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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
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TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to
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How David Lynch Stole Christmas.
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(BOX RATTLING)
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Hello. I got you a present.
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It's a thumb. (SCREAMS)
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Don't look away.
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Let the fear wash over you.
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I don't understand.
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That's the whole point.
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Now, did you leave a plate
of black coffee out for me?
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- No.
- In the future,
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please leave a plate of
black coffee out for me.
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Also in the past.
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You guys, what are you
doing watching TV?
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- It's snowing.
- Really?
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Wow, it's so beautiful!
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Isn't it?
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And you know what's a miracle, kids?
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Every single snowflake is exactly alike.
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I don't think that's right.
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No, it's true. Just like fingerprints.
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All right, you guys ready for church?
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Church? What are you, an idiot?
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It's the first snow of the season.
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We're going sledding.
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Please, can we, Mom?
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Well, I mean, it's Sunday, and...
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Come on, Lois. After all,
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sledding was the second
passion of the Christ.
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Eat this, for this is my dust!
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My sled has Dora on it
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'cause my parents got it at a yard sale.
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It's still for boys though.
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She's about language
acquisition, not gender.
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Sorry, fun-seekers,
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this hill is closed to sledding.
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What? What are you talking about?
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Too many pansy-ass parents sue the city
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when their kids sprain a finger
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or crush their skull on a bumper.
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I'm afraid sledding has
been banned in Quahog.
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You can't do that! Last time I checked,
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this is still the United States of Tara.
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Obscure reference.
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And I'm not gonna let anybody tell me
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where I can and cannot sled!
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Yeah, you're right.
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Power to the people!
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The whole world is watching!
The whole world is watching!
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What... what just happened?
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Who cares? Last one down the hill...
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- (CRASH)
- Oh, my God!
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MAYOR WEST: Call my mom!
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I crushed my skull on a bumper!
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(SHOUTING, LAUGHING)
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You serious? All this white
stuff used to be water?
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Mm. My word.
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Joe, what are you riding on?
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Oh, it's a bedpan.
I got a ton of these at home.
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You make every activity incredibly sad.
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(PANTING)
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There you are. Where have you been?
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I just ran home to get the big sled
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out of our dining room.
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What are you talking about?
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We don't have a sled in our dining room.
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Everybody on!
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Peter, the dining room
table is an antique.
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It's been in my family
for six generations.
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It's fine.
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Okay, now, since we're white guys
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doing something stupid,
everybody grab a GoPro.
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(ALL SHOUTING, LAUGHING)
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PETER: Yeah, this is awesome!
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Oh, we're drifting.
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W-We're turning. We're turning!
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MEG: Dad, I'm scared.
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CHRIS: We're backwards!
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PETER: Am I the only one
who thinks that now
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we're at an alarming speed?
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(THUMPING, CRASHING)
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(CAR ALARM WAILING)
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(ALL GROANING)
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Peter, are you insane?!
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You could have killed the entire family!
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Sorry, Lois. I honestly thought
this was gonna be fun.
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Like when I won that sex contest.
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PETER: First again!
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Wasn't even close, was it?
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LOIS: No, Peter, it wasn't even close.
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PETER: Yeah, you are terrible at this.
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Now, why don't you clean up
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and go get the champ a Gatorade, huh?
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You wearing pants always amuses me.
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Yeah, I know. It's just
I got roped into going
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to some stupid office Christmas party
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with this girl I'm dating.
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Really? I thought you just went
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to an office Christmas
party with her last week.
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What? Oh, no, um...
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No, that-that was
this other girl I was dating.
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Um, her name was... Kow-ooch.
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Did you just say "couch,"
but pronounce it strangely
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so it sounded like a name?
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What's going on, Brian?
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(SIGHS) All right, look,
I've been crashing
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office Christmas parties
for the free booze
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and drunk women who don't want
to spend the holidays alone.
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Oh, so you're a Christmas party creep.
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Just like the fat man is
a pool party creep.
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Now, Chris, you're getting older,
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so it's time for you to learn
the classic pool party game
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"Talk to Somebody's Wife in a Bikini
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Until They Cover Up Uncomfortably."
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So, Bonnie, how are things going?
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Oh, things are fine.
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Been kind of busy lately,
what with Susie starting to...
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Okay, bye.
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Man, that's, like, two seconds.
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Hey, Peter. Hey, what have you
been watching on TV lately?
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Oh, you know, this and that.
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There's a show called Shipping Wars.
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Uh, it's actually kinda... Okay, bye.
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Oh, boy, the Marshalls
is now a Nordstrom.
