1 00:00:02,244 --> 00:00:04,652 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,730 --> 00:00:07,731 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,824 --> 00:00:11,326 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:14,162 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:17,591 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:21,411 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:22,855 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,006 --> 00:00:24,264 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,416 --> 00:00:30,112 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ♪ 10 00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:40,280 Oh, it's a letter from my fancy private high school. 11 00:00:40,432 --> 00:00:41,582 (barking) 12 00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:45,285 (growling) 13 00:00:46,363 --> 00:00:48,772 I'll take this envelope to the refuse, madam. 14 00:00:48,865 --> 00:00:51,175 Oh, thank you, letter butler. 15 00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:54,202 -What's that all about? -Oh, it's an invitation 16 00:00:54,296 --> 00:00:55,779 to my high school reunion. 17 00:00:55,872 --> 00:00:58,873 I went to the Fancington's Academy for Insufferable Girls. 18 00:00:58,967 --> 00:01:02,210 Our mascot was a well-dressed woman who yells at valets. 19 00:01:02,304 --> 00:01:05,213 Nice. I'm sure you and Peter will have a great time. 20 00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:06,139 Uh... 21 00:01:06,292 --> 00:01:08,275 (sharp inhale) Peter. 22 00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:14,073 Nobody look. This is a private, gross matter. 23 00:01:19,305 --> 00:01:20,320 Right. 24 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,472 Do people bring husbands to these things? 25 00:01:22,566 --> 00:01:24,641 You're not thinking of going without him, are you? 26 00:01:24,734 --> 00:01:27,419 Honestly, Brian, these girls come from old money, 27 00:01:27,496 --> 00:01:30,647 so they can be pretty stuffy and judgmental. 28 00:01:30,666 --> 00:01:32,816 Well... 29 00:01:32,818 --> 00:01:35,969 I'm still available. 30 00:01:41,251 --> 00:01:44,845 "But the real outliers were the friends we made along the way." 31 00:01:44,997 --> 00:01:47,255 -The end. -(door opens) 32 00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:49,274 -Oh, hey, Lois. -Wow, look at you. 33 00:01:49,501 --> 00:01:51,276 -Reading a book, huh? -Oh, yeah. 34 00:01:51,503 --> 00:01:53,170 I read everything people leave on planes. 35 00:01:53,263 --> 00:01:54,780 I read The Da Vinci Code four times. 36 00:01:55,007 --> 00:01:57,932 And I'm not sure the last time I've seen you in your uniform. 37 00:01:58,026 --> 00:02:00,410 You really clean up nice. 38 00:02:02,698 --> 00:02:05,682 Hey, Glenn, I have this class reunion coming up soon, 39 00:02:05,701 --> 00:02:09,444 and I thought maybe it'd be fun if, I don't know, 40 00:02:09,521 --> 00:02:12,280 you know, maybe the two of us went together. 41 00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:15,617 -What about Peter? -Oh, he hates those things. 42 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,252 And football. 43 00:02:18,455 --> 00:02:20,955 -Climate change? -Well, that is a real problem. 44 00:02:21,049 --> 00:02:23,049 Hey, here's a fun thought: what if you go 45 00:02:23,202 --> 00:02:25,051 and pretend to be my husband? 46 00:02:25,204 --> 00:02:27,462 Well, I'm not used to wearing rings above the waist, 47 00:02:27,665 --> 00:02:30,440 but what the hell-- I'll try anything once. 48 00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:37,047 Where you going, Mom? 49 00:02:37,065 --> 00:02:39,383 Oh, I'm just heading out for the weekend 50 00:02:39,551 --> 00:02:41,051 to visit the... 51 00:02:41,069 --> 00:02:43,811 Museum of Dusty Vases. 52 00:02:43,873 --> 00:02:46,406 Why don't you just look at all the ones in this house? 53 00:02:46,558 --> 00:02:48,983 So what do we do for dinner? Like, pizza? 54 00:02:49,077 --> 00:02:51,653 -No pizza. -Okay, right. So, like, pizza? 55 00:02:51,747 --> 00:02:53,488 No, Peter, not pizza. 56 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:54,581 Okay, right. Not pizza. 