♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Good morning, Peter. Hope you enjoyed sleeping in.
Oh, there's no sleeping in when you're an alcoholic, Lois.
You just never go to sleep.
Happy Valentine's Day, honey.
(gasps) You actually remembered it was Valentine's Day.
Of course I did.
Look, I know in years past,
I haven't always been the most thoughtful partner.
I'm often self-centered, confuse my words, and shellfish.
But I love you today and every day.
You are our family's rock,
which is why I got you this.
Oh, jewelry.
Like in a commercial.
A Pedalton?
Okay, can I talk to you upstairs for a near-the-vent argument?
How dare you buy me something that suggests I need exercise!
PETER: This is a loud way to say thank you.
Anybody have Valentine's Day in the divorce pool?
That would be Meg.
Boom, boom, boom.
Picked a holiday. Smart. She's smart.
I just thought you'd like it. I saw it on The Today Show.
Second hour with Hoda and Savannah
or third hour with the nonsense people?
-Second hour. -Where is it?
♪ ♪
Good morning.
I'm your instructor, Cody Spraytan.
Are you ready to pedal so hard your periods go away?
Yes! It's not healthy, but it's convenient.
Now we're gonna sprint
while I tell a distracting personal story
about how I almost met Adam Levine.
It's 2016. It's Vegas.
I'm coming off a horrible breakup.
First pool party in,
I see who I think is a dirty man with tattoos,
and I'm like, "Ugh."
But then I'm like, "Wait a minute."
Huh, I think I'll try a scenic ride this morning.
Let's see. Uh, California Coastline,
Gardens of Singapo...
Oh, The Tour De Franz.
Pull over here. Let's get a sausage.
LOIS: We just started, Dennis.
I once watched a squirrel get hit by a car right here,
and I saw one get hit by a truck over there.
Yeah, you've seen a lot of squirrels
get hit by a lot of things.
There are a lot of stupid squirrels.
Shouldn't you be wearing bike shorts
-instead of jean shorts? -Eh, shorts are shorts.
Oh, hey, there's a stop sign coming.
Give it the finger and ride through.
-(tires screech) -(horn honks)
Bite me!
This isn't very fun. When are we done?
We ride until my ass falls out.
It's already out.
Then we're done.
(gasps) What the hell?
(chuckles)
You're not taking this from me, bitch.
(chuckles) Suck it, Bon.
I hope that mascara burns your eyes out.
How's that cheap wine headache?
(chuckles) Go roll in dirt, you pig.
Your hair dye stinks! Tell your daughter
-to stop watching me change! -Tell your son to stop watching me change!
Peter, go cut her power!
-Hey. -Hey.
(shower running)
Oh, someone's in here.
(shower turns off)
♪ ♪
Whoa, did we get that European exchange student
I saw on TikTok?
Hey, little man.
Lois?
But you're... you're... hot.
All right, everyone out.
I got a soupy keister.
Wow, Mom. You are looking fit.
Yeah, you're ripped.
You look like Madonn... (choking)
You want to say that again?
Who do I look like?
The mom from Modern Family.
-(coughs) -That's right. Julie Bowen.
That's the appropriate answer.
What do you think of Lois's new look?
I say this in the most respectful way possible,
but don't you think she looks a little...
-mannish? -Mannish. Yeah, awesome, right?
Yeah, I got to say, Peter, I love that bike.
Hey, maybe you should give it a try, huh?
No way. Name one cool person who rides a bike.
Kermit the Fro...
Okay, skinny legs, here I come.
WOMAN: Good morning. Are you ready to sweat?
-I woke up sweating. -Okay, let's climb this hill!
I want to impress you
but also see if I can peek down your sports bra.
Ow! Ow! Ow! My balls.
No, the other ones.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
(high-pitched): Ow! Ow! Ow!
Did you hear that?
-I think Peter hurt his balls. -I didn't hear anything.
Hmm. Must have been at a frequency only dogs can hear.
(phone chimes)
(dogs barking)
Excuse me, I have to go bark.
(barking)
(high-pitched): So, what do you think happened
to my voice, Doc?
Peter, I'm afraid you suffered
something called Pedalton Balls.
Here's a video explaining everything.
Hi, I'm Oliver Platt,
here to talk to you about Pedalton Balls,
a painful condition where your testicles
get lodged next to your voice box.
It's actually part of a long list of ailments
that fat guys suffer when they try to exercise.
These include
Trapped Fart Disorder,
Jump Rope Tangles,
Push-Up Butt,
Sock-Skin Foot and Jog Fog,
where your sweat condenses into a functioning cloud.
But don't worry. With the help of gravity,
Pedalton Balls will clear itself.