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I feel like our days at
this mall are numbered.
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Well, we have $60.
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Let's see what kind of
Chinese pressed-board garbage
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we can get to replace my grandmother's
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priceless mahogany table.
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Dad, look, Santa's here!
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I want to sit on his lap.
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Geez, Chris, come on.
You're in high school.
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I'm gonna ask him for
a family trampoline.
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Holy crap, get your ass up there!
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(SIGHS) You know what, Peter?
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I'll get the table myself.
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And then I might just sit in that car
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in the middle of the mall and cry.
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Geez, look at this line.
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Yeah, no kidding. And it's not moving.
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Me and my adopted son have
been waiting quite a while.
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Wait, what... Why did you...
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I didn't even ask.
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So is your son a biolog?
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What... I'm not...
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I-I don't watch Modern Family, sorry.
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Hey, Chris, wait here.
I'm gonna see what's going on.
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Hey, Muscles, what's taking so long?
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I'm sorry, sir. This may shock you,
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but it turns out the
seasonal Santa we hired
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has a drinking problem.
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And I don't know where
to find a replacement
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on such short notice.
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Hey, you're a hefty guy.
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I called you "Muscles."
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Would you mind putting on the suit
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and playing Santa,
just until the shift ends?
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I'd pay you for your time.
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All right, fine.
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I mean, it's not the first time
I pretended to be someone else.
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I once dressed as a farmer
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to get a date on FarmersOnly.com.
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Are you Peter?
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Yeah. A-Are you the gross lady
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who lives in the
converted horse trailer?
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♪ You don't have to be lonely ♪
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♪ At FarmersOnly.com ♪
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It doesn't say "whites only,"
but... yeah.
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'Sup? Slammin' pantsuit.
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Hey, I'm Scott Fitzgerald.
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You probably don't recognize me
'cause I'm in corporate.
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So am I. This is corporate.
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(CHUCKLES) A little
too much so, if you ask me.
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I... I try to have fun, right?
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I-I mean, we're not,
we're not landing planes here.
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Our company manufactures
aircraft landing gear systems.
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Yep, uh-huh.
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Well, I am going to fly us over
a few more drinks.
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(IMITATING PLANE ENGINE)
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Stewie? What are you doing here?
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I followed you. I had to see for myself
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just how desperate and
pathetic you really are.
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And don't worry, I'm not sticking around
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this sad little... Ooh!
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Is that rolled-up ham for everyone?
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Yeah. Okay.
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Well, I'll see you at home...
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WOMAN: Hey, everyone,
karaoke's starting!
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Well, I could watch and make fun
200
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for just a few... Oh, my God!
201
00:07:23,572 --> 00:07:25,372
They have a photo booth
with funny props!
202
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Oh, I call the big funny glasses!
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♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell ♪
(CAMERA CLICKING)
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♪ Jingle bell rock ♪
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♪ Jingle bell swing ♪
206
00:07:33,214 --> 00:07:35,682
♪ And jingle bells ring... ♪
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00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:41,188
And I want a tricycle and a pony
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00:07:41,189 --> 00:07:42,756
and an American Girl doll
209
00:07:42,757 --> 00:07:45,192
and a drone with a camera
and a gun that fires...
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00:07:45,193 --> 00:07:47,493
Ho, ho, ho. Yeah, sure, all of it.
211
00:07:48,530 --> 00:07:50,197
All right, now, go pick up your picture.
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00:07:50,198 --> 00:07:51,699
And before you go crying to your mom,
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that's my cell phone you're feeling.
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Hey, Santa Claus, you going home soon?
215
00:07:58,073 --> 00:08:00,240
Well, depending on how traffic is
216
00:08:00,241 --> 00:08:02,109
- at the North Pole.
- (CHUCKLES)
217
00:08:02,110 --> 00:08:03,544
So what can I get for you today?
218
00:08:03,545 --> 00:08:04,912
Milk and cookies?
219
00:08:04,913 --> 00:08:06,313
(CHUCKLES) Oh, okay.
220
00:08:06,314 --> 00:08:07,414
Sorry I started this.
221
00:08:07,415 --> 00:08:08,782
Chicken burrito, please.
222
00:08:08,783 --> 00:08:11,051
There you go. Merry Christmas.
223
00:08:11,052 --> 00:08:12,252
Uh, how much do I, uh...
224
00:08:12,253 --> 00:08:14,421
Oh, come on, I'm not
charging Santa Claus.
225
00:08:14,422 --> 00:08:15,489
It's on the house.