57 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,199 So just... pizza? 58 00:02:56,201 --> 00:02:58,844 Okay, everyone, I stocked the fridge with healthy food. 59 00:02:59,071 --> 00:03:00,921 Your weight is a reflection on me, 60 00:03:01,015 --> 00:03:02,664 so no pizza. 61 00:03:02,758 --> 00:03:04,516 Oh, pizza. Now, that's an idea. 62 00:03:04,743 --> 00:03:06,685 Peter, if you disobey me about the pizza, 63 00:03:06,836 --> 00:03:08,261 there will be consequences. 64 00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,414 Mom's-out-of-town consequences, 65 00:03:10,507 --> 00:03:12,691 which, according to the movies, are the worst kind. 66 00:03:12,842 --> 00:03:15,602 Fine, but I'm gonna tweet mean stuff at celebrities 67 00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:18,071 that look vaguely like you. 68 00:03:30,193 --> 00:03:31,785 You're going to that reunion, aren't you? 69 00:03:31,937 --> 00:03:33,453 Shh. Keep your voice down. 70 00:03:33,605 --> 00:03:36,698 Yes, I'm going, but with Quagmire, not Peter. 71 00:03:36,792 --> 00:03:39,626 Glenn's gonna pretend to be my husband to impress them. 72 00:03:39,778 --> 00:03:41,611 Are you sure that's a good idea? 73 00:03:41,705 --> 00:03:44,281 I mean, it's Quagmire-- you know how he feels about you. 74 00:03:44,299 --> 00:03:46,783 Yeah, I know he's gonna try and sleep with me, 75 00:03:46,876 --> 00:03:48,285 but I'm a big girl, 76 00:03:48,378 --> 00:03:50,971 and I can handle Quagmire. I'll be fine. 77 00:03:51,065 --> 00:03:52,789 -But... -But nothing. Fetch! 78 00:03:52,882 --> 00:03:55,359 Oh, not cool, Lois. Very not cool! 79 00:03:58,814 --> 00:03:59,980 All right, she's gone. 80 00:04:00,132 --> 00:04:02,699 Now, who wants pizza? 81 00:04:12,327 --> 00:04:15,420 Oh, no. No wife of mine carries her own bags. 82 00:04:15,572 --> 00:04:16,588 (straining) 83 00:04:16,740 --> 00:04:17,739 Oh, my God, that's heavy. 84 00:04:17,833 --> 00:04:18,999 What's in these things? 85 00:04:19,093 --> 00:04:20,425 Well, we're here for two nights, 86 00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:23,244 so my hair dryer, my iron, my free weights-- 87 00:04:23,264 --> 00:04:25,413 and I thought maybe, if I had a minute, 88 00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:26,448 I'd Rollerblade-- 89 00:04:26,583 --> 00:04:28,583 my CPAP machine and bedside table... 90 00:04:28,752 --> 00:04:29,935 There's a whole table in here? 91 00:04:30,162 --> 00:04:32,938 ...travel Peloton, every robe I've ever owned, 92 00:04:33,089 --> 00:04:34,940 and my desktop computer. 93 00:04:35,091 --> 00:04:36,850 It's got my email on there. 94 00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:38,944 Lois, I have an umbilical hernia. 95 00:04:39,095 --> 00:04:41,196 -They're on rollers. -Oh. 96 00:04:42,265 --> 00:04:43,931 Okay, so I booked us a suite 97 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,026 so that we can keep up the appearance of being married 98 00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:48,178 but still sleep in separate rooms. 99 00:04:48,196 --> 00:04:50,289 Like John Krasinski and Emily Blunt? 100 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:51,665 Exactly. 101 00:04:58,281 --> 00:05:00,373 -(knocking) -Oh, pizza man's here. 102 00:05:00,526 --> 00:05:02,092 Do I look okay? 103 00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:05,545 I know, that one has a mind of its own. 104 00:05:06,548 --> 00:05:08,974 Here's your pie. May I use your bathroom? 105 00:05:09,125 --> 00:05:11,143 Absolutely. We'll be out here eating pizza 106 00:05:11,294 --> 00:05:13,370 like we're in an '80s commercial. 107 00:05:13,388 --> 00:05:15,038 ♪ ♪ 108 00:05:15,131 --> 00:05:17,965 ♪ Smile in your family's face ♪ 109 00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:19,967 ♪ It's pizza night ♪ 110 00:05:20,062 --> 00:05:22,487 ♪ Eye contact with your son ♪ 111 00:05:22,564 --> 00:05:25,139 ♪ He's gonna take a stringy bite ♪ 112 00:05:25,159 --> 00:05:27,826 ♪ The obesity epidemic ♪ 113 00:05:28,053 --> 00:05:29,553 ♪ Was starting to take hold ♪ 114 00:05:29,646 --> 00:05:33,147 ♪ So stuff your face with pizza ♪ 115 00:05:33,241 --> 00:05:35,125 ♪ Before it gets too cold ♪ 116 00:05:36,337 --> 00:05:38,837 ♪ Before it gets too cold, yeah! ♪ 117 00:05:38,988 --> 00:05:41,048 Pizza! 