1
00:00:02,244 --> 00:00:04,652
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,730 --> 00:00:07,731
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,824 --> 00:00:11,326
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:14,162
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:17,591
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:21,411
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:22,855
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,006 --> 00:00:24,264
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,416 --> 00:00:30,112
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy. ♪
10
00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:40,280
Oh, it's a letter from
my fancy private high school.
11
00:00:40,432 --> 00:00:41,582
(barking)
12
00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:45,285
(growling)
13
00:00:46,363 --> 00:00:48,772
I'll take this envelope
to the refuse, madam.
14
00:00:48,865 --> 00:00:51,175
Oh, thank you, letter butler.
15
00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:54,202
-What's that all about?
-Oh, it's an invitation
16
00:00:54,296 --> 00:00:55,779
to my high school reunion.
17
00:00:55,872 --> 00:00:58,873
I went to the Fancington's
Academy for Insufferable Girls.
18
00:00:58,967 --> 00:01:02,210
Our mascot was a well-dressed
woman who yells at valets.
19
00:01:02,304 --> 00:01:05,213
Nice. I'm sure you and Peter
will have a great time.
20
00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:06,139
Uh...
21
00:01:06,292 --> 00:01:08,275
(sharp inhale) Peter.
22
00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:14,073
Nobody look.
This is a private, gross matter.
23
00:01:19,305 --> 00:01:20,320
Right.
24
00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,472
Do people bring husbands
to these things?
25
00:01:22,566 --> 00:01:24,641
You're not thinking of going
without him, are you?
26
00:01:24,734 --> 00:01:27,419
Honestly, Brian,
these girls come from old money,
27
00:01:27,496 --> 00:01:30,647
so they can be pretty stuffy
and judgmental.
28
00:01:30,666 --> 00:01:32,816
Well...
29
00:01:32,818 --> 00:01:35,969
I'm still available.
30
00:01:41,251 --> 00:01:44,845
"But the real outliers were the
friends we made along the way."
31
00:01:44,997 --> 00:01:47,255
-The end.
-(door opens)
32
00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:49,274
-Oh, hey, Lois.
-Wow, look at you.
33
00:01:49,501 --> 00:01:51,276
-Reading a book, huh?
-Oh, yeah.
34
00:01:51,503 --> 00:01:53,170
I read everything
people leave on planes.
35
00:01:53,263 --> 00:01:54,780
I read The Da Vinci Code
four times.
36
00:01:55,007 --> 00:01:57,932
And I'm not sure the last time
I've seen you in your uniform.
37
00:01:58,026 --> 00:02:00,410
You really clean up nice.
38
00:02:02,698 --> 00:02:05,682
Hey, Glenn, I have this
class reunion coming up soon,
39
00:02:05,701 --> 00:02:09,444
and I thought maybe it'd be fun
if, I don't know,
40
00:02:09,521 --> 00:02:12,280
you know, maybe the two of us
went together.
41
00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:15,617
-What about Peter?
-Oh, he hates those things.
42
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,252
And football.
43
00:02:18,455 --> 00:02:20,955
-Climate change?
-Well, that is a real problem.
44
00:02:21,049 --> 00:02:23,049
Hey, here's a fun thought:
what if you go
45
00:02:23,202 --> 00:02:25,051
and pretend to be my husband?
46
00:02:25,204 --> 00:02:27,462
Well, I'm not used to wearing
rings above the waist,
47
00:02:27,665 --> 00:02:30,440
but what the hell--
I'll try anything once.
48
00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:37,047
Where you going, Mom?
49
00:02:37,065 --> 00:02:39,383
Oh, I'm just heading out
for the weekend
50
00:02:39,551 --> 00:02:41,051
to visit the...
51
00:02:41,069 --> 00:02:43,811
Museum of Dusty Vases.
52
00:02:43,873 --> 00:02:46,406
Why don't you just look
at all the ones in this house?
53
00:02:46,558 --> 00:02:48,983
So what do we do for dinner?
Like, pizza?
54
00:02:49,077 --> 00:02:51,653
-No pizza.
-Okay, right. So, like, pizza?
55
00:02:51,747 --> 00:02:53,488
No, Peter, not pizza.
56
00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:54,581
Okay, right. Not pizza.
57
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,199
So just... pizza?
58
00:02:56,201 --> 00:02:58,844
Okay, everyone, I stocked
the fridge with healthy food.
59
00:02:59,071 --> 00:03:00,921
Your weight
is a reflection on me,
60
00:03:01,015 --> 00:03:02,664
so no pizza.
