1 00:00:02,319 --> 00:00:04,728 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,747 --> 00:00:07,748 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,900 --> 00:00:11,343 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,570 --> 00:00:14,346 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,573 --> 00:00:17,999 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,093 --> 00:00:21,353 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,505 --> 00:00:22,855 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,082 --> 00:00:24,189 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,341 --> 00:00:30,154 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:30,865 --> 00:00:33,073 ♪ ♪ 11 00:00:35,277 --> 00:00:37,261 ANNOUNCER: Hey, kids, don't be left out 12 00:00:37,279 --> 00:00:39,263 this Christmas-- top your wish list with 13 00:00:39,281 --> 00:00:42,357 the toy of the season, Happy Asking Panda! 14 00:00:43,285 --> 00:00:45,210 Made in China, Happy Asking Panda has 15 00:00:45,362 --> 00:00:46,937 many questions for you. 16 00:00:47,030 --> 00:00:48,455 What is your favorite color? 17 00:00:48,607 --> 00:00:50,549 What is your parents' political affiliation? 18 00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:53,201 What is your approximate household income? 19 00:00:53,262 --> 00:00:56,371 All of these questions and so many more! 20 00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,282 His eyes light up when he's happy, 21 00:00:58,300 --> 00:01:00,542 or when credit cards are held in front of him! 22 00:01:00,636 --> 00:01:02,636 Hold Happy Asking Panda over the keyboard 23 00:01:02,788 --> 00:01:06,214 while entering passwords and watch him dance. 24 00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:08,809 I love you, Happy Asking Panda! 25 00:01:08,961 --> 00:01:10,977 PANDA: Upload complete! 26 00:01:11,072 --> 00:01:12,479 Order today and it will arrive 27 00:01:12,631 --> 00:01:15,491 for happy American Christmas and time of wonder. 28 00:01:18,395 --> 00:01:20,320 I must. 29 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:21,988 Have. That. Toy. 30 00:01:22,141 --> 00:01:23,807 What, are you serious? 31 00:01:23,900 --> 00:01:25,250 Of course I'm serious, I'm a child 32 00:01:25,477 --> 00:01:26,977 and I just saw a commercial! 33 00:01:27,070 --> 00:01:28,161 Or maybe you don't want me to have 34 00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:29,421 a happy American Christmas. 35 00:01:29,573 --> 00:01:31,423 Of course I do. But do you really not 36 00:01:31,575 --> 00:01:33,408 see that you're crassly manifesting 37 00:01:33,502 --> 00:01:36,428 the very consumerism on which Christmas is built? 38 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:39,414 Chris, can you please put the dog out? 39 00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:40,657 Yes, sir! 40 00:01:40,676 --> 00:01:43,084 (grunts) 41 00:01:43,104 --> 00:01:44,661 Thank you, Chris. 42 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:45,604 Hey! 43 00:01:45,831 --> 00:01:47,606 It's very cold out here. 44 00:01:47,833 --> 00:01:49,683 Okay, everyone, time to leave for the traditional 45 00:01:49,835 --> 00:01:51,593 town tree lighting ceremony. 46 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,094 What's happening now? I can't hear her. 47 00:01:53,114 --> 00:01:55,114 Sweet. Tree lighting. 48 00:01:55,265 --> 00:01:57,507 (clucks tongue) Guess that means it's showtime. 49 00:01:57,526 --> 00:01:58,892 Wait, what is this? 50 00:01:58,953 --> 00:02:00,119 Oh, nothing. 51 00:02:00,346 --> 00:02:01,436 Just my own tradition 52 00:02:01,530 --> 00:02:03,363 of putting four dozen hard-boiled eggs 53 00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:05,532 in a Kroger bag and passing them out at the tree lighting. 54 00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:08,276 Okay, we get it, Meg, you're dark and different. 55 00:02:08,370 --> 00:02:10,871 Wow, Meg really is dark and different. 56 00:02:11,023 --> 00:02:12,947 Yeah, they call me "Meg the Egg." 57 00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:14,782 'Cause of my big bag of eggs. 58 00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:16,951 (chuckles) I hope you guys don't start calling me that, 59 00:02:16,971 --> 00:02:18,453 but you can if you want to. 60 00:02:18,547 --> 00:02:20,288 Oh, is this the "Meg the Egg" thing? 61 00:02:20,382 --> 00:02:22,224 Yeah, no one's on board with that. 62 00:02:29,984 --> 00:02:31,984 Whoa, Quahog! 