118 00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:45,827 It's probably just the pizza talking, 119 00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:48,180 but I love you guys. 120 00:05:50,166 --> 00:05:53,410 Um, the pizza guy's car is still running outside. 121 00:05:53,428 --> 00:05:55,912 Four tires, not one of them the same. 122 00:05:56,005 --> 00:05:58,339 -Is that guy still on the can? -I'll check. 123 00:05:58,508 --> 00:05:59,566 Let's all check. 124 00:06:01,010 --> 00:06:02,152 (all gasp) 125 00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:06,256 I think he's had a heart attack. 126 00:06:06,425 --> 00:06:07,440 He's dead. 127 00:06:07,593 --> 00:06:09,534 Oh, my God, Dad, this is terrible. 128 00:06:09,611 --> 00:06:13,413 I know. Your mother is gonna find out we had pizza. 129 00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:26,776 What the... 130 00:06:26,870 --> 00:06:29,036 This is not the room I reserved. 131 00:06:29,114 --> 00:06:30,614 This is the honeymoon suite. 132 00:06:30,707 --> 00:06:33,058 Was that, "This is the honeymoon," comma, "sweet"? 133 00:06:33,227 --> 00:06:34,634 Or, like, "room"? 134 00:06:34,711 --> 00:06:36,786 Oh, you're not gonna get away with this. 135 00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:38,455 I am gonna tweet mean stuff 136 00:06:38,473 --> 00:06:41,358 at celebrities that look vaguely like you. 137 00:06:55,416 --> 00:06:57,323 Whoa, whoa, I had nothing to do with this. 138 00:06:57,476 --> 00:06:59,309 -Then how did this happen? -Well, I'm a platinum member 139 00:06:59,327 --> 00:07:00,810 at all the hotel chains, 140 00:07:00,829 --> 00:07:03,088 so they probably just saw my name and upgraded us. 141 00:07:03,165 --> 00:07:05,148 Well, I don't know if I'm comfortable with this. 142 00:07:05,167 --> 00:07:07,333 Oh, no problem. Let me call the front desk 143 00:07:07,428 --> 00:07:09,911 and see if they can switch us to a room with two beds. 144 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:13,265 Ah, yes, we were wondering if we might be able to switch rooms? 145 00:07:13,492 --> 00:07:14,749 Uh-huh. I see. 146 00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:17,327 So just a windowless single with no water pressure? 147 00:07:17,420 --> 00:07:19,587 No, you know what, it's fine. We're already here. 148 00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:21,831 My wife says, no, it's fine, we're already here. 149 00:07:21,850 --> 00:07:24,776 (chuckles): Oh, you heard that. Okay, thanks, anyway. 150 00:07:24,928 --> 00:07:26,336 But don't get any ideas, 151 00:07:26,354 --> 00:07:29,172 because nothing is gonna happen between us. 152 00:07:29,265 --> 00:07:30,449 You have nothing to worry about. 153 00:07:30,676 --> 00:07:32,767 I'll be more of a gentleman than John Wayne Bobbitt 154 00:07:32,861 --> 00:07:34,360 with his second wife. 155 00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:36,680 Hey, honey, would you take out the trash? 156 00:07:36,773 --> 00:07:38,665 Yes, yeah, absolutely. 157 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:44,854 (panting) Love it, love it. What else? 158 00:07:44,856 --> 00:07:47,632 Well, I have been dying to see that new Rebel Wilson movie. 159 00:07:47,784 --> 00:07:49,801 I hear she raps, like, a lot. 160 00:07:50,028 --> 00:07:52,137 (sighs) 161 00:07:52,288 --> 00:07:54,598 Let's just do this. 162 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,480 Okay, we have to get rid of this body 163 00:08:01,631 --> 00:08:03,206 so your mom can't connect us with the pizza. 164 00:08:03,299 --> 00:08:04,874 Anybody got any ideas? 165 00:08:04,893 --> 00:08:06,651 We could put a yarmulke on him 166 00:08:06,878 --> 00:08:08,135 a-and dump him in the town square. 167 00:08:08,230 --> 00:08:09,821 Pretend it's a hate crime. 168 00:08:10,048 --> 00:08:11,990 Chris, come on. Where we gonna get a yarmulke? 