61
00:03:02,758 --> 00:03:04,516
Oh, pizza. Now, that's an idea.
62
00:03:04,743 --> 00:03:06,685
Peter, if you disobey me
about the pizza,
63
00:03:06,836 --> 00:03:08,261
there will be consequences.
64
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,414
Mom's-out-of-town consequences,
65
00:03:10,507 --> 00:03:12,691
which, according to the movies,
are the worst kind.
66
00:03:12,842 --> 00:03:15,602
Fine, but I'm gonna tweet
mean stuff at celebrities
67
00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:18,071
that look vaguely like you.
68
00:03:30,193 --> 00:03:31,785
You're going to that reunion,
aren't you?
69
00:03:31,937 --> 00:03:33,453
Shh. Keep your voice down.
70
00:03:33,605 --> 00:03:36,698
Yes, I'm going,
but with Quagmire, not Peter.
71
00:03:36,792 --> 00:03:39,626
Glenn's gonna pretend to be
my husband to impress them.
72
00:03:39,778 --> 00:03:41,611
Are you sure that's a good idea?
73
00:03:41,705 --> 00:03:44,281
I mean, it's Quagmire--
you know how he feels about you.
74
00:03:44,299 --> 00:03:46,783
Yeah, I know he's gonna
try and sleep with me,
75
00:03:46,876 --> 00:03:48,285
but I'm a big girl,
76
00:03:48,378 --> 00:03:50,971
and I can handle Quagmire.
I'll be fine.
77
00:03:51,065 --> 00:03:52,789
-But...
-But nothing. Fetch!
78
00:03:52,882 --> 00:03:55,359
Oh, not cool, Lois.
Very not cool!
79
00:03:58,814 --> 00:03:59,980
All right, she's gone.
80
00:04:00,132 --> 00:04:02,699
Now, who wants pizza?
81
00:04:12,327 --> 00:04:15,420
Oh, no. No wife of mine
carries her own bags.
82
00:04:15,572 --> 00:04:16,588
(straining)
83
00:04:16,740 --> 00:04:17,739
Oh, my God, that's heavy.
84
00:04:17,833 --> 00:04:18,999
What's in these things?
85
00:04:19,093 --> 00:04:20,425
Well, we're here for two nights,
86
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:23,244
so my hair dryer,
my iron, my free weights--
87
00:04:23,264 --> 00:04:25,413
and I thought maybe,
if I had a minute,
88
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:26,448
I'd Rollerblade--
89
00:04:26,583 --> 00:04:28,583
my CPAP machine
and bedside table...
90
00:04:28,752 --> 00:04:29,935
There's a whole table in here?
91
00:04:30,162 --> 00:04:32,938
...travel Peloton,
every robe I've ever owned,
92
00:04:33,089 --> 00:04:34,940
and my desktop computer.
93
00:04:35,091 --> 00:04:36,850
It's got my email on there.
94
00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:38,944
Lois, I have
an umbilical hernia.
95
00:04:39,095 --> 00:04:41,196
-They're on rollers.
-Oh.
96
00:04:42,265 --> 00:04:43,931
Okay, so I booked us a suite
97
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,026
so that we can keep up
the appearance of being married
98
00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:48,178
but still sleep
in separate rooms.
99
00:04:48,196 --> 00:04:50,289
Like John Krasinski
and Emily Blunt?
100
00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:51,665
Exactly.
101
00:04:58,281 --> 00:05:00,373
-(knocking)
-Oh, pizza man's here.
102
00:05:00,526 --> 00:05:02,092
Do I look okay?
103
00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:05,545
I know, that one
has a mind of its own.
104
00:05:06,548 --> 00:05:08,974
Here's your pie.
May I use your bathroom?
105
00:05:09,125 --> 00:05:11,143
Absolutely.
We'll be out here eating pizza
106
00:05:11,294 --> 00:05:13,370
like we're
in an '80s commercial.
107
00:05:13,388 --> 00:05:15,038
♪ ♪
108
00:05:15,131 --> 00:05:17,965
♪ Smile in your family's face ♪
109
00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:19,967
♪ It's pizza night ♪
110
00:05:20,062 --> 00:05:22,487
♪ Eye contact with your son ♪
111
00:05:22,564 --> 00:05:25,139
♪ He's gonna take
a stringy bite ♪
112
00:05:25,159 --> 00:05:27,826
♪ The obesity epidemic ♪
113
00:05:28,053 --> 00:05:29,553
♪ Was starting to take hold ♪
114
00:05:29,646 --> 00:05:33,147
♪ So stuff your face
with pizza ♪
115
00:05:33,241 --> 00:05:35,125
♪ Before it gets too cold ♪
116
00:05:36,337 --> 00:05:38,837
♪ Before it gets
too cold, yeah! ♪
117
00:05:38,988 --> 00:05:41,048
Pizza!
