1
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:05,130
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,214 --> 00:00:08,342
♪ ls violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:12,012
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:15,015
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:18,393
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,393 --> 00:00:21,813
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,813 --> 00:00:23,190
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,691
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:27,778
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:37,204
Hey, Brian,
have you seen the remote?
11
00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:38,830
I want to watch
The Weather Channel.
12
00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:40,207
There are tornados
in the Midwest,
13
00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:42,209
and I like watching
poor people scramble
14
00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:43,544
to save
what little they have.
15
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:45,045
Uh, I don't know
where the remote is.
16
00:00:45,087 --> 00:00:46,547
All right,
I'll find it myself.
17
00:00:48,507 --> 00:00:51,176
Oh, my God, my old harmonica!
18
00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:53,262
I'm gonna play this
really loud tonight
19
00:00:53,262 --> 00:00:55,806
to get back
at our Armenian neighbors.
20
00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:57,307
(kids laughing inside, knocks)
21
00:00:57,307 --> 00:00:58,559
Hey.
22
00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,060
Hey, looks like
a fun party.
23
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,271
Um, hey, listen, it's
2:00 in the morning.
24
00:01:02,271 --> 00:01:05,065
Uh, when is your five-year-old
gonna go to sleep?
25
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,191
Soon, very soon.
26
00:01:06,275 --> 00:01:08,694
You want weird food
wrapped in weird leaves?
27
00:01:08,694 --> 00:01:10,279
Yeah, look, I'm guessing
there's some kind of
28
00:01:10,279 --> 00:01:12,698
soccer match from your
home country going on,
29
00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:14,283
and I get that, I do.
30
00:01:14,283 --> 00:01:16,702
But, uh, some of us
are trying to sleep,
31
00:01:16,702 --> 00:01:18,829
and I could almost
deal with the noise,
32
00:01:18,829 --> 00:01:21,206
but it's the
cologne, all right?
33
00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:24,209
I can smell it in my bed, and
I live two houses from here.
34
00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:26,795
That's how powerful
it is, okay?
35
00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:28,213
That's how powerful it is.
36
00:01:28,213 --> 00:01:29,923
You like it?
37
00:01:29,965 --> 00:01:31,341
Yeah, I kind
of like it.
38
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,431
Okay, so I know
you're a harmonica,
39
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,433
but right now
you're a 40-year-old woman
40
00:01:39,474 --> 00:01:41,310
with a good body
in a hotel pool.
41
00:01:41,310 --> 00:01:43,228
(high-pitched voice):
Hey, everybody, look at me.
42
00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:45,731
I work out seven days a week
for these five minutes.
43
00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:47,232
Your attention
is going to keep me
44
00:01:47,232 --> 00:01:49,067
from swallowing
a bottle of pills.
45
00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:51,236
LOIS (in distance):
Hey, everyone, I made brownies!
46
00:01:51,236 --> 00:01:52,279
(gasps)
I better hurry up.
47
00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:53,655
I'm gonna miss the show.
48
00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:55,741
(crying):
What did I do?
49
00:01:55,741 --> 00:01:57,784
What did I do?
50
00:02:00,662 --> 00:02:03,040
I love brownie day.
51
00:02:06,001 --> 00:02:07,628
Hey, so, uh,
52
00:02:07,669 --> 00:02:09,921
I'm digging a hole
under the fence in the backyard.
53
00:02:09,921 --> 00:02:11,131
Brian, you have a car.
54
00:02:11,173 --> 00:02:12,507
You don't have to escape.
55
00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:14,301
Just don't (bleep)
say anything, okay?
56
00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:16,637
Oh, you know what, hang on, I
left my harmonica in the tub.
57
00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:18,263
I think Peter's in there
taking a bath.
58
00:02:18,263 --> 00:02:20,140
PETER:
Aah! Son of a bitch!
59
00:02:20,182 --> 00:02:22,142
What the hell did
I just sit on?
60
00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:24,311
Where is it?
Where's my harmonica?
61
00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:26,438
Peter, have you seen
Stewie's harmonica?
62
00:02:26,438 --> 00:02:27,648
It was in the tub.
63
00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:29,816
Oh, my God, it
was in the tub,
64
00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:31,443
and now it's
in my butt!
65
00:02:31,443 --> 00:02:33,278
No!
66
00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:35,822
Stewie, Daddy needs
your tiny hands
67
00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:38,659
for a very
special project.
68
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:45,165
Well, good heavens, that's
something, isn't it?
69
00:02:45,207 --> 00:02:47,334
By the way, Mr. Griffin,
regarding your X-rays,
70
00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:49,044
we're making a
coffee table book.