226
00:08:15,490 --> 00:08:16,632
This is free because
227
00:08:16,634 --> 00:08:18,125
I'm dressed as Santa?
228
00:08:18,126 --> 00:08:20,327
That's right. Anything for Santa.
229
00:08:20,328 --> 00:08:21,362
Anything?
230
00:08:21,363 --> 00:08:23,130
Holy crap, this is awesome!
231
00:08:23,131 --> 00:08:24,431
I'm Santa Claus.
232
00:08:24,432 --> 00:08:26,499
In this suit I'm like a god.
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00:08:28,470 --> 00:08:31,572
(SOBBING)
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00:08:31,573 --> 00:08:33,118
I got a free burrito!
235
00:08:39,692 --> 00:08:41,841
Ugh, look at these two lumps.
236
00:08:41,842 --> 00:08:44,144
♪ Up on the housetop
click, click, click ♪
237
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♪ Slipped on the chimney
and broke his... ♪
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00:08:46,247 --> 00:08:47,380
Mornin'. ♪ Penis ♪
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Dad, why are you still
wearing that Santa suit?
240
00:08:50,218 --> 00:08:51,585
Well, the guy at the mall asked me
241
00:08:51,586 --> 00:08:53,420
to stay on till Christmas,
and I said yes,
242
00:08:53,421 --> 00:08:54,754
'cause being Santa's awesome.
243
00:08:54,755 --> 00:08:56,857
You wear this suit,
it's like a free pass.
244
00:08:56,858 --> 00:08:58,358
People let you do anything you want.
245
00:08:58,359 --> 00:08:59,759
What are you talking about?
246
00:08:59,761 --> 00:09:01,846
Oh, it's the stuff of dreams, Lois.
247
00:09:01,848 --> 00:09:04,899
Free burritos, free orange
chicken, free pretzels.
248
00:09:04,901 --> 00:09:06,466
Did you make it out of the food court?
249
00:09:06,467 --> 00:09:07,634
I made it to the border.
250
00:09:07,635 --> 00:09:10,136
I got a free iPhone case
and a tiny license plate.
251
00:09:10,137 --> 00:09:11,438
It says "Corey."
252
00:09:11,439 --> 00:09:13,807
Yep. Cost me zilch.
253
00:09:18,980 --> 00:09:21,147
So, who's this "Mary Christmas"
254
00:09:21,148 --> 00:09:22,582
everybody keeps talking about?
255
00:09:22,583 --> 00:09:24,351
(LAUGHS) Oh...
256
00:09:24,352 --> 00:09:26,353
that's very clever.
257
00:09:26,354 --> 00:09:27,554
I don't recognize you.
258
00:09:27,555 --> 00:09:29,022
Which department are you in?
259
00:09:29,023 --> 00:09:31,524
Well, right now I'm in Boob Assessment.
260
00:09:31,525 --> 00:09:32,826
Eww.
261
00:09:32,827 --> 00:09:35,165
Hey, you were right about
office Christmas parties.
262
00:09:35,167 --> 00:09:36,835
- They're fantastic!
- Uh-huh, okay.
263
00:09:36,837 --> 00:09:38,271
I'm gonna keep looking around the room
264
00:09:38,273 --> 00:09:39,306
while you talk.
265
00:09:39,308 --> 00:09:41,076
Yes, it's like watching a soap opera,
266
00:09:41,077 --> 00:09:42,711
what with all the drunken misbehavior
267
00:09:42,712 --> 00:09:44,112
and ill-advised hookups.
268
00:09:44,113 --> 00:09:46,066
And down the hall they're
doing a "white elephant."
269
00:09:46,068 --> 00:09:47,333
Oh, that gift-exchange thing?
270
00:09:47,334 --> 00:09:50,036
No, there's a fat secretary
taking on all comers.
271
00:09:50,037 --> 00:09:52,405
Where, uh, uh, which office is that in?
272
00:09:52,406 --> 00:09:53,806
Oh, you won't miss her.
She's still wearing
273
00:09:53,807 --> 00:09:55,174
the felt antlers.
274
00:09:55,175 --> 00:09:57,242
Absolute freak show in there.
275
00:09:58,445 --> 00:09:59,912
Hey, what the hell's going on?
276
00:09:59,913 --> 00:10:01,581
Oh, Santa. I-I'm sorry.
277
00:10:01,582 --> 00:10:02,915
I didn't realize this was your car.
278
00:10:02,916 --> 00:10:05,017
That's right. Now,
crumple up that ticket.
279
00:10:06,387 --> 00:10:07,658
Now eat it!