118
00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:45,827
It's probably
just the pizza talking,
119
00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:48,180
but I love you guys.
120
00:05:50,166 --> 00:05:53,410
Um, the pizza guy's car
is still running outside.
121
00:05:53,428 --> 00:05:55,912
Four tires,
not one of them the same.
122
00:05:56,005 --> 00:05:58,339
-Is that guy still on the can?
-I'll check.
123
00:05:58,508 --> 00:05:59,566
Let's all check.
124
00:06:01,010 --> 00:06:02,152
(all gasp)
125
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:06,256
I think he's had a heart attack.
126
00:06:06,425 --> 00:06:07,440
He's dead.
127
00:06:07,593 --> 00:06:09,534
Oh, my God, Dad,
this is terrible.
128
00:06:09,611 --> 00:06:13,413
I know. Your mother
is gonna find out we had pizza.
129
00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:26,776
What the...
130
00:06:26,870 --> 00:06:29,036
This is not the room I reserved.
131
00:06:29,114 --> 00:06:30,614
This is the honeymoon suite.
132
00:06:30,707 --> 00:06:33,058
Was that, "This is
the honeymoon," comma, "sweet"?
133
00:06:33,227 --> 00:06:34,634
Or, like, "room"?
134
00:06:34,711 --> 00:06:36,786
Oh, you're not gonna
get away with this.
135
00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:38,455
I am gonna tweet mean stuff
136
00:06:38,473 --> 00:06:41,358
at celebrities
that look vaguely like you.
137
00:06:55,416 --> 00:06:57,323
Whoa, whoa,
I had nothing to do with this.
138
00:06:57,476 --> 00:06:59,309
-Then how did this happen?
-Well, I'm a platinum member
139
00:06:59,327 --> 00:07:00,810
at all the hotel chains,
140
00:07:00,829 --> 00:07:03,088
so they probably just
saw my name and upgraded us.
141
00:07:03,165 --> 00:07:05,148
Well, I don't know
if I'm comfortable with this.
142
00:07:05,167 --> 00:07:07,333
Oh, no problem.
Let me call the front desk
143
00:07:07,428 --> 00:07:09,911
and see if they can switch us
to a room with two beds.
144
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:13,265
Ah, yes, we were wondering if we
might be able to switch rooms?
145
00:07:13,492 --> 00:07:14,749
Uh-huh. I see.
146
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:17,327
So just a windowless single
with no water pressure?
147
00:07:17,420 --> 00:07:19,587
No, you know what, it's fine.
We're already here.
148
00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:21,831
My wife says, no, it's fine,
we're already here.
149
00:07:21,850 --> 00:07:24,776
(chuckles): Oh, you heard that.
Okay, thanks, anyway.
150
00:07:24,928 --> 00:07:26,336
But don't get any ideas,
151
00:07:26,354 --> 00:07:29,172
because nothing
is gonna happen between us.
152
00:07:29,265 --> 00:07:30,449
You have nothing to worry about.
153
00:07:30,676 --> 00:07:32,767
I'll be more of a gentleman
than John Wayne Bobbitt
154
00:07:32,861 --> 00:07:34,360
with his second wife.
155
00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:36,680
Hey, honey,
would you take out the trash?
156
00:07:36,773 --> 00:07:38,665
Yes, yeah, absolutely.
157
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:44,854
(panting)
Love it, love it. What else?
158
00:07:44,856 --> 00:07:47,632
Well, I have been dying to see
that new Rebel Wilson movie.
159
00:07:47,784 --> 00:07:49,801
I hear she raps, like, a lot.
160
00:07:50,028 --> 00:07:52,137
(sighs)
161
00:07:52,288 --> 00:07:54,598
Let's just do this.
162
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,480
Okay, we have to get rid
of this body
163
00:08:01,631 --> 00:08:03,206
so your mom can't
connect us with the pizza.
164
00:08:03,299 --> 00:08:04,874
Anybody got any ideas?
165
00:08:04,893 --> 00:08:06,651
We could put a yarmulke on him
166
00:08:06,878 --> 00:08:08,135
a-and dump him
in the town square.
167
00:08:08,230 --> 00:08:09,821
Pretend it's a hate crime.
168
00:08:10,048 --> 00:08:11,990
Chris, come on.
Where we gonna get a yarmulke?
169
00:08:12,217 --> 00:08:14,159
We should float him
with balloons, like in Up.