While you're waiting,
check out my 1993 medium hit The Three Musketeers,
because I only do movies
with titles that are also candy bars.
Isn't there anything I can do
to help my voice get back to normal faster?
I don't know, I just like putting on videos.
I guess try doing something with a lot of needless standing?
All rise.
Before we start communion,
we have a few church announcements.
First off, I'm seeing a lot of AirPods in ears,
so let's get that under control.
Secondly, all hymns now identify as "they."
And, of course, "amen" is now "athem."
Athem.
ALL: Athem.
(organ music playing)
Stewie, how would you like
to go to a Mommy & Me class with me tomorrow, huh?
They haven't seen my new look yet,
and I feel like I need a win in front of the Range Rover mom.
Are you asking me out on a date?
Well, I'm gonna have to get waxed first.
I want you to make it look like Caillou.
-The Body of Christ. -Thank you, Father.
Your voice. It's pristine.
You know, one of our altar boys called in sick today.
How would you like to fill in for him in the choir?
Well, okay.
But only if God will kill a bunch of babies for no reason.
That's not a problem.
God does that a lot in the Bible.
♪ ♪
("To Jesus Christ, Our Sovereign King" playing)
♪ To Jesus Christ, our sovereign king ♪
♪ Who is the world's salvation. ♪
They're falling asleep out there.
We got to kick this up a notch.
-Follow my lead. -We don't know who you are.
♪ Tragedy ♪
♪ When church is lame and you miss the game, it's a tragedy ♪
♪ When your bum goes numb from kneeling some ♪
♪ It's a tragedy. ♪
(cheering)
Wow, that was amazing!
How would you like to be a regular member of the choir?
I'll do it, buddy, under one condition:
we shake like that epic handshake meme.
You got a deal, buddy.
Everyone, let's take out our drums for drum circle.
You ready to play again? Me, too.
My refraction period is very short.
I finish fast, but I can go a lot.
Some people prefer that.
A good refractor.
("Tum Ho Toh Lagta Hain" by Amaal Mallik & Shaan playing)
Now let me do you.
Is everyone watching?
Are they impressed with how quickly I refracted?
♪ He died for us, he died for us ♪
♪ In the Bible, the holy Bible ♪
♪ Messiah sleeps tonight. ♪
That was wonderful, Peter.
Way better than our previous choir
who killed half our congregation during COVID.
You really think you can just come in here
-and steal our spotlight? -Aw, Spotlight.
Yeah, before you came, I was wrist-deep
in every old lady's casserole.
Now I'm lucky if I get just a sniff
of an old lady's casserole.
I like this story.
If you knew what was good for you, you'd quit right now.
I'm not quitting. And I'm not gonna be bullied
by some noodle-armed kids.
Hey, we're tough Catholic kids. We've been assaulted
by an army of older brothers and sisters our entire lives.
You ever have an older sister sit on your head
for an entire Notre Dame football game?
-Because I have. -Hey, Peter,
what did the kneeling apparatus say to the ankle?
-"Pew." -(grunts)
(boys laugh)
I'm your rides home, guys.
Okay, I'm gonna go heat up your bottle, Stewie.
I'll be right back.
Hey, how was your "date"?
It's still going. (clicks tongue)
-I'm pretty close to done with this. -When we parked the car,
she did that thing where she leaned over
and unbuckled me from my car seat.
And she took a little extra time
fishing around for that bottom safety belt.
You know what that means. (clicks tongue)
-Please stop. -The only downside is she has kids.
But I said I'm cool with it, and whoosh, the doors flew open.
That's a little tip. I've got a little tip, too.
-(clicks tongue) -Yes?
-What? -Someone did... (clicks tongue)
-I'm here now. What is it? -Oh.
Uh, n-no, I was using that to punctuate my sentences.
Don't do that. I walked very far
thinking I'd get a carrot. Very far.
There's no carrots, guys.
So, this is my place.
I'm living with my parents right now,
which isn't preferred,
but they always keep yogurt in the fridge,
so that's pretty tight.
All right, good night, Stewie.
I had a really nice day with you.
-(door closes) -Wait, that's it?
You're leaving? I thought...
(crying)
Oh, my little buddy.
You're upset. Okay, okay, I'll tell you what.
You can sleep with Mommy in the big bed tonight, okay?
The big bed?
Well, Rupert, don't wait up, 'cause I'm gonna be...
(snoring)
-(knock on door) -Father,
can I talk to you for a minute?
Peter, come in. What's on your mind?
It's just I really like singing here.
I finally found a way I can positively contribute in church.
But the other choirboys hate me.
You know, a wise man once said,
"The thing about humanity
is that we get stronger with adversity."
Who said that? Jesus?
No, it was Justin Bieber's dad on Twitter.