280
00:10:08,856 --> 00:10:10,556
All right, now we're
gonna go to your home
281
00:10:10,557 --> 00:10:11,791
and wait for you to pass it,
282
00:10:11,792 --> 00:10:13,593
and then you're gonna eat it again.
283
00:10:13,594 --> 00:10:15,695
Hey, honey, this is Santa.
284
00:10:15,696 --> 00:10:17,330
He's gonna come in
and watch me in the bathroom.
285
00:10:17,331 --> 00:10:18,731
Oh, just like the Easter Bunny did.
286
00:10:18,732 --> 00:10:19,999
Exactly.
287
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:22,234
I got a lot of guys coming through here.
288
00:10:24,571 --> 00:10:26,139
ANNOUNCER: The next composition is
289
00:10:26,140 --> 00:10:28,975
Opus Dei, Dei Dei Pater,
290
00:10:28,976 --> 00:10:31,410
seventh movement, by Chopin.
291
00:10:32,613 --> 00:10:34,847
(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)
292
00:10:34,848 --> 00:10:37,942
ANNOUNCER:
Correction. The next composition
293
00:10:37,944 --> 00:10:41,944
is 1-877-Kars-4-Kids.
294
00:10:42,453 --> 00:10:44,457
(SYMPHONIC MUSIC BEGINS PLAYING)
295
00:10:44,458 --> 00:10:48,428
♪ 1-877-Kars-4-Kids ♪
296
00:10:48,429 --> 00:10:52,131
♪ K-A-R-S Kars-4-Kids ♪
297
00:10:52,132 --> 00:10:55,501
♪ 1-877-Kars-4-Kids ♪
298
00:10:55,502 --> 00:10:59,305
♪ Donate your car today... ♪
299
00:11:00,171 --> 00:11:02,457
I lost my virginity to this song.
300
00:11:05,813 --> 00:11:08,114
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
301
00:11:08,325 --> 00:11:09,692
Ugh, this party's a dud.
302
00:11:09,694 --> 00:11:10,583
Yeah, no kidding.
303
00:11:10,584 --> 00:11:12,452
That lady turned off a Hall & Oates song
304
00:11:12,453 --> 00:11:14,187
because it was "too provocative."
305
00:11:14,188 --> 00:11:15,555
FEMALE EMPLOYEE:
Everyone, let's remember,
306
00:11:15,556 --> 00:11:17,090
this is still a workplace.
307
00:11:17,091 --> 00:11:18,224
MALE EMPLOYEE: Sorry, Barb.
308
00:11:18,225 --> 00:11:19,826
You know what? I got an idea.
309
00:11:19,827 --> 00:11:23,396
I'm gonna stir up some drama,
make this party interesting.
310
00:11:23,397 --> 00:11:24,831
(CLINKING)
311
00:11:24,832 --> 00:11:27,632
Excuse me? Uh, could I have
your attention please? Hi.
312
00:11:27,668 --> 00:11:30,303
Hi, I'm Chadwick Redmayne
from the regional office.
313
00:11:30,304 --> 00:11:32,872
Unfortunately, since people
only use printers now
314
00:11:32,873 --> 00:11:35,341
to print out boarding passes
for their grandparents,
315
00:11:35,342 --> 00:11:38,344
40% of you will
be laid off as of Monday.
316
00:11:38,345 --> 00:11:41,180
Oh, and whoever drinks
the most shots keeps their job.
317
00:11:41,181 --> 00:11:43,181
(ALL GASP)
318
00:11:45,285 --> 00:11:48,054
See? That's how you get a party started.
319
00:11:48,055 --> 00:11:50,089
Mr. Redmayne, I don't know who you are,
320
00:11:50,090 --> 00:11:52,558
but I've been in charge of
this office for 16 years...
321
00:11:52,559 --> 00:11:54,460
- Sad.
- And I want to thank you.
322
00:11:54,461 --> 00:11:56,529
I've been trying to reduce
our staff costs for months,
323
00:11:56,530 --> 00:11:58,397
but just didn't have the guts to do it,
324
00:11:58,398 --> 00:11:59,765
much less before Christmas.
325
00:11:59,766 --> 00:12:02,301
Yeah, well, that's why
they send in Channing Redwick,
326
00:12:02,302 --> 00:12:04,370
or Chadmayne, or whatever,
327
00:12:04,371 --> 00:12:05,805
I don't even remember what I said.
328
00:12:05,806 --> 00:12:07,740
We could use someone
like you around here.
329
00:12:07,741 --> 00:12:10,150
Welcome aboard. See you Monday.