170
00:08:14,310 --> 00:08:17,070
-Then he's the sky's problem.
-(electronic ding)
171
00:08:17,222 --> 00:08:19,814
-Oh, my God, he got a text.
-Brian, get it.
172
00:08:19,908 --> 00:08:23,710
I'm not fishing it out of his
pants, 'cause I'm into chicks.
173
00:08:28,567 --> 00:08:30,583
Oh, no. This means there
are still undelivered pizzas
174
00:08:30,736 --> 00:08:32,677
-in his car.
-The restaurant's gonna know
175
00:08:32,829 --> 00:08:35,572
ours was the last one he dropped
off before he disappeared.
176
00:08:35,665 --> 00:08:38,833
Oh, my God, that means
Mom will find out.
177
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:41,094
Which means we got to deliver
the rest of his pizzas.
178
00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:43,580
And we'll leave him and his car
at the last stop.
179
00:08:43,673 --> 00:08:46,599
Well, if we're going in the car,
that means I can take the iPad.
180
00:08:46,752 --> 00:08:47,842
Mom said.
181
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:50,678
(mellow jazz playing)
182
00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:52,697
♪ ♪
183
00:08:56,261 --> 00:08:58,370
Okay, it's showtime.
184
00:08:59,598 --> 00:09:02,082
Ladies, you're
looking wealthy tonight.
185
00:09:02,158 --> 00:09:04,042
I'd like you to meet my husband.
186
00:09:04,193 --> 00:09:06,244
We're married, hence the rings.
187
00:09:06,396 --> 00:09:09,956
Enchanté.
I'm a pilot and I read books.
188
00:09:10,033 --> 00:09:12,533
This is
Madison Lexington-Broadway.
189
00:09:12,553 --> 00:09:15,036
She runs a scholarship
for underprivileged WASPs
190
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,113
who can only afford Cornell.
191
00:09:17,132 --> 00:09:19,115
My father shoots elephants.
192
00:09:19,134 --> 00:09:21,226
And Vivian Yachtbrunch,
193
00:09:21,377 --> 00:09:24,712
who sailed directly into the
building from Turks and Caicos.
194
00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:28,416
I summer in Antibes,
and I winter in the spring.
195
00:09:28,493 --> 00:09:30,569
And, of course,
Scowly Tight-Anus,
196
00:09:30,796 --> 00:09:34,964
the granddaughter of both
Henry Tight and Randolph Anus.
197
00:09:35,058 --> 00:09:38,076
We were a clipping
on the Jay Leno Program.
198
00:09:38,227 --> 00:09:40,728
May I say that you have
the breasts of an obese woman
199
00:09:40,897 --> 00:09:42,897
and the arms of an anorexic.
200
00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:44,657
(giggling, gasping)
201
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:47,043
('80s video game flourish plays)
202
00:09:57,931 --> 00:10:01,141
(continues mellow jazz melody)
203
00:10:06,498 --> 00:10:08,255
(song ends)
204
00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:10,333
Hey, this is a lot of fun
for everybody.
205
00:10:10,352 --> 00:10:12,944
Do you mind if I upstage you
at your job?
206
00:10:13,096 --> 00:10:14,762
Attention, everybody,
this is your captain.
207
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:17,006
I'm not going to turn on
the "fasten seatbelt" sign.
208
00:10:17,025 --> 00:10:19,008
You guys can do
whatever you want.
209
00:10:19,027 --> 00:10:21,102
(passengers applauding,
whooping)
210
00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:24,331
Now I get it. I'm sorry
I played your saxophone.
211
00:10:26,201 --> 00:10:28,384
God, this car is depressing.
212
00:10:28,386 --> 00:10:30,611
He's got three ashtrays in use.
213
00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:34,115
-Can you put on some music?
-There's no CD player.
214
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:37,360
Just a Discman
with a cassette plug-in.
215
00:10:37,379 --> 00:10:39,212
You ever heard of a band
called Special Delivery?
216
00:10:39,364 --> 00:10:41,364
Oh, no. It's his band.
217
00:10:41,457 --> 00:10:42,474
Oh, no.
218
00:10:42,701 --> 00:10:45,535
Oh, they're all in uniforms,
God bless 'em.
219
00:10:45,628 --> 00:10:47,871
Aw, dying on a stranger's
toilet seat is bad,
220
00:10:47,964 --> 00:10:49,055
but this is real bad.
221
00:10:49,224 --> 00:10:51,298
Dad, let's get back
to the pizzas.
222
00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:54,043
Right. We deliver the pizzas
and nobody calls the police.