71
00:02:49,044 --> 00:02:50,462
Can you sign this
release, please?
72
00:02:50,462 --> 00:02:53,340
Okay, but first can we address
my husband's situation?
73
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:55,175
Well, the harmonica's
up there pretty good.
74
00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:57,302
Unfortunately, removing
it would require
75
00:02:57,302 --> 00:02:58,845
a very expensive surgery
76
00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:01,348
that's not covered by your
T.G.l. Friday's gift card.
77
00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:03,308
(harmonica plays, giggles)
78
00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:04,851
What was that?
I don't know,
79
00:03:04,851 --> 00:03:07,813
(sniffs) but suddenly it smells
like John Popper in here.
80
00:03:07,813 --> 00:03:09,856
That was me.
I got musical farts.
81
00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:11,316
(plays a scale)
82
00:03:11,316 --> 00:03:13,860
(giggles)
Holy crap, this is awesome.
83
00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:15,570
I will not allow
this opportunity
84
00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:16,988
to go to waste.
85
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,369
Hey, Lois, how
was your day?
86
00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:24,621
Terrible. I accidentally
backed over a kid
87
00:03:24,621 --> 00:03:26,623
in the grocery store
parking lot.
88
00:03:26,623 --> 00:03:28,250
(plays blues riff)
89
00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:30,001
Peter, I'm serious.
90
00:03:30,001 --> 00:03:32,087
I ran right over
the soft part of the face.
91
00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:33,839
I had to run away.
92
00:03:33,839 --> 00:03:36,091
I ditched the car
and jumped on a passing train.
93
00:03:36,091 --> 00:03:38,135
(plays Western music)
94
00:03:40,011 --> 00:03:41,596
I was so scared.
95
00:03:41,596 --> 00:03:43,724
I didn't get off
until I was in the South.
96
00:03:43,765 --> 00:03:46,518
(plays "Dixieland")
97
00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:48,103
What'd you do today?
98
00:03:48,103 --> 00:03:49,396
I pushed a boy
behind your car
99
00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:51,648
so I could do all
this harmonica stuff.
100
00:03:54,025 --> 00:03:55,026
(snoring)
101
00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:58,613
Meg loves to listen
to music when she sleeps.
102
00:03:58,613 --> 00:04:00,699
Let's see how she likes this.
103
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:05,370
Uh, Dad, I don't think
that's how it works.
104
00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:14,129
This had nothing to do
with the harmonica.
105
00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:21,261
Everybody, brace yourselves,
'cause I have got big news.
106
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,138
I have been selected
to be a contestant
107
00:04:23,138 --> 00:04:24,723
on America's Got Talent!
108
00:04:24,723 --> 00:04:27,267
And they're gonna fly us all
to America for the show!
109
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:29,227
What?! Oh, my God!
110
00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:31,271
(Italian accent):
Finally, we make'a da dreams
111
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:32,773
come true in America!
112
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,608
I am gonna make
this family proud,
113
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:35,901
and not just you guys,
114
00:04:35,984 --> 00:04:38,278
but that old painting
of my ancestor in the attic.
115
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,280
I did it! I'm
gonna be on TV!
116
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,782
Did you kill the others?
117
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,408
I shan't!
You must.
118
00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:46,119
(sighs) I'm gonna go talk to
the statue in the basement.
119
00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:47,788
Did you kill
the painting?
120
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,998
This place is a nuthouse.
121
00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:55,504
(cheering)
122
00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:57,756
Yo, welcome back
to America's Got Talent!
123
00:04:57,756 --> 00:04:59,299
Let's welcome
our next performer,
124
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,927
here to play the harmonica,
Peter Griffin.
125
00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:03,804
(applause)
126
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:04,930
Hi.
127
00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:07,265
So, where are you from, Peter?
128
00:05:07,265 --> 00:05:09,643
Urn, I'm from
Quahog, Rhode Island.
129
00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:10,811
(Lois whooping)
130
00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:12,312
Quahog!
131
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:13,438
(chuckles):
That's my family.
132
00:05:13,438 --> 00:05:15,941
My wife daytime drinks
on vacation.
133
00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:18,443
Okay, Peter,
let's hear what you've got.
134
00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:20,946
("Sanford and Son Theme"
playing)
135
00:05:22,948 --> 00:05:24,950
(snapping to music)
136
00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:35,460
(harmonica playing)
137
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,713
(harmonica continues)
138
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:44,177
Wow, he's nailing it.
139
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:45,428
I know, shut up.
140
00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:55,355
(cheering)
141
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,482
(farts, music stops)
142
00:05:58,358 --> 00:05:59,985
(gasping)
143
00:05:59,985 --> 00:06:01,987
Well, there goes
my music career.
