 00:21:18,477 --> 00:21:20,536 It's good to have you home, Peter. 422 00:21:20,646 --> 00:21:22,944 Honey, I knew everything would turn out okay. 423 00:21:23,048 --> 00:21:24,481 I sure am gonna miss being rich. 424 00:21:24,583 --> 00:21:26,551 Don't worry. I got a way to get money. 425 00:21:26,652 --> 00:21:28,176 Not another welfare scam? 426 00:21:28,287 --> 00:21:30,448 No. Minority scholarship. 427 00:21:37,596 --> 00:21:39,826 No. Are you insane? 428 00:21:39,931 --> 00:21:42,695 Okay, I mean sexual harassment suit. 429 00:21:43,869 --> 00:21:45,131 No. Don't think so. 430 00:21:45,237 --> 00:21:46,465 Absolutely outrageous. 431 00:21:46,571 --> 00:21:48,004 Okay, disability claim.