223
00:10:54,062 --> 00:10:55,654
Now, where's our first stop?
224
00:10:55,805 --> 00:10:57,380
The police station.
225
00:10:57,399 --> 00:10:59,324
(exclaims)
226
00:11:06,074 --> 00:11:08,074
There are cameras everywhere.
227
00:11:08,226 --> 00:11:10,076
We can't be seen
leaving those pizzas.
228
00:11:10,228 --> 00:11:12,562
But he can.
229
00:11:12,580 --> 00:11:14,339
Good thinking, Chris.
All those in favor
230
00:11:14,490 --> 00:11:16,341
of Meg getting in the dead guy's
clothes with him
231
00:11:16,492 --> 00:11:18,918
and scarecrowing him in,
raise your hand.
232
00:11:19,070 --> 00:11:20,345
Fine, I'll do it.
233
00:11:20,496 --> 00:11:22,755
But only 'cause I'm starved
for human contact
234
00:11:22,832 --> 00:11:25,058
and he's not fully cold yet.
235
00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:38,755
Well, if it isn't Georgie,
my fourth-best friend,
236
00:11:38,924 --> 00:11:40,514
in the weirdly gray flesh.
237
00:11:40,683 --> 00:11:43,426
Haven't seen you
since I ordered that calzone.
238
00:11:43,445 --> 00:11:45,929
Hey, I hate to be the bearer
of bad shoes,
239
00:11:45,989 --> 00:11:47,947
but your sneaker's untied.
240
00:11:48,099 --> 00:11:49,666
(Meg sighs)
241
00:11:55,031 --> 00:11:56,548
Hey, I heard your guitar
got stolen,
242
00:11:56,699 --> 00:11:59,033
so I swiped you a new one
from the evidence locker.
243
00:11:59,127 --> 00:12:00,868
It used to belong
to Martin Shkreli.
244
00:12:00,962 --> 00:12:03,555
Surprisingly soulful balladeer.
245
00:12:03,706 --> 00:12:06,725
Okay, fine, you can play me
a song to thank me.
246
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,379
Hmm, I'm hearing
a little Clapton
247
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:15,625
mixed with hearing loss from
going to the gun range too much.
248
00:12:15,718 --> 00:12:17,643
We're one short
on the suspect lineup.
249
00:12:17,796 --> 00:12:20,480
Know anyone who could fill in?
250
00:12:20,632 --> 00:12:22,966
JOE (over speaker):
Well, the perpetrator was doing
a highly-choreographed routine
251
00:12:22,984 --> 00:12:24,650
during the assault,
so number three,
252
00:12:24,803 --> 00:12:26,894
please step forward
and perform the zombie dance
253
00:12:26,946 --> 00:12:28,229
from "Thriller."
254
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:30,231
MEG (muffled):
Oh, come on.
255
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:32,250
JOE:
Five, six, seven, eight.
256
00:12:32,477 --> 00:12:34,419
♪ ♪
257
00:12:41,744 --> 00:12:43,428
Whew. That was close.
258
00:12:43,655 --> 00:12:45,838
I'm glad to be done
delivering to places
259
00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:47,932
that are too risky
to walk a dead body into.
260
00:12:48,159 --> 00:12:49,750
What's next?
261
00:12:49,844 --> 00:12:51,661
The cadaver dog
training facility.
262
00:12:51,754 --> 00:12:53,521
(exclaims)
263
00:12:54,682 --> 00:12:56,191
(dogs barking)
264
00:13:07,028 --> 00:13:08,953
I've been waiting for you,
Georgie.
265
00:13:09,180 --> 00:13:12,457
I haven't eaten all day.
266
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:18,963
♪ ♪
267
00:13:21,359 --> 00:13:23,951
The pizza guy's having
a secret affair.
268
00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:27,430
Oh, to be single and dead again,
huh, Chris?
269
00:13:29,551 --> 00:13:31,059
Last stop.
270
00:13:33,814 --> 00:13:37,232
I ordered another pizza.
271
00:13:41,229 --> 00:13:42,654
Thank you all
for coming tonight.
272
00:13:42,881 --> 00:13:46,399
On your way out, please take
a complementary au pair.
273
00:13:46,568 --> 00:13:50,829
And, of course, au pair
is French for "with jugs."
274
00:13:50,980 --> 00:13:52,889
Your husband is remarkable.
275
00:13:52,949 --> 00:13:55,316
I am hereby changing
his designation
276
00:13:55,410 --> 00:13:57,985
from "charming" to "a triumph."
277
00:13:58,004 --> 00:13:59,820
Hear, hear.