144
00:06:01,987 --> 00:06:04,197
I wonder if I can get
my old job back
145
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,241
painting kids' faces
at birthday parties.
146
00:06:06,241 --> 00:06:08,201
There you go, Timmy.
147
00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:09,494
Sir, you're gonna have
to leave.
148
00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:11,204
You're just drawing penises
with a Sharpie
149
00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:12,497
on children's faces.
150
00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:14,499
I don't know how
to draw a cat.
151
00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:20,881
Hi, I'm Amanda.
152
00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:22,883
I'm Chris.
You look nice,
153
00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:24,843
so I'll blow my burps
the other way.
154
00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:26,011
(laughs)
155
00:06:26,094 --> 00:06:27,345
You're funny.
156
00:06:27,345 --> 00:06:28,513
Oh, thanks.
157
00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:30,265
Usually people
just find me awkward.
158
00:06:30,265 --> 00:06:32,392
I have a hard time
with small talk.
159
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,769
Did you find everything
you were looking for?
160
00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:36,271
Eh, I did all right
161
00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:38,148
for a guy who just had his
first homosexual experience
162
00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:40,275
with his guitar teacher.
163
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,405
All right, guys,
keep an eye out for our stuff.
164
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,908
I got tired of not being able
to find my bags,
165
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:49,659
so I tied a vaguely
Hanna-Barbera-looking
166
00:06:49,659 --> 00:06:51,244
character to it.
167
00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:54,039
This trip was imposserous!
168
00:06:54,039 --> 00:06:55,373
There we go.
169
00:06:55,373 --> 00:06:58,251
I really enjoyed sitting next
to you on the plane, Chris.
170
00:06:58,293 --> 00:06:59,044
Me, too.
171
00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:00,545
I'm sorry I screamed
172
00:07:00,545 --> 00:07:02,923
when that guy from India
got up to stretch.
173
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,925
Look, I'm having brunch
tomorrow with my grandparents
174
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,259
at the Barrington
Country Club.
175
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:07,552
Maybe your family
could join us.
176
00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:09,638
Okay, that sounds like fun.
177
00:07:14,559 --> 00:07:15,936
Oh, my God.
178
00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:17,270
Chris is dating
a Barrington.
179
00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:18,813
Who are the
Barringtons?
180
00:07:18,813 --> 00:07:20,774
They're the richest family
in all of Rhode Island.
181
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,943
(gasps)
I must notify Gossip Girl!
182
00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:26,071
"Pass this along
to Gossip Girl."
183
00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:27,447
(phone vibrates)
184
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,282
(gasps)
185
00:07:29,324 --> 00:07:30,408
(phone vibrates)
186
00:07:30,408 --> 00:07:33,078
(gasps)
187
00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:34,287
(phone vibrates)
188
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,206
(gasps)
189
00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:37,290
(phone vibrates)
190
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:38,583
(gasps)
191
00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:40,835
(phone vibrates)
192
00:07:40,835 --> 00:07:43,171
It's me. I'm Gossip Girl.
193
00:07:49,427 --> 00:07:52,806
I still can't believe Chris
is dating a Barrington.
194
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,182
They own this whole club.
195
00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:56,101
Yeah, look at
all this luxury.
196
00:07:56,101 --> 00:07:59,062
It's like being in
a gay guy's dream.
197
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,107
Enjoying the view?
198
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:03,608
It's glorious, Edwin.
199
00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:04,985
Would you like
another salad bowl
200
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,236
of chocolate-covered oysters?
201
00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:07,320
Is that gay enough?
202
00:08:07,362 --> 00:08:08,613
And then some.
203
00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:10,991
This has been the gayest
vacation I've ever had.
204
00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:13,827
I love smelling me
on your breath.
205
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,120
Peter, what are
you doing here?
206
00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,246
You're not a member!
207
00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:17,998
And that means me
and the other jocks
208
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:19,290
get to throw you
in the pool.
209
00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:20,792
Hey, Banks, Duffy,
get over here!
210
00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:22,377
This guy's going
for a swim.
211
00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:23,795
Grab him!
212
00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:25,422
(groaning)
213
00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:26,798
All right,
you're kind of heavy,
214
00:08:26,798 --> 00:08:28,550
so-so-so
we're gonna pee on you.
215
00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:30,635
(zippers zip)
216
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:33,430
Not happening-
217
00:08:33,430 --> 00:08:35,306
All right, all right,
we'll just spit on you.
218
00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,434
(lips smacking)
219
00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:42,313
Oh, nothing we have works.
220
00:08:42,313 --> 00:08:45,066
Daddy, we're here to have
brunch with the Barringtons.