330
00:12:11,011 --> 00:12:13,045
Wow, a paying, grown-up job!
331
00:12:13,046 --> 00:12:14,714
I haven't been this excited
about anything
332
00:12:14,715 --> 00:12:17,316
since the night Wicked
premiered in Quahog.
333
00:12:17,317 --> 00:12:19,753
All right, Brian,
let's rob these gay guys.
334
00:12:19,755 --> 00:12:20,653
What if they're home?
335
00:12:20,654 --> 00:12:22,105
They're not gonna be home.
336
00:12:22,523 --> 00:12:25,525
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
337
00:12:25,526 --> 00:12:27,727
WOMEN: Bye, Santa!
338
00:12:27,728 --> 00:12:29,228
(SLURRING): Bye, strippers!
339
00:12:29,229 --> 00:12:31,497
Uh, you can all take
your clothes off now,
340
00:12:31,498 --> 00:12:33,498
I was just comin' in for the spaghetti.
341
00:12:36,603 --> 00:12:38,070
Aah! Bitch!
342
00:12:38,071 --> 00:12:39,605
Ah, that hurts.
343
00:12:39,606 --> 00:12:41,674
Ah, I'm drunk.
344
00:12:41,675 --> 00:12:43,141
Heart's beatin' fast.
345
00:12:47,381 --> 00:12:49,448
Spaghetti angel!
346
00:12:49,449 --> 00:12:52,018
I'm makin' a spaghetti angel.
347
00:12:52,019 --> 00:12:54,187
When Italian guys die, they...
348
00:12:54,188 --> 00:12:55,755
they turn into...
349
00:12:55,756 --> 00:12:56,889
into...
350
00:12:56,890 --> 00:13:00,025
into... (SNORING)
351
00:13:01,228 --> 00:13:02,395
MAN: Peter.
352
00:13:02,396 --> 00:13:04,863
Peter Griffin.
353
00:13:05,866 --> 00:13:08,634
Peter? We need to talk.
354
00:13:08,635 --> 00:13:10,436
Who... (GROANS) Who are you?
355
00:13:10,437 --> 00:13:12,638
I'm the real Santa Claus.
356
00:13:12,639 --> 00:13:16,209
Awesome! Okay, my first wish
is for a thousand wishes.
357
00:13:16,210 --> 00:13:18,277
- Yes!
- That's not me. That's a genie.
358
00:13:18,278 --> 00:13:20,813
Okay, then my first wish is for a genie.
359
00:13:20,814 --> 00:13:22,515
Again, you'd need a genie.
360
00:13:22,516 --> 00:13:23,679
How wasted are you?
361
00:13:23,681 --> 00:13:24,904
Don't judge me.
362
00:13:24,906 --> 00:13:26,216
You live in a bottle.
363
00:13:26,218 --> 00:13:28,208
It's a lamp. And I'm not a genie!
364
00:13:34,671 --> 00:13:36,005
All right, come on now, pal, seriously,
365
00:13:36,006 --> 00:13:37,173
who are you really?
366
00:13:37,174 --> 00:13:39,485
I already told you, I'm Santa Claus.
367
00:13:39,487 --> 00:13:40,309
Oh, yeah?
368
00:13:40,310 --> 00:13:42,311
Well, if you're Santa,
then what did I ask for
369
00:13:42,312 --> 00:13:44,680
- for Christmas when I was 12?
- Nothing.
370
00:13:44,681 --> 00:13:46,182
Because it was the year
you found that Penthouse
371
00:13:46,183 --> 00:13:47,183
in the woods.
372
00:13:47,184 --> 00:13:49,418
(GASPS) You really are Santa!
373
00:13:49,419 --> 00:13:51,253
Am I really heavier than you?
374
00:13:51,254 --> 00:13:53,456
I-I got to, I got to take control.
375
00:13:53,457 --> 00:13:55,524
Look, I'm not very happy with you.
376
00:13:55,525 --> 00:13:57,760
You can't go around in that suit
pretending you're me
377
00:13:57,761 --> 00:13:59,595
and acting like a complete jackass.
378
00:13:59,596 --> 00:14:01,263
What are you talking about?
People love me.
379
00:14:01,264 --> 00:14:02,565
They give me free stuff.
380
00:14:02,566 --> 00:14:04,266
No, they love me.
381
00:14:04,267 --> 00:14:06,602
You're just exploiting
my brand for personal gain
382
00:14:06,603 --> 00:14:08,504
and destroying my reputation.