278
00:13:59,914 --> 00:14:03,583
Before you, the one who'd done
the best in our group was Joan.
279
00:14:03,735 --> 00:14:06,235
She was married
to a functioning alcoholic.
280
00:14:06,254 --> 00:14:09,997
All our husbands
were Christmas suicides.
281
00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:12,075
Well, what can I say?
I'm a lucky woman.
282
00:14:12,093 --> 00:14:14,260
By the way, Lois,
when we get back to our room,
283
00:14:14,412 --> 00:14:16,746
you can choose the streaming
service we watch tonight.
284
00:14:16,764 --> 00:14:18,172
Even Crackle?
285
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,233
Eh, even Crackle.
286
00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:25,104
Oh, thanks for being
a great husband tonight.
287
00:14:25,256 --> 00:14:27,348
I mean, when you got
that standing ovation
288
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:30,093
for comparing the estate tax
to the Holocaust,
289
00:14:30,111 --> 00:14:32,261
I felt like
the belle of the ball.
290
00:14:32,430 --> 00:14:35,039
I really enjoyed spending time
with you, too.
291
00:14:35,934 --> 00:14:38,951
-So...
-So...
292
00:14:39,104 --> 00:14:41,212
He's a good guy.
Let him down easy.
293
00:14:41,439 --> 00:14:43,956
When he goes for the kiss,
just tell him that...
294
00:14:44,109 --> 00:14:46,125
Rose Byrne!
That's the actress
295
00:14:46,277 --> 00:14:47,701
I was trying
to remember earlier!
296
00:14:47,795 --> 00:14:49,536
Always good but never a star.
297
00:14:49,631 --> 00:14:52,281
Okay, I'll text Bonnie
about that later.
298
00:14:52,375 --> 00:14:54,434
♪ ♪
299
00:14:55,878 --> 00:14:57,136
I want you...
300
00:14:57,305 --> 00:14:59,713
to meet the cocktail waitress
I'm about to sleep with.
301
00:14:59,807 --> 00:15:01,065
What?
302
00:15:03,128 --> 00:15:04,644
This is Jenna.
You might remember her boobs
303
00:15:04,796 --> 00:15:07,054
from hovering over your shoulder
while pouring wine.
304
00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:08,981
I know I do.
305
00:15:09,058 --> 00:15:11,000
(Jenna moaning)
306
00:15:11,002 --> 00:15:12,559
I remember you.
You're the lady
307
00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:14,895
who moved her chair four times
because of the air conditioning
308
00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:17,916
and then asked the band if they
could play a little quieter.
309
00:15:18,067 --> 00:15:20,401
Two maracas. We get it--
you like to shake stuff.
310
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:22,403
But don't upstage the entrées.
311
00:15:22,497 --> 00:15:25,506
Anyway, we're taking off now.
Enjoy Crackle.
312
00:15:26,651 --> 00:15:28,075
I-I can't believe this.
313
00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:30,911
Well, I guess I could always
go down to the business center
314
00:15:31,005 --> 00:15:34,098
and get passively hit on
by all the losers.
315
00:15:34,325 --> 00:15:37,084
All right, that's one ticket.
316
00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:40,104
Economy plus.
(chuckles softly)
317
00:15:40,181 --> 00:15:41,847
Checking bags.
318
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:42,941
Several.
319
00:15:43,168 --> 00:15:45,759
Okay, and print.
320
00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:48,671
And... time to go home.
321
00:15:49,174 --> 00:15:52,116
I'm not staying here.
I just don't own a printer.
322
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:01,442
Oh, look who decided to show up.
323
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,019
Hey, Lois.
That was some night.
324
00:16:03,112 --> 00:16:05,188
You'll be happy to know
I was able to perform
325
00:16:05,281 --> 00:16:07,781
on a four-inch-thick futon
in front of three roommates.
326
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:10,526
You know, the hotel sent
champagne up for us last night.
327
00:16:10,545 --> 00:16:12,545
Oh, why didn't you send it
to me and Jenna?
328
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:14,305
Well, no sense wasting it.
329
00:16:14,457 --> 00:16:15,473
(sighs):
Ah...
330
00:16:15,700 --> 00:16:17,717
Hey, did you end up working out
in the morning
331
00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:19,218
like you said you were gonna?
332
00:16:19,295 --> 00:16:21,370
What was it, 40 minutes cardio,
then a Pilates class?
333
00:16:21,389 --> 00:16:23,055
Did you do both of those?
334
00:16:23,132 --> 00:16:25,149
No, I didn't do both of those.