169 00:08:12,217 --> 00:08:14,159 We should float him with balloons, like in Up. 170 00:08:14,310 --> 00:08:17,070 -Then he's the sky's problem. -(electronic ding) 171 00:08:17,222 --> 00:08:19,814 -Oh, my God, he got a text. -Brian, get it. 172 00:08:19,908 --> 00:08:23,710 I'm not fishing it out of his pants, 'cause I'm into chicks. 173 00:08:28,567 --> 00:08:30,583 Oh, no. This means there are still undelivered pizzas 174 00:08:30,736 --> 00:08:32,677 -in his car. -The restaurant's gonna know 175 00:08:32,829 --> 00:08:35,572 ours was the last one he dropped off before he disappeared. 176 00:08:35,665 --> 00:08:38,833 Oh, my God, that means Mom will find out. 177 00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:41,094 Which means we got to deliver the rest of his pizzas. 178 00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:43,580 And we'll leave him and his car at the last stop. 179 00:08:43,673 --> 00:08:46,599 Well, if we're going in the car, that means I can take the iPad. 180 00:08:46,752 --> 00:08:47,842 Mom said. 181 00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:50,678 (mellow jazz playing) 182 00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:52,697 ♪ ♪ 183 00:08:56,261 --> 00:08:58,370 Okay, it's showtime. 184 00:08:59,598 --> 00:09:02,082 Ladies, you're looking wealthy tonight. 185 00:09:02,158 --> 00:09:04,042 I'd like you to meet my husband. 186 00:09:04,193 --> 00:09:06,244 We're married, hence the rings. 187 00:09:06,396 --> 00:09:09,956 Enchanté. I'm a pilot and I read books. 188 00:09:10,033 --> 00:09:12,533 This is Madison Lexington-Broadway. 189 00:09:12,553 --> 00:09:15,036 She runs a scholarship for underprivileged WASPs 190 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,113 who can only afford Cornell. 191 00:09:17,132 --> 00:09:19,115 My father shoots elephants. 192 00:09:19,134 --> 00:09:21,226 And Vivian Yachtbrunch, 193 00:09:21,377 --> 00:09:24,712 who sailed directly into the building from Turks and Caicos. 194 00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:28,416 I summer in Antibes, and I winter in the spring. 195 00:09:28,493 --> 00:09:30,569 And, of course, Scowly Tight-Anus, 196 00:09:30,796 --> 00:09:34,964 the granddaughter of both Henry Tight and Randolph Anus. 197 00:09:35,058 --> 00:09:38,076 We were a clipping on the Jay Leno Program. 198 00:09:38,227 --> 00:09:40,728 May I say that you have the breasts of an obese woman 199 00:09:40,897 --> 00:09:42,897 and the arms of an anorexic. 200 00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:44,657 (giggling, gasping) 201 00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:47,043 ('80s video game flourish plays) 202 00:09:57,931 --> 00:10:01,141 (continues mellow jazz melody) 203 00:10:06,498 --> 00:10:08,255 (song ends) 204 00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:10,333 Hey, this is a lot of fun for everybody. 205 00:10:10,352 --> 00:10:12,944 Do you mind if I upstage you at your job? 206 00:10:13,096 --> 00:10:14,762 Attention, everybody, this is your captain. 207 00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:17,006 I'm not going to turn on the "fasten seatbelt" sign. 208 00:10:17,025 --> 00:10:19,008 You guys can do whatever you want. 209 00:10:19,027 --> 00:10:21,102 (passengers applauding, whooping) 210 00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:24,331 Now I get it. I'm sorry I played your saxophone. 211 00:10:26,201 --> 00:10:28,384 God, this car is depressing. 212 00:10:28,386 --> 00:10:30,611 He's got three ashtrays in use. 213 00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:34,115 -Can you put on some music? -There's no CD player. 214 00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:37,360 Just a Discman with a cassette plug-in. 215 00:10:37,379 --> 00:10:39,212 You ever heard of a band called Special Delivery? 216 00:10:39,364 --> 00:10:41,364 Oh, no. It's his band. 217 00:10:41,457 --> 00:10:42,474 Oh, no. 218 00:10:42,701 --> 00:10:45,535 Oh, they're all in uniforms, God bless 'em. 219 00:10:45,628 --> 00:10:47,871 Aw, dying on a stranger's toilet seat is bad, 220 00:10:47,964 --> 00:10:49,055 but this is real bad. 221 00:10:49,224 --> 00:10:51,298 Dad, let's get back to the pizzas. 222 00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:54,043 Right. We deliver the pizzas and nobody calls the police. 