383
00:14:08,505 --> 00:14:10,106
So there's, like, no
toilet on the sleigh,
384
00:14:10,107 --> 00:14:11,507
so you're, you're just,
385
00:14:11,508 --> 00:14:13,309
you're just crapping in
people's houses, right?
386
00:14:13,310 --> 00:14:14,310
You're not hearing me.
387
00:14:14,311 --> 00:14:16,579
Stop wearing that suit, or else.
388
00:14:16,580 --> 00:14:18,047
Or else what?
389
00:14:18,048 --> 00:14:22,451
Or else I will put you
at the top of my naughty list.
390
00:14:22,452 --> 00:14:24,553
You know, you're not talking
to a little kid anymore,
391
00:14:24,554 --> 00:14:26,222
so get the hell out of my face, Santa.
392
00:14:26,223 --> 00:14:28,224
I like this suit, and I'm keeping it.
393
00:14:28,225 --> 00:14:29,492
Now, if you'll excuse me,
394
00:14:29,493 --> 00:14:31,627
you're standing in my
strip club spaghetti.
395
00:14:31,628 --> 00:14:34,029
I got to get this home
to my family for supper.
396
00:14:35,565 --> 00:14:38,734
(ENGINE STARTS)
397
00:14:38,735 --> 00:14:40,636
You better watch out.
398
00:14:40,637 --> 00:14:43,639
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC STING)
399
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:44,873
(CLUB MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND)
400
00:14:52,115 --> 00:14:53,449
Gail?
401
00:14:53,450 --> 00:14:55,117
Gail, is your Internet working?
402
00:14:55,118 --> 00:14:56,118
Mine's slow.
403
00:14:56,119 --> 00:14:59,855
(GAIL SOBS AND SNIFFLES)
404
00:14:59,856 --> 00:15:01,657
Oh, my God, Gail, what happened?
405
00:15:01,658 --> 00:15:04,960
I just found out I'm part
of the downsizing you announced.
406
00:15:04,961 --> 00:15:05,988
Oh, no.
407
00:15:06,363 --> 00:15:08,297
So your Internet, is it...
408
00:15:08,298 --> 00:15:09,565
is it slow?
409
00:15:09,566 --> 00:15:12,468
Gail, you were supposed
to be gone an hour ago.
410
00:15:12,469 --> 00:15:13,669
Hey, give her a break, man.
411
00:15:13,670 --> 00:15:15,538
This is Gail Devereaux-Slansky.
412
00:15:15,539 --> 00:15:18,040
Oh, it's just Gail Devereaux now.
413
00:15:18,041 --> 00:15:19,575
Oof. Tough week.
414
00:15:19,576 --> 00:15:21,077
Why don't you stop rubbernecking
415
00:15:21,078 --> 00:15:23,679
and finish that
payroll report I asked for?
416
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:25,781
I can't believe I got fired.
417
00:15:25,782 --> 00:15:28,150
And right before the holidays.
418
00:15:28,151 --> 00:15:30,219
Oh, God, I've ruined Christmas.
419
00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:33,889
Like the Little Drummer Boy when
he got really into Neil Peart.
420
00:15:33,890 --> 00:15:36,158
(DRUMMING)
421
00:15:36,159 --> 00:15:39,328
♪ Our finest gifts we bring ♪
422
00:15:39,329 --> 00:15:42,164
♪ Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum ♪
423
00:15:42,165 --> 00:15:43,998
(COMPLEX DRUM SOLO)
424
00:15:58,181 --> 00:16:00,883
(GONG CRASHES, STICKS CRACK)
425
00:16:00,884 --> 00:16:02,796
Christmas is gonna be sick!
426
00:16:07,591 --> 00:16:09,992
So, Dad, now that you made Santa mad,
427
00:16:09,993 --> 00:16:12,361
aren't you scared he's gonna
do something bad to you?
428
00:16:12,362 --> 00:16:13,596
Ah, Santa's all talk.
429
00:16:13,597 --> 00:16:14,663
He ain't gonna do nothing.
430
00:16:14,664 --> 00:16:15,663
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
431
00:16:17,367 --> 00:16:18,400
Hey, Peter.
432
00:16:18,401 --> 00:16:19,935
Ready to go to Build-A-Bear?
433
00:16:19,936 --> 00:16:21,437
What? What are you talking about?
434
00:16:21,438 --> 00:16:22,438
I got your text.
435
00:16:22,439 --> 00:16:24,507
It says, "Hey, Joe, cancel your plans.
436
00:16:24,508 --> 00:16:26,609
Let's go to Build-A-Bear."
I didn't send you a...
437
00:16:26,610 --> 00:16:28,744
Oh, son of a bitch, Santa.