221
00:08:45,066 --> 00:08:47,152
The Barringtons?!
How is that possible?
222
00:08:47,152 --> 00:08:49,195
That family is the pinnacle
of high society.
223
00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:51,156
They-they haven't worked
in eight generations.
224
00:08:51,156 --> 00:08:52,532
All the kids have drug problems.
225
00:08:52,574 --> 00:08:54,159
Most of them have O.D.'d.
226
00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:55,326
That's terrible.
227
00:08:55,326 --> 00:08:56,953
Well, not all kids
make it, Lois.
228
00:08:56,953 --> 00:08:58,913
Just ask the
Sugar Smacks frog.
229
00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:01,708
I'm sorry, I'm afraid
you've lost two more.
230
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:03,334
What should we do
about the graves?
231
00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:04,711
Dig 'em.
232
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:11,217
You look really
handsome today, Chris.
233
00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:12,427
Thanks, Amanda.
234
00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:13,720
STEWIE:
Hey, Chris, say it.
235
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,347
I use Stewart Griffin
Facial Cleanser.
236
00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:17,098
Try some.
237
00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:18,224
Give her
the Web site.
238
00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:20,226
StewieGriffinFacial.com.
239
00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:21,853
No, no, no,
th-th-that's something else.
240
00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:24,981
It's
StewieGriffinFacialCleanser.com.
241
00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:26,107
Hey, listen,
M r. Ba rrington,
242
00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:28,234
y-your granddaughter
ain't no tease, right?
243
00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:30,070
'Cause Chris really
wants to get in there.
244
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:32,072
Oh, you're a funny guy,
Griffin.
245
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:33,364
I like that.
246
00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:35,575
Oh, well, you should hear
my prank phone calls.
247
00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,243
(dialing)
248
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:39,454
Hey,
is your refrigerator running?
249
00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:40,622
MAN:
Yes, it is.
250
00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:42,123
Are your doors unlocked?
251
00:09:42,123 --> 00:09:44,000
What? Why?
252
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:49,964
I don't know, they all
kind of look the same.
253
00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:53,343
What do you mean "they
all look the same"?
254
00:09:54,385 --> 00:09:57,263
Hey, there's all
my favorite people!
255
00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:59,140
Oh, no, not this suck-up.
256
00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:00,391
What are we talking about?
257
00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:01,893
Black people? Mexicans?
258
00:10:01,893 --> 00:10:03,895
Jews? (laughs)
259
00:10:03,895 --> 00:10:05,605
So good to see you,
Barrington.
260
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,273
Hey, hey, where we going today,
Reginald?
261
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:08,274
Huh? Huh?
Where we going today?
262
00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:09,776
You and me is pals,
ain't we, Reginald?
263
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,111
Pewterschmidt,
settle down!
264
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,655
I was having a nice
conversation with Peter.
265
00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:16,032
Uh, Peter, why don't you tell me
more about your job.
266
00:10:16,032 --> 00:10:17,534
You said you like
to drink at work?
267
00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:18,743
I do.
Oh, me, too!
268
00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:19,911
Me, too.
I'll drink anything.
269
00:10:19,911 --> 00:10:21,412
Even that hollandaise sauce.
Give me that.
270
00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:24,999
(screams)
271
00:10:24,999 --> 00:10:27,293
Hey, Brian,
Meg's Benedict.
272
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:30,547
(forced laughter)
273
00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:31,923
Oh, God.
Ho, ho, ho.
274
00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,174
Stop. Stop.
275
00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:34,759
Stop.
I'm sorry I even said it.
276
00:10:34,759 --> 00:10:36,302
I'm so...
It was a mistake.
277
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:38,263
It was a mistake.
I'm sorry I said it.
278
00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:40,807
Peter, why don't you
and I grab some air, huh?
279
00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:43,309
Daddy, you're making a
fool out of yourself.
280
00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:44,686
Why are you
acting like this?
281
00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:46,146
Look, I've been
trying to get
282
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:48,314
into Reginald Barrington's
inner circle for years.
283
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:49,816
They've been
the most elite family
284
00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:51,526
in this country
ever since it was founded.
285
00:10:51,526 --> 00:10:54,154
They were the ones who invented
the buckle on the hat.
286
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:55,697
Hey, I like
your zipper hat.
287
00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:57,073
I like your zipper hat.
288
00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:58,700
Morning, fellas.
289
00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:02,203
Oh, that's gonna
be a game changer.
290
00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:04,038
Do you hunt, Peter?
291
00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:06,833
Well, I went to three
stores to find this shirt.
292
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:08,960
(laughs)
Peter, you-you've got moxie.
293
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,211
I like that.
294
00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:11,838
Hey, I've got moxie, too!