223 00:10:54,062 --> 00:10:55,654 Now, where's our first stop? 224 00:10:55,805 --> 00:10:57,380 The police station. 225 00:10:57,399 --> 00:10:59,324 (exclaims) 226 00:11:06,074 --> 00:11:08,074 There are cameras everywhere. 227 00:11:08,226 --> 00:11:10,076 We can't be seen leaving those pizzas. 228 00:11:10,228 --> 00:11:12,562 But he can. 229 00:11:12,580 --> 00:11:14,339 Good thinking, Chris. All those in favor 230 00:11:14,490 --> 00:11:16,341 of Meg getting in the dead guy's clothes with him 231 00:11:16,492 --> 00:11:18,918 and scarecrowing him in, raise your hand. 232 00:11:19,070 --> 00:11:20,345 Fine, I'll do it. 233 00:11:20,496 --> 00:11:22,755 But only 'cause I'm starved for human contact 234 00:11:22,832 --> 00:11:25,058 and he's not fully cold yet. 235 00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:38,755 Well, if it isn't Georgie, my fourth-best friend, 236 00:11:38,924 --> 00:11:40,514 in the weirdly gray flesh. 237 00:11:40,683 --> 00:11:43,426 Haven't seen you since I ordered that calzone. 238 00:11:43,445 --> 00:11:45,929 Hey, I hate to be the bearer of bad shoes, 239 00:11:45,989 --> 00:11:47,947 but your sneaker's untied. 240 00:11:48,099 --> 00:11:49,666 (Meg sighs) 241 00:11:55,031 --> 00:11:56,548 Hey, I heard your guitar got stolen, 242 00:11:56,699 --> 00:11:59,033 so I swiped you a new one from the evidence locker. 243 00:11:59,127 --> 00:12:00,868 It used to belong to Martin Shkreli. 244 00:12:00,962 --> 00:12:03,555 Surprisingly soulful balladeer. 245 00:12:03,706 --> 00:12:06,725 Okay, fine, you can play me a song to thank me. 246 00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,379 Hmm, I'm hearing a little Clapton 247 00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:15,625 mixed with hearing loss from going to the gun range too much. 248 00:12:15,718 --> 00:12:17,643 We're one short on the suspect lineup. 249 00:12:17,796 --> 00:12:20,480 Know anyone who could fill in? 250 00:12:20,632 --> 00:12:22,966 JOE (over speaker): Well, the perpetrator was doing a highly-choreographed routine 251 00:12:22,984 --> 00:12:24,650 during the assault, so number three, 252 00:12:24,803 --> 00:12:26,894 please step forward and perform the zombie dance 253 00:12:26,946 --> 00:12:28,229 from "Thriller." 254 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:30,231 MEG (muffled): Oh, come on. 255 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:32,250 JOE: Five, six, seven, eight. 256 00:12:32,477 --> 00:12:34,419 ♪ ♪ 257 00:12:41,744 --> 00:12:43,428 Whew. That was close. 258 00:12:43,655 --> 00:12:45,838 I'm glad to be done delivering to places 259 00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:47,932 that are too risky to walk a dead body into. 260 00:12:48,159 --> 00:12:49,750 What's next? 261 00:12:49,844 --> 00:12:51,661 The cadaver dog training facility. 262 00:12:51,754 --> 00:12:53,521 (exclaims) 263 00:12:54,682 --> 00:12:56,191 (dogs barking) 264 00:13:07,028 --> 00:13:08,953 I've been waiting for you, Georgie. 265 00:13:09,180 --> 00:13:12,457 I haven't eaten all day. 266 00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:18,963 ♪ ♪ 267 00:13:21,359 --> 00:13:23,951 The pizza guy's having a secret affair. 268 00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:27,430 Oh, to be single and dead again, huh, Chris? 269 00:13:29,551 --> 00:13:31,059 Last stop. 270 00:13:33,814 --> 00:13:37,232 I ordered another pizza. 271 00:13:41,229 --> 00:13:42,654 Thank you all for coming tonight. 272 00:13:42,881 --> 00:13:46,399 On your way out, please take a complementary au pair. 273 00:13:46,568 --> 00:13:50,829 And, of course, au pair is French for "with jugs." 274 00:13:50,980 --> 00:13:52,889 Your husband is remarkable. 275 00:13:52,949 --> 00:13:55,316 I am hereby changing his designation 276 00:13:55,410 --> 00:13:57,985 from "charming" to "a triumph." 277 00:13:58,004 --> 00:13:59,820 Hear, hear. 278 00:13:59,914 --> 00:14:03,583 Before you, the one who'd done the best in our group was Joan. 279 00:14:03,735 --> 00:14:06,235 She was married to a functioning alcoholic. 280 00:14:06,254 --> 00:14:09,997 All our husbands were Christmas suicides. 