438
00:16:28,745 --> 00:16:30,479
Joe, I did not send you a text.
439
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:32,815
Well, you sent another text that says,
440
00:16:32,816 --> 00:16:36,318
"Hey, Joe, it's definitely me,
Peter, who sent the text."
441
00:16:36,319 --> 00:16:38,921
Damn it, he covered all bases.
442
00:16:38,922 --> 00:16:39,955
What do you think, Peter?
443
00:16:39,956 --> 00:16:42,024
Maybe a little sun hat for Cindy?
444
00:16:42,025 --> 00:16:44,260
Whatever, I'm done with my bear.
Let's get out of here.
445
00:16:44,261 --> 00:16:46,896
Well, the text you sent
earlier would disagree.
446
00:16:46,897 --> 00:16:48,998
You said, "No matter what I say,
447
00:16:48,999 --> 00:16:51,033
I want to build multiple bears."
448
00:16:51,034 --> 00:16:53,402
Joe, I swear to you,
I do not want to do that.
449
00:16:53,403 --> 00:16:54,470
(PHONE VIBRATES)
450
00:16:54,471 --> 00:16:57,772
News flash, Peter, looks like you do.
451
00:17:00,810 --> 00:17:03,913
Would anyone like to lead
the family in a holiday prayer?
452
00:17:03,914 --> 00:17:06,682
I'll tell you who should be
saying his prayers, Santa.
453
00:17:06,683 --> 00:17:08,651
He messes with me, I mess with him.
454
00:17:08,652 --> 00:17:10,953
That's why I replaced
one of his flying reindeer
455
00:17:10,954 --> 00:17:13,455
with an ordinary, non-magical one.
456
00:17:13,456 --> 00:17:14,823
(WIND BLOWING, BELLS JINGLING)
457
00:17:14,824 --> 00:17:16,559
(BELLOWING)
458
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:18,227
Cut it off, cut it off!
459
00:17:18,228 --> 00:17:21,196
(CONTINUES BELLOWING AND WHINNYING)
460
00:17:22,999 --> 00:17:25,367
You know, I think this year
is gonna be the best...
461
00:17:25,368 --> 00:17:27,036
(LOUD CRASH, PLATES SHATTER)
462
00:17:27,037 --> 00:17:29,370
Yay, free horse!
463
00:17:32,409 --> 00:17:33,942
(DOORBELL RINGS)
464
00:17:39,416 --> 00:17:40,416
What the hell?
465
00:17:40,417 --> 00:17:42,384
Hey, Chris, get in here.
466
00:17:42,385 --> 00:17:43,886
This is impossible, right?
467
00:17:43,887 --> 00:17:45,854
All of Meg's farts here in this box?
468
00:17:45,855 --> 00:17:47,323
I would think that's impossible.
469
00:17:47,324 --> 00:17:49,123
Yeah, right? That's impossible.
470
00:17:51,094 --> 00:17:53,061
Is this the box? Yeah, that's it.
471
00:17:55,599 --> 00:17:57,399
Yeah, that's impossible.
I know, it's impossible.
472
00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,101
Right... O-okay, all right,
I'm opening it.
473
00:17:59,102 --> 00:18:01,870
Unless whoever sent it was magic.
474
00:18:01,871 --> 00:18:04,572
Oh, well, now that's interesting.
475
00:18:08,945 --> 00:18:10,779
Chad, we got to talk about this report.
476
00:18:10,780 --> 00:18:12,781
Why do you write all
your twos backwards?
477
00:18:12,782 --> 00:18:14,683
Well, you know it's a two,
so why are we talking?
478
00:18:14,684 --> 00:18:17,219
Fix it, or you're fired.
479
00:18:17,220 --> 00:18:18,254
You know what?
480
00:18:18,255 --> 00:18:19,622
I thought working in a cubicle
481
00:18:19,623 --> 00:18:21,290
at a mid-sized printing company
482
00:18:21,291 --> 00:18:23,158
would be the adventure of a lifetime.
483
00:18:23,159 --> 00:18:25,761
Instead, it's been nothing
but tedium and cruelty.
484
00:18:25,762 --> 00:18:28,163
It's time to set things right.
485
00:18:28,164 --> 00:18:29,665
Here you go, Warren.
486
00:18:29,666 --> 00:18:31,000
Merry Christmas.
487
00:18:31,001 --> 00:18:32,635
$11,000?
488
00:18:32,636 --> 00:18:35,537
Yes, it's the maximum check
amount I'm authorized to cut.
489
00:18:35,538 --> 00:18:37,373
Cash it fast.