63 00:02:32,211 --> 00:02:33,894 Whoa, there! Whoa! 64 00:02:33,988 --> 00:02:35,896 Whoa. 65 00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:37,547 Welcome, one and all, 66 00:02:37,566 --> 00:02:40,400 to the annual tree lighting ceremony. 67 00:02:40,552 --> 00:02:42,161 All right, Meg the Egg! 68 00:02:42,388 --> 00:02:44,329 Huevo me! 69 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,315 Mmm, perfect yolks this year. 70 00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:49,168 (mouth full): Four and a half minutes. 71 00:02:49,395 --> 00:02:52,320 Now, don't you worry, y'all will have a chance to line up 72 00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:55,749 and meet Santy and let him know what dry goods you need. 73 00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,734 And right here in front of City Hall, 74 00:02:57,827 --> 00:03:00,921 I'm placing this wooden nativity scene that I whittled myself 75 00:03:01,015 --> 00:03:03,348 from a beech tree what was rat-tailed 76 00:03:03,575 --> 00:03:07,686 by lightning in the recent meteorological electricities. 77 00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:13,174 Oh, great, just what we need. 78 00:03:13,268 --> 00:03:15,268 A religious display on government property. 79 00:03:15,421 --> 00:03:18,255 Can't believe this is what my tax dollars are paying for. 80 00:03:18,273 --> 00:03:21,015 (scoffs) Last I heard, you never paid taxes in your life. 81 00:03:21,035 --> 00:03:23,202 Only 'cause I've never made enough money! Ha! 82 00:03:23,429 --> 00:03:25,946 Brian, I can laugh at a lot of things, 83 00:03:26,098 --> 00:03:28,782 but Jesus Christ is not two of them. 84 00:03:28,934 --> 00:03:31,025 Yeah, come on, Brian, it's Christmas. 85 00:03:31,119 --> 00:03:33,378 Have an egg. Enjoy yourself. 86 00:03:33,530 --> 00:03:36,106 Okay, now to light the Christmas tree 87 00:03:36,199 --> 00:03:37,941 by telling this child's toy 88 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:40,034 my mother's maiden name. 89 00:03:40,054 --> 00:03:42,679 Abernathy. 90 00:03:44,466 --> 00:03:45,873 (crowd cheering) 91 00:03:45,968 --> 00:03:48,727 Yay! Very holiday data information! 92 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,790 I guess Santa's getting ready to rack up 93 00:03:53,809 --> 00:03:55,809 those frequent flyer miles, huh? 94 00:03:55,961 --> 00:03:57,753 Yeah, we all read your tweets, Joe. 95 00:03:57,755 --> 00:03:59,238 Smash that "like" button. 96 00:03:59,465 --> 00:04:02,032 Hey, check it out, Peter, it's Ebenezer Pooch. 97 00:04:03,986 --> 00:04:05,893 We should mess with him by putting only 98 00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:07,579 Christmas songs on the jukebox. 99 00:04:07,806 --> 00:04:09,473 Cleveland, I got just the song. 100 00:04:09,566 --> 00:04:11,065 ("Life Is a Highway" by Tom Cochrane playing) 101 00:04:11,159 --> 00:04:13,085 ♪ Life is a highway ♪ 102 00:04:13,236 --> 00:04:15,087 ♪ I want to ride it... ♪ 103 00:04:15,314 --> 00:04:16,904 Wait, what the hell is this? 104 00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:19,407 Only the best Christmas song ever. 105 00:04:19,501 --> 00:04:21,760 I tell you, no matter when I hear this baby, 106 00:04:21,911 --> 00:04:23,820 I start smelling pine. 107 00:04:23,913 --> 00:04:25,413 Joe, this is not a holiday song. 108 00:04:25,507 --> 00:04:27,248 He never once mentions Christmas! 109 00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:29,509 No, it's about Santa. 110 00:04:29,661 --> 00:04:31,085 All night long. 111 00:04:31,105 --> 00:04:34,164 On the highway... delivering presents. 112 00:04:34,182 --> 00:04:36,016 The video takes place in a field! 113 00:04:36,110 --> 00:04:37,276 In what is clearly summer! 114 00:04:37,427 --> 00:04:39,260 Quagmire, many parts of the world are 115 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:40,779 arid during the holy season. 116 00:04:40,930 --> 00:04:42,948 Including where Jesus was born. 117 00:04:43,175 --> 00:04:44,858 Or perhaps the singer's Australian. 118 00:04:45,010 --> 00:04:45,951 He's not Australian! 119 00:04:46,102 --> 00:04:48,120 He name-checks Vancouver in the song! 120 00:04:48,347 --> 00:04:51,031 A guy from Australia can't know where Vancouver is? 121 00:04:51,125 --> 00:04:52,624 Feels kind of racist. 122 00:04:52,776 --> 00:04:54,126 Mm-hmm. 123 00:04:54,353 --> 00:04:56,369 Damn it, Joe! We're supposed to be annoying Brian! 124 00:04:56,463 --> 00:04:57,704 Not this! 125 00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:58,872 Oh, okay, I get it. 126 00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,690 Everybody pile on the one person 127 00:05:00,709 --> 00:05:03,318 who actually sees the truth about Christmas. 