335
00:16:25,301 --> 00:16:27,819
-So just one?
-I did neither of them.
336
00:16:28,046 --> 00:16:30,154
Ouch. Well, thanks again
for inviting me.
337
00:16:30,306 --> 00:16:32,215
This has been fun.
338
00:16:32,233 --> 00:16:33,883
First pee afterwards.
339
00:16:33,901 --> 00:16:35,067
Whoa!
340
00:16:35,220 --> 00:16:37,887
(chuckles)
Lois, I'm using all the towels.
341
00:16:37,889 --> 00:16:39,831
(classical music playing)
342
00:16:40,908 --> 00:16:43,392
-♪ ♪
-(indistinct conversations)
343
00:16:43,411 --> 00:16:45,486
...and then I said,
"Not today, geese,"
344
00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:48,155
and I landed that
passenger plane on the Hudson.
345
00:16:48,249 --> 00:16:50,249
As someone who didn't watch
the news in 2009
346
00:16:50,385 --> 00:16:52,343
and doesn't care
for Tom Hanks films,
347
00:16:52,495 --> 00:16:56,163
that is the most riveting story
I have ever heard.
348
00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:58,924
Ladies and gentleman, this
is your brunch captain speaking.
349
00:16:59,077 --> 00:17:01,244
It's gonna be a bumpy ride,
'cause...
350
00:17:01,262 --> 00:17:02,745
I'm making mimosas.
351
00:17:02,838 --> 00:17:04,689
Only thing bumpy around here
352
00:17:04,916 --> 00:17:06,582
is that strained
airplane metaphor.
353
00:17:06,675 --> 00:17:08,918
What is this,
Mutters Against Drunk Driving?
354
00:17:08,936 --> 00:17:10,586
Lois, have a drink.
355
00:17:10,605 --> 00:17:12,697
Ladies, I took the liberty
of requesting our meal
356
00:17:12,848 --> 00:17:14,590
be soy-free,
meat-free, gluten-free,
357
00:17:14,609 --> 00:17:17,035
dairy-free, cage-free,
carb-free and cruelty-free.
358
00:17:17,186 --> 00:17:19,220
And then I snuck you each
a cinnamon bun,
359
00:17:19,355 --> 00:17:21,706
because all that other stuff's
for Democrats.
360
00:17:21,783 --> 00:17:23,783
Oh, he's wonderful.
361
00:17:23,859 --> 00:17:25,710
Lois, where did you find him?
362
00:17:25,861 --> 00:17:27,528
Oh, you think he's so wonderful?
363
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:30,364
Last night he screwed
the cocktail waitress.
364
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:31,774
(all gasp)
365
00:17:31,793 --> 00:17:34,868
(sobbing)
366
00:17:34,962 --> 00:17:37,463
I'm sorry, ladies.
I have deceived you.
367
00:17:37,615 --> 00:17:40,141
So I'll just collect
my free au pair.
368
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:43,710
And one for my wife.
369
00:17:43,805 --> 00:17:45,980
And I'll be on my way.
370
00:17:48,793 --> 00:17:50,810
-What is your problem?
-Get away from me.
371
00:17:50,962 --> 00:17:52,128
What's going on with you?
372
00:17:52,221 --> 00:17:53,796
I thought I made
such a good impression.
373
00:17:53,815 --> 00:17:57,558
-We had those ladies fooled.
-Just leave me alone, Glenn.
374
00:17:57,652 --> 00:17:59,819
I did exactly what you wanted.
I didn't make a move.
375
00:17:59,971 --> 00:18:01,395
I didn't even come close.
376
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,730
(groans)
That's the problem.
377
00:18:03,825 --> 00:18:05,308
You wanted me to?
378
00:18:05,326 --> 00:18:08,628
Well, I... I wanted you to try.
379
00:18:09,814 --> 00:18:11,163
I wanted you to try.
380
00:18:11,316 --> 00:18:14,741
Then I could shoot you down
and feel sexually desirable
381
00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:17,153
and morally superior.
382
00:18:17,246 --> 00:18:18,838
But you're both those things.
383
00:18:18,990 --> 00:18:20,172
Yeah, you say that now,
384
00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:22,934
but last night you were out
boinking that waitress.
385
00:18:23,161 --> 00:18:25,511
Now, how do you think
that made me feel, huh?
386
00:18:25,663 --> 00:18:28,272
It made me feel like
my best years are behind me.
387
00:18:28,499 --> 00:18:31,033
Well, that's not true at all.
I didn't make a move on you
388
00:18:31,093 --> 00:18:32,960
because you're
my best friend's wife.