Watch this!
295
00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:14,215
♪ Carmen Miranda,
Carmen Miranda ♪
296
00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:15,466
♪ Was she a singer?
297
00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:16,843
♪ Was she a dancer?
298
00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:18,178
♪ Nobody knows
299
00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:19,804
♪ They just remember
the fruit. ♪
300
00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:22,098
Pewterschmidt,
you imbecile!
301
00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:24,184
You think that's funny,
wasting fruit?
302
00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:26,186
There are people dying
in hilarious places.
303
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,312
That is it!
304
00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:29,856
You are officially
kicked out of this club!
305
00:11:29,856 --> 00:11:30,982
What?
306
00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:32,358
Griffin,
we just had an opening.
307
00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:34,986
Congratulations,
you are now a member.
308
00:11:34,986 --> 00:11:36,237
Oh, my God, really?
309
00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:38,364
And to think,
yesterday I was just a guy
310
00:11:38,364 --> 00:11:40,366
at home eating catnip.
311
00:11:50,001 --> 00:11:51,377
Excuse me, Mr. Pewterschmidt,
312
00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:53,379
but you're no longer
a member at this club.
313
00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:54,881
Don't worry,
he's my guest.
314
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:56,007
Now, look, Peter,
315
00:11:56,007 --> 00:11:58,384
j-just because you're
a member now and I'm your guest,
316
00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:00,720
that doesn't mean things are
gonna change between us, right?
317
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,347
No, no, of course not.
318
00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:04,265
Excuse me a
moment, Carter.
319
00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:07,227
Hey, guys, I just bumped into
Carter Pewterschmidt outside.
320
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:08,269
What a loser, huh?
321
00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:09,729
(laughter)
322
00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:11,022
Okay, when he
wasn't looking,
323
00:12:11,022 --> 00:12:13,024
I stuck a springy
snake in his wallet.
324
00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:15,026
What? Aah!
325
00:12:15,026 --> 00:12:16,527
And I switched out
one of his eyeballs
326
00:12:16,527 --> 00:12:18,154
for a gag
exploding eyeball.
327
00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:19,113
What? That's impossib...
328
00:12:19,113 --> 00:12:20,240
Aah!
329
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,033
And then I paid a
couple of Mexicans
330
00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:24,118
to run over him
with their car.
331
00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:27,622
I hope they don't just take
the money and skip town.
332
00:12:30,291 --> 00:12:31,918
Okay, you ready
for some polo?
333
00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:33,253
All right,
this is more like it.
334
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:34,295
Where's Buttercup?
335
00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:36,256
Oh, only members
can ride Buttercup.
336
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:39,050
Guests have to ride Topsy
the Roid Rage Horse.
337
00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:40,301
(snorts)
338
00:12:40,301 --> 00:12:42,428
Now, whatever you do,
don't say his trigger word.
339
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:44,555
What? Aah! That's
his trigger word!
340
00:12:44,555 --> 00:12:46,432
(screaming)
341
00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:48,184
Don't yell! His parents
were slaughtered by yellers.
342
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:49,269
Just submit.
343
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,062
I am submitting!
It's getting worse!
344
00:12:51,062 --> 00:12:52,397
No, I mean really submit.
345
00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:53,940
Okay, okay!
346
00:12:53,940 --> 00:12:55,441
Oh, my God,
I meant say you're sorry,
347
00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:57,068
not take off your pants.
348
00:12:57,068 --> 00:12:59,570
Carter, what are you doing?
Oh, my God!
349
00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:01,823
And now that I've made you aware
of the misunderstanding,
350
00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:03,283
you're still continuing with it.
351
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:05,410
Oh, my God!
And I'm still watching.
352
00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:06,786
What's wrong with me?
353
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,329
Oh, my God!
354
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:15,461
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Game of Thrones on BET.
355
00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:18,172
I got a big-ass coat,
chair to sit in,
356
00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:20,174
chalice cup of wine
and a midget,
357
00:13:20,174 --> 00:13:21,592
but I ain't going out there
358
00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:23,344
with all them monsters
out there!
359
00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:26,097
(sobbing)
360
00:13:26,097 --> 00:13:27,974
Daddy, what
happened to you?
361
00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:30,184
I can't live
without the country club.
362
00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:31,311
You did this, Peter!
363
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:32,186
This is all your fault!
364
00:13:32,186 --> 00:13:33,980
I like your hair.
Well, Daddy,
365
00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:35,982
you've been treating
Peter like dirt for years.
366
00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:37,984
It's-it's choppier;
it's more texturized.
367
00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:40,611
Did you go to the Asian
guy with the one name?