128 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:05,545 You know, you guys know all-- what this holiday 129 00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:08,956 is all about, right? It's all about this. 130 00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,475 The world's smallest violin? 131 00:05:10,627 --> 00:05:11,959 A scrotal massage? 132 00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:13,145 "Ah, just like in the old country"? 133 00:05:13,296 --> 00:05:15,872 We're more word people than gesture people. 134 00:05:15,891 --> 00:05:16,890 No! Money! 135 00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:18,633 It's all about money! 136 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,819 Is Christmas really so awful? 137 00:05:20,970 --> 00:05:23,655 I don't know, I-I just-- I can't stand how everyone buys 138 00:05:23,807 --> 00:05:25,640 into this annual mass hypnosis. 139 00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:29,736 I mean, like, do not even get me started on Christmas caroling. 140 00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:30,978 No, go ahead. I'm listening. 141 00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:32,313 No, that's-that's what I mean. 142 00:05:32,333 --> 00:05:33,648 Like, do not get me started. 143 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,575 Trust me, you, you will be here all night. 144 00:05:35,727 --> 00:05:37,819 I've got time. I'm officially getting you started. 145 00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,004 -Name one thing. -(exhales) 146 00:05:39,231 --> 00:05:40,580 I mean, where do I start? 147 00:05:40,732 --> 00:05:42,156 The things I have to say 148 00:05:42,176 --> 00:05:44,734 about caroling. It's like, how long have you got? 149 00:05:44,828 --> 00:05:46,511 I've got all night, no one to go home to-- let's hear it. 150 00:05:46,738 --> 00:05:49,255 Yeah, okay... well, I mean, first there's the... 151 00:05:49,408 --> 00:05:50,832 -you know, the singing. -(imitates buzzer) 152 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:53,076 You know what, screw you guys! 153 00:05:53,095 --> 00:05:54,911 All right, screw Frosty! 154 00:05:54,930 --> 00:05:56,188 Screw Vince Guaraldi! 155 00:05:56,357 --> 00:05:58,357 Screw both Rankin and Bass! 156 00:05:59,843 --> 00:06:03,753 Well, I'm with him on Rankin, but, come on, what did Bass do? 157 00:06:03,772 --> 00:06:06,013 -(tires squealing) -(horns honking) 158 00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:08,091 Stupid Christmas. 159 00:06:08,184 --> 00:06:10,202 What kind of name is Blitzen anyway, what is that? 160 00:06:10,353 --> 00:06:12,612 That's like-- that's not a name... it's a football... 161 00:06:12,764 --> 00:06:14,664 something. 162 00:06:16,618 --> 00:06:18,085 -(horn honks) -(gasps) 163 00:06:19,028 --> 00:06:21,004 Aah! Son of a bitch! 164 00:06:23,032 --> 00:06:25,425 (crashes) 165 00:06:35,971 --> 00:06:38,138 Oh, crap. Why couldn't I have hit 166 00:06:38,290 --> 00:06:40,649 the court-ordered menorah instead? 167 00:06:42,051 --> 00:06:43,485 MORT: Thank you! 168 00:06:50,244 --> 00:06:52,226 Aw, crap, this is bad, this is bad. 169 00:06:52,246 --> 00:06:55,288 After all I said, they-they'll probably call this a hate crime. 170 00:06:56,566 --> 00:06:59,459 I've just got to hide the evidence. 171 00:07:02,330 --> 00:07:05,090 Ah, I wish someone was here to try to take this from me, 172 00:07:05,317 --> 00:07:07,909 'cause I'd be all like... (growling) 173 00:07:08,003 --> 00:07:10,303 No way, you! This is mine! 174 00:07:12,415 --> 00:07:14,749 Now where can I hide an old, banged-up car 175 00:07:14,843 --> 00:07:16,751 where it'll just blend right in? 176 00:07:16,845 --> 00:07:19,062 (jet engine whirring) 177 00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:29,781 I knew this would work. 178 00:07:29,933 --> 00:07:31,450 Especially after that last flight I took. 179 00:07:31,601 --> 00:07:34,177 Spirit Airlines is now boarding group whatever. 180 00:07:34,237 --> 00:07:36,179 Just start punching until you're on an airplane. 181 00:07:36,198 --> 00:07:38,498 (crowd shouting, clamoring) 182 00:07:43,188 --> 00:07:44,354 Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker. 183 00:07:44,447 --> 00:07:47,207 Our top story: Ho-ho-homeless man 184 00:07:47,359 --> 00:07:48,783 found dead in local alleyway. 185 00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:51,711 But first we're joined live by Mayor Wild West 186 00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:54,364 outside City Hall, who reports that the town 187 00:07:54,457 --> 00:07:57,291 nativity scene he personally whittled has gone missing. 