389
00:18:32,962 --> 00:18:35,855
That... that is true.
390
00:18:36,007 --> 00:18:37,431
Besides, you know me.
391
00:18:37,525 --> 00:18:38,841
I'm not a one-gal guy.
392
00:18:38,860 --> 00:18:40,843
Last night I was with Jenna
for only four hours,
393
00:18:40,936 --> 00:18:42,603
and I cheated on her
with the woman
394
00:18:42,697 --> 00:18:44,104
who was fixing the ice machine.
395
00:18:44,198 --> 00:18:46,182
Hands were a little cold,
but we got there.
396
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:47,683
I used that ice.
397
00:18:47,685 --> 00:18:49,460
Hopefully before 2:30 a.m.
398
00:18:49,537 --> 00:18:50,944
Look, if you wanted a decent guy
399
00:18:51,038 --> 00:18:53,022
who's only been into you
and only you,
400
00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:54,298
you should have brought Peter.
401
00:18:54,450 --> 00:18:56,876
You know what? You're right.
402
00:18:56,970 --> 00:18:58,970
So what if he drinks too much?
403
00:18:59,197 --> 00:19:00,972
So what if he weighs too much?
404
00:19:01,199 --> 00:19:03,307
So what if he thinks
Scrappy-Doo is the better Doo?
405
00:19:03,534 --> 00:19:06,793
He's a loyal husband
and a good man.
406
00:19:06,888 --> 00:19:10,389
Oh, I should never have been
embarrassed to bring him.
407
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:12,817
And I shouldn't need
the attention of another man
408
00:19:12,968 --> 00:19:15,486
-to feel sexy and young.
-That's right.
409
00:19:15,713 --> 00:19:19,231
Hey, why don't we continue
our discussion in the shower?
410
00:19:19,384 --> 00:19:20,733
A little wet-à-tête.
411
00:19:20,885 --> 00:19:22,976
(gasps)
How dare you?
412
00:19:23,070 --> 00:19:25,621
And thank you.
413
00:19:35,249 --> 00:19:36,841
All right,
Lois is gonna be home soon,
414
00:19:36,992 --> 00:19:38,250
so we got to fix this now.
415
00:19:38,403 --> 00:19:39,993
Why don't we just
shove him in the sewer,
416
00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:41,495
let the clowns have at him?
417
00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:44,682
I'm good with anything that
keeps Pennywise off my jock.
418
00:19:44,909 --> 00:19:46,559
Sounds like a plan.
419
00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:52,248
Hold on, Peter.
This feels wrong.
420
00:19:52,266 --> 00:19:54,600
We can't just dump him
facedown into raw sewage
421
00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:56,694
without saying a few words.
422
00:19:56,921 --> 00:19:58,512
You're right, Brian.
423
00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,156
I'll do the honors.
424
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:04,610
It feels like just yesterday
425
00:20:04,762 --> 00:20:07,613
when he came into our lives
carrying a pizza we bought.
426
00:20:07,765 --> 00:20:09,856
I always loved how
he looked around the house
427
00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:11,450
a little too much while I was
428
00:20:11,602 --> 00:20:13,211
digging the money
out of my wallet.
429
00:20:13,362 --> 00:20:15,955
And who can forget
his license plate number:
430
00:20:16,107 --> 00:20:18,382
7-G-something-something-5.
431
00:20:18,609 --> 00:20:21,126
More sweat than you're
used to seeing on a fella,
432
00:20:21,203 --> 00:20:23,629
but that's what
moisture-wicking shirts are for.
433
00:20:23,781 --> 00:20:27,391
His nails were dirty,
but his heart was pure.
434
00:20:27,543 --> 00:20:30,394
Okay, time to drop him
in a river of dung.
435
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:35,458
He's stuck!
436
00:20:35,551 --> 00:20:36,901
Oh, crap, it's Lois.
437
00:20:37,052 --> 00:20:40,196
Peter, what the hell
is going on?
438
00:20:41,299 --> 00:20:42,648
You ordered pizza, didn't you?
439
00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:45,651
-Yes, ma'am.
-Oh, I don't care.
440
00:20:45,803 --> 00:20:47,319
I love you, Peter.
441
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:48,246
Mm.
442
00:20:48,397 --> 00:20:50,230
And I have a confession for you:
443
00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:52,566
I went to my high school reunion
this weekend,
444
00:20:52,643 --> 00:20:54,585
and I didn't invite you.
445
00:20:54,737 --> 00:20:55,920
What?
446
00:20:56,071 --> 00:20:59,173
Thank you.
Oh, thank you!