368
00:13:40,611 --> 00:13:42,447
Well, now that you
know how it feels,
369
00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:44,198
maybe you want to
give him an apology.
370
00:13:44,198 --> 00:13:45,491
You went to Taki,
didn't you?
371
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:48,119
Look, Peter, I'm sorry
for the way I treated you,
372
00:13:48,119 --> 00:13:50,997
but is there anything you can do
to get me back in the club?
373
00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:52,623
Well, I suppose I could
talk to Barrington.
374
00:13:52,623 --> 00:13:54,000
Really? Oh, Peter,
375
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,626
you don't know
what this means to me.
376
00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:58,212
Oh, you know, I was so desperate
there for a while,
377
00:13:58,212 --> 00:13:59,339
I even tried a Jewish club.
378
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:00,840
Oh, you don't want
to get involved
379
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,133
with them
religious groups.
380
00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:04,135
They believe in all
kinds of weird stuff.
381
00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:05,970
If I believe
in Jesus hard enough,
382
00:14:05,970 --> 00:14:07,513
I will not die.
383
00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:09,515
If I believe
in Snake Jesus hard enough,
384
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:10,975
he will die.
385
00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:13,144
If I believe
in Tree Jesus hard enough,
386
00:14:13,144 --> 00:14:14,520
both of them will die.
387
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,022
(thunder booms)
388
00:14:16,022 --> 00:14:18,483
Yay! Thank you, Tree Jesus!
389
00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:20,151
(gunfire)
390
00:14:20,151 --> 00:14:22,278
Hey, Mr. Barrington.
391
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:23,154
Oh, hello, Peter.
392
00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:24,530
I'm so glad you're here.
393
00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:27,033
We're shooting bald guys
under five-seven today.
394
00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,368
Hey, there's the guy
395
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,244
who denied
my health insurance claim.
396
00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:31,662
Sir, your nipples are fine!
397
00:14:31,662 --> 00:14:33,664
You don't need
to reconstruct them!
398
00:14:33,664 --> 00:14:36,918
I want Hershey Kiss nipples,
and I want you to pay for them!
399
00:14:36,918 --> 00:14:38,753
Look, Mr. B.,
if it's okay with you,
400
00:14:38,753 --> 00:14:41,172
I'd like to give
my membership back to Carter.
401
00:14:41,172 --> 00:14:42,924
I'm sorry, Peter, but
I just don't think
402
00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:44,801
Pewterschmidt is
country club material.
403
00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:46,052
Now if you'll excuse me,
404
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:48,054
I'm about to shoot
Michael Stipe.
405
00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:49,889
(chuckles)
Is that...
406
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,182
Is that him
in the corner?
407
00:14:51,182 --> 00:14:52,558
Yes, that is him
in the corner.
408
00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:54,060
Is that him
in the spotlight?
409
00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,686
Would you...
Oh, damn it!
410
00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:56,896
Now he got away!
411
00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,689
Oh, no...
I said too much?
412
00:14:58,689 --> 00:15:00,191
I want you
out of here!
413
00:15:00,191 --> 00:15:02,276
Look, Mr. Barrington,
he's my father-in-law.
414
00:15:02,276 --> 00:15:04,195
So if he goes, I go.
415
00:15:04,195 --> 00:15:06,072
Fine, I don't care.
416
00:15:06,072 --> 00:15:08,574
Your low-brow antics no
longer amuse me, Griffin.
417
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:10,201
You're both out
of the club.
418
00:15:10,201 --> 00:15:11,702
Well, I guess that's it then.
419
00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:13,788
Oh, there is one
more thing, actually.
420
00:15:13,788 --> 00:15:16,082
Can you talk to that
angry little boy
421
00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:17,417
down by the river bank?
422
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,961
Uh, yeah, sure.
423
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,216
Hey, what's eating you?
424
00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:26,426
Grown-ups.
425
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,219
Yeah, grown-ups suck.
426
00:15:28,219 --> 00:15:30,096
Why do they get to make
all the rules?
427
00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:32,098
I know it seems
unfair, but, hey,
428
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:34,225
there ain't no rules
in a tickle fight.
429
00:15:34,225 --> 00:15:35,601
(laughter)
Stop!
430
00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:37,437
You're tickling!
431
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:39,063
Timmy, there you are!
432
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:40,356
Who the (bleep)
are you?!
433
00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:41,941
Get away from our son!
434
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:43,109
But Mr. Barrington
told me to...
435
00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:44,485
Who's Mr. Barrington?
436
00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:46,320
From the club.
What club?
437
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:48,114
You're in a lot
of trouble, mister.
438
00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:49,365
(screams)
439
00:15:55,329 --> 00:15:57,623
I'm sorry I got us both
kicked out, Carter.