281 00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:12,075 Well, what can I say? I'm a lucky woman. 282 00:14:12,093 --> 00:14:14,260 By the way, Lois, when we get back to our room, 283 00:14:14,412 --> 00:14:16,746 you can choose the streaming service we watch tonight. 284 00:14:16,764 --> 00:14:18,172 Even Crackle? 285 00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,233 Eh, even Crackle. 286 00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:25,104 Oh, thanks for being a great husband tonight. 287 00:14:25,256 --> 00:14:27,348 I mean, when you got that standing ovation 288 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:30,093 for comparing the estate tax to the Holocaust, 289 00:14:30,111 --> 00:14:32,261 I felt like the belle of the ball. 290 00:14:32,430 --> 00:14:35,039 I really enjoyed spending time with you, too. 291 00:14:35,934 --> 00:14:38,951 -So... -So... 292 00:14:39,104 --> 00:14:41,212 He's a good guy. Let him down easy. 293 00:14:41,439 --> 00:14:43,956 When he goes for the kiss, just tell him that... 294 00:14:44,109 --> 00:14:46,125 Rose Byrne! That's the actress 295 00:14:46,277 --> 00:14:47,701 I was trying to remember earlier! 296 00:14:47,795 --> 00:14:49,536 Always good but never a star. 297 00:14:49,631 --> 00:14:52,281 Okay, I'll text Bonnie about that later. 298 00:14:52,375 --> 00:14:54,434 ♪ ♪ 299 00:14:55,878 --> 00:14:57,136 I want you... 300 00:14:57,305 --> 00:14:59,713 to meet the cocktail waitress I'm about to sleep with. 301 00:14:59,807 --> 00:15:01,065 What? 302 00:15:03,128 --> 00:15:04,644 This is Jenna. You might remember her boobs 303 00:15:04,796 --> 00:15:07,054 from hovering over your shoulder while pouring wine. 304 00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:08,981 I know I do. 305 00:15:09,058 --> 00:15:11,000 (Jenna moaning) 306 00:15:11,002 --> 00:15:12,559 I remember you. You're the lady 307 00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:14,895 who moved her chair four times because of the air conditioning 308 00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:17,916 and then asked the band if they could play a little quieter. 309 00:15:18,067 --> 00:15:20,401 Two maracas. We get it-- you like to shake stuff. 310 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:22,403 But don't upstage the entrées. 311 00:15:22,497 --> 00:15:25,506 Anyway, we're taking off now. Enjoy Crackle. 312 00:15:26,651 --> 00:15:28,075 I-I can't believe this. 313 00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:30,911 Well, I guess I could always go down to the business center 314 00:15:31,005 --> 00:15:34,098 and get passively hit on by all the losers. 315 00:15:34,325 --> 00:15:37,084 All right, that's one ticket. 316 00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:40,104 Economy plus. (chuckles softly) 317 00:15:40,181 --> 00:15:41,847 Checking bags. 318 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:42,941 Several. 319 00:15:43,168 --> 00:15:45,759 Okay, and print. 320 00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:48,671 And... time to go home. 321 00:15:49,174 --> 00:15:52,116 I'm not staying here. I just don't own a printer. 322 00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:01,442 Oh, look who decided to show up. 323 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,019 Hey, Lois. That was some night. 324 00:16:03,112 --> 00:16:05,188 You'll be happy to know I was able to perform 325 00:16:05,281 --> 00:16:07,781 on a four-inch-thick futon in front of three roommates. 326 00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:10,526 You know, the hotel sent champagne up for us last night. 327 00:16:10,545 --> 00:16:12,545 Oh, why didn't you send it to me and Jenna? 328 00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:14,305 Well, no sense wasting it. 329 00:16:14,457 --> 00:16:15,473 (sighs): Ah... 330 00:16:15,700 --> 00:16:17,717 Hey, did you end up working out in the morning 331 00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:19,218 like you said you were gonna? 332 00:16:19,295 --> 00:16:21,370 What was it, 40 minutes cardio, then a Pilates class? 333 00:16:21,389 --> 00:16:23,055 Did you do both of those? 