188 00:07:57,385 --> 00:08:00,220 Mayor West, what can you tell us about the disappearance 189 00:08:00,372 --> 00:08:02,463 and also about my contested parking ticket, 190 00:08:02,557 --> 00:08:05,132 and I'll remind you the tree limb was blocking the sign. 191 00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:07,468 That tree was a hardwood, Mr. Tucker, 192 00:08:07,488 --> 00:08:09,988 and there wouldn't have been a leaf on it till mid-May. 193 00:08:10,215 --> 00:08:11,806 The printing of the restricted times 194 00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,658 was also faded, and as to the investigation? 195 00:08:13,885 --> 00:08:16,495 Whoever took that nativity scene best sleep 196 00:08:16,722 --> 00:08:19,480 with one eye open, 'cause I'm on your trail. 197 00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:21,407 And I'm gonna hunt you down like the mighty 198 00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:25,712 grizzly hunts a Slim Jim left on the dashboard of a Ford Taurus. 199 00:08:26,990 --> 00:08:29,156 I regret that the West has changed. 200 00:08:29,251 --> 00:08:31,693 Ah, now I want a Slim Jim. Slim Jim, anyone? 201 00:08:31,695 --> 00:08:34,328 Slim Jim? Never google what's in it? Slim Jim? 202 00:08:34,422 --> 00:08:36,573 That's rather odd. Who would steal... 203 00:08:36,591 --> 00:08:38,350 (high-pitched): a nativity scene? 204 00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,171 Want to tell me what's going on, champ? 205 00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:45,690 (laughing): What? Nothing. 206 00:08:45,842 --> 00:08:48,084 Brian, I can tell when you're lying, because your voice always 207 00:08:48,177 --> 00:08:49,844 gets high at the end of your sentences. 208 00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,104 That's nuts, you don't know what you're 209 00:08:51,256 --> 00:08:52,697 (high-pitched): talking about! 210 00:08:52,924 --> 00:08:54,741 Okay, fine! 211 00:08:59,355 --> 00:09:02,374 Yes, it was me. I destroyed the nativity scene with my car. 212 00:09:02,601 --> 00:09:04,325 But you've got to keep your mouth shut about this. 213 00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:07,028 I could be in a lot of trouble. I already hid the evidence. 214 00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,487 Did you at least do it right? 215 00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:09,363 You burned all the pieces 216 00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:10,715 and sank your car in a lake? 217 00:09:10,867 --> 00:09:12,609 No, I parked it in the Spirit Airlines parking lot... 218 00:09:12,702 --> 00:09:14,219 Oh, because they all drive crappy cars. 219 00:09:14,370 --> 00:09:16,221 That's smart, that's smart. Well, not to worry. 220 00:09:16,372 --> 00:09:17,722 You and I will just leave town 221 00:09:17,949 --> 00:09:19,040 and start a new life together. 222 00:09:19,134 --> 00:09:20,225 What? What are you talking...? 223 00:09:20,452 --> 00:09:21,951 Look, we could buy a house in Cincinnati 224 00:09:22,045 --> 00:09:23,636 for $43,000. 225 00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,789 Stewie, I'm not leaving town-- Wait, what, seriously? 226 00:09:25,807 --> 00:09:28,049 Yes, pretty big. Three bedrooms. Hardwood floors. 227 00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:30,068 For $43,000? That's insane. 228 00:09:30,295 --> 00:09:31,961 -We could just pay that off. -I know. You could have 229 00:09:32,055 --> 00:09:33,405 that office you've always wanted and we'd still 230 00:09:33,556 --> 00:09:35,148 have an extra room for the baby. 231 00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:37,634 -What? -Or-or a craft room. 232 00:09:37,652 --> 00:09:39,727 -(knocking) -Oh, crap, Who's that? 233 00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:41,746 Howdy, folks. 234 00:09:41,973 --> 00:09:44,732 Just seeing if I might ask y'all a few questions. 235 00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:46,400 Hey, you're the man from the TV! 236 00:09:46,494 --> 00:09:49,379 Please come in, I'm the man from the couch. 237 00:09:50,315 --> 00:09:51,831 Okay, quick, I need an alibi. 238 00:09:51,983 --> 00:09:53,091 Okay, last night you and I were home 239 00:09:53,318 --> 00:09:55,318 watching Dancing with the Stars all night. 240 00:09:55,411 --> 00:09:57,620 That's actually what I was doing all last night. 