490
00:18:37,374 --> 00:18:41,243
Merry Christmas, cash it fast.
Merry Christmas, cash it fast.
491
00:18:41,244 --> 00:18:42,878
Merry Christmas, cash it fast.
492
00:18:42,879 --> 00:18:44,880
Thanks, Chadwick. This is awesome.
493
00:18:44,881 --> 00:18:47,282
I think you mean "Happy Holidays."
494
00:18:53,023 --> 00:18:55,056
You got to be kidding me.
495
00:18:57,894 --> 00:19:00,495
(CHUCKLING): Oh, this is too good.
496
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:05,234
(GIGGLES)
497
00:19:05,235 --> 00:19:06,302
Point, Griffin.
498
00:19:06,303 --> 00:19:07,603
Let's see you top...
499
00:19:07,604 --> 00:19:09,104
(CHOKING)
500
00:19:09,105 --> 00:19:10,239
Now you gonna listen?
501
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:11,440
Now you gonna listen, you little bitch?
502
00:19:11,441 --> 00:19:13,208
- Whose suit are you wearing?
- Your suit!
503
00:19:13,209 --> 00:19:14,643
- Whose suit?
- Your suit!
504
00:19:14,644 --> 00:19:15,711
It's your suit!
505
00:19:15,712 --> 00:19:17,946
(GROANING AND GASPING)
506
00:19:17,947 --> 00:19:19,048
(YELLS)
507
00:19:19,049 --> 00:19:20,349
Okay, okay,
508
00:19:20,350 --> 00:19:22,151
I'll never wear that Santa suit again.
509
00:19:22,152 --> 00:19:25,220
Just stop terrorizing me and
take me off the naughty list.
510
00:19:25,221 --> 00:19:26,789
- You promise?
- Yes!
511
00:19:27,865 --> 00:19:29,058
Thank you.
512
00:19:29,059 --> 00:19:32,728
I've always known you were
a good boy deep inside, Peter.
513
00:19:32,729 --> 00:19:35,230
And just so you know
there are no hard feelings,
514
00:19:35,231 --> 00:19:37,299
this is for you.
515
00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:39,802
It's that Penthouse
you found in the woods.
516
00:19:39,803 --> 00:19:43,472
(GASPS) With Vanessa Williams
and George Burns on the cover?
517
00:19:43,473 --> 00:19:44,606
I'm glad you like it.
518
00:19:44,607 --> 00:19:46,108
I had to buy it from a really creepy guy
519
00:19:46,109 --> 00:19:47,309
on the Internet.
520
00:19:47,770 --> 00:19:50,679
Look, Santa, I owe you an apology.
521
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:53,215
I'm sorry I took
advantage of your good name.
522
00:19:53,216 --> 00:19:56,719
You spread so much joy and
wonder to kids everywhere,
523
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:59,649
and I just used that
to get stuff for myself.
524
00:20:00,156 --> 00:20:01,690
Apology accepted.
525
00:20:01,691 --> 00:20:03,625
And truth is,
526
00:20:03,626 --> 00:20:05,027
you weren't the worst Santa.
527
00:20:05,028 --> 00:20:07,195
This was the worst Santa.
528
00:20:09,399 --> 00:20:10,866
Oh, ho, ho, ho!
529
00:20:10,867 --> 00:20:12,167
Oh, and that's another thing.
530
00:20:12,168 --> 00:20:13,702
It's "Ho, ho, ho."
531
00:20:13,703 --> 00:20:15,204
Everybody pronounces it wrong.
532
00:20:15,205 --> 00:20:16,505
It's very irritating.
533
00:20:16,506 --> 00:20:17,538
(WHISTLES)
534
00:20:21,244 --> 00:20:22,511
So long, Peter.
535
00:20:22,512 --> 00:20:24,813
Glad to have you back on the nice list.
536
00:20:24,814 --> 00:20:26,881
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS)
537
00:20:33,423 --> 00:20:35,691
Merry Christmas!
538
00:20:35,692 --> 00:20:37,692
Ho, ho, ho.
539
00:20:42,832 --> 00:20:46,201
PETER: And that was the
Christmas I would never forget.
540
00:20:46,202 --> 00:20:50,272
Until I went home and had,
like, 50 beers, and did forget.
541
00:20:50,273 --> 00:20:52,908
But only after I screamed
myself into a blackout
542
00:20:52,909 --> 00:20:55,244
while my whole family held me down.
543
00:20:55,245 --> 00:20:56,714
Merry Christmas.
544
00:20:56,715 --> 00:20:58,906
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com