440
00:15:57,623 --> 00:15:59,250
I was just trying
to help you out.
441
00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:02,253
Mr. Barrington told me
I couldn't see Amanda anymore.
442
00:16:02,253 --> 00:16:04,589
We never even got
a chance to have sex.
443
00:16:04,589 --> 00:16:08,134
Everyone knows rich, Waspy girls
are the best at it.
444
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:10,011
I'm really gonna miss that club.
445
00:16:10,011 --> 00:16:11,637
You know what part
I liked the most?
446
00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:13,347
Walking around
the locker room naked
447
00:16:13,347 --> 00:16:16,476
and offering people sections
of a tiny clementine.
448
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:17,768
Clementine?
449
00:16:17,768 --> 00:16:19,270
Oh, thank you.
450
00:16:19,270 --> 00:16:20,646
Clementine?
451
00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:21,647
None for
me, thanks.
452
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:22,773
Clementine?
453
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:24,400
Yes, thank you.
454
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:25,860
Clementine?
Yeah, I'll have one.
455
00:16:25,860 --> 00:16:27,153
Ooh, softly.
Sorry.
456
00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:28,654
(quietly):
Yes, I'll have one.
457
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:30,406
There you go.
458
00:16:30,406 --> 00:16:33,534
God, it's good
to be old and nude.
459
00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:35,495
Look, Carter,
you can't be that surprised.
460
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:36,787
I mean,
it's just human nature
461
00:16:36,787 --> 00:16:38,414
to suck up to the people
above you,
462
00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:40,875
crap on those beneath you
and undercut your equals.
463
00:16:40,875 --> 00:16:42,543
Well, then we just
got to figure out a way
464
00:16:42,543 --> 00:16:44,003
to make you fancier
than Barrington,
465
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,505
so he's got
to suck up to you.
466
00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:46,672
I don't know, Peter.
467
00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:48,299
That'd be pretty
tough to pull off.
468
00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:49,383
We just got to be bold.
469
00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:51,511
Like those
backwards-knee birds.
470
00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:53,513
Oh, what? What?
471
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,139
Oh, what? What are
you looking at?
472
00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:56,140
Oh, you coming for me?
473
00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:57,642
No, no, I'll just take
474
00:16:57,642 --> 00:17:00,144
a big backward-knee step
in the opposite direction.
475
00:17:00,144 --> 00:17:02,146
Yeah, yeah, you think
I'm afraid of you?
476
00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:05,608
I slept on your back
last night, you (bleep).
477
00:17:10,154 --> 00:17:11,739
Yes, I'll have
the filet mignon,
478
00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:13,783
and they can start
the sunset now.
479
00:17:13,783 --> 00:17:16,035
(helicopter approaches)
480
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,745
Someone important
must be arriving
481
00:17:17,745 --> 00:17:20,039
because they're making
a big entrance.
482
00:17:34,512 --> 00:17:36,264
(bugle plays)
483
00:17:36,264 --> 00:17:39,183
Announcing the arrival
of His and His Majesty,
484
00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:41,185
the exceedingly wealthy
and very important
485
00:17:41,185 --> 00:17:43,396
Viscount James Earl
Tennis Racquet,
486
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:45,314
and Duke of
Lacrosse Team.
487
00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:47,567
Hello, I'm Reginald
Barrington.
488
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,694
Where are you fine
gentlemen from?
489
00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:51,028
We are European,
490
00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:52,905
from the United
Coloreds of Benetton.
491
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:54,949
But you don't sound
like you're from Europe.
492
00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:56,200
Is that so?
493
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,411
Well, perhaps I should take
my thong elsewhere.
494
00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:00,413
Well, let's
not be hasty.
495
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:03,291
Your Majesty, won't
you please join me
496
00:18:03,291 --> 00:18:06,043
as my personal guests
in the Barrington Room?
497
00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:07,420
The Barrington Room?!
498
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:09,922
Peter, that's the most exclusive
room in all of New England.
499
00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:12,300
Yeah, I hear it's even
harder to get in there
500
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:13,718
than the University
of Arizona.
501
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,219
Well, it's beating.
502
00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:17,972
Welcome to the Wildcats.
503
00:18:17,972 --> 00:18:19,974
This is the
Barrington Room.
504
00:18:19,974 --> 00:18:21,350
Have a seat in
the deepest,
505
00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:24,854
most luxurious leather chair
in the world.
506
00:18:26,731 --> 00:18:29,609
(sighs):
Oh, that's nice.
507
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:31,944
Sir, may I offer you
a shoe drink?
508
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:34,322
Why, yes, that'd
be lovely.
509
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,367
(sighs):
Ah, the finer things.