241 00:09:57,672 --> 00:09:59,489 I thought Tom Bergeron had a great show. 242 00:09:59,582 --> 00:10:01,007 One of his better nights. The guy's a pro. 243 00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:02,416 It's Tyra Banks now. 244 00:10:02,436 --> 00:10:03,843 Brian, I can't do this with you. 245 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,419 And what about you, Peter? 246 00:10:05,439 --> 00:10:07,755 I hear you haven't been brushing your teeth. 247 00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:09,274 -Yes, I have. -All of 'em? 248 00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:11,425 -Most of 'em. -Careful there. 249 00:10:11,519 --> 00:10:14,187 The teeth are the doorway to the body. 250 00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:17,765 Now, then, can I speak to your dog who hates Christmas? 251 00:10:17,859 --> 00:10:20,176 Ho-ho-ho! Who have we got here? 252 00:10:20,195 --> 00:10:22,770 Can I interest anyone in a candy cane? 253 00:10:22,864 --> 00:10:24,772 None for me, thanks. 254 00:10:24,866 --> 00:10:27,517 Ho-ho-okay, your loss. After all, 255 00:10:27,535 --> 00:10:30,036 it is the world's most dangerous candy. The more you eat it, 256 00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:32,188 the sharper it gets, but it's worth stabbing 257 00:10:32,281 --> 00:10:34,707 your own mouth for a sweet that tastes like toothpaste. 258 00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:36,209 I mean, Season's Greetings! 259 00:10:36,361 --> 00:10:38,378 Brian, where were you last night 260 00:10:38,530 --> 00:10:40,805 between 10:00 p.m. and midnight? 261 00:10:40,957 --> 00:10:42,974 Uh, let's see, uh, food bank till 8:00. 262 00:10:43,126 --> 00:10:45,477 Uh, Love Actually... (chuckles) again. 263 00:10:45,704 --> 00:10:48,313 And at no time did I watch Tom Bergeron 264 00:10:48,464 --> 00:10:49,964 on Dancing with the Stars because 265 00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:52,192 that would be impossible. 266 00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:55,302 Hmm, that's very helpful. 267 00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:57,656 Oh, good, 'cause I-I hope more than anyone the culprit 268 00:10:57,883 --> 00:11:00,566 who took your nativity scene is brought to justice. 269 00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:02,143 I'm mighty glad to hear that. 270 00:11:02,237 --> 00:11:04,404 Matter of fact, I was thinking a hound like you'd 271 00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:07,666 be just the thing to help sniff out some new clues. 272 00:11:07,817 --> 00:11:09,225 -What do you say? -Uh, yeah. 273 00:11:09,318 --> 00:11:11,077 In-in fact, you came to the right guy. 274 00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:13,229 I was briefly McGruff's sidekick. 275 00:11:13,322 --> 00:11:14,506 McGRUFF: Ah, that's Jenny. 276 00:11:14,733 --> 00:11:17,158 -But that's not Jenny's dad. -BRIAN: No, sir! 277 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,510 If she gets into that car, 278 00:11:18,661 --> 00:11:20,845 that may be the last time you'll see Jenny. 279 00:11:21,072 --> 00:11:23,181 -Yep! -I'm McGruff the Crime Dog. 280 00:11:23,332 --> 00:11:26,167 And I'm Sergeant Bark, because I bark at crime. 281 00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,519 McGRUFF: See those kids? 282 00:11:27,712 --> 00:11:28,912 Every day in this country, 283 00:11:29,005 --> 00:11:31,005 60 kids disappear. 284 00:11:31,099 --> 00:11:33,191 -Hey, the bikes fell. -Some run away. 285 00:11:33,342 --> 00:11:35,268 -You want me to get the bikes? -But a lot are kidnapped by strangers. 286 00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:37,344 -McGruff? McGruff? -Or even by people they know. 287 00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:38,922 -Do you want me to pick up the...? -So write to McGruff. 288 00:11:39,015 --> 00:11:40,440 -Oh, you're-you're giving the address. -And teach your kids 289 00:11:40,592 --> 00:11:41,700 -to protect themselves. -I'll get the bikes. 290 00:11:41,927 --> 00:11:42,608 -(grunting) -Help, uh, 291 00:11:42,703 --> 00:11:43,776 take a bite out of crime. 292 00:11:43,945 --> 00:11:45,745 BRIAN: And don't forget to bark at it. 293 00:11:53,455 --> 00:11:55,046 You know, I've been thinking, Brian. 294 00:11:55,198 --> 00:11:57,048 Maybe the first thing we ought to do is 295 00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:58,883 take an inventory of what's missing. 296 00:11:59,035 --> 00:12:01,035 Could be there's some clues in that. 297 00:12:01,129 --> 00:12:02,295 Yep, sure. Good thinking. 