334 00:16:23,132 --> 00:16:25,149 No, I didn't do both of those. 335 00:16:25,301 --> 00:16:27,819 -So just one? -I did neither of them. 336 00:16:28,046 --> 00:16:30,154 Ouch. Well, thanks again for inviting me. 337 00:16:30,306 --> 00:16:32,215 This has been fun. 338 00:16:32,233 --> 00:16:33,883 First pee afterwards. 339 00:16:33,901 --> 00:16:35,067 Whoa! 340 00:16:35,220 --> 00:16:37,887 (chuckles) Lois, I'm using all the towels. 341 00:16:37,889 --> 00:16:39,831 (classical music playing) 342 00:16:40,908 --> 00:16:43,392 -♪ ♪ -(indistinct conversations) 343 00:16:43,411 --> 00:16:45,486 ...and then I said, "Not today, geese," 344 00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:48,155 and I landed that passenger plane on the Hudson. 345 00:16:48,249 --> 00:16:50,249 As someone who didn't watch the news in 2009 346 00:16:50,385 --> 00:16:52,343 and doesn't care for Tom Hanks films, 347 00:16:52,495 --> 00:16:56,163 that is the most riveting story I have ever heard. 348 00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:58,924 Ladies and gentleman, this is your brunch captain speaking. 349 00:16:59,077 --> 00:17:01,244 It's gonna be a bumpy ride, 'cause... 350 00:17:01,262 --> 00:17:02,745 I'm making mimosas. 351 00:17:02,838 --> 00:17:04,689 Only thing bumpy around here 352 00:17:04,916 --> 00:17:06,582 is that strained airplane metaphor. 353 00:17:06,675 --> 00:17:08,918 What is this, Mutters Against Drunk Driving? 354 00:17:08,936 --> 00:17:10,586 Lois, have a drink. 355 00:17:10,605 --> 00:17:12,697 Ladies, I took the liberty of requesting our meal 356 00:17:12,848 --> 00:17:14,590 be soy-free, meat-free, gluten-free, 357 00:17:14,609 --> 00:17:17,035 dairy-free, cage-free, carb-free and cruelty-free. 358 00:17:17,186 --> 00:17:19,220 And then I snuck you each a cinnamon bun, 359 00:17:19,355 --> 00:17:21,706 because all that other stuff's for Democrats. 360 00:17:21,783 --> 00:17:23,783 Oh, he's wonderful. 361 00:17:23,859 --> 00:17:25,710 Lois, where did you find him? 362 00:17:25,861 --> 00:17:27,528 Oh, you think he's so wonderful? 363 00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:30,364 Last night he screwed the cocktail waitress. 364 00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:31,774 (all gasp) 365 00:17:31,793 --> 00:17:34,868 (sobbing) 366 00:17:34,962 --> 00:17:37,463 I'm sorry, ladies. I have deceived you. 367 00:17:37,615 --> 00:17:40,141 So I'll just collect my free au pair. 368 00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:43,710 And one for my wife. 369 00:17:43,805 --> 00:17:45,980 And I'll be on my way. 370 00:17:48,793 --> 00:17:50,810 -What is your problem? -Get away from me. 371 00:17:50,962 --> 00:17:52,128 What's going on with you? 372 00:17:52,221 --> 00:17:53,796 I thought I made such a good impression. 373 00:17:53,815 --> 00:17:57,558 -We had those ladies fooled. -Just leave me alone, Glenn. 374 00:17:57,652 --> 00:17:59,819 I did exactly what you wanted. I didn't make a move. 375 00:17:59,971 --> 00:18:01,395 I didn't even come close. 376 00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,730 (groans) That's the problem. 377 00:18:03,825 --> 00:18:05,308 You wanted me to? 378 00:18:05,326 --> 00:18:08,628 Well, I... I wanted you to try. 379 00:18:09,814 --> 00:18:11,163 I wanted you to try. 380 00:18:11,316 --> 00:18:14,741 Then I could shoot you down and feel sexually desirable 381 00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:17,153 and morally superior. 382 00:18:17,246 --> 00:18:18,838 But you're both those things. 383 00:18:18,990 --> 00:18:20,172 Yeah, you say that now, 384 00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:22,934 but last night you were out boinking that waitress. 385 00:18:23,161 --> 00:18:25,511 Now, how do you think that made me feel, huh? 386 00:18:25,663 --> 00:18:28,272 It made me feel like my best years are behind me. 387 00:18:28,499 --> 00:18:31,033 Well, that's not true at all. I didn't make a move on you 388 00:18:31,093 --> 00:18:32,960 because you're my best friend's wife. 389 00:18:32,962 --> 00:18:35,855 That... that is true. 390 00:18:36,007 --> 00:18:37,431 Besides, you know me. 391 00:18:37,525 --> 00:18:38,841 I'm not a one-gal guy. 392 00:18:38,860 --> 00:18:40,843 Last night I was with Jenna for only four hours, 393 00:18:40,936 --> 00:18:42,603 and I cheated on her with the woman 394 00:18:42,697 --> 00:18:44,104 who was fixing the ice machine. 