510
00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:40,369
So, what brings
you gentlemen to town?
511
00:18:40,369 --> 00:18:41,621
We're here on business.
512
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:43,247
In fact, we just
came from a meeting
513
00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:45,249
with the venerable
Carter Pewterschmidt.
514
00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:46,375
Outstanding man.
515
00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:47,752
Really? Yeah, well,
516
00:18:47,752 --> 00:18:50,463
he used to be a member here,
but he was very annoying.
517
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,340
Oh, my, that's-that's
surprising.
518
00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:54,967
L-I've heard he has quite
the blue-blood pedigree.
519
00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:56,761
You know, he got a
piece of Jackie Kennedy
520
00:18:56,761 --> 00:18:59,388
before she was defiled by
that hairy olive-eater.
521
00:18:59,388 --> 00:19:01,390
Yeah, and-and
he once made me
522
00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:03,142
a grilled cheese
sandwich after this.
523
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,478
Well, I wasn't sure
about Pewterschmidt,
524
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:07,146
but after hearing
you gentlemen talk,
525
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,273
maybe I could give him
another chance.
526
00:19:09,273 --> 00:19:10,483
Really?
Oh, wow!
527
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:12,276
That's great news,
Carter. You're back in!
528
00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:13,778
Hey, let's get a
couple of girls
529
00:19:13,778 --> 00:19:16,155
and have seventh-grade-in-
the-same-room-make-outs.
530
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:18,282
"Carter"? Wait a minute.
531
00:19:18,282 --> 00:19:19,784
You're not
Duke of Lacrosse Team!
532
00:19:19,784 --> 00:19:22,912
And you're not Viscount
James Earl Tennis Racquet!
533
00:19:22,912 --> 00:19:24,288
Security!
534
00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:26,165
Come throw these frauds
out of my club!
535
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,792
Damn it, Peter,
you blew it!
536
00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:30,169
(screams) I knew I
couldn't depend on you!
537
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,380
You're not worthy to lick
my designer shoes,
538
00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:33,798
you fat, low-life slob!
539
00:19:33,798 --> 00:19:35,299
But, Carter, please!
540
00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:38,302
Here, skip this rope and do
a lively schoolgirl chant.
541
00:19:38,302 --> 00:19:40,179
But, Carter, I don't know
any city girl rhymes.
542
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,806
Do it!
543
00:19:41,806 --> 00:19:44,308
(chanting): Lettuce,
carrots, peppers and peas.
544
00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:46,686
Your mother says to
got to have these.
545
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,437
Now do it double time
with new vegetables!
546
00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:50,690
Cabbage, taters,
spinach and peas.
547
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:52,024
You already said "peas"!
548
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:54,527
I don't know any
more vegetables.
549
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,946
Wait a second,
hang on there.
550
00:19:56,946 --> 00:19:59,824
The way you abused
that man just now,
551
00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:01,575
the way you treated
your lesser--
552
00:20:01,575 --> 00:20:03,953
I underestimated you,
Pewterschmidt.
553
00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:06,205
I thought you were just
some suck-up loser,
554
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:07,707
but you have shown me
555
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:09,917
that you've got the mettle
to be one of us.
556
00:20:09,917 --> 00:20:11,168
You are back in the club.
557
00:20:11,168 --> 00:20:13,045
Oh, thank you,
Mr. Barrington!
558
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:16,173
Yes. Now, I believe
there is just one last piece
559
00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:18,467
of unfinished business
to take care of here.
560
00:20:20,928 --> 00:20:22,972
(groans)
561
00:20:22,972 --> 00:20:25,433
I'm sorry, but the Viscount
James Earl Tennis Racquet
562
00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:28,185
and Duke of Lacrosse Team
already arrived two hours ago.
563
00:20:28,185 --> 00:20:30,730
But that's impossible!
564
00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:35,735
Peter, I'm sorry
565
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:37,945
you've got to give up
the country club life.
566
00:20:37,945 --> 00:20:39,196
Oh, that's okay, Lois.
567
00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:40,614
'Cause you know,
I got to say,
568
00:20:40,614 --> 00:20:42,700
I don't think those rich guys
have it all that great.
569
00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:44,243
Too much stress.
570
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,244
You know,
you give me the choice,
571
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,204
I'll choose our life
any day of the week.
572
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:48,372
Me, too, Peter.
573
00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:50,374
Can I have $50 to
get my hair cut?
574
00:20:50,374 --> 00:20:52,209
Absolutely not.
That's a waste of money.
575
00:20:52,209 --> 00:20:53,586
I will cut it myself.
576
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:55,129
(snipping)
577
00:20:55,129 --> 00:20:57,339
You look like garbage.
What happened?