298 00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:04,447 Ah, you're a big Christmas guy. 299 00:12:04,466 --> 00:12:07,450 Remind me, what's in a nativity scene? 300 00:12:07,452 --> 00:12:10,228 Nativity scene, sure. Uh, well, you've got your drummer. 301 00:12:10,379 --> 00:12:13,639 Uh, probably a bassist, too. Uh, Jesus, of course. 302 00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:16,234 Uh... Mr. Christ? 303 00:12:16,461 --> 00:12:19,053 I'm gonna say Santa, then also the elves. 304 00:12:19,147 --> 00:12:21,555 Uh, the pig who makes friends with a spider... 305 00:12:21,649 --> 00:12:23,316 writes, uh, nice things in its web. 306 00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:25,485 S-S-S-Slater? 307 00:12:25,637 --> 00:12:27,245 Somebody-somebody named Slater? 308 00:12:27,396 --> 00:12:29,414 I think he's from Saved by the Bell. 309 00:12:29,641 --> 00:12:30,990 Ah, I knew it sounded familiar, but you know who 310 00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:32,250 we should really be looking at? 311 00:12:32,477 --> 00:12:34,902 People in town who don't even celebrate Christmas. 312 00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:37,330 Like-like... Mort Goldman! 313 00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:38,906 Boo! Boo, Brian! 314 00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,301 They've suffered enough. Boo. 315 00:12:45,173 --> 00:12:47,248 "Dear Santa, thank you in advance 316 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,416 "for bringing me a Happy Asking Panda. 317 00:12:49,511 --> 00:12:51,585 "I've been a very good boy this year, 318 00:12:51,679 --> 00:12:54,421 "and while I understand you 'see me when I'm sleeping,' 319 00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,516 "I just want to say that Rupert was the aggressor. 320 00:12:56,668 --> 00:12:58,777 "It may not have seemed that way, but we had agreed 321 00:12:58,928 --> 00:13:00,520 "ahead of time on a form of role play 322 00:13:00,614 --> 00:13:03,448 that would probably have seemed confusing without that context." 323 00:13:03,599 --> 00:13:06,451 ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program for breaking news. 324 00:13:06,678 --> 00:13:08,602 Good evening, I'm holiday replacement 325 00:13:08,696 --> 00:13:11,347 anchor Edgar Chavez, alone in the studio 326 00:13:11,366 --> 00:13:14,292 and having some trouble locking down the camera. 327 00:13:17,798 --> 00:13:20,857 We now take you to a live news conference at City Hall! 328 00:13:20,950 --> 00:13:23,468 (faintly): Thank you all for coming tonight. 329 00:13:23,695 --> 00:13:25,361 Uh, I think the press conferences mics 330 00:13:25,454 --> 00:13:27,196 are still set at standing height. 331 00:13:27,290 --> 00:13:28,548 I've still not learned who stole 332 00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:30,975 -our town's nativity scene. -(whinnies) 333 00:13:31,202 --> 00:13:33,202 Easy, Horse, easy. 334 00:13:33,296 --> 00:13:36,055 (normal volume): So until I get some answers, as mayor, 335 00:13:36,207 --> 00:13:39,484 I'm officially canceling Christmas in Quahog. 336 00:13:39,635 --> 00:13:41,060 Canceling Christmas?! 337 00:13:41,212 --> 00:13:42,487 Now we'll never know what's behind 338 00:13:42,714 --> 00:13:45,139 the last box on the M&M advent calendar! 339 00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:46,549 It's M&M'S, Peter. 340 00:13:46,568 --> 00:13:49,160 -They've all been M&M'S. -You don't know that! 341 00:13:51,056 --> 00:13:52,497 You ate my whole family, 342 00:13:52,648 --> 00:13:54,648 you fat bastard. 343 00:13:54,742 --> 00:13:57,484 One. More. Day. 344 00:13:57,579 --> 00:13:59,320 (knocking) 345 00:13:59,414 --> 00:14:01,155 Joe? What are you doing here? 346 00:14:01,249 --> 00:14:03,399 Sorry, Peter, I'm on strict orders from the mayor 347 00:14:03,418 --> 00:14:06,010 to confiscate all the Christmas stuff in town. 348 00:14:06,162 --> 00:14:08,346 You heard him, Lois. Hand over the Hallmark Channel. 349 00:14:08,573 --> 00:14:11,090 No Christmas means no Happy Asking Panda. 350 00:14:11,242 --> 00:14:13,017 Stewie, I'm so sorry. 351 00:14:13,169 --> 00:14:15,669 But you got to understand the position I'm in. 352 00:14:15,763 --> 00:14:17,730 (Stewie sobbing) 353 00:14:18,766 --> 00:14:20,191 I'll tell you this, Rupert. 354 00:14:20,418 --> 00:14:22,360 I shall not stand idly by while our dog 355 00:14:22,587 --> 00:14:24,921 steals my dream of a Happy Asking Panda. 356 00:14:25,014 --> 00:14:26,272 (inhales deeply) 357 00:14:27,275 --> 00:14:30,276 I may just have to send a little text to our mayor. 