395 00:18:44,198 --> 00:18:46,182 Hands were a little cold, but we got there. 396 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:47,683 I used that ice. 397 00:18:47,685 --> 00:18:49,460 Hopefully before 2:30 a.m. 398 00:18:49,537 --> 00:18:50,944 Look, if you wanted a decent guy 399 00:18:51,038 --> 00:18:53,022 who's only been into you and only you, 400 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:54,298 you should have brought Peter. 401 00:18:54,450 --> 00:18:56,876 You know what? You're right. 402 00:18:56,970 --> 00:18:58,970 So what if he drinks too much? 403 00:18:59,197 --> 00:19:00,972 So what if he weighs too much? 404 00:19:01,199 --> 00:19:03,307 So what if he thinks Scrappy-Doo is the better Doo? 405 00:19:03,534 --> 00:19:06,793 He's a loyal husband and a good man. 406 00:19:06,888 --> 00:19:10,389 Oh, I should never have been embarrassed to bring him. 407 00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:12,817 And I shouldn't need the attention of another man 408 00:19:12,968 --> 00:19:15,486 -to feel sexy and young. -That's right. 409 00:19:15,713 --> 00:19:19,231 Hey, why don't we continue our discussion in the shower? 410 00:19:19,384 --> 00:19:20,733 A little wet-à-tête. 411 00:19:20,885 --> 00:19:22,976 (gasps) How dare you? 412 00:19:23,070 --> 00:19:25,621 And thank you. 413 00:19:35,249 --> 00:19:36,841 All right, Lois is gonna be home soon, 414 00:19:36,992 --> 00:19:38,250 so we got to fix this now. 415 00:19:38,403 --> 00:19:39,993 Why don't we just shove him in the sewer, 416 00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:41,495 let the clowns have at him? 417 00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:44,682 I'm good with anything that keeps Pennywise off my jock. 418 00:19:44,909 --> 00:19:46,559 Sounds like a plan. 419 00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:52,248 Hold on, Peter. This feels wrong. 420 00:19:52,266 --> 00:19:54,600 We can't just dump him facedown into raw sewage 421 00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:56,694 without saying a few words. 422 00:19:56,921 --> 00:19:58,512 You're right, Brian. 423 00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,156 I'll do the honors. 424 00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:04,610 It feels like just yesterday 425 00:20:04,762 --> 00:20:07,613 when he came into our lives carrying a pizza we bought. 426 00:20:07,765 --> 00:20:09,856 I always loved how he looked around the house 427 00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:11,450 a little too much while I was 428 00:20:11,602 --> 00:20:13,211 digging the money out of my wallet. 429 00:20:13,362 --> 00:20:15,955 And who can forget his license plate number: 430 00:20:16,107 --> 00:20:18,382 7-G-something-something-5. 431 00:20:18,609 --> 00:20:21,126 More sweat than you're used to seeing on a fella, 432 00:20:21,203 --> 00:20:23,629 but that's what moisture-wicking shirts are for. 433 00:20:23,781 --> 00:20:27,391 His nails were dirty, but his heart was pure. 434 00:20:27,543 --> 00:20:30,394 Okay, time to drop him in a river of dung. 435 00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:35,458 He's stuck! 436 00:20:35,551 --> 00:20:36,901 Oh, crap, it's Lois. 437 00:20:37,052 --> 00:20:40,196 Peter, what the hell is going on? 438 00:20:41,299 --> 00:20:42,648 You ordered pizza, didn't you? 439 00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:45,651 -Yes, ma'am. -Oh, I don't care. 440 00:20:45,803 --> 00:20:47,319 I love you, Peter. 441 00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:48,246 Mm. 442 00:20:48,397 --> 00:20:50,230 And I have a confession for you: 443 00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:52,566 I went to my high school reunion this weekend, 444 00:20:52,643 --> 00:20:54,585 and I didn't invite you. 445 00:20:54,737 --> 00:20:55,920 What? 446 00:20:56,071 --> 00:20:59,173 Thank you. Oh, thank you!