The answer to pretty much all of life's questions
are on Twitter. Try there.
So you're not gonna help me?
Oh, I'm not allowed to talk to kids alone.
Not because of anything I did.
It was, you know, all the other dingbats.
Well, I guess I'm on my own, then.
MAN: Oh, no, you're not.
♪ ♪
Jesus?
I am here to help you with your problem.
You're gonna help me win an Emmy?
Whoa, no, no, no. Your choir problem.
There's some things not even I can do.
-Maybe you can ask your dad? -I'm not gonna ask my dad.
Uh-oh, someone better call Noah,
because I think one of his hippos fell off the ark.
(laughs) Bible burn.
Come on, guys. I came here to make peace.
And I brought someone with me who I think you'll listen to:
Jesus Christ.
♪ ♪
That's not Jesus. Why's he so tan?
Yeah, everyone knows that Jesus was Paul Bettany pale.
Guys, it's really me.
Now, let's talk about the power of forgiveness
while I lean on my own knee.
Ew, look at his toenails.
They're so long and yellow.
They keep growing after you die, okay?
You guys are supposed to listen to me.
Hey, want to know what my favorite book of the Bible is?
The Old Testes-ment.
That's not how you say it.
They're gonna kick you in the schnutz.
(groans)
Those kids are really mean.
Well, we're taking a new approach.
You're gonna beat the crap out of them,
and I'm gonna help you do it.
But would I be the first person
to be violent to someone else in the name of Jesus Christ?
(chuckles) No, that's kind of religion's whole deal.
Morning. Sorry if I'm walking a little funny.
Crazy night.
Hey, so don't tell anybody,
but I slept with Lois last night.
Who are you gonna tell? Chris?
You can tell Chris.
I don't know what you think you're doing,
but it's not what you think you're doing.
Look, all I know is I woke up sideways
on the other end of the bed from where I started.
But tonight is the night.
It is going down.
-What is? -It.
-What's "it"? -Capital "I," capital "T."
-That's still nothing. -Turn on Kenny Loggins,
-because "This Is It." -What?
The IT department called, and they asked for a lot of RAM.
Well, that one kind of makes sense.
After tonight, Cousin It isn't gonna be the only one
-covered in hair. -Okay, nope. I'm out.
Gonna go finish my coffee in the sunroom.
Chris was FaceTiming with a foot in there.
I'm gonna just call it a day. Go to sleep.
Dogs can just do that.
(snoring)
CHRIS: Does anyone know how to send athlete's foot spray to Romania?
All right, that's all of 'em.
Good. Now go refill all the holy water.
What am I doing here?
Stow the hymnals, dust the altar.
I'm supposed to be training to fight,
and you're having me clean the church.
Show me "Sign of the Cross."
No. Really show me.
(grunting)
Now show me "Stow the Hymnals."
(grunting)
Oh, you've been teaching me this whole time.
I love these scenes.
Now show me "Book of Mark."
Ow! I didn't do the reading ones.
Tonight is the night, Rupert.
She's gonna be here any minute,
and I need everything to be perfect.
You finally get to watch, you little freak.
Oh, well, look at you, Mr. Sleepyhead.
Mind if I join you?
Don't mind at all.
Wait. Where's that rippling hot bod?
Oh, it feels good to have my old body back.
I used that Pedalton for three days.
They said that was a world record.
And I am out of here.
No, you can't still watch.
There's nothing to watch. It's not happening.
♪ ♪
(boys laugh)
(doors open)
We told you to get lost, Griffin.
I did get lost.
In the power of Christ.
Go get him, boys.
(grunting)
Looks like someone learned how to fight.
Yeah, I did a whole Karate Kid thing.
What's that? I'm only allowed to watch Kirk Cameron movies.
Aw, you poor dude. (grunts)
(grunting)
-(groans) -Just give up already.
You're finished.
(dramatic music playing)
Finish him.
(grunts)
Yeah! Eat cross!
-You did it, Peter. -Yeah! High five!
Cool scar.
(rumbling)
(grunts)
(normal voice): Ow, my balls!
Ow, my balls?
Hey, my voice is back to normal.
Oh, well, look at that.
I guess you can't sing in the choir anymore.
I guess not.
Hey, you guys want to call a truce?
And maybe don't tell your dads I beat you up?
Yeah. That's probably a good idea.
Hey, why you guys so mean anyway?
What did anybody ever do to a bunch of choirboys?
-(whispers indistinctly) -Oh, my stars.
(instrumental version of "Tragedy" playing)
♪ ♪
Hi, I'm Lois Griffin.
Please, before you buy one of these pieces of equipment,
think about if it's gonna be better than watching Ozark.
Thank you.
(grunts) Damn it! Who put that weight there?!