358 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:33,020 Yes, I did get a new phone case. 359 00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:35,039 It's Malibu Barbie next to a palm tree. 360 00:14:35,191 --> 00:14:37,375 The man at the mall kiosk said it was "girlish," 361 00:14:37,602 --> 00:14:39,435 and I said, "Yeah? Maybe I think she's hot." 362 00:14:39,528 --> 00:14:41,787 And he went, "Okay," and I went, "What do you mean by 'Okay'?" 363 00:14:41,940 --> 00:14:43,456 And then he says, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 364 00:14:43,608 --> 00:14:45,625 "I just came back from my wife's oncologist appointment." 365 00:14:45,777 --> 00:14:47,218 And I said, "Oh, no. What's wrong?" And he said, 366 00:14:47,445 --> 00:14:48,961 "Her melanoma's coming back." 367 00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:50,388 And I said, "I'm so sorry, but they're making 368 00:14:50,615 --> 00:14:52,373 advancements in treatment every single day." 369 00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:54,225 And he goes, "I know, you're right, but still." 370 00:14:54,452 --> 00:14:55,968 And I said, "Just hang in there," and he says, 371 00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:57,896 "Shoot me your digits, our story does not 372 00:14:58,047 --> 00:15:00,398 end here," so we're going out to dinner on Friday. 373 00:15:00,549 --> 00:15:02,734 I love this case. 374 00:15:05,797 --> 00:15:08,147 Sir, as you requested, I've transcribed 375 00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:11,225 all your text messages onto pieces of dried cowhide. 376 00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:13,302 These just came in. 377 00:15:13,396 --> 00:15:15,705 "Spirit Airlines parking lit." 378 00:15:17,492 --> 00:15:19,250 "Parking lit." 379 00:15:19,477 --> 00:15:22,236 "Parking lit. Asterisk, lot. 380 00:15:22,330 --> 00:15:25,298 L-O-L." 381 00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:44,667 Looks like we got our man. 382 00:15:44,686 --> 00:15:48,655 And still plenty of time to pick up Aunt Betty. 383 00:15:50,525 --> 00:15:52,858 Oh, you really didn't have to do this. 384 00:15:52,953 --> 00:15:54,744 We both know I did. 385 00:16:02,353 --> 00:16:05,112 Brian, is there anything you want to say 386 00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:08,449 about the Baby Jesus-shaped dent in the hood of your car? 387 00:16:08,543 --> 00:16:10,359 Oh, come on, that doesn't prove anything! 388 00:16:10,453 --> 00:16:12,119 That could be any baby I hit with my car! 389 00:16:12,138 --> 00:16:15,214 He was lying about Tom Bergeron earlier. He had no idea. 390 00:16:15,366 --> 00:16:18,559 Why don't you open the trunk for me? 391 00:16:19,628 --> 00:16:21,479 (laughing) 392 00:16:21,672 --> 00:16:23,982 No way! No way! 393 00:16:24,133 --> 00:16:25,799 You didn't even hide the evidence?! 394 00:16:25,893 --> 00:16:28,486 Brian Griffin, you're under arrest. 395 00:16:28,713 --> 00:16:31,214 (gasps) Just for destroying public property 396 00:16:31,232 --> 00:16:32,490 and fleeing the scene of the crime?! 397 00:16:32,641 --> 00:16:35,051 Why are we not leading with drunk driving? 398 00:16:35,069 --> 00:16:37,553 I'm afraid I have to take you to jail. 399 00:16:37,646 --> 00:16:39,313 Oh, no, not Brian! 400 00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:40,981 Do we get the Hallmark Channel back? 401 00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:42,892 Jail?! Are you kidding me?! 402 00:16:42,985 --> 00:16:45,837 Wait a minute, you get three square meals in jail, right? 403 00:16:46,064 --> 00:16:48,064 Well, I can't speak for the shape, 404 00:16:48,157 --> 00:16:50,341 but the number sounds right. 405 00:16:53,238 --> 00:16:55,571 GUARD: Griffin, visitor! 406 00:16:55,664 --> 00:16:57,073 (buzzer sounds) 407 00:16:57,166 --> 00:16:58,683 Hey, Brian, sorry about the sling. 408 00:16:58,834 --> 00:17:00,000 I got shot by an M&M. 409 00:17:00,094 --> 00:17:01,853 Anyway, how's Christmas Eve in jail? 410 00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:03,521 You know what, it's great. 411 00:17:03,672 --> 00:17:05,748 At least it keeps me away from all the phony joy 412 00:17:05,767 --> 00:17:07,250 and crass commercialism. 413 00:17:07,268 --> 00:17:08,842 Well, it's good to see you haven't lost 414 00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:10,253 your lack of spirit. 415 00:17:10,271 --> 00:17:12,255 Well, it certainly is great seeing you, Brian. 416 00:17:12,273 --> 00:17:13,756 -(text whooshes) -(phone chimes) 417 00:17:13,775 --> 00:17:15,533 Hey, guys, unfortunately 418 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:17,201 visiting hours end at... 419 00:17:17,428 --> 00:17:18,611 10:14. 420 00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:19,871 Aw! Aw! 421 00:17:20,098 --> 00:17:22,582 It's like we just got here, aw! 422 00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:30,214 (yawns) 423 00:17:30,441 --> 00:17:33,276 Ah, best night's sleep in a long time. 424 00:17:33,294 --> 00:17:35,869 I should spend Christmas in jail every year. 425 00:17:35,963 --> 00:17:38,056 (children clamoring outside) 426 00:17:41,544 --> 00:17:44,878 (scoffs) Stupid families having stupid fun times together. 427 00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:47,623 Reminding themselves their families are... 428 00:17:47,758 --> 00:17:49,692 filled with love. 429 00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:56,991 Huh, looks like Stewie got that toy he wanted. 430 00:18:02,898 --> 00:18:04,974 (sighs) A kid and his bear. 431 00:18:05,067 --> 00:18:07,293 What's more innocent than that? 432 00:18:10,906 --> 00:18:12,906 Aw, they got tennis balls and junk? 433 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,176 (Chris panting) 434 00:18:17,746 --> 00:18:19,822 I don't even like stupid 435 00:18:19,915 --> 00:18:22,058 new Christmas tennis balls. 436 00:18:32,728 --> 00:18:35,187 ♪ O come, all ♪ 437 00:18:35,340 --> 00:18:37,673 ♪ Ye faithful ♪ 438 00:18:37,766 --> 00:18:42,528 ♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪ 439 00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:45,289 ♪ O come ye ♪ 440 00:18:45,441 --> 00:18:47,867 -♪ O come ye ♪ -I don't need Christmas. 441 00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:53,189 ♪ To Bethlehem ♪ 442 00:18:53,207 --> 00:18:57,969 ♪ Come and behold Him ♪ 443 00:18:58,196 --> 00:18:59,804 ♪ Born the King of Angels ♪ 444 00:19:00,031 --> 00:19:02,047 Why am I crying? 445 00:19:02,142 --> 00:19:05,551 ♪ O come, let us adore... ♪ 446 00:19:05,703 --> 00:19:07,145 The "penis" is right, 447 00:19:07,296 --> 00:19:08,980 I do miss my family. 448 00:19:09,207 --> 00:19:11,557 Oh, my God, what have I done? 449 00:19:11,709 --> 00:19:13,542 I've been so blind. 450 00:19:13,561 --> 00:19:16,545 Sure, Christmas is a commercial holiday largely intended 451 00:19:16,564 --> 00:19:19,306 to prop up a faltering economy, but it's also about family 452 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,551 and togetherness and the Hallmark Channel, 453 00:19:22,570 --> 00:19:24,236 which I admit I watch all the time! 454 00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:26,389 Oh, my God, I love Christmas! 455 00:19:26,407 --> 00:19:29,167 (sobbing) 456 00:19:30,728 --> 00:19:32,077 NARRATOR: And what happened then? 457 00:19:32,230 --> 00:19:33,729 Well, in prison they say, 458 00:19:33,748 --> 00:19:38,325 Brian's anus grew three sizes that day. 459 00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:40,845 Brian... you are free to go. 460 00:19:40,996 --> 00:19:43,406 What? What do you mean? 461 00:19:43,499 --> 00:19:45,349 I just wanted you to learn that while you thought 462 00:19:45,501 --> 00:19:49,020 it was everyone else who'd lost the true meaning of Christmas, 463 00:19:49,171 --> 00:19:52,273 it was actually you all along. 464 00:19:54,752 --> 00:19:57,344 So why don't you head outside to your family? 465 00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:58,587 I will. 466 00:19:58,681 --> 00:20:01,532 But first there's something I've got to do. 467 00:20:03,428 --> 00:20:04,518 Ah? 468 00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:07,038 It's like you killed Him all over again. 469 00:20:14,196 --> 00:20:16,272 Oh, Brian, it's good to have you back. 470 00:20:16,290 --> 00:20:18,049 It wasn't Christmas without you. 471 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:19,717 I'm happy to be back. 472 00:20:19,944 --> 00:20:21,719 And I'm happy to have my tennis ball. 473 00:20:21,946 --> 00:20:23,462 (growls) 474 00:20:23,614 --> 00:20:25,948 Meg? Lois? You got any more passwords? 475 00:20:25,967 --> 00:20:28,467 The panda loves 'em. 476 00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,728 (blipping) 477 00:20:42,967 --> 00:20:44,575 The Griffin assets, sir. 478 00:20:44,802 --> 00:20:47,578 At last. $17? 479 00:20:47,730 --> 00:20:49,747 The bear cost $23 to make. 480 00:20:49,898 --> 00:20:51,582 Oh, no. 481 00:20:55,663 --> 00:20:58,330 PETER: Can't rob America if America's broke! 482 00:20:58,424 --> 00:21